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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,0 c' _% r" w7 F! L
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
4 J/ a9 O3 H: {5 C! F, D/ S, c$ v/ J" W零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 6 h* T# U! E3 N; H; g( h0 d
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
7 J2 G7 {7 I1 X8 ?梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.3 q5 _/ f8 k, m/ v/ E
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
9 Z; H; p6 Q0 B1 d# m& a4 p  P夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
" Q" p# D! h- y$ D+ \' o3 f猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.) d! f7 {4 }3 ~" s. _: {
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.% p8 a8 U. J7 C$ ?9 X
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
, _8 J0 l" z& k: }那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。) O: Z  p! F* [1 t; N, a: n) m  @4 w
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
6 R4 e5 ]7 Z( p% E昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.* b. {# J% |4 k7 ~2 d
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
7 ]' Y+ k+ _* q$ t最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
) U+ k  [9 w) H% S& [% `寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
  h- P7 ?9 n, o5 I8 t( @! ]' K; ?9 a醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.3 O( G; f8 ~  t9 k3 R6 e; v" m
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.8 R+ O' C' \" B) K) n" F
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.* X0 H, c! u" _6 i
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?7 a- j' U1 i" d$ ~8 g
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….9 c2 c$ x  _$ ~9 m4 c) V: H
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
3 U3 R1 }9 T: T3 a8 c7 e6 V6 D不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig./ C' f5 m4 W2 W( y$ |. F
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, & G* e6 ?: J* K' j6 ]+ M
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?1 a, Z: X" X7 r% `
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!9 _2 b7 k" U/ r7 H/ J
永难平息的泪
8 u/ ~4 v- W- A每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
/ D5 F. G, l& U1 x, `7 b, h~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes., s. m! h7 V1 }: e( [& K
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
- t1 D5 B& `/ D& D让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
8 O- W4 `7 H! y: ^" h你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
; j' _, X+ j9 Z: `: U: g) S  ^7 `一抹微笑;0 c2 u" P* g+ y$ M9 ]# K0 @) h, j" t
一个手势;
- j; Q3 Y4 Q# U- Y! Z" G- c一片话语,1 @7 _9 B  ?! y. S8 R, u
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、7 f3 Z" l- k% @" W4 `+ x( b' s' h
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
: X$ W# x8 |7 e8 J) G+ k# c/ o心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
; ~1 X3 }5 j' @5 y0 X7 `# m4 E这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling+ F% x( b6 q3 X+ z; z3 q9 _2 W: j/ C
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
5 l; c) v$ I( i起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,: t* `& A( w0 Z( ^3 T; W7 c. T& v
我并不以为然。
2 r5 }, D' N% {7 `7 _可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
/ m2 ]. m9 Q8 [" L( N* p慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .! z6 K3 ?! i9 O: V
被一种情绪所左右,
" W" A0 z' J! N8 }总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .7 Q2 D0 h9 J) h$ [2 }
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you1 F% ]0 i, y7 ^5 j
也不问我是否喜欢你,
' e# b  n& `% E5 M# F) l对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
2 S) w, U) j; }" ^1 g4 o只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
% C# L: N, F, P3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you4 M% B, s2 o% H- G3 M
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil3 g# @) s% D' m* h9 [% }7 C- \6 k
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 3 i1 m/ i  ?8 C- @
你的身影已化成一种氛围,' w" @/ U% j/ x5 m+ E- p
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.0 |) @5 h( ?$ m
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
9 H" y; n% g4 a4 ]随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字$ S/ p6 i! J/ E- {! _  [
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,* F) M! O, `1 q0 ]% |! r4 U
一种声音,and your voice
' b1 R* }5 O' {4 m5 s' h* r也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
% X7 x6 w4 N' q掺杂著幸福的感觉。5 b2 R: A/ M  \# i
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land/ w: K1 P- ]. r1 X
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
6 h0 U: d- a# E9 z8 w) J! m倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
! F) y  ?* T$ e& r9 N纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
5 u) Z8 f$ t4 v- l你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
# o  g9 `) q) n, {3 l有一个能够让思念的人,) I* K. o# m0 n
其实也是一种幸福。5 o0 I+ R' E6 T
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. % `. b  n% k; q" G' M! Z4 g3 S
柔柔的海风,1 w# s$ C, T' y" Q+ i) _
甜甜的夏天。4 E# P. o; L) K/ ]0 O( _2 Q
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
/ a' W; }+ R; ^1 E0 U8 {只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.) r3 i5 |% c$ e2 r; i, G: w' M; `
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.& o6 T0 ~+ G" \  B
想和你有共同的情结," X; l- r6 ^4 _% n' Y7 ]4 f$ q
共同的心愿。
8 {* X+ O! n5 O4 o6 }' U
( X# L% r! A) L' g, P$ T5 O  t! p0 g  W0 D
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you9 y1 Z* E5 e+ e6 \2 B$ H: r" [7 }, I
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together- B$ p; d+ `' X% B3 |
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
0 t4 b: @" z5 W% Z& L' ?# i- g或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
! R: Y. E$ O# I. M6 r) K7 j; j9 b$ D『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
0 C) f. {$ d) c# \我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 5 F# Q9 @% q- e* L/ {, [
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”9 }9 N" ?% r) P0 j. ^1 F+ A
或是轻轻的一吻,, y  h9 o* R7 T  ~2 Z0 L
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
4 U" f  _% m) u1 H* L+ g5 M, p就足够了. That is enough.' t* S! K  T6 @1 n8 i: h& T$ D- l- k0 c
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 8 O2 Q" M& t9 l" M
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.& u/ Y: q+ ^- w$ m
萌出了芽,/ [2 U' f9 T8 f' i& D
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing; o; h* S  H& q6 t* J
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.6 V6 \* g( I; T% P  e4 Z
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand8 B) p3 }$ q0 n& C
能够牵著你的手,; g% B8 T9 L  |& g8 X
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
7 {9 q& p8 _% |2 C, ~- `/ I& O4 Y让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. , x. t- F* u- o" L
慢慢地细读,
& }0 y2 Q9 ]! _6 @& r我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. . ?1 z/ p4 ~& M; [+ Q2 o% c7 u
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me # b& |  p& Y: m1 f( y
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor / z9 a4 |' [& a* h) K
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:- l" L1 p2 K0 @: S' w; F
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
4 q" K( G/ }* e: V) K眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.4 w7 ~1 g% U, D5 g+ n: I, L( o
change to:lacked1 I7 A4 y. r  b
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
& }" }7 i: X$ b, Y. q; mCats often played at the whole hot night.7 U% B5 \% e6 e, D
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
8 n7 |2 n9 ^/ q3 a& Q8 t, p0 z改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.9 A9 t' R  K' a/ \: ~
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
3 X  l& b+ M+ S7 B$ @该为:throughyour hands.
+ s8 @5 S# L/ e3 W  A: p还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。' O. ?. d; f9 d) z9 ^6 P
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。% U& S% u) ?+ n  }- r1 A! w$ L
至少比我强。# K/ w. W* o5 N! G4 Y$ K3 O5 b( a
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
1 w2 S# G2 L4 q4 p2 t% [0 f+ S  _
$ ]. w4 l5 @; i! r这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
4 V. Q! `$ H& X3 x后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.2 w# k7 x2 g  O% w$ t
谢谢三思的鲜花.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
# a: Q& s0 c' L* l" p前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:! A* r+ [" f9 s% @8 b* n6 f
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry., D: R8 s" s/ d9 g, e3 M
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
1 h/ W' t; ^1 G5 J- C; ~8 u) g) R' t$ ? Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
) T& [, @3 F) u, AThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
+ N! c# R$ I- p% a: D# XSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.% l* f' q3 e* l/ S+ h" W1 ?  u" D
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
6 r% m1 ~- u3 u: ~3 i$ gCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool " \; z! T( j% K# x: n( D6 o! q$ e
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
# w. f0 L: C. J  II often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
  T8 |! J% p1 yThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.+ C' ]8 Y% @: W' k! x, k- [7 W
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
3 t  T! u. I$ A9 |) |I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
; r9 Y+ C8 K- f# I3 Q1 d- U# rI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.( ?% w" r3 b) B0 D. `! t
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?# m4 i3 B& v3 S
Intoxicated then feel cold,
% p# z; t  a' ], ?0 ithe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.! t- C7 x" G- E2 M' q: w" \7 X
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
! f# {- _4 A7 ?8 \! TThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
& s. _' T1 i* m/ d6 qWhy I am always hoodwinked!
/ l: W) @$ l1 [+ B/ q7 mI have told myself many times cautiously 3 \7 W* \6 w% L
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
" R' L- ?& i, Z5 oThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
! E/ ?3 q/ d+ ~8 V9 c0 u9 E8 aWhy can`t I take it easy?' L: k; f$ P0 N9 b3 P
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
) [- w3 y8 Z& m% TWhen the quiet night comes( T$ T6 P3 i( F" \3 ~' B" m9 H
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.0 l" a, w5 N. e( [% Z' I% R
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.: n& Q8 ~# l0 I+ o7 R  W
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
2 m2 V7 d9 [. b. c0 jlight the dark corner in my mind.
2 P4 B8 K( {& R* @& E; ^I feel a bit of cozy.* K# \3 D" _- U4 _( L
The deep attached to you in a twinkling: ?' t; `& y- f" u3 w
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.; z4 {, B; k, m
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,. }+ ~2 ^/ e0 `+ k' J9 V* i
but accompanying with the time passed
8 d2 l5 ]8 I: r  h. [; Y: gI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
+ G" R) X. @& r2 c% `: q" B4 Yalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
* z& l0 E! k0 h/ NWithout asking if you like me or if I like you3 t$ }2 z, E+ x; K
only feel gracious for your existing,
# }; Z0 U5 P9 |' r1 K( Vonlt want to do something for you.: o( y9 y: v' ~3 ?
Every time when you meet me
7 z7 b+ J0 m( Z, \the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,; \% M4 a* T( \+ A: l9 Q# i) |( O2 a
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere* R; m, Z; F1 N& \3 {" C' O4 l. @
That live in my heart.
; C7 S( z. z$ j- pDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
. r( Z. @. g: J/ jEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
1 g  F) y# Z( P7 }" i4 u  Xmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.0 t. k! H* M& H; [5 B/ Q% e
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land7 h6 h) }+ {8 I* E' q9 [/ Z
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
; M! ?7 I8 p. A2 h' {/ X+ \& ADo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
% k0 ]8 E& M2 K6 `* b! T- \! s& Jespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.4 n# T; Q+ {% P* H3 s  d5 H/ ~
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
: b% I% @# v( e. v8 Tonly waiting for you quietly
+ [* K  m* A9 U( tjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.) T( d; v; I/ X  ^# S! R6 U
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you " r8 E7 }! X. a3 P( w" C$ C; [
and enjoy the rain washing together
; n# |/ g; u: g3 Y% d% @, S  {- c9 Gor rush to a film8 T1 z; h" d1 _9 H3 W
or listen to a music quietly.
+ E. ?& ~9 Y5 n6 k- TWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?% S$ F8 C  G+ o: m& \: p* m
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,  K* @( t7 Y: A2 W" i
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
; r6 I+ o4 E* HThat is enough.- U! _5 V- o# e! Z( \
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
% u, ~0 }' q( Z6 J$ |8 i7 gfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
) p& K6 m" z( ~  G  U$ zthe same as my missing.
7 u' g9 C- A5 d) E; ]It comes a little bit of verdure.; X: s; l8 d, S3 h, A3 N# }2 F
If, If some day I can touch your hand, 7 N4 E$ _' L7 [' H
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
2 R* t& U4 i4 f7 p0 |Let you touch me gently and read me carefully." |. q& z) l7 w. i# H
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
: d: p: b# n; t4 ^At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,' q- m: X  O6 _3 S0 Z- c6 V
then I will have all care and ardor.2 ~. k* X# B& B2 h: D
Shall we walk arm in arm?/ C. I; ~& M$ q9 |% u! L& c
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
/ O) U- [4 ]- B+ ~% v+ W, T2 h& @& s+ ]Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.( o5 V  }0 R4 j
I am still the same person of yesterday.9 d: v5 P, m6 z1 k
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
3 i: ?. P& @+ L& V& P& ~Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
' E; ]3 b: J# r6 V7 {7 S6 tLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.1 a3 K6 ~+ @! a- |; K- W
More or less,1 F% }6 d8 k7 ]! \1 Y
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.) j' E( h  H$ M+ \% s

$ ?+ y; _6 y% k2 j3 [% D' rSummer easily slips away
) x. M0 l" Y) v: R8 mThose long lost hot nights0 v- O) y$ R  h
can only be found in the old days.
1 Q0 i2 T. E. d8 t- @6 {) S, X0 l. f" ~" t( [
Cats jumping over the window sills, . p4 T5 f* r0 H& d9 ^' ^
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . e$ R: \$ F+ W! Z& J0 r
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
4 E, W9 t3 X5 \" i: h5 pLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around./ {4 Z' `4 L2 p$ z8 j; I8 X
I am still the same person of yesterday.
6 x" m# K5 A  ]Unchanged name, unchange ...

0 }$ f( z3 J& j" @. ^7 ~0 o3 N
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
& ^' n8 s7 M+ zGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
1 }' a/ a/ j4 N& i( d+ hLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
8 S2 U! K/ U% Z1 ~I am still the same person of yesterday.
. U) w, B9 P8 o6 v$ {( k1 TUnchanged name, unchange ...

4 S- `3 P- X. t. l1 E  G0 Pi like it.
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