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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,8 h" \( q0 [$ I$ ]- K/ r
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
& F! e, E0 m% [5 i) n零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . ' H' @9 T. \+ Y& y7 M& L$ P
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name., P: d2 ^1 Q5 }. l0 l$ v( L
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.: S/ u0 T$ ?7 \2 c
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.5 @5 a  n8 V/ q9 q
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.0 I0 b0 y$ V' A8 f
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
; L1 s8 X) @* o9 z; l9 H3 U0 I) {就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence./ g; N* @# y5 L) G# b$ Z% J  w
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
, }) G6 g: `( R那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。6 ]: [* ]9 ]3 X- e" K
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
& x8 V/ l  J' ~7 X; ]昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.+ z! p8 K, e; h0 @1 o4 h$ T
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
. s4 F% K  E9 I- }' J最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. : {2 I* [  a- p( @. a) G
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
/ v0 B' p+ C; `醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
" z* [; Q, T# W3 j: Q+ n迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
0 n/ p2 i4 v8 Y$ M- q1 o' r最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.# M$ d% S" U9 U, R' y- D2 d1 C
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?9 c- ?& ?$ A9 l0 w0 b# X
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
; h( |+ G# [1 y/ D2 q* M% c! I多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
$ b5 \, H7 T4 B/ q  a2 h3 s7 g不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.$ |% Z- G" u5 }8 q( o2 U. T
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 2 q! }+ P' p. m8 O( a* L9 M# c9 ~! ?
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
0 Z: b& D1 w$ d9 B$ ]/ w5 [$ q多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
9 b- o9 T) _$ U# q* l# u) |永难平息的泪
' L% u1 D! x: B% Z- }: X  N. h每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes( x& \5 D- m. ], `' F5 S, N8 i
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.. ^! t8 v) v$ r( E
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.- H  \/ y* Q/ @+ q
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,$ ?9 t4 G  q+ y7 r3 t; v
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
- s+ p) s6 }+ g6 }+ K: f一抹微笑;. I, i+ d/ B! e5 v: Y& B
一个手势;
/ {% k1 R/ f& f2 D" M一片话语,
- J. c  X, x4 M" ~! q+ u愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、  `6 y8 M" f6 H  m/ J+ S- E
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner3 n0 I- L& h5 g' [+ J' W# m. A4 `; P
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
* Y% q) _* V/ {# h$ L+ v& g$ A) }这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling5 G% s  y/ K- g3 b4 z  q
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
2 F0 _4 x: U+ G1 w# k( E! v4 B$ W$ Y: `起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,  s0 {  w7 P$ b$ o/ d) l
我并不以为然。
9 x8 x  J9 u! k! t; Y% M' k可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
0 l( P- M6 \+ g* S) O( ?. h慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
' j4 q+ H. Z# ]4 X( |; z) Q被一种情绪所左右,
2 e' @1 s+ _! f9 Q) C9 |总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
2 U# l0 p2 `* I1 c即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
9 m4 S+ D, n  T( }1 l也不问我是否喜欢你,) o; g  ~. m# x$ B
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
! h2 i3 |7 l- `9 Y% z; Z5 q1 h, e只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
3 N/ a; v8 E0 q) \" E3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you/ _* i6 S9 j8 {6 L
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil$ s- y" q6 f! b% B: o
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 9 X$ x' ~- X2 H$ W
你的身影已化成一种氛围,4 a* g5 ?$ L, f2 U/ h# |- ^7 `: A8 [
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
9 {. k9 Q8 Z- v/ Y- W- _你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! ; C; U8 r) f4 h# d* A3 C
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字% B& q* |( U8 j
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
, \! g' F( u2 x- d1 }! m+ h一种声音,and your voice2 k& l. B+ u! r' u/ R
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.8 y' M/ z* }& O9 g" c1 C
掺杂著幸福的感觉。1 R3 B) w9 Y, A4 p6 j' h  L
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
  c0 I9 u; s8 ^+ Q3 Z9 W象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
# f: D4 l: T0 U# \- }+ y* W6 v倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.1 j! U! `0 ~( x$ C" t& K8 y
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。* Y: M$ E6 I! t- I3 j3 h
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss% o& {7 A$ H& y3 j
有一个能够让思念的人," H$ ?+ `0 j% _( j* o
其实也是一种幸福。; w9 }8 J9 e: P1 `
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. & n4 E, j5 ]- V' p' [' s# Z
柔柔的海风,
& p6 D- q4 r! G( ^' }: z& R, ?甜甜的夏天。5 f; Q: ~/ j# y: F
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy : v' e4 x0 U/ L' D0 _
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.3 O' S, l" u" t7 O" O) G( a
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.* x9 ^; L2 d3 p4 N7 }3 m1 z
想和你有共同的情结,* a; Q$ ~' E( }2 ?' X" |# W3 j
共同的心愿。
% s2 M) A; [% U/ d2 p+ c
. y2 E( G3 E: J) g  _. z) z7 w6 M  V8 G! n  \  X+ B5 ^' g5 N+ a  Q+ O  ~2 ^
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you$ J) T6 B  l# a, T4 H* W  l& G) x
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together( s- j- i! d; @/ l) y
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film $ d" f5 ]/ u; N9 f& U
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly." {/ {2 Q6 H# A3 k) R) G
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
" S3 ]5 E% O5 G  A我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, + L9 l( ~: k5 j7 O2 I
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”5 N" L/ n% C" Q0 P  u3 C& Y
或是轻轻的一吻,
4 r/ U, d* _+ x- w$ J: ^9 T; r; R再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』9 ^8 w7 q, D- S7 u2 `4 [
就足够了. That is enough.
- y. c( d9 u$ v$ u5 y5 j1 Z这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
& @1 C* o/ M4 p* U& h0 T: R' C终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.& G! _  [0 n: \5 |- [
萌出了芽,
7 h: o5 ~7 f+ q+ v* l一如对你的思念,the same as my missing2 h) s- p+ y* F$ Z. o5 @
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.1 w& f" l" m0 i& r$ F
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
/ W- X8 Q5 ?* o4 Y; a) r3 m能够牵著你的手,
8 O" ?: F& y! _7 _5 i那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ P* Y0 ?9 C1 ?让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
0 z; w0 W$ w3 z8 c/ {' N3 M慢慢地细读,
8 f8 P& c1 ]! U& |我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
/ j( _5 G! F; `( v在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me , Y" L7 h3 q4 c" O3 ^- R, J4 I) X) O
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
" o6 Z3 R" {+ [$ X6 V就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
2 Y  D$ J$ v* I7 L4 k/ V现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago. P' z# Z( c5 D" r% r! d
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
0 q: |# L" l) p1 @: ~" ?% `* m* e2 Dchange to:lacked
% i$ m8 b3 u( C4 \) ]0 F猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.; `5 W  E4 u& N( p1 t$ I
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
5 W5 s0 M4 X; {# l+ {( H+ K* A 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及, x3 @9 K+ _4 N7 l
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
5 r/ O! O5 e; K* _% u) k. AI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 6 b. X9 O: F  @) e% F5 {
该为:throughyour hands.
8 O" O. F/ w4 o: Y+ d还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
6 e$ u6 N& {! a# O不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。3 x# A( e" X6 n2 s5 x4 S! l
至少比我强。( `7 _1 d7 L( U1 q0 g9 w1 |
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 1 B9 G; o. f- g* h/ r! T" ^& ^
0 V# J$ h0 x( B0 O! a2 Z0 x
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
# E5 h( W! ~! j6 M2 |后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.( ^$ h. V+ m: y# x
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.9 R' y! R# r+ R
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:0 _' T  @* ?- f7 m4 [
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.) a4 ]6 k' k9 M
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
- A- P9 D- C, Q1 V  P Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.6 x9 m. g: p. T" A/ w( o& p
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
3 z! o3 e! b: ]7 k1 YSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.2 ^' t  P9 v8 @: {4 d$ r& f* S
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
# Y& g# t: T7 u( |Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
/ i4 N# z" r; p  L1 c3 n! ^like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
/ ]# E( C+ R/ F1 LI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
$ T+ `: F' a2 G" C  B; }, EThe emotion and the carma only is a dream." b& V* |0 N8 v( o; C
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
# K8 H0 i+ Y3 v. dI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
# Y2 j2 h1 w2 f. A) u! Z) KI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
& Z& |+ o5 @2 k9 YIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
0 r* y( b' `: w6 k/ wIntoxicated then feel cold,. I9 V" M+ L0 _0 h6 N8 V
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.9 \7 k! m+ X$ Q5 I
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
7 ]. P& f8 G2 R  q2 ]The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
8 p: ~5 q3 k( J2 D- {& PWhy I am always hoodwinked!
% Y# u( v8 u( L5 K1 S) O* tI have told myself many times cautiously % h$ u+ E0 `6 A6 y+ p8 q5 r
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.0 R+ l2 M9 e+ U% O! F
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation., g4 L& T: |0 |3 ]3 k. ?- g: U
Why can`t I take it easy?
/ f9 n  a+ C" H: M; zHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
- z8 b$ m, u6 o/ G; \" w- \* jWhen the quiet night comes- n% {) F2 t7 g: f
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
9 M& u( }: m% y/ n4 l& u& AThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.$ u) y: g, M+ q. `# [. m4 O; I
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,5 D& V4 J) \4 ~8 R6 R( I0 C
light the dark corner in my mind.% D8 z: M0 U# Q9 L
I feel a bit of cozy.
' \1 Z+ L- W5 h# }The deep attached to you in a twinkling4 u; h8 D  y" r5 {% |: l) x
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.7 L, t' P5 @& U3 b
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
+ s) q3 \( Q" y$ @' v& a2 Q0 H0 pbut accompanying with the time passed
6 T5 c% w( k+ {' `I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
# S4 _( x: i; S' C% t( ~always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.6 A, {, e% w' p
Without asking if you like me or if I like you2 A$ D9 P! `$ ]/ l* ?" z
only feel gracious for your existing,, d" @: q/ j$ A3 j
onlt want to do something for you.* P; k& g# {1 Z( E
Every time when you meet me
4 I6 E8 W6 p5 N% w& ^$ athe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
  [5 Y( b8 |- h7 U$ S* @but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
: D" S- w! k% B/ E0 S3 \' S3 jThat live in my heart.
" x/ e6 s' D. T% g! p" BDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
8 P% t* P! c  a1 n: X9 n7 PEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice( a3 I/ ]6 s2 s$ r
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
  H2 F2 D) j( f5 ]4 AThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land7 l0 j3 o7 Z& H1 D4 p4 f) e* R+ v
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
( n8 C1 U0 l* T; CDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,% c% Z8 f& ^4 c5 Z. O8 r/ X# ]6 o. t" R
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
  _9 e8 f. T0 K! y+ fSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy + ^+ C! T) k2 R% n; t
only waiting for you quietly
5 ^" ~' f1 n/ O: f' Ujust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.8 }. |: C7 V' b' e7 S4 e9 k
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
! k& U  [' s! }& J" o# [3 V, Nand enjoy the rain washing together9 d: u/ P4 V) l3 P8 u$ t
or rush to a film
: i0 K& H; l! O& E: d5 ~or listen to a music quietly.
( C* O0 }  {2 v7 K7 K' D* FWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
, F; p1 b( K/ e5 I- |7 `If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
0 P2 o, _, _$ [# osmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
" p6 S. I0 F  uThat is enough.# b$ |& \' f) l
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,1 v' f2 v, J/ W% S
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,. C8 w! H, i4 E$ O
the same as my missing." Q! k$ Q5 y8 [& w
It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 ~: ~0 b& j: V. t: {' {, wIf, If some day I can touch your hand, * X  Z3 n  G, j1 [% a
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
! K7 j5 f% q% gLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.- K1 w9 Q5 n% \2 g1 H
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.3 h$ E# e( P3 w: f6 d( l* o# }
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,) l( I. L/ ^& S( E1 H- _
then I will have all care and ardor.$ B) z+ f6 j% w, ?% h* L- z6 f
Shall we walk arm in arm?
& r/ s5 O$ W  R/ O8 H, A呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
/ n$ o9 o0 @( T0 \Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& o( e8 K% y& e7 g, X
I am still the same person of yesterday.
+ _* s% f: a1 g, n( P: _Unchanged name, unchanged I.$ w3 ]; H- A# D1 F6 s
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 5 z0 d3 M, e- Y+ J  m4 y  O
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.: O: C8 Y3 {* b! y$ S
More or less,
, _# K9 L  [& l5 ], @* Q% r1 t/ g6 _ a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.$ C/ _1 q; @, S- X! e2 t

2 ?# k/ X) Y6 g2 }/ }: C3 Z! w  _Summer easily slips away  t5 \8 x( k0 H) }9 m
Those long lost hot nights
/ ]% Y5 ]4 S7 C can only be found in the old days.
9 H/ n  e3 ]' i, S$ T  G  {# m4 h8 T, k% D9 m2 J) P9 v- {
Cats jumping over the window sills, $ K1 \$ t( w! u5 o6 X% P
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( z7 H! R+ h8 l& g( }  vGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
& F% M3 z4 a7 MLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
' H: `( r2 v: z8 C+ C, \I am still the same person of yesterday.% E* `, v  v: G/ i+ h& _0 q
Unchanged name, unchange ...

( J5 X4 o; d/ U$ t+ R( o
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
! d6 f! t  ?2 n, u6 ]Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.5 @7 k' R5 h( E' K
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.; ~& g, I1 R+ z, D& G
I am still the same person of yesterday.$ D& W' {1 N/ Y& i7 _4 p
Unchanged name, unchange ...

- [2 q$ @- W$ V% m  Ci like it.
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