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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,: j; i: f* B* V2 s
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  & e9 O% w6 E9 }& o
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
# E, {! G  V$ U$ g8 [4 x现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.. N, t8 R; Z3 D/ l
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
! {2 k/ Q/ e& o- N4 U眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.  B% g  }6 L) l% B: ?6 f! m2 o
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
# _9 `$ K, v) [8 v& L# {猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.' |" s/ Y1 ^8 U, D, \+ i- ?
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
. a  o* f* D8 Z+ V4 I我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
* H) o5 Z; j8 d2 Z( U2 `那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。- Z0 d4 A& Y8 r) q# y* ]' D# O% M0 l
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
& v' S8 p5 a, K! q" I6 A昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
+ `9 T6 @+ s) r, i: F/ g( Y& }想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
  b' S9 X; n& r' J+ v最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
; f, g6 T0 T8 Y9 X5 c- P寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?$ g7 \+ E6 Z' p6 ~
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
  O. l0 X% z1 D, O2 _; w迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
0 b+ g$ p- R; {8 o$ X' m* z最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have." K$ |9 G( G8 H# h
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
, D' R, M6 l$ \Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
7 M+ x6 i7 d  j& H+ h多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
/ B8 Z+ s- E# F' g不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.( T2 D4 G: @8 `
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, : N0 b% T. S) `, S
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?" a6 Q7 ^% C& p; {1 x  P$ L
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
& A) d% {9 Z/ w8 S1 l. S永难平息的泪4 e; v) H# k/ d2 w
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes+ M- k/ Q1 U5 S4 O, {$ B4 ^
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
; e9 n5 x6 w8 J# I0 m+ W( i当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
9 ~, _8 z. T; @' X7 u0 z让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
% Q) s. {1 h2 C5 m9 ^( w# o你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul " }5 R6 r# B8 d' b- L, r
一抹微笑;( x! e: E/ X! }2 {- E2 A6 a
一个手势;
( _" x$ U' o) q+ q2 b一片话语,
0 v4 r# \2 k" y- }  C% \3 `愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
( V& Y; K% }% m4 Z: D# `3 z5 ^0 C明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner, X+ ]3 U( Z3 N* l+ I& p0 ]% p
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.4 P9 o' j# D7 B, K+ N/ e
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling4 K  ?& b/ U- w: t9 t
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
# k7 L4 e" D) V- E  {* R起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,- C* W2 |) I/ [& H6 K5 A6 i1 ~
我并不以为然。
( g" ]) H/ ]; g  b4 z: P+ n可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
, G& X" _; {9 _* r$ u; K* f5 O慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .: W' `' b/ m! W  ^, c; H; C- ~
被一种情绪所左右,
0 _7 p# N" z2 r, x' L总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .+ E1 R( W) Q/ K9 q
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you# e# B: r; f. m3 P4 S/ }0 X: J' s; K. w
也不问我是否喜欢你,% u; v* o4 u" o/ `- ~$ b1 T; N6 g
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.' m: c  }4 ~: n; [5 g+ M  }
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
5 V! k" p" b$ x; ^3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you' E  j/ \/ y$ ]! O
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil2 a7 i* K8 t6 W" F/ ~9 @  C9 U
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 0 \4 Y. I4 I* p1 q6 e8 ^6 C/ d
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
% ^& Y& n- c; B# `7 H# |& X记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.; ~& \/ W% A) p; X' y
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! # a9 ]4 e( _' U0 b, a6 Q
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字0 N) B# V3 ?& a4 H
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,& K' h7 ~, c& a) D2 k7 O( D2 w
一种声音,and your voice
' x" l, T8 N$ d  `" Q! J! o" o也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
/ m: U) O* {: R* S2 t2 ]8 ~8 C掺杂著幸福的感觉。" o# k* F4 @4 O" B% D. v1 H
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
4 n/ u# J" |7 w' J象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
  T7 l+ w. y! \0 Y) @  u倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
( @6 R% S# E) f9 T) V$ U纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。1 I* h/ M8 E3 K4 Y( F
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
9 f/ d: w, [6 D& ?" V7 s/ x有一个能够让思念的人,- ~2 V! B+ u. S  l+ C
其实也是一种幸福。2 k1 p: y  E, e1 v4 y
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
9 _5 g4 f8 K% V- R柔柔的海风,8 b0 p/ k& d" k) H! V4 j3 k$ c/ W
甜甜的夏天。0 x* l0 A! A' m+ Q5 I+ c
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" m' Y! [) {! X" {! ~, C' e只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.5 |. O$ x' i$ M1 w' O; e
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.2 T1 s6 r/ |/ p
想和你有共同的情结,' s: g6 ~- ^$ j. v7 v# G8 e' _
共同的心愿。
- F. [" o& K6 w1 h- B) g# B' F9 h8 n! M
* q% ~; Y# l% T7 J5 C
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
5 o5 i5 A% O0 X* V, L一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together: m) S, n" X0 v/ i
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ! u2 y& ?: c& u4 c/ `$ c
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
* S9 K- ?( Y$ E『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?, |& p8 ~$ b7 B' ]! _3 P2 D( D
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 2 y; {. q" @- x$ F0 i
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
/ U" _. a* i  N$ @% s. w2 \, T或是轻轻的一吻,
, j  R" E3 z4 r& }3 d再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
9 e. [$ U$ v8 J; G/ J/ n/ m就足够了. That is enough.
' e" f. f& O3 G5 Q! o$ ?这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 7 X$ @9 _0 [& n/ B7 o1 m
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.2 \  u( L5 Q, A6 t& \
萌出了芽,
( T1 ~1 H5 Y3 c9 h) E# j一如对你的思念,the same as my missing( H8 w7 I& x7 \
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.2 Q, Y8 D! r" b1 Y6 n* f
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand$ U( D4 u0 p8 M+ a$ S+ u" e
能够牵著你的手,2 }- u* O0 S- a
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely./ s% z2 H+ u% O8 b
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
, t2 g: W; Y- G, f8 e慢慢地细读,
/ Y/ Q% o3 c2 e. \* k- ]我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
5 w6 ?, ?" B$ {; b" G# i2 m6 O' f( e在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me   j9 Z) d, k% i# R; P; {
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
; N& H" {4 g+ T* T! k& a就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
) K0 f+ i, I: U& }现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago: D* s+ C: x, T* C
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.4 x. P4 k  Y7 ^5 h7 c
change to:lacked
( I! v: R3 g# p; K4 |6 i1 E( e! ~猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
6 ?2 }# Z% O# vCats often played at the whole hot night.) f5 Z- t2 A1 h5 D/ R+ I# m- f/ B
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
( f4 K5 a5 p3 O' i0 P改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
' r2 J3 J0 ?4 D0 K6 o- nI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
9 Y# V. i4 P$ M. {3 f% [* D1 D该为:throughyour hands.; s( w( o& @$ M0 }
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
- K! I  c  C, f" P$ W0 G) I. h不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
! ^1 ~% I7 h3 l. }至少比我强。
2 y) F7 S& P  i) x' u7 m偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
4 A" N- A+ f$ B; [- b) T/ Y
, ]! I# x, B4 u! C! v9 Q这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
9 R. M# C# P) \. i% ^后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.3 S# v9 v1 ^& Z5 Z2 X& f2 ?2 ?1 s. q5 _
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
7 p. J& t  y& p2 W" [% f前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:* m+ g  m0 ]2 o. {
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
1 p# M8 I: ~2 t+ @2 `' X1 c, CPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.: n! N7 h- W" S* `
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
* s4 g1 m. v, }0 z! UThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.2 i4 b2 u3 y: y
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.4 O$ `4 D0 M' P" v9 |* [( ?& p
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
$ [1 K2 x. g7 yCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
+ i, m; c' I; u6 v$ X$ g+ Flike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence." u) G3 Q) ?* Z: i) Q
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.  }9 i1 ^4 J1 \2 o
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
" [. v5 E" j* r" o7 J6 B% JThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.* b: O* S) i" i( m. P
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
! y/ L- q( q: B) l2 E0 pI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild., B8 U& o, g+ p  Z) t$ q
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
% U0 f: _5 U5 i2 Z2 A0 ^; kIntoxicated then feel cold,. J1 ]% p9 F: C
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
+ d0 W. q& Z+ U5 e  ^" eI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.: B) x9 E( Y, {4 A* d5 n$ D; m
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
; }1 _; d2 _0 s8 CWhy I am always hoodwinked!6 ]' X' H* y! [: t6 H
I have told myself many times cautiously * {) v1 F5 e; V. I
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.% ~* ]& T8 ]8 E' ^4 n: h
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
0 K7 i3 t! S2 n' `* U: EWhy can`t I take it easy?1 T* y' I& h+ t9 u  X! H8 }
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!1 L  k+ Z" K0 A4 X+ A. t% J3 j' ~; N
When the quiet night comes
2 e3 v. l2 r4 M# O  {your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.8 D" y$ `' p2 d. l7 N' K
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.% ^' z! A7 C! o- F
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
6 c! l( R0 C, r% w4 klight the dark corner in my mind.  s$ H& D. Q5 V# u
I feel a bit of cozy.5 a4 {/ T: ]; e3 F5 z6 f5 P
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
; `0 Y/ d/ c$ N9 K2 ^  q9 Dmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.. R+ o9 f8 X; Y8 J; c
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,% ]" v) q$ I+ m* q" s
but accompanying with the time passed
* A* l# l3 S& N( WI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
4 r9 @1 y5 {" b) i' walways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
0 j% n0 P1 N4 w2 x3 gWithout asking if you like me or if I like you  X2 Q& c# Q( @% v+ {) I2 x
only feel gracious for your existing,$ v0 z9 @% o2 b9 h" Y7 n  I
onlt want to do something for you.
% R! b/ s' h  P( T8 NEvery time when you meet me
) o2 }1 V; ?+ u* t, J, |the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,! l1 Z4 K* g2 m- U3 ^- o& j+ y
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere% [! s5 ~/ ~6 w/ r
That live in my heart.; b3 A5 n6 \% J/ u0 G8 t
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
# R  O2 ~: Y& i8 [; A/ G# ^Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
' i! ~2 \% t9 o# G! ]& z. b; i0 C, Wmake me gently distraught with happy feeling., y9 Z" E+ L/ v. G/ n+ E
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land% G5 K7 ^8 `, q( ?3 S  c( T' Z- E
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.7 ?- U4 V1 T; F, o
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,1 o7 m4 j; y* L# U# t2 L
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.- e) {; S7 z( ~9 r* @
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy : U0 o1 E& c7 X" c5 E/ L# V0 T' H
only waiting for you quietly+ s$ x& F$ g- M" K$ ]* R1 t
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
; R6 G) V. @2 v* kI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
& w; C+ |# f' Y' X+ C. S; _and enjoy the rain washing together& A( K. K" [. j2 n
or rush to a film0 S' D2 E) l; x6 b! J
or listen to a music quietly.
- `$ I/ H8 U7 F6 o7 q2 k' U+ ZWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
& p" W6 n$ Q, ^( yIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,$ }0 s' Z/ A& Z; g! k3 m, U) C
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
  E* g  ~8 ~% e+ I. i/ w( a0 RThat is enough.& j5 p% R/ @; b9 {
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
' \2 D4 ]0 I/ Jfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,! I9 y2 ^2 P6 w& ^0 X
the same as my missing.
, Y( R- L) y: oIt comes a little bit of verdure.+ }9 P% c7 F9 r- ~9 }, \/ B
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
8 X" a9 h5 h8 |* w3 rthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 i# q5 h9 K) }7 f  L
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.$ W3 k" t0 \0 m/ ]) {' T6 j1 ~, H
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
/ x! K$ K8 s  N$ |At the moment you reach out your hands to me ," v( S( f+ H; w+ `3 K. M, d0 Q
then I will have all care and ardor.
# S6 p& ?" S5 m* _2 pShall we walk arm in arm?
' h1 r! o4 P  n呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
4 K3 S' T! B/ ~% J) w+ g9 XLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& z8 w; W+ W! f( M" h
I am still the same person of yesterday.
3 {7 J  @3 d, y" L( q' {, q1 }' H* kUnchanged name, unchanged I.+ R! T6 k. L  U% e* c/ D
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 4 ]) ~/ V4 O5 G$ D7 q6 B& D
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.% c" d9 X3 a  U, {) q1 T0 o2 q
More or less,$ U! r1 Y9 ]9 J4 g! q
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
( H9 l. s& L+ C4 g" ^' t
! u: f7 u' M) B3 ~0 h& uSummer easily slips away
9 A$ s3 j) u6 F+ TThose long lost hot nights
1 n0 I4 r' V3 F. J can only be found in the old days.
/ Y! B$ H  n9 o  l
6 d% t/ D+ u+ `* W1 X4 @$ o% YCats jumping over the window sills,
3 }7 A: t' Y% I9 U. U7 X; ~chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
) ^2 N7 z: k' F; \# B  NGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.$ M; Y! a9 B+ K+ @
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.3 G& g" Z' }- I/ a0 a
I am still the same person of yesterday.
6 q2 A: W- k3 ^9 E6 W( _Unchanged name, unchange ...
, _* x$ N; ~& C8 C% i3 j, d
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
) b' _5 r; ^# t% T3 X! cGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* L0 ^0 ]$ X  e: }7 I4 }) ALeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around." P) u# H8 Y, w
I am still the same person of yesterday.
4 k6 u" E0 w% L' p( q) R) mUnchanged name, unchange ...

& F7 P+ Y0 y, Y7 Y9 c/ `% ]# Ci like it.
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