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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something4 G* V3 x% B, y- |) n; Y
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get3 _+ d( q& z5 G' F. L$ U4 d
into a regular workout routine.
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1 _7 _ e, V* y% i. h x4 ?Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a0 N f% J( y% E& B- H( Z
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I) I$ S5 q% c$ ~2 n( R6 L
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 255 g9 ?8 i" P+ J+ P1 f- q
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
3 o, {& e0 D/ D* _: Utry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
9 C6 t3 j# U2 B1 C5 j2 t9 pnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
9 a8 I+ Y' Z1 q- ~% y& Yinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.1 {* P3 u/ M& H8 s, \
$ U; F$ W8 m0 d r! tMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
7 }, z: z% @; x( Sencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.: z y1 J1 V/ o5 z* w! w, x
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well; {; a( \ y8 ^ q" G# R B) S/ _; A* _
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for# J0 o) k4 ^. V' T4 T
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing; y/ ~( ]2 Q9 D# d
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!- S- O; ~ @1 U; Q' a
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
/ @' `4 W0 Q! Z3 \+ ?4 H/ vthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
. ^0 J! s. D: l# L! Ain her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
. Q0 e- K7 j: Iwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.6 O" Z; A# g) g& p$ Q% z& m
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,) A) E, ~! X' G: g5 v" V
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she M4 X% i2 R! Z" C. G+ J: n
was around.; i( ]# Z& f, W+ @. \8 N
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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. E; x) w" `: _8 J+ w5 rTUESDAY:
. T" E6 ^+ `- Q* WI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.) y4 I+ B! {% j. J7 C+ n" Z- o, A' a
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,6 z3 a/ S. ]* X1 T& z
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the' g F6 m; d5 n; C$ C: z# l
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it3 E& _( ~/ b- M, P0 e X
all worthwhile./ |6 h5 S; P; s+ `- K* P
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
: s# d' j, r* FThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
u! Z8 g, t. a" J# r% Qthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
n6 x O) v; M$ ^* L/ Ba hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
4 q# K" O' F7 w' Gsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams: V0 D- y/ p: S7 f: H, D
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
9 j4 }8 N6 h+ s% x2 \+ Zearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine2 i. y% x2 z. r- T
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
- _: G6 I, U! D" b6 ?( b0 F% _6 [Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
4 D f7 r7 J+ V! P( v: c! hmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda5 [4 O# G# o6 H: }( P0 {9 K4 v: O
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.2 z' A- U, @' b8 t( p, c9 n
' g% ` n$ ^) T- g8 W4 E# \THURSDAY:1 v' G9 r# n5 @ Q9 V/ z
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as: b# N- Z7 d% t) z8 n
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help$ i( K) l$ s+ }/ P/ w/ L
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
( q* A& F0 k5 C2 T! @! otook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
( T6 O& W+ Y% h* a6 c0 Ohid in the men's room.
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* b) H3 P$ l* T: X2 U$ l+ hShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing9 @, s- N. X, V) r! V5 y( p$ v
machine -- which I sank.
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' a. W; q z4 t* h; D/ `FRIDAY:
9 k; e9 U& @5 S/ J; N; SI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
) b3 {) Z8 [' f: C yany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
6 O( w! [" Q5 e; |2 D6 T: t) |anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
+ e- T* ~* ^+ X$ Q ^' U3 k( [could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
* u, C' p" f' \" ]8 f+ cwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me- C" S3 k6 f6 @: e- q. F
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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# W% F3 Z" D$ E8 G7 IThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
4 O+ W0 E( Z$ `- A" gteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach. U: C8 r& B1 m; G" Q# O
or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:" o, R) V' s4 f: ]- y
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,; h5 Z5 b% Q: Y6 k7 R
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her* a0 h* k! u9 r6 |3 a9 H8 _
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the. r: e0 V# u. q$ J1 D
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight/ Y6 |' N% z$ T4 f
hours of the Weather Channel.4 m8 o n. e* e+ h. G# ~; }0 N9 K0 |
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SUNDAY:0 a' ` f( o% \% |3 X
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go4 f+ x/ n; y Z! B
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
. S, `2 {4 E3 wmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like5 s5 k6 P; D) h8 H7 i: ~0 `8 Y
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
