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 New Stock Market Terms:. c% {+ d/ t7 d9 N" i1 n M5 m! l
5 \& o0 d, A* [1 zCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. 9 |+ e: ~4 |5 o N. `% C# D
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
% T' c( T! u5 ]' s& }BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. ( X: K3 Y" K# I$ M' g% c
* i6 S# E# N% ^% J& t) Z& z) zBROKER -- What my broker has made me.
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
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8 `2 W) }% m+ O+ h1 g5 ]MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. ! Z% a! W" K" i5 c) U
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YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. r5 }$ O! b" P( u: V
9 ?0 v3 h' c$ U) S, z) IWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.* y1 |3 K5 ~; j% f+ T% `
& ?; @+ h2 F0 \+ a' PINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. + O! O/ q" ]9 g' _- L7 N
4 s6 V9 ~2 G2 G! t, `PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.: m, \% _% G: Z
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.
( v: `" W0 N1 v" l9 ~& w! X1 }With AIG, you would have less than $15 left." y$ W5 S# g: E9 c/ N ]( a
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. # T2 R4 V' a* |, Z0 j% a
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.6 y# _( e) [' N6 I+ V5 ]
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What is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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3 j$ ?: R: }0 r ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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