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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
+ y; k1 m. N0 |* A3 F' u! H,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  : d) o! ~( C. b, @0 ~/ \
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . : ~- \: p: J" \& s' q8 T- e
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.4 p6 i$ U# C+ x$ K8 [8 \4 D. F
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
) ]0 V9 `' B; k0 s* D9 _% U! X5 o眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
. g( j- ?! x. }- k夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.( ~5 t0 m7 F2 }; f. s2 F7 r( W
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
* H# [* |  f1 S7 [* M. U- P$ j& i* |就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
% W$ L1 V6 J* z6 v( b4 _! \我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
9 E. Z& S5 p* t! t+ M4 N那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。* J$ l) T; H; h/ U8 B
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.# Z9 n5 r2 O4 f( X9 s% S
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
$ U9 o, K0 R* h: S$ Y2 ?( J# I1 p想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
: {$ `9 y2 B  K- X' k) W最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
: \& k: H6 H% K; k: g, N, v寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
8 a4 a6 E: p! r1 T' j/ l- X- u" U醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.! n3 ~7 ~, z; i# r4 o7 {
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.' b% {$ p/ Q# s
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.% V- ?8 h2 ~1 [8 K
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
3 X. d2 X5 D8 h" DWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….* w8 ?: v4 |. Z- [& Z' P
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
5 n2 ~0 F- o# ^4 B, `7 j4 h不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
) {# }5 }. x+ P# p9 r多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, ( k; Q( ~3 M1 O* R' ~
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
( Q6 r% H3 y. L多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!1 V$ S# t; @7 }! p
永难平息的泪0 q( V  Y6 C! w5 s
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
& f, c1 Y0 Y5 Y~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes./ C% a, G) I/ t3 M0 _' \
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.8 W7 F- p- i* F' {$ _6 I" Q% L
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,1 u% ?% ]6 [- [
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
1 b: T  A6 ?; x4 ]3 Q# e一抹微笑;
* N8 a- H; }; C一个手势;
( ?6 ^0 X' X2 F4 [: r一片话语,
. [( A8 d8 {5 \  y愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
0 p% P' i0 l0 I5 L明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner% ^& S% H  ^( i$ t3 [2 x, y
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.% D7 `: \2 @; u( E: G" G3 B% h6 Y
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
* A" t" _+ C) B0 k8 Z1 b+ _; u也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
# ?/ f) U3 s5 h: O% G! S7 }; ~* _& T3 w9 r起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,# ^6 E; ^2 t4 |3 @& m; A- d; h
我并不以为然。4 B1 x: @! a! @$ K' {
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
* O0 s$ V+ e9 L) M. r慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .1 s! \9 m) m2 Q
被一种情绪所左右,* b' m4 O0 Q; p9 T4 y
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
2 r0 A+ H$ `: o# o/ l$ w" o9 k即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
& ?5 ~: ]" U0 m也不问我是否喜欢你,1 @6 l& I5 q3 h
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
, K9 }( ?1 [! c5 X$ d- J! K7 A只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
9 g" z5 f2 G) K: C: s3 ]$ Y  [3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
9 {9 Q; @$ h+ b/ j! i心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil( h; N$ ]" q1 X8 {; L3 J
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
9 G( q! D5 U3 d2 T你的身影已化成一种氛围,. \+ q/ B- u$ P8 D) X: T. F
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.$ n) F# O8 X  Z( |% w) @5 t! y
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! * w( Z: C$ O6 q: p
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字. u! M0 t. D7 T. Y4 K! f" w/ F
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
" v; f+ A7 K. ?4 I( B! m) h+ X4 T一种声音,and your voice
& ?0 ?6 V+ {7 w* T1 K! g  _& O$ S$ J( G也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
/ _9 y' H* @% ^3 ?1 D( i# o掺杂著幸福的感觉。% W0 v9 e* f. d
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land0 v( s2 b$ U% g) E3 U5 u
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
, C6 D7 U! B3 D, ^/ ?' K倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
7 r! i, y+ d! E$ q! y! j纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。1 s: S  R) }% g- Z% `
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
% K! c' b' {. W7 F3 o$ s5 }1 ^有一个能够让思念的人,
% l  h' H% K3 w其实也是一种幸福。5 Y' t5 D) r  S" f0 }
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
1 H( A) ~6 U  I6 T% Z- \柔柔的海风,
& n/ v! p  _2 s3 I( X" P- P甜甜的夏天。$ i+ Z% w# R  p2 J6 v; m
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
: @$ I4 B! J' T3 W% `  a( L只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
, `( h; c2 B. B0 Z  `+ m8 n仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
: T- @. j2 b; m$ T" L( H想和你有共同的情结,
% t6 ?/ L* D5 b# ?共同的心愿。5 W; y7 q" F2 M, J
1 e5 [; V; Z) |1 M! z! U9 N
, z$ P* h! ]# o
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
$ R$ Y. F+ A2 U3 ^8 A一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together# P& v. @6 u; i
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
- I& T% ?: D" r# W$ E或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.$ e7 e1 s' a5 e  J, \9 |& e( L, k
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
9 ?8 {3 F0 V. _- w4 y* O我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
4 P* g! L0 M  A; L2 |" ?3 w7 v浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
' d# ]0 S1 h4 X4 @! ?' v0 v7 M或是轻轻的一吻,1 a: m1 T5 g" @0 C
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』3 c' K/ e" V2 V( B( H. u
就足够了. That is enough.8 l% b4 B& e+ Q( L( n( `3 Z: e
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
& F" J" r/ I5 F! e终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.6 f# x/ t2 v# C
萌出了芽,' j: t! }* O$ r) v) H+ }
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing! M( y! I0 y0 W: I# y
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
7 Q' F* ]3 A2 b9 a8 ]如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand- B7 N4 s. z# e0 Z/ \
能够牵著你的手,
- {% t+ g& `1 E1 ~7 P# H. U. }. \那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
1 L# K( K5 I: W3 f; t让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
( N" i% o6 t! o9 F6 t( J" ]慢慢地细读,
2 g/ ^7 l: X& u, T4 `; v4 A2 v( U我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
+ B" C0 D) [5 o1 d/ h* P, J在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
- M& Z0 U* I  L% U0 C3 y$ |我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor & X7 d- T7 q' Z, u' d9 q- F$ Y( q- a
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:; Q! l& h$ X+ |7 z- \1 A" J! a& k
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago0 D$ ?2 b& Y7 ]8 k8 C8 t
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.  Q) x5 o& X! h
change to:lacked
* q; n* M$ a  ~* g& m猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.; g8 z  H% K, o6 ?" @
Cats often played at the whole hot night.: n- P7 `/ G; e) s
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
% ~$ r2 w) d$ m" s, H/ z, K改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.3 n" Z8 c9 R1 z8 F- O5 r" d5 v
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
2 p: v) c: e9 b* J' W该为:throughyour hands.9 b, d, Y# H4 F
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。. T& g& p7 m. O0 y7 U1 o) ~
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。0 }. D8 a7 `8 E* o
至少比我强。1 @4 g# O2 X1 X
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
! U  L/ w. a& }" [0 _$ x% T
9 p, w* x- V2 n( j/ ?这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。& G  I  h& f' v0 L  Y( f% ?/ y
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
. x' F$ f. [+ Q4 \2 ~谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
8 C* ~0 g7 B, B/ C- n前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:; ~/ o: r  G! I- e7 f
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
/ j' o) _$ s3 _+ E) z, PPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.0 S; e3 K0 u( M8 V- q/ ?  n- T2 ?  D
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
' _% |- {6 M- k  l; O% _The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
; x) G7 E2 `4 t+ \) sSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
( D, K  r/ v; b7 VSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
/ c: a; @' U/ q( v. _" M  W# SCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool + x) ]5 T( b9 s: @$ g, X
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
! S* S0 t# x. G; S! @( s" ^" T" YI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
$ }4 J! u$ }* [8 f; @3 a/ vThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.6 Q* X. o* k) O; ~: Y
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
* c, u( D) w3 C. [I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
) z2 `5 l/ G" ?! g8 W8 t5 Y6 }) o5 XI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.* e1 d* |& I& z$ F
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?' p# Y8 R" r, X3 x2 k
Intoxicated then feel cold,) C" z2 s* J' g3 U0 G
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
) k9 M: W/ H0 F$ _0 I. J8 \# {2 V; KI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.9 c+ k6 n6 R% m, Z5 u  B
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
1 k9 b& v- f% _" [  _Why I am always hoodwinked!
- o; {0 S" l% n6 B: ]0 UI have told myself many times cautiously , P9 b+ n  i  q+ b1 e; t% J5 s
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
% J: R" @4 z# `- O3 \" \1 G) xThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.: k/ P5 V. o; \0 g* Y
Why can`t I take it easy?* p/ c0 L, ^  ^( d4 v
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
4 D- L% v5 W6 L3 \& FWhen the quiet night comes0 _2 c) r, R: l/ q# m$ B8 e
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
0 |, `! D9 @+ ~2 t: ZThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.5 ?1 Q, ~! l. P+ h" d
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
' b8 N8 o# t- \( G' Xlight the dark corner in my mind.
/ B% q. a$ c& Y# x5 z  BI feel a bit of cozy.
6 d  j1 N& N  }9 ~7 M% z6 HThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
  m7 a) W6 ?3 Q# Y# }1 z0 pmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
+ ?2 ], [2 ]+ {/ i' b3 EI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
! j7 u8 l- N( hbut accompanying with the time passed1 R2 W; G( Y: F- q( u3 W
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
  v/ a8 R! q. y- zalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
3 q7 r0 W8 C+ x1 e+ HWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
, T) o* R* C8 M8 aonly feel gracious for your existing,2 y4 H. |7 U/ a8 J# s. }' @8 F3 S
onlt want to do something for you.
! p- N( x9 @& Y7 z  XEvery time when you meet me0 k6 @: h$ H3 q6 ?
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,; ^5 y7 l) Z8 Z* R$ Q1 {
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere) W: K! N; w- c2 B: ~
That live in my heart.
$ A0 }: E8 G0 _  _+ r5 c# I( l/ b* cDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
( r7 U! @8 |6 I. E# D8 @8 [2 |Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice5 a# p' L" ~0 Z) ?( M$ P: q- F4 _
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
/ A0 ^/ D# J0 D6 d- nThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land, x, `/ K5 R& z/ p& D
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.: d( l/ W& Q; g. _9 [5 r( D
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,) v9 {! U% h# P5 j
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
; e/ b- }- x; k! DSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
* R, G7 ?; O/ C- Aonly waiting for you quietly, `7 y# j% j" e; G5 T) v
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
/ G0 M$ g' j+ f% F+ F; [I really want to ramble in the small rain with you 0 [0 r0 S" k7 r) g
and enjoy the rain washing together
2 [1 b+ u" r$ F7 k- y5 vor rush to a film
# c% ?* Q6 y3 z) Z6 r. vor listen to a music quietly.( D- D/ G. H6 O! ~& W6 y
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
, a( }# S' v+ V2 SIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
1 R9 H7 I$ n4 R& Q  e0 i6 o, B' k. qsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".) M% @/ ]! M) k; Z
That is enough.  [4 E' W. [* v$ I
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
5 o5 h2 d+ W% p# Q: O' L( g* h# k' yfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,- f( f' W  K8 B* y0 u- V
the same as my missing.
9 F% t- C+ y: O- nIt comes a little bit of verdure., @8 ~5 u" ?; h- ^9 W0 U: _* ]
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
4 R. Q* Z# m5 s. w# _then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
) C6 l0 B) z8 P/ A0 W- o  CLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
2 {) E  _! E; p* T- hI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.+ _/ q. }2 B  M; _$ O0 {  G
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
5 K9 x' k0 l. _then I will have all care and ardor.
' C- s( H- J: \, m: N) FShall we walk arm in arm?0 I+ u) o% X- n; U! j1 |6 |
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
5 _2 i( e! V; h; d9 Z6 @3 h5 lLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.1 ]& l3 J) J: w! \
I am still the same person of yesterday.
- F( Z: y! k6 b6 IUnchanged name, unchanged I.& q% }, \; W6 I  y) W
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. , u' A$ q" p8 b2 _
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
% M4 T! _1 g1 _# }9 ?2 cMore or less,
4 _9 E/ p0 |( P# ^1 q( q; x a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
8 L! G: E' }7 b1 d- E" L  e
" w8 d1 @9 R1 i$ ESummer easily slips away  L, z) P  [/ l8 Z* j/ O4 K
Those long lost hot nights9 ?' `% y. e% \3 n
can only be found in the old days.
  q* ~  o3 }! c0 {' {2 J+ O+ E% C7 [! ^: B6 }. H  a! n, H
Cats jumping over the window sills,
/ `2 W% G3 E$ K  d$ v# Xchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
9 {+ o6 J# R8 B! r$ eGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light." r" w% d9 U: n7 Z" n0 b
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
3 A, \: F$ d# ~' P" j/ _I am still the same person of yesterday.
3 U6 e: |  O+ A8 o; }Unchanged name, unchange ...
9 L; @* C5 X+ [) y1 u0 X+ \7 b
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
, H! F7 i# o: w; @) R! ]6 |9 W6 VGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ s2 ^( W3 X! {$ z6 C
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- Y. |( J0 \; |* C, i0 U/ }I am still the same person of yesterday.- }6 o# l+ \0 o
Unchanged name, unchange ...

* `  V* J, d$ p$ Y: j/ }i like it.
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