Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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8 n! v* B6 V) i2 O5 M4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

3 [$ i! M9 U  ?. v/ e( C5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

+ o- X# `6 y  D9 o5 b( l7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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/ x- L9 Y6 A- W9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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% p" D) J2 v; }* G2 l+ p) H; h& [11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

6 t. l! A: S2 u) G  N0 _12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

# K! Y$ ?; O* K$ ~14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

7 T& G$ [% F* F+ N! x16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.