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 New Stock Market Terms:
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8 y7 k h [! @+ a$ T' ?/ UCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
: k# g; ?+ i& ?CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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2 r& g b7 `2 k1 u0 e9 r, \; j$ KBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. " G+ o8 S1 q# W' a
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. % m1 a& w8 I2 Z
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. - w/ y2 c2 W1 |1 ~ \
8 N. S2 p; u9 w- W# y' gBROKER -- What my broker has made me. 3 {' J% s! }4 J2 `* X9 \
( O- I! `. J4 a1 P1 _STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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4 O" d+ s, y$ P) q1 L8 _, x. I% ^: G8 }STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.$ E0 ^. T1 @5 ?4 I2 A! P
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. ! Z( A1 ?; N/ J' k( s6 h
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. ' B# p1 ]4 N1 G2 ?1 C0 A0 {
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 4 w8 e, Z) i& l5 j* O
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. 3 @/ ` n0 c9 @7 r- D- G7 Z" k) m' ^
/ U9 P% z) ?2 sWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share." r5 E) \: y; W. N
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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/ h; B; S5 b6 I# O9 x/ i+ A0 sPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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& {) v3 a7 l& w T& c. m9 R4 j# JIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
2 A% b9 E# g# S lWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.: I% ^" _* i0 T. q+ B! K0 v
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.: |. Z1 T% O& I: q1 Z
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
# D% r I0 I+ a3 v& w; wBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.* ^4 W0 f! J. _7 P# Q0 e& X) W
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8 M. D$ W2 y1 ~0 ~0 Q5 nWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? 2 D7 v- A( U4 V
3 a5 Y5 n4 |1 S* ^ A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... ; `0 K8 x M- t0 [; \
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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