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 New Stock Market Terms:
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( h! X( E. N- e: CCEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. 4 k. Z" a7 V. q
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. 1 N* t) {; x6 A" A
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
4 _( m9 z+ z! FBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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& m- A" p2 A6 d" s1 x2 i+ f: ^* TVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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/ C! |0 m2 S2 {) a3 FP/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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0 I; o p! E3 {. pBROKER -- What my broker has made me. " b# Y+ K' D9 I; x4 x# s) w1 y
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. # R6 V# [; `2 O) v$ j3 U. Q
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.( g- }# L% |4 ]) K' ~, n
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STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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5 C @# R6 R5 c) C0 k& s4 SFINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. . ^3 i" M. i. {+ {5 r# _
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. " B+ l) n, I9 b+ Q
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
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4 ?, i+ ^7 K" a* V* k. Y2 I ZYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. + t9 }/ ]3 x! }( L0 b J: M3 a
! X5 K4 {2 |/ @WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.$ r+ \2 `9 {8 Z0 Z) N
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.# M$ a$ `- h, B- g& C# P$ P0 u! N
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If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.+ |7 h! v' L: x. U2 N
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.: D1 U8 c0 S* D: {9 u
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.( s% p- a% D8 Z
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash.
- u l: z5 X( O2 R4 fBased on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
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1 p$ q- y3 r5 O2 K. e/ e- EWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon?
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: I, J2 X' h$ G; w# \ A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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3 G) S+ `2 t% N" kPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common... % }- J) ~8 y* n
# W4 H# @: p g/ g X6 l ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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