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 New Stock Market Terms:" A* x$ h9 s+ ]; I6 L, {' {. W% \
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
6 o8 r" f3 p; u- TCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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% u( ] P) v; _* h/ |- {BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
! B5 j( q9 d3 K# M8 G8 CBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. % D! \( d- }4 z6 W
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. 6 F" s3 B4 O0 s! l9 p( }
& }6 c0 y9 ]9 }2 \1 m6 W+ QP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. $ C: i) n& k# V7 Z& @; H9 q5 q
7 g y1 w7 c. P" O4 H# _' kBROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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6 P8 J/ k* d3 r+ b6 Y/ eSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 3 L9 i1 f2 ?( \* ^9 A3 I
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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8 L; q) E, a5 v6 ISTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. 0 b5 i d( E h: ~- E) l' U
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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+ k0 e! D' _$ d9 g. [) ?MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. & z& ~% A7 C" J
' j' P$ |; B% x, d! BCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. B. E4 [0 U3 I# E3 u( O
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. " z6 `& I" L- F, @/ s8 P4 _
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share." G2 d$ d6 ]3 Z
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. " [. c2 R3 a K. y
5 l' A! S; ]4 ^PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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: U2 E3 t0 Z" z ^" Z) |% r! sIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
6 g0 E% b- x5 d" `0 M$ i/ X! bWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
& H0 y; Y6 o8 l) y1 k% p! F$ G SWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
% K( A2 I% K% Z9 dBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
! B8 R, |% ]: b; `Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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* h+ K# Y. Z2 j( jWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.8 B$ A2 R; n: f+ T8 n
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; e7 }6 ^, m' w6 \& EPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... ; g y: K0 t7 A. L. T
9 ~8 L% a; Z% M/ B; X ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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