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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,' d6 f( z! ~' m' J
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
4 z( n% @) K6 U6 _零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
$ U3 I) [1 g. U现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.- s, Q8 y% K) e& a4 s6 H% J
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.( A7 S! s% [& n# U7 Q% S
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.1 c0 p0 N. V5 m, j; S  z- k4 D/ J
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
& I: Q( C) W, D4 p2 w' A猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.3 c3 a& N/ z! \0 D$ W
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
1 D3 A# t% ?0 _6 c我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
0 R+ q5 ]5 c2 R& \, f! j% ^那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。* A/ d8 Z$ L% }  W  b: |9 ^
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
3 i$ y! \8 Y3 _7 p4 U昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night., T( J# j; X0 y: N) U; x  p) |
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.* I  a5 U: z& Y+ W: {8 @4 u& V; }3 b
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 0 _3 d( M; n/ ]  ]1 p1 u3 M
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
2 T  ^+ p8 l2 S" Z醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
  G6 g) _& `  U- y8 f. D迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction., c, Y/ p% D+ O" u( ?4 b% Z
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.9 d$ n9 F5 F- W$ I' ~5 S
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
1 T0 t5 x6 N2 S% ]  O) a0 R* IWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
# @7 P3 B0 E7 Q; o4 o5 |! w多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
/ B# g$ q; t9 z# `4 v# _% V0 P不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.) d1 S4 j) n; t6 m5 X; A* g
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
( K4 T% c, X- `3 \7 u为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
) x: n- l4 B: b' p多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!) N+ z; u8 U. i
永难平息的泪3 \- r( E) F4 P7 j" X
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes, N* C  l: u9 U' S: c. o
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.' j7 c" u) x! H( _/ t4 l
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.6 `, A8 A% w3 C
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,* o' a: c/ c! b0 O9 u
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
0 g) k4 a4 Q* H2 I4 s) |! f一抹微笑;
. X1 u  _0 U& h- Y一个手势;% Y4 v+ K" b. S* g/ \# O$ `" q. H
一片话语,
* [" ~  X& y  O( a) y% V! _愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
+ V" ?4 R' y, |6 I- Z: _, y  @; Z明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
) s1 n& R; y$ g心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
. `/ Z' L' ?9 B- d4 U" T  k& O2 w这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling4 Q( L, |& {7 O3 U, t$ m
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
: i! J. X% U2 l( P# T( J- w" x起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,9 x( d, |& a( R% Q
我并不以为然。
/ {9 E: K* {0 R% r( a; o4 n% q可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed ; E3 i0 s9 }( z% i& h" Y5 L9 L
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .& F( v) j; a+ _) b3 M
被一种情绪所左右,
' e3 E6 q+ H" m2 S总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
. _1 f# ]4 z4 Y" c8 s8 X即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
1 x% `  ^2 E+ g; O' M也不问我是否喜欢你,
: Q5 i4 J  {& @对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.7 Z  z' a/ g% L. D- p- U
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you, h* n& e) j) c- E# \4 h/ D
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
& t+ y3 k% x/ d. y0 Q, U心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil+ B& v* [0 ]1 n2 t
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 9 L8 n' O5 x' R! J5 f
你的身影已化成一种氛围,; z, j2 B9 L+ h( Z+ D" b$ h
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
) r& h3 F1 @) u5 _- T  g5 M你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! + K' }; \) N9 q
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
3 t, b. j4 i" N哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,+ \' c1 u5 T. _$ B- x. x! X
一种声音,and your voice
' }4 X; o9 l7 K. [# q& E也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.4 ]% {5 t4 [$ `( }
掺杂著幸福的感觉。1 X6 ~# e/ A# t' h4 `2 g
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
. g) E( i3 e# s5 c: D8 {  F象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
  k2 \% l( ^7 }- E0 g3 ~' ^+ Z0 [倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.7 w1 i% A7 n, @
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
4 L8 }: M/ s8 i3 B你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss' U0 ^9 `, ?% d! l& t
有一个能够让思念的人,
3 l/ B! F" S. i+ t4 {其实也是一种幸福。
( w1 F9 y0 Y2 K6 O5 g) O& c尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
, l+ q' Q6 Z# G0 J; z  p6 A柔柔的海风,
# o' W1 c/ B# {- S甜甜的夏天。$ q: _2 q8 X3 ]4 E* K
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
6 }- E5 n% o- f2 N! I* b0 J只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.' x; j% l8 [1 u, Z
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.4 F# u; T& Y. Y8 K3 s+ I& F
想和你有共同的情结,
0 h1 {" q+ R2 L) o$ @7 ?共同的心愿。
+ x  e9 i- _% A+ S# @/ `9 x. I! h) q% r. G
; V/ L: J1 H. C! M. l% {
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
- t* |7 q. p6 Z4 x) |, y一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
! a3 q2 `+ W- Z) n或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
2 `( a8 H- f4 w1 o2 B或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
% |* _$ ~0 `& T『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?  v" M% I4 l9 E) G
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,   {; _$ N, D8 S7 S6 f  k/ m  s4 Q0 P
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
5 h* a) O: W" u( v5 W. U; Q8 m7 ^* D! j或是轻轻的一吻," N. g7 M4 F1 W: d+ D  d) |6 w. w
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』. g+ J7 A' g) V# n
就足够了. That is enough.
/ D- C; U+ [8 _  s3 ]- h" D5 @这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 1 N+ I, [$ @/ \% q" z
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.0 x- v3 D) w# P4 V; a4 k5 b  h% \4 L
萌出了芽,9 p" ]- F* m4 K, F. ?
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
& c  O; H# T1 Z# |  k0 c) r浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.+ f* u6 N. t& y
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
# o" s9 u+ G, H3 E能够牵著你的手,: ~5 U( `. c' C# I  e: s* u" B& F9 C* Y
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.0 u1 }$ L/ r1 _" l$ I6 \
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
% |6 N& X- J; j/ X6 r慢慢地细读,5 w5 F$ C  c* F; o5 m# R
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
5 v4 H2 ?6 H* p在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me   [0 l0 s7 I. d; p7 |; c' t
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
; n5 B$ Y( [- ]7 d0 o就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
7 H% o0 M+ O+ z% ]现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago* q; S' c9 L8 e8 l+ q
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.1 g( C3 q& C, m4 N8 q$ L
change to:lacked
2 |  S) L/ S0 i猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.4 R+ Q1 T* ]/ H" _3 W) {- D. K
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
& t5 |7 M& J& x0 D, |' `; U 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
% D$ m! [# c6 y改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
( p3 D, C0 S) I4 x7 _. WI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. % L7 @( j& X; i! p9 G: y1 Q% |6 [
该为:throughyour hands.
% M0 p" o2 M* \+ K& j2 ^还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
/ b1 M. V8 c, a0 E% S8 }% l不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。7 J4 ]* S, `2 R) Y
至少比我强。5 C! ^( C: C* k( Z
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 3 G9 W2 g- u7 z7 t! k4 g3 S
- f  G( V: n, d
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。5 V! e& o5 Y4 A7 t! j4 Z4 T( H
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
2 W# W3 J0 Q2 y' ~6 |: M& @1 e3 a谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
+ a( E6 e4 `; `# T8 R, o3 `前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:8 ]9 T1 e" \4 }
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry., H' ]/ |- j: {4 u; i: P
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
# B) y; k3 g% _5 m# o) R; Q Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.: K5 S/ f+ g  e7 S. c# k
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.3 E" v$ p& L3 A5 P( n
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.3 E. S$ I4 C, ^# Q
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:% j# l6 }, G0 `: H% [2 k0 \
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool # z- i& G8 }  Q% R
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
- M6 @( C& O* _8 NI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.2 \4 b0 h5 F0 I) a
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
5 J, j/ z' {' q- d$ J4 E5 h3 E4 ?That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.; }2 j! m4 d8 k% A3 X
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. t# I1 Y" i, J7 `# k7 z
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.- B% ~. a, Y- }1 v) n7 L3 U/ M
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
; ^3 F2 [/ ^1 Z, b6 y' h: t$ t) JIntoxicated then feel cold,
# _8 `5 f" O4 h8 n+ p6 ]. Zthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
0 P" N" ^; z+ w) z2 Y# V7 F0 vI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.; a/ a6 v; ]! j# c) G
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?; m/ I4 n8 n7 j$ T0 Y1 c: ^
Why I am always hoodwinked!! S6 b  s+ S6 T$ Y4 @* A$ i
I have told myself many times cautiously ! }) _6 E4 w5 l
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
  P9 W! B+ k$ l) M$ ^The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.5 F. Q8 l, a" a
Why can`t I take it easy?
. F8 |2 T+ w! q3 _0 \& ]. D$ GHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
& \. B& u: _& [; o* G% nWhen the quiet night comes
# G  S, ]2 h/ u0 ~- ~  ~! ^; }. Eyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
7 r3 ?. c$ j) i; a( l0 N; y/ O% RThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.* ?- y! P7 S9 H1 r7 m
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
! W  d3 D9 T3 {. N2 M. a4 Ulight the dark corner in my mind.* n' g6 V6 O+ _" Z8 D/ ~. o2 F
I feel a bit of cozy.0 p$ z0 `  C1 O" f. ?) h
The deep attached to you in a twinkling! Q# O$ B" R8 j. Z0 c: E4 C
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.5 U/ m$ G9 q% R6 m
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
( {7 B2 M1 t6 vbut accompanying with the time passed- ]# P" J) L! n
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
0 l8 e6 B# D4 x7 }1 r# i" N0 Kalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
# ~# W/ |- u% `+ f2 s1 kWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
. c1 a' G+ _5 r$ r/ A! \7 z4 Ronly feel gracious for your existing,0 @- B3 r3 f/ A' b- H: x) d
onlt want to do something for you.
" d& K1 |! M' k% H1 I2 c. eEvery time when you meet me
/ s2 \7 a# ]+ J+ Athe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,- r4 Q9 O! _7 n& G& [
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
: m: S$ ]% M3 Q4 K/ q. oThat live in my heart./ P, i$ e* u  C5 q
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
) y) n+ Q1 Z/ V1 K$ {) ]9 m; e8 cEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice7 }) J+ t' [+ w$ Z2 e6 A
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.; K& S, S) G( J2 p' ]% i
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
6 H" A# w; D( F2 S$ r7 psuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
: V( V( Q8 I% _# x! Q7 JDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,& ]3 k" ]( F" x
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
) ]: `; F+ m1 iSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" J. T7 K. o2 r0 a- F2 Q* @only waiting for you quietly
8 G8 m3 m3 Z4 s; ~just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.( M4 t: b0 H# d
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you 0 y1 L! d1 `! V9 e$ _' h9 H
and enjoy the rain washing together
8 y  h0 B3 O( aor rush to a film
% {' g' |/ S$ B6 Yor listen to a music quietly.1 y* R# u  Z3 O6 S2 D7 Y
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
7 e% A9 P  z2 x* x; F4 AIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,& _% u0 {9 A, r* F( n( ~% }" P
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".$ C: P9 g9 v8 B& i9 I4 J3 N* H: H
That is enough.
/ Z7 \6 a1 P( i- {5 o3 t9 zMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,2 U! q6 l( i+ N
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
3 s9 J* [: J. b8 S/ Jthe same as my missing.* @( C7 Z, I1 W7 y0 X( Y: r
It comes a little bit of verdure.( X5 j( p* ?# o
If, If some day I can touch your hand, $ k1 v3 p  Z' {. Z! h! `
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
0 `* a- w9 T2 }) O7 N. @Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.6 E( o: ^+ p# g/ k/ L
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
+ p' ^9 _2 w2 m. j% eAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,0 H& [9 ~: J% E3 V
then I will have all care and ardor.
) n" {( g7 c4 u! [) f8 gShall we walk arm in arm?4 R1 V' K1 v+ X
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
) d  Z5 ~" Z6 H4 cLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. s9 _* D5 B: E( k: JI am still the same person of yesterday.
9 B$ `+ Y4 V/ t  V: p: V/ nUnchanged name, unchanged I.
4 \  n3 n) Y2 F) sSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 6 D6 V1 @8 m, ?8 e- ]5 H) B8 P! _
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
# _, l+ D; r$ x) oMore or less,& |. D/ b' }# e/ e+ }
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
& s) E7 L+ ~3 |$ }
' x& W0 b. E3 d- e4 QSummer easily slips away; Z- |9 H8 m1 S6 Y
Those long lost hot nights
4 M* ]# M, x5 @3 \" ^, h can only be found in the old days.
3 X. I7 B- a0 h/ ?* Q: @% R9 R% y! V9 n7 y- n" h
Cats jumping over the window sills,   ?* J6 I0 T$ E( b( n
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 1 ]3 ?: c  ?% q/ E! O
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
$ d' d0 S+ [; Q- X6 v( wLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.2 C, U. C# {' l; }$ M; B$ O  q
I am still the same person of yesterday." R9 J8 h. K' d
Unchanged name, unchange ...
2 U+ ?" f5 {; S' F0 q$ W3 a
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . q8 r7 v4 }9 I" E& R
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.' @3 D( M  L! ?- L
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
! w! U9 y* d  l6 \3 fI am still the same person of yesterday.: M0 }( n" [5 a5 F$ Z; J
Unchanged name, unchange ...
) |& C. c+ t  T, i: {7 h9 f+ K
i like it.
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