WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
0 F3 p/ k* ]; V' ewrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
1 V/ c( V7 J9 N% a6 knamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
/ X% g2 `3 n& _1 z7 Rinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:

' n# `+ }/ R- }8 \2 y2 i! ^Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
% f) b0 _# g/ F1 Z6 l! ?0 {6 k. Q% Xme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
& p- T7 h, _3 y4 Qin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
# o& a' |% y! m* \which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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+ r3 h, m% c; d# k( `/ [Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
2 E7 t5 [) T0 k  T. l0 y" X! Pwas around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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+ A& s6 q7 j8 s6 a. L7 H! j5 R8 N+ UTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
, |$ X$ {( B/ z! h8 ?/ Vtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
2 Y% a0 C) s' }2 d$ h+ \$ ~all worthwhile.
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& G9 u' s- c$ d1 Z' L  C: b4 UI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

3 |6 \4 ^& o. F/ S2 [/ F# \WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
8 \9 l4 a& F! s) p" }0 Ma hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
) c& I: O& e3 r+ @9 |; U$ dsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
/ M8 L; }" ^% A1 p; yearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
1 P$ t# f) L* _7 S. Q" ?that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
" i, F, H" l' Q$ a8 ?  R9 A8 KBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
) ^7 w' C$ A% d' Z: o6 d7 b# _0 G) tmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
6 a$ m' a! u0 M  C. v1 i, wtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
) q+ I. G( {  z5 Uher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
5 l9 _0 }+ m( gbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

( b: L1 I3 g( i0 X$ IShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
; X' o+ E! R* u# @machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
6 d, }) e) u! i. ?1 o! oI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
+ r/ @- X- |$ f2 n; w+ z% _: Sany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
0 v; O' y) Q$ V* uwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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2 ^+ I8 S6 m4 \. s6 @0 lThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
3 ^9 P) b& ]4 B2 yteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
0 c$ i' W. }. s& sor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
" Y  C6 w* x. Wmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
* F( j3 f: L0 {  h# X% n, b5 }hours of the Weather Channel.

9 u+ ]1 Z- o" Q' m4 \. V6 WSUNDAY:
& \6 }  ~7 H+ |# |) m) h/ ]+ f1 @) Q  VI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
+ L. X8 r, K$ I, L* u8 J' dand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
/ o4 _7 n! l  x5 A/ H6 ^% `) jmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
& D2 b, f3 d! E6 G  |  x" aa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.