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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
4 _6 Y3 \& T! A* V5 `/ \& ~. e  F,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
% c! n) g: K) }% d6 ^零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
) y! ~- ?# e- D9 h3 E3 ?3 \# ?现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
  E- }! D4 x! a+ q0 Z梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.' v- j. ~$ v( S. l
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
& Y3 o# W# _; ]. g- H. F夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
" F* M* k; c/ G" n猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
% {" q& x: v( E* d就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
& h& U4 A, a. k. C- G, M& }; y9 X我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及/ [5 S8 c5 Y* ^8 r5 ]/ {! `
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。7 V; o5 L. l5 [6 s; Y
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.: V7 o& ~! t" `9 t6 S
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
  B) y7 U9 B% I" m想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
' |: w- `- F8 \: K' S1 }1 Z最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. , ^; H; F- B& ~* u5 u: ^
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
" O6 x0 j' H1 i% e醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
5 l0 s9 k3 F$ y2 R( @& x迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
" u( {3 d4 m, C6 s8 P, E  I最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, T* V! T# O0 R# P$ f多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
5 {) `- [! y9 F" U9 S5 FWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     …., G0 X  t! Q0 S5 O2 S" y+ [
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
0 A9 n/ h7 m9 S; ?9 J不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
# q' a" d# n, C1 o% V& w$ T多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
- h- `5 m% j- K% @- P为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?3 {: l6 |, W3 g0 l7 r8 o* M
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!9 J2 x# r1 k. q9 Y" O/ h
永难平息的泪
- s* g. R8 S. q, b  P每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes3 ]6 B7 q; U) f( E" e- X
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
/ a0 E8 y( y/ |; F当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.2 Z, h! s. q: X
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动," }! o/ K0 b7 ^9 R, ?
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
% g$ [* [7 o/ H一抹微笑;
, S. J6 I/ g6 z2 ]8 J- @' y一个手势;1 w3 z: A6 q  O1 X; }
一片话语,
( B# E4 v- Z$ ]6 d' l! h5 u愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
7 i( u- P8 g5 {4 i; g, P明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
9 n( g  D, _, M4 c. X  ]/ H心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.- h9 J1 H( v" B6 Q) {4 b: m( I
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
  L3 _. ]9 s: c$ U也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
! L2 Z$ J( [9 H2 y8 M  e起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,2 h5 p' m' L! A- H* v0 Z; F
我并不以为然。
- f9 L. u0 F7 o, ~) F( X# `) M可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed , U4 W2 b: K1 G  h- K) [4 ?% B9 X
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .0 [/ z* J5 V+ [1 ~3 h. \5 E* T
被一种情绪所左右,
, J8 K' n0 M/ K1 {; N/ K* D总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .4 |0 l; Q7 E) ]! x4 h. {3 a+ Y; i! r
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you/ N( C) H. w4 S( p- Q% C! y, H( ~
也不问我是否喜欢你,
5 U8 U' R; }( ]4 N对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.2 V5 ~+ O$ A' u
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you* b* r$ A$ x% [! P5 s+ F
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
1 N9 |  m: d6 s, [, m* _5 v( e/ Q心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil3 t) g* Y( F- ?5 L" K  E! ~( T
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
" [0 U' J9 k- R( `你的身影已化成一种氛围,
9 G8 ^: P" r+ m* S记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
' c) n8 v0 P2 `$ Y: w7 z2 |& G; M: z你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
/ U, r3 j: o& S% q/ O& S+ I随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
$ z# @7 R- e& a9 B; C! l% ~! S1 w哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
; s1 E. v. \' R* U7 S: J6 w& e一种声音,and your voice, E3 H. n- }4 O+ Z; `9 u
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
* Y  i2 ~, z* |9 T4 S! y掺杂著幸福的感觉。
" x2 M, [0 i; N1 I" H) `) C7 `与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land: w6 o" c; m2 o& O
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,1 R& T3 A. v: E) ^/ y
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you." ]& W2 V4 [: @0 s
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。; m% [3 ~. |- ^: d& ^
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss% `: N% S2 \; o$ b/ P+ O
有一个能够让思念的人,( \" u' k- Y  \& X: w, y' Z/ F# ^* G
其实也是一种幸福。, Y, x% }6 [+ v9 D' r
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 0 X* Q$ Z2 y; x& Q. O
柔柔的海风,( P$ t2 h5 s# k; {' g% _# f- h
甜甜的夏天。
4 @8 y/ K9 J$ U) H8 t0 o1 ?一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
% m' e9 T0 m. [' l9 @( I只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
9 c! K# b1 D$ |  Q1 B% r$ g9 z$ x仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
) U6 U& Q4 M2 C" {* Z3 Z9 }想和你有共同的情结,
3 x: g) l# h0 c( D# z+ ]共同的心愿。( d! I, u  Z; k! {; V

7 v: y' K* A- H% u+ L1 F. \$ p: q( N, g2 x  u
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you; J* Z. A2 X& a2 G" U
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together6 S& b# x6 @- A4 G1 M- m& m3 c, w
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
  S0 W- `& i5 f/ P' O) ?或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
6 L8 ?9 `3 \# p3 ]『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
' f. I' }! ^# _1 G2 |: @我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
' V& O& [/ _8 X8 h1 m4 \. X浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”: q+ W5 }% i0 ?: q3 D4 z
或是轻轻的一吻,7 s5 a' u+ l# @( ?# B
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』( x& W) f$ q  D7 ]
就足够了. That is enough.
* \; L+ Y; c' f1 S这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 5 x( }, m: D3 \
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.& p8 R! T2 v  W  D# g  V
萌出了芽,
* g8 G9 t9 J6 M一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
$ D) O! e6 X: C9 n1 d- u. E浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
% n# G( ?) a3 j; m如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
: J; a, A. ~) M: e; \6 p能够牵著你的手,
5 S+ D$ \: l# T0 z' z; ?/ K# f那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.( k" _1 d5 d. b4 n3 A7 K
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 5 S1 s, J- Q" V: b( W( i
慢慢地细读,. w! L/ k" q4 |6 O! s
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. # z  r7 `: f6 N% U; }$ N
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
/ r- k# F, `0 _/ g3 H" Q我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor % `3 W4 L( a/ A! o" ?7 ~" p9 q
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
) `9 H' ?- E% y) N现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago! k% ]3 a/ Z' G4 L3 K% k
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.. y* H' y7 Z3 y) X( Y& f  y
change to:lacked
7 Q8 D  p7 x6 e猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.. l3 x2 ^2 V5 u! `5 i; O- T8 R- z
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
! n9 y% q! ^) W  U( ]0 K! a9 u 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
% I2 q1 r% e% [' h0 K) G改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
2 `% h( B+ k+ ]I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 I0 u' r& [" X1 }  L该为:throughyour hands.
# M( F# k; i9 G. C1 E1 N还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。, {7 I  X5 l) W# n. c% I- ^5 w  f
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
% x1 D2 o) C  r) q, [至少比我强。: `# F' O& ?8 b# Z. ^
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
5 D& D1 J8 j1 [5 S7 F. p: p7 j: r5 f: h8 L. Q6 U; j
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
0 G- c0 ]0 [7 u5 u后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.: e0 ?5 y, d9 v
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
; H$ h0 P. W% ^3 q前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:+ c1 N2 T, V4 f; H, S5 K0 Z
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
2 t9 x: i5 |" v* I. f' TPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
+ w4 p  I9 p+ f' o3 w Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.# q2 V4 i: }9 i
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.0 V  C/ d0 ^! _5 b
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.. c4 n/ u; W5 O
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
& b, E1 `! P! A! {Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool " T3 N# N* C! ]" x$ I' X
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.2 A& \4 c' h, t3 p' P
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
9 W* j7 G! k4 b, R% W- N7 JThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
0 f8 V3 S8 l7 m) n+ d; lThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
- ]0 Z$ G& u9 CI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.8 x! V3 G9 o/ b9 T) g# ?
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild., t6 T, ?; Q0 {& l, i) q
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?4 T5 g- ~# _6 R. k7 r5 ^
Intoxicated then feel cold,+ Q4 L9 [9 Q, W+ D% q; I3 A
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
- {6 \, H# w5 T# s1 k7 lI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
+ z0 }4 P; U( P( P! BThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
1 h( W1 U) P$ J; i% e" z* cWhy I am always hoodwinked!( K/ _7 ?% Y8 m3 ~# V
I have told myself many times cautiously 0 F, i3 F) k/ Q3 V
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.' f$ U) M) Y3 V: w( }6 K5 @
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.7 e$ H: ]. h- B$ I: l) H
Why can`t I take it easy?9 D" {( Q$ R) y" F  C( F
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!, H" d, n6 e9 {. B; I7 S( {4 [# Q
When the quiet night comes
+ T; B. d3 C+ M1 {* ?your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.1 @* F. t4 z1 o. z
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably., `& m. o# @, k7 [) E. W
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,) b6 ^8 }1 m7 q3 n0 M3 S8 @" ?
light the dark corner in my mind.
  e0 S8 k& A' d% KI feel a bit of cozy.
/ @8 u- t) m. s9 P+ {! ^- SThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
; Q' j# t& G9 {# Q' E, t) f) C& {maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
3 L: Q4 }) K6 G  s1 Y& [* SI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,; o. Q/ v" `9 ^! Q" }1 u' s2 A, d5 r
but accompanying with the time passed7 T9 N& _! A: Q+ m" J
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
6 w* c& G1 m$ h3 {5 V& g9 Falways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
. r7 l. R* l- h& d, b0 PWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
' q- S2 Q& t$ K3 U% u* ^5 Donly feel gracious for your existing,
. C% {3 d) Q; s  o' \( h3 {& |onlt want to do something for you.
% E1 q, I! ], YEvery time when you meet me% S# ?7 w- B4 y6 r" `
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,; L# C9 e' u, g: g) y* @
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
5 T1 o- e# G! }( W1 [That live in my heart.. \6 f3 \9 T, C( l# A
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?- ?6 i8 g0 M: j3 p$ Y% {! \. v5 `
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
1 B4 R9 j' N: y5 U( G, E$ rmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
( {0 E8 Y! c6 m" |& WThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land7 F8 s* p) h7 U! C8 r
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.5 @+ J. v2 ?: p
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,( V8 I! i- v& B  n9 \) v
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
* e+ a9 g# Y1 L+ ]7 jSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
. R. i" L, r. Z( B2 Zonly waiting for you quietly
. v! @/ G$ B5 w  R4 fjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.( I! r* L& q! \  J& y& p" P
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
5 b3 J5 A& S, J+ n0 \, O0 Cand enjoy the rain washing together5 D$ I+ r8 e6 C
or rush to a film
& B2 n% d* U( y& p4 i3 b/ ior listen to a music quietly.
9 P' l5 M+ W- T$ ^" G4 b0 w2 @Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?% |4 b8 W- c. i1 S: I. D
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
- {, ^; g9 ?; c) n3 K. J/ ]smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
& X7 q5 ?8 B8 |! c& {% pThat is enough.
6 ~2 c& [: J2 @: U+ B7 Q) L  dMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
3 N( e7 k" ^- u2 D5 Y: gfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
& C3 Y0 }6 e( k$ |8 u- `2 n# Y' mthe same as my missing.
+ S* ^, \" Q) \It comes a little bit of verdure.. r' L( ]" f" n
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
/ w" C( D9 [9 P* Ithen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.2 w+ J8 g4 s( d6 r8 p/ o, ^
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
- w7 v* `& D5 v6 N! ~1 d0 RI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.$ {# X1 G8 a5 L4 R
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
. p* J- F9 }* r! Wthen I will have all care and ardor.$ \9 d4 F" K$ P) h. |" ^/ H
Shall we walk arm in arm?
/ o* G# Z( X+ [* S' [& Y呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
" M3 g8 A) c. \# P0 i5 V! kLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
6 T  w% ]1 e; ~I am still the same person of yesterday.
! m9 }! b: z* R7 W6 i+ fUnchanged name, unchanged I.
/ w( R" S( k& \) }Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. " ?' ]  O+ H2 w. D  P+ V. U7 I/ f3 W
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
6 Z8 t1 U3 q6 NMore or less,
% h  E; `% R, \+ d2 q2 t a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
  y; |, g/ @% |  W' E, X- \2 G: k: @- c2 x: N9 c6 t) y/ M% w
Summer easily slips away/ S$ _1 C3 t0 |, y
Those long lost hot nights
  p: d. s& a6 p: J# ]! q: b can only be found in the old days. # ]+ U9 X/ G6 X  A& B5 a) R5 X: P

  `" ]/ w: n& g8 n7 x( x, b% ICats jumping over the window sills, . L  ~; Q: j5 K3 P# E' Z
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
4 D' F  S' c" r9 \5 kGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
, t. @2 `1 n) bLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.! W5 W8 a: H7 \/ a0 Q
I am still the same person of yesterday.2 v- [& T8 E" D
Unchanged name, unchange ...
! Q5 N" ^0 w7 C1 O
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 2 \* `% [( X+ A' V
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light./ U: @2 W; ]8 R# w# q: j8 a0 X0 u
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.0 S4 ?- {/ N% p% M2 c; x4 v6 _
I am still the same person of yesterday.
6 P2 u# e; l- A: a& uUnchanged name, unchange ...

9 a/ H3 V% t. I7 ni like it.
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