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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,8 w; J* b- S4 L$ S# t
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
/ b2 `. V" y% ]# T. g' P零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
( j: f) ~4 }" F- [现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.- B# o! Q+ M: ^# q/ Y9 u% i
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.4 Q/ A9 W7 r) d; K
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
2 g8 t" D" B7 L' p' z3 ]夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
& n- F/ C/ L' P猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.7 E9 o* j6 m; ^8 H  f: X9 O
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.6 y7 j% D/ X; |$ ~4 u
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及$ r# w: f, x3 W; ~: I; N
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
& @; ^3 W+ F: a% K) z' K世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
, p7 M6 r9 ^1 P% n2 f# f" ~昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.* ]) a4 _& V/ D  \
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.! ~0 @" W1 G. s7 y8 E4 @$ d
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 5 v4 L" G8 ~2 V2 C4 i2 v6 G" E7 d0 D
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
7 k3 c; N# e# A. Z7 n9 V0 M! Y醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.3 p5 o: L7 u$ s  Z
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
+ ]& h; `: |: n' e4 j1 n最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
5 }- f5 U% v4 i. q; M- {/ I多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
9 F$ B. o1 m( R2 F7 {' x2 s0 Q/ n% BWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
( X! r( i0 C4 @! W7 }) g% K( g6 u多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously( A1 P. u4 n2 T8 W  T
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.7 k! e# a* L9 {& {: C' V
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
7 `: ?2 ~# m: x9 p+ G' v* E为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?7 ^% V2 X  f; i
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
" j, V) w; v1 W! _) t- G+ ]3 T永难平息的泪& M8 e& Y8 H3 ]
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes- i( U$ j, Y5 Y# z' y' X
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
8 D( U6 @! ~. L9 v3 a* C当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
; P! h% a  [  h) k3 C( Z* z8 N/ f: c- T让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
2 T( F; q; {! N8 J9 v5 ?& `9 ^你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
1 x/ H4 G  L9 p: {; p一抹微笑;  Q: f! }, D% r  Q) }1 p* o2 u* R  `
一个手势;, s1 H( v5 n) b% c  L4 S
一片话语,& x' q2 O+ P( i3 T0 N
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、- }4 X. _. g  a/ d1 y
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner  i0 m8 u, Y' W  g5 x
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
. G1 @4 F6 M% M: t2 D; z* W) Y0 o这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
5 b% G- C/ N3 y: M$ L也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..9 I9 E2 [7 }5 }* ~0 N2 T7 e
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
7 f! }: a' S+ X" J+ O& M9 o9 G我并不以为然。
6 X/ W6 K/ o) \- ~可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
# c% O$ r& `4 ]# `7 e慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .6 n9 b/ w5 g0 x+ ?% I
被一种情绪所左右,
- z  _/ ]$ J. W+ g! B0 o" x4 k3 L总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
) c* K7 j: ?( O2 ?5 G, N即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
% W. t- D. `' b也不问我是否喜欢你,* r* X: y9 u* {2 h/ R
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.( I4 q8 K2 M: F6 g' ~: _
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
/ j  K7 z8 j' a( [3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you- |: n4 \- O5 h
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil+ D; x) ~$ E" _$ [3 S9 d
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere : W4 K/ k/ o/ H9 B: l8 }
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
- U' @6 r$ R3 n1 N$ e记在我的心间。That lives in my heart., ?) r* n; ^5 y  P3 S
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! . a/ g) f8 j3 X$ M9 u6 o
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字5 u: V9 F5 D1 q* H1 I: M. W2 I
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,% Y) o/ z; G; @2 i" O" ~/ w& {
一种声音,and your voice7 w8 ~: Q5 r- M8 C: _% t' E1 o
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
: @0 t5 N9 r5 d  u, e掺杂著幸福的感觉。- Z/ M; e* D  g  q6 W  R4 G* B4 L
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land4 f$ B$ Y) _& h" b
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
$ N* Z/ |3 C9 m; ~3 t$ Y- A倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.5 Q7 s" X' v, `
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。% w3 \& @: ~. p
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss+ Z( a  n8 E% E
有一个能够让思念的人,8 }9 M" B# B$ _1 R$ e, t$ O$ C
其实也是一种幸福。
1 s; ?7 L( `5 b; J. w2 x6 \尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
: ?$ Z5 J/ d2 }# z7 a8 ^& W柔柔的海风,0 ]3 i% W. w, m& E8 E& \7 x6 {
甜甜的夏天。$ y3 z( K3 F5 J. c) }
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" a* F( w* j( ~4 r. W, h只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
6 `! I+ n2 |  J. F' b2 w/ [仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.! ?; z; [1 B2 f8 |$ V% G
想和你有共同的情结,9 Q: z) S! L" v1 L4 x
共同的心愿。2 N( X2 Y1 L$ W6 b7 }

: Y; g+ Q2 C0 m' ?4 e; X% l2 Y8 o6 ^8 r- Y% R
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
& j7 k4 @3 k( Q: q0 G( {! @一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together0 A4 v, l5 v6 s7 r7 n
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film " L  W' R. I2 E
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
  a6 H) H+ |# M& `4 @8 L; }" O『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?' q/ X4 ~/ E. }; P% L3 D
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, ! |" ^' _, Y- ~; l: G- ~$ K
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
0 N6 ~: E, Q$ W4 t$ ~8 _, ^或是轻轻的一吻,7 J; O/ E+ V- K/ Q' d. c5 P- O
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』3 o' ?, p2 t# G
就足够了. That is enough.' ~0 t% Q8 V1 u' L( A0 v1 ~
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! $ d) [5 u& H9 ]
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.8 I* w  c8 d% C& z, A
萌出了芽,
" [0 h. S5 \: q' w: s; f一如对你的思念,the same as my missing6 S) W( [# C0 t
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
3 D& b& U; {3 {: Y5 K% h* g1 v, L如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
, ?1 Q& ?" z! L. V能够牵著你的手,) p% Q, J  |- I) A5 Q4 m, b
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.. a( a2 ~7 V" k) C; j% E
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. - ]9 i3 a) G; d. V
慢慢地细读,3 i( [, r/ k7 y1 m0 d) K
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
: j! R! k0 E  P; I6 f+ C在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ! O- c5 O2 m# h7 D1 \* D2 ]2 l3 K# h
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
! l' Y0 o# J' u, ~; s3 H就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:5 N2 o  {) }: U2 s/ b5 Z6 R
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago3 r* P: j" W. C
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.4 x$ n3 ]5 _  e& t+ B5 W
change to:lacked2 G2 d9 c; m9 k
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.. o9 c! a6 c) D8 o8 a3 B6 Z
Cats often played at the whole hot night.; m8 |! q1 n) `
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及' V& e, J" G( l% V( ]% M
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer., O1 c2 Q' n% J' y3 o, M
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
( e9 u5 q  _- b0 c, n该为:throughyour hands.: {# J6 T( O" Y! ]3 `
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
! v3 w" X' j, e不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。  D2 l7 a  R+ X% r
至少比我强。
' M2 ^/ v7 u' u偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
2 e8 K  p6 t. B/ d
' ?7 n( b' r  i" {, j这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
8 _4 \2 [; l1 D* x$ P( |后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.3 g. p# }- |7 r' F4 q* x
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
6 g! X3 K) P" L4 |. }1 B" @  G( a1 M前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
7 M. j9 r" V7 Q7 y/ |* R6 eEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.$ r+ \* t: l7 A$ K% S& \
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.7 o2 M: b( C3 I: T
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
6 ^( }6 M! d2 c8 w+ UThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
; c, s4 F  S- N- ?: ^/ o9 d8 CSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.* ?+ }5 Y1 c/ X8 }
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:  w' E& r2 G0 f# c9 I9 d
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
  c0 W, s; b# h" {% {# [, }8 Glike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
& A3 H3 N5 M9 p/ [3 LI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.# R; m# y! Q' F2 r/ F
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
6 {" O7 U- h7 w* ~1 D' v) m5 aThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
) d# s0 o2 Z( x( @I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.4 Y4 C7 ~* C  w
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
6 v  `  y0 {) Y8 oIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
2 F7 Q# V' ~; j+ TIntoxicated then feel cold,
" Y' O" C, w' T% L! V1 o! i8 k8 tthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
0 E3 W- y+ i  j7 n8 ]3 PI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.! g" g. ]- T+ i; O: M  Y
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
; F2 m' M# m$ K$ `/ ~Why I am always hoodwinked!5 n  ]' v0 N' m" r* P" B, Q; t
I have told myself many times cautiously
6 R# \  D$ ?) m7 l( X4 L; H4 Z( Cdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.0 U* k$ h. g8 l( [7 u0 \% M
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.* B3 K4 i% I* ~
Why can`t I take it easy?
5 \0 y. M3 F/ rHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
8 ~% G" |; }, A6 @' `4 W5 ]3 |When the quiet night comes- Y% l7 g, P6 Y
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.% m) e0 x' N) l$ x
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
8 p5 B+ R% C3 v2 [Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,  v) h2 c5 Z7 |% ~0 H+ |+ M. {
light the dark corner in my mind.
4 g% @! q" E9 a+ |! W/ ?( s( W7 RI feel a bit of cozy.$ v4 h4 P$ K0 U
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
2 R' r  B& W8 d$ ?7 P2 R  C/ ?# D( Vmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.8 \0 c  j" M9 F
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
3 I% H$ V9 S& e$ c; wbut accompanying with the time passed
, L% c5 Q% p( @( _I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,2 @/ a2 B- p+ m+ [
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.' T/ K$ e: v5 X- o- S
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
! i* @5 O$ M4 Honly feel gracious for your existing,
- o, f. r, n* aonlt want to do something for you.  j! V- y8 E# `5 H0 {" r2 i
Every time when you meet me+ W# o+ X/ w7 t. ~4 c, @
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,! W0 X2 V7 @$ h; m, C7 \! |+ _
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere+ P/ b* f( E$ {, T1 i, }; S
That live in my heart.# r: d4 a6 D0 H" H+ j  V3 F
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?4 }9 q& i- B* t
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice" F6 N) T9 I+ S
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
. N/ X  B0 i6 ]& _The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
- \9 F) [' F2 c3 e3 fsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
) F2 c6 {  e0 ~$ w: Y+ VDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,4 T4 V/ `: D0 z+ g9 k8 u. g
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.  K6 m* x7 p/ @7 p/ W
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
/ S! I4 v1 Z+ F# Z" |  b2 bonly waiting for you quietly
0 G/ E& w2 m4 f- e% cjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
/ H& W' ~; d: B/ f" O! j  v* x/ CI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
, `! w8 w5 n6 {% }$ R% B( Yand enjoy the rain washing together
/ N$ `' B4 w7 q& y: Q: xor rush to a film
! T) u/ g" W9 Y! ^* Z* Ior listen to a music quietly.7 A7 `2 O1 P$ k9 u
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
6 V4 M' y$ ?- e: h6 j5 h! EIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,; ^5 ?# {# S$ @8 P0 v/ O
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
! t  ~7 P  B# X, M# @( M, l1 ^That is enough.
" E9 w8 C7 z( M" J* }2 F: ?Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,  }+ ~' P5 o* B6 x1 L0 a* K( D$ s
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
  Z" \7 R& I# N. Xthe same as my missing.
& @4 `* p# K. ?4 e, S' |$ {- `It comes a little bit of verdure.
. g' V# X  S1 C* u0 J0 A( t! F! DIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
# {' `" f/ O1 ~. `then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely." B# S- A8 c5 O" T+ l
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
  @- P4 {6 Q9 f" NI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
4 J% G& J9 `5 }4 J! YAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
( w. q1 w( z, e( D3 N9 A+ Mthen I will have all care and ardor., Z- H' r8 Y# Y! c
Shall we walk arm in arm?
& M; O( z9 x, P, u+ U" V呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% ]4 o$ U5 W3 u- `: D9 bLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
  q# p. m0 t! l9 ?9 U, LI am still the same person of yesterday.
# \" s9 Q2 {9 NUnchanged name, unchanged I.
" D7 x7 D2 `' R' K, q6 eSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
6 x( x: @7 j* e6 NLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
, w% Z9 @* @( N9 iMore or less,
! F! x8 U9 T- l: c1 a a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
7 x. w5 [8 p7 W. [& V6 }3 l/ y" A9 b* N' D# n
Summer easily slips away
3 l' F2 a" l4 m* [! L  J+ qThose long lost hot nights6 w# b' c6 k, A. {: Z8 T0 ~) t( y# l
can only be found in the old days.
+ K" G1 ?" w* U9 ^3 ]. F9 O( a" l- |( ~8 h
Cats jumping over the window sills,
/ e+ }6 s7 K+ `) f2 u5 [chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 9 z) X- a9 e; q7 u3 b0 H8 U
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.2 a7 e3 {3 H* A
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
; N9 M+ {8 S; G9 ?I am still the same person of yesterday.
$ R& k  e5 \5 N, Y! f  nUnchanged name, unchange ...
# v- W3 v, V# z9 f
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
5 J! R( z% w4 R( ^8 D  KGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; Z; R% E; V8 I. u5 sLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 V: x( Q3 A! v& p
I am still the same person of yesterday.
' f2 y/ k! g# I0 `" p! Z8 X9 UUnchanged name, unchange ...

* Q7 V/ C; t/ K+ I8 V1 a; ri like it.
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