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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,& T1 p1 Z3 o6 _" h8 `; C6 l
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
6 F6 q- i. N0 w零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . % j* ~! Y2 v+ _  i# O9 d. r
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
. K; t% y2 ]8 g: M+ V; l' g梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
' p. K% _" H4 r5 H眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.; M  B+ _" _: g% m% d1 X: e
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
" t: N* i/ d! T$ O/ L猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
# a: J0 {5 y  F% p, p( {: V' r1 M( g就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.6 R, y0 U0 V- q. z% i
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" B% i/ e. D1 q  R那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
7 T5 s5 m; f/ x/ C世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.4 S' U5 Y2 e/ l: g+ ~( L
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
: R2 U1 B  f0 ~- `$ k0 k1 A2 g想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.! F" v4 H( N: z2 D: u/ ~8 A
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
1 l, t5 D% P/ t) d寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
8 q: \6 q0 S" L: f( z醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
  \. f! t" O9 _迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.( w' c" J+ q( N2 R% J4 {3 M+ r( q
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, s6 W3 |5 i6 l8 c0 U9 X多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?, P+ l9 P! l( V& t$ t
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….. @: M8 k- @; m
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously1 l1 d9 G! z& T& M
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
5 m( J9 f9 M+ q1 s" q多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
3 Z  C: e+ z# {! @& P: |为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
# P3 C" \: [" P! |; B$ E- L多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
; E5 y4 W$ e/ r- i2 ^6 ?永难平息的泪
% ?$ w" R# b+ ]) x4 G每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes1 f3 o7 a2 r5 q, H+ y0 i
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
" }2 C3 F- s, F# I( O当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
6 V% Q4 h# u; `- i' Z让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
) }! N" a3 y/ u# [你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
$ N( H0 l6 n2 G1 X一抹微笑;
- R' U, a+ t5 p2 z一个手势;3 ?, f- w, ~. X2 j
一片话语,; e+ j+ F: y% F7 D  j
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
5 i) N2 t8 @" ~2 W; ]明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner) F0 ~4 ^  u: }& N+ J
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
5 h: K$ L6 y- Y这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling3 `. S: w% _, i  W! W& z- X
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
; j- j# v6 Z: |: }7 g0 w起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,- s3 K/ {% G3 ~. ?0 k- g: r8 w' K
我并不以为然。; X$ V, _4 Z# }; t& i  L
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed * g* {' N% B' [& s* G
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
, O8 n" C( C! I5 g被一种情绪所左右,$ d2 @0 X  O1 Z: l" G7 B
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
, {9 G/ O( u( d即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you9 o+ H7 l9 |- v0 d
也不问我是否喜欢你,. g- c* H: B8 j+ B4 ^- X' e  Z5 U8 R
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
4 p$ [3 A6 ^" J1 i- q& B% C8 |只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
: j- L1 m) I9 ]- s4 K( S+ m) H3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
8 [# S; P; @# k! p. ~1 K心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
  @* ]( b" J  {然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
' X0 i( |/ z7 o. R, Z) y4 b1 w) r你的身影已化成一种氛围,
2 @) e: {" n+ |2 E! X. t4 ~( j, l$ q记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
3 V& L' `* D! X% z" C) `: R# x  d& }你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! : ]- ~( v  D/ w* C
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字0 v# V! P; ~7 f: H
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,2 |' j  x$ K- c% j& a
一种声音,and your voice
* X& s3 ~. D4 ?( R也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.( Z( h! T# w7 O$ b+ Z
掺杂著幸福的感觉。% x$ h/ a& U; w
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land/ J7 e8 {6 |* s4 P8 s7 {
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,7 Z4 d- C& f0 r9 K
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ Q) l$ l$ Q. I" @+ F& J  |  ^纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
+ U3 l  t/ I% M  N你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
/ U' u2 O. W! @6 @9 f' o' t有一个能够让思念的人,
! o5 i( N( z- p3 Z* I/ I# l其实也是一种幸福。
: c! R; O" R( L. E% k尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
" }0 N" R* I5 x( A2 t! N柔柔的海风,
2 J% X7 N1 F9 q甜甜的夏天。) I# b! E/ K3 m4 b, {5 q5 @6 R
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
) @( r! K- p& @) i$ l2 d只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
2 s: z& \& D* C仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do./ I. S& ^: G2 t% f9 D, C
想和你有共同的情结,1 B% @; Z* g* Z! _( R
共同的心愿。* [9 d: c$ j% L0 E( z

3 x! e, y7 e: r. J8 Z
- I/ k- ^! ?8 o, s$ t3 i好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
+ j8 M) j9 ^1 L, _1 K一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
, v# M# n8 Q- O4 k) h6 ]# h4 j或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
; @' T9 i7 i& c或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
" Q8 a0 w4 g/ t: Z0 g『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?6 _; d' T! Z& g# G( S
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 3 F; H. `$ ]$ S& c0 Y1 q, B
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
# S. ~5 J* w0 V& W或是轻轻的一吻,
" A& S; x" g/ y. h! z4 C: P; ~再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
( m5 s5 l0 \/ D4 l5 y; n4 L就足够了. That is enough.
. W% C  x! X+ x' B, w" ~这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 8 q3 d1 ?$ u2 z) F0 x
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.$ P: Z' g- s. @; U
萌出了芽,3 Z4 h7 s; s5 \0 \8 w! G
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing) U! }7 ~" s$ y: x8 z
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.6 T/ e8 y2 v1 }+ {" J1 _- B
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand9 D" k2 }% q9 X$ X" \# P8 Q
能够牵著你的手,  v$ {3 }) a% [* j  h
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
% M- d2 Z: E& N+ Q让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. & e- k: i" x5 x; P. Q' P
慢慢地细读," t* |  x3 x9 ^& Q8 ]% F- V  y) E- @; K2 M
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 3 t& ?- E0 g9 k  K$ Z
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
3 W, h. y3 _, q; Y3 S2 p我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
" U' j' m+ ]+ t0 Q' C就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:8 ], r+ t5 w/ x8 _* |
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago7 W* X; W$ g  Q; q
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.* N" ~/ C. ~9 |$ f- J" G& H( `$ D. @- L
change to:lacked$ B4 T3 V4 c* e* w& ]
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.( e2 N- i) [! T, t7 v0 k
Cats often played at the whole hot night.; D% i. s) o) }8 a8 ]) x
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
9 ^2 [# {0 k; q: i0 _# `9 G改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.3 o6 c! w; R* o+ i
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. - T( T& T7 D- q- |* Q- {! }% G6 [
该为:throughyour hands.9 N/ {  ^' a  p4 W/ h
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
9 c6 _% w8 U  s' r! p/ ^! Q不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
/ @5 ]: O3 z8 H至少比我强。
, X1 v" d( v- @. c0 P偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
  a: L4 ?% }/ F/ L3 j
9 h- V' x: v" ^* L& M- u7 a( p这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
, u2 W; y! z  ?7 l1 l, u后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了./ Z% u; n( p  ~. G% X, e
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
+ j8 s- x$ ~7 o8 u前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
3 Q* [$ N# ~0 S; J) qEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
4 h! n5 V5 G. F7 {2 p: @Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.& H% o4 K+ i" \- M8 b$ s$ m8 q
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
7 Z. A0 M4 i7 ^" q% X, `& |The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
6 }+ ?+ A2 f+ O/ e+ a! H- e6 SSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.7 H) s+ u1 d9 N. p- \9 p, A
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:; S4 x; g) e+ z4 T
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
0 y, a% I- T7 q# a5 }% vlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.4 x7 X1 V2 q% D! ^$ f
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
3 ]+ i8 L2 Y+ N: [5 dThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
- u6 a/ W  I- |6 s/ g* gThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.$ J1 o$ a  m/ x' }3 [
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.8 A% {2 d9 }% e; |. ]" k
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild." e; K8 |5 `/ F
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?: V. d  O5 z4 a' r+ Y1 h1 H9 _$ i
Intoxicated then feel cold,1 Q/ M6 q" i/ H
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.6 ?0 o9 q! G; f7 O; L
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
: {2 A* Q1 @4 G4 ?; RThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?2 D8 t6 X- ?( q+ [. t2 K, ~8 ~
Why I am always hoodwinked!
: v  Y/ W7 E7 n7 ^/ O6 vI have told myself many times cautiously 5 G# A1 q& g7 D4 g; D3 K
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
& R( C% H0 \5 O# o0 V& _3 }0 wThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
$ m4 C+ b- y6 Q# I7 K( s4 K1 S& vWhy can`t I take it easy?/ ^+ g7 Y0 x  ]: j4 I8 R+ P# m# w
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!8 ?4 ?) A9 i: b, l2 |. L' W( _! [3 Q
When the quiet night comes9 e4 W7 P5 T( O! v1 Q0 J
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.2 \1 A# {6 ?4 w6 a+ x' c2 Z
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
0 y. ]5 a- T- J9 c2 gYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,* f" T; m8 A) C# D0 [2 Y7 S
light the dark corner in my mind.7 H! \3 g9 p# [! i
I feel a bit of cozy.
) i$ ?" h5 K5 q4 DThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
8 o' A" ~: C* `. l3 i( q' {; Lmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
; c1 k& Q( b, m$ K# t" m- b) OI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,% f" n  T3 h+ @/ W! `# J! i7 J
but accompanying with the time passed9 x, ~: R( u0 t- Z
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
8 P/ X2 y. T3 Aalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.* V: ?9 f% @3 z$ l
Without asking if you like me or if I like you# T% @9 d9 u( h4 W
only feel gracious for your existing,' @' ^. W$ o" |- ~9 _
onlt want to do something for you.
5 |0 [( h% O5 l9 B& P# Q( e/ M4 n- HEvery time when you meet me0 q3 @+ W, C) p( k$ K+ p
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
1 u. h8 C+ Y7 @0 h/ o  Bbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere; F  _, w" }" ?7 {/ x2 b- U) g
That live in my heart.3 h8 p; `! a3 o# d0 U  w
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?5 W3 U5 B9 b- W. l: F# q( L9 C  I
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
- s8 G5 b: V) l1 t; \. n. Gmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.; g! L8 T& a9 e- K* h" {. }7 W% m
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land& g7 X) D1 ]6 @, ^
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
& h2 y# Y, d* C! T' P  ~Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,. [, K  Z0 a9 F, [, j4 H% h
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
  ]7 T% o5 `( p' k- LSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
  z! h" l1 j+ I2 C# Gonly waiting for you quietly9 N* J& Q: b5 Q: J% C/ p
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do." f4 p1 O1 B% a0 v
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
3 K0 i  _. _; A- Cand enjoy the rain washing together
+ a$ n# A; y1 n9 o$ Vor rush to a film
  K5 T" s. @$ _6 j( M* g7 G5 \or listen to a music quietly.8 r* _& B( _' B+ s
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
1 P% g- @6 o5 u) n# e; J9 ]6 ]If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
; M4 r: _# s! ?$ F* y, I& t$ J+ dsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
2 X  T6 r0 M( DThat is enough.3 I- P( E/ m& S
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
0 f/ R& t9 D/ _2 k9 \& O: nfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
9 l+ f% w9 a2 sthe same as my missing.7 X0 I0 E2 W: P2 R4 L
It comes a little bit of verdure., i2 g" }( ?: W0 K, z( N
If, If some day I can touch your hand, * B+ l6 V) I) F
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
1 U$ J& {" P3 c) q7 ]Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
- W, G; G# V0 c3 i" C, j  tI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
+ G. O$ u  f9 x, O  i0 |( {( |+ VAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,$ O2 L6 j0 F" d( W- P
then I will have all care and ardor.
2 e) q2 y/ b% d( R0 aShall we walk arm in arm?8 O+ Y8 j+ y  ]2 Q
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.* _8 X5 ~0 R& S  _0 j$ T% o. d' |; u( o
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
1 x5 x1 K. p8 o* R5 |I am still the same person of yesterday.; V. R0 j+ F2 ]
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
  v% @& h+ S8 l, kSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
' U4 I  l0 I8 U( {% {; a; w4 D* P7 fLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.. R. }' G" k8 w7 J5 a
More or less,
8 J2 ]' b* t/ C/ T: G& e  c a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
+ |! c( j, i% ]" F8 A  Q
: E& Q; ^5 G: g) @' k0 ]& c5 YSummer easily slips away" o8 m/ D2 l/ X2 t
Those long lost hot nights* f/ J$ M! |9 j1 `* z
can only be found in the old days.
8 O9 g  x+ c% f  o) ^3 B$ B- c! y: R; i5 G- |) g/ O
Cats jumping over the window sills,
2 ]3 [" l% m' Pchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
5 B6 N" r8 r+ H1 V3 HGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* b7 p( r9 f+ e9 L& ^9 cLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. K0 r7 Z9 V: I* `I am still the same person of yesterday.) t2 g4 ~9 a, U: t% H2 ~$ p
Unchanged name, unchange ...
, W" L5 N  [, B( ~
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 0 k% e2 l; o  J& l8 b
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
8 V( w' V* c6 z3 L1 m6 [9 A5 XLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ T8 m1 ?( S5 q2 v, K, M6 n
I am still the same person of yesterday.
5 l2 v# @: d1 k8 D! BUnchanged name, unchange ...
. H! W& P' i6 Q4 x1 @, W$ f
i like it.
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