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 New Stock Market Terms:5 E# B4 |6 K) D5 y
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. ! I f# K3 Q: E# e6 _% r, ]+ n3 G
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. 7 Y( p" A# b: q1 B& U
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 7 M+ r. {2 X4 j9 f7 e2 m* V$ U
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. / f/ S9 ?; p: ?% w4 _& r) R2 y/ ?
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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) h \7 K2 v: \BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. % ^1 L- U& s* p, g$ v8 |1 d( P
" z6 i0 e) S( \* ~8 WSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.2 g% j, `. ]& [. Q- W, F
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. $ @" U& P1 J$ Z
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 3 q# z, Z+ [% E: j8 R1 C6 @' F# [
4 t% A( j5 b& `* G( s T1 A, C# yYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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. |* R) G$ k" z4 X2 ?WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.4 j2 D2 i3 ^% r& y$ ~ m
2 ]# }/ O" L, Z+ ?INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.1 i% p7 n! |9 v; R
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7 K( S" Y# E" ]) m, lIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
4 E+ u3 |/ h u/ MWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000., O7 e7 v% g" d# ?& \, {
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
3 q! X" t/ S9 A5 H/ c$ h, VBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. ) R0 X4 A8 b: K7 P: y; m3 {
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.8 t6 c9 }5 ?9 f _. i- G
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) R; v5 x" i, ]9 H/ n# ^Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... 3 H# S. P7 g N' C6 _
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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