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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
8 E* t  a6 d* U  \+ P,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  2 S8 u; N! k" g# V
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . # N7 c$ C0 W% c# m5 T
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
+ z% I+ x' o+ E& m9 |梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
0 ]' U* V: @- k7 z1 U眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.0 g0 b) H$ L% R- K
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
! R# z7 c  E2 m. C: y猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.) l1 Y5 q( l  t
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
, U& e8 D  K7 ?( G8 L  w我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及1 L3 S( U: N% O; y, w. s
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。1 \; v" m/ F# _
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.7 `2 {  ]" p4 q& x
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.* X2 V; N6 i! q3 U1 V- ]  d0 @
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. I3 h9 J" `8 f/ j
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. " D0 _0 Y) [  h% d( L9 Y, g0 V
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
6 }2 w) O( t  \醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.* m. C9 Q/ q2 A6 }; c; ^; R
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction." Q5 k2 w) r4 F
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
7 q! X1 g2 v4 T多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?  |1 W; y" T4 i% h3 P' i
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….7 i6 B2 K- t8 v* j9 g
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously! u! G2 ~4 G; q5 U$ O. V! z% x
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
2 l/ n+ {  e( k9 V多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
: B3 z6 c! _: C- a为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
4 d+ q$ c+ [/ T/ S5 g# w/ T多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!/ J: w* _7 i: {
永难平息的泪- a; ~: |+ A1 p
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes1 Y1 ]& V6 w4 V" [
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.9 r: }' K; c' t  X- v6 O) ]' i) ]
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
3 Q+ x2 P% P1 a/ T  F让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
4 w4 d# b: p4 I$ Y7 P$ K你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
- |; f. }  s) G一抹微笑;
/ g, ^: O2 w0 Z' D  I! r一个手势;9 C  E0 ?) X: t& {$ k) Z
一片话语,
2 K* {7 W& j) c. N' V愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
. @% _# Q- @& a2 G明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner9 l# ^" W% h  K5 j
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
( ~( \2 d- d3 B& I这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling6 w3 n; ?, z# J" U
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
& T0 |, B9 R8 R5 z: \7 J起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,% ?2 k1 i. {; k
我并不以为然。
* Y% g# X3 V5 e9 \1 y3 g! p1 D6 E可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
5 Z: \5 W+ g4 M8 `. s* A4 \5 H" f  D慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
% V# ]8 Q! o3 O9 o8 a$ O被一种情绪所左右,; Z4 k1 O4 g  V: ^+ o' f4 v
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .5 K' ^# L  W$ i  {3 y
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
5 \1 T" ]* q9 V% Q7 d9 E. l也不问我是否喜欢你,
& I/ T3 p1 W6 K5 H; r( Z对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
. X9 Z& m% d! X  E( |只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you. U# b+ E3 `) o, S) R- c1 h3 w
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
( U4 P/ ~2 W8 j' y* j心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil$ d1 h9 B3 q! n2 G; ?+ i
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 4 y$ `* V: p: }" \
你的身影已化成一种氛围,& @9 k8 `! c0 u6 e7 ]8 Q& a2 n
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.5 q+ p" A& H3 {; R$ R
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! & u3 C' {$ y+ m
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字, h5 c, _. `+ X5 a# o
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
' V/ C4 L, [& k+ m一种声音,and your voice( V. A7 e2 E( z5 }( H6 i4 Q
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.% b9 _8 r" u7 q4 e% m7 R
掺杂著幸福的感觉。' n8 y! ?$ B+ q
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
* a" H  Z; |' R* J" b象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
5 w/ y2 W7 l* c倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.9 T1 O7 f/ D. G  p6 v6 Q
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。. k' _3 C, p& ?2 Y
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
- \' g. H1 _& |8 O; v. ^, M有一个能够让思念的人,
/ T) x( |/ N8 z) h) X8 w其实也是一种幸福。
7 A5 [" Y6 O2 T  f% O" s尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
) S  y5 S) T* |: O9 q柔柔的海风,
( }- ]3 v7 x( M: B8 R" u2 O* e( k甜甜的夏天。' }- _. `) s+ g7 d/ a$ r6 r
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
0 Y# K. e( Z2 |4 E只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly., A/ r6 x! T. {$ v, I
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.9 N: T  `  v& Y+ Q6 m
想和你有共同的情结,
8 j  a+ Z6 g/ [) h9 |5 J0 v共同的心愿。3 }! b( z  e2 a3 {; m. R# R  n3 O

# a, g2 z9 D# F; r7 L4 i! F3 i0 B8 Z% J) D- N( w
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you5 t2 [" Q9 c3 K; B' Y" A( W
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together* r( K8 s( H/ D# G
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ( `8 t$ c0 D7 N  y; E2 X
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
$ A3 l* a/ r/ d( H! l# }『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
) P; J9 M5 l$ r0 g$ Y我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
: ?+ J( `9 n" H0 N( h- m浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”, l5 f# j9 t0 S! U0 k$ y' [
或是轻轻的一吻,
% q5 a# f; T! h% \5 I0 }再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』8 c) W8 \, H4 V
就足够了. That is enough.
' P, E. ^- C6 k2 M. J3 X+ L7 E这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
* i. v' R6 N: n终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
9 ^- _# S, E2 |( E# k萌出了芽,
* |( r' j. N- C7 }4 s; L' N2 u一如对你的思念,the same as my missing  t$ u2 B3 z" f
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
" @2 `  I4 b; ]7 R如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand; k' c- Y6 L3 s2 r4 b0 n
能够牵著你的手,
  x; y/ M# r% y. ]; m* |那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
  x" g3 o- U$ @% C8 J让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 8 a' m5 D! ]6 P7 f6 u3 z! T
慢慢地细读,) h7 m2 P  m( @/ r' a- ^
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.   E4 ]/ |: `0 I9 ^  u1 H- @4 u
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
( r8 ?( H/ F2 A$ M: |2 X我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
3 B  C7 I: Y( Y2 c就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:( z( p% b8 o. X! Z' E
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago1 H4 Y7 i) R% e1 L8 F8 R  }$ @
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.2 k  {- u! q! v+ W' m6 p+ e
change to:lacked8 W0 E( N. e3 w$ b
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
/ ]1 w0 x7 y% H( u/ p/ Y8 x  WCats often played at the whole hot night.
2 B& ~# _8 U$ N- D 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
8 h# _+ Z0 p. N9 X) w改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
. g* a. A) [+ }- y1 s" LI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
, x) n% a* @) F* H3 p该为:throughyour hands.2 y) S$ _" t# O& k' n4 O8 `
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
$ k2 L) i& \2 E, Y不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。! w1 x* N: O0 ^; K& F
至少比我强。1 @  O: v7 H; f8 `$ W
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
% _/ Z7 n7 d4 S4 J, ?% N' N$ w& P
: n% _, W2 J+ }  }这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。# _3 z4 l1 p8 X; L7 z
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.( c( \( N0 q6 N7 o: t  G
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.% `, D' p8 B% ~
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
- S/ \8 G' p: O+ rEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry." `- w: f8 F- L" P$ h
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.+ k* {0 y' w: O/ p5 T
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
4 Q4 ?% ]2 H: m( b& {The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.5 I% S( _& |# C5 @
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
0 r* L* D  v+ H) i/ t# V/ xSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:" l9 O$ N0 V5 _
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
* `3 ]. e5 G& f" {( ~like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.8 o* p5 Z- o! `3 t) O  U
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.+ |9 @* h  x1 X  Q$ H& o$ m; i
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.7 {& a- j. A7 d5 r1 e
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
3 m; @! F; A+ I5 F. PI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.: A" \1 G8 `$ V6 g4 h3 i) a
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
7 b% ?7 R, v/ P' G! ^) Y0 ~In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
* ]3 [5 R* S7 eIntoxicated then feel cold,. Q9 B5 ?" r4 d
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
& l0 g% u: d0 u' m; _+ E5 b2 w) QI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.  Y5 {2 c0 p% |8 R/ c; M/ n/ x
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?! B4 |0 k1 ~& ^: p
Why I am always hoodwinked!1 r- }+ l  v6 V7 m& P" [
I have told myself many times cautiously
3 {0 h- n0 j1 L/ o' edon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
' m, o5 ~8 N5 KThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
  g' v! [/ T+ }2 V' gWhy can`t I take it easy?
: }/ i& b& V& r7 d) rHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!7 R# o2 n/ U+ O8 P4 U& N
When the quiet night comes: q; k7 L: ~% {% e5 q" \: N
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
7 J2 L$ Q5 r+ [8 HThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.2 k1 E% D5 {9 Q- U! O
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
' L5 s  @) a! J, y: }+ K2 n/ _light the dark corner in my mind.2 I  ~7 \" Z  G- Y) O  L- E
I feel a bit of cozy.5 J) |% m. C* U
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
4 }# e1 P$ ?/ P7 {, x) Y0 B0 nmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
) K, I$ ^( W1 @8 J* iI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
4 B" k( @6 S& v6 U( u; J8 xbut accompanying with the time passed# n2 L0 ^) i/ m2 z
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,/ M6 w3 K* A- I* F- H2 R( Y" [$ l8 g
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.7 q# s7 H9 w% L9 j, r$ u. q: v8 O% H! M
Without asking if you like me or if I like you+ F4 c' A: a" Y8 \1 A$ b
only feel gracious for your existing,. P. ]/ y. E# ?$ Z9 |3 |% I! K
onlt want to do something for you.( q# I2 ?& j; c, s7 j7 ?3 p( J
Every time when you meet me  z, q" a" _3 i) l3 E
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
/ }% i* Q( r$ j3 dbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
$ B  y$ m+ Z9 k# n0 S3 |That live in my heart.
4 T+ z# O5 n6 |Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
# ?' W6 T& R$ ^$ M( H9 r0 DEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
" ^, M- t7 }: P, x  |9 I: i0 L8 ^  }1 qmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
9 [8 Y. o4 r6 VThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land' f* ]8 s1 D' O4 H( z
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
2 u3 M( M+ x% b$ U  h8 ^Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
5 x! n! c6 K4 Y7 M  yespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.0 Z# D& u" [' P
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
) j7 }' T( `# q' ponly waiting for you quietly5 d, w$ q$ ~- r; h9 I9 x
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
" Q9 v: ^+ B& ?! ^/ M9 C! eI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
$ j" k' c  k$ C" l9 J! S$ t/ Y1 vand enjoy the rain washing together
( |) f+ V1 F' z, \( i$ nor rush to a film
. v6 \3 R3 h& n* j* f6 K2 yor listen to a music quietly.. M( ]" U- I3 I% y) m. @- j+ p
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?4 f9 ]( M& @. ~6 v$ c
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
7 H1 u5 i2 D# q+ Y  {smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".: p$ p3 ~: W  @* X2 \
That is enough.
+ U% t& D, Q$ K% D% e( z- GMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
( u  z+ Q* w1 o; U: V# Ifinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
  A! S5 f4 m- s0 `the same as my missing.5 V  K, a% g& G1 u  O% K
It comes a little bit of verdure.5 U  s. [5 b* u1 }6 k9 M; E
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
: w) m- X0 m% A5 {2 z: |4 ~then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
; g! s' \$ ~, n1 W/ }( @Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
# K: x$ t" P& i  V1 R8 o+ QI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.2 ^) d' Q( ^+ F# U+ b
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,+ X( a! M# L% e" j3 _) X
then I will have all care and ardor." r. D, y. Q  `5 I  @* H
Shall we walk arm in arm?% }4 y9 z5 z+ f* J5 \. @. Z  ?; k
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.5 |5 P9 m4 c! ~, f* ~. k
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
( o8 Z7 ^6 T4 K! jI am still the same person of yesterday.6 i1 f$ m; G3 O# f) S0 a
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
7 p8 w# s9 s$ \& U" KSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. & U+ G2 F. ]' B, ?. E" P( i9 F5 R
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.& k0 p' S. c; H
More or less,
+ q) S  C  i; V' D0 g a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.2 {  O  J: S" B& {* ^+ d
- V) H4 N7 |4 b6 X- O6 v. C
Summer easily slips away+ t! t3 \2 C0 N# o9 h
Those long lost hot nights
& r% J# s& p/ Y$ ]/ P can only be found in the old days.
  w" s, `+ E$ Y7 c
$ k" E, N& v( lCats jumping over the window sills,   D& f. ?0 J) }# E) e$ K% S0 x$ s3 U
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
  S* {' x$ c" V8 h2 i3 u7 xGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.. \3 f, d# m- W% g; L4 D
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.4 Z8 y  k; ]3 G% P7 k6 C3 R) B0 [
I am still the same person of yesterday." L- B- _: I# a; }0 \1 x
Unchanged name, unchange ...

2 g! n9 k  S6 a2 H
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ' {( ^4 e" J) U; J/ v! i
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; f  \" K0 O: X" i5 L+ k" @9 sLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
! n+ Q, ~5 G8 V) r6 J& FI am still the same person of yesterday.
6 i1 f# H; |( i5 h# y0 F  C2 `Unchanged name, unchange ...
5 e8 Z; R) \" d0 V+ M
i like it.
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