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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,/ K! f! V; b# O7 l
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
' R0 i* {, t( t( d零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . % c# I' p. q4 q- m% g
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name., P! A( R! Z' J# m7 c
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
* l4 Z) P! e$ `7 P. N+ E眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
/ M; p2 t  N9 O. x: g( k) e夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.6 L2 h; ?9 j8 p. p
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.9 G2 c2 y& F& P
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
5 K3 O* w) T  B我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及! G+ H+ Z" {5 ?7 r4 p8 m
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。: o7 _5 [* P, Y; o* o
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
3 q) I& v8 F# Y/ X; P* Z6 e昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
$ s* z, a5 K$ y* [0 @3 [8 R" u想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.2 i5 p" I, w2 P& L
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
: P9 j% `- j/ s/ K* ^" J- y0 X2 A寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
7 ^. I$ |( ?0 S7 T醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.: e2 N. g& p+ D8 w8 w7 t+ o
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.. u( ~5 M7 r( I9 T. h
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.) Y0 r7 m. e! U$ i7 P  t- Y
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?8 G# v' Y7 F( b! ?, b; ]8 y( U: q
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….3 `0 n) y+ v; G  d# E) a- R
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
: J/ e$ b# f4 _4 W4 j3 x不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.3 {& x( c  G& e* |
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
( K5 n7 H/ t( d4 B- x: l* r为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?) j7 K' w4 o5 ~5 G
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
' z. s2 G* V4 p3 }* m4 v  G4 W永难平息的泪1 i1 O) t4 L3 h$ l" g
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
% M- r0 V3 P4 C/ N) Y. w  U~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.+ n8 g7 \( H0 f: j( g
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
7 l7 Q2 L: I8 F# V  i# ?; i: O让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,: q( s$ ~! t. ]/ Y* X3 E" n
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
' Z+ u1 i" x% A$ e一抹微笑;. n9 C( ]% d, P8 t
一个手势;! v, W# h- ]5 g7 K. ]! b  j/ x
一片话语,
4 p- J. E7 Q" m) `3 f; I2 ]5 A. F" P愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、2 N. f: t* V! }' m
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
- y9 I# o  D$ y, v, `6 Y( ~7 ?心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
% e( J. v5 F0 [9 ?这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling( ?7 S; T4 V% w0 z6 s
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..$ r* ]# F6 r+ u
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,# V( {9 E2 i# J
我并不以为然。5 \: c' i8 o& }7 t
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed $ a; @' ^/ k4 j" x8 z
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion ." k) g) A! b2 _" @/ A' I& i. k
被一种情绪所左右,
  `9 a. I* t. Q总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
8 I" `( ^8 e1 j$ B+ e$ R1 b即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you7 m8 O/ O" W, s  ]: x/ |  C
也不问我是否喜欢你,
1 V( X( _! B4 d& ]3 R) b对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.+ W$ s/ o, ~- n. C- X8 L
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
) {; `, n8 p/ ~" n% b3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you7 T; O  h% i! B; v
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
5 Y  k" `2 e' t, T& Q* c然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere $ J2 N- ]4 g; f( @7 M- q
你的身影已化成一种氛围," Q4 O; K, o& Q2 x, @8 V* t
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
, O9 E2 R+ j4 ^, {你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! . P3 d2 D! V4 h6 E- i
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
3 i8 \1 J7 Y& K6 M7 d- Y% c* h. D哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
! e/ T% ]! S/ W+ r8 G1 x) _4 I一种声音,and your voice
; z2 {( z8 ~7 c8 m也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
( b  B# Z2 s+ V% P0 a( v掺杂著幸福的感觉。
' V6 @# x% P3 u& f  }与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land/ j7 U) Z9 j5 P9 I8 k
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,  L/ U  t( j& {9 H' e- \
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
; N3 {" v5 ~( ^纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。' {. c  |# u. U6 u% c
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
+ W4 ]6 r% Z" P/ S: l& O0 X# ~有一个能够让思念的人,6 o0 p2 k# l) m! Y( C
其实也是一种幸福。  u; {" G# p( s' C3 k# [
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
* {- P; [( l1 m* y% \柔柔的海风,
% I% C  }* C1 L/ V2 G' q甜甜的夏天。
6 q  u8 k' \  \. a. b" w一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 1 R% {/ v5 ^6 X/ S. T
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.: N% o2 n6 t! g$ c
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
0 n2 P7 R) {9 J* g- p4 o8 c想和你有共同的情结,
, H5 w. P. p- Z. @! u4 D/ J共同的心愿。7 i4 y6 v$ u' N" T2 Q* u" i' a% E
1 ]& y' ^  d8 x0 G, o: N
6 i3 h9 |  o7 K$ ]5 @, Q" o* S2 S
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you( m! D+ F4 E# q. t2 a5 ?. u
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together( o; l0 E- F6 ~# o; w
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
  e" K2 ^- l! H0 d, c& m或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.$ c: |/ @, T) @  ~. T$ x  ?
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?  B) ~6 b$ Q3 o2 [4 N
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 5 F1 G8 k. ?: F  A2 I
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”. c" b7 `/ V2 g4 Y5 R
或是轻轻的一吻,0 a! r+ }; |* K, z/ _: w
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』. `4 O5 s. O- F& [* I6 G* O$ n6 P
就足够了. That is enough.
: I0 e9 u. H" Q" ]3 w) D3 s: L0 l6 a这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 1 _5 M# O1 e; h% n+ E5 y; X% t
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
$ D2 D; N1 b* C+ E# g萌出了芽,
. \: N7 g5 I* H- j5 Z" [一如对你的思念,the same as my missing" ?. E  {3 ^/ V* s  p% p2 Z
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
0 ^4 n# X/ q+ Z/ J* K如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand/ @6 m7 d* `8 ~" H4 J
能够牵著你的手,
3 ^6 ^  |- O" D' h3 D4 q. B+ j那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
2 g. F: d  X% T* H, ]' f6 ]* z让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 2 B9 p  P. C# U% f" b0 B$ ^2 U2 Z
慢慢地细读,8 a  ]4 c7 f7 ?+ J3 Q, u$ d
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. , |/ {7 j, z6 e) h
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
& k. K% F* ~: m! }  [, o/ x! E我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
3 F5 R) x" w- a2 L0 P5 O: A就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:: l) ]4 G$ L. X# h3 m$ Z
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago( n& r" ~* Z/ [6 ]! a/ ?' i$ n4 S
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
; A; Y9 k. |6 Q. ^- X7 Schange to:lacked2 I, ]! H" T0 L2 W
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.9 c8 s" l1 G! [* y+ j
Cats often played at the whole hot night.6 c2 q5 p3 K& m! R5 }# l- |( S
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及$ j1 q1 ?  Q! w5 E/ ?; v- q9 L
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.6 _$ {- n9 c3 f2 X, M# S& ^3 V
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 3 W: t# v" T, S4 ^" i& K. J
该为:throughyour hands.
" Q" w; j3 l2 |) P* v  m' m还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。% h; B1 K% h4 p+ j
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
2 a- z; e" i4 Z- R4 ~至少比我强。
# f8 J% I% f, \) Y% _4 L偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... % i) H& a4 z8 r8 e2 J. a6 b
0 |6 {7 ~) a2 ?( c. b
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
7 f* `) i! }4 m后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.0 F# L# g+ I# u0 X8 W8 E6 q
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.# K- H- q, b  q  _2 Z$ L8 D& ]
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
, T# S& f4 H& M" A- r" FEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.; q2 v# E1 c( N7 q/ Y
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.1 V* Q- `; j+ J, T3 Z8 L
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
" s, [# W" E4 J7 bThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
8 u, d& K. W; ?, o  GSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.$ D; h' C2 d3 L* D! G
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
2 I0 o6 f/ d$ K, e& lCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 6 R+ t( ~8 z! P
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence./ ?; h2 r& A3 ^0 u+ c) u
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
- R8 K0 G) P% q6 e& e# j9 D' j: _The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
9 s1 v- k* B/ t$ q* KThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.& g7 X; \  M: Y
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
+ O- R9 _' A  ?4 ?I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
2 ^, z6 C" K7 ^* r5 l. MIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?% }- h! }+ L' a" r
Intoxicated then feel cold,( \/ b1 l# [9 `* O3 _
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
1 W: H* k, r+ Q8 S  RI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.+ W* S8 ~9 j5 W  A
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
+ o/ I/ ]6 k! _Why I am always hoodwinked!. d, _8 z% I# I
I have told myself many times cautiously ' `, Y# i- x2 w1 O8 d5 K
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.  E6 Y/ N$ o- L8 {) X2 j: {1 O4 }
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
! {5 s$ V8 C" [9 |: L, f/ yWhy can`t I take it easy?
1 x  @( k* Y- j0 T# o9 d, a# |+ N; aHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
8 e; r( `: h; {3 K2 c% {# w* ZWhen the quiet night comes) A: |1 s* K) M% _! J4 X# ^
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
( x, l' [- r( A2 l4 N: rThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.- u, y  U% u/ R+ E5 c5 _; D; \
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
  P% W2 C7 G% Flight the dark corner in my mind.
- P* y3 m/ I9 SI feel a bit of cozy.
$ {) A  H$ A8 d8 k- w9 JThe deep attached to you in a twinkling6 \  {  G; C. M/ Y
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
5 L% U% e) j' z% N/ B( D* ^I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
4 l/ y1 H; s7 j( e  V) e( Nbut accompanying with the time passed
* D, |; H; u; S# V- hI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
* a8 e* s9 B1 @' aalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
# N/ X) }  B; i; [Without asking if you like me or if I like you
, r( d3 X0 S9 u9 r) z4 x% D; w  jonly feel gracious for your existing,5 {7 Z4 M4 ^; F3 l: k
onlt want to do something for you.
' k* q/ K/ }/ t3 ]% r: ]; @! sEvery time when you meet me2 S8 J/ L) z' R2 R2 ]* [
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
# A* K9 S. h5 L5 n# B# A9 `but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
2 s/ _6 M) ^+ Y5 C. qThat live in my heart.; E  ?/ I9 w' ]0 V5 \: ]. f! m% b
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?  }5 S/ {& ~, }8 n6 u
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice% K& J3 n5 |4 W* b2 ~8 i0 h
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
: |' \% I, N% [. k% t7 `The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
& b3 V& S- J$ ~0 Gsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
2 o) B  s1 k$ C- Z5 \# G; r) kDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
2 u8 M- a/ O% R: v$ j. B' Aespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.! M9 v  P( j& i6 x
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ' _9 @6 \. D9 c8 ~- E
only waiting for you quietly' i! I' S! l, `. ^. d
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.- l* h! f, `; |" F/ U5 O" M
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you ! M& D+ D. x9 I( b$ R
and enjoy the rain washing together
3 ?+ i" r/ I3 N3 q; |( Y: {or rush to a film
9 T7 q8 u+ X" hor listen to a music quietly.+ [' Y1 Z: p  p7 x* x& x7 E& C% d
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?# B" x# O. \! ?9 n
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
: ]3 F8 Z$ _9 d5 R% F7 C2 Fsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you"." B; [/ ^$ \% K( S4 E6 N3 [
That is enough.! F3 I8 J2 h3 d- }; X
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
# S7 {4 D0 `; R& o. Lfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,1 s7 M, Q  d0 O1 a3 N
the same as my missing.: T  w# s2 A$ M  _% j! {
It comes a little bit of verdure.
, k  }) L1 i- T, L+ GIf, If some day I can touch your hand, 5 V" u% W, |8 \0 i4 j5 g! B9 u: L
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ Z9 `" a# i# {( ?+ J% NLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.7 n8 Q5 O7 v8 l3 }
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.( o3 b8 W8 n5 K  U6 s) Y
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
  a$ i! R& o2 \7 ^9 v1 Y$ ]3 p" j0 dthen I will have all care and ardor.
" C3 l0 M5 U/ P  |Shall we walk arm in arm?4 {6 A" z) a) t7 M$ m2 F; `
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
3 u$ j) D( T9 J5 ~Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.0 ?, Z7 F" Z8 B$ p  N6 v& s& Q
I am still the same person of yesterday.
* Y: P; H1 I& B" M1 qUnchanged name, unchanged I.$ `! W; k) Q  E2 R. B
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. , {+ m% W# t  I6 Y1 j4 Y. t5 K
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.5 S! i& l3 X- ^1 {- p; L
More or less,
0 N# _- a6 s5 f% e# e a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.; q, b: U: ~2 i( \4 M6 d# p
+ f# G, F: D2 o
Summer easily slips away) Q* {9 j$ @- e& o& k) R4 c/ k, p
Those long lost hot nights% W# j* A' [$ f- I! d7 _* Y7 ~
can only be found in the old days. " |2 R  k8 k2 X4 A5 R  c. ?: g
7 G, X/ r3 a* }. R8 ]
Cats jumping over the window sills,
) l" c1 }% |# F  l9 r: Echasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . q0 q1 s! |, p* P1 U
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
5 d! L& ~) I9 Q: ^Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ I8 v/ o8 q+ }7 [7 X" S* i
I am still the same person of yesterday.
8 y) J# E* o, u# u- ~9 Q6 F8 T" dUnchanged name, unchange ...
2 P6 y. p: @( z# v2 a
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ; [* v3 p5 I- Z0 L  P
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.5 S2 E! Z/ v0 r- H2 f3 H
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.% d0 n/ a4 P7 }2 j" w7 V
I am still the same person of yesterday.
# w! E- _9 B9 j3 D9 xUnchanged name, unchange ...

: X* U+ b8 T7 k) i. ^& B% ki like it.
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