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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. , S+ u4 I/ M/ D; Z0 ?5 p! u
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
F' L! {- p3 s) V% W6 x% e+ J' y; Y: vBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. ) {+ B. I: T4 F0 r7 W
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. ( q) P$ J# X7 y3 f- i
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. - U. D, o3 J' V. X3 e8 o2 g
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 2 O2 o& x4 }0 o; V7 k$ @* K5 w$ k4 A
' a( G& I' b d! c# }* l/ x' oSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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; J: p0 ~) t) A! USTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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- \) |3 M3 K8 q" i0 h/ @# jFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. x1 I3 h3 }0 m3 l
$ [3 O- S2 J6 u. e0 S2 F7 jYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. 8 e) }$ S, j6 ` r
3 a) {) m" _$ |9 O& B6 qWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.1 O3 T2 ?0 D9 \) Y b3 y
. [- B7 t8 }9 G: @4 F6 aINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.: ^0 r3 @$ U+ q
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
* g: `% o# n' U% VWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000." S' E% T5 Z2 c9 O: Y2 \
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
! Z/ P: I" r- t; x; P1 }9 ]8 bBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. 7 Z7 g% e4 ^0 o9 e$ e% c) c/ P
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? 6 s" I2 e3 _* ?$ I' y, @$ y
6 D, C3 K/ x9 e5 M A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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; `5 T: [: H8 R3 I/ \( bPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... 1 R0 O' C0 Z# Q
, {+ b( y) x& j3 o2 F- Z ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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