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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something& J* h9 f! B; b c) h2 K* \) p% K
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get2 W" K# c; H" R8 g+ S8 e' _
into a regular workout routine.
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$ T! W9 k# v8 o) }# e$ t; d7 JDear Diary:) E7 _" \ y# h4 H
2 X d" _6 B6 ]. |: c NFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a1 u- s: k5 p# h- S+ F
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
) P1 R Y0 d) C! `2 X4 mam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
4 T) f i0 P% l9 R% h' Wyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
* _! u3 k' }' htry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
' M5 X# E0 _ K* q% l$ I& @named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics" L) t' N9 K6 l o3 g+ [
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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1 d2 u9 s$ g. i& RMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
. ]8 u+ S/ d4 l: u6 o! M( qencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.4 k& g6 Y+ i2 E
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MONDAY:8 h0 T& s, N i3 {2 l" L4 v9 j
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well+ ]$ a* E3 c0 f! b+ w
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
# V6 Q+ Q- v7 q4 c* E2 r: ^me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
! M7 T! P* p) Beyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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! E( v$ |% i- u2 g3 ]She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
# @$ o( X# z* u4 |8 Y, [7 L4 gthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her) {3 E: Y* ~0 B, a2 y% K# m
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
$ X5 z* e, B. ~which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
1 A8 F, w9 q2 W" Q3 l# ~3 ?although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she+ P6 X( y2 S, @
was around.
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6 V K* V3 G; V9 Z3 g! q8 bThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!' ?, M9 u( r F7 c
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TUESDAY:2 F' s s) P7 h3 H8 M0 M7 F
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.; H0 k/ X2 T3 s
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,. t* n# e, }# h9 y
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
! h/ ~, i6 x( m0 L+ `treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it+ h& E7 p/ C% C# t$ e3 W* \* N; n
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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% q, v9 S3 d H; nWEDNESDAY:
, D- Z9 m, Z" e8 x2 uThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on9 O7 p) f4 L% w$ } [; ~8 j
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have- _+ L% y$ `! ]# G
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
2 |* N) P: |5 Q" @$ M' m& usteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams' S! e- D& [2 f5 G& d
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
. _6 o8 B S8 \ Y! Aearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
7 q W. o6 x- Y# ethat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so4 D5 M9 K0 q- G' D) }
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a- {( L Y; b- g3 V7 r
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda+ \. @' _% g" ~8 C1 M% G" E' n5 Q
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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2 [9 {6 @+ q) j- AShe said some other shit too.
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& Z" J( c+ Z oTHURSDAY:
, y5 T+ q/ g2 {. X. kBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as% K9 s0 r( c) F j# G9 J
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help# `5 X! K6 M: g! Z
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda, D, i, {, n- [. n. A/ V. S, w' p
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and! l9 i$ l$ Q" `
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing: {( {! j! n$ `
machine -- which I sank.- [. W# l" D5 |
+ K V: y1 O, P; {: k9 G4 I0 p( wFRIDAY:
) \% z4 x: W3 {4 D5 A$ fI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
/ ]. t5 ~; H3 S9 ]4 N Many other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,( j& l% ~9 x2 s
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I/ Y! E' W, K3 R) k2 k, s
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
' }/ V$ Z" z# W6 Bwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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! q3 f& M/ l3 NAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
7 y+ Y2 I4 d( k Zthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.+ Y2 |* }0 d/ Q8 r4 V4 ^& v
8 o ^; q, Q7 J) s
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
3 [. `: b# L3 ]3 Uteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach I! l: A% \# v4 }
or the choir director?& \! h- S# ?0 s' l- r+ {# i
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SATURDAY: Q2 ?' S0 ^7 u* N* }/ D
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
: t* G5 b" n2 G5 s8 d. Wshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her4 X; m$ l2 E4 x# X0 ?* U+ e+ ]
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the' [( h+ L, R5 f
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
0 b4 r Q* m/ X ~) B9 l& c; q% xhours of the Weather Channel.
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+ N3 ^6 j8 A8 X, q- g2 oSUNDAY:
" _1 n5 c0 V9 r4 w& r2 {I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go/ k# I6 A. G3 X6 g% Z
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
( K5 [/ C$ e, v* w7 ]) Omy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
1 d1 _! \& p0 o9 q8 e/ E& Ba root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
