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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
" K9 @2 L5 D  i. f( m,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ' |4 |9 l/ M. r$ ~+ p- I) h
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 6 y/ s5 v0 t1 T
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name." j7 \- E% n8 x4 Y  a2 i
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
8 ?% h# `& P1 b2 q' I' G9 O眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
# H6 C( L% h) R. X$ X夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
( s& n! Y5 T! t* U& p4 G( T猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.9 R$ ]: x5 F. R6 @& @+ N; I1 z, `
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.  f8 C* ]5 R# C
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及) F8 A9 H0 d: z3 D; Z
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
5 ~: U& Q' y$ T% ~0 m( B* o世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.4 W6 _% j, s5 R% ^+ A+ O* J8 u
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.  o1 @- d0 ]* ^
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
2 \3 C) P* N2 S) v7 b. k  z  w! C最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
& ?; Y4 D) I0 S5 D; Q寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
$ ^8 d; G/ r. M) L/ [" `5 Q, m, T6 d醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
, u5 g( ]- o2 D: ]5 `: I* l2 V: |迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
- N9 F8 x. ~2 B; j最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.# l. x; @) B( s" _, A
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?2 a+ x/ a% e: P
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….$ w1 K4 N  i/ m! d+ M4 i
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously6 i) }: K* E; E+ c" O. f  ^- ^
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
8 ]" g1 q( V! W1 G& P% v多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
2 j0 R6 W  }) U为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
3 [- u5 {( x4 U多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!$ `* }% `5 y# Q3 @& O
永难平息的泪. @. t! s+ x$ T1 S0 I0 X8 _. V
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
' f& _  Y, {; \; e~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
/ o+ U, G2 Z! r4 x: q当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.: O" N+ `" G1 R7 {. b$ }
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,8 z+ t3 f8 q3 a
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul - a% X' Z* R9 Z% e9 V/ m5 D( S
一抹微笑;% m/ D5 I4 j% ^" P" `
一个手势;
. l6 U* o& M) I/ T" ~4 f一片话语,
. d' E* ?1 C- ~$ i愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、2 u4 q$ y3 {  @/ r
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
6 p4 X7 w0 u  j& R3 k心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
1 E- U  n# k" d) z- x  e这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
/ T8 z5 O$ h6 D# H2 b& r  n也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..6 B4 x: T# Y  h: a2 t. \7 }: I
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
# D! p, ?7 |8 E我并不以为然。. F+ s' o; c9 b# w0 q) ]+ D  w  T
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
3 n  }: z. D" _1 S( @5 Q7 f慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
( x+ O# L* R6 R# Q$ G6 s$ q被一种情绪所左右,$ L. t! N( i; A4 t
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
' O( j8 q: c3 J7 k. }1 H( Y即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
( S- I' W7 o6 R+ `# m7 d- d也不问我是否喜欢你,' ], V# X( b, O; B" ~* r8 z) l
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing./ r, d" ~! {, @# T1 f2 `8 x  w7 z
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you- P' ^0 c5 `" X1 g5 E" w) Q1 v
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
" g& o$ O6 g. u9 a/ k6 @" ^7 R心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
- F1 Z9 O- y% H# U然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
! n3 x' L1 f3 d8 @* E# P: G你的身影已化成一种氛围,7 [3 J- n+ o1 s' f2 S
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
% \  @2 f5 G7 `5 V6 o  c6 A你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
1 s) S0 a- ?% u9 o+ L2 D随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
& u8 r: o8 a( h: {% }( N哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,! S- ~: X/ m$ E3 ~- Y6 ^
一种声音,and your voice& F! Z4 O8 R6 g; v4 [
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.$ U* T2 ^0 T, U# I9 f; K
掺杂著幸福的感觉。$ \) o0 E" ~) _3 }: A( \
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land) r( X: U: r% r- Q. h
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,; ^5 a) |4 k* t6 n
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
6 F% q* J  H& x7 k" E5 c) ~纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
  Q8 ^; \! d. s, @! T0 k4 g你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss7 C/ w. S6 @0 b0 p& w
有一个能够让思念的人,3 S3 L! w2 a7 `& H% W. a' s
其实也是一种幸福。
" s. y2 S8 z7 V0 P& G尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. $ X" c4 K+ b3 C1 v$ ~4 I
柔柔的海风,
, Z7 c! Z) @  o' j  D甜甜的夏天。- z; J! |: B. M( N  p" y4 e+ q) A' V
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ; D5 C) g1 {/ S: f5 y, v" x
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly./ q9 B& s1 J* V9 ~' F. ^0 c
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 D4 t: M, Y6 `) G" @, E. t/ W$ V想和你有共同的情结,
* c; l- r$ a2 o6 V: u& o- ]共同的心愿。
! M2 h/ H  k0 D" a- y; I) O5 O) @# V+ w
+ J( }. ^- a. A: t! @
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you7 I8 o, P7 p* H5 R0 p
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
  u6 m0 x2 \6 n) y/ @/ x1 y8 F# V或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
3 [$ N; O0 Y' V) R: J* d或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.( O9 y. K  R! u
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
% P4 b3 g" f3 E+ Y我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
6 T; P/ c- B0 a' ?3 ]" y浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”% H' ^/ f# ]) n& e- l: H# j  y1 B- x
或是轻轻的一吻,; B( t. F( j5 ]* e: ~( }. G4 `
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
$ R9 S$ C8 N3 q- ?就足够了. That is enough.+ G4 ^: T$ i9 S% {$ r
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
. l7 X. q+ O( U. L/ ?2 ^' i0 v终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
; a# F$ j8 t4 y% ^萌出了芽,1 _& Y, r2 g0 W) w  [" I" W
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
" I) l9 L3 n' M6 n. p浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.9 N2 r5 F2 s+ C* B# X- H
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
1 k2 Y/ ]: Z; v能够牵著你的手,
2 {& Y" R/ y$ F& Z那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.5 D9 U; r! c* y) A9 m5 O+ J
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
7 [, n" B: P1 r1 P/ u慢慢地细读,
* z+ I. J, s* P4 |我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
$ F: w7 N( V" C) S# e* o在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me # _( y# h7 L& ~$ ~2 T# @
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
3 r& i9 u3 z* V就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
! O: V) }+ Z" N3 @/ s现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago' h( G2 X) ~* s
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.# K) T. `$ n6 r6 J
change to:lacked" q  e1 H% p( U' N
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
! H6 g5 Y. A( n0 cCats often played at the whole hot night.2 i# T: K0 M# }* q9 ^* d7 b) f4 V
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
2 l' F1 c7 f, ]改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
5 z4 P4 `; J  v# r9 TI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. & A: Z4 Z# T: s9 `: n
该为:throughyour hands.) M- C, T+ X0 T6 I% H/ I
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。7 Z  p9 D9 p; y0 r& U  v1 q
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。7 s: _* E  H6 N2 {$ Z; G
至少比我强。9 U" {; ~( G) d9 K0 n
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
" C0 B, S  ?8 `: p/ t3 ]' @
) u, V- u# b0 N. \这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
3 |& E5 A: o3 l( r9 P, U- Y. e# P后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
7 s* ^+ F& J, m+ D7 u谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译., B: \9 l" }% F. v, w% f
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:8 z9 H  h5 ~, z1 U+ ]" _
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.' F' ^1 |7 S) E0 u. w2 H7 z
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running./ E/ S/ Z5 `' ^! b: L
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.5 X: c% q( b, J* H5 a, T. f
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
: k8 }. w  ^3 |2 ~, F6 JSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
2 H. n- X8 H! e4 o0 ]Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
) E! `6 J2 [! R+ N7 cCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
" N! U* f2 T, ?% ?6 dlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.5 K2 j$ Q" h7 o( d
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
. b! x% a% E4 h/ w/ d+ Z. CThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.- Y' |9 U6 n/ r" @5 a
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
5 N: K8 T0 T' s* G: H& V% z: @I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
4 g( C3 o0 t9 OI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
4 k/ q$ k8 m& _5 Y2 A- ^9 j" IIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?0 |' k. g9 y" B4 S1 A1 D
Intoxicated then feel cold,
' a/ B2 O7 d  g% P  S7 Cthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.: a, E. [/ |. h. \: k, C# I
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.9 D2 I+ A2 J. N  _* i- E( F; ?
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
" q' d, Y4 w( ?9 v; QWhy I am always hoodwinked!) k& V: g+ n3 f8 h+ w
I have told myself many times cautiously
6 I# r9 y; q2 Q9 Kdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
7 {# h4 w  \% ]9 A5 WThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.* n* o; z+ _: ^( Q" }; Q$ T/ O
Why can`t I take it easy?
8 }3 K, v: _4 S8 ~4 O/ n5 }/ _How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
: e6 P% H* ^# t/ R( g3 @$ lWhen the quiet night comes2 S/ c! h- g0 N8 s& W7 `& C
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
) H5 ], X; P( c( uThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.7 d& P/ `6 q- x' n% I7 ]2 B
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
& r# [/ ?6 P6 `' n  _light the dark corner in my mind.
- I7 ^( M4 L8 B& N' m3 sI feel a bit of cozy.
( v1 p& M# p! T0 L$ s, y; ?( [1 FThe deep attached to you in a twinkling; N8 [+ }- e4 ^; f" O
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.4 {. h% H9 K6 g. ]$ ]5 p% a
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
# O& Z1 M) G' \4 a* cbut accompanying with the time passed
5 [( _8 [  m; ^6 ~4 ~I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,% J% q# e; w- t9 ^
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
4 P! M( N  _& L* I" s- O5 ?2 w1 @& oWithout asking if you like me or if I like you: G  h3 @/ [" E* K9 o+ n0 H9 b
only feel gracious for your existing,4 ], n% Z" C$ }, X8 y
onlt want to do something for you.
" _8 |# O7 p+ N+ f% f% A7 JEvery time when you meet me8 j  y0 k+ v8 z1 R8 P! r6 o  t
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
1 }+ m3 _5 i! cbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere4 N% h' u5 q/ K' a% G) P, T8 r
That live in my heart.
+ u) D/ F3 n/ O- u4 X/ A" A1 ADo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?6 F- M- g1 j8 b: U
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
6 `4 G( R" f" R: g% Q8 zmake me gently distraught with happy feeling., W$ f' O3 Q! a( \0 n
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land& d4 x/ x- t5 t" D1 t
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
8 B1 A/ M' l7 t5 UDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,2 p# N2 \& z0 A8 P% y7 P& K  j+ L+ ?
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
% A/ E8 l8 {+ u; m! q- RSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 5 l% i0 j7 x" ~6 s& O0 o* }' M& w" i
only waiting for you quietly
* J' W0 J5 J& U$ sjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.( C2 V- s" |: J/ K
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you . `1 Y) `, t; i) j. s* D
and enjoy the rain washing together' E9 P$ ]7 s& T# S
or rush to a film
6 D# C) v2 b) X3 Jor listen to a music quietly.
' O$ E* Q; A7 f6 _* z& s) m0 ZWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
3 ]6 q' X* O; j% m6 VIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,; j; d2 m. m+ f: S+ U4 f4 W. `1 c
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
# E6 v3 Y! m% F" pThat is enough.7 X. N& \" `7 o/ ~
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
  Z  q4 y' S" |9 o! G8 Cfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout," r( d" F8 |9 r/ L3 n, J( H
the same as my missing.
: p: \, F' r) _! P& {It comes a little bit of verdure.
1 n7 e7 L- {& [8 b$ U! }7 RIf, If some day I can touch your hand, & P/ c$ @9 _* i
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.% U  t0 `& v, _9 h2 g* O0 W
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.- D( }( U/ \' h" Q7 b
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
. n6 _7 B( a1 ?2 f7 K* N* kAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
: e8 y! {' H+ R. y1 [) V" R" [then I will have all care and ardor.
+ b! ~: U7 p/ r( ^/ {/ IShall we walk arm in arm?
' J. F% [* A, i- \+ T3 I呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 Y( o. `1 U3 J+ S" l: yLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.- p- u1 g; A! P0 \2 J  b& i
I am still the same person of yesterday.
% H; d; D2 e7 N" }/ a( uUnchanged name, unchanged I.4 b; O; Q" p3 r1 H) }9 n3 y2 Q
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
, Y; a- |: U( X! D7 xLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
+ h- p" W$ D' l. d" k3 OMore or less,
' t; C  E& P8 k0 a3 J6 g a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
1 U) D- P* g& F! K) s
- F+ Q- P- B7 U/ G& ?5 o4 D4 |9 HSummer easily slips away
. V: d7 o; M0 t1 ^5 V5 R3 z. L6 eThose long lost hot nights- ^! p7 l* U7 o- Y2 {; t
can only be found in the old days. - y) b# L: L0 q" ^

6 W  b1 g2 r" u; SCats jumping over the window sills,
. j  R% ~2 K' B1 @$ Z$ gchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
& n5 I1 j! g& o+ ~7 s) a! d+ NGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
7 d/ W% S9 r2 x. C( O: sLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& ~$ k! R# X# E
I am still the same person of yesterday.+ l+ l; O6 ]" t* M2 u# d( l# q
Unchanged name, unchange ...
$ _' E! z% B$ v$ o. o1 n1 b5 c
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . _1 {: m' @' i4 O! X8 Y
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.$ o  t% i# |! I7 p& {6 |
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.. G: B3 {# ^% x6 T
I am still the same person of yesterday.
$ b& Y+ D* o& x  A2 AUnchanged name, unchange ...

+ D6 m0 G/ s' R# }; _i like it.
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