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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. 9 o( Y* Q" K& h" {/ q" s+ m ?1 g
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 8 p* t2 T/ S9 D) q6 h( W
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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6 _0 c+ P3 D* y2 RVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. # M! u- r0 o$ ]+ _& B
5 C# ]$ X1 X3 a$ @P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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8 n9 @& K, b) C/ e+ KBROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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# p2 S# S& Q Y) d: {5 f v$ M. {STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. i, `6 ?* B( E
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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/ D0 _0 |* A2 l3 {STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. 3 Q5 g) w; L8 g- x! r/ D G; b
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. ( B+ d9 _. D1 ]5 p+ L" q# m8 k
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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! }2 r8 Q: D2 {2 SINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. 1 ~ P. e" w/ f6 T1 x- T7 V
J% V0 e$ E; A0 L/ M nPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.( f2 \7 e2 k6 C) `$ G
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
5 Z+ H3 b4 z2 q- }: LWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
1 q4 g9 |5 e; V7 V* a# m. uWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.2 P# ]+ t, t* f$ B$ [% h1 f- \- o3 e7 r
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
% o& }( V( H. F/ Z/ D" vBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? + m* y6 d2 Z+ P8 c& @9 c/ C
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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