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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
9 f/ d+ u4 B) ^; g6 j) e$ [1 a8 s: Z/ a( K& `5 E5 V6 l3 u! i* p
I fell in love with you . J2 i4 f2 D+ \5 c: U. B. }1 n* p
At the first week we met
2 c4 c8 r! f0 I  @1 v6 `9 m3 u
8 P  E* u3 B, X3 j; B- aYou have charm, you have looks
* {" d' l+ [2 S. Y& q# U0 ]with full of pimples in face
" `4 D! b. r! h- gAs spotting sky at a summer night
* R- ]0 E/ a6 O0 p3 _2 ~2 @They are shining stars" {7 T8 G- P5 f0 O9 T6 f7 v

( U* q- M* o2 M6 C/ j! q- G8 hYour lip is so big
5 r) m3 \* Y1 z' A2 E6 ^And that’s good for a kiss* F, q" b) O! E4 ~4 i0 H
Your body is chubby0 \2 d5 B6 y1 G& ?+ x
And that is good for sex& [- \9 P. d8 W2 Y+ o# p
' b  ^1 t- d  K- A5 p: t' d! ?
I was deeply in love; g: o* q$ G& H, w, y' C2 d
Everything from you is positive
+ `2 [, h! N, }3 k# A- ~# o6 TYou blame me everything and everyday
! K2 c) i& P( Z" Q; N; H- \* tAnd I think all girls sound like0 n7 i" c/ r8 e4 N
/ A. n2 Z1 B* q4 R  y9 ]
You could not stand my eating, h$ U4 J) j8 H! B; M
Saying no good for making funny sound. o$ D. \$ ]0 [0 Q# Y/ M
I think you are perfectly right
, m# M5 G7 Q7 m0 R. ~$ S! MEating with sound is a pig
4 H1 F6 i& U! [/ |6 p5 g4 L% m8 z
  C7 B. u7 F" u4 p: iI fell in love with you 5 O# b& k; `8 g1 G* w. u
Become a fool to think1 c4 l- b) k- T( u& Q! O) B
All trouble things you did7 w. I. }. B5 p, N- }
And that is the price for love
1 T) R/ `# I/ Z, y( s# f; Z1 z; ^. r+ U; n. W
you are deeply in love0 k) H* P5 B, r* [' {
Everything from me is negative
; L" y7 F" C, c"My man should be like this,
! M7 j4 c% ]8 F1 i4 }and I am helping you to improve'5 d( ]! E1 ^/ R# E" ?) x, ^' M6 j
% F) O2 ^+ J( v  `; I! C" U
You are loving me
1 K; J& J& W, Q, For that one in your mind?
, u( p/ C5 s0 d2 t' a4 BMy mind is like a mud
( A% z0 T& d5 B( Z  ~7 b( Ncan be shaped whatever you want+ c) U# E5 L: J8 L- k

0 u' c4 u3 D- t" z- O. Punfortunalety not my heart: O6 V8 Z1 T7 D$ L! s
It is slashed by you
( f* R4 n1 X) y4 J- v! n) ?and I am seriously hurt  S6 \( @- ^0 C
; [  `7 Y7 n% t7 C- o
I will never love another & H! @& N- H+ E2 ~8 V, I- x
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
' a# |* I( _+ Y" _my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" ~: y2 p! b3 e/ M" q
! g! z6 _  g# X# w0 g% Y咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
3 |. Z# B1 d' i( s9 z- f7 Q, d不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
8 u0 `, x2 [, A% J& d/ l- h: j5 J* zi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
8 ?; m7 J) y- A0 C6 G: ^And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed! m- F7 ?) ~4 ~. G: i* M/ h

. R& \0 A4 `: x7 x. B6 uwith the charm,
. ?# L8 A) b7 e2 U' l% Zwith the simles.9 @; j5 d; {, V  O' T8 [! N
I fell in love with you
+ N' }1 x$ U  V) v$ JIn the first sign.+ W: X: z" K! v& ~
As spotting sky at a summer
. n( i' ?. t! m
  ^& l' M" g* a5 k7 q* M; B  l% v9 pYour lip is so soft
" k" {) L& M( `9 K# ]! ]. sthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 e, A- n- P1 S7 h$ ZYour body is so sexy
3 i2 [1 w8 x% U+ \And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 j5 U. u' \$ D0 X2 K+ ?
4 Y2 e0 l& |! ?3 v- e  n& `& g& TI am deeply in love
' Z% C0 Q1 N4 K4 _, A& P+ ]Everything from you is so charming* }( V6 A3 C- S( v- I
although You r so picky for me
2 s3 @! C- i' m+ E3 ~$ Z3 U+ Y7 B- |8 LAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.$ \' W& L5 ~3 c( [# j9 b
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
6 Y2 \$ `3 I; [7 @' I; |6 I2 M# X1 L# j

: `) A, k+ n0 X! `1 |His hello is the end of her endings7 ~3 n5 c! i0 S
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle- ^( j6 ]+ K1 g3 B6 H2 V) ~
His hand would be hers to hold forever8 C) g, r& F- @
His forever is simply as her smile
0 W4 R; f. @1 D4 ]: x# RHe said she was what was missing
+ W2 [/ Z; C: ^0 x  C  I% r" AShe said instantly she knew
( ]" y* o" w* q( n$ ]/ {9 x/ FShe was a question to be answered
0 a& N7 b5 {: N& n6 L  J7 FAnd his answer is 4 N0 q* }6 |2 u8 M3 V6 B0 F
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
2 c. k" N' J& x5 O. Q
! g) S1 Q3 {# w1 r' `) T0 _It's amazing how I felt
! R/ }. p9 [2 s6 |1 [0 {7 V: Cwhen I was with you
3 x4 ?) ]; q1 \0 DMy heart beat so fast7 D3 O& Q6 s; b! X) w1 q
I looked at you and thought. q8 p: R  Y7 V/ T8 @) {
Holy Jesus, you were so cute1 a" t2 m/ f: S! R

4 ?5 i" L: j$ I& x. KYou left me without a word6 E3 W7 B% d8 m: z3 `5 y
I have nothing except my emptiness
6 s/ V. G( b; Q# f5 K* dMy mood is like a cloud
$ E; m3 A4 f& c/ [8 T6 _' yHow could it be dispersed?0 s; c  ~9 G0 a1 q( H5 v0 h

# S4 k) Q& ^+ T$ Y  F$ i& X1 dFeelings bite my heart / c0 R/ ^1 e7 B, @
You are the right one I wait
0 [" C7 I. v) B) `$ TIn the depth of my soul
: _3 k3 [- p0 |* h1 Q" [I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美! e, t9 v: e* T- z  M! J
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道/ g% ~9 Q+ m5 n8 @8 }9 }4 s
就和用中文写一次6 {; S$ z) Y# n% m6 b% H
阿,我爱你
9 J* j" Y0 _; p. n3 p6 X- L1 y你让我心跳好快
: f* }/ l1 x0 _+ E( Z: p3 Z你让我脸发热$ g; D( Z# m$ X7 N
我爱上你的大嘴唇4 {3 [. s. c! |7 N& V
XXXXX& N- p' e+ H( [: r: u9 a7 o7 d
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?7 q3 x: H: Q  N, ^/ f

5 N" _6 C5 K# n* L6 U2 E如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
! C. \! ]$ R$ S7 B9 r/ C1 k至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 / X* ^* @/ y" Y$ P" ~
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美- T& q' D- j1 A% K2 B3 p
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 T& o6 Q9 R" g- A. u, z  r& o就和用中文写一次, A. }! u/ B; j& V. q; @" w' Y
阿,我爱你
* _1 s9 K5 Z+ [, s7 b! A! c你让我心跳好快. D& C2 l3 U5 u1 ^! b
你让我脸发热5 z; y0 X" T; `/ O
我爱上你的大嘴唇) t: p3 j  c3 P) y& Z: L
XXXXX' D3 I3 V' {' M3 n& T
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

' ^4 m0 H! Q5 L; D
! D+ w5 }2 y+ ~6 S7 q靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.' n4 e( E7 e# [: v7 Q5 z& n; n4 O: J
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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