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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,! ^0 g( O+ v: S" q6 W
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
7 T" N; z! z; E! |) J4 ^/ \. n零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 0 c. R; ~' o5 l$ B5 T& b
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
9 t; }& z4 K- ~9 M梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.0 ~4 t0 s! Y1 w; U. M1 V
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.9 d9 e: ?# `9 @4 r* M# @& }$ V5 b
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.5 k+ \9 n8 p' s
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
$ e: z- A& W: F. C( L就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.4 O# }) U. I, z; g
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" l, u6 N7 w* |5 c. x$ X8 b那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
1 ]0 y! i) I3 T7 e# H% X4 @世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.1 D0 m+ c" v8 O+ ]" ^7 r% R/ T
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
! H  [6 m9 x, u0 T想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
2 i& J) d9 \8 H0 B6 r# |1 l1 `最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 1 P" L8 v- P) p& A  H1 \8 N
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?5 L) b" k4 `8 W! t( D  j$ |
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
9 ^, b' u8 W1 [7 i4 k$ O* o. o% O, ?9 {迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.  u) S; I# P$ `: G: d) q! F6 m
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.! P! {7 R' F! O
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
+ ~, p3 s/ a' h$ y; |5 VWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     …." P2 R; N6 H) ^+ ]% ]' [4 f
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
( q' e5 L3 s* m4 B% A不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
) [$ B4 U2 q) J# _  H" r多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 5 B$ y: C/ X: f8 c1 k; P* a) B
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
  P5 x* S( N$ Z( S: b多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
/ z' P( L. d7 A8 u永难平息的泪* s% ]* ]5 W; ]
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
8 \( ?" ?, i; t5 A~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
" u6 R4 m. B7 p/ e当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
# ~) P2 m* V  w$ J- T: F2 ]8 \让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
) B6 \/ k: B. y+ ]# }你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 4 r+ U6 X, g1 P7 K$ ~, Y
一抹微笑;
; `  ]+ k( A2 p2 [" J" G, D一个手势;% s( x' J# W% v) c, d7 f* f
一片话语,
7 l6 n) y$ [& U- B: B1 T% B+ n愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
& j1 o6 W5 W& l明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
  I% ]( u: F3 l心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
1 x5 D( b! Q2 M% d这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
: N/ f: n, |/ i也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..- r( D, h; Z  d
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
4 H6 i  h) S$ J- A( ?- W我并不以为然。
9 c  p7 \0 Q( a; [2 x* {/ e可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
: l: y- V5 g7 [3 Z慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .3 @( w8 Q) F/ x3 g/ X  v/ r5 Y
被一种情绪所左右,
1 s" m, r9 l8 ]( p9 N总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
/ \6 h5 Q$ G8 q$ Z8 G即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you, q% {6 t; O/ q4 @3 |% r! i- u
也不问我是否喜欢你,( v1 h$ s* p1 y
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
3 D% ^' X$ o6 ]1 H/ j8 R只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
& S" a- ?$ G- k5 `3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you* K9 v- Z3 C0 j
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil0 [& `. f$ G( s+ _
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere % v! ]& L5 Q$ D
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
! m# V. q. J0 u记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
' |. C* ]' Y) Y9 ~; B5 ^你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! + \2 e" {9 D1 j0 u/ O
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
; A  @/ _# t9 b7 l6 P9 n哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
$ r# M) v+ ^& N9 v1 G4 ^. [一种声音,and your voice8 ~: `: ^( z( ^9 P4 i& ~0 m
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.( F& k( P! ~; U  t
掺杂著幸福的感觉。1 h# s, X- j  e& [5 P" w! d+ ?' h
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land6 `, B  Q+ B) q" h# P% Z4 x
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,* }/ J0 S% F/ Y! c' J
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
# z( c" {1 k: f1 l) ^) B纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。5 i( Y6 {9 n5 V- [
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
6 f) C; B2 Q! _6 n& M3 R有一个能够让思念的人,
3 Z& g! H4 S$ z) u+ s. R其实也是一种幸福。
9 r$ D3 r  B) G, D/ B尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. : ~4 l; G  d, g* W8 s# q+ |
柔柔的海风,
# y& d: R" A9 e& Y. Z( z甜甜的夏天。# m+ j/ I0 g$ ^) P+ Y. b( v) t9 H3 M
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
  o) q0 W* h7 i' N5 i只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.5 n9 R! n$ u9 x/ _' @! _: B0 }
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
% v+ E1 ]; D. G* z+ B: H想和你有共同的情结,8 ~9 Y% }. [$ O8 _
共同的心愿。
3 s% r$ c; w0 T* [! k% D+ Y+ U" @0 t1 {, |

- q/ i! p# @& |6 B4 x好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you9 q: E5 f2 ^3 S/ I: F  N
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together0 _3 U# Z0 b/ ]* {5 r
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 9 r3 S, w  h2 l- O2 x! v
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
6 v$ Z3 Q& g' L( g' S『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
$ a  A! J8 g9 s我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
/ |- }- ^. p# w! H0 q9 C, P浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
( I8 |8 C. n4 ~+ v! W或是轻轻的一吻,
! y: {8 O) U/ R& x, `" q再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
  r2 M  J- A0 _  ^就足够了. That is enough.
1 S0 |6 q* m3 Y( q0 @7 @) _这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! # }' r; f8 C' [5 K7 Z. A, r
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.0 }0 m/ |% g4 O) }& u
萌出了芽,4 ^# B8 y4 Y; i1 I0 \( l
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing( N: l8 T, u+ _& m- G. \
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
3 a" y+ S$ L, z0 v如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand8 I9 o% m3 v( h1 w  O
能够牵著你的手,. U4 D3 U9 h5 _* G4 t
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
/ V0 w, ~2 [+ U让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
5 s$ Q& ^% Q( X! \2 k慢慢地细读,3 ]0 [& g8 O' d( Y/ U9 v# T
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ' S6 h$ i( y3 x$ ^: j- w
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me   o% a3 p. C; ?" y) L5 D# g
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor * I1 W4 F% i$ L( H$ m8 m% T
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
+ J- ^8 @/ u1 N7 p6 c6 H现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago, J" j2 Y7 P( y* |) [3 V/ t8 m0 V
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
" N: j1 @: j9 ]) |! bchange to:lacked6 L; d, U* F! t1 ^; b0 F
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
5 v# K- x6 {; R" V# M* a9 }Cats often played at the whole hot night.& M9 f9 Q7 R5 m& Q% U2 L
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及% {3 m: r' b  D0 v9 k1 f
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
# ]" _( ]: f5 [8 _$ O! GI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
! u7 _# ^. d+ f2 X! ?9 a% K该为:throughyour hands.; X2 k: E' \4 }8 ~% [0 A
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。: ?* Y; c& C) |
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。* |+ e$ E) z# S; S
至少比我强。6 r9 r( E$ `/ w( Y3 z0 N
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
4 ^0 e* w6 V' `( \0 n+ H
! N4 |7 n9 ~/ D# j; v这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
# J4 z3 n8 I1 V: z3 E  [3 W后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.: F* r3 G4 C: V
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.$ b% P: [1 v# _- V
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:) `" g5 G: t6 d3 A. h
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
4 S1 v: t* f- f; V: q$ OPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.$ M  O7 G; t& v9 k
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.( }' p1 T5 C; s$ S  O( Y8 D
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
  }4 r5 ?0 l. e! H+ ?. C0 x! V7 t5 JSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
) u5 Q5 h& t7 j: L* D6 {' `! b0 BSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
3 n2 N/ Q" G# I: ^+ TCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
% Y4 U+ H! C: n# tlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.' J! |4 @2 c* I) ^+ E. b! d
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.% Y2 H+ [! }7 C9 r$ d6 V: v
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
, N) D) P) `- }" bThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.4 u4 @: @) x0 n5 R3 ]+ T
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up." k9 E9 M- L. \
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
# ]! p* B$ g( S* j; MIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
) R' z  o/ Z" x* ~) T# O# PIntoxicated then feel cold,# H' v% U  S& Q: `
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.' j" F3 o; k" s
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
. Q& R! ~% B$ l: `The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
/ C4 B0 j/ J: h8 v7 A& f$ SWhy I am always hoodwinked!
* h/ r5 x7 D4 t: r: o! Y* RI have told myself many times cautiously & l: s) C* C3 B) k7 y6 U
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
' a( h1 W+ v$ q4 H- FThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.+ n& ?% z5 U/ x) |( C3 r0 v
Why can`t I take it easy?
) A& D0 Y5 M$ o# J# w! v, HHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!! S$ U8 y; P3 f/ Z
When the quiet night comes  W! W- ^  Z4 l. j2 A0 Y8 c5 e
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes./ B0 \% R% R4 H5 w, F; W  q+ k# [
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.5 ~$ R5 _4 O& G7 q* `8 J
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,9 N3 @/ I4 H, x
light the dark corner in my mind.
) D8 w$ O: B. F) [2 g8 ]; I5 ^I feel a bit of cozy.+ r  r# a- r% O9 t
The deep attached to you in a twinkling5 r  j1 k4 w; d' @( R
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
. P7 W- h  Q7 w6 Y4 D3 J/ \, J+ ZI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,3 I% S" ~& [' h! q# P& _
but accompanying with the time passed! g! h, T! a) U, l7 ]1 y
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
/ T; M, ^3 y% ?* z) S7 n) O. _. galways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.& O. Q& {* m$ ~, Z7 s6 x4 Y! Q
Without asking if you like me or if I like you; K7 }/ F0 K6 v6 W$ j% H0 }
only feel gracious for your existing,. W# h5 t" ]) u4 c4 T5 t, x8 ~% A
onlt want to do something for you.1 a9 p7 A+ q' u9 U, X
Every time when you meet me
$ d3 K2 _/ H- h7 \the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
: a6 a5 ]/ b" m% V9 xbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
( P6 E7 `& ~" U$ ZThat live in my heart.. l' V( q- w- d! e( W
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?6 l2 n. `+ l# O- ^& _# a7 y! z
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice2 f$ r4 ~& N8 i
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
( w* X2 E9 }/ e# cThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
5 b5 h& g4 c6 [$ ]- V, rsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
: J8 v& n  ^6 w% ~Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,9 l6 H* m: G+ ?% b* Y0 u
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.# G9 ^2 I7 v* ^( ~1 w( c2 q# i
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" V' ]2 ~' v9 N' \" {' }only waiting for you quietly
& c) I8 G3 i  z! `6 g* h  q+ T* Qjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.8 t6 f+ u, S: R+ l! U  H
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
& N+ x' \& P2 t7 r+ }( c: fand enjoy the rain washing together
" n. m3 [! P  Z- ?6 V9 G) Qor rush to a film$ ~: r  Z/ J  a9 B9 K
or listen to a music quietly.7 `5 ^! C2 d$ d' i, E
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
8 ^6 H: `4 p- jIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,6 n" [4 g% z$ D( i' i/ K
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".+ f6 q1 u; f% t% W
That is enough.
4 u# Q$ a0 A& r0 EMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
" G1 o( B( }- I7 k$ o; c; Cfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
4 X* o' P/ f; s9 p; S& c5 g8 I2 t+ athe same as my missing.' a( |% d2 W4 j
It comes a little bit of verdure.
; {" A! M6 @9 F8 \; x% P3 O, tIf, If some day I can touch your hand, * {8 y5 a" ], `9 g9 `8 \0 N
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.. M% p8 P6 q; y% E) c
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
: @0 u' b: p+ n% O6 iI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
: a* d8 B3 p1 m7 wAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
7 l) B5 q1 i* Z- F' Vthen I will have all care and ardor.  T9 c# h- b; Z) ?' H
Shall we walk arm in arm?
8 G, Y* i2 y1 I+ O呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.2 ~, |- x# _. P: U  |( {& E
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& t" k# n( y& d0 X4 {& \' P  U, ~I am still the same person of yesterday.
( C: V$ b  k. q' S1 ^Unchanged name, unchanged I.! H0 @$ |+ Q; p3 P& B8 w$ [: s( \
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
. I" w  D' ^$ g* eLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.  }7 e. R+ D0 _/ v5 s, I$ ]
More or less,
' R; r% m4 X& Z. G" } a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.$ D( m. `- }9 h" j7 V

, v# u( R, w2 Y0 L/ ^Summer easily slips away
; n+ O6 G$ E8 ^; oThose long lost hot nights
/ a( K% M; Q6 r* ` can only be found in the old days. / g: S: ]* d! R& j
$ }% C& p' l* D) ?$ \, y; g' [0 r  R
Cats jumping over the window sills, # o1 K2 E% i' ?
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
2 l0 F  j& a  wGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.) e% Q! w! _  y* @6 \1 |- r0 [3 i
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- W# Z( J; n" H( R5 Q9 eI am still the same person of yesterday.
( u. r7 r- z' S2 xUnchanged name, unchange ...

9 i5 X1 T/ c7 f1 u" o
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
+ z! f! T7 s% O% I# o4 y! @Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.* v9 y/ }) _0 A
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
" H$ e3 x2 c0 Z1 ?I am still the same person of yesterday.: r( B- W$ F, w% b/ w& Z) [
Unchanged name, unchange ...

! }( J3 t/ z  T- U: A0 O/ Mi like it.
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