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 New Stock Market Terms:+ h' A9 P/ h$ g) l
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. 1 j' h/ Y: ^/ d+ P# I, s- F
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
5 s6 @2 z2 x/ n0 r+ yBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. / y2 l% L# b' Y1 @4 V- q
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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% |+ }8 \3 p' Z* cSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 0 F) D0 O+ N& C2 T: b+ V
: y4 T+ {5 d' M! f% {& t5 JSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. 2 N5 o K( x. v( R; A; B2 ] O
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. : i, e$ V3 O+ T3 ]6 Q& d
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. 4 k( H6 M$ ^) ?& f& b8 l( s
( }: ^5 b- n: s, C/ s& z+ A& GCASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. ) C1 d) Q) p# _; f/ y9 u
& h# q0 `/ G0 [# N; CYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. 4 p+ C. v n; A) v+ f
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.6 |! n; S3 j- K
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use." y8 {9 S+ O. T! j0 B7 n
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5 ?2 G' J; Z# \* Y( m; \. uIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
7 M* k, F1 A. | r5 fWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
+ z( k/ I5 G" T% J+ u- o8 S) TWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.. y( l1 E, D1 n# }7 }
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. ( x' b3 d( V5 [
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.8 L4 X8 i* \6 ]( S, L( \
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2 `& I8 p3 v" i/ U9 ~6 l; I3 ~What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.8 k0 X% ^, G* H4 `# L8 ^' d
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; ~6 u9 }, Z, z4 y9 ?Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... 6 _* h( J( ]$ V
8 `/ N/ e" u8 Z4 Q3 [) \ ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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