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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
4 I5 U- ^8 b# a' C4 K6 u( V,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
# q" _2 S- ?7 [零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
5 J1 H4 {0 ?, |) _8 L/ x现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.* {5 D4 ?1 F% e1 C) b8 W
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
* c. I( t3 |& u( H1 z2 Q( a眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
8 G  S& U, s, \; C/ K夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
6 R$ V! K  P* a% F# p4 y3 M猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
! X* F. P2 m0 j4 b" ]2 q0 n% V就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
- J0 z; L) }. i6 S3 ?, s* E我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
2 a7 M& U6 A4 @6 j那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。5 ^! l# F' E! n" z9 d3 ?
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
* m. \7 K( k0 K4 a& c0 y昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
& N( |) L: v" I/ S7 N/ p' }/ \& p) ], D想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up./ j( ?8 h$ e( o, f, ^
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. % S+ g' W8 t( v5 X1 i
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
* g1 T% E5 v" C, d6 H醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.9 A6 h! L8 e  S6 E0 z4 y
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
% e3 O" ^1 M3 i; F. L最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 I4 ~: U  {/ W4 j
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?" D9 f5 }) Z/ K# U5 m/ G. M+ B& v
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
4 }/ l: l5 A* ^$ _4 c多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously$ D: g  z) `# f3 `( x
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig." O* F& m8 q/ P# Y0 v
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, ! R# h& p& v5 C) Q4 H
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
5 X  ~- ^# D4 l" ~$ U) u0 i$ C多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
* M0 W3 T- [2 k永难平息的泪
) L* |! y$ F8 _2 L$ Y/ N/ C1 ~% P每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes$ B, J# ?( {2 V1 `3 `
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
( i0 Q- @+ r7 m) R0 i当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.- w0 {" G+ {/ A7 _* L; O
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
. x5 `# P7 e  ?% Y# c/ r你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul * M3 S4 r3 N' m" I5 N; h
一抹微笑;
1 A# [1 g; Q* ?; v7 w一个手势;
9 n  \* b' x) l3 k0 t& N0 l一片话语,
2 W, J% i' k( H" H6 R, }4 u. R3 s愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
+ i$ {* ]8 o5 i3 p9 A4 p明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
: g! G. U' G! ^心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.( q2 `$ S) @1 Z  [
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling9 B0 E/ x4 x. ~2 Q0 e
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..! m. Z# w' q, m
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
! u* ?% w3 Z) p- @" X我并不以为然。
2 w: W' G+ l/ r0 e6 t可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
) P" j- t' h6 Q. R慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .$ X2 j% Y# r5 n7 b. r
被一种情绪所左右,
# }) `4 m: r- N- d, [1 h: l总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
+ Z0 c$ {) A9 t3 I: n/ \: B) F, l7 _7 L- p即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you' t) t1 s" U  g. K
也不问我是否喜欢你,3 p4 ~" g2 x* ?$ z: f2 T: g0 _! F
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
2 M4 V0 @9 @* J1 |只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
: [5 D8 `4 k/ ]3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you8 \5 c1 E& X. v5 [  w5 a$ K
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil# W; E0 w2 [" q; m/ _8 B
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
4 d; y. t, a0 {1 M4 |7 h你的身影已化成一种氛围,; F3 I7 d' X# T! K; G6 x1 d
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.9 {+ Z2 r& ]( w" Q
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
( p/ \, O. s7 g/ U; c: j+ V; U随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字4 d$ u1 H3 Y/ x. T) k0 ^
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,2 r2 l8 u: y3 L/ r
一种声音,and your voice
6 G* c5 B5 B$ G. V+ ^% v. q- n8 ~" B也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
5 o* |) `# K4 j& w0 ^% O& O0 A掺杂著幸福的感觉。
4 o7 ?* o# o- p* i% Q与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
- w/ b6 M) b: ~8 l! ]$ K8 r象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
# z( I0 F+ _: H倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
& ^, B+ F1 q( X# k0 l, O纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
3 X/ v* `5 o5 o% G4 s你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss% x2 S9 ]; \& |
有一个能够让思念的人,* a/ O1 W: w' U, C6 s* l9 o
其实也是一种幸福。
" _9 Z( R3 }$ y1 U: c尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ( u: ]5 a3 ~- P6 \+ J1 a
柔柔的海风,0 R8 i3 m! N; w' ]
甜甜的夏天。; I+ C+ ?* f7 j; q3 V7 c: M4 y2 ]9 n
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
1 V7 V9 J) ]( q$ }: n: v8 S只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.# X  @: G5 k# D% ?2 }
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
' d$ }' s& D+ |1 R/ ^想和你有共同的情结,2 M0 y5 K( i9 _0 g9 b
共同的心愿。
8 S) H5 _: V# e( Z# B5 m) t# k0 u9 u$ k. K/ J7 D+ a. y

& a! m3 [( n. j7 x% W6 B好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you) G0 Q: c* }/ g% b
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together$ |8 k6 x& d+ M+ w; g7 r
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
/ a3 |! ^' Y: _. w3 j或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
# V. }. s8 _2 a『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
% h8 u4 O5 F  s- a) x我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
6 X. Y2 X2 p' V- L浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”6 f$ \* c. k5 x# A4 z1 f
或是轻轻的一吻,* c! ^/ _' Y" {
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』5 n. N& E% E0 x% P2 ~4 u
就足够了. That is enough.* h! K1 [% ]# r; y4 L! l
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
1 h5 m3 o6 ~: k, _" B终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
0 S5 R3 K% v2 A4 R: \萌出了芽,
7 g* d& n2 o; Z一如对你的思念,the same as my missing' L7 C; k# ]% d* n4 `  E
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
/ C4 J6 s- w2 C9 f( P  }如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand4 m' ?+ _2 s. F2 v* T, n( H5 u  c
能够牵著你的手,/ w8 T- _$ E: ~( Q' Y
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely., k$ ~( M9 f! u* ^( L+ N7 \
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
8 d( Z; \6 N4 p$ {慢慢地细读,- S5 [, z* _" s1 y! k
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
) s3 h3 I: N, E, ^- e/ @6 O在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
" C& c' H- o, W8 V( u5 j我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
: J% ^% D* j1 P& y! u: L/ h就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:4 ~4 E6 R, p$ P1 d2 {' z2 @( k
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
2 R$ b5 x. D' ]+ f$ K眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.4 \. f; M- M! S. F
change to:lacked; [! K: P2 q5 O; A8 F8 a. m2 U# F
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
& P- ?1 W$ o: MCats often played at the whole hot night.
$ A3 G+ i4 c5 ^) X- w1 u- f 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及+ ^2 w# l) ~! j1 T
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.4 V$ H& ~! o- S5 G8 u( ?. N
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
, a! F0 a% b' U$ S/ a" R& o该为:throughyour hands.9 p8 Y8 Z! l0 x5 X
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。& z  {; o* k- m
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
3 t' f( y0 A6 {5 t5 g4 K3 {至少比我强。
0 i8 V- L" e/ D5 @, q偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
% o0 Q1 ?* g' k2 J7 C2 D
: h- {; R4 J) T$ ^& A6 c/ Z这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
( `' X5 w" f! j3 s& `5 D: _6 ~后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
- i7 X4 n) o8 J+ M7 @9 i谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.' k/ B% y# L3 A4 `  l# b, ^
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
3 T+ F" Z1 S2 z! g3 zEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.' i1 n" G1 q! t; _7 N0 y! P2 |
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
  b7 q; @+ H3 ]7 n Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.6 {) w6 n- l7 z* x2 d/ x
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.$ U1 s2 Y) P; u+ m, m5 z
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.5 k- N4 ?3 o0 t9 Z$ K2 @! N, C# L) H
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:. Y8 Z6 w2 M' M% `! K4 ]2 j5 a0 Q
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ' L" {# c! H; Y& ?- h1 v
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
1 e( v8 Z0 O" ~- P  }$ G, g6 k  KI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.$ g- ~) N7 h2 ~/ q( H2 }/ @9 t, R
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.( Y( J/ E5 c% j; @( h" w3 z
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.- v0 g5 c  G# Y
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. v5 C1 g2 `3 u" A2 d4 `
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.! m: e/ ?  \2 y( N+ n0 T* }* q/ M
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?# M- e8 f: Y9 l. A
Intoxicated then feel cold,- g% Q  W, B+ y4 _
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
: X8 u1 N1 u0 a6 Q6 M, d$ U# [I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
3 }! o- m3 v: U; t* nThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?' n) Y9 _* F/ I+ a0 b' }( y
Why I am always hoodwinked!2 |4 ^; m8 \5 ^
I have told myself many times cautiously 7 u* J0 ]% `5 {2 y; s2 B+ v
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
$ p: P1 x  f. u7 m6 dThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.; A( Y3 Z4 U' z  @8 f& N% D1 p+ M0 {
Why can`t I take it easy?
6 I) S. s: x. r+ A4 b9 Z# J/ uHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
( `' l; T, {$ p' z8 M! iWhen the quiet night comes4 P. y) ?! W& }+ U$ t
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.2 ^- |2 B% o( G! D; R+ [
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
8 l* C  X6 C; L4 l, D* B5 lYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,* X$ J0 x6 x4 e3 @0 i6 |, l- c# P
light the dark corner in my mind.
) P2 V% w1 {9 |3 g" k5 f2 ?I feel a bit of cozy.
' ?5 x" c2 a4 M/ j/ `The deep attached to you in a twinkling* l) I! ^/ b4 f" p
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.  z# g( i$ `2 J- L% y" ~7 T4 \
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,' ^, a* `# E( N* _( ^4 V
but accompanying with the time passed' g* T' ?/ j( G+ t3 J) C0 d
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,2 E- c+ s# K6 {. ?
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
$ F# l/ w6 V# f0 q5 mWithout asking if you like me or if I like you; x, x4 b, q# Z
only feel gracious for your existing,
5 ~8 }  e# V0 Ronlt want to do something for you.4 S' S. R6 j6 c  t  P$ \  o+ c
Every time when you meet me
/ d" u$ C9 h, P& Ithe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
8 a! L: }2 |: \) M! `0 Fbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
, I5 k2 ^( ]7 V7 E1 v. dThat live in my heart.
' v/ q4 ^$ S2 O: EDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?: g8 ?% N3 J5 v! U
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice+ X" r  i! A* g2 ?' H; d) k  @
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
* E7 ~* I! `- y# G& ]; kThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
6 D( z* P& B( M; y1 S$ `8 P6 Zsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.* M8 `$ U6 D$ E9 Q2 t9 h
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
) [* X$ L# C1 Vespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
, i: E1 I. F' c* j7 NSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
5 u6 }. ~" m9 L. |) k' Donly waiting for you quietly
8 p, ^' W: t: v" p! d6 g; ujust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.: |5 J5 C, V2 l/ H6 ?8 K  O- X
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
3 y. o; ~' I: Aand enjoy the rain washing together0 H5 B2 O' Q4 c
or rush to a film* ?: z8 X# f/ F; ~3 x+ Y
or listen to a music quietly.6 l& H* i  [7 Z6 `9 }$ m' O4 ~0 l) c
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
# o1 c" K9 X2 |+ n* ]If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
/ x8 A. `: d  V% e, k8 r  csmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".3 s: n6 A, T+ j# ], \) ]
That is enough.7 P# p* s3 n& C/ i. u
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,% A. h$ y$ T1 x5 g% B
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,+ i1 f5 u$ `9 u- t( ]
the same as my missing.# Q! ^, v2 @* V7 W3 w2 @
It comes a little bit of verdure.! m% c+ B" l% a2 u2 `6 A7 L5 H
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
0 O  c/ s" N: ~; f( @2 zthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely., Q5 H' }6 h6 v1 W
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
& A5 s& q; p+ f9 O/ v! y6 MI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
2 O9 c8 {* ?- x' W$ pAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
2 f- s% S- P+ h2 R2 T& hthen I will have all care and ardor.8 s9 i7 D" U+ }# E5 ]# v
Shall we walk arm in arm?
3 S5 {& H; v- ~  F呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* u' l5 p; E0 N% V7 Y$ d2 TLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.3 d: r3 S* w; A1 F# a
I am still the same person of yesterday.
& t' O5 v( E, wUnchanged name, unchanged I.
$ F  [; a0 x% \) t/ }Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 4 u* n) F  R. d
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.( B) B3 [3 `# ], J$ a1 R
More or less,) H, `& Y% b4 d) r
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
$ P# }, j* Z4 t. S" d+ ]% M- z5 j' E
Summer easily slips away
) R7 u6 Y3 n3 U. yThose long lost hot nights
* ]# y7 ^# i9 G4 y+ q can only be found in the old days.
. _! H0 J  z: d3 D" S# k" R: P9 M( z3 M) w9 `7 n* l: j0 O; Z
Cats jumping over the window sills, ( [. f7 Z# e  g8 w% \+ t
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 5 ^& Q2 r0 c5 O
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
: _* X6 r" N1 WLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& M: i* Q9 x* w' I
I am still the same person of yesterday.7 \( U0 w* E6 ~# H# n
Unchanged name, unchange ...

/ y8 b1 }. g7 D" `
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
5 ~* }6 o2 }# a5 K4 u$ n& PGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
8 m1 h( I2 U- O2 Y( E5 KLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& b" l* ]) L& G7 J! q8 M# N, oI am still the same person of yesterday.' c- C' P9 b8 w6 A% t, z* d
Unchanged name, unchange ...
* P) y* }1 |9 X: x4 q; {1 x% E4 P
i like it.
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