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请大家帮忙修改我的一个诗

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发表于 2008-1-17 21:16 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
I just wrote a poem" h1 A( V8 l2 [3 j2 j0 _$ X# p
Besides, I'd like to put it in my blog." e& I- K- X) ^
However,first of all, is anyone able to modify/improve my poem
( ~9 A' `- R/ [Thanks a lot!!!$ Z* m/ j! k5 G& ^( T: k4 W; G+ L" }- W

: A4 i9 _. f1 }* {4 q3 ]* `# G2 ~1 c6 g0 h3 T' M- E! {5 [# G

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& G' j3 ?4 T- e8 C1 LFormerly,Somehow I'd fallen in love with you
  @/ H( I  w& s# o, o              Somehow I'd found something wrong with us / M" }8 `" c: D2 h
              Somehow I'd left you to travel around the world
) Q1 m$ _& V+ \( q2 Y, E" p              Somehow I'd attempted to forget everything between you and me ! T! X$ r; N7 B' z
              Somehow I'd considered you'd been lost in my mind
8 Z7 S) L( i# q, s              Somehow I'd felt that my real life was full of happiness
- l. Z+ Z5 P1 V' P3 ?/ Z6 x! `However, somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday   b3 Y" R: \" M9 y6 v* K
             somehow I realized you were still in my heart
2 D8 @+ H# t9 N9 I! Q* L7 X; C             somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness
8 N9 W: B  w3 E& h) A# c; n             somehow I lost myself inside again
  W8 }/ d9 a/ p, C1 ZNow,      somehow I write down the aticle in my blog
  C" \) {0 I% }1 G6 `             somehow I find that my heart is calling for love and devotion
  e7 b, ?$ J( D, \5 g# \Finally,   I discern that I am still in love with you......................................
/ I% P# C. K# L6 D1 Q. F9 [Basically, I almost finish this poem
/ ~1 |( L. O% g8 d               I am 一个人de精彩- Z7 b/ Z! N: D* d$ x6 O
               I am thinking to use 精彩 to cover everything.
4 R$ O5 C1 k, HBut........         
! {4 W; U8 p+ e! Q9 v* ^: T* O+ f3 e6 uIronically? Isn't it?
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发表于 2008-1-17 22:43 | 显示全部楼层

先帮你改一下标题吧

应该是“请大家帮忙修改我的一首诗”9 r! T4 Y8 e; ~3 D( r
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卖糕的,写外国诗就得忘中国字吗?7 J! U4 \) C3 ^+ M
4 \1 A  D% o: ]: t7 U1 F9 l
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发表于 2008-1-18 00:18 | 显示全部楼层
Somehow I'd fall in love with you ) Q3 L: `- s4 @* ~9 F; x0 z0 d: s
Somehow I'd find something wrong with us - r. a- W; @/ R  `* S6 d& j
Somehow I'd leave you to travel around the world
8 t  D8 x" E- b" OSomehow I'd attempt to forget everything between you and me   
1 k& Y/ q- R- x- B! ?Somehow I'd consider you'd been lost in my mind
) O$ V+ ?* t6 V) Q+ M% hSomehow I'd feel that my real life was full of happiness ; Y, D6 W7 B/ c' s7 K

4 @, v% R" k! d$ b. K; E; gSomehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday
- c( v: V6 [! }! Z; ?Somehow I realized you were still in my heart ' [$ {, b- q' J5 [: N" I
Somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness, L+ M" t0 D2 }8 \& [9 A% p
Somehow I lost myself inside it again
. [" `9 D* H- Y/ u8 l- [+ V) V8 G: X8 p) Z/ s: m
Somehow I find that my heart is calling for love and devotion# o4 D* W( b. ^+ f5 {
Somehow I discern that I am still in love with you
. [* R1 e1 @3 Y! ]1 TSomehow I am the only brilliance of myself
6 B$ G4 q" @  \0 eSomehow I am thinking to cover everything with my faint brilliance
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发表于 2008-1-18 00:32 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
However, somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday 8 f6 [5 o8 C0 W3 n2 G
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5 N- l4 W( p9 vHowever, somehow I  dreamed about you yesterday
3 r  J9 E7 ?' E4 _% {6 i& D: a- d5 t- _, W3 i. {
somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness
/ |( a4 W) @) {: O8 C- y=====================================================================
# D1 n" l8 k8 Z4 ~somehow I recalled the times we had...subconsciously...
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-21 18:57 | 显示全部楼层
我用的时态主要要体现出来呀,你修改成i'd fall或者其他的,时态没办法体现呀,我的意思是i had+verb pass perfect
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发表于 2008-1-27 05:38 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 alberta2007 于 2008-1-21 18:57 发表
) K# h& x0 _% S# d8 Y% m我用的时态主要要体现出来呀,你修改成i'd fall或者其他的,时态没办法体现呀,我的意思是i had+verb pass perfect

  c- |# N6 i9 r0 W4 @$ Y5 l1 M哦,这样啊,那就改回去吧,我以为是虚拟语气呢。
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-27 12:42 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
劳驾楼主给我扫扫盲,这是什么体啊?
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