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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
+ J$ \7 P5 q$ z2 ?CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. x$ @- C5 |+ A% C
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. & N4 M- t, U) w9 m2 X& c" o5 V
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. 7 G7 a5 m) b3 S) K
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. # R/ _$ T4 G& z7 r7 a: Y( T" b" r' X
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 4 Z5 z9 h( w. {3 b
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.' N0 i' e! @6 V$ @" ~: W
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. # F# o& K9 e* w8 [
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. 8 x$ f' p8 h0 K8 I) @
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. ( F1 B* R2 Z- Q+ r6 i. Q, T
. o& N+ q" ^! C! V9 F) wWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share./ I. a' ~- p9 ^, M; g
4 x3 Y% p3 e; D8 |, Z" uINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. 3 k0 Y5 |+ u1 X( c3 W% _
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.2 Z7 ^' e9 e n8 E' o) j0 w
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
, T* R4 ]3 u+ X; l) K8 d/ mWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
2 [8 C+ f+ g* p9 Z5 X+ L6 ABut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. ) K' z, r `" K1 s, _9 _/ @
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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. W, v& }: X( Z9 F& _What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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