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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
* Z2 T+ O7 I+ U: A0 {,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
. k" c1 l7 h& {- ~" N/ ?' i零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
! D+ n8 b# m2 v现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.- I; b9 @& B5 q# k8 d, |
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
' v+ K' A# {, }/ H- l眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.+ I& I0 R) f; ]# b6 H: L- B
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.1 l$ Q( E9 P& i! P
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.. w0 m, t% i. z) P! k" Y2 F/ k
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
# E* r. X4 |; j) C; L我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及9 ?' S8 P% ?0 \4 a
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。/ b9 k% B7 d- |8 C4 j  }5 I- M
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
% O; q; d3 k3 F8 n! y, i昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
5 [2 z  l, z/ V想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.6 o! X, ^% Q# C% h( s: y: [
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. / v) t& E- m0 m- z5 d6 i
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?6 U! e# _+ {0 W% [" h' @
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.  ?; I9 V3 o% _5 T# G* k
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.9 z. n/ \  \3 ?/ o0 s
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
2 P" s- O, T( i: l9 N. q多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
/ A& k: J8 I' K5 j' OWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….9 i6 C! V8 x( v1 P4 o. q
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
9 D6 {3 z* l; J不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.& d. S, X4 f4 ?$ k) W; ^
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
  \6 @1 r; J: o8 Z% y1 o为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?, b1 d/ o# |$ V- l/ `$ M
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
& k, G  i8 ^6 d' a/ ]永难平息的泪+ N  m: [) O( m2 ?# W* K
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes4 J# c6 f' U" Y& D
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.$ w" \: Y" k0 ?* ^! H6 N
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
2 t8 a* L) ?9 m/ p2 R让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,( m3 Q1 Q2 g5 t# o4 z
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
/ s! H$ O# ]/ p5 {! L1 K一抹微笑;
; L/ s' h, W* z9 e: P! M4 L7 s一个手势;: M3 K/ ^5 X' j4 s7 h
一片话语,
. ~+ Y: ?3 g" P3 o愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
$ t+ I" o' g, ]3 z9 T, [: Q/ `- H明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
3 V6 f. y& W  N3 d0 Z心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
/ ]3 P$ ]8 t1 W- |" |这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
$ C9 O% A4 q: ~. ~! Z" Q, A也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
" L( A1 p* B0 E起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,% H6 y8 g8 H6 v% D+ t
我并不以为然。7 l4 L% R! x/ k
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
* G4 D& _5 T* F慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
& p, `! W& q6 Z/ o9 f% ]- c被一种情绪所左右,9 k8 y7 \( Y1 y% @: a; _5 w
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
# a7 G  ^* ~! W- B. F即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
% G, K; ?; D9 X* W( u也不问我是否喜欢你,
: Y, y3 w' J5 a4 Z' h* Z对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
, F4 n& F" K- O. D2 }/ L% V只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
6 T4 d8 q" s" V. U3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
# v1 C, O% |3 ?# J. R( C, r' A5 U心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
: r' i. {/ S+ B0 S. r5 m- u然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
- x0 M& z- N2 ~3 x1 j6 g你的身影已化成一种氛围,5 ?2 j! R/ F$ U' i( Y& V# K9 n! B
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.3 Y4 U4 }5 Q# I$ K6 D% v5 Y
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 2 ?' b) N6 v% B
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
3 e* Q+ d; o8 Z3 ]哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
5 x; Z- M4 B/ F% c一种声音,and your voice
; n! w; t& z6 \0 a也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
' W( O; O+ d0 Z0 h4 C掺杂著幸福的感觉。
/ b0 s7 _2 O! s: B& Y$ ?5 c与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land6 S3 }4 ^3 m/ ?) C, ~4 N' \* t2 _
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
% ], e* T5 ?( j+ G% P倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
: h5 T7 |) s# }纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。# ]. X5 b/ h, F* j; F3 K) i
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
4 F  L$ U: Z! }- Y有一个能够让思念的人,
6 h/ s( C2 a/ T! \# E. J8 S其实也是一种幸福。$ R# \+ ?" _5 x7 y' W3 J
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
" j' I* k. D8 Q柔柔的海风,; a! n# ?5 x2 R! r/ O
甜甜的夏天。# ?9 j4 f- J4 |8 A3 S$ \
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy & t7 w7 y- c3 }7 o
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
( B" Q6 r" a  ~1 q2 ~" m仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
- [, x/ [0 T. V. q想和你有共同的情结,- p7 ]" k& n- n5 i! d
共同的心愿。
  `: Z: X9 ]9 F7 C, I8 m3 Y3 D+ H5 Y! N5 q2 M
" C/ k; }+ w" B- z1 d3 {5 z$ G
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
/ M" K6 \5 t/ n- z: Q) L一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together, i% T& M7 W! _- `
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
- C4 p- m. S0 z' L+ D, c8 F或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
+ h) g: o' E* r% @7 p『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
; T2 F3 K' y, e$ U我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 4 K* |& {: H* y: m# u( P% }3 W, K
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”5 i! d; Q4 W" k. n/ J$ v' N# }6 e
或是轻轻的一吻,
' t6 O' z6 e1 J# N* N! N& f再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
- {  z, ]$ r5 W* U0 U就足够了. That is enough.4 B4 z$ r9 [: V. ?2 |
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ' A  t2 m2 w1 J- k9 n
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.! b9 w0 S3 N; j1 O- C' w- x
萌出了芽," e3 U9 b2 c3 G7 F& H8 L9 i
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
5 B0 E$ `' i: @4 h, \9 X! \" B$ b浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
9 q  L4 R0 c7 m% m如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand$ s' X$ B( c# W  B* g2 ?8 i
能够牵著你的手,
- M( z9 P+ N+ h那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
* F) `( j8 ^0 T7 u( v2 ^让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. - _% Y2 b7 }3 C! n
慢慢地细读,
: N9 v* z8 U- n5 |) n0 }我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
4 f8 T4 y+ H% P( H3 N. E6 B/ ^+ d在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
! i9 N5 t2 {1 d$ q, h我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ( c: w! N7 U( F2 q! o
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
8 L: W' V, p9 h: s; Y& G现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago6 {+ z3 ]+ q  q$ v/ [/ Z  V0 X1 \3 \
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.: B0 \9 W+ D3 u- f0 l( J0 m
change to:lacked; Z& t) K& ^/ r! J7 E% R
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
. }) ~* |2 f7 OCats often played at the whole hot night.
1 W$ B8 m, [: V 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
6 h/ h' x8 n3 G& B- @改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.  M* l# g% j# p8 Q$ X
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 0 [. x  `  o( K/ Q# g# H
该为:throughyour hands.& P2 t5 U% e! m, w! z
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
; I1 r7 |* E# k不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。) o# }7 D/ \! m
至少比我强。' E$ G" y& Y/ z$ f, o
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
7 M5 H, |) F) @6 Q8 z5 T. q+ P: T' k6 u0 G4 `2 J6 }( |. x
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
" f! [3 ^, h' e: u/ t* h( |后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.- f8 _8 Z2 J; B5 b
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
3 Z+ x, o6 \( x) e9 N前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
* {) Z, B5 @& c/ c3 |, xEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry./ L: g- X  ~0 g$ U0 c/ E' Z
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running., m2 l' Y4 b6 m  G) O
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
; R/ m- u9 B+ m9 }# k* }The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
0 x; o3 A$ }9 x9 h( D# w3 b% YSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
) o6 t/ A5 z# P$ z- HSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:. l+ S+ C$ ~2 T
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 3 X# |& Z6 h# j7 p1 W7 ]; n* l# ~
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.. s, s  N) H& J7 P' k( b- N
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.2 E& z! u. k1 }/ n
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
2 J8 J9 S1 o& Z9 }! U4 hThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
3 {; T6 L$ `- [& e9 HI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
/ Q/ W: L; U- A/ Y) E) \I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild., Z1 E. J9 @( w- O
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?' B  }+ M% n0 ]$ L9 V3 R' ^
Intoxicated then feel cold,
9 e/ r. _2 _. C3 @* t. M. ]the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.9 {9 @1 }" B( e2 g' M
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
. I# s. C6 u$ Y% \# NThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
8 u: a. p2 `# @8 |3 H) |3 HWhy I am always hoodwinked!# ~3 k. e8 @2 ]8 R$ l; w$ g2 f% m
I have told myself many times cautiously : B& J* Y1 T$ S3 v
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
3 v$ ^& }2 T5 U/ T" lThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
6 d: }% x# E; wWhy can`t I take it easy?
" J2 C: g1 }9 A; ]% q5 lHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!% i/ B% q+ U8 B7 Z
When the quiet night comes
/ o: ]5 j) ?$ S1 t' W: V) n5 {your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.3 w; ~; F/ J; g5 y
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.+ b. J# X$ G. w+ o7 a( l
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,+ x# V1 s+ S/ n/ u
light the dark corner in my mind., q- d7 C1 @+ X& V% R
I feel a bit of cozy.! I$ G1 k8 {# g% x5 b
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
/ {, B/ i# p, z( imaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
( p2 g' o" F, m7 n- c) r' i# P5 HI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,) r2 d/ |( \+ T' l
but accompanying with the time passed; y; Q& O& p3 Q/ q" g0 P2 q2 [1 `2 |
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
. D5 A4 G0 _4 Y/ t- M. j; _always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.. v6 q! k3 o# S+ b0 X# A  ~2 U
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
% M' V) f9 V" `only feel gracious for your existing,8 P  w; G( g! ~
onlt want to do something for you.) i7 P9 S  w* F* [; J6 M' u, ]
Every time when you meet me
& M! h& R2 T- S/ u$ P1 a; Z4 qthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,( N" h7 @1 R; M% y+ b4 i
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere3 _% S3 ?4 i/ o  g# w
That live in my heart.3 _, ]+ f8 Q9 ~) f/ [) F: `
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?$ o1 g/ Z) H6 s) ]( F2 p
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
: B' C. {% ]2 s: P& s+ cmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.' ~4 f' d0 z0 I, H7 L9 P" [7 a6 |
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land/ I# A8 E5 Z+ U- g  Z
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
; g* _$ s/ m. T) m& t8 s/ D5 UDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
$ M; o# ~6 ?. n5 L7 hespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
) @. p0 @/ A; J1 v1 q+ xSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy - J/ T# V7 H) F# B' l
only waiting for you quietly
1 m+ Y, n7 B5 o" x  P- fjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.# [6 _! l' @* ^7 g- V* M4 H
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you 3 W; T0 d9 \6 {; O0 I: D
and enjoy the rain washing together% o" Y4 r+ m7 D' a" D
or rush to a film
4 k  t" k# J& @  I- M1 x2 Nor listen to a music quietly.! v+ ?6 A$ U) o; h$ q" J
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?5 Z, b3 {0 Z5 Q( {
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,# n8 C: ]& y& N
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".8 h. X" H; C& k% ?# ~4 t2 p
That is enough.
3 {; m4 y3 w+ r- r9 e0 E/ lMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,6 B1 e3 Y" H. F3 n
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
: f' h, j) \/ o$ Kthe same as my missing.9 q% D2 O; u' D: i5 p. Y( h
It comes a little bit of verdure.2 g7 j$ ^* K( M: G5 D  @
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
9 J+ M) K, m. p$ @5 \& S" qthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
* t5 ~( D$ `. V) C$ iLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
# T- X- A/ S/ p- e, t9 N- M9 n& g- lI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
; v1 f$ O8 Y2 O  q: W9 ~, u8 r5 q  kAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
: H) X6 R" g+ w: R7 wthen I will have all care and ardor.
( a) a! }$ O/ h7 s% Z, F; fShall we walk arm in arm?  n; B. ^* `; v1 z! H! Z5 X# g! Y
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.; }4 l% J- v- [# E& h: V0 D
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.3 d% r# z# i9 F
I am still the same person of yesterday.
$ ~' P1 F; q) VUnchanged name, unchanged I.
) b5 _5 `0 w+ ]* H" Y6 ISame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 1 e5 j1 m4 \* [3 m# _' y
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
, a, [8 j6 t. V' ^% O0 o1 }More or less,1 C3 B$ e+ I, o; O" d
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.: G1 U8 [1 E4 U4 ]
1 s6 S, [# U3 F3 X! J' i
Summer easily slips away( X* N- h  {. k8 f
Those long lost hot nights
+ l" {/ B7 \) x! U  r can only be found in the old days.
! m( m( |# }. O+ l1 C9 X
5 ^% ]* `( U$ B- [Cats jumping over the window sills, ) V- F7 D: K2 C
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 0 ^+ }3 }. a$ w" ]
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ R  _" b( E1 z2 |9 X, h# `- `
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& u# g2 }  R% q, W) x; I; x! e1 EI am still the same person of yesterday.2 P: Y7 A0 T9 n( X
Unchanged name, unchange ...
7 G  ~! ?$ s7 @/ l0 c) ~3 j
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 # R+ v  f' h, l+ D6 j
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
9 X/ i: j  u6 E7 n: Q! a( z) t! yLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.! k! T+ ~) G' `
I am still the same person of yesterday.
0 ~2 ^$ x8 K8 Z$ HUnchanged name, unchange ...
: t2 S6 e% W) ^& J& w5 R  u
i like it.
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