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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了," G! i) n4 T  s; |/ A
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  , y) Z( R3 J( T
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
+ W5 E3 U" ?+ H! d2 h5 A现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
$ g3 z2 f* t9 j; ]梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.) X3 I, u* r' H3 G' }& g2 P# `; d
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
1 ]7 X. G4 ]* v. Z7 h夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.2 F! Z& _8 M9 i2 o
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
' Q( o. r5 H& ]0 A. r6 y就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
/ q0 f0 t7 d8 N& j0 Y我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
  m; A/ g0 D" S4 u& i* S0 _, }那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
! L7 e- [4 K9 n世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
: {( w7 y- U1 o: s0 R5 E0 x  _, s昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
/ c9 S. E" f0 B6 p  C$ u想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
/ R  g5 {- Y: ^. @  P6 M$ H- m最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 2 g7 E; ?, l0 y" O3 H2 R
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?* O- N* `& y- p# A! G5 q
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
6 `1 _% A! V$ G迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.5 c# j1 W5 _3 {: P9 I7 F
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
# W$ V* q4 q' d; {4 n+ G多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?' Q# {$ ^8 {% t& R( c) O+ ]
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
4 Q; _3 s! J  J多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
: ^4 B8 s/ @9 G3 B/ S不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.9 o: V' n+ j/ b
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
9 ~! w! I( x7 [6 N( N; J为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
2 C5 {+ D. {; F9 u5 H7 ]5 V+ F* u3 B多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
' L$ Y1 t- w. G  E  u' r永难平息的泪8 d$ Y4 L" ^  @  a% M
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
; x% ]( i  U6 K" P~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
! c; }" D# `# H0 }7 v当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.3 t; r' Q. |% C1 E+ x2 A0 T
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,! L$ P( \& h- j2 O5 d+ h
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
1 k# Z4 G7 x( N; G一抹微笑;
/ u5 n" _* Y$ u+ z- W8 g1 l一个手势;
. A% J2 @# E* b3 @; h: G6 q一片话语,4 y  y3 w9 y: A5 Y* a- W
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
% S% m$ M2 M* W* W+ p2 _! e明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner2 D0 P  J, n5 U; ~1 ~
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
# ^7 N( y* x; ^% W这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling: G& g  j' T" ]# |
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
. D/ w- m1 H- Y. q' Q2 L起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first," R8 e2 ]- _5 f' _
我并不以为然。
3 H8 w' _6 ^! n1 X/ i$ J可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
! ~# l# O. x" {" X慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
0 d* s* T9 t& l被一种情绪所左右," A& \6 `( r  K& a8 o
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .4 b! J% W6 B  h6 T0 C9 W3 L
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
9 K4 L) _8 e- |% x也不问我是否喜欢你,
# M2 O1 Y: z  W4 h' L. S) j对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.3 b  ^/ W9 u6 E1 l& A# D- B
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
) ]' R& D2 A- Y2 s3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you3 n- w$ S+ T+ `3 R
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
+ u, [- L2 }: A" c7 M) ]然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
1 X; I- l' B/ l你的身影已化成一种氛围,
; w( f2 M$ {- i) D4 A" n记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.6 e" R, x; D# m: G! M: N9 x
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 6 }* O' A/ v7 Q* G
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字& L- \. k& U. J
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,1 M4 x! [8 e/ R& k* L+ M; j
一种声音,and your voice$ z9 Q3 o5 {) ~
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
1 e6 A$ l' p# h# `  r! i+ m掺杂著幸福的感觉。
4 j  O: `6 e& f. Y与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
! S1 g7 g9 H! S" U4 E: K象雪花般撒落在我的心田,% v$ }' w) W4 A" e0 ?1 G
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.; f: T3 a9 @+ b# {! \, J
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
( p% S( R# R1 R* V  |2 b6 Z0 `你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss5 q7 j8 |4 G( x/ |( U1 K, ~
有一个能够让思念的人,  v4 ]# b% S$ C6 d+ _6 X5 Y
其实也是一种幸福。- j. x% t8 g/ g
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
# V0 V: ^/ I" E: h7 k柔柔的海风,
+ j; c, L3 z/ l- v6 F甜甜的夏天。: c- ~* j+ t9 C- Y+ I
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ' y1 K. Z" c8 b) |3 b' J
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
. ~& ~1 R' m: W" f( A仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
+ y9 F/ Z( V( Q- O2 L$ L, D- K: W想和你有共同的情结,+ x, X+ {- }$ G1 ^. r5 ?% p. ~
共同的心愿。
1 e& b$ N) O: \7 s2 B
) {$ v+ q; v2 x! h* J
2 @5 i9 q( O( S5 r! x9 s好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
' I, v! W* n0 q/ k: I* ^一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together4 A: w& q* t9 g6 O5 _$ h- x
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
& g1 n5 r7 p9 x7 x7 d: D) b或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.: I* ]3 q7 W6 j7 x3 X2 I1 r
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?7 z5 j/ t7 x; _) ?5 C0 C( t
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, # b! P& C" p2 q. |3 C
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”1 i3 k6 v" w! {
或是轻轻的一吻,
" P5 K+ h# L4 o0 |2 X1 c' _9 ^再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
- U  D8 P) U6 b3 V% ~; m, X就足够了. That is enough.
0 C6 x6 U0 X* p# f9 R4 m! L这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
2 A5 x0 B. y; ], V1 r& [7 G$ `, h终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout." ~) o3 x/ z! r  }9 q$ g: e
萌出了芽,
, I. ?9 B" w5 `$ s一如对你的思念,the same as my missing5 S* @- \! U) V' m9 h8 L
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.8 }* `$ D$ D0 L% f, r5 s
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand( f3 [0 P+ e4 y( o+ x% \; s+ o
能够牵著你的手,/ n5 c- c/ p6 z
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.# S4 Q& S$ \! b1 Q7 W
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 5 B- \( \9 H2 N; C2 \$ n& n& _4 n
慢慢地细读,
: F: d3 D- k4 _8 o我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
) i" a! _  ?; L$ d) s: ^在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 8 O9 ?! S1 L) B1 j
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
( y* d3 k. ~( u5 ]0 S: H- V, V就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
- [, a  P# ?8 Z4 @3 g2 Y& ^现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
' ?0 R( n' @2 v% h  B眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.+ g* r/ Y& {$ W
change to:lacked
8 g0 ~6 u& o2 Z9 l猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
# g8 F& h% ?( p9 ]) ^Cats often played at the whole hot night.# W% G9 Z6 B$ m
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" M6 [) F6 k* a. i改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
2 `0 R1 |8 A6 H2 W$ kI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
/ X" q3 j5 M% q该为:throughyour hands.+ F" h1 \4 P  V; x6 P) j, N
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。: d! a: n. Q' w- [" {' `1 I& e
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。" u& [& p* ?% w/ U9 S6 V) v) F
至少比我强。0 F, m  \/ N' v# R5 w; c9 M0 G
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
7 h. s- m5 Y# ~2 J' X- ?. x+ J8 r3 v
# F* q8 a+ g7 e8 W. d0 D# w这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
" y: h- v1 v8 \8 F: f) r' S3 o! e后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
# ]5 Q2 n" }) ?" l; J1 v谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
  Y& e% a. w+ l2 X前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:) b5 h, C+ l: c
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.$ {( ^( W4 M2 i; [' ?9 t$ Y% D2 h# Z
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
  y7 j5 k) S- L( h! ] Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.; l9 z7 d8 l2 P1 ]/ ]. C
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.  z* c8 o0 @7 M+ p5 P
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
  L% t7 z6 e& ^' G! A+ j. oSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
. D: T! a% v, N$ j3 ?Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
, x) B! M8 p! G9 Clike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.7 n) \. H# L6 L6 `, r( ~
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
5 N5 i8 y4 p. U" nThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.* D0 `1 k% |! b9 s6 @
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.+ z0 a4 V7 C& g( n& e- B  m! l
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
4 S9 P: ^0 p* o" |I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.% i/ P: n7 y; J2 H
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
; N9 _6 y5 i  \2 o! [9 @Intoxicated then feel cold,# O  Z7 r! g8 V5 Q( x8 h
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
& N- j2 i+ S) J2 jI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
' T3 p' }$ i, M2 ?6 o8 f# m) ZThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?6 E( d/ g/ W9 L! S1 b; F, a0 C
Why I am always hoodwinked!
. i! }8 B% Z7 K1 O8 x# a2 vI have told myself many times cautiously % z+ H7 i/ Y( ^4 e: i$ }
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.' T3 C* |4 j) P
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
, c6 |( a% d4 S0 _8 lWhy can`t I take it easy?
: ^+ K4 T2 O6 \- a6 I& EHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!: r' ?  f$ Z5 G. `4 |! {. P' [- ~
When the quiet night comes
, T% h$ N6 c6 l& Y5 _8 Kyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.$ Q! U% A& u; {3 D' }5 e
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.. N% f9 x) z* R- z
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,' U3 i8 v% w; z% S, s
light the dark corner in my mind.
7 W; c% i8 s8 K5 h2 @4 F; tI feel a bit of cozy.2 B5 t& {* o- p+ [& i5 k3 C) R: n4 p
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
" X1 {7 Q4 F% kmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.) [$ Z# s- Q* Y
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,3 z: G- E/ H4 V+ k% [* Q" J
but accompanying with the time passed
* _7 |- i4 k( d) bI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
1 ^7 P2 ~4 i5 }2 t8 P/ Zalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.; @6 w6 f. `. m$ Z* O4 X; ^7 H/ `/ _
Without asking if you like me or if I like you: v& @) |% o( A$ ]/ f' z% Q
only feel gracious for your existing,. W2 h( s9 p3 s' [6 s. F9 S
onlt want to do something for you.
% c  w4 Z, i9 B2 X# U  zEvery time when you meet me/ W) x/ c. a8 _5 j9 [' b
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,* Z, S2 E. b9 r0 j3 m
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere. A) k6 c; |0 o0 f# m2 f! h
That live in my heart.
# G  `. d% g8 G0 Z% O/ DDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
2 H' D+ m! B8 ^- O- B' `Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice) }! N7 x$ ~6 a5 B, R* \" C
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.7 T8 m6 B6 Z' i' S0 {' j3 {% L4 l
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
, z  S2 @$ i+ ]1 O/ wsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.  P. D3 n+ z* t
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,* K' Z( @( N. q* c
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
( u- a8 C9 _5 R$ tSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 2 _; z) ^/ b- _2 m: {; ]
only waiting for you quietly
$ }% A5 X+ H4 A7 k7 Djust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.! e3 M. u7 t3 }' g5 U
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you + l* [* I: S2 l
and enjoy the rain washing together, b; a+ Q5 b" Z* U
or rush to a film- W" z/ }: R/ W( w
or listen to a music quietly.
% g/ r1 m9 y) ?$ m! g2 p" zWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
& v5 K4 n) t9 o+ H3 qIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,  ?+ L$ P0 J2 B% f  h7 l
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".' j) P$ ~: X; I$ E6 o) ^; a4 Y
That is enough.
- |' i8 v. y0 {Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,& t. D" `0 W  d3 V2 }( P+ v
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
; R3 v. J8 F! ^- zthe same as my missing.* s  F5 O5 R+ G, l
It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 k! G+ f, t# U0 C4 W/ OIf, If some day I can touch your hand, 9 @  \! Z4 r& o1 X! F( N
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
* B) f( g6 ?$ n$ aLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
: l# o- `1 N7 N6 y# yI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
, Y: g/ T5 H0 q7 ^$ S' d- A4 sAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,, b/ L/ Z0 N9 r2 f/ ]7 H
then I will have all care and ardor.: Q# Z# r- |% Q" P4 [/ B( T
Shall we walk arm in arm?
2 o3 z$ U7 Q/ l+ G% U; s% O) T& l呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
$ f# R& T+ f, u+ h2 S# fLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
  X, A9 h2 {$ F. f- y+ RI am still the same person of yesterday.
- Y3 P. q/ Q- GUnchanged name, unchanged I.$ g! k$ C5 p9 x
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
: K" U/ b' h6 w* s: a/ BLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
! m. o, Z- G. [More or less,
0 g. N8 }4 p6 q( _/ s5 A a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.5 v6 r) R- [* [# X8 V# a; d3 S, e

, X" k* \. t  P6 TSummer easily slips away
$ D% ]7 V- A. S$ y' Z) U9 mThose long lost hot nights. W1 B/ W) h4 {% i! t1 |0 @- j  M6 f5 ?
can only be found in the old days. 6 @* r( R: ?; r7 D

' z$ X$ q, e/ `2 ^; `; \Cats jumping over the window sills,
- i# B- N+ }0 _+ ychasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
! s, C6 _( ?0 ]7 RGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% i- P( G, n8 a% e
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.9 [  V; [. P: }, S
I am still the same person of yesterday.
# J+ X, f3 p7 V/ f+ O$ `Unchanged name, unchange ...
$ t6 X. Y. p( i- m0 E8 g8 D
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
$ |/ J+ X* J8 g, Z2 O0 i8 IGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
3 K9 e3 l$ p& C1 r! NLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.# s' @3 ^1 c- k; O" z. b4 Y
I am still the same person of yesterday.# X: Y4 I8 Q& M/ @) m0 Q) D; V$ K
Unchanged name, unchange ...

4 G, d0 p5 L5 j7 F- S  ~i like it.
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