Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

: F5 t0 R8 B" K* |9 E- V. t4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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0 ]# H8 y0 o+ j# s! f6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

0 w( O; m+ ~4 o( k& Y* F- @8 {7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

' r' V9 ~+ e: o  E6 C3 C9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

9 E' ^' n2 X. B* t& H9 m11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

) F3 R: z& o, P( H) I" }12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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4 R: @$ e, \: j& O; U+ T+ K! p# e13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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5 x( f, z; o9 `: J14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.