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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
# U. x0 q. X. T3 O2 `9 |,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ( y6 Q, z6 N! J, N# L6 r+ F5 {
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . : f6 z* {* G4 t* y. g
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.' s; V' B' k1 X8 H7 V4 G# r: M
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
& D! b$ F$ f0 J9 b' d( L% l眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
8 Y1 p" _- H4 _6 K夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.& e- l8 x8 F( r# Z5 V' n
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
) T* F7 ], o4 }就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
( A5 k4 o6 F/ a我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及, b, S6 n6 A4 @% M
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。5 ?3 w! o+ L9 |0 ?# @: B0 I
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
' [3 I8 x: R8 b2 [) s, x昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
7 ?3 a5 r+ Y( t想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
) }4 `8 b/ z5 z; \% A最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. , Z9 c/ y2 h/ s  F
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?6 a9 u  g( r: f4 {8 K
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
, |' U: n% B; \* h迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.9 f6 ?' m9 ]$ e
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
" M. z! i8 N; c; _9 |; \0 i多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?# h% X6 l& A" \6 m# G3 O2 y9 L
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….# G: i) l0 M- G- T0 x
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously* n) G3 z, Z7 r5 e
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
3 a: O0 c1 C9 ^多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, + e, a! z- K5 G  j) C
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?9 Y1 N/ G3 t* X! o& q8 t) t
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
9 E1 H! R4 N) ]  u& N' U: O永难平息的泪& g) r1 d7 O8 f1 `" s- r
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes( u7 p0 f* l% ]& {
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.2 d6 s: n2 M$ ?, o
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.2 u) P0 L, A+ B; \: I9 a. _
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
& i: X7 w+ a  J$ X  s你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul # u. l" r& w) O3 |
一抹微笑;9 h" i) J1 S% |- T8 n  v( n
一个手势;0 k' i( c4 d4 W$ U8 E% |8 l5 n
一片话语,0 G' ~) B- c: ?, J
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、3 J; g% w4 h, n! O& s- ?
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner  ~) B' S8 c8 J. a3 ~: _0 t
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
% i' ~% u$ t# G1 _1 w这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
0 `) R6 k" z) A, N3 h/ r也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..5 {1 m2 e4 h6 i# C+ j  q& V9 q! M
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,/ I% ]. y2 c1 Y, P
我并不以为然。
2 m7 U: v; h* ^$ A可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed . T! Y1 _$ w6 Q4 l
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
& x1 K2 c/ _* C( B) l9 P被一种情绪所左右,
8 T* v' p* b1 L总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly ./ x/ C" O. y+ b# u# B; ?2 U
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
, K4 D: w7 s3 A1 F0 x也不问我是否喜欢你,
0 V+ c7 a+ ~5 e0 C! E9 W  @对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
$ K+ j3 p( T' {! y/ Y% Z$ J只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you2 t4 c& k, O5 p
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
& n  x6 J& w8 _) x) P$ v" y: o心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil6 c( z4 V0 L6 E9 J1 H( H
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% s8 a; A1 l, r4 ?( e你的身影已化成一种氛围,0 ]5 @9 V8 \- Z% j- k* M$ t
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart." ~! ?! w& ?5 @3 R
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 4 Q& ?0 i/ i8 T% j
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字, O# S  u; l7 x7 ^
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,3 @7 l8 T$ w# |
一种声音,and your voice
: l/ f4 q1 _9 x' o' P0 m也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
* T# i2 ~+ ~& R掺杂著幸福的感觉。( b; k5 b9 p' G9 _' R- {& A# B
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
$ d5 }4 b1 ?  {8 B象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
1 [. N) S+ ^( a$ x/ }; E9 _4 v3 ]倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
! a( m% P7 w# r+ h纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。& f! C( H: U, i
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
* M" R& r: R0 e6 F9 D6 [) |有一个能够让思念的人,9 O6 B% u6 }+ F7 y& S+ D9 B
其实也是一种幸福。
; T6 C* u6 `8 c1 c尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
+ T6 E, b5 z7 k/ m4 ?7 y柔柔的海风,/ B3 z/ b# t; H! l. y, ^
甜甜的夏天。4 b/ O. n1 s: d# P; Q+ P
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ( s2 ~; T3 _5 u  ^9 T. W& {& [
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
9 A3 u! n% W% ?& a* G1 k+ m. h8 E8 I4 H仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
/ c% `- e. [; x0 f, g4 [0 d3 U想和你有共同的情结,8 H) i% ]4 I/ `3 q
共同的心愿。
$ I  h/ N- ]; b; H! a7 w' a9 F7 v8 ~( E3 z
/ x7 D" j" l9 ~0 ]) f+ h9 P
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you9 u3 X" T$ g0 r8 W' a
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together$ c+ ~6 x/ e$ c$ c
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ! x6 ?. V0 d# _1 x7 q
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly./ z, S! Q( [# k
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
# z" U" m. o: H- j2 F) S' h我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
! q. e# d/ o" a5 o浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
1 X# \9 f( f; y+ X; C8 f: [6 ?6 t或是轻轻的一吻,# k) V$ q, T1 C+ n* {
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
+ F# A6 H1 x6 g4 K4 {" f1 `4 T就足够了. That is enough.
  i8 m) l3 b# \# h; d这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
- Q( m% A* `; [6 y% T8 z终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
: D! v2 ^. J, v/ h* B# C7 I5 O; y萌出了芽,
2 m: N+ K* m; g) X! {. G) s一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
# L0 \; J1 I# Q( ?3 |. s浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.8 c$ M/ u" K1 A% F" p; W
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
/ K! p$ c/ h0 l能够牵著你的手,4 r  E4 T2 R. `/ z3 C6 D( C
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.) T4 w" P. g9 ]! ~  A* S  n
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
& ?  Y% G8 V1 a( D( O3 F% i3 M  k慢慢地细读,3 u& e, ~( s$ e& z
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. & t5 O# H6 l# Y! Z" g
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
$ j( s! c+ t& s7 e我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ; K1 R5 ~4 Z' m9 ^1 m; E6 @7 Q8 t* _9 ?
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:8 x$ v8 y% U; _* Y
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
. i0 B6 {9 @0 A/ ?8 f眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something., A( E* {4 P' t  f# F/ {+ C9 l9 z5 ~
change to:lacked8 [6 d1 M2 B6 h
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
4 D9 S& P% i  {7 w% ]7 p  q. FCats often played at the whole hot night.
' D7 z' j$ X* ^8 a7 J' o. N 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
. G8 I( b3 \3 Q8 K+ a改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
6 o. Z0 |( t3 j. A0 `1 W4 TI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 2 z( q  k; }$ @, P/ N
该为:throughyour hands." R" T$ \# P( Z' M2 @# |; y" h
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
0 f* |. [3 Q+ l# W3 z不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
' Z9 u+ \# z2 ]' n& S至少比我强。* t- A: @8 Y* @$ F
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
0 a& r" T  T$ I& d
# A: E# U. {* x; Q这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
/ w# j; o' J7 Z+ f后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.- v  [) i. v9 Z  u' D+ v$ o" m" {
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
; t, c' w( o  r) c% z' L前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:! p. z; A2 i2 s; G2 `& y' X5 z0 I
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry./ ~( g0 q5 B+ c6 G5 a( C1 F" s- \
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
0 \  L) p0 l$ [  E Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
9 S# b7 k1 t7 a* L- DThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.3 K9 i3 M- s& X8 g! \
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something." H3 S/ t1 s* {
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:8 s( Y* f: ~) a  t; m6 g2 r; ]
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ! ]" n- J+ R( L* z# B& Y( n4 L! {
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.# k3 M3 @0 G0 w7 h
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.; C1 U% i: a% W& }: I4 [' m7 d& y
The emotion and the carma only is a dream." C$ x# P  i1 z* J- ?# k: C
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
1 U8 z; A! c9 n4 lI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
+ k9 T6 m' h; @( \& |I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.8 P$ x8 y/ ^6 c* l% s9 Y  s9 M
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
2 n; M& h& \0 R- h! _4 `% S* xIntoxicated then feel cold,
# O- t) \5 ?3 s) {. F5 Cthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.4 G: W; o0 \' H; ]
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.8 w6 W) H- N8 W0 F6 t! p
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
) s* x# \* w8 `& o8 j) K2 JWhy I am always hoodwinked!# L/ t/ x1 N+ G1 }$ V4 G: ?0 L
I have told myself many times cautiously : o% {0 f9 f  z: U* [2 M
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig./ F# w" z- L% r
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
) Q6 ^! D- F! H# mWhy can`t I take it easy?5 [( z' p# L0 T/ g% i2 a
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
" k! d/ C: i+ T' V' f6 B6 M# sWhen the quiet night comes
+ Y# s5 Q: x( y% n3 Yyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
2 K3 G$ z9 W% \The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.1 X- l9 Q* Z) H3 q: I
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
6 c6 e8 h* g; c& slight the dark corner in my mind.
  i1 _# ?( Q) o0 w2 f3 w4 x3 aI feel a bit of cozy.! l  i7 M$ W/ }( \7 h2 o: @1 i0 i
The deep attached to you in a twinkling5 K( ?- P/ w4 j% {
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
' F+ @" }- t+ ?9 T8 I1 {I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
/ S7 @" j! y# v7 H9 `but accompanying with the time passed/ ]# k- p( F) |- l3 V) k, Z/ N
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
$ L$ E* n) P& V; A* D8 u3 z! {* halways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.0 j; Z5 a& @5 O8 |) B
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
* k4 E1 B- y( I, `' R/ z& fonly feel gracious for your existing,
% t' Z+ U1 c( |! Nonlt want to do something for you.8 H' x  r* N2 A
Every time when you meet me* _, x# H. s9 m1 W  r' @
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,) P2 T, j3 o! g
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere  c! H5 R( s9 M3 X
That live in my heart.) K) [# B0 Y& A7 i) }
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
, S( L! b' u* `1 V% REven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
" P3 z7 O) B8 f) f( e. B% ]make me gently distraught with happy feeling.  `: ~- U! H  t
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
# O  C- p* F" z. q; M; h& [: a# |! j0 Lsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
9 c0 O, r6 F; _7 V" f/ p0 DDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
* P) j" e: K. }% p1 oespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
8 x; h4 E# H# [  w! YSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
+ |' V6 l" @& H, _5 P+ U  A/ wonly waiting for you quietly3 y& z( Y2 c5 F8 P3 H& `
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
  H0 T: J" C/ p1 t- \I really want to ramble in the small rain with you 7 x- ~2 Y) _$ ~  B
and enjoy the rain washing together
4 }8 x9 ^7 {: |or rush to a film& l$ D; A5 K% v4 H# q0 g7 {7 k- z
or listen to a music quietly.! r2 c8 t* V( m
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
6 ?# d' Y+ p* Z2 h8 d% pIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,4 Z) ^. S/ z3 U$ R" [& [- J% |/ v
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
. Y$ A7 F* W, E; C  z6 OThat is enough.
, \: Y4 u6 n6 f* L: K. w' }3 u8 bMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,8 J8 t4 Q& j0 o5 M2 V& s. n
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
6 |8 v; e. s6 g3 H" h) jthe same as my missing.# m8 k8 L( O0 F
It comes a little bit of verdure., g( L7 j  d8 R$ t$ E1 O7 i
If, If some day I can touch your hand, ' k$ t9 l0 B" k5 n9 W! Z. {
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.. \6 q/ L  N, I+ @1 i
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
" o( [1 @9 j, ?1 T3 i$ i$ aI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.2 Y% }9 L3 m  i1 Y7 i/ }- M: b
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
  g2 @, Q' O6 C4 x: C: J$ bthen I will have all care and ardor.
! c' H! y) E2 E$ ?1 p* W6 NShall we walk arm in arm?
% U1 {* M9 o! R; W7 g# t; b呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.2 |, Y2 l- Q3 ~2 {6 J
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
: ?6 F6 L; [2 qI am still the same person of yesterday.
& I2 T7 `. d; ~. @. DUnchanged name, unchanged I.
. R8 }+ K4 {1 \: h6 w3 K4 E0 fSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
" y) ]3 b' L1 y$ A+ z- @; w5 JLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.2 m" [2 n" F, O, V9 t% k9 ]2 k( x
More or less,
* v- x: m! E" x( F) j a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
7 W9 J' P9 G5 i
' {' {4 x- w& F: H; j. {Summer easily slips away) h7 n9 o, n! B- G
Those long lost hot nights
9 N2 N( Y/ \( J; ? can only be found in the old days. / `2 x7 ^, J! `. i

+ \) `6 U% O- c$ P/ @4 i3 _8 ZCats jumping over the window sills, % W( V8 A- x' g, l
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 / {& O+ u8 _0 Z+ F
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.8 x$ H- e5 P6 ~0 i5 [
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.0 ~0 R4 o/ O; U# X4 o9 L, Z
I am still the same person of yesterday.% D/ ~7 j; H6 d9 L( W" H0 N
Unchanged name, unchange ...

5 ~9 F9 ?& j) [! {. R8 W6 }) ?4 C
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 , z4 a& Q8 x# e6 u
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 V, @$ K5 B7 M/ w% xLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.2 l0 i$ x9 i- j/ U. ~
I am still the same person of yesterday.  v+ p7 o, I: P( S" }1 ~  t4 N* q
Unchanged name, unchange ...
; W" m" j4 ^6 F+ x5 f$ d
i like it.
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