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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,- {: w* P' s# p3 p9 k. O
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ' {% t8 h* T. Q) n: x+ H# U; u
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
2 H2 c7 z: f4 [现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.0 p* V  u9 e7 T8 v
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
+ O) z( F, o" g  q8 z- V4 h- w眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
9 [. e) h2 R3 T# n9 J夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
7 {/ _" d2 `* F0 i: t, q猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.9 T1 s# e$ w) l3 e5 ~" T
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
& q  Q- U0 H: n+ q: [' @我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
' T& s" P2 n9 G2 I! R+ Q) p# z那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
! H3 m/ M- Z) u  T2 \% `世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.( b/ m) w  ^( E* [1 p
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.. V4 b9 F9 L, s# \1 c3 ^
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
0 k3 q' t( o" g6 k% O% @最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
2 j3 i5 A0 H+ _7 w( N- l  H寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
/ Y! ~$ }3 N, }% j' ^/ ?1 X+ y, S醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
6 a8 L; A4 [6 K迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.& T& C7 e4 @# }; E! J) P9 a
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
* t. ?: B; F7 C- k3 Q* \多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?6 H3 f6 q9 J7 m5 g' @
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….3 R9 E. E7 w9 d  f
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously0 o% S1 {; ?5 ^3 g
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.$ `( b8 u% ~. I- t
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, $ f- N( c7 h5 I' A0 O0 i8 t
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
: c' a8 l/ ^' ^% o; R/ D# {  Z多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
. u7 D% h6 c& J. p( M永难平息的泪9 S  j  F( p9 N, P6 X
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes$ U" |& d: S. e
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
! n  ]. ], E2 ?当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.! S0 {( s; Z' U* |& @
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
# t5 \/ z5 Z' w8 {0 Y2 A/ f5 w! O你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
  V' W" w( t# g$ ~一抹微笑;& E( L+ p" I  F0 M% N  ~4 x
一个手势;
) E: P) a) a% r一片话语,+ {3 F' Y5 V2 t  x# d
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
. J2 q" c4 k; Z& J+ D. p1 f明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
( P" n9 Y6 y% R& x; Y' ^# k心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.+ k+ N4 s, i( z* y7 h7 L/ s
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
. e  p, C% v7 u4 X/ H/ c2 ]. {0 q也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..8 o" j9 U  H: a6 z% s
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
, F! W7 n2 b# Y7 g9 t; r1 o我并不以为然。/ C7 i7 u8 v9 P  d
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
9 O$ Z0 v& w" c# i, X慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
# e5 G3 S  W- A) A, G被一种情绪所左右,9 s' ?4 p3 X3 T' s( s3 I8 |
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .4 U8 ~2 Y% A- P6 Q. _) |, E8 g
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you) ]- p9 z5 x5 q8 n" I- Q6 `
也不问我是否喜欢你,8 D# A' ~/ i5 F) y
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.( M6 P1 P# s$ k7 X* t
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
( \& V0 D% c  T, x3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you# x+ T1 T% z. q! R$ S- s# D
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil& z' a1 }- Y: O* N2 Q
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere * P% s; s; Z1 E3 ^
你的身影已化成一种氛围,9 s. f) }. C2 s* f6 f' w) E
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
3 h, v( d' T" u你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
. x: i  V- S9 B- B* [随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字, _, R2 Y' m. ]8 f
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,& k2 V- M' n# y* z: h1 U0 D6 |
一种声音,and your voice
4 ]6 w' k9 e% X7 ~% L也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
- p4 u" s% o' G; W: Y6 P掺杂著幸福的感觉。2 o6 W4 ]4 x$ p% D
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
. ]9 ~) |& v9 S, B1 V象雪花般撒落在我的心田,1 i: m: q* S7 G% B
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
1 V% k) c- ?4 ?纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。" V' T# J, E( N% W/ |& n
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
$ C" i8 B/ ^3 I: ?0 P. D有一个能够让思念的人,
0 c: n1 ^& p4 L! K: R其实也是一种幸福。
+ Y. u' u5 C( q% v8 @) F尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 9 }! V. }2 h2 h( Y( o
柔柔的海风,
1 n: Z- B  ]& r& _  O) o% `; p甜甜的夏天。, F. B: G. ?& e
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
8 g9 M4 d8 h' K" Z* S$ A只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
' [* {* ^0 z% a% D( c' w仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do." [# s$ p5 K9 m
想和你有共同的情结,7 m# u1 D! v" N0 Y; p7 a9 i' F) R
共同的心愿。2 Y1 U8 z% K* w" _: X

4 g( E5 p- m, n. c1 i- _* [' d9 f0 A- {9 e% P" O9 O; Y9 L
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you  D( ~# `" \6 N" @
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together& k1 O6 h, ^5 g+ o' c! u
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
7 c& h) w: A# G0 S或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
3 `# y6 h  G. n) y7 N! A5 R0 E  @3 C6 }『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
7 I$ J$ ^" p& S% g! f8 f我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
; f4 H$ v2 }& J; E- Y% q: I浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”$ Z+ y4 }. W( Y- ]" Z& s  S8 n
或是轻轻的一吻,/ S: M+ Y' w: I/ f; }  o6 I
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
1 T% I" P; f1 P, T, c就足够了. That is enough.* E; z+ Z5 Z* x0 s
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
' H1 d0 L  u) o, k3 A1 ~6 M终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
- M/ o1 \, E6 z+ F, f4 A萌出了芽,: Q0 R6 W7 {# n! a
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
! \- T8 W' O2 q7 _浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
& f8 g1 d: |/ d/ [如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
$ }) Q  i* K/ H) O4 X, T: l" x能够牵著你的手,$ u& V: g: o$ s8 {
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
9 P& _. L/ l8 @0 e3 ?2 u9 U让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
0 L" \2 t5 h! D+ N慢慢地细读,
& Z! m$ ?+ c6 S0 Z我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 4 \; K9 P. m- @1 o: `$ G) ^
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
" O4 {1 p0 p1 Z我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ( X. F# s: Y) B  g6 ?
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
0 V2 d, |! Y% P现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago' ?  Z7 \0 S, z& G- v
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
5 s0 J% L$ D" d; Echange to:lacked$ w5 e, j0 Q! n0 z/ K2 ^8 A
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
5 v: p+ C8 ]5 |Cats often played at the whole hot night.! G) u& D* `5 P! i% V2 T  q
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
+ x( `0 z& Y* j  \6 S4 B改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
. v7 I! f+ W. Z1 ~I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
  Y/ P; S1 ^* F% c0 m该为:throughyour hands.- ~0 }$ `4 E% G+ Z7 a' P3 r' S
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
大型搬家
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。  y' c) n; g  g
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
3 X1 z9 p# ]2 U/ E至少比我强。& M: l# y" Z" V% w% O% A' r
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
7 c. J. j+ }. A1 Q/ \; U/ @1 B, z# g- [. [) `$ ^( Z) y
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
% Z  W9 p9 t8 J  d后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
% C3 s1 q6 n8 f3 X/ _; {谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
, ~$ ^! d) D7 ^4 v前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
( `( ?$ ?" T& \5 [5 @" l# O  b" aEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.1 F" ~  m! n/ K* ^
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.2 {5 }1 T7 F4 [! r3 r$ j3 O
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
4 r. }% I6 \* e: p) h8 X$ ?The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
3 h5 v1 |9 E. ~3 T. Q, v! jSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
/ V+ Y$ \% F- I8 S! iSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
2 H4 I6 C8 K' aCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
  H+ \  X. x( glike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
( c: x7 ~7 F8 S. nI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
$ v8 ^: s4 ~% dThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.1 v% N5 G# ?/ f5 W. v2 a! N+ b
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
1 V$ T& {* \) V( Y6 Z$ Q' B1 EI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
3 P5 o1 D* \  W7 A8 fI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.- d: i, w1 c' }
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?$ |$ `3 j# z* n! `# F$ Z4 m
Intoxicated then feel cold,$ P1 Q3 X( a6 R' d! Y7 T
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
0 g1 w9 e5 P7 a: P3 p; cI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.+ j% g1 A, }3 L
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?, S7 R: y" x8 B6 C$ V2 _
Why I am always hoodwinked!
4 m# _' a" V6 L$ l- _3 ^2 xI have told myself many times cautiously
( Q9 V) c% i% _don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
7 N7 D9 k& E1 ~8 b7 mThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.) k( y) r8 |  p1 l* M1 s/ W
Why can`t I take it easy?
. e+ j( N+ T- z4 V6 B( l! |How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!! R4 [) g8 \- U+ Q  Z
When the quiet night comes7 G2 v, V) W- U' G, k! o3 d  X
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.; H9 m/ R1 o, Q: b
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.3 W! D1 ]* W% j+ |
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
  d, W+ w' V7 N0 g# ?# Dlight the dark corner in my mind.0 J1 d! D$ a9 Z: h4 Y( M
I feel a bit of cozy.( _' c) H" v0 R* z6 b% I! R: h
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
4 N# L. d; S8 q, w4 v* ?6 Qmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.0 t+ |: X. {1 I8 P+ K' W+ i0 {
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
! w9 |1 w) m2 ~! p. o' f* ibut accompanying with the time passed
$ y: }1 G% ~( A: g6 gI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,3 A# i; x# X2 o- n9 a: |
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
) Q7 p& ~  r; L# C% DWithout asking if you like me or if I like you, T5 r+ F8 c! A6 j
only feel gracious for your existing," ^1 R$ x% V0 X! j1 |" }
onlt want to do something for you.
9 a& g: `; s- e$ xEvery time when you meet me" l" }4 O/ ^" o! `6 t
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
" s8 I0 R2 _/ rbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
7 {* {3 z% ~1 ~, h' U+ ]! ~That live in my heart.
# \, d) ]; R4 q7 nDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
" p; O) t( b! REven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice2 X2 Z; y, |1 r# N# Y
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
! C- v/ e6 W! p( m" DThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
$ i8 Z1 A, Q' k: dsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.  ]+ l: V5 \, A, p/ U9 P
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,. O+ ]2 X- o! a+ o
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
" N" w- |% s( l$ B- VSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
2 j+ {) F" x* \6 _1 J) W+ I/ Tonly waiting for you quietly
- b( C4 _% A5 K/ X( L) x- o( ljust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
4 V6 {* L$ }4 O$ Z6 a$ H4 A# i, kI really want to ramble in the small rain with you , r% ~) A1 c& V. e  i  |# \+ ~
and enjoy the rain washing together
( a2 n* @+ |* A0 t0 D% E7 a! B# X+ tor rush to a film6 ~: r  K4 _4 j* V6 z- w$ ?8 |  D
or listen to a music quietly.
3 k- d, t$ F# E) q: qWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?* P' k" X5 h7 u' {- X1 M3 S$ T
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,# \+ J  D9 F& Y) g; f$ a, D
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".* |5 U6 V; ~8 v& \( a1 k/ z  O
That is enough.
; [2 T6 ^- @2 G, m8 G( @, fMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
; ]: ?/ H4 j: d8 E8 E2 R8 gfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
) B: I  ^! s5 m* W  b( y1 Cthe same as my missing.+ C* U! s* W% f- p( z# M
It comes a little bit of verdure.0 }9 ~1 y+ S+ f8 p2 c* @, e" @
If, If some day I can touch your hand, . L8 ]+ |* g) N2 g* l& v
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.3 L2 U4 V3 S8 Z! n' t9 m
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.: ^. s5 P$ Y5 W9 F" {# Q
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
) }4 y+ ]% n: R# RAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
. g0 l* K" R( ~then I will have all care and ardor.  N- o4 t. \/ v1 s
Shall we walk arm in arm?) L( |  J* G3 T' o
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.' Y$ [/ J: g4 m6 |
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. x( o* b7 P" [  j5 `I am still the same person of yesterday.
, `% Q( N) p) t3 d2 f: m& P! ~: H) \# ~Unchanged name, unchanged I.7 |% A# M+ \8 i0 D% m
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 8 g7 L: U. e9 r
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
  L- e" j& }6 r' j# b1 tMore or less,
2 r$ c1 h6 R% h" t a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.1 u5 {8 U  Z( D6 \& l. e
4 u7 `4 }- g' [  t" q
Summer easily slips away
( `  e# U2 |( O3 n% `Those long lost hot nights
" C" C1 P4 X( Q1 ?4 ^) C can only be found in the old days.
1 e  V: ?1 K9 x8 U8 f' T% b* j) U! n6 Z/ r6 W
Cats jumping over the window sills, . w; k$ _0 q' f8 @
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( B6 I9 \0 ^5 E4 `Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.! m% T$ V6 E' ]+ Q8 v
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 D# x; b& \9 x6 g" U% a
I am still the same person of yesterday.6 K# B' y8 J7 `9 ~9 ]
Unchanged name, unchange ...
# E/ n. H' p& i6 A" r8 F
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ' J8 @6 x8 ]" \5 b. r
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% L1 q' D# Z6 E1 @3 s" ]
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around." H9 o/ t! l7 S5 {, p! p4 _; y
I am still the same person of yesterday.% n* r" ^: O0 @' Z
Unchanged name, unchange ...
8 y* B. n) e9 I# F1 e+ D0 U2 C# a
i like it.
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