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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. " a+ G0 Z- C O5 N3 a& z
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 1 L* y5 x( O, e! F3 T
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. ; y; O, N6 ?' q
( N) B9 k- M" p4 I+ X7 Y4 aVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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1 N: a$ @5 s F) ^+ fP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. 1 h j. n" h0 u0 k5 n4 _& w
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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8 n5 M( ]5 ?, o' R$ i/ T( SSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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X; A% H/ y& r+ RCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. + e9 R$ E: X) z. B& ^) h$ h
" _ R( c9 W: r8 Y: c0 M+ ?YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. 5 V& ~- n# P5 l. _* h. s, \
% s5 M" e b( r1 D' CWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.; k9 M6 F, O7 s2 Q3 N, q
. w o& F3 p5 [5 z: |) f+ wINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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1 k; X; Q# q' a* m# y$ N$ V: [If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.0 X# O6 l8 n/ v0 l
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
: p0 a5 m V! z. w7 k9 v9 aWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.+ d1 g2 G1 m6 u: d8 n: n% Q
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
; S; f' m1 @( @Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.2 Q2 a: K/ ^9 N. |$ V
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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% G$ S% d) M5 z4 _2 }$ P& K A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... ) t& x0 v6 G5 v; r# V. s, E( O
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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