WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
, J" r% ]1 M: d" o4 Awrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
& [/ Y: n% B/ v& \into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

; D6 c0 R" I. s+ JFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
. G& J2 S% H( P- D) H1 Fam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
1 i6 |" J9 V* y& fyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
% |; e/ N: {) b; q# _* E8 ^% Wnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
1 |' ?+ O. h2 ?- p1 _instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
9 q" i% o. ~% j9 K( p
, J3 b* q, j6 h1 UMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
8 K# s6 `2 R/ o6 B4 Kencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
* Q4 y1 t+ f, i2 \4 Ime. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
0 t+ N# C4 q! e1 u3 ~, Z$ T
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
! R" V* O0 q: A- N- A6 Xin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
! B4 a1 e8 m: B4 H
- H: D. `1 G& _$ k& B/ vVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
& I! D4 _$ E8 t/ x* R6 |although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
$ U* K( J4 h, I2 y; H. A
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
" v, m, M- U0 q
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
) c! w1 H: V# u% V+ F' ?) S1 ~1 uand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
' S: N( }5 G/ vall worthwhile.
$ T2 E: g. a0 Q# g5 T
1 R5 Y, l5 L8 w& nI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
- V/ M! [/ x( ~( I& G  \2 R* {1 LThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
3 B- b) f1 U! }7 {0 J7 e; S0 Jbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
, X) P# s: r0 y* Dthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
; u! ^3 v' Q2 H8 ^$ v: q7 W; Y+ Ktold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

: ?% g3 Y+ q6 HShe said some other shit too.
" {! u5 N7 `$ b+ q* T2 @
0 m* B5 C0 L9 X- p+ W$ w2 ETHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
; T6 k8 Q1 W: ntook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
9 `/ }- i' q; Q* @# s0 Nmachine -- which I sank.

" b8 l! J: e1 \FRIDAY:
9 A1 f5 Q* a8 i7 }3 HI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
! n% \4 h6 h# z; G& z" Gany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
1 F- T& Y, e2 eanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
& W0 s& [" D1 H2 }) n! U8 pcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
2 z! d' F8 j2 rwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
  A4 Z) M6 |* {/ J) |the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
& e5 `5 v% i( m( s4 y8 ?: n. m
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
# C2 O4 D& r5 v% l" g* W# Ateacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
' O; w: K6 u, y' D0 h$ J4 Por the choir director?
: y- j  o- V0 u/ E6 w: m1 t8 W" d( {
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
+ b, L) B. P' _3 h( _6 J6 X! dmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
( J6 W( A1 D% k; {: _  E! khours of the Weather Channel.
$ ?# ]9 W7 R1 _& O4 C/ b
2 l! R# t% Y: a3 {6 @: xSUNDAY:
/ w9 X; B! m/ X5 r6 L0 O  S6 hI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
; J5 X5 B6 C) ~7 d: a% ?& @and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.