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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
( ^7 @" k7 h4 R" m: |,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
4 N% `& s5 ]+ g+ R0 e零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . # J1 N: h  C& t( e) f" `: x
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
9 C, S% Z/ J  D$ `: G梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.5 \% a% u% C) F" M! {, k, o* q
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
4 N0 {' G7 b4 `9 y4 o" s: ]夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.9 ~4 F' f2 q3 i. N
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
9 L) N7 u- s# l! t8 [" Y( t就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.* T2 }2 n: {/ D8 @
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
* g% j/ r( Q; T# i3 h. U那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。+ F5 E: o: c1 J2 F! E$ L# C
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
7 O( B: T. N) Y  X3 P9 {昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
- p! L* q1 y; q1 a; T  e8 c2 W+ t想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
( |& b2 I# ^  x8 U# y最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
4 ]& s1 {9 N; J+ P寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?9 d; x  b  R/ C1 p; T
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.6 G0 b4 `2 g, ]/ W! Q8 Y9 H  N
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.% H7 J9 P; N" P% C6 }
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 R& I; }0 H. Q7 C. c% r
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?; F9 T, y6 T  s8 f9 l+ w  s' U
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….3 p$ {+ F. s! Y4 t+ g
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
1 A3 C& J2 y' N2 p0 u不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.+ n3 v( F% G) b
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,   M' g! c9 Y, D. q) _# V
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?5 ^  X5 H; Y. x# g
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
! p# [+ _: \6 E" ]: \" v永难平息的泪, l6 n5 Y- U- [9 t
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
$ Z/ p# Q9 y* @4 d+ a  ^7 }~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.: F& V; f8 \7 J9 q
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.* J. z# s. `# J4 h
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,9 X0 [: k+ F# E3 p; o
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 0 h8 b3 m7 p) {. }( Z& U
一抹微笑;
( A3 |4 Y$ T- [一个手势;- ^: y' M6 H1 ?% B5 m: z+ V
一片话语,
& R$ a0 Q+ h( h- p0 W! w9 ]愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
! A) [" `! K7 H  Z2 v- [) L9 D明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
: r. G6 n8 r" A; |* `7 i心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.+ y2 F( \* C& `( p2 E
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
1 t. n* i# c0 i; P也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..3 D4 b1 t' _2 C. a. T
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
  l. O. t" _; g) P' g) T  r我并不以为然。  [* U) f- H& ~
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
! q- _* b6 P3 {0 s/ o0 t% W9 ]8 D慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion ./ S- f7 c9 y/ H7 `# F5 U) o
被一种情绪所左右,* W3 e+ U7 j9 g: X" O9 V9 _
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .8 o) z+ G3 @' c) k7 S7 V
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
. Z$ n- [- s7 g+ U6 {; l& s5 W6 ]也不问我是否喜欢你,
# Z0 a4 i- I: @4 ]( X对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.; G0 e3 O" D) u+ b7 d
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
, s: b) G' r  j2 T/ w9 _$ f3 ?3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
- R( L2 F  Z$ _( K- y" i心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil: R) }" S* M% k6 a& d
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
& a- z0 y. Q: v! Y& j% l$ D你的身影已化成一种氛围,! G% f* X9 N- g3 A2 |: u! ^2 F
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.: |, _, _, t/ K, L, N8 d
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! ' _  L% T, D) M  p0 O, K5 L3 x
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
' d4 D* p8 V. p8 |, i7 U哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,5 F" n) B) l- _) q; n0 {
一种声音,and your voice
: P6 t* e6 R. F也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.1 {' T3 n3 Q& `3 A/ P) Y3 ?2 L" `
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
* S7 J  k5 P7 r7 s, s& L, k与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land3 Z2 L) V$ G! @8 @
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
/ {( T$ y# b2 I倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
) B1 c8 P( T. o; \, c- S& [纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
4 {5 q8 j0 R. R" R' O你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss' i) {; D. {5 U5 k
有一个能够让思念的人,
. N  `# F0 t; l9 _' g% t  |其实也是一种幸福。
" e, E' V2 t- P0 q* B; e& R$ y尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
. l1 `* r# r" G柔柔的海风," e+ i) b" K3 B" [5 A% b% }
甜甜的夏天。0 v7 A( a* }" j% @# ^9 j
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
) ]% L: }4 N8 O. E9 N2 V7 G只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.! z" J7 w' V. R; J$ p
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.# P8 ?* W8 l& _+ {+ N
想和你有共同的情结,: t" n$ r' w+ p1 y6 Q
共同的心愿。: `/ u* |6 o9 R0 A1 c
- Z* e1 ^( e9 y

/ @. @2 q  ~; h0 U" Y7 `6 `好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
* R( ]# E! a  i* t$ ?5 |/ @$ G一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
) d% t  q6 t  C* y8 w9 `. D或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film   Z( }' j: \9 I( @9 z% u1 t/ C1 V
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
" ?+ T9 W$ O! D『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?) s3 ~$ F  U8 f+ h" S4 W9 U
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
/ E% M' ?+ ^' s8 b+ c- z3 \# |5 ~+ p浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”* h+ K! G* n- ~& J
或是轻轻的一吻,
# V" K" i3 Y& Z* C& ~7 T再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』" L# z2 f" }* {* i1 z% ?! y, ~, |
就足够了. That is enough.3 Y( B) E, r6 w4 j/ s
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
1 B  }$ n7 u& V" `9 \; U( G终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
# f( c; Z) a1 x( t萌出了芽,3 X1 g3 e: k$ m3 F% h
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
" |& G. y" S5 s浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
! Q3 C5 O) v& p如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand" e% k3 ?) q  {3 l; a8 B5 r& N* A
能够牵著你的手,
7 a; P5 i5 c/ ?, Z& L" B那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.. k! m  [2 B% ~# @& W5 b
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. # O; B" ~; A1 z3 F
慢慢地细读,/ K1 F- ~. j5 U2 R/ \- N
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
! u( ?  G) D  |4 D# J# P在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
: m( ?( ^9 h/ g9 q' D6 m我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
( b  I+ N* g% v5 r就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:3 m. z/ ^" ]. I7 y; ^
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
4 H+ U9 @& c, @: N  w眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.( w$ M) W) s: p6 ]
change to:lacked$ m+ t/ A/ [( ^
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.3 y1 N& e  G/ M2 ?. d
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
7 X/ z1 ~) ^+ f+ u. V 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及3 Y7 G0 }; Y4 f8 h' F; {' w( p) T
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.) r7 w( k' ?/ R# R) G8 Q, C
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
, z% H5 w/ E  i  b该为:throughyour hands.
6 h9 g1 G3 T! @; R. q( }- V  q还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
' z0 ~4 w4 O" W7 O& \8 N, j不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
/ p4 U7 P# R+ m% {, @8 j- V- \4 M# A" j# g: m至少比我强。( J4 c2 t. x+ O3 b
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... ( t, Q8 m) a- R

! n. _& J( ~% C% _/ S' p, }这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。8 z6 l5 |* w5 e. w7 h- j
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.+ Q5 [; t# v' a
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.6 ]' g2 }$ N) }4 C
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:- D5 ]3 M# |- E" N
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
0 M: f+ v7 y/ e5 APartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.& [5 n9 F# f+ ~+ i# X. V; ^) l
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.; i3 o# {) J$ B/ _7 n9 a- F
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
( {; m- a& ?2 j% gSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
9 Y; M; f5 `+ ]' U* Y% hSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
, g3 k! e* Q) K+ PCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
! C8 S2 T  n2 a. ~' d4 M1 [like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
$ }$ M+ [; o3 h9 t2 QI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.  p& P0 l5 S1 w9 {& S- Z; v/ k
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.: g3 b  L8 L; R3 ]: V' Z0 W% O
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.) R9 L9 t$ T& S8 t
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.2 n' O9 }# t: m
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.7 j- C1 L# D6 O$ m% \- b" g
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
$ s& d" `6 P, h5 rIntoxicated then feel cold,8 a8 F% `+ ^  K( c
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
8 `1 S; g( ?4 E# d3 VI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 t# g5 B) y0 J
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
. Y/ y$ X" p% l. `( p( PWhy I am always hoodwinked!
0 p# e% b) h& r, yI have told myself many times cautiously ; x" t6 x" A# V# y+ R3 T/ X4 s$ T% G& s
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.9 y; f& j4 n9 K( D# i' A
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
  {' x3 n3 ~% KWhy can`t I take it easy?
6 s& U  b- o" ~How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!+ f! ?5 H; c% g6 _. P( t+ Z: M
When the quiet night comes) s+ G  T8 h2 l0 ~
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
+ Q2 O. _# `/ G2 J, HThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
0 ]+ f" `( k- Q$ aYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,( P# [5 ^2 Y- P. ]! g
light the dark corner in my mind.
. e2 A1 u" e8 ~  E$ RI feel a bit of cozy.
# C% X% a1 ^' o& O% h9 rThe deep attached to you in a twinkling, y/ o* G, F; C. R6 U' S
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
. t  S4 O6 `, p+ |. TI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,/ ?# M: C8 _7 [' j6 k1 ?# R
but accompanying with the time passed: d0 v0 i3 E/ M( n" P5 P
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
2 J- ^" ^' I4 aalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.% J' S/ L& ?9 |& M0 ^
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
3 o! H/ s; l1 u; }9 conly feel gracious for your existing,; @9 u5 m4 g1 o+ P& \2 a1 ]- w: i
onlt want to do something for you.
' e7 W2 l# D* s  n0 G4 \9 o' L! XEvery time when you meet me: [- i* _) v* l) y8 C
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,' H% M: Z4 @( ^2 U/ n: G9 r" K" V; @: Z
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere. b1 j( F& ]6 K
That live in my heart.
8 Q9 t$ E" _5 ?3 V' z; c0 IDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
% m7 u& h* t9 F% E/ n" [5 `' \5 p" WEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice+ \, t; q/ l2 E) e/ ]7 \" |3 u
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.! w! }, d4 v& @7 h; f' d5 \
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
+ u9 O! X' {# ~) {suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.0 Z6 |+ A' W. s
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss," L; j% ]7 M# x' K( F
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.& U, \5 v& L. I; e) S" A
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
, ?! {* M6 J# ~* o1 s- k* monly waiting for you quietly# v7 ~+ w, i* q0 M6 R8 g
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
# `* }: z( V; N% gI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
. n9 |8 A  L9 \! p! w8 d5 band enjoy the rain washing together
1 l' u* I- y7 c) O- Q4 uor rush to a film  z, h) D* X, a8 K) _
or listen to a music quietly.
1 c. A  o! ^4 @* A1 TWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?& @0 r$ C* @; c
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
: t$ W- U& j- u8 Asmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".' v0 d5 [4 e* R9 |0 d# S/ J$ g1 H5 @
That is enough.- y9 [) S1 k9 S) L1 I$ x* J
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,0 s1 N0 ~/ }/ U# ?& Q
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
2 e$ k4 x9 J) K) M4 k: Dthe same as my missing.  D9 J4 v( e7 ]5 V5 J2 J
It comes a little bit of verdure.- ^% q: @# a, }% I$ |
If, If some day I can touch your hand, & L- s2 t3 v% {6 C; Z$ ]5 A  {& m
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
. j. u1 _* a4 A, X: r% s  H  kLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
3 A( R5 i& L: w. H2 U3 TI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
+ {* Z! U: p! H9 ~8 s5 aAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,) H0 s! {( B  K2 B5 O' H
then I will have all care and ardor.
  |* `0 s$ E  o. H. n  \" MShall we walk arm in arm?) I! I) l/ z; H, ^% e! h
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.4 U& |1 Y" Q: Y4 `6 J8 q
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
" t% [  K- ]9 ]I am still the same person of yesterday.
0 j1 r) H' e5 p. D! {Unchanged name, unchanged I.
1 t% }' ~  L4 @7 ~Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
' B" j3 n/ H. m- P* t" G/ w# NLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.$ u% S6 L/ C" W+ l  y# n  ?
More or less,# o+ p/ c' T) u) Y* v) C
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
! ~7 {  C! c% }7 i' R) q  [" k3 R
8 v, x& X2 {3 {) ^! fSummer easily slips away2 o* b' Z! _8 I0 v/ G4 P
Those long lost hot nights1 q1 C9 p4 _! i0 R0 k6 c
can only be found in the old days.
" q7 a% E! R0 e. y$ T. ]7 O% P; V/ y) `+ h
Cats jumping over the window sills, / o* {2 b# l% V
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 $ K4 y' e4 K2 f* p& |) l- ]  ~
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.6 L' s( n/ O5 z& \1 U( _' D
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& X& |9 K3 q# ?5 n  y: c( v
I am still the same person of yesterday.
6 M5 J! \) F8 O4 V0 u3 |Unchanged name, unchange ...
/ `3 H+ a7 n5 Z( K4 u: i9 B' F
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ' o3 V4 ~6 i, q$ j. o
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.& c# e6 S- s/ S' p
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
) p/ [- H1 E" ?$ B$ b8 FI am still the same person of yesterday.9 I( x3 R) u' S5 j- q
Unchanged name, unchange ...

/ f4 d. y# q: H2 f* W% e# x0 k1 |) J2 xi like it.
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