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请大家帮忙修改我的一个诗

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发表于 2008-1-17 21:16 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
I just wrote a poem' ^4 a/ U% M3 k( O4 }3 S
Besides, I'd like to put it in my blog.) }, o( K& ]0 N
However,first of all, is anyone able to modify/improve my poem6 T6 l" ^( D# y
Thanks a lot!!!# z6 k5 R5 K+ M+ t) [2 P* O2 D

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Formerly,Somehow I'd fallen in love with you / j7 h# C% K4 Y
              Somehow I'd found something wrong with us $ U! h2 ]( O6 q7 O% P
              Somehow I'd left you to travel around the world # z, |; q0 o0 r
              Somehow I'd attempted to forget everything between you and me $ _2 M+ r' D! `
              Somehow I'd considered you'd been lost in my mind
- A0 t; c$ o! I7 R1 h  K+ A% i              Somehow I'd felt that my real life was full of happiness
! |) G+ m% Q! H! _; nHowever, somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday 6 y8 \( X5 O/ R, A1 W$ x' p0 @
             somehow I realized you were still in my heart ' h! [7 b9 y- p* y/ [. d
             somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness. z' N; G9 N; S8 p( Q3 y
             somehow I lost myself inside again
4 W5 O0 j+ r" c, ONow,      somehow I write down the aticle in my blog + X. z3 f$ m* h5 r
             somehow I find that my heart is calling for love and devotion
: i9 a4 n$ |5 A/ U: T% QFinally,   I discern that I am still in love with you......................................
* P' `, N- ~, b/ ~Basically, I almost finish this poem
0 x- {, E' v  I1 D7 v( D8 ]               I am 一个人de精彩" r) C1 }0 ^5 F  ]8 C; t5 z0 U. M3 M
               I am thinking to use 精彩 to cover everything.4 y6 M9 a- b' H* Q8 F
But........         ( k: j- S  c7 Q+ B1 z# k! e
Ironically? Isn't it?
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发表于 2008-1-17 22:43 | 显示全部楼层

先帮你改一下标题吧

应该是“请大家帮忙修改我的一首诗”
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% t: a0 s; y# s5 E$ X: F  ~3 U卖糕的,写外国诗就得忘中国字吗?; D; }7 u" \6 L; b
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发表于 2008-1-18 00:18 | 显示全部楼层
Somehow I'd fall in love with you - X0 N8 M! `9 ?( m; }1 c& o1 D
Somehow I'd find something wrong with us
, e& a8 `+ ?2 R5 DSomehow I'd leave you to travel around the world
3 }+ E/ E; S$ hSomehow I'd attempt to forget everything between you and me   3 B' E/ \, o/ ~: m/ T( E2 e2 ?
Somehow I'd consider you'd been lost in my mind ( A; k1 Z$ K% t. Y4 \. f' U
Somehow I'd feel that my real life was full of happiness 1 _* L2 A& L! y  @' f
& n& {$ e4 F" x/ F( P% P# x
Somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday " k4 |" D4 L6 U
Somehow I realized you were still in my heart # P: @, G& ^6 s8 K- ~1 t2 F4 X1 w/ C
Somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness8 C& l3 W8 J. ~* _( g3 f6 C
Somehow I lost myself inside it again
& ^0 D% _. I" Z- M+ i$ c# c
$ m6 q: R" ^5 k4 g; C9 g7 W) oSomehow I find that my heart is calling for love and devotion
! h' b1 e) s1 j4 r! sSomehow I discern that I am still in love with you8 l% P0 j" Y) k/ ^( ?( t# G: l' G
Somehow I am the only brilliance of myself; V, V. M8 o, V1 K6 R
Somehow I am thinking to cover everything with my faint brilliance
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发表于 2008-1-18 00:32 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
However, somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday
# G* o' e$ V% c# e$ i! E2 A, T& U" c================================================
( w' t7 I, Y5 c. ]# L) A8 bHowever, somehow I  dreamed about you yesterday 9 Q7 C; [8 ~9 t: A. G+ M' Z
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somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness
$ H& \8 T1 Y4 R- E=====================================================================
. o' N8 r# O8 e3 n6 O3 `somehow I recalled the times we had...subconsciously...
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-21 18:57 | 显示全部楼层
我用的时态主要要体现出来呀,你修改成i'd fall或者其他的,时态没办法体现呀,我的意思是i had+verb pass perfect
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发表于 2008-1-27 05:38 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 alberta2007 于 2008-1-21 18:57 发表
. b$ {5 ^( ^' V我用的时态主要要体现出来呀,你修改成i'd fall或者其他的,时态没办法体现呀,我的意思是i had+verb pass perfect
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哦,这样啊,那就改回去吧,我以为是虚拟语气呢。
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发表于 2008-1-27 12:42 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
劳驾楼主给我扫扫盲,这是什么体啊?
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