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 New Stock Market Terms:8 ?# a" W4 F6 E5 x
2 O0 P9 U$ u0 bCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. ; P3 R7 w- G5 P4 W4 X
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. , [0 o1 m3 o L2 l$ s1 M4 r
3 V& S& C& D$ X* Z1 ^/ U7 nBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
% i' d( E! l' v% H) FBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. J! _' W6 v! B! S+ L
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. 0 I# l4 O7 E8 h
$ a% E1 N7 \6 i/ ~7 m6 _% `STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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) Q/ f1 W9 H+ e( h+ X5 ~STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 2 J+ W' Y x/ v" P, O1 {
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. ' s2 Y' d3 f5 p* D* Q
$ o- z3 h, a4 o/ y& r2 s r0 uYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. ! o4 o& Y7 |& S1 `
4 V" u& P2 D- d4 ?" y0 s; |WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.9 y" b* s& d! E
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. ! O* K+ Q9 Q% _+ }7 ^$ N) W L" [
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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% \2 h; ^- i7 x# i7 S) _* }% YIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left./ Y* y0 L. A" r- ^
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
3 P/ y. O/ j" H b) U _' k# VWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
( k# E3 d p' WBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. , A8 @- ]/ x, |- v+ j' `3 Z' c
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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. d* b2 Q! \: HWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.# G( X ]3 i4 R% J7 V7 x) I
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... ) O$ [& V+ t# r# }6 Z5 B _9 z
+ X; L6 Q; i' @+ j# a1 V6 F ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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