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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something' S% u- J/ r) P4 M! c' p
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
9 A! K) F. ^: c" i% x: [1 E& linto a regular workout routine.
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7 a- |0 p. R5 b1 ]% }Dear Diary:7 p V! g: F. D' N
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
* ?8 _5 h4 G2 N! Eweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I5 ~5 D: s2 B3 E! F9 ~/ O. g
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
( o3 H& ?% f v' Zyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a' M4 D) m. D- k9 V. s v+ o
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
7 D$ b5 V' P: a$ j: j _$ pnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics- v% m; i9 T- b% y9 @* v2 H
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.1 } o* j, l4 K( y( G
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club1 ? ~: q2 n& h: T, b7 {6 B' ?8 e
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.3 F, [5 e9 l3 f4 U" Y; G* i
# H- H- |' q0 L' h5 P' @, GMONDAY:
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6 t2 c/ P' \ |' o+ v! _, LStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well" n: z, L9 ~) j j
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for; V+ A4 g% e' h ^$ @
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing5 n, u- u6 g( X t' P; ]
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!& w4 S/ j2 |5 w* W2 S3 n+ A
& u. d( e$ S( {2 Y( P& AShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
0 C- K1 Y8 b% B$ K8 U; ?& Dthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
3 U; c- i8 g1 U. j7 s+ Oin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
+ z8 T/ B' h! r7 a' h1 @which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today." }7 R5 J/ U# J/ [* t% @& s
: E. F& Q" O# u/ k8 b3 o- YVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,# M0 F1 W$ j4 W9 J6 D
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she0 c! @" l* K/ A* v/ T; M o
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!( l! o: ?; @( d0 N' E: H
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TUESDAY:
# l! v0 _. T- V6 S* K EI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 R# F' q. I: Y/ ]1 Y. G7 }Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,; f, ^7 r3 {( p( _+ e% a( |
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
4 U: O# u7 D2 S& A+ U# [% btreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
8 x7 u1 {2 z5 A# Y8 w9 K; N; fall worthwhile." e; e2 [" M0 O7 O% t% ^; o
* {- d9 c m- Q% XI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.& q7 C, _, {. o8 A1 R* Z
& s/ P3 x$ \* y7 P. U) ~) X! ]2 }WEDNESDAY:
/ q8 T/ y, Y" R& T( x5 k, m0 \The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
4 ]% K7 u% y6 m4 o4 o0 e6 _the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have: ]3 X& }& I9 m( ^9 {
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to% p+ V# [9 f$ d: ]$ J4 b w
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
4 |: j1 J1 P! N% Nbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for* x8 n( S# \9 C0 K6 o/ o: m) b+ F/ C
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine' t, V' W; M8 ^7 O
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
: J. P) q- R: o4 P* C; n9 MBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a9 [& D! Z E* V% ]1 g
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
1 t6 M& R' l. P0 U4 O) Xtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.0 I& @6 ?& C: F1 `, i* f+ y$ X
5 P8 G" k& O5 B9 F5 e
She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
( e+ Q7 S: v4 bBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
* f% D1 f8 {4 `1 y; z: x1 Sher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
2 c% q" y) B7 c! k* d& I* C$ ebeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda; O1 Z6 T" Z: J) a# `# q
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
8 S: t( b: u/ u& Ihid in the men's room.
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N3 B% f C0 j5 P) qShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
) g; Y& f$ W' Q% h! o/ Rmachine -- which I sank.+ b9 t! R: f/ h3 p( f- R5 S6 ?
1 a4 J( }6 Q g4 E& Z F8 ]FRIDAY:' V' L. J& {- R+ Q; P: \& y/ e
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated) R- h: K+ ` d& U ]; r/ M
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,8 G9 i5 g% T( J* X& w( [
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I6 g; z$ k9 B# h+ F# j8 i' V
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda6 e1 I% S* F' f8 o, v
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!4 l. A4 t0 ^6 ?6 J
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me8 G5 ]+ p C, a [! ^% C2 b
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition1 y) j* P) \ z
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
9 n& ~, A( Z( r3 e9 sor the choir director?
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$ F: N! t4 Y/ q3 ~, h2 {SATURDAY:
; N0 Y' O" W0 R; i7 i) \. VBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,: V% `8 }" M8 v
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her& |% p7 A: U4 z. U
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the4 Y. g) ^2 {3 B0 L3 {" E5 _
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight: w+ x/ j8 P+ Y
hours of the Weather Channel.
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- L8 J7 m( l( \& p! ?) Z5 YSUNDAY:
" E( e7 q9 T. A: lI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go( r! x& |0 Q8 Z* c& ^
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,1 b; l$ S6 L* z5 E3 b5 ?
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
& [& \& M$ G, B1 i" |a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
