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 New Stock Market Terms:
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! p- V3 V3 B0 v" yCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. . x( k' I. A6 u& T' r
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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7 X4 R; b: l/ t0 B/ cBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 2 E! R5 Z& _9 n0 w" x- {
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. ( T/ A( C7 Y0 J/ s. ^
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 4 p/ b" {# T/ S' a
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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4 J# L- F" c( WSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. . ^1 Q7 {$ m: v$ {7 y2 E# u- C
$ X; L) q* e6 u! h6 I) B/ fFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 1 P) V, p' ~; v
$ g. `0 m9 H) x% y* `& T' X# q' K; ZMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. - N) E5 c1 G1 v8 v; T0 [4 a2 u
2 e3 T* {0 Y7 ?. v: ?CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 4 C0 s N$ e( _; F6 z* p
1 I+ r6 M% R1 }8 {) f* u3 e$ d& SYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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4 y5 r( F* A; f' `6 z3 QWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.: h* k2 p( W/ Z
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. . ]* ?) G+ e( n$ h* w7 D5 C
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
& g/ n7 L/ ^6 ` XWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.1 p" f2 A+ ? v( _8 t) J
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
6 m: K( T! ]3 \1 cBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. 0 C3 g- b0 C& _8 g3 ^1 g
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.. C0 [: y, u( q$ t4 u9 \* _; l
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? `/ N6 d5 e" F
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... 3 X+ |- y X; W! a! Y
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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