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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
3 K/ R: \# S" j! X! t* e# qwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
/ ?4 j7 k; E! M9 O4 I Minto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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% P7 @( T* r3 q: N5 ?$ ~For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a0 P5 Z/ F( S0 Z( a4 q2 v6 N
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I6 T+ I; Y$ U* q! N4 G% M6 P( b S
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
4 n3 K% Q$ M2 r7 R( z& R4 _years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a7 n* w7 W7 h* d* N( j" {9 v
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
! p7 [9 n& A8 l% \named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
! x7 \# O, a& e. p- zinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.& f3 y1 a7 H% _9 H9 B' ? U
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
/ Q7 ]. Y/ O" ?3 n4 kencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.3 W" [5 a2 V. W9 v# B
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
7 n" o s5 L$ p& d3 D' K, ^- r: bworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for G- ^( {# l/ W0 d
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing8 \0 U c4 V4 L* ^
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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$ F+ i E& W" d4 }) U9 t) NShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed+ H' _. Z+ S5 b; q& ^ A
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
( R! }6 i H" w& Z3 rin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in$ j* v% d1 l+ F4 q
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.8 a* G, r! j6 l+ A8 G m: @
5 F0 W) D- z/ g$ p7 n1 m( U G6 KVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
8 f; H; {4 `6 K6 xalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she2 W6 C4 {3 z. B7 H( R
was around.: y( p$ _0 D% b, w
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:3 a- m! P) L% O! n5 Q6 Z4 E- W
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 J) }! [6 ?8 Z6 uBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
% y2 V( J- J; h, r; Kand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the7 b+ l& y( a% M2 ?+ d7 {
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
. Y* h+ R9 ]$ z, b* ^all worthwhile.2 B" M. l7 q' F2 V1 q/ x
" U9 z' r0 c# D$ O8 M
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me., X7 }" Q' Q! Q, f' `1 p
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WEDNESDAY:) K1 G5 c. p3 v) G1 z
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
+ Q+ ?( N5 m8 E8 Nthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
$ v" N( ]( f8 e3 Ma hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to5 x u, _& \: o) s, H w
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams1 r# q# j. a& D% |" F( c: f2 T
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for# \* e% J- ^" p; P+ z; A
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine J6 p) P m* N- M5 x+ a
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; O* l% b8 |% U& OBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
9 z, {5 C- L0 J; E0 `! wmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
2 l" @! ], F4 e+ t+ P6 ytold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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8 x2 n& M9 e+ g! Q3 ~+ }( _She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
) U8 ?6 f d" X6 J2 T4 A4 _Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
" H, _) ^5 @- [( O9 `- Oher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help2 t# o( p/ t/ G; H2 U9 v- m- T4 q% h
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
9 o% P- k4 |/ G# V' u) ptook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and! l: D7 u- V$ Y5 B, y
hid in the men's room.6 e7 W" O. M% w0 h( U6 C) x
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
m/ t8 O+ G3 ?0 W f# A* F/ Z7 Fmachine -- which I sank.
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9 \6 m: r& ~) VFRIDAY:
# l, n- ?: Y7 Y5 {/ b: PI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
. k2 p: |+ G) V8 many other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 m: T6 n$ w+ a& h, _anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
: b: b& B' w, r' V: Acould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda3 F/ w" h; w: v4 R) ^
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!: j0 i! i" x$ P Z+ S# N* V* l3 b
7 q8 {/ i6 b! W5 IAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
T9 ? d, M& f! i4 P) R* E+ fthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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+ O* i! r1 u( CThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
! l& ^% t3 j5 B: T. Z* x1 A: rteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach- U! E Y N$ Q
or the choir director?
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; |, z0 A* m: w) J1 K" OSATURDAY:+ Z2 W2 c) q: \: E; F6 e) W
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,: O* r+ B& k0 S" C! Q4 U
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
3 W& |6 P L& W7 G9 omade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
# q9 n3 B0 e B$ ?strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
# h. ?6 F5 s7 P' M" }hours of the Weather Channel.
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) ~5 [7 S0 D, X. CSUNDAY:
7 u. W# h; d6 l$ @I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
, s6 D+ c3 v* `& v' O! `* land thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,5 ]7 ]( n& r+ v
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
& y0 @* |; d# `% r0 D( W/ p4 k4 ga root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
