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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,% ]( U, \  w( p
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  , l) D* q8 q1 r, x/ r
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
0 P) ^+ u0 e/ r5 V) ^& N- v现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
. T9 i% c& V2 A" J梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking., l: x* S( N$ a) L1 t( _
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.+ ~* t8 d; w" r7 n
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
& d( e! O, k: _0 m+ W/ Z# Z猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.$ R; x( G5 Z- Z' R
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.2 S7 \( n) B" a* O) ]7 Q
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
7 Q/ D4 O9 @; v4 N, C8 k6 X那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
* s2 W; q$ A% e- C" v% h世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.$ R+ P6 X7 F: C  ?! \! k7 C
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.$ f# A  {5 k  e4 l+ p
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up." Q/ @6 q0 p5 ]' |& L: R
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ) @: I3 g/ v+ s/ M5 N
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?7 Y8 m! l& {" p. r* j$ }
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.& H9 F3 O1 _' c, v1 K
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.( f0 R/ O8 Z% A! a
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
  m; t. j3 j5 u/ L4 I9 V多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
) j8 g; \; X7 p/ i( [( N' y/ [+ FWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….% W) R+ l- T$ u8 @1 u+ X3 p" U
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously! y7 @$ A' m% h0 s1 V' N8 @
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.# U' y8 ~- G& x2 j
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, " u  ^, U2 Y+ m. t( f  I
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?, K2 r' p/ k0 J0 ]
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!! W, }! d: w- ]- K3 V
永难平息的泪
9 a* E& I2 F: j) U  I7 l每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
) \: ?1 l1 g" p4 Y~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
! e8 r) f. ~, g, l当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
1 }: q0 K9 A: g+ O2 {5 J+ B让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,3 N$ @# V2 i- i/ T' W8 `( b
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 6 i" a% \1 [; F& T
一抹微笑;
  I4 D/ h! \( @$ _9 O5 v: M1 L一个手势;, p, W" W: x1 y& S- r
一片话语,
. C2 m  q7 L% S2 i愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、; y: M$ L( H6 ?: Q9 @3 j: i
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner( ^) m7 _2 y) E. [: X6 I, i
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.+ Q& P, }# F4 A& g9 z
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
8 q, Q2 M5 X, v( v) m也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..6 b8 |8 b9 g* P2 T7 ^( d! [
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
4 Q6 P2 q1 t5 B+ F6 Q9 U- D# ]8 k/ M  G我并不以为然。
! H" Z% _" C; f; H7 Z可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed ; A* g: R7 o0 K/ q
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
) y0 m6 F+ {! t: p* W被一种情绪所左右,
- z1 W! K1 G2 Y7 Y总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .: K# s. G$ Q! ~1 T2 d# X2 K
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
; R8 R- O, N4 G' Z: }7 R也不问我是否喜欢你,
0 k7 t, ^5 I* w, C( B, A  M! y# _对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.$ U/ ~  j( e: G3 c+ w
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you9 E' h2 a( S9 A* f9 a; `) Q
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
' E+ J' h, n2 }7 K' V% `心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
$ N1 @" X0 t  }! [' {3 |然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 4 U0 D. }6 _9 h9 }$ R0 I
你的身影已化成一种氛围,4 m  a) h! f# B
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart., ?8 ?! h6 }8 i
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
7 d9 x1 V6 j, C随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
  ^; {+ k/ q; \- @7 `, i5 W哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
/ p) p( {, @: c一种声音,and your voice
' n, G6 M6 A/ v* Z& ]  i" g0 \也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.9 l% w( Q  v7 h/ c; ^
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
  `6 ~; p" g! D与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land) B& `0 A; w, e0 n* e. o+ g
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,, u, _6 W( J" X; Z. D+ ]
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.  W; G/ q% @) ~% J: S3 C* e% u
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
8 p! B# r0 x" u6 ]* l- [3 I$ i+ \! e, t你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
5 }: V+ N5 C" S& e9 `/ h$ y/ O2 R  n有一个能够让思念的人,
: E  \6 y, z" |% s, p其实也是一种幸福。5 w6 i# w* X8 v$ E
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
' {* }/ {1 y* W( o3 L柔柔的海风,2 l3 ?% a2 Z, @* r" \3 b
甜甜的夏天。
. x1 X4 E* d4 r7 _一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
. p$ C( z  I+ l7 d只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
) L9 ?8 O# y, l# Z9 B: O1 K- D( z仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.7 h! ]# ?2 B- W: V& i+ D
想和你有共同的情结,
0 n6 l5 c* V+ j. ?: p共同的心愿。
2 g/ B0 }, M. S* ?
* k& g" y" m. e9 j
# O; f2 J; E% `好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
- G) ?$ H; O/ |2 p/ }  p. Z6 u一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
8 D& k6 P' e* h) l或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 1 S% @# c5 N* K: ?& w) @; @
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.8 l6 U4 @& v. Y; ~+ h+ Y
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
9 ^' `: s) \$ O3 M' v  N我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 5 E& d' [! g& B% y, h2 y3 [
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”- F2 Z! n, ?! `) E
或是轻轻的一吻,
2 U; s4 P  X# q  a再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』  x) V/ z& U( R$ Z+ n0 G
就足够了. That is enough.
7 n; I+ N7 P! G7 I这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
( h, e! U% Q. N5 r# Q终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.. t3 t1 N$ p& R! \1 J) K6 y. g0 U+ X
萌出了芽,# I: }& y( |+ q- R0 J) B9 j: h2 q
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing1 j. w% B% R( ~5 h
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.& H  t& F: D  k' P9 t, q
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
" ~2 }+ |  P, N, u能够牵著你的手,
* @( L2 K% }2 [7 K4 O# Q# v那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.3 K& n/ z+ T9 B! i: l) l& j
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
; U8 l+ G; a& y, u+ t慢慢地细读,
8 J$ t. L' `4 {5 k3 x  Y1 v9 S我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 5 d. j; v' v8 [
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
9 \* D8 A+ R) q4 V3 W/ @* h3 @. r% X我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
7 x; @. H% Y& I5 ^5 q2 Q就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
: |( V) B5 n0 I现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
$ k5 @4 B1 U! [  R- j* V" }眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.) y2 x* v0 `( Z, F  O8 z
change to:lacked1 ~- X; I0 D" C' Q9 `6 p& a6 M
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
. X1 {$ y% Y+ `- F* p9 UCats often played at the whole hot night.& V' I5 @! {& H
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及' W8 ]7 K  M& j" L
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
# A, {$ `+ n, j* v  d) kI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. / i# s9 g0 A# s  Z* t4 o, y6 @. m) c. Q
该为:throughyour hands.( A: c8 c6 q0 b- J
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。( q$ V3 n% K# r, e
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。6 X/ L" b3 D7 i( m' G" _7 |
至少比我强。4 y/ j8 [4 p1 W5 X3 E2 P
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 5 w# A6 j, F" w5 X- j

% j4 n3 q1 S1 w* P3 _这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
0 D% T7 y) Z8 u$ ]8 Z, P后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.. I8 R# C2 x7 L# a
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.) T% K3 s& [; _7 p% P8 o
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:9 R) X1 _/ Z: ]( T
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
( Q- Z( `  L! O8 w4 G% K& xPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.9 e3 Z6 s. O6 B. J- ]6 p  B( `
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
+ [7 V1 w' x1 ?6 ?% eThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.7 p0 q  c3 T, z3 }) Q
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
) w, u% x8 u) I: K+ H. M: ?Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
1 h5 [+ g9 G5 cCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
' S. W0 z, s6 T% Nlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
  J$ M0 |/ e: Y* A* ~I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming." H" }% F- `6 c2 P, F+ ]
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.+ V; W2 B! @5 f& c* ]* q& Y- ~8 y& D
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
7 `* v4 Y0 q) u9 x- EI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
/ Q6 F" M2 a: ~. i* GI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild./ b) w0 X, ~3 w( z) W
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?. K2 \4 N) T9 |" E$ b. s
Intoxicated then feel cold,0 y- K3 n0 Q' U. W8 @' |
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
1 k  `6 @1 S. F$ [I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
( ^; G, \- Q4 S4 |0 w& E5 X4 CThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?) T& `  p0 V3 `" R6 }
Why I am always hoodwinked!9 a# R" q! f# i, v
I have told myself many times cautiously
( B% C+ b3 g) t* c7 Xdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
5 s, I. D: q" Z% a/ C% zThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation." z1 K2 i+ b  Q/ i
Why can`t I take it easy?2 U3 T& C  h" F! C
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!/ T+ V0 ]6 o& ^
When the quiet night comes
/ u9 ^' `& f. D. Fyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.! R9 D/ d3 A( `$ a5 \5 t9 I2 H; v
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.3 l3 ?5 s. ?4 j
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
. i9 b5 S5 y( qlight the dark corner in my mind.
# }' i1 x* Z8 _; }I feel a bit of cozy.6 E. Z+ u- e; [# V
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
* W  M# m+ A! cmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
% A0 X& a* F2 T* x4 ~% a1 rI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
( b+ N0 ?  K" \: D% Q) {. U# Y5 Hbut accompanying with the time passed) d) M2 w6 P0 V* \2 }
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
2 x- e! Y) ^) H, r5 \6 u4 _& Nalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
9 I& D; O6 n1 {4 E! L* QWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
( m# D4 U; e) h- [only feel gracious for your existing,; _7 b" O4 |* f) s
onlt want to do something for you.
2 B% P; N8 K% q. c! l$ z& I8 N4 xEvery time when you meet me
; X9 R% x, v! R+ a$ [2 p/ `the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,( _! i$ @- B# K# N" z4 M
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere- K3 Z0 _- U3 p$ O9 ?
That live in my heart.
' v7 J5 [' V. c  S8 ~2 V; b6 hDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
# s8 b3 ]. d! [Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice- W5 R- b1 T& s& p! m0 g/ H) M
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.4 \# |" G6 F+ i2 |5 I, o  x
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land" J* t: m; o* h0 m
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you." h3 F- U3 {6 ~/ @8 h$ o& m
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,4 {/ X; O! N4 L9 I
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.' Y# `5 F  m- }9 y0 d$ \7 m. ~% E
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy " E; a  [& F; s1 @- _
only waiting for you quietly) ?& _' H& t5 L7 b, k0 A% g6 Y
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
5 y7 R( w0 `# u7 K; eI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
% |. `1 x1 k+ W! C0 L8 Eand enjoy the rain washing together7 S7 Q) @6 M: Q* c9 q# N* d
or rush to a film% G* T5 `9 B( f8 F, `! K, ?
or listen to a music quietly.
5 F9 e6 ^4 ?; kWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?* o  @$ [. ~3 j& `; G: P
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,7 K/ u" }, E3 {* e% j6 N+ H# F
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
! [  \/ C) Z0 ]$ g3 v# u3 sThat is enough.
5 g/ o9 s3 `+ T# k9 `' p, qMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,8 T* g% s8 J" @  f5 B
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,) b! v* I2 W- C2 v3 ]" r
the same as my missing.
' P$ f# h" Z2 a& pIt comes a little bit of verdure.& k8 ?# u2 z2 p5 L' L& s( `! i
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
% V# }7 ?- z8 y9 C- h" t+ [! \8 Sthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
( @$ @, C! v, Y; D6 s1 i4 ~Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
6 j# f, T8 j; d! pI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
$ e2 D( E: w  q; L! h& d* bAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
' t% @; u8 |9 t1 d5 `! y1 n7 bthen I will have all care and ardor.
9 {$ c& A" p# f: X9 u  xShall we walk arm in arm?
/ U2 J/ Y4 Q3 Q' N( A" o呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
) ?8 O4 \/ E) @' J  ALeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
# e$ O' s" E& ?- J! TI am still the same person of yesterday.9 v: z% V6 l* L1 y
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
1 e( ^: i% U7 L# r+ iSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 1 z" Z; t2 v  Y, e- X/ Y7 f# u
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
6 j6 @$ m1 n% z6 }* x9 B/ v" DMore or less,; {+ n" B9 [) G! }/ A' k8 e$ m- G
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.' t6 L0 h0 `9 H1 k9 {9 k+ n9 L* D9 s

$ r. O: v+ t! {8 i8 NSummer easily slips away
0 v: w$ P+ Q- U* `Those long lost hot nights
2 V( y% {' b- y9 @% a can only be found in the old days. " \+ D- k6 z$ S) o+ Y

/ ?# }6 A( u6 n8 {5 x: g9 ~Cats jumping over the window sills, 6 d5 `  z2 {7 O7 M" d% S7 H+ \( y/ z
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
2 z3 O5 L. }: K0 M7 }( o0 Z, UGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
5 J+ g; T/ I6 ~. [& p+ ]9 D2 LLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.! d4 h9 V) C$ o
I am still the same person of yesterday.
* u! K) r( [9 }' CUnchanged name, unchange ...

2 ?1 f( A; S# U1 p9 G4 C* a& w8 V
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 - I  A+ ]1 k3 j
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.: b/ Q. ~+ C( z* E! b- k4 `
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
3 }% {# h: a3 e+ _, cI am still the same person of yesterday.2 e) E7 y4 L: V6 \" _- u
Unchanged name, unchange ...

7 }2 v9 l5 z) Gi like it.
理袁律师事务所
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