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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
9 N6 \& h, x% j; u,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  - V7 c2 F" g! s4 A
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
, w7 p8 m9 S6 e, y# U* [现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
- A; A  r8 u- W5 y$ V* O+ f梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.( A/ w  G. s' I- }
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
* O: ~& Q; l5 e; I- `夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
; f9 v5 K6 a+ B  F猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool., J' m2 \+ ^: c+ G% D: t$ t3 w
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
6 V7 ]; @7 k0 P8 ^/ J$ q我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及, h" ^) b5 [: n$ B+ c6 {' ?/ H
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
. o) P* {& J$ k世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
+ ^/ j' v& Z  z: o8 J$ z昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
% d- V% }. I  L" O" k( E# W' n想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.9 d* J" V+ W+ v! a& X
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 9 a1 [3 c6 l/ V8 v; F! l9 T' K5 T
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?$ \  T) z& [" n0 j
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.& @$ P* T0 b5 b7 O! G9 C+ @
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
, {4 j) `0 U0 [2 ~7 ?4 b# }最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
9 T6 U" e3 c& t6 }* v3 S! {' j8 ^多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
$ F% y% \" F9 r. e( ^Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
" @9 f& P* d2 i多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
0 c/ N3 ]& E  F5 V6 R9 S) K不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.; X, }9 _0 I( L& t) o9 T" _7 R
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, * M# x- K# N! m6 ?" S4 `
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?+ I7 X3 W" R- G3 Q1 j3 \, S; j* p
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
* L) |9 Z: J+ S& }' w永难平息的泪. f" Z& S/ x4 I5 U2 |8 q
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes' s9 z( |8 q$ F
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
# z, N8 L  q* O. x3 x! a  S. J. `当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.5 B& _% a# E: I! t; @2 @, V
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,5 K: ~) I+ j, A+ S2 [& m; X+ g
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
, M7 h9 d9 m* I7 r一抹微笑;9 |7 e2 k- y9 b* u  {) ^+ Z
一个手势;$ h; D4 J0 Q8 L$ Y4 M
一片话语,7 U& d3 O8 G5 H" L
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、1 F' s0 b3 @6 H. s! D  D
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
6 L( \% R" T' @9 f心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
9 ]4 T/ Q1 A5 c' K/ p3 J这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
" T- N: M. F9 }6 N也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
# U: V+ M) F( I0 e9 f. \起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,' j3 v- }& [0 U; @, Y6 M' ^
我并不以为然。8 K/ w6 s) J4 e( j1 ^4 `
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 9 d3 J& W8 q* e
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .2 |* S" h- _" L- f/ b0 o- ~! F: P
被一种情绪所左右," ~2 `. ]2 Q9 b0 s) t
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .% t% _9 I) n; f5 B
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you- m% T5 _1 f* R+ t& e/ T
也不问我是否喜欢你,+ S9 ?+ ~: K6 J) v2 p" w3 O* ]
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
# L: \; ?/ w, @: G' o, v只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
$ q! T9 K. K$ @: t3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
! S. n5 H4 o- [- _心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil3 k  d+ Z* E: ?6 P2 y8 n' q  c
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
- D% n. ~2 ]4 q; P你的身影已化成一种氛围,# r/ ~7 ]. |! t1 z! G
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.2 I, d+ |8 [9 L  H
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
0 ]3 H% O6 K" ^( `! N/ n随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字. c8 }0 N' A8 z3 t% W% Y
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,, Z! Z3 G  v, |, L8 [0 \  _- C
一种声音,and your voice
' `. ]$ I' _7 }8 j6 y: F" l# Z也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.3 Z% q% w' d! n4 r  _4 U
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
& a' C* c* b. i与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
& [- e( ]* s% C* S; ~/ G" x象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
( ]2 m9 q) O3 N: B) `$ z倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.4 V3 J& `6 l# U7 `
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。! H3 T/ X" L4 J# [6 F
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss" e' y1 J: a/ l, j
有一个能够让思念的人,' S" [7 w  i: v; `2 W/ A8 M9 i
其实也是一种幸福。/ S, r" H( q" m+ _/ N. k3 W
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. $ g5 m/ D1 i2 u
柔柔的海风,! c( Q# y9 z$ ]: U/ p  ~
甜甜的夏天。
& c, C6 Q+ y$ y( J- q2 _- S6 Y一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy * `5 J! p$ C2 X* e
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.0 M! ]6 p$ q- [- W! s
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.& F* u! C6 L% G9 \. d. Y
想和你有共同的情结,
3 s! {. O$ r0 A1 r共同的心愿。: W: l) L- {- e9 o( W

8 A2 q3 Q$ b( @! v2 m4 u$ q* O0 P3 H8 t  B+ y5 a& n0 R, P
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
6 Q/ ?+ V: Z* X( l0 q6 b: u一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
# d3 h! G) N1 y8 y5 q4 r6 ]或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ( w6 n! C, X: I( `4 V1 v
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.4 X1 Y% _; X9 Z8 O5 g3 l
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
6 f. G( Z9 [4 c; g2 J- T7 F我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
/ r8 `" ?# o+ J1 R# \浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
& P& _5 `. b4 e: I- e或是轻轻的一吻,% {; j, m4 x1 A9 M# e3 t
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』9 H# H9 g. Y! M! d
就足够了. That is enough.
5 H) v( _: s9 d( H' v# b, }这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
+ a, c1 Z. c9 c9 \. r& ]  ^6 f, M终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
' q0 A4 R- g' H7 r% V& p! |萌出了芽,
2 J2 e3 |5 T/ h0 Y' Z, F一如对你的思念,the same as my missing% K' n3 ]5 V4 |. a( ]
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
$ Q/ \9 \# j% Z$ \如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand! E9 W" m8 S* D
能够牵著你的手,
/ y, O8 n1 T# \+ d& p0 S( |那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
1 e0 _, y+ e* B让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. * @4 S5 x- n" m- f# x( N; I8 q
慢慢地细读,/ a2 G/ a  R8 ]  i
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ) w% `, L0 }6 Q8 l6 r
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
0 `' p5 A& C( k$ k  p/ @% _我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
/ l1 Q5 a) Y' ^0 S5 @, }/ c就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
8 F+ C0 |, V- K( f现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago) L4 R% X# N5 o
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.2 {4 u+ X. d  S
change to:lacked
% n1 E) O5 R% x' H! t( o, a猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
( J% c2 v0 p  `Cats often played at the whole hot night.
8 P+ }1 U: ?4 @% E% H3 p  H* _9 A 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
: u& Y& U4 q! e% z改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
# i" q' I3 N# Q- s: E: s2 wI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. , K5 q& w4 T& x& a0 h
该为:throughyour hands.
1 s, f+ q& V% m0 c还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。& j. H7 ^/ G0 K* |9 ?% u% O
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。1 I9 ^( N. h( I5 v3 K4 Z: g
至少比我强。
( a) ~6 u( V: L' i! c- X偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... * A  u) \; Q$ v0 u* @" e
; |% d( k4 z( t; B/ {
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。3 K. f& i' I  g, `
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.7 w0 ?; Y" u+ K  p/ G
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
& @# ^9 t0 g2 @! C/ `4 \) }前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
+ K' p" j! L3 }Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
$ k  P6 A5 N; O+ d$ hPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.6 R( O0 _4 ?! o7 d' b, k
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.; ]! _9 `9 K# c' K3 |  t4 g( N2 P+ n
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
5 j/ T; ~8 Q" p" G( XSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
3 m3 N# e% D! L$ x$ @+ A# V8 jSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:8 }: Z* P) c, G$ {
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
+ {9 E/ O) q- Q7 H. dlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
1 M3 t  C* J! L# \3 vI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
) \! ]) v$ c; _1 _9 }, @) X) P! M  zThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
! \, N. l/ l+ y3 n* DThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.5 o: L  k9 B) B
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
6 v' ]# }& d4 i# W/ y" V! t6 oI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
" n' m' D2 p% \$ vIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
: h9 M- D9 p' @* T" rIntoxicated then feel cold,* b( L8 G% C6 e3 ]5 Q4 w1 o8 a
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.; g7 x& D* W' c( r8 `! L# m: O
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have., t2 p, X5 ], }- ?4 {/ @( F& W+ `
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?% m, e& W5 i3 }" I5 l7 m* ^+ J
Why I am always hoodwinked!  ~4 B4 I# R2 L4 `( S5 g
I have told myself many times cautiously ! x; q6 u$ f7 \1 M$ Y' B) g5 v: f
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.9 N: R# S/ K$ @+ S
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
6 o7 D- L. Z% d3 RWhy can`t I take it easy?1 J$ A/ Q# H" O
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!+ N) _& A  p+ h; b; K* c# y
When the quiet night comes- Y9 Z& A- u$ p% M7 Q
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
; t3 Q4 c3 H% T8 B/ q% f* uThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.5 Q8 U5 K; h9 X$ \1 g& u8 P
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,% o( P+ [8 W; Y1 I
light the dark corner in my mind.
8 j4 ?4 P/ g2 V, b8 BI feel a bit of cozy.# T% |/ T! Z' X0 r& p# [  r
The deep attached to you in a twinkling- T$ m8 Q) I! ]; [) b/ v
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.! W! V/ ?& `7 a( w0 h& e
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
& t9 t8 |1 O  o( ]but accompanying with the time passed( [! q- d3 Q, V0 c
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,' @! W' ]' W$ k
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.: O2 y3 B. o$ L6 k# w+ W3 }; L
Without asking if you like me or if I like you' I8 b7 w- t" m  d
only feel gracious for your existing,  K( N5 m- e6 P  h7 i# l$ J- s
onlt want to do something for you.
7 S8 s% f1 }1 H/ d) oEvery time when you meet me. z8 J* N: C: j3 F, H7 i' O
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,: t$ ^* |4 k% I9 q
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere! j' D6 c  V3 w- q0 I3 M
That live in my heart.
+ ?. ~: C+ e. M! KDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
! M' u2 g, \9 c! iEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
: V0 W; N$ B) o' R. Imake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
  i/ x* [  e) s9 oThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
0 c6 t. `* r) ~, I, N" asuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.( C; E9 ^# ]: g
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,( b2 i* k5 m- w
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
' u. ~1 N/ G1 Q' X, f1 mSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
; n( f( {9 k' }1 ~only waiting for you quietly
7 U- d! K5 c4 fjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.; M- V, B& @' i3 L, G
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you % C. y) v6 E  @5 x/ a  k
and enjoy the rain washing together) z. s( o( v$ L: m/ H/ |
or rush to a film
: h! M, P$ O" K* D1 d' jor listen to a music quietly.4 }3 a  h9 r+ `: `& b) j
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?. w" O5 O/ j' ~$ [) E
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
: j- O3 w* m3 msmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".5 v; B; t8 }! `
That is enough.$ y9 J  t5 M; p: ~  \0 J/ _
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
; u# u, y% _- t% c8 kfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,& z/ h! N( _" I' M4 X0 [2 p( h3 M
the same as my missing.6 d6 b& J6 o$ s3 C0 W3 ~* }) C
It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 D4 M" m0 u1 |* R  tIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
, y7 s% x8 U, W/ Ethen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely./ e" E3 I9 S6 t! V+ s
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.5 P/ `: c9 T3 @4 t$ o9 U7 Q3 K, z
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.) X3 ]+ X9 q: j8 C& @
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
/ D, t3 N8 ~5 ?8 nthen I will have all care and ardor.; K- M) H' q8 ?4 g6 J  H
Shall we walk arm in arm?3 y% n! {0 l8 X8 h
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.1 r' V4 A: |2 E0 |* e7 q
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around., r) L* `5 N7 G6 c: M
I am still the same person of yesterday.* J" ^# T# M$ R& I( k8 |! i
Unchanged name, unchanged I.. `& J9 i$ c/ e2 P/ S: @8 G
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
( |$ Y% V: [, s. f( x5 pLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
- Q' ~) G7 Z+ r" Q6 y4 ?More or less,
0 |5 k$ d: F; _  c, W2 m a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
1 r5 }3 g& b1 A" K5 X
* D% R4 M) G- p* ~Summer easily slips away
; Q. L. b1 L# }6 I( }Those long lost hot nights# p: Q& c/ v2 ~* r
can only be found in the old days.
4 ?, W  P1 U! i1 `, X" _/ ~6 D+ x& I  h% J
Cats jumping over the window sills, ' D4 ]6 _! r' a, k
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
8 i" A+ k/ V5 o. h4 MGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ n& I/ ?' f9 b" c
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.8 v& d! Y8 x5 U2 h& u* M, d+ p
I am still the same person of yesterday.7 w; `! |- A9 P4 o
Unchanged name, unchange ...
& ^# T/ p: A, S* ^
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 / u5 l  |( \. R1 _" ]$ O3 Z! Z' I
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% s0 i1 [4 N8 F0 g' B
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around./ ]6 t# u) D1 A, \* `
I am still the same person of yesterday.
" |0 H- {6 ], U) T5 M1 nUnchanged name, unchange ...

$ K8 k7 G- f: W# ~( L5 oi like it.
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