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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
s/ {/ D6 B* t$ fCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 1 l: H" I( N# W2 _8 [/ Y6 J
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. & b$ |1 _% @5 B2 G+ I8 o P0 Y2 k
. E; {' V& B& [3 c+ OVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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. z. k4 N: I" }. D* j4 fBROKER -- What my broker has made me. ' s$ q9 G, |) l9 E0 l/ x5 h f( a6 z
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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8 t) I, l, Z$ U- ]STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. - }- v2 F: p# J) p: ]' o- `1 ~: ^
1 d1 l% Q ?- ?$ E B# K( gFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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1 v+ p1 X2 ?3 ]3 VMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. & i9 a0 m' F- |( |, [, f
, H' X$ V/ }4 ~. ?4 K5 ICASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. $ H5 G' A& r3 |: x
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share./ p* V5 S- S; v6 B# x2 {; B1 B: n
! y, `1 v( E, b# {INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. 6 T5 @( N; N8 M: h r2 J3 {
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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$ H% k' W4 A) x! I' FIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.3 y, k1 Q1 O6 G& j0 U& L* Y: I
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000." Z8 }, u1 r; Q
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
% r8 Y4 q1 e0 Y3 P( s# o5 |* @/ mBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
( Z, p) c2 |! SBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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! `) R1 K, G( c& ?What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? 5 i6 ~/ u. |1 J
- x( F, e o, G$ p) M( x; X A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.& C. _) G* W }% C2 V2 _# K" m1 c
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... + z3 q. h: b6 w) ]; [
2 D4 p9 R+ g f" u0 `+ x4 ^ ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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