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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,* X, @8 C0 J4 o$ w( q$ g
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
  d. n1 F7 U' A9 Z1 ?5 \7 m. a6 E零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
3 Q! T3 Z( I) b现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.7 G8 ?" l0 ~1 y: l. g5 {
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.) b) v0 F1 B. q0 b
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.0 H$ H  `* e# X4 w& Y
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
" [+ e) z. q( @/ T8 B5 E' P! T8 k猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.) D; _/ w% U  @; ?
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
- p$ v* m5 S0 Z  Y& u5 G# `! r我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及! _' q! @" [! [1 x
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。  G( h( U' l" N4 l
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.- {/ J" y/ n9 v; C2 f* R" p
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
9 k$ b! ^2 Z1 w$ ?想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.( c" K1 D/ E7 s8 l0 ^
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. * G- G  l5 a. @; _/ [
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?6 T/ n7 f: `) M2 ~" ~! `1 j
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
* z9 C  M& p3 r" d( T- V迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.7 M0 ], g: l% e9 l: U
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have., p7 g7 W% n7 [- ]8 Z
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
/ R: L, t. M6 q; {- x; j- GWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
% M9 Q9 j2 s0 ^; @6 D多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously/ `0 b0 V! D+ U3 S2 O, N
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
- S* X$ v* {* _7 L1 {- _& F( g3 e多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
$ u/ e- f$ K5 ]- w0 q4 M为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
/ L( d3 G( C  N  i; o( B多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
/ e+ N; i7 Z  n* Q3 w永难平息的泪
# A, @6 Q' `. c6 e' G每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes1 v  c$ f- |! q7 J
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.: @$ K; W$ r, d
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.4 B: ]5 G1 e% D$ v. ]3 y+ e  w
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,( b! [$ k* g$ c7 R
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
" n% @! K9 _3 X0 f1 ]$ y一抹微笑;
$ G! h+ c. t2 u; B) V一个手势;! X. |0 Y/ }- U9 |
一片话语,7 b+ X1 r+ d( t' x8 O8 K# {: c/ }
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
5 D1 F9 \4 A% A- f明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
, a, Y/ V& W, O8 T8 C心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.! a; ]" U: ~( T" T" m2 X
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
9 a9 u, C& w+ H也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..; ^! l# `1 w3 d5 ?
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
8 E, I7 Y' I* _我并不以为然。
5 q5 x2 h1 N: X4 Z! ?可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed " P+ ^. m4 I% `) V
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion ./ K8 j, T- d. t, ~; J% g
被一种情绪所左右,
4 _2 E* A& |+ \& p& U! L总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .) H! r) ?9 D( T& z
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
4 G1 q; u* _  r( Y6 @4 }也不问我是否喜欢你,
  e) `' r# u$ y, E1 q对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
, `, p5 K8 ?8 n只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
% D- e+ N" L  h! c6 N/ `; v3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you+ @  D4 v& y- \/ C
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
6 \8 E0 V* l( f; q1 P, Z! y! f然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 0 j- k6 {  n# e. c0 V
你的身影已化成一种氛围,8 N8 j; z" R; v2 @% I
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
0 C# T9 }  \! i" Z0 [' w! F你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 0 e* E- t% q6 H9 _2 ]
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字+ M' M4 W4 y4 F& x
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
: h* U/ f* n& E一种声音,and your voice( {5 E0 W! Q8 N, w
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
7 C& \) P- C# {) ]% R掺杂著幸福的感觉。
* E  k1 i- q' p; t# C与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
& c9 x2 d3 @3 b' |象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
; y9 J2 B% w* z倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
% c6 w! E2 B; Z8 R1 ]0 \) X纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。# D* B" B) Y4 X* I! e
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss- O) Z- q- A8 u1 t5 B3 ~& D3 H
有一个能够让思念的人,/ x$ N* R" I6 h) b
其实也是一种幸福。
4 K& {& w. G. L/ S! N# v  o1 l. k尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
8 U4 l5 [% y, E柔柔的海风," l' p# c; P7 [0 K4 f& R. `
甜甜的夏天。3 C% g* @, A" e
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
( s0 Q" M8 P% n4 {* T5 q只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
  T0 h) b( I; }' ~! z仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.5 K1 o$ x3 a+ b1 Q. Z
想和你有共同的情结,
5 J0 q3 d6 C# ]+ `* W' C共同的心愿。5 }( L8 I& ]! i* W0 m: [5 `

+ T/ G9 @$ y& P% V0 C( f( Y( k, F, j
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
3 B" y, z# ^6 z% y一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
) a; C8 v" p: h+ H1 @( `$ d或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
$ K; C! W$ c, `, Z; g+ ~或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.0 K$ l3 y1 i  S3 v# T: q+ n
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
0 B: L0 {1 Q+ q& h我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
% k7 K6 z7 Z/ v. [  ]/ J, Z- N/ _浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
- @5 ?2 D& T' L# D3 ~2 ^9 d8 X或是轻轻的一吻,2 f3 k3 ~0 y% r! a/ L5 X7 m& h
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』, I$ y$ i& R! Q* M' f( O5 _8 X7 ^
就足够了. That is enough.
2 x0 \# |' E& {7 d这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! * G' y0 S/ l; C1 |
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.6 h# X0 c  F' v# y% E7 j
萌出了芽,2 v9 v/ R" h% u
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
2 _; R4 V4 h  b$ a  l浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
& R& Z6 |1 g- j# I. G- z# J如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand9 Z) C: L$ g% k6 F) G5 _6 c; _
能够牵著你的手,! O  p& H( u. a* `& K
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.6 c0 P4 z+ i# f! w' x
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. : n. x8 V6 K/ [
慢慢地细读,
: S! f3 q4 c; ^$ U我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
! O3 n5 I8 Z" W& k  H$ B6 Y5 {在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
! f% b) \: B$ j  p1 o4 X9 v' ?( l我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 6 K% D7 A0 y7 N+ j6 N0 g8 ~
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:* H8 j5 h6 L/ W) x/ _1 L  W6 r
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
/ e2 @( A; d$ R- h眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
; e2 w7 {( O% A4 Echange to:lacked
. A$ Z% |! z9 C$ W7 h; q! \5 W猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
5 c0 v7 n! J. J6 |4 [Cats often played at the whole hot night.
# \& \! L5 ]6 l: A: a 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
' |, C1 O7 S1 i# p' P" E改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
" r$ u- S& R7 k* G. B% rI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. + ?. \$ s) Z* B, T6 _
该为:throughyour hands.; f! w% h- f' k7 C7 G/ p
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。! A6 o$ ^8 W( |& q7 ^  j9 i. G$ I$ Z
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
6 Z  m$ H: @# Q# U8 c+ g7 f' Y至少比我强。
+ S0 p5 c1 T5 G% ?! G偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
' ~7 Q! V/ X( K3 Q
/ e! h0 K3 A! P) ]0 E  {* n1 @3 S  b这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
; B$ E# W: G0 X后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.* i9 m' A! ~, u4 c( \( p% N
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
1 m- q  y& ~- r7 E前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:0 p, U2 k& f1 F1 I4 X  Y: U
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.: K: d2 ]9 C6 `: W+ ?7 j
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
+ E. j# L# S6 k: R8 E Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
, }) Z4 K4 P+ t' t: B0 LThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.+ y% j3 W5 f# G( m0 w
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.  X: G" F2 E4 _# {1 ~
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:) a$ d" y5 A; d4 m" \1 [% H+ d$ H
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool + E/ G8 G% b. A+ K2 p2 U
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.1 H! B; `! B& ?
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
& r6 T- A! W: d6 ^2 OThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.5 R1 S9 ?1 O. ^) V. E$ ?
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.1 |6 C' u/ J  s6 w/ c
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
. W9 S: d, K$ T9 W' hI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.# k, K; F  a6 P  O) p7 J7 X
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?2 V6 Y1 O0 a: ~% g
Intoxicated then feel cold,
3 M) i9 A( b& uthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.; f+ K7 x+ W9 V+ m3 p& e
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
! n$ X  y8 W! M4 d' `' GThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
6 E% F& i5 F/ ~* S2 t: W: H1 i+ m6 w$ zWhy I am always hoodwinked!
" z. s7 @' q+ l% ?( T1 kI have told myself many times cautiously 3 b2 T, }3 T# f" c- m1 g/ _
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
: I  B0 U* S' d: ?  rThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
* X- y6 r8 l8 G4 zWhy can`t I take it easy?
, t" V$ N5 i& a# s7 @" M! l( B% q7 }7 [How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!* D1 e# s2 o% s8 V
When the quiet night comes' ?# Z5 x4 d2 J7 O, t; i' Q) N4 f
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
4 A9 _7 i: i3 g0 b; G. pThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
+ I! A- f- \  J9 ?9 |8 KYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,0 l9 G9 D. h7 M2 n) g3 _9 o
light the dark corner in my mind.
* G8 ~2 F; ?- P  BI feel a bit of cozy.
7 }( r) U% `8 dThe deep attached to you in a twinkling+ r  r$ E) i& P
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.+ C  `2 V; @) d
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
4 h' w$ ~) V! f: N/ dbut accompanying with the time passed
+ h/ P* p; u6 r0 `% q$ LI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,8 b9 k5 l5 l8 a' Z
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
4 h& C: w" O9 S- U: A$ kWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
6 M5 v) v+ b: Sonly feel gracious for your existing,
$ G, ?" v* \& K5 x/ F+ Xonlt want to do something for you.) I$ R  |8 d, _- [, t+ }- N
Every time when you meet me% |7 S: m6 k& @; u
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,5 z9 j5 \2 K9 `4 h
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
& T7 {9 @2 u  h/ J3 _# cThat live in my heart.
& B1 J: ?+ m: ~Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
: A5 d. h0 v$ T0 C) E' ?* |Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
1 H* h4 [3 P$ Y8 ^4 mmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
6 O. z% V) I; a  O4 r. AThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land" [+ ?4 ?$ V4 b7 b6 B2 R/ Y- ~
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
3 {) ?9 a+ M3 {2 `- S7 lDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,' U6 _* N8 a, x. Z' ?3 h
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.. f$ S2 b  n6 A1 w
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ( T! c0 g2 z" ]- ^" f- y- G0 J+ [; H% i
only waiting for you quietly; k) }# @6 x5 i2 E" b: h2 c5 R( {
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
( u+ `; n, ~4 Q+ n$ h: [( TI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
( U9 `4 ^; m. A8 s: {and enjoy the rain washing together
  c1 ?1 R% P0 E) _3 Eor rush to a film4 t! A8 `; o& b) W3 L
or listen to a music quietly.
+ Z7 X' f+ |3 `( u' QWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?7 b) ?1 N. W& `4 ~  b
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,  @- j9 P- }/ |1 ?3 m
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
$ k2 p) [6 ]( nThat is enough.1 {) E, W! O% _4 z0 Y6 n/ W
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,: X# p2 D, f7 O
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
; A" |( i2 ?8 w; Hthe same as my missing.
, Y* j( ~- d  uIt comes a little bit of verdure.6 V! R9 B& J! P: n$ E$ [
If, If some day I can touch your hand, 0 b, \& G% i3 ]9 r
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
4 Y8 U) p; {, y" dLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
% q; z* I( C# c: c% hI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
& d% i4 t0 k  ]& Q" N$ @  DAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,  x) @' k8 r- U% A$ m9 w7 Y+ \: v7 l2 R
then I will have all care and ardor.  o$ C' S# o5 \6 ^* a/ e+ O' I
Shall we walk arm in arm?$ t9 s/ K# f/ ~4 J' @" w) H. R
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.$ @! K# T5 w- a
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
; L8 A  d; _9 t, S: i" P& \: @I am still the same person of yesterday.9 X$ ?+ H  ~: F" G2 G
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
  B) ^2 \3 r( E# BSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
& x) k; G* T& i/ `7 tLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.+ D( T1 i& q  p5 g
More or less,
& P: F' m) q* S: a$ m a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.8 Y+ J+ @3 }$ X4 d

' P3 o9 T+ u) iSummer easily slips away
2 |2 |1 X* G  y/ \/ n- f# nThose long lost hot nights
: `/ M% X1 {# m) |& F& y. k can only be found in the old days.
: L( b% ?9 }4 r+ x; J9 s
9 ]1 O% E9 R! u. UCats jumping over the window sills, . i( a3 S0 J6 O0 [5 T
chasing around in the breeziness.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
1 c! P% C& i# g( aGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
5 V# o# K* j8 h) B8 P& B9 Z/ q6 bLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 m6 g( O/ u3 H, p
I am still the same person of yesterday.4 O0 S; H: i4 |4 B8 J
Unchanged name, unchange ...
  t6 Q8 Q" ^9 T6 x. J/ F: z- e
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ' w3 u6 Q$ ^2 _' A
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.9 e8 }' u2 S% n1 N. }2 ]2 L
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.9 c8 f" E0 @; K  I( m
I am still the same person of yesterday.% w2 f6 _3 f, i' v; U6 n1 B9 E
Unchanged name, unchange ...
' M: ^( }  a7 P
i like it.
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