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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
  R. S7 P8 M9 ~' E! b,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ' r* }1 a+ N; ]
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 2 x6 R5 Q. X( e2 ~8 [! k- q# s5 Z
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
; k1 f  ~# J' c: b( L  M& o0 U梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.* t4 D+ g, O6 w" z( A: n
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
  v" n; p6 L* H# @$ J( [: r夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
( K4 J9 |' l- V# m' n" j9 D9 S) Y猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
9 t/ t3 V2 m9 b$ x" ]就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.# k5 V/ e2 Y- S6 q* i
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
6 ?' ^- K3 k; v那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。4 X# ~6 ?2 I/ \
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.3 M4 H7 F* F- U: e) k
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.+ u7 z* B9 x7 S: W2 ]  w: f' V; o4 c
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.! `0 U- B5 q+ h) v' ]
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. * T  c; D* w4 K; {
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?+ s5 R  u3 ^1 }! _8 W
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
& F. h8 ]4 }" |/ d) d; C7 D: y  Y迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction./ P: {2 G& r2 }- }0 j
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
/ t9 Q. w' f# [4 [& }- e2 Q2 K多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
' B6 y) t* x9 l5 YWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
& N. P7 ~2 c2 o+ z多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
5 o6 `3 O8 [2 A) |9 W不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.* N2 M: m4 _: v/ K8 O* ~' v, U
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 7 T2 v& I8 x/ W0 S' _9 D
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?0 y. v( u- m& y) N$ W
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!! O' C+ ]4 i8 Q7 [& \* d" T
永难平息的泪( Q* Z: F' S( y0 }
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
. ?. e$ C! l+ d/ U1 X8 C  j) B~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
# `! D# S( S$ D% q当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.# n" j+ y2 Y5 _4 ^
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
3 s8 Z: Z8 m3 G+ |0 q2 X你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
" \9 |+ H! p) ~/ Q, N& z一抹微笑;: M0 [8 [, r0 r. F+ _' @
一个手势;: u$ c( H8 m) Y) B1 E% [
一片话语,
8 `2 X& V: B  V$ V愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、+ V9 ?. |1 s- Q  m3 y2 i
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
+ _6 Y% D7 w8 Q: |心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.9 \% v0 r# w, F$ k; m  a( r
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling8 i4 {" n3 c; Z: F8 E% K
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..* [1 H6 R. D8 S4 t9 m
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,* U4 @) n& w: X# c& n
我并不以为然。: y" m2 l  g2 n5 Q5 _
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed ; W  P5 u0 \$ {% m- B# {& c, U
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .0 L( A# |7 Z7 d/ L- z
被一种情绪所左右,
1 e8 j- M1 g  h( P总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
. l6 c: S! z( z5 f即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
6 ?/ y& [% q- g1 G( m也不问我是否喜欢你,
6 W- n& h& W0 _  U对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
( G4 o4 i* k5 v, m5 O, P$ S( X只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
6 F+ ^/ h; N) ^- u& G' R; n5 u" |3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
/ F: ^9 X5 ]' ^. X心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
% m" l3 z4 l6 L; @, B- I然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ! W6 r: e" i4 n" Z6 D( }: K
你的身影已化成一种氛围,7 F  N) Q  \7 b% u6 L7 D7 f# J- `4 p
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.3 t# |/ Z/ E: O7 |! R
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 9 S$ T0 @  o2 Y% D( s$ g' h
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字5 p$ e' ]% h- u
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,; U6 K, |% Q% ?6 Y; {5 A
一种声音,and your voice
( K1 z) V) c& W' A+ E6 @也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
% Q6 K' m6 e  S# c掺杂著幸福的感觉。
% L! f7 M: Z& \* B. R3 L与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land, T" |# J; A7 M$ d" N/ d
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,# R3 w+ P" O/ g. n  @) Y0 J9 W. H
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
( a, }* ]# y4 A2 V' H* v纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。* V: n0 V8 i" V
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss. V7 y% z+ ^6 [! O2 R
有一个能够让思念的人,( z3 N0 d0 Z6 F" y2 c
其实也是一种幸福。$ {* @$ b& C( d% _0 A
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
# i$ @0 z' M" x柔柔的海风,
5 _7 S5 ?/ a/ O7 Q0 Q甜甜的夏天。1 ?& C1 b) N. `, I" ~
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
* W1 S- R  Z- j, \6 c4 D! @* b( |只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
0 e5 p( \; j! W仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
3 X# X$ W9 q2 O7 S6 N0 [7 R! D' h: N想和你有共同的情结,
  b& X( f0 x5 X* J1 ]4 t共同的心愿。9 P1 l7 ^; B3 o* {

. X. b# s. D/ E" o  R  x8 @4 l! j- S6 C
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you* ^* Q' ?6 e6 E, O% [
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
+ f0 R7 d, n: u' `# ?: E# h( W2 v4 ?或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
) ~+ k' @+ u8 c  h% N或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.7 a7 y) m2 Z' |, }$ V
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?: g7 k! X, N5 Y$ ]6 P
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, ) `) p5 X+ t) }5 u; s( p0 z* X/ p
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”" z* Z. `1 r& g0 b6 Y2 Y. ^& a
或是轻轻的一吻,9 B2 W' x, Z5 @# R; G* z
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』1 ^$ {$ U' D$ u0 R
就足够了. That is enough.2 m; `0 I. y& x# n: \0 Y$ y6 U6 q
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ) _% E7 \! u; m* J3 Y* d3 B& r
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.. _2 M) t. H- g1 w
萌出了芽,
! g# [. E! H9 J  u+ h; k% ?一如对你的思念,the same as my missing- n- N; D; E# R* d( e! X' Q
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
: Q# [/ p' a; J% e2 J如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand0 s6 a& N" A) G1 \0 a7 ~
能够牵著你的手,8 O  i- n/ {' `/ c. ~# i* n
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
4 R! l8 \3 Y- t& f0 B让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. ) B0 w  Z0 V9 ]) M- R+ n" D
慢慢地细读,
& m1 i7 D! _( n我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
& ~, Y) K! l, ^在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
+ @8 }' ^+ z% ]+ W% m2 T% Y我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor , o+ @6 D, X' U1 D
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
& Z/ w) i, Z/ z% A3 l& Y* }现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
, K1 c0 A2 D0 X" p4 Z眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
+ J; v0 x( C2 L, u" G( T' \/ Cchange to:lacked; n+ Z& t0 Q1 J/ X
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
) u0 w1 ~* j9 J: E0 R, w1 q6 BCats often played at the whole hot night.
- y3 K' T! O  n3 G1 { 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
8 }9 a3 x0 H$ R3 J. Q8 y改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
& {) d, \! G4 D+ X( W# sI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
; g  D6 h$ Q" y- a% b" @该为:throughyour hands.7 `) [+ }% G5 H3 N
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
; q9 [  B3 ]) T0 t( i: V2 S  u不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。4 a9 ~. M; C+ x2 @* ?0 g* \; b: i
至少比我强。1 v% }( ?, ?' y) ]1 s
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
2 n/ i; B& a& r6 H* q
8 Q, g) u9 {% g# m" t, z这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
% J) P! S* \/ g9 s* |6 x后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
( f1 b6 \/ j) P& @谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
7 T* h  v2 v9 h7 [6 u( I前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:  }& q# W3 T1 R6 S
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.8 g8 H! |, u* K, P/ z+ u! B
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
" A- _/ ^$ N: ]+ b Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
3 s5 {0 M  a& T" NThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
: G; J6 Z. K% t0 dSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
! d2 c; l- a. Z7 F/ h3 Q# n1 ?Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
0 q8 x- v9 p/ |& Y6 {% Y* _4 @$ dCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 9 S4 _# ?" |5 ^5 V/ B5 g
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.6 U! X7 x1 D" N0 `0 ?% e( L
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
$ t% h8 z6 C! `+ nThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.' Y  H, H# ?0 X, {
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.2 {5 ?# h( [* r/ j4 t
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
/ A- s# ~2 @+ |9 D+ w* [! ~I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.% e' S% ~/ n% G* b
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
6 I$ q3 e* j" o& a7 |# EIntoxicated then feel cold,4 `+ I( `9 Z" V: [1 E
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.2 Y, }9 ?, `# c5 Z/ ~
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
1 u$ {* Z4 e, Q. U- GThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
! G, e. t. d+ i/ ^# |Why I am always hoodwinked!
' t0 k9 K  g2 h6 R$ n' N0 q8 JI have told myself many times cautiously
8 d8 e" N$ @" D7 r7 S! cdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.+ I0 R, ^$ l# Y$ O% N2 j1 d
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
( s+ D' o6 ?+ v( S) |Why can`t I take it easy?
5 y3 T/ \/ P' ~4 k# pHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!+ r% p/ {$ k( W/ ~! V& _) P  \
When the quiet night comes, P. o( ]" b) P+ h' ?5 S) ^0 o
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
! v1 q) F  s/ R# HThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.. g: a9 B+ a2 g5 z
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
4 C6 Z! K9 R! `: z* R% xlight the dark corner in my mind.: ~- {: y- }2 l  [. j
I feel a bit of cozy.
6 v% @7 w& J9 Z3 ~$ _& Q% F* bThe deep attached to you in a twinkling1 K3 C7 D5 b& j/ q
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life." P2 t: E; o8 @# a/ M5 U4 l: D
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,  e' x; e9 U9 w9 R( v
but accompanying with the time passed
# G9 V; t0 C& M: N, T% JI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
0 `- s: q7 B1 b' C# Galways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.$ }1 a- w/ o6 |- ^" E
Without asking if you like me or if I like you4 p! m0 i% {9 @- K4 J
only feel gracious for your existing,! _% `' o9 E6 t4 X
onlt want to do something for you.
. k4 o( j3 b" k0 P8 T! ~Every time when you meet me
  \3 J' C' ]/ s1 o+ V. q% pthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil," Q5 x8 z: C0 z; w- }- o- S9 i
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere6 K& K: X0 F+ m" ~, Q
That live in my heart.4 l, \' D1 ~* d& W+ T5 e$ x1 z
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?) z, P  J- B" n# R) `) o4 q6 n4 ]
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
2 Y2 J6 b: T  n* ?* xmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
- I6 u9 c. I% w3 e1 _. T$ w; rThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
' R* J) Y, B  ~suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.$ a) ^2 A" W) @' L
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,( [" h" z4 r; J; ^/ {8 x. @
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
7 m, D' y) j: m5 xSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
6 R# b. J5 x1 v5 Ionly waiting for you quietly2 m% @! G# z+ S+ R1 B
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.+ ^! o; J% T7 s& C6 L' X! ?
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you % _! ?9 W- h' N
and enjoy the rain washing together
/ u  y  Q$ o1 A. m4 @. S/ eor rush to a film- Q& }- |- Q8 k# n1 Q8 _. K9 u7 P
or listen to a music quietly.  k; m; q* ~! ?4 I3 v! s/ d
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
, @) g+ X2 N+ ~0 Y: F: gIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,  r/ P  C" F, y+ W7 M' \3 q
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".4 W3 W6 y' E  R; ?2 `0 k# q
That is enough.9 U/ d' X4 E! [6 J( l* o
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
+ o4 O. C& g5 H' R% g0 ffinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
9 c! J" `& [. E, i4 m2 othe same as my missing." l. s  f# b' [- E  i/ e. `; `
It comes a little bit of verdure.7 U; B, P2 a# s/ a) a' e5 H
If, If some day I can touch your hand, # {& t9 z( [; X  n  S( U
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.( M% n& E+ n1 k: f5 {2 ^/ B! h& U4 {/ l
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
: e& ~. a* ~* _; ^& sI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
" ?5 ]1 f) W3 N1 zAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,' N) T' ]/ F. h  @0 ]
then I will have all care and ardor.# E% J1 \  v4 J3 j3 h. w) }9 t
Shall we walk arm in arm?$ o" F) l3 g- y* c2 L( N
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.1 S5 k$ Y# b; k  b) q. Z
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' _: O; C9 s: N3 ?7 y* @5 h8 L
I am still the same person of yesterday.
/ ~6 ], O" J/ U+ ?Unchanged name, unchanged I.
! H$ a, K5 z4 o/ l( |4 cSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
3 Z$ m8 ]1 h7 g& a0 Q) q7 t+ gLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
6 f; \* d3 U! b" j/ rMore or less,+ n" S7 V3 I9 c# ^0 P
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
! H  v( L# }7 h, h
1 d5 W5 i9 ]! K6 ]8 j+ o) cSummer easily slips away
( _  J: w5 J7 D5 JThose long lost hot nights7 b7 e# k! n" ^* O; O0 m
can only be found in the old days.
4 k: f  @$ J/ R  U' {8 a' t7 ~: \+ S) K) N% r, J
Cats jumping over the window sills, 9 k8 a) v9 t5 m2 n0 U( \' f
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ! q) Z& l5 J3 M
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
8 N+ q, r$ J- `Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 U) z8 I0 N5 u$ @7 z" y8 W+ Z% K
I am still the same person of yesterday.1 v# ?  {6 C( n; ?2 d* o; q0 I
Unchanged name, unchange ...

% i) z8 `/ R5 t  M; A& V4 C" |8 J9 m
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 % Y% ^; v+ g! c
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% O7 e5 x+ S* w* w/ g' l
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.( z5 N+ j- t* C/ v( ^/ ?3 v
I am still the same person of yesterday.
- }. u3 o, u  O% v# q0 BUnchanged name, unchange ...

$ L6 g/ e( v1 j8 F$ P- Li like it.
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