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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
6 O' t; w! H3 R9 x,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
+ s& ^% m: D! {, L5 i! T零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
! d0 Y% s+ v. h现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.2 b) [9 g% r$ i* Q; v
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
* J% Y- w& |: v眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.% M/ T% R: i1 u( M. R
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.& d; z/ h* K% z' y: f( h/ x
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
& E9 }; V3 e9 o: q* \& t就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
6 h0 \7 l& N6 t1 J$ M我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及9 }4 D7 s, ]$ a  u
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
8 }, t( t. Q) r: t# w" U) ~, j世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.+ ?  T" ~, M" X4 P
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.* s. g. W3 `( A' ~8 o1 s) G8 B
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.& K& W% k: V+ W% E
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 8 N" Y- w: M4 o) ^
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
# ?8 j2 t( `1 `2 r1 {* H* i醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
- I) O3 c1 M0 d0 x迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.( p  P$ ~+ {4 W$ q% y: K% t2 _$ F3 f% w
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have." G; x& O3 ^5 k! s
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?. r& v6 y! Q; F: {+ B" G
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
4 ]$ j0 V* S. W多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously) v) ]. S% y& y4 P
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
- z- i4 J( T. U. k. q# t多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
" ?! \: X  {2 H3 R* ~为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?1 O3 b4 n, Z: a& b7 J
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!+ z1 X7 u9 @# }! g
永难平息的泪
1 B0 `# N! s3 B3 y3 O/ {每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes, W2 w4 V9 ^) S/ E5 R& K
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.8 a1 n! c$ _# O2 B8 a
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
) F1 E4 y7 q. ^; C/ o6 Q让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
+ r. O: @  J2 x你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul $ J0 s- N% g8 S. `) ?6 |. X
一抹微笑;8 d0 j* J/ W: z
一个手势;# U* f# y. k: H" X# O
一片话语,5 J% f! \) l% U0 R) ^
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、& C; B1 h, j1 ?+ ~. N' S
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner3 y" _! z! u5 g1 I* ]5 _$ T% x
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.4 [! b* g4 u2 \$ z
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
& p0 _0 X3 Z4 C, u3 z也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..( ?( t9 ?; v6 l/ |/ V
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
& R, t& D* |! @# c8 [% B我并不以为然。
2 z, x0 D9 m/ U: o3 _可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
- n5 f' s& k4 x( j慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
8 r* h  I+ c% m" m0 o6 M被一种情绪所左右,
6 X7 J, O; ~" v1 o  n总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
  b% e- |* ]9 C& P; C3 G( e5 X即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
& Y+ N% Q! P1 b$ @3 H也不问我是否喜欢你,: P& f  ]- B# m! `' u- f$ |
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.- F7 n+ r, W2 {! m; t* \7 v2 S
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you+ _& b4 J; W6 ~* [* u
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you" m: M0 s$ K/ T5 ^: B
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil" a2 w6 u+ L1 L' Z6 i0 {& B& L+ r, X
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere * a7 z! \# [: q1 H9 Y  e' V
你的身影已化成一种氛围,4 u% M' V; Y4 C6 C- a4 K3 F
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
  L+ f6 T% l9 {5 S) M7 a你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 9 T: j5 B7 B" x0 C
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
2 F/ m, K) o" ~; V哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
% G' ?0 l5 I& U+ j一种声音,and your voice! A4 V) r% u9 L* c+ w' a: g
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
6 D& m, ]' \, T% n% h掺杂著幸福的感觉。
3 P+ z3 o. P' w2 P. ^# G* d% I与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
7 k8 h& ?  P/ t; i象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
9 I+ m9 Q7 T9 y$ |0 N; L: T& h倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.9 ~2 I9 s$ N' f8 d9 ~$ D& M8 E3 z' N
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。& M% V# N0 l1 r, N1 ^
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
1 u" J  x. v2 O4 T5 X有一个能够让思念的人,/ x# R7 E8 B# }) B2 z
其实也是一种幸福。
: t! d0 O6 y0 o9 w尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
0 M8 k  F2 r2 f4 u柔柔的海风,0 C1 H2 l* L( T
甜甜的夏天。
9 e& g- R* D: W一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 0 A1 w: J7 a8 ~. p
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
) r* [4 W+ N' n  {. e4 H仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
- o* r! c1 _% S想和你有共同的情结,
. I: x8 V3 j/ T2 b  {( |3 |& L2 r0 Z共同的心愿。
) w' t5 q- V$ B6 o( o' O) q2 b1 s8 x+ @2 p5 C! ?

2 _( [( }: D0 x: y! X' j好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
/ c  E7 m" D* n; H0 F! I一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together2 a, @# k, j. y! \  q, w4 c
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ! f7 E9 [9 K6 ~- V
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
3 h" ?  b# O# r  `4 d『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
( c& Z9 ~5 {$ ]/ F$ H8 G我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, & _8 D9 d  {& {$ k7 v- [. C
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
7 \" w% \8 P4 e, K+ Z或是轻轻的一吻,
! E/ Y- L" c- E3 j5 l再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』. d$ a  B( u6 ^% Q
就足够了. That is enough.8 }8 g3 _/ _# k2 t
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! : t% m8 }9 z2 |! [
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
9 I0 V- Z4 }+ s" R: s2 }! a萌出了芽,
8 y4 A8 u' i/ ?  o3 S一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
8 w" h7 O- ^! K+ w& Z) [6 ?浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.8 I: P; k% n( H+ E2 `) U
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand- Z% F! X" F* R+ g. T; n3 X
能够牵著你的手,
- B$ _# z# {; ~- q$ Z那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
9 P6 y! T$ B0 s让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
6 ^) H+ S5 @) ~1 e慢慢地细读,
; C& s! A8 J. `/ o1 w% k我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
$ q1 \6 e$ Z( c/ o* {7 F在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 9 ~3 b0 p" d  O# b
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 6 k. k0 ~- y1 c# b
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
) D, q6 N/ L% p" `4 t1 U. g6 ^5 }现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
1 i/ j1 m6 o7 i( @: ]. x" e- X眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
  \# d. T% v9 |1 c- E3 b% echange to:lacked
3 g5 J; t- q0 O- X' F猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.. U7 U7 B. Q2 Z
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
; X/ p4 ~4 T% F- `! R' o$ H5 b 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
2 d* s8 @8 n- V+ @2 u' J改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.# T0 z, u. V& [8 g1 X! m
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
. B9 V3 h3 a- b4 O; S' u; S2 T该为:throughyour hands.
8 f! J$ ^! c' Z4 ]- ]3 S还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。8 s# o! e" q& _% {% ]1 g5 ]: f
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。  o/ P' e& T9 R" b- s' Y
至少比我强。  R& c  p- n1 Y, o
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... # Y9 Z7 q$ ]! d
3 f& p# N9 @) V1 i
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
+ b% G0 J+ U- f& h+ \' w7 F9 D后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
" F8 Y* G' b, F9 _8 S$ w谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.+ I& a; O% X' q
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:+ E) Y5 t  O7 @1 y( M
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
/ i0 y' \# A4 s6 Y1 b4 [& `- ]Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
) i7 u8 I7 K0 A5 K5 K/ @2 L" @ Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
9 p* D0 Y4 i6 rThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
7 u3 u+ |8 f  L2 n" xSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
# N+ Y' \$ K5 H, C$ GSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:. O, S0 K; {; b/ M- I8 ?* d
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ( c( W. _- I# i( k# `6 U
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
* p9 i0 N; J$ _& s( B0 T8 WI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
$ c3 M  l( |0 C0 }8 |# [The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
, o) K) }) ?3 ^: |7 NThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.7 q, z3 K# W+ n$ h+ w& \$ A3 U  n3 A
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
& |- I: w" a  {1 y1 K! X' a( w3 sI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.  i% u( [" \& s1 F6 v
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?- J3 P/ P' \% C9 Y
Intoxicated then feel cold,
  g8 Y7 J5 L3 P- V  v! @/ ?the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.4 G1 n7 C) Y. v& h
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
4 ]% r0 n6 P, u, \: ^The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
  V, j, @, o' y2 V  wWhy I am always hoodwinked!
. Y, ?4 c6 Q  A% tI have told myself many times cautiously
( H0 g$ Q0 Z7 Y- c0 ?: b7 o6 Cdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
! [" O; [. h+ t, ]% \( O/ JThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.- Z3 i& t! l( e9 ]. r! B7 F
Why can`t I take it easy?% B$ b3 R1 L% ~0 Z
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!( a7 m- {& O9 U
When the quiet night comes
' d- M) C' m$ D3 Y9 F8 B  L$ F- [your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.' x+ O+ b# b; v1 g
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
+ f' ]3 T/ Z5 u- j4 |) JYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
* t: I: d: Q2 V" k  u! b- e; O7 t4 ilight the dark corner in my mind.* H# W8 s$ ^& P% ^
I feel a bit of cozy.3 }8 G5 e2 M) p. j  Y( d8 `- @- s
The deep attached to you in a twinkling/ M3 \5 E7 i9 M6 ]
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.: @( Z$ q! V  j+ ~9 U
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
8 w2 i( ~6 x) N  j& \; _but accompanying with the time passed+ ~. v# l7 b. u+ x4 l& x
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,& \# J% V! e7 ^2 ^* f# [
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
9 B$ {5 [1 ~; P# c, R" rWithout asking if you like me or if I like you+ @8 J4 c2 W' p! C* v4 `; O
only feel gracious for your existing,. h. g( E9 ?$ f1 E; `8 R. _
onlt want to do something for you.2 Y/ e* X0 T1 i: o& z7 \- x
Every time when you meet me2 P+ J9 \! r4 Q; G7 `
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,1 x* H7 o, t1 q( `9 ?- Z2 R
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere4 F3 Z9 X7 m. o; r
That live in my heart.
4 m- K6 Y, ^& k8 ]/ PDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?1 o1 Z) p6 d4 H- J, f
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice) Y# }+ @# w. Y* J$ ^
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
8 [  i. M9 @6 w$ [& d4 Q4 @% ^1 K1 eThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
  V& f: y% w7 ^. Q3 n4 J* ?suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ `9 a( w9 b4 ~  S% J7 jDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
4 b2 f+ A% I( r! M( T+ S- oespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.' {5 J, p+ b8 n  {& H( s" p$ U, c4 y
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ) r( @6 w6 r3 ~" R8 k, S0 w. t
only waiting for you quietly+ G2 m1 |& D# t$ B% t0 v, {# h
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.2 A$ i# j/ r2 B$ r7 t! ]; o- O- t
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you # ]  ~/ S* [' R# h# t2 v
and enjoy the rain washing together* F/ F  i. `6 ~  B8 E& Q* ]/ N( P
or rush to a film
( c/ G( T, \  M: G! \! M: K. Tor listen to a music quietly.5 l" T  k5 H" Q' O8 x0 D' E
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
- l; e: [% f+ J# XIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
; f7 A. p# _8 dsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".8 `5 Z; A% C9 H6 U* Q$ m. |
That is enough.
7 p/ j6 r+ M( z7 mMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
2 I8 `+ r) `6 K+ f+ Cfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
! Q# ^( Z: N# Z) Ethe same as my missing.
5 _! H+ B! f6 w) i! P, E. o! Y$ LIt comes a little bit of verdure.
3 l8 [/ C% B6 m8 mIf, If some day I can touch your hand, 9 I  M% |, x$ p0 L
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.1 v2 M! ~3 K% K/ p# @
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.% G/ i4 m: K1 l! r5 p
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
+ {  ?3 H  `, L% _At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
! R3 d- c5 g; s# t1 @6 rthen I will have all care and ardor.9 W1 Z1 X+ ]8 o8 G, G+ @1 q( i- H; ?+ _
Shall we walk arm in arm?
- {" ?1 L7 D/ E- J4 F" m- y呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% \  H. {. h! o- [
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
/ g1 D5 }- W. @. V& Y: `I am still the same person of yesterday.- a( v1 R5 H1 L2 ?( n
Unchanged name, unchanged I.( Z, z3 N5 s" U, W* a# q
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
% ]6 J3 h# e% [1 m! gLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
7 I9 Q- h  h' D5 `More or less,$ ?1 l) w- T, w  p0 C, j% }6 W! f
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
3 f) x% N  N3 q3 q
# j- ~2 F( J& T+ E; ^# {* P/ [Summer easily slips away, q! R9 K% y7 |8 {7 e' Q2 }
Those long lost hot nights
4 w. g" N4 c0 y7 s7 f can only be found in the old days. / M2 \9 b; E, ?
0 K( v& h  v! ^" S+ T+ v
Cats jumping over the window sills,
/ \3 e* j2 N( ^, |$ e# Nchasing around in the breeziness.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
  f5 }/ H. Z" T" ~Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ y, {' m) M, m/ _+ f% R. V- }2 u6 s
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
5 F  t% N4 @, GI am still the same person of yesterday.
; r7 S/ `- S- J9 C5 v1 v. sUnchanged name, unchange ...
* B; K: s2 z7 c2 p) ]7 F
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
3 A" a6 j. Y- }# Y1 u9 [5 e8 t" JGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
7 \3 J* p4 A+ b1 \6 `Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.9 y$ @2 h7 P3 E
I am still the same person of yesterday.
0 {+ l# `; N* i: ^% [! Z* @/ V  \4 zUnchanged name, unchange ...

/ Z2 I2 g. x/ [0 b; |. Y5 Mi like it.
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