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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,2 s5 w" g3 o5 s9 \' g* m/ H9 S
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  - j$ W3 z3 k( \
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
" f0 u7 a3 E* o1 c' p$ h' S# e) d现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
6 f& t; e9 e. V. |梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
3 P$ D% L& M7 v0 o7 y$ P眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
7 |$ t0 o. a) m( S4 d夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.9 ^% K8 H' G6 f6 S- n+ G1 ]3 o
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
- F/ f* z* m1 q2 Y2 G就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
1 u1 n1 h: o' ?0 l* c我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
  G- `' U! {, `3 R8 M3 P那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
/ r4 A  U$ e' h2 Y世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
5 A7 M+ v6 K, }( s2 {" P昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.+ A- x' V+ [. S% k( \1 d# J
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.( E% O3 @- u2 a" H  q' j
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ; U% J; Y  F  u& X7 M
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?" v1 d3 r% O0 G- B5 ]  `* I% C7 m
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
% n' E5 ^0 ~" H迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.! z1 C% ?- B, _: h; W! R- i: t
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
/ J# _) s7 x- ?1 @, a  v多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?7 p# J; X$ p! P' z* `/ K' d
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
3 ]( |/ l# U9 A多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously! l5 u, Z1 x+ T9 T* _8 ~
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.9 F; Z% h$ i$ E
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 1 D& P! C% K6 [5 @/ x+ G
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
& W; t) \7 C' s: R& X多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
6 c: v- r) h$ c+ w永难平息的泪
6 h1 |3 @6 S: \* g- Y3 O4 D; k每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
- S- s2 Q3 d7 V9 H~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.. A/ e* q2 L9 `) n; Y
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
& l# s7 F5 k# A3 @, k让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,1 [8 |4 I/ _3 h, }' a
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 1 E# w: l, ~; y8 T& E2 `
一抹微笑;
, a: g; \" \5 y$ A3 [0 e一个手势;2 n  |% P  X) C! }- ?: k$ Y4 q
一片话语,
+ A) G* C) K! U8 D愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
  J3 J3 q/ b2 p; g明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner, H! y8 L  [5 z: ?' s6 j, t
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
0 ]+ |% K& n# C, g# [0 g% V* V/ U6 K这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling2 m3 ?8 d; a7 J! i- j8 Y
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..3 P" \+ l+ e0 P5 @7 F& K* e
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
" G3 T1 A; P4 B* l4 n0 }我并不以为然。
/ i# n3 j" q0 ?可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed + v& ]' o& B  G9 P; ^  q
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .6 u0 ?# G8 b! |5 k
被一种情绪所左右,/ ]2 v2 i& h5 ^) D4 y6 Y
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .4 C& j: Z- I4 U5 T% S. u% y2 Z
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
  J$ K) c) k* ?4 T; I也不问我是否喜欢你,' q, s5 |$ ^; w& m; A
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
# S" W  R) m" g$ @. ~2 }6 E# H/ ~2 B6 T0 O只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
5 v2 u$ i! C5 o# O3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you' K) e/ v' C* g1 o1 m- t3 w
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
& u& ?2 a  D9 W# F然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ' E  M/ c3 a' Q8 q8 a( T
你的身影已化成一种氛围,) t/ i# x" {' C8 w
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
- h" _; C8 t% g  m/ u你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
+ X) S, U3 h: z9 d$ A) s随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字! c6 P! k% Q7 l. a" Q5 g
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,6 a3 F1 i) z8 m2 G1 ^0 H
一种声音,and your voice/ y% ]- l! s2 z- G3 K
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
: B5 Q" R7 Z+ X( r& `: Z& r/ n8 Y- c掺杂著幸福的感觉。
5 _4 z+ @% T& p/ z与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land: o1 N5 x* a9 x, `& G2 F
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,% L' u- f. d$ k) n) U( L- `
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.! E/ F0 e; [5 b/ p( z0 |3 R7 N) Z
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。" s+ `; w& B; a5 }5 c4 q# A$ K
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss/ E( y% m4 u2 g: Q
有一个能够让思念的人,
9 m/ k' n& m/ y7 E其实也是一种幸福。
! b! F1 g9 d$ D9 b5 G3 H; c6 C' ?尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. % Y; Z/ d8 q. j/ W9 t1 ?% A: k
柔柔的海风,. O+ M0 e2 {# a( e7 v  R
甜甜的夏天。
7 b# r2 x+ ^8 T# @. X3 _一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
1 y0 _& `  p6 n. I& A只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
2 F  `. b' I/ s仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
. M; }+ k# F5 M& J' W- m+ A想和你有共同的情结,9 E) W0 W7 Q) S( w( y" w
共同的心愿。
2 J# x4 y: f  P: e
) j3 f. _# c6 r
, J( I4 Z9 w& [1 l3 @' w好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
4 h: x9 g3 h7 k) Q' y9 Y+ e" \一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
' w" \1 ]0 j6 ]' T或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
4 i* k- L) ]2 o9 T& W3 M0 k9 v% v4 N2 {或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
4 V) ]( O) C/ R; T3 p: l『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?4 x" T3 r2 J5 m! M/ U0 W+ E
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 2 {; K" [7 u- o" [2 T( s8 e. D* i
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”0 p% y. y- ~! T# g) x+ [
或是轻轻的一吻,
7 V5 q; y& q: s, j* _再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
7 }! `! N% Q; M4 `( ^就足够了. That is enough.
2 I# \2 t( o6 _8 d6 I4 k) s; t这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ! Y0 }, o; x0 o' q: B) C; Y2 J' G
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
  h/ p3 X" g, S' k/ q0 e萌出了芽,
3 c& z8 U  Z5 Z1 F% R1 c一如对你的思念,the same as my missing' C% y9 A1 P+ k% M& y8 S
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
; }3 I, N5 G4 o; h) a3 S% m如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
7 K# v, `4 q4 u9 m能够牵著你的手,
: H3 \( Z' o/ b" I4 U那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.) R0 t6 C! T  y
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.   C: r9 H7 W7 h) o1 p# H
慢慢地细读,
: X6 Q4 N- @& z我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
  }* m. m& ]* H. g4 W在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
8 [/ J5 \" o" X4 S% w( @" w( y我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
4 m5 P- _' E0 b  ?8 ^  e& P就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
; L* W5 f$ W2 I/ N现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
1 u7 |9 G  A4 f. n: s& j8 |眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
% j8 c! P9 k! Dchange to:lacked
* Q. }# A+ |5 q" o4 s% j猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
7 g' f9 Q  X0 n0 A1 v9 D1 cCats often played at the whole hot night.
! ?8 P6 k/ {9 C8 y5 G3 ]7 |6 \. n 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及: @/ L6 ^: @. V: A6 Z- }$ [. c
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.* Z2 D' o% G9 I: i; B. T5 }
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
& v, Q+ ~$ f9 e+ N4 y1 ~, `% k该为:throughyour hands.
, p1 ?4 S+ j6 w+ M还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
0 f; y+ R; f+ R% v, d不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。+ u9 M/ \: H! j5 E' Z7 E. ^
至少比我强。
# m# g# Q9 M9 t6 j6 C; F3 ^* _偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 4 B  ]0 I* N. P/ `0 c& R7 z

. F! x4 M/ J& E* f; n2 J" M这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。+ c8 z4 Z, Z  [' U+ Z4 k  l  T
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
. j2 _& l. S1 ~% G. S! D! x谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
) k. f+ U) w' D  h$ f! a3 z前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:# H0 z* ~1 K( Y/ U" E3 V! u
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
% r8 j( s5 S% \$ _Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
4 Q+ }/ {. p. Y# C- I Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
* e' l+ G: L) c; {The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
) j+ q$ s- d" y7 G6 i; D" S+ pSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
2 h7 M% d0 U" \% o% YSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
1 J  X% j6 K( ]Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
+ v* {" J; E7 t8 Q9 mlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.5 K% q/ \4 O4 ~$ ]7 t$ j
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.6 w' e+ O+ S: T& t' Y
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.5 Y0 R8 h3 q. K' O; U3 Y! h- o
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.$ F: @0 q# ~, ~6 S% \
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
+ ?3 k1 s" m( ]1 C/ Y8 ]I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
5 s4 l" M( E* W; ?; [9 MIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
$ c6 A. o3 K, y3 A- P- ^Intoxicated then feel cold,
8 C& z$ f9 `8 L7 `3 B0 W% Tthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
' Q$ G- U; `! \6 D) y! |I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
: }2 f5 S  a! `7 F7 @The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
$ j8 |* A+ ^+ A  i  QWhy I am always hoodwinked!
; J8 ]% z8 c3 i5 h7 z$ CI have told myself many times cautiously 0 W0 ]9 H1 b- h' _8 ?" W* [! g
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
- E4 e# F! S0 sThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
/ @2 S& d6 a7 ~* v/ FWhy can`t I take it easy?# @# p( c7 o: J0 J
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!; V) y" Z; s; M5 C6 A
When the quiet night comes
* K5 T" q. f1 F3 g8 K- ^" p( Lyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.! Q, j. p" R8 g5 Q' [7 g
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
7 N8 u7 m. U6 F8 N& X  GYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,: j9 [( P; t2 f: C, j& f
light the dark corner in my mind.
; f) A7 T# D0 z- u- I1 O( \  @I feel a bit of cozy.6 p6 A' M% U, E- r6 m; u; d1 L
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
- ~1 s" R* ?, C0 q# M  Bmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.% M! k) ^( Z4 n- w8 x3 g& h. V' L% I* ?
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
# ], ~4 @! k2 B% Q! c9 H4 bbut accompanying with the time passed
( g0 E( X5 T1 T7 b9 \! iI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
+ G5 D; |3 l1 A3 v6 Nalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.- h. g/ z# _, l
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
. u! Y; Y0 n. C+ s) `' Vonly feel gracious for your existing,
' ~/ U, u) s1 b3 m% Y' k/ conlt want to do something for you.
) \1 @: x7 Q) z/ u  @7 \: u- X" \Every time when you meet me
  _7 \" B( \  P; c' @$ K/ ~" jthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,  T: B4 f7 D; M: B8 B) k
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere9 k9 t5 T8 h+ L# k+ ~" n! A' m
That live in my heart.
# M5 \# r7 e1 lDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
) m" N8 @5 A! O( f( ?Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice: I5 t2 t' z" P4 {+ b' a3 X
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.7 _9 z2 s! }, p: J0 A! d
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
+ L( K! N! L, O! t$ r9 J/ g" ksuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.9 l/ }; V5 Q6 B& y9 D
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,! M2 P) o8 N& S
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.; {' v* N& ~) n: b
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 9 g; _0 l+ E6 t+ o& `6 d+ X
only waiting for you quietly. X3 ^5 _9 ?# C$ ^) [
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.  z3 U$ k! z' Q1 ]% g
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
* c) P" U+ g1 c7 y' g) kand enjoy the rain washing together
, e9 Z# }6 Q3 [# |  H; ]+ P( ?% hor rush to a film
* q* I/ s% j" V. |4 I  for listen to a music quietly./ g) q$ S. O% w6 v- y
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?! o, E% c8 x2 l- |
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,% ?; `9 A+ x1 O
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".1 c3 q% \2 Z# b! s+ Z9 T2 a
That is enough.% C" [' Z( k; V; A& }& a
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
; I; ^; C0 I! h8 Kfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,9 `' P" l. ~# x. y+ R3 M; u. P9 I
the same as my missing.
. _& [8 l$ W$ yIt comes a little bit of verdure.
; v+ R' h1 z! r9 y" Y6 x9 W% _: IIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
+ \, `9 x: A  ?8 d% J7 j/ ythen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
! y1 W+ B% i5 ^  M0 dLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
( |5 R5 a% l, e# U6 D6 w8 ^I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.! U( H- s8 h8 ^. X/ [# t5 B
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
1 D- N9 x2 u& x% othen I will have all care and ardor.
' A/ y: A# B0 A- X7 a9 @Shall we walk arm in arm?  o2 I) {7 S) S8 G1 K9 P( Q
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.' v7 K  L! O7 n
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
0 F$ d  z  `* q. bI am still the same person of yesterday.7 `& ^. F7 k" ^$ s9 C+ P
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
8 ?* Z. ^7 l+ ?Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 0 b4 e8 ^3 u/ ?
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
$ L( I7 o1 l5 M! wMore or less,' K! Y- u" E& L6 u$ d
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
/ t& d% t5 g; b4 Z* I; D, W7 y* x$ D8 z$ {2 F3 `
Summer easily slips away
% @2 C* n& q+ F- S! `Those long lost hot nights
* x0 c- g+ t, v can only be found in the old days. ! {9 c" S' N3 ]+ u) X3 w

, R+ |4 D2 F- y: o+ w) f6 vCats jumping over the window sills, 6 |2 c1 J& A  N& D1 F/ e% X" D# X
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
6 M  q6 E; _5 W. m0 g) W" H; \Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.# O. h  Q4 N0 ?# u. @
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. w! M# H* l6 u4 _9 D, a7 v/ kI am still the same person of yesterday.6 m% r) f  p$ O* h, G! r
Unchanged name, unchange ...
' P4 |2 A8 p3 L/ t9 S
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 & B8 P1 F& [( Z: B, V' H- x
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* M* g. i% n- ~2 E0 Q. P6 dLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.0 W9 _9 M. L$ N% V' E/ c. r4 H3 C
I am still the same person of yesterday.' V( H8 T. I6 ?' p4 w" Y
Unchanged name, unchange ...

9 U2 r. }6 B3 N' h5 {i like it.
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