Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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$ d; r& [- K" c+ _9 ]The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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+ P% R7 l" ]( b8 I1 `9 z3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

0 k0 Z/ e( }/ ?& Q+ m4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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( i2 ]+ i% j9 c: \6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

+ ]0 Y! p; M& s$ ?9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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3 I  W  [1 c! _# E; h12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

1 H% e- J* V' l: t13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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* t# S6 s' ?% I0 e, Z" D14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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1 t1 w: q- N3 X- ?/ ^9 w. Q( W15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.