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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
# L  q7 |# N& L; H. r,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ( Z# F$ _7 c+ _0 m% o- F1 I
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
+ k# S; D+ j! J  ^2 J1 W现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.1 k- r( Z4 ^/ H, b
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.# \6 L% P' T1 H3 k3 g
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
4 y; L  x# ~, x! H' L  e( J, G1 u夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.  q" }0 J8 b, i! q$ ?! _
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool." e! H# w# @7 Y& [0 @) a$ G# d7 J+ H
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.9 b" D/ G" c7 |9 s
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
: B& Q0 R2 Z! q+ @! i5 W$ f那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
) B2 ^5 ]- ~+ X: w世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
5 A# n3 S3 V* U5 n' N. b* n7 w昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.7 J" B/ G4 x, e- ~7 m8 D6 D
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
( {4 [9 a. K, V. t  G. G: w最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ; `3 W4 ?) j: Q, h% u0 X, a) ~) T
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?- t+ _1 N5 G% ]
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
0 }6 ^0 t0 [* M* D, q+ ^迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.5 R% V4 K1 S8 h' Z5 V6 D1 z; ~; i
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have., A' l# E$ i6 r5 \: E
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
% m4 s2 n: r7 @) O5 u4 Q# D) PWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….3 @* A. b6 m- j: v$ z  Y/ N0 C
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously/ N2 G, V( n$ e% \0 c
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
/ c2 S5 D! C- Z4 G多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
9 D4 |( a* B" X为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?$ J$ q( l7 \& Z- k  s  a
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
2 h1 H- h+ l% O4 @4 u永难平息的泪
( e7 W4 |3 P8 A$ [" k每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes6 {* x  ?2 n2 }" L5 X
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.' R) M7 l4 z! N* X$ s
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
. V# Z0 A* B$ N& C' E0 z让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,# k( c: C: \+ A7 p+ u
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul " [8 J& y$ S- ]" G& P
一抹微笑;' n9 x5 L1 x7 H: u: `/ p
一个手势;" n; S% B/ ?) o' ~3 m
一片话语,- c2 Q% U- I8 H6 O$ i, q
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
" Q1 n5 {+ o0 [) Z' ]明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
9 H8 @, Z" s3 @6 ^( Z5 B' k心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.9 |* f% W. o4 e7 a9 ^
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling5 x2 y# d1 h; R7 y2 k+ k
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
7 p1 p4 q# D6 R+ e. N& o起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,  E: x' x% o$ o: f8 s; i
我并不以为然。* y$ W  P- c' p
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
+ h0 w5 c8 G  _慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
/ a( d3 Q7 s9 ?4 M; b- I8 M被一种情绪所左右,+ k# w+ W4 A: c
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .5 ~2 w6 o. K5 V' x5 R8 G
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
' C1 G9 _! W% G% w1 v; f也不问我是否喜欢你,7 \* D/ u) g( x  c
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.. l9 Z1 R* G' X! ?" z
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you! t/ A4 X8 C0 l  r) w
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
" B- i' X  Q$ w7 Y心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
$ i0 A7 c& v* t然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 5 s( c; A3 T. S7 g, d
你的身影已化成一种氛围,2 s- k7 y/ T9 P/ Z/ S4 q
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.+ f" a  q+ t, Z1 ~
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! # C3 [& w% @/ ]3 H! Z
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字, C/ u1 W3 o1 q" u8 v
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud," X3 U; d9 t1 K( v0 c
一种声音,and your voice8 ^, J8 Q" d/ d: t! \. y
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
; p/ {. {: r0 t* i" ?7 r掺杂著幸福的感觉。
. g0 ], w* p! g与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
5 ^( G2 Q* }% r7 [, t象雪花般撒落在我的心田,/ H) E4 h! T( s$ c; e
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.  B5 H) |. @- H, l; q; F
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。2 e! x' n" o9 l2 G3 {# L- Y
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
; V  I! f$ B, I$ z1 b1 {有一个能够让思念的人,. n; |1 k8 t2 e( ?4 s
其实也是一种幸福。- D- N  O' w9 |* }' a( Q
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. - K  U" f# p5 e
柔柔的海风,- O4 ~* u' W2 D9 }' f, W
甜甜的夏天。
- J4 c" q3 Y7 M/ F5 f  I; |一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
+ H0 Z, t  \1 A4 M6 s$ w只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.1 b( X3 I' U5 g! R2 `# N& a4 ]
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.9 E0 Z; h& D" R* `
想和你有共同的情结,
# y- d1 [, x+ u7 c) D共同的心愿。. C5 V& S; C6 z$ E7 O' S2 R& _- o+ R+ C

1 F* q# H" i2 f0 d( j# |) N% p  c7 Q# m$ H; k0 V8 V
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you% D4 a8 Y; A& c% f" b
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
; r1 c1 ^* C4 U; b2 R4 u3 D. ~或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film * y# l0 h% B; @8 H9 C9 F& H
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly., p! d( g$ [& {/ ]$ s2 B1 s" z( k
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
, b9 A$ p% n7 m4 ?6 }$ D我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
0 ^5 ?2 O( q. C: R, P7 p浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”( j. @+ _* t0 g" H2 V
或是轻轻的一吻,1 Y' ]$ h$ ?+ i) Q) N% l3 c8 I& p! L
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
+ l+ n  C' l+ A1 ]  W8 Z就足够了. That is enough.
4 c0 A. a% [8 ^' L7 I这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
. V7 c& C% o* Y- e终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
5 S3 d0 H0 R8 h+ f% W萌出了芽,
) y' A7 L' P" c1 Y2 z一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
; `( g1 C  U8 A2 h浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
* Y3 O  E. r: `5 e  @& R1 S如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand, I, k7 @3 Q9 @/ B% W( H5 N/ t
能够牵著你的手,. p( B/ V: i( W1 Y+ F
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 _2 f; o+ m: T; P
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. . R, g5 C/ V$ N/ g- v. }
慢慢地细读,
; q* q/ e+ y, t  @3 z我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
' d) [) M, d0 v在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
6 R- R' k5 a# J; x. h我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor   c0 t) m4 r6 E4 F
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
, Y- h* Z7 r+ [$ w现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
; R6 Q8 S4 ?/ h8 i2 w# [) j: u; v眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
3 f1 X0 b+ K8 F  Q( W  ^change to:lacked1 Q  m& h7 p( Z- _" M7 m
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.. K: J6 H8 k' v, W
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
$ Z1 d. k# i0 ]0 F5 v3 G0 W' a: h" v 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及  D4 p9 D/ K, L- F
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
" ?9 a3 ^' w0 W1 V  y" x" RI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ! B, y* _4 O' t8 R4 v) y4 S( B8 A
该为:throughyour hands.
2 q7 U! H8 R: I6 R6 E! M: \还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。  ^1 Z! X" {' N7 a" A! Y/ d# e3 _
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。0 y& d2 @" H' E- B/ L
至少比我强。
7 ^- _3 X) k3 P% m6 U偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... % h3 i2 P. Q+ `# W2 e! {
3 e5 t5 F- K9 D% d, y9 y! W# e
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
3 X! S- Y4 z5 T& A& D1 ]6 m后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.6 o$ p' U. y9 V* q6 A
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
% u, B) v4 p, @" W前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
3 U& o4 s2 I$ `' X% sEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.) E4 M2 v+ U  [& x* g: f4 c
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.0 A  ?9 k- }: }, m# P
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.3 s' c& }/ ^' s+ Z/ n" p: ^9 W
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
5 n$ e" x! Y; H# jSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.6 M# w$ P& H6 H6 s& Z3 p1 x+ d
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:. T2 U; }; I& e+ q+ s/ f9 ?( X
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool $ |. W* i% w  b2 E' x3 [
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
7 B  A2 x& U0 F% W  c9 XI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.2 O% T6 e+ Z. A' I
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.2 C7 C$ R& g5 ]3 W& r
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
& r9 f5 E) A$ G5 W  T- O' QI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
- E7 x- X2 |6 \7 {I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.3 b6 W8 z0 d+ V; _' c
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?4 k. s  S( h! V  Z
Intoxicated then feel cold,
. w- k& Y' D% g, Rthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
: g8 R# w& E" a- F3 Y* RI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.# q- h/ R9 J: Y7 C: [) {
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?9 _- T& E- s* C% ?
Why I am always hoodwinked!$ D# H- d. s$ ~) h$ T- t
I have told myself many times cautiously 8 B3 t5 i+ w' n: {
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
# b, k- ?+ j5 L, l$ h9 bThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
% e! c4 n% V1 O% G9 fWhy can`t I take it easy?- P, w  d/ F2 ?+ o) U$ w# b, c
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!* g5 E% W( w' Y
When the quiet night comes
- S) u* S2 W) hyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
. L% @+ `  V$ A8 K6 `$ R/ AThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
9 M7 Y* {6 m! v# iYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
% X1 w& v% y  clight the dark corner in my mind.; ?  b  K- x: h; E* R# ^
I feel a bit of cozy.
7 G* _# E2 I; A# \, H, \The deep attached to you in a twinkling
7 L0 w5 {' J9 y2 y: |maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.* D+ J1 f1 y) ^  k. F, X
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
! p7 H+ B. ~; Z, Bbut accompanying with the time passed
3 P$ @3 _. R- O: T9 ]I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
, \6 O/ C7 z, Q$ ^5 R2 \8 P; V) e2 x+ ?( talways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.' d% u' E; d5 M$ S+ I3 C* ^
Without asking if you like me or if I like you  g) \3 ]. l, Y" p- w6 E5 t
only feel gracious for your existing,
( e: r; [/ Y  T' H5 `& [/ _* [onlt want to do something for you.
* u/ s) c1 B) s0 CEvery time when you meet me
# y, v1 x+ [7 w; `" Q( y+ fthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,% {6 v: H! D" P8 y
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere& }7 A5 n6 D" X4 j1 R! D% A- \$ m
That live in my heart., T8 J/ G2 w; R  e1 m0 Y4 d7 A
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?; o: N% J! L+ c* y% \* H8 z
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice- S$ V2 L' B5 }
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.% S! i% K, W  s
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
9 V2 W3 R% U. B, v& J4 csuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
1 y2 I( i6 `1 {8 x; n7 p3 aDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,4 p7 f0 J+ k. B& D4 [1 W
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer./ b+ P2 i+ y, `7 ~4 e9 B
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
& i1 s" Q, _% W7 K/ H9 monly waiting for you quietly
* I$ e3 o$ [1 M! l' Zjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
' \/ w& x* Y* F' ]" KI really want to ramble in the small rain with you # H; k5 k5 n5 J& A# E& K, I
and enjoy the rain washing together5 \9 n. Z( n3 s# s
or rush to a film" l, R1 G2 B* H5 e( Q
or listen to a music quietly.+ Y1 r8 m6 Q- |- X; [
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
/ T8 H- f; x8 H( KIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
3 \1 r) T" P/ ^* H, Vsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
- p% F3 g' l) e( t; WThat is enough.) n0 P$ K6 [2 a" t# y
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,0 {) P2 r% D. P
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
" {" o, ?2 f( G- ~the same as my missing.
, p) x1 k) R& k8 A) o" j- OIt comes a little bit of verdure.( q+ w! N: q8 C% A
If, If some day I can touch your hand, 0 G6 ~+ w4 [: }/ i
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
5 [" @* I# l1 W. H7 ZLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.1 W/ S' H" E4 A' i' U: r0 C3 c& K
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
6 A( V- M& t- t+ N( s% N0 tAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,5 t; ]! a  |9 K9 K& A0 ]& ]
then I will have all care and ardor.
* p5 Z/ u5 z. v* c9 Y7 H* B! iShall we walk arm in arm?
/ K( k$ f/ x' S, P呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
5 m* G$ A: z, @, y: _Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.$ U& v$ H8 w/ Y: ~+ I3 k1 N
I am still the same person of yesterday.
4 r5 \- I5 P; w- U* PUnchanged name, unchanged I., ?# i5 e$ q; ^4 a  O, f% K
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 6 |, F& R/ I# @( }
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.1 s- x# L! s% |# M) A( ]; w) h5 ?% x
More or less,
( |% d/ C  D' H$ [0 I a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.: r# l5 C2 G5 v

2 B3 f' e4 N; b+ }7 e3 vSummer easily slips away
& o3 ^6 c2 x9 o, S' v. LThose long lost hot nights
  M9 l$ O; ^: w  i1 q- I can only be found in the old days.
. Q; h+ T# n: L: @) G: e# o
/ i( d7 d& m' ICats jumping over the window sills, . w0 a# w' [6 D7 b8 w
chasing around in the breeziness.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
+ G/ r% ]6 |8 w5 K( NGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
  ?( n+ ]3 ^' O' H; bLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
+ |( C3 X7 m, E4 N* l, cI am still the same person of yesterday.
9 [9 T5 R0 T) v! @. ]) S. P' KUnchanged name, unchange ...
- O1 e) d6 J" T7 |' Y8 h0 e6 Y6 V
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
3 _0 b0 G8 I' w! k& eGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.3 d; p5 z/ ^1 M# v9 o/ a: O
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
( t2 d1 j2 U- L/ z7 G. q( RI am still the same person of yesterday.
8 @5 F  T" R, HUnchanged name, unchange ...
0 [- Z1 n" o- F4 _7 d" |# L
i like it.
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