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 New Stock Market Terms:6 S/ g9 M2 h# e
! s! N' {/ D/ S1 W- O+ A( V! k8 zCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
O4 U) M9 e8 A/ f+ k! L6 `5 [" D7 ?( HCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. ! M$ V+ C& R1 ?9 l# {7 J7 ]9 K
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
( Z- H% c4 [( B& c" o7 MBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. 9 M; P3 p8 P" V+ v
; W( e& X" P( `" s0 WVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. 1 p7 _0 I8 @% g( i1 {9 b" M! ^9 L
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. 8 i- S6 ~) F% Q9 d- z
7 s! ]9 i" u% r& |8 p" KBROKER -- What my broker has made me. 3 q# j1 B U8 Q5 \, z: r- }
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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+ L. j+ P; F* \ A: j3 ?STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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# T6 C! @: g3 `3 aSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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+ J; O- m$ L/ O) |7 }FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 4 b2 D4 G# u; o9 w" g, ^! r6 O
5 g. H) t9 m) v) H4 iMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. ( m S& j8 c7 w) H5 b! ]
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.; a; b- e1 Z: ~
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. * g. q6 O+ f# j! n
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.' h5 b# Y+ [1 R) |8 {+ X1 T( I) ^8 B
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.* m' [$ i% [: h
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.( z! p( c8 H# |2 ?4 m u% A# k1 {' d
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
8 Y: `: l. `, |6 `$ bBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. 5 \4 N3 c" a e9 V( `! a
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? 4 ` O4 _& w% a7 \1 ?( l5 G( [
* g$ Y( }$ [" K" _0 n! M2 s3 n+ Q A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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