Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

* O2 s/ H: {  K: G6 j& vThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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& D$ a( s8 E! F9 X' Q7 _4 l4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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2 ]% Q$ k7 [$ N% Y0 k. x$ u5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

2 l7 N# G; t" H  ]$ q( L) D5 n; U1 K6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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$ s4 W* z5 x/ ^/ e7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

) d* ^. b/ V4 T, |2 _) V! T10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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: e! R* L# a3 q: E6 D: O. P11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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" D- Y4 k; N; h6 W12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

2 r$ K9 S) C3 Y! o, {' Y. {% E13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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  v' `( h7 G) @2 ~16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.