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 New Stock Market Terms:
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# F; T, }& v7 s! p- N0 v; NCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
! i8 I, A0 {: I+ }& _0 w# k: z, kCFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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2 G- k9 v5 N+ Q. NBULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
6 b! O$ q. i: g; I' GBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. 8 V; r( @4 ]3 y! g8 Q
/ x) h( W F) V# jVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. R' L9 P; M& z3 d- \# ?2 T& s# r
0 o; ], i: ?( }. n) b. {1 WBROKER -- What my broker has made me. + z6 }3 t. h9 e
7 w7 r% L( T3 c, j4 VSTANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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$ m0 h- q% P6 R% ]( r8 nSTOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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& X' j0 K; q. j! w) E( y ~3 DMARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. ' v- `9 P& r+ V! V0 R' I! i
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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; F# @0 l" C' m- s$ SWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.0 z; d3 z9 `# A1 ?& X7 J! R
# h% ^1 G- g" m+ P: l9 IINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.. v2 ~, v+ e; s5 H/ T7 r
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
% `. \: [% a1 x f; X5 QWith Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.) J7 _0 Z0 C/ q- G" |# l
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.
. L7 F* m7 W. e9 m! K* dBut, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. 9 N, V. M) {/ n+ y
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.9 Y; I" ?/ {, `9 o) I7 b* `8 D
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? ( f- \0 P4 { O: H( x! o
" W" a' o/ e/ ]! o" o A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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