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请大家帮忙修改我的一个诗

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发表于 2008-1-17 21:16 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
I just wrote a poem
1 i7 g6 ?' i" j' d$ fBesides, I'd like to put it in my blog.
* |5 d# G, A& X; mHowever,first of all, is anyone able to modify/improve my poem1 Z# [6 l, K3 e: J
Thanks a lot!!!9 W2 d% K) i+ W, ]9 B9 n

/ b. W) s2 O9 c; e" @$ m! A8 z0 ?4 Y4 P: z- k' `9 w
5 q5 x6 o7 q' }5 Y/ J, V

( J5 X2 X, a  q$ x1 ^7 }4 C
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Formerly,Somehow I'd fallen in love with you ; F3 ], A& Y8 Y6 H8 |! l9 V
              Somehow I'd found something wrong with us
& M& A4 G# J6 b& L              Somehow I'd left you to travel around the world
# h( C. k: k# \/ o0 R              Somehow I'd attempted to forget everything between you and me
8 J  S# M* x: o              Somehow I'd considered you'd been lost in my mind . d0 z/ t, C7 a% N/ c1 L! H+ n
              Somehow I'd felt that my real life was full of happiness $ i% C# u8 y7 u- Q6 M1 |  m/ f
However, somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday
: c! y8 a7 _/ |0 X6 y             somehow I realized you were still in my heart ' w/ O0 n/ z0 a. `3 G$ U, x
             somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness
2 E: h7 W# M! `2 U/ {7 E5 h             somehow I lost myself inside again
0 i4 j! Y' }4 a" pNow,      somehow I write down the aticle in my blog
/ h$ G. P( ]) x: e3 w             somehow I find that my heart is calling for love and devotion" ^1 t+ ?' C( l' D1 t6 W) @
Finally,   I discern that I am still in love with you......................................& @  L+ E5 S% e' B5 O/ S0 J0 o
Basically, I almost finish this poem& w8 P+ {+ O+ C  [
               I am 一个人de精彩: Z" a, a$ H% P6 ?
               I am thinking to use 精彩 to cover everything.& g$ M- p8 N$ D7 B2 F8 {. q
But........         4 d2 X; D; Q# H; A" }$ _6 i
Ironically? Isn't it?
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发表于 2008-1-17 22:43 | 显示全部楼层

先帮你改一下标题吧

应该是“请大家帮忙修改我的一首诗”# s2 s! @: ?! [- W/ r
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卖糕的,写外国诗就得忘中国字吗?4 P" G% X2 D8 x" h. k
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鲜花(170) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-1-18 00:18 | 显示全部楼层
Somehow I'd fall in love with you ) x& J0 F& F# j+ X$ _
Somehow I'd find something wrong with us * w; A+ V& _* F; f& g  ~; }* X
Somehow I'd leave you to travel around the world
1 `' Y( n8 v/ z0 q# k- ^( r* v# \Somehow I'd attempt to forget everything between you and me   % Q# W* k7 p# X2 [# H' a/ u( t: `8 b
Somehow I'd consider you'd been lost in my mind
/ e5 M4 V$ y4 s6 D) v: YSomehow I'd feel that my real life was full of happiness 4 t% N, n. t& v) z4 T( e9 O& K
; w! {% l, f3 s& _3 W) m4 b1 ]
Somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday
. h% }: b5 N3 m* t! E! LSomehow I realized you were still in my heart * o( I$ E% Y. u  S  F" f( x0 a
Somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness
. ?) h; B: ~8 J- x- L: |& gSomehow I lost myself inside it again $ f. \9 m  m3 d. t: _1 o

6 Z& G* w5 w# F, A5 \+ I0 N* oSomehow I find that my heart is calling for love and devotion
( g9 d  m' d9 b& D+ S- ?2 v3 _Somehow I discern that I am still in love with you! q: u7 G6 m, L+ ]( L' C2 W3 M6 d5 z
Somehow I am the only brilliance of myself, V8 m* @. R( ?4 I+ `
Somehow I am thinking to cover everything with my faint brilliance
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发表于 2008-1-18 00:32 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
However, somehow I casually got a dream of you yesterday ' m. X& @# {3 B# H, l" Z3 U: Y
================================================
' i, y* K  }% f6 k7 r% G! OHowever, somehow I  dreamed about you yesterday / `6 R% v, e7 f) w! s
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somehow I recalled my memory of you with powerful uncontrollable consciousness  M0 J0 N- x7 k6 n% ]- B
=====================================================================
- r; F: k( d4 {- c- ~. \; ]somehow I recalled the times we had...subconsciously...
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-21 18:57 | 显示全部楼层
我用的时态主要要体现出来呀,你修改成i'd fall或者其他的,时态没办法体现呀,我的意思是i had+verb pass perfect
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发表于 2008-1-27 05:38 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 alberta2007 于 2008-1-21 18:57 发表
$ y/ z9 e4 N9 R/ E: k我用的时态主要要体现出来呀,你修改成i'd fall或者其他的,时态没办法体现呀,我的意思是i had+verb pass perfect
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哦,这样啊,那就改回去吧,我以为是虚拟语气呢。
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发表于 2008-1-27 12:42 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
劳驾楼主给我扫扫盲,这是什么体啊?
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