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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
% N% w0 q8 A# E8 V3 S. r
9 Z* z0 B4 ^7 c* O$ \I fell in love with you ! z, }" g( ?0 M6 w+ y9 @
At the first week we met0 L1 ?2 r" S4 Q, h9 }1 i9 e* X
/ ?1 E5 s, `( p& g7 a! q) v
You have charm, you have looks0 p( q. H# C" L- \$ g; S6 x1 t
with full of pimples in face; a% f& N* X# |! b
As spotting sky at a summer night
0 O2 X" X9 c% U, E! U3 ^/ VThey are shining stars0 t$ l* y5 E, R# M/ j" U

8 i  t& A, \3 x0 J( s' oYour lip is so big
6 _, [* D! I: J# f: qAnd that’s good for a kiss  M; p6 G# J1 r; \6 j2 K9 o, A
Your body is chubby
' I2 P3 j/ x" f( TAnd that is good for sex! G3 t0 B8 D! b# W3 T1 e% a3 @1 b

& b& c5 `# L( \) Z0 Q% EI was deeply in love
0 b# @' O$ K5 P: {Everything from you is positive
8 y/ J4 `5 R9 X$ W" z% fYou blame me everything and everyday
4 m3 i7 H" t- i1 w( s+ o" G2 _/ RAnd I think all girls sound like+ n3 ?6 Z) ^+ |- N& {, C

& w' I+ Y2 T4 K  u) _5 H2 \You could not stand my eating
: j. _7 ?3 T! X6 g' USaying no good for making funny sound
) E. p' l+ K9 E) `* F2 wI think you are perfectly right) q4 y' c' p9 _: g, ^
Eating with sound is a pig+ m) Z2 E0 {' r& `

$ O" u6 `+ H) ]9 DI fell in love with you . \& L2 b- n4 t2 q& A
Become a fool to think
. ^/ ~* ^: D$ m3 m! Y0 x# wAll trouble things you did
% u! Z# k6 i7 N8 r9 {( y/ y, GAnd that is the price for love
' X5 S! _1 B2 h5 S% X, U8 u9 D) N8 P% [
. [  E9 s/ a# c8 g: N) q5 ayou are deeply in love
! |  w4 Q9 f6 R5 hEverything from me is negative
  l4 B3 J' s* {5 f! z: }"My man should be like this,
+ x; L) R4 _; A" c3 ?6 V1 mand I am helping you to improve'
! @6 f: J6 J6 S  \8 {- V. `8 \4 p  }) X6 Q3 ?3 {( ?/ `. S3 _
You are loving me
8 _9 }; L" q0 I# N* z% Sor that one in your mind?7 ]# d) n+ i, W1 _  N" S
My mind is like a mud
* i  U$ Y7 C' d1 ^; X- j- ]+ l# qcan be shaped whatever you want
( `4 ~6 F& F( [; `& ?3 v6 t7 e8 _* f# J7 K8 F' ?2 K. h+ r! f" I
unfortunalety not my heart! n+ I# b) W/ F: h/ v; Y/ t2 P' \
It is slashed by you
+ y. b: G6 v1 Y+ {; k% `( land I am seriously hurt& {2 t! |# X! l* L
' ]" }# F. ^- h/ F
I will never love another
, L' Z; e! D/ [$ P2 y4 ~2 MIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 / F4 R  w, X  y+ `1 G  h) W
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

4 T4 f$ T! d9 _
# T* D4 U7 s5 X5 ?6 j4 c咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 y8 k2 ~3 t2 O, R- a- f不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
$ U* B# I: F  L: Z4 Si am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.1 d: y* `+ C8 S+ S# h
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed$ @, u: F* p/ _$ b+ o) |

+ c  `3 F' R1 \3 twith the charm,
, n' s. o+ ~5 ?! v$ kwith the simles.5 P; T- @" T' h: }. A$ Q+ P* n2 q
I fell in love with you , y( d/ k. Y$ n* ]- l
In the first sign.
  n- D1 z2 \8 ]- K9 [& @. EAs spotting sky at a summer 1 n, @  m* y( Q/ g3 K; X

; I5 a& j; x$ fYour lip is so soft - c9 Q! ~# z% d
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
$ ~9 W6 P) ~2 JYour body is so sexy( Z0 y4 E% @* O# A& [: f! H8 h
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.& P, Z' ~% J( d; D" Z& `

7 \6 z9 A% L/ q* c' G5 zI am deeply in love/ t- n+ |8 O5 g4 `5 @% H3 u
Everything from you is so charming
' s. ?! k' R. [& P3 nalthough You r so picky for me * P6 c/ l) r7 Y% J
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.! O1 ^& r" x3 T! q- `- o  `
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem# l, ?5 `7 q. `3 m
$ q: a6 s( ~" ?0 V) |6 H

$ d3 H0 b. g$ G( e9 K/ ZHis hello is the end of her endings
/ R9 g. Q5 e- C( E& ~. pHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ q* P8 ~0 P% J+ m7 N4 V, nHis hand would be hers to hold forever0 u+ g* \! o: _
His forever is simply as her smile ( M% ~+ }4 k+ b  J& o
He said she was what was missing
8 N+ A: u8 b/ r# g" S( jShe said instantly she knew
0 p+ Q' C7 f( t2 _! aShe was a question to be answered$ T3 T* x9 H8 ^& s* v
And his answer is 9 C* m. f# f7 L
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas# W3 J4 l# `+ N
, t' g1 @3 N1 y9 }8 a* y9 p
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
7 Z4 D6 e9 K2 `  X
2 ~5 k" A- r- e+ _8 hIt's amazing how I felt . r, S; i7 @" h& M
when I was with you
; \1 x9 r, t  d" y8 w1 P( i: J. RMy heart beat so fast
' u1 v# ]2 \7 |7 i& v/ o" k9 U6 fI looked at you and thought
- m) U* ~% t$ g  B, d/ F; Y2 OHoly Jesus, you were so cute
& R8 T) b$ V; w
- n* B& g8 I+ t# ^You left me without a word
' s* f9 m$ h( u+ i) hI have nothing except my emptiness
$ @1 v+ u" g6 L0 {/ W7 O3 {: a7 ?2 hMy mood is like a cloud  r0 r4 q0 P4 Y4 [) ]& J6 k
How could it be dispersed?
; \0 q* X8 B- }. J' o$ b. q. ]$ S$ Q& u% m; v
Feelings bite my heart
- m% _" [/ W8 A; mYou are the right one I wait
4 Z& ?4 A0 f% k3 x+ J% JIn the depth of my soul
& ]& [' |; u% W; U% \8 aI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美5 f3 Y/ d* u- w4 h: i! L% I
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( ]9 W9 V5 l0 W0 E
就和用中文写一次
5 o. |$ Y9 N1 O阿,我爱你1 J% F0 x9 k* k
你让我心跳好快
0 B2 A) u5 p3 \7 ^你让我脸发热3 A+ c+ B" n5 Y. f- }
我爱上你的大嘴唇1 {# V4 R% w( y& V, g2 u: k
XXXXX* b+ ^3 u! r. k& g: ]& w6 P4 x+ H7 D
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?" V; v7 `* P3 f9 y: u& x
5 c$ a% h+ _& \9 a% N4 L  {
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 x" a+ _, i4 |+ r$ w7 |. A至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
. V# B$ Z* q! D闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美! _4 i  R- g. U
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" _% [$ m& P& J* }# Q. s
就和用中文写一次
, I/ H1 A8 }! E; i阿,我爱你% u1 z& t- d4 ?: g9 R2 c  i3 z" O
你让我心跳好快
3 I5 f) W, L' e# W. q你让我脸发热
5 n" O* a2 u2 ~, y9 O5 u我爱上你的大嘴唇: }" S# h; Q! I
XXXXX6 W: D+ l( e' I* a
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
' J7 Q0 v1 ^9 {
. y0 w6 X# B0 t
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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