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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
' P$ E4 |3 A3 P,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
: j3 b1 Y/ x" F' `7 T* {) r3 s$ i零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . - U) r' ?0 x0 u3 X! v: C3 ^6 D
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.& u3 Z! [5 @- h8 g
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
1 R5 J- [; m) g: e+ D) ]眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something." W0 v! h% X: g& d  U: T' k6 ^
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.4 o: r  W/ _3 f: B4 P
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
6 N7 \" |; g: {' o8 ]' A! I就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
, t, B. t  }. ^我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及  k4 j1 C3 |9 I2 v' l
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
; d5 H! Y5 I3 o5 A0 X; ?9 c) ]世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
4 v5 ]: M# w/ f# t. I昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.' l8 B# I& f. R$ ]9 e% r" A
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
9 g5 t& u2 {7 \8 F8 S8 F2 t最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
& f9 W- j$ }4 e) m3 I寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?  i  D7 {! i0 H$ p
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.  E2 D2 ^( O5 K$ _0 _
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
$ X5 L4 b8 n) D" R( E2 W最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.! u  V$ J. L2 r3 |0 u- l
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
/ o7 \- `% _: k- }2 NWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
7 |6 A! L8 I/ ?1 R9 L2 k多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
9 Z$ t& e" k' H( ~' G+ B. M( y不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
* @, O4 g4 N5 q0 p多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
) f0 l# a2 u% D, E* F为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?9 F8 r" m  z: h+ p  j& ~
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
2 ?0 U; f3 W/ K0 x3 w永难平息的泪
5 W; z  }2 Y% G0 |8 f+ l每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
& i8 e3 i! r/ \* ?~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
# X2 t* N/ S# P% Z& s当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
; o6 q, N: Q, M9 C6 p让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
/ Q  M: P! J7 v$ T你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
8 I7 L1 G" j+ w" z9 N一抹微笑;5 f, K8 T- Y: n; q: y
一个手势;8 ?$ d4 [% _, _3 `6 r  _) _$ e
一片话语,
: \& T0 r7 F* e2 I5 Q% |愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
# B5 h! c- G/ f明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
2 z2 {: a" [- z+ v' s3 s心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.$ |" a2 V5 e0 @# Q
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
! L( G( ]: Y# P6 ^2 Q也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.., J; b# y" E; s% C- T% y
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,+ W, Q! `0 \/ ?0 R0 [2 Z
我并不以为然。+ j; C0 O2 L8 O, u! c8 [( z
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
' b% @; k, _: f& w8 p% h慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .8 L. ^6 v1 s" `/ _
被一种情绪所左右,
2 P0 A8 t8 C, H' W! g总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .1 U  w. ~' [. _4 h" ]- n- w) w
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
8 I! J6 o; `2 D; s9 v也不问我是否喜欢你,
& R# C2 f5 s' b% d8 p; `. k5 Z- K0 Z- |对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.1 t! u$ Z. z3 S' h  A2 P$ C- L
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you& ^) k, c& K' B" m, F# f
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you# C2 A: X4 {. s. |
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
( O0 Y3 V6 x; K# a1 E% V0 x4 X然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
. W, k# Y4 [, a你的身影已化成一种氛围,
3 j- u% ?9 e) m" |" q, r记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.3 ~& q# c1 p5 o" W
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! " i$ O/ n( V# P/ d/ k  |6 P
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
1 P1 o# O0 i0 Q+ E' @+ V% d- e哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
8 X( e8 T5 ^7 e1 A一种声音,and your voice
2 }6 ?3 w6 I$ ?0 T# X9 s% V也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
5 b, I2 w: i# K+ q( @7 T. e) n$ V掺杂著幸福的感觉。" |& Q% }8 N0 n9 ]1 i) @. X
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
: V0 q. o& l( s$ \: K+ {) s0 |象雪花般撒落在我的心田,8 k8 \  W8 P5 Y. Q) c" s! ~8 Y
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
5 H- m8 Z0 b- K纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
5 j9 a& u; F2 [8 U你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss6 @2 t$ U1 i$ W2 T0 M
有一个能够让思念的人,
! T4 R' R) _2 c( J: Z$ I其实也是一种幸福。
$ \9 f2 G- m! q* n  ^尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
& c" p/ [* V. H! E柔柔的海风,
- J1 ]' J, j1 O! [* o4 o1 {甜甜的夏天。
/ y% @3 P9 W# A. r一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
- j' k8 b) u5 d4 W只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
5 t3 w7 W; f$ x& I5 c仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
0 @2 J9 j( y2 y2 M, t想和你有共同的情结,% K1 W: }: J1 Q0 C& L/ i8 [! d
共同的心愿。
, ?0 F) ~" e9 N( p
0 e7 U0 j2 p: _1 p% f, _: @3 Z( V8 P# Z) D& |
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
- f7 @4 h& c1 I% P一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
$ H1 I0 t1 @1 b, y+ v  {或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 5 q/ @! n2 ]: H' N! R8 m' Y
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly., @1 D0 r& K/ N. a, `
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?# V% u2 s$ o+ M& P
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
1 A+ h$ l' E7 Q6 m  Q浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
% |8 ]# C+ K4 j- G8 C, h% ]或是轻轻的一吻,
; v% M, |9 k3 c6 ?7 L) N; j" j: ~+ p再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
, w* V' N! y! g1 s2 Q' B就足够了. That is enough.% T0 b* S! z$ I; L
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ; j+ K) K7 i6 @7 @% Y8 i* b/ {( c
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout./ k* Y, i  O# ~1 p+ i" G8 O
萌出了芽,
$ T8 `0 i' {1 w$ I5 [一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
/ J9 @' A0 m4 j& @8 d* E* o浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
7 ?, D7 K3 q$ a  x( l4 Z; A/ @如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
6 \1 _" {. G& d7 D能够牵著你的手,
% y4 s$ S& ]& G# E% q, F7 Q! f那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.: g* J5 H8 `  t% m- M3 k% @
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
& H4 z# \& F) D& V慢慢地细读,$ l" m6 ]% D' p6 H$ G" \$ d
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
; R' s; v- t4 _5 v, Q: y5 Q* s& s在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
; U3 S6 O+ J; v. k我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
3 \# N3 c! }9 H+ t. v, r就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
7 g9 K7 p$ {# j( n" G# Q' m) t现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
4 _) `! b# G1 b/ W5 b眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
0 O- `$ P- V: mchange to:lacked
2 l  E# a8 ?$ G猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.! g6 i  E; i" c3 E0 ?- z
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
: o) O" U. V" Z 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及. V9 k8 X9 V- C8 ^- f* r5 t
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
/ `5 }2 x' S+ F3 P, NI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
3 M6 q* W8 V# |7 E! y该为:throughyour hands.
) W7 G! C1 D% f还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。+ A- p/ P  ?7 U' ^1 C  `) Q
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。, x; O9 f; H* v7 r8 u" [
至少比我强。
4 z' w9 A& {' O: p8 ?" A偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....   z4 U: O/ Y% v4 x* j: ?0 p, h

) j) H+ G5 E( M  o  C这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
& T( C$ X0 C6 ?% O! t后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.& r$ ^$ J- h. M9 C5 s
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
, o2 R# J' F! ]4 s+ p前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
  a9 h9 C. G, q1 a9 ?Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
6 a  @8 G, j0 X8 {2 MPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running./ g, {& m* F. |/ C
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.  ?6 \. [, W% P: {0 T0 p
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
  C; e6 C2 `# o9 K2 _2 uSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.# W" }' R  K: j* Q
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
, X8 T/ ^4 G' M$ dCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
) i1 x2 L( Q# ?# ]/ @like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
4 k4 e) r* j! H7 {I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.! ~. y9 }! q- C! U# x
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
8 D) s& A: y- [- s7 o" s0 x, x- IThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.6 ~+ G7 T9 f" [
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.; z6 u4 m$ z4 Q) _
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
% p7 E( g; _. ~In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
& `3 V7 S' H- l$ UIntoxicated then feel cold,
/ `8 o# l2 X& J& m. Mthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
2 |, E: D& e" J; ]I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.  K4 O. h2 q, {; I
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?. Z: G+ ^6 M. t# ]4 W/ M
Why I am always hoodwinked!
0 `4 r8 f, i  _8 u3 G$ A- fI have told myself many times cautiously 9 T  C3 V$ L, h2 D/ E9 G
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.2 @. m) g3 f- n( U% M: Q+ n
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
8 _$ u5 d! h" w, H& M. EWhy can`t I take it easy?1 E* s; X; V  u. c. P. ~
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
$ y* K( U3 `1 s; ]9 s/ @When the quiet night comes
% R  ^, V9 e4 H) N& E5 |4 Oyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.( S4 p- H2 ?3 |
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.( ^% ~( r4 q+ Y- `
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
* l9 M1 R4 T/ t  g! ulight the dark corner in my mind.
' p/ `, g( t" ]2 V8 J' \I feel a bit of cozy.5 _8 U  C' h9 i
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
& ^# U6 n' x: x  amaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.% n( ^) L: r8 i+ J
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,! g+ A+ q. x& }' l& W
but accompanying with the time passed: X& n  f0 c5 \& H( B% q
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,4 N7 g* U/ C1 Z+ S# S* }; B
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.0 i5 Z) F( m* W6 h% U+ x+ o) d6 a
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
* a+ h6 S$ x8 m* F. F: konly feel gracious for your existing,
- e8 `# a9 H) \6 Yonlt want to do something for you.7 C; L  |( H4 J  f
Every time when you meet me
. z0 w* M7 U" M% R0 ]- Z# y+ @* Vthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,! @/ D3 v" U' |5 p) i
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere% O. B  u0 ?1 |% h
That live in my heart.: Y  r* ~' e4 {" E5 t4 R+ D
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?7 Z8 H2 ^% ^9 {
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice: d+ x! v  w$ h! S4 p
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
2 [1 Q! g# ]9 T& R' _The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
) X5 d- m* w3 H( I# Bsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
2 x- @: J% W" \4 a$ d" h+ xDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,' v- M# b8 _% t
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.  r5 b) |; ~9 r  ~; _9 a# n
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 9 D( Q+ y: V+ B( g
only waiting for you quietly
; {9 {3 ]. L( k! s) Vjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.8 T. {  u6 R' x! J, R; i5 O
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
! g' X' W1 I, zand enjoy the rain washing together% e* f, D, j0 @9 I
or rush to a film, o) d# q$ h0 n% q! D
or listen to a music quietly.
5 ]- a2 f4 D& s" f! S$ N  |& DWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
, ]* H: {& g& M  ?+ X0 SIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
7 M1 |! m, k9 g# msmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
$ {: H7 N  y  {6 E" dThat is enough.) R+ Q7 o. h" M4 h) A0 b
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,8 l) _3 R5 c$ ^( X7 B
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
" t; z) C! Y, l. u# M0 d% o: u% M0 ]the same as my missing.
% e( @! d$ o6 c' I; Z& NIt comes a little bit of verdure.3 O$ n+ i* v" ^0 D7 T
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
7 d/ b& K1 F' ythen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
7 h) x% _3 N0 i! \& KLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
6 ~: {# i# {& k& K' E; dI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.2 q$ \- P% h3 }2 h; {1 G7 m% G
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
  A$ Q. C- H( k! |: C5 [& _: gthen I will have all care and ardor.
; U7 ^  n0 k$ vShall we walk arm in arm?$ y. ~6 G' v$ @9 v; Y2 s' T
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.0 |, ^' }# D, y+ I  u' b
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
% ~% ?5 |1 x& zI am still the same person of yesterday.
" |% J- [! K- a( P8 [" |Unchanged name, unchanged I.2 e, T3 S/ E& q; \8 q( J
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 0 R! @' _* J; T; G& [9 ?
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
4 v" e3 W' a) O. AMore or less,7 e- ?8 A, U9 B1 h/ p. n
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
  S: T( f! {2 {7 m: L
+ g! b0 \  I6 dSummer easily slips away; u/ T- W5 m; t) [- H  r4 V
Those long lost hot nights
, y* q6 H& o0 U# S! T: l6 ~ can only be found in the old days. 3 G& A- ?1 K2 |, @
6 |$ Z0 ?1 {6 I+ m; M9 P: o
Cats jumping over the window sills,   n) @4 U* u' Z1 K. Z
chasing around in the breeziness.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 / `- H/ ]! K% x3 x
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.. [( W, c" _/ l  D( @! ]* w' O
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.$ ~3 n6 `) v# }: E% @+ `" C* q
I am still the same person of yesterday." }3 j) W$ Z8 v7 I& e7 r# |
Unchanged name, unchange ...
. Z/ F$ L$ |* q/ V
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 $ }8 m% T2 f3 {
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.6 v9 q* G; J8 t' y+ W5 B* i5 R
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
$ c4 f' g4 u1 `8 j7 a$ `I am still the same person of yesterday.
0 r0 k2 c, d: M1 c, V  B  V# zUnchanged name, unchange ...
$ S& K* C! i7 G
i like it.
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