Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

% o" D" b$ w& s; a  \The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

+ \1 |6 y* Y0 Y, n, Y, P! l$ l1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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* g+ C3 g( |/ [+ ^5 C! k: w6 l1 [2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 U/ ]1 y- {4 l+ V" k  s4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

- S( ]& v" f# y# [6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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! R3 Z* i( z4 S1 u7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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. z! N- \% L2 \5 D0 {9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

2 j- @0 I+ V! [9 t7 T% C: P$ i10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

& e4 [; m, G$ f4 }4 ?12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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9 ~3 u" D! |+ O% |& M% q13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

" _7 H( }. X7 V14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

8 s* T1 n: O, O) N16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.