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 New Stock Market Terms:
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7 Y) j4 `0 G$ D+ Y7 l& LCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. 0 ]1 B( _3 m6 l1 q9 R
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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- B9 ?; l: t, zBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
1 j, Y9 v) ^/ i9 \6 ^BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. 9 ]2 [. [% W) a% U
- t+ e, ?4 ^" {" kBROKER -- What my broker has made me. 4 k% {) A" C9 y) k# b' S
6 ]3 G) b" N4 U0 I A+ `7 VSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 0 V* o/ x* q3 s: H9 w% Z- X
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.+ l1 Q) @5 Y" Y& `# ]/ \; h! G
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. 1 D/ T- ~" G0 f5 r% L2 H
3 C, O# F$ } vFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. ) Z0 J, w) N1 N8 z" o
5 F& k: `4 O8 w1 _5 ?- SMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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8 F Z& B6 Y1 O* b$ y/ cCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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- j+ _, n4 h2 T( |3 L: D: gYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. : g% }/ t; _8 R8 @5 L
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.! h* C- r4 j" W7 H2 o# l2 v
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* ]( B4 @ \5 q; m& G) oIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
! c* y0 y0 Z: nWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
+ ?6 w* v0 a3 A0 UWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
6 J0 I' J( a. z% x% xBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. * O2 y3 N5 a9 y. o4 d& w; P1 L G4 C
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? % Z; \0 c5 F* t& a4 k5 O% t* g5 k
: E; E2 @" C" J& C A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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! _ r% s- ~1 b1 J* HPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common...
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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