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 New Stock Market Terms:+ e9 c, F3 D( R& l
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. - `$ D7 t/ B2 Q% J7 s, J
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. , s+ L4 @( ]* a% o6 }/ i8 y# g
2 }3 s& o. w# h8 c* e. K+ S3 x" l; R7 RBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
8 n+ ]2 l% C2 ^5 `. SBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. 1 D/ [* e$ r1 c
7 d% `: L9 \9 QVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. 6 `& Q `, `( n
4 F- ]/ e. [* K3 v2 f0 k; O+ i7 SP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. . n; R- L; }0 O9 U" p* c
2 D; h/ C, {& EBROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. # W" a% o( B& i
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.. @( T( G4 o# O1 [1 Q2 r
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. * v: ]$ G9 Q! q
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 8 S, C) \" f' e- I. K$ n
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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# L; q! v! I+ b( ^. ~CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. n; W$ A8 X* X4 C" j1 s
7 W% D9 t( ?9 y8 N; R3 `YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. & g% Z$ g$ [1 t3 Y! x3 _
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WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.9 f5 F0 m2 ]5 x$ z. V0 n& O/ L% p
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
( r$ E% f- e: j9 t- V" ^% }: {With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
% a: i4 `; u& F5 JWith AIG, you would have less than $15 left.& P0 \4 C: F2 B+ ?2 H
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
1 a6 [! s7 |7 H* y9 d; |+ l) nBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? 6 Y. y* T, H! J$ b, N' I+ n; I
1 {! N2 i* t% Z: W A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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