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 New Stock Market Terms:5 ^1 R! a: `: y/ P% s# V- y9 u' ]
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. + z; H5 b+ j9 S* G" r, I
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. " v& Q0 ]/ _. P2 f/ h
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BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
; s1 w9 V" ?+ T' `+ W' _2 jBEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
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5 R( N0 _' }7 |1 A3 X& ]8 PVALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
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P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
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BROKER -- What my broker has made me. * S% \/ v' Q5 R% u0 R
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STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. 8 f, L# M6 j$ I
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STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.9 e Y$ N+ z. R1 L" ]
7 H3 C9 g# t' ]! aSTOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
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FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. 5 s/ r7 U- M' p: @
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MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. , \4 A: D- n) L5 M/ Y+ \
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CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. 7 N' h2 C, u/ R) `5 D" y
6 \7 O. @4 p, \% t6 E" ` d7 L5 I7 wYAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
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" p! p* c0 G; [- c; s8 ?) HWINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.' ]6 `& g1 q9 H
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INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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. S/ r! p. g, X9 _( S) IPROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
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3 n0 k' F0 S; S0 \8 }7 e) x$ ?& yIf you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.
& q; a% O/ S* q, _4 |With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.5 J4 O. N `8 Y% ], c
With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.7 R) b$ s4 j0 v- n5 L
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. ) H8 Z1 w2 Q+ f5 Q- i
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.7 c6 |3 D+ v; f* `9 j
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, r8 S1 x$ V" Y0 R$ hWhat is the difference between a Wall Street Stockbroker and a pigeon? " t6 z1 {6 m6 H% x; {! k
" I) M! o0 ?) T8 I. H A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.& n7 @; \, }9 \6 i
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
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! T0 A' ?/ B. P7 |! w# I ...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. |
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