Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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1 H" |5 a$ ~1 ?7 U; E) EThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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/ P  ~* S: t: {4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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3 e7 n* m5 ]- F0 Y8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

$ D( m! Z* \; d. q9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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+ ~/ c6 j% _9 `10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

2 O" W: u' D, i, z, x/ z  A13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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1 h2 C! j7 g$ t) G- j( a4 N15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.