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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
- U3 p4 o  [  D( d1 A,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
' V* }" X" |! k0 R2 J1 E) Y零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . ( F! C4 D% u4 E( ]2 ?1 I
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.- F, ~0 n9 z7 i
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.. T; M# N$ B( r8 c# l1 D
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something., i% G# e/ V& y0 V, R: l, Y
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.: ]& |5 ~1 @' f% j# k; \; j7 e
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
# |" n: C+ ]3 s; Z! L* {8 g" e$ N就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.- E4 M' `- u: C3 U2 D
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及$ \/ |9 d. K  B& m. Q' c
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。* V6 n/ e$ r4 n
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.: _1 A- {1 w, }+ Z
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
0 ?, @/ d* ]! W6 L4 {5 u2 T# P想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
, W  S* ~  l8 E+ e6 Z最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ( g9 y0 `7 ?8 v1 Z; {7 `
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?! b( p+ @: y0 {$ t
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.1 X0 J% Y  X1 X0 s2 n$ v
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
) h# j& D/ i, W1 F最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.7 m! H# Q3 f- w8 {7 _, P$ v" ~8 d
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
: y! H) h6 m, g5 |) A/ hWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….% ]+ d& H) }; v! X* S
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously/ @* ?6 ?. M1 s& Z+ Q' |7 R6 X
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
6 N8 K! _; g2 r" y) K& D* }. o多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
7 V; @; y4 H+ t为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?) m8 ?. |/ k! m9 l" N
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!! r8 z: Q1 `& X6 }+ F* S, K% }
永难平息的泪
% m5 T  C2 e4 B( {# @' N( {! I" {  `每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes! i8 c# _) p7 j. r7 L, ~; W" b
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
6 h: `- a9 d6 _, }$ H1 @当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
0 b. v( a$ K( v# _! j3 @让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,' u) m* [$ w0 f
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
0 S5 P- }% a( W* [4 z) @一抹微笑;
' R/ M; I; I% T- K- \一个手势;6 N) t1 |  D1 u2 x$ _4 k" J# D+ P# o
一片话语,
) y5 s/ R8 L" k愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
! o6 ?) ~2 ^8 R6 l# N' A明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner* J2 N+ p: d8 X  {8 c" N
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
/ R1 h; {% Q7 b$ J这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling" E5 v0 P9 i: U% D0 O
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
8 u- [  z( l% M2 n8 j起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,9 b# b6 t7 f8 x: J; E8 I
我并不以为然。
6 O( ~6 {% ~9 @( G可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
1 D! S2 R1 H# x# s+ Y慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .  t: ]2 x$ F4 A1 w+ [6 C% _9 i
被一种情绪所左右,* F0 ~$ Z6 e8 P/ ?  S: {
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
) R2 o4 j1 h2 B" g4 z: T即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you( I7 z6 {  g' z) f0 a
也不问我是否喜欢你,- s5 E9 f8 E0 n0 _" J: D
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
( E: Z- ^( I- G* n只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
/ \; ^) U' y( k" b" |: v3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you8 y5 Q3 a! [: k  u
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil4 _" K0 R9 T6 a4 Q* p
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere : e; G( H! j. {7 T2 o4 r
你的身影已化成一种氛围,, J' c- C$ ^( t5 y5 x# y. Q
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
6 c6 ?) Y9 C2 v5 Y1 t' S# ~8 T" D你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 5 j+ S! I. n* W  g" r/ `. M' u
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字8 U  J  E1 T+ v4 b) b& ~
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,% `- ?: S- @6 I% e
一种声音,and your voice% ~0 {2 N' C: B9 l/ e7 ?& @1 v- u
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.8 P$ M' ~$ `! C; D6 m* g
掺杂著幸福的感觉。: X# v2 s- h; |+ t4 V6 C4 V. a! C
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
6 |3 I" k+ E$ C+ ?象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
! a+ F- t1 e+ g1 u( b! N倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ l6 v. p% z6 d/ Q' ?. N纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。3 P$ H/ ^0 v" C; p8 Y! v5 e" v
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
& @* M% Z5 b5 s" q. Y" @) J有一个能够让思念的人,; @' C( C1 b8 ^, e- C
其实也是一种幸福。2 g1 I# t  T: S' r8 v  W* z' h$ v
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ! Y7 @" A. h3 ^# p- ]/ @6 {
柔柔的海风,6 L8 B1 M  a# \
甜甜的夏天。. v2 Z$ g6 i3 i5 ~
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy * u$ _* C4 q- l1 Z. |5 w" T3 m
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.  }, G/ x4 g9 H6 w- }) |9 @' F; H
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.% q) ^" c0 k/ g% i1 z: f
想和你有共同的情结,
1 b, j( P* c; \$ P' Z& {共同的心愿。
8 G! D' P9 L* T4 a5 h* V+ N8 h, r- n6 m) o' U1 b" M8 g
5 Z# l. F7 s6 Q( z* L
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you. |5 t( ^! Y8 [; P+ b7 @4 _
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together/ j8 H4 c, M8 `& k2 I( A
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 9 ^, J% q# w6 f5 e
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.5 f" c& c( g7 Y, V1 d
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
4 g9 F9 r0 I5 \: G  q+ h我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, / p# S" }' ^: n* a3 q/ L
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”) O# t7 r: e# J- e
或是轻轻的一吻,
" G$ f2 H1 A+ ]9 j0 \再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』! X; n" z) M5 {; H7 T0 z& ^
就足够了. That is enough.
& P9 }1 Z& h* g0 T0 q这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
' l6 K4 W1 y. L5 ~, l) e% {9 b终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
, @, ^' B6 q0 U& ]* u2 l( R萌出了芽,
: b: d2 }/ F8 W/ i8 ~- n) s一如对你的思念,the same as my missing+ E3 }' S5 i* X3 r2 [
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.+ n1 ~3 Z/ k7 V& g) q
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
7 a- N9 K1 ^8 G, ^* c能够牵著你的手,! `# B& c% `/ b' h/ Z# e2 t: o
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
  Y1 _: T( f  \) o! A9 k1 G让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
& o( Y$ [( x) f( G  a( R慢慢地细读,
4 K# w( l# j5 |2 q我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
" b4 |) u% _: H5 L; |% y在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me " L" w) W$ _0 a0 Q  w" u8 J8 Q
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor / c; J! ~- [3 P8 G8 H  U, G
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:1 s& C" Q* R  F/ k& E& U% y
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago7 `/ }5 ?1 E; F! j0 O( J
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
  F4 a3 O5 w8 f9 R4 U& I2 ^! m+ ?change to:lacked
1 v0 @8 V6 D$ E# S$ Q猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
) S' G& f; I0 \/ |7 XCats often played at the whole hot night.8 @5 K5 T! n  b& a. U* l
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
+ d3 |% f& ^0 ?# N! [: J改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
. p6 N) y- ~3 `) P; g* JI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. / n$ K+ e& y- A# s8 F
该为:throughyour hands.4 t) m- _1 i9 s- {
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。1 P# I3 E& q  [9 G8 s; l9 _0 g+ g8 [
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。  y# y& w, O8 U& |+ }/ W# d& e
至少比我强。
# h8 D. B( Z6 T  p6 N( H偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 7 A$ _- Y, l) e8 r1 D& l
/ T% `1 B2 N% J4 \) M; ?& X
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
" H& j7 \- D1 S0 W后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
+ `. L7 F3 f6 |/ T$ p谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
7 o4 |( G: `" ~" F4 v8 B前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:2 t$ q$ N$ L% I/ U# w
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
0 o+ k6 ?% |, l: mPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
3 T4 M* ~5 X  B" K7 w4 D Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name." f" }6 F5 @8 G$ X4 x
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
* W8 d9 a! t$ }7 I- H: x: }; M6 sSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.3 |& W6 v! c2 P+ x+ [
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:$ C9 X( ]6 @3 J/ {
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
  ^3 C' g+ d# s' ^$ @like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
. u! n% F. B5 L3 QI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.6 |. y# \0 e" a0 G( r
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.9 Y" O) r, U; O$ e6 X; C; \6 K
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
9 q# L: a( g1 X$ G( p' w! `I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
& L! k! g; g6 ]8 NI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild./ }6 [  X: `9 V$ L0 P
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
) S: U+ A0 E: \* ^, ]5 \Intoxicated then feel cold,! k8 c' X8 [8 \$ |+ U2 l- m. \
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.3 g% v7 R9 ^1 q3 T8 O2 L
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.) A2 _1 L; _6 H  A3 a2 c
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
0 n3 g5 v5 ]. }# kWhy I am always hoodwinked!
, t4 w. V4 v; P+ rI have told myself many times cautiously ! G/ N( h, z1 g( n
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.! H) ?- X, n5 p0 }! Y1 R
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
% l% n, K9 W( t5 W9 d! Y' F: C( \Why can`t I take it easy?
6 v/ W+ u! x! b; p# {0 r0 v! hHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
0 [: r3 t3 L, yWhen the quiet night comes* C$ a; `) ~. M' m" I. l0 N
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.0 y- O1 b9 v) P( M- D) C
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
4 R% E% M  R. Z/ _; w  ]! ?' C( [Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,, d* n6 s4 ], Q
light the dark corner in my mind.
4 h& l' d; W: ^% AI feel a bit of cozy.
5 G9 M. Z$ \6 p3 b; d1 d. wThe deep attached to you in a twinkling! [, @+ _! y9 @- r( h
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
( y4 V% |: t0 o2 p# zI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,5 G/ i  [9 M7 e/ F8 j$ E0 _
but accompanying with the time passed( W, I5 S: T7 O2 w5 F
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,0 b2 t' q8 F. L2 {' G
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.5 I( s/ l7 A" f# m9 g9 w) t9 O
Without asking if you like me or if I like you. D5 F& D$ e% P4 j) W2 N$ J% }
only feel gracious for your existing,
8 a. Q" y7 x8 I4 V1 z3 Oonlt want to do something for you.
# t, K# m/ Y  m! H3 kEvery time when you meet me
  J4 Q8 O- b$ s1 P" X+ O7 }, V/ a8 Fthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,3 D# H: z6 x# q, a8 h( g
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere. N: ~# _3 o5 h& \- r% i
That live in my heart.6 w1 x& f; L$ a+ q
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
) A3 F) X  _% V( SEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice/ P6 f; g. O6 U0 Q/ Z
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
, X6 V+ G8 h9 f' R9 C+ _9 S' I# w( l+ r5 @The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land  f% i1 q  {! q& J% o$ \) ]
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you., ~9 {/ A0 t; {( y
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
* o4 K2 l& C7 D  F, Q, u' g8 U$ _especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
5 Z4 B- |" w$ ]5 `$ @Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy , m4 c& V7 R' g; O) W
only waiting for you quietly
7 l" Y) ^6 `/ J% Q+ a4 r8 Ijust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
6 u4 w# p& L6 k) _4 II really want to ramble in the small rain with you
% L8 J; k$ b' Z: Y0 vand enjoy the rain washing together3 o6 A6 P& N$ g  a+ v4 p4 _$ O/ n
or rush to a film
' E: x5 j% ^/ F8 f8 xor listen to a music quietly.
+ Q6 z1 n3 V1 X' @5 d+ aWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?4 \7 n. O! a! o. [4 {
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,7 w# W; t+ t$ t( y* R& _# U
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
) ~0 D+ d* Y0 @6 F% c. i3 w8 tThat is enough.
3 q1 {: C% x1 [5 A! Y5 e: DMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
* o2 e* ^$ f+ ^9 X; e- g. T4 jfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
6 W9 Z& Y9 V/ z" H* o$ Bthe same as my missing.
4 T/ M. \3 Y( J6 ^It comes a little bit of verdure.3 U6 L  ^% W, o2 @
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
3 u* V2 J) [* Z. i8 Y3 H# N1 ithen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.: \; |2 a" S! Z/ G
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
6 L# a- W5 y/ j- `# _+ \  E, rI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.  W" Y# |; W/ c! E2 u' {1 d! h) D
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,9 C7 T& I  _0 o5 q* e
then I will have all care and ardor.: e  n9 p! U8 \, G/ h
Shall we walk arm in arm?, P7 H  b- h. Y: M% S
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
3 H7 T/ ~3 [6 t/ P; a3 WLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- D5 w- |% y7 B0 G9 sI am still the same person of yesterday.
' t5 c3 o! ^/ kUnchanged name, unchanged I.0 q, n. c8 G1 J. N- D, K8 l! h
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
6 ?3 j5 ~' l) [4 g; xLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.$ z/ z! K, a$ A2 ^+ `
More or less,0 |* Q8 o5 M. m! K; P
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
; J0 q0 w$ z0 D8 w" x- L/ X' V5 l6 K. v3 i  `
Summer easily slips away; }1 I( D) T1 q4 w6 X% R
Those long lost hot nights  Y9 g: m1 ^! \) T. l0 W, C
can only be found in the old days.
# O7 k, x; K1 r  b
+ [7 Y  d. ]  O& c9 mCats jumping over the window sills,
2 N; [2 F: N' ], V/ L. d- j( J7 Tchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
+ n( n+ Z2 o* S# V# }9 ~+ iGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.: N& t) Z! q7 l3 T; Z" i5 l
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- Y' w  t$ k7 @7 I& s- {I am still the same person of yesterday.
' M* Q; i' V0 `0 sUnchanged name, unchange ...

! k" l" T& Z  o, m* M7 J% l
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表   [  D5 l) g9 ]# u
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.0 \( d1 l& k6 S" x
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around./ D# C8 T8 T! Q; O
I am still the same person of yesterday.4 l! }* ?, C+ [( Q( B$ H. [
Unchanged name, unchange ...
% p$ r7 q+ Z4 o
i like it.
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