WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
! y( {# G* j6 b; z. q" Jwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
& \( K% r- r3 s  X3 kinto a regular workout routine.
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( T) {) o; w) O9 G3 t  p1 ?4 PDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
! W) U! N3 d4 J& }am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
* M* D& H: z0 [2 D1 ?& V3 I6 W; Y# nnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
; O3 c0 C" o; \# r3 L$ C& x# c% Iinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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" v/ b  [% Z# S$ {) NMONDAY:
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0 u' }8 F2 d! f$ @Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
  z* I6 Y1 J) ?4 H7 i! A) B, veyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

1 z: ]/ ^+ f. l4 FShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
1 C4 W' y8 ^! p( G4 V" ^, vthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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1 W8 L+ h; \1 V: a1 YVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
, o# t8 x* j5 d/ W: r1 G, dalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
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6 w+ j% L9 ^6 {( D% h9 B1 hThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
# D2 J5 z! L/ w* S; G$ f- P& LBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

: o/ k) p0 h5 O3 O0 WWEDNESDAY:
) M1 D. _9 C' Q0 D  v% D; S& UThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
8 m  D! f; |1 Xa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
6 Q- q7 s. _, f' }; }/ _3 ~, ?bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
- T1 p0 f2 c9 Z* }2 |: nBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
, D! g4 C1 G" [: ytold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

* n: J# X4 t& E* p& MShe said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
0 }/ L5 d0 t5 G; t. lher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
7 L6 N+ X9 R+ qmachine -- which I sank.
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/ G( G' P7 k! V& @2 |FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
1 H5 q, @: i2 V1 L, ^3 wanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
' k- `4 D) m* Y! T- T* q# `+ Mwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
8 F+ @! |) F% r# E6 ~
0 j" E& K$ p( F' O5 hAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
& i- ^* ~' Z+ ~' Iteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
' j1 X/ O& ?9 ~( i# oshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
* }9 [4 U% m- R$ Q, g& Dstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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2 l  E& r3 y5 ^2 z8 f3 m  M0 iSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.