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 New Stock Market Terms:
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/ N/ q' g; T K1 ~2 r' rCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
: l; v* }) {0 x/ n ` cCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. ! G& {# z+ N) M& P- r
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
& b! H# n X; I. R7 w- nBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. / m$ ~8 n! e+ {4 v$ l
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. * j; W( x% D; M
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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0 [5 A1 j- V. Q' v! KSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. , P# y6 C+ q2 X9 E" j
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.3 o+ z9 f" H0 D) }( q, P6 d$ G
' P% h" w, I3 u4 `- U+ uSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. $ Z7 M7 w- C( a/ q0 @( G1 B: e
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. + C4 @% w: I( r6 C) I5 g* p7 v
% \& ?0 v& W+ o$ ^$ FMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. , ?' x3 C7 u1 j2 D2 }
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 2 n: n% l. {; |
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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5 m( `: @# H6 y% h+ @INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. 6 J1 W) ] r/ s% A
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.4 {* y% b# p* ~8 a2 _
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.& i' `8 E8 g% y g; c2 s' [6 U# y
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.- U; w# ]& ^ F% k
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left., T3 H+ W) u6 ~" b/ m" r
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. % s& x3 S; W Z) A
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.. U5 s' U+ u. }$ |7 I' b
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? ! n' m6 b% Y4 [- E. M( z+ m
5 r, N/ J! |( X/ B, z) m( k' x; H A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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) x3 E: }/ R1 e1 H+ D R9 f4 ~Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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( o, f& C2 I3 s ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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