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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
: X4 }7 e' d2 L4 ^2 |CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. , b/ F$ @; R6 V9 y% w* R, N! `3 F5 M, D
# }2 ?6 \( ~% J) @; ABULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. , M3 \6 S u; `% f2 O S
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. + |7 i: C6 k8 d1 K" H
% S0 x( f6 a5 i; m2 h( K6 L. J' FVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. ' t' }; E" Q- L4 J8 u) n! d3 T5 [( @
8 o, j/ i0 |' ^- {P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. ' ]! a$ W8 T( R1 `$ V, H1 D, s
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. 3 O+ q! K8 T& c+ x( f6 L
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. # x6 @3 M) ]. `0 h% a
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.! |. O. U5 E F7 {3 a2 I7 `
4 q; I/ {. g: w3 f y) T( U- B, x; Z3 zSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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0 {0 N% q) M" F4 g+ b+ Q) Z3 m; ^1 {! ~FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. _6 P9 `6 J" Z) |
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. $ \% r9 R* X/ Z2 f+ \
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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, _7 e3 z4 S# v. m' O. ?YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. 5 S. u* Y8 J* l5 q
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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) ]" _* Q |0 f. r8 A- {9 ?7 ?PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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+ O/ I, r; K* R' D* R' Z( DIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.3 v z' B( u& l- g2 k( R
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
4 j5 ^2 G: l# O; N1 D& AWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.5 q& G2 X* c; \& V% K& S
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
3 X- X8 a, l+ w# m. FBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.! b& n+ T# L2 U& f$ j9 I
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? 0 b, h7 u7 J3 y, z) F) z0 o
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.% e: t, u$ M+ U5 E7 _( ~+ P$ U9 h8 O
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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7 b0 ~5 h. I7 ~: X ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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