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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,* u. H0 g: Z  x3 b6 U  u
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  1 Y2 T; X+ e1 Q, C$ J& ?6 c
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
' Z0 \# V6 x5 z. m现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
" o" \; o/ u8 u- g1 x& ]$ t3 A1 ]2 A梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
  V. x+ _: x, q2 C眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.4 n9 d0 o' P& b4 V$ @1 ~1 R
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
! b: s% U$ l5 x% V- F" Z9 D4 c猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
- x3 k; F$ j- T: {0 C就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
% @$ v: F7 l: n  n, O7 u我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
0 O7 s* B+ O: v" \5 u- `那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。1 W( X# F% a: |" `+ |6 W$ _6 L& K
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.1 p: i2 o  R4 T
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.1 W0 u, V& @# H0 K( }. ?( F# n
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.& `* \+ O. Z+ W6 a* J; d% O6 L- B- z# c2 h
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
) y; w( J, @, B& k3 S寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?' E  {* \+ e) o
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
- l* o9 |( l/ M: O& g" {! e. {9 U" m迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
; `" `5 d* Y3 B  S! f' ~) ]最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.7 w& a) {% h3 R; c, x
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?  h: c. Z. G7 D+ f7 S+ ^% s3 Y8 I
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
+ U" Y( d/ j# j3 S多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously% p: `0 d2 D4 p* l: V
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.; d( q/ u1 U: i( v5 y" p
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
; X4 p7 g* F$ S; E2 _3 F" S; l为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
1 {- V- T5 l& D% N4 j( }多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
5 W/ j( Z9 _( ~- R  r3 _: T永难平息的泪
4 B8 h' b- r  L% {& i! x% ^每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
/ O& E: g- T6 I7 ^0 j) i- l, y1 E~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.2 J. {' k2 N3 E5 t
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.6 I: n( t" F, x
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
  V1 t6 l2 |% ~3 y6 W- Y. E% M( }你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
7 x/ H- L& d/ u& L3 u* A. m8 b一抹微笑;
# {" v  |) C& H; ^' H% o一个手势;: x0 j7 N0 g1 U2 p" a
一片话语,
! O* H( P1 p$ v愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
. q5 n; Q* b- z0 a- K( `: O明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner, i/ [3 `0 D) m/ b) Z
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
6 [7 d- y+ |/ ]& ^这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling: u9 S( G/ L4 f) X; t
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..1 H' x& x) v7 S
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,! i0 r: ]  p/ }9 M) D
我并不以为然。; I9 P. q% e5 P
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 1 f4 X6 u7 I. E9 j% g/ R: d
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
0 i! h! b+ o% m! s" V被一种情绪所左右,
& n8 H- g9 ~& C  \. s& Q总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .. |* x" C6 Q# c& ]
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you3 c8 \3 E# ]2 S# P8 l7 m; \
也不问我是否喜欢你,
& X- M$ D! R* }# b. L% O对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
  B# p" a  C+ x6 p只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you. w! R+ Z4 i4 }' ?; h& N; g
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you7 G/ o9 o. I. X4 [, {
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
+ E% T9 Q% v2 C8 Y6 |然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
0 H! C- e. l1 o! c. g2 T! v% r你的身影已化成一种氛围,$ q: z2 {3 M% J2 R; a  _! l
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
5 N$ k+ |9 b- l6 f  i- t( d7 a你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 7 b8 u+ [! D2 E7 o7 z
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
* d, {. q, D& a5 Z哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
7 O+ v3 L' `! K4 G7 S; y一种声音,and your voice1 z, n0 b$ _" g! K7 ]. T
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
1 Y/ [5 S% ~+ w6 ?3 J. h8 |9 ]掺杂著幸福的感觉。
  u6 @' `, P, ?( C! D% C与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land" Z$ L1 w1 p9 e
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,/ ~( _( x1 r. V0 `" c6 ?) D3 n
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.+ E5 p6 L7 A  n' D- b/ \& E
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。+ Q8 D/ f2 L& g% {/ m# N6 k5 p
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss, V, r+ n% L7 W  T
有一个能够让思念的人,
; }# k$ I& T( \6 M4 m其实也是一种幸福。- m2 X. h2 Z* K  R' j
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. : u* ^: t  K; R
柔柔的海风,
6 Y  U; w" }+ b- l7 C甜甜的夏天。
% d$ D& d8 |: d4 G( W2 s一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy / Z. {& Q& M6 z' p* q) h
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
. \: S. ~; t* X# {% u  E仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.8 Q' v' P# _5 g
想和你有共同的情结,# k4 g9 x' w  I) ~
共同的心愿。7 Y- q$ f: r+ a: c% \" R  d

3 d3 m) B7 A# B# c4 v$ W4 c4 I2 c9 w" r
. D" A- _! Y  F, u2 {好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you: Y) N: [$ b4 Y; \2 F3 z
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together& ^+ V3 |1 B  k2 P
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film : H, q4 j% t0 T" n8 D9 `6 y8 g
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
7 C* ^( s% Z4 l『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?9 A7 I" o1 \' q2 S
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
# q, w; ]6 _9 b, v+ X9 U' `浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”0 s- k& t$ @4 o4 t# S7 p
或是轻轻的一吻,
/ u5 h( A5 Z2 }7 t7 v再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』1 {! F' r/ i9 ^, Z/ h2 D
就足够了. That is enough.
8 S# W, g" m8 i  X1 i' I这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
& ?1 X( V. F1 F; o; O- Y) f2 E% y) q终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout./ M- z. _" M8 }% ], m7 N. ?, A
萌出了芽,1 c# O1 u7 P& C
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing2 O! I3 b/ }# `5 T) G) w( t1 V
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
( y9 W  ^7 j/ y, j% P+ [1 m如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand* L% V' M( g  e- P' ]
能够牵著你的手,
& L3 u" T- r3 Q2 O那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.: c6 f& g; G# ~; n2 F+ F5 H
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
5 \  j% x% o7 A0 [5 w& P慢慢地细读,
0 o$ ]* m2 Z7 l! e8 _, q( A, k我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 8 p3 K! ~2 T7 T
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me + c1 I* f/ |6 ]) p
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor   `. N# x, o. f: Y! k9 _1 n+ e
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
  j9 s. }; E$ o现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
9 I( U/ U' K3 _2 ?0 {眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
6 C' B) d- ]$ A+ P4 u# q! W( x# Y* I7 Mchange to:lacked
8 B  M% P* z9 e$ U* ~1 g猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.: P* A% ^/ K1 \# P
Cats often played at the whole hot night.5 g' W; f" ~& T$ |, N& K
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及* M% }0 }0 ]0 c' i- z9 S
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
) G& P3 w" ^' p5 tI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 J* F0 x' b% E/ L, Q该为:throughyour hands.
- |* `/ u" e( S' |! W% k还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。/ J- T9 W$ c- N/ C- j+ t5 c
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。6 _; h4 I2 w2 X$ H7 Z
至少比我强。! U% E! L+ T! I6 k
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
; [$ N/ L9 p0 @. K  b( x5 i/ q. ~2 u! R+ a' I) h5 r
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。2 N' B% e) [5 x
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.2 l5 A1 R) X1 i) l
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
9 O, N9 w8 z2 v$ A前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
; _* w; T- F8 c: e4 t/ PEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.) c; p. B' ]# R5 O: ~  M3 f- W
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.$ N: r' P" E/ Y5 ?. o+ p# h
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.- @" I/ K8 a. T+ H+ O1 t
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.0 Z# ?) E! b! ?8 b1 @
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
; ?" a" `. u' d9 c3 ESummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
( E) m$ r. X, V7 M5 Z7 u9 v: cCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
8 p( r1 G' R6 @+ Z- m( k5 e; ]9 R7 slike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
% k# r2 o( z1 [3 O/ G: S) ~I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
8 _* |$ a/ |" }6 q6 eThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.0 m: j) S" s$ t: }& f
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
8 h! G7 f7 |% ]2 Q! e% [2 ^5 lI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.0 g6 E3 j3 ~! S4 e7 \. J# M1 _
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.7 c+ d- G8 u( ]3 t! l' [
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?" F1 }  R" [& L/ F' g
Intoxicated then feel cold,
* P# s( ~# Z: r# G; g: wthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
1 h  V& M5 [+ S7 f5 r8 l/ MI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have." Y$ }; h, y/ z% ?& C, L' A2 V  z
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?4 C4 R4 B7 A. y5 m2 h% |; V# [
Why I am always hoodwinked!' z, f# r) I  y) d
I have told myself many times cautiously
4 W0 o! J% J) B& K, Cdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
; {5 s9 l. F4 X, i5 Q7 ?3 yThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
" g. z& y3 g7 F- ]5 o$ [$ ?3 UWhy can`t I take it easy?
3 k4 J, D5 U; a# O; _( EHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!2 P1 k" O4 \/ h: Y& M* t$ V
When the quiet night comes
+ S# F+ U' m% V) F# Yyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.6 M- r- V% J! t% W. ^' q
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
" q' \0 f& l: ~% eYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
8 W# C. N/ R& d, D0 E! xlight the dark corner in my mind.* R/ f) b+ J! y7 s  X" B% L2 `, k
I feel a bit of cozy.
7 Z3 `+ c# {) F9 V3 d: f+ FThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
5 n0 D3 g) E  E2 P8 s, O8 X' Xmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.1 u, p/ [/ h( W" i
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,% e! ~% L& H# l5 @) @0 ~6 _
but accompanying with the time passed
& E' x# j: |: [3 f) I" mI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,; F' C/ H0 s, j+ W6 G& l$ ]
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
6 [+ t: j- D  E! y3 WWithout asking if you like me or if I like you% y* v% Y& Q$ g7 z* ~9 H
only feel gracious for your existing,) f" T8 ^0 t' O7 o# H
onlt want to do something for you.4 K4 `5 N; `" K3 `1 C4 o
Every time when you meet me
3 U6 Z( f- C5 V1 Z% ^6 f" S* Ythe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
! o. f3 p0 o1 k# Fbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
' x/ ]- z* Z& g! [: UThat live in my heart." q) W3 z3 Z7 d/ K" ~: T- t- K6 Y
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?3 Z1 U$ e* X. [& s3 R+ ^* W- Z9 l
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice0 F: e9 t; `9 R1 E. H
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.8 x$ [1 Y2 c7 {; _/ K
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land2 {5 i4 O& u. ?- N* K$ g
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
2 |! _7 V7 z3 f9 Q* }( R8 FDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
) y# d; a( T1 U, H% }. K- Mespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
* f( l' _9 N- O( Y/ JSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ) s# G& ^4 v/ ?+ y( t$ N* j
only waiting for you quietly& ^4 m) f0 {' X& C6 O
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.! Z* C  Z) C# u- O4 U
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you " H2 L( N9 U5 A, c; V
and enjoy the rain washing together! W* h; q, Y8 t" Z
or rush to a film
7 I% V6 k& s: B6 {  D' For listen to a music quietly.. n' }( u: N$ m$ ^0 c4 w- k
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?/ P+ e( Q. Z, }2 a6 q
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
1 `5 g5 `1 V) B0 b( ssmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
  t4 Q( c( F& `) Q: i  V+ AThat is enough.+ j  ]; k2 V. r0 X
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,% B2 [+ T2 I; u8 w
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,* M9 F0 D) n# ]4 V* ^6 v
the same as my missing.
+ k! y7 ]! t9 X& y( A6 _2 _It comes a little bit of verdure.
0 P5 j& N5 N5 \8 jIf, If some day I can touch your hand, * {: c8 _/ a! o, i6 q
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
# S* ]3 s8 i0 A2 I. H/ Q3 }/ R! @Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
  `+ k4 k# o+ X: kI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
# |: F$ v- n- t* |/ O) {, VAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
% v6 `( Y" P8 d. p$ Dthen I will have all care and ardor.
& M6 g1 a0 k4 W/ @& AShall we walk arm in arm?
. |3 w6 Y& l+ F6 Q. y9 k8 @呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* h/ [6 \/ R' nLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& y& ^8 [, N2 O4 f0 Y, W' f
I am still the same person of yesterday.& w# e! F- C0 s$ l* q) {- Q3 d
Unchanged name, unchanged I.6 t" o" `- a; }) I' v/ N
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. # C4 r  L$ @! ]6 ^7 w% V  V" k
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.- l! [5 E3 B5 i/ z# Y- i0 x4 H) G
More or less,) n; u+ S! \, M! h
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.; r+ L% t% O8 U' H
% ~$ [( r0 A9 ~: {
Summer easily slips away  W/ ~* O& Z. I) Y/ {- t
Those long lost hot nights2 D9 E! r9 i- H! C/ Y
can only be found in the old days.
4 X' P) h7 h' l6 q7 A) D- W" W' V2 t# h( q# }- I% _
Cats jumping over the window sills, 9 Y% J) m/ F$ k+ L
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
& ?. a9 x8 i$ k9 q6 dGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ Y; P% Q: K( h3 o* Q! N
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& e+ g$ v, u+ g9 }" Z4 `& z' uI am still the same person of yesterday.
! F7 F( [. \- x* d" xUnchanged name, unchange ...

/ x7 ]* T" I5 v" c7 }
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
8 W2 X1 _( W1 `Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
8 P( R) L- ]- D' sLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
$ b3 E, Z0 E* ~  LI am still the same person of yesterday." Y: W4 \- }& Q0 c, ?# \
Unchanged name, unchange ...

. O2 i8 l9 C5 r: d% }i like it.
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