Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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. e6 Y, v/ s0 n5 X1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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) T% J" n; s  X2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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8 ^2 o0 ?7 ?8 z# Y6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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$ I, T6 l  ^& `8 m8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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% [- C4 @" `: }, h" a9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

- O" }# T! o( |12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

0 }0 ?! m6 w: z/ K' T15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

& O1 ~7 M' k: Z$ P, Z7 l0 ?16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.