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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
# g* K. z) B  \3 \,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
& G. W3 ?2 h4 i. t0 k' W零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
7 ?$ c* Y8 {3 ^3 p8 c现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.. M/ J3 G# f) y9 f7 T
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.1 K8 q2 [* c. {, `" j# F9 Q1 m; E# f
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
1 G3 U; ?2 j9 }; V0 {  U2 i夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.; ^1 [: }4 E1 q" k0 b5 W
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
+ `, Y1 _0 z7 A就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
- L+ F/ M: g9 ]% ^5 {; y我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及+ b1 H" m2 j; S/ R
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。; _6 c- z: z2 F- D1 B
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
3 O! t* a4 \  y昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.0 g2 S( L; `% R7 B8 s# S
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
: r4 N7 m( O  z( @, v最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 5 G$ V2 O0 @' ~6 M4 c& E
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?  K; `' W+ V6 B4 S" P/ m
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
$ M$ p5 t, m# ~迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
* S, V  H* y! W" a6 G! c最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.2 R  t' U5 K4 q9 ]# s+ \( J
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?1 P8 c6 A1 P, ?3 r6 h; k" z
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
/ u) F9 Y; [2 ^( j多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously8 y. j( a# C( @! Y1 r; p
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.& U- p" Z7 V" R9 B3 W/ l
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, ( g9 q2 z) h' ?( ?% @8 E" h
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
* [# Z" y3 R; M" [" m7 h7 s7 o多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
0 x- J+ |1 ?/ A$ _0 Y永难平息的泪
7 D7 Y  c$ ?* S$ @6 ?7 T每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
( T8 K/ ]8 i* ~* y" }. ~. k~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
! z9 p8 _3 x8 r' D* X; L当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
% ^9 i) b+ e# ], v$ }) f让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,! L. ^7 \6 y4 B" M4 e. N
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 4 n# U1 x. k" J+ `. U
一抹微笑;; C3 f  q# c; p3 y% y% d9 w: X- R8 N
一个手势;$ n' m# E$ C+ H* |* b  ~
一片话语,
' [6 s4 B* t0 ^+ p8 ?. S  L- R" V愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、; w! {: m& F3 r; v% M9 D/ Y+ e2 b
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
$ X) U; T+ F& @/ D! ]  E心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.8 a7 L8 `- f7 B, G( d6 Q) L7 k+ ?
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling9 o& Q3 h' o, v8 q2 W
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
9 U7 [& g6 c, C% E0 a5 ]4 p起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,3 G! Q' _0 u6 b5 I! X
我并不以为然。: k/ J4 o! o; ~6 E" }
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
) I! y+ t' R6 H# t! [# c1 m& e慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
8 E0 S' e3 m: s1 t被一种情绪所左右,- ~/ x; O% m' S1 P* ^9 V# A
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
( ~$ V  D; w) p% D) m即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you, Z; q7 D6 z6 [+ v9 E! q$ s# v
也不问我是否喜欢你," \* }. O; o, w) ^1 G: ]4 {, ^
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
7 X' |9 e2 Q! p$ Y3 k% i/ r只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
0 s6 Q$ i- Z( i+ U  U9 S3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you# T1 G) i+ C! U7 g3 \) x' X* C
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil/ y$ ]6 K) i! N7 Y1 J
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere , C. N' Z( `3 K  w
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
  \* ^) N7 h7 Y记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.& g! A  k- V2 l# b. ?& Q
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
9 K, q$ D6 B0 k7 o随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字0 D' a& O/ V: L2 M( l) z$ c
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,5 b; g; |9 I* t  g/ e! ^# w
一种声音,and your voice
+ W* N" h# e5 H% f" G9 y  m也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
) s( |! O. x& L1 c. a掺杂著幸福的感觉。- {' Y: s/ h8 @. N
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land* y  F( z% C) \/ d; a& K
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,4 p3 }$ N- m9 t" s$ e. e3 @4 o
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
' w3 {- q4 f- `9 v; `& V纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
+ s4 `2 r: ~6 V. x  t' X0 s. {你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
* L1 ~, W* J$ r( p4 W' [8 b! [有一个能够让思念的人,* X! r, ^: v# w8 q/ [
其实也是一种幸福。
, b% T% A, d+ ?尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
( C/ b* [' c) E) D; b/ a柔柔的海风,
, T) i6 C4 W. n( j& D* O) [) j甜甜的夏天。. F' o* p# k2 m
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 2 x% `+ m1 R) B; A
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.* K0 ?1 F0 p( s/ b; c/ I/ b+ i
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
% j' i2 k- x, a! w" w1 h想和你有共同的情结,/ E6 E6 T/ \8 G& ]7 z5 d
共同的心愿。
; A' ^' u& n6 e: W: R+ e/ J1 Y$ @: H$ V* L* t1 `

) f6 ~" P: L" r. m9 B3 b好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
# b2 i* H$ u0 w( I  F8 {一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
7 @5 n0 H: R6 z8 w: j& T, Y' A或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 1 I7 @( D+ c0 b5 d. }* [
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
8 G8 X' I. [7 g『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
  k8 P1 t. l. d! @& s9 t我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 0 _6 q/ w/ a% D0 `6 L
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”# I0 I6 Z9 q: z% G* ]- N7 K
或是轻轻的一吻,4 M* a" `( r% x8 U/ f
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』; j. O2 x& O" q# s0 D
就足够了. That is enough.6 T7 @$ L! ~, `" @
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! - b6 k* f  m. K0 L: d0 R
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
4 |5 z0 t1 n/ _: U/ Q. x萌出了芽,  Y: ?, T; i, n$ b
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
. c& p; b2 Q/ O9 c6 t- [2 V+ [浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure./ v4 B/ g2 ]+ }/ |  C% c' \
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand- N0 C; s+ c) j, W2 A
能够牵著你的手,3 V& c! |& J0 _+ f- d  g
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely./ D+ i6 O+ u7 `( y- g+ A
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
0 N- n% W1 T0 R/ M' K慢慢地细读,
9 F/ Q4 ?6 C# R! I4 G# j我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
# k8 l: F7 A; o+ n% J在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 8 ]5 V3 u- ?- g6 d: k
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
9 B) l( k( r. g+ N就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:" k* o% x* F; `
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago* V: p3 `, C* A$ j8 _: W" ~
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
. u0 g$ E- b$ D, Q8 L8 b/ zchange to:lacked8 y; f& e9 C5 n& I7 T- [. y: F' Q
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.3 d; t; R3 c4 A! q  i% T
Cats often played at the whole hot night.2 F3 A# f9 k2 c! c- n3 i+ F
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及3 y5 s5 I' [8 J; k" C* j. E- I; Y
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
" h$ ^5 }7 x- z' gI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 7 h& |( `) q" S
该为:throughyour hands.# C* k6 r8 s, ]# l, k( o
还没检查完,下一次再改.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。3 z3 G) g5 B/ j4 f2 f
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
7 d( x$ I$ O! b( R至少比我强。- Z- D% u* e, c
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... & F$ F8 ^. s+ q- @, x

( A  A8 o3 w8 H- _- z/ m7 m- O$ T这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。8 p* B8 T7 ^7 I: @
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
2 A8 K% v# p* Z. ]8 ]' `! x谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.! J1 G! N8 J; o2 `+ ~4 T: Q: W( O8 s
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
' K0 }  q4 {2 f7 S- ]. d5 vEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
( |1 \1 \& [! W- vPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.0 ^+ \# @" x4 g+ q8 ~2 c
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
) H% Z: j; }0 ~The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.# g0 w7 h3 E+ m0 J, |4 O0 b8 y
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.4 @- L: l$ Z7 g+ b4 ]
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
, Z1 k8 ?, V) g5 Z  E# nCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ) z0 F) ~1 t$ S. V+ p3 e! d+ Q- f! p
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
( y5 {+ ^9 E" n; J, h/ zI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
7 g  c2 |; t  d2 b, mThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
& F$ [6 V& W) t8 M9 jThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
3 R* I4 h0 v5 A9 e* b) WI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.3 J% r( s. `3 \1 Q! U
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.8 ^2 S+ n8 {# u7 M
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
' \3 y$ l5 L, X  C& j" B# F, wIntoxicated then feel cold,
9 y8 i+ ]# f/ i: C- Sthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
. N+ w  {& x9 ?, e+ o, y% vI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
) P1 ^, C$ B. b' iThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?) U5 c- {* }" v  }
Why I am always hoodwinked!
+ q7 e9 ?- |8 I. BI have told myself many times cautiously
6 M0 f3 J+ X) _8 C3 d2 Sdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.) g8 p' Q9 ~. _0 Y  V' h$ e  A
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
' n, F+ ]' q& N7 ]4 q9 ?! U& @8 k! {8 ]Why can`t I take it easy?# y& ^& V# O$ U
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
& E: w3 m- J% \& iWhen the quiet night comes& D3 U1 f9 N1 R: K" ?7 v# Y5 Q- z
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
' o' Z$ p' T* I5 t) Z6 K7 `4 aThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
' N: |8 P0 W6 I- d0 VYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
% Q- J: v# h# P, O. Xlight the dark corner in my mind.
0 n$ E4 t  N% d- Q) B* T: oI feel a bit of cozy.% m7 I/ r7 n+ ^: z- u
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
* _  R. D+ Y. P( N7 b& Xmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.9 v! ^. a2 b: W: [$ |' ^$ ?
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,1 E) |5 r  n0 T8 t$ N) K/ F' {" O
but accompanying with the time passed
3 ]7 O* G1 l  K( y9 ^' @" C2 @I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
- k3 q. x4 R: @( P" q! I& oalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
  F" G, w$ e% qWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
( d8 D  a7 p; O' p  v1 {1 {5 [, }$ Ronly feel gracious for your existing,* `: b5 P- T6 N  z$ X: h7 C+ ]- N# _; K
onlt want to do something for you.- p  H2 l! n9 |
Every time when you meet me
0 i3 n9 k3 F! e. g6 r) R- f" M6 M4 O& Hthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,' s" p6 t; o# S- i# S6 K
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere. V8 y! S0 J. A2 ^4 k0 Q' X  g
That live in my heart.
9 R5 }& O( I' X6 I' aDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?% V8 v7 f) F, P2 c6 T1 H, C
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice  t3 E3 v) N' {  [8 N/ r
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.. ?( E7 X; h; w% }0 F$ w) G9 d7 B1 Z
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land( L+ ]2 s, x9 O, Z+ K0 ?2 L4 e
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.9 ]3 \- D3 f! [0 b- W
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
" E  i; o+ P. @$ g7 Eespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
: }; |- c5 I- w. m8 N" {8 xSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
) t" }( D. [1 G( Y( J! Lonly waiting for you quietly$ h1 O2 L/ D2 ~- v0 }
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
7 ~6 |" q7 i" U# V. m! _I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
& W% a- E3 Z: nand enjoy the rain washing together2 q% L% U6 q$ j+ U4 M) S/ ^
or rush to a film$ D$ f1 E+ b$ i1 Z( o# _0 J
or listen to a music quietly.5 @: `: o; f' O/ S7 p/ l
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?* g, W; I3 w  z& \% W. O  N( ]) m
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,8 w9 m, b4 n/ C3 r$ e
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
$ q1 M; ~* u( l; ], \That is enough./ P7 P0 W% Z: p* y
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
1 c8 u! _$ m, W8 w  r( n! Dfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
( A' S5 t; s1 m/ q; V, J7 |the same as my missing.# V) _9 P( S0 H/ p: D: R" ~: |7 D
It comes a little bit of verdure.+ C" z, ~1 ?. P) e! n. n
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
; m$ W- s& }( C: L+ G8 |% uthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
9 I4 w) J; t% m5 ?Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
" x  e# Q$ b9 g" M3 P8 A4 AI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
- L0 T" w! x$ I: a) HAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,  L/ Y, j% L$ y6 e
then I will have all care and ardor.
2 a+ T- i! }2 p- J* H- d9 qShall we walk arm in arm?
1 d- |7 I% Q, C, E呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.; O* C3 g8 O* N" n
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. u  L( {2 R) }5 A1 ^! |- yI am still the same person of yesterday.
6 K! e9 g# N, c0 n' J# }Unchanged name, unchanged I.
. n! H. D: H6 X8 m5 k, i8 o: r5 v+ xSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. & o1 Y8 x2 ^/ W" b7 f" ^6 P
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
1 p, D1 f% r$ g. ^- U$ m4 MMore or less,6 G& q& V5 O% E# ^. M3 {) x3 k
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.. e& [- Q) _! A$ `( G2 O
7 h- R& z8 K7 p" }3 m
Summer easily slips away9 O2 W- }% s; t" B
Those long lost hot nights: Y. b6 b5 c  J5 i8 V8 K' S
can only be found in the old days.
+ D; e% g7 M2 f& w9 ?& x9 z
2 e  U9 j- L. W; z  f. z, WCats jumping over the window sills,
; F1 [7 E& y- d$ R( m9 h6 h1 Schasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
$ t, [7 u0 `' ?( ?5 ~Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
- Z! ^% G" N) E# DLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.1 ~; t& H$ x- V, B, x" y
I am still the same person of yesterday.& q8 a, Z5 E5 L
Unchanged name, unchange ...
+ G# y! L1 z+ D4 |
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
9 Q/ m' J2 w& h. HGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
& t3 f( Y# E3 {' _Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
" b% N; r2 r/ V  YI am still the same person of yesterday.% h6 T  @- |7 v
Unchanged name, unchange ...

5 Y9 }7 @" L. j. {$ ^, oi like it.
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