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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
8 O1 j% j% G5 S,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
) Z, ^6 `1 A% H! p% S: L零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
  r5 k# A0 h$ {4 |4 @现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
0 B. d8 F0 s9 F: G  B梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.& G4 {; t, D- A1 O- a; p- I
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something./ W; ~0 z: n. S
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
7 N# C& x- E0 g猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
  W" W. n9 s  O  E/ \- g7 d  p8 G* u就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.  V# K; }/ a2 C3 h+ h/ a
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及' t. j0 T. w& D4 T2 k/ }
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。6 d9 R* g. `/ L( g
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
8 Z* l- x5 c* t9 a: f$ m昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
, u6 ^5 c( r7 G5 C' Q想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.( r- N  m( b7 J0 z% _
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
- D' R1 g2 v* Y- a0 |9 K' W" Y  D寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?& w; ^4 d8 |* q& `" X; v8 l; ]. k
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.; o/ L% ]! @7 m% c  c
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
, |. ]: W4 ]! n0 B7 m9 q最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
& M" n/ G+ O: q/ b. W6 I+ D多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
# [( d1 d0 @# L6 RWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….. @9 ~$ {/ T: N& U% c2 b
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
/ J8 S0 ~$ E: w' a4 U不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
" y9 \4 C$ T+ U3 T5 R" s多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
3 o5 M0 z$ m; I: I0 o% I$ L) o为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?; k" d( h/ C" b" D2 X9 \
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!0 A& l# o/ w& O0 [: O  c
永难平息的泪5 x4 V# l7 I) _  t) G% J
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
1 v( _) d7 _, s) k! ?9 ?: t~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
4 o: Q* M% K/ [* n& b; C当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
& W, e5 @7 w, k4 Q- B* g6 J让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,1 q9 {7 E5 k5 T9 T; Z
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
  h  D6 R- q9 s一抹微笑;
  J" ]8 l( Q$ T' R/ b一个手势;
$ C9 Q! X9 b( j0 R一片话语,2 f4 ]1 p/ U2 d' w! u
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、3 w5 h! w9 m4 h$ l' i4 ]- J- X9 U
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner! I8 }- s" J% N1 H& A* W
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.0 E- H# S  l# g8 R
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling& J9 o; W( g. v. H& V! V
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
+ s- q: L& O* I9 e起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,3 n! ?  c4 B# a7 h+ n* j
我并不以为然。
4 W( _- A0 Z: f0 k0 J可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
9 K0 U7 s/ u+ c. n! ~+ f慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .' @' c: ]" |% K9 o. j" T* G4 e
被一种情绪所左右,
/ E- }  H" Z3 o6 I! d6 G" Q; A1 f总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
) r& x9 \' H8 \. d& t: e( v即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you6 Q% g2 ]- k3 e* \/ |
也不问我是否喜欢你,
$ \+ a8 Z, d. u对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing." E$ V4 ~8 [  |/ D
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you- j( a, y. g% K( l  K  u$ c, M
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
" J# F" r) ~4 `( E! E  ^( P8 x2 v心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil4 o3 ~2 {( B% P: ]2 @6 @% t+ t
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
& U/ Q9 Y! D. ?. K- s你的身影已化成一种氛围,
( H& k; l0 B% m0 O- F/ Y6 a7 Z记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
1 W0 A" R- O1 [; g8 j你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 0 n$ V$ w: G. s& V" |( N
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
" A0 f/ S5 A+ K! [7 }哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,. D* d- @. Y- l/ a
一种声音,and your voice
$ c" m$ o. q9 b" p+ b8 Y2 R也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
% f) V& x. k$ Z& `. Z掺杂著幸福的感觉。
9 c: v" F) a' h; p3 h与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
# A7 W; |" d9 V2 p2 R  W象雪花般撒落在我的心田,  o) t3 i) H8 q5 p7 u# j
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
: ^: o( _! `5 W) ?纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
" Z, i" R# G4 v- ^你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
1 V3 L* T- E& y4 q: `有一个能够让思念的人,  m" Y* N1 |- p4 o. T$ S
其实也是一种幸福。
  t( n& N+ |2 q( _尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 3 `. M9 ?4 s- V' p4 j  W8 m
柔柔的海风,, z5 M- O( i# U$ G+ S& z7 `. ]) a5 h
甜甜的夏天。  e$ B4 b% D. m2 [9 I, Q" a, U
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
1 V7 i1 F$ U; j5 }/ q, M只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
- W; @8 j& F5 f, G" P' ~仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
3 @6 h( r: E- S想和你有共同的情结,) I- V' P1 [$ m; L/ y* P
共同的心愿。
! C5 S* c) I! [5 B6 P4 X- y5 ?$ [3 O# H2 N5 \" Q. ~
9 u6 _, ?( P! ]5 w
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
2 E; i" T0 J) b8 k: D一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
9 P' Y0 j  ^/ t" O$ |* M或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
4 O' s# E, T7 f1 c# h: L0 [' I- b或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
4 c$ Q% j) O* x) |『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
2 B5 L( P; F3 M  h" }& A我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, % @: F( e: N: L/ G9 _6 g0 U8 }
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
1 U, P' w2 P/ p2 @; v! o7 p或是轻轻的一吻,' X, V5 h8 |9 |. v. G
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
2 ^9 T/ _5 s- C# g/ Z就足够了. That is enough.4 q4 s2 G% |6 N: n: a$ d. x
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
* j9 G% r5 v/ l终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.4 {0 M/ s! u# F' g+ e3 I- S
萌出了芽,& H* ^* R7 c! ?1 p+ b4 W* U
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
5 Y% K9 a" V8 H: S- s浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 S. W  k9 y8 [+ W! ^如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
. x% O% P8 c# }% R: M: ], ]& x能够牵著你的手,; g# Y" {3 |- K9 p- j
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
) t4 }3 }/ y6 V. {# I; z3 K+ N2 d* h9 j: U让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
* e7 G7 I" H1 v- K6 }; |慢慢地细读,5 _; G7 H; Z3 }$ Y- |
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
: i7 l7 Y/ T7 y6 h3 k" v/ Y在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 2 }) L2 X0 u4 [
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor , {$ v% c5 W+ {; W' o) \; L
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:: D( V. B+ S9 P- l7 Q
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago, i8 Y% O! W6 O( Z3 p' q9 A  ~
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something." X% ~) }4 h+ q- N2 [" i
change to:lacked' e4 n9 [4 b1 v
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
7 T1 X5 D8 c. E" s" z) LCats often played at the whole hot night.
: ?! H. T; Y# h' i/ S% x# y( s 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
7 T* s$ {2 _: X3 ~; Z改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
, I7 o5 W' I) Q0 z/ f7 \0 vI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 t4 x: f& z9 a7 m$ w2 ^该为:throughyour hands.9 `6 J! ^, K4 T5 W
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
. j% O4 @1 ]9 k% \不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。$ ~3 R2 p* }3 n' f; o
至少比我强。
" C  v4 b# h2 ~, O  ^偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 1 d/ o& o' b  i; U* z$ W0 s

9 |; L) V  C) p' E+ M1 N- W( F4 p9 V这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
4 r  z& g! U5 z$ }; f! V后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了./ F, G$ W. e4 s; l. d
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.4 l. f' e# Q3 \$ H; b0 J
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:4 M7 T3 t* d" `$ E# [+ c
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
( k, l% U0 R2 s3 Y4 ^% T2 I0 EPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running." i- L# Y+ l9 N+ G, W
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
, U7 B% d& o3 M8 B5 Q$ D; ]The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
$ R1 R9 L2 q* e: eSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
, z& o, x. M: LSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:" I, W0 l0 v' r" b
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 2 n  Y' D% k% U  }2 z) b
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
, C5 _4 j( _0 ^# q8 u$ R  S4 PI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.) |1 f/ B5 \/ z2 J) B; {
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
  t! u9 r( S  h' `8 QThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.( {+ z: o* f1 {, D( z; K9 H" d1 t9 v
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.2 n2 U* A! B9 c# V
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.; {, y) O+ ~: L: @. E# N
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?7 k1 v3 l8 c" P0 B4 L" t5 n# v
Intoxicated then feel cold,
+ t( k1 t: y: [! pthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.7 |: U& E  y( @' ^& u8 T
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
5 S* r! E2 f! a/ o) a2 [/ d0 dThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?: H' z9 ?7 {  m, V
Why I am always hoodwinked!; h: R; N2 P: A* l
I have told myself many times cautiously
- ]1 H4 i+ \( T- P( V. Y* odon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
& R- I, y: o- n$ Q8 i; r1 kThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.4 D4 \" `' N' r6 b" O
Why can`t I take it easy?4 f& L$ Y" |5 O
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!4 x6 ]- y) W0 j
When the quiet night comes& M$ A. t9 i0 c8 E: O: {! S
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.% V/ t! I& W* e9 B$ @  a, w
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
/ {4 ]0 p- P4 z7 D. u9 o3 O/ zYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,/ [0 h  n- k1 B
light the dark corner in my mind.
* D2 p$ F& I  b% t+ O) EI feel a bit of cozy.
: Z5 p3 n0 ^) Q  V: `( _% X3 qThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
8 S0 t: {) [9 E- g( b% q! G' [maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
* @1 y" d* [6 t& s1 NI didn`t cherish your appearance at first," L9 a; |% R8 h2 q: }
but accompanying with the time passed8 m0 m) ^- W' g% q* V9 {
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,  G' ~# u* w7 R& ]: A# c% Y2 t& S
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
- Q1 V" \4 ?* k; w1 c# A+ [Without asking if you like me or if I like you
8 A( z# N# b2 R- R7 `- `only feel gracious for your existing,
8 |, @! [+ S  W/ f/ conlt want to do something for you.) e: B% j. W3 N7 |$ V) q  }; A9 D
Every time when you meet me
  S' m! Q6 E. `, t" B% mthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,2 _0 u7 `2 w4 J0 h
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
' S) r9 E$ A2 tThat live in my heart.
% L1 c; f$ D4 TDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?5 J$ D  t6 U! O& g. h% D, ?
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
: @) u- W4 v, N8 F' T) {# |make me gently distraught with happy feeling.. \5 I+ D( T0 V, P
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land2 V$ _' g5 k1 b* b  y7 {+ U
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.# |0 l5 E# I4 J; y: J. k8 s( ?- X
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
( i' m% b2 X9 A6 W4 k) w+ G. iespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
" _' F, }" V4 b" e0 ~' j+ vSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
. }7 L# y0 F1 sonly waiting for you quietly
6 z' W. H3 z  I5 }/ `# w9 Vjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.1 c# m: U2 `2 M" a% {* U* c; m
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you . n, `  m; P, v9 H# p
and enjoy the rain washing together
; H( t8 I( m# K/ o+ |" ?or rush to a film
5 s- [6 K7 s: _$ m, Wor listen to a music quietly.
% s8 c" R. s/ W. H# e, p3 YWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
$ T0 H4 O0 a# M  AIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
9 `- }; g/ |. d6 {2 r7 Fsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
. A4 X' f* h* E) _) W0 oThat is enough.
* ^" F3 E6 _/ z/ z( `8 B5 SMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,* F3 n2 i4 i( O9 A) G' }* H
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
9 h$ M; ?/ ^" y0 W  e, {  pthe same as my missing.
8 z+ s$ Z! ~7 PIt comes a little bit of verdure.
0 C3 N# {5 `' V; Q9 {$ N0 ~If, If some day I can touch your hand,
) \. P0 s8 |3 R1 @- D5 ~- q/ @, cthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.- G5 A3 S0 c5 D
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
9 O* U- u- c$ D6 tI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
' w6 ]8 d8 F* b) c  R. w3 bAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
$ `; R% v0 G6 d5 d9 Q9 O$ G6 ]) Mthen I will have all care and ardor.  s# N1 W! y5 R6 F4 k
Shall we walk arm in arm?
- r' V- y& Y0 \* ^呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.5 y! n- w2 q8 ]8 a" \! G
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
4 e7 H9 K: d6 n& i- e' nI am still the same person of yesterday.. _. i* V3 M" b6 v* L: r  O
Unchanged name, unchanged I.- Y8 j9 U# U7 W& g% U5 ~1 a4 `& K5 t
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. ( m: w2 c9 N' I) i
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.) H9 U$ w6 j8 K6 s3 K; p, ^
More or less,
! m7 p3 ]. h& `8 ^ a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.. O" M# z: s/ M7 L
* a1 m6 v3 J$ m& T0 Z
Summer easily slips away
3 o. S5 T, Z4 O5 S. C/ u* A5 |Those long lost hot nights% v! L  p; ^! Z' w
can only be found in the old days.
  s9 l5 R# x: K- c  r7 W
4 J1 s! P( M* z+ l; w7 Z! aCats jumping over the window sills, 2 B) a( f$ ]  H- {* Z
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
. U# W, p8 V' [0 }& a* s- wGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.; ?% v$ h+ Y- |3 G& \
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around., k( x* m% B9 C
I am still the same person of yesterday.
/ h1 V' A3 O$ d# z  D( PUnchanged name, unchange ...
, \* |5 D) x3 m/ n5 o/ F/ }/ c
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
; e+ f3 S" U% q! O) V1 nGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.* P. x8 l* a* ^# f/ o, Y
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
2 L' r( L, d4 c: v4 sI am still the same person of yesterday.
) \- L& o7 _; h2 N2 @$ ?Unchanged name, unchange ...

, P9 f- E4 r3 j( t  R! bi like it.
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