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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
  j; [% l5 @/ X: B- k$ ^,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ; O8 p1 T- c0 M% `* s
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . " z+ N2 y0 I& I1 L8 K5 p
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
5 c6 B5 M* Z+ n0 e% L% f6 T梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.* F+ v+ n" m* ?6 j* x8 F/ ~+ }
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
  W% o! n+ c0 }3 d夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.  H/ k: K! t4 s
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
: I+ y5 F  U4 x6 e就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
$ i% k9 J2 B/ Z0 |8 o% W; _我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及( M4 T/ o* K' R1 D4 X0 U
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
: [9 [; X, Z- ?% `世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.8 ~+ K" I; `; \! k1 H' Q
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night." }# K0 c  i8 w- `/ |1 U
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.# U/ s/ t7 K2 @; t' u: L, O3 z+ f! A
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
* V! E2 W3 M7 L1 r1 t4 v3 [寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?/ I% S# d1 k: Z, e0 z" I
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.( P: c# j% [! v
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.4 ?+ C: V. \& N; ^$ z2 `3 h
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.- c, D# V5 f# {
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
+ @# x% \- d8 w' d1 D: x+ YWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….2 l/ s' {! J# ^
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously( ]7 [9 l8 {6 U( A* L
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.- l% R3 g3 n9 d2 w' ~2 z$ k7 U
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
" \# a1 w- H! s" Q为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?! h7 E4 R7 `1 `  R' n* h
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!' t8 f- @& I. R- h) m: J) m) A$ d
永难平息的泪2 w# d, S* C8 E+ \" y
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes* I5 T; f, U! ^0 j2 v) A
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
4 T  r5 i  M- c/ w, C' b" b0 B当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably." ^1 z7 g2 f8 Y# ~' z
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,: }. n* a: {8 x1 N* ]+ v6 U3 p; L
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul # ]6 l* _$ w) o# b7 Q. `
一抹微笑;2 _& b0 y7 K& J, n6 H
一个手势;8 B6 G2 p1 {3 K& `- o4 A
一片话语,0 }/ }9 D8 W4 t
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
+ F0 O" x! w/ u! q* j# o6 N明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner3 O6 i' }, C7 N
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
, K& j# W+ r9 J这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
' A: E2 n: V+ p! M* U  X! J也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
% Y& I  l+ q% `4 _7 ^% D起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,0 q3 H% ]7 O5 K
我并不以为然。8 _. R$ u2 N1 [# m
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
+ @$ |- Q9 ]+ g- Q' o2 ~慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .; V# U0 w9 J( h+ A
被一种情绪所左右,
7 K; q4 \' L4 v; p0 q总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
& e( q) ?* e9 @2 D( H即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
; P. p: S0 C5 D8 [7 g也不问我是否喜欢你,
. b0 L* \4 S7 `' n对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.; ]" ~% z$ L  `: W0 F1 |! O
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
* J# Q& L1 k1 P+ I1 `3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
3 {5 R3 A! R4 i8 Z心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
' e! q# ?3 A* W  ]6 z) s/ L然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere # J: K/ b4 b3 Y
你的身影已化成一种氛围,# I: j% Z  k# Q7 m6 W
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
9 m8 q+ H/ s+ @1 F1 }2 ^你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
8 P5 b0 ], {% x0 g随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
/ w$ T% y+ g5 _, s6 S8 ^4 W3 \哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
1 a# C9 B: v, Y4 m7 s* X4 @' r7 v6 y一种声音,and your voice! \- M5 J3 G$ x) n
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
3 K: B3 n6 H  O  T掺杂著幸福的感觉。
7 ^1 f# l0 q$ S- R  Q% _与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land8 r' Z7 \# n6 w4 x' J, E
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,% E; R+ t9 l0 L# t( [
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
/ a2 j2 s2 A& s) a: i纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
  W0 Z6 t& Q; P, Z; A你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss+ [* E) W# S* \
有一个能够让思念的人,( `, i: @7 Z$ h  m( U1 `
其实也是一种幸福。
* r% a9 n0 F' h& \% S. h尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 2 l' v3 G0 e8 C$ s0 g! Z
柔柔的海风,4 `' Z! _% J# P7 @# L
甜甜的夏天。3 G0 Q3 c" l8 [& I  k0 z
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy * y- v5 l: |2 i8 l8 _3 O6 |
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.) ^9 J2 Q( H5 B, }- s/ J, R0 G
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.  x8 J! Q& Z% p* ?- @
想和你有共同的情结,
) i$ @2 y% ?& {3 v6 g共同的心愿。
3 ?1 Y2 M+ d( b3 X- i  o( @! G. ?0 }+ s$ d4 M4 [

" a+ W& Y+ ?! b$ g: M) ~0 b2 _3 j# g好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
5 P2 s0 M* Z$ p! @& q/ j$ k一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together! Y& t0 B- g) `! y  Q) x& w
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
! a) \# u; P# T; G2 K; d  {( j或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly., ^% q9 L" b+ q* S  j" {  `
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?# ]0 c! r3 j6 u6 o
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 6 I2 |) q0 x2 G( }+ g- G5 r
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”8 r3 D/ o0 P# C9 |# h
或是轻轻的一吻,4 o) J, C" F& `
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』- D2 p) }. A9 f5 V3 r( ?; ?
就足够了. That is enough.
+ i" L6 l6 {$ Z! P5 \: U这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! $ {# w  b  D. t9 E
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
1 ^+ A5 E/ s; d% w, E# @萌出了芽,9 G0 c; Y8 ?- ^! K# B; p8 s
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
3 l! @" s  q! e6 e& J# G3 l浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
5 V! d7 ]5 \3 b# K4 m如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand4 S( {1 ~# @, _1 ]
能够牵著你的手,
& j  V, [, |6 }# w4 z那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.. W: X9 r! B. M  m0 G
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 9 X0 B; ^; l: F" Z- F1 G5 F0 k
慢慢地细读,) O. Z; N7 U7 @* s" a  P& g- P
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 1 ~0 d4 ?( [* n* F
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ) I/ E6 p6 V6 x# |1 d5 a6 t9 ^
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor $ l- f  H! Q& e- a* G4 n* `7 V" o
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
% Z8 E! C2 a' \/ T现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
4 _1 W' `/ j; Q9 B! T眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.% R& v! |  p. ]0 W* V
change to:lacked3 v7 L" d1 C' d1 k3 x" e9 |
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.% C5 B7 L' D9 i, [; T  S! D$ ^
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
9 d3 P% H' [* Z 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及5 e# Q0 G4 K' |" ~) U; R
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.3 V" m8 X: u* Y4 u
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ) }  u8 I* J7 R0 N5 a
该为:throughyour hands.
$ ~2 O+ o& y9 h5 h" E7 a6 U还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
' }# L' ?' E! K* q" e$ S2 [; ]不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
; V' T/ R; ^9 U+ E2 j至少比我强。
- J" a* q& F1 A! J7 z偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
+ X; J# t! I& V( {! |9 [
! _/ b+ @, @/ c: u! S, M这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
! ]3 ]+ ]7 W, W5 [3 \后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
, @; n* w4 @0 u谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.& E$ @! H  l) I9 @7 V1 }
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
; F/ v  {" D  \5 `/ @/ i5 L: KEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
+ ^( j* A$ I+ p; H$ `Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
4 m3 j' V3 Y+ \6 s Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
4 ]# @6 ^: N2 nThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.9 {5 _1 p; U$ \* R: q- V, U
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.  S+ C' z# o2 W9 B
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:3 q! T$ M6 v, t* _9 a* p
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 0 _5 d7 H! s6 \
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.# I/ C7 p/ M3 t: }2 W
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.! G9 [+ f( h- ^" x/ `
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
1 ^* s9 Z, I8 d  @7 |8 T7 fThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
: r* Z# n- K/ iI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.1 ?/ y- o/ j( ?' t$ ]
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.  ]% t) k8 g8 p" V  [
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?+ P" N$ t6 P. b, Z/ x7 X
Intoxicated then feel cold,, r! q! {$ V- m) u: `
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
: o, G9 W" X  YI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.' U& x; v* Z' q! r. O
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
* n2 a1 K8 l( \, EWhy I am always hoodwinked!
/ a5 D8 [7 }; t9 m8 g2 q# ^2 uI have told myself many times cautiously
4 W  B) k; M" i( ?0 N' y* Adon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.8 l: x7 C. d6 A+ y) i5 `% r) f
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
+ R+ u- \9 G) A. CWhy can`t I take it easy?% ~5 [' I- @* v$ D
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
/ l" }. u! `' [0 _: PWhen the quiet night comes
9 ^% b1 h* t/ H( Qyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.9 G' d' F- t. I( k
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
! u9 s) c% ~7 G/ M5 _Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
8 w: a" T6 _, Blight the dark corner in my mind.
; a5 e' m6 _' y. GI feel a bit of cozy.  ^/ I6 v8 X% c+ E8 t( T& X
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
0 T( H, `4 Q5 n! T. Ymaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
% ?, K& _1 D' u4 UI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
) }* q2 }3 [$ xbut accompanying with the time passed0 L$ L$ g" q! \3 [+ N
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
! q8 [7 K0 I  j- falways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly., ?0 f8 H: P) H, y) }
Without asking if you like me or if I like you# f6 E0 W8 z- B2 S9 Q
only feel gracious for your existing,
3 I: U8 I% K. A7 konlt want to do something for you.: Y3 o: [7 r# K
Every time when you meet me
" M5 {: o3 P# Gthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
, U9 M& p$ B+ y9 x4 W$ ~3 `but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere- \- T) G2 K1 U- c- }6 X
That live in my heart.
. R! n3 ?: H( n: C( w" }, {Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
* e2 D0 x9 u6 A* `1 D  cEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice( D3 I3 E6 ~& l( b8 V. g
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.' B7 g  }* |, [2 L
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land. d6 m: q+ N7 Y  a* P" a
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
- q8 j" k! \# TDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
% P$ ^1 H0 k4 F4 \! Kespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
6 G1 u) V- P' BSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 0 M0 s7 K. x! L: Y8 ?; g0 s: V
only waiting for you quietly
! b/ l% r, @) [3 Mjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
; ?4 l- ^% Z" u% jI really want to ramble in the small rain with you % o' Y' `9 a$ `# }1 o8 f) ^; W
and enjoy the rain washing together
% W$ t( S9 p8 _# Y8 }) ]0 gor rush to a film: Z" x7 s- J% d& r) }- {; C$ v
or listen to a music quietly.: A: h7 p7 h3 j) x' Z! L9 l% h
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
% k& U$ ^& k- M$ c  nIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,; N' i" ^% k, b+ \2 V: r
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
4 S! Y1 d+ H+ W8 XThat is enough.
8 z; Z  W. @% a( e; Z1 RMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
, ^+ Q0 p. c8 h7 Q2 \, F2 Ofinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
3 W- K' R1 z( k$ x, D0 D, sthe same as my missing.
& y$ R7 X( V4 UIt comes a little bit of verdure.
& p, m) t- m4 L* A$ q- E" w; _8 ?+ cIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
6 {9 }$ c6 l) I% zthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
8 j' |8 M* w8 ^# `/ v( T$ b+ gLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.: V; s$ z6 q, N
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
$ x" l' z5 G6 z" dAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
( [; |( S' h; `0 _( vthen I will have all care and ardor.
) e7 H2 u- X, `/ F  h0 N& JShall we walk arm in arm?
' a. U% J" @: }% H; [# y呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.3 i& O1 X$ r( }' g! z0 s- w% Z
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ ?+ ?+ U" I! X0 q
I am still the same person of yesterday., E, ]% i! {; y1 ^0 h
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
5 ^2 s9 C  O8 r% W9 WSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
+ r& o; }9 _" F$ o0 d) n; mLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.9 A/ g" ]; {/ c6 Z' D
More or less,0 @# D7 _4 r$ Q5 B9 ?
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.- l, Y% d: R! o9 c5 Y' Q

; I. C( B( o9 r: g; ISummer easily slips away
  {9 `1 {( f' M* C2 `; |0 v% lThose long lost hot nights/ n+ F  ^# Z* w+ \6 _8 ~- G
can only be found in the old days.
. O8 o6 c! W8 S3 O! V" x6 s# L/ o+ R6 M, R
Cats jumping over the window sills,
+ A2 j" m" K+ @2 ichasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 + H5 N5 b8 I5 j( h0 Y
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; B6 l! }  E3 `2 h# F. `6 l( B; ELeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.: z9 n7 T# r4 K! D# x
I am still the same person of yesterday." I* {% w" h; B
Unchanged name, unchange ...

. I% h# T4 C4 w/ ~5 U+ K# W1 N, O2 S3 r
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ' r# c0 O0 w) F& `& k
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.6 r! u; P! O# m! r- ^: L1 ]8 }9 J
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
7 m+ c* {9 q0 ~- r' j" `% y% |5 II am still the same person of yesterday.
. p2 w& |9 X2 u4 K" Q1 I5 xUnchanged name, unchange ...

  V9 f3 u: w8 Ci like it.
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