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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了," {" B8 P" v* s8 M; q
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  + H# T8 F, w1 K
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . " w! D, r' D% c! v
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.( w; D+ z7 s, p; ~! T
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.& O' G3 L* o3 K( ]3 ?
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
* o' f7 q: e6 w4 j, |* a- F* Q9 k5 J夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night., h7 ~& p/ f) p5 n5 _/ W) I
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
2 T* F" `7 _9 p就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
3 y# m: Q+ y( V8 N' }# {. G- G( \我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及# T- I  {7 V8 t
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。0 O0 h6 T) Y; ~7 O- ]  g
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.8 g) s- z" t! f, g
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night." g2 C0 Z: y6 r  s
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.' Z9 a& L; q. d" n- `
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
5 e, ?/ Y% d4 j6 f) |* O5 p寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?- {/ H! l( H1 S$ Y+ a) |- {
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.2 E0 s( V4 a5 p  k
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.. m; h* \7 g8 N
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.& x+ f# ~7 N+ [6 I  j7 E) G
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
( V2 f4 ^" d3 B( ~Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
0 c: `4 `+ Q* R多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously! i) \; c% {. x; D5 U: `, s8 G% j
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
( v* K* Y1 `" b多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 0 P5 p. p9 ?: ?. s
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
& h7 w, k! _4 J! f+ n" n3 r多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!& s/ n( J1 z9 o  E
永难平息的泪
3 Z" Y% o( v4 @( i每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
( _/ Y$ Z4 o8 F" X8 _& D~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes./ T! j' y+ l$ T) p7 ~
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.1 |& R" m4 u7 l" F2 o
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,, r" }) z4 ]  s2 A
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
" T6 V9 Q6 J- e7 i, a一抹微笑;6 Y- m5 L2 ]& K6 @& p" f
一个手势;  {' D" j% q+ h
一片话语,8 c( @2 Q6 e+ V0 W: Y% Q
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、  U  Y4 A  I! D& y; k
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner% u7 ~4 A4 ]% t2 F
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.) K+ ?+ Q* l. p) ~1 E* y
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
+ @. D) D9 U$ I' S6 x也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..1 g' }; ^* {. J  S8 S3 o" Y
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
. q- v! `" Q0 W& n8 n; G我并不以为然。/ \& I$ t2 D  U6 R3 y5 F) r
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
) z' ], H- D% e& R* c6 q" `% a慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
" m4 x2 r. Q. n/ h( G/ |& q  P1 ?被一种情绪所左右,* [  i0 [7 Q/ Q
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .+ n$ c, @) T' R  c6 d6 [
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you5 v, f& E8 \- S3 M! A
也不问我是否喜欢你,
% v/ R0 i' L& g% r. [3 t0 U对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.3 T/ W8 }( G/ T+ L  w6 M& R
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you6 c+ r" p) H+ ?! K4 o
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
3 z# ~( O1 ?' g+ J, `; q  {8 U心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil1 A; ]! F/ M+ v8 \) S4 v
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
) V* [$ R1 L4 N. B你的身影已化成一种氛围,; N/ X6 Q9 J0 e) O0 A, V! v
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
1 b4 s7 c' a( X. G+ r! V4 ~. _你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 0 P% ]* u6 ]' z( J$ v. x/ _) U
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字  O7 s( e! j' u* H: H4 B+ J
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
# n" _. d! Z$ m$ b% A1 u3 O一种声音,and your voice/ D$ ]0 P& `, o2 L: D2 R4 L
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.. y6 X7 e8 O: ^
掺杂著幸福的感觉。) J  j! Y" U4 q4 e) g. T
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
3 ^8 ~# e0 [' @象雪花般撒落在我的心田,6 f6 A: ^, m1 `1 Y7 A
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
- p2 E& K! |, J2 _纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
; g3 ]* q$ L9 L! ~你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss9 l& T4 l1 @2 _! p: n& o; R
有一个能够让思念的人,$ _- i7 Z7 c+ z' X+ f- A) p: Q/ j+ @
其实也是一种幸福。
/ E' |, y* Q6 P, x9 `* Y0 r尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ; V6 f6 x/ O4 X' T/ L6 z% C
柔柔的海风,
  q( t  _8 i1 k; W! Z( z+ m甜甜的夏天。
6 b5 s) Q4 g6 p$ k) P& {( v# C6 }一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy . n# ^! O4 W7 B0 t
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly." X" h$ d' @6 v( O" ?5 {# Z. B
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.  Q+ P- d7 P) e
想和你有共同的情结,; V% T/ f) _$ q9 \6 D; C, k0 r  S$ f# x
共同的心愿。( }' ]8 P' I8 i) E+ g" g

, Y3 Z/ M1 O) R# B& N1 J. D/ d9 [: N' e! O
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you7 S- u( m# }9 G1 P0 l, M
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together2 p3 Y8 _* d7 I$ s! V
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
" f6 c1 |( I6 x. F3 {; T( f3 T) u或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
3 B$ N8 F; \$ p# A) M2 F$ {& [+ a# W『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
1 |6 z( A' Y5 T& l# w- @我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 2 P9 p; a  ?" D- ?0 p7 E
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
' E; q: n. [, w+ W' k1 l; z或是轻轻的一吻,2 v( H) x: B9 D( n
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
7 F' L* Q7 E& y就足够了. That is enough.# G2 u5 v% ^/ n- H
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! $ s4 g- Q0 t+ }- A
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.0 n5 V' x$ J- h7 B7 a; _
萌出了芽,  @7 N7 G( A+ p7 [8 s) g, w+ a
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
. H( s) {% J2 |" B2 n+ l$ k1 y浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
# H# |* \1 x' `2 _5 Q( m  o: I  d+ n如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
5 N! M3 j& {7 `$ u能够牵著你的手,! D. u* d* I+ z/ s* i
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.: Y) J& Q/ E! K, E0 |2 x
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
( A4 j2 ~  S$ G! z慢慢地细读,
- U# V: y) t$ ?: G' W7 B# a  j  H我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
# G7 z( w7 ]' f. n/ N' v/ f+ B在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ' J" l+ Y1 O6 ^
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
* C5 O% m/ O( F就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:+ |  s8 e3 S5 B
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago+ x2 k- t2 V' R% G1 }$ U& ]
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
, @" H% K. ]5 o4 Y  Uchange to:lacked
* p$ B0 b: U9 _6 u猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
0 m: G: q" N+ hCats often played at the whole hot night.
) y: V, \& @5 A0 U 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
) q: f% }3 o& M$ c改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
3 D& E9 U) P) c0 N" f8 DI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
; C6 @. B; j& K: _  @$ P该为:throughyour hands.2 H+ @' m# [6 e# c/ ~, |) b% \
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
3 p+ F$ \0 O( N; y不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
- c% H/ ^  G9 Y% {# X( ?8 U. V! O至少比我强。2 x" a+ E  Y, F6 w, D
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
% j( T0 N0 m1 |; L' W
# D( P5 h/ c! ]  W" X: `! L' `& q这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
$ r) E) d3 K* ~, C后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
' R& P8 \% k* J$ v7 [7 G- b, D谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.& {/ z* x2 r8 d
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
( N# U, l* A6 q7 O/ y# WEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.+ Y, ?: E9 A6 I- I7 s
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running., }5 S8 `2 ?- m1 ~2 S% C; A
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.+ e; \* g/ k: s5 w
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking., v) ?4 a$ f" n9 A* H# y, _
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
- \7 g6 {; ^6 L! n1 n: d  aSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
' h( G+ f. p( a1 MCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
5 q* I5 C' d+ V! n+ Zlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.: x  p1 p# V- Y3 J' g5 f) v
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.0 h2 d) f0 j0 x# e! C* ]3 K! q/ X1 c
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.& \) b( k+ T& U8 f) y
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
4 |, \$ n& C0 V8 q( e3 sI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.8 L1 A! |" \* a  Z5 X0 h
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
. {- i1 t4 ^* IIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
; e' i1 K" h' u4 z7 Z! Z/ tIntoxicated then feel cold,) v9 D5 Q# v" e; y
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.8 H* U; H& {, z: _; |: h
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.. \9 w  r4 I( P/ q& A8 B3 E: _- H
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
- v. L4 y4 e- a# P' ^Why I am always hoodwinked!- r& X1 g6 D! N5 n+ W5 R- o. k3 U
I have told myself many times cautiously + F4 W! L$ ^' d* Y& a* D
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
# T0 N& g% ~1 [7 Q5 MThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.: |: Z, i& H. u& }7 n% V; M
Why can`t I take it easy?
( L* [2 |/ V# e1 jHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!% K1 c5 R! b4 ~* G- Q
When the quiet night comes# q" q5 o2 }) L- G# z
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
/ Z( i$ e9 F2 ?+ \/ s+ MThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
( l0 P- J' V" \. w7 o; ]Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
5 r1 C* [! w5 U8 B" ylight the dark corner in my mind.
# J. A! b; {/ e% y  @I feel a bit of cozy.) N1 G9 D# B6 t' F% s2 s) q
The deep attached to you in a twinkling2 n! e# i/ r8 x5 J9 r9 u0 [* A4 P
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
& H: l( I+ s/ n; |  c8 }7 j$ C/ mI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,4 C2 o% w! b' M+ j
but accompanying with the time passed
5 R: p! E0 D( W- C8 _( y2 M# TI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
& [1 _; n$ \/ O/ U: |  J# ~always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
+ H4 v4 h9 |6 eWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
8 P0 E5 v9 A: M! p% E& g/ N+ p, H* vonly feel gracious for your existing,
! I. `* P2 a0 Y. sonlt want to do something for you.! |4 g$ [' K2 ], \+ g- [% v
Every time when you meet me; l5 K# ~; \8 X3 F: b, T/ K# L. y
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,9 y5 H0 u. x* y, M+ Z/ S
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
0 F, e# k2 P) p1 ~2 I7 }8 rThat live in my heart.
  I  {& n! O9 w7 \# v. lDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?! k) a( y* H: Z  P/ [5 t
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice0 b" q, Y. i' a% L/ W7 n6 C
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.0 I6 j9 _1 a; L3 u; z: R+ K
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
5 @& A0 Z$ {: T( n$ w; Rsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.9 q0 {0 N+ l3 A8 |5 G7 I
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,% l7 J- w  w1 {/ C9 M' F% T0 M
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
- P3 c  u1 j+ C5 \Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
3 w8 Y- v5 K; tonly waiting for you quietly0 A7 ]& J3 ^6 u8 z
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
7 \/ x/ {% M3 `- l9 Z; J2 ^I really want to ramble in the small rain with you - e) Z) }( ~2 ^4 M+ }
and enjoy the rain washing together! C7 |. @6 }& r  ^! {, }
or rush to a film4 E6 }2 W- P3 _  T. Q
or listen to a music quietly.
. M( Z" L1 \1 Z* ]% o5 Z6 `Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?3 `0 F. B9 b" r, L* W# e
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,! o! ^  M6 K" A# q+ B6 S& O3 g
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
; \; e; \; |: N# vThat is enough.
1 ^+ {1 R# Q7 O- jMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,( C& A# d% Q! u+ n. x3 z2 N
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,9 |/ T$ I# E5 ?+ ^9 Z! t- D! q. y  z3 B
the same as my missing.! k# y9 o" F+ w  ]; c( ]
It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 ?* I5 N4 a( j: R( n5 vIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
# K- y" k& Q6 E/ Dthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
0 D' N5 X5 n6 A" |1 K% [Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
) A; U2 e9 q6 T' ^; u& LI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
% t# ], m7 p* g7 L- p( `) zAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
  ^$ S+ T- ]/ ~( q# B) {  a0 ythen I will have all care and ardor.
+ U0 f5 M' j9 ~9 ]- |Shall we walk arm in arm?/ ?8 w2 Q' I: l$ n6 @& f
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.6 v8 b. p- M* I  R, }
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.. l0 s  Z7 E: ]
I am still the same person of yesterday.- ]- [9 ?0 f* @" y: v( c( w
Unchanged name, unchanged I.& p! }0 ?$ h9 a, e( n. g
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
' D. Z( \; Y2 x$ kLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
+ j) \, g1 K- J/ Z1 cMore or less,
5 x! e3 l$ B0 F a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.0 c& l: G% d: h+ f& L: d' O
1 g( [5 P6 |% C# N' w3 J
Summer easily slips away" a# j4 P* l/ G5 q  \" ?% y
Those long lost hot nights
8 \* `1 _: F/ g6 \. h, p) a can only be found in the old days. 5 ?8 W) O; }' @. x

6 z$ c" H4 H/ x+ ?/ b; ^Cats jumping over the window sills, , E8 N- K9 ]5 p9 W: ~! ?  t" `
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 : ?# Z" o  a8 @! c8 Y2 d
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.6 P+ Z/ O' ~% S' X( v) y
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.* q2 \5 k8 C. F5 ^3 w) l) O
I am still the same person of yesterday.
4 R( o& _% C/ d7 P9 p$ E$ N" }+ k% cUnchanged name, unchange ...

  [6 Z. o! J6 e/ @  Q: N
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
5 d# x" H' L* U/ P8 HGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
) S; a  T: B: E- @Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.( H; b5 Q4 f. {; }1 L/ g
I am still the same person of yesterday.2 [2 j1 F/ j- L7 c- f- R0 c
Unchanged name, unchange ...

; ~; R4 S2 }4 V7 Q' x0 ~i like it.
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