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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,. f! [/ o+ ]1 B* w6 Z& @
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
& e3 n1 l7 \  V/ p) p! r, @3 k零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
% Y6 L6 ?! O* u  C! ?- m5 q现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.2 ?$ T; @, [+ j2 U  d& I/ L7 u
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.$ E$ x/ p; j/ v
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.0 M; h( ^) j. }4 F3 o' g
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
. v  |) e$ Q6 g( E猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.8 o. @5 R, e- i( @! A
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.' R0 D: k5 r( t6 h
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及, @7 r5 I) X0 V! c: E
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
% H) J% F! S7 n$ D  g0 X5 R世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.# w$ g4 C/ I' I8 U4 j
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
% A# a4 {9 O8 B) s4 y/ c! z想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.  ?" p) p  W9 v) Y
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ) T, S2 v: t, i) d* @5 }1 t# q
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
0 @% j9 N% L2 H醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
/ n4 o- x& Y) U" w- c/ e迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.+ ^2 f: X/ v4 w9 o. u. q; \' M
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
/ R1 @9 y, `) m) d6 x8 Y$ \% ]多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
# `# l/ m6 s4 X0 VWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….. F5 b+ C. D" H! P- T: I$ s
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously" o3 W- K& V( `' ~/ T1 g) B: x
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
3 l2 L+ c$ P7 l' y7 q( s1 T+ J) }多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
8 c* p9 u8 i/ S0 e# G( F" e% U为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?% n& x: k/ C" ]8 Y/ R7 H
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!3 S& z8 c- `( y/ d; M
永难平息的泪2 v" H0 z5 V9 ^2 @. m: f
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
2 s! Z( `  ?* t; `$ D~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
. ]3 u5 t1 x8 o9 [当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.$ b) d/ P4 I# r7 R2 c
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
2 g; h$ d* Z% b' p- @你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
* p  N2 c; U; R一抹微笑;
/ T' D" H# X! t6 Z; L, d6 ?一个手势;5 {; w4 k5 u/ X/ s
一片话语,
5 A0 c* k5 D7 t1 F" t愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、0 D% k& J- d0 _7 x
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner% ^7 L% o/ }$ R; \
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.2 J8 Y# [5 R2 u6 [  c
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
4 z5 @0 ^8 V, d5 \8 V也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
; t$ t5 k. m: t) V, ~) V# ?" X. A起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,6 K  N0 P& v* W" Z/ x9 V
我并不以为然。
7 G3 M# c% A4 l! |0 a. [9 Q可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed ( h, f* U& M; m
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion ., d8 Y: m2 o  e( T6 j1 s
被一种情绪所左右,& b; C  m2 @7 P9 w, O9 w/ F, S
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .- A8 V- s( m5 x
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you& N+ C- ^$ c% }
也不问我是否喜欢你,
4 a% w* y4 H2 d4 h) N对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.# u' H' J8 N; V+ t
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
. a( D) x% c' A4 b* P8 U- V- o3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you; ~0 T$ h% ?' O: T
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
0 P) h8 O& N' W& x然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ' P1 T( y& O* A. o- B! H+ w
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
4 L$ |  R; n1 w0 R8 W8 n# T记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
: z! f' V- |8 d+ W9 t) `8 L/ Q! W' l2 Y你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
# r. Z2 N, R6 o9 z$ M- [随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
; h% n' k- s9 M' i% G1 e! M哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
+ x9 R% s8 L& u5 k一种声音,and your voice' I% o; ^* e# c: Y7 H6 x
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
( @5 |" O; E& X掺杂著幸福的感觉。8 X8 r% s$ S! l* a
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land. ^; T' p6 x5 w
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,9 z3 }; i( ?5 E
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
$ h* _( o' u2 x7 [8 |. y' C& z; E5 C3 k" I纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
4 }0 h5 m3 p! l* c. D1 G. B  V# ^你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
* ~2 z7 W; m) {0 ^; t9 j: d0 v0 D有一个能够让思念的人,+ \; w6 S5 c- P) `' O) B
其实也是一种幸福。. e  o* o/ }' K) U+ v
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
0 }4 d7 n( I( [6 X: `  M% J柔柔的海风,
% A$ q$ N& i6 E% W# [甜甜的夏天。; E" h- P) s& B, ^9 t5 @
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 3 f# s3 I& L% E2 Q# G1 z
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.# V& k7 V6 `5 m
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.) {5 I2 h1 g% W1 Q- N2 K
想和你有共同的情结,1 u$ C4 C7 w8 o5 Z9 h1 o
共同的心愿。  c) @  y  {) K* ^. u

& E+ j. g6 V) e: c1 T. ~: f
* f% W7 N0 x, O6 t2 C好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
5 ^/ i: d! x7 v" [1 g0 y一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
' P  |% R0 Q; m" P或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
5 r# P% h% D- s: y/ ]5 G5 L或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.2 n& `% m( f2 \* [! o7 R' i7 v
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
" R, p' L3 p0 J% J! w我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
0 x9 x% ^7 W# R1 e4 r: ~1 F浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”1 h( S) w, T$ n9 S
或是轻轻的一吻,
3 x/ H' z$ e' \% T8 H7 @; j再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』% f) S/ O) k" q4 {! Z7 ?
就足够了. That is enough.
% h9 I8 u5 X6 M' c8 }) J* k这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ( Q$ b: _8 q0 h0 U% |! g& Z  k
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
# E5 u& |7 g) U8 S. E8 n; a( r萌出了芽,
: W9 F9 ?* J, _) q  [' `一如对你的思念,the same as my missing7 D7 U; P( e. X% j% \) R
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
, F- n3 S# I  c5 Y, s: \+ g如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand% U/ g; u; P/ D/ s
能够牵著你的手,
) z# E; [! L% V" m: k那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.; K  |1 g, K9 M; g" I
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
; A: {2 ^8 n4 b. n( `( n3 s慢慢地细读,
9 @6 R7 \: V' [( k" }6 f我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
; L0 v, ~. J* J$ W' V/ O$ V" ]0 s在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
' z& U. l6 w6 ?! l9 i7 ~3 k9 X0 S1 `我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
1 P. {" e- ~) g0 O& k- h就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
! I% E+ E, V* M' k; E  W0 B现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago# K9 ]- g$ _- k, q
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.% Y: d) x% M. p& x; F
change to:lacked
# j' S$ x& P. D( |猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
( y0 `4 t7 x% s$ U: l8 TCats often played at the whole hot night.& L* [; X* Y4 u
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及- N/ I5 \" f* n3 ?4 s, c) ?
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.& |8 z* k  p( F+ m
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
) P- ]% G6 G1 T* Q, Q该为:throughyour hands.
0 r' [3 H8 a* {6 d) m7 r还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。) b  _2 w" X/ J& y- u0 t9 l$ {& e
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
/ i) J" m9 O0 ?" f# q8 ]+ o至少比我强。
' A% p; b! S( W; c; x1 h7 J偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... # I( w& Y- t3 T2 z8 `3 H, T
& G% q$ e& |; C4 K/ i
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。, _* }( x( ~& U; _8 a
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.* j5 h: o* x- w5 _$ B
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.# V  d& q2 t9 o; n0 N: ~( H
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
5 v1 \6 ]: h7 U( Z# |9 E; A' y& _Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
* y# r& L; }! l4 r/ Z1 EPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
& s! r( ~3 Z6 Q4 w* l# t1 z/ F7 e Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name./ Z; C, P7 Q0 Y( H
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.. U: g1 Q' s+ L' u" B& `
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
: m' _1 p2 Z  ~2 n, kSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
2 i2 h$ ?/ R+ F# a' n: d# ^! mCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
3 ]2 \2 {  ^/ i+ o* s9 {' clike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
. M  J1 `' N: M9 ^2 V. GI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
# B9 o3 @3 x- p; P+ \0 D, G  {, S. oThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
) v; f# D! W& J; y9 yThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
; ]- y' ^5 t5 o0 I. L8 |( I/ c( MI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
3 s- J. s" w6 v* E9 x* c  p; ]6 A" i7 m! uI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild., j2 R7 L3 @4 J8 {5 j
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
/ T5 ^: X. y+ C9 pIntoxicated then feel cold,
* l: A# S( n3 P+ d  Dthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
& X% h6 q% E' U" Q& Y- uI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.9 l6 ~( K$ w2 ^: \
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?; b( J- G& u2 Y9 N, c
Why I am always hoodwinked!
: [  ?/ l; L( O! L- LI have told myself many times cautiously
' V9 s) i4 [, N% Q6 m& Y" Wdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.3 |. m- Y! e1 n' V/ |* E
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
- a& ^% E+ d9 I3 @; ^Why can`t I take it easy?  Q. S  e2 n7 q9 `) s( W
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
, [4 G6 M+ A% l5 l  AWhen the quiet night comes
3 e: e9 k; L9 D. Kyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.1 u/ C1 X( q) }  C
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.. A6 J. s* w" B8 K9 Q! u, ?% Y
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
- u$ O& N" m( x6 P9 ]light the dark corner in my mind.- x& b5 L( ~! E: t# p6 @- _- w4 }
I feel a bit of cozy.$ e1 V# g+ x" w  `/ y; r3 J
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
, v9 {  [0 b; Pmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.+ _7 y1 @$ E; ]; k
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
! a( n; W5 Q' K' `! Ebut accompanying with the time passed
# d' e3 ?  A' l2 S2 ^, wI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,0 M! i  b% ^# h0 ^4 J5 j2 `
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.5 c! _$ f0 Q: r
Without asking if you like me or if I like you1 ?; g  h, l5 @& @! c( h$ W
only feel gracious for your existing,( N- u" A# ~# F' o1 T
onlt want to do something for you.
. n) C1 h1 Y1 E( e6 ?Every time when you meet me# e6 f1 o: z" Q* V3 T
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
# r. I8 I$ M, I5 H* V5 h  I0 Y( nbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
$ A9 s6 h5 }! m4 RThat live in my heart.
" h  K+ K- M- G- N& XDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?% h1 e) j( U, k7 E
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
$ N( t8 a/ R7 P2 u6 X7 h& Imake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
8 u% `9 r5 q; m" f0 v" QThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land4 k6 `2 R2 _  I* C) B6 ]
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
/ q2 @. u7 F: q+ n- d8 `Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,6 N: z% f- K0 |" L, q
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
$ X- j5 J0 c. J2 |Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy & l0 g, ]  ?% G1 F0 [# c0 _1 u, z4 `
only waiting for you quietly
$ R$ X- |! L8 r, Yjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.6 K/ I3 F7 J8 B$ V
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
5 o7 z' p) b- o$ ~and enjoy the rain washing together
; G) g. Q' h- c2 cor rush to a film# p& U# s* y9 |. ~
or listen to a music quietly.  G" Q) _  l" o' I
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
- d& z' b! f# Z) J: pIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,  \* y& {' Z  n: v  d3 ?2 Y
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
  `0 q* L1 Q+ z9 T, {' YThat is enough.
! k- ]& J: }+ s' ]' g6 FMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
5 g1 P' ~- E; L9 j6 }; g( [/ l1 Ffinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,& q1 N$ s6 W2 p! D$ W( Y" H* o" |% P
the same as my missing.4 d: U" l7 T6 G7 j# }, W
It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 U" C/ a9 Y& d' m2 h, UIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
' L: ]# Y4 n! T6 y/ u1 Wthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.) ?0 T9 D. G- M
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.) e8 J6 R; {) u- S" x
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
) O0 h, S; V* Q* ~# HAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
; ~$ k5 n- M* ~- B& p) Ethen I will have all care and ardor.5 Q% y! W6 b$ C$ |& F$ W
Shall we walk arm in arm?
% j1 u' \+ v: Y0 ?呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
" ]5 r  ]2 X# F% _1 c& c' I7 aLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.( N" w. b2 Y% p) n3 @
I am still the same person of yesterday.0 [( R8 G  G  E8 k6 ?  y
Unchanged name, unchanged I.* F, f1 ~; w0 k7 a
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 0 `* W3 r# r9 F  ]
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.8 O  w8 p, J; G3 J1 }
More or less,) m9 @& k) N0 X+ J% {8 U, ^; e" v' a
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
% _! j; \: i* Z2 X4 z. P1 n7 {3 s( h5 M/ `! C: @
Summer easily slips away' U8 v/ M+ g* J' v$ u+ M
Those long lost hot nights& u- O+ y& E+ |# O* K. U: i
can only be found in the old days.
: `0 R8 }+ d1 x) x4 k# r
% @- T/ `' R3 }3 ~9 nCats jumping over the window sills,
* Y% |% W7 b) N5 v5 b# F# nchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
# j7 }* k# Y6 i) ^9 \Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.' G9 M' N: w# K6 L
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
* B2 b, t& G0 q/ Q! [I am still the same person of yesterday.
2 j5 G4 u* n! K  `/ z2 I" vUnchanged name, unchange ...

+ s# k, Z/ B* \* i2 ]! M3 j
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
+ h! j" e# \& m! w+ x) oGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.$ g* K$ ~4 I8 B& A+ x
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& {- u, h- p2 _. `( qI am still the same person of yesterday.7 F# l9 t8 j0 S. |) m" T
Unchanged name, unchange ...

& v: n6 S& i9 n: ?6 _2 u7 xi like it.
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