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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
* B) [' H, M$ d. hwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get. x7 e5 ^8 h2 A* R
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
9 j& z; Q) s7 l2 B, rweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
]+ n4 u; \% ^$ B" _8 a7 fam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
# |5 k5 E2 \8 S6 E d3 }years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
/ @$ M( t( t0 {: K8 x0 Ltry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
7 S9 d8 S/ D& p, Pnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
: C* K( q7 z g0 Dinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.! i- J% O- Z# ?# E4 x' a. p
U; C, |$ b: h5 {, s. D+ O. T
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club& T' R3 L8 J: ?( E
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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' Z& W: ^* M# v: @7 M3 cMONDAY:
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. J/ F$ ^8 A) Y8 w7 }! ]- I5 w& JStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
( W7 V+ X P( t7 C# Lworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
- y8 y! k6 R7 O! ~9 i6 qme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
* Z) G2 x" f. L _eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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, Q, j9 U& x5 Q- q, J; O, O9 gShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
# Q+ }3 U6 c" S5 Z$ Cthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
; s( g0 }1 \1 j* G' r. K# Hin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in; s8 b \: N; q( P/ v- W! q( O
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
! k6 }6 x% `9 o" w$ W( r6 \ lalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
* I) s% E l6 E' b% \% g& gwas around.
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; x# o1 S5 h7 Z2 w1 {This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:
- f' t* @$ {& z# {2 ~. R+ x5 EI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.1 j2 G* R9 }: R6 a
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
9 k9 W* u7 c6 f. R2 C2 s5 K& oand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
5 q# |+ `6 n" Q: ptreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
' z3 _7 _& S7 V+ \all worthwhile.
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* O! ~7 c: p2 E- eI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.& q3 F6 m6 x2 Y$ p+ Q
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WEDNESDAY:
8 E& O# n# [) @: m& }The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
! C V4 F. A6 H! K# m" o6 Q) hthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have* t) h+ g& Z- }+ m& F5 w
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to* ^9 `7 _% f4 N; G
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
" S- z2 G- q2 s# ~5 j: L+ D0 ubothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
( u0 @8 a \! qearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
3 j% m0 F" C) x& U2 s* x1 ~that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
( A9 j8 Y$ g2 Z$ vBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
. z% r9 w) D- n( Y4 L+ {8 W8 _3 Lmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
: |, w" D: y6 e& ctold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.9 p! A4 y+ z1 Q; H' O6 \4 j# P
, V3 Y: E9 I2 y# X6 h1 P
She said some other shit too., o) ]( X) q! p( D4 I
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THURSDAY:
$ J- C, W1 Z2 L7 F9 v* xBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as5 {. I& T. B. B, g9 X
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
4 A' C. U Z. l% D2 J; C/ Hbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda- e; ]' T5 L- P( W9 {
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
7 r4 G* c4 b, h/ i8 V; X0 Z1 h# _hid in the men's room." T( w4 X! L0 U( V( A, Y: u
) ]# p& E6 [3 a9 A4 \She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
+ U/ }, K- I9 J) u' Jmachine -- which I sank.
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& f/ w/ k) K# `! x# A! p$ [# rFRIDAY:7 E3 T0 y0 M3 k, J
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated- \5 Y7 \5 b& I P$ n) p! b0 \
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
7 S2 d1 G# w, c. o0 {5 aanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I6 [$ L! B: K9 z; p: t, n% w
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda2 J) j$ ~" W. M& K
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me0 ^% K x$ e5 Y
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.& Y# V b" o2 f1 y" m
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition. S$ v5 \* D) E; w: D5 n
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
& T, w: B, P6 P. p1 ?or the choir director?
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& `( ~! C9 @: }( U+ QSATURDAY:. N6 {8 g' d6 m9 q, v! _
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,7 t( u& {) R7 m2 q3 }; B
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her, T( a6 W7 ~- _: p
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the! w+ D3 I8 b/ I
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
H: s2 {- Z+ P& o4 w6 @1 d* ahours of the Weather Channel.
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& j: e9 H% n" X/ W+ [SUNDAY:" x8 b8 D" Q, N. K4 }
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
! c6 p! c, W% {) e5 ?and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,4 N7 F& z; |: o* e
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
% n8 l6 e$ g( _a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
