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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,+ N# j% f# P) g5 v% `" h8 f8 \
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
. y+ f- E8 v  Q1 C$ H; E2 U零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
5 E% P1 {4 |* T% j) c2 ]现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.. t, l# B1 ?4 l7 G
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.& g/ F$ ~, O4 j! i9 L2 J
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.  I5 U% f" e+ H8 A: V3 O: x" k
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
5 s! r# c+ I8 y! J猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
4 Q8 R! b; A6 n% ^4 ]2 ]" u就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
& y+ V4 B7 p, c' e! b5 s% l我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及/ h9 D$ X2 T, Y$ i% g
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。/ U2 }" X% t5 z% x2 S2 E0 ~4 v
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.7 M! m7 t1 E8 ]" X' x! _+ u6 r$ K6 e
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.$ Z0 z8 V: m8 I! E% l
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up./ U/ a4 Z. ?$ q( D
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. / Q3 ]9 l! N! ?: F- A
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?* ^( [; V$ E* U; Q' W! i! c
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
* {# u2 o9 a; U3 q6 U迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.) L( @3 y+ y' r0 @
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
* V$ T0 d4 P( u+ ?" O多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?: k; r- r+ U  [3 U8 \2 D: z
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….8 @3 x1 o- f# D  S) \9 T, D# D
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
; T( G$ N  g1 L  H不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.$ t% q9 L+ B, F: v: n% ^
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 6 Y+ S+ T: S/ z+ m4 R, c( f& ^
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
+ {& F+ @1 M+ z5 G& W& A1 B多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
3 ~0 ?; J+ }2 ]* a永难平息的泪' W0 M1 K  P3 `3 F  U* a* O' Z
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes% J& [2 W6 n4 B% t; B
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.. ~4 v3 r- R3 s
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably./ K6 |- q( [4 u% f
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
% o, M7 H2 ]0 r+ N你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
' w: f* M* q4 G一抹微笑;
4 c! f- K* n1 I1 w  |' t. U一个手势;/ E, F! L* R2 a1 n
一片话语,
" k/ [) \/ u4 K愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、! n0 W  X* x, e6 l+ V2 q! c
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
( b' V% T2 `6 ?* Z& A心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.. E6 n/ I% ?  G' l4 }
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
6 v1 T) ^$ g4 j2 K- T! U. z也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..9 i; {' y4 `/ S) q
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,; I9 h8 f* w! x; ~) u9 b; I3 l
我并不以为然。
4 L0 j0 v, E3 T( \+ \5 r% _/ k可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
7 H( ~, D: [. @$ ?0 z慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .4 w& y% W* @% H: _. Y3 w9 @
被一种情绪所左右,
3 d7 f6 r# C6 e7 @# q7 f% b总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
! A3 ]4 b. O' }" ?& @$ [& C即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you4 k1 @4 @8 ~) [1 V# S4 x3 |9 `
也不问我是否喜欢你,/ o7 \: D5 t+ L. G
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
; y$ t. A- U( G; F, G* t0 h; y2 X只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you% U; Y2 m, L& C" K" q
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you* J7 e4 @4 S3 y% d! s% k
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
) v" `. s* X- F/ k然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere - E1 m# Q) q4 u% j, c4 B1 Y
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
; a4 ^5 @' O5 w  [# O1 o9 r记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.7 V/ }$ v& B$ ~  v
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 2 o7 I5 d% b, h4 e6 t
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字' x. l9 b, J! @& s* B, O
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
  A2 V! q" `2 U# C: ?+ j+ w+ U3 {# n一种声音,and your voice
# G+ P! }5 Y2 o( I; r( P也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.; d- T* L+ X0 m. ?
掺杂著幸福的感觉。) ~, k( m# j% a& \5 p  s
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land7 M# z0 }; [) c3 I( c# j! M
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
7 H8 G% b  \* V8 Q倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
8 K/ V; w9 L" y0 n纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
% [* L# y( _# L0 k9 ~  r你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss2 ~1 w4 I) W4 d. w" |8 M
有一个能够让思念的人,
5 T0 j+ m& K+ t2 {其实也是一种幸福。
! K; U; C) m5 k; u! B5 w% ?* H. z. p尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ; F, {- [0 q" h, y9 m0 S! {
柔柔的海风,/ ], [. q  g0 u% X
甜甜的夏天。0 v) l, n+ D  U
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
' m1 J' @* a$ U  A只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.! D; H9 C! ?7 D) t
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 W$ ^- z2 ~- d5 a6 {* B想和你有共同的情结,
2 z  G, g) o* f/ j6 `% z共同的心愿。
+ y7 ~* r7 i- |: \" B% N5 B: G( }, }# y, b
$ `' U. |4 c1 F4 A" i. D
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you+ j! P1 _- D& a+ }) P
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together4 ^5 j+ c( B8 f- {
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 6 E! d' k" V) e6 @/ W& C. a
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.7 J$ W' m$ i7 D) m7 e  Z9 x% ~
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?8 X, U. |9 |3 j) F: g6 I# A  W
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 7 Z/ q/ W7 N$ \2 r& C
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
9 k) O( Q/ U! Q# E5 u0 Z7 Y0 R或是轻轻的一吻,2 G6 R4 i% ~- y6 X8 Y# T8 _
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』' C# {9 y5 M& s
就足够了. That is enough.
( Q# N) K& ]$ }6 ?% ~: ~这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
$ k( A5 ~, ?8 D6 F2 {5 n终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
$ M6 {1 R1 u( U  |9 N' R萌出了芽,
4 x; T; [2 o3 E0 C, o# }一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
+ }# ]- p/ @0 z, L( Z8 R浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
) C0 u( q2 G# p9 X1 ]如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
$ q9 {" r0 V" }. M1 y  Y! O6 z能够牵著你的手,  \1 [2 x% B" z. b
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.4 y& O3 r* m# d5 F% y' o
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 7 w* ^7 W/ h! }2 q1 O* A: |  P
慢慢地细读,/ p4 |/ U( ~; }: Y: H% @
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
+ r. [1 A  k7 }( Y8 h% w, m9 ?0 ~在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
, @7 C. w4 _( }- D我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
" Z1 P% B( z4 P9 A就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
5 G$ @: _9 `9 A( T; p* s现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
1 k0 O3 V6 Y$ F/ s6 i& c- f" ]( z% V; }+ G眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
! W6 d' k- @" H8 ?; ~" ]change to:lacked% X; j8 R* \9 Q% T
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
" ?! V" G. F3 n2 w+ U4 P4 dCats often played at the whole hot night.2 F0 a8 i0 h5 s$ _
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及" q7 K" C1 v+ I6 n, T+ _
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
- x0 q1 ^9 v1 WI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. $ L0 z/ W. Q5 s) m" s
该为:throughyour hands.
: x3 \, w, M% R. T. _还没检查完,下一次再改.
大型搬家
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。- x3 G' N. D/ ]7 C+ w
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。8 h' w- H3 H) a/ |2 O1 M
至少比我强。* l% {8 Z" O; u; J
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
& }7 y- U1 Q" @; a
- X# I& j2 A0 s+ H, a8 R这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。) V& g5 F- e. K3 _& [: P7 {& Z
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.& ~4 z" T$ Q- N, S) w8 D: z% H
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.7 {5 p% ?9 ~. ^" l0 j$ @' L
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:* R+ Z2 ]# _. Z
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
2 y2 D& _* I! UPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
$ p$ @) I( f- g; d3 k Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
" O: a& ]6 r+ F* {( jThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.( ]& S7 g& @( e, V
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.4 v4 l) S  g- g  E! j/ H" k& b
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
: j: I, n: C, h' W1 NCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 1 ]: N  {# u/ B
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.1 Y4 H5 f# b5 k( j0 B, f3 T
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming., d6 k& L, b( \% i) y
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
) M7 T9 c+ K+ a; `2 YThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
* `6 t2 T1 g; W+ XI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.5 t/ g$ S- W0 L1 P* l+ [* B
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
, S, a" Z( j% @4 m* c; _In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
& N' }; O6 l: g: w2 H; mIntoxicated then feel cold,
0 @0 A+ r' y4 p' lthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
; {9 l) b  Y0 S, K3 J( R; G) sI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.' Y; V3 S6 Y: q9 |# y
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
3 y/ F8 C+ e. HWhy I am always hoodwinked!
9 T8 ?- I( f; LI have told myself many times cautiously + E, k1 X5 M; G% Q% u+ w
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
. C- e% ]4 e7 q( z  vThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
: w6 d2 }  k. L7 h; B& }Why can`t I take it easy?
9 d5 O3 p& ?& O3 [* A( E  THow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
# [$ Y' E) @# b) o  _; e3 YWhen the quiet night comes" G: _5 _! U" m- S3 R) @! j
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
) G9 D+ m! m% }The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
3 d8 l2 L/ N7 n/ o, L7 B( eYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,0 K5 |4 c  ]6 D8 }
light the dark corner in my mind.8 H( ^' m# f& j$ B5 ^) e  T
I feel a bit of cozy.
3 _* n( ^$ {7 K8 x) l+ Z2 A. ]The deep attached to you in a twinkling
- ?9 a7 @/ }# W0 L2 u; Z0 j' ymaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.- P0 u' F# d- r' y) G3 N
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,2 c6 c. Y4 T2 n" W0 l3 q+ L
but accompanying with the time passed3 C$ [- S/ Z* S( k8 P
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,' P0 _3 X; M/ p7 Q9 L/ A3 X7 F
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
# \2 v+ V7 q' F7 y6 H- u0 \* o( `* kWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
% T+ Q4 _& c: g/ y) ?only feel gracious for your existing,
5 ?! n$ U8 s# J  ?( ronlt want to do something for you.- G) B, b7 j" L6 O% k6 h& N
Every time when you meet me6 U+ |- Y) I+ Q0 H' J9 |- `. N# z
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,! b6 r7 o. d7 p1 x
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere) u7 A% d; m$ R/ h
That live in my heart.! D6 C/ P' J% U: o$ n# b
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?" O4 m9 R  ~" U8 N/ U
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
! ?; e+ v: E  |; Z4 u+ ]+ x3 Qmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.8 m4 h$ w( ~" H$ B6 k4 ?
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
1 U+ _& m5 C# B+ k; p) q3 hsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.+ P) F5 N: t' R# F, Z! q
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,% }, D  r' n/ x8 f7 l
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
0 U( ^3 c/ Q+ b0 kSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
1 p* L7 v+ R! ?! S; }0 Z$ vonly waiting for you quietly& U9 `2 ]7 t8 P/ |3 \) G. n
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do." e4 H" j. L' t: v, B2 X$ J9 _
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
! j! ^- Y: J; T5 D. ?, w2 gand enjoy the rain washing together
  O; C  b, E) l3 V( W5 nor rush to a film
$ h7 j8 T7 ^1 O' E( ]- |, Mor listen to a music quietly.
5 S% e2 _& u2 K% ^2 P9 o* O, aWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
# B, B5 P. ^& w7 m. E; U: aIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
7 ?; w+ f( {4 J2 D+ e7 vsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you"., K/ r5 S/ X: n- e, \  ?& }+ @. |
That is enough.6 v6 Y0 n5 k& }  [# U
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,4 Z# q* f3 P- m$ O/ g% S0 J
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
% s$ V# N" Q5 g4 _the same as my missing.
9 @7 x# U' H* b! r# A. o# S  CIt comes a little bit of verdure.7 O8 x* n  x  G- r5 R: R
If, If some day I can touch your hand,   z, r, e1 L$ O" {5 Y1 j
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.2 |! }/ e: A! H- f
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.! E) n! X7 V( ?
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
5 P. x) Y7 I: O! S0 I  o( gAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
- l( B2 N+ K( x" Q+ athen I will have all care and ardor.; n' |7 w* d$ k- J5 j
Shall we walk arm in arm?
9 ^# z4 t2 k; i呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.) W1 r0 d& s) I+ U% A
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.4 N$ I! V. y, Z8 A' Z0 R
I am still the same person of yesterday.5 L6 J0 }% y% _8 D5 {7 D
Unchanged name, unchanged I.& w/ z6 g, ~: ]) F: p$ M
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 6 ^) X& p6 V% i+ X3 Y
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.( Y% \$ o, f8 @
More or less,
! q6 b" D( e- e" D& ]0 _ a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
( g; s) U2 {" n) [  n: p
0 X- X; U" q. N8 C" i) L8 h' R: QSummer easily slips away
9 V6 ~- \) \/ A# o) cThose long lost hot nights
' ~* K9 O6 B& N+ E- U can only be found in the old days.
, E1 A5 b  d5 _2 g/ y
. H6 X/ o, M  K3 rCats jumping over the window sills,
) n* N- w7 b/ A5 _5 S6 v, e9 zchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 # O& m  m% |: r0 T# B+ V
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% W) z) g1 M; l* ?8 A; j7 SLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.  R+ L! i1 y8 h- a6 @) q. Q8 a
I am still the same person of yesterday.+ L1 q7 w: S9 G2 ^! x* u- C
Unchanged name, unchange ...

6 y% @3 `. p2 g: j( `  i
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 7 W. X: M( Y: F/ r) I" g* \
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
, t; z" e  @$ B" T- P6 aLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' F% ?5 Z0 l" U7 ~! L0 _
I am still the same person of yesterday.# U, N7 K' X; r% j
Unchanged name, unchange ...
9 v6 f7 O/ v* a* v9 w
i like it.
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