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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
' A& s. z. ^& m& o3 c2 Z0 ^3 _,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
7 m  }: ]! ~! P% T( Y+ \零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . & c8 d9 d1 j' V" k/ {! [+ q$ _
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.; c1 ]' o# p3 `6 B
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.9 A+ `; g. y* [9 k: c
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.' {; P1 B) V6 a4 N; T+ O8 a0 v
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.: d0 N* ?- k4 k- D
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.. y. i+ X; u9 k. x8 e
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.- e6 M8 b& U5 `7 m; `! i8 e- \0 I9 [' C. ]6 J
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及; l9 J& j% f8 W
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
# a* r9 F& p* O0 p' Q+ y世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
, }# R7 D- m  A昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
) g. Y( f3 }) U. W' @想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
' q4 T7 q5 `0 J- h8 t6 g# a最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
' C0 b+ W2 ]6 p9 g  L9 K寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?6 u" I# L5 ~" l
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.( j3 J4 W8 T' n. \+ g* I$ r
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.+ v$ r7 t4 r! ~/ y  ^
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.# J0 G: u' r! n' G( r% B
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
) a! K  ^( E$ U" _7 g: JWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….! i  r2 g- {* @
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
- [. Q# b6 w% f! @7 u- _: x不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.7 h2 q9 p- x( j1 L' Q
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
' Z+ a6 V" n/ `为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
* y$ S5 T1 S) p, i" f/ ~2 k3 v' x8 R多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
7 w; Q1 p* I) E9 {永难平息的泪) d1 K5 M9 q2 I
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes& h0 p# V' w. z6 w' K7 k
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.9 ]' o, v+ y6 I1 a9 t
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
. _9 Q$ C  F- p( n3 S让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
. A6 o; C* `0 G& H3 |# n你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 6 z: O9 o$ P# z4 n4 ^$ S
一抹微笑;6 L2 Q! W2 b! w. W  Y
一个手势;8 B7 d9 A1 j7 v
一片话语,
8 v9 j+ O( H! k' V愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、+ h/ f. A! B$ b1 J% }
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
0 N# E  U) K! D5 b+ W心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
1 [+ {; C. b8 E* P  N' s  _( r这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
+ K# x) g2 W, c" \9 C+ x+ N也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
% o- U$ O2 o/ U8 O0 A: J起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,: o% U" f/ @1 y! R
我并不以为然。
7 w, I# [# q- Y3 m) `可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
$ h6 V) E' V* f' O慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .) I  L1 @* P/ {9 t. }7 r$ j% j' ]
被一种情绪所左右,
. u! l% V$ R8 w& W% W) s# y1 d总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
9 k7 v' @& \" ]$ k% q即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
2 d" ~+ v" l( z3 N也不问我是否喜欢你,; J1 a, e3 Z6 R  E3 X
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
2 Y- F4 D9 ~6 {* Z$ d2 n只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you- N% S3 L7 x8 t! h4 x% K
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
( {: Y, Y* S5 t3 ~心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil8 r2 Z/ C- I) ~* Y$ `/ R
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ( x" ?0 Z& N, @3 E/ Q
你的身影已化成一种氛围,/ \% h: `- M2 [9 l( d) J
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart." f) W! j. z5 v5 I
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
; ]8 A' j/ H1 F6 l3 @; f5 O随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字& i2 ^- @; K- E
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,: @" ^! V. y0 L3 Q7 D0 I0 ?
一种声音,and your voice- K6 J+ e3 V0 ?+ L
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling." {3 n6 B/ }. A, f# |! U
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
5 n  U' e3 ^: c, G与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
! N( ]$ a. o- x! |6 z象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
; j0 _4 z; P* }. W" m  F% p倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.0 t8 G& r( C4 i7 Q) N$ k+ X; C
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。" j$ R+ N, h' Q  L
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss9 L, s' g/ u! t& V4 T
有一个能够让思念的人,
$ P1 ?( {5 s% K4 [( D其实也是一种幸福。0 x1 |* N2 Y# }" F2 H8 y
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. , u# A. Q: n$ F4 ?2 B7 ]
柔柔的海风,
. L7 ^6 V) i) o" h9 m. G1 N0 {甜甜的夏天。+ w" A* `8 |6 H) t, e1 b5 {
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 5 w2 X% D$ G# ^& o; o; @
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.- s: ^2 ?( A! T) b$ \4 o0 x! r6 `
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.8 ?  `: b+ |. @8 S( D! [! ?! C
想和你有共同的情结,! g0 F) ^& A  |
共同的心愿。0 u- k1 y' g5 ]7 ]" l

8 j+ X5 ~# H2 @1 [
0 p: b+ n8 j: V好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
( W( j) {8 v- l9 E" Z# U4 k) {一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together: V7 {  Y2 `2 n7 b+ _8 Y. i
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
5 h- u4 M) A& p1 }- E" Q或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
# I1 I9 D  X$ O3 W4 U6 M6 Y% s『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
! D6 n- n( Q! Z! T& z- C0 Z; u7 }我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, & e" h- i4 @- N) C
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
, i1 j8 D9 Y, T6 [8 m! [+ q或是轻轻的一吻,
8 F8 x9 q* B! A3 s再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
* y  v4 P/ s# |, p6 D8 F, R就足够了. That is enough.; G$ z! D2 I6 e8 Y6 f* E0 m+ U
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! + B; J4 ]1 R  U, q8 u
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
' t( P8 e. I# f萌出了芽,
0 C. X3 Q: {% `一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
2 a* c6 P/ `5 V$ c7 [浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
) P( _$ u  q& d" ^) S# ^如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
. g9 d; w! q7 l% A4 K# t能够牵著你的手,
5 [* _0 o( b9 I" c- h8 P2 @- _( P那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely./ n3 ?: D) y- Y0 c
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. / h, O# O7 ?/ E; m
慢慢地细读,0 I: z$ p$ l2 p, J
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
& e. k$ v$ D: G" C3 i在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
: n9 \" {0 W* L" N+ n我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
! z# E( s4 Q% j0 D$ j就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
( O& E) O( a  N5 \+ k( @1 W" K1 u现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
1 g4 W# k4 l8 G# {/ x眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
  V. Z: S3 x: t5 l( Q) X4 dchange to:lacked
/ l" v. ^  x' e! ]猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.4 r2 }" t( `4 g- t; a6 w' d
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
/ s/ r+ I. ^- E, {, v! I6 b) c$ x 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及4 t5 X0 v/ w9 q
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.5 M7 x8 }6 ?5 U; B
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
8 W- z: y" u& g, z该为:throughyour hands.& u: a( j9 c% }% {+ X$ ]0 f/ X9 ^
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。4 T/ F4 m6 P5 I; \
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。" b$ d3 ]8 n6 _5 h) i$ x- H! {2 }  G( f/ ?
至少比我强。
! X. _  m/ o4 o1 C偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... & t$ X' h" X: F$ _
# X$ i& D  }/ m4 }8 e
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
6 v3 b8 P: l9 N' W5 o" ?0 H, a" e  R后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.( D+ v0 J+ _3 C4 R( Y! B
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.+ b0 ]/ J& T6 Y' Y& ?
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:) |8 ~1 i  S& H' q. i" X
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.2 \, u- p, D; X9 O
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
% H7 n' |5 e2 d Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
, z, @) r5 k" o- M/ YThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.% ?" }( [1 E+ I# i
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
4 v# H8 V9 o9 R9 J  B7 ^9 ESummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
0 |8 T4 W8 P$ J' m) [" UCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 3 x" h3 }1 ~. U1 f/ o- E6 r  h9 m
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
: }5 E0 ?& H4 E, A& fI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.; J& t8 G% r# A' T8 i
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.9 K0 K+ t9 Z# t; `1 n2 G
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
$ d* E/ M3 K* Q; `3 y9 v& vI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.5 C& Y% p/ m4 ^: e
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
2 g. p6 t/ e; H& A* }4 z* u0 YIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?) R) Y8 U1 `- [- J0 V. O8 ^
Intoxicated then feel cold,
6 l/ Z) D! q% }. h0 S8 ^the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.3 p# H1 Y. \: `; ^9 X
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
: A3 U. ~% ]$ R( WThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?: z  ]2 O. m4 B
Why I am always hoodwinked!3 d% z$ s5 \/ V  P) a# [2 v  o' [
I have told myself many times cautiously - r: I% ~: l% f& |% H
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.) |7 c  l! s( c
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
' d  _& f  c( I8 d& KWhy can`t I take it easy?
' f# p5 y$ G# J5 WHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
6 h9 ]+ F# I$ hWhen the quiet night comes
  X' `2 p) h1 [5 y& Wyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.: {* P- X: W- O8 ]1 V& }8 K$ ]+ S
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
7 \; a" N! n& i- n9 T& E( \Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,$ {) P- U* C! b1 A0 {, _
light the dark corner in my mind.6 s, B4 R/ @3 d# e
I feel a bit of cozy.
4 a, A0 F% G( L  z; uThe deep attached to you in a twinkling; h7 u  J1 f$ I; ~6 e
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
& c; g4 I" q3 wI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,% Z4 X" [7 b0 M8 C2 g2 ?4 b
but accompanying with the time passed/ [  D) J- ?/ u3 s
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,% Q- O7 T) f. }0 O2 s
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
$ U" H! V9 J5 y8 F3 y; _- dWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
* o4 t# }3 k5 D/ Z( C# G3 Ronly feel gracious for your existing,! d# [2 R( ~5 q% h- d( e) s* r
onlt want to do something for you.
8 n/ y) t1 o6 A5 f' Q% H  VEvery time when you meet me
# y: h( }( O2 `' @; v5 z" zthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,2 H: h% w3 q9 D4 X/ \& I
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
# n) r& g. B1 {7 y- p+ F. zThat live in my heart.+ p* h$ y' n/ {4 P
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?  O8 y& f, u3 p( G9 [5 e( U% m1 T) h3 L
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
7 K% r# ]+ ^4 ]$ L/ imake me gently distraught with happy feeling., `0 A' |9 b9 }! d
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
+ C' D6 d7 X+ ^- rsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.1 V  X9 p; S2 Y5 ^! M. E6 b: x
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,! C: [8 F; n& P* r( S  H
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer., s" @; P% e: F0 l
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ; h2 k0 h/ f. g4 Y9 a
only waiting for you quietly5 D* t) F! ]' @" x; q* @/ [# U
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.$ j$ y4 G: ~7 |" ~9 k: a# e
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you % _! w6 q$ |% x- z6 L$ \' U# C6 `
and enjoy the rain washing together  p. v7 d# q! K( d. G: p2 ?  c2 ]
or rush to a film7 W3 \- l* ?9 y5 g+ Q
or listen to a music quietly.
% e* K3 M+ q- W! W& UWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
8 ?, t4 j$ k- ?, }If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,5 S# q. i5 w5 ?
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
2 v; c! W* Q& q8 R2 l- AThat is enough.& R. Z" i9 p* e6 M; k0 o# t2 G# }
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,, {/ S7 e! J3 t4 Y; a4 V
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,3 M3 c1 [  P* g5 \1 l% n
the same as my missing.. o7 K9 Q- Z, @" t0 o
It comes a little bit of verdure.1 u9 y2 s( h* k. C, |% y" g  {. E- J. Z
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
' @0 s- R9 B& J' A7 f* Bthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.6 N; @' c2 p7 Q8 [( _
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
" P4 M9 a9 t/ A# D. q/ DI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
, y9 j/ w3 n0 h+ I3 hAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
8 r  Y* A8 A7 F# N; D8 l! Hthen I will have all care and ardor.' e2 ]% c& M/ u9 s. w7 q
Shall we walk arm in arm?
; `7 K( b+ F* t9 E8 z2 H$ z# j. }: J+ j呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.3 l4 ]5 o7 [- u7 C3 @  a; e% U
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 n8 I# ]9 j, B+ _* \& f
I am still the same person of yesterday.. @3 B& g: d0 G; G  [8 `
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
" L2 ~7 z- |& |, bSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. : k0 e5 \* s3 z6 @. [& z8 F2 y
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
1 {/ `7 p5 j! R! OMore or less,
4 O" a6 u; y0 g$ ?% J  y7 i( `! F a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.8 B- V$ q3 G& \! H

: o( Y; |  \# L8 [& ?% I9 ?Summer easily slips away, f9 ], m1 n# i* ?4 {  [
Those long lost hot nights
4 A) h+ n  R% c8 @$ Y$ F can only be found in the old days.
& f9 Q# a4 P1 Z+ I/ N) _% x: X. P- c. X
Cats jumping over the window sills, % W- n, r/ p0 j- D
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ) r8 n; i, `. D1 d+ Y& x/ y
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.! m7 v% F/ S: R1 }0 i: b8 b2 i
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
+ K2 b$ V3 a: R; g. N1 CI am still the same person of yesterday.0 Q& A' C4 c, Q
Unchanged name, unchange ...

# C/ T" P3 ?2 b* @& e. k& w5 @$ p
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
3 @* w6 L: |: ^3 i5 W6 z7 uGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* L, [9 N6 {0 \/ FLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
; R  |' ~3 M3 J# p/ SI am still the same person of yesterday.
5 w& U5 c" u/ D1 a; Q: OUnchanged name, unchange ...

: P6 {$ [* M! c6 _0 ^( Ui like it.
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