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 New Stock Market Terms:
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
, \; b+ _3 r* K) u' y0 G3 RCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. $ p' }& C; D9 u: v4 Q& \
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. ! u* ^' K, L5 V! e
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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Z( O7 C4 V* v- o% B7 kVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. # M6 O5 ^/ j) K1 ]# w! B4 u
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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( X5 r# C/ o; Y9 LSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. $ v; V V& X3 b8 f9 [
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock., W: ?, I& F. K; ~2 z% x k
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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6 e& p5 d1 K s* pFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 1 {7 U' }% R8 z& Z
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. 1 v6 N3 E# d& }( f1 q; E7 h
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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2 T: m$ a* h& T: {0 V9 ZYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. , D0 P- Z! F2 U0 u5 w' N. h1 v
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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5 u, z, P4 O" f3 A* }6 KIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.3 ?+ q# m3 u" f. X- t1 r
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.2 }3 y+ W- H" n: c0 q5 t
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
& \' _' d9 E. s( Q- M# \But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. ' O& H; V! q6 X; c
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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, C6 _- ]( M' Q1 v5 V3 [# vPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... ; y6 V* g; I' v6 |' g8 h$ s0 E
2 e* O+ P. i& k ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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