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 New Stock Market Terms:
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M6 b# z7 f- x, v- gCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
' [1 V' Z. m l: UCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. ; f+ e5 R3 p( y% w: h% \. G
+ j, \- d% i" ^! c( x( fBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
9 I% U9 p& N: I! W* SBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. 1 K$ N- f- o A! K* J5 [: F
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. # L0 h. p( I3 Y
) R0 c7 _/ \* P2 ?4 mP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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, b% l# W& I; N- i& n0 ?STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. 3 |; @( r% G& O" J; P, O
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 0 \$ t9 I7 x! M e6 `2 ~7 N
3 J* ] i5 o9 o7 u$ f! b5 XMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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. {. q/ Q* R5 F: D, d* }3 XCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. + y: V; ?. b, |/ ? t6 \2 x
8 R% A. r* K! U" z$ y# \* X* Z: iYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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9 X: A+ y) q# a) `. Y8 S! s( DWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.! K6 ^" m; S2 B! V" W
1 s4 m7 c: ?9 ?% ~% I, I+ YINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.; _- [/ K$ D! O! q
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
5 T9 ]2 Q9 P, i+ d$ [With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.' m' ~# W! z2 U6 H H
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.% r$ S1 ~/ e' p+ K1 e$ v+ U8 g, `+ p
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. 6 X) J& @4 J+ s
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? , Y- R' r, ?# r, ]: I* }+ ^* N
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.* z* }/ L2 ^0 Y9 c" H; w$ E
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... ' A ?" G+ L6 {6 n
$ e, ^& b' ~: b! O9 [ ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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