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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
- n4 g+ c) m* v' b. k6 UCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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, W V( Q9 z X) } ~8 d2 rBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. ( \% J1 ?. {& ]: S. y5 e
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. : B# C$ R0 V- N0 `6 ^2 |; w& w& c
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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8 o- u+ _- r7 I6 nP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. # H7 W1 A# j6 o8 {/ v' @
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 7 T8 k8 ~. C `
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.! e- u9 G4 e7 ~# x
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. ( U; J, U, }1 w5 v7 [ B
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. & A( |- O! i q
9 x8 { _6 I2 }& ~( f \6 w5 rMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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' J: g! b, X, a& V8 ^- F! n+ [CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 2 y5 b7 B' g; X+ s
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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6 r- q, g1 |' l# {, c, s1 z/ m2 J; AWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.9 k% u" W' F( O, T6 ?' a% v& j
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. 6 ?' N, |7 g8 m( N$ l0 h
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.' b3 l' U. u& w3 Q1 w. g3 W% H9 l
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, P& \3 [% e4 ~ D! VIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
/ |9 o9 D6 `* j) @With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
$ i2 t" \& X0 Y! Z1 m+ qWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.7 S: Q) G/ ^4 ~+ O8 R1 m
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
. a5 {1 p+ |. C0 l- N9 w" uBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.( y6 }, v+ s3 T* ^. b) n- g
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. L H# `% b, P) w' L4 rPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common...
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# J) C. k6 _% U ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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