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 New Stock Market Terms:" T4 F& R: @) j' l( y" m& r
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. : k+ x6 A, ?( V4 v, [/ j4 _ t5 |% D. B
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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5 h0 r$ Z' `7 W6 XBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
* e5 _" C. c7 M* \6 `) N% SBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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! [$ x. C/ _: ^! r/ z' i- zP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. 2 U" T! E+ m' r( n) ]
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. 0 O8 p! V: n( N0 Z
" ?5 O( _$ G3 [STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. : J* b! a* U# X0 y' ?
$ H4 g5 n7 a2 Y! i# |" vSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock." `4 ~" c, ]9 {$ c' v$ {
7 X% k' R5 `) d" Q" sSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. & s r4 @8 @; p8 v0 `, Y& p
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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! r' c) ?; D- t8 S! k1 xMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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1 V3 D2 k2 N3 c* sCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. & ?; G5 s& p9 o9 B$ M S
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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! K9 D, _/ ?" z' YWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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8 t5 i* I9 d$ t9 r0 k, c9 nPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.+ k' p8 z. d% g! U* P% N: \
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& `$ M/ \, r+ RIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
) D" H5 w+ L4 T' Q0 w! ^With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000., H' Y: W" E0 B! {/ Y( k
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
7 _, `4 K) i d+ ]; q# mBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
0 r% s- A' v' P! [2 nBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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' _" e X3 _( ]5 I+ BPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... 8 n3 j4 e% x& Q/ t; P" y
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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