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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,' o/ O6 o+ p+ S0 K, q: Y( P
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  4 N2 C% e! X% K; `
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
: H  z2 l7 L8 I8 ~7 ]6 r" i4 \现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name./ E  p% E% s4 ~* ]3 t5 [. t# u4 b
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
3 h4 e0 Y' S! j' n+ u2 ^0 k& e眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
8 M: y& O; T; r8 ~* i& c7 A/ W8 D夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.* s& ^% m. C/ D1 m
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.# R: \6 X8 U& z; M7 U+ ?
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.$ E8 i" D# P# k+ g  K, N7 o1 }3 A
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
0 D2 y) r: O$ t那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。- [+ i, U9 p6 j  V4 x
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
; ]6 n( u; L  J1 z: t: Y昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night." O% M) q7 E) B* a+ P6 E% N4 f
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.- n/ Z8 G3 S" @" A
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. : o0 m+ i7 S/ ]9 l! `- y
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
0 N. Q, B% ?$ Z$ `( v  ]醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.7 V: W# O. |8 G, G
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.6 A/ l/ ]  t1 d6 j  K
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, m! s4 _" V* A- B多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
8 D! O' m7 a( N4 fWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
  d0 M2 y5 L" ^8 b多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously" }( K: J* c# b: S7 c5 \2 e5 o( Q
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.5 V$ K5 q2 M! @% K0 u+ Q
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
9 H& O7 y9 k* `# N" U0 ]为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
1 @7 ^- B( s6 g* o$ h" Z2 O1 w- i, B- H多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!4 L5 G6 h9 }, }8 q" w
永难平息的泪( L, Z+ Y( c4 w( a4 ^4 `' a; @* b
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes' Z2 h+ D0 |/ A% C- T
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.  l6 J8 N  k8 H
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
" o9 F# o: F! n  D. C让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,! Q& G( P: L& d2 s1 o! u6 k, K
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 4 u! _/ |4 M0 Z3 D
一抹微笑;7 I5 d7 x* k4 I  V+ u* d+ q8 _
一个手势;
4 }0 p* ]: y! e* g- r4 x一片话语,
) \& V( b$ _$ q# d愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
" D! W. O( h  h9 A明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
1 K- M0 k9 L$ \% X0 G心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
( ^7 g! }6 t1 D) U1 ^9 e7 P: b: }$ x, A这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling$ D* Y( g  S3 d0 H4 l& _
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..! S( `6 g/ i6 B+ ^. r$ e/ Y
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
' d- x' ~5 k) K1 B我并不以为然。" F5 H- c- P* v. `: j. e
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
! h# [5 G/ Y7 ^- Y+ U0 a慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .3 `2 I, M( P) [3 L
被一种情绪所左右,$ b3 C* B2 R, D3 W2 ]- Z/ l
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
0 E) p: l& Y1 b# w! l) L4 e+ F1 g即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
$ ]! W4 B: ?& K, ~也不问我是否喜欢你,
2 Z0 u3 x# Q0 V( ^1 E) m- b对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.- H. ^; k) S5 w$ g1 }0 |
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you3 h( J. L3 ^" s2 X' v
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you0 B  S4 G& W/ y
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
4 x- k/ r6 c5 |2 [5 ~, ]然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ; g: Q# M/ V* s9 r& e" f6 N/ H
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
' H4 j3 k  A% Q% ?2 w记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.* F: ^- o; x* }. C: c: ]
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!   s0 n; N: Q2 A$ O
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
, I7 A4 S- A: J: @# v- e0 V哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
6 w7 e/ E4 E+ Y/ U) y2 Z一种声音,and your voice
9 {/ m1 |3 |5 q' S! W4 n+ T也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
( I7 [) d4 E2 v) V( Z掺杂著幸福的感觉。
1 j  f; p# t4 K4 [4 A. L( S1 s与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
/ x( ?- m) P& d) L, u) i象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
; O8 B9 o) [! l; u& A倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
6 b; ^1 V0 X' u8 F0 S7 Q% s纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。6 n* E: x+ X( x$ M: }' }: m
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
  h  \, V/ P1 f5 `2 @有一个能够让思念的人,
% W8 G6 R2 A$ L) a5 o/ U" z2 U& [2 P2 R其实也是一种幸福。
) P7 ?' U+ A2 F! Y尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
! H, X/ o1 g. H柔柔的海风,6 h# K4 F( y" K9 Z; V; W' ^, Q
甜甜的夏天。
9 q- ^0 u9 }$ r9 P0 }一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy - ?/ Q: w" F+ q+ I5 s
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.$ U, T, s+ Y! ]
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
7 Y3 }* y5 ]; D+ x0 r: w想和你有共同的情结,
! H6 A9 f$ K6 F7 [" R4 @$ b共同的心愿。
. A: G- y9 A1 i8 K' E" I: W: y9 D- D5 A$ J" \1 q

* r  U. u9 u# O6 m7 Z好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you0 n3 k8 H3 U' \
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together  }) T, n& h. ]1 j2 }  G
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 7 E" _7 X+ c5 V6 m1 i
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
5 I1 S! \. E( e# g" S『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?: [( j# Y) @7 Z3 _
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
) ?0 l7 O  a4 ~5 r/ a- o8 ]0 J8 K8 Y浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
+ }. h( I, Y& M- K, O' F7 N或是轻轻的一吻,& S5 M6 Y1 e+ ]' o8 E4 `: z
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』% T4 W# ^4 n' A6 B, W6 v
就足够了. That is enough." c- c" ^% U; U1 s, h/ P9 \
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
; y& v" v3 [' ]( A& V# a  a# v终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
# O0 y' ^) f# _% g0 O/ f6 u萌出了芽,
+ T* E- g& ^0 \. x0 b) n) J一如对你的思念,the same as my missing. C4 Z& h! I  c0 O6 S
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
! G; `) |5 ?/ ~4 n* x& I如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand+ F; ]7 \+ l9 m5 ]( Z4 H6 u. E' J( G/ b
能够牵著你的手,
$ T- ?" T; |1 {) b4 A那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely., E6 Z+ b( Q9 y- F
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
- S" z7 ]% f! e3 n: f) G1 {) T& h慢慢地细读,
  b) G7 ~- v+ g+ }+ x% Q我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. + ?0 Q, a! d8 M4 X1 z( M/ @, ^4 O
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
, v3 ~$ K& w$ M% ^9 }3 `我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
. t) d7 n5 b2 g- F就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
3 }  \9 y  B4 L9 C现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
  ]% U( G) A$ X眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.% A5 G) s3 i$ k, j( [  X
change to:lacked
1 w  \9 [  X0 I3 n: [2 p; ?0 k猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
* m4 e5 j* `- @0 e) L4 YCats often played at the whole hot night.2 D% a" x! @- g. G8 f
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及1 j. {! r3 d# R; ?" r0 ?
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
7 ^! u& f. L" I6 S4 E" L3 AI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. , h# x9 o1 g& I
该为:throughyour hands.7 n% ]2 L! Z4 C
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。  x# G9 M+ V4 O0 g2 l
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
  |; Q' t* ~5 ]至少比我强。
( J6 Y) [6 A, u0 y% m6 }偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 3 {5 I5 f' ?* x! e

, @# G8 G) L# D+ W: p* o3 n% e& E; f这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。7 N/ y+ A0 z) Z
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
1 `# \( q( L4 ~' ~谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.+ _- R* z7 `3 b; F
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:7 b  S9 Z# f  r& s% j8 B6 N: `: W
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
0 `5 H) F8 Z' D9 u: ?3 @1 TPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
% m3 e' S7 H3 u7 Y& F9 F* d6 F" q Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
# F+ M1 L2 I  s9 t5 |9 rThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
7 \# Q8 j# B; d6 I/ Z* wSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.& X, G2 P9 M. }
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
1 _: w4 `2 S! K7 y/ ?Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool : u/ ~/ X  c$ }% H( n
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.; R  `# t: a( G9 ?8 d
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
# W8 m+ i3 ~, z7 X. j. q- RThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.) n- R4 z( |+ @" ]5 R2 f; m  p
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.! x9 A  j* h% u' A5 X$ e
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.- Q: |4 k6 S& p' a8 Y7 ]
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
) K- c+ u+ U) h, {1 l6 \In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
! g! s* n, C5 m% D. V) `/ J7 r, qIntoxicated then feel cold,
( Z; E" j0 h, r0 {( u, I5 ythe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
& B: [% ?# p; _# x3 ]I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
# N+ C) B& x6 X% s  x$ nThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?( x$ e7 v6 t, o1 F2 r( A. }
Why I am always hoodwinked!4 f' @/ p/ X0 H3 H% E8 E
I have told myself many times cautiously
: J! i' p* }; h6 P+ Kdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.' H: L9 X9 h+ f& ?( @
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.& U: ~# h- `; s- D- x+ |, g- v
Why can`t I take it easy?
* L6 {" @/ m6 ]; Z7 RHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!- g/ _0 h  o7 c) v$ a5 B/ o
When the quiet night comes% d# v2 x' ~6 E
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes." ]6 q8 P' m+ F7 h
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
+ h- n8 t4 {3 s0 m" R' F, `Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
4 P' c5 q- v7 X& {7 s# Dlight the dark corner in my mind.
0 l- y5 ]6 i, y( Z. ^  x0 J0 D  DI feel a bit of cozy.7 g2 ~: a* [6 F9 w
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
3 r3 E$ h' X6 o, f0 ^1 j6 mmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
1 c' n8 h& w: C: a' X% \) t  r0 XI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,# Q+ V  r& i. y6 q
but accompanying with the time passed* E. N) l8 w+ y7 X, M' Z
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,0 S) p6 v  K1 a) u/ u; g; g% w( h8 p; x
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly." B1 C6 h6 r$ @4 f5 g0 q
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
" C2 _5 _" i1 }* y! oonly feel gracious for your existing,' N9 M2 C6 d) r7 I+ v
onlt want to do something for you.
0 H4 N: ?: S/ Z; I# mEvery time when you meet me
7 k0 D/ {4 w: o6 h0 xthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
  N0 O: A8 X2 v/ K; L0 m! ~' Tbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere6 V: ?1 v; v, j2 m0 E1 g
That live in my heart.
& M1 W) p" d. s6 o8 q5 _3 W1 tDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
9 ^, h! T! \; R6 m  q' DEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice- y/ C& |! Y: b
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
6 L8 q: r0 W0 DThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land" Z( [1 k2 |2 O3 ]
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
4 ^0 y) _6 G: _9 O, aDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
7 B) j. c: p% L5 O( Respecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.- V5 i6 h9 z1 @& [
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
: G  d) d" a$ d# Konly waiting for you quietly2 b3 F" |: y  |4 O
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.# v: j' `* B9 h& |7 R8 L- E5 ]5 x
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
% a+ _* q5 a& M# \& x0 Kand enjoy the rain washing together1 r* R. C+ m/ o0 Z* ?: q7 y/ A
or rush to a film* I# @. w! c  D  j. ^: E$ W- _! O& X! T
or listen to a music quietly.0 t$ h# D5 E% p) u# {# c
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
6 G( Z) k- g$ i( P- Y0 x; gIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,+ l4 _; F# M- z7 I! l$ I  J+ _/ F
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".* Z1 Q+ ?/ i$ R
That is enough.
9 q. \" m% M# N  `Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
9 a$ b- P! t' l1 N) gfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,( S7 q! C$ I# F: Z1 b. G
the same as my missing.3 i/ v3 P8 q9 [$ D' D/ f* ?
It comes a little bit of verdure.( \8 x' ^' f% Y$ E
If, If some day I can touch your hand, - [( M! g9 ^  e: i
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ P5 c  k2 O2 h& W2 fLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.8 e* K/ u8 |# _
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
& U" B( e. X: V/ j2 H- i# NAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,. l; l) n- z" v7 m/ `) C- d1 }
then I will have all care and ardor.
6 T$ p  y" i+ tShall we walk arm in arm?
  |9 k' n) W5 u7 n8 S& f呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.; m* ]4 S+ N8 A
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& A# n7 h. _' NI am still the same person of yesterday.( Z9 G  A+ d# U0 m  P
Unchanged name, unchanged I.! N$ `' L3 D2 T- E
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. % ~- k* l* k! W
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.6 B' S7 w1 |/ O
More or less,. \/ k6 v. N# S' |
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
1 ]3 S" T4 ]* A0 ?- D. |5 T
# W/ y: M2 H! c( ESummer easily slips away
  o  J2 l) y0 Y& o8 U. |& n8 J7 OThose long lost hot nights
+ y' T7 [3 C. D/ j/ J can only be found in the old days. ; H7 r6 u& h) B5 H1 S

* w# {" X7 @/ E# H' P# F+ OCats jumping over the window sills,
" e& k+ s, |, Ichasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 3 z- U0 [/ e$ \* B0 ^+ Z
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 U  t4 ^5 |. x  \3 Y% p2 s/ r" f+ ]Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 m6 T" p6 ~8 k7 {8 F0 O1 ^9 h
I am still the same person of yesterday.8 e0 D/ }' I( @5 |
Unchanged name, unchange ...

0 h! Y+ A$ l4 @, H% O
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
7 ]! L2 c& @; [0 x, B1 oGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.: I. u# p$ [+ g* w- B, `4 x
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
! n/ {3 y: f& |& jI am still the same person of yesterday.( w. j; e& R, A: i' V& Y: i
Unchanged name, unchange ...
$ I0 c; B2 b; Y: y9 Y& K
i like it.
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