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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,; J5 |# F! z! u2 ]: [+ a
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
. f' i# K+ e- ]9 V6 e0 Q1 w零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . + B. {' c6 ^& V# v4 q' {- t% z  \' z
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.1 t2 ~3 q' b# r# l
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
2 B6 d' u9 `* ?  q$ o2 R眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
! P8 x! G+ T* I1 o+ a夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
" s, V: w7 V! z1 r; I9 z) U" S" w猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.. r, d( _8 m/ ^1 D) Y  T
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.- v6 x$ Y9 w+ a" Q' e: k
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
# |. N8 d3 ^) f3 b3 K# Y8 k$ x那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。# U' I3 ^: i+ v9 {$ w
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.1 I( M# b8 q) d$ O8 B
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
: a4 l2 O) ]7 \  b& h( p想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
) p% a$ f+ I1 X, A最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
. q$ \6 s8 n. y. D( Z, K寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
; E3 o9 g/ Z4 Z* l醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.* u' B+ T" [# z' f1 ^: x2 M
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.* u# l0 \, `! P. o4 Z
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
/ Z* n( x- h3 h7 _* o! r4 E( j5 F多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
  L0 H2 j" E- h0 E8 N$ ^Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….; W/ f5 l- W! ?' f  E' l6 f, a
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously! L0 D5 F. ^/ ]' j
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
% d0 m; B1 [" Q2 n  z& |: T# U多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
4 }7 h9 Y) v1 S; l为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
  s) w1 @2 s: Z6 k3 y多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
8 N& u  m8 w6 k$ E0 B4 F永难平息的泪  Y' ?" ^8 }8 T0 V- ]: Q) Q. P* w
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
2 F8 x) a7 Q$ p~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.! I8 D5 X3 K3 l6 k
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
: U( i9 N. J5 O& p% i; k" ~让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
: U* Q, p. ?$ |1 f1 t! j你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul / s* c: D0 M* E" g3 q0 R3 F+ \
一抹微笑;$ k  v: v+ X9 p# Y1 s' S3 g
一个手势;
' |0 h3 a" G6 k1 D7 k' @+ w一片话语,2 y9 Y% B1 H8 d. z
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、2 x: L+ f, N1 x; W( b; W
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
7 G  i) n4 I! p6 T" B: o心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.& Z+ S7 c6 v+ Q4 ?9 T! k9 a3 p7 q
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling: `, @! v) A/ p# K  P& `' H
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..4 |0 P$ F6 {8 s+ Z6 X- A- \
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
9 \$ U4 G9 X/ S2 v+ [! r- Q我并不以为然。9 ^" M0 g8 x1 R" C% m
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed & h) [8 T# G* `3 A- f! d
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
( l4 r/ h' W! k. u被一种情绪所左右,8 R8 Y: e9 H" Q  s4 v8 |$ U
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
$ v2 G. b& W* y) p) @2 |即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
* L. [& p- }" j$ m( \) E( W2 Z1 Q也不问我是否喜欢你,
5 U* e2 q  Y+ f! Y4 A: `对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
' x% R6 G# T2 U* p只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you6 p8 X1 {9 n: H3 D
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you/ `$ h5 @+ m$ L: W: ?; i; j
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil( w6 g, f( x7 ]5 ]8 w7 C$ n
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere / X# }" I2 C6 h* ]
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
/ w, o+ K( E4 d% d, [8 m$ B+ O记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
, I5 M4 w7 A  f; n  G你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
0 S. }6 [( Z9 a2 J! f- o7 \随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字- @2 }* X! g( @* Q# C
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,4 J' p. N- B) n* {1 S8 [% ?* D- B
一种声音,and your voice* ^$ ^0 ^- U9 I7 q
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
: w8 _( J% x  u- H掺杂著幸福的感觉。
, F$ g' W. H' J+ p/ }' ?1 @与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land- ]" P) ~7 ]# O; t* B, W
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
% I( b# q: n% W& S, `( q倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.' W& I, L' z8 L
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。- p! d# P/ u# v0 b9 d  g( F- y
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
" d' R+ w& V; a5 ^有一个能够让思念的人,
3 w. c# s+ s1 I# O, v1 g2 s3 L: w其实也是一种幸福。' D0 U  _0 i6 u4 S
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
9 E6 V9 E% ^; l1 g6 v9 [柔柔的海风,! z- K/ j  {" t% M
甜甜的夏天。
4 X( S+ v# L$ N' ~一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 4 K2 A) D0 A9 W3 z4 }) h
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.( S% Y( R7 z" i8 v& k+ E
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
" U! i5 q1 s$ Y. w+ p想和你有共同的情结,( x7 O: B1 {8 t6 A9 Y
共同的心愿。
* Y6 K& g7 N/ G% U" ]7 q: m- P0 W% a* {% a; z1 D+ K  K
' L9 d2 Q# \8 _1 N0 d
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you" x9 ?9 @+ ]* Z- F) _: v
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
3 s7 j5 x' G* I2 \或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film / U5 |# _) e  b' x
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.8 o# `& C3 F# g" Y4 j
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?& ~% {& s. S; G- D* ~) I/ }
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
! k5 R, @$ j# r. G" o8 K' _浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
2 \" [3 Q" P, r或是轻轻的一吻,' S' V; l. L- \2 l0 c( f' X$ O! s5 {
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
- `! ?& c1 j* a( [2 B- n0 m2 o就足够了. That is enough." f  j( q+ E6 ?9 s
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ; M+ ^+ S2 q  R& n) U  h7 t
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
: _" |9 O4 m0 w5 z# |( g萌出了芽,( T$ |! J' E# T& A4 @4 p" {
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
7 z9 j# p9 A7 c- \$ k2 C5 }浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
) U% H5 ]6 P& m: F' E如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
. r4 ?/ O0 N2 g& V% E能够牵著你的手,
, D8 ]$ f0 U7 h' T. ~+ J- a那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
3 M9 p! g9 }" s0 j. N% v让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
7 v. E) v; x* P慢慢地细读,
5 P4 A0 o' I) c8 Q, c. @+ p我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. - l+ M+ i1 e: [' r
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ! u# p7 y' t. T, {" Z. X3 ]$ \
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 2 i- i2 _8 {" y" A( t
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:3 l- V9 z* @5 J; E* o# d2 g- |
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
; t" ]$ D* S' n眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
9 C5 I2 F6 P% [0 M+ B! Hchange to:lacked
' F: a. \# E/ ?9 y猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
" {5 Q$ _+ t. z/ g" |Cats often played at the whole hot night.
5 I& X$ d6 p. b( }9 L( M# k 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 A: {6 P  p5 _' [# [7 {6 h& S改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.) W  l" H/ f* ~8 E! Y5 ~- v) y
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ' g8 l4 w& W# \/ `2 f. C
该为:throughyour hands.9 T# {4 B, W6 M8 |
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
4 C& M6 V4 H. I  a: H' s不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。& q. `* J2 ^2 Z! M7 ^' N- Y
至少比我强。
; i- Y& J8 C0 c$ r7 g偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
0 i9 v" k& J: u0 V7 _. M  x2 X& V) t' s0 S1 u9 \/ `- ]  j
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。1 S, O0 g% {# v7 h6 D/ u3 _
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
0 R" \% D7 c( v& o谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.# N" G' s* i; _
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:, e/ |; E# H2 K5 y" a
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
$ N0 I+ i/ P; Z5 tPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.1 R) S4 ^$ z" j
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
' p/ N3 V9 c% W; EThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
! i! A  S! X& j$ mSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
4 v( i8 H/ s* ]Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
, h, Z: d8 m% O4 lCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
8 n4 }3 M" \# h$ F' Flike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.4 I' G8 w0 D# T2 D& O7 A
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.' _% G0 Y( l% `6 T* Q& ^
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
7 t5 e2 O9 Z0 g0 [7 ]That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
1 y, X: T8 `5 ^3 K. S" wI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.+ A3 Y$ M! G) G/ {" @
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
* |$ l1 G; ]; C( H3 o# UIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?* w' m4 e+ z) v6 s% A" c2 B# `
Intoxicated then feel cold,
) G% B$ \6 j" i. o# r4 Cthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
# R/ a* i9 Q; zI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
) q' b, [3 F. ?4 \: D) XThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?. y- G2 }! p0 n5 U; Z
Why I am always hoodwinked!
8 G/ ^5 p! b4 L  a3 XI have told myself many times cautiously
- P: Z' x3 j7 W! i6 @; M  O" n2 rdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.& W6 Z: n) t1 {- @! B
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation./ X3 \* d1 k% D6 {4 d0 F6 C
Why can`t I take it easy?6 T5 J3 F1 {" z" ?& ]( [; q2 Q
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!; w3 |- R7 Z) I
When the quiet night comes
, v+ ?4 W! X4 ^5 Z2 q% byour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.7 Y8 E9 s; W( F6 B# }* _; l
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
0 {7 p$ m/ n2 P9 bYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
. ?& X: y9 a- E/ @light the dark corner in my mind.0 s% J# d- G9 f" W* h( G
I feel a bit of cozy.
& ^: E. f6 e# t9 a- U+ J6 q# {- YThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
) F; K: Z: I7 \) Bmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.7 R! l' S) [1 e' v: D3 f5 l: d
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,: H8 T: y9 y2 T# H; I
but accompanying with the time passed( x  n+ z2 H7 O3 J# y
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
( N& v! F! v1 Dalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
+ \- q; }  \' yWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
7 o9 f3 {0 h5 Q: }( o0 a4 l' Oonly feel gracious for your existing,5 c/ _* Z8 ]" m/ T; p2 J
onlt want to do something for you.
3 _$ Z1 P; e3 W% }) \; P4 v: xEvery time when you meet me
, [4 L( `/ f3 ?( z1 t6 Wthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,. \+ G9 E9 d% y: u6 N/ h1 G
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
1 Q, e9 z# ~1 NThat live in my heart./ S5 C9 Y1 q: W) G
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?6 t% Q4 r+ K2 a3 e* `/ \
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice; a8 W3 T; D, b* P6 t7 W2 s/ p
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.' T5 G( _6 h: f' h% c9 |: A
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land: b% [5 j* A5 Y; l0 |; }. C1 V
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.9 q1 h/ V! O' `: B4 M
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
6 U% r) E& c; x/ Yespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
9 f! `9 b+ u5 y6 U) J$ CSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
. M# K- m) ~$ b5 |, `0 Sonly waiting for you quietly9 q6 ?, R% T- Y7 {  e/ t$ A
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.9 m& F+ b; D3 O* Y1 e: D. h! Y! P
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you   m, k2 W; @* L" b
and enjoy the rain washing together7 O0 j6 a3 ~5 C. Q7 |* i
or rush to a film( W  `& H% ^2 G0 @/ e3 w
or listen to a music quietly.
. J) o, d1 w4 r: Z/ F3 U. kWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?& [6 t' D0 n" y" x9 z
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,% o. [6 p. d; G: J8 d
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
' N9 u: s/ L% sThat is enough.
& `; m" b* {; E6 c* l$ [Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
- d( z9 q: O0 ifinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
- J; O. m/ Z  F& E! hthe same as my missing.
3 r* {5 z2 r) v: v1 r; y+ RIt comes a little bit of verdure.' i6 G0 t( R6 r5 k+ g
If, If some day I can touch your hand, - U/ A; S: `3 l& O  r( t, N. i
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.3 v; z- e' R/ R* o& V4 Q  Q
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
3 ^; P, J5 ]  O6 f1 VI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.' l0 f* X+ c5 s4 k: K* O% Q
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,1 D# o; P2 W2 O& K
then I will have all care and ardor.
8 H% H0 O/ M6 YShall we walk arm in arm?
& `" n7 ?8 j4 G7 H7 T呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.  g/ }8 L" `3 N6 w" L
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.- u5 Z$ C. l/ T$ _& H( R
I am still the same person of yesterday.
/ o7 A& x; c( o! A2 y$ Z  q+ xUnchanged name, unchanged I.
. c3 _- b  i; O4 P: `/ o' @Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. ; t- x& \  B2 x% G( I1 @
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
+ d; G4 @3 s2 g3 Q$ [/ F1 Z, p. jMore or less,
* d+ R9 F0 W% G" M" t a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.9 O' w$ N3 R9 ?% P( y& q8 I  y' D

2 j/ h8 o" J7 Y4 E5 QSummer easily slips away- I6 H6 |+ M5 G: [$ g% N7 [
Those long lost hot nights# n3 v; m9 v* }0 M8 K$ L
can only be found in the old days. % A# s. b+ ~) A; T# p6 G; Z5 b

2 ~% Z/ G8 v  ]+ MCats jumping over the window sills, ! D; ?7 J8 I% j9 n, I9 s+ _2 ~$ F
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
0 m+ r  P$ I- b$ V: AGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
1 z* E! \2 k9 z1 PLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.% V" S( Y) S& z( ]+ {; ~6 Y
I am still the same person of yesterday.  z* @2 d% @) L3 h8 K  X6 p/ N6 E
Unchanged name, unchange ...
* ?# H* P0 e1 G
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
# ~9 V7 F& x2 }, r2 n( pGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.5 k! g8 L: _7 `0 R
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.( L: Z8 u9 ~; O/ }
I am still the same person of yesterday.9 S" S  z% {' Y. p6 @0 m( l$ h) \2 B
Unchanged name, unchange ...
9 @/ B2 ^# p7 o% V- e3 K8 H
i like it.
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