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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,2 s% h- n1 G4 F+ p6 |1 G
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
$ n5 c& ^1 \! D: H零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
0 ?: L( b! p( N. C. k. V; |8 M现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.3 O& ^* ~; |% Q7 I4 j) v
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.0 N/ p6 ]& B( n, w5 u
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
+ N4 x$ t* N  `' }- P# W4 x6 ^8 c夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
+ l9 d( I# w7 Y  ]  Z# n9 u猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.( Z, f- q) {7 E( _0 B
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.$ u  g/ n  E, K: ~" d7 |
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
0 ^+ \) h& c; ?8 \, O) Z3 ?$ W) y那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。2 K8 u9 ]1 `0 b/ P- f9 |
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.1 t& K( ]& L+ g9 j
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.5 F& _! p# }( w2 @% e" Y5 g( T& b  a
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.3 |! R- L6 T4 @! j* j/ B
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. % f; Q6 h4 ]  Z1 e7 _9 a$ G
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
( @2 Q9 f3 b0 u( X醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
0 n; @& d+ s( D$ M2 r/ T6 g5 ^迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.6 E" ^: ~- P7 |4 b6 [4 q5 t
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.2 y$ h' F! H; B( T" p+ u# |- J
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?; O* @0 A) \" R) g$ d+ v: e; n
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
' g% l# Z! y& r2 s多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously% n; p' Y5 l. a% e: ?9 e9 G
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.% Y$ t6 s" t' ^/ L7 E; R& o& e
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 7 i' _3 j  \' n8 M
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?- o  w0 z# I- [: M
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
& q( q* C0 u2 F9 _% B) B- }永难平息的泪$ m' X& Q1 a8 o  M! {
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
, ~1 }3 V% z' V* @+ @. e% y! ]& A4 p~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
- P5 ^& \2 n/ S: `) k当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
6 z+ ~) {3 i. G& u* ^. D" T' m* R1 {让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,8 l; b- @, i' k/ ^
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
( T2 L- t$ a, {: F7 B一抹微笑;3 T( E! O9 a, N! t6 o9 ]
一个手势;
6 w; _* E: S. h+ p一片话语,6 ]+ O; t7 N1 g& y; x& g- }& w. \4 Q
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、8 g6 _) x- s* [/ n6 ^' r& A  C
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner. {8 t) K6 M* p2 v
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.: Q9 h$ ?8 B5 S2 z
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling4 i$ D+ ?5 L- R+ A, M
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
% l! e% h+ W8 U1 r* \! r; {9 ~起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,* a, Q$ j3 h  T# e) V
我并不以为然。5 w$ `" {( b/ q$ j; Y" ^
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 1 a2 P+ j$ H- o6 Z
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .) Y$ ^% k/ d( L( @
被一种情绪所左右,
( f( ~9 F3 B* _2 W& s总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
' n& p3 X& s0 f$ x. Q% ^; z. t' Y即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
9 x% S0 ~' g  K) p4 G% w( v也不问我是否喜欢你,5 M8 i& m4 E. I% q0 U3 K% t/ M
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.+ n! B: r3 {7 _; {% J) |' N# h
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
3 D) }: `) E# H7 C7 \* d7 B" S3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
, w! O- v- i  h8 q心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil& E) {1 w  L  M* S' a) @
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% H6 N# n' g3 @( A( W! B2 {你的身影已化成一种氛围,
& j" I. V! l4 I+ |' G记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
2 m7 u$ z$ R- w你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
7 n5 V& C+ q3 W4 d. F2 E+ M随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字' A5 M# U; E  }+ F- c1 `. t
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,: G& u3 _, b6 u& f* z9 x# z6 i
一种声音,and your voice
, I& L7 o* l: Q3 ?6 d  a5 a5 |也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.* R) I- \6 C1 x: B3 Y* j
掺杂著幸福的感觉。, \( N$ n/ k) G9 r( b5 I$ K
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
" d# F3 y5 f7 c; g5 B5 ?& t, B+ Z象雪花般撒落在我的心田,. g; R' H% ?) O: b
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
/ Z* F9 f1 q6 h! n( X$ v7 f4 M. H" R纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
6 F1 R* e: }. D# J- L你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
0 }. R0 d, K3 n# v有一个能够让思念的人,
5 S7 R# f  I0 y& ~4 ?其实也是一种幸福。! M% f8 j& o( p" }$ U5 F- t
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
# G, z7 o, f) A柔柔的海风,
" z6 e: s& }, X1 j6 A甜甜的夏天。$ P  E$ S! v" s; W% v& s+ e8 P2 b
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy * T( a' D7 T, ~/ O
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
& Y3 S2 |8 V/ h# f6 B$ W仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
: ~; D! P" L; w/ g7 O8 f0 R# ]想和你有共同的情结,
/ ?' [# H! o3 D( U. n% Y$ {+ T共同的心愿。
. K" O$ z6 q- `+ m* {+ L) b, q9 W! T7 _/ H: r) ?; ]! v8 P3 G
. Q& v) s/ ?& i6 U3 I* J
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
- E  a7 b$ S' v8 U+ j! b一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together0 h" Q! a1 C8 l  z, U6 d4 B
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film & F# m+ V- c; q& j
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
  k/ o% v7 z/ g: a5 K+ X4 E『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?! K6 W/ Q% ?5 P: u1 m* t
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
) I# s5 a/ V9 Q! i% g浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
- U! o* R. }# Z# B/ p' L或是轻轻的一吻,+ g. m, L, j4 O. w2 M, S
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
, J' R5 k2 ^9 r& M2 @  D/ o就足够了. That is enough.. S+ l3 e: j2 `
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
3 ?$ l- J/ D% P3 H终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
/ E0 ?6 r7 P' a5 u2 L萌出了芽,9 a7 T3 @# C! z3 q% q/ B
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
( B$ U. b8 k0 ^  I浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.7 U; s, |% O" C
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
" ]  W6 ]4 u+ S能够牵著你的手," @. j; x, g% y+ i" D1 b8 p
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
' _: P! M" O, v% R1 y让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. , `7 @6 X! X+ b
慢慢地细读,5 S+ b* p, S* O9 r- y/ Q3 I
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. + D6 P, ~" U7 m- G. a6 p. v! I
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 3 {/ z; z9 F" X# f1 E' d
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
8 K/ p# F5 v+ z7 B/ Q就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:1 s8 G5 ]+ [. J% C0 b0 f' S, i
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago3 d( B- O# d. N: A; z9 f
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.: l: s' S' z7 I& a* {+ Z+ X
change to:lacked2 {8 k, h5 J* d% |0 Z
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
" H3 `, H+ q$ ~7 T1 sCats often played at the whole hot night.
  W" k: ]. V0 r# i 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
+ h! D1 K3 y  Z+ }3 ~改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.& P+ E( c% H# d# P- J, j9 b* B7 }: m
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 C$ @4 k9 w' u3 x3 }/ O8 Q7 P该为:throughyour hands.4 H0 o, z+ e( T$ z4 a' ?' U
还没检查完,下一次再改.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
. ~( ^1 ?2 Q8 h$ [: o( m6 d% L不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。) h6 }3 L! K" p
至少比我强。5 `1 g! {3 H6 W: R6 v; c& U: H7 R' D/ G
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... & f1 W; y) a% u' ^. [2 M

. t4 c! z1 n; \. `这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
6 ^& K7 a9 a" ^; X: k3 `后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.5 g" r7 l9 e3 Y
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
& r# ?2 [- b' `% b前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:1 X/ ~2 t6 D2 R9 W6 b2 W
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
$ E) Q- y2 }" P" E, v$ a6 JPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
2 Q# ]- d+ k, A6 \ Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
/ K/ u- Y- c/ [6 `3 ?0 W+ bThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.6 _3 w( P0 j/ T0 I- d* r% M
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
/ Y& `& Z, O$ v9 w  m" d$ ]1 q5 vSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
6 y1 @) ^' Q' q2 S) o3 J3 I) ?Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 3 w& P4 X" g" I
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.7 g- s8 t6 J: V9 B) W: g: Y
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming., H8 T9 l9 F  k0 `8 e
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.% O! `+ [& z& N9 n7 K
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.- q/ t& O- E& U+ ]% a4 }
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.; `5 [8 `. I, [
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
9 }; u  f# u. j% ]* d: bIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?" }' M0 c$ N8 F3 M& J. v
Intoxicated then feel cold," X; t, h0 D  A. Y" a
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
( |3 v$ ^8 R- |, Z; A# Y+ G4 rI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
. Y: M6 A  U* a% NThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?, `) V  y4 c2 ~! i3 z4 p$ p
Why I am always hoodwinked!
& j% h1 J: F# p; ^I have told myself many times cautiously + |5 d( E6 W: x
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.8 v/ P/ a( M. r! q8 F! Z5 T' y; |
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
- _2 Q$ `* V% Z. wWhy can`t I take it easy?
0 o" q8 f1 Y) d* @! t, H1 f7 _1 NHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
/ l4 W* S7 V9 N9 k+ _2 \When the quiet night comes8 S/ {7 O# j6 }" A% v& R7 _$ L
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
) g( ~4 e  V1 |6 w7 JThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.1 ^, b5 s/ C3 O7 W
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
0 D' O7 i( ~7 I0 i! T2 {light the dark corner in my mind.! {0 M* x9 h# w! z" I; u
I feel a bit of cozy.2 a7 x8 x1 }8 W+ ]$ u
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
7 y3 w6 x; u. Xmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
0 l, c& ?2 o: wI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,- U# u# g9 W, j: B: z$ y
but accompanying with the time passed
6 Y  H2 @9 I$ C1 D- ?" uI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
( ~- u7 U  t4 O+ ralways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.$ \9 m9 A* c5 R# r- _  f
Without asking if you like me or if I like you0 q- o' h3 ]" t( {8 |/ A
only feel gracious for your existing,6 A/ I5 `! `( Y( a& C* V
onlt want to do something for you.
9 n2 G" _/ b( w1 o1 oEvery time when you meet me  f4 H" v0 ~) u' Q
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
) p; s; d0 q# W1 f8 f% |but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% `. h+ G8 C; {" F" z3 D1 dThat live in my heart.
4 g7 a3 A/ C5 j* q# X# ]Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
* J. S1 @! i# ?4 Q: A+ A' jEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
5 k1 E: [, W, |make me gently distraught with happy feeling./ x" D' T( k, w& o
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
- C3 v% |: n, j/ s5 c. x+ ^: B- esuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.0 I+ v  \5 y  L6 v; W
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
" h' r4 f& D% I( s  k4 @8 \$ vespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.# n0 h& V4 `: ~7 b7 W
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
; r2 }6 B, X' u: c& H, M% P+ H3 qonly waiting for you quietly
6 G; m3 r% S( m( N9 o$ ^2 ajust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
* T& S% v( m7 yI really want to ramble in the small rain with you ( j# [2 p9 n6 d9 c1 B3 z
and enjoy the rain washing together5 m" U/ N" T7 i8 X1 a/ ~* W6 y  Q
or rush to a film
# ^0 z# G8 h" a, hor listen to a music quietly., V+ a2 [" H2 U9 C3 t2 H
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?# _- g; ?. v& g: l) h
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
5 c3 q4 p# `' Z5 ismile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".% h' ?0 \5 r. H- U) z3 T
That is enough.
# o3 G9 n, ^" {) K, OMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,& U# f; M: y8 m8 u, `
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,/ ^: F3 n& V& G6 ?3 H- Z. n, T
the same as my missing.
) d5 w! G5 ]* v$ G7 Q. k" bIt comes a little bit of verdure.
8 W* G8 F: U+ T, p- s$ l, a% n" iIf, If some day I can touch your hand, ; _  g; L$ w8 q1 n5 _' o* K+ V
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
4 T  P/ F& U5 z! H* RLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.5 `7 c7 A+ |1 _. ?& m' C
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.  O- o9 h) q  _% k, v2 |6 O2 z, Y' d
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
3 a( B- j5 ~& j- `2 jthen I will have all care and ardor.& D: I" ]% ]. j5 l7 e) k6 A
Shall we walk arm in arm?  f8 o* p6 @7 P: N! J: T9 A
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light., B, y4 R: s* S. n5 B1 o
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.) ^- l3 I' a' T/ U( i; [
I am still the same person of yesterday.
. Q8 @' U5 C- Z: R3 \9 q6 aUnchanged name, unchanged I., S) ]( j# e8 V6 q1 V
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.   E; e+ f% l8 l' R$ f  Q
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.( B5 p. U: F4 l  S+ P9 k1 X
More or less,
6 P5 h9 }( F9 W( Y a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.5 q: o3 f  i: e5 ^! n
( G3 f2 P: i! d5 o. H% S
Summer easily slips away
/ W1 r: x1 G2 E% [0 tThose long lost hot nights
! T: A3 D, N+ k) I5 B8 f! h" ^ can only be found in the old days. . ?% N0 s* v- _1 r$ G% M# \" G  q
: A9 q0 e; F$ x  o1 W
Cats jumping over the window sills, ! D, J% b3 C9 r! ~! {& S* u
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
" t  W# @3 ]3 C* ^* }Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; G5 W4 C$ B* X% hLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.2 L2 w' m( _* S. W: e
I am still the same person of yesterday.+ b( J* r, L/ ?
Unchanged name, unchange ...
  R7 X, y# G; W
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 3 u# v. a0 p9 `; w* b; e+ F
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.7 U% t' V% [: B1 F3 w' ~, b
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
# g: t3 g. F5 `I am still the same person of yesterday.; ]8 i* L% m* V) t
Unchanged name, unchange ...

* Y: i* I% O6 s( I2 K( Fi like it.
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