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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
2 q) [) r: [" hCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. 1 K# O3 T, n4 P# V+ P% J
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
; |$ W* O9 d9 Y/ i a9 }" YBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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$ i! ^9 b$ T6 x1 I" l" Y/ ^VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. 6 n) Y" z' n5 N2 S: X0 ~- |
$ |) R2 s7 k4 o1 L* G) CP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. # Q7 y% A3 j1 y8 S2 J
+ @7 ]* F, ~5 e7 [BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. + ~4 a! f9 }/ q- j- H
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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+ c H% @& o0 ^1 MMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. N# K4 T( _0 C. f& R% ~* w/ X
1 A. Q9 y" Q [CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 9 ]4 z/ [# |& i6 L, _
) r) r* O, W, kYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. , ]5 K2 W. T9 w% u+ A
4 E3 F. E, ^) |2 J" TWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.4 q3 a- |9 `& D0 h6 s% F
# h L' m$ I; m7 R$ z2 R: ?! ]. uINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. 0 @8 M; F6 \! z- ~
I f7 m7 J+ P; M2 W, x% [- NPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
4 [+ T+ d0 w& qWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
/ b& G/ z# n' M# v3 S1 w. K, ]$ GWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.+ |5 s, q" w& d- e7 t0 i
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. # k% t8 n, M7 e
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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5 v. ~; s' D2 s* I. VWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? 1 o; B" k8 I0 z. U% p/ u/ c
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.; ^ t8 v0 p1 ~
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V& p4 _( C6 l+ TPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... / w( E% b- y) X8 B& A. b) q, y& W' s
7 G% J: W. v9 R# q ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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