 鲜花( 0)  鸡蛋( 0)
|
If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
/ t' u! X* E% x& E, z' ?% U3 Lwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
) r' P6 J4 ]- M1 D/ U2 Ninto a regular workout routine.
; k* T5 a( w* b! @8 t
3 \! f/ a: z" M/ M- C- n0 y* ^& M8 DDear Diary:
) H& `9 B, c2 Y9 `+ Z" X) ?1 Q) V1 n& F4 P
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a7 O! X: Y( y. e
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
# n* n3 t; Q% zam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
6 C% y. r, G0 i0 Yyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' g* D) [/ F# q- X% S+ Jtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
- I b5 k: I2 u1 ]* Cnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
3 N$ y' f8 D5 t# `7 q; f0 S4 uinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.# s% u4 p' @% U4 q. J
3 j o* J+ g( M/ E
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club( `0 L8 |. h! T9 `% r# u
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.- e) n! ^% d% S
' i6 Z8 Y# ~8 z( l/ ]MONDAY:& x4 d+ u9 `2 X2 w! Z+ J- L+ o
9 A( `( v5 d0 G- aStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
7 Z% O+ D i2 _! t s$ C% ^worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for; T+ ?* B- k8 f
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing8 z( }& v( X0 G
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
5 |: w. Y/ o! G
, w0 C6 [; C( h1 P" V- S9 ?She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed1 {$ M5 J$ } W; g
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
/ _$ D8 \) y6 rin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
9 O) P: k) l1 Y3 gwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
( c9 H7 `$ J* s. ~1 d3 Q% F0 N* H0 Y
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
+ }9 T+ m4 ?3 j: Q$ R. S! talthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
9 W. Z! j1 c; Q0 W6 Dwas around.
9 |8 E, x$ x- k% M% b5 S, M+ ]4 L) j7 d# h9 O$ a/ _
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 [8 E0 O4 H/ _7 V9 h4 h+ |3 m9 F
$ M1 r& P: n; }3 J
TUESDAY:
6 A0 e2 j* i* C3 HI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
9 P& U$ ]! e0 _9 CBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
. |4 V& S' w: Y& m% U/ K6 _and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
) v* o J/ p0 U& Etreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it6 K* Q* u& k3 m0 H5 [: _7 {4 D
all worthwhile.
) X% J+ m/ d" d/ | h! x. j. R. G
5 f' K- H7 z; K% n" bI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
1 I9 b( z& b k* G2 ^3 i( c+ u" J2 g1 q
^ ~9 x6 W" m! Q7 R! C$ r/ x5 d: XWEDNESDAY:3 n5 h0 I8 p4 _: t- ?
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on- z9 J U% }! B, C! t
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have; ^ ~, P* ]* A
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to1 {5 w( V+ r, b& q) p8 \2 ?+ u
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams# H' E* m( j; |6 @) @" V; }3 M
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for6 ^; e t7 N6 S8 ?
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine8 j7 G* b# X1 {# ^5 ^9 M }
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so$ I) t+ t4 r1 ?" z7 L
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a' s% r: a6 H: t3 a$ V. x
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
7 T1 p/ L. c) M0 U2 qtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
$ p/ ^+ b' e+ o4 Y: J/ G. f0 Z
7 d: k8 v, _/ _; |8 o8 t' UShe said some other shit too.6 G3 `8 I. e( J4 y+ v4 e
2 n& Q( ]/ p3 E! _9 S [3 g
THURSDAY:
# T$ ?: n# L+ D7 zBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
/ N1 K7 y3 j5 D, R- q. ^/ N" vher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
) D0 k* q! Z7 B: N. m& _% E& R8 }being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
' h0 k! y! k, K% vtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and- }0 |" I/ _! T) m
hid in the men's room.2 ]; B4 h5 S3 b! O: o2 c) l# y
. z, Z ~- P1 J `- B+ NShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing+ x* |8 ]& F8 C. [' L+ V, l2 A! R" O
machine -- which I sank.
8 \+ ^/ V# X# t+ z4 r- _1 Q/ @/ f
FRIDAY:
5 m: ]- _' a1 Z6 i# m. M8 L0 dI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated% q6 x+ v' `/ S. q9 U
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
& V0 d% M/ P9 b# \- u( {# H5 _5 |anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I! B- c2 |4 O8 B F" z8 v8 [
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda1 q* i% X( R7 v
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!5 x. Y0 _3 j2 f( w9 ~
% N- I i+ O- a6 H% zAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
5 p" U5 j$ ~# Z, p2 B* _: L% n3 _the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.6 z T4 S- O; h
* p1 F; i, S4 u: kThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition, p3 T# V' a8 a/ q1 H2 P
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach: `! L. O2 M, L% _( |' G2 d; n3 l9 ~
or the choir director?+ X6 a; G# v0 A/ W3 ^5 d
/ S" C0 A; I# H& q8 n O2 u4 m
SATURDAY:
6 B3 N0 s* _9 J, ^0 ~& r: MBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,% r: X# K' a5 R
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
% z( E7 ]$ h- O3 a! D( j' s+ j3 t+ lmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
- Y& v8 A% y/ p" kstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight' ?" c2 P$ W$ ~2 J. I
hours of the Weather Channel.. O9 ]5 r% y6 L
) H. n5 P# I# i9 _3 e: { \SUNDAY:) l! _1 m8 A/ \( X/ o" R
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go' E+ f! L% S' h& c( Y* C$ W0 @& v
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
* Q- P7 T/ e: J8 I$ H' x# smy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like7 D# g( P- F: w
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
|
狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
提升卡
置顶卡
沉默卡
喧嚣卡
变色卡
显身卡
发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
