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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,5 K5 {' M9 n* @8 P# _
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
+ @/ }7 P5 a* ^零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
9 t4 A/ b, J/ {- {现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
. V8 g: c7 U  q" l! {梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
2 M# d( q& ]% ], r眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.$ k( `0 N+ ?4 _  M: {. _0 P8 c
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
, f% ^7 E% @$ F# I" o1 H0 G猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
8 t$ j3 r8 ]; C7 B; Q3 f2 o就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
' b' R4 @- g- C" l' Z; ^我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" l0 T2 X2 {- G9 k那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
* g8 ?- M# R& z7 X! `% _世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
- v$ P6 ?% y2 J; G, q昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.+ U: `6 p+ n' S% D
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
1 y+ X1 ]3 u: l5 `* ]最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
# A+ Y3 P& }! R2 B寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
5 n5 b5 \, Q+ W醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
3 h" Q. {! V5 y4 y迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.; }( }/ i$ ^1 F% k6 e
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
9 P: ]7 B! B; C多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
0 i+ h  F% t+ y" t' lWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
# [) d2 I8 W7 `$ S多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously+ M# P' P6 x( D4 ~& r# e" \* ?
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.% W! r% w% ~8 E' ~' q" ~' u# s
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
& w' V$ N8 f: w. h3 J为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?, G# R" u4 I0 b- l5 h
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!  r( @4 Z; }: g+ ~7 w$ p% Z
永难平息的泪8 M5 m5 n; h, U1 n2 G
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
, s9 _* `  J) f' p7 g6 Z~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
7 t: U* x! D+ }) O# h/ F( T当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
  S2 }5 R6 ?3 Y6 S0 o让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,$ d  _( p% q0 g5 E' ?* i* n
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
( ?& u, s1 Y- @: }& R& X" B一抹微笑;
* L  Z) y, G6 v! \1 ]一个手势;
8 ~3 F- e: l, [! S% B0 V6 y一片话语,- n. |0 P" F( Z8 E& ^3 s7 I( _
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、  p" s' ?- \1 N  A/ H' Z& A+ C
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
. v7 O0 R3 x/ B/ k. z9 T心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.9 A; O/ ~0 z$ t0 _: ~  E! q
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
% M( f4 R! e& n3 x也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
. @) Q% c1 e! A8 U起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,1 c/ |/ D. v4 H, [' o" X" W
我并不以为然。
  E& r; O5 g6 o6 i- {可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
& S/ B8 a& @1 w  e5 ?慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
' y' H  G, S/ ]: \6 c被一种情绪所左右,
4 j2 o0 K( }) C4 \/ K3 P, P总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
) d, m3 `' e) `/ }  h即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
5 v1 M6 H$ R$ s9 w4 z也不问我是否喜欢你,* b! {1 k) L8 M2 l9 m
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
1 z/ Q' J0 ?, i2 A只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
) s! h; Q3 p) a8 u- I2 E3 A3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you. `+ U7 A% l4 m! g
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil3 j. u; ^8 I6 t6 Y% ?2 h; W
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
- }1 q7 k% B% K  S& R8 l; A1 u1 b7 q你的身影已化成一种氛围,  c2 i( k) E7 V% B5 g% |) X- s
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.9 H% Y" t& t+ ^! s+ ]+ a
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
0 }( ?5 t, d6 A4 m  K$ o* }随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
( @  k+ B" _4 r  u哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
1 y2 O1 Q5 W. U  x  C) U! p1 X1 X一种声音,and your voice
- t% O. I- s# e& b也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
8 m0 v$ x# e: J$ C' X1 h" h掺杂著幸福的感觉。4 ~5 I- k9 S& B4 H! W
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land* F9 J1 H9 H4 N9 }/ c  M& L  N4 k
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,+ k$ y3 g, R+ I
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
5 y' Y) a2 c; c/ U纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
+ N+ i( V1 `, K1 b! N6 ?7 R你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
7 x) |% a. q6 K" x& u4 V有一个能够让思念的人,
5 n3 {: ]: d* ~# h5 W' t其实也是一种幸福。; X9 _+ V& q; e1 d8 f$ W5 T# E
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
1 M9 P" {: Q! Z, C' i9 h5 \2 A柔柔的海风,2 Z7 {$ {/ S' ^$ R
甜甜的夏天。
3 I9 o/ W% q: o一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ) j/ Z: Y1 k- _: h' Q
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.! g# R3 s; j) \! Z7 a
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.( j4 u. G8 K+ D% X2 \1 @
想和你有共同的情结,# k+ M1 X, c& p/ _
共同的心愿。2 ~3 G. M+ U. k+ \- E6 H5 y
6 }* k" a2 v3 k; r9 P
& v5 X) ^! Q/ a% c# H0 L3 t
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
% F* B) e' P$ K1 a4 H8 `/ L一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
- {' r" }8 ~9 o2 S! B: |0 q或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
1 I7 U; ~% t9 ~! @8 M7 v4 Q7 f或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
1 S( {* q) k4 Z% q『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?2 r6 L/ [  t; L; M* a
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
7 ]) X: e9 g9 n4 ?1 X) o# a浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
. z; N) [+ R5 L3 b6 K# O% T4 }或是轻轻的一吻,3 Z% `6 o" ], e$ L; s/ N3 B
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』; U" C, w7 Z; |
就足够了. That is enough.$ X! ~6 F5 F' I& o. j
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ' ^, t; S3 o6 n# c/ {  X
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
, i4 h3 z- a4 @6 [萌出了芽,% Q& V' q' ~9 V; p( J
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
) X* [% s# j5 t5 n8 p2 y# k浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.9 F* }3 q3 @8 J" n, O* i* k: B  Z% h* g
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
) G, A6 L  t9 O) ~能够牵著你的手,( l% i  K! K. r( m' s
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.- z& b: l: N0 H5 N, _3 t8 Z( w
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
$ C  C6 z" x2 p% U+ n慢慢地细读,
& B3 A: B3 m! I. L$ D4 ?2 d我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. * k# P1 |0 G5 N+ u' |: k  F
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me / C% I) e2 w7 R( N* C7 }3 j" \( @
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ! H; Q  X, |5 [. C. S; i5 E6 W
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
6 A, ]3 m* _6 e$ P现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
9 Y% L8 a" [* o& x眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
, N0 r) N& s& L4 [" ~+ wchange to:lacked
6 J4 h, u5 m5 A) }, p1 E) q! w6 Q猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
4 j- }" v7 _) d5 C) {& kCats often played at the whole hot night.0 I% m! S  f; _8 U3 U* j
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
) J/ g* r) N8 N. ]改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.2 O5 g% u' Q, X( a/ k4 q% u
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
7 b) C& F: G3 Y7 l" M该为:throughyour hands.
8 T4 z( w2 _/ L& n还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。# E8 A& u. y6 ]% a8 [/ F' _
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。# o* M* r' ?; e  ]' }
至少比我强。
1 M; i4 [3 S/ d/ ~4 d5 e2 W, S偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
3 H! N# [$ z$ t& W/ d; k2 g2 h; ~' s- R3 ?2 X# u; s  m
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
# e( z: {: J* W+ t后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
" M- B$ I* @/ Z% F% z( @; B3 R. q/ P1 E8 n谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.+ A9 j' r: _+ H8 W5 {8 n; N
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:2 }, W8 V6 L8 @- y) n& |
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.. F* ?2 D1 A0 f
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
9 L3 |' h  w. |1 t+ u4 i. O Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.2 e, S' c$ l6 m, X5 U5 y5 w
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
  m( `7 g! x, BSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
1 G: P# `6 {* m* M: ySummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:+ H% e3 ?) H) b3 K
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
4 _2 b# o5 L* \2 R4 U, |like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
0 d* p* O1 b% @+ i: NI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming." P1 p  h; ~9 F) N: U+ r$ o' h6 X
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.3 }* j0 g  `0 Z; n' V
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
) ^1 h7 M( J% h- n3 b' xI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
. ?& ]' X% ]( v: ]I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.# m% Z4 r( F0 g: ~
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
# [. I) L- o: bIntoxicated then feel cold,
8 l% f1 T5 \% _4 W' sthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
# m2 c9 U2 `4 iI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
0 J, [' K! }! K/ j0 f& i3 jThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?5 H, |$ X) T  m; ~+ h3 b3 J
Why I am always hoodwinked!
+ _- ^6 `4 O7 g+ b3 g# Z% @/ c; z# uI have told myself many times cautiously
3 z  \4 j; j0 @; Ldon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.# G" u% N2 Z( K; _
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.: |( @( w* [# [9 t3 R7 v3 Q
Why can`t I take it easy?7 j7 d; ]4 m" r' M  X( g/ r
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!' o) d! ~" |$ ^: i- a, |' {
When the quiet night comes
3 Z, U  L, L. o. Q% e/ B* M* T2 ]your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.+ f4 V7 P5 _0 _1 u) `
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
/ u1 c% ~( {' f+ M2 r5 ~Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
/ g3 f* w4 ]( K  S$ f3 ^1 U+ s  q9 O! @7 r3 ~light the dark corner in my mind.
* d. c! P/ S% t; q; GI feel a bit of cozy.
$ s  O" g$ S  N! d/ H8 k: ~" C' H8 C$ gThe deep attached to you in a twinkling( J8 d% l) v7 B& D* ^
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.5 M. N9 ]- C0 h: e. @: g+ T& i. C" q
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,; u+ _9 {; j/ ]6 ?
but accompanying with the time passed* m& l7 w9 u" R$ z+ M9 x
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
) G5 V% r; W/ B8 ~) i/ Ralways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
: |3 J2 F) q3 K6 G( N& ~Without asking if you like me or if I like you
3 k, n9 L7 p0 ?$ Vonly feel gracious for your existing,
6 o6 c* f, J, Q& f4 u' e  c7 Tonlt want to do something for you.2 B: g7 V& \$ u. v
Every time when you meet me
1 L" |& h8 O! ^! \the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
3 f) S. c8 n, l  f0 H" P3 I3 _but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
: ?: g9 }" Q. h. V7 \. DThat live in my heart.5 w1 L* B# ?1 p- j' C
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
2 p1 o4 x6 {3 n. O5 @, ^Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
0 X  Q8 Z4 }6 Z1 p# Cmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
( J9 Z1 _8 ~' D4 j7 s  ~& xThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
, q* z2 ~8 {0 i; }) ?suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.- Q, j+ X$ e0 n- C$ y+ \3 Z
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
. J9 Z- I. @  _( L/ A! wespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
4 Q5 {9 |' p0 w5 w4 `( HSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ! J( o: O8 a* |4 C
only waiting for you quietly% w+ Y; {4 K, H0 h6 ?2 Q
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
3 C' R% Y, v+ R' g6 o" W1 |  ?I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
3 }% M# C5 X3 G' h$ a5 uand enjoy the rain washing together
2 q' P* s* s: i* J) _% A' L) [or rush to a film
* x7 c2 Y6 t, K, `- ~or listen to a music quietly.
3 [6 l" n+ X, k0 dWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?3 i5 h4 m5 x+ i; L: b
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,+ e- S5 e: h6 I/ j6 m
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
3 E* C6 u' }$ C  M* |That is enough.7 T. z- m# s; ^8 |/ x( a; ]* E
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,2 s  Z7 O( P9 i/ ?* n
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
" K2 B; D) s2 m/ L0 athe same as my missing.* b. x* p: ]" C1 Z' Z
It comes a little bit of verdure.4 ~' F, ^4 ~, A$ P9 w
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
9 o# D$ a+ }$ j  ?then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
" q  j& b& Y0 }% d* WLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
1 u: `, K$ z- x& L6 s! S- ?I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.7 J7 f9 G8 g- Y0 ]1 K) @3 `& x
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,. {( v, W. n: p2 \
then I will have all care and ardor.( Q% `% y2 g3 Q. f) p0 m1 e
Shall we walk arm in arm?7 v9 c- {4 Y; V6 z$ l
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
0 R, T- K) x7 |* g, a5 y* oLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
( I2 I. N4 @7 a( h  ?4 W" g3 jI am still the same person of yesterday.; M9 M# p) V7 V& M5 `: y7 r3 I
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
% w" l8 m% Y3 {, m8 eSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
7 r4 R: Q# i$ m# W3 C& B" {Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.& d5 z& F8 q& z7 {; x5 F
More or less,1 r( s+ g1 H/ e
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
: E* `3 E- g& G* `
( `. p. `2 F" GSummer easily slips away
2 Y* L! M% J- X% T3 J( c+ jThose long lost hot nights
* j8 ~) `1 t$ K# G can only be found in the old days.
4 n  `" E% j$ u: w7 \$ m$ o
, v+ g$ b* M, u% D4 L8 i5 ~0 vCats jumping over the window sills,
0 O* V5 e5 `) A4 ~chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
3 K. o! q# S6 m# `9 eGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.: B- V1 K" o- ]9 U/ J0 T5 o
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- r5 \/ W6 l; y9 b4 }I am still the same person of yesterday.) M/ k0 L1 ]0 O% W& K
Unchanged name, unchange ...

) a- \. |( K9 [
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( ^: K  R6 k' O( c( L0 S0 MGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.9 Z2 H& j. ?: ^8 `; M
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
  U& ]7 M; |0 v5 V; B7 ?$ b6 KI am still the same person of yesterday." C! ~3 b) i5 F' B- a* p3 {
Unchanged name, unchange ...
3 V2 ^- y) k5 w$ j
i like it.
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