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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,6 M- k' }) N- I0 f- j: {3 a( d
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
( e% A3 F1 Q" T4 |$ h零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
) h4 h8 a8 `# I! G现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.  C; ~4 O7 a7 p
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
; Z- b) n/ I* g! W$ W, ?3 X眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
; h: M. _' ?; V6 f1 f3 d/ ?3 f夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
+ U) Y# k9 [' W) d( Z' V' N猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.$ V$ x/ r2 i" T- j2 g6 c0 \" @
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
2 J* }5 _' B6 `我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及' y5 _& P9 V( k* F% u
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
& ?# |& W; {/ b3 ~, A  q' S世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
: I6 r( p( q# q+ r' D  |9 Q昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
/ Z4 N6 l4 w0 M3 w' W1 {' o5 K想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.3 o' J% b1 [. i. p8 U* P1 X
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
( D. M2 f3 j% T. P1 E- |) R: ~寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
$ X; k' @: j/ h0 h  P醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
- f. d1 S  i  d+ q# A3 m/ P7 z$ }迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.; i! I# U  ~9 R
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.' ~( Q8 |& z7 b: f5 x9 x
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
1 }% ]) P- O8 J3 F2 n/ oWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….' {" d6 o" N6 X. `& b
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
# L9 A  F. C. E' q" }不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
) b. i$ R& i" H; y5 H% H多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 4 K8 r, }& J6 Q2 u( E9 k. r
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
; g7 }/ {) n8 l/ z: v' J多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!0 f8 B# g3 d" ~$ U# `. G
永难平息的泪
' n. j% n/ \$ ^, T9 _每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes$ F# G$ W5 \/ P% [* L
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.& x/ q& m' ~: c
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
; M  M# i8 @: G$ z6 p8 t让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
  u% O8 c2 q8 A* i你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 7 Z5 {' k" R) _3 W
一抹微笑;
' X% I! r7 H8 T; @5 L0 o7 g一个手势;
# c# @4 q& x# o8 t) N  ^一片话语,
. ~1 ~( m+ R8 A3 y愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、9 S% R8 o& k' ^& j/ I
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner( v) V" V, X; K& N2 R7 N
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
7 z2 R/ J4 o) X5 V这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
9 Q/ @! c6 P7 a0 j4 W5 j也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
; t2 b. W# k' ^2 L, x: w' j) ]$ }起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,; U3 o. y6 `3 I& E5 H
我并不以为然。8 R" ~# t6 Y  {6 b/ H" `% A
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
4 s9 _# F" _' Y慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
, T$ r( c7 l+ l& C被一种情绪所左右,
9 t- W" `9 E* M3 ]( X+ j1 D: g总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .* g3 H' a% H4 r
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you7 S( m" x+ e! j0 u( c9 r! a+ z
也不问我是否喜欢你,
7 K% N1 P1 m3 U) u9 a+ u! W. I* @对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing." u4 e, g; m: m! C( |3 G
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you5 R0 \+ C2 e' I7 p" V% l& \
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you! F. p' M9 T8 }4 f2 z% w
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
, V1 ~* ?) U" I' ~" r/ k( K8 O然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
0 h' l2 {% L% t( p' g你的身影已化成一种氛围,
+ z! ]+ F* L' N- V记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.2 B% r* g  b% a: C4 G
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
1 }9 g  S0 O: q, h+ E* E随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字( \) F$ ]; C# x/ e% T
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,) v7 O& c9 ]* A/ D  \
一种声音,and your voice! H% q6 V/ n) _: W/ j3 @$ r
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
5 u  p7 @6 Q; ?+ A5 u3 X3 e0 Y掺杂著幸福的感觉。( p( L! n0 k1 o& |' b
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
) W% s$ H: I9 f+ Z3 j8 ]6 h: P象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
1 C0 M; Z6 P0 z$ y7 F倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.3 t9 F6 c+ e3 z: H& y& _
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。8 E) F* i3 i6 z5 n  d
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss* ]  V+ a4 p$ `2 g; I- w% a' V. h
有一个能够让思念的人,; Z% N# I& s8 m+ O/ K
其实也是一种幸福。, r7 e1 X5 u* l9 L
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. , j6 Q# l: Q. w' l, z4 a2 P4 X! H
柔柔的海风,
2 C1 u$ s! r9 ~5 f( r- w甜甜的夏天。
4 q/ g5 {5 q0 r" m. {4 [9 d+ {: w: J5 i一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" L4 t- C$ Q6 N只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
( e4 I# i0 b/ M. F0 }+ X, ^7 l仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
$ i  I. d: J8 x, R想和你有共同的情结,
. k$ z( b! Y  s) [; D+ c  `1 ~7 {共同的心愿。
5 S; g7 j; H2 Q+ v* a$ i4 W( r) ^8 n) {

4 Q2 d* ~- N0 }1 G3 e1 ]/ k- J0 d好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you+ J6 n0 q2 X$ T9 Z  K$ C+ e
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
( W( G: b& t6 |( {3 x2 {或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film . Y. i4 U; l1 F$ _4 D
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.1 \6 l4 k$ g4 h/ {' O
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
- K5 z/ g( ?2 o2 N) E我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
9 U0 ~4 u! H4 H% e' z+ Z浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”9 L" t0 K" `& ~- t" v
或是轻轻的一吻,
* {* D1 z, g  q! J9 s( {$ c- ]再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』: k* @1 }  ~1 l- z9 Y$ i
就足够了. That is enough.3 G: x' h8 N: T/ {5 O# |
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
; V& J( G+ _- H9 `& h% V. T1 V终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
: `' R$ m- A8 t4 B7 `5 K' N萌出了芽,9 M4 b( P  d# W# z$ E
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing5 e: {) A  j9 i% T9 c. R. z" S* }
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
' x/ ?' J! X0 ?8 L( E6 U# u如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand" R( f5 g% S% o' m; Q: w* {4 ^+ C
能够牵著你的手,5 b- y4 a+ ]0 k* b6 c# Y( l
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
3 z% H# H. |! S% H. b! @5 n让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 4 u; W/ P$ _* p  q: s
慢慢地细读,
2 k* K* S! g( {/ I我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. # h0 q" N& r! H0 q
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ; ]* ~% _. z/ b$ B4 k9 z7 Y% J; V
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor   |# `! S6 V, u
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
( Y5 ]" Y% K2 X! D, r8 @. C现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
+ K/ x' Y2 P' z1 q+ {眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.) }; z; W0 X1 b
change to:lacked
/ c  u  Q5 M/ V- P9 R' t; U猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.8 Q, O3 e- X3 k8 G8 ]3 T* P
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
: A2 }0 `) `: D* N 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
8 L& {* r) p2 v% U) H5 H9 n改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
. v" e  R6 P, E4 |I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
% b6 K' S9 T& P, V% y& d该为:throughyour hands.* w3 A# c( W! s9 i4 |: O9 C
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
0 M7 E* v" t2 x8 A: ~; t- r+ R# t不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
; R. m) m, C# u4 J; ]至少比我强。
* T2 B& L9 Z  B  x; [6 ^9 r, l偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
, n: V% R4 {0 }/ R$ \6 z# P! d# k3 a; g/ @$ y
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。9 L) F6 b; j, E% ?3 o% v6 ^4 t
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
( J" o9 f6 V* Z- @$ ?. V. m) @谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.5 a$ R- p2 F8 D; g% }! V* I, O$ j
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
; @  S  i' V3 [! a4 Q) y3 V7 jEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
: R) _- y; \, o& b* S. ^Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.5 m' [9 Z, ]+ z7 W4 D- w5 ~
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
9 e0 d- D; Z9 J& oThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
0 b% A& u, v0 W; \Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.5 {, x) S1 C" f3 A, C1 s7 B
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
" C4 }1 X- m3 n2 Z! `Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ! b4 D8 R  ~1 u  r$ S: [: }3 Q+ h, d
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.; _3 ^5 M: {3 M6 @1 w7 z
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
  M4 G* W4 n: C0 g, [The emotion and the carma only is a dream.. F7 ^0 f6 [! f* o/ y4 v! y
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.+ m% U7 D- M: l, z# z
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.& t* r; j- C7 a& m' Q. l- s' k% J& g
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.* V9 E0 O+ x  V5 }7 P( H
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?- b: E! m5 Z1 Q# l
Intoxicated then feel cold,# K1 Y2 ?# \* j6 j7 \. e  |
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.9 A; h+ \9 C/ S+ C& x
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
2 F! @4 U4 t# a" @& PThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?2 Q' R8 W; w# `4 n; m- O; [9 X
Why I am always hoodwinked!& p! I! v" j3 m& z/ _5 e; w
I have told myself many times cautiously
# p0 l% V/ ^* fdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
/ y- e1 J5 H& @+ w- MThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
% s* n- v" v  @, G3 V- |Why can`t I take it easy?: H! Z) x* M. D# {  F+ {# S; ^# |# |8 ]
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!2 ~# Z8 a/ U* E; o  e
When the quiet night comes
; ?  a/ U7 w( {! L: J- Y2 byour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
5 f  X: X: }; |' E. \9 S. RThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
$ Z! P" D0 m8 x. c* t& Q5 K3 v, XYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,6 m6 u. {$ l: Q" {; F, `' T
light the dark corner in my mind.5 g  y" w2 X; g6 u
I feel a bit of cozy.
- ]( a' ^2 r, j% E- r* N2 ~The deep attached to you in a twinkling2 k+ L8 J' @/ j
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.+ v2 {, S% w3 D  o
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
# X/ G- d7 N" J7 ?8 y3 R+ h' ybut accompanying with the time passed
1 t. ?# ^# u  U3 c2 @; e7 b+ BI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,0 t& C( R; w5 F$ N9 V
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly." ?: ?) U" |; ?% ~0 c
Without asking if you like me or if I like you, l2 e7 i1 u9 n5 M' E  M: [
only feel gracious for your existing,, ]4 j9 m+ `' [5 T
onlt want to do something for you.
, n) A# [# F6 KEvery time when you meet me
  \% K$ s, s4 ]  othe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,8 m% x- s. d- _4 k( M6 M6 @
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
0 D; m# N6 x: m; }That live in my heart.5 z; Q( ?; @' X) M
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?4 R9 Z# e; L) p$ O1 h* k
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
& P  M; n9 d& c1 Tmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
' ]8 W' G! @7 [3 T9 G* DThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land( a; z' {* R0 g) i" p% E* j- J
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
4 i, ]" F8 }. {( j. pDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,' s6 c. k9 Y7 {
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
, E. \4 o( n7 b: `Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ' f" m, i4 M; g
only waiting for you quietly
3 u( d6 C+ z0 C# U6 gjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
. R( `1 o" S" iI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
( f4 h: N. h7 K3 {8 g& Kand enjoy the rain washing together
5 U$ F1 U+ W5 ]- g* Dor rush to a film
4 ]; b+ o9 c& i/ s6 g: [+ Xor listen to a music quietly.$ q+ Y, \* {6 t  q1 M# y
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?  \) d7 F4 d0 k& b5 b- I
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,6 C. Z9 \) Z% c' N0 w
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
& i6 S: l( K8 W+ ?' |5 q  z6 a7 ?That is enough.0 e9 E* z9 d# M  N& _5 i  W
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago," N0 r$ s5 v1 N
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
8 k/ ^( N: F/ W' Xthe same as my missing.
2 a5 ^  Y9 m4 l+ cIt comes a little bit of verdure./ _8 K! z7 \5 J+ @, D
If, If some day I can touch your hand, " S# i8 G3 {/ k" ~7 [' h0 ]
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
% G+ X/ G5 H! Y& A! ~5 Q( z/ @Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.# N2 ?* `3 D# o" h; Y/ s
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
8 x8 x0 k  N1 bAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
! i! A, {7 F3 B" f: L! W+ _then I will have all care and ardor.% I' [. [4 i1 N5 u% |/ l# _
Shall we walk arm in arm?
& J% n7 F% D8 n8 l( T( v呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
! ^, F5 B; M+ V' K/ o- KLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.- ^, q1 u3 G& ~3 ]
I am still the same person of yesterday.
0 C6 U: i/ w& O: _6 q! Z( DUnchanged name, unchanged I.
" ]. V( D8 e! d5 m, bSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
4 G: S* x1 x1 jLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk." d* R& D- H: j. o" G& `$ w; e
More or less,
( N3 j# a' P9 D( v a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
3 y7 k0 I' r7 n7 ~& n
; m. x* {- M1 Z7 H$ j) M1 ^Summer easily slips away; @) u) U$ N1 l5 u9 g0 y( S
Those long lost hot nights
) F4 _) _  L5 o7 ~! p4 | can only be found in the old days. # _3 g( z6 A; [/ C' G, l: t/ f

* K6 v& w0 H# `! P4 z! j2 ~* JCats jumping over the window sills,
5 V) O( B% y" _chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
8 ]2 Y% `. O0 f  {# kGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ v: b0 C% _6 r: E% x% T! a
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
  E" c1 F' x$ t* s: fI am still the same person of yesterday.3 o( N5 c$ |7 o8 ?! I5 U4 D
Unchanged name, unchange ...
9 x" L3 @" y* q- U+ n
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
4 L  c* A; g! |/ |Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
. ?# N6 P0 K* N3 J9 ^3 wLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.$ N& N8 o& M; O$ ~; @
I am still the same person of yesterday.
& u. h/ _% n( h$ o1 kUnchanged name, unchange ...
* T$ v) U, i5 B5 q) ~6 R
i like it.
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