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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
6 T3 n$ P4 X8 Y+ Z/ z7 {,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
  O1 Y( g8 v8 g# |零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 5 q* c7 a! R6 ?0 s  ^8 O
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
) N' g$ ]% q  ]( Z梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.; j( G! v5 \; O) g1 t' {% J
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
. ~. R+ j, T. Z: Z8 [$ ?% `夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.5 J/ j; L$ E+ f8 _: e1 a5 [
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
' ~. @! ]0 J; g/ Q# |/ F就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.2 N9 \4 d( V1 V, [& }# n, P; ^
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及5 w7 C1 c% E8 R
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。; r  g  z' w! r3 ?0 ~1 V
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
; k' g( b: y; H! t$ T  O$ C0 w昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
9 u/ F1 L/ @- P  M" v. p: V. x想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
6 o5 k1 y' \. o最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
, i6 s1 }7 B  a( a# ~寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?9 R" O5 Q' o% G9 S& \! x0 B
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
, s  k' K. R5 F1 @7 I# q迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
$ F! L% ]5 ^8 x, b! p, E& L  ^最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.. I3 Y# Z  A! ^+ P+ Q
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?; o% G& {* a& G( R8 m9 D
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
" M/ G9 d- W& o" }多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
$ c+ m/ k; [( M: D5 d! p3 ~不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
6 K% E  }$ i/ p5 k& K多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 6 P2 M# N9 Z) O- r7 G/ B
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
; i2 C3 B( s9 h1 f多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!) O( i8 @. A! {4 H
永难平息的泪
9 [+ P" R" K2 U' d( n6 v每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
5 n2 N; I# y' g~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.8 j2 C! D& S7 ~6 M
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
$ o' D$ a/ r$ r3 A" T5 t让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
7 R/ W$ }- o( A. P0 ?你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
1 p4 s/ a2 `8 O. ~0 [+ m一抹微笑;1 h/ _  W' C# }" r( |3 R/ j
一个手势;
' |7 u+ X0 C* E  c; D) G" f一片话语,. Q# k* T' {& {
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
0 [. J) i4 I, @! K明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
8 l& [/ a+ g& u* a0 Y9 }心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
/ \2 w  S7 c# _! Q2 s4 ?这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling  i" g+ J8 ?1 i5 h8 b: {2 Y
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..9 d3 a( v  n) g& E, e- I
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,' ]* T. S4 x8 n' c& B4 @( ]1 n
我并不以为然。
3 X) w7 s* A1 U4 T5 _. d7 |9 ]) O& G" F可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 0 x- J- Z1 n5 y6 D0 ^/ b
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .3 O0 S9 K$ ~' e* x. V5 C
被一种情绪所左右,
4 S  J" [/ K+ p6 b! K总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
/ Y3 P& ~/ w) ?  p* R$ G即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you& v/ f4 E- u1 r
也不问我是否喜欢你,
) W6 Z! t+ p" \  l- H  y0 [8 g& Z对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.; D5 U) E$ S# E6 ^( w+ s
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you+ o% ^/ P8 z4 X+ t4 g+ U4 p
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you, H4 C. e! }9 d3 U9 I
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
9 y' S' y$ U' A+ R6 x- ~) O然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 7 I8 s1 ]  C5 z9 u, ?
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
+ E6 k/ m# `  v& P" w8 C' f记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
5 t. ]' g$ J# b6 Q你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 6 E/ t5 Y7 A( Z9 z$ ]5 O, W
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字; E/ i' ?0 t% l( q9 @
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
0 M3 V4 e. F* h; e; b一种声音,and your voice
% t  o: u* N* s- |也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.0 G7 n4 g- P2 J( Z: Y# K
掺杂著幸福的感觉。6 ^8 i1 J' H0 x7 T# k7 u
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land! v( I) U# c( c1 b3 F
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
* [& G& k" X' Y0 t7 |" D8 b倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
9 _* a. l( Z5 J$ v9 ?/ Y7 O7 u纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。6 U5 h; O) k& m8 {. q- ~( B) ^
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
* [, K4 W' M# f+ k1 x6 J0 w有一个能够让思念的人,
/ `  Q% w6 K8 _: l3 ~1 _$ u; _其实也是一种幸福。
/ C) y- I$ r% C. n2 q1 }8 s/ F; x尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 3 M! H+ U/ M9 V& u
柔柔的海风,+ t" `* c0 ^8 v6 j: A
甜甜的夏天。+ d9 W) T" j/ V3 ~& n. v% u
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 0 e" _) i+ X% x; \! N0 w
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.$ k' ]+ ^, Z1 o' A: S! l
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do., J4 H5 r) J# t7 N/ S# ~8 w0 C6 Y4 t- S
想和你有共同的情结,' z, W& P4 ?: q1 K5 I8 z( d- F, H
共同的心愿。5 U3 m  z: P% z

* E$ w; H) j. [. {) t; {) |/ S, L$ U$ ^
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
9 F# D' D( h8 o一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together' ^2 S; H" ~4 ?# O' v
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ; ~/ _. ]; e6 F* k2 p+ w  [
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.$ i1 w& g( U( m2 ~. q% Y, d( p
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
3 u8 Q  T& ~+ k; {, H; s5 _我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
) U$ M* J( V# [7 U( H8 I浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”( o( w8 x0 E% s) g
或是轻轻的一吻,& i7 P" H4 |1 ?7 W
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』! f$ Y, p# ^7 N
就足够了. That is enough.' W# O. C; `3 }9 V" f1 C- o
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
2 {- }! Y; U3 T5 t终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.2 w* D, @: o* Z4 [( Z
萌出了芽,
9 Z  }6 W3 @. A1 q一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
" \& y! V, [$ `浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
: ]6 ]# B6 V- ?+ m* K如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand2 I4 t( b; \* q  V( U& U2 I
能够牵著你的手,
0 p. \* K4 ]+ F. B! k: d那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.% S) n/ d! p: O" p) k% p2 V5 y
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 1 K9 K) f5 v  ?* I& w' a
慢慢地细读,1 R% i& f/ _: F, _% {8 B1 l
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 7 {1 J; ]4 m+ U
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
3 a/ b7 V* M/ l" M4 m: C, w我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 7 ?- K3 n* U. O+ m' R" w7 ]  {$ ~
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
5 |( z; Z9 o; o# k现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago5 _# L* G7 B: M0 p6 _; N0 F& e
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something./ o2 Z' ~& D' j  i3 G
change to:lacked
: X  S1 L' J' W" ?/ h6 u  @猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
! N; U# f* A- b4 p' E# pCats often played at the whole hot night.
) m& y: _9 |5 h3 o2 h/ F) j; g 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及) P' f% e& M0 v" n5 G
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.; H' Y1 `$ p+ ?" \8 m/ U
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. - w1 a% }6 X, ?2 V
该为:throughyour hands.
: ?  x! x( o3 s还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
) |* L0 b: j5 O% r) W5 \不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。. I' a; A, D: D2 `) x! ?# s
至少比我强。
! F6 G' F, M5 y) v. u  J偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... " ]$ X1 j# M5 F

8 {# z* V- L6 _( v& W; O6 @这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。6 z6 T3 K# h" @% c( F/ r
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
  ?5 U, t+ r- y5 m4 V谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.$ U$ u( u$ b7 r
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:" e  U! R2 x- i9 V
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.5 z' K3 v9 a- W* G' O* Q
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
' A. c& m& |0 {1 l* Y4 I# P7 Q1 ` Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name., B  i8 W- }: C& y+ O/ K% [8 x& g/ ]
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
* L( J9 O$ o" T6 }2 c7 w: ASeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.: }' P0 c/ |9 N5 L8 B
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
; B8 P0 u  Z/ B7 v7 ~Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
# p% t( @* @9 y& g: ^% ]like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.6 Z+ \+ U8 b! k/ m. ]9 x; f# T
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.3 Y2 _: |  C- n" P9 ~3 o( }
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
8 Y8 h: F% b4 A( J. h6 ]3 dThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
4 n4 O3 w, `3 k" w/ eI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.# y5 c& G) c) A- a' ~4 j1 `
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.! t  t: \- q$ ?# G, j
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
: y& i0 c+ F1 ?, D* h/ ]Intoxicated then feel cold,* ?) r4 u  f8 G  {, E! ^' e
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
3 P# n6 k6 E7 lI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.( y# e/ T/ ?9 L7 I* B2 v, e/ {0 S
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?# ]0 I- o; B6 G( l
Why I am always hoodwinked!0 h' a- ^3 }1 H* {
I have told myself many times cautiously ( f) `" p# u- F% j' d+ h
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.0 W, I  _3 O' L
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
& q0 k  i2 k; ^8 vWhy can`t I take it easy?
4 o% O4 `7 O$ c& d1 M: {8 p+ I9 t/ lHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!6 ^# `, n/ X$ w5 G2 w" X
When the quiet night comes
3 D6 V% t; k6 A5 \$ Uyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
/ c9 U4 ^3 ]6 @+ d3 A) U, u3 [The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.; Y+ N6 h3 h, |8 @; S. _  x
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,5 B' a4 Z4 `5 ^4 T( Z  I7 B: J
light the dark corner in my mind.
" z; U' C' Q8 T( v9 eI feel a bit of cozy.$ R8 D* M2 v+ g' ]. V! S) R2 d
The deep attached to you in a twinkling* g: ^1 ?& L1 k
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
( h0 M/ N; Z/ SI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
- ]/ f3 E$ S# |& Rbut accompanying with the time passed( b: J7 _( B# m
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,0 o* |0 L$ Y5 Q
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.* {& ^3 S$ V9 P0 F
Without asking if you like me or if I like you6 ?' _) O& w5 `8 \0 r
only feel gracious for your existing,
" X+ B$ x& R& o4 v: J. ~/ G5 y7 [onlt want to do something for you.
3 v! s( B4 |# t* P# vEvery time when you meet me# {/ m6 J* b& J! q
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,3 \" H; h; t: L, g
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
0 Q! I3 C+ R% x0 E6 WThat live in my heart.* h' U6 V0 q) B( J' k6 \
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
* p4 r; j0 W( b6 o, h0 lEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice$ \1 s% v& S3 N+ h* _- ~6 c
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.4 |; R6 D0 }/ v" g1 K
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land5 `& t- e7 V4 B* d8 J) f
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ x- D' l. m9 O+ R+ X+ ~6 qDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
- o& {1 C1 U% T, Nespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.) J& o8 E# p0 ]2 p
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
; `  |: H6 E0 m! Z! `only waiting for you quietly
4 u. o1 M, {. n) kjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
  p8 V( Y, |* j8 y) z8 C. I- FI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 e9 V0 l$ m! `- x5 |# ]; Hand enjoy the rain washing together8 K2 y2 i5 w+ x: \' ~. _
or rush to a film
% S7 c# r" l: F- Hor listen to a music quietly.
" [# G' Q9 P0 S! u  R: TWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?5 X* {" A0 a% X5 {& M3 D: z
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
! R1 D3 v" N8 c7 esmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
, r# g, t. \1 N- J, aThat is enough.
6 N, a& Z! U" z, Y6 GMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
- Y* K8 i4 Z  p; g  @; Vfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
, Z  w  n% ^! }: r* r4 a7 \the same as my missing.
: i8 X* a4 ^- t$ N7 |' \: N( D+ j5 Q( CIt comes a little bit of verdure.+ c$ V  N8 L* n& A% L- M$ I2 I7 S
If, If some day I can touch your hand, 6 H# g$ c& J: B5 b
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.9 V5 H) X. q5 }4 g
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.% a, J( i* p# ^. s/ I4 ]6 m5 \
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.1 R' E/ z4 o* l4 M( _  a
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
& R, D8 s' p4 p+ A+ e- e5 nthen I will have all care and ardor.
2 o4 S9 G. S9 ~/ L; N# J. xShall we walk arm in arm?
1 h$ h, b# O' L% s% V呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.- Z- r( h& j  k7 o# ~( z3 z
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.3 s6 f9 _6 f, g9 ?" M
I am still the same person of yesterday.
% T- K" j& A& Q3 V/ \Unchanged name, unchanged I.
, a: x. H  @0 @: Y% zSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. . J: B7 \' a/ Q( m+ Q. a" H, u
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.' S; R1 \" L, e' F
More or less,
5 B* U# G3 n% S0 \5 Z: d  T' ]4 Y a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.3 G) E$ r9 I9 D  e5 Y: p

& l9 g5 d' @/ Z+ T$ n* `Summer easily slips away2 }) T, n6 N, b4 [( [* ]2 b
Those long lost hot nights
. P7 T8 E( f" V can only be found in the old days.
- \5 `5 E4 l, i" f
# m: K) ^* Q) f! YCats jumping over the window sills, 6 B- `. j  ]+ ~
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
" l# }2 b  y* c/ [2 P4 ?Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% m" g( ?# X" M. o$ ]; @! O0 ^1 b4 R+ ^
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.! N  [: ]8 R; p* Z& @3 x
I am still the same person of yesterday.
1 g& \; g$ f5 I/ L* o: BUnchanged name, unchange ...
* s; x: l/ c$ K
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
4 W& f4 `& n7 S! b4 o. c: H( L  S4 RGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.1 S* ]  p+ p& |7 z: f
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
+ Q) C1 \% ?% i6 d% b" R# `% hI am still the same person of yesterday.+ y0 G, ~5 E2 Z- t! C; F- p% ?
Unchanged name, unchange ...
! G) v, N9 t9 e# L$ I1 u( a
i like it.
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