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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,( p8 c" p/ @0 P
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  2 t* o, n0 |2 t
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
) N3 k3 Z  P# G- C! M8 d& I# U现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.5 ~4 G. t" f: Y9 Y7 @
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
4 U- D" H+ K5 E8 ~  F眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.+ d3 a- g$ _9 |5 l
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.4 M% M  S" e8 U/ W% k' k8 W1 W
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.3 d8 Z% {$ m$ W( @( p5 J! A
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.0 C- G  u  ]1 N  W
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及8 z$ N/ O9 J: l0 H& |
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。" g- z4 z3 F6 I0 \8 n' `9 P
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.& B& f% C+ N2 G0 ]2 J* N
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
6 }5 r( _. V; J2 d/ a想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.7 [3 D- T2 ^+ b
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
* y9 O4 G/ p! q- p寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?& R' |# n3 P/ K0 C( o$ L
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
9 l+ e: t- e; m; h% o# H迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
( f' H9 X8 s. ]" E9 W最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.* i* x: r$ q5 F8 O' Y
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?" @) ], Y& t) P% v) X0 h  |/ x* [
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
; p$ a5 Z! R1 j, |# G多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously; n* l/ @$ C) d- B  N
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
( n7 S/ q/ S- b& F多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
8 z" u7 M& w2 i: O* J7 c4 W为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
# Z' s3 z, U8 Q: e  Z9 i7 ?多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
# K+ z1 }# m  Y永难平息的泪
, ]. T1 k$ m- e1 ]% S- Y) I$ _每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
& E% J8 [2 @) \" F% a0 R~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
) U9 C/ ~/ {; R7 ~当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
& `' l  T# h+ V让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
, w4 h5 P! P& q3 ?9 L8 o1 M% ^你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
( s# [. v( a+ N一抹微笑;7 N0 x8 v0 y2 J0 e
一个手势;" E+ e* m& _* }8 ]! V; [. G
一片话语,
/ g+ @4 @3 o2 j% Z愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
/ ]+ ~$ T" z1 k) _* S- q明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
- S! [1 v, n8 k; d/ P$ Z% ~心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
: I  c. Q2 U% o$ m( Z% Q' K这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
# E9 @' V0 X2 q! [' ?4 Q也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life../ [0 O" a8 K4 k
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,9 d. s% ?: O9 P8 w' b% n0 @+ a3 u
我并不以为然。
- g( O1 d; e, c9 f, q可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
: `, i. |: w  _6 T* ?慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
) O8 j" U# H$ }被一种情绪所左右,
6 b( c% L, Z. u. `: r总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
# c8 u( w9 Z+ K; C/ g9 o/ o1 h5 M即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you% Y9 B( H" p- g
也不问我是否喜欢你,! U5 _1 X. s5 ]- ^$ R7 r4 r* Z
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
/ z3 Z; A5 p0 Q/ X3 R) T只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
0 N$ q8 Z* |6 P( d4 t3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
- e) ~2 u" R5 s, k( q, J' N+ @心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
; S% z8 T$ e9 r& h, ~然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 3 B/ E1 \! y$ P. v9 U; ?
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
% s7 @. U1 N/ Y. `3 m1 J记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
( C$ |, Y6 t& [; G4 R4 f你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
' B: w- W5 u5 I随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
& a$ w3 Q- b4 q' r% c' x8 V哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
! l9 l" h8 l& |+ x* m一种声音,and your voice$ \, W' @) Q# ?
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
* E# i- d3 ?7 S5 J掺杂著幸福的感觉。4 Z' o- }' G( g4 z
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land# a! f. O; c7 a; I5 L
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,7 Z5 P2 l# ^1 Z9 n# l
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.% V0 {6 Y0 O4 l  |, d: E# b
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。6 p4 W1 ]& d: c' F' {
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss% I$ G* |$ N8 M, N2 A5 x. l! X
有一个能够让思念的人,
/ k8 X0 S3 Q4 }5 L0 y) l其实也是一种幸福。5 C- {) X- C4 C) z. A: M! r
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
3 t! v  ]- {# K  v) S3 Y柔柔的海风,5 R. ~) c' l" f8 e
甜甜的夏天。# G$ t' u! F% @; R: v: q/ p* [
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 5 E  D! z% V& V# @' i
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.3 j8 _2 K- h3 [1 X/ G1 o- k$ Y
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 i& N* @8 h* s8 p7 |& H想和你有共同的情结,
* E# J& h0 I; T共同的心愿。4 k, {& r+ ^3 r, J% i: ]( t
+ {" C' m0 e  k7 Y3 z+ A

! d$ f0 W! Q2 _9 g好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you. D9 F! X4 Y  o7 v7 T6 \3 @6 H
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
7 D8 H; M+ a0 V4 F或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film " G" F3 F" H( L" ^
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
3 l  F1 b- C( q* u1 m『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?/ ^) P4 y7 i- n8 J& L# Y3 _4 G1 Z
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
& ]+ X( {! U, T7 ?: E4 o" y浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
! R; l- w1 `! |$ M4 |或是轻轻的一吻,4 w$ n+ d1 P- G3 K. k
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』4 E* r: i2 u) b" j2 R
就足够了. That is enough.
: s4 i' u/ r9 _% o5 w: d/ _5 g- u这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
9 S$ H/ A5 F( a! E" I终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.2 Z) y+ u% @$ A4 a- i& B4 w0 h2 k
萌出了芽,
+ i. V8 }/ z) t! \% \$ m一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
1 q7 o9 Z- S% k- k1 O' I浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.+ s: o3 l3 n: s- b; I, |
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand3 c9 e3 Z/ l% E& q, _4 l+ T
能够牵著你的手,5 @% e  A; H" v7 @; X
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ S" t3 X% @+ L5 D- ?6 L& F让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.   D0 P/ ~- d& f2 {/ g4 X
慢慢地细读,- d: z8 [" L+ d8 l5 M2 G* k$ M
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
9 R7 z( _9 P$ o0 E! q在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
+ S. Q- e% h1 l! q7 \我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor " O( K/ ^$ e0 j$ p
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
8 s- M' H* K6 c$ q现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
- i/ d& I/ v2 h% b1 P1 W0 h眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
- ^% g3 X% Q8 w9 o  q$ b! G4 m3 E$ ?change to:lacked
8 |, J+ Y6 @& ?# B. I; @: X5 W/ Z猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
* r: U" _: U6 J0 ^0 U8 O* RCats often played at the whole hot night.7 \" ^6 n) d' |0 f. \$ X- h: }4 {) c; D, m
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及1 _& t1 |* i4 ~; P
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer., k- R9 M5 G+ K# V8 L. }  N
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 5 }/ W# x9 C8 J
该为:throughyour hands.
* d1 r& z7 J. j. _+ p还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。$ t7 I7 l4 o. k' g. N
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
' O8 v% B  ^$ k) C# M至少比我强。
6 V2 L, T7 f4 q% {偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... & c% q. R2 }4 j$ v4 P

# S# ~) e! n5 F9 @这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
2 n) R# {/ D# ~" H$ T" Q9 ^后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.- O. Y6 e& Z1 R; q" m
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
$ {% b3 n4 b& d/ x1 B- K/ |前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
  \3 T6 c0 N1 pEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry., ]/ j$ N+ v& \9 y' ]/ O
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.( W; u0 [- W( J/ J- x6 w/ _# }
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
; g, \, B# z. x" H+ T: ]2 Q. OThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
8 x- Z6 O- _( \7 _2 Z7 ~- a1 `Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.4 b6 F$ l( B, C$ V! @; L* X$ z
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:" j& b/ w. x3 B$ C, F9 b
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool & \; v  j' a0 P$ j& _, O
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
) `( }; Y' i4 UI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.. T. m2 a- b2 @8 x# J% q
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.- H  ~, x, T8 e# f. U
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.5 T0 S  v1 H, I( J# J9 T! c: Y
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.8 }0 F  D) s' i8 Y/ Y
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.7 v8 l1 B$ E/ t' c
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
4 J. g% |+ V& ~/ XIntoxicated then feel cold,
! W0 _  a6 s, w9 R% Y. _6 Zthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
6 q% O6 r; k9 x& fI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.8 C5 e* ?* q( ?$ k$ L3 J
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
$ p3 y3 Y* J2 E! y, PWhy I am always hoodwinked!
9 n; \/ a7 ~6 ]  \) r% zI have told myself many times cautiously 8 k# p% S+ y! N4 r% ]2 N3 k1 _
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
! o' z  n5 [8 HThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.9 j$ b& ~4 f, Y* D) r9 ?. s# N  B
Why can`t I take it easy?
1 ]( d) ^7 G; ~) uHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
# U# s& A0 n# q) A7 |0 ~When the quiet night comes
+ V1 ]9 E8 t. `+ Q# T, G6 a+ fyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.: y5 i) i- V) a# o& C
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.+ h' {! m( V  V# _/ V
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul," E7 e# ~+ b# B$ Q/ p
light the dark corner in my mind.* ^$ A$ k% L# G1 |6 \5 p
I feel a bit of cozy.: N. @& ^' v/ q& q5 w6 x
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
  @2 e, K2 R" }+ Z' @maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
# ?% E; I3 C7 C2 b$ hI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
$ g) N# ]$ ^$ _2 H; Cbut accompanying with the time passed
6 n7 W* D9 a7 J/ D$ b2 g5 d+ yI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,9 _3 a/ V' _1 E  d
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.% b5 k# ]9 J1 d
Without asking if you like me or if I like you/ o8 O/ q# U5 v  p1 |
only feel gracious for your existing,4 s' ?& a) J/ T. y) T: j( S
onlt want to do something for you." y3 ~7 l) K7 o/ W7 \( Z8 b9 B1 D
Every time when you meet me
1 k3 P( ?1 @% f- u% i# H! Xthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
" N8 X1 w5 }* Z! I; B- C- r# Ybut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
8 J# u% D  n1 p7 R, Z* d( Q6 mThat live in my heart.$ X; f$ C0 Y+ `; U! D; s- W/ L% y1 d" j
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?/ H7 O( U) }* e: t/ A
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice0 u- u! M. v: ]5 u# E# r+ L
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.2 s" C" g  C( N; y6 D
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land- d/ e# X( r" ^% k, J8 s2 E
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.- S4 c) T# T8 C* D
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,/ S: J# B1 ]# ?2 `
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.6 {) }& @2 h) ?6 ?3 Q3 Y4 n( f5 @! O
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
  Q) f* h+ `& o+ S2 L2 Oonly waiting for you quietly) p; Y- e) R9 d3 z# u
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.7 c& y+ ]5 _. q! z, M
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
8 a" \: s. z  eand enjoy the rain washing together
: ~4 Q9 S3 \& ]8 tor rush to a film* @* }) J% G% |; S( d! Q: O- m$ e, `
or listen to a music quietly.
+ \/ @: ^5 r- q5 SWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
( r+ H9 v, M& i5 v2 I$ hIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,7 A3 L) ?5 \$ o+ y
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".  w6 i2 {6 m7 i* o% D
That is enough.
' T/ _2 w0 R% @1 fMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
$ ]* O0 L& l/ }- H& Wfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,; x* Y- R; E4 ~* w
the same as my missing.9 ?2 B5 _4 `5 q+ Y* L) g4 @
It comes a little bit of verdure.
# P) h8 _0 @/ V7 O0 vIf, If some day I can touch your hand, - V, S' e. H0 ^# h/ T7 C0 |
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.% t, p- ^6 y) j& ~0 e: l- E0 H
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
. T( i" n+ v" B" E3 tI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
0 R. R' K% A% |/ E: w( X1 AAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
) ]3 M2 q; Q8 M/ P' J& x3 Kthen I will have all care and ardor.# |( p5 A7 g: p/ W# ?& H
Shall we walk arm in arm?! g" i" N( _) z
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
$ P, n2 g4 O" F( C: VLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- f7 B9 `5 ^# H5 t! G! P- M4 K' CI am still the same person of yesterday.
  B- v" G  D0 _0 p  B  [Unchanged name, unchanged I.
2 y* S: w5 a) T$ [Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
* u3 h* i' X: K$ F% `( QLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk./ `" j4 B, Z4 f6 U
More or less,
7 P1 P7 x) `* E- m( q5 F a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
/ C& a- L1 y3 O& Z- V
9 l: e9 U: A7 m: nSummer easily slips away
7 H2 U! D6 S1 @+ g* K  w9 dThose long lost hot nights9 ~/ f1 Z+ X! p* l' W
can only be found in the old days.
  y4 H' }; R5 R5 l
3 q  x0 D) T: ]. ^Cats jumping over the window sills, * v3 D. |. H: {5 |! i# [
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
: R, O: A( b/ R2 tGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.1 s, @5 C5 t9 y. g
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around., ~: Z/ z+ U: j1 J
I am still the same person of yesterday.5 _, L% }6 b5 \3 T% t% ~. g
Unchanged name, unchange ...
2 j5 T& {+ B. _! H8 z
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
1 h7 b( C# j+ d- hGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
/ t+ M# f7 w" SLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
' F5 V% K+ R0 _( Z1 @I am still the same person of yesterday.$ I5 x* z( A+ j
Unchanged name, unchange ...
5 o! U9 X! o% l. r0 G
i like it.
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