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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
9 K- L( u  S: I; P( W9 M4 ?# y,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  : a8 C3 K. U% N* Z' y% n
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
9 a; @- b7 B: M* U4 g现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
( P5 `$ {; l2 s' D, _- Z0 R) E梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.1 c) K0 U$ L8 L8 h, t6 c0 N
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
2 i( T' K" q$ {1 r" z$ Z3 J7 V夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.% d; x$ i' J9 M
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
7 V2 y" F6 |0 E# y( w就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.- a" ~: b, ?; s
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
/ x  A2 n/ Z- ?* c6 m那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
3 j, E7 V' t! r4 i世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.' M7 u9 o9 O$ s% P- @. P
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.& ~5 T" H7 W! ]9 x& m
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.+ R  [  ~- o& A' z0 n- C
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 6 ]+ `6 |; |8 p0 N% @, S' K
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?$ g9 H! V3 N" J' ]6 B5 N
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.& s8 Z5 @3 V& f$ [7 u( \1 D
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.. r" |) T4 c% D% o: Q, }
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
- e( C) q; p9 i; a5 j多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?) Z9 O1 W: h2 d6 l& N1 \
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
  f7 ^% e/ f& y5 Q多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
+ ^0 Q; v, H9 `- @) }& e不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
& m5 E0 y9 n1 V: s& m. R6 c. ]1 `多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
* O- E, |( ]) m) m$ g- `为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?1 b8 j; C2 @8 ]
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!3 P* |" U8 k( p
永难平息的泪0 O) I8 r% u( U/ a2 V1 N
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes1 f# E! y; }3 s! M3 G; A% M" g  T" s
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
8 j, P7 @/ u+ j& [$ s2 f. S, {当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
( ?8 U7 r5 n& m7 X让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,+ V5 H  N% i/ D0 e9 p
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul : z0 B6 ], e/ A% r$ u1 _) ~+ S7 u! j
一抹微笑;, t, Q5 X+ K( Z2 N" i
一个手势;- G. R( N1 Q2 ~2 @; [
一片话语,( j( b; @" n7 {* A. ~% t. N
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
2 E8 F& @0 R) n, H  _明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner3 Y" C* l0 U- D
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.0 a5 f( u+ r8 z% \
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling! \$ K/ e. E/ C/ q: v0 `
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
2 b" f6 l$ E& M; o起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
3 b9 h& l+ E8 o$ o5 ^+ h我并不以为然。
9 ~# S5 Z( T8 l8 Z+ i- r# T7 X可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed ) O+ z( N; x$ x
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .3 v- C* L+ z* t& b  |6 B: Z
被一种情绪所左右,, a+ G( c! |" w% }# ~& R' k
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .5 a/ A  f9 e. H5 g, X1 @
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
" f3 X; {, [6 ^" R9 a' K! z7 B9 \也不问我是否喜欢你,& c& S: L3 I$ p% R
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
) x, [; m$ _5 R6 C8 E! W8 E只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
* p, J4 F7 j: O9 P! O3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you$ w( [: ^5 v, S" J: ~0 K/ a/ [- T
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
) @4 U6 g- {8 I/ ?  t1 \' Y5 e然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
: o- v, ], `6 }+ e你的身影已化成一种氛围,
3 J1 ?! b/ i/ N, x/ Q# b) R- G9 H记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.; @5 D& j. \3 e
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! / n6 V; \: S' e+ M& {/ x
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字# s3 R/ M& K& m2 ^) r# J( ?
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,7 `( I% c: c( k
一种声音,and your voice. l1 c% f6 g0 r+ C2 ?
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
8 x& q$ d+ n6 M% R掺杂著幸福的感觉。* \& i; C' a' o
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land. t9 B, T' n  l5 \0 `, m2 v8 r
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,* N' Z! x, n: }6 x3 b. T" t  d
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
( H$ Z/ R; J" w6 w纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。- U% N5 Q' }% |- x# x: \
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss3 N- w9 x# h0 N( P: F, J! \
有一个能够让思念的人,
5 `- |' _4 O: Q7 f6 h' V其实也是一种幸福。3 @3 Y) V% \9 O, L( U3 J
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 3 a, t, h) S2 T
柔柔的海风,
6 X+ p: \9 l" q& h甜甜的夏天。6 F. o$ d4 T+ g, v; N
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
& X: H! x" z& s( D只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.7 N# ~: J' z% s, D; [+ F
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
" }  z! H( o* f* Y' D/ y7 \6 r$ p5 t想和你有共同的情结,
3 f! `* y+ F- e: t# B共同的心愿。
0 n0 v* v( ?! I- F1 o) G4 H" n
) Y7 W. q* @# B5 O7 I7 A+ u9 C- e7 f* t, J% p5 Y/ |0 z7 M
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
$ c0 r* K) F: X* |, i5 {6 S: n一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
( S! Z4 k5 G! [6 N3 E或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 7 y8 v! F) r5 A* U& b1 h
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
$ @( |8 Z0 z' Y3 @『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
6 H7 J. B9 i3 I' c& }) B我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
7 B1 z' h: E% R6 c! t( @% x& f浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”7 C0 h* G  T2 K2 x
或是轻轻的一吻,$ ]" i# E( y+ i: \- p' Z2 F
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
7 I  }5 B9 B% M& h# ]( f9 x& s" F就足够了. That is enough.) f' _. S5 f9 Y
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
: `9 f* i# V8 |5 m# T" |终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.2 U! P1 b, W$ p. |- x/ O  }
萌出了芽,
8 N0 w/ [9 k1 Q/ T5 Z" A一如对你的思念,the same as my missing* ]+ |& d4 z! y9 A: I  S
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
3 c! {* i, ^. C- |如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand  a& f; J; |2 @* @4 t  ?# r
能够牵著你的手,
, Y4 g# p' i0 C' x/ f/ a3 M# T  g那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.' ]% H6 E6 H  B- ]. [7 z4 r  G5 N
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 1 F: G) X! @9 Z" z" {7 E2 {
慢慢地细读,+ G! |1 j9 b+ @+ T, `) _. Z. \
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
! \5 u; q; x3 u# P2 M, a1 E在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
, g! v" k. N6 u5 H我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor * w  M/ M2 v" ~/ y4 b
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:. [, W; h4 P7 K
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago4 Z" D4 v4 g* p" Z5 X: i& n
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
' v! _% ^/ I. J% Y0 jchange to:lacked
6 G( T+ N: h' j# P1 K) u! H猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
& K/ }7 R0 o! m+ g* V& TCats often played at the whole hot night.6 f6 e7 l* ~% t& N6 L# A7 K" P
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
: ?2 @% Y" l7 I改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.( w. m5 G- V0 H% O- y! j' |
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
9 L( R7 X5 u3 E# v$ p该为:throughyour hands.9 h( A) [. [0 e3 S' G  V4 h
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。$ Z2 F& a5 W; T( Y# ?6 |7 C5 ]
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。: \( u- t$ h& u) L' @
至少比我强。
- n1 |8 y, x1 b  E8 E+ I偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
: @/ S! }/ f( ~) |! ^! R5 H/ ?/ u* V- @
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。, z  |: M6 w$ n: [) ?  }
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
  [6 X4 l0 k% b3 q" h2 |* U谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
0 J. n% O; u2 ~, G前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:. Z) o6 T# Q/ O, T! s. q; ~
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.8 D& i+ F3 N* |' K$ o
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
! u$ H9 p* }' ?0 A9 c Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
" I9 B) L) K/ a* m- Y' fThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking." U4 G8 D/ d* i  v
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
! [0 ?. p7 d1 C  S* e6 CSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:3 j) Z( V5 T- w/ z: u
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ! p5 C* I; K# b2 @" k& h) u! z
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
3 ]  y3 H+ L! x* M# yI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
6 K& |; u2 G  H7 e8 Y8 ^4 [The emotion and the carma only is a dream.% X2 u. p6 L4 v
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
, e1 C# H0 X$ g  kI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up., V& Y: ?! M. K$ F, w1 u
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.' }7 H# l/ K# E
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
/ x/ w9 z! q# ?: b2 M" GIntoxicated then feel cold,
" p! x, R( T+ L5 V. ]! h# Wthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
2 Q4 {' K- W% I2 [1 pI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
* z* H' N0 P' P9 P. ~The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
1 e8 |6 U: z3 H+ {4 DWhy I am always hoodwinked!5 P2 M  L7 O+ n+ x  U* Z! v1 N
I have told myself many times cautiously
7 G; e6 ~8 s9 |: jdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
* t. c' K$ d- k; ]8 kThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
: u# ~0 O9 g" k1 D. {Why can`t I take it easy?/ g- n- D$ @* U8 l0 L5 s5 H
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
# Q+ b! @5 Q( y; wWhen the quiet night comes
6 e6 G# q% A0 l/ zyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.5 o  M+ N! g. `$ k
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.7 F8 k+ y0 P/ b
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
! ]- V$ A& a6 _) Mlight the dark corner in my mind.
4 Z0 Y/ U- P! c) ~8 {" r- ~I feel a bit of cozy.+ i9 X- g+ A! W' o6 ]' C
The deep attached to you in a twinkling7 H  |  }0 [$ l* J/ |( H" X6 Y6 @
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
8 d, w6 i8 W' b( i. KI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,0 A6 w0 [+ A+ B+ B8 O) @4 \- Y9 [
but accompanying with the time passed( [: ?+ N3 p5 Y) r0 d: ^; }1 K5 b4 a
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
- Z# ~4 h3 v& g# F5 M! Ealways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
" T2 \0 A. H1 o: o" PWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
7 X/ I* e7 _4 }. k/ tonly feel gracious for your existing,
; M& ?* k7 @& Q, C1 q6 W; Yonlt want to do something for you.
+ t: `5 V& U; Q8 O/ kEvery time when you meet me
% T: j% g/ Q& v; |. T8 d" n6 Nthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
. X4 Q/ m: a) Q0 E4 n: M  obut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere# e9 M9 j; ?  n+ N6 x) l6 @
That live in my heart.! u+ T/ _/ X' |2 c
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?  f3 I, E$ u, x& K1 |; }4 ]
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice2 w6 H4 M5 i# S% i0 p
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.7 |" n  l& ?: _3 e! a  ?
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land9 A, v7 Y+ n" c5 l. W# J" N
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
6 ~+ p1 K3 M' DDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
& G- Q5 T, K; f& B6 ?: _especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer., ^* Q% V4 V% ]+ O+ W/ I' ~9 e
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
* ?; M4 {5 H% U8 T) K3 ^only waiting for you quietly0 \5 a8 h. {9 b" W/ E. h6 E
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.: z& N, j9 Z& a
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you : Q. t% [! a) h% H& E. K9 }& d
and enjoy the rain washing together( t1 r. i) [( C6 |$ S$ C. i) Q
or rush to a film
- G  ^# o; w6 q+ @% o/ l  |8 Wor listen to a music quietly.4 t7 o1 T) o- ^
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
5 H4 x! {: c3 D4 M$ [4 PIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,4 \, s. K1 Q) G# M% O
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".5 y+ P+ \7 Z5 O
That is enough.& _3 l& H6 q6 l) S  p
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,: E. o$ A0 w6 ?5 G& w  ]0 s( ~
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,3 ]7 n' g1 l) t. z3 w! S7 K
the same as my missing.
6 L* {8 A& n$ RIt comes a little bit of verdure.
7 d+ _5 [. E, I' W: m7 a9 sIf, If some day I can touch your hand,   U  z) g3 H$ g' Y
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.  y$ Z3 u  d' D
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.( l5 _  E; z( m! B3 K) p$ S
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.9 \- r$ q) R0 O% m6 z
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
; g. y. d" p5 e% ~5 v  o0 wthen I will have all care and ardor.
. I+ @! b9 C' }7 w) B+ ^5 |' z1 FShall we walk arm in arm?) |# C' T6 L2 D
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
  [3 ?4 K  P+ e' }( q: [( _* |2 zLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
4 {5 B, o2 |. ~6 ZI am still the same person of yesterday.
+ v& X: [* ?9 _Unchanged name, unchanged I.
  a. G7 k( |' w9 y- b6 x5 aSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 3 f9 @0 N% a5 O$ K
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
+ A, [1 ~7 A8 y( w6 c3 n# l" E6 BMore or less,0 K) K2 X. R* _  u: k
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.5 X3 j1 v& v6 @- S) Z

, p. `3 T+ h9 M9 K% sSummer easily slips away  o% D" G9 o; W/ W) S$ [
Those long lost hot nights
" Q6 P6 O& T; z# ~9 t4 F2 y# P can only be found in the old days. $ Q" A6 X6 R  Y, t( I" W

4 q; q: }, f8 i# L2 k9 [; z3 LCats jumping over the window sills,
9 J9 k& B* B! G' ]/ J) t, n( I% k! Xchasing around in the breeziness.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 5 J6 U( ?: D/ }( F
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.- r& |" a1 M; P' z) P6 M
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
  P0 c7 Q7 T) k% w- F! wI am still the same person of yesterday.
/ R! U6 q& t+ l( Z) r5 u! _# pUnchanged name, unchange ...

$ Z8 X' w: S  F
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 + P% k0 ]5 T/ A. m6 \
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 s  E0 A+ F' ~) @: }/ j) r9 R& o3 DLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
$ F8 \* M8 O) o+ d" P2 t9 E! YI am still the same person of yesterday., `  R7 c$ ]" f+ l. w% d. h7 Y8 z# c
Unchanged name, unchange ...

. @# F# U' Y* q, A+ J+ v3 Di like it.
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