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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,3 Y# V7 c. O0 U& \
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
. o6 z5 [3 b. \零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
! I. x. Z/ M# Z3 H3 R3 Y. |) P7 @现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
+ x. y( J" P' X# ~' y0 y梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.3 _! `" E2 Z7 K  A( ?( Y
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.. M2 K1 t& O6 `: b6 R
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
5 z* p" p) s, q! q猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool./ F. B" `6 z/ d  Q7 I
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
% t' h2 X5 z- h7 ?( h我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
( {- g/ I; w9 y0 d: M8 l+ q那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。% Q3 K+ Z( l) j3 p/ t( V4 V% {. v2 K
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
  a* M0 J! L% ]4 j昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.+ M& F# u% A5 ?- y0 G$ ]
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.0 h8 Z# K1 [  j; P
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ; T$ V/ I1 S3 V& r6 `/ g3 Y$ M2 f
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?  e2 R' p7 F9 Y4 G$ g
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
3 Y) g! T9 f) k迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
* c* e1 _$ v; i& F6 M  W最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.% J- r; _: Z4 W
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
2 k( t1 H8 c8 w3 j5 XWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
6 b% ~7 I1 O- o% c2 |$ H多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
  k4 x( ?, B: b3 U5 f不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.+ ]' O0 V& ~/ ]3 {' b
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 0 k$ c; e5 Q' R. q9 m( H
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
6 }5 N- |0 ?' \, w5 P多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!4 I1 d' _6 Y  q$ m3 l! _8 E7 x
永难平息的泪
  a' o3 a, g8 M6 K  X3 ], X每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
) b' a  d& J7 M) E) v6 g! _~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
+ i% s, N* p  _, m+ l% Q当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
) D! u5 p+ {. N1 A4 j让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
: t5 ~+ p" m# a5 B, w' e/ O2 f; p你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul " [$ Q9 |4 v* N3 i1 D) U
一抹微笑;
  v  c/ J4 D/ |+ G一个手势;: r/ `& ^) J* X, C
一片话语,- Z1 ~) ~8 }# S; T) G
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
( M- W& |8 y9 X+ }6 v5 x: F3 W! c明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner  W7 `3 M! Z- S
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.. s$ U4 j, M: n: Y4 y" w
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
, C6 w) ?1 K2 R1 L8 @5 c7 g) H也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..) W: J+ h& {8 U% \: v! h. M+ i
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,# l) r& C- ?3 L+ X/ ^2 Q, L3 }
我并不以为然。
  f* Z" M* {  ]9 w$ g可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
$ m* w. f8 |$ }1 K  U8 O慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
: s# Q* I+ `: x被一种情绪所左右,3 D" M9 Z$ F# p7 B
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
4 w/ I; k9 {# L0 e5 x3 c即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you& Z; N9 ?6 J4 g6 M
也不问我是否喜欢你,
+ s( F8 Y0 w  u1 p; g4 I' v对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
" Q& [. O6 k, }; W1 @0 n只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
* G6 n9 v3 U& T1 p9 b: ?3 q) r3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
, a, o8 C9 j- J, S' Y8 `2 v3 g心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
4 \" y3 p- Y6 l$ H" V4 P  s2 X然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
2 m: V: ]3 U8 b. Y: d7 n' i你的身影已化成一种氛围,
# z7 b+ k9 f9 v0 @( T, X记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.- V$ z( \$ E1 G# `1 d8 `
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
* N) e% W# v  k# V7 M+ @随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
, {+ n0 z5 x% D. [7 ^1 e哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
3 E; L! ^3 W& a. }+ T7 P一种声音,and your voice, l0 F3 H& [. y" A+ i
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
2 s% Q% G" j7 |/ A5 u5 w掺杂著幸福的感觉。
) ~8 p* Q* m& h. C与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
: {2 ]0 m# W9 l: J( {1 ^象雪花般撒落在我的心田,$ V; b! V$ w$ `6 ^
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.' s4 `$ z- b  U- D5 f( P! `0 x: Y4 \
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。3 G" s7 \- d+ h0 ^, u6 n1 [
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss  p$ K7 W# a9 ?6 `- o" V9 k
有一个能够让思念的人,, M" g/ @7 R/ N( Q6 c0 b
其实也是一种幸福。, n) d: o* Q7 M5 c1 Q. _. u' ^
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. $ ?" @, X0 d9 l6 J, b6 \  U# ^
柔柔的海风,5 o3 z8 p. }8 n: Q! F
甜甜的夏天。
4 e3 h, z2 [4 A# H; i. k% U! @一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 6 F( W4 S9 `: S! c2 U2 @
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.0 v" _" Q. R* x( a1 B* Q
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
8 \% J0 L1 P7 j1 B0 b) Y想和你有共同的情结,* e8 p0 b2 P+ ~& i9 L
共同的心愿。
/ }8 e  w2 k$ L6 C! ~+ Y- o5 d, O# c% W- r
) C  v7 K# ~; C8 A/ `5 N' |/ L
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
. u6 |: X: I4 t5 |一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together. ]2 b/ U( r3 J; ~& V
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
& E1 M6 n; G' p( l9 X或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
& Y: ^: I3 {$ ?: E8 A6 z; a  D! W『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?2 w: h3 U0 {$ `+ P; E0 K+ i* v& D
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, + F4 P8 M0 h9 x
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
: v, e4 a, A( N; X或是轻轻的一吻,
) `# g. A1 r+ T# v$ M/ z. _7 A8 A再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
& C& _' i. e0 r/ G! _就足够了. That is enough.
2 k4 d2 Q0 Q/ v2 q6 f% X* X: p5 S这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
6 M+ Y; U  {, q( B0 n% R0 i3 @终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
2 V* [) n( T$ Y/ K6 P萌出了芽,/ D; L  ]: I7 v7 `
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing7 _+ @' g- \0 O/ g" i# p
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
+ I( Z# z7 T" A) \; |' J# ?/ }如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand! L  p  b* ^/ ?8 W7 H, n* ~
能够牵著你的手,
: T8 s% |+ i! x& v8 g2 }那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.9 b  }( @/ b1 t" R9 Q
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
& x) m, H( x4 q  C4 u( Y慢慢地细读,: A* d; E; y7 G6 l& ]% J$ }
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
7 c' Y) L  i1 J  g+ U在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
9 D+ x: W+ a7 R8 }) N6 u' w2 `7 i我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor . _5 C1 l, E! ?) |1 y" _
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
& i- {7 v, r4 G! P现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
" }7 O7 K# [: x" J1 [眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
/ D: a7 ]- M( Y. a; pchange to:lacked
+ p, A4 F" C/ \% i; _" `猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.2 x+ ^) w& U7 U
Cats often played at the whole hot night.. E; b; h) t( a) ~0 V
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
9 ]  n/ W. C! Z* N. D改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.: C# F! j* n/ l: B8 U
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
9 P' R; j6 f; V7 @3 d7 S; p该为:throughyour hands.
: E( z0 O# `7 q) \$ @8 V还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
* v# i8 E3 N- m* _8 j不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
9 R9 b5 j9 V5 C  p( G至少比我强。
. k& f- \$ z4 [+ B" s5 Q+ M$ i偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 1 B/ `2 a& `- O: S& D* l9 A
: ]- K( k" U0 O! v% Q
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
5 v, x$ y# I2 I8 m后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
7 a6 X6 J3 V% g谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.* _7 S  p. w- c& k
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:, [+ t  A, a; b8 |2 M$ v5 Z/ [
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.. X& N4 c2 b6 l, C* m
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.$ }% P+ b; H' ^4 _9 o+ }) P
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.) C2 Y6 m4 ~' k! |% n/ d+ M( V
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
) e$ X- L0 w. j- x2 r9 t. N+ i1 GSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.* v  K9 j, x; K3 ~- C1 O$ e
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:) d0 ^. Z  m! M3 [! z# F5 C
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
/ Q4 x3 e6 U1 Ylike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.& [) s3 V! i; b, s' e/ g, d
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.) h% H! x. i. P# d4 P
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
5 d1 J0 m2 E/ ^# F* ?That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
- s/ C, v( u" @% p- R4 U1 CI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
7 U  E( g8 g% t! b% G2 ~I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
8 A  |4 O" H  V6 d& g: J+ L2 PIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?3 t& G; C. K# i/ r
Intoxicated then feel cold,
% b( z# m' ?5 k9 q4 d% y3 h5 \the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
( |! n7 V, B+ xI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.1 k" X; \5 `- D& |& X4 ]
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?/ Z! s' |' J" d8 W0 T* E, \
Why I am always hoodwinked!6 B. l* h9 l7 v4 [/ U
I have told myself many times cautiously - `" _5 X; C% ~. a- Y
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig., @# E1 Q6 m% y) v
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
* m* {* P: P. Q; l8 TWhy can`t I take it easy?4 |, s+ W1 A" e1 \( T: O; I! ^
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
! i8 Y$ p( F: l; \+ H. ?6 VWhen the quiet night comes1 [4 W" }& V' O, q
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
/ U% Z) d/ p, u& V$ T- yThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.( h' V, `6 C  `3 y- L6 F0 n: m
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
+ F# w8 K. |1 D' {light the dark corner in my mind.
$ q7 B9 j  D8 B$ s' X+ ?# A, FI feel a bit of cozy.
* d" `* _2 K  [0 ~$ UThe deep attached to you in a twinkling. n2 X' u9 f! y2 o8 _
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.5 p7 K4 s6 h( b: V" d% t
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
& F/ D+ U3 U* N' L8 a# Y# zbut accompanying with the time passed
# C: V' Q8 k# V& d2 K; LI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,2 s% g: L- T" O0 C  ~
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.+ D' y, s6 a7 P! r
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
; g# o2 G* @5 V- y/ _only feel gracious for your existing,
: K6 |2 @1 R* |7 {onlt want to do something for you.8 w( @5 E& d5 _4 Q
Every time when you meet me: W0 W2 [. i7 m; E1 k. t- n
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,* |+ y1 V; Q  E$ _/ d9 o
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere$ d3 |* E$ B7 o# }; ^) h* t
That live in my heart.
: O/ M2 q# k( @9 n3 {Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?. q. B. c6 e( j( M/ u9 e; g
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
2 D# H5 L) _9 N' Hmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.& J. s& I6 p4 a" U
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
4 \: A' v" R3 D' F4 g/ i0 Hsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
% ^6 g0 x: z2 t0 BDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,7 ?6 w, v5 e; T2 U3 t8 _" H
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
8 c5 P* s) N* W1 m0 {, ?Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
- R1 g" ~5 }, m0 W+ J$ ]only waiting for you quietly
; @8 Q( Q3 J. P5 V% q& M3 Bjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
4 ~7 Z% n+ w( M! o/ ]4 x3 O; ]I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 S7 k3 |5 Q: [and enjoy the rain washing together( _% A, [0 x2 G' }2 R
or rush to a film7 U1 F. S7 k* N% a" W5 X3 _  N9 r* K
or listen to a music quietly.
% J3 e: @" W* s, |9 j$ A- F1 gWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?% b$ B0 t' F& b) Q/ X$ u3 z
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,( d% g3 t; P0 ]) F2 y% a4 u
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".' Y" |8 w" O: Q" d& L  L
That is enough.7 x! Z& J5 r9 X$ x0 a
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,! i4 H: j8 u: z. e
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,# Q, m" s7 m7 Q3 Z$ a4 ]8 `
the same as my missing./ T2 `$ \  k0 E! }* y0 J
It comes a little bit of verdure.
5 ^/ k3 L- [9 K  `If, If some day I can touch your hand,
1 S9 H2 e. E% y# Bthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
1 N- _' `+ l5 u: }) z5 w6 sLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
- C: Y5 P: U1 Y3 v/ _6 |( PI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
! H; Q- \9 c" uAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,. Y& ?/ I/ ~1 q$ k# B: a8 o( ]
then I will have all care and ardor.. h3 e+ f0 z$ N7 j4 H0 d
Shall we walk arm in arm?
( q& m+ j' E/ g# [% \+ ~0 r/ ?呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.0 o( y$ A4 L4 J( o& ~+ d4 n
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around./ e! t3 w) A8 B) [4 g/ S/ i
I am still the same person of yesterday.
; C' h9 [- ]! uUnchanged name, unchanged I.
! Y5 v+ `6 r( @1 w: tSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
* A# q- V- l; R- t3 R4 Y; U* lLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.8 ^) J  U& v5 @3 j" |& U
More or less," j7 M1 ~8 W6 W* T& Q4 d' j9 l5 K: [
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.7 m7 x; L: ?1 w( R
. D, ]) N7 {# d( n5 j! T8 {5 c& n
Summer easily slips away4 m% U2 }2 \2 Y( L
Those long lost hot nights
# F# o+ U+ j+ K- p* k can only be found in the old days. 2 _% p% k+ V9 }7 V, G3 Y( ^$ h
# y4 j1 Z( d& f; P
Cats jumping over the window sills, " U, Q" G: |9 ]! O
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( W. r$ C" A8 ?% E( z+ W' pGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.$ T  V: t0 F( c; e4 i; ?
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ `$ o4 |5 p" G
I am still the same person of yesterday.9 |- [3 m5 J0 l6 i
Unchanged name, unchange ...
, E# \/ p3 B( K1 f9 n. g
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ! V) r2 x, ^. c# b0 C
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.9 H* w+ q. ]& n3 l' m! S; x
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.: G9 E# s: S4 |' Q
I am still the same person of yesterday.% g) ]5 J* m) Q, x
Unchanged name, unchange ...
& r1 b! A" A# N; O- ^
i like it.
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