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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
5 O" [' d& V% H9 N3 G,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
# h# x* P- u6 ^零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .   K; x; K9 F9 d2 W  v. W  v6 \: N
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
1 M& z& o4 Q" A& x! `* x( S: u6 M: I( V梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
# K# ~# e' t( b  E/ \$ S( x: ]眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something./ S" |" K) Q9 i" ]% n
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
: p% x( A- E1 q( q6 D5 H; X猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
- p" s' J* Q+ I就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
8 ^8 G9 x% J, i, F7 ]我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
( s4 c/ L1 v' g9 U0 z7 n* P那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。* S( [0 `. O! y% M) Z! }/ d
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream." U' j6 [' M4 u5 Y! s6 p
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
8 o  `+ J4 H% S$ P想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
4 N) ]$ u+ X  j: j1 T+ H最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. - a  ^6 n. E6 |( R0 f
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
3 h2 ]% {1 }' s0 \. \醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.1 N' l+ C* A4 P, D
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.5 f# b; v: P4 e0 ]3 c1 S6 g5 f9 j3 [
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, b- c5 B; u4 E+ b& N2 o+ A9 H多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
  {3 d$ M$ }! q/ e6 n' NWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
# a/ Y, G4 @; C) D; J8 @( u4 x5 f多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
, ~7 O- U& ^9 X: A  j: t0 L$ r: i不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
9 q+ g& O8 w6 [. w多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
0 Q( s8 n: b2 E' w; ]0 g为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
9 |% ?, Z' \' z+ a多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
+ {4 T% e9 C8 x! I+ v4 [( L永难平息的泪, D) U5 ~" H7 Y) }/ l" _/ |
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
0 e# h. c! f9 H~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
( A& ^* D! ~) ^7 w! w当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
) F3 E% j, Q/ h3 {9 N* i让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,0 ?$ @; x: t6 w. [4 O; [# s
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
- u. Q2 U6 N$ V一抹微笑;5 u) R' C8 W- p6 {2 j4 a- W& g
一个手势;
. `, ~' V, r  \7 E1 P& P) T一片话语,4 J: M' \3 k1 K) Z$ j, m/ u
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、# k+ n4 d& h4 U
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
9 Q- P, W. c: M% b% l& f, E心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.; E: ^: C( W7 f+ Z8 y) C
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling$ c2 W/ A" C) O5 T$ ], ]  ~( O) i& c
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
  M* j* F. R) y3 R起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,$ p5 I7 M) g- u$ u
我并不以为然。6 s8 i7 [4 V2 ?) t1 B' x( ?
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
- Y1 s: I0 f1 b+ G* F慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion ." l6 A2 j: i; Y
被一种情绪所左右,+ s! x4 j) z; V; o5 T3 L- r( L
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
6 N- P  V0 l( N4 M1 n即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
% \) K! ^; @5 r& m! L3 D+ _也不问我是否喜欢你,
7 {7 y' y" b! N; F对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.) P) t4 F9 Y# p' F2 X2 \# }
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
( y/ U% e0 R- Z" R: L3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you9 C* `2 W$ X9 I8 T
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil$ V( [+ H' x9 Z% O: b
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
  G0 A  F# ^" c" k# K你的身影已化成一种氛围,
, A# }0 ?, R" U6 x: a) U- O9 t) w( H. i记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.) r' U  I4 s9 H. F& u, \7 C1 H
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
/ `  o  D8 m2 ^3 w( m% q8 }随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字8 a+ `8 ?% @8 G- O% ~  ^
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,4 {5 v% C! G5 ~; M7 n
一种声音,and your voice% l$ a. B1 h7 i% n, \
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
6 _; Q  ]2 J5 e% ^8 a4 ?/ o3 h掺杂著幸福的感觉。/ N: w$ ~3 p" J( o! f
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
! A# D/ F0 E8 Y" k5 F3 o8 R/ ?象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
5 w) R% [& g1 `0 g/ i8 V倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
7 d. {8 x/ F- ^+ G7 V纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
! d3 b' g' V- E你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss/ B$ d& h) s4 b# e7 o' i
有一个能够让思念的人,2 i" t; y3 ^+ r
其实也是一种幸福。8 ~% H" ?. I8 y6 P! X' ^
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
7 `8 N3 ~( V: B+ f; M柔柔的海风,
6 Y$ F4 v$ p2 `: \/ W! c0 t( a甜甜的夏天。
+ y4 B. ^( U) N8 `% H一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
+ G* h: V  w4 H5 i) w" U; L- }只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.% u9 ?6 N' ~3 u
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.& X0 ?' S7 [$ p" p; ]
想和你有共同的情结,' `8 ~% B9 ?0 x$ H7 L$ A6 f
共同的心愿。
8 _; Q6 F% M8 D+ ~! _7 S6 }0 u( G  r6 j

$ U* E3 o+ S/ p$ I3 H好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you; N2 C' Y1 N  U% A2 T
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together: ^/ b2 _9 W& o7 u
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
9 Q2 B: P5 F$ V2 r或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
7 O( M: C' N& R. Z! |9 z3 p( X- h6 {『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
$ _9 |0 f0 _7 L我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 1 n! g  m, D, w5 F  y
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
1 W2 [8 d1 j- s4 |( @! t# c- r或是轻轻的一吻,: m3 i: e  f0 h2 D5 E: A
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
& F" E$ P1 T7 b# D就足够了. That is enough.
% J8 Z1 e9 ^) l" e1 E这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 5 ^9 M1 V) F4 M% o4 K! U: f
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout., ~$ R$ f1 y/ v  H( T
萌出了芽,
- u) ]+ |" h: g3 ^. f% P4 m一如对你的思念,the same as my missing# F9 }# M6 {4 J
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
+ T* |; \  s, {( u( W* a- n2 U8 }如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand* k$ M" H7 A4 ]8 u
能够牵著你的手,
  e0 G; U+ V0 c5 m% z( U4 _7 C3 z那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.1 f6 O$ s6 U8 n# ^
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
$ `) S2 z: \9 C+ x5 ^慢慢地细读,
3 e7 a& _! z. U& Q) A我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 9 a  }7 @* M- j
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
: o0 I. O  d6 u1 p7 S1 W: K5 o我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor * \2 u9 V/ K' A1 u$ V8 N# A$ T
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
) R* x  \. q9 k' z0 A现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
5 v6 C4 _4 U' q4 T眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
" f" t% k  \* F, Achange to:lacked
+ M+ V% h" W- u1 T( Z. R猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
8 d6 e8 a/ F5 u% B/ D6 @Cats often played at the whole hot night." b/ V% v1 l5 \+ l2 q6 M/ y4 J
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
$ Z, @1 F% K6 b0 h: z0 m% T改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer., _7 \' J. M1 T( H' A
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
( ]) Y+ _  z3 k, y+ b$ n+ p# `该为:throughyour hands./ f4 p4 ]" b- `3 h) W- g' {
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
4 l  {4 r8 V* z/ A不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
2 g: A  v6 e. @至少比我强。
6 L8 o0 {' C6 Q% C, d9 b5 `, b偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
# d) [, [" ~: U, E) Q% B6 F8 P. a8 m
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
$ B7 V7 b, Z7 q+ z  _& `1 R+ N后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.% ?8 w" C& W% Z# X; C2 S+ N! c: |
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.# I, F$ y  ~) L+ g
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
6 P) s5 J  R# |) }& x# z/ d2 tEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  p( F1 G4 `6 z4 B& f$ p3 n
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
5 H' o- a$ e& g8 Y- R' e Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
9 l  J8 |  s6 [+ T: aThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
) e/ I- P& ?1 iSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
  X# v, {- k' `3 D% W2 d8 d; zSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:+ _! i7 E! b) K
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ( }* x% u# l/ v
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
( s+ E" S6 P3 A: G" QI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.# F2 N) O- @. _/ A7 I3 C9 |
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.) a+ A( V5 A8 Y
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night., ^0 R) g/ R  e
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. l' v. J5 @+ E* E* ^* d4 C4 r) g
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
- \: x  h$ `( Q6 M  A2 o9 c& M5 yIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?3 |- Q" ^+ ]* \
Intoxicated then feel cold,
( L7 g# r8 G$ C+ R) Jthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
3 G$ J0 U" d5 \6 a3 QI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
: d2 ^2 D3 X8 K# F: [The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
6 g- a+ X. U' y# h" |Why I am always hoodwinked!. W+ s8 [: X  y) T
I have told myself many times cautiously / T8 a/ T* D0 o
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig., }; x1 H* q) t4 B" y9 w9 f5 N
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
) o# p8 G# B6 p1 H/ b5 I, OWhy can`t I take it easy?
2 x0 |: C4 d0 l5 S* w  WHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
8 [. s8 |7 r/ n( Y, S1 p) }1 }When the quiet night comes
, u. g& ~+ Y) p* t' a, `1 gyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.) w& B8 o6 X0 y* O# W/ I
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
, q- m3 s5 p$ B- ^# \" o5 F4 `Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
$ v, b/ O) G2 I0 r$ p  `/ x$ Hlight the dark corner in my mind.
. T! N+ j+ F' n  M' tI feel a bit of cozy.
/ t" P4 J' w4 I7 GThe deep attached to you in a twinkling  w& S) k5 g  i( U( j0 |% c
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
. w  D0 R  J( v0 V0 B) P7 X' |' AI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,1 a4 j4 V! T5 X- O% S
but accompanying with the time passed
) r' D- g4 ?" n5 t8 c, VI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,, \  {: L. e/ p+ P1 E4 e0 y% w
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
& y: b- b( a" P/ r0 bWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
% W# Z+ K0 w; conly feel gracious for your existing,
9 S) t/ ?- l" ponlt want to do something for you.# W$ L- B: [# g# e& e/ k
Every time when you meet me
" o; |, E4 a; t4 g* [the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,& V4 d" x! G1 w
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere* W; o; A; ]8 m
That live in my heart.4 m. \! V1 A) I/ _9 u, l8 d
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?2 K$ V2 j+ ]2 o' _" T% ~% [+ b
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
" P: ]7 n1 c1 H- O. H1 ?make me gently distraught with happy feeling.4 P% {# D- V9 F' V
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land$ o, M# L! M  X7 B/ l
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
6 e" P- k4 B0 A: a' v6 RDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,+ F4 a" w! s" O6 b, [) P0 ?
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.6 e2 D& g6 n2 W- ?
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
* I% G  Z" Z6 G3 K# bonly waiting for you quietly4 U) ~" R6 N; ?7 k) w- S4 J
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
- I4 v6 S. A  G9 b0 \I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
. U, V1 _# G; q* eand enjoy the rain washing together6 `: C7 d; Y# L6 u
or rush to a film) Y. f! _0 @/ A2 L. u
or listen to a music quietly.
1 l; U, L, _/ @4 V9 xWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?. A' ^- u' O9 ]+ s9 U+ I9 \/ \* I! n$ [
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
# m: r: g0 u. u- Z2 X  c. v3 L- }smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
5 q) L7 n1 S6 r( j" j4 E- H. CThat is enough.1 N) g* Y, r4 J; `4 {# X7 x
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,# n3 r( g: f# O: N6 E/ g
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,) E* i$ V) {2 `- `4 T
the same as my missing.8 K8 O/ w) w. f4 q
It comes a little bit of verdure.; a& q$ W0 v$ N) B" ?
If, If some day I can touch your hand, ( I6 g1 o9 X" X$ v+ T9 z
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
' R+ }0 l1 }* f/ H2 f5 ?Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
$ @+ y% U6 k! m7 ~; L+ U/ dI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.$ t" Z* J) A+ ]$ B
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,5 u! y; A" H  ?1 m) c6 J$ B" [
then I will have all care and ardor.  q  l' v6 V, w4 ?+ E2 @
Shall we walk arm in arm?0 d( _+ H# d8 f/ K
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% g2 @' S4 a. J4 x2 F/ b3 R; X: P
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
: V( R3 F: c9 B- B- \I am still the same person of yesterday.
. w% y8 q: ^( NUnchanged name, unchanged I.
0 ]: ~/ K, |; y# ~( zSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 0 ]( B$ F" i4 r; t
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
, o7 p% F# c1 ~More or less,6 e& F' I- j6 p- V4 P- ?! g  l
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.. @8 G7 L9 P2 p
+ i' C, C* ]( Y4 A3 ~
Summer easily slips away( z/ V/ F3 V. `9 ], C# V# Y8 x2 D1 M
Those long lost hot nights
0 {6 O2 w5 Z& z* I can only be found in the old days.
2 Q" G& _5 l$ H. u& p0 X
# k' L$ P  Y; B1 f% s- E- MCats jumping over the window sills,
: u4 J% j2 C/ Y' z$ S, }chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
2 [5 b1 m' c- o* m/ V6 j( l- AGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.5 T) T: D' q3 }6 n6 H
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. m; I$ @! R# p5 f# ~6 ~2 P' SI am still the same person of yesterday.# }: o- k7 R0 U2 h6 E, ^/ {6 [/ B
Unchanged name, unchange ...

# }; E3 }, A) z$ N
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ; z5 H" d- y: @( r6 B
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.1 T3 X5 ~% x& [& R. L
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.8 {( V" O6 Y/ N7 H3 _1 F/ d: h
I am still the same person of yesterday., M1 W# a1 P8 o. Z
Unchanged name, unchange ...
9 G, |6 [. k- M
i like it.
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