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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
' C7 E$ U5 B4 P1 C" U2 W,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  / X+ X1 L0 [- w' B0 ?
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
5 E' w% z/ N4 w, u, Y  z现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.+ _& H# ^: \( o: U/ C. P$ I0 e
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
8 P, N: V& p9 ^1 @& u眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
) Q* t! O3 W2 x6 A2 u8 w% O夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
: ?# l( \# _. K8 C猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.! n4 m* {. N; f
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.* S; r- r  R* \2 f
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 v, v( H1 [( L+ e( n那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。9 `, g3 d( }; A9 z* J
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.# j  ?5 A" O% X
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
  e* Y) t" T$ x& b' x想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.& _' n$ `" O: ~3 s
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 1 M9 t, p+ o8 U: E% M3 ]# ?
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?7 N& F. e0 @% {: X. L+ b1 P
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.+ [  T6 q- N0 |5 u+ i
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction." e% x6 @6 f, G6 o9 [
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
# q" O! N3 h3 \. w& n多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
) O/ D( q! \1 c+ b+ R$ A" n# EWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….# R$ J9 Z5 N" L' J( f0 ~
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously1 V  F6 H2 z1 a
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
  i& W) X8 e! r/ b4 F多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
' d$ o6 ]# V! N) m为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
% ?! O5 q' C7 Q& t- V3 G多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!7 ~9 B1 `, {) j) |( u: E# \; A
永难平息的泪
" U& u- R5 v# R3 H每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
# T6 D$ X: a0 ]! c1 C- Y~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
4 ]5 \, P' x, x" }$ q% E当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
: ?% P, [! S& u. m让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
2 S6 c' Y  f6 d( _* S你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 3 j! m( l4 S" k8 S' V
一抹微笑;) D6 \& [) p# Z
一个手势;, B$ \: c* G5 w+ R  ~6 f
一片话语,: I0 G2 B: C# }. ]) N7 u/ r- I
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
9 x5 `( X5 E  n4 G, r, J- w明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner* f# _& m# Z, H( z5 S/ M" L* [2 G( K
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
& j2 S: L- Y! J1 h这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling7 Y1 t# l# B* z) \' A2 Z' j
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..9 W) L( D" f" z
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
/ R: v9 [% @( @: P& t* ^我并不以为然。4 d  `! y0 H6 Y" q- w) L0 P
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
% A* J/ k$ w5 w6 y/ g3 m慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .' o( y1 H2 v+ b) f% I" ^
被一种情绪所左右,. \2 m, r$ X5 y3 \0 o2 {" R
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .* x6 L1 V$ [/ {& K
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
4 Q! N/ j0 L1 o/ J也不问我是否喜欢你,' J% @0 U' }. ^9 b
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.  |6 V6 o* k  L+ r5 g: U
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you) B0 R$ c3 ^& T3 h4 I. s/ K
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you8 z( _9 ^6 d( a, |6 e4 z% i5 c
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
0 c2 f0 w( m" o5 E% \/ k然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 2 k; P, ?% K" |9 F
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
3 ^" |, Z# V- a4 K: q* L记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
6 z# J, _# e5 ^3 y* c你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! , r2 L' e- h2 g/ v" s3 }" K/ j
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字0 f2 y( I$ Z, X* Y: a8 ]
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
. W! J8 u( {' P4 J4 r一种声音,and your voice( i( S0 P6 y- a' T8 m
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
$ d0 p9 W! H- ~- M; z掺杂著幸福的感觉。( O! \8 w" a) y7 L" P
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
0 g( f# e/ e/ y* V6 t, O# Q1 K象雪花般撒落在我的心田,5 X& v: Q( d" T
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
! |  i/ T% l" ]6 F+ b( B纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。" s" g. @0 Q* H# X# a# v( w
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss' n3 x& m! e( G' i6 K- ?  N! ]
有一个能够让思念的人,
4 U2 @5 H! `( F$ q5 p- `其实也是一种幸福。; ]8 `7 K, d. E* o
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 4 b6 Z4 T5 K9 r0 ]- K
柔柔的海风,
. [* d2 l% w5 ~/ k; y8 n! k甜甜的夏天。
% t% Z! t' z$ L; t& a* C! c$ K一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
; l- v- |! l0 k) z. p9 {只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
2 Y  m. u6 N8 o' |" p仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 m; X; P) l, k* \5 y0 [( l想和你有共同的情结,6 u4 w2 B8 {; Q% z, g0 L
共同的心愿。3 v2 j5 \0 r* f3 a. D
9 l# J$ r/ f% T+ ?: r% p2 A" ?1 |
/ t9 L! Y0 {7 v* D
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 A5 `* {& A* S; ]  d一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together. M; c# f! [1 L( [' e: e
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ' X5 q& N1 ?  e) a" k
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
9 |4 [1 Q. ^4 G* d/ p6 u『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?( |# g! x, ^, Y: Y4 s% Z
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
$ {. \. H9 o# B0 r浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”9 C9 t1 `' I8 g% _5 ]
或是轻轻的一吻,# b$ h; o- u$ [4 G
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』& V" {$ @. S1 H1 W' k
就足够了. That is enough.4 p: C$ O/ q8 f1 h# N
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
9 m1 `4 R6 m4 H7 l# P终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.8 R$ G% ^( }5 [
萌出了芽,
8 S6 w- ]. F! \# D/ n一如对你的思念,the same as my missing2 G. g; D, F& e3 _$ M
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
# x' J) A- K/ ~5 c) |# ~如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
+ C; s8 x, _* q9 Q. f1 Y- M, a能够牵著你的手,# z( I0 R5 V' P1 m) U8 E
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
6 g7 v+ H8 j, ?& X1 S( j' e让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 0 T: m' {' ]0 Z  F( v# l3 L
慢慢地细读,! R* ~( w/ ~! ]4 v
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. # s9 p2 ?$ D1 {4 P& \% e0 ^
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me : p& J/ J2 q' z0 X1 ~# z1 O- o0 z
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor & J/ `$ U, R5 @6 G9 i; o
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:* }! u% Y" M1 Y+ L7 U
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago. O/ v- H  @0 m4 W7 _5 }
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
& A. z9 R* F: Q8 |change to:lacked
6 M  J0 _) n0 P7 G9 o. v2 n0 F% N0 H$ g猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
2 w. F7 S  r1 J# F2 ^/ T/ ACats often played at the whole hot night.
8 S+ Q" [( j" E, Q' i. a 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及# _9 F1 A# ?# t1 k; T
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.$ b2 j  v; W& r: Q5 z6 ^
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ; Z( @& W# J* W6 `* X5 b
该为:throughyour hands.5 J2 V% N! Q- z9 x0 I0 i
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
5 [' m0 Z' A2 O( o# t不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
, Z  a, K5 |( K3 G2 N$ {9 [至少比我强。
6 w0 @1 @  C4 K$ j/ m( z! o偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... * p4 }3 {) M0 T( ~$ h2 l/ O1 B2 d
3 _; b2 J( c8 k% j% }
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。; A7 C- ?& F+ q- @# E
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
$ d. ^# _; {7 u: U0 q0 _! A" o5 _谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.6 j' ~. L/ v' w8 e
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:- v9 `6 G, X+ |% d) V
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.0 o1 ^) j. a3 O  P
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
" W) e: n. F2 X8 ]9 y4 T Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
8 p" ~8 Z5 S3 j, b% U+ QThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
! v. ?0 }/ v( D+ N0 z6 ISeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.2 [- n/ v3 X! Q7 Q" [$ S* S
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
5 U$ ^  L0 T: r; k! T! V+ W8 f" V# S" ?Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool , h8 Z* c, I. B9 B
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.: A6 U0 B1 z4 i2 B
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.' H( e1 N7 q/ P4 j4 |
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
  {: e& z$ X* B- ?That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.7 K4 x3 k( {+ s) q9 V1 q1 o- M8 ]
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.+ m1 k* n- E3 Q* F. m; }
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
5 t2 _" z$ t! n1 ~, J, u0 KIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
: _5 C; p/ y9 I! _( @Intoxicated then feel cold,6 W: h1 c! p3 ]; W5 H; V& M
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.1 i% g$ L: t) Y
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.$ p/ J9 k6 b1 X# H+ {- S+ t
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?' X8 J& g" x  i$ k; Y) J
Why I am always hoodwinked!+ ^5 `! F! K3 i' a3 _# t
I have told myself many times cautiously % _1 K: q9 ]( J9 x* W' P8 k
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig." B# A2 y0 w% T% e
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
% ?3 N" ~5 R  D: M7 t* K4 BWhy can`t I take it easy?
  b4 ^/ g: m2 _& R! t) F" OHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!* [/ d* [  `* r' e  D
When the quiet night comes
; N' Q- E3 h: iyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
$ W$ c' v5 l+ Z% o# k" I7 F) EThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.1 S0 e+ W) `6 s+ L# B5 t/ p
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
/ T- ~2 k0 V/ ~. Nlight the dark corner in my mind.: _/ n" E3 R3 f: C7 D
I feel a bit of cozy.
/ n3 R( p; h% T/ M& V9 dThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
- X9 c# [+ c# N: W9 @7 Dmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.4 U( B+ |* Z' H6 o* Q+ d9 A& Z0 b5 p  o
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
5 s2 V+ D) p( M6 X" Rbut accompanying with the time passed
# ]) G1 z; C+ pI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,5 ^4 b: |0 Z' r, M9 v' m
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.6 y. `& X" {  U/ u, Q0 s( A
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
( v- P: `6 f1 A* {( Q( K! z0 D9 r5 sonly feel gracious for your existing,
; \( e7 @! o) w# q1 @4 g$ Qonlt want to do something for you.  S4 t& F9 u: Z2 r
Every time when you meet me
. X, L6 L' ]& R/ ?the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
1 C2 z: _4 T$ _; |2 A3 |but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
* o! o8 N. U0 ~. WThat live in my heart.
) f1 m) T) Q8 s. ?Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
' \" a! u& `  K$ U6 x- H4 nEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
: i8 N* G) X8 a0 E6 {: g7 Mmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.: d3 t: Q+ @8 M1 W! ]( Z* q7 S; z9 Q
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
) H4 [9 W7 e; ~3 C, P/ @0 j& _/ `suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.1 N# J0 I# C" w0 I+ H. h
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
3 K+ f" U0 Y; Q% r, h. s* f" Qespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.) i' e1 |! a( {, B  J. T& x
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
3 x) M9 o& `2 oonly waiting for you quietly
/ I/ C+ B7 c7 Sjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
: O' D- j  f' L5 Q1 cI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
2 ]( f$ r+ x8 Q8 Oand enjoy the rain washing together
+ w& R. S4 }) m+ }6 i7 lor rush to a film
$ ]# v8 H) o2 }+ I4 oor listen to a music quietly.
- W6 {& D1 ^! p* NWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?# g" V* c  U3 V
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,5 a  o1 m: |3 {% U; l
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".- y, ~. [% j1 [" P* S1 c: I% m( B
That is enough.
# J! U( W, ^* o# }. m, eMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
" x% ]; Y' n: c! i- `3 g1 Vfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,0 q" ?. l  N3 s3 [% R  o
the same as my missing.
( |. J2 k' M) WIt comes a little bit of verdure.
- ^$ g# B4 D+ X& ?* w2 I& RIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
; E! l7 h" W0 Fthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.. y; x- ]6 m' H* g
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
3 L+ L  i6 J  V8 M6 G$ ~, a5 XI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
! }) {  i! z1 R( B  ~* B# ^5 t3 _) ~At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,% x: G+ E1 J' t6 W4 z+ x! i
then I will have all care and ardor.1 H3 O! u) }( p/ q& `& w" X
Shall we walk arm in arm?- [1 u2 {) F5 R  e% @2 X" E
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
6 l0 C. p0 f6 A2 {, ?( |- KLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 a- G) G$ j5 P' U9 X
I am still the same person of yesterday.$ k9 M+ t  Z8 w! L' l1 l
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
: Q7 ^" I2 F2 Y/ K+ FSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 8 [! z& P& N& ~% S  C7 Y
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
  w- Q' u% A3 j. O# u5 IMore or less,5 ?% R, q( a) a3 x; N$ w
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
9 U/ r* B, E5 Z( b) p
* Y4 `$ C" D2 |9 }7 jSummer easily slips away
" J% ?5 C" T  _( ~+ S, l% oThose long lost hot nights
+ H7 F; T& m. y. f  b  L can only be found in the old days.
5 W! }; v2 E) o4 ^' W. A6 z, M& b9 |2 X/ K, x/ O3 F9 f7 ]
Cats jumping over the window sills,
0 \3 \! Z5 f  |- Pchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ) B- O' }2 x0 V1 I- m# p- O
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
/ T5 n1 H8 T, FLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
9 T, G% s. d4 L1 n+ J' }' [! d6 A$ zI am still the same person of yesterday.- V: E& R! F# e
Unchanged name, unchange ...
6 Q3 X/ A" d2 z, g& j: J
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
. r5 U# ^) W/ s3 k5 g1 v( lGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.4 u* x& @% _* k8 G; n% i! w
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 S( q3 h! |; }& j
I am still the same person of yesterday.: Z# W  p' X0 W: \% u( S9 Z
Unchanged name, unchange ...

. A8 a) u/ _) Z. P/ P! y  Yi like it.
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