<慢慢地想起你>的试译

常华 · 发表于 2008-1-30 21:56

有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
,.清晨，急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
零星树叶的飘落，松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
现在的我，一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
梳相同的发型，背同样的背囊，不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽，又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
夏天过得那麽快，我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉，追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
就像多年以前的我们，似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天，I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'    ….
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
永难平息的泪
每当夜深人静时，When the quiet night comes
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动，
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
一抹微笑；
一个手势；
一片话语，
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
明亮著我漆黑的角落，The moon lights the dark corner
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
这一瞬的爱恋，The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
起初，对你的出现，I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
我并不以为然。
可随著时间的流失，but accompanying with the time passed
慢慢的不知不觉中，I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
被一种情绪所左右，
总感到一种难以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
即不问你是否喜欢我，Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
也不问我是否喜欢你，
对你的存在只感到亲切，only feel gracious for your existing.
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
3每次有意无意的遇到你，every time when I meet you
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
然而我真真切切地知道，but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
你的身影已化成一种氛围，
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
你知道吗？Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud，
一种声音，and your voice
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
与你相识的那一幕幕，the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
象雪花般撒落在我的心田，
倾刻间，suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
你知道吗？Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
有一个能够让思念的人，
其实也是一种幸福。
尤其是在这样的日子，especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
柔柔的海风，
甜甜的夏天。
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁，Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
只是静静地等待你的身影，only waiting for you quietly.
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人，Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
想和你有共同的情结，
共同的心愿。

好想与你在细雨中漫步，I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
一同感受著春雨的洒脱，and to enjoy the rain washing together
或是赶著看一场电影；or rush to a film
或是静静地聆听一首曲子，or listen to a music quietly.
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
我们相拥旋舞，然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
浅浅一笑，smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
或是轻轻的一吻，
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
就足够了. That is enough.
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子，Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根，finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
萌出了芽，
一如对你的思念，the same as my missing
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
如果，如果有一天，If , if some day I can touch of your hand
能够牵著你的手,
那麽，我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里，then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
让你细细地触摸，Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
慢慢地细读，
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬，At the moment you reach out your hands to me
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱，then I will have all care and ardor
就让我牵一次你的手，好吗？Let us walk arm in arm , OK?

常华 · 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18

有几个地方要纠正一下:
现在的我，一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽，又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
change to:lacked
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉，追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天，I often cherish the memory of the summer and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
该为:throughyour hands.
还没检查完,下一次再改.

三思 · 发表于 2008-1-31 23:51

挺好！就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好

莫迭儿 · 发表于 2008-2-1 00:06

太直。意境没有了。
不过，LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
至少比我强。
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....

这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的，清新的。
后面每段也还好，就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。

常华 · 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00

我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
谢谢三思的鲜花.

常华 · 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26

每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
Intoxicated then feel cold,
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
Why I am always hoodwinked!
I have told myself many times cautiously
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
Why can`t I take it easy?
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
When the quiet night comes
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
light the dark corner in my mind.
I feel a bit of cozy.
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
but accompanying with the time passed
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
only feel gracious for your existing,
onlt want to do something for you.
Every time when you meet me
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
That live in my heart.
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
only waiting for you quietly
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
and enjoy the rain washing together
or rush to a film
or listen to a music quietly.
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
That is enough.
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
the same as my missing.
It comes a little bit of verdure.
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
then I will have all care and ardor.
Shall we walk arm in arm?
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.

常华 · 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28

费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.

常华 · 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46

很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.

常华 · 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43

谢谢加精!

Matrix · 发表于 2008-2-5 15:28

Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
I am still the same person of yesterday.
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
More or less,
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.

Summer easily slips away
Those long lost hot nights
can only be found in the old days.

Cats jumping over the window sills,
chasing around in the breeziness.

9527 · 发表于 2008-2-5 16:15

原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( V9 A4 ~6 Y& j) f7 \8 RGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
1 H: d' l0 d% s! D N4 p$ hLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
/ M' h: c9 L4 B8 T# vI am still the same person of yesterday.
' K5 ?! {5 [; q$ rUnchanged name, unchange ...

小财神 · 发表于 2008-2-5 23:12

原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 9 u: ?! S; k) T
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% j8 v9 f- J4 I2 w D& KLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
2 R1 x c! C6 _2 WI am still the same person of yesterday." d- `' C) t/ K; U$ H
Unchanged name, unchange ...

i like it.

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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

I like your poem, here comes mine.