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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,! [/ x7 E  z3 |7 u( m1 r* s
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  , O, F; c: g* B
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
9 @; V+ Z' T+ }0 k现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.$ ^1 H$ W# l5 l* E
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
, W$ O) ]) Z  e6 }& i  c眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
4 w0 w& j' J$ z) Y0 ]4 Z夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
( ^& z& H' d/ `" M7 k; z猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.7 O1 P8 F+ e+ E2 Y3 i+ [! n) |. ^
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.1 N+ y9 ]. q! E: J
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
- ?- A+ b( ?0 Z$ y那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。% I; O7 G; h0 T& o; K
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.. O. R9 C( x3 D$ B0 ~5 ?, B. M
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
: Z! L/ a+ s7 _; C+ M( L) H/ h想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
9 _# y  q7 ~/ g, k6 r最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
1 W% E1 v( k; [8 Z9 k寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?7 X" d+ O# v7 o$ G. ]: W; O
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.) D; H# z) k( ?( R! }8 x! {$ ^2 B
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.. V: P/ ]$ a% _( K! u8 Z8 @
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have./ G5 ^- ?8 m7 g  F9 C1 a% o
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
2 I2 U- |7 h1 |4 @: r0 W2 n2 bWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
3 Z: O/ y$ k: |5 U1 Y, W多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously7 `7 w+ j6 ?$ O5 n$ f- Q4 t  Q6 w
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
, G% T' N7 O4 x; C! q8 Z) m多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
1 ?" j0 B, V7 p; u  n! V为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
3 a+ z8 A5 V0 a# Q多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
0 P  ?( o; k4 o& r$ z  \& S2 ^! E4 x5 R永难平息的泪
6 `5 p7 n4 m- K: \8 D/ [+ j每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
% c' b. v/ g  g% y3 L, E# W~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.% w5 ~' P1 Z- E
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
* {$ P- g  U7 T" J) p' O让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
! Z1 C0 f: Z3 H2 k你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 5 H: S6 q. u- G
一抹微笑;) Y" a; `9 @& R7 F
一个手势;/ V/ n, j& z+ z
一片话语,4 F9 [; [: F2 O% ], c4 I( Y
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、& m: x4 W9 }% M
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner0 c$ B( h. t$ g
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.; s4 X0 m# o' r) ?. w0 `; B4 _
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
( ^# z# c( s$ \2 f; |也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..) x1 x# m/ |7 M" f# `: H
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,; V+ F1 w" n8 Q  z
我并不以为然。
; v. s; c$ `4 g! \+ l" E8 V可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
; `( L, u4 M, `慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
6 U3 w" O3 \5 W7 \2 i: O6 ?2 O! r被一种情绪所左右,
- o/ ^) ?9 K1 L  y' t/ p% V总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .' d2 g  z5 ]2 \, R, ^1 r
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
9 Z! h% [4 t% b* s- a6 F也不问我是否喜欢你,# G5 ]8 _# m* H" t
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
9 {! Z( L: Z! u# Q只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you* j4 A9 I& t# f9 ~8 F8 s
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you2 k% X9 j9 [3 k7 U8 _
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
+ X- c2 g' Z3 n% Q2 ~/ W6 l然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% |1 b  ^" I+ L, O6 W' T) a3 J6 z你的身影已化成一种氛围,8 _& L( b- w) X5 y
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.* I( L; G1 }1 B( y
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
" ~2 o2 T1 X6 V( Y, T随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字0 K- L7 W$ |$ t/ T) y( u
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,. g4 U& w1 T' d0 j: Q
一种声音,and your voice/ T# I2 {& ^8 h* h0 p) K5 a
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.) [/ N. X: t6 K" \
掺杂著幸福的感觉。1 M# {0 \2 m3 e# i
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land7 p9 [2 q  D1 G* h; |- g; w
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
7 ?. u- C4 L. [% a2 H倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
8 ^( g4 R  B# k( A8 K" I纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。( l7 N) `$ W- K* y3 Q, @
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss- a5 w/ i+ q, E3 \9 b1 F% V- G$ g
有一个能够让思念的人,
/ l! l$ `# X% @* m2 {其实也是一种幸福。$ P5 L: H9 _" r' }0 P9 H
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
+ Q7 i; ^" S7 ^2 s* @柔柔的海风,
! a& k8 B/ U- A/ h  B  s甜甜的夏天。3 s- U) J# L* _. M" H  L
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
9 W* V% F' D0 r+ b" ^只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.8 @/ p) k# O' l; d
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
4 [; C* h0 ~' Z想和你有共同的情结,
; a$ `" s) Q5 C7 M5 \+ ]  S  X( A共同的心愿。
, V/ x+ U; _& a$ H0 Y3 l1 R; a1 x" E8 B! s) m8 l
( w9 i- `; D1 I- Z9 x; i2 G
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you$ ?; a# y; T4 R
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
6 l- V7 Y8 Z+ L+ t  x) K, k或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
( R  q, G- T6 j$ C7 Y1 E" P或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
; z5 d! Z5 R) s/ u5 c『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
* A3 ]  o1 ]! x/ t9 L我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, * p& J8 o4 x& Z2 ]
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
* f& ]/ y/ R- F: S, h或是轻轻的一吻,
3 {4 h" P6 G' i: H再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
* a6 P: q8 G# |8 e* L就足够了. That is enough.
3 y, c% a% U7 U5 ~这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 2 ^3 x2 D- t* k
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.: \. H. A8 I2 g0 B: i5 X# w/ G: o
萌出了芽,
2 }3 ^" f: O/ o6 F一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
* T5 v* K3 E; E* y  ~) O浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.# P. E/ a/ F$ o) D
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
# k# J+ J4 U7 Y7 B能够牵著你的手,
, d& I+ W& W9 v6 k2 J% _那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
7 H! J; G. m1 M" n. y让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. ' y9 ?2 g- N) B7 S4 q
慢慢地细读,5 `; }' T% o- A3 {; A! ?
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. " v9 b0 Y9 b2 K4 V
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
# R6 c$ l* e  q! p我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor / f3 h/ f& \# V- `/ W) l" E. u( j
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:5 L6 o- W# ~# P! h
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago: X+ w. G0 y- b* r
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.* d( s- }, U$ U; j
change to:lacked! n: {' W% O/ F% w# C1 o
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool./ v4 m0 V3 D3 u: [
Cats often played at the whole hot night.# d& u! N" B" h7 j" K0 Q! l
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及% u7 j- m* f( {0 Y/ j7 B+ j
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
: g" y4 C0 f/ M4 Y" }. _  MI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
& f+ i+ b* C& x/ X. \2 f0 S* F2 b该为:throughyour hands.4 F9 Y8 k0 Z. p. v+ }( R- c
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
$ ]& ?& c  c1 r5 i7 l不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。7 |$ n, z8 [) f' u6 a) g/ u
至少比我强。
, M: _/ B: R/ U! e" ^. p2 K( Z偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... # I4 y" Y( p  g; k: W8 d

# \# {  C7 r% Y这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。4 w( c! K; O' d' @4 y
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
0 M0 P  Q! G5 s7 q5 x6 f6 l谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
$ ]9 U1 R8 ]. d# \前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:- T; x5 J- U7 n, A8 I* w- y: V& c
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
/ `" C" I+ r/ `( g6 h- y1 L& z) CPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.4 y  @& X- x8 q/ W5 u" Q! @$ G, Z
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.& ]9 {. T+ N6 V8 F+ q5 y. u
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
3 G- N& q% c6 p: K7 f/ OSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
5 q7 O( A* t* g. dSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
$ U% z, [' E9 p: D. n, i3 Z, sCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool : A9 j/ J1 }/ O7 A" b7 N
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
6 P" S) \3 F- w8 q" ]/ TI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
* z/ u& \* C" N1 k% n  I" h. fThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.$ v* E8 a) A# S. l9 H' O
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.. @  z1 h8 |* V5 o& G% I& s1 N, r
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
: E% d0 y# m; }5 {: M8 SI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.- `4 \( D* v, W. H2 z  }9 ?3 X
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
! m! u' L: Q2 I4 [3 v4 P3 `6 R' BIntoxicated then feel cold,! `: m! [! T* X# r. Q. W/ K
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.- ^* g. H' P' C# G* L+ L4 n+ Q
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
6 P! C9 j4 e: g  uThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?" ]5 {" {, k# |' y
Why I am always hoodwinked!6 d* b; q  F  j5 G
I have told myself many times cautiously
' f; z! x5 m& p& d& M. g8 K- Gdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
; k( Q1 Y2 O# `3 _The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.$ B, c) q2 \( O- q+ Q
Why can`t I take it easy?
. e3 a6 @& |+ D: x4 IHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!) ^1 w2 S5 h  P, z) G' z3 J
When the quiet night comes
" q& x) k5 R; X4 Oyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.3 }, N* ?7 d( m* Q
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.! e8 a) H/ H; g  n
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
, Z- Z6 |) t# @/ U5 i, n" jlight the dark corner in my mind." @- k8 `0 f- r2 F" s/ i; r4 Q
I feel a bit of cozy.
; n- K! y6 J0 `; Y  B# q9 @* gThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
- t% M: N6 N. q/ h! A3 rmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.9 d" Z  \- C) N( E1 |* O6 g
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
7 F; M( ^0 {5 x4 G5 \( v8 ?; Ubut accompanying with the time passed! x8 y0 ]6 g% m7 u* W
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,/ E& I& h; x4 C1 }
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
/ Z5 `- Z3 R( z$ o& U( \, @; sWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
9 w3 t9 x: w7 @8 N( N+ c( ~; conly feel gracious for your existing,
3 Y$ g- o+ H  ionlt want to do something for you.
/ _$ d' T- c/ U% t0 K( qEvery time when you meet me
2 F% u! ?7 Y. t6 u+ w, c8 nthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
; n! m8 U  v# jbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
5 o. c9 S& g5 Z2 f  q; g: VThat live in my heart.
' `0 p3 L# s4 pDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
3 o' Y; ?. k8 U1 LEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
! o9 j4 O: i- X% m, c$ d) p: k- w2 emake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
$ |7 c* B' l( Q% |( T9 e5 VThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land0 ?' B0 V' ~: i9 \9 B( p9 b4 I+ a- w7 k
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
- C7 q. C; N: A6 d3 r" h" \Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
$ Y! L. y" ]6 ]" ~3 N& G; Iespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
1 l' O" G& C8 x+ QSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
3 \$ ^& O( d! p1 l( I/ r8 tonly waiting for you quietly
, k$ T& H% U7 P% x7 Djust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
. c  V, S" O- d0 G  SI really want to ramble in the small rain with you ! v# d: d# f& U% u
and enjoy the rain washing together9 v. X9 {7 @/ v2 T
or rush to a film
$ u5 y% t/ ], ^' w6 P) u0 V: Qor listen to a music quietly.8 n' \4 P+ Z; w0 b  u
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?5 y( ]1 t; l; L9 l8 b  U9 q3 U
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
$ l4 ~: G  K: R8 t% ?/ J8 x( bsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
8 s/ d( R# W7 d% K! [- m" @: tThat is enough.& S& j( ?- @4 `$ T! {! a- K
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,. G) _8 {2 @; V1 n$ Y& W) V% S
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,8 _: y) `, ?' D
the same as my missing./ n: k7 q2 ~1 m. ?% W) J* r
It comes a little bit of verdure.' C* i! f7 Y+ V9 |
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
' ^" N) r6 D" M1 j: S5 M6 w1 Xthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 W) k6 R, F: G+ k' O
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.6 ^# t4 w8 r+ d6 W
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.# T2 Y% G* c) R& F6 f& V- F$ G: ~
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,5 b; ~6 }1 }" T7 J" w) o) A& [- a
then I will have all care and ardor.
* t2 v  L* Q( B+ wShall we walk arm in arm?
& f: l  h9 x. o% r3 B呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.( s# _7 e% q/ ~3 v; G5 R) R
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around., E6 {8 c5 E/ A% Y
I am still the same person of yesterday.
. X( U+ k/ d7 I2 z5 B8 oUnchanged name, unchanged I.5 D% w2 g* Y. t. m6 t
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. , c! N1 H# C  C: \  b6 w
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk." z) V. M5 _7 W/ H8 u
More or less,; p- g9 e1 U# K3 J' f! a8 G: ?
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
5 g  n* i& N' k& q
: |7 R0 S# R: Q0 N5 @Summer easily slips away
. s# k8 [. V( E8 q0 TThose long lost hot nights
% j/ G; @" }2 X. }+ A, p5 x0 H can only be found in the old days.
) P! }9 @3 o% p/ l6 X! y% f, D! G8 B1 T8 I2 w2 J- Y
Cats jumping over the window sills, 3 u) t& |0 A- \2 B9 j  k4 a8 O4 n
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
" A& _7 O6 m( N3 |) L& ^4 d+ [2 nGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
. N1 p; p: @" C6 Y7 M: {3 JLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around./ y: i9 s" J" L: I1 P/ P& u. z
I am still the same person of yesterday." {* t: S2 u6 K& |! u# J! p
Unchanged name, unchange ...
+ U& ~1 Q; L" Z- i" g  \; D
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 + |: w6 v# I, g: |- ^& H
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
8 l8 A% `- k$ v& ?  zLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
# u% v8 R1 \' u* q  |I am still the same person of yesterday./ c/ R( W7 q6 f# L
Unchanged name, unchange ...
, R- t1 Q/ Z, T
i like it.
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