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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,5 b# [! N" r9 l+ E4 G
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
) V  _& y1 G. L# m* z零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
+ H9 K+ N7 t( @+ l现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
+ @" d# D$ ^  g0 p梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.2 n- ]9 \6 j& D$ V2 b
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.! G) ~4 \  C: `) H1 Y( G6 n2 U
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.8 Z1 G5 c2 }* l4 P# M7 L+ L
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
7 e3 ?0 G; h* h就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.* H% c$ d# d9 j7 ^# h. O% o
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 U3 f0 `, n( |# ^1 o那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。) b# z% d6 ~  }
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
% K1 J3 N' {9 s0 `昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.! l9 k+ R6 }# c# s; a2 E3 ^
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.8 ?% W: u2 H" a1 F' [' \* E( W! E
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
8 |- [& j. B9 \3 Y8 c3 ^( Y7 V: k寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?0 s2 B2 f& r2 y& Q, z  k
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.+ G+ h% |/ k  _7 `2 f  C: _
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.* S4 r9 _3 `6 g0 h1 N$ T1 U
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.7 x" n- A; r) H9 @. D" R
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?9 w& Y, j; s; @7 F, ]2 y" k% B
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….9 q# b- w, k; f0 K
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
& F. T3 L0 k2 W  \& A4 ?8 O0 n不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.0 J* V4 K( b* E* {( A
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
( E& w& T6 H; q. M; ]; U7 }) j为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?* i- a$ I7 t; K6 |9 `
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
  N& K& e; Z8 k" x; f2 ^: S永难平息的泪) y5 y  Z1 f, S$ B3 @# P$ A
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes# H- M3 k0 U' H) E
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.$ E% t' f0 \! z6 f- n' u
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.7 u3 n: e! t3 @& }) _* @( I2 P0 @) g
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
/ i  `; O5 ^6 F* d. h5 ?你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
, s2 J. N; V) F3 z+ H* x' I* A: b) i一抹微笑;
) e% S; {  s4 W. S+ q+ b5 T一个手势;
2 o9 r. z  e+ k% O" [$ v一片话语,3 u1 |5 J6 N6 I, B
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
9 x( C$ f( r+ t8 |: z% s. W9 B- W明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
# D$ F% S, u9 R) i- Y4 x心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.8 R6 A  @. I7 }0 A
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling, }# n0 Z. [8 S5 M' l, D
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..: n9 P( T% b. z* i
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,  R& b4 O9 t0 [
我并不以为然。
  ~1 e. f1 q. j( B. X" E: m可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 0 {) f4 l  d  A; _4 v2 k2 i
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
; A, a) ?- j  n  e; B) j- g1 e8 S被一种情绪所左右,
$ X& B+ y0 R' O6 Q& l总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
) J8 F1 K: ], ^, r7 x# Q: x即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
( Z. J; s4 d/ M' J5 F/ D也不问我是否喜欢你,+ y/ \* H, c! Q, y
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.6 a; d  t7 g2 E% w
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you) ?9 O/ q/ m  [/ h: p: ^6 v
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
% L1 J" |$ f! Y! A/ G# {. N6 z心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil1 h# Z. Y5 T! y4 t6 l# d& T8 T
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 1 O7 v+ W  C8 h! V0 t( M/ O. p: b8 l
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
) M% p3 q* a" i- G$ z& b) E0 N7 c# p4 \记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
, i2 P0 H' N% P1 n1 G' S你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
, |3 r7 |4 c; c6 |随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
; A- s# W9 o! e6 B  ~0 \  Y哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,5 S4 t  n$ ?6 e9 |: ^6 K% _  E
一种声音,and your voice& Y# G) S0 N) z
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.) s. C' e9 [1 A7 s$ _% w
掺杂著幸福的感觉。3 ?7 V( M( ^3 T$ x, u
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land5 w- k. G3 e' }, D
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,5 ~& ]- o* S& }
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
7 e2 C8 ]" V. i' e3 t纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。) E$ S$ O3 V4 U7 c. p+ _
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
6 [2 ~1 ^7 w* l- c有一个能够让思念的人,0 u& L& N* I- J/ _9 G. H# Q
其实也是一种幸福。
, l# \5 K5 ?  N3 S9 c( b" R尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
) I# k1 X: r- S" J/ G- i' }柔柔的海风,
( M0 ?% Q& ^( j. `+ E6 m# l* @甜甜的夏天。7 a* l0 S+ `, N, ?1 F7 B
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
5 K5 v( K$ U! D# @5 ~- ^! l只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
+ L. }( h5 g6 {' `仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.. `7 A& u- Y7 p3 a9 T* L- }
想和你有共同的情结,
4 Z, U; h' w/ C共同的心愿。% Q2 k1 Q. y; P2 K

1 {& _' M$ ?9 q" L) P
5 u1 t% y: Z; x4 \好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 U! ?$ |: x" t& G% [5 |一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
9 b) c5 P4 G& B* ^或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
) I% T) w1 j  K5 B- w  b  a% z6 `. |& }或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
8 i; W4 j. t2 {- X6 y7 p$ X『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?8 u* l3 d, H3 B2 d! H: Y4 ~
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, % h' s, y- A$ P$ }- r4 V
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
/ }6 m  R+ Z% B, ~或是轻轻的一吻,6 X) H# T& }8 m1 ^5 I
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』4 K$ o, n/ t  T- E
就足够了. That is enough.
% b; X7 t' p- C这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
6 \9 U. j+ c& l+ T1 j终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.& [5 _( ?2 _. _
萌出了芽,+ b4 y$ I& `# B) y  e
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
: o# C# h2 g" E浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.+ r* y: \& F$ a2 H/ O# W$ v
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
" v# f/ z( [/ {, X* ?能够牵著你的手,7 Z9 b! q# ]1 \9 s6 y6 S
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
- R" [0 N9 z: e1 ^8 h让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
- i5 U* w) Q/ A9 x/ Y慢慢地细读,
6 e" y* X0 U3 J6 b我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. + A1 h  A% }* j4 j6 V& D# f
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
2 ~5 S( \3 W3 q9 j/ N8 T我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
& Q! g. r2 \6 f1 g& r就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:! u+ X; X! U; k
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
8 @: M" R4 g! \眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.4 L+ L/ {) J3 u# V3 s1 T* t; ^
change to:lacked
0 W1 W0 |. `, n- L猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.! V- w8 a/ |( F& ~+ D( }
Cats often played at the whole hot night.! Q  m% G8 L7 }2 z5 y6 q: {) Z
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及9 F$ o- m& K0 Q+ X4 W( ]" w* n
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
! M, N) E/ F0 Q3 hI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. + Y& h  M' S; D6 n
该为:throughyour hands./ z! \4 B' _, E& m
还没检查完,下一次再改.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。- G' P5 Z/ ?8 v" j
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。( V& K' p2 ^- Y7 |  q* X7 c
至少比我强。
: Q3 T$ h$ t/ d8 |" I: E: |偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 2 D/ h( y7 x% L# ]8 c3 w" ?

2 }) r" F5 C5 t3 z8 k这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
7 n& J; P$ \7 G% d9 f后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
2 o6 ^( T  a6 Q! O$ V谢谢三思的鲜花.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.+ c3 ]( u' ?5 ~, R+ e* p& n
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:9 `& K/ M7 m, r/ e
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
5 M% ~5 h5 r/ E4 S" u# G+ C$ MPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
6 ?( z# p6 }. g) q; Z; N4 F" J Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
* e) b! M1 [# v# r7 v" T" F4 {The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
8 S( |- ?/ {( x% c1 P/ v- q( QSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.; Y. ?; c, Q+ u7 `+ @- A% j
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:; ?2 [# m/ W+ t1 ~! q0 j1 E7 N
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
3 f8 y' {5 D, a# Tlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.) ^/ m& |6 U+ e
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
4 F! ~" N* {* v$ S8 VThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.8 M: d4 J1 r" z3 f
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.7 G( A. x: _9 S- j
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.0 K0 `1 ~, k) F2 S) ?
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.) R+ l2 q2 ~, _' {
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?- |6 w; f3 {' n% \- D& W
Intoxicated then feel cold,
& T. Y7 G* ]) m, `the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.% I; \1 L7 Y: g8 ?; A* a+ D
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
- ~4 v4 I: a* jThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
" Q; `7 |" j$ d  v. x) n, rWhy I am always hoodwinked!' O3 K6 @: b* W& \* R' w) T
I have told myself many times cautiously
. T! d% L4 |7 b9 jdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
$ Z7 {7 W5 O, [2 B0 f9 PThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
7 e7 I7 S9 B- QWhy can`t I take it easy?
6 H4 V/ H6 ?9 y5 A9 X1 h1 SHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!' k5 Q" u2 Q! u2 s+ g& c- [+ B6 ?
When the quiet night comes
4 a! u. V. ^3 G1 j- h+ R% uyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
. Y3 a5 L& `) I8 c! \The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
8 C" j* L0 s- N) _Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,+ M5 e( S' D: G( X
light the dark corner in my mind.
1 D7 f/ J. A- EI feel a bit of cozy.
; c% Q8 f& `- a  g& ]The deep attached to you in a twinkling( K! b! \" w  H, h3 t% C8 M' p4 X
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
% V  E- C! a  t) J% M+ wI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
8 t8 p( }; U! o( Dbut accompanying with the time passed  F! _4 W$ Y" C
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
7 ?1 V& x! Q8 N1 P+ _/ a8 ~$ Yalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
- b* p5 F$ V1 cWithout asking if you like me or if I like you: a9 Y% Z: C- c1 F. C
only feel gracious for your existing,. }3 |: ?, ]7 F# v' p) w
onlt want to do something for you.7 @* T, [9 p- E: g) G  Q9 T
Every time when you meet me
; R* K' X" t' qthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,0 u! O# G& z7 N- G. R
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
4 n% X: X% D& g6 W/ ~That live in my heart.& ]: a" M% j# X( [/ j
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?! a. R" h6 e  D/ J; [: X% t6 J
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
7 ^3 Z2 b5 h* `% ]7 d0 q4 ?& Pmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
$ V9 K. z- i' A* Q6 A1 \The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
7 L+ q4 F" j; `8 A8 W/ D# v1 Usuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.7 i) w1 o- K0 g- s- L4 c5 u3 _3 W
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
( v, I5 D8 v% n+ x, x5 V$ a6 Iespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
% Y+ B& A* V& z) b  g3 GSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
, H( k. K, V$ u+ Z+ a, U2 oonly waiting for you quietly# N  M' w" O  X: @% ~) ?
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
1 J  Z' l8 b0 L: l7 s* W, xI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
' j2 n( w+ v- ?  |! f% Qand enjoy the rain washing together# C  L; o5 y8 Q* q  O- I
or rush to a film
: R& _2 }' D; }5 O' F5 S' y6 Hor listen to a music quietly.1 t( o+ J4 R6 B+ W2 a
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?3 F" `' I  K% Q$ @. u! W9 x" ^
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,' w& R* a, i. z( B& v3 K" ]2 I
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".% X1 T+ A  N" S1 Q5 d
That is enough.
' k- T; o# L9 C  m" g. g1 F, [# wMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,7 N0 @2 x, D% w
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,& [" p/ j6 G- g9 m1 ]
the same as my missing.
' J5 }- r; V  y$ W! B- eIt comes a little bit of verdure.
7 U% i" ~/ ^; Q( P$ PIf, If some day I can touch your hand, 4 m2 U9 {2 m. {: b. l8 c
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.: C( u; G6 P: K0 F3 b
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.$ j3 d) d% G, D4 u( S6 h1 Z# g2 a
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.& k$ Y' Z* i0 T9 y2 u
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,5 l' o# n7 c, X7 ]% \* M
then I will have all care and ardor.3 M% N/ D6 i- p9 [' Q
Shall we walk arm in arm?! i# P6 A7 [+ Y& ]% ?
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.7 F9 Z- f  R2 C  c6 m# X4 E0 e
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. l2 m9 E3 S1 p  S6 ~* _! y5 v" uI am still the same person of yesterday.3 P* |! N& n: g* Q8 ~
Unchanged name, unchanged I.# q" _  ]; y, r0 a  y/ O. [
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 4 w# N4 o# b4 d7 J- M
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
, Y& B$ V& c9 H/ vMore or less,
* _# n* @9 Z7 l  Q5 C2 { a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
- N' ~. ^8 _" s
) K6 |# C4 l2 ^- b6 k) @2 oSummer easily slips away
8 X( l( ^" ^( l# M# \Those long lost hot nights
3 X2 F* q4 U- f0 _$ l, v9 J/ @ can only be found in the old days.
7 Z" u/ n! i! F& Y# W& r0 A8 r' f! O
* E+ |& w/ d, s- LCats jumping over the window sills, # b3 W- [; U$ F* }" q
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
) Y" y1 W9 d  g& y& ~Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.6 v* G; E. ], `6 F! v+ {1 }
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& q8 K+ H) W" V- v
I am still the same person of yesterday.' z. T/ U: G1 x* q: B$ G6 t
Unchanged name, unchange ...

& ^9 w) f' q2 W. A8 _& G) w
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
8 M& Z/ Z2 R9 D5 w/ N% tGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
) A5 y# F! O+ e8 }# A- V! N8 R- k: pLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.% P) g* u0 P3 }
I am still the same person of yesterday.* Y+ z, p. P! F9 \, y
Unchanged name, unchange ...

) P# B, B/ n% {4 N2 Ei like it.
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