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 New Stock Market Terms:& q4 M( |% Z4 ~: h- V( C$ ^
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
* v4 \) ~0 `- c0 X$ V1 hCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. 3 q1 k v( V) T) X! ~8 x' N
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. , \: Y) x+ _: f6 m3 U* h7 q% Y
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. # R) c; n' I3 L1 ?) T" I) |& p
& [8 O4 W' r+ v0 ZBROKER -- What my broker has made me. 2 u% u+ L( k% k, ?
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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: X$ n# i; n- W/ q! C6 o! |STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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6 L+ [+ [6 [$ T% g8 n, LFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. * o2 Y; F* `, L! j8 C
% [- W" O) S; W/ cMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. 0 d) l1 n; t% r5 {; M9 G
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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+ T9 @; W: u- Z1 }! `WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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# E( D. b. u" ], V) OINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. ' h2 ~% ]4 m5 R9 P: T
8 `$ F/ J* H, D3 U' B$ K+ t( iPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left." h8 E$ [# R |9 Y) D- o
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
) G9 f% @' P, [% d+ y) b! F. xWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
+ V }$ Z$ p2 c) OBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. ( u1 |! z1 V8 C7 z* k
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.# @0 O) A$ z/ c$ y+ e0 i1 ?
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2 l |4 l# ?8 u% a5 \' c1 z, v) AWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.& b) G2 p, W) k, `% Y
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- ?2 C7 E I% Q4 K- \$ q6 k3 I/ C6 MPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... + G# `1 u( m0 Y- y( y _6 q
8 M; M/ ~- Z) n0 b3 { ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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