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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
6 W) d' m5 X- Z/ x,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  7 C8 T  j, d+ @6 x) l' J8 y
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . , d$ `& k1 s# t) a  s
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
1 j! E: a( |5 \, S& b梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
: N- l- v; j8 b6 Z眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
0 y8 R( \8 e% m. K' E- C4 K$ b夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.# }0 ]  ~6 a, T6 \1 J8 P- c
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
5 d' Q9 g& j2 r* M2 g5 D: f- x就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.3 n' b! S9 P+ ]6 p4 T' `" c: I' y
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及5 m( P1 @3 c* x# k
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。9 i8 T' W' A  m& S/ }. B
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream./ R9 ~2 h! B% y* R. K6 X% |
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
8 T! o/ w  a  V! P/ W" O想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.$ b8 O4 R% i: J0 i
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 7 A! N, X; s. `1 Z
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?, J# H1 G8 |5 f& Q0 F8 R
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.; N& u9 A6 A2 v* `
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
0 n& c5 e2 l5 L$ k3 |/ ^  T) h* P最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.  n, i2 B# O) a
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?9 _7 b  Q$ Q+ }
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….+ ~! \* e( P1 i* a" [; r/ e
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
5 U- w& o5 K3 Y: |- u" W不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
. {& h& z- ~- |. \8 L多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
- M- z9 X1 ~* w/ d1 |/ p" T4 b/ l为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
5 A  X) F6 c0 {. I2 Q0 q( R( e' L多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!% q& T: c) t, p0 J" R4 Y
永难平息的泪9 j+ A8 z/ M. x* ?5 Y8 n
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
) g7 I& `4 e. X8 C) N2 k2 Y~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
3 E$ M5 T& u! D( @- d当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
$ M5 f/ @% H5 w. Y4 T让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
, f5 y0 ^( y1 b7 X' X你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul ; M, a# c9 p8 w- ?- [
一抹微笑;+ N+ ?; Z) A! }* Z5 m" L- E# p
一个手势;: |$ u5 V" G2 s( Q
一片话语,* d- G7 b+ S% V7 {9 w8 E
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
! Q" W3 G: b) w$ N7 N明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
0 u5 }% ^( I, h$ P# _1 k心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.1 E! X0 r8 Z! L7 |  y
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling& L" Z5 v1 [" i8 Y2 V6 u# Z
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life../ M8 d" u: w& A! e) g! T6 j! f0 f6 F
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,, k% P4 x2 R& Y) Z, e9 c
我并不以为然。" O$ D; z. c: R4 L0 X7 j- n
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 0 ~" M$ L$ c- p4 c) Y* w
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
) |" {  B: ^) ?, m  u+ S被一种情绪所左右,1 r4 {/ ~: C6 x' M+ ~$ s
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly ." h  M4 d$ F8 s  r
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
& t5 ^* [7 G" A0 F/ R3 X也不问我是否喜欢你,/ o# [* ^8 C! w9 Z5 \0 h, M
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.) ~2 j' o, y8 M* U. v
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
: B' n5 u# F3 ]0 |6 `1 u  U6 j3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
. R0 ]4 y6 x1 }" s. U心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil/ n: @- V, U3 b! b, o( {4 k
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere   I+ o% z2 Z5 }; N$ K
你的身影已化成一种氛围,. S. I# r( o! T8 \2 o; i
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.: n9 X& F* h9 x; l( O$ g  ?
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 3 {0 S7 j( V7 P/ H, ]6 U
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
( h; ?$ K8 |5 K哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,- Y# }3 @" ?4 {- m( K' Z
一种声音,and your voice
' i3 m( W8 R+ @0 G8 \也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
; d. U2 d& |% n7 r掺杂著幸福的感觉。& I: p! l) j: k: x
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land5 O  p& _6 f" X2 q7 `
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
9 w% i9 r' J* [' b+ ]1 d倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
; I1 I, v6 i0 s# `纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。0 |( B( S" l9 T+ n$ }4 t
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
) V3 S; u% C8 c! l9 q5 p有一个能够让思念的人,- V8 W8 r" z" K# g: Q
其实也是一种幸福。( U7 F& @7 q# _( ?$ ]
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
' Y/ r. D( d6 q柔柔的海风,
- A' d" F  [/ q. p: T甜甜的夏天。
6 k6 z4 |2 Z+ U! X( h+ e7 c% v- v一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 2 h: b" t2 Q! z- y1 |
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.! L- x4 @) \8 W( S7 m8 @
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.' ]/ n3 n$ _. c
想和你有共同的情结,$ C4 ]0 f% m4 s" l- r
共同的心愿。0 p4 k! l# L- h5 a
5 O! A4 i3 q5 T7 d$ ~
' ]/ L$ P0 j2 ?9 q% |" |  j
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you/ i" a0 L5 K! \. l
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
" n/ [- q  P8 Z0 A$ n或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film " j4 F( F: v) h* p$ E2 J) r: }
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
5 Z+ H; }; s: x7 S6 f2 T2 Y+ V! w『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?" q% O8 }; ~; L
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
! N2 `6 N+ C! L8 ], j浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
" x) o+ a% Z) ^) C. t1 W/ c( q或是轻轻的一吻,
6 b$ f! X  S1 b9 i# B5 i1 d再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』/ s! X) U3 ^! r* Y% j
就足够了. That is enough.
( p, Y0 s: F5 w, M  x/ J3 |这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
. m# V+ H! i- k, J$ ]% ?0 a终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
+ c* ~3 I7 f8 U6 b' e0 o" J: ^2 X萌出了芽,
! N: r" _  d: h" V: U1 u* q1 w  T3 P2 i一如对你的思念,the same as my missing( H) Z8 S% d0 J# n
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.4 r0 R# E& E( A
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
8 |" \- b; Z1 j! Z& w能够牵著你的手,
5 v$ g) Q& s4 b- }8 @9 c那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
- T' e6 N, y) q/ h9 ?# V让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
! Y- o6 I+ ^6 E+ }慢慢地细读,& \/ k% D& t2 t& \
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
% Q& L0 p7 [* S% I9 H, e+ S3 B3 P在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 4 ^& ~; K& s' S
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor - i4 ?' T3 [* p1 S
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:- H$ t/ d0 `4 ^
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
8 l3 I$ h; u% f/ c8 s( \0 q眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.# s8 S; i; I& S8 [8 l( u
change to:lacked
! }! l) L: x. h猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
+ q7 E. I' S- R( QCats often played at the whole hot night." Q1 Z4 G5 r8 ^9 c- `
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
/ p4 l9 k2 P$ b6 |4 g4 [  M' `改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
$ R2 b* v0 T1 F1 s: q; O* Z+ eI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. # G1 a* Z6 z5 ^% ]+ o$ D: C
该为:throughyour hands.
7 J1 R6 i& p' K, Z/ H9 |# R还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
" q& E* U( L6 I不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
3 V- A5 r$ R5 _: j2 J至少比我强。: C6 @7 l# t1 Z, B* v$ i5 Z8 p
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
* p  \" c: s8 p% h, {  G* \  B4 T8 q/ b. Z" c1 u0 w, P1 k. x, {) l
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
1 X; X' J& a) J$ w/ p后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.1 q* M4 B( h) }. f$ ?. {5 f5 x
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.9 n9 Q$ f) s* _6 x. Y- m" q. z8 k
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:; R8 R2 X, {  ^
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.' H4 K( h6 |/ O6 G5 N
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
' y/ |: I9 a# b7 D& y Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
8 ~! [9 r' w( RThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
6 `: Q3 {& Q: r% B: NSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.: \5 F% {6 j) @& b
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
( R8 y9 D7 s' H6 z  o) kCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
3 V3 @: u6 W/ p  Q9 H2 n" a+ Vlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.: w9 v6 A: L4 R: H8 p0 c% V
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.+ j  `/ M- L. @0 w& |" y
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
% ?$ Z: I5 b  k6 K8 IThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
7 j+ o$ T6 p2 l0 V3 @. Q5 kI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
8 X0 N1 p* G' m# C3 \I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
. B  |% @4 ~  c  Q8 ]* UIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
  w8 C; J# h7 E! o! G; h3 i4 eIntoxicated then feel cold,
" y+ }6 Y$ p  Othe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
& K* M$ }+ }: k' L$ o3 T- CI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.. l1 G" E* v& A- g. ~$ w* i4 P
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
( K% r$ S3 }- \3 k& o9 eWhy I am always hoodwinked!  m5 y0 J) B& q1 s6 ^# ^
I have told myself many times cautiously
) E9 ~5 ?; _, u# _0 Pdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.6 O# M. f+ L( X: O  c, J! k2 V
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
" }, s6 W2 O# p1 Y3 w' S! p1 ]Why can`t I take it easy?9 D' V5 g; ^% a3 N; K
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
- ]8 f. X( r0 FWhen the quiet night comes* D. S2 z4 g  s' u
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
0 r; ]1 m' \1 F3 A/ s* J/ `The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.$ _- g1 E6 l5 v
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,+ T6 T# C; m* ~- V, P- ^
light the dark corner in my mind.
' T' [; [; ?9 F7 L; fI feel a bit of cozy.
. N1 K/ I$ w! h  LThe deep attached to you in a twinkling8 {" d8 S( a4 |1 |1 {
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.6 ?7 E9 R4 d: A; F3 r- s: l1 M% Y+ s
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
( b% B* e. {8 }8 Lbut accompanying with the time passed
% M5 z2 m7 l2 ^" a2 S/ N% G! wI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
0 Z4 S* {. i/ Y: \always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
" [! v" `. T* B5 e: \Without asking if you like me or if I like you- |2 v$ _. j* Z/ m4 T/ Y  a  k
only feel gracious for your existing,$ _8 o* n$ Q7 V. z% G5 [& X
onlt want to do something for you.+ e7 j2 M) o, Z, a. v1 u. N, x; U
Every time when you meet me
/ m- m5 q! G3 }0 O9 ~8 G/ Xthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,- R9 H* J# f" |. A7 n1 K
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere- v) q! x, s6 A' H! U  w+ E
That live in my heart.. ?5 q  t1 _) M- L, ]
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
. [5 E$ S' y; N* x" j1 UEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
6 ]  n9 h" @0 Pmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.+ X: P7 w3 a$ X4 j# m( M) w4 E
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
4 r' U* g+ ]5 e7 T( @9 p8 k! v  bsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.5 u2 T) c: |1 Z, P. b
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
/ V' ^+ Q9 P- f4 a7 Kespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.' H, p7 Q3 J: P0 ^
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy / u# }* c$ R* E+ G  U
only waiting for you quietly( e8 S/ E+ k3 t0 b8 l& e1 C
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.; @% U* k5 H* s) R$ k* W+ e3 b
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
4 V8 }* N- u5 R& j  V2 Vand enjoy the rain washing together0 A: X: g! M; |8 O! G, A
or rush to a film' [* N# w& Q6 Y
or listen to a music quietly.- ~# l4 r: r/ v, J/ }7 K1 Q
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?+ _' p' q: q& S5 O- T% ~
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other," ^) _' X$ x( b/ H6 h( n! r( N& d, V
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
) @) t. f) P* l, D6 ^' QThat is enough.
# w: b6 \: U$ y% w' D, L" p, [Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
" V3 g) I0 k  |1 ~7 e8 Q$ ]% tfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
# k; P4 q6 w8 M, |the same as my missing.
) f6 H2 `% f" L% _1 eIt comes a little bit of verdure.  e" L$ y3 m" g7 S, d9 \" C/ W
If, If some day I can touch your hand, ' F  Z% z! M. ~1 A
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.- m4 t, ?* }# e/ |7 `
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
5 C* d4 o" ?+ ~6 Q9 K7 A% GI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.2 B2 k5 |/ P3 y; p8 x
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
5 R: f) v, b# d& l& g: nthen I will have all care and ardor./ H3 D* F, M1 H1 A" R
Shall we walk arm in arm?
1 {- x0 _# z3 J1 F. D2 `! \呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* X( Q8 d8 r  `5 c; aLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.) V4 F3 t' x0 J4 ?, @
I am still the same person of yesterday.& d3 _: A+ k+ z
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
7 X( {/ {8 h0 d' pSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. % }$ j4 A' `' k3 ^( I: @
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.  ~# H/ R& a* [: n- s8 Q
More or less,
( {2 x0 q+ G, q2 U+ W) ?% y a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
6 I9 k2 f* G2 s/ ~
1 [2 R7 L( ~1 q2 m" _8 h0 p) VSummer easily slips away
  a( C7 i' X% s( GThose long lost hot nights6 L! [0 s" t8 L8 W4 }
can only be found in the old days.
  ?6 x& _9 `+ ]5 ~8 R! L
3 o; T* X" ]+ K0 Z6 U' jCats jumping over the window sills,
# X: e5 D" K, b7 qchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
8 e' m# x; Z6 jGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.! @7 e9 \3 _( U5 o$ B4 z2 _% I6 a  M
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.8 n, D# t# m2 r
I am still the same person of yesterday.4 @  C$ V% o- u6 s  B
Unchanged name, unchange ...

% N* r2 Z: M) P6 L
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
" h: V8 f. g+ |2 pGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 N5 @# d/ k" \5 ]8 s# jLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
% v# @) u& {; c8 nI am still the same person of yesterday.
0 F2 d* i/ V* g" v' VUnchanged name, unchange ...
% S2 [0 h4 G4 |9 H, F
i like it.
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