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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,% V$ D( H, W7 ^& G+ d
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
- i3 q# v1 e3 L! n4 I- ~零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . % a" t, v; x7 b5 q+ u( A
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.- ~( X0 [8 G5 w- j
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
: q& @6 s- `3 r! \) t$ T6 l眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
! y, w/ A+ {; M8 q) \0 @8 |) F夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
8 M$ v% p& \( Z猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
, f' L5 p* z: J* q. O2 R就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence., E6 {. q, {) |7 y
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及1 }8 B& l% E8 k- @
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
3 y) L* ~- V. D. j7 K# Z3 O世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
$ j) y( \2 A  |& g. B: ?  E& G昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.5 [' W! Y( C$ Q+ V9 o* y
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
" u. }. F; ]  U, ~' U& j3 o; n最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 0 w% w5 C; L3 c3 r. I3 M6 [
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?1 F& u' {- v5 U! K
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.; d/ [) A/ C( M7 W) C7 \8 w
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
1 t, I6 j( |! i# `. r最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
- q( I# V! ?) X: E% ?! @多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?4 n& q+ K! k  O
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
+ r" b1 Q0 x+ J" B多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously6 C' V/ _5 o* \% _& K5 |
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
' c5 r3 s+ T% u' B多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
2 y; a3 s  Y& U- c* A为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?, U0 M6 g4 M, i+ U5 W8 l$ S$ p
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
0 \/ s" Y2 {- A永难平息的泪/ l1 f- h8 U( d
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes, p$ Z9 z, S9 o" \
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
7 V. I5 G5 G% F3 @: `当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
; [* o) T: w& M5 W7 A让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,. J6 o! i* Z7 ~2 A2 c" ^
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 5 S! e, g: c+ S! C1 ^, u( y
一抹微笑;
: X; i" c( D  U一个手势;
% p; S6 i; o+ h. S/ V一片话语,
. Q/ ~8 \+ W  {0 s0 L+ J1 m愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、9 Y/ m* b$ y7 u& K
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner7 y. y4 a% E, o; t" d
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
+ b6 U2 ^/ y  R/ Y$ j: F- B这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
# N! J5 R8 T$ m" V4 \3 c* E$ \也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..7 q! k8 k7 C+ g& w! T* [
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
2 P! B) X! H" v  p! [0 c# n) ]/ Z: w我并不以为然。
* n  i# B, i' V3 u& d' H1 Q可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
. X  }2 e" [# m2 s' p* ~慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
, U( X1 S8 H  E$ s4 E被一种情绪所左右,: D7 T4 P8 z0 v* u9 m' o* _
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .+ D4 q6 O- U3 n+ W! b' y" L
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
& D6 L- j. e5 R! a, R  o. u2 ~也不问我是否喜欢你,
' y% R: f) _2 t1 R! k& q对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.' C! {8 v" p% w# F8 ~  N& Z0 a; @+ B
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
( |  J' y, r: P' R4 o( F3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you" r  U! f& X( L- Q* v+ S( Y
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
6 g# P( P: |+ s( F# ^6 i) N' Z然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% q' @! o) b2 x2 H你的身影已化成一种氛围,
$ L# m( Z) F7 ~5 d* |$ }4 D记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
* d- S$ H$ |! j你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! % B+ h; N& s- y5 A8 D6 _
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字% }! k- U( J1 [+ U+ t
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,% W0 q# i. o, R/ c: n
一种声音,and your voice4 O# u% F# R# X2 V! ?
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.6 u1 m+ J" }6 b5 r3 p) J: R# x$ p
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
/ i7 c2 T/ r6 h! W与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land0 D# D$ F" ~! e3 O* B
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
) ^9 l' n5 l1 o5 ~* O8 q4 f; g! n7 f倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
; f- f/ J) ^/ Y( k: u! _* h纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
, Q/ Q( d. S; x, r6 M0 u你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
$ `% X5 Q3 T6 w有一个能够让思念的人,
9 Y7 p0 A5 _$ E& R其实也是一种幸福。
' ?+ o% h1 }5 d, j尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
% C+ P4 V7 @9 b0 ~. T柔柔的海风,6 I4 Z* H/ M8 X; m: w
甜甜的夏天。9 K2 c) j. B; \% o3 H$ Z5 f* l
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 5 |; t) K* N6 p7 @( Y
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly." g" R# z8 E4 P! p  _/ R% b
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do., w/ P4 F8 Y2 w8 O0 u
想和你有共同的情结,& m9 E9 q3 [" K) x* ]  y- O& W
共同的心愿。3 g- L/ l! a( I+ c2 {9 u' T

/ L! G  {3 g1 L* c: V" y6 K& J% C4 L% I9 f2 A' A
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
/ n: c/ ]( l) p$ _6 `# Y1 T一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together- s+ `6 A3 ]( I" s3 Y$ T
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ' L; E! r& r. s; z$ K" \3 ?# A2 G
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.7 i6 y! i7 `/ E7 s# N5 Q, n+ z" M
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?0 b. D, K2 x+ J8 @7 m7 _
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, / ^1 \9 `% m/ l3 X3 c
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”2 h3 a' v# v5 e
或是轻轻的一吻,$ `$ e* F8 E' c" `$ w( B2 F4 ^
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
, O+ G! c' r5 K7 ]就足够了. That is enough.
0 e5 U  o2 ^* @这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
/ g$ b, W0 `; n6 {终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
! D4 \, j) o; u$ t1 k萌出了芽,
+ m7 E- }3 O0 z4 r/ G一如对你的思念,the same as my missing0 T) k3 \* M. V0 f" L3 P
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
5 d) g% A, X# k& y5 X如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
/ ?" T/ ]2 l$ I: y) e能够牵著你的手,. H3 O# F6 g4 z. p3 x8 j
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely." k, S5 v& p  L3 W0 f$ q
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
% w6 ~* _' I1 A$ H# @慢慢地细读,
4 n* ^6 O# J' J) R我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ; [) \1 W0 |' x. z" J3 I8 h
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 3 J! }) {% O' v
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ) t' D& r/ }! U2 x6 c
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:/ v3 \7 x1 q8 k) V  [: o6 n( j
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago& y/ e/ l- ?% {! m1 y; ]
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.7 q  c! r; G7 [% g! @2 g% l, a
change to:lacked
7 P: o# I( }3 @4 m$ Q5 |猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.% c. R6 j- ]# V3 N, ]  L
Cats often played at the whole hot night.* P" {' S3 N" ]1 d7 B6 f
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
# i, S0 P5 h: D$ F4 l4 _' y改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
6 m3 C4 g$ }  D5 DI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 S: c9 T5 H3 j1 r/ f7 @该为:throughyour hands.
% _  P' }  D. D6 m0 t* }6 O+ q( R还没检查完,下一次再改.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。  B3 k3 [6 n  s! \% S2 E: ?
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。$ {9 ]8 u# J8 J3 j" S3 [
至少比我强。( K: R0 _: p; m% m, G, r7 p, s8 K
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... : k0 m& u* L) G
1 o0 }  T5 d4 r
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。7 w1 m2 |) c, h4 k9 w3 X  f! {% m
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
- l) q' g, f; x2 d谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
$ S( {8 C5 T* R前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
/ v3 S4 M0 ~  @& F# j! U& b" U! @Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.1 U/ R  h$ ~  `, m( r
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
$ S/ e0 j4 J* ~, {; Z  B9 I: k8 Q Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
, \+ @; }9 w5 z/ n! }; R( o$ eThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.1 i* u) q  j5 a1 C; R
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
5 H8 T: M6 T/ P5 MSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:# [0 O5 r; ~' c. v4 S! w
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
9 H# E$ c0 A: W% w! rlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.1 b& v2 t) f  Z% A7 u
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
5 f" q* y- @- x7 Z) Z+ K8 |+ jThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.. x4 x) ?- ]' v: S3 O/ [7 t
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
) a7 M% s+ T* o# hI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.4 @! ]' g' |) Y9 l. p8 P% Y" W
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
  p% ]: J- d1 Y9 L* k# DIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?4 ~# i9 D0 U3 S; O/ @
Intoxicated then feel cold,
* [5 i5 b0 R6 K3 lthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
' n& }6 G/ ^+ H8 {I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.$ H: @& f, B; h! e
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?. Y/ t5 Z, y/ x" D6 ]/ D
Why I am always hoodwinked!' ?" R6 }+ D9 b' F8 P& v
I have told myself many times cautiously
! Q0 N6 m% f- M9 ddon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.# @1 Q/ _, T# L7 r2 G1 ]
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation./ i/ z, ?, x" z# ~* E, L2 R2 W' @
Why can`t I take it easy?
' `* w! @6 q. z4 n$ h0 ]7 D% rHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
6 K2 j/ @5 L8 S0 M# ]When the quiet night comes
7 o& H- F2 m9 N" B" Ayour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.+ P) z& y; Q# q" @) H  |% l# ]
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.2 {$ Q4 a' T, M+ H% i4 [/ g: S8 Q; c
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
5 T: @' m( k/ ylight the dark corner in my mind.8 a7 L/ D! e" [7 r
I feel a bit of cozy." d+ ?  A. t5 `" s
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
2 s- ?! Y/ v1 Y# h  |) `  smaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.0 ~# B8 f7 R$ i8 o- F3 z. g
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
1 D" f1 p, v9 N: z) q& k; sbut accompanying with the time passed. {- ~  U$ T1 R  J/ }
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
2 J. a4 g! l* G/ S. A) Xalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.  W6 w' F; a) h6 i* K
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
5 e, }2 X6 ~; nonly feel gracious for your existing,0 G: f' Q, {( a" @  [
onlt want to do something for you.
2 T+ R% B& I7 h. \0 ?3 d* O0 NEvery time when you meet me
& E, e  O5 S% N5 n4 B) u! pthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
& H, [1 K+ O, \6 }3 P% nbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere, X, l+ e; }* O0 r/ `5 s3 g6 ^
That live in my heart.
! R7 h) }! A; T1 SDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?5 m0 [5 ]% ^/ ?% o- h' J* ?
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
% t1 [0 J" C: T. ]% Gmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
8 I: F5 _5 \1 Y  w1 xThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land4 p" A5 ^, o: g  b
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
' K/ V5 b0 s: C' }% K* J; dDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
7 E# y% b( j0 g% ^, Y; aespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
1 Z- p% [0 ~: a# F( a( ?8 |9 XSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
- e7 \' M2 A7 y: q  Uonly waiting for you quietly' v$ j- b" {. t5 e! p# W
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 z  J# {6 S0 E+ i  W" VI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
$ [, R2 Z4 n# dand enjoy the rain washing together( ^3 A4 p$ I7 W- @" \  R
or rush to a film
( f% m8 V# H5 |' w5 t- {or listen to a music quietly.
6 \4 m$ S7 }) Z" Z/ a+ @: [! f3 sWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?, I/ y8 K" V# U' M
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
* ^6 S0 g$ H) {smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".+ P; D' R# U: I& m
That is enough.
6 P! k& p1 f& A8 C$ [2 q, FMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,4 c* o8 ^% @; D0 _3 T" @
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,( A! V0 q& G; y, G: D! ]
the same as my missing.. d' F/ G8 \$ n! Z. A
It comes a little bit of verdure.
3 Q) p0 x! u+ \4 C' n  xIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
  Y. S: n" T5 C+ z. m) `then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.9 j$ E. s! s/ V8 {8 S- f7 b. Z
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
5 l. c" d  d, t  j: B) sI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.0 V, j# J% E2 T5 X: \
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
) c' [: k2 I; X& z4 Q3 wthen I will have all care and ardor.7 B0 a9 m9 `0 a* E  S- s& y" Q, F6 \
Shall we walk arm in arm?
. ]& @/ x  o# G5 @呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 m4 u0 d3 ?. k1 |0 d9 VLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- a  A  l7 i+ ^  q( k1 WI am still the same person of yesterday.
: W/ B( w- h' k& J% t7 oUnchanged name, unchanged I.; Q. ^+ q$ n% p" `
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 2 o- S# E3 [' Z
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
0 d" B$ B. h3 {1 T. nMore or less,, F3 e) Y& E: i; b
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
1 m* X. r; m8 n' y$ n0 V) d  H; d  z$ X2 O# M9 P
Summer easily slips away) p+ y8 K. _' y: F; s
Those long lost hot nights
) m9 N, }0 f- }  E6 S+ `' x- _ can only be found in the old days. 0 u0 ]# i6 A# M% I, g- ~9 ?
9 {$ I" Y6 o- S( a1 ^' @$ a
Cats jumping over the window sills, , h3 W- G) G3 E
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
9 d' F9 C6 K. P- rGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; ?5 v+ t- A3 G+ KLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
( B8 O2 r& O! Z8 |! l. G! q  hI am still the same person of yesterday.: x( n0 n3 ]! q9 }
Unchanged name, unchange ...
, b" y' ^& G9 @1 S  M
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 / H( A6 l6 c4 X' a: p, L
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
' t% ?0 n" {( ~Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
7 `: n- m6 G7 y4 d' ?* ZI am still the same person of yesterday.. U3 Y0 z- T5 }* P: F, e
Unchanged name, unchange ...
2 W2 o' S  g& P6 Q: `
i like it.
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