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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something" T1 K" v- m7 [! ]+ x
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
, ]* v( c, o! z5 Einto a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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n9 E# I9 b) xFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
1 ?8 c/ |4 [% P# K6 N* cweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I$ ^# m5 B. n2 g2 Z% P
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
1 ~# q; z: y w- h0 G& T8 Uyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
e4 d. |4 W/ I! W- etry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer8 N. W/ k) K1 }" y3 u
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
l& s7 e; L2 ^/ r# _2 K( |instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club. n' k. }, P6 F1 l
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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" q \, v ~$ m' m: m PMONDAY:1 c* K" w/ x# ~1 I g& ^
/ i# p! l* g6 G$ O9 |Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' p& n3 ^6 d/ O" ^0 Tworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
% D- p" A7 \7 d: Yme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing( x% T/ H0 O0 X" t) q% q% n
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!0 |3 D. Y8 r u8 n8 [5 m+ A) k0 @
4 }' S( l1 g- F+ `' J7 |# d) nShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed1 S8 n0 d" T! ^* D* z! X
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her1 Z. {1 U" Z4 n2 s4 v
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in& m5 ?) l% E: ]6 C- ~' E
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
% U2 _+ b* P0 X! A3 S. Qalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
F9 M5 I; z) C% H& [# n' hwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!% ]/ o W" ?0 d( ?" H. l
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TUESDAY:; F# \7 g' I5 i W b& q
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.( k( y, o" U/ V* v% e2 Z
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
! A2 G [& i2 Gand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& y7 A+ \8 O( S3 K1 gtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it; E' L: s% u5 G/ M( |
all worthwhile.
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* G b4 e& E8 w5 g( i; l# cI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.$ x3 c# \- L& N
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WEDNESDAY:
2 [9 _" c; X0 n( l. f5 \ ~The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
0 ^6 ^: N5 R: w9 w. X9 t" u0 Pthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have* J7 j- o1 b' x, V+ f6 K# o: W
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to" e+ Q( [8 C+ Y1 F/ |9 c7 M/ U
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams; c% i/ ]8 a$ K# A# q/ [. ]7 _; g
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for- g: M [4 w y/ m8 N, m, D/ Y
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine& h! S% B3 ]$ O+ f
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so B) @: w8 {5 o- ?2 W+ D
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
! k5 R, m- V+ ~) N; }- s& j5 Emachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda( C) \$ y9 C) h1 V9 M
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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' p* s" e2 D+ hShe said some other shit too.$ ?: ?: F" {$ `1 O, {" Q6 ]
, M- g7 X7 } L4 E3 jTHURSDAY:; [( H" t& z5 `
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
! E3 Q6 @- ]/ U: \7 wher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help8 \; B3 C# w: ?* m; M; T- R
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda% J& j0 L: Y# ^7 q8 v) r+ p
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and4 u! m0 s. x( v+ g1 i
hid in the men's room.
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9 i) i7 k) p$ i8 j" m* o- l" ^- ?She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
& G; ^7 ~. `5 N3 qmachine -- which I sank.; X( V, T; e+ c" [2 r. R' \
* d `1 ?4 ^! B* r3 aFRIDAY:% i" L" u$ A$ _4 G, N
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
8 n$ V8 Y( L$ g% H U& bany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,8 P( U& n* n& w' Q
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I4 Y7 `. i& Q6 ]
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda4 ^ W5 j" L) O
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me4 g, o4 z" ]( C" x
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition' ]1 Z# L! o/ v2 z1 j: {: x
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach6 v& p y) J6 k; S# \) N
or the choir director?9 s; R- x* W$ @( K6 N3 W5 T
2 F+ W% `4 O) O( | ?SATURDAY:+ M7 X0 ^ h" ]
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
4 U/ m, G+ H; k5 ^shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
& H) [& Z8 L+ |! n3 b: L5 m+ xmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
+ d/ z/ n N4 R, bstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
+ G" S$ n& ^# r9 u8 _hours of the Weather Channel./ ]: Z3 u3 Y! `5 j; z4 J4 z0 y
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SUNDAY:
/ C) B0 r! y/ v( v: OI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
) V' x$ }+ Q6 O/ O e4 gand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,8 b( }* t. v+ ]% X! I$ C# t7 E t$ m
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
- G" z0 q* U8 C* |0 ]; Y! u( V" ma root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
