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 New Stock Market Terms:* b$ Z- z5 V* P) U
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
; {3 R& r2 p5 K/ h e$ I8 |CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. 1 `3 w2 m" y. P( x0 r- Z. z
$ E0 A$ b; `4 O" f( d& j+ O. K kBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. / Z! ?3 |2 u7 M4 ?) t% [$ N4 e4 w
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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+ p8 }9 O4 H7 ~+ A# o8 ^+ aP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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4 L- G0 L' P- l" z" g* s2 x: eBROKER -- What my broker has made me. ) H& z9 [" z ]/ \3 V. A
# g! _7 k+ i! g9 W" H* uSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. & F6 t0 |+ F, z R3 Q; J1 V
2 `& b5 e( h; J" jSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.+ v9 R1 ]; i* y @
' m' y' `: d, \) F, G% SSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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3 U7 M6 Y7 z) Z( a6 FFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 1 P& W5 ]4 `+ E' }2 ^' i* d/ a
- F6 L ~& D1 y0 T- K% ZMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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% [2 K1 b( Z* C4 ZCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. : A' l- C0 z: V" t9 w9 R
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.7 W' F' G% s4 U( G8 [
' O9 O; K% r" P8 L( |INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. " B: }% z7 ]: E3 k4 _0 b! f! X
+ D! M5 o# a. [# ?5 BPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use." o f2 G7 k' o) k3 h
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( m# f) f3 m5 [If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.* [5 A' S" `; Y h" C; m! J5 |
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
( s( _+ [+ I0 |With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
0 P3 u! p$ i# `+ Z! zBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. * y4 Q1 v3 m5 z0 ~" Y \
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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/ E0 P( n* E9 k7 A A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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