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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,% u6 i8 @5 U" Y
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
9 r  L% D, y* G6 l6 j. R零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
! n* U# ~2 g% d3 L$ L现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
5 y' ?6 N* t( b6 N3 c9 v3 |. w梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.3 J% d( Q( w2 w" r) ^: _! B4 I! S
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.7 A% B) W( S6 u; a6 m' R
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
* w4 V* ~, {( V4 }8 N3 a猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.' @* o( z: T* i2 S
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.& ~! N, B4 Y. G; k/ v  U4 P5 l' W
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
; t, Y( x- e2 u3 |. ~" F- K; n+ q: E那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。7 W# ^8 H/ }. u
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
+ |8 {- @) q* \2 W" O( D0 s昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.; S; Z" _. r8 ], w
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. M/ F* {; z" I" k! H! V) F
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. # P9 G4 d% n1 F: W4 p) w. W
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?+ M7 r: Y. y: n1 ?: z" D( o
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
9 G- S! n# G8 G* k3 \3 h迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
+ H& x+ l% ?7 m9 c) H! I最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.6 F0 y+ N& g+ I3 Y: m' x
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?' `6 c3 R3 B& `+ T( X$ I; L7 z
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….7 b# O, `  U" k4 H, j$ ~: Z* s5 t
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously6 a- \4 }. E. k, p6 r
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.6 R! A6 F7 n6 i" P. W# f& b' r, p
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 1 ~0 \* L& E, u* U( ^
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?/ `9 w! a+ n3 c# L( o: c
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
, s3 K! y% b( [/ @( L永难平息的泪
5 q: O6 x% g4 n  k$ ]每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
" p5 ^5 l4 w- `( r~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
$ y1 E7 o; A; L( f! X+ x当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.$ w& r% ~' {( {$ h
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,/ [* U& N, i  Z
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
% V# n4 e1 F# ?. Q+ _) k: S7 {一抹微笑;% y. {$ @% T- D
一个手势;- G* b% ~/ i8 K. u1 U* L
一片话语,
  j4 a: @" @7 S3 ^) w, X% O1 X4 @愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
' x  m9 z" g) \+ n明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
$ E" r* H/ U$ v5 H- G; E+ A; \心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
; H5 d* ^! p$ A这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
: W0 B3 f! Z( x也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
8 m8 j* d" j3 u0 t4 s# `起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,, f- e$ _& N: R" ^
我并不以为然。
4 s1 k  d0 p/ i5 X% U/ v" z# _可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
# H7 L# u; D" j, Z$ O8 g慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
  X" a/ L9 T# R被一种情绪所左右,) p; F$ j  m' n) k7 n0 _0 r4 F) B
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
9 O$ s' k" V9 g* {9 d即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you0 J3 z4 |4 @; a7 L% j3 N3 I7 d0 O9 m
也不问我是否喜欢你,. S" o. O4 w' e$ P, w
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
8 J  D; H& d3 J. g6 b" B8 j$ x7 m只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
: N6 @" A. s9 t$ \2 D3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
7 H+ _3 A: ^/ P7 Z5 l心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
$ m; Q1 ?* d. x然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 4 Q8 F; a1 _# F3 u5 o6 L6 a' H* V
你的身影已化成一种氛围,3 m7 B; x3 p1 Z3 Q/ y
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.9 I1 L2 G# w3 _8 H4 w/ s! l
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! . O. i( l! {3 Z2 x
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
# R+ m  D$ n( c  n哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
7 B- v/ B: o8 q  ^/ J! J& d( N一种声音,and your voice
' j  p0 S7 D7 }" F* ~! D也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.6 ?5 y6 a+ Q/ U0 A
掺杂著幸福的感觉。0 p# P4 H$ Z0 C( q7 P
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land; t. C6 }+ w9 Y( m
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,( [, B% p3 e1 E
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.6 w8 y8 H+ e9 v6 R7 z- z
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。7 o5 _  B3 B* V" T# p1 Z6 s
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
% _: |( p6 A( H. U" R0 z. m8 w4 P. }有一个能够让思念的人,' O3 ?( y2 Z+ [: \) T. a! h. E) ~6 q' \
其实也是一种幸福。5 _0 K5 B1 A2 S) i; @! I. i
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. & P) Q3 a9 X  V: L) Y: }2 N
柔柔的海风,3 G+ W' O9 N5 C1 ~
甜甜的夏天。
! P! L/ h+ e4 ~3 X一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy + I( _# b) T' |( ]3 L7 f
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
$ E5 V( X* d' |5 L2 G仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
+ h! U5 E3 L) J. ?+ u! |5 t想和你有共同的情结,
/ b0 [3 J. n/ H/ `0 I共同的心愿。
9 N8 y) k0 y/ i1 K3 q2 V7 @1 _% T3 @* V" b7 R6 l

4 f. c1 J2 r5 z好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
" b, L' o) M2 @9 w" I* l# Z! n一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together) Z# M$ q% |6 {" |6 [
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film % j' ~: X4 ^5 R5 I7 s1 w' E
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
2 t# v% S2 C6 b+ _) ~『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?. b; J3 k4 y8 N) @/ N
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
" r0 S( [+ G/ `/ o: F4 \0 H& x/ B. r浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
. |; e4 Y6 e3 c' J+ M4 Q# i或是轻轻的一吻,8 @  Q4 C9 \/ t  c- ?2 P
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
* J9 ^' q" S: B就足够了. That is enough.1 q0 O" B% H/ v, g: T+ I
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
2 |0 A/ \/ \0 l8 }7 t2 `+ l终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.$ [. R- Q5 s  R3 r; G& A
萌出了芽,& Z( [- _% K5 j: r% P5 D
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing: U- S8 s, U2 G( x
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
* o% M$ ]1 `$ N$ ~( \# V" ?  ]: g如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand# o% L5 B4 x& Y/ z. Z
能够牵著你的手,: C! z8 c8 Z2 f; D
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.  R1 y0 A+ O9 f
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
# o' m( z" R/ X慢慢地细读,
) ?9 ]& Z2 P$ b& G# O' e, j我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. " M2 Q9 J  q0 ]
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
. w" F3 X3 i# R& w我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor   g/ t5 [' V( ?3 @4 ]$ b' N5 k
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
+ Y5 L6 N4 u/ f+ F0 F现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
2 G( P; }1 J4 Z2 I* s眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something./ i* r/ e- @1 p  E8 f. L
change to:lacked6 w  q, J. S: k( s
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.. Z3 G- [4 q8 T, y2 i* t& f
Cats often played at the whole hot night.3 X' i+ ^- M2 L# \# d
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
! R& `9 q& l( ]( g0 ~改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.# K" g3 q; U/ F( U$ {
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 2 [1 E1 |5 y; I" n2 \, p
该为:throughyour hands.
& g  J/ E6 B; Q4 w( J$ k. n2 D还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。4 n6 P0 X( N3 q7 u; H
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。7 M% c0 d: N7 v0 y' u  \. p
至少比我强。# u+ R, q1 }( X- P8 \
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
! w  o' \3 F: y! p  R) t* }3 H3 W% l3 o  Y8 e8 U3 k
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。7 e/ b( i. N; |4 x
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
( }" }3 P+ P5 t& G  j谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
9 Q* E& G: H  d+ t* G, y前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
$ ~0 G. u( I: `7 n+ PEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.. A1 B6 o! l( ?6 q9 q
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.0 q& @8 ?# l4 _* ]
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
1 ]4 a- L; v7 U' D- m" u4 k& uThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.! K/ u% O0 q) Q- e5 q) C* }
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something." v# c2 x" n5 N- K' w  h
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:) e. j3 L" N4 w
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
1 z( {- b9 d; [5 hlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.  w- ?* P# ~2 ^
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
% T" I9 {! k2 z7 oThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
: i! F9 v. G6 Q, D, t% TThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.* S; t4 R6 N  z/ j, }/ O
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.# W. q, `3 V  V2 S! q- Z5 K0 D
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.7 U& L; R* R( o2 f/ P0 l
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
3 G6 v: w% r! h+ l: bIntoxicated then feel cold,
  e/ D& ^0 ]1 y' M" y% e7 X- Uthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction." w6 M" H: l) C1 X( y
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
6 L, Q2 J8 X& C  n  mThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
  ~' s$ x* [8 g* l# A' n/ z0 @Why I am always hoodwinked!
0 J& H2 O2 x( }I have told myself many times cautiously
, L) E2 B8 ~  Rdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.4 j' K& C+ k* J
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
0 Y) O) f3 \. Z# X) j, J* kWhy can`t I take it easy?
9 F9 d2 H$ c+ e1 F& LHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!9 v7 n. t, h) P7 e3 P5 G
When the quiet night comes" m/ B- ~8 L% |- _& n. M
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
, |9 p" p: f& ~1 d( \5 N4 P" x& mThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
: Y' s* K9 ?& @! ], eYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
) e$ B% E/ a" j9 N8 D  Zlight the dark corner in my mind.
; J3 o, o3 T0 }) qI feel a bit of cozy.3 T" v8 r; y8 L9 T- E
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
$ }- T9 w: n( X$ m) Wmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
# y# d$ a5 G5 ^' ^I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,$ P4 h6 N& l* k
but accompanying with the time passed
  e; h2 r/ q. R$ X2 l, z- rI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,% t9 l6 b1 H0 W2 w5 V5 ^
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.6 m8 L* N; l6 x! f
Without asking if you like me or if I like you' ^/ C5 @1 Q' D" j! _
only feel gracious for your existing,
! R4 R) f' _2 H! F) c) S. vonlt want to do something for you.
( j6 P" A. S" l, x, TEvery time when you meet me  f6 b3 v6 b& u
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,( q  D8 V; f; G9 l' f2 J0 U7 ?
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
" D$ v& C9 \! V% C! {That live in my heart.5 w3 c9 P6 o7 v* o  z0 s0 f
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
$ `! i" U) u  u: c) ^0 uEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice/ _* ]" H& R& w1 s) X3 O2 w5 q- @( R
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
7 m7 ]9 ~7 N2 k- i& fThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
" K0 x! O  d4 M! Y4 o1 O4 E' ^suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.; N' g+ K/ }# @6 G8 n: l- N8 S+ J
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
  s, x9 M  X! D9 e. m) y1 z5 d) Vespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
( S* Y/ l) C" F1 _2 Q  D: XSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 9 V2 D' ~9 a! _6 V1 B5 p7 p
only waiting for you quietly# K# ]8 j2 l  h& H% A
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.- S$ [+ @& N+ o) N( p
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you $ h% _8 V# a2 A
and enjoy the rain washing together4 p; e2 ]5 _. V& p- C9 v
or rush to a film4 |- G: o! m* D6 h7 A
or listen to a music quietly.
# P6 r3 g, e7 J, r$ }3 `- JWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
, e% \/ H- Q( gIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,* c: T0 E% c) C  I
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
1 j7 U, i4 i9 JThat is enough.
4 n" B) F3 k5 }& x# a, x: pMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
* }1 o3 a& h. I7 Nfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,5 |' M) C0 G" e* c6 q9 C; {, k. S
the same as my missing.
4 w/ _) G+ V, P5 E9 xIt comes a little bit of verdure.
' \0 O2 D4 M1 t, G6 NIf, If some day I can touch your hand, ; Q6 [. `4 w% K' R; t! f1 h
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.% M0 {+ o8 x7 T( r' m
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully., k7 ^! x0 U( t' [! O- d
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
/ ~( g& Y& f9 G1 |0 BAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
) ]  h1 f4 F9 h! n* fthen I will have all care and ardor.
+ {8 ^2 I8 y1 BShall we walk arm in arm?6 j. h' i# z/ z3 \1 {$ e# l# @
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.) A6 [( o  Z# h  `" d( H/ X$ O+ P9 I
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
# N8 Q$ t3 p& Z8 @& I: c: o! }I am still the same person of yesterday.4 ^0 B; L# ]" O7 D3 {4 R
Unchanged name, unchanged I.9 P; M/ d) n* ^
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 1 a2 E3 i, y* @0 k8 g' [0 s  S, ^
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
% a' {, e$ c. F- kMore or less,$ Z1 M4 ^9 `0 G: E  X
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.) C5 c! l0 K) N
9 B0 ?) }7 {) J' z
Summer easily slips away& ?* _) T6 s' g! H% o* r
Those long lost hot nights
, C5 f7 W3 ]8 r( O can only be found in the old days.
( F  N' `( L, B7 A1 |
# I7 ]. z0 g; A* ICats jumping over the window sills, 7 g" B9 B, U! X) g9 I0 [0 M
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 2 J& ^8 r; P7 e$ X9 m/ v& Z
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
0 ]4 c8 }/ z' n" c1 `! QLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.* O9 `+ A% U; Q* J' W
I am still the same person of yesterday.0 U- G  K5 x  Z
Unchanged name, unchange ...
+ c6 ~1 A/ D$ |3 U, ]
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 1 G; R. [, c0 s+ h% k# }7 e
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
" h  g" S' n3 TLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 w% v( j7 H9 b8 c
I am still the same person of yesterday.
- e) {, |4 d. ]0 J1 ]: b# vUnchanged name, unchange ...

' `) ~0 ], Q: A/ Ci like it.
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