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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. 7 F- Y1 [# }4 B, S! P B
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. 2 [3 {# j5 V* H/ z
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. . f) k& x6 B3 o k" e. f
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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* A# g1 Y4 ?) C9 X5 A. C+ CVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. 3 h* `; {7 N( D7 {, d8 w. k8 g) `% }
# K! N A$ a y3 v- J0 pP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. - c5 k; V" [4 w# F/ B1 Q0 z
x' n* D- k# ?+ O# tSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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" c: X4 I& n5 N/ c* Y/ g- }( ]8 qSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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% u& C, e" [3 J0 Q+ ]# l8 L# SSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. 2 W/ A) }! X3 U1 F0 N
: Y {; e) w- v9 C) T3 B1 w! @FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. 8 f7 E9 l3 s( W" x+ a% T4 v
0 W* M+ N+ h! R0 ?1 N( sCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. ! {( _2 I. C: U7 l
9 I4 c: V" v6 O8 R( W9 R& f. qYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. 4 N9 Z0 N: ?) \4 h" T7 [" ?
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.- ]0 r0 M1 x$ p4 C% d
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. 1 z" Z7 P K2 T: R! s
; ^: x0 z1 @) V6 fPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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2 N2 Y, h, @1 [( b. u& S |' f( v. @If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
- s- }' C( Q/ O! F8 r8 ^+ sWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.5 [8 }* `# ?; P( x, C) k0 O3 U
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
* \& B: \7 q) p( yBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. ) F7 Q$ _7 Z) o3 [& P* L4 L) F
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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7 t& c) t4 g/ ]4 CWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? ( W( J7 I; L; |2 Q* o* v$ H
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.7 Z6 }/ ^. |: a u
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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2 m5 B9 i1 e2 H) z) e ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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