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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
: I# Q! G. |: D2 b9 W& \2 O+ Z,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
$ I5 `' q* `5 @. Z2 j零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . + {1 _0 Z- q2 {' @7 M+ _
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
. K. c( ^) S: I5 }9 ?梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
) S+ K6 O! d# [) r6 f眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
+ S, o5 f/ |/ V. g) V夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.$ A" A3 a8 B- Y4 D& n$ M
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.2 ^  ^+ K9 T2 @9 `( G4 H
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.( {) L1 z7 ?6 R, z2 g% _
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及& n; R+ S8 i4 X& q, \/ j
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
- g" B% n. ]/ K世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream., D) B, ]. B% O& \
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.9 Y. e. ^5 H1 V! y% `% a
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.( u% X' Y& M1 l* P
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
% K% w6 T, j1 e) `5 i寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?% D, f) ?; z" S6 ^5 g
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
6 c' ~0 w6 }& {7 Y9 N迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
2 R; I) z6 V( s, q! n最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
" r5 [# ^. J; i! u8 ^( O4 C  k多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
# j) O! X; g+ ~Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
4 A3 S2 a4 }8 E% r多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
( }, x# K- E9 ]  b不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.: T8 {! k( Z* _" `& ~
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
8 d+ A- s5 P- }) o: r: J3 M为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
! S7 z! o' b9 w多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
# g( Y+ f/ f6 g3 J& h永难平息的泪
# J# Q3 g, n3 r  r5 q8 v每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes  P0 Y) n; I$ T% P: X* O
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.7 I' Q2 E9 K' T6 J3 j" P0 I; \* E+ k" F
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.: R" i% D& D$ X/ Z7 {. M
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,1 K" h# Y; r- C
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul   U6 y/ W3 A! W) m, `, P# ^
一抹微笑;
& `" X5 s5 q1 c8 G一个手势;8 e- d" |' m' H% R/ j
一片话语,+ s3 P, n% C! J  z; k
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
2 Z9 O! p- o* P) O# {" b/ `  B明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner0 A) l# A7 a2 X& T- M
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
7 g1 E, k7 \6 o# H7 e# a3 O这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling3 H) {* B, I8 u8 k
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
* C' H, {( Q8 W+ v+ J& y$ J起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,% T& F+ M% @; c, e5 A3 i
我并不以为然。
; G4 x1 p8 X0 q3 Y3 d可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
6 N/ o, o7 ~2 N; j1 @慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
. A* c( p5 I: M0 T- y' ?" Z被一种情绪所左右,
$ g+ r* L1 C+ h1 k( f7 x' F总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
) J' C- L# r3 `$ W2 e" z即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you$ q6 i: p$ P6 ~
也不问我是否喜欢你,1 D$ P# g5 E7 E: f( u/ }- _
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.: V+ A* Z" A6 O5 I
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
: A/ Z+ t% s$ o; b. Z3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you5 u* S+ r, d6 |' ?5 E4 x" R
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
8 ~2 @' a! _" f& J* t3 i: J然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
! c6 w' U- ~% s  R8 }你的身影已化成一种氛围,
$ F6 B  ^- r2 \* k* g. J7 ^记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
' e# P/ {- x' E' s, N你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
6 W; `& \4 [- i2 w. J随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
$ C  H! R6 Q7 C! P3 ^. H哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
# @4 ]7 G% J1 F8 o3 v) \8 [一种声音,and your voice% S: H4 }9 @; b& V  U
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling./ z( N. w1 @' E9 I  i; W
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
) M8 {4 S2 N, K0 C# f+ y8 Z与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land5 Q/ \; l* K. R, }4 a* l& Q
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
  n9 [9 j. g7 ?6 }: _倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
* D6 g9 i# e* n1 z纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。: }$ J" Q# d3 O% e
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
  b: j4 @: o- N2 I( b* z有一个能够让思念的人,0 F  h2 D' l+ V; s: r, c/ p$ `
其实也是一种幸福。
6 r" F" B8 }" G- \- e尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
* ?, S* v5 f+ Q1 y# n9 c  l* q) T柔柔的海风,4 m  A7 |9 s0 Q+ U$ [# h
甜甜的夏天。7 R0 a' C1 H3 A2 M; k9 V% M4 n8 d
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy & {$ o9 ^, b7 N9 D% r
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
& p) y$ d3 K7 h6 C% x仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.9 m3 d! @' Z6 l5 V" l
想和你有共同的情结,
; @2 d# ?0 G* t共同的心愿。
$ X# t& Y% i9 ?, Z' ?; i% O. l# b- U3 |  r  r4 F; {- \
& t' r4 A1 {" N/ r! l, {
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
6 T, j. W, I+ p) m! S一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
4 R) J9 w9 q- R* v( Q或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ' B8 I4 [! z  i# \# }, }* Y& |7 n
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
& |( n- H7 ~% k4 B) S『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
3 O% N, Y, P* s6 C! W: ?+ u+ W) |我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
" m0 `) a* L$ y- v9 j0 e0 X5 ^浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
. g& ?8 T. Y/ I; a9 q6 }0 X或是轻轻的一吻,
2 r5 f/ z9 g( j  @再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』9 L. v+ i$ t& k# g: _4 K* v7 f  u
就足够了. That is enough.
  [4 V  r; E/ F6 m3 k, B9 L这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
; C6 K0 H0 x- j( y% J终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
! P! {* Z* E: t5 p9 {0 p萌出了芽,4 _9 D6 o; K# M! x8 K" W2 C) L" R. m
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing- f* w- A5 c( u/ i
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure., l7 S# Y- w6 t' W
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand( F+ `3 k/ k3 P# t
能够牵著你的手,# z5 l: K' j: u' n3 d
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.% R& h% P% Y) W5 V. [% z
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
: l) z( q* a! w2 k0 b$ J- h慢慢地细读,* B" G6 s7 Z8 ~8 b6 N! N5 a7 Y. H
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 1 M$ c$ e5 o7 N8 [9 Z& S- h% A
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me - O3 x8 ^7 k1 K& x- E0 [8 Z
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
; E/ r4 Y- s( F4 S就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
0 z2 x+ c" d1 h: _2 E8 Y现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
3 m/ D- C9 z$ Y( J眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.2 G+ x! r5 y. I( W8 L; G
change to:lacked8 j/ S; N9 C8 ]% C2 J' I; h+ n
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
8 o1 t& S3 ~4 f1 r* C) VCats often played at the whole hot night.% c* s8 B3 Y6 M8 j+ L
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
- w. ^. @/ E1 f! [9 E" W改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.7 z! G! X" o( ~; M6 E5 `; R2 b/ P
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
3 ~+ G: r+ q: A3 c该为:throughyour hands.5 M* s; N/ V5 j0 I' ~) I8 B
还没检查完,下一次再改.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
- C. v3 u$ {5 P0 j$ r7 P$ j不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。2 Z5 H1 O4 ]# \7 S- ?) w
至少比我强。$ _5 f) ~2 l" `' N& n, B9 t6 r
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
& O) T. F* X  s2 P, R7 J% N! n' C: q5 T5 b
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。* E  v6 |0 t9 t2 v0 T  r8 B
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.9 J: Y/ F- k% ~) @& \
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.' o8 |8 p# n% @1 i- h' Q7 B% z: b
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:  x5 B+ Y- h/ C7 H3 T7 f3 m6 A
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.0 q1 I+ u7 q/ T# E! Z2 v& ?
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
5 p/ w' z7 N$ q" M Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name." B; ]) E$ y; m% J
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.; R5 P; V" R" L! n# Y
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
0 K6 Q7 L! Q, S2 ~Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:% w* A3 N. f4 v
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
' p# S/ f4 o) F! ]8 Y+ j" `: D5 z: Glike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.7 {1 |, X  n1 l$ m5 f4 K, H
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.. r+ }0 Z$ b/ W
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
0 ]$ I$ C% t1 v" u) Y( }2 c% OThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
% @* A: V/ |' zI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
: ?0 T1 e5 H3 c8 u8 F9 J9 OI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.  C/ k5 y. P+ T8 l
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?* Q2 P* B4 i3 `
Intoxicated then feel cold,
5 O% k+ K2 K! _. b) mthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.# x# \) ^+ Z( {/ K, l' I
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
) S2 G3 F4 n8 p& n! ]5 U! U1 jThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?  Z2 y+ q3 S/ Y/ L7 D; f' r2 f
Why I am always hoodwinked!( n- v+ t( N6 ~
I have told myself many times cautiously , b' v( C% l9 @- [: i- {9 C
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.: j% [' t) {8 G' V4 |
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
: u" d' T" O  r' TWhy can`t I take it easy?9 X! P5 Q0 A, d1 i  O
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!, c1 r; ?7 \% r6 D' q
When the quiet night comes/ X& J4 _4 a9 s3 V1 W
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
! r0 S: D2 n$ W5 o% s9 T: N$ F) aThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
. a" }3 c. [) H) N5 EYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
. Y8 ~5 }2 \) llight the dark corner in my mind.# a' q: R, A1 s9 w0 @! Q5 U
I feel a bit of cozy.
( J' z, D- C: z8 yThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
" Q3 D* g4 C# P- F. |maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.6 S5 v- k, d2 B- X
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,* m  m) Q9 h; \0 B
but accompanying with the time passed( t  \3 F- L) U  Q
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,, `. K, n6 R4 n6 Z
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly., H' K! j3 C- _
Without asking if you like me or if I like you$ M, z  n9 J5 f8 C! ?
only feel gracious for your existing,
; j, \+ L1 v, t$ s- nonlt want to do something for you.& W2 i9 Z+ M5 ~- B/ G& E+ r
Every time when you meet me
+ W0 K! R: x# c% ethe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,2 F3 P0 ~: U" c1 \7 y: l
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
1 l2 x+ I6 L4 p! D4 ~That live in my heart.
! [9 V9 Z2 J' _Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?' Y  U# i( L$ J& R- U1 {% E
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
. W# K3 n4 G9 `6 F9 I# Xmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
- k* ?8 g0 |/ n) J/ ?3 H& WThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land' S0 q  S. I8 q
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.# e- o  x- f$ ?/ N
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
; @8 [5 W& \! a0 despecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.* e4 R8 y) B/ {1 \- D
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy   s1 t: ~, W9 U" z- M/ O9 a0 r
only waiting for you quietly! h; m! E3 L- L' l
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
8 m7 ~4 `/ C7 S9 B( WI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
- o: Q5 P3 U) band enjoy the rain washing together/ \" ~7 a# L6 ~3 C
or rush to a film4 a- i4 `, ~7 L9 y8 e0 M
or listen to a music quietly.+ {  K7 q5 W% o7 z- i" u$ s
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?! M- a0 r# C1 g4 e  r' ^3 G- L! A
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
# g* r- _8 Q: D2 V3 B# k: ~5 ysmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
4 h8 ?9 v0 L- A% O+ f3 S8 xThat is enough.( Q% }4 A) [/ w7 s
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
7 w; Q2 F8 K' |: k, U7 d9 o' \( Lfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,/ Z4 ]1 e9 q) D5 D/ \$ ?9 P: t9 {
the same as my missing.; l7 N5 a9 i- l% _
It comes a little bit of verdure.
# {  F( L) o0 t" pIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
! D2 b1 X0 B( E) G# |' C6 r( Lthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.0 a, C8 ~& U+ u6 u
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully." r# Z- t4 Y7 G
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
+ U1 p) c2 P; fAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
' A; l; ?( f+ U5 Y6 L. i( b. y) othen I will have all care and ardor.
6 G5 P' ^9 k- ?- X/ H+ AShall we walk arm in arm?8 E' P+ ?0 P1 {$ F& e5 ]5 N) I
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.  F- A# ]5 _( m# s& \* r
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- u1 ?. S; X3 K: JI am still the same person of yesterday." q1 `; i6 [$ u, X
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
! Z" q3 f" m- I) f3 D" SSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
  C/ e+ a) E, C5 kLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.& n5 F0 ]0 m9 J! m
More or less,. u  t! M7 p$ e/ R. X' }
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.9 K" w8 ?3 x7 W/ R
6 x( Y+ [' Z2 _
Summer easily slips away7 ?) \* C4 V, ]. y  F
Those long lost hot nights7 u" P* L9 k% e/ C( M* `
can only be found in the old days. : Q# w! n, z! v2 C- V

3 u; e3 \+ z2 S/ {( w& K/ P- JCats jumping over the window sills, % r4 c" w* p+ D& [  f
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
" w; r" X! E' o! z. A2 _+ t+ bGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.. j2 w4 b' V* B. A" `8 j0 r
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.9 K7 p6 M- ^8 |8 p9 A, I1 B
I am still the same person of yesterday.
2 U2 o) ]3 v# ^& a" KUnchanged name, unchange ...
* R: H" a2 ~. Z/ Y3 P
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . Q+ Q  Q, y9 w- N+ f0 N- @
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
3 X5 I. a  F/ b- c& l% g4 U7 ILeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
1 w' g& O( j, }1 V, J; z7 II am still the same person of yesterday.
6 K7 v! n+ {" s# _Unchanged name, unchange ...

! x% q. r5 @- {  s' {9 li like it.
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