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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
: ?$ Z; j! V& I# n. q,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  - `. [& o( A* F4 [+ E- P- p$ {; L
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
# T( P" w& S/ v" p; B$ ?$ Q: O, f现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.$ F. T& S; V5 S2 Y! S# m
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
/ V  ]+ W6 ?' Y4 ]3 R" y# \6 B* E眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
& P! M  A4 w" ]7 f% v8 a' i夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.' N; ^& |8 R# N2 R
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.- Q9 v: Q# }( B
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
0 c9 I" A) @7 c* n* C. O我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
- s2 w$ n" o" f- n4 t! w那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。5 F# q; T7 C/ ?6 G% K+ v8 ]1 {
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
2 {- o# k$ \; V- ~  z/ D7 N昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
. a  Y1 j0 C1 B( b: M9 \$ N* f6 Y想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
0 M! c" R' K; G2 o* Y最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 7 ]3 @( ]/ t. j  N' L
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
8 k; q6 E2 ?+ d& H, U. v醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
, `- Z4 ?0 }% c4 t/ _! d( I) K迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
% Z. j/ O/ F; t) z  r# f/ k最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have., r9 \% Q% f; L* n' J, ^3 j
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
& x7 t# [8 Y- B- E" ~# qWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
: E  o2 A$ w) W多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously/ ~& j/ q! L% D6 o4 w
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
; x& N# j) I* z$ K9 J多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
9 _; r* F3 C6 Z, Z' V+ E; a, x为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?0 M$ Q, E# L7 `
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!" r* g4 {8 W$ q) h4 X# _
永难平息的泪( O1 B0 {" T7 u7 H/ `4 Y
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes+ j3 \3 j/ n/ l, F$ s" @
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
3 p' e1 N/ Q2 x6 {* u( g3 W当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.0 j. k) T( L% h1 ]0 E6 G
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,& i% O  c; M, t
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
! u: s1 j' i/ B4 T% A& i3 d一抹微笑;0 g. z$ j3 q+ K; X
一个手势;
- q( T1 `% y+ O* R: V8 e+ N一片话语,
$ Q9 X4 M$ m- M# ^8 {愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
/ B# A' a5 \" d+ E2 a- w明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
5 }5 b! F) W/ y0 k/ b; H& l心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
1 l' W/ H0 _! J+ E; S! x# v这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling( G- Q9 v& Z- f# ?! E. B4 l3 O, p
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
! f6 R( R* w9 A7 _* M8 T起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,& ?9 }: ?" q5 z$ R5 k
我并不以为然。
" ]. `9 Z. E8 ?& s可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
6 |( A& y, x$ [( {% w9 F: }慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .# M$ q  R! x( R0 u3 k
被一种情绪所左右,( o( p% Q9 z. ]  `, G# p
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
& m: w# A2 y, n& u/ v, n即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
$ b, R9 [$ v- r也不问我是否喜欢你,
" y9 _5 a1 s/ y7 d  {0 w+ D对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.# @  I7 w, j' _+ Y5 C  E- Z
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you# t' B0 t' }; D* n
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you9 l7 ^8 K# ~* p' r
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil6 ?/ P# z% s9 _4 z% F) x
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
" c& R1 C+ A- z: A- K/ Y你的身影已化成一种氛围,
9 a/ u0 U* v) {. ?: J& B记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
% g8 ^2 m& ~0 _  y( K你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 4 v; l! X2 Y/ J5 L/ Y+ k2 q
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
4 X* H7 T8 \( D5 k哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,. [5 o- w$ _' p  N  b2 Z7 m
一种声音,and your voice4 f# x( R8 d; a' x6 ^% h& X, W! D2 Q- W
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.8 X: N8 t  ^) s
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
$ V2 _& U; L2 ^0 a9 d. U: ~与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land* B, O/ v3 u! W1 v
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
4 H* B2 M: ~4 p& O* |倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
& r  L* R6 ?# z: Q纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
! k5 ]1 A' f' x. w你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
9 \7 G3 N8 G$ _# b" c; \有一个能够让思念的人,
6 |$ C# P2 C6 f& o9 C* H- g其实也是一种幸福。& {# m0 _1 h6 Y2 K) W# e- z7 O
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
) b5 F/ i, E  S/ R9 _柔柔的海风,6 w1 Y: O4 u# Q. L$ h% y
甜甜的夏天。2 N- X. `3 Z6 l- }& z
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 5 t! ?$ r1 H, Y2 ?& b8 `
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
- ]) i3 Y: a# N. j( P仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.+ u  a; @; i& O3 @8 r, j. I1 i7 L7 {
想和你有共同的情结,( I( S6 H7 t4 d( Q1 s" V
共同的心愿。$ g0 C( K$ W. m

, h: W2 Q5 O6 w5 a. U0 _0 I4 T: I, k0 G0 W$ l
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
  ]0 H" Q7 r# P# {/ i6 w0 f一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together5 M& C- p/ O+ a, o$ D! ]
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film . O4 l  E9 @* v$ L
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly., W9 d8 ^& n& [; n5 K, Y
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
% ~* o) p2 ]0 Y' ^; }7 N我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, ( c" G' |& P/ m5 p2 Y
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”9 @. R5 d( H9 f7 P5 g  f
或是轻轻的一吻,! M7 P2 U8 P! o3 t% W' i
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
" b( g3 M1 X% K) \就足够了. That is enough.9 S/ a" o( X# [$ H3 b0 e0 `
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ; A+ b* e& C6 E/ h3 X
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.+ W  e2 S. j5 ?; h3 Y; y( {- Y
萌出了芽,8 P8 x- Q4 F& E# a& _
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing2 n4 ]2 D7 ]+ l# F: ~$ l
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.4 a3 o* |, P+ I  g) |* Q6 W
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
: n* C- H  n1 P" m! r9 Q9 S能够牵著你的手,
7 _. c1 T4 b. ]7 H/ @那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
8 v- @+ g3 A/ D  j! p让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
& O6 w1 H, l9 W4 q6 a+ X慢慢地细读,; V6 y. Z( u1 S3 ^' Y' e4 K
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
2 b$ b3 V& B- }+ [2 ~6 I9 q在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me / L7 d8 Z8 ^& i6 [. Y% J7 T$ U
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 6 |- B! y6 A9 X+ F/ b8 Y+ e
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:7 F- ]8 `* M, D, Q
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago& O2 K% \' T! o9 J% ~. \
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.4 c, d) B% E6 i
change to:lacked# E. X0 Z. ?) U: ^* G# m8 D
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
3 N9 h2 O0 Z" O; f3 ?Cats often played at the whole hot night.
0 p7 b7 _, l+ w) d! E* } 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及! E' n- W# Y) f+ x: z1 {
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.5 J8 ?% f% z( w, Z0 L0 C
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 q3 }  t4 J0 E  k& v5 w4 Y1 j该为:throughyour hands.
2 h6 g2 `4 C' o& b6 s: K/ D还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。2 d) _4 ^7 t. i2 G# o2 z) N
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。4 G+ h* W! L* ~6 B+ q* k! Q8 k9 [
至少比我强。
9 W  d- t4 n' P1 z偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 8 F* J2 k; Z6 s) D
6 c8 T! l, X- @* f) x- J
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
  l1 {3 d$ d/ V4 C$ B) F7 o后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.  k( U: Q, P. n" _
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
1 G1 X% F' \2 d* ^, L7 n前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
3 _& N% P( L& GEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.* Q$ D$ U) c: {( ?
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.; S- J" a+ w4 ^3 T) t2 F7 E/ h
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
$ R' W+ X) o  Q+ OThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
4 u" v0 x% `! H2 ]9 `8 S" p5 M0 wSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
! h9 F* ]7 {0 e. t" B* j1 k- nSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:" e! `; _% m' w
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ; w9 ~' z( [4 R3 s
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
+ G& B4 l! i7 `! RI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.2 I+ C5 v( u4 y+ n2 J8 ]! F
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
$ [  E$ Y, a0 R8 t; I- ZThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
5 g  M4 B4 u. G- R2 ?( vI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
6 F- B( n! p" q: KI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
2 Q- Q7 r- R/ m8 qIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
  A6 \+ n9 G+ V3 A& `7 VIntoxicated then feel cold,
" [. L7 v0 f# O1 [! l2 w7 O+ h5 fthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction." e! _. U- I: x" t# t$ P+ v
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
  Z8 t5 [" e+ LThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
6 N: ?: R6 ?. j# \4 g1 y1 }# fWhy I am always hoodwinked!
# B! t* o7 _; b) DI have told myself many times cautiously % C7 y; {* W  s  l5 c/ c
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
4 `  J/ ~5 w0 U6 r" @The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.$ i4 N) i6 j( ^" H& s- n
Why can`t I take it easy?
9 s* ]9 X1 T5 W# B" UHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
5 {  m3 ^0 G9 xWhen the quiet night comes) a( a. U3 |2 _; ~& \8 @
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
" N, u( b" }2 z: r( jThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.$ f# q* j: Y1 E( G9 Y4 W$ B* I5 A
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
. S! y- R8 n+ v5 q) I8 E# |( Xlight the dark corner in my mind.9 y" K* X( H3 \0 f7 i) n7 K
I feel a bit of cozy.
  Q/ P/ s, A1 l! H7 x9 KThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
/ R' T) ?0 W: s8 A! ^2 L- [maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
5 _' t4 k7 h; kI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
5 H) K2 z, P& I, }4 @; }but accompanying with the time passed
: e6 r9 n$ m. r0 hI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,8 p; F8 ^& A; F1 f6 T
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.. O, l5 e2 T7 ?8 A' G1 l
Without asking if you like me or if I like you6 f  Q. b. H" A$ h4 ~) |1 y
only feel gracious for your existing,
& h! [* B, p, g9 O! h, \onlt want to do something for you.
0 s7 u# B# C% q; Z: G% pEvery time when you meet me4 X% Q0 b- q/ _& o. K" t
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,( h8 X" J9 A) ]
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
+ u$ }- |* ?- }4 L, e/ b7 iThat live in my heart.
' `* t8 N. _) V9 X! W/ V! |% qDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
2 p5 T' w4 g9 O/ aEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice* w+ g- |+ p: o6 w) y
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.$ U' A% g8 w6 J5 ~4 o/ r
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land& S; @4 Q  u, I: I# M
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.% `5 z9 ^7 p$ \- b$ m# `4 Z4 x/ d
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
! ]4 j& d) m/ Z9 D; I( iespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.& R3 L) j6 \, F* i# C( Y
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy $ q, L6 k% ~( }# e- Z/ l
only waiting for you quietly0 y" n$ x3 x3 }+ H+ a( p
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
5 c3 \- R* U$ K3 R2 hI really want to ramble in the small rain with you 6 D$ ]/ D3 D0 C
and enjoy the rain washing together
- \5 I0 N- b: Q) i, @9 X/ F9 k/ Jor rush to a film
, K8 k, v  B9 s' Gor listen to a music quietly.
  S6 v, _+ J/ S, q& ]% qWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?' J9 S, j& }" b2 Z
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
4 ~! y: k. |; r  Wsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
2 b. d: M* ?5 }. s' cThat is enough.
! l- J1 _! t/ ~$ FMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
4 t* Y* c" i5 g3 h& Z& ^finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
+ {" k& m& @* M) @* {; j+ dthe same as my missing.0 `4 w" Q! T1 V1 J1 c8 P; X
It comes a little bit of verdure.1 n: @2 ~! @1 @5 m1 x
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
. b: I4 \* }' e  T' w0 Y# K3 P% mthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
# o  q6 s7 ~7 T% n9 U1 X0 J  W: WLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
3 W, L0 k7 N' ]6 gI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
) a, J$ S9 z4 n( P4 C- vAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,. s1 a2 S6 v3 g4 O  J8 s
then I will have all care and ardor.
+ g# _( Y% W8 P4 ]! SShall we walk arm in arm?$ R4 J3 ^; i) C6 m; O
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.9 F6 c6 ~+ |% q
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
/ U/ Q, \  B' @: K- N7 G$ TI am still the same person of yesterday.6 D, `' C; I7 k4 C9 \0 x9 b
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
0 E8 i* T" W6 Z2 ?Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
8 {, C$ L6 a1 L  U* bLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
6 \  g1 i5 R" J$ J. tMore or less,* y& T1 r1 n( W# e% Y
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.+ c' D7 |5 q( n- s" w# p  b- l

7 `/ P0 \  r3 K! f. x: G/ s+ a8 MSummer easily slips away
2 j) [1 Z2 s' d: R/ tThose long lost hot nights7 G( U7 _9 z4 k. H4 H
can only be found in the old days. 9 |0 n3 D$ D: @! |/ |

/ k: [3 o. r! U6 R. \" T* a9 b3 VCats jumping over the window sills,
( M+ O+ s/ Y3 C- I7 schasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
6 b3 ?7 W3 `# m5 c1 d; B- t' UGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.0 F6 c6 I6 K  Z: x- F) h
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.- S  U6 L4 T/ Z/ b7 I: q* D
I am still the same person of yesterday.
+ E8 M0 C* y+ ~; I9 |, RUnchanged name, unchange ...
# x/ W% P8 t/ W! H' B! V7 {
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 : P% }6 K' s/ k* |5 s! ^
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 c: j' Y( ]/ c: G% FLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
: P- o( d! K% `" x! R4 CI am still the same person of yesterday.
, s: R. P  e' n( cUnchanged name, unchange ...

! U8 g9 X( Z* p  x) n" bi like it.
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