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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
: W# ^6 T5 ^' M0 b8 n' ]* wCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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: q: i3 z! H3 K& r" | vBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 8 K9 x" g m4 l2 x& k4 k# c; z9 O
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. T& v) y- F' f$ r2 D: L
% Q9 R3 ^! K* R3 Z$ T. iVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. 3 G, k7 `9 i# i4 `5 D% z8 N6 W! S
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. ) H& F& t2 Q3 b: _/ c4 h
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. : b" j5 i8 Q& s; J- _* N% p
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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1 a3 D2 _: V) h6 e" FCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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2 ?; j. Y$ A; HYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. % U( }9 ~! ^6 T
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.; f/ x/ X# I: c9 h* f. g/ s, H
/ J* D( Q* V' s$ [3 T: f2 u/ qINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. : Z/ _. \: c( z% u! n% Q
0 v1 D& M5 }! i; [PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.0 A I0 O: p' {" k5 c* x
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
: R, r/ M& {. n3 l( a' ?With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.' i( C& W( v' I- X
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.3 f5 u2 p% H8 D! [" V4 ^7 t
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. # N# H& s5 S4 n
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.8 z4 [7 R& J$ q& U; c+ Q
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0 t5 i( Y- l4 ~" A q8 C( ~What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? 0 J- Q$ w- D6 }2 U& h; e' z
, a: ? H- y# \1 P2 P8 i8 }! ^ A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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! e$ U7 z- e- M$ ~4 ?8 aPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... & f. I6 s5 Q( k/ n% A2 i$ `
. l k. u/ ^. Y3 Y0 U: k! |/ c7 U ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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