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 New Stock Market Terms:
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4 ^6 N' l' h( B& Y, N; E# e( LCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
) a2 s' X: I+ |CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
- [3 V+ L) J3 |; i5 ?# pBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. : M( q2 I5 m. n) g, b
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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N4 w# N% N$ D) OP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. - M W& Y, O9 x
i/ i9 u2 j0 y6 O z. _BROKER -- What my broker has made me. / U% b; N$ U! L! e: T: W
" v" I$ [1 C) h' W5 g& p' NSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.3 Q+ v- y3 J% M! F2 \8 C, G- X
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. . w/ o( u" ^0 k% i Z; B
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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. `) t# b/ C& z" jMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 3 P3 |# y9 m+ `, r! Q! n6 ~1 N
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. : u( H, v5 H. M
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.8 U! D; Y( y+ w' L: G; L
5 z2 ~* H7 |( |1 ~2 ~! d; cINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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( i! m" ]% J( J$ ~8 }: K( {If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.1 S* F" a$ B% z7 d, S+ C
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
& S. g7 e5 ~9 Z* y: G! Z7 I( ^With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.+ W4 N$ f8 h* ?- [
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. ' }5 Z5 M: e! v9 S/ {( r" V
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.6 U; W9 d/ A' T* x% [: j
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' t3 y8 p: X' {5 ?% vWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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# k6 E+ g/ B: t& R. h A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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* E0 q, p8 U& n# M$ V- f o* I/ f& HPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... 7 P% ^3 C" q. S- b$ B5 y3 ?
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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