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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
& w+ ~/ q0 m1 m. {: w5 r& Q$ k,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  3 `% p% g2 l& L2 \: l
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
$ N' O3 z3 o2 U现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
7 \$ V  n' X0 d- a' D! h" F梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking./ \; B; `' H+ O# y4 `2 ^
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
8 k/ C. ]* n9 j$ `- a夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.+ U5 U" A; S( m9 Q2 g6 w( f
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.! k( n6 V+ c- c
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
4 X7 R5 ~6 \. x0 h' T6 M我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及& m: T- {5 P! b
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
# N* o- z" N' r# k3 v) n. t世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.# |  ^5 y' _/ o% |' U) t4 ?
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.. ~1 R' a# [9 Y* {
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
' I# F6 l7 Q% I8 E' Y2 v( \! J6 d最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. & R- }6 p" J3 x+ p. {; I
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?- N8 _8 @( C; e
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
, i' l3 u" q2 Z8 n迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
8 k. g. B9 {$ X/ v最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
3 G7 t2 m# Q9 |' S9 o多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?( b9 q9 j! h' p8 |( h# J
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
! E2 b8 ]# w3 ~3 Z1 V多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously* ]. r  ]1 Z" s9 g# n# k) K& Z4 Y
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
5 i* X$ s* u+ {* k& C多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
; D* ]6 {8 Z: H$ e- o0 {为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
, L; k5 {2 i/ k3 q$ X/ @0 Y% u多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
4 C- X: Q% u: F8 r* Z4 H永难平息的泪% d- G( b. I2 n3 h  Z
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
4 k4 k) i4 C- x1 o' f4 z* o! e, p% H~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
$ u4 t. ~* e& U+ a% f当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.6 U3 B8 E# r. g( x
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
$ I; O0 p4 }$ `4 Y你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
8 r, M0 r% k" s, s) D7 u' A# b5 g  J一抹微笑;
2 |2 l  p' P+ ]: g( p* I6 j' S一个手势;( R) s$ h2 c& {+ X" _
一片话语,# c: n) L% L8 Z
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
3 P8 C4 P' R& D9 d! x) w3 ?明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner+ O2 E/ t, i3 d1 @5 x
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.% X4 j2 Q0 G% {! A5 k) o5 J  d6 ]
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
) Y1 d& q2 g( Q- R+ c9 L4 j9 A也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
; i6 D' Y. _0 M' Q. t) ^/ I% G起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,# [% Q  D) N; l: L, `# Z  @! m
我并不以为然。' u# @# I1 y; Y
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
. A9 W. F* J# {慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .0 k. S  v9 J+ ?) t3 C1 s
被一种情绪所左右,  Y. H. m$ @% h
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .7 F% q6 K- H$ V' X# U+ I" [
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
9 _. h: D9 x1 |+ j也不问我是否喜欢你,5 H( z8 o4 h# I5 |6 e
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
# d! H5 \5 e7 U2 f1 d只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
: i- d/ }+ m/ K% E8 R3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
" o. g" X, S5 u心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
6 g! @# P0 L, z9 l0 D3 B然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
" Z2 ]8 z( b0 x1 O/ Z$ ?* c你的身影已化成一种氛围,) L: ]3 F' U9 l, g
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
0 v3 H+ V1 ^+ j+ t6 ?你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
$ |7 Y5 }: f) g8 ^! }& h! \0 [) @随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
/ A3 S/ [$ R9 `+ j. W# r哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
6 o% I  r/ p, A. q1 ^, K一种声音,and your voice0 y$ l. X, q& Q# D
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.. \) w  r; e5 F( Y
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
/ i8 M5 n# K6 F" W与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land2 @0 b0 C+ A' ~$ r8 @9 ^! d
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,) m; t' J$ M$ Z/ [; ?0 s5 d) j- A
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
( j% s' @2 V6 L- j4 G" m纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
2 _4 C* W, f/ q# e+ o! G你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss' f8 a$ S% n% b& `5 T  P9 R: K
有一个能够让思念的人," o0 U* }/ [* B  b; |
其实也是一种幸福。3 ^9 V4 b; q, F$ X2 I/ l0 ^
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. % s+ _5 ?# D& Y5 X
柔柔的海风,( `/ q1 F5 U5 `: @8 }7 e
甜甜的夏天。
( q, f1 U( c9 Z( r一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy # _$ A4 {$ ~! i# r1 a+ r
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
/ T- m$ a! O- G0 b. e$ S! b仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.! l+ H1 i# G# A) T: w
想和你有共同的情结,
  V) S3 W) ]4 A9 V% x. w& P* Q共同的心愿。# F) d, _; `  y& s" B

8 l# `0 c( n  D, f3 W3 n/ H/ ]8 v3 R# T
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you% X: B# f" B! v& A: z
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together1 H( y( m& ^3 G: |: K! a" _
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
$ y' q) k9 Z" L- ^或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
9 q9 B: K/ J2 N: J4 _4 L' y『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
  j, F% L5 l4 Y; h) O2 t* T/ Q我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, % z4 V1 z& \2 W
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”0 i$ B# S" Y: i" O5 C# f+ V
或是轻轻的一吻,
/ ?8 a: `) z0 p再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
3 [5 @0 I% I  A% N; G就足够了. That is enough.* }; Q  V7 u' n# r* i# O1 N# a! [! M; G
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ! _$ C8 F) S+ e8 H
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.: }9 \- Q& l) U) V
萌出了芽,
, v# ]" X8 X8 s" |8 J9 c! t, s一如对你的思念,the same as my missing" A' W& K  r( n7 I
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
* J7 l, G& @& w1 f1 b# C# k$ B如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand* T0 G/ A, \. M9 f2 R/ Y
能够牵著你的手,
2 [5 x% b5 W9 {2 l  M: _那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
' ?! i' E, }. v! x# B让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
7 U2 B, I7 D" i3 B' a# W& m慢慢地细读,
% o7 [. w1 X+ \, i我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
  ]5 k  T+ T1 D6 r在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
) ^) @5 j$ S( J% a- x# u: c我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
7 M2 |9 _0 E$ l5 E9 T$ j% D7 M( _就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
& I8 A2 r" N$ O2 \2 P现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago) W6 w8 E. u$ U% @' p1 M
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.+ d. d5 E  {# c- l+ O; [
change to:lacked
6 \( q+ ^3 F2 W- [7 p  k* R猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
  Z$ c* n4 z( e: Y  N- U2 Z- J! BCats often played at the whole hot night.
, V6 i. m) F  X. f 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" O: {2 H/ a: R) P改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
: e- {- c9 Z$ u$ H4 ~& k: ]I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
) V$ f. I7 ?" B# V, E8 w3 G9 @该为:throughyour hands.
! Y6 J. Z1 Y' F2 l6 C/ M还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
' }6 {- h; G( M不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。; i0 \1 d. n" G; F4 z! A! V0 p7 C
至少比我强。' C" v6 E. l, \8 o$ f! a) d
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... ' F1 {: E  S- n  F+ T
! n  K: M: l! n3 }: T
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。0 }) g! J+ o8 b  g7 c; Y
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.* p/ I% ]7 l/ p/ l' G5 D8 Q4 Z
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
1 ~% v0 B* }9 s2 \6 a7 k前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:  ?' j/ I/ a- l# |1 ~! X6 }
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
4 {0 r) h$ P, h) H" yPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.+ t  a" s: T! x. _& l! Q. J
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.. I2 m: ~! @" I0 v( [) |, v
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.1 r7 P& p# t7 |
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.* i7 R- q; u% N$ f: v
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
0 M* Z! I) h/ u1 A, Y7 m9 XCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
3 P- P8 L9 H3 F" |% y7 Q2 G( Y0 Jlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
% e% \& S5 t" \* [- r' iI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
! Q: u6 h; F2 _The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
5 _5 K1 d0 K& x" g% w# i+ uThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.! A+ m( w. [* k% u
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.+ E, @; q) k; ]: `
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.+ b2 V( D$ q+ L6 X
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?. J9 j! s2 n$ c1 I' q8 q, v3 b
Intoxicated then feel cold,
6 W. V. w  S  ?2 y3 d, u. X$ g6 ]the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
2 q( l, s5 r( E, B# Q+ W2 ?8 Q# C! b; vI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
4 \( F: M' o5 M3 }. ZThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
& q/ ~8 @& x" R( ~Why I am always hoodwinked!4 Z4 Q+ y' H1 _  D6 _& y
I have told myself many times cautiously
5 y; V7 M/ I- Pdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
- e- Y, L4 t# k! ?The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.1 |; X7 r/ T7 ]. u) r; E& p
Why can`t I take it easy?& a# s+ G7 }! g! |* P' N/ Q, J3 N
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!- z& b" Y, ~% K: W% x$ h4 d
When the quiet night comes
$ {4 P" x0 D1 L. r: hyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.% ~! C, w7 H+ j1 P, E% V
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.6 q9 |* a& n  h0 T
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
' G7 C* s0 [+ ^1 G: e2 ylight the dark corner in my mind.
+ J6 {) z! @, v' E- rI feel a bit of cozy.% s2 n7 r8 Y0 T
The deep attached to you in a twinkling& x- V9 ^; `0 H' g% Q
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
' U2 P' d. E. M" \I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,$ [) p0 a; ]: u$ `( G1 T& q
but accompanying with the time passed. l% m" Q# a! o
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,' O$ w4 T5 P5 k
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
: I: U2 T4 C6 X8 L, W  HWithout asking if you like me or if I like you* u" |( B: W% \1 @# ?
only feel gracious for your existing,* M% ~0 E& _$ i! ?4 ^7 s' A
onlt want to do something for you.
, A5 \' B) m' ?  a- MEvery time when you meet me: t$ T4 {2 F7 B, _9 Y
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
# }0 Y) Z# H/ rbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere  C( L3 }. R8 r8 r0 ?  a5 A  U. q
That live in my heart.( D9 v6 C& }' H* Y( _) F4 W% T7 s
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?6 h% g. z) D4 T3 N( }! h6 L
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice, C! v1 C, F- E  ^6 h
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.4 j9 G9 e7 E4 U5 G
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
& [; n; W; E: Y1 \* D7 M; E2 Jsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.5 f6 E5 i' q  q% l+ {2 T0 y3 \' n
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,! B8 {3 k- y0 V4 _
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.& V+ g9 q& y7 D7 _& G. E
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
; i1 Q4 k, N; b8 k' a% q7 e! K. Tonly waiting for you quietly
  d6 t  Q; n2 ^- T2 w: Qjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
" D8 ?  ^7 h7 \7 U9 Z5 F! mI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
2 |4 |) ~$ c2 V6 n0 V' _and enjoy the rain washing together! W$ |5 h. ], m' v
or rush to a film7 j! ?, j2 B% r7 ]9 _4 P
or listen to a music quietly.
; C& `! d& T, q  w/ x" s3 T+ @5 Y$ G2 ~Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?3 y" u1 [$ |2 t6 l! s- C& d
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,2 g( C0 A6 J2 L2 j' L) q2 r* }: D
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".  t9 K1 P/ y5 v6 `0 o$ Q
That is enough.
0 o! _% a& B, {6 b+ z% m+ uMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
) x. Q8 A+ s0 c) U# Z6 d4 {finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
4 `" y; q8 b  G) {the same as my missing.5 o; u2 o( t7 X* J9 K4 n
It comes a little bit of verdure.9 l4 u+ @$ J2 A2 r" _$ \
If, If some day I can touch your hand, - W# F) @6 Z9 N- A9 B: C3 h
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.& b" Y1 d. N1 p5 `0 |$ p. }
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.  c2 f% ]& M  f9 L/ c; O
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
7 a4 ~* t8 F- h8 d" f' XAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,3 M0 n: d! x" x* a! q
then I will have all care and ardor.* `0 z& g/ y9 G! L- M: w( {
Shall we walk arm in arm?! i& c' i9 A8 [6 L
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
  X0 A, g' Z" {# I' \+ gLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around." f+ V' w5 Z' D& ?$ e+ [
I am still the same person of yesterday.
# J+ r& l4 E# qUnchanged name, unchanged I.
' O+ o% _0 v& X& `* vSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
: R) N( Q" `4 c* D9 bLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
: Z" v' @3 B+ l1 T, S+ FMore or less,; a4 J5 u7 p0 Y* n0 h
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
# R9 i3 A1 H; m6 j+ A# z" d0 V; {/ V0 p. ]
Summer easily slips away
2 m! y6 r, |1 m. I, @5 LThose long lost hot nights- ?9 w4 q( {: L' B
can only be found in the old days. * j9 Z1 Y  a. I; l9 Y( k

! P5 c, }) F' p  ~# d8 _) SCats jumping over the window sills, 1 h7 o1 r, I; P2 b' z6 f; G
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
: o+ w$ B5 k: r3 w  y- l$ ]Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
: T7 Y, n  M5 G  V' a8 vLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' [& f4 ^$ a6 x- H6 ^
I am still the same person of yesterday.
. h- u1 B6 L0 v0 m+ ~Unchanged name, unchange ...
& t2 N) K4 \( T9 {) a
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
5 s9 h0 j7 i: V! H. W2 UGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
4 j6 P& n% a+ RLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
+ S; E* O5 Q( II am still the same person of yesterday.
  I7 I3 b% L; l% n+ ^1 qUnchanged name, unchange ...

5 ?3 U: A1 B$ C5 \' a) p+ |0 ti like it.
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