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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,' s/ |/ A* Y& U% x
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
0 _; G* j8 \% p; D* s+ ?0 d- a5 n零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . . S2 }' |' d8 K" j
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.3 @$ M, E1 W8 _4 q9 C
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
2 ?3 o$ ]! |5 K+ C) T眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
7 t$ q9 v) ^& N& {* S: g夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
9 z: M! h. U# p- a8 n( B/ C猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
8 h8 @  l3 e$ V- o就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.' g: j- y* ~! }8 ^
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
) ^3 q8 u5 \# a0 B1 U% ]那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。8 o* X' @# t- l$ g- Q
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
: e; v6 W3 a% G& J; c昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
1 X$ {) W7 |! V' c: T想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
$ C: J! u3 c3 z* K# O  e* X最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 8 q8 e5 ^$ o1 ^% |0 e) \
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?2 v: q+ [( V$ n8 ]
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
* p0 n1 u0 t8 n0 |1 F迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
6 a1 R% r# A6 Y9 w  }$ I% B/ I最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.) q* Y( [- ?4 x: \
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?2 c. {! r, e' p
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….* I* r0 I2 S( w1 L4 Y# c
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously( V* T/ U- I) ~0 a+ [- v3 z) K3 Z) N
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.5 H0 g! x' C/ z
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
% ]$ H7 N3 t  g- j4 P$ A为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
. A3 ~! L$ v- ]* J3 x多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!! h) t( H; l- y: v9 Q8 m
永难平息的泪
  }1 i% a1 @; G) i每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes$ m9 G8 g4 q0 N: c# f8 M
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.0 \' a# h1 b" h8 F# \, \7 J; A7 [6 [! I/ e
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
! E7 E* [4 \5 h! p' |  d! U让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,6 ?0 g2 t0 `  p" f/ ]
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul # I' J1 m, k5 k9 D% {& C
一抹微笑;( L8 z9 A6 b6 o5 H  K+ n2 D
一个手势;8 }9 U7 R0 v, o3 ^( L
一片话语,: X/ b9 z# }& Z5 n  {4 D. Y
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
3 h8 z2 E+ @$ X, {% K+ r3 ~# c, _明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
8 K; V+ {6 @: N; F0 _9 P3 X心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.9 }4 V( w/ ^- o
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
9 l& z0 \2 m. f$ Y! E; x也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
( j( ?2 T1 k; f- ]$ a起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,* `7 i  p/ [( m; o3 T3 k
我并不以为然。1 S7 v: ]5 b: n5 W8 g5 e' n
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
: q' q0 ^6 W& h# W! z) y4 E' `( v慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
% D6 t; M/ s$ ?被一种情绪所左右,
- C" {# }  c, [3 ?! l! R总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .3 @/ Y: s: Q6 _2 M0 M
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
- Q  J( o! [* c& d6 Y  B- R# I也不问我是否喜欢你,1 j9 n9 r$ W2 D  d# u$ y
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
6 |! E7 o9 C; o6 H9 }; Y只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you- W# S9 Q/ l: _8 Y) B6 w
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you  {( G  h+ k+ ]$ w
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
& T; {( _, t3 d. T" u然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ) Z1 q. j. Z3 u' m
你的身影已化成一种氛围,! ~; @7 [' U9 w% O$ O& t) a' c! M( i
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
$ W4 j/ V# H) b9 u2 y# l你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
8 N' ?9 d0 A3 X+ w) N1 j& t随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
4 B$ r2 ~, j  p2 L0 Y哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,$ @; l2 C& U  @: v: q
一种声音,and your voice0 I# X( n4 B0 x( D
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
( P5 _7 z6 F" n1 U! P掺杂著幸福的感觉。
" U4 O  U! d5 W与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land  Z! Y9 }  j8 i4 Y8 ]' c& [  R
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,  g$ H$ q3 B9 I$ K) t9 `! S, B% t
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.3 }- f. }1 N1 m3 e
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。; u$ ~( m2 ]; S
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss- O' z4 @  j) [0 `* }# e
有一个能够让思念的人,/ D, y: G! ]& L  `! j6 g1 w7 O
其实也是一种幸福。" m/ {* n2 E, M; u6 a* F
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 5 k: a9 h0 X$ S0 b
柔柔的海风,
; M3 z8 f* l0 n5 O8 N4 u4 x1 N5 K甜甜的夏天。% `. N: X3 {1 X6 L& ?
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy / U# t. U! ]; r2 o! Z
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.) u4 N: `: P1 W* P2 v  ]' `2 q- j
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
; M  n2 T2 ]' _& {想和你有共同的情结,
& ]& B0 n$ y7 B8 w+ L0 z共同的心愿。
1 ]* s! D" ]* C" _
' p. d! @! s8 o3 t' S$ j0 D- X& ^
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you8 E1 v8 V0 j# E+ e' R
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together+ B9 p& {+ Q1 A7 ~
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film % v3 R2 {7 Y- Y! M, H' b
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.: i) y* Y4 J- E. D
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
: u+ a" w% Q! {9 ^/ e2 w0 Y5 M我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
8 A; M$ q# V4 a$ D9 m+ `浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”+ X3 Y) j# v+ Z- Z6 }6 U; S
或是轻轻的一吻,
2 O; g7 i7 t1 k4 x5 r再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』/ d/ l9 ]# T: O! k# y; }
就足够了. That is enough.
& H, t2 m# X  k这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! % ]4 I( I: T$ V2 `7 B' F* w1 V8 ?
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
2 C) w$ G6 ~* `1 y萌出了芽,
+ |8 y* v  x5 n$ \* Q; i7 i. N一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
% S8 P+ M+ C0 R; ~+ C6 S浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.) z* D6 c/ C; W: k; ]
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand" @% \+ o  T$ L6 \! j7 l
能够牵著你的手,
$ I2 ?+ a: g2 r  l. ~& b那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 I* h) M8 j5 k; U' _4 Q" Q' I9 c/ O
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. . O3 W( h, y- G! x! o
慢慢地细读,
! p5 }8 @9 h# S8 w我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
2 I4 G& w  a6 {$ Y1 D3 q8 f在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
, b% x5 h% u  _, ?! D我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
! ^3 f& B9 D7 T+ E& M; d就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
, C- d, u. \! f+ q现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
. E) d9 U, \) C! d3 o8 ]% {# T1 K眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
  t: ^. v, L- ]' x, n1 R$ D4 V" Kchange to:lacked
  h# a/ A. \; U% a0 t2 J猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.% H7 a& S; e; `1 @" T7 J
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
; R, K. O( \4 n; R 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及! W, l" S0 S. r5 I7 @7 E
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.2 \1 W8 I1 o0 `# e3 g$ C
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
% p' M: R( p3 H4 B( I9 B, g9 ]该为:throughyour hands.
6 X- `& F# h7 t4 ]4 Y还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。! m3 O7 t; O3 b, o5 \
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
, u% u$ d8 U2 s, A5 v至少比我强。% c' e7 c) c" X# g3 b
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
2 _5 B( ]7 T0 g3 Z8 y" t* k3 U% m% D' h% M
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。! u# L- ]7 y0 P5 A- m. D
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
3 U+ w7 O; q2 A3 y0 y谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.* h" Y$ ]2 O2 a8 u
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:. u' n7 M& C& p/ S6 f
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
$ d$ w9 U; {' O- mPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
+ n) l2 H; _0 F7 x9 a Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
# a% V4 R# m7 J. v3 tThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.2 L* ^' H' d! C- s! Z, f
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.& v& J1 g5 M& `) Q: J8 K( h* S! f
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:0 a4 z- k2 A8 l( ?; }, h2 q" w" W
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 1 v; S  e( n) i6 U% k( W, C* M. a
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence./ }$ J9 R( I8 S
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.+ v2 p6 j- Z; @: p" j- ]4 J1 v3 h
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.7 N8 |/ T: R6 J! G" m8 z, p& X+ `
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.8 h3 B7 K0 s0 [( {9 Y
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
( J; A- }9 b  EI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.3 A3 ^# s8 y6 e  H' J1 Z
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?' ]9 {9 U7 |2 {5 w# ~5 O% |
Intoxicated then feel cold,
5 o8 `; X8 X3 Y% G- {+ W( F* gthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
, a9 a: q; d; V0 `2 LI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have., ?! L9 \+ B- {6 m& f  y; P; X8 Z/ H
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?+ g( c# N% a' `7 W0 Y
Why I am always hoodwinked!
( v/ Q! y" W( }9 C% o( s0 |$ oI have told myself many times cautiously , e, N/ I2 p9 S# ^" K
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
  P: u0 D- Q5 ?The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.# G/ a5 z, x  r3 u% ^
Why can`t I take it easy?; q. T8 g1 u7 ~% }; {
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
: u6 n3 x9 o$ a( vWhen the quiet night comes
& f9 K+ a  M6 N/ xyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
+ Q+ l0 o8 s# J9 w$ OThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.# P  x- J8 n9 l7 F' F* Z4 I
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
- q* X, q8 I( Z& F  ^+ a( Ilight the dark corner in my mind.- i! n/ x* p% _5 `
I feel a bit of cozy.
- [' T+ ~4 Z$ p; j7 C8 V+ kThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
+ ^% }% y- J7 E: ~( d* r  ~' jmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
8 \# X" i6 ^6 Q4 d  XI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,# w; a3 Q% }2 B0 e* @; ~8 |
but accompanying with the time passed
4 s) ^7 n) y! M' d2 DI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,- n0 d. I7 h7 j: X8 x
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.7 _1 X# G7 I" |8 R& g' G) l- [5 |
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
% E5 J9 x/ K* x; g# n2 lonly feel gracious for your existing,3 Y) }$ q# l9 }0 ~7 n
onlt want to do something for you.7 w! n5 i5 Y; Q0 P2 |: E
Every time when you meet me& X' D- D; P! l3 v" P, r: m
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,+ T0 d  K2 P% K& n7 N- B1 n6 O
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere' ^+ w: \) p% N8 l/ I
That live in my heart.
" K; x* |/ Z$ b; CDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?. `5 ?; k( g* E
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
5 k% X5 \2 C4 d8 c7 r* g: ?make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
  T; i7 A2 {  e7 w8 r6 L9 [1 \9 [The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land! u( e9 a. _  L: U. W
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
2 w# J9 y" Y: {8 DDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
: i* c" g# E4 z5 U' M0 nespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
& y$ g6 A/ \2 J$ B5 N! |! B8 Q9 |Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 8 l5 n  f! m$ m; ^
only waiting for you quietly
6 [, V$ u; U/ [' ojust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
. [$ U% u5 e' f5 y/ q$ _& j( P1 yI really want to ramble in the small rain with you " C/ B: O& x: P
and enjoy the rain washing together, c3 t+ ^' i1 D- M- w8 W' {  D
or rush to a film" V8 L& h0 w; G; M* d. M9 e
or listen to a music quietly.
5 l2 {* }- E! e: hWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?9 |- j* X( J0 l3 n1 d
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
- X" W! g; s1 Z, E- D- Lsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
7 \% s1 F% A5 l5 ]' [  D# EThat is enough.
. W: C- l/ ~4 A. o  zMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,2 t1 E( K! F8 j; e6 K  i
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
- L7 J$ J$ p7 [; n( Nthe same as my missing.
+ M& `: }& ]5 j* \! @It comes a little bit of verdure.6 W& J. k' e, R- l. P, U+ X8 J1 Y
If, If some day I can touch your hand, 8 p$ p% M  e: E( A, [3 n- i2 R$ P
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.3 W- Y- \1 w' f
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.; n8 i$ H0 e1 W/ D/ G
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
* y) W7 ~, F" T3 T7 C6 eAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
/ a0 v/ K% ?9 Z2 ?  q" b+ Othen I will have all care and ardor.
' U- E4 h- P4 W3 a. f0 F! B0 @* W# P7 i( uShall we walk arm in arm?7 y% R& x7 a, g' g3 [
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
8 ^8 Z* `8 y3 K6 v- QLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
2 E) |2 l9 {* q6 D* FI am still the same person of yesterday.
3 ]; Y0 @+ @, N2 }/ ?Unchanged name, unchanged I.1 W6 z$ L% @' {; r* i
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. & t# }/ i$ A$ K3 l
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
' m. V: W7 k* h; J: g3 zMore or less,3 g/ V6 ~2 A! Y+ l' @, Y8 Q
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
' t7 j; i6 x( _+ F' }' r) E9 s1 q. S4 G' M
Summer easily slips away
/ A6 J* n3 H: I! ~4 x% c% ?Those long lost hot nights
# j  e/ }/ k  N* w3 L% w can only be found in the old days. 7 k% y% }' \8 E' h% x$ ^

4 V5 ^3 T; v: B7 JCats jumping over the window sills, ) e# a* D9 \' i; r# _; v9 l  L
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
: D7 Y  N6 N0 d# |& d0 ^Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ |$ u9 J5 e" D! t
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.0 L0 F. p& A  I  s
I am still the same person of yesterday.
9 g; I- M6 M! O( K- w5 C! p' T2 `Unchanged name, unchange ...

1 W! h1 @# F1 f( l0 w+ x0 h
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
4 J7 A  ~8 Z" dGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.! {, Z8 |1 B$ c# C; p4 J6 J
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.4 g2 }1 H. J* b
I am still the same person of yesterday.
" _$ y) L9 a( a) aUnchanged name, unchange ...
% v' K8 Y$ w' H, e
i like it.
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