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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
3 {9 K. H/ \% e4 l" h# {. jwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
) e1 X7 i6 `5 K k! z X& Cinto a regular workout routine.# t6 q8 P) M. e3 G2 A, r' ]6 w) S
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a, }: w1 k0 J+ q
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I% j6 r! J5 }- f3 F$ ]& \
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 253 w9 V$ k/ a3 D, _! m$ [1 ^" \3 K# y
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a9 B5 \7 N/ @, y8 _
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
! ~; v$ v$ f. H* G7 X+ P/ }named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
3 {* b' A) t+ F) i* `; Y# H7 f& H5 tinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.6 l/ O6 D# v0 S' w X) ?" G" Q
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
/ Y# _! p: m5 h2 F' K/ b0 pencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:% v$ z+ N! ]! ]( N4 Y8 E9 ^1 Z. g# m
% n4 x* C5 B( j5 }5 C- ?Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
+ ]7 S; k' S3 b! y7 p8 Vworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for8 R% ?6 u' \( O6 d8 Q0 \- u3 C
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing) j# {6 ^& J9 X
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!* x& ]& ]; m+ v1 p% e F3 Y# K5 y
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
N' g/ g( ?- C# [4 G. f& t4 Rthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
9 \' D% [3 o& d( x& cin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in6 M8 [2 G! ~0 k6 X2 {
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.2 J3 l' W5 ^4 y6 f
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,6 v+ S, @" L6 ~. e
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she6 [5 E2 ?; p" O3 [: @0 E4 s! h3 E
was around.* E9 m+ i. P' L* F8 G/ k! l
1 y" w4 y# b3 Y+ A. UThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!# J0 _8 M; `4 ~2 M
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TUESDAY:
! N/ Z7 o. _; CI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
. ]1 X2 x! d P u) DBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
$ G! s6 H% S$ qand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
: ~( h, J+ ?/ G# Y8 x8 o [treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it, }, x# B5 ?0 x
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.# S7 \' k( \6 B4 n& @6 e
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WEDNESDAY:
% o3 ] S v! [1 R1 ?( J; }The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
* G) t4 z" f7 t# qthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have+ ^5 u, x G) t! }
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to/ `8 Y! Z& \$ T1 |' |
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams6 m. U% I- C. ^) x
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for; |/ M4 T+ k1 a3 l
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
/ _" P& T/ @- U% Sthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; b5 w( @5 Q) U5 a# zBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
* H( l! w* J5 X/ x Lmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda; O, v, |9 ?; B9 C6 _3 k8 c; R8 ]
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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) r1 G( v) d4 o: H* o$ p$ EShe said some other shit too./ Q5 n K4 u; ]* B! x
1 W9 ~: O" N; |) ?" MTHURSDAY:/ x9 p/ u" g( Z. ^
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
; ~ _" g5 ?" @her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help3 \& n7 C9 s6 E* T4 y4 e
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
! g) [2 J H& \5 F5 S9 o: X" Q; Mtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and/ E& ^) _" l) ^
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing* R* F7 j! w% B8 a' ^* A1 v3 h
machine -- which I sank.
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5 O; n, r# g* R1 v5 d8 Z$ {& yFRIDAY:
8 ]" Y1 B% d( N; h- _* SI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated5 {, l+ o) P9 Q1 f0 g" g3 M) Y$ p
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, `* B: X; `& u6 ], D
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
. G) R7 m: k* f. Mcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda2 q4 T) v7 D. r+ g1 k# A
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!, ^5 f7 n. v g* c
2 ?( p2 P' r; P \ j9 mAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
0 c( n9 r0 {3 l2 Q) [6 Uthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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* t8 s+ _9 Q F" J) qThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ D4 [: Y9 E( k4 Z9 i2 E4 l9 {teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
5 {; `7 w2 y! q8 Cor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:; l2 l5 ^* {. E% ?9 u3 X
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
I8 C7 o' w1 y" O9 G& t) y3 n& xshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her' [2 s7 ~3 Q a/ j9 z
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the5 n# U$ ]: H9 n+ X5 z
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight% o" e# z$ V; `' M3 a5 T
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
, Z8 |/ I2 j7 ?I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
+ [+ d) y3 @7 h1 t; z. Z# W! Mand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, a7 G3 Y) K( U* s9 L4 ?) \
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like; }' Z8 y% J% B8 ~6 ~
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
