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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something# p: v+ s- s* d7 @- Z
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get3 s$ T% W( i) n5 a
into a regular workout routine.
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5 U- t1 Y1 Y! O) u$ JDear Diary:
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( R1 ], x/ g: C# K- ?" ?For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a5 j& u4 W8 ~" u+ b
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
( f' l( k& ~# ]4 M( {/ Dam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
* u) F( D+ T/ Oyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
. y" Y) J9 P7 {- T# Y, p! o4 w& Y( Itry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer( u1 B: O, ^1 S. I& X; p# B; w
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics- R( N5 c2 G# b d/ K, t3 F5 Z7 M
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.: J+ U5 Y. B/ a6 |# X/ E. C
! b; `0 J A+ \2 pMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club5 D# w/ U' g1 l0 J8 U
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.% [2 @- \3 O1 @+ d6 ^8 d8 A! Z
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well# b. [; P; v P6 y# ]; O) g' q7 j s
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for6 Y L# z5 v( T- Y# f8 F- }' k
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
: ?% F( u" p: Seyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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$ o( e8 W& u i/ U( [She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
2 V" M3 b! c* n, Xthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her) t! l7 H m; c5 v# z$ S
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 o8 q3 F2 v1 E5 fwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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! b v( M1 \- @4 k* N2 n2 G. QVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
3 c. G. V2 a+ |% Jalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
p8 `+ f; Q# J; J- W6 owas around.% S3 P% M2 m4 Z3 `$ X
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!# C7 V( ]0 N! c$ W
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TUESDAY:/ |/ j$ u5 |4 O5 H5 b9 z
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.$ j' S) _: l% A7 Q/ q: J1 _
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,7 M7 X/ c# c4 @
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
. ~; H8 G1 O1 V" Streadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
5 Q: T8 e5 R/ x* aall worthwhile.+ K" ^3 ?% I: l m) F
- n7 H P- l4 CI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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/ D9 T5 b& r' M" \WEDNESDAY: `# |, D( w' E/ i
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
+ Y1 O( f, U" b; \5 f" k, Ithe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
8 ?4 [/ y" x: T! M$ k" Da hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to2 J! j9 e2 G; [* b) n
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams$ e9 A6 }; f$ h, _
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for" @! j- m4 g& d4 s' d' \# {
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine |! g$ m; f) @+ O
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so* j5 W$ Y6 R2 }# I9 z t3 `
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
* u3 o% p9 ]$ \machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda! z: p% P- E3 J6 U, C
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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: A$ s* x: E, U7 g9 L. \1 IShe said some other shit too." ^ D) H, x; y8 p
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THURSDAY:* w' a* S8 m6 P
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
3 Y0 N# o1 }/ T6 Lher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help5 E8 I6 B9 J7 v7 a( z. Z
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda! W k) D) { z3 f4 O
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and2 p; l: e& O \$ q/ I5 v
hid in the men's room.& \) C9 s1 P* m) g6 W3 z
* {. L; \! m5 {& r9 E/ d8 m) ^She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing7 x" z# R3 r! S2 `
machine -- which I sank.
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+ l2 u( O8 P1 jFRIDAY:
& W& X% | k5 T: |5 @, U+ d( z5 wI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated1 t( T3 H1 z( z. ], g; p2 C% Q8 l9 }
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,* d0 r6 ~5 A# w: e- ^0 A% s( D& L
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
7 A* k& G- G" |+ \: Dcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
* L) n/ r. M7 @wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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' a% |3 P0 ]" E8 K9 _) B% ~& ^And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me5 V, ]5 {! j3 t' B/ N. a
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition/ E# t, c0 J9 v! @
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
+ }4 r$ E: c) V$ Kor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:. ~; I: v2 b! i) z$ e
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
p6 \" E/ g6 mshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her0 z! B2 ^4 l( J$ @! _5 G. }
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the0 X2 j4 ~+ M3 n/ k& l+ H
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight6 Z, |5 [2 \% Q; O! K2 C5 e
hours of the Weather Channel., p# L+ \7 e. d* d h" S' E, O
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SUNDAY:1 N! J/ y4 ~ Y, H& G8 R( p
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
% q5 ~0 i) v5 Sand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,! s) a( ~* [4 T3 N6 m# n
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
" y* I- K# P$ ~9 ?a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
