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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
/ }/ n6 I1 b# S3 I; S. t' ],.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
5 U* _6 Y/ o' ?$ c零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
4 ]) [) ~5 _5 Q0 p现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
! M- K  [  z1 c& N5 K/ c7 i梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
) r: i, l9 m$ q( F3 i眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
+ B6 Z5 o7 D6 H" g夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
0 l! H3 V! @* O6 q7 `5 T猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
; d$ b6 W2 F9 P9 G5 i: r就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
! y1 `5 ]/ z1 o* _* s我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" n7 C0 p5 i9 s% \2 G那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。! I6 u! f" T6 U1 S) |' Z* X; {
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.5 U" R* S$ y  R( l& u2 a
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.% @2 R! r3 [* Y9 A- x
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.7 S$ q% N, H+ U
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
7 u% C9 x- ]4 [0 F5 S4 k# y寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?. X8 F* d8 Y" s8 w. O# R$ I( z- U
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
( j- L' Z) a- ]7 d; B5 f迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
; C" |* Q: B) T5 z) _0 {最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, |% A9 e) O: b" n  F: c1 c多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?: A9 L# ^# }& J0 \
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
  C) F( I) D% B" w9 \- |多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously* h0 T6 z  X, @1 B* F
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
; I$ L2 k* ~" |6 n. M% t! n多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
' m) L( S5 k3 ~; c. Y为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
- I$ ~' I; I% s# |多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!- |( m' s1 {4 _5 }1 Y
永难平息的泪( ?0 O5 v" G+ o) y0 p) v  \
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes5 \3 Y) g0 z% Q+ S
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
7 d+ G  j) W  d, w3 t当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.: l$ ?/ G) C- ~# M6 |6 M) K
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,( W" y5 E6 k" z  g
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
$ ^  V" }) K# U, d0 [* M$ g一抹微笑;! E6 A4 O) ]% Q4 ]
一个手势;* K7 s% `1 o; @' g
一片话语,
6 _/ F) n1 y6 b愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
/ a1 e) d7 {: |" X& F& c+ c8 e* m明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
7 s* F. A! q3 v* D4 @/ r心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy." c( D7 ^* p- e0 c" G4 f$ X# n4 i
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
! [8 t1 b& w7 k$ O也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
+ T& m, L4 }  L$ {3 ?起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,8 h- Q4 I5 Y% v/ i
我并不以为然。
1 z- f1 o' \1 ?可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed ( q% a5 g9 x7 @5 L
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
( a( [* C' D* B) Q0 H" z8 @: ~被一种情绪所左右,
. B( Q0 u* [- V, L0 h+ F总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
4 I* B/ C! R) p+ }即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
& y4 u9 b$ b; v1 g也不问我是否喜欢你,
; [6 W4 }0 I+ Q对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.3 A9 X) `" Y5 d
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you: t1 B, \9 I! Z9 f
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
- z3 ^; x2 e0 r) }. g& O2 D3 z心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil, r2 G! q. G- r% V0 {  D
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere % ^. x) H# R  J2 m: i7 ]
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
7 u; {% i4 A3 Y记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.* A. y9 \5 d$ t' M: v$ e) U
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! . F( V3 U! p) n$ M; _
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
* y  B  r% E4 P* M哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
3 Z" z: D5 |  r& u3 W0 n一种声音,and your voice9 R$ l( _! |) H+ ~+ [( L3 |) D
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.1 p, i- J3 h" I% o% T1 o
掺杂著幸福的感觉。% W/ D& e1 ~  f; y
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
  @! l- j/ [- E3 h象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
; b5 M# u  k9 @4 V" S' z% w, e倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
4 c  K- t2 g: p- ]纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
& B1 U( t/ Y, R0 j4 T你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
6 _1 G: `+ B# {' W4 J有一个能够让思念的人,
9 }# n$ e/ @! }其实也是一种幸福。# w1 M( ?6 Q6 [, ~& G5 P* u
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
1 \1 [( p  E! \# ^% L柔柔的海风,/ k9 B: b; O1 H% W3 [; D! K
甜甜的夏天。
/ F! R9 |6 S% i& O一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
5 |7 x- ~: j" }" f; ~只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
- S& Q: G9 z- @8 M+ A8 x仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
$ J. v4 x0 A7 [- o+ B' s& M想和你有共同的情结,7 z1 Y8 ^+ j% b% d0 F% `. ^' B9 _
共同的心愿。
. m9 n% H) d! K% s: x
2 ^, I) M* B- Q- A* m1 Q- p0 @$ h( \: R
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
& z: H; @8 W/ J一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together/ Q3 ~/ U1 `4 ]" y* `; u
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film , y0 [$ g6 J$ }) B3 D" K3 {! U# k
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
  ^0 T' u, r" L* Q8 u8 ~: D『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
3 z2 |- @7 b# L: ^$ o我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
1 X6 Z( V4 M6 Q& S浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”# Q8 E* k( O$ @8 T5 A4 o* l* C
或是轻轻的一吻,
5 {1 p" n  V: D再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
1 X+ t3 t! R, ]就足够了. That is enough.
& o! y4 z1 Q4 E# \3 O& l, W7 p/ H5 b这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! . C$ y8 j& A" b0 L& ^1 n4 M
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
8 |  p% h6 U7 ?3 H9 `+ h7 [1 [萌出了芽,
% ]6 j$ K/ B! D. R. l一如对你的思念,the same as my missing8 U, X0 k+ s8 @4 Z5 Q
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 u: ^9 j2 V# o5 P( I, |如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand2 c0 b% y( U' G- o. e- y* b
能够牵著你的手,
& C9 V/ k9 H' k. t0 ~那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
' J* ]+ k; _( Z3 P  z让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. - n& ?1 o0 {7 I9 _: v) [0 x4 P
慢慢地细读,' [" L0 ?. {6 A2 L6 R
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
" c5 n+ d( B; B1 w6 P在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 1 y4 ?3 B  L4 W2 ]" _. D6 e
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor " `' I! a- f1 \
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:' o2 X1 U/ j: b: m- K3 [
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago5 h  o5 Z; w* Q$ O. ^) x
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
! ]$ R0 ^0 Y, J# r, D. Q8 _0 P/ Echange to:lacked; [7 ~0 B8 ?$ _' v& S; @
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.6 {# G: d" p& u1 {) w
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
+ `; K( U% }3 A6 | 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
9 v6 G, t+ {3 t: C* u  q8 m6 W1 f/ ^改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
) R% W; X% [) M6 ~& \4 I8 A: n6 rI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
9 ?, K  a3 M4 E, ]& R% b, i该为:throughyour hands.
, P1 z5 z7 a1 s. z, C还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。3 L9 v8 S+ O# H! I* k% ?0 i8 E
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。/ s# R& f$ v* m
至少比我强。4 N0 E+ l6 T3 T( e6 ]' M$ {
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
' @, \2 m- `( q' ^' T% p0 K9 L
! j) |. F- R' w& Q) o- [. P这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。9 J# s2 u4 g& e6 I& D" G# ]
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
% _/ m* v9 j$ S; @6 J1 O7 C! T谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
. ]. G, T5 M8 }4 @, E/ {* t6 c& C前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
( D! d( E$ N& }8 V/ aEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.( n3 R9 ^( w! j' e2 y# q! I
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.% \, S) k; N2 l% `
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
* i9 h, M" G5 z, V+ mThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
/ ^# a, a6 u7 h6 f9 m  z( J) k. ~Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.% H. \$ Q5 s. S- @  S2 v6 `
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
: y) _' Y7 u& E$ {4 p/ GCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
3 g6 A7 k' B8 I: hlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.+ z. M2 a3 p& f, D, R% u5 v2 `
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
6 @# O& L3 l$ [$ tThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.' D* i, f9 H/ x5 X& K3 C6 z# q
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
: @" W/ d. _: [3 w2 d5 qI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
! D) q5 `! c, W0 p9 WI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
0 i5 _9 U! O7 z; b8 ^; MIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
! Z$ z6 `- c( g6 lIntoxicated then feel cold,
' B$ U! e' \! Y% h# t# K3 t) lthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
! y# T* O! |5 eI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
: y6 G% E+ p* e& I. V# \The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?6 N& |9 ?( u% |7 r  z3 g
Why I am always hoodwinked!  b% [) @9 ^( l- q, N
I have told myself many times cautiously / V5 {8 v* m( [
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
1 i- k) h- t7 hThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.$ a2 R$ h- f9 s/ a# O
Why can`t I take it easy?( E, [4 W* H- j% K
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
3 Y: ]1 A0 o0 DWhen the quiet night comes/ p7 ~6 U; P( v# c0 P
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes., a) Q3 k' J8 w0 h& V" t( `& h
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably." v5 f# ]: z3 v* ~
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
1 E8 U$ Y- D7 `" x- ~light the dark corner in my mind.( Q2 @( S* C) G; }( [" {& Q3 n6 A
I feel a bit of cozy.. C! P" J1 F0 G. |- y% l/ D1 D
The deep attached to you in a twinkling! q( R! i" Z+ F9 ]0 T) Q2 D5 Q
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.% a4 _' ~% O1 y% W
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,/ \" V; N$ }. l6 i3 t0 f" T( M2 Y) p
but accompanying with the time passed
0 w3 D* i1 o# O$ a0 Q1 EI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,, b+ j+ }' u* C. ]* Y: b
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
5 [3 l8 Q" a' [" Q/ S+ J+ ~9 wWithout asking if you like me or if I like you$ |0 |$ B9 w9 P8 t
only feel gracious for your existing,1 o% l# q% i* B( c% D
onlt want to do something for you.9 g) U# H; S" [2 X0 ~. t( a% {0 N3 O
Every time when you meet me2 X5 l* z; e  w! b
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,$ y1 F3 s4 @; `7 l5 |9 N
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
. K- B2 r: N  n6 rThat live in my heart.! G' @; r# B+ a- P+ z
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?/ N& L) z: J% X  S( U. q
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice: F+ l5 Q# l6 [( h+ U# \6 O
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
1 }  b3 s! y0 i, cThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land. \& Y% S! N) ?; Y1 ^9 b
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you., M$ A& I; L. s) l9 q6 E7 w1 w
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,% I! d, U6 k; Y2 ?/ A4 a
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
& i# {8 E( k+ F$ ]Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ; ~9 f' n- g- P! A' w- w2 m
only waiting for you quietly- W8 N; z" k  e4 |& y
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
! t6 i' M5 ~' g( ZI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
8 y0 }$ e8 P3 Q% v6 eand enjoy the rain washing together: c9 b1 ?" \& ~7 C( X
or rush to a film
; N- F$ M$ I1 [- Tor listen to a music quietly.
$ ~' l# z* i5 m- FWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?/ ]- |+ y; S3 i2 m2 N
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,+ t9 [5 C' o/ X4 b1 l- C
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
. O1 M# [$ `( G2 l/ aThat is enough.1 e4 l$ m$ K% Q/ b4 L8 I
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
0 K1 o6 f' n6 t/ Gfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,6 X; \8 f3 K! L# q5 f$ n! n
the same as my missing.
8 h" Z" v- ?' m3 b0 YIt comes a little bit of verdure.
' s) I/ w) ~* _) v: T: y' rIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
8 u8 d4 v) U5 h5 c/ f8 Zthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.3 N' }* {4 H7 K" c
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.3 d  A/ Z  B. ^) J8 o
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul./ w$ Q3 i9 W: T3 i5 p; l& J
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,0 g) y/ O3 z+ w. U4 y' u1 f2 z1 Q
then I will have all care and ardor.2 v+ y  G' z8 Y- R$ ]/ `5 z
Shall we walk arm in arm?+ E6 _6 N5 o* o5 i+ F9 X5 z1 g; u8 [
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
. B$ e5 |4 O5 b; [! X/ f& ^* bLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
1 c8 n9 T) f- k9 {I am still the same person of yesterday.
4 s1 m/ Z/ @8 c$ @% R. U: nUnchanged name, unchanged I." ]0 L5 r0 Z. w% i2 F2 v: x
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. % u# k! n; t& p
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
# ]6 {5 t/ i  E7 aMore or less,0 `3 }$ k( d5 o8 t+ b/ L
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
3 f+ ]+ g" l5 L. d! w; l& V+ N' R" y) M
Summer easily slips away7 t3 `# t/ j4 r( N. U
Those long lost hot nights  F  H/ x  i. _* F- Q
can only be found in the old days.
! _  t/ x' q) T! z; e9 z: f- `$ O, E) ?+ A# B7 d8 [* M
Cats jumping over the window sills,
. g$ r; _+ M3 z6 Tchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 , Y& x) T1 q# u' }! G! t
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
( o, [5 S' o5 B; C2 k+ _Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.- \/ E" P2 _7 x; a" @
I am still the same person of yesterday.
2 O( I; W' \1 p. e/ K3 zUnchanged name, unchange ...

/ A5 o/ l, d: _6 B- M
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
9 Y! L0 A- a: b# gGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.) n( i, E3 n$ R) ^5 j, u
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
3 ~4 k" L" T5 h% K- }2 bI am still the same person of yesterday./ F5 z. r' r- q. k
Unchanged name, unchange ...

) e3 _7 l3 F6 h, ~, ^0 ri like it.
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