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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,2 {+ P+ e' ?9 W3 |+ a+ @' l
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
8 v- S1 V- i  |零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
; H' O; i5 ]5 ]现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
. S. V! U& v" \  z梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.$ g, N# l" K! t+ P/ D7 R9 c
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.  ~9 J9 j9 ?( [! K/ _) o; o( W3 g+ C/ `
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
1 ]0 K9 E; c$ X3 H& ~猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.( [' e- j' R! n
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.3 X1 ~6 j% e( k% |  G+ e$ W8 h+ ]
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
% p; t3 B9 T) }0 Q; |, f那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
" c& L2 a+ c4 K8 f" |! k世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
! n! x" N, {2 t9 k" ^( r" Q& v昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
, e3 i" N* s1 |  T8 v6 z想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
5 v! @, F# C0 G最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
' q6 d4 I8 V- J* e寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?1 ^3 Y: {6 ]0 k3 {2 n- P
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.# I+ y/ ?" ?' {5 e
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
- |8 r2 I3 H4 z; U' W/ V最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.- T7 Y1 n! `% \0 o
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?* h. Y; h- \+ a% ~
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
& ^; }1 d% e# `6 \, d2 p6 m多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously6 f' p3 ?9 E* u6 R) {' @8 W: ^6 g% @
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig., p+ B% i4 K4 a0 |% j4 D- n
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, # R( T& Q& R/ K$ Q
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
6 z  X) `. s) [% l$ x( G多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!, n3 n* k& s: l5 P" l1 K
永难平息的泪5 ~$ i; D9 ]6 P* I
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
- a4 F. t: M/ Z! N~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes./ C8 c# `" o. t( y
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
+ G& G1 d6 T: D% |9 [让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,. [% f2 M: [1 k# ^# i5 y
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
' K1 E. h0 C. {一抹微笑;+ a- q. K: }* E, D/ V
一个手势;
% c" I8 e. R2 _) P, A/ E- Z一片话语,. }. }5 ^: }$ q4 N+ i$ G1 u
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、7 s4 C6 |7 e3 a4 t
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
2 |8 y& D6 O( [+ v心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
! ~3 Q, Y& j7 K7 A! s* P这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling7 v" M1 u  e3 t) [
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..8 I1 o4 O" B0 V4 _  W
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,9 Z. L; X7 ^: S0 ]  B% s0 ]* i
我并不以为然。
4 i4 B. W9 `& E% L! q+ H# Z可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
/ M* o: u/ ~; ?+ g) ?& f慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .7 O& }1 D* N% c
被一种情绪所左右,* m6 n" d: r" x# z
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
. v: {! t" m6 F即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you) x& d  e* M# r2 Z1 f1 f
也不问我是否喜欢你,
$ `7 J* o! a4 W8 H对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
8 f- [( S# {) S# [& C只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
- U5 y6 U5 \9 |$ _) d3 u4 D3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
; ]4 u/ V( }" r+ z3 W+ d" j: U心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
2 m5 O7 X& X/ Y" u# [8 Q7 P! M然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
1 _* W1 v7 k0 m+ U; p+ i; }你的身影已化成一种氛围,3 A% E8 D1 `# }& |
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
9 B2 D# b) O' M你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! & c1 o2 g' b5 t9 v
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
; V# J2 j) ?8 r0 ?. z' r7 T  M1 T5 }+ S哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
4 N7 e; m9 _" Z7 q- v: t! A5 S- S% e一种声音,and your voice3 T6 A" E; o/ M8 T' d
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
' m4 c) T0 S; l* l5 W掺杂著幸福的感觉。3 D- }8 w$ |0 E( D. t" L( E8 m
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land" e3 ~( G/ m7 j9 h! R
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,4 `+ w6 x; |! H- A4 {
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
% o$ U; M( `( x+ P# p# r  [, n8 K纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。9 G& z: y) N1 _* k) F
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss+ x) H0 }7 I: E% i0 G) U, X/ I
有一个能够让思念的人,
9 J8 _: ^* ?0 K& t5 v; Y3 V其实也是一种幸福。
0 T% u; M# n5 m! ^尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ) \5 A0 o3 u7 S+ N
柔柔的海风,  S1 O1 @5 g5 }$ C2 t3 ?- w; v
甜甜的夏天。8 k" u) Z! {( v0 K
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
$ F) k5 @5 c! E. X* p: p只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.) E, i6 \$ k: `2 A+ K
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.) V% i1 H( _1 u' q
想和你有共同的情结,- e9 _& M( }5 k2 A$ Y  ~' L3 `
共同的心愿。
$ q* u' B0 n( m. Q7 p
9 S4 ~" |5 c/ X- k
: W: [; w: `& d好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
- M3 k0 q) T- v$ w# G3 e1 Z* p  y2 Z一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together* G. U' D/ j2 t  I8 N
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 5 C6 W3 P3 T$ }9 A
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.4 ?  c) }+ w) s
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
/ p9 O( P  d) l9 K+ W我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
  B8 D, i9 {( j  h7 p: i0 ^/ c; i浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
2 X) v: ^) e! `1 v% \或是轻轻的一吻,
8 |/ i; \2 E! O: p/ B7 `再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
1 k4 I/ F# Q3 ~  f' w就足够了. That is enough.
* ~  X3 q% Y: e; v5 I" ]/ E: ^这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 3 h. Y% w  q0 N. t) X# [% }7 W
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.6 \6 ^+ j# r3 S) q3 |! ^4 m6 y) d
萌出了芽,# u) ?! ~6 ?- v: H( G2 f( R: b
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing6 R4 G1 C7 f5 w3 N8 Y
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.( W' S& _; @, z
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand% k) L& ^9 W' `7 r; e
能够牵著你的手,; _8 R; ?/ K. e+ J0 s5 q
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
, A7 _& h/ j4 X0 }7 p% s- t/ o/ w让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
' v" c. {  O" N, c5 [8 X4 [慢慢地细读,
8 l& A! `  f1 s9 Y$ ]3 M# o9 n. U1 J我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
  N0 B: ]& q! z8 G在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me : {. X1 O, P7 Z  U! c* G
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
2 x- \; A0 j3 @7 g就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
3 x; ]+ X2 d% b4 F+ o现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago! V! m2 t+ X1 q. M
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.% \- S1 _7 E& ?2 ]0 _/ f
change to:lacked
1 J/ ~/ d) ]: q" M% \! s% M猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.$ `1 y3 u! y8 P. x1 W- p( O0 U3 u' l
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
3 k1 s# \3 b, o; h) l5 {9 W 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
/ r- }' s3 y5 R" f, l- Q3 E( K. e改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
1 W/ `$ F; G; i! z2 ^+ T* y, bI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. + X  S* h3 G/ h2 K
该为:throughyour hands.
+ v; y+ B3 l1 s$ F8 U还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
& m4 i( Z7 P8 o/ T  D不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。" g+ Q3 I9 o% x" S4 U
至少比我强。: N5 T  b; \8 r
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
2 r; z( @8 l) h6 j( X* d; W  o3 h. |1 Y4 H4 M" _  ]. u
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
# X3 `# I6 R3 w后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.2 T/ i1 g( h( O8 v* V' \
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.+ B0 I) Z. k9 S; I
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
( H5 X2 V( Q! ~0 _7 T0 FEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
4 E; x. o) _7 [' JPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
( h; C& {: \5 w& ]$ W) P) x Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.* Z& Q9 ~, w+ E! H$ a
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
* A# _& D  ^! [  Z! L) N$ XSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.% D5 E9 K( G& Y: G
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:9 b3 |! [: h9 M0 A. J+ A3 J& v: R
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 3 V1 r- W$ g. f) p9 f' n- b& q+ c
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
; ~4 i) I/ Q, i8 [& `I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming." t, y  o$ |* N# H- f% X7 Z1 s: Q$ U. |
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
8 V. }6 X3 W4 s  F. yThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.0 J9 b+ z  Z. |( P% i6 `9 |- Q" q
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
+ Z5 R3 p7 @& {5 p/ T. GI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.5 s4 o- D  J( s
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?! g* [- f( V) l% Y
Intoxicated then feel cold,
# V' Z0 V' z( c( J3 H) j  h3 Lthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
" l' n% e- d: Y& l. }$ {2 [: m& aI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
& _: @$ j( z- ~' I8 Q, X% `- O; @The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
% a9 ?1 _$ q0 X3 A& X- `Why I am always hoodwinked!
" O! c+ J2 A0 r2 R/ @3 GI have told myself many times cautiously
* t, p. O1 d& l; E( ^% h# Qdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.1 B* C; s! @' }! a" X! I: h
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
3 ~& ]6 L) F2 Y2 a. ?Why can`t I take it easy?
4 }. y3 r1 X; ^* y2 PHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
  H, d4 k7 P! F6 y# q* nWhen the quiet night comes
" j5 k; s3 l! W" F# }# dyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.% J- L# [. N" T7 J9 T+ I
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
5 R2 a% x3 I1 c- y8 |2 T$ MYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
5 `1 Z: q  g! }light the dark corner in my mind." F5 W+ l& B8 [2 Z( W* v
I feel a bit of cozy.
5 d  Q: [8 V/ V* N# D, b# gThe deep attached to you in a twinkling) T2 [8 @0 x# l& r7 m
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
2 f2 [1 K& G. H! z% f# g* v, J7 rI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,% a# F# q( X( x! U' [
but accompanying with the time passed1 k9 c) O/ P8 k- J
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
0 g5 v/ }0 l3 D% P8 {always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.& W& F% R1 o" R- T
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
% o# u  c/ r" A# r) [& y7 bonly feel gracious for your existing,9 u. ?# c4 ~( J7 v
onlt want to do something for you.
0 C  I3 p" o: c' o+ g+ t; z" wEvery time when you meet me
% n0 ?2 E" n! x4 S! [- nthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,* X$ R& J% w3 i* S* }. @
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere+ {+ Y/ R" `1 y; C/ a6 G
That live in my heart.
  Y/ |* L' @3 x. q" `3 _& b  k$ eDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?; }* ~6 |; F) J1 ^& |1 D% P
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice* s' d* w3 Z6 D! H2 Y+ _, \1 l1 d
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.  F' a& s2 g$ K) k* X
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
. S; ?  f9 u+ Nsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.( N, e) X: p& l8 k. N. L% }
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,3 a7 Z( Y. f  S: u+ f2 b, ~' p9 u
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.5 n& l* T5 O. L7 I" C6 r4 j
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ( p  B+ }- X" f  N7 C9 h5 m6 R
only waiting for you quietly& |$ C# t- z# Y4 h) n" ?
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.- {) Y3 m* W& w" `
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you # h# l: q/ f) G
and enjoy the rain washing together
" g' ^5 f$ U5 _3 Kor rush to a film
0 P( `; A' r2 e; R6 c# _' Cor listen to a music quietly.; w5 Q1 w% i4 q, T, m' [; W9 _0 c. q
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
/ B5 f3 C% G6 n1 ^! f6 W0 e+ VIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,7 }6 V7 h6 [9 j
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
! v) ]+ B, b5 ?+ C  IThat is enough.( t' J$ d% Q9 [1 i1 W
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,! E) {  }% F7 x8 b2 w% G- J
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
' ?7 `  c" @) c* k! Y  Ithe same as my missing.
0 R( q0 F7 s8 Z1 z7 fIt comes a little bit of verdure.
! S$ p3 w6 u% [+ ~, f+ z* FIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
1 F2 F. v7 s$ S4 jthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.2 V/ K! j3 [6 u# Q) ?6 c
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.6 f" c; X7 Y- B2 N5 q
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
9 G, Z+ B+ S$ g* \6 Y! CAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
; r/ L3 J3 [7 B5 M$ ~, \then I will have all care and ardor.
2 \2 @* S4 [0 o2 w, p  RShall we walk arm in arm?  z# U; u! g" @7 Y
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
0 k' I4 G3 e. `: J/ _8 M7 QLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.; q$ c( D% t' F
I am still the same person of yesterday.
  ~6 i. _. m7 ]# c' ]/ HUnchanged name, unchanged I.* N; G8 p% `" j4 I+ R: E
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
" w8 [, b! l' c* P+ D4 `Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
' u. V: w! @7 t( I" c3 L9 SMore or less,8 X9 Q1 g+ Q( W( L' z# [, ^& b* X
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
/ q# \% w& H$ l: f' b+ U" {4 Z9 ~% N( Q3 E& Z4 Y
Summer easily slips away
$ E4 o; l5 Y, q, v! OThose long lost hot nights2 a4 `& v" y4 a3 u
can only be found in the old days.
+ v* W3 }( U) }. Q4 E# O/ n2 ~
  K0 B; t9 U3 y3 ?Cats jumping over the window sills, 9 l: v) d) t1 H7 l5 e: d
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
% R5 q  W3 a7 K$ L3 P- uGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.( ^4 }% D" j* g" A- X  Z1 O3 p1 h
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
+ o9 r% N7 g6 F1 Q: P, |I am still the same person of yesterday.
0 L( H4 Z. Q! D1 ~! |9 @, FUnchanged name, unchange ...

* A) q; R6 ?+ \$ b
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
$ Z; A5 s& N4 n4 ^: F* PGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ I! c! U; N' [% j
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
: O3 k$ g# F& S. {' }& AI am still the same person of yesterday.  j$ {7 J# b+ R- W
Unchanged name, unchange ...

5 ?1 U, o1 H  }1 e" A( r  mi like it.
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