WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
/ K; |" i5 x. B2 Y6 V7 u+ {into a regular workout routine.
" L- ?+ c9 J7 _1 p; r4 z
Dear Diary:
2 P0 F5 ~# ~: b+ A
) a7 t# Y; @% d; L6 l' @  gFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
; x3 ?" s4 s3 J% d/ u4 k- qtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
% J  K6 y# B1 O/ Z* W' j! q
6 V" V  Q; v7 E1 l: A: ~* mMONDAY:
6 o7 z; t1 Z/ I- Z% P
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
5 _1 R1 D$ s4 n/ d6 Iworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
5 M( @, e5 R+ E/ }6 @eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
/ ], O% n, j& o( F
: e  n( w. w+ _( pShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
, L8 K2 d( b) z* Ithat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
7 C. @! a# D2 I% ]' f3 _
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
& o! N3 E( h6 Z( H9 v) t5 u
8 O5 i) j0 _, k7 k  n, c% MTUESDAY:
. v0 g1 _- L# R# B! ^1 mI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

- [/ Z) x6 ~6 tWEDNESDAY:
+ Z: P4 |7 H! Y/ g# d, ~The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
  ]" `3 S! L0 J9 kthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
) c/ t9 H! D. K3 y2 X4 I3 qa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
( L$ V. Y# \  X- z" [  O) Wbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
5 a# [* `; f6 m) o' searly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
5 |% e$ g5 ~7 {) ?2 j
She said some other shit too.
0 s; J! t8 T0 f+ h% ?0 I
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
# x% q; R4 a5 ^0 ^- I' @her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
9 f% I0 E0 n1 t" p( H/ U$ {3 F/ Jhid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
; c- ~: i+ f: m6 b( ~1 z8 U9 `) a
FRIDAY:
  B$ }8 [( _) H, ^$ A9 L  k7 r6 WI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
% B. O0 k) p" _. C/ x% b9 hanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
4 V( |7 V0 g+ f0 M+ m/ A$ Lcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
+ P/ Y" g6 F8 m8 f0 a0 n8 l/ {* [wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

2 L  K; R5 K; g& m6 [( |And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
, e* k* W2 ~: F" G2 i" Zthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

. T; l* n. V; _8 n# XThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
9 P% z6 u' f, u5 p( ~teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
9 g8 a/ B7 W+ M6 i" for the choir director?
0 X9 _/ c4 l3 b
* k8 n# a) k# r3 O7 [8 SSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

& r, }$ r, U( G- a( J' \SUNDAY:
/ k5 v9 F7 `% A( R9 ZI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
& w. m# V8 Y1 g6 J+ ?a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.