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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,5 t% n; {( C  m; ?- U& }# ^
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ) O* V5 {1 w: z) l  u7 }1 S+ O
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
' o" F. e# O7 O: F7 _4 b6 Y现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
& i0 t$ m4 t. E6 W梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
* [3 g/ G7 m  u$ ~眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.$ B5 v3 L: g5 k0 W! y7 W
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
/ X6 \7 E4 k# {' O9 I猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.' Y' @3 l5 S9 k( \/ n' N' J( b/ |
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
# w+ |) \/ S( J我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
: [& v- Z. U: B+ w那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
* G) _8 _- l. N. d, y# V2 C/ a! `" Q世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.& \. C# L0 `1 {! p9 ?
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
; w% }5 z4 y! ]4 P想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. l# t  f# s4 x$ J
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
$ i' B+ h+ I! }$ {寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?4 ~: F& m* \. w* H! q
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
5 B) c7 ?: ?0 [9 g* `迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.( R0 ^: h0 Y* g: x" \
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.% I" J' ?# q& j( O  r& Z4 _
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?! y: ]- [* U6 C" o! l/ ^1 N
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….6 v! _1 C3 `' Z. `% \: C
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously. j+ o) N$ c; L9 t( }
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig./ ?, m( l" m; G, w" d
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,   P- i' b- R2 o9 B
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
0 E5 M. o1 w( B% K; E- B+ S' {多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!3 I3 s6 b% h5 ~. O$ |% K
永难平息的泪
2 W* p! ~" |- U. U" p4 E- P) w; v3 Q0 p每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
% }$ V8 [0 S" \2 I~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.6 U) R9 Q' l: _+ g
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
& Y' L2 n7 t4 z  i  ~6 p3 K让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,; @2 l8 p2 Z. O0 Y+ G" ?; E1 ]
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul $ x4 _1 ^0 t' O
一抹微笑;
7 T! c- {& @( g  K8 Z7 Z% U% R( U一个手势;! H% F2 O% g, Y0 v7 ^
一片话语,* ~1 D  }5 N6 L
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
. U% U) K2 s' ~明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner4 i$ Y, _# f( P; d: J/ H
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
  S, X8 C' _/ D. L6 V6 \这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
5 R- |6 J' I$ G' ]+ ]也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
! {8 j5 X) {! C7 A2 F9 B; O起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,& p, F8 C8 O$ E: V
我并不以为然。
4 g2 x2 M, G' y5 W# o可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
5 p  v; `6 \) R慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .: ~% c6 w1 y. z
被一种情绪所左右,
5 ^* r5 [  c# M总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .0 C5 }4 n5 D. W2 H9 n
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you' Q1 k4 O- x8 _% s& m
也不问我是否喜欢你,# u/ x; L7 _( Z$ o+ Y
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.( P# c1 y: z3 x! N6 H
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you" L& `* m' V$ p" N, v3 \' K
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you# {' V3 V# I0 ~2 u+ i1 T, g
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
, ]2 \: b! \% ]0 C) W然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 3 F: j' ?% P9 T  f- @! C$ Y- U
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
. r- L1 ^- h* v- X: f+ I$ F记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.1 H; c2 }" F7 X2 a4 h0 u3 o
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
# D, y5 W: e; P随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
) d0 x+ L4 {7 C: `7 f; O哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,7 M4 S1 y3 y" Z; f" u) h
一种声音,and your voice
, x4 X& ^% {; W+ o7 e0 {5 d5 |* t也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
; v# U% d9 k) V8 }8 k掺杂著幸福的感觉。8 H5 f0 \% {' h8 Z, C+ F) s, L
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
" j. v/ m/ R7 J2 h9 u象雪花般撒落在我的心田,& R2 ]0 M5 b! E) r
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
- p1 @+ J2 P) ~/ G  N+ ^0 r; @, Z纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。5 k' M; `# n! K/ @' f' p
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
7 `0 S2 \* g3 I* c# a& i有一个能够让思念的人,: J  T. ^* H$ R1 ?8 B3 ?5 t$ d
其实也是一种幸福。8 S0 s6 f7 ]- Q, r
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 9 T' r) l: O) P+ x! W  b1 z9 i/ C
柔柔的海风,
8 t2 M) T" U  D% ]甜甜的夏天。% v1 g/ w3 w5 T) h4 |
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
7 _: i) G9 Z# G/ p: X3 R4 `/ j只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
% y7 X, B! \, `" F( ^* n仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
# {4 y: P# T9 b/ |! ?1 ?3 X( t) B想和你有共同的情结,
' i& @9 h* B. f1 c共同的心愿。7 U8 l# o$ x) {) p
: g8 E9 `4 T, A* c7 C% U

0 L$ U" [6 X- Q' a/ o$ @好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
# @( g8 R) t+ N. t& s一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together5 T+ J+ W- v3 w
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
+ w0 C& ^# z7 i- A7 `1 {/ S或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.0 W9 I/ Y1 ], b& [
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?9 }1 f, |4 K  i
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
; ]/ h. r. m0 _/ h3 q  q' e2 F4 V浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
+ C4 }+ b7 n$ H6 q- m6 C或是轻轻的一吻,
( P0 y  F! J- o% E再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
2 e* b% e3 Z9 N就足够了. That is enough.4 Q5 j- x" }. ?$ |, ]( X
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
4 @8 n- R3 y& o8 t, V% @终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
1 K7 {( r/ i9 D萌出了芽," k2 {8 `: z* F- ~
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
- P2 m* m( m3 l" b+ T浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.2 _. J+ g. F9 R( ~
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand" C( v: r1 O. U
能够牵著你的手,7 y; ~8 |& s8 I8 H# e
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ h. `; E6 a: B$ B; D) g让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
! m1 {) a/ u: a慢慢地细读,/ I1 u, @) L1 Q1 v5 d
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. $ d" }" Z( Q7 H; z# E. Z9 D0 V; _
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ) _+ x+ T1 _; W9 X" r( t& w
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor # N. @3 n+ A$ X. H
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
2 C6 w5 F: F" z' ^现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago+ B8 j6 Q4 @; C* v' b+ [
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
) d1 Z9 {, |* t, F* C+ hchange to:lacked0 j, B3 E9 T0 R; ]
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.* y( a* N* y' O9 L* }
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
8 d( Q+ d" G: ~+ E* F1 s& {$ x5 g6 P 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及% C  {$ u7 v, @- u* [+ u4 z
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.& v, I# w8 A# l3 m  Z* N& n
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
2 a1 I0 q+ M* w' v! Y, |该为:throughyour hands.
% p" s+ J. \9 \还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。. V5 D' t8 j2 E6 g9 B* I" b
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
+ X4 z* A/ V# ]& z) t. _% P- j至少比我强。
- C* ~! }+ `& `偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
4 Y3 U: E0 }4 d) P/ q  D
* o2 j% q, @! [  c2 L2 u这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
. v. y1 u! u2 T2 d后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
/ G% o7 E2 {9 H' `4 M9 h1 r谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
5 t. R8 c: |* z) B% }* T前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:1 \3 `) V5 b; j$ X
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
8 ?' }$ O* Y6 r: C5 KPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.8 {: _! p4 @4 L8 z, K& x9 _  I
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
5 a# [/ C5 t+ x5 `The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking." S3 r7 }$ i& j/ A  y8 D
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.) C3 ?# a0 L8 V7 c' x
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:( R, F* _2 q9 l) I9 H
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
! m3 f  ~9 _2 F' ?' o; Xlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.* [  z7 S+ R- {8 z  h9 M: x6 d
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.. w$ ]+ q7 i$ l: l( t$ ?5 f' @
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.6 s: u; r" d2 P7 B" l
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
  t- W; u& ]* \) aI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
' y2 [/ B* _& ~: }& Q7 f. hI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.$ H2 s; g4 _* c" i. _; L
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
" n6 i' W& ?9 y9 ]( k% }- rIntoxicated then feel cold,0 I( T4 U( {5 z1 ^
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
& g3 K. W& Y! O  b( \0 D) J' rI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
- k' j' ]& O' Q5 ZThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?/ P5 L- X3 ?! j& S; E% ^3 P* E6 Z
Why I am always hoodwinked!3 u' c% o" a- z  ?/ X/ t, I
I have told myself many times cautiously ( F: R5 d, b0 j, h
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.) [) q# ?& T1 I  b9 @+ G
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
+ |+ }- T9 ]4 K, j8 u: OWhy can`t I take it easy?
1 j7 y8 m6 S2 `5 rHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!% v7 b4 M$ J/ ^' d' g; O4 i* O
When the quiet night comes
+ |) j! S. k7 H/ W. n: Qyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.% Y8 Y5 U1 W) n6 F2 H
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
' l: Y: i$ c! @) |0 b# B. yYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
; m0 X" M# u$ c- U& N8 Nlight the dark corner in my mind.
1 w& O) c1 C$ WI feel a bit of cozy.6 A! [$ K$ k) G6 K9 M7 G
The deep attached to you in a twinkling6 e- C0 o" l+ s
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
. @; n& X4 V& K. @3 L" B/ u4 pI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
: `+ Y. t) g  tbut accompanying with the time passed
# Y3 H% T, p( O2 r5 X4 SI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
( }' n6 W3 D# ?4 z7 T, Y- balways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.$ o- L- i9 v. V5 i1 e- ^* a5 a; {
Without asking if you like me or if I like you9 P! t$ s2 Q; @" E
only feel gracious for your existing,* Y4 k/ O9 ], i5 ?! P
onlt want to do something for you.
3 \( W" M! c; K# }+ wEvery time when you meet me4 Y5 @2 F0 f8 W7 J
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,  T6 e) v+ e) ~7 F
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere( A! j5 |: W' t* a" F8 W% ^
That live in my heart.
  V/ E. S5 S+ B" ?+ JDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
) U% j$ k8 z! m7 [5 HEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice3 E7 j& l: U) j1 n& Y/ E
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
2 a2 u' z3 k5 z' Z0 c9 X8 bThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land" a$ b1 N9 {7 P! r
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.9 [$ c2 k1 }1 j# n) k. x$ i$ M
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,+ ?# n0 w/ p9 }
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.0 H2 _7 y3 m( [8 L
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
1 ~& M- F/ T$ j2 gonly waiting for you quietly6 l, E; s% d# s
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
* \- a6 _7 ~1 h  Z' uI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
4 E3 g3 J( C+ ?! G# y+ n7 Hand enjoy the rain washing together8 k) m, b/ K! F% r8 W1 |+ O
or rush to a film
0 _" F: A1 N" Z; Por listen to a music quietly.
; x. ^  [* I  @3 }2 l1 ZWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?" d2 f. Q& T" y7 W/ y
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
% y" a$ t2 m5 [5 T! V, Q6 w( ^smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
+ N" I$ F& O: u  n+ [7 `/ oThat is enough.
$ U7 e! G, r$ ]" T, G- ~5 \' UMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,4 g+ z% W! r+ h/ x! ~, r  V
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,) \' E$ ~1 |4 L) F- L, O
the same as my missing.% ?: f3 r) ]/ {; p. A
It comes a little bit of verdure.
; R$ s7 p; r7 ^  |. F* vIf, If some day I can touch your hand, 8 R  m3 P( K" |! ^
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
' a: g& n+ _( lLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
) [5 X' x0 B. ^% B1 C: L3 l$ dI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.0 M( @, m* j8 C
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,+ k9 x& I3 m* G0 X1 [
then I will have all care and ardor.
2 o% E$ v! _% qShall we walk arm in arm?
: x. [$ K: Q8 X1 d4 T! p呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.! a9 _- j( Q9 U
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.) l. {( u% q# W$ F) `% F& j
I am still the same person of yesterday.8 H, a5 }7 j$ W
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
/ y% \  f4 O4 c) S. VSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
' \( q. v% ]$ ?& X. a2 bLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.7 |& q( D' o6 O" Z* B
More or less,
" J' c" E4 e! k# N! |( i9 l a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.! \6 H( P3 |% b

& Q' z5 |- u5 JSummer easily slips away- h# Q4 J0 e, X1 v) ^1 S/ M
Those long lost hot nights" o8 v' j# X1 k. r
can only be found in the old days. 4 x* O/ n  N* U1 I0 O, U0 j! R

  z2 R1 f# y* PCats jumping over the window sills,
0 a- i8 b3 |" e3 G" }) F6 kchasing around in the breeziness.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ' ^1 \% m; A0 E/ K% ]0 T
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% t5 u0 p- u* e' SLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around./ F; i; B  E# a: l! d- K' a
I am still the same person of yesterday.2 _% p0 T) W$ }6 `; D2 X0 m
Unchanged name, unchange ...
0 D4 _8 h) Z( e! ]8 ~  Z5 L: |( R
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 7 Z' Z8 u- I, v5 h4 b0 G
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
0 A, g% J8 }+ v' }$ E$ g' sLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.3 e/ n2 |  s: v: b
I am still the same person of yesterday.
# n4 p; k7 X' h% A) ]7 u0 BUnchanged name, unchange ...

* X' M, o: i8 \! m$ s, gi like it.
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