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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,8 c0 E1 U5 |7 t( p) C# D
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
! K4 r0 S5 p. @  y2 R2 ^. _% J零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
% b5 k1 _) a4 k3 y, w! o1 c, n现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
9 N2 d6 T4 B! O' ?4 F% P梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.' Z+ o" B/ C4 p/ `7 I) @
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something." s1 Z  J3 v* ^
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
+ T6 O+ l  b) r0 a猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
5 r( a% F1 f8 L+ v. ^: x, t3 O) h就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.; }7 S6 c. B) H- U' I- u8 q4 i
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及. o/ p$ \$ u  Q2 _/ W
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。& }/ V! U6 T: ^7 ]+ u/ [- |
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.+ Z: p4 `0 N7 [$ S$ n0 g1 B6 F
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
9 K$ j1 R" q- C+ K) F9 D想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
; i* ~* m9 N2 K- E最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
/ A0 m: m1 i' |7 Y2 G寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
& y- a/ O6 N8 w' ]9 U1 t0 [4 d醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.: y4 O3 k& S1 K. i
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
; X1 k0 G3 v9 `2 M4 D# V  E最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.# t  T. ^5 ~1 w+ _1 d0 u
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?) r: j$ S- {. T" M1 Z8 X# i$ }8 |" b
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
# V0 g; Y  p0 |: M& O多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
8 ~% j6 Z0 Z+ c6 Y& [9 k不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
& Q: e3 N% ?. U9 F5 H多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
! |5 ]. ^$ s+ e* D5 N为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?$ i  ?- R1 y- n2 \9 U9 l. b- M
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!3 I6 B% s  i! P7 m  R, j
永难平息的泪* E  Z  p: ?0 T' L6 u
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes( Q( R# V# ?6 F* L( y. [. L: a
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
3 ~1 o7 ^/ x0 A  Q  O, l当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
  a. c7 Y9 \/ J' i6 Q让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,% p8 \7 V5 A: I! E8 M) ?
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 4 C' L  J. N7 ]- p; o
一抹微笑;
' h/ J( S7 m( P- o: C一个手势;
' L# p, r$ t+ e* [% X一片话语,& d  M; ~+ k' b. K4 O) b- a1 x. E# ^
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、+ m- i, g8 v* p" E1 n9 z1 h0 H: x
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
3 G! J4 J& C5 J心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy./ u+ z0 V7 u9 @8 ?9 v
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
6 b" G  z; V: e也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..& A* e, ?/ K: {6 c( a' H
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
' @3 X; A6 |9 q( T7 l我并不以为然。/ r# q' S! L7 N$ ]: a0 a! a5 ^( N3 b
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 0 N: c* T3 `! ?0 p# X6 _* z; K- B
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .* h7 k/ D; }1 I
被一种情绪所左右,7 i0 z! H6 R7 [* y: i
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .1 r$ S9 I2 I* e) C$ L9 l+ ]# j! t
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you0 d' j7 F4 ]7 z, K3 d
也不问我是否喜欢你,0 n& Z& k( t( R7 s  @
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.4 ~% ~! v) I1 {# g- C
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
3 X) ?3 G( |, L3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you9 h. D4 Y& i$ y3 }8 P
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil: p. n3 E9 e+ }
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 2 u: m! J, F1 o& i% w: ^
你的身影已化成一种氛围,4 f1 N6 S9 X  M/ H
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.) g- g9 I. h8 u; Y3 i& q
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 1 k# L1 f: [! ~* _. m
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
' S- @: U* N! k/ }$ m. B6 I) l3 q哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,1 M5 `3 C. s9 o" g
一种声音,and your voice
8 d) }3 w7 t% v8 q也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
! u  Q$ M! [) n4 G* b+ M/ i掺杂著幸福的感觉。! C7 n+ I; E/ U0 I
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
$ F3 q8 d  S3 ?: W象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
8 l9 _4 o! p# P2 L9 B. K9 V9 P倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
. u+ N0 Z; i+ R" V; \* K纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
' l  p1 ~% \9 D  i2 W! f你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss" |9 O! x2 O' j+ ^+ y1 b
有一个能够让思念的人,
% v9 i7 S1 P  [0 |5 i" x$ R其实也是一种幸福。( @& F+ w4 T6 ]! g2 q
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
! E$ p$ Q$ ?0 w% t) }3 M柔柔的海风,
# X4 f! ~8 p: E" c4 {7 d' T( a甜甜的夏天。
9 C7 ]" X9 ^: h8 U4 g2 s1 U) `9 }一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" z- X8 r' k8 l: F只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
. x# m4 |( D/ x$ R8 a  E" j$ t5 d仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
# a. W2 u2 q2 w2 Q想和你有共同的情结,
2 [: y: H6 N6 [6 b% Q# o9 v3 m共同的心愿。
) O- {& P6 t8 ~( Y. p4 k1 G& ^" M+ b
3 ?# m5 H  g) ]
* S; m/ p$ T3 U  d' ~0 a. x好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you; J, E* R  J" s) s' J  F
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together# ?3 s7 t2 c7 G4 y
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
' W' T# v' F+ ]) f或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
/ N3 F  H/ p0 ^4 u+ s『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
4 a' |# S( a, Z* u我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, , ?3 n( n% D! h/ R8 \; O; y0 M6 ^
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
" l# _  e0 V* _6 b$ K# M7 o2 T3 e$ h或是轻轻的一吻,
; V( J6 w# F0 \2 A" O再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
0 v  `5 V9 ?8 s( L) b; a& p就足够了. That is enough.* n8 B* u* v( z, \. T) w- J  B
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 8 s5 E$ D! i" d
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.2 H# j) C) y( C5 i
萌出了芽,
, ?7 C6 K+ p5 q一如对你的思念,the same as my missing# L3 M$ I6 M- z" U' u: U
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 ?4 q+ h, Y/ r4 b! b如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand' j6 |/ M3 e; B0 f# t2 ]
能够牵著你的手,2 ~, {6 k) J- k& A1 J5 U$ H4 G& W$ T
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
0 l1 @# T9 H# G$ q8 P  M让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
: n0 M' d+ Y8 x* k9 r: Z慢慢地细读,
% P0 z$ u- c7 U2 @我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 2 t  W( e8 }6 l) Q6 Q4 g7 ?' f$ Z
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 7 j/ {$ p8 L# {4 |. ~9 G9 f( a
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ) K2 Z9 P2 I$ d2 ~
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:/ N# k5 n' Q; @+ X% R. S
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
: H$ o4 }( w% e9 Y! c  j- }眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
* W, i* Y" D- b" a5 [change to:lacked
; z, Z4 z$ C. v: V" c猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
" b2 P+ s4 l+ ZCats often played at the whole hot night.
4 d6 d) F" V, j) f! m! z 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
# @' D, N1 a) w* O改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.7 h5 F' q3 d3 t+ F4 t
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 8 ]& ^9 A6 E" a2 ^
该为:throughyour hands.! |! I" e7 b7 ^  ~* e$ d
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。( l# P( |' Z1 }4 v4 [) K
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
& v- \, Q* _5 |2 V8 r至少比我强。7 E1 ~& j4 V( g9 m' d# T- _
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 1 k8 B$ }! K2 L& q& j8 M, \

' H- b, W9 @" {: s1 Y! W. j这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
$ S3 X4 k4 ~0 p) H后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.& ]* j* e: c6 l& j$ I; y, T, R' Z) j
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
  @7 E/ S/ X/ Y% q5 v! p9 l; ^, S前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:# i# c5 j) Z, q
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
, k) a5 z+ D7 dPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
& n0 n) C, |" n% Z% ~ Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.7 l4 y% b7 D9 f7 w! J: r7 Q
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.( ~. h4 N& x' N. Z* n
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.7 M- p  K( ~# c. {5 }: L/ m8 U
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
* @" W9 ^" D9 V% P. o7 ~Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool   e6 p; v* W/ n
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.  p; E- t; Z- P9 w. q5 B
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
5 z" p4 e: `* M# {3 `# R5 q5 u1 @: {/ QThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
9 y' I5 U9 q0 g  K6 QThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
0 j3 I8 G6 G8 GI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.$ u  N2 F% b+ y9 l
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
$ v* T. A; l1 P% i4 O. FIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
- q7 l1 M; w; J; R8 u8 CIntoxicated then feel cold,+ j2 ]; p3 g3 o' l
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
. x. T5 w% S- I8 d+ ^I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 p2 T0 n  z. g- Y. O6 Z1 Q
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
+ E* d/ D( s4 Y$ T. S. G+ uWhy I am always hoodwinked!
0 g3 j: F6 u; m  J8 \3 eI have told myself many times cautiously
$ S3 ?6 Z2 `5 F# m$ Bdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.6 j( f0 G& _; ^% X
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
7 N7 }  b! V7 M1 {: G4 m7 o' n0 ?Why can`t I take it easy?
8 [( R! J/ ~  [# u8 X, ^4 XHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
) }2 w* l3 `* ]6 bWhen the quiet night comes
2 R+ Z; b. G$ F& A8 ~1 H; uyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.6 N! t  M) Z$ h6 v) |0 M& a
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.% x! p6 e: ^7 f2 _
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,% l; z3 I6 l) F& a1 e
light the dark corner in my mind.
6 m( Y5 s5 y9 J& GI feel a bit of cozy./ V9 \, U; K* t! r# f
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
- q' x9 h  |4 m$ D9 ~# cmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
, J& M- H- t5 s8 O; W- e: KI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,# M+ S, Q' u# S5 m
but accompanying with the time passed0 B0 z0 h, l9 |  K# B) w" G* H/ ^
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,( t( }5 m) }1 m. P" B; u9 x, P
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
0 P9 C+ R8 z/ eWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
$ a. d: y$ O5 f2 D3 s$ q- d6 Zonly feel gracious for your existing,' B" e4 K' O* k/ W: K  ^1 i
onlt want to do something for you." o" {, E1 s. i5 }) k
Every time when you meet me1 C- [* m- y1 l" t" u
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,6 J0 B; @* D" {, X- M
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere- Q+ v; G* f! [" E+ }' K6 T
That live in my heart.
1 k' `2 v* s1 f/ ADo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
/ f9 T% T* b$ Q) MEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
& N" V3 k$ T2 O$ s- Fmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
# k  T- W# E1 w: A2 q4 jThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land, Q# C+ ]+ F+ C$ m4 V1 n, o
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
% v) s- M7 {/ T& @Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,+ W: R0 J. `1 `% j- d' u: e9 j
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.4 n2 |2 E! O5 n- p) C3 O
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
) d- s$ N5 i/ Vonly waiting for you quietly
* f( ^. n' v  }: Mjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.' o6 |4 H9 \* ~/ b$ `1 U6 L
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you ) e6 e# ]5 z4 K- h
and enjoy the rain washing together
, `/ G& L0 T  l+ \or rush to a film
0 \+ z, a9 y, @! _  w! Y; ]or listen to a music quietly.
( a4 X1 q6 h2 O0 R; T- O  ]$ X( EWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?3 Y- o8 Y5 s# l& n& d
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
8 U8 x, k9 B8 Z* Z; Esmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you"." T+ y) J% P( Z' K
That is enough.) T+ d5 @; @0 Y" Y' P3 K0 M0 w* S
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
. X7 d& a$ a( x; P& [/ ?- Dfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,6 I. C. J- Z0 {( z1 r6 Y: V
the same as my missing.
2 p3 }7 |& g7 c$ L0 _5 eIt comes a little bit of verdure.
9 l- D. r: D8 \# d  SIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
8 A: U) E' h$ O) ~3 ^then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
0 ~5 w- m( A. C1 |  f0 \Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.. b. |* Q" [5 ?, Z) [
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.  u' g  R& D- X) |. W
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
, ], Q0 K9 k0 M1 y0 P* Kthen I will have all care and ardor., w3 J, ?# z# ~2 K4 ]8 Q4 G
Shall we walk arm in arm?
& W0 N! b3 z7 Z2 E呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
( H  n* |, Y" u. K5 E8 vLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& u, ?  f' n" p& c  n. U5 d- _8 AI am still the same person of yesterday.
* {6 n8 r% j8 UUnchanged name, unchanged I.& I, I: R9 d; j
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. + P' H8 E. ~" L! b; X% o5 k' V
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.; x% n" c/ x) N! P* r
More or less,
. C( |) M: d* v9 e a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.& j) q- U( r  ]! R, {1 P

2 |! |( L' h1 ~# `  {- p: VSummer easily slips away
4 g$ o4 |! A! Q" m' i/ CThose long lost hot nights4 X9 ]# K/ y5 n3 ^4 ]5 y5 o
can only be found in the old days. 1 d5 c2 ]7 I6 `. W
( F9 e+ ~  g4 X0 c9 E
Cats jumping over the window sills, - p/ @$ V. V' Z
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
) |$ E; l: n! v) m4 e' gGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; @+ k! l) a& C+ cLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ ~* s  `% N: @1 Q: n. e; z' C
I am still the same person of yesterday.- _; b- r- i4 I# ^) O$ I
Unchanged name, unchange ...
# r- I5 Z! f3 J* O2 [% P* t6 m% O
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 0 H! S( c% F  L& h/ h9 R$ o4 b
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.: P5 ?4 W8 M: P( C$ {
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
# r2 _; M4 f0 W* U" NI am still the same person of yesterday.
6 B; U. F4 e( V* u- uUnchanged name, unchange ...

6 F; M$ P' `2 }  Wi like it.
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