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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something% o, s; {9 ?& Y
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get$ J( _! X' ?: \1 E: `
into a regular workout routine.
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: [! M& G' H, V- A! SDear Diary:
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: Y( U0 ~/ Q; o) M% T+ ^3 K! uFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
5 o4 z' {# l1 Y3 L. s$ Vweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I: g8 T" `0 `* _: ` Z" O
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
, \ i* i# t5 r4 X& z& kyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a- }& D* ?/ k7 w( A0 F! S+ b8 S9 B
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer0 \: g) _/ D) e2 w
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
6 I, d) m8 a; P* Jinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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6 _, ?- `- s! p" }My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club! X z4 i: Y) E9 z) l. W g' `
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:" o! O0 N5 l5 V; }8 Z# b
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
* F9 ?9 P8 F0 A6 s3 n/ G: Z( fworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for8 [2 h' a; ?8 u- H
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
9 u$ T; G. W, r/ peyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!* A" |! C# _8 S( Y
5 i) E3 r3 m$ Z1 t2 f- K- VShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed: Z% S! J# R+ B- e) c T6 `9 A) _5 f, ?
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
7 H7 G- N+ j3 w9 H) h( N7 d7 Nin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in( e. s, n" X% j) [7 ` F/ X
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.4 n* u- q* B7 T- }$ b" S
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
+ M# ~* n1 m8 A* z( Nalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
, i8 U' H# S, p4 |was around.# n5 c8 M$ m2 ?8 t% a% }
* n5 O9 c) I1 x" b% S5 J: mThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
7 D& G( z. ^, NI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
~1 y# M3 x5 V0 ?3 l5 ^Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
; Q7 K1 x. [. }$ cand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the! r6 s1 T" R2 P7 Y
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
1 i; p$ b* W% l J( D+ N J# Vall worthwhile.- S+ {# @5 ^' l- b0 |
0 G6 B+ G! A* D6 g' ~- Y5 rI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.$ m H% x K% S4 {
; v. o1 L' ^- N A& Z& l8 Z0 ?% LWEDNESDAY:
6 y7 ^0 q" d5 S/ H0 xThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
Y9 m- U6 F9 Z$ ~the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
8 m6 Y5 L: G3 ^% aa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to$ l; J* J* X5 P% {1 q
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams& j. R6 E4 w; n
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for" ?9 C5 k0 w: u; ^, S9 l1 [( o( e
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine7 Z( }# M- z4 n2 k, W
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so/ r- @: l' L$ U
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
& t+ [3 q4 n2 }7 \# M5 Ymachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda# X/ n% W1 p+ r
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.( d. E. X0 s1 W6 Q
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She said some other shit too.
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) x4 b+ u% f f$ l; h- XTHURSDAY:
8 x5 @" h4 V$ T) H! DBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
9 ~: h: q, T8 n* G- S2 b2 B; Uher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help3 @4 m9 e, P5 n; a1 a$ n% X, c
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda& ], v7 h% ]- a6 W
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and& y/ g/ \+ J+ L$ I8 X
hid in the men's room.- _$ W/ B u! h- U/ B# @
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing' e; \$ R) D: }2 P6 U+ ?
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:! {) G( ~; s7 I
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated' W* p f1 T; B: x+ ?+ t4 z
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
$ q. |+ a7 S& |9 u6 P2 {/ yanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I8 K8 d) R2 [3 a1 i# Q- G
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
- c# P) ~' ]+ _4 o; N9 ~wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!# ^" B+ ^0 }5 s- L, b9 k3 {; ` \: {
* `! S' O" g% D4 ?And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me9 @( x+ a9 e( T7 \2 [/ P9 C5 {2 R
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.) D' j# f! P' b+ Q5 Q, @- `1 E1 a
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition2 |" s- Y @" h7 e' B
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach* v' f3 |; ]! X) c/ K4 x
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:( d8 v. t9 @& x" t
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,9 b& F, G7 O5 s7 ?1 x5 L2 T
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
9 t2 L6 I4 |, R1 F8 jmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the' C6 v: Z* P3 b0 o& t
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
' [0 i- L) T1 v# @hours of the Weather Channel.0 T8 h( m5 S4 |- ^' z0 I
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SUNDAY:
% t5 s! O6 ~! B* O1 v" l" r9 WI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go) q% ~( U* p' }* k
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,- z$ V$ C& |1 U- J+ J
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like& z+ z) U) G# V' X+ P
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
