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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
' n! x' h7 N6 D) l( u,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  3 q4 |) B. x- r* m4 x! n
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
& ?4 R! D# Q! \' O0 x现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.; b* A9 s% l0 A9 \
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
1 l: Y" I  k2 i( |眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.9 w9 |  r0 K) F& H
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.1 r. @- l: E/ t3 @. }9 S9 D- b( w
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.9 Y7 t. m2 H9 ?( l- g! l1 t
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
' @6 ~; X/ T# b( u我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
6 C# Y; w' ?! S: ~5 @+ K: t5 C那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。! |4 c5 o# |* u. v. ~7 N) \
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
. V9 t* x# u% E2 @; ]昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
3 g7 D4 g7 \8 Q# I# f4 o5 y想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. `# E# T8 s1 ]  W; e9 h
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
' G- A& ~* w" ^, ~5 q7 H寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
; z% `& @6 L& k8 W  n4 ~醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
# H6 \8 \3 }" U# M- [迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
0 I7 w2 U6 ^5 a' \5 p3 p最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have." @$ l. e- G! T: {. R+ y% I, |3 X$ i# O
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
* R, T$ w* T0 g2 AWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….: u6 q4 A' q8 ^
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
/ F+ z& I, n4 i& \+ w不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
& H: F! F* }1 w% N5 |4 D2 @多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, % ~' X- C) e; n
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
) v) o" N8 h$ X5 @+ A, Y, D& R! C多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!( y& {" Z# P1 b1 P  e7 A
永难平息的泪' R2 n0 v6 P! H
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes7 Z: _1 |, z" B
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.$ L7 j$ V( B3 f  s7 O
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
- R; M- F. }3 i7 T4 t+ }" s让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,1 O0 M8 e$ B% }& a, D, \5 q
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 5 y% ^) |5 p$ Q4 l% k3 \
一抹微笑;: `  [9 v. O# D; m; T- f( n
一个手势;! {) _4 R- d0 `( R- N0 h* B" X
一片话语,
4 p' b. e" x1 _3 K/ Y; T- O3 G愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、- V: S; H# o  Q% d9 h
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
* H3 A2 o( o! H+ R1 G( S* p心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.7 c6 e4 l; v' z1 d
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
% L2 O3 j" u5 Y- [也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..0 T. T) k' a+ A, w( \9 z
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
0 q* Y4 G  N! G* u, I我并不以为然。5 P# i. a( n# e8 F9 w
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed $ v4 J5 ~, Y* T/ b# p1 w" q
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .  L. @# D  ?5 {4 u
被一种情绪所左右,
/ g/ H6 l2 ^* o' I总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .- O* _" x1 X& c" e$ c: v, y" P
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you/ B- l1 d5 [# W5 S7 t7 S
也不问我是否喜欢你,
# r! C# l$ g+ D6 p. a对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
" V! \. [. I) j, T只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you9 o+ E: {4 c, R9 a. S
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
7 ^0 Z8 v8 t: @$ I心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil' @3 C, d3 H. h1 i9 f
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere $ N/ I9 G4 _  O6 ]9 k- Y" H
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
+ E! R( j) ]5 C" j5 A记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.: ?) l' U7 K( a7 ?) E. \8 D8 `
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
5 ?8 D4 f) u0 x+ }  m" p- {, m3 A随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
" f: F0 _8 Y% B0 Y/ s& `: o哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
' Y3 y# H6 R( e6 B一种声音,and your voice
- r# x* g0 N! l7 e1 R+ J也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.* p* {. I9 g5 M3 i+ e
掺杂著幸福的感觉。# h5 F( r0 V- O4 T2 x# ]* g6 O
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
4 I" V/ f0 x  w; n- e象雪花般撒落在我的心田,6 R2 W' m0 ~  `& l( k, Q# d
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
) n' S7 B5 i) @纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。$ X+ ~; r' P) u2 p- ]
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
( J3 f2 E% D3 f! g7 j9 {, e有一个能够让思念的人,
5 A- O! M2 T+ J4 i) F1 z5 j) X) f9 d其实也是一种幸福。
  f6 L* l3 P/ ^7 l$ s8 i8 e/ q4 t: P! p尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ' \$ V, E8 n$ \/ R
柔柔的海风,
) ^1 B/ r! [( E, ^甜甜的夏天。8 A  \: |' [' @$ @- w4 g
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
; n$ O: ]7 {  O) g& r只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.( N7 o2 k% ?! r( f; q- W
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.0 @9 w- y3 K2 T  n' I  g% |
想和你有共同的情结,: t" M. C3 f1 V# |. p! B) P- G; E/ k
共同的心愿。
9 h/ `( x4 \. F1 W8 g! z3 ^3 i' p- b; [( f2 J! t
7 z7 w. }/ e5 h7 U' F+ h- F
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
3 r. ]% e- h. c8 k: B一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
/ R5 f; i( O$ E+ ~/ t: {5 y或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
& v' p& l* L2 I% h# i& L- v0 e0 e# e或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
4 b5 }* j5 Z$ q( q2 X4 {『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?: h, c+ i- `. s: B0 A, P: I
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
2 g2 S, q7 V; t4 w1 ^$ [: J  |8 X浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
4 a" G  V1 y$ N  q! \或是轻轻的一吻,# j8 f$ X- r& e$ C5 I/ I
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
% ]5 i. m+ ^$ T/ y( g2 `, [就足够了. That is enough.
: ?: _( H7 D- v这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
6 }% u7 ?6 Q3 L+ w终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.% v0 i4 V# U0 X! o/ u9 k+ Q( V
萌出了芽,
# R# S) ~& ~. Q一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
8 }' v% S3 J2 D) ~; w2 X" m浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.2 s5 R( F; ]; a" ]
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
0 e% A/ x, n' d$ I1 s& v7 c% B" C能够牵著你的手,
% I  n7 D3 y3 }' ~1 K# B那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
' q9 z) K8 h7 c/ D% o" P) [让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 6 i5 [& [6 Z" M' D+ W
慢慢地细读,
0 n/ c; j( G8 H7 ?) v' a6 Y我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 6 z* G3 |  e/ @, v
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
/ e. B( t3 P: m% z5 Y1 s我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 1 c! c9 p' {/ ?# s( c0 X
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:& J+ r" [1 x( E" F: R3 Z  T" i- U
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
% Q0 o; A" {* S9 J眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.3 e. {! R# p# o- ]- a5 X
change to:lacked4 k) @* A5 ?7 |* O/ @5 w
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
7 {6 d% M9 z7 `6 oCats often played at the whole hot night.& k4 a) B( E/ S; M
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及. z: T& k# f" ?
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.' h/ F8 f& g) G
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ' G: W+ w- u& `. `; K9 @/ S
该为:throughyour hands.* m; x9 [4 D- O- f/ h2 s- a1 ?) |" W3 L
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。' ]& t' d: P' M) S2 K4 z/ ^  O
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。& {& y) x% r, {& J* `( w
至少比我强。
) o( q3 J' g2 F+ U4 K5 ~偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
+ k2 C* O; e( }7 Z6 R4 w8 Y! f% n( M9 I3 Z: b& g/ s1 {. k2 [. M
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。+ [% [  \: x  o+ P( f2 E0 I' C
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
6 o: ?; o. ^2 @谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.% B- h& Z: ^* M( ^1 t% S1 N6 m
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
6 I& z1 T3 a4 N/ f/ ?2 _Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
  u& e; i# k, \Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.1 `' v' \1 ?& b
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.3 I3 O8 g7 j" q* o3 G
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.- m) x+ |' o; ]& t) `' a
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.7 ^; a, W% k. n! _' }
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:, a% F" V# K8 \+ i2 ~
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ! S) T$ P8 t! R. }- W
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.2 u( \. O' N5 Y+ [5 B& Q# f6 K4 v
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
  Z* W* ~( ~$ g+ Y7 z3 `2 AThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.0 w- P) h' G* F, u
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
; s: Z' o; m0 ^2 Y/ yI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
/ n/ J$ g5 q1 ?0 G, v2 vI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
. ]* b8 i) @5 ~. {# o+ ], Z) E; QIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
  u7 e" ?7 v" m/ X# }+ s+ D; iIntoxicated then feel cold,6 V% O9 I; b, {5 g* N$ Y# q* U
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
3 c7 g/ I% x9 q* yI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.3 E* B. X; M/ {, z( Z5 w1 U
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
- D& z/ M$ o% j$ EWhy I am always hoodwinked!. h  I: F8 H3 h! {* }, H
I have told myself many times cautiously
- Y' Z, i  t+ ^( v% j; cdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.+ F- X" x" D# f# ], N
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
  ?, }, {9 v$ gWhy can`t I take it easy?
% t* ]$ u5 b6 p# V' e- w1 S0 kHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!. J6 `$ X. ?, M( m  g! K7 n
When the quiet night comes
3 A* h# m+ e5 e+ E5 I, m* R- k& j) `( syour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
: W7 ^1 F, ]$ {) g3 UThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.  B3 O5 |3 U. P$ z4 N% m6 ?! h
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,! u0 l( ^0 r2 t$ c5 O  Z$ e7 j
light the dark corner in my mind.
/ N# C6 x& o3 {" j/ N" cI feel a bit of cozy.  T8 i& f- ~3 k; E
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
; t3 V1 |& e9 v. B) R6 q" J$ Smaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
3 }3 ^, a) s& ?& m# JI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
5 D. w5 D# H! m. kbut accompanying with the time passed
; _: G. c5 N" B6 T  _I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
  q" q: G% p5 o" v$ R" Ialways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.$ W' a4 B$ h/ i8 K( q4 M
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
" x6 |8 T2 A; F% ionly feel gracious for your existing,+ e# d7 |- C) I  x3 {* Z' n2 M/ K  v+ X
onlt want to do something for you.0 N0 x/ J- r& W
Every time when you meet me3 Q, r  Z4 I4 ?9 ?, A" c8 Y9 \, L
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
! m/ K! G$ z9 e% Gbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
0 d& K! h- l! }* w4 gThat live in my heart.
7 v* N7 C  O1 A5 W9 A, _( d* IDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
7 J. G: N" c" U: ^Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
2 E1 I! R0 p' ^6 Rmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
% k2 j3 d* b; LThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land* P2 }( u5 n( T6 o* x, f5 F
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.& t0 K' S( x) V  C4 ~
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
8 q# X: H) a: R5 J: ]( H; Sespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.) Y' A2 n" \$ w
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy # f2 ?* ^2 B. m+ u: B
only waiting for you quietly
' s% b# T# i# a. N" ojust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
+ S6 o' M. s5 ~' A& sI really want to ramble in the small rain with you : q/ c+ P- |0 q. _) I8 S  }
and enjoy the rain washing together) o3 \; q7 Q, \# k" W0 G
or rush to a film4 d5 I' e; [3 ?- ^* h1 V
or listen to a music quietly.2 ^" e) x, O% C& @( N( S- W
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?* T3 y- K- _$ ?( p
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
* ]; y* _& N2 B/ Jsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".6 X* q& H0 Z. k- n0 G
That is enough.& Q& G3 l2 k; s: Z) |
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,# p  `* Q' H- E- U2 j. E4 A: t
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
: B3 q" ~! n( Y5 Gthe same as my missing.8 o$ w8 m7 m) M% x# ^; W0 ]* Q
It comes a little bit of verdure.. K% s2 R1 l% `) A7 d7 B7 B
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
, @8 X( |, j; W7 E0 pthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.- z3 a- U. d5 h& k( V
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
8 c7 v+ I: m1 D* C; Q/ z+ r+ `I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
+ X# c7 ], ^! N+ G/ QAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
8 e6 a, s0 ]" s. l5 \then I will have all care and ardor./ k  F/ f) ~: k" n9 @  U* j. X6 `
Shall we walk arm in arm?
/ X3 `8 N0 o. W  j+ y0 E呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.) ?8 Y) _( C2 F: F& `4 i3 d+ ?9 G
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.  o% I. }5 s* L: C  @8 K% c
I am still the same person of yesterday.* ?8 x; [3 U; b+ ]
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
3 q2 X) U6 y9 y6 Y* X0 R3 }Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 0 r3 Y" w" _! |- i) W
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.3 f  V) }2 L, I7 R0 `- Z
More or less,0 S" u, g- j6 J; \, X+ y% \" x; w
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
5 Q. ?; h6 i* T$ n( t3 w! S9 R2 |" @# r# ~7 j% K
Summer easily slips away
3 F( S  _9 u$ Q. r  G: e; I0 {: [Those long lost hot nights
5 v# N: h4 G9 m' o  t$ X9 V" B can only be found in the old days.
0 y' p' L- {, @4 l+ F% A' v% l* s& ]9 X# ~
Cats jumping over the window sills, 4 [3 E7 U; u( W9 L0 _
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
& P: j2 T1 w* Q( T) s# i: M3 k) uGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
. V) ~: |. D8 cLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around., E! y1 R3 W" n- G
I am still the same person of yesterday.
/ |  r6 H7 T2 A8 Y2 bUnchanged name, unchange ...

& B& b4 ]3 \: `/ H" s
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
0 z; M5 C# |# Y6 k2 O4 iGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
' b6 L: V9 \( x+ v( y0 {+ tLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
6 |( M4 {: }5 o2 k4 L+ XI am still the same person of yesterday.
. `4 V, a+ e& q& j" s6 C2 P: A3 bUnchanged name, unchange ...

, ]/ x: N2 [* ^8 ^& x: di like it.
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