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 New Stock Market Terms:
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* [8 K& ]% g0 E# K, aCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. 5 Y2 i- v5 f% m9 \; s( m
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. ( [) l; B! f% m
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 1 S+ B0 u7 M! E+ {/ Q0 a+ A
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. ; A- U# g) [4 }
8 x6 i4 _$ N2 G, {VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. ! L8 o# H4 X' p8 ?: a% l- ~$ J
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. S3 j( L# h6 S3 t0 o
4 Q5 L. \- E3 V( @+ y3 LBROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 8 D8 Z) ?6 [( V9 H& C0 M
/ T! P# o7 w& f+ S( b- kSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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4 X) Q0 i& k# d5 ]6 a& _STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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5 I% w. k" Z9 d( p5 Q' }0 EFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. % X7 q7 D5 p2 D8 [: `3 E7 C0 \
7 r8 V& q6 f, X7 p% M" L" ECASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 7 p" r6 R' ~5 g$ a& B: ^8 X
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.* r3 ~$ V3 k) I7 ~0 d1 c
6 M+ p2 C8 q8 ^, o) D1 h6 AINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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) W1 S$ s+ D+ eIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
* O: H8 H$ F9 Y& P$ T2 tWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
' j9 A1 u" o3 @+ rWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.- w0 b5 U. H) k3 {4 J/ U' }- Y3 B
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
% d8 c+ a8 B3 Z. F1 Y- Q: u7 R0 l8 NBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.9 ^$ N0 v/ `# o; I
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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+ j# T% m& X( b! U. k7 P" qPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... 8 S$ Q+ { ^) g7 A
/ ~' N1 j' D6 Z; s ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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