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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,  t  E; D) P' h3 [
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  3 Y& {/ p' f1 [/ a
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
  d; J; l8 e# X3 Q6 c, Z现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.- S7 ?. G% ~+ q3 j
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.$ J9 ]& N1 O. M! ?
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
5 w+ n/ ]  A1 u( \- w8 K夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.3 v% H# y5 m/ q5 T
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool." U( [; W/ w- X
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.& X4 l/ q9 @7 z( f" P+ E
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
. ^! r( O. l, Q/ W那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。' q8 R' b$ Y: B! ]6 w8 I, q; S
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.- {5 o0 a0 h# u% a7 t# i1 z# Y8 B
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.3 t' f3 K3 Z0 z+ T7 M
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
: f+ z5 w- n5 s- M6 J最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ) }2 Q. j2 o. Z" i1 D
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?7 J- C! r$ P. T1 j# {, Q! s
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.. y! c/ V' A% E' W1 c% l+ C1 Q: X
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.7 B% z" k" p4 |! Z; {' ]
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have." a4 _* E& S% m
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
! J" D, F" ]$ l% DWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….& i# z! W  \& h
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
9 H/ X# J/ l) Q  }; _) B, h不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.+ D: t, S7 I4 c
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
1 v+ |) L7 m/ Y8 f3 ^为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?+ y8 z) Z# n2 ?6 b$ g+ o; Z
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!4 K) D( f* ~& t4 }- h2 C2 F+ `% F
永难平息的泪
: E% d- _% b3 P: c0 y  ]每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
9 S5 \! b* h6 [& t- ~1 s  C/ `" N~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
& ~; W9 M8 n0 z7 L/ M' M当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.3 `# c- q/ \5 c* X! G
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
9 D+ O) G- x, [7 ~" V; h3 ~" w你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
7 C  E. f5 G$ n6 D& }一抹微笑;0 ]. g6 p: d: {6 u: X5 U
一个手势;
2 k# l) A: s4 ?& F4 R5 a一片话语,
% o5 J1 g4 O8 ~  u- q愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、/ S, g0 U# K! w
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
! p; }; N, _; w/ `- r3 A" X心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.8 b2 }! |% `, V8 o
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling' i/ i: m, G0 t
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
/ ?6 U: ~3 j: f) S6 ~起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,0 O5 [. A, [" F4 l
我并不以为然。( R( L( S8 [3 \) L; K  L
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
4 [9 |/ j: E: k( N慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
5 M4 R( _$ M) `$ P. B9 l被一种情绪所左右,
1 q6 ^3 l& O9 l5 K) \$ S总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
+ b/ @7 m6 L" K2 a8 ~即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you2 l2 W, e: y0 Q5 C6 Q# c* G$ n
也不问我是否喜欢你,
$ S1 z( d9 F  A: q  q! F: A0 ^7 E对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
! Q3 W/ _- ~% N) k7 p) [8 m只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
) k& r! l1 \$ M. x& K2 h( P3 N( @3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
6 \* H$ z7 \/ N2 c4 B! p心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil3 B4 I# D$ S4 ?: Q
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 2 ?- c, y* R2 q: C7 h
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
( ^- J% Z0 m: O& [6 `% U记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.' h+ t& Z( m2 Z; u
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! " I2 d/ ^- z: ^4 d: q6 {, {8 Q- n# {
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字/ I  u+ N" f# U
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
. z) I1 H# P! p+ z, a一种声音,and your voice
, N; `. z* t+ E  @$ c, q. X也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.; [/ ]* O/ z& V
掺杂著幸福的感觉。) u: ]6 h/ P& H! a8 ^8 b
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land8 Q2 @2 z& R  P  x; U% }
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,8 l& _$ l/ j2 w; }
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.  _- j& C* \' m8 K
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。3 `0 D. S2 ?4 u, s* A% r  e# F) ^4 Q
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
* E6 s; h, ?7 G' W( P5 l- V" k有一个能够让思念的人,; y$ Y3 _: E+ O1 ?
其实也是一种幸福。
% I- R3 u9 n9 I" k尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 7 L/ G" R! b$ e7 n: K! y  [+ T
柔柔的海风,
" ?: @2 F# ?" B' t甜甜的夏天。9 }! k2 a  k7 |5 e3 }6 G9 ^
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
4 k/ I0 S4 s* k% E4 R5 f) a5 ]只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
# z# K  [- H8 |: V3 I. a8 G6 y仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.3 K5 S1 i: v6 y* y) o+ U
想和你有共同的情结,2 Q# p; P- }, f0 t4 D
共同的心愿。
0 i1 m/ j: n4 G- m0 b" [* @, M" h& t
- D! L8 J7 G+ Q9 U
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
% L! e: |6 _# g. e) w一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together2 b; e* J; M: O# c  l  [8 X( o# x
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
  i8 K( B+ r- l. u6 q! o9 N1 Q或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.- m/ {; y  T: Z" i- K6 T3 s
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?+ M6 ?" r0 r' f# p
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, ' ^6 J1 b0 U) n' W8 i
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
/ L  R) V# x' D2 w4 V% ]或是轻轻的一吻,3 m9 P1 A' N) {( j, z- E' Q
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
9 Z6 w& O5 m. j/ k6 [$ n; @就足够了. That is enough.  ~  _! N) J) L& n! ?) K$ Z
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! / h) g. L5 k7 r( D
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
) {8 [  O$ s7 W. Z: \7 I# C$ M萌出了芽,
, J8 l4 i3 u: [+ R: F$ b3 ^一如对你的思念,the same as my missing: U1 ~2 J" U3 R4 R. P  K1 R# q
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.0 J$ ]. Z9 [% s
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
' |% S1 o) N- F0 j  j能够牵著你的手,
* q1 |1 {' v/ @" h; G那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
% d  L3 [/ N& e/ D7 e1 A5 ?! \让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
# c+ v6 u( @" t9 r/ P: O4 K4 v慢慢地细读,
- ~, V  q: c8 B; W1 [8 _8 G- ^我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
  S7 q# O/ C; f, \- R+ `8 \2 M+ N在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
3 O  |5 }: |8 s' E我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
* @. P) x" P- R6 q5 n就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:1 P+ O, g" R' r) K; h) a
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
9 V9 q, s/ i" u9 L) a眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
1 ?3 \( f- d7 O3 k( J' n( Ochange to:lacked. ?% O& J/ ?7 I) B5 D* y! z
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.5 u* Q( X: O: S2 k( }- d
Cats often played at the whole hot night.- b- b- F! z( B8 F
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
  N1 |6 p- Z; u. K" r改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
: ~" G6 u/ x3 F3 ?$ }) UI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
' t8 C" S2 |) F7 H- G0 P- p8 m该为:throughyour hands.
& }! |5 R5 D1 F6 V" l' S还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
$ O5 R/ a$ S$ W) z2 |$ p不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。0 q. j7 g5 j: V0 O& g- s5 z
至少比我强。4 f; R' N; Q4 |0 g. b1 u/ l
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
" T$ e5 B! m4 f, B5 m$ ~: f1 u5 B1 ^. U0 j7 ~" V2 v
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。( b$ }1 d" j4 T; w7 t- N
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.! @0 y3 ?8 Y, n6 v5 j
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
4 j2 F" b$ Z4 I" b前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
6 w$ v9 a6 l$ I* N" OEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.( ^% ~2 V6 T" F
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
6 ^& S6 [, x0 z7 E Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.& m! {" U: h. E7 @: w, _
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.( C- o- D5 w9 B+ p8 S! \% C1 p* Y
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
: R4 O* ^- H- n) N! V* H0 eSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:+ n- x! w8 e' b; S
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ( D8 r( M: ^: @1 L8 b4 G/ B$ a
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
, A; m3 J: z. ZI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
0 M. l" r. ?5 I0 [9 X5 @The emotion and the carma only is a dream.: F1 b* {9 w4 p& D
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night./ x  R: {1 L, R4 R. e- C  M
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.7 X- f/ u- w( I
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
) W4 ?+ k7 K  d- X0 |In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?* L& k) G% W1 r! g
Intoxicated then feel cold,  P/ B3 M2 t) F1 H# ^7 i. r
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.6 h6 _# M# U9 k% Z2 o8 P7 Q8 _* Q. K
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.  w9 s* y) j: T8 N% U  W( L3 A
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?  [3 k8 ?2 B4 x
Why I am always hoodwinked!" {4 `+ C/ `% d4 d( R0 r6 f
I have told myself many times cautiously / N( T( w" z+ P3 b& B! r1 }) ?5 ?
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
2 N9 O/ v! V, D. {2 g  cThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.$ A  g* f2 |$ w" a
Why can`t I take it easy?
: J, L6 i- v3 X1 d: G4 fHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!3 G' J  \6 T2 U& y. I
When the quiet night comes3 e+ S& g/ U5 L( \1 g" Y3 R
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.3 {7 o' Y1 H( L- j) |5 {9 {
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
+ u% L* [6 ~) _, I. mYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
' }- r$ x" {+ qlight the dark corner in my mind.
, P# _' S8 [3 q. Z5 Q' g+ zI feel a bit of cozy.
& X$ p! @& T. vThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
1 K. y4 q8 _& q1 U4 V5 zmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
! o1 O+ _. G) y/ F! {* {1 G/ CI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
+ ?: s+ f9 `+ R! W- n: s/ k" ~but accompanying with the time passed/ k2 @* x- k- z  F9 z& [0 ^
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,% q' a! _  ~. n" N
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.2 K- S& Q, L$ i0 f
Without asking if you like me or if I like you# v' |: ]7 C4 s# U% |
only feel gracious for your existing,: L; ~, f/ I7 o7 n2 z3 n
onlt want to do something for you.
( k7 a8 i) i2 oEvery time when you meet me
, J4 T$ x+ X. D% v3 j2 _' hthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
1 F- Q9 ]3 N8 P, Z: Bbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere6 U% t. R- l$ W2 _2 Y$ q/ S3 m
That live in my heart.
+ z4 T. t- `! Y+ ]1 TDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?: e# A$ B* Z5 h7 ?7 U
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
6 L$ C3 A' r) r) L0 T7 lmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.! Z" e; a5 `, P
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
$ ~$ c3 {) j$ Bsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.5 n0 m, W$ s% t4 v& O' b
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
( g/ K/ D, A0 Xespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.& ~+ w- e' H, X' U9 v( e5 ^
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy # i/ f8 D6 [9 m/ z
only waiting for you quietly
9 ]$ K/ C0 D5 v/ M! w) zjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 X1 ], G5 i& O1 a. SI really want to ramble in the small rain with you 0 y* X9 n$ L1 {6 E
and enjoy the rain washing together- G  K# j2 H( j& `+ c# Z6 ]
or rush to a film0 A$ U* X! x4 ?% a/ Q3 m6 q
or listen to a music quietly.: Y6 [/ b; k4 d/ \3 s# a0 I
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
; V" Z0 ^  g4 Z5 gIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
) Q+ ?% Q3 U' F' q, V4 V' Dsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
8 }# Y9 }4 R) b' z; WThat is enough.- z+ d4 y( T) X( o5 D
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
9 h: e( K2 I# C: k& z/ z# kfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,$ R1 U0 K# X$ j  _7 n* [5 ~
the same as my missing.
+ X- q8 u* e5 k  p+ D6 D0 VIt comes a little bit of verdure.! O! N1 ~! C, I- P( C
If, If some day I can touch your hand, 7 o1 I- e8 q4 ~; `% }5 H* J" ?
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ N& |  `3 z/ ^) F( J7 F9 y* ~Let you touch me gently and read me carefully., r0 }4 Z( A7 O! f6 l1 B
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.9 J' I. x8 |7 O* ~: T+ S6 P
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
+ }( q% m1 S0 m: o: Gthen I will have all care and ardor.
1 [5 {  l' y" A+ l6 J; k+ D$ xShall we walk arm in arm?
5 @1 C+ n2 \! H' W  V2 B; T呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
  F" w, k8 X3 ]; E4 j- NLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
4 }8 v' w7 o9 J+ bI am still the same person of yesterday./ v, d& r+ c2 \
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
- c$ ?$ B+ [$ g' {5 [$ LSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
4 y1 U+ G9 R: d, v: A/ ]Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.' ?: e; e& m- B: _
More or less,
% U# M8 `( W9 i5 |4 ` a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
+ W! F& Q# P9 M% |3 M$ S& t; }# T$ g, X' _: A
Summer easily slips away
0 G! n. z! W1 l' W3 iThose long lost hot nights
& x, }. n  c% h$ N8 K. u% O3 h can only be found in the old days. . ?8 X% u' [4 b5 }" s  a

7 r  `/ A) P1 w1 }. VCats jumping over the window sills,
* ~* B/ w( u/ [! mchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
9 P2 w# _  o- _Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
# \( K3 x1 x  i3 DLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.* a$ m9 d: o+ ]) C
I am still the same person of yesterday.. u8 x" m9 w! v6 e! w
Unchanged name, unchange ...
% k* F: d" @4 s7 z2 \* ?, y
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 7 |- m* Y; w% d- K* G% H/ J( G$ f6 g
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
+ E# [* L' c" P& T9 g  qLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& }! G/ r! k. w' |, f  J! r4 C$ hI am still the same person of yesterday.
/ r2 e7 c7 q. h# }5 o0 BUnchanged name, unchange ...

" c' d3 I7 ?0 }6 w' A4 si like it.
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