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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
! ~$ T, c9 s$ s,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
1 \: x3 H1 k& y& E, \! K零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
) l4 b1 O7 ~: j$ x5 p4 Z! f现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.% B3 C9 Q) _3 J/ ~' |
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
" f% W6 w: o& W' w! F2 N眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.* w0 X% i  z* P: B; N/ K
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.! e" R# S, ~# i7 U6 U& S( Z  M2 I
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
4 ?8 A  W' J$ C4 ~/ b就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.2 A; J0 w) z& T
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 z8 a6 R$ |' Z/ B$ x那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
% G4 d- |5 l$ _; E& ^6 j& I世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
  Q' E( _. Z0 {$ g, c6 M昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.8 B# n  [2 s/ ]! i* z! i1 {
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.4 J% ]4 [0 Q; X; M' n7 E7 g3 E! }$ B
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
" o  ?2 s1 |) u/ L' ~寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
0 a5 u2 x8 p5 Z% o8 ?; ^8 x醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
: o  ]% B3 e' x# W8 i9 L: H迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
" @! D0 G8 K1 x3 Q/ v. j6 `- S& M最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.) t4 U$ y& {$ H2 Y
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
. e; m: n4 C6 P# p' ZWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
8 J5 L7 |6 r+ E* w4 j/ `多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously+ p% E, W8 E' n. T; O+ g4 R* A8 g
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
1 N2 B. b  Z8 A- K; W多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
2 U6 \* W9 Z& t& V1 i5 i& D  [为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
! |8 H, H2 W' g3 K( K  t多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
2 u/ i9 r, U4 y- ?8 W, M永难平息的泪
, }  M* F. p+ h4 [0 S/ o& T" [1 _每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes% y# }5 Y6 R% |. K
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
! w6 n8 u, @; f+ c- i! I6 T( I当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
0 x; L# @) g, c5 `- l让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,0 C" f5 T0 ]# Q+ c. m; Y$ F
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
* h( Q4 H; c# n3 a+ m/ U) N) }一抹微笑;4 ?) B: K" y" X0 R
一个手势;
" }4 x- i8 f2 w5 Y1 d一片话语,+ G% i+ X% e" [7 J4 M  X
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
, ]8 n: {5 ]1 |  N明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
+ r, G- @/ Q, ]% e6 c6 x  T$ y7 O& e心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
; X$ D- x( m; V+ h这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
( p; Q. l1 `8 _4 U0 q也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
& Y% k: e( ]% [$ t起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,: K! W" S4 D* D+ s
我并不以为然。
# {1 a1 A8 t! C可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 3 r9 I, Y( y+ [+ q
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
; B% _" `0 b* ~6 Y- Y- o# s被一种情绪所左右,& ~: P( R5 r7 a* \4 @/ V
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
$ l. |3 z5 m5 `2 O' \! s- X即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
* T5 ^0 R; r0 p; t! n# O也不问我是否喜欢你,  s7 ?' Y( _. V4 H: d+ C4 f
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
% d! r7 _# q; p3 k只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you7 D2 l) _% b' m9 w
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you0 Z: }& }% Q2 X
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil1 m) d' h( ]  T8 y6 r
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 1 T" }) ~4 z5 S  L
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
; J, n4 |% ]9 p/ K4 K+ f# Q' s2 n记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
2 ]( \; f3 S" G: V, A" a. w% I( W0 H你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! # E+ C, F6 [0 k: Q9 N9 b% F
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
% B% z/ ^% {, J6 p! a! b7 A哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
7 ~3 T7 e) g8 M) b+ ?. a一种声音,and your voice
1 {  C, H* b3 I也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
9 Q0 J/ D% d5 G- C掺杂著幸福的感觉。
' V  @, s: k9 h( S与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land- t+ G' `8 K( I% r% S; |: ~2 R
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
0 ]2 l3 O# q5 A9 H2 M倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.% j6 e3 x. ~6 q( v. w
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。& n" U0 ]6 h. }& V
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss1 ?3 \0 V, A! j1 t& K% j, @( p- _
有一个能够让思念的人,
! b, ~2 u  l* P( G9 e- Y其实也是一种幸福。' \! @4 p; I& O9 h! H. y
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
9 s/ E/ t: i$ T2 K, b; p% B柔柔的海风,
8 D; a8 v- i$ j甜甜的夏天。1 M/ c; Q" k, W  P& A0 p# p. i6 N
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
4 L; z  }! \! Y4 c# E; B只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly." u- I+ M- p0 u$ e0 b( k
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.' A; T! E; V& x0 U2 [" @
想和你有共同的情结,
0 F6 v$ d( o; @5 i9 u7 A共同的心愿。
' w; [+ ?! P4 `# G; K+ d1 N! z  p$ Y0 G3 F1 {+ B

: b5 S& K, H$ Q  l+ A好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
* h. ~/ i9 F# l一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
6 S4 E+ m/ P$ @' N. n或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
: t$ P: ]+ p6 j2 N/ r! h# Q$ S: Z) T) n或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.1 o  r6 ~3 O3 q) J7 R" e
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
% `* J# z4 a1 E' _9 g. ?: C5 N我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, " W2 @/ w. b1 ^# ~
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
3 f' a0 O: \5 ^/ L, ?6 `" J或是轻轻的一吻,; l, h  z. _/ f1 ]6 D
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』$ A3 P) ^8 O% O: j
就足够了. That is enough.2 @6 U) g, X; ]* q7 l1 l
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
( I. N0 M; r4 j' d终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.* q; ~+ q1 ]" v/ H4 _
萌出了芽,
. g+ b( o# @# _+ n一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
; T' K* W, z! q0 q* |( K  E浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
0 K; \# J* f8 E6 i9 f. s如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand5 T. V; m7 }' Q. O2 B4 Z. W
能够牵著你的手,1 L4 r: N: t+ c% Y, z5 o
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.7 q! f0 R" e* r' `( f
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. $ q( K& Q9 n- E' V! i) o
慢慢地细读,) L6 Y4 a6 D) G2 q
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
2 s' f& U9 ]+ F在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me , m: R( E3 Q# H
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 8 w; j' M8 R: ^1 C$ ?9 {6 `! y" X
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:; _) C; ^/ h5 l& L
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago  h5 N+ F6 e8 N1 o
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.( L# W2 n0 }4 J& Y
change to:lacked
; n+ O& f! |9 G* d0 f猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
8 o* U& {! D* ]$ }% Q5 h6 nCats often played at the whole hot night., R6 m5 _5 S# P7 R+ J1 X1 \# k
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
9 ], H/ x( V& H0 z. x) _) [改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer., \8 b! }! S3 j  [% C7 C' D
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 1 Y, J$ I6 ?: T7 O* `
该为:throughyour hands.
5 i, e1 ?# y3 T0 n还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
9 \8 _2 V( D# _不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
3 t8 k4 N# n6 P" ~4 E- O  Y1 w至少比我强。
( r7 r7 Y/ D# B; t偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... - @6 g: P# p! s* u7 O$ q- p
( l5 ^$ ]0 s8 P& u. U8 p
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
: r$ ~  T% c  m. n. e, J" x: G. m后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
5 W! i9 C- U* M- v1 a谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.- ?! O7 L% B4 @% c/ I$ t" a1 a: n
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
) c9 w# B, L1 b- b5 rEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.5 Q0 [1 a+ v: U8 b+ F. A2 @5 _
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
: k( U8 e" o3 s. L/ A Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name." z* |$ z8 H) Q6 p) \
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.  R4 l8 `9 ]8 L+ X4 W5 L0 U
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.& D" X: |8 a  p+ M' Z# ^" l# X* X
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
9 n  V+ g8 u. Y8 a3 p- ?# k$ KCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
" f: N6 L! S1 \, D5 slike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
2 a( |* g  @2 {- P6 X* eI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
  x% A) i# ]6 O6 @5 e( ?. T, e: cThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
1 S! Y8 m7 e7 w& d) ]That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
) t$ {$ l1 ~4 ?( o) ?! I, A' bI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
% y! K+ ^9 }7 ^# k# u+ YI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
( L$ g, q% `8 l. n, ^! @In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?& C4 C9 T5 _% g+ v1 s  i
Intoxicated then feel cold,
& I9 s3 \, x9 a0 u8 qthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
% j& L9 _5 V$ B) b$ i' pI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.' R5 ~0 V+ Q! \
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?6 d7 R5 ^# U7 [* m
Why I am always hoodwinked!! K3 S* S  U* N8 y
I have told myself many times cautiously
  v/ M8 P  X; @# y' W* S: [6 wdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.! Z# K2 G2 d- f5 p( S; C# U" }
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation." J# b5 b, \$ X
Why can`t I take it easy?
! `" ^. y0 y1 d3 i4 ]1 u+ }How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
3 Q$ a- [6 [1 l. YWhen the quiet night comes3 f" `' {- P3 R. M$ f
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.$ Y* i) @9 Y) V# a. T. C
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
, Z, _2 C8 o1 N  qYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
$ z+ e7 H- |3 N1 \; }8 vlight the dark corner in my mind.1 X, l* T0 P$ T+ ~/ u
I feel a bit of cozy.
; K: E, t! a: v' F# d. _+ Q& N) @The deep attached to you in a twinkling
. t' _4 P6 Q, J5 P9 Q( q# C$ u8 Pmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.5 ?+ J( M. X+ u' `# E( Y' {1 F
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
' a5 M* G: r% Q9 `& Hbut accompanying with the time passed
' J: M' F2 x: Q' C7 D& UI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
6 w) K: [3 \* A$ p; M% Qalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
9 n5 p& c, h* o, E+ HWithout asking if you like me or if I like you" l5 N8 D3 y1 a5 o$ T
only feel gracious for your existing,
, w  I- \/ N7 }9 O; Q( [onlt want to do something for you.
! C: H5 L. T/ L) c7 t& K0 EEvery time when you meet me" D. F" S+ A# D$ w( |2 k+ V
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
" T/ U( }- s% J7 Z3 a* obut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
6 A, J  r7 R! l1 w# ]' e/ XThat live in my heart.$ t& b4 u" x! V0 D; y! _
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?( y; l" J. _4 Q8 ~( O
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
: s) N9 `3 S& Y* Rmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
/ |, l# j' I5 U% x  PThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
) }8 b3 g/ K" osuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.# S- \! L* f& J. X( K# T% h
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,2 {5 g, K- z" Y
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
' i% G+ t) ?  LSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 8 E# S8 _) O- `4 x# K. ]
only waiting for you quietly
- b% Y6 |7 P/ E' H1 L; w* v7 n" hjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.- y8 W+ ?& _1 X: V, t
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
8 E8 }! r5 e( ], Cand enjoy the rain washing together1 M( O& _7 t1 A9 Y
or rush to a film* |+ V, t& K& x! a" [% ?7 ~. z8 ]
or listen to a music quietly.7 d) I  z/ F) [4 A. l9 n) m' J
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
) d; I' c$ u8 z2 t/ Z7 dIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,$ `# j( X1 t5 h7 M' ?: R; P
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".; A4 N3 _4 r4 l. X
That is enough.
0 K/ N- [% m" ^! q* mMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,6 y5 a$ p( }+ q4 U' K5 V
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,  s- o" \7 `8 M. p
the same as my missing.
" o6 @0 s' [; rIt comes a little bit of verdure.
5 f; D: l$ F$ Z7 l7 I" \If, If some day I can touch your hand,
* d& M* |$ @2 m5 b* i9 k! V- i5 pthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely./ e7 J  c1 a  j% `# C2 V" r  L8 B, H
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.: D* p2 `) L" k* V2 J5 _9 `
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
$ [# u4 N% o1 TAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
% P. K1 {; K! D' R* X5 ]6 g% kthen I will have all care and ardor.4 J8 l6 \- r; I% |' Z/ k7 J
Shall we walk arm in arm?9 A7 F- B" Q* z; W. N% m
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
8 k6 f3 ^( k: }! CLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' w3 E, H+ U  V2 a* Y3 ?4 z/ \
I am still the same person of yesterday.) S/ Q5 S8 \+ v
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
  e- {& X; v8 }4 W. h( mSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
, W- q3 n, e4 K9 D0 L6 FLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
$ ^3 Q' K0 }; U  H- D; KMore or less,
8 a* O$ p7 p3 L3 o1 f2 H5 I3 _ a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
" j4 l/ ]" P5 p, t2 r% v7 W7 @
! B, R3 @/ k( HSummer easily slips away/ \7 O' d; z4 u4 T/ P" [! T& _/ ?$ z
Those long lost hot nights. U5 K3 v6 e$ v0 [& X! R
can only be found in the old days. : @( ?. i' x$ K) ~, W

' M( m2 R7 s( n9 y1 R- b& o" jCats jumping over the window sills, 1 {0 b- k: M* m* P4 e
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
) `- ~% q5 `# e* k7 ZGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% L. Z  R- F+ S' ELeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
; p# i% m; s& l: V, Z8 rI am still the same person of yesterday.
+ v" m# Z2 d) j; D% XUnchanged name, unchange ...

2 k2 n3 V. C' i+ V2 G5 S6 {0 k" [9 y: W
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
3 s% {# s8 d# s8 u# gGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
9 n( y8 O0 ^. ]9 rLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
$ e$ i" V  @6 W  F- dI am still the same person of yesterday.
$ |# D9 I) T* |. ^4 Q% `6 xUnchanged name, unchange ...

# q+ b2 B/ V" d2 H* Fi like it.
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