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 New Stock Market Terms: r! e" J y) }$ _- t0 S
% I4 {0 U1 n0 C6 C# x7 F( eCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. % g5 v6 @# I$ ^: E* S/ B+ J
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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& @0 E& l. {( l1 x% [BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. & [1 u/ B* X) q7 l/ |6 L! n& Z
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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8 ]3 g* _* @ b3 x3 G: c) EVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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! H C6 s9 g5 M3 K* K e$ g, e- QP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. - X) f, N$ V; E/ {: p, D. u1 f
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. ) b2 B. u8 U( l# P8 u% y1 @& T
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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- m& t2 A2 D( F3 ZSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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, v0 I7 u' u6 ^1 [5 z1 E! WFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. ( O, ~4 _$ w4 o7 J
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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% M) i Q- S- n( }; @CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. ; z6 s" f0 g+ y! i6 r1 Y
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share." \8 j7 I" b6 k$ D
, |" U- [( ` jINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. ( t, }4 _; K( `5 A. _; L
( ]7 R5 E7 \% T, y- KPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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: J: Z: ^" D- ?! c$ WIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
& k) g( B# \$ U: H# F2 GWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.! {. a6 a# B. L. R9 b% g
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
( `) R" l6 r; A- x% zBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
5 D& [' _% `* S8 c7 n1 MBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.8 K9 c7 {9 k1 \9 r j! v
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? ( P( s1 U6 S5 r& N2 Z2 H
, U8 _2 v p% l l, s" B5 L% r9 n A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes. T; ?, R7 S3 e$ x
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6 A+ V+ x' a. g) P; P# K0 {Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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9 v; Y9 u8 F, Z w1 A5 V9 R- h7 {; i ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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