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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
/ i4 _- k2 \1 Z* O, ~- _( r. u# p% K,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
% Q7 X7 \7 X9 `, a5 h" H零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
1 `: V( h; A2 k% q现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
% x5 E- c: E) N梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
3 W, i# F; `5 d) B$ s3 E: C$ N眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something." b+ I8 y& c2 R( L8 }( D) b
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.* [2 O1 D( u, {0 {8 G
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool./ f7 s0 W4 R+ E. w
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.& c& |4 w% N/ d% m" e
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及9 d( z/ ~. C7 N; P/ E. m" T+ f
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。% c. p: [) ]3 f: Z6 s- m5 s
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.1 Z" V  \5 Z3 t+ |# F  X
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
& v; O) y$ [! u4 z! m" E/ D4 X想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
5 P+ ?: O; p2 V: }最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
1 }: a4 z. t" x4 `: }寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
3 y7 e& ]4 j! Z* b; w$ w+ D醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.% b% n, s! e: @) c$ s9 b
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
7 v7 p# W6 r$ W最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.+ [  X8 W" u. ~2 @
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
9 d* p. T2 o% xWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
1 e, H9 O9 O9 G# L" [4 G多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously: r0 l* n5 d6 q
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.2 r( P2 C) D( `, P% J0 C$ m
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
& |8 x) r7 v+ J% p$ U# I为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
# P+ h3 {# V% u$ C2 S4 G9 D多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
  A0 }; ]- ~$ t4 W7 v. q7 \, e永难平息的泪! o5 j0 ^1 g2 ~3 Z0 O8 e9 h
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
/ `+ |! z( ]( B7 D8 S$ i9 b~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
2 R- ]: D1 _' A5 j/ U- _当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
6 }3 E  s. T. |让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
, w% M, Y( B0 j; R- z; M你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 3 ]0 K8 _0 [' Q! _
一抹微笑;; m- [0 Z* A3 g/ D5 s
一个手势;! g7 t, n3 y4 B
一片话语,
& N% j" d/ i9 C愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、" E+ n/ A9 N! ~
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
/ w" h- t4 P! x4 S% k! A4 ]1 L8 t心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
7 n# R7 ~1 ?% g0 Y这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling7 ^: b: M8 {, h9 F
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
# c) P1 a% U1 Q) s  o/ R起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
, _# g0 Y+ X* K5 j% x6 z: T我并不以为然。1 n4 P- J) T' k
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed   t% D, [0 y- N# y" I: R
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .9 m, l0 a8 Q6 }: _% @  [' B! ?
被一种情绪所左右,+ a+ o) n# X$ o
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .: L) \$ K. Z  M4 D) d
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you6 ~) c& z1 g" m' M
也不问我是否喜欢你,
7 i9 @. |. Z5 K  }) J! M: [2 G对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.: q* g" m& ?* A- F
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
+ r1 ]4 Z% O: k9 q3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you; Y3 Z0 X  h/ \7 \
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
: V( U$ H( ?- p$ f, h+ m' U* R然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
  M) z4 {, c9 S8 u! L3 [你的身影已化成一种氛围,
+ j' B( @" ?: j+ i- \9 ]记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
4 }. q% _( j! n# t4 [' S你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 2 W/ b% ?* ?7 C2 p. m5 N
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字- g& n, J" o' n" c. P! ^- b; W0 t
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,( e$ U5 t8 V7 ]# ]+ H
一种声音,and your voice2 l7 O# H) E" @& y) Y7 A6 Y
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.% G/ N, p; v2 a) g. n
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
7 ]9 O; K7 B/ d% H! w与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
0 |* |, K4 {! W# I$ d象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
1 F3 c: r# ?/ K$ g- ~" ?倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.: p' ~) Y$ u$ [. l5 @
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
: ]; @1 v' n- @6 y9 b' Q! A你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
- E$ k% R% k  x有一个能够让思念的人,2 ]7 K) F% m) l5 y% b
其实也是一种幸福。3 W# [7 [& o- F0 I# J( p
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
1 `5 ]+ V/ z7 _$ n* k柔柔的海风,
6 j' F% o) J7 f4 O5 _' c甜甜的夏天。3 p% \  S$ [9 `  }) o5 ~
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
* T) {$ V6 V" Y+ x2 f只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.0 ?; A1 Q/ `* Y; p  K
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do." b" {! z! n4 p6 f
想和你有共同的情结,6 `, y9 e* n4 x; e& g' ]
共同的心愿。
* `, O2 P) M+ H) r% N! d
/ {7 V; O4 V; \& v1 E; S$ O- K/ I' Y1 {
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you) k# `: G. z3 N3 e2 y( X8 n+ ], M
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
! T0 y- ^( A  D$ o% a* l0 `或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ' q3 z! F3 g& k) ~
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.7 ?, V5 o0 E3 D
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
. E+ a( W- {7 U4 ^4 }6 V我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
2 X) \2 Y1 ~2 z( H  L+ s浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
7 T# I2 N0 E! L或是轻轻的一吻,; J5 i" n% E0 c, P# r7 ^& D8 _
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
  A# a6 b' |( Y) |( H就足够了. That is enough.0 F# n( k4 N0 k6 F: {4 s
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! . V8 Q. K  U* B# c+ v
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
+ N' p9 I  n8 {; W2 }萌出了芽,
( @4 Q, m% r" {/ K/ y& f一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
% F, j3 f1 V4 w- L3 ~; F6 o1 y浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.& L2 t7 X; K: O  k3 x
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
5 K9 M/ w. M# S  t) T能够牵著你的手,: }' Z" A; e1 F3 P
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
3 I% R* v7 q" l) j7 }让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
- e7 p8 H2 A  t* u2 A7 G8 C慢慢地细读,0 A0 i+ Z) f( A
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
! J+ P5 M3 A' l8 W. l在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
( v' R2 {: _4 w8 H我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
- m5 ^2 K5 A) O: R- I' {# [就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
+ w/ E: z5 T# S; L7 i现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
2 C" u* d# ]% ~% H; D% J' u6 O4 K- N眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
7 y7 n2 `! I1 X! v. S2 Ychange to:lacked
" b/ C& @0 D# M8 C* C0 N) k猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
0 a$ E6 Q# I( k  h- v8 xCats often played at the whole hot night.
: D. V7 O% ]) v  C2 n2 C% O 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 p# m2 @0 y$ H1 j% ]% |- M改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
3 [, A2 }# W  V: C+ JI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. % R- u0 P$ _- {6 F( Z- h
该为:throughyour hands.
) S3 e+ f9 ?, ]2 Y还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
" S; `) x9 Q) W3 P$ G0 a$ `) i0 {不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
( a7 Q9 P6 m! n至少比我强。
7 e( x6 U  ~5 w6 Q' E  o$ y偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
  t/ u; f6 s1 }; V6 U8 x9 C% s6 }  e/ w5 R: I
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
. R* s7 |- c) j' S2 t4 V后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.0 f* F' }  C* \: O9 z
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.# B* ~6 n" L& E/ J4 b9 }+ R+ g
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
) J" b% ]7 }: }+ q2 QEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
2 e$ Y, d& @: J. W# i, tPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
' N# M+ B% m7 B3 |' Q8 D9 V Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.# j) _0 E- N6 n/ ~# W+ E2 z
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.. h2 [  D& G) D( _
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
; g- ^& B2 F# cSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
! x( p) ~/ j7 O! MCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool - Z" V% g2 B9 V3 y8 U, \- {
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.; }  @' L+ w1 l, Z+ n/ O7 Q# w
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.6 k8 F& ?1 D" J. {  h5 B! [
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
. S) F9 K; W& d5 d- ~That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.5 ~4 \" k" d; w- [4 h
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.9 A( {; K; i2 b$ k
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild./ [# L; l9 O; R) h1 m
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?) ]; X% ]' \; q$ J
Intoxicated then feel cold,5 I$ @( ~/ j, ]! i# ?2 F9 ^" ~
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
/ K6 W' H! V+ S9 N2 w$ s* |3 j8 gI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
& X8 L+ x# j2 D0 UThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?; c9 Y2 i" \/ v% b5 @  U6 R, O* g
Why I am always hoodwinked!, ^- r# {5 [- o
I have told myself many times cautiously
+ g3 |+ f; U+ ^don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.; B* ~! w: \; ?) }" l, ^
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation./ B7 d1 u2 a3 q4 N
Why can`t I take it easy?
  {$ L( H/ ^4 s$ sHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!7 f9 J. e8 f4 U; {% d# u9 R6 A1 Y
When the quiet night comes+ T. S: Z, p2 d4 Y
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.# E! o! Z: [6 E* X( |( B4 z; r
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.( h) p# h* \7 s
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,  G: [4 F& N* y1 e
light the dark corner in my mind.$ T$ R# `7 w* {* d  r6 x) N- ^; l
I feel a bit of cozy.7 X* j5 O) `6 T+ c0 O
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
3 f1 k/ w4 `1 N4 Zmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
8 {' Z7 y4 W; D2 l: a+ ZI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,* Y% u) W! T- h1 s
but accompanying with the time passed
; w# ]( V1 |1 eI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
8 B+ U# N. i0 O( ^9 r! `always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
* f( J0 T, x$ Q3 N( I/ C0 DWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
/ ~. M3 Z' Q8 J) Ionly feel gracious for your existing,- F. _& k" N# @% b2 G6 i
onlt want to do something for you.
$ u" u  H( X" _; L- UEvery time when you meet me
9 o- l# Z$ b( o- u" @the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,1 D6 p! Q' D* l1 ?) i/ X
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere  z% c0 a( V  G! z
That live in my heart./ q: A; C3 ?3 F3 D/ n9 m* w
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
/ G8 ^$ e  w& T; h  d* tEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
6 Z+ J+ o8 u* f$ y1 smake me gently distraught with happy feeling.+ @+ W* ^% O  n) z/ h' f* b+ C8 h
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
; w: y  E( u& M* c. D( e* usuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
: v+ h; e7 M! w$ MDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
- ^" f) u! I/ Q# a# bespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.( Z9 _1 ~' Z4 L( T& Q2 t4 P
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
+ |! r! E4 n1 r5 J- j9 Monly waiting for you quietly; G8 `  a( {' V5 W9 a" g  A9 b3 m
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.7 m. x4 ?% Y3 \) C( p& [1 u
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
6 T( k5 _" J- ]& d3 Zand enjoy the rain washing together
' M5 c% e. O* s; G" ^8 ~or rush to a film) v* s( r  j' p! A0 L; k: ^) ^
or listen to a music quietly.! s; W4 |. M/ O3 U5 i
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?. l# A4 Z: g% m1 _( m
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,+ P6 h7 H! X; x; X: O
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".' u' C, P3 {: m" _# V6 u
That is enough.
) g* z; b: D0 V8 O- m, u6 R4 |6 ~1 ]Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
' {4 F+ N; D  |& g0 n. @finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
, W7 N6 }: z$ ?1 Kthe same as my missing.  m2 y2 }* L5 i+ C2 F4 z) |- d  o/ K
It comes a little bit of verdure.
* p3 T$ U7 w, e$ H1 }; FIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
7 g. W# O' J* [7 W- E+ Z0 t! Hthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
, D) v  E7 L+ X7 B2 F4 W: [Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
* B! x0 t1 B- G7 b6 UI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.# ~& E4 P3 ?$ ]2 w+ l! p" p
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,0 {7 i; `1 @2 U2 x
then I will have all care and ardor.8 I& B4 B5 a" F3 K
Shall we walk arm in arm?
5 n$ t7 U2 F1 n% @0 Z  e呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light., h' u( L2 b! Y; C
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
) @( |/ k, [9 C3 E9 p# OI am still the same person of yesterday.
* j3 L* c" u2 b; ^3 F, n0 N1 UUnchanged name, unchanged I.! A( m! e! d* U$ G! n
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
9 X% D7 o. X5 R8 v* Q4 \- Q0 c$ {Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
" p0 C) s0 g7 {1 g" [  v/ jMore or less,
3 @% o- a, j" f! k, D# ` a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
+ |0 F2 }6 _; Q( m* ~
: W+ s' Z, {! R- v1 F& K( O2 TSummer easily slips away
4 ]/ ?1 Q2 n* pThose long lost hot nights
9 n: I( N2 D  [ can only be found in the old days.
; _- o0 b4 y4 R
& s) O( ~1 h' B/ D+ PCats jumping over the window sills, 6 p# n6 W+ B( `
chasing around in the breeziness.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
. U0 N6 x& h; F. ]; M# w2 QGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.: Z% r9 l( n0 F1 I2 ~( g
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
) E  R4 f, ^* o" jI am still the same person of yesterday.6 X" P, t1 f; `& g
Unchanged name, unchange ...
* x) q. q6 W' W
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
: o0 R1 b4 A  mGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.- k: [! }* a6 n! A4 ~  m; g% W
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 e' D& ^5 m6 @1 H
I am still the same person of yesterday.
* E0 ?8 c, ]3 A* M4 D1 h0 e( B" HUnchanged name, unchange ...
5 R' z* o0 H3 K6 e
i like it.
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