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 New Stock Market Terms:3 g. {# T% |: x' u" q; p
( b# K3 w j$ @' U" d7 P iCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. # r e1 N3 f; ?8 F- u
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
. I, y1 ~* {! S+ ?. aBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. , p1 a2 T3 u! p4 h4 s
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. + H. c: n {# Q! M! Z% J
+ P3 A! Z2 B M- L& ~1 Y+ k' [5 bP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. 8 S5 |5 O$ i6 \& _: y
! ~3 v: X# s/ D3 |2 c! s8 KBROKER -- What my broker has made me. & W5 d" ~& n- c$ `6 T# {! z
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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% F$ _2 B# b) ]; bSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. - F+ k+ C/ ~' y
' A6 v' B4 G5 h+ f0 nFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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, z1 `# i6 I' k# p" NMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 4 e) j, ?5 k% { E2 [9 f1 r
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.3 s; d: g* }. S2 c3 P
% s7 x+ F3 H( i' ~. I- K% DINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. ) O# U6 x" P! s! Y8 e& y
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.. M2 [. q, @# Y' M% r: P
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. W7 Q/ M$ T6 M( s) X; }5 IIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
0 Y2 h- P% v* H# FWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
$ x# Q* q9 m! \& V$ tWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
0 R' z8 o- o: h: v# b0 [" FBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
- M( }0 i# V" O: fBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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2 v, B2 H" H- x1 XWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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& y# d* C: {1 B% q" v A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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% O: [- G5 j: {/ WPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common...
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& ?6 Y9 u1 ]. u. n6 { ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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