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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,5 t( v9 F/ E/ q( `+ B5 w
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
+ k# o; P! K$ p4 n' a, O零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
) f1 O# O0 w0 b2 T+ r现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
# G- n3 K7 \% g! D梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking., p" n; B5 c, f$ S
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.& J# w6 l0 K0 `
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
% |( ~  z& x/ \9 N6 t猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.: s  ?" w3 b6 R6 @: u. q( H+ d
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
" y% S- |( B+ Z+ ^" C- I我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
  n) T+ q; T' T" I- M! W( J: Z7 [那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。5 M* x9 L! U+ T# c
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.8 v5 B0 b0 g  @- K
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
& r9 U1 [& S. d. M' y$ u想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.; L: d3 E7 w5 W) x
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 4 G% X( C5 V$ M- C9 z- l
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
1 q0 \0 a: b( W. ~. g5 h醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
+ S2 D$ D; Y& s& ~迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.- W" [# F& M) ?
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
3 c. U- R1 D4 F6 H3 A: m, k( d多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
# ~% m5 i+ }' t% U# oWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….0 Y4 @6 u2 T! m
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
/ ?$ x: h0 `# Z& q& H* T不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
4 n+ k! z7 u% @! Z3 a多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, " i+ j( k% i# p4 ]) ^2 j9 l/ {$ h! ]
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
! i. B2 S' [7 z2 P# i多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!  M+ O1 Q  j' q* z4 A( Y
永难平息的泪" _, t1 U* n2 A3 D- S
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes: X: Q2 f( c. k2 v+ L# V$ x& b$ ]
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
. j7 V3 l) y( _) B. N当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
& O1 I2 u! l: G让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
) S+ i6 I1 V! d) M4 i/ S你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul / m( x7 Q" d* v' v9 R) q- t/ F. a
一抹微笑;
0 o& u/ C+ p% Y3 V$ ?" g+ C一个手势;
# h# [$ j0 `! }7 w* V一片话语,- ~9 ?( w0 r: V6 V# K
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、1 V/ I& X2 a1 o$ S. b
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner9 D8 J# a# K3 L, |- u' C
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
  Z; R; j; ^: d% d0 s这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling; z6 m  c: o2 B& ~3 c, p
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..7 d2 r$ [+ K1 s* K+ x% h7 t) j
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,- I1 h" S: V5 u" C1 n
我并不以为然。
4 z" F2 C* M6 c可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 5 t9 \3 F$ n2 b3 u: \* o9 T: Q) N
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .1 n" b$ U3 e9 _" M& R" [: s( E
被一种情绪所左右,' z2 v" ^  t, _! B
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .5 ~. N0 g, _+ b# q) y! k) C/ ~
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
- v6 \) u7 y0 D也不问我是否喜欢你,
0 n8 f/ G. F+ E6 c9 s7 A对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
7 E; n4 o/ T" V6 @9 s, P只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
2 `* n) p# j4 g1 B3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
9 f6 U* u+ m0 e心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil$ H/ y$ V+ e% Q( V) M% P, n0 F
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere - t6 K8 S9 {; G+ j- f1 W0 V- I) m
你的身影已化成一种氛围,& g( u& i& m2 o/ C% D
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
, w; M8 E' s. f4 H/ x; p你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
; h% R  a" Z$ U( z1 J+ T随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
) I+ L& d& S6 S! H- ]哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
+ B! Y( A, Y6 R8 f6 b, D  E. C一种声音,and your voice, E4 }- c2 Z! W, j" f
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.# D" g7 E' B. |  [5 O# I7 g
掺杂著幸福的感觉。+ R/ L+ @, D; d! A$ V! a
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
+ v, z! U4 f) B象雪花般撒落在我的心田,4 s: T& J2 p# n+ C1 n. w* _- @
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
  K1 {; ?5 B$ |7 _8 Z纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。+ G& O( I$ [! f1 L4 A; V
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
8 e  D) w$ M! d% t( R有一个能够让思念的人,
. j! d; |4 E* H/ A其实也是一种幸福。
  a1 K! r/ C: X1 S尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
$ Z6 ?; {3 }2 R) z' K柔柔的海风,
( k& B$ T, m5 R& g6 n1 c1 p甜甜的夏天。4 R" N* Y$ a( l' J
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy $ T5 p  Y- l* H/ y8 \4 W
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
5 {3 V0 _6 [/ n; c/ P1 {& l; M# z仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
" q7 @( E' h/ L想和你有共同的情结,
0 V  `7 i; R- B  k共同的心愿。
% S4 s* _" l" Q/ d& z
  r1 P% _. e0 K1 v
: v. z& X; a3 p+ X  f* k好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
8 `% h/ i* w4 A$ C一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together# @) f) X! g# A. k- a: e
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ( I. ^& }9 W7 Y6 ?0 E- R3 T1 Q9 t
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.: K+ T& a' A9 m7 k+ u
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?: o! {: g$ L$ f! B
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
6 t0 Z0 f- ?# f# |4 F浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
: P* N7 m7 g1 Z3 s+ }或是轻轻的一吻,$ P1 e: O  }( l# t
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
% i4 V/ w2 |. W3 J就足够了. That is enough.' l, I9 e0 G9 Z/ n% s5 V2 O! ]& G4 I
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ) l' V8 N' }* n; h  O: _- t
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.9 Y6 y; \2 y/ o7 M3 T
萌出了芽,
  n- f7 J- z, a8 x" W! O一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
8 O- J% l8 r/ ~" T浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
- T- u* C. ]/ y" u7 \1 p  z如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand* }; ^2 w: |- Z/ f, t
能够牵著你的手,- P9 z' x5 M0 v. @; U/ f9 ^, J
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.- D* W" O1 R) I1 y2 r0 B
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
) D. ?' h# ^9 G& c$ x0 r% D/ g& @3 h慢慢地细读,+ ~* }! @7 @( f1 U+ }* c* w
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
" W. K, D: U% k+ i9 s在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 3 O. G9 k- b: y/ M6 L
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ; o* @& E6 c' t3 X6 z! r, a7 W
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
$ F8 w2 l, Q! C0 L现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago. P0 [* g3 |! X9 U+ e* ^. b: t# \
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.. {+ T; A3 t( Q" U
change to:lacked/ ]" u. _5 ]. E0 N1 Q
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
" F& L- v2 i2 ?, g4 n: d) B( TCats often played at the whole hot night.6 V4 @/ F0 \, t* d" I7 ~
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及, G$ O0 e3 F* c: |  i' z
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer." g3 X$ `2 }6 a! Q
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. . w7 [9 o/ B0 u% |5 E8 n
该为:throughyour hands.0 y$ P3 c0 ?" H5 |8 e# m6 v7 z
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。6 T/ Q- s! D8 l+ x; Z: R
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。- J5 Z+ A% [' z, ?
至少比我强。
! u. j3 r* K& S, M2 [$ `, l偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... % x& Z  [: F! `& o& C3 P

+ u6 x; d% Y: U. V% A" `这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
0 S8 H6 @/ L8 p/ y2 K' j后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.& C" U* e' q( l! ~" g" y# @
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
/ H; P: a' u9 V! s& I5 \1 I前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
/ F- A7 c0 s& e$ D" X. T4 xEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
% {  u4 l5 z$ hPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.# ~" J# z0 ~% s# f  l; e! q2 G
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
) p7 \; U. ?' B2 A. M+ r: H1 b/ l8 L. q( bThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.4 f5 j& B' c1 @7 m% X
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.& t5 J! k) P, }: {# H% \4 p9 i
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:$ }6 v3 S% |% F6 m
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 8 H' a4 X. L. }: k% K0 Q' h8 ~
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.* _6 S; l9 n8 G; F# V8 S, Q. H2 V
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.) n6 p# r* ~8 A. D) {$ I8 A7 c
The emotion and the carma only is a dream./ P: O9 B& `3 y$ W
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
! U0 b$ b+ G2 b3 l2 d& u" I$ d! OI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
  F) ^, E% j' g9 XI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.# Q' b! m- H# n" B" m1 ^0 c
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
( K. u# x0 r7 h* A/ qIntoxicated then feel cold,
- m" S" E8 V- Lthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
# R& C: I( ?& ^/ C6 K( UI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.9 D& ^: }* |" ?# l+ [
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
2 u5 s# ^5 {# o3 WWhy I am always hoodwinked!( V2 S9 T. s. a8 H/ Z  ?
I have told myself many times cautiously 8 \2 H$ U" x" R: m" H1 J+ f& i
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
. |+ Y& }: E( n$ j# xThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.1 V! W& P) t3 q* q1 a. y, {
Why can`t I take it easy?
* f$ ]% D. N3 u$ `! @How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!& O- @4 l, Y1 s' ~. x* H
When the quiet night comes5 P$ I( c: d+ C( N' K/ O9 q
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
. C, ~1 u1 [( U( r/ d5 y% vThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
# h8 F2 y7 V4 z  g" c8 _9 p, c) CYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,  |- i+ n: X$ U5 V$ h- ~$ ?
light the dark corner in my mind./ b' K* F2 t/ {
I feel a bit of cozy.
) L' l# W7 a% o5 c. c  qThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
" W% F9 L/ ?1 Zmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.& D4 x( H9 J1 c& u% A' z
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,. L1 E4 F& Q% Z6 T; R8 E
but accompanying with the time passed
  L$ A! d8 L. N' [6 y5 z  t% l+ UI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
/ f! \$ \5 e% t4 h' Palways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.1 E& m" i+ @( a0 t
Without asking if you like me or if I like you/ `. j0 c+ F) n1 e5 Z, ]5 C- y
only feel gracious for your existing,
/ a  f8 q" v3 c& R( H+ e0 X- Honlt want to do something for you.
- @* J5 ^5 w' a3 HEvery time when you meet me! x% }! F/ ^$ ]: z& d/ t
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
3 T# b) T0 l- l8 D! u/ J0 Wbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
! u5 H7 C7 l7 b) Q" e  E' HThat live in my heart.0 b0 k' }- C4 y  x- q
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
* d% N, p; S; k' s$ x- zEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice: }' N3 L; o( {4 B: R
make me gently distraught with happy feeling." Q: V* B! g4 G3 V/ l- [3 K$ I
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
+ P; r2 l9 W/ n$ m4 P$ Msuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.6 r) j' L7 p  x8 C2 ^, G
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
5 U- m8 \" M$ `( b. J6 H& Jespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
" |+ A. ]7 n+ `" X+ }2 rSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" b0 F% T, C3 |$ b' Qonly waiting for you quietly2 j( a/ M9 _" `  n4 t
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
- `3 E  L4 ?! w2 U  P7 sI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
. P+ m* R  q2 u+ R1 ?4 b* o% iand enjoy the rain washing together
! c2 _9 U+ {& P# C" y. ~3 {or rush to a film5 A$ i6 i/ ?2 u* i7 i- J
or listen to a music quietly.
6 |( k: u1 e3 e3 n  JWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
! Q. D6 s, Y6 |9 }. zIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,5 O! z5 P, `( `8 X
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
7 K  J8 \" l5 p, k9 e  mThat is enough.8 a4 \2 Z* e* n( ^) h2 L' K
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,3 ^% U, q: d- D7 |# B
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,. X% Y6 L# O7 h- j4 e  g
the same as my missing.
, z3 o' p; {) S; s5 AIt comes a little bit of verdure.
- B2 l- N) y5 }3 }; q2 {/ W% kIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
' P# X7 O4 i: @then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.$ f1 D; ]& _# k8 j  d
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.+ b; c. i5 t: y& R/ E, z
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
% }. T! h& `7 D3 M; t- NAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,* P6 s5 O1 h4 E/ T& c
then I will have all care and ardor.
. V8 W! K& `  x& M* {. {Shall we walk arm in arm?
: U: q( n2 T' g, L. b3 Z0 S9 x  E9 x呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.7 d) k, O) A7 z6 l
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
6 U" i( q3 l0 _/ W- [/ Q* NI am still the same person of yesterday.
% B: {+ K# Z. I) n) H* Z6 qUnchanged name, unchanged I.6 V% H2 t8 @" u4 q) N2 n  S
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. # w1 S+ x! N5 _9 R
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
, \& a* ~% I' qMore or less,
8 j/ Y' z; _1 N( W a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.4 ~! \$ w" A8 @: m
+ B- }# [" O5 G
Summer easily slips away/ p( I# [9 D9 [3 t
Those long lost hot nights
3 Y& D8 J( E+ g6 F: J3 ?5 x' T  I can only be found in the old days.
8 N( U5 \3 J) c- `8 o) O3 i2 Z. W$ {  b$ K5 P4 `' `' u
Cats jumping over the window sills,
) ?: w5 C# c0 n/ nchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
. J3 T- P% f8 Q7 x4 gGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.$ `% T8 r( L- P, A  b
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.2 ~5 n; W6 I6 ?" p. ^- }
I am still the same person of yesterday.
; a1 i# `/ z: a2 `7 p7 X. G3 L+ GUnchanged name, unchange ...
/ P$ X% {0 d+ I, D, \
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
1 N9 U2 B. y' e: oGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
& Y3 f% e2 M" JLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
# I9 |: T/ r# n, k. ?1 NI am still the same person of yesterday.
$ F' B' M% ]! ]" E" I4 ~- b) [Unchanged name, unchange ...
1 P, q+ g# q7 B
i like it.
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