Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

1 P, o& y# o0 h2 Y: [3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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. a# \, ]9 Y0 N: C4 y$ n4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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+ m% G+ [5 f; k4 V0 a2 a! t/ u4 V; }" b6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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! `- [- r1 x3 t8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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/ [$ e  z3 k1 j  o9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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9 k  Q6 R4 E* i5 ?9 D- t, `10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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) S+ T! b0 J& i3 `- v12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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/ D9 Z1 T) q5 T; ~% b& ]13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

  ?% T! \1 M/ y4 j, Y9 {+ d* m4 }14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

* [/ N/ N+ M$ }# g; p8 j15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

& _# z7 q7 P" l" y16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.