埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 4826|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
2 l3 R7 o9 V  f, ~
( a+ H, R- j6 pI fell in love with you " i' K  m2 P5 b/ A, M4 H
At the first week we met8 M# q4 r* z# a6 b

. `6 {+ |& D4 l$ X1 {You have charm, you have looks% ~. x2 I  }- }5 a! z% G
with full of pimples in face
# O+ k; O# {3 RAs spotting sky at a summer night: h1 f' A4 X  H: q) n
They are shining stars! f% L4 h2 t+ u! p

5 y4 I  ^8 \6 b/ y3 m. u7 K+ z/ g$ oYour lip is so big
2 Z; J: P: S: M2 s6 a1 jAnd that’s good for a kiss& `! x1 H- V7 |0 k2 b
Your body is chubby/ j% Q' B6 P* I- E# b7 y# Q. j
And that is good for sex
7 i$ C" n0 Z; L- i: _/ l5 j' e/ P, d) s4 t5 y! m# M4 H, p
I was deeply in love) I  V$ q8 k7 t
Everything from you is positive7 u8 X+ J6 |$ m! Q& ]
You blame me everything and everyday
# I0 `& s/ j6 }, y- zAnd I think all girls sound like
+ a: F3 S& U$ b
& ~2 n' J. n: H: y6 D7 \You could not stand my eating! F9 t2 C2 x, j, a2 \, v
Saying no good for making funny sound
+ Z7 ]$ B6 P! p$ X  _3 lI think you are perfectly right7 W% t7 t4 G$ ^/ T
Eating with sound is a pig# ^4 l3 G. p) [9 _0 u. j
7 H" T/ T! A% r6 X
I fell in love with you $ _1 q& \+ H9 ~1 y1 {1 M. K, Q
Become a fool to think
" R2 q$ ?5 `: o: kAll trouble things you did
; `% R; u" c6 r: ?" |And that is the price for love. {8 L5 R, X& K5 A8 e+ T( T
% @  d1 P: v: D+ l. n7 p2 K' B
you are deeply in love6 [! ?0 Y1 B& `
Everything from me is negative/ h5 m/ x$ w3 M  t; R4 E2 J4 G1 x4 g
"My man should be like this,7 a: z: k1 N) u' H" N, G% B" \' S) p
and I am helping you to improve'+ h: w, i+ D5 ?' f% @) i3 Z

8 v, Y( L; d: [1 A7 F' Z: c. _6 q1 MYou are loving me 2 B* a& f- j3 _) p+ |4 H. V# j' S
or that one in your mind?
. O* X4 r4 K0 A3 U: Q& T$ _, FMy mind is like a mud6 F; u# \/ |- [' b( C4 M, C0 Y1 L
can be shaped whatever you want
" N; r. u! K0 e2 m7 \, L
6 r6 n3 U7 O8 b* k$ Munfortunalety not my heart7 [3 {7 G2 ~; n) }2 P
It is slashed by you
) w, ^  [- @' X" O, xand I am seriously hurt4 f" h, z6 n4 X" q+ x

. J6 \/ H- G: t1 K& rI will never love another
1 _5 W' e8 ^2 o4 ?& R$ t9 EIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 , T  X+ G7 U$ c- s; Q
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

. R# x+ E# q( ^7 z7 T1 [. k" m
2 n* q. M& V9 [9 a  z" P9 H咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
5 M# A- _6 x9 p. |7 R6 v. Q0 I8 s不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
, M! {: L: d, k7 o8 h4 `i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
6 d* ?; }# K! a+ ?4 z9 r1 JAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed' y9 j* r8 h9 Q/ l& R
+ {; l0 C/ k6 S5 G
with the charm,* t8 X& {+ a! R% k* e. }
with the simles.
$ Z% w( t; S( DI fell in love with you * q  v9 V1 M! t. Y* @- n5 }
In the first sign.
* H- z" ?5 b' z. `0 R* t6 m' |' D" [As spotting sky at a summer
% W( X4 G# B# N) A; v
6 g/ w0 C: b& s* A  F% LYour lip is so soft 5 L, o! a( s* {3 [7 v
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss! E1 Q/ N# I  n4 p+ {! C& f& m
Your body is so sexy! V; a3 k& n3 {. t+ w5 v
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
1 g- _$ v3 |  o5 o' r# s8 ~
6 @$ c/ t1 H9 H" jI am deeply in love0 ]: j) k/ b" C
Everything from you is so charming" G& q+ ^- Z' @' }, V- M
although You r so picky for me
/ l5 Q& t& o, W  S8 z& s+ I  lAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
- [; q* Q6 w1 [$ L' v5 lBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
0 F0 ?" q: V# W* K* m( E
9 i* b9 ^6 c0 o% F( D7 N$ b$ \1 [! O$ n+ `8 W  }' B
His hello is the end of her endings) H+ U. L5 h+ ?0 ?
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
$ Z( \( G5 a- C3 W5 S0 |+ dHis hand would be hers to hold forever
" o# y* e1 {  j- M. ]His forever is simply as her smile $ f  |* _# a3 S6 u  b
He said she was what was missing. w& q/ Q) R" G3 l
She said instantly she knew, ?' Y7 t) e1 L9 t' V( i
She was a question to be answered7 W$ t& i8 f+ A1 q
And his answer is 2 e8 g# O! `( `
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas, O" H" V: y3 ]5 h9 P9 a; q) M

# X; Z! h2 n. [Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
- G5 R- c# S7 r& a( ?8 F0 K/ E2 y- ~) d
It's amazing how I felt ' Q+ D5 g* k% x: b
when I was with you9 W5 X3 f" G' s
My heart beat so fast; l! Y- g( R5 V# W! d
I looked at you and thought
: X: u2 G* f% o3 X9 b0 d, E, T- QHoly Jesus, you were so cute
" D& H. N0 |- E1 H1 A0 x$ W
+ H. M+ E+ t: o+ rYou left me without a word. n" B+ J2 z% l% `& I/ v
I have nothing except my emptiness
  ]1 S; I0 R0 d3 j) BMy mood is like a cloud
, Q$ {/ O- P9 d# D! y# yHow could it be dispersed?  B3 a) H, b8 j8 H# j" |0 S. ~
( f, X7 R6 o) W8 ^* \  r' E
Feelings bite my heart
2 w) p3 c  n# \( AYou are the right one I wait
2 c' |3 B. N7 J/ c8 hIn the depth of my soul
$ \% \  r3 h. N  u- CI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; r. |0 f" T1 t& t2 a你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道. z) j, e; D* S  E# g$ m7 S9 O. E
就和用中文写一次) \" H' n8 M4 B# {# `# ]* G
阿,我爱你
2 w6 v( @' c$ |2 S% C你让我心跳好快5 J4 K( b8 x( j/ f0 Q" n: t
你让我脸发热; q9 o; u9 U( @2 I7 }& g
我爱上你的大嘴唇( m% q. Z, y9 |3 T1 D4 G- H
XXXXX
' }$ n- j1 D8 u, i3 t0 F! C! A不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?* [" U  o, ]" }: w* ], A1 u

4 d2 w! p. N& P, G如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER( i* d' e! N% B8 h$ Z
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 6 \8 p5 f4 x% j/ t2 l+ r$ Q5 F' V
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
- n; p8 T( _# ?- G! m你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道/ x, K" p% I5 ?* J* u- k, a7 z
就和用中文写一次
8 e+ Z5 L+ U# o! F3 X3 s阿,我爱你: u# N9 k0 T1 L8 o. e- I1 k
你让我心跳好快, u" h: \$ a$ Q4 ^" v8 N6 b" _
你让我脸发热
* ]7 z# |* F' z我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ C4 Z5 ]5 }/ @6 C  Q. bXXXXX
- ?5 z; e# A) n7 w3 T6 }不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 J$ q8 ~; P1 ]% B2 _$ a, y9 Q' w: n4 l& K: j/ }
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
8 b) j+ C1 g3 z* P; f+ J7 G( D2 F
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2025-9-15 03:42 , Processed in 0.165187 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表