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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,+ i7 Y2 ~, r% t) F* j
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  * B2 X8 m: N  Z* }* `
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . + L4 n# w) o# y6 W  F
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name." I% n7 P7 i! Y5 }' T9 z
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.8 Q- \; y" C1 B2 M/ g
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
; J( e; f% ^' v夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
: `# n" q- V6 S" P猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.! s; N' z' f, a
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.$ p9 e$ A- e- M( x, u
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及; e1 K* l0 y: X2 t1 ~
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
7 _9 y9 y& s" P; Q+ i3 f6 C6 i( H& T世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
6 Y, j+ b6 \2 f昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.1 G. j$ V+ l' f! j
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.% O* N. n; o3 Z, W) {! Q& f
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 2 c# F$ J+ H, \
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?9 ]# \$ G; N' J# z& k2 i1 `
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.) |/ c# k/ }  Q+ u7 i7 u! B6 P- }
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
- M; b1 H) [$ E最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
6 ]% z% o: }7 \: I多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?& H3 t4 F2 k- n) I
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….& W1 @  }4 r+ `
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously6 N  w8 L9 m% x! T5 A, @2 }
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
; P( [2 }: B5 t9 Q+ w4 k& E# {( Y多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
& P3 g; d! ~  G9 a为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?- D" P( o4 N+ H- x: i% A
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!4 G5 b( o* Z' M4 F( L# v( f/ x
永难平息的泪
9 C  t0 |/ T0 K2 G% d& f6 {每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes1 V) Q2 U( s! h
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
4 ]: q, t8 \$ _当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.' B6 f0 R7 S2 g. N2 W9 h6 T# h1 j
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
; k, n. ~0 o- T+ h你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 5 l; ?3 T0 d; E4 ?* O1 m
一抹微笑;$ m! q6 U+ U; l9 \& U$ v# \3 D8 c
一个手势;- L& C2 P6 p) D- ]1 m" Q
一片话语,
' c0 s6 Z+ e% g% l) Y& }, P愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
# J/ Q* V3 {5 C2 s3 p& {明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner7 J3 q$ ]8 h. J+ `
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
) {: H; L  f3 S& A: T这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
9 A9 @. u2 L) J也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
# e$ x) r4 t$ E: R/ C起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
) ^4 H* N2 r! J5 L/ Z8 M我并不以为然。$ _8 F1 L  ]; a9 C6 Y* m; Y* ~) Y
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed " F, `; m' a0 i; l& i/ W
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
# Z; B) b! E8 i- f; {被一种情绪所左右,3 p' P& e9 h% {2 g, \4 x; ~
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .% d7 L8 d( G/ T' c
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you7 i" V0 Q/ _9 D6 m3 g
也不问我是否喜欢你,# v- M) B' @4 v* L
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.: X0 w' D/ s  n! [- X# b- H# K
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
8 Y3 N8 K- w7 O; {8 S0 T3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you! ^+ ]2 k$ [: i' X
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
# m9 J" u* u% T$ b然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere - G. h- m/ W2 j+ g7 J/ A
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
' g4 D5 b% }) l0 K0 F记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.! l. z: |: g) @- C! Q; j# Z2 T
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! - z: y- ^! W, ?+ z- Q
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字7 }9 W  B8 {6 V6 z+ f  T0 W
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,1 o5 e1 |$ T. b; X- d3 D, U
一种声音,and your voice
6 n' w1 u% a6 R) L也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
" Y; E$ k4 j3 I1 z9 A掺杂著幸福的感觉。0 a' v8 w5 T9 p
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land3 K# f6 x3 B$ p/ T  {
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
2 F* \' y" K! e) G1 _4 e7 ]8 |倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
$ J% t" x4 [# v. \' v3 B* W- `纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
1 H0 }0 b+ J" ~: U5 |你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
& @# p3 _8 f  G8 x; S4 S. P0 n有一个能够让思念的人,2 _' K% {+ N5 r* v
其实也是一种幸福。4 w( b4 s" B- Q1 t0 a! v
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. # b: u  E! d( v, @' h% t
柔柔的海风,
4 Z" E/ ~1 s) \3 U# Q甜甜的夏天。
: h$ t  k. |! y* ~0 l- {+ c一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
+ D, k' s- s$ Z; A只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly." a3 g5 R4 w: y& v# D
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
7 x! J  [4 B1 I6 P* T* g想和你有共同的情结,- U( g4 }, P9 Y& N- x
共同的心愿。/ o* n  u. J' X* f, g4 f

. ^8 J9 d0 n3 J7 s* ]/ t( p" s% g
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you- P' q5 H- E8 \9 c9 {1 p% t
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
% Z1 A0 m- D, [3 }; k. ]8 `& |或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
8 T6 D4 d  p6 P或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.4 N# H+ Y3 M$ q
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
; n# M: D2 }) ~我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,   o2 u8 d2 h: s/ @( ]! q% u
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”: M0 [7 [/ c8 v) b, b. K' X
或是轻轻的一吻,
# _6 M& n! H. c- p8 `再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
4 `( _- U. J2 r, U* {1 r就足够了. That is enough.( g( J; {! S" u5 p- e' k8 t6 }
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
; Y) K) v/ z2 P$ u2 Y/ l: J: x& U* p终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.8 i+ ]2 r% _" w6 X! Q- O
萌出了芽,0 x# k& S" w. }! |. U' V# {1 Q
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
7 i: ]* y* C7 s$ ]$ ^' k浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
! C8 O, n) B3 Y. l如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
! X  b9 z" U- z7 s# Y4 N: \2 y能够牵著你的手,
! L# g. d) Q& p+ d那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely./ l- \. v7 ~& W" @$ \* Y6 D0 M/ ^
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. & t$ }5 F8 s$ J3 q
慢慢地细读,
. T+ h- w9 x* e' {7 ]0 a我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
' y6 y8 Z, @: }- f  z2 |- Z4 I5 z在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 3 K, T' n2 I% d3 d# C
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ! x1 I0 f/ g* u- S
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:4 C. K  _2 \' T$ W# e7 i
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
0 g/ [* D) h8 T/ ]( B0 O+ Y1 V6 Y眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
& e; J: h- z# J: e8 _7 Q+ K" Achange to:lacked
2 c  N' r' Q8 P; r! B" \1 j猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.4 A3 w9 B) F& `# J5 b
Cats often played at the whole hot night.! W7 Q. h. b% B% h' ]( P; n# |) k2 G+ S
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
. w- K5 g, @2 m5 G0 w/ n改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.. a' m8 T0 c+ x+ j& h9 I5 h
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. & |" ?- [+ H  w) O; ~' P/ ?2 n/ B
该为:throughyour hands.% i" w- t8 u+ ]: m1 O  x
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
5 E5 b& m  @  }$ ^不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
! Y- T8 V2 v. X1 R5 c至少比我强。
+ f) @0 j; v/ Y8 p+ _偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 7 L0 n6 M2 m& D6 W& }3 A+ W
1 G# l; F/ _8 p/ i6 P0 F9 ^
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。! Z7 V6 J2 [( K' |$ B* t
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.8 f0 V! P( V# d5 p
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
" N1 B; o# S" U4 g6 y: H前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:- E$ T& t4 B3 ~5 v# u: F: h
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.! I$ ^, t, S4 y% {
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
7 V0 l3 c# {6 l" a9 ]$ p" k* r1 M: B: V Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.6 n* Z, s3 z- X1 I; [
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.* W, W' J8 ~. f+ C4 h" u, {
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.: G+ g) k1 x# V0 t; S6 J6 S6 s2 a3 x
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
4 R! S0 [7 N$ w/ Y1 ^7 HCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
, w+ W! V- q- B0 F- N: jlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
7 _1 x* ^/ o% E" y, u) NI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.- g* K3 p% R0 I5 W
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
/ i' Z" W3 z% p; EThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
& v- G( Q8 O$ H) Y! t: {I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
: [- [: N; W& B* N3 s8 p  EI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
8 A: R, [  a* \In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?8 w0 L( `* N$ s
Intoxicated then feel cold,
3 s$ b8 y( R! g$ F/ t0 rthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
* g- C  X7 T3 V# X8 }0 _I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.  D, s8 b) A) Z. u2 }: O8 q! ~
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
. p$ I) ?. ^% J0 O5 YWhy I am always hoodwinked!
& g8 U" S+ d; Z2 n2 |8 k  j4 rI have told myself many times cautiously
0 x1 h  B1 j. S* y- r( odon`t fall into the spoony whirligig./ e0 u; o) h* D2 G# |' `  U7 c. ]
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
( B+ x4 L  ]( ^1 D5 i- b0 UWhy can`t I take it easy?# l* {1 L$ L' v7 t. b& G
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!& L% n6 N1 P7 x6 B6 p4 F# A2 L
When the quiet night comes7 C" s, o( ^3 F* V
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.7 ^  F( H: w" B2 Z1 m9 a
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.% f+ I& I" X9 ~( M1 p+ Z, T5 T
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
6 L9 I* @$ @& n  Flight the dark corner in my mind.5 V0 {- B- V0 f- Z% ]0 `
I feel a bit of cozy.
2 m  Z% Q2 N4 x! I5 `# o. ]The deep attached to you in a twinkling3 w- a& X# H( Z: M, B
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
+ S( W0 T7 s$ y% P8 _, p5 |I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,0 `( u. U! l) H# a6 e1 K+ K
but accompanying with the time passed
/ a; a2 x' h; n* Q, ^; BI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
" _& E8 c/ R7 o. C( Zalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
( H# l2 ~$ O) P5 [+ JWithout asking if you like me or if I like you+ u0 a& }5 _& ?( ?8 {3 g
only feel gracious for your existing,* t2 P0 `0 b4 ^5 F5 d6 y! A
onlt want to do something for you.7 F% e& P: M2 A5 B6 Z- y' J8 {
Every time when you meet me
6 i+ o. n% D5 G: Y) {' lthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
: a3 g' U2 L7 Z. ibut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
) o' h5 C2 S, T/ SThat live in my heart.
# N5 ^! G2 B7 i& A) b" |- f$ GDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?. N9 Z; b  g5 |* ?: M4 n/ b  B$ r$ y
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
# B& S* x6 o& y/ Jmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
' k4 ~) c% ?  C, h$ |The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
: s1 [$ m( N, y' t7 v2 I! Rsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
/ i: a- p4 C, P' X6 ]# h9 WDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
8 E% ^/ S/ `# `9 a) r% gespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
  t& I8 g( J9 |* H$ o5 s& P( ~Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
% a. r. W! U) Q8 lonly waiting for you quietly) k% E/ @6 w5 }3 Q
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.* ^7 @; {6 Y& B5 p/ l
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you 2 e& M- q1 ^- [7 Q
and enjoy the rain washing together6 _) _  S# A; ~! x3 v& K+ ?0 k
or rush to a film
" L+ E3 Y& i7 B6 Ior listen to a music quietly.
- ^+ ~7 {" x0 A) W% J3 Z7 uWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
# `) N3 N+ m' [: nIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,* Y* C8 }. Z- N  r1 ]9 p7 N3 ?( Y* I" }
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
' s9 M7 T1 ~' h! g; V4 ]3 @. t. G6 IThat is enough.' d  [6 Z, d) G9 V+ s' Q
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,) |* J' i0 l  F
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,3 v) N! |% ]  a- ~* A) e
the same as my missing.
+ j9 n" W, G! O( V: K/ Q+ Y: I# cIt comes a little bit of verdure.  Z- k9 |* B! \4 Z9 E4 {$ a
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
9 m: U0 ?& T$ A* v  w" `0 Ethen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
  f+ @9 D  |" l6 dLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.& x2 c* e1 ?& M0 E2 m! O
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.* C& Z4 w( K7 m3 X" P  Q% y+ O
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,! f4 |3 R" \+ I) n1 ~6 X
then I will have all care and ardor.
4 e4 h' e& j6 B. u. E$ t! lShall we walk arm in arm?" U) z: {" |" N, V
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% R1 R' }% o, u* O$ MLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. W" z5 I  K' {& }; [$ aI am still the same person of yesterday.# s" Z' U8 D1 h. a  ?5 }
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
. F/ |6 _0 X0 n! y2 NSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. ) N5 V) F) G7 T
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.4 i9 F1 a) d! C8 F; B5 j% K" T
More or less,
7 p4 W" S, W3 b# @& m2 g# M8 m a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
9 O2 X) Q$ _  l/ n! d% z; R7 Y$ C2 B# x' I+ v' l6 y! P% {" P
Summer easily slips away; |4 a4 R0 r6 ~; [' @+ o( W
Those long lost hot nights
$ W0 k3 `8 O( |: e6 Y4 ?- J can only be found in the old days. . Y, Z4 m% f* w0 {$ w' @; a1 h  j

4 f  F- F  V2 O- NCats jumping over the window sills, 2 U, U0 ^% _3 r4 n4 Y
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 4 q% ~+ ]5 ?2 _$ v4 i
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.1 X7 |6 V7 X0 @7 T% n5 g$ p1 m
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.3 |4 J* X- _" ~" y
I am still the same person of yesterday.
  @$ p- C; g; {1 sUnchanged name, unchange ...
: j% a6 ?' E$ R& J, X
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
: a' q8 Y3 H  f1 }7 J0 b& j4 x& }Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.' _* O4 G* e( \( c# s9 ]& X" I7 I
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.1 s. D9 k$ V% @$ Z5 e) a
I am still the same person of yesterday.
! w! o" I& k) J5 m9 E4 O2 x' \Unchanged name, unchange ...
% F" [3 |- z, t2 y2 P! m" y/ W# c
i like it.
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