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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
+ `- I0 K; d" `) ~1 ?3 N,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  5 ~1 F7 j) E- k* z% E2 p
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
1 D* Z/ x8 A2 s! `+ h现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
7 O; `/ R. `/ X. `梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
0 x; Z. C8 f2 ]$ |5 `5 a6 t3 w, r4 C眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
* ]8 S6 \. E1 P夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.8 }. I9 N6 D$ T" M  o- x
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.  J/ _! Q$ i8 w0 V+ Y
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
; X3 D" w* T4 r* j, d我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及7 l) }& W: ^3 B( V8 i* C
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。7 V: {8 G( h7 T
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.+ o& F/ k3 q* h
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.0 C4 Y9 `& w$ A/ w2 I! M
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.1 M' c2 k2 f0 _
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 5 w9 F# e5 W$ x) N
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
. \1 E+ S7 y8 \% y醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
* O' z. m0 i" }* t迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.  V* x  o! w: {: V. }& N& b
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
) }  I2 L& ]. F, E( \! G+ A多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
, q! {+ ^: }# c* j  PWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
. q2 }' K% k( b) n- z( Z) W3 M. S多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
% t& }! H2 F: }$ Z: [5 C2 C. C不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
) ^2 |; s# W" R0 D+ ]3 ~/ L6 D4 A) p3 |多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
( }- L7 R3 L  W2 d为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
: w. A/ @1 E+ d多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!3 P$ h' o, N6 o0 V+ f. x' [
永难平息的泪6 p& d9 R9 i* n( J, Z4 q+ F
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
  c' A2 S4 g  A0 f~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.- S  A4 A1 r! g' `& v, u, d
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.5 n0 B1 s+ _' h( h
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
: T( M, K& E" \* A" X1 O你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
. u! B. Y* D) t6 ?一抹微笑;2 ^$ i. v9 n' P) S5 O
一个手势;
* p, @% \' g. _一片话语,
9 L) M' o9 O, y/ G6 u: |, M愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、# Z, b( I6 `5 K- m
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
# _2 q  d5 j+ w+ q心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.. ]  n$ e; v* J  J8 Z
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
5 ?( ^$ _) y6 \. m9 n) G. R也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
. a; q! @. _1 b, b1 {起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,( S; ]' R7 q+ z% ~# d. k+ K
我并不以为然。
+ B' Q" `9 Y. G4 u0 B可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
: h: k( G4 @4 F7 F慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .% V! n7 P6 }9 C# ~8 [
被一种情绪所左右,( D% p2 o1 B% O- o, u' H) h4 s
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .7 h+ T* S  ]1 W2 S5 s; r: }$ s+ A
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
$ F; _# \" k& E; s6 v1 O也不问我是否喜欢你,* }) d" P: h2 u, y4 ?! W$ b; l
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.  H9 E, m8 ?! ^
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
! z( [8 y; |+ m0 J* y* Z; m3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you4 M6 s: g% h1 f  z$ u
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil' L7 o! @4 S0 `9 R; s! s
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
" s, |5 \5 o* U- Z7 e; ^8 m. M你的身影已化成一种氛围,# _: s# B1 ~& f% r; q, g
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.+ H3 [1 B4 r6 y- ?1 z: A3 V5 G0 |. a" a
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
) _  W4 \& |5 m2 g; Y1 I' z随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字* B" c2 j( Y, i$ w% j
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
  D; W8 W6 a* I! K' `! ^8 Z一种声音,and your voice/ Z+ }6 {. ^0 q: p3 p4 R) P/ H1 W
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
8 I# N- [8 V+ [+ R8 U- h掺杂著幸福的感觉。
; {" F- l/ y) b. a与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
$ k) ?6 d0 Y1 c5 i$ D) w象雪花般撒落在我的心田,8 @, Q% O7 S8 W; k8 H
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.8 [9 }: K0 _% I  P
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
- S( c& T3 @8 k% [你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
  Y5 q+ S& Y: N, Q' Z有一个能够让思念的人,
0 y! P6 D4 K4 I4 A: U; w" i其实也是一种幸福。
8 u% A' @( _* ?/ {尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
, B/ o1 O  S* B) x柔柔的海风,- K5 c4 u; p- @0 v+ ]
甜甜的夏天。
4 A" E( N4 a, i$ h一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 7 O+ P) v' E  v
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.0 j8 H& M6 [. C0 h
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.' M  f7 J- B" s* O- N9 I3 x$ t( _
想和你有共同的情结,' h$ B+ e, I) S7 m, ?' E0 Q/ W2 I8 {
共同的心愿。
5 {% h' s/ G" n/ v
# d/ v9 o% M. G2 m" n8 b2 o
4 w0 T2 o$ G+ I0 g好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you& [+ {/ N' P0 l/ U; Q# T
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together8 g- J7 \, t! L( d, F
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
) H" i  ]) K9 @" i9 [) f) \3 ~- j或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.% y0 K  l2 H- f: ~3 C% b
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?& @9 [/ i* K9 I% E
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
5 x6 v  T) b" f, ~! H' {/ E浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”4 D6 T7 W/ ?7 G. K) D8 C1 H
或是轻轻的一吻,0 X. Z: I2 G* O* W/ c
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
- ^/ K8 }& P) ?2 y$ R. M# w就足够了. That is enough.' F* ]1 K. s& i1 x
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ( x1 l# b# d7 I# V; d3 ]1 g" l
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.0 B& C0 c) S  I/ s. X& ~, t* N
萌出了芽,$ l, G. O1 W5 m0 ~3 X% l
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing+ l/ j& Q! K) K) y  N; J6 q9 [4 J
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
3 L( ?5 |& J7 f- B8 v如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand* o& z! v1 r3 Y- X
能够牵著你的手,6 ]% f# H& b5 \+ z; [% z/ y. L6 g
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.& t6 l( i: |4 F  h: B
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
3 c) T% x* \/ ~慢慢地细读,
6 |$ O" ^7 O( {  ~! g+ L我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 9 `9 E3 f9 }+ s) A8 e$ d
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
, [( E3 n* ^& Z  P9 U我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
. e( o  e0 v8 S就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
. P6 m4 _! }( w, a现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
2 W* J! Q7 S0 O" s9 T眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
, t& r: |- U* g3 T6 nchange to:lacked
/ Z" c9 l- w; v. _! {猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
% n) I: k, a( V* w7 l6 dCats often played at the whole hot night.
- B4 g' b7 r) `6 A& U 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
- f1 ~6 }; L+ d- }9 W- A改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
! f7 F* E: ]+ g/ {" ^" FI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
0 K* i9 p! c7 ^( ]# j- p) S" \该为:throughyour hands.- t' a# W8 t- m; M, B& [( C
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。7 K% e, b2 h7 @4 M" ]8 \+ u; p( ?, F
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
5 ]0 V; e4 x% W1 }6 z9 }0 G) I至少比我强。
2 |/ r# L4 U5 W4 x& c偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
! \& N3 |: ^% I5 j( D* W$ Y2 {; Y% ?3 _$ c. ?! o, r! }/ ~
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
# x& K3 u2 Y' k8 C后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
! X( q, c/ t( M  t3 H/ V: n5 H  A谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.* z; m  i) Y+ r. M
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:/ I$ O" q1 Q# ~3 f, d% ?1 {
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.8 q9 _. k9 t' Q7 p
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.5 e  N/ K2 ]# \; k/ H- @3 Q
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.+ M9 ^( \( S; h! Z5 s" D3 g
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
4 B0 T5 l  @$ d; {$ ?3 y6 C0 _Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.  O. Q! i( U% K$ h$ u9 Q" H( [
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:6 Y' f, \: ~8 Q2 M3 x& l+ M
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 3 b) X; r: C# m7 g7 D! ?
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
3 O1 A+ d. `7 U& A6 GI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.* c4 k4 _0 F2 E$ o
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
& z% N, I0 t2 q  o7 q( qThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
  T, W6 N) Y" t6 F2 c. e) \I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up., b- Q& `, L0 G. H
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.% P$ k7 X7 G4 v3 i: B6 X# ~
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?$ D) f/ N. I4 r& q- j* _
Intoxicated then feel cold,$ t* p3 R# a& I: f4 ]
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.2 z7 Z" ^9 Q( {
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
6 @- T/ z8 V* ^8 L; @The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?6 m; {0 a! b* ]5 l  v& _: z
Why I am always hoodwinked!
3 o+ V9 a+ j: t% s( y4 T. [I have told myself many times cautiously
; K  u. T3 I  m/ P* C; I3 @) fdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
: P, v# y. i* R& a) p& R8 i6 ]The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.4 x; X# F8 w0 ?* U% k1 T: m  a( [1 q
Why can`t I take it easy?; \7 _6 @( q0 O
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
3 O$ x/ j. J: L* _  D/ t* `When the quiet night comes0 J& e" g. h6 T3 P8 b! @+ \
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
) d$ M! ?& ^) P# E" Z% eThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
! O( a& A, f6 v' E7 z1 x5 RYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
/ R. m# @# f! jlight the dark corner in my mind.
* G9 A$ F) X% g) P# @- sI feel a bit of cozy.
2 x$ c2 Z, g5 |9 p/ {The deep attached to you in a twinkling' }, {4 l  ^4 ~6 [! y$ ]
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.) L  W& o1 z. c* D8 W
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,* q& \( L% Y) W$ g
but accompanying with the time passed" q' ~; p8 |7 c6 U4 d3 E
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
: Q4 N% Z  i* U; ~; Yalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.; S; L1 X  D+ t% D3 o
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
+ z% s5 k9 u( K& donly feel gracious for your existing,# M% t1 T% ^/ m& z. s  k5 J
onlt want to do something for you.
# W0 ~; V! q# a) K0 x; P1 w& _# n( eEvery time when you meet me+ E2 k/ L3 `# j! z" n; t
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,5 a# i; Y3 Z6 C8 [
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
: y+ H; R6 d( O3 q7 |6 `That live in my heart.+ X( ?  e: l& i4 q7 ^/ [
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?7 {1 J7 A; y; q4 @1 y
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice8 r  X# H; U* w+ [
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
" \# O, x6 f* [' ?4 W9 HThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land3 ]9 o8 x+ u* H! i0 S2 O
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
  X: M+ P9 e0 q3 z# DDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
: q& t/ n: ^( N7 e( Y1 D! Xespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
0 o  Y7 \6 S' v3 \* O9 W- jSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
: t. V$ i# U; M8 ~, T- m' Ionly waiting for you quietly5 q& E  g8 W& a8 f
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
4 u+ w) R' S! UI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
% z0 m( c# R$ h% Q' O! Vand enjoy the rain washing together1 K8 V; o) _# {4 x
or rush to a film2 B& v  J' d& x6 a% D
or listen to a music quietly.
9 [& I% T0 r' ^7 RWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
- C2 _5 s. r. {: t- C, C. @If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,9 P& k+ R, s2 R; C: d9 c- U
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
9 Y- ^0 w4 E( K  H1 qThat is enough.1 q: a9 x2 D& N. Z
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
- y' N) o) @5 N1 N& U. [finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
) X- ]5 K" J4 Uthe same as my missing.: H" `* E, T" y8 d. D8 C5 M
It comes a little bit of verdure.& I' i$ {  z+ A" ]
If, If some day I can touch your hand, 1 W$ ?2 m7 s( ^) Q5 e0 d
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
) t% L9 K$ l+ G" r/ YLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
/ x0 F0 t( F6 V3 c. J( `- h9 qI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
* c2 D8 I6 E7 K0 f/ xAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,' K5 x1 H4 C0 `! h7 [+ V$ g
then I will have all care and ardor.$ ]9 j: M* {7 ]1 P0 ]6 b3 u7 |
Shall we walk arm in arm?- ^+ Y' q- J5 u! r  g2 {; r/ s
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.3 F4 D9 W) E+ s6 b3 O8 |$ e7 Z
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.# M$ G' S) k" W4 C, w
I am still the same person of yesterday.
' f$ x) s+ p6 E% n" aUnchanged name, unchanged I.
3 Q6 V: L* N/ X+ _+ f5 |$ ^Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. ( s" S/ q+ U3 m9 U
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
9 U/ |/ j7 g% v+ ]- B6 g8 `$ w3 Y8 ~More or less,
, ?! p( V* K* C  z. j0 g* c a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
9 D! d" m$ K: a& n6 o8 q1 Y8 t; x, U: u1 y3 S
Summer easily slips away: z! _; ?7 _7 o, X/ E2 G+ f7 j" q
Those long lost hot nights0 K, x+ t# l) v/ }
can only be found in the old days. ' K" r- @9 E& d8 k' d  X6 `# W3 T: t8 h" ^
' ~, A2 r4 A) N8 {! f
Cats jumping over the window sills,
- j# z' P2 [' y6 j$ P! jchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
' y4 Z7 x" K7 L' b& q: M0 X  WGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
$ {- v  \6 U& u) I1 Q' Z7 m: f; uLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
' W! k4 C3 ^$ ^- h# y5 aI am still the same person of yesterday.9 p$ u1 W9 A6 M, ^. }
Unchanged name, unchange ...

' i/ U  f- i" t
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
4 y2 i6 z$ _& Q; BGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 c  N2 W! A8 KLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around./ l$ u7 A6 \! j  z- r& o) ?
I am still the same person of yesterday.
2 |; o' E/ K# t) c4 mUnchanged name, unchange ...
; e) ^% ^- ]4 n; |  l. ]
i like it.
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