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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
7 K# G+ W2 F" E,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
8 w! Q3 u! ^: S0 F2 z9 t零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . ) W" x  f1 Z1 D4 C) _
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
9 t1 t% P$ d7 g) L: @& m5 `梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
# E! R/ V* x% w4 m眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something./ ^; a2 h9 O* S) P
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
& d/ n0 v+ I1 O. Z5 e1 `猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
$ P$ O: L  P) E; w/ h- s) H' p4 d就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.7 Z) i) Q4 M* j- u
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
2 ]* q# ]% L3 N% p) ?那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
5 w: b7 x! W( B: }/ P/ H2 v# t世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.7 G$ {) Y% S: t6 V/ W0 G3 H/ ~
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
$ Z% D  m4 t7 `6 {想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
# S  o6 N1 s4 a" F最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
8 T0 Q) A+ t- f. c0 h) Y寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?/ q- b; z- q& m8 K6 L9 ?4 h  |
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.; y6 L* h% g: {2 b( U
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
  r# ], |) q6 x! R6 Z2 d: W最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have." b6 H$ d" c. u4 `$ i- Z5 W
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?" {* I* e, U+ _: ?6 L
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
$ [- F& @. \) ], I8 K* W多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously0 G9 F( R5 ~) K* R/ w
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
% F/ I/ k$ ?6 c% u1 H0 u, b& h7 n多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
9 I% j) @' f! _* x为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
& h- |# |( h  [. w6 j" M多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
& v1 K) c# U9 ]0 B" [永难平息的泪7 r5 A: q; W. G& T% h
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes2 e: Y( P1 x+ t+ V
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
& p7 _* e! o+ F( u% W/ s( j. Y当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
8 Q& }4 B4 B! c* T9 w1 }7 h4 Z9 c让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
3 u) p. k) C! C, T8 ~你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
0 d, C' R0 o- K" l, R9 d3 x, e一抹微笑;
+ `1 u" _; g+ q, Z% L1 z/ r一个手势;) J. X- E7 A. d  Q* j4 o
一片话语,
( v0 b* t) x7 C! h5 ?8 s3 s愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
3 k  r1 i7 s% u: ?/ n明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
# U4 |; x$ w2 @! Q% P) Z4 [( l心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
) m% P) n9 p# E5 R; w: y9 W2 s- {  U这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
0 Z+ Z9 R% T  k/ Z4 w$ O" Q! z也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..$ e4 J" K' c& d  T! P' k& y: k
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
3 l2 T5 ?/ g" P4 ~/ V# M) ]我并不以为然。! }$ ^" n7 }' I+ l. B* P
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed . [5 h! N; D4 B6 f
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .. v6 K4 P! D' h8 Y
被一种情绪所左右,& V: o) Q4 f! J, ?2 ]7 r
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .) |; d  q0 E4 E7 k
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
4 T7 d, r1 j7 i2 m! O6 H也不问我是否喜欢你,% N0 ]6 {7 H8 ^. E" c
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
; B" |1 g. v& i5 f& Q  _只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you9 i% V* y" y( F4 K# l- N
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you% v) g3 |3 c  o) |
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil( h3 {8 W% G. S5 m) Z; q, y$ q
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere * t; ]. X5 j7 d3 c8 ?- C# x) ]
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
" g2 Q% P2 u0 m# u3 q7 {记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.$ K: K% g: P5 x
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
6 X, c4 J8 q* G% i1 O1 [随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字" |; V& F; R$ t9 ?* V0 `( c
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
: Q; \# t+ ^2 G一种声音,and your voice
6 w7 r: O0 \  P+ b1 y  s也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
2 V- x; n. g4 p) P1 C. }9 p" [掺杂著幸福的感觉。0 M$ _2 g9 q1 @- o7 M
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land$ t. @2 o- t) u, L7 N
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
3 G8 F& U6 t, h; p4 G2 M* x倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
. e+ K3 ^" d4 ~纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。. ~# `! s# |0 T7 X
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss" ~) H9 F0 y% j5 M5 }* r
有一个能够让思念的人,: F$ T  e% B4 g! {
其实也是一种幸福。
5 G' `! C5 Z# N  G" P4 A尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 9 w9 `$ W: ]$ [; L& j& V
柔柔的海风,
  b' r+ _& X1 z4 }7 C甜甜的夏天。$ a" F7 x. r- Z4 r* S
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
) @4 H& `7 X. A5 J4 k只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
% C3 ?" ?$ S3 t0 X/ p/ l3 q仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
: R7 R& I6 d6 _+ W) {) i4 \; U7 {0 f想和你有共同的情结,- L, x9 H8 q" p* k
共同的心愿。
; Y, O% N; T4 x3 h* o/ Z. E' ~8 D5 s" p  W

5 \" B2 q! B3 |4 r. U! @好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you5 v* O: q" t& {: L( l
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together  Z( V3 S8 ?0 d, b
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 7 r- k; y0 \4 k6 C/ Q7 c
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
/ ?# _/ R# f5 R『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
. N! ~5 E  ?' T+ J我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 7 J  j* V' A* I+ j1 X
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
( t# C' B7 D8 i+ r或是轻轻的一吻,
- t. i! n  P7 k/ A1 m再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
- e' m& P. L6 r/ v3 R4 v3 }; F就足够了. That is enough.
6 ?7 F( O$ R, r2 S这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! " U- t3 H9 [8 u# E7 }- l' S
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
8 ~; q  `( ]. ?) D0 ?: t6 c5 s$ W$ X萌出了芽,
6 Y3 }! V- |0 i2 `+ ?9 z7 k$ S一如对你的思念,the same as my missing! a5 A' s# a- {$ Q
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.0 d: Y4 K- M5 l5 o
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
: W* l8 g- l9 S能够牵著你的手,
8 z: s  u( ?, M8 E那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.% `6 P8 P8 y; k
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. % B% }' y/ J  D& ]* N9 [
慢慢地细读,
! Q% d7 P" f& K( G4 }* @% t1 M我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 7 g* D. G$ p; r- c( M1 H
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
" s) k/ Z- B  ?- ?2 \我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
; K% R% W  e  v# a9 @- d$ D4 x就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:/ x  J( V, @% T: Q$ u
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago: v% K" X5 B& @9 r! d  ~
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
  T4 f' Y/ t; q; g/ ?& E8 Echange to:lacked
! S1 F4 x( Y+ I; u# K猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool." A) p8 x+ H& j
Cats often played at the whole hot night.9 Q4 j4 r, |' J# x
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及; \: G9 m! Q% g* `4 r1 J: F
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.: I, [" ^3 C; g* E
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. & T5 m. y: z. K' A; e- ^5 T$ S+ `
该为:throughyour hands.
' o/ ^3 f5 ]1 S( d4 R' P还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。6 _1 a) U3 U& x! b$ j# g" m& P
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。/ T5 g+ V; O# K& ^* Z
至少比我强。
8 }0 ], `9 l" l5 t偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 3 M: f0 H7 p. f) S. s) G
7 u5 s/ }+ [0 l  N) p4 q0 N
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
( S$ v/ o5 x$ ^& S4 }. G9 E5 K后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
( L  F7 j3 d& s! c1 ~0 O' l谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
5 T' t% t* T6 C2 j2 b8 M前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:; h& R5 m' R0 @7 [: a; U! b6 n. p0 p
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.5 F# D' h3 U6 z4 v6 M
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
0 D! _) y! E, i  H) L! D1 {7 E) H. A Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.$ Q6 p& P2 [! r, R$ l
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.2 A( g' I! d/ W) ^& s( f
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
" ^: h  l! m* r" v% a. ~Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:/ X7 e5 `" J' U. w
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool * b* E6 M4 w1 n8 P' D  u
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
; ]. _* g8 z7 s3 j' A4 DI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.* n+ \; b7 K% X' o
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.( ?+ c2 O3 O8 [5 }5 J
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.# L# {2 t' H$ M7 C5 K4 }
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.8 P: X7 o3 F' q6 b. U2 y( ^% J/ m4 l
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.1 o+ S7 F) l; ~. z
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?" V) q' `  v+ j* Q  U+ E5 o
Intoxicated then feel cold,9 u$ N! L! ^) g& p2 G! G
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction." w' f5 h8 A0 {7 I. O
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 T* w7 j4 l3 u7 l- a. u* y
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?3 t* p& I; G, W: ?
Why I am always hoodwinked!
5 Z$ `1 C# Y- r$ e0 Y4 J3 jI have told myself many times cautiously
- K" ]% ^7 z6 W& Qdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
% j. B6 ]3 P- Z; |  p, _The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
' ~" ]/ `; ^: ^, h% R! AWhy can`t I take it easy?
7 }. V4 L" }( W7 Z$ J- YHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
0 ~3 E+ x8 \( CWhen the quiet night comes
$ }3 J8 A' ~  `, \! [# tyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.) o* L& c1 U& T1 b+ q
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
: V: e0 W* w& {# _2 u: gYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,/ N# t# E0 N+ Q9 Q
light the dark corner in my mind.+ I8 U' D" Q# D0 h5 b) Q* a
I feel a bit of cozy.' f3 U5 w% V7 I, c/ v! Z5 w6 D  A
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
" F  m5 z% w* w" Y" ^! hmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
! s" q; w, L% T- u. [1 E3 Z4 GI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,8 ?+ G& m1 D3 O0 O" q% h
but accompanying with the time passed
: u4 [/ S* ^; b& C0 Z' O) R8 oI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
1 U; N6 V. `$ ?) O0 J7 r, H0 lalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.) Z$ l5 N/ \8 a; P0 O, V
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
) \9 H2 c+ z5 T8 x1 q. R9 Bonly feel gracious for your existing,
. `( T0 ^9 M7 h# o+ `8 ?! Xonlt want to do something for you.
2 B$ h2 _3 Z: UEvery time when you meet me$ P  V) q3 [' I  k8 u
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
8 m4 F9 \/ |6 a# Dbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
/ {; `3 l" P7 k0 DThat live in my heart.. P; v. M% a) U  n+ V" g- i  V+ V
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?, Z, G8 U7 m; g8 c
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
6 }2 t  x9 ]" E- j. f& b" d8 [  n) D' Kmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.3 H  P9 G" s2 n5 \: D
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land9 g" B  O# s$ j7 q
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.# M3 r9 ?, p. D: y. [6 U1 p; v' ~; N/ h
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
* C' M8 P! }; f2 G4 Vespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
, }7 H" Y, Z* j+ B4 Q' \) cSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy - k5 p; J$ o  {* \$ ?5 H
only waiting for you quietly
* G9 n, n# y0 A+ F7 X! ]just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
/ T0 O+ e# K6 X) jI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
( y* \* [0 P5 G" G1 cand enjoy the rain washing together/ l0 X* Q& r) n/ J. }% J) O6 L& t
or rush to a film4 U) g+ Z/ S4 K# K+ d) r" e
or listen to a music quietly.
1 C. s4 Y8 p/ _% aWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
3 ]8 X, `/ O6 d) x- b/ h8 ^& KIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,7 b+ L' N4 F2 b! q' W2 f" T+ z, O* m% u
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".8 Q  l! L- I( R% e3 l
That is enough.6 B8 S- }3 \) E* P0 _0 m# `% S
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,/ y* Z6 x# c# v- {
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
# [2 S4 \9 f" q+ p0 m" Ethe same as my missing.4 Q" [6 ^2 h4 w7 f& I- V8 \
It comes a little bit of verdure.8 @3 D# `) F6 ]8 T
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
* F+ u# w  k3 z$ Y: g( r2 Uthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.4 @: e& T- S! z# Y* U- Z
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
% v) L( W1 Q6 Q; ]3 Y, F0 @4 qI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
' K5 ]9 T) g, E; o2 l/ _/ ?5 gAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
; `+ w4 F' j$ Q( ^, k3 ethen I will have all care and ardor." J1 @6 G) p+ |
Shall we walk arm in arm?
! u  H& z0 p% }. J4 h& F# v4 {" q: m呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.8 J' @! D/ f. h( a3 X5 f# I
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
+ P) p% S1 O' f: ~I am still the same person of yesterday.
$ a9 M9 k, g9 H  l7 m' qUnchanged name, unchanged I.
; g9 f" M& A; c3 b* HSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
& r) e! z% P' M  O8 i, wLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.# r5 J/ v0 }3 X) {- a
More or less," |& C4 u5 O# o9 F: n; G! c. W5 V' _' i
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.: J1 g% m. w( [: {% I
3 }* d! P9 A+ j6 R9 J. D0 M5 N
Summer easily slips away3 o/ k# `( c1 H6 G
Those long lost hot nights
/ g+ E. R3 ?; Y0 M can only be found in the old days.
  y: M2 W; F. a9 Q0 |# q
( K9 P# [$ a4 H- q. y4 ]Cats jumping over the window sills,
5 ]4 }( ]0 c' G' |3 Vchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( {" b2 V* o: Q- L+ b% tGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
  L! _( o2 a2 k9 M) h1 p* |Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.3 |3 E; n) V! L
I am still the same person of yesterday.8 y2 _% [8 V( F+ H8 O
Unchanged name, unchange ...
: j6 {) ^# l5 |9 c
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
% e3 t) W6 j! X3 b$ {4 [# H' t# T( MGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.  Q) n+ `+ Y/ w) @9 i
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
2 c. o& h1 C7 {4 I$ K+ w2 RI am still the same person of yesterday./ a3 p' j9 ^/ |4 |
Unchanged name, unchange ...
8 {; E( X+ s( Z5 U% D  J
i like it.
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