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 New Stock Market Terms:8 |. F! H4 ?1 j' G3 r
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
8 F% D3 z/ e2 f: TCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. " r6 c/ U5 M' |
% s `! Y9 V" F0 F9 lBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 3 e; y" O/ o* z" ~/ b+ v4 k
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. 7 g* a! o6 y1 K4 X% Q8 m" k1 z
/ T! D* h7 @, s2 t0 B. w. _$ z9 qVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. # M9 J+ V3 V* K. H$ T
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. ' {- V& G( L2 C* B. a
; y+ H4 Z2 l" h- P4 j- \; kBROKER -- What my broker has made me. + J* ?1 D( a+ l4 c9 {
6 }, O" G) A& y1 p. ?, d$ HSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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' A$ _: M. {: T" I" O0 M/ kSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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0 ~- Q- l- q& ^/ A2 tFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. " F f- O% l2 a; d" {' P& }3 |) {
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. ' H) t! _ g3 G1 ? P
9 [( R! ]% B6 j$ s4 f8 b! I7 h9 fCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. ! G' h! G i7 m- p5 J" W4 M
/ p' r( o8 ?; y0 e8 n1 KYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. |1 P" ^& y2 T u1 t
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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2 |3 N- T6 ? i* T+ CPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.8 f3 B# s5 i2 i
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
3 T3 O8 x: n' q0 ? f% k) }' l5 xWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.% T6 ] M1 r. o& v+ R* s2 A
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.+ S( f- a1 N1 ?- j1 f
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
* O. \' e4 v& r& Z4 {& QBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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9 w- k& a( s0 @7 A, i$ MWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? - R- M0 @8 E9 B5 R; S
* z" o( J$ H" G+ k9 t A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... 9 G# r* h& A2 h
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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