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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,1 L& [; u1 f! d2 S5 E0 o. P
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  + F1 k' U8 ?* Y" J* r+ R9 \% i
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
' |' j% k5 T3 A; d8 h' p现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.1 h3 a, M6 a4 }, Z
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
- C/ m! P6 Y; _( D. K& o眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.0 N% s, P4 U9 J
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night." F0 y+ m# a+ Q* S4 ~4 x
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.1 ~( o" O! [; `5 D  R7 ^, I
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
" A0 Z. t9 e! ]& Q我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
7 s1 r5 A3 z7 r: T+ o" ?! B那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。* W: W" l4 X* F- M* d. d. K- n
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.9 s/ Q/ J% H9 {/ G, ]! J
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
& `/ I' k9 A; R8 h想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.% ~! }( }9 B, k
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
, E, {; S$ B; ~/ J2 i. l寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
: |, Y! O& e: o% m6 U醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
; J% m- F0 M8 H7 e* B. @2 B( n6 Z迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
+ }2 d( M  h5 ~5 v) z. e7 Z最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have./ r$ p" K1 w' I( I4 ]
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?, [# U6 x7 {3 H. g/ `
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
8 T+ p) ?6 _" f4 J, C' [多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously3 Z! `& ~1 W& f( K5 a* W
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
. C$ |- d) a* H4 {0 _3 B. I多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 2 x* m, l5 Z3 ?. I. g4 B9 S
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
, g3 L( v% p+ m8 n% i( D. [多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!/ `6 N5 _. K$ G  k
永难平息的泪4 O- o7 |* l( f" V5 Y% M- v; A
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes5 K; I! Y  c3 O2 u  j
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.  a$ c# t, \8 @- B/ S* r8 K# K6 u
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
& q9 j5 T7 H( d: @4 m2 v* U% Z让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,3 a$ h* _$ b7 A+ O
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul . ]3 U' i5 H* M# A, e
一抹微笑;
3 x: m, C/ _+ N1 i) a1 Y! l3 ^一个手势;# U( \4 F2 h7 Q5 u8 N3 R9 r0 N
一片话语,5 h2 F" P0 x0 G  O5 X
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、. A/ M  E1 h0 w3 @! U
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
( r  ]( [, B  q$ x+ h, o! E心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
% L2 j9 @2 n$ `这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling" I9 \& }$ j* ?& {
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.." R( t" W; l. G8 G- _
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,8 c1 M$ \* q) v
我并不以为然。9 z3 k) b0 @' T% [, ]0 S
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
! m' v2 I, Z0 h. K$ h7 `/ [# p慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
3 Y1 T7 I+ K( n# z: ~% b& }% g6 _被一种情绪所左右,
, H6 E, }% E; ~1 M0 ]( a) G总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
0 v# _  ^! b' `0 J, X4 a' A即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
( s# |0 \) _- D  _也不问我是否喜欢你,- ~1 v: t  b, ]1 r: m9 P
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.8 s9 A' G. q8 `' l5 k7 K
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
' Y/ h4 ?, Y" H( Y3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you' _/ E; S6 Z9 Q) u6 c
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
; s7 P! g3 _2 _5 v然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ( o2 S7 O. _2 }3 j" p# F  I3 J
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
$ d9 J% p& X! H6 E1 m- f记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
$ z( U  v% c" C- r: ?- W' s你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
) ]9 a- q: Y0 R随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
6 N. h1 k, P6 r% C! a6 j哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,  ^) B, _  ?  \( L: R3 v$ ]
一种声音,and your voice0 S  T2 F& A9 g9 {6 n- i6 s' v  e
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
6 y  K" S  u0 p* g1 ]9 b掺杂著幸福的感觉。
7 w1 e. Q: H' t) D% t- E' J与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
( w$ J" h4 H+ \" e' U4 I4 I7 F象雪花般撒落在我的心田,% c& p* h6 J. r
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
! n  l* {; V/ R4 t% ]纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。7 E2 H% M" J5 M6 l
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss0 ?& q  I$ E! g
有一个能够让思念的人,3 \( k9 o* U8 V' X* r/ r" C
其实也是一种幸福。
& r1 i* \! {% `8 s0 X尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
9 d9 d1 Q6 [/ C8 a% @! R1 N' x柔柔的海风,
% d, |7 U2 f# p' j甜甜的夏天。5 v- o2 w$ P6 f9 Z, y7 K" ?
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 8 Q1 Q* a. @( G! M4 K/ q
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.+ K% Z7 m  ?7 ~# F
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
; ]* v2 |4 ~& m  |& O( u想和你有共同的情结,
# X  B5 H; N3 u1 F: K$ v共同的心愿。( m6 H+ X; i' f

  o3 m  Z5 a4 U3 F
$ [' d; a! w% z& L/ s好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you5 g& n0 u) \# b1 F
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
& i& h. ^# a. R5 S或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film   c; W( g* r; S8 s- e1 X
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
8 y6 T0 Z% p8 @『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
9 o8 D1 X' W- d5 S我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
9 X- F, W" V$ s- D* x, ~' R8 @浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”1 T' C" _3 [/ d; Q- |
或是轻轻的一吻,
) v0 {+ H' X, N% [6 h& B/ D4 M7 t$ c$ z再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
2 `) H: O# b8 u" R; w就足够了. That is enough.
: A- u+ F; b0 y" Y这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 7 b/ H1 t3 j# {% c- s
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
2 d$ w' c9 |/ \" U2 J3 h/ b8 k萌出了芽,0 o' n! g. ^! F
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
: n; p4 Y! @& R) D. w浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.! z1 I; J5 O- P- F
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand: ~% q! }& o, a) G
能够牵著你的手,. U6 F9 h! R& L4 A3 o
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 t8 Q) n0 @0 v) C4 B- }
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
/ ?" x- ]1 B% [- q# ~慢慢地细读,
( O9 j1 n' W! x2 d8 A我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 2 A$ u3 B' p. l, t
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
  N9 I& A8 }! @1 p" c1 D我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 1 r$ S( ?& L6 c1 ?( a
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:$ Q& J* T) v4 S$ f! {9 [" }8 t
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
7 w9 `3 |5 |8 K0 t9 U- M7 f$ _眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.& m! d2 h' ?: k, Z: r
change to:lacked  @4 p7 X; g. u& u# ^4 ~6 ]" L* F
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
* q4 \* c( c0 v/ `Cats often played at the whole hot night.
1 z" o5 y2 X6 z1 P 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
) E3 [) D+ [& A* ^改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
2 c+ A5 i0 }9 Z) x9 ^9 o7 kI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 0 {, O$ c) F$ C; [1 \* x
该为:throughyour hands.- D; T" `- e2 }( z
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。4 C+ n# _+ j3 G/ ~$ V; \, I
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
6 n- b! J* M6 ?9 h; P至少比我强。
0 S8 {- ~; R$ A3 j0 j偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
6 Y2 B& e, V' F& O5 t4 d+ n1 ?4 n7 l- A! Y  T' g; R
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
) V0 z  j4 C  J0 _0 g4 t4 R+ U后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.2 Z; b- I" w8 @: I' z: o- `! ]
谢谢三思的鲜花.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
; z1 |; P5 V: O. _  z, i前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:5 h: i5 R8 }& Y; {! W- J: x
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry./ I+ J  h- j# A4 J& `" i: T1 M
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.) H/ L) c8 I& j$ n
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.2 Y! E' l( C  f  G
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.9 W# C. T3 d6 e  q5 [" A& u
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something., Z0 a( {3 i5 E$ A4 B( R7 z
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
8 G  X4 P' O; `0 O# o- v0 I6 g. SCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 2 {6 y$ q! o% F, W; F
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
: z6 M/ L! v  H  m. }; D" b0 }I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.1 h& V' j9 s( B  T) F7 ]
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.7 s7 g5 D/ l: X% J0 A
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.# t6 S8 F9 T- O/ n+ m, Z# B
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.# _0 q) F; z) C) n" d7 x: \5 c
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
0 z& H% ?  ~4 s; p$ B) sIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?$ r( U( A! v0 ~# y6 f
Intoxicated then feel cold,
6 H. n5 e6 L+ O/ n4 y" [  Q7 i; ethe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
" G' z% a# u3 `* qI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.8 c- u# V* k7 l, i( k' K/ w( X
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?% o0 ^7 b5 C. w3 P( A$ l
Why I am always hoodwinked!; Y3 G' h# J- o% Y; t& f
I have told myself many times cautiously
. X- N. ?+ j, ~6 L1 f) Gdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.* u" d+ x( {/ \2 h+ n! d
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
+ S4 m1 R  X% }; l; I! [, C1 zWhy can`t I take it easy?- e- Q; D' Q! S' D: r, ], c
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
1 o; i0 P8 _' d, wWhen the quiet night comes' J5 w+ q1 m. h/ E) d
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.# y! D1 M; Q# S
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.2 e- p2 r; F0 E; N( c2 v
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,3 J( h8 H& Z# c6 x! _5 M  P% X
light the dark corner in my mind.
# w! ?; h( w6 D* V$ ?! E( YI feel a bit of cozy.5 {+ ^) }6 p  t' s7 V; W5 t
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
: W& c8 X. r, u- u( L7 d' G7 mmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.9 B& B4 [! c$ ~
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
* [( B2 t0 `* x) wbut accompanying with the time passed& a; C* I) F$ C9 y3 M
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
. Y7 q/ G& J% p. }3 E' q' jalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.9 m/ {% B1 ~3 c$ E4 J# B7 }3 G
Without asking if you like me or if I like you5 j5 I+ D: h4 V% x1 z
only feel gracious for your existing,9 M% b% L' [5 k* ~, m3 i
onlt want to do something for you.5 ^0 |/ C' M2 ~$ `9 K3 {
Every time when you meet me
# M, x* G; N. S- Mthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
' G5 F3 h, Z/ D3 [% ]. H6 ^  Ybut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
: X5 T9 j3 `1 H8 u3 o% GThat live in my heart./ K5 Y" ]: ]3 J  r( ?7 f; P5 X3 V
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?4 A' k1 e* K5 |% F0 ~
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice9 g/ C, b( s  x: P( k
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.1 k# M. a( a& C7 R
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land1 |$ a. v! L# y* h! r3 r9 _  h6 ^& X) `
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.# H& `6 l+ T& V4 @' Z+ C
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
8 f( n1 _; P* {# v8 X: W, ^* Fespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.( _. ~2 y, A! v2 S5 z" Z9 n
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy . E2 C# o& D6 u& w9 W- v, ?) |
only waiting for you quietly
- g/ \# i. L$ r9 I1 I: @just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.; V- n0 _, T3 K, z* Y4 K
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
+ Z8 [  T% P+ F! I% @# x. Cand enjoy the rain washing together
1 F4 p7 w! x4 a9 D3 r1 L: cor rush to a film+ h7 |  \8 v6 |1 k0 {6 \
or listen to a music quietly.
/ w& b" d6 }! G, yWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?# v6 v& ~; j8 Z' U
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
) W; `& l& C; D; e. j0 ^smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".+ S, Q0 h* I4 ^& T+ D  E
That is enough.
! }) T) R! O9 \: c6 [) A! eMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,! ~& C$ T$ ^! y" G; u) c
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,- c) C" q" e" C& C
the same as my missing.  ?( P5 s5 ^; w% Y- O/ r
It comes a little bit of verdure.
' C' G- Z3 i) v1 [! v. Q7 {If, If some day I can touch your hand,   L' @( ^% U; G; h/ L
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.3 J4 _! h7 ^) W) O
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.' u0 l( \! P& n2 ~: ?( V( q
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul./ b# _1 Z: n' x% e7 q
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
  @' r+ G( j6 Bthen I will have all care and ardor.
! o; o* o6 G* X  q: rShall we walk arm in arm?7 o& o5 {( _, c5 O2 J! B( v, w
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
" t- Q9 h' m# g  a" n. _Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.. x9 i: H3 C+ L2 x$ c* d. ?6 |
I am still the same person of yesterday.
" Q, \8 ?  X$ j! l! D3 SUnchanged name, unchanged I.7 O7 X0 W0 }+ O/ M+ S( Y2 a
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. + Y/ v+ w* x! z. r: z
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.# q" Z6 J- U' C. O& I# j
More or less,5 m1 Q5 d) ~$ Z% Q
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.# h" E. u  a9 Y- d/ W
2 O( \2 i. v2 x! w0 d. l
Summer easily slips away
  \1 z# @- [+ E& M) [" N2 dThose long lost hot nights
/ q9 n0 l) }9 q% t* P- j$ P# ~# G can only be found in the old days. / b6 s4 A& R6 q8 ?' q0 E' Y
4 j, i! \, ]. e. _
Cats jumping over the window sills, % h. F! Y0 P4 L8 h/ z* y
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( G4 a3 i+ W* w* w% r/ o2 a# jGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.  m+ {, ~* Z: F) M
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' T1 j2 J7 C1 C2 J& T- \+ F
I am still the same person of yesterday.- a+ g: T) L. @2 ~
Unchanged name, unchange ...
" _( K" x" B1 e0 b( ?, q" t$ J
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
4 h$ t' ~* k$ ?6 o0 dGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 G# M0 M" Y: f7 `; SLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.! Y7 p% T- l- K- E) Q9 \; g
I am still the same person of yesterday.' O. f# e/ b5 }; Q( m# T
Unchanged name, unchange ...

4 ?8 W7 m2 D+ N8 R; K, y5 C* wi like it.
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