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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
* h* Y+ o  v0 `& Y- R% L% i,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ) f7 g) x) }5 U8 |: K
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
/ B( m$ j* I. R9 Y% u现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.* m: R! j# P( `( h
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking." h; E) C( X* L8 f. e" B
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
) o- C! W' h& s/ u- n5 u7 C夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
! G/ S9 j6 F+ q4 u猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.! r" d2 E" B0 K2 H0 {/ {3 u& G
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
/ Q3 q3 F" o/ t! k( B7 c2 D' D& S我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 I, v; b$ N9 h8 q, Y; ^那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
5 B8 m  G; I9 b- g7 u6 l+ j7 w世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream." N8 v/ z; |- Y% K) [* _
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
( B2 J( C3 w& ^" ~! y想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
" K2 F' T/ x, k& o4 ~- [8 K  T6 v8 I* x最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
! n+ a1 Y; N8 {7 R寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
3 I4 z( l% t1 _( H醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.8 ^. F- }2 ?! ^8 I
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
! y+ \5 a+ r# F最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
6 i3 y% g7 H7 \5 D7 j多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?! i2 j0 s2 N* L, L" U+ _1 G& f3 F
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….. k' V6 m- J4 `$ A5 G+ U
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
/ i: T; i; d4 A4 R! K6 H0 y% f不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.7 x  T% ~" W& V9 z% k4 p" p
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 3 z# V) s2 a, p/ V. g. r  b& f
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
" {, W: G# Q) Q' A* c0 x多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!( P) n' O3 B4 D/ F+ W( i$ h
永难平息的泪
4 j; ?! E7 S9 |! V; K每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
9 t/ h& g( x' E8 y: i& S# g~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
0 y. r9 h/ E7 F. d. k; y  ]: \) m) c* l当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
) Z( @& e+ k% {( Y$ o: g6 q让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,6 l/ P% K6 r5 q: P' O, P
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
# L# K! p$ ]6 v- Q一抹微笑;" Z1 _) T; O% ?8 l
一个手势;
; n- M5 J$ n- X1 j一片话语,  a" i% d& N$ u& S) B1 h3 ]
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、* ^) d; Q& s  w& n" B
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner. b5 |, e# y/ J
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.9 j0 C6 {2 A7 D' R+ x- }$ u- M
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling5 V1 o3 w/ Y) S# y2 G& G8 o3 x! l
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..* e; m+ T/ u+ n! }7 v
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,5 Y( Z, t, u* j
我并不以为然。
- s& P# G/ R! _% c/ N4 ~- |可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed . w- c' l2 }( |% F8 N# d# w) N  D
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
# [( I: g3 f* p, t3 v被一种情绪所左右,
0 {8 a3 T) L* K总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .& B  z9 F( ~! d( _  V, P0 d7 |6 b
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you: c8 R: |% L. d" o; Q3 ^. g( a' A+ }
也不问我是否喜欢你,
3 R/ N8 c  [' u# m' T# j对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
# O3 @% q# b/ l# ]; X" v7 J只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you  t7 w! f/ W* y7 r( ]% a5 @% b# G. s
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
6 y  _$ ^* z  W( U2 y  z心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil  L) O# t: F7 U+ Y: g  H
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
6 E* z+ t! D) a, J5 I" [你的身影已化成一种氛围,
( V! I- N, [/ N' E记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.: T# ^7 e/ s, E% B% e1 n
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! : h) E( T1 A: j- u- R- N
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字. \7 O; \  `( a, G  d4 X% x) _& \
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,8 _, r$ s$ e4 g# _$ s& }: ?2 r
一种声音,and your voice$ ^) L) e$ U; c5 r2 ^
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.# d5 Y' E2 \7 q9 X) u' ^. l
掺杂著幸福的感觉。# F) I' o! t2 i( ]" b" x' i+ g
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land' v0 J0 h* j* P; B  T1 T; I! s' O
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
3 C* {6 S1 @1 V: c) e% y倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.. p, m& C$ t2 `* Z0 i& @
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。% J- b* X# {( i' f  y/ O* u: E2 A
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss& m! z1 x  i! E7 c( q# Q8 Q
有一个能够让思念的人,5 ?0 W, D6 I. Z, j
其实也是一种幸福。/ i, D; O6 L9 i
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
0 K% F- J$ \* b" H# B柔柔的海风,) ]4 R9 p3 n& N) {) K
甜甜的夏天。8 ?7 q8 N7 v# X1 I* e
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
& m& ?! b2 V, M1 E* F* [' K' ]只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.2 t. _' h! F2 K% c$ p7 L
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
4 i, i8 e; U" w  m8 c想和你有共同的情结,
, B. h+ m0 D/ l. G8 _( c5 Y4 a共同的心愿。
9 b# L" S' s! q. v/ ?6 H
) X, A$ W9 m3 R/ G3 r6 ~6 u8 N) L8 ^( x5 C+ b4 i7 [$ x5 C
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 w2 t5 [, o7 i% w0 Y/ v一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
- L1 l0 u& j: [+ H3 }或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film / h2 W) _% H6 M
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
) x) L9 z, |3 |『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
; X! d1 ?% q, M8 \# T5 ]% @我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
# S' b- W" k% }" C# C0 k: h浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”8 h6 b* G# s/ H+ y7 U2 ^
或是轻轻的一吻,8 B$ D4 p0 c! {5 V6 y
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』3 Z4 I( J  o+ V) ?
就足够了. That is enough.
! j; E& D# v) l0 }6 V5 \这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! . A/ q: E7 a2 @( i6 F8 d
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
) D; M% l2 Y% b! d' U萌出了芽,
5 y& ?8 d# e2 b: ~- i3 U& @一如对你的思念,the same as my missing1 y) w. f2 Z6 Y! O5 N
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
  ^  m; |; `. g5 _如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
8 l) r5 w  }/ o8 s+ M5 {能够牵著你的手,' N. w3 |# {* L7 f# o# N2 w
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.4 @/ _3 j# J" L" Z) A7 b
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
3 J' ?: z7 {4 v% m) D% j慢慢地细读,
1 i2 @+ n- Q3 W% c" o我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 5 C$ t  C7 B0 U% B- C
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
" j1 e4 j0 ?* i4 K我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
# C5 J+ Y$ r( Z, w2 h7 W/ }, x就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:: R* o6 J9 Z: x: T4 ^
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago6 _6 I3 E/ n: X- m! _1 c# L. V
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.3 g! y8 e& e( `) m. _- n, h/ [7 u
change to:lacked
9 I2 s. F" f6 e1 y猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
/ W' `+ m, H6 ~2 k6 o- Z9 S& CCats often played at the whole hot night.
6 C0 b# H1 ^8 v- m 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及& g% H! e2 n8 {
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.7 V4 U( r. u. O, a
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
' |  w8 ]0 p' X3 D8 n6 F0 {该为:throughyour hands.
2 {2 Y4 z+ k" Q  B还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
# E6 i' \+ n+ p. ], w, |) T不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。4 O" }' O/ p7 R8 v8 M9 v
至少比我强。! `& t# A' ~- v
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
3 x+ O1 V8 E4 e) H* H! |! s$ V: w
! j2 D$ }% ]  r这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
/ e, g- }% ^1 B' f$ ?1 f* \6 J1 ^后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
- b6 J, y* `4 `谢谢三思的鲜花.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.) @4 k$ Q4 \. d0 @  Y
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:0 h' d2 B4 K- M% a: B0 Y
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
  ?, x8 m3 D' Z1 Y( T5 }4 [2 \7 o' rPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.  f  z# c( n) ?& t  G3 W6 O  H& N
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.# f8 D2 X3 s( v9 V% A
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
, J# S3 Z: d( \  _Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.& v. I$ _! R- C0 w% M* H" t
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
! H$ E) X% n6 }( f9 HCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ) f3 {) V! k  I* c3 }
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
. s. \$ |( r3 Z- c" p( S/ MI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.  d5 E4 b) S! n. G2 J
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
! x( R# O' W* F* c' E/ C' FThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
9 u1 Q. i5 S, l2 B& ^I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
1 {9 l$ C" r' VI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.1 k. R1 A" G6 g7 A+ ^
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
8 _( z3 Q- u* l4 m: Y) d7 p+ |# n' V; gIntoxicated then feel cold,$ A1 {: D  `" K4 N. v  r% q- O+ g
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
+ u. l8 i) {3 w' W8 O; NI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have." W  F1 |. I6 e" J
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
; X$ o( N8 {, m% K9 O- [Why I am always hoodwinked!: z8 @! [* d; ~( G2 r% S
I have told myself many times cautiously 9 _' M# e% n2 T
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.7 `7 j6 w+ e8 y
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation." R7 D$ r2 q' o; C' R% a) t
Why can`t I take it easy?
4 ?0 y7 t* E- D/ K' Z7 V1 y, iHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!% B7 g% M' R0 @5 \6 Y0 q" x
When the quiet night comes
" M+ ?  M9 l. `/ }your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
% }" u+ H, u) OThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.% z- @* G# e- n; ]
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
1 q- g/ _0 p. k3 x" c7 plight the dark corner in my mind.$ Q( m% J" W+ Z
I feel a bit of cozy.
" h5 U- Q' j1 p: ZThe deep attached to you in a twinkling$ p* X7 X5 ~0 q
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
+ @# {4 e& M1 }I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,; N5 U/ w8 M4 d  q3 T! Z2 N! J
but accompanying with the time passed
! w3 U/ W+ V; o. N% G  `! G7 j- qI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
; H& Z  t( T5 H9 Yalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.  O, |$ B* o! u1 Y- m  p
Without asking if you like me or if I like you& [: B- [! U  |1 J& s. B' B5 D
only feel gracious for your existing,( U% I" z5 R, n" z; U. t
onlt want to do something for you.4 [+ q2 s$ \/ l# l& s
Every time when you meet me
/ _8 i0 t2 X2 \  h  [7 Q- s" othe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
! z" ~2 b" K3 }: }" D2 G5 jbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
- Z) b% o8 `6 d8 d  G- G% Y$ i2 mThat live in my heart.- O2 |) N3 T$ t; u8 E( h( k
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?% b: }. n# Y  q& s0 r# r
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
- _8 j- Q8 }9 Y: F$ o" nmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
+ ?4 Y) b0 ?0 r2 KThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land; |* i) r4 q0 G6 B! |
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.) _) J3 J8 U% R" d9 e* U0 }+ m
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
( E1 W: W, R7 U: n6 Xespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
! u6 Q0 `4 D/ M6 nSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
  y) h' Q. d* ]; o9 K+ [. p6 Z8 Konly waiting for you quietly9 v! P+ m! Q! `* u9 G+ w
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
' I' O' \5 M- C) V! |2 h, ]8 I4 NI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
0 y3 H# K" k2 uand enjoy the rain washing together
6 j& J/ C8 _: L# sor rush to a film# m: X- {# R2 y7 o7 {: i
or listen to a music quietly.4 Y6 p$ w4 \' A& T. V$ u0 l
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?% W8 N4 _5 H1 z7 }+ q
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
! `; S) e* q5 ^( @4 _2 |( {smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
) C3 K: M) X9 A$ f' m" D! f! lThat is enough.. o, w/ |: k4 z% `; [& M
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,8 Z6 X" w) x, d# S  b
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
" t! ]* q3 C! R$ Jthe same as my missing.
* g4 d9 r9 D& z: MIt comes a little bit of verdure.
- B. C( D, s( E* }* uIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
9 X2 }- s8 I' D, Xthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ g9 v7 e4 j% d2 NLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.3 d& [: r% X% E5 I/ c1 t& Q
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.: n6 @# ~  G$ t8 X* [) x- Q
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
$ U2 B5 `* T+ ?) _2 c; Ithen I will have all care and ardor.
+ F* x8 d! \6 i6 [$ jShall we walk arm in arm?
; O2 d% L! A: Q3 o呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.. i$ A1 M. v8 t0 n
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& A) W  N3 i  `" J8 s
I am still the same person of yesterday.
, e7 Z! N9 K. i) d7 G2 ~9 QUnchanged name, unchanged I.7 ~- v$ ?9 V1 Z
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. ( A6 b. n, X( x' B2 m+ H3 k6 N: S
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
5 X, Y( W- `* g; M* nMore or less,
/ D! a, d4 q3 w9 r; Q$ T( Q! e a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
4 }2 f) |0 `9 L- r# \+ u( G. h9 K# R- D' r. i; ~  f
Summer easily slips away
. D9 b, X5 i, Y+ d# X9 w* \7 UThose long lost hot nights
# b7 q+ \9 H6 [ can only be found in the old days. 3 f: q  A  h5 L( V8 |; l

- N: H" O$ J! ZCats jumping over the window sills,
& \5 F" t1 }7 X0 D8 y. s& gchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 " E0 [# H* W- X8 z% Y9 s
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
( H! v( `9 ~0 u8 k  q6 nLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.1 l6 S# L/ o, C3 T; K
I am still the same person of yesterday.0 G" I$ u3 ~6 t& J
Unchanged name, unchange ...

% g: Q& E, a  c0 N% B; N
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 7 L) f8 z  O- b: O8 Q3 ^/ m
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.3 @# I! P+ j. Z1 U7 a0 y
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
0 d- @$ s  {/ M- G, II am still the same person of yesterday.
2 G. }$ N6 J4 n7 V( D& x4 ]Unchanged name, unchange ...
  m! B: o0 y4 H" H) o( \
i like it.
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