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 New Stock Market Terms:+ q9 L+ f2 `* a
* D) {, d: Y" R+ ~3 E2 _CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. ; h3 A0 Y$ n/ N' k
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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* H! E1 b. {8 b6 N" k' Y- sBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
M) y- Q* R6 U9 ]BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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4 s0 X( H5 }+ r8 l) l# XP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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1 A" d1 P9 h, N- y" JBROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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( r2 G( J& h5 U: E- r2 x! }STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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- _0 s) ^+ s0 p1 r- O; Z& d( \STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.3 A8 k3 K3 a0 z, ?
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. : N3 B& h d/ G' j3 D
( r4 p7 a3 b3 Y; r0 T7 l7 {FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 5 V6 Y: d4 ]% X$ o0 X7 d1 c
g7 {5 a% O7 T8 T) {2 q8 K; gMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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% v* }; Q! b& jCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 9 P+ G+ K4 B. o7 r6 `( G* G U
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. / Y) @+ W9 m2 U% f8 f: O- P# L! ^ c
) J! T2 z5 O" I; H9 d' S% aWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. / j& ]8 A* }# A5 O/ w
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.* [/ P' X4 ] ?, F s0 d6 m
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
7 E2 f+ _0 A& s9 KWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.7 L' ?( z2 E, |; c
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.. X7 |1 @2 {. u- }) s
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
0 ]6 D- Y* J. Z( `% A3 r Z3 }) _Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.* T; _' H. ^! E; _$ a, l$ J F9 z
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_+ C9 X+ a- j9 ?: Q& C8 {' m6 ?What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? , I! ]+ x3 b- P& U: x( F
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.) Q9 Q1 U4 ]. i# i8 T5 z
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& {6 ?; O% R/ C- K, |' `Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... % a' |2 S5 L$ O& X- F
7 o2 ?! B: V) g# m: w2 j, s ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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