WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
2 e7 O* r) |& m7 ~$ Finto a regular workout routine.
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" X# V8 q) `; c$ ~Dear Diary:
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, a! u, d8 H* F4 b" p. V3 uFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
. E4 ~- t1 U7 l7 P" wam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
9 K) W0 M- r3 a: ^7 r( m; qyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
( `/ B, n, o* W9 p2 P, Y# @# Kinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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  ~3 R* r/ K  d$ v2 IMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
2 h5 m6 n8 N& B' P6 y" z8 Q8 I. Uencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

( K  u3 L" R' I; i- g2 IStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
3 `, S2 p9 a8 O: j! X; ?worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
+ A6 [- E' @" ^; ?" o
6 V" r1 u4 S' V. `. G! gShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
3 T$ P! Y. W* s- C4 _that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

* d. N  L  e, [% h9 s2 i2 UVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
9 X) u# N9 B$ }+ g2 nwas around.
2 F: {/ ^2 Y5 b4 R
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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. {$ U' i* O/ s) pTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
/ S: {% b0 I9 w* _Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
) |2 L) [8 B. C0 gand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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) y6 [3 X( w# e$ z: t0 r. eI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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6 ?* M+ Q4 C' D  X& T, h3 TWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
3 H; R; g7 N0 ]1 Uthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
4 r! y( b& V* Y3 y0 d5 m: Da hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
$ _+ P( `' h! u* f$ l* R, wsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
# n0 K; S, ~& \3 aearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
9 S4 C* i) s" T9 d1 g$ s% Jmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
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! s  ?$ d3 O7 eTHURSDAY:
( q: q5 T& K! LBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
1 d1 U  y) g6 ]: K) c* C1 C9 `her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
6 m  s$ c& {# {* V1 W& rbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
% P; _: Q7 _2 J6 U# Rtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
* P; ^: S. R# k2 k% gmachine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
2 U, M$ i( L1 v3 oI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
7 Q2 s" K& ^6 H. Z$ xany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
2 p2 o8 k5 Z2 Q. Panemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
1 |3 o$ X! O* z8 B7 m. x2 N2 x: W' Cwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

( q: J, F2 J; C% {3 mAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
& s  ?, j  T1 U/ i2 G  nthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
! ?" ]# p# C% I
4 ]. O6 Z; M6 s9 d# tThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
, d: e/ _# E( |, x1 D$ q( s6 gor the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
! ]6 p. d+ W4 V4 z* g: ]made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
0 R  N2 J( r& K, [: ba root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.