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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
) R; i& g3 l) g0 t6 jwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get4 z# l, s* R( \- l M
into a regular workout routine.% y. F* _/ D! _, u1 g& t6 B2 i
4 m0 u$ P! _1 E) F+ _ iDear Diary:8 h! V8 o6 B+ Z4 Y* I
" W- E! r. x9 dFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a" x& [& R7 ?6 a2 q/ n
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I1 c1 v% r' v' k6 s- g: \
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25' c! B8 T' P. S2 J0 E' q
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
' }7 F- t) k# r/ Xtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
. @; m4 z* H0 A9 C% |named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
, Y" ?& s3 |' y1 q6 |" Ninstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club4 f m, C6 }# j$ v4 o2 G
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:) D# X. B4 @/ X3 C7 Q# G3 w4 d
# v3 S# l; L4 B% O+ N" \/ BStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well" k& L0 D, }( z+ E
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
) x3 J' d' C) e9 V0 lme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
P8 q$ b: W v2 y) P; u0 G. aeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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* H! s! e/ u) c( g. t7 [She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed% T3 g% S" E! p! Z9 ?1 T% f7 v) a, E, G
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
# F" C# g+ |+ b4 y) }5 [in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
. M* w4 C$ }3 ^6 H9 ]which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.% r9 x" x' s+ L( n. j- t( D
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,8 t6 y) V( C- c
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
, L" S0 ?$ R1 R0 N! owas around.
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4 N- y1 w" i# U: UThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!& w" j. `2 s- t1 C( P/ c% T& h
4 ?# z( g- y0 q x4 Z a, a, HTUESDAY:
! V, P# x3 ]* d. [9 |4 @+ f* wI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
7 Y7 Q. p, ?# k6 {5 \Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
( b3 [4 @( S% g" Xand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
. f+ T1 k, ^. U# {8 h7 J n4 |treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it, ~$ }8 ?& j: p" g; }8 E# d: W6 O
all worthwhile.
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& B" a" n& W$ ]' W& C; {I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.. Z8 C, h6 U T8 `
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WEDNESDAY:2 [% B& w8 I0 n4 Q1 b. H& L! [4 W/ i
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
' [4 L2 G/ ]: l7 ~& uthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have9 N2 g; {1 n( W, |8 E- y1 a
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
( ?3 D8 Z# U5 y N- isteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* z4 U8 E( m; cbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for$ b0 Z/ \; C* a3 W0 E
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine. O1 R6 s4 J6 Z4 Z" t& V! H3 G
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
3 _! i& I+ h1 b' F5 ABelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a1 Q+ P, s4 w! V9 i; t _
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
8 B1 F8 w1 G1 y* {% Ttold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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" u$ b& j! {6 d* L3 g( jShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:, N% i; z, c+ l/ x- F
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
; y3 o8 d/ C: u$ _her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help" U) N* M: g$ e
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda! l$ C. _2 Y4 c8 f! h) T% [
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
$ ~2 s3 A% g8 n# Khid in the men's room.; y r! I6 E& L$ v
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
D) a! r1 A; S0 M# nmachine -- which I sank.
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; k4 p* r2 y: [2 z& }9 WFRIDAY:
+ S6 N% b" c5 v& D' S4 J6 o! qI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
, J6 m8 Q+ r8 \& z5 z& h' t4 v- Aany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,4 q" S1 X3 S9 A/ J5 Q! y
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I' r$ o" a$ T0 N' `3 l
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda" Z. _% R. U" p6 _- |+ D
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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" H# S! F6 b; u5 ZAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me$ P# S4 l$ S; F
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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' F' M! [4 W# Z! t- ]0 r5 x) hThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
' \ |$ w' t. d; Xteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
/ p9 H, y; D* N; l/ ]or the choir director?% }0 l9 M; F4 X8 }+ i: W0 Z
& I" b0 P) y+ d0 P* K. i# l6 lSATURDAY:* M% Q- V. `- ]' l
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,2 q- x' ~ a8 L1 s, V; w
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her, M9 j7 [: g. [
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
; O4 {& R5 {6 U! bstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight$ X6 r3 W# A: {6 X2 U: [) D* h7 ~
hours of the Weather Channel.
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& Y; D! @4 y0 H) z/ @' ^; lSUNDAY:
1 p+ P2 o, r: oI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go/ n! C# h0 j# v& _
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,% p% F+ x3 r- \0 ]
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like/ P! d. y. ^; H+ K! E- x d
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
