WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 ?& J: R& S+ Ywrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
7 H+ W1 \, n. n8 v2 n7 V  e( sinto a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
. l7 w. |3 K& i
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
5 i, L8 j5 ^- ~' z- `* Unamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
$ V: o( b2 F+ pinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

7 v  s0 p$ ^6 E8 A; ]: I( S& g4 ^My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

6 x7 s& p9 v0 I6 qMONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
5 A. n9 v; T0 k1 w' r, [$ @% Rworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
& r# N2 u  n9 r; wthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
6 Q1 ^6 A) S" Xwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
  L; L7 f- J8 e; F1 @; I3 |was around.
9 G! D- c5 f: R" q* V
7 @" V/ o2 U" M2 _5 O& I8 G: eThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
) J, X# W5 @3 E* j. F( _7 qI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
7 C/ e( \/ G# n) `Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
) N! v$ ?9 c& t* h3 b# f" jall worthwhile.
& i2 s/ _# j9 z7 m: \* E/ {( V
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

* E/ I0 U+ Y  m. aWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
7 {4 R( i. v% e6 Z( P/ J* Xa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
' [* Y5 V: u: B! w$ e# D/ Yearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
1 D3 I# v1 h# JBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
" J6 _" `/ n3 T! e: `3 h9 i
She said some other shit too.
7 N& g( G, @, N) k' d
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 e. d6 l  q7 L% L% g5 N* |being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

/ o, \  T/ r( d2 tShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
; ^! Z, y& {* r& x2 ?machine -- which I sank.
# O8 e$ B3 i: C$ v' H" y2 g$ K
2 \+ z4 t9 U, g9 M! RFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
* {% n; O7 M% qanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
8 {: M* b  _2 R8 q6 i6 {5 Ccould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
$ }. o: R9 l6 k2 J$ k2 [+ }the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

5 z9 K* a# q0 p, WThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
- Y6 T% b8 o0 o! \' H8 e" J
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
4 J; T1 x( K& }9 @2 R# U7 emade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
% D" U$ F' @2 F/ A9 E- J: Hstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
$ r2 {/ O1 F5 y% ^, Fhours of the Weather Channel.
$ D! R% @+ a1 d( a2 g* c
5 w0 x, o9 c; y5 RSUNDAY:
' x) j0 i: r) I, I9 B% X. W) hI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
! U$ o4 g4 k  d; v; s" K* h# Oand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
2 F. r" D0 \9 t  a( n" Tmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
4 H0 ^) b% W7 Sa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.