WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
, ^- l' b* m; d4 z" o" C" a  T; Qinto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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- K) F- {4 ~0 n, HFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
7 X" M: q5 h6 l) X# D/ Kam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
: |" S  q  `6 B* Iyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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' Y5 u9 G( B; r. m/ WStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

4 j! [$ i  f& CShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
- T4 W* j7 x4 j8 D' w6 ^2 rin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
6 K' T4 z2 f8 o; U! e2 o5 pwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
% t9 J! G: i' C% R# e) a* o
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
- V# T4 U: K, |/ B6 F8 E: f8 Salthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
8 y' [3 m# z  C7 r7 Pwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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* N: `' ^6 B$ w# y, T- sTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
) b$ ^1 O. w% s5 TBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
. T) }; ^0 {3 u2 A: B2 ^all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
$ [9 u: M+ ]% F. w3 S3 M! `8 _- KThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
/ k% ?0 M/ N' r5 U2 W. ethe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
- h% R* ^% t0 }1 \a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
: L9 ^2 l) W9 @; x5 s3 ~bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
/ |+ Z% T& a/ nthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
+ z  D: U7 K# L7 imachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
: G6 ~0 g4 Q& w. F* Z  b0 |) ]) rtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

1 ?0 ]/ c: W7 `* I& T/ P" W( H6 OShe said some other shit too.

8 q9 F5 n+ X) K5 R  A4 T7 kTHURSDAY:
! ?6 k! k' U% j. @9 BBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
7 t, D$ s$ |. Bher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
8 N$ @# ?1 s  ^took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
* q% i* y9 S. Z0 i0 d1 Y% R$ c4 bhid in the men's room.
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3 A* o5 N5 s/ N- `( x7 y8 {She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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& @# d! `2 v# X( P1 S" M; \FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
( G) d8 T! ^% H0 `# y- c4 ~& J! yany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
. ^/ j- J8 D' M& @2 g, uanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
3 }& K1 V: Q6 T. F' Dthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
* j- U5 G8 m/ e' _5 m8 A* q1 C/ h
3 z  D6 `5 V3 s; a6 D' R; XThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
+ B, a5 S" r1 _! steacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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, c, D" ^6 a& s* @) C% cSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
3 V  D+ N. {6 l. i. tstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
2 M2 w, H6 c1 Jhours of the Weather Channel.
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5 l; y6 h, i% XSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
3 X6 s* Y4 K* r3 E7 rmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
) \4 \* h& E5 `! e3 I: }' }a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.