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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
6 }0 G$ N: m0 C6 F,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  " `- s7 r9 w/ t; ~3 N! B  ~3 g
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . ! H4 q! T  P5 c9 X* Q9 @# A8 f
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.& d: H% S$ s7 ^$ R4 c  S) N0 V, S
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.* m& `6 ]1 V% h$ h7 t. o- G3 }
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
! N6 L, P0 `4 U" g3 G: ^4 b+ U8 T夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
# f6 i. J: l# b; J猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
" C/ O+ E4 g* f* i就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
; P9 a5 N3 ]1 T我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及* S. r9 s1 V. t8 ~6 b
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。/ l, Y# t% P1 Y! U2 w; h
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.4 \- T2 N" Q( i
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.' Q8 {0 L' c! i) ]
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.$ F! @& b% }5 o# k) D* V# t
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
" K3 l/ f6 E* o' ]9 A寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?5 w! U2 {3 }1 ?) L" \9 A8 ?4 j
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.8 f1 Y) V2 h$ {$ V: }* D1 ?1 }6 `
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
9 I% ]0 ?3 K5 R$ g: O3 k最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
; a. v; K) N( |" \" ^; X多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?3 v$ }& C! p0 q6 h0 L' a5 r3 Z: |: I
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
- T% D( \; |5 y* U多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
- }  X$ N) W7 ^  u: z9 h; A+ v不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
- u* r" G. g. U  J6 ?& q多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
. }5 s" w5 @: H  Y6 m! d' I) d1 @为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?  `* d, n# ?+ T* e; _9 `- l# q
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!  b- D4 }) r9 _
永难平息的泪% h. K8 K  L5 P3 s
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes7 n" m& m7 k2 r" d) ?
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.+ |; d& {+ B4 P4 m
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.. r/ d/ Z5 K$ Y
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
$ \0 f2 ]7 v9 U+ v2 E你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul - \' C& |: K* {
一抹微笑;
, `: F6 [& D. j% m( W' j* f3 Z一个手势;
1 J6 E# o9 F5 l一片话语,7 k3 p1 ~! p! d
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、4 b2 Z; n+ m. C0 G, w
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner: r9 H) P  R! B3 Z$ |
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
7 a: l1 J( h: a% W这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
4 v9 g: V4 i* U) Z& v3 i. i也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
, N4 ]+ P8 x; w2 L起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,+ i2 n% A  Q+ @2 @, V
我并不以为然。, c& A9 f$ S7 R3 Q  d' L6 K
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed - l& H- }2 w1 b6 q# X7 S7 F
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
% S1 ^8 O& ~: w8 X! z: G" L被一种情绪所左右,
0 w5 ]" {! j3 x总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .0 X7 z7 M' P3 @0 r# g: o
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
: s$ {" n5 Q' j/ e也不问我是否喜欢你,
) T! J9 p6 r6 a' d/ k& ~对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
/ G8 A7 I! _% h: k9 O* _# y只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you/ ]0 F2 w6 ]7 Y1 A8 L$ t+ x! _
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
  M# S( d+ e  Y2 \1 c, h心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil& z$ D( H/ _( J/ I% q
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ! E2 p. v3 E/ v9 ]
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
7 m7 c* f0 O$ H3 ]' R+ T; {3 c记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
' W$ f! M$ w+ W5 p- I你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
. p' e6 v1 ]) G6 M0 [- ~% I随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字% ^3 P) u4 y0 w9 H: U
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
+ ^3 M1 C9 P- k/ \一种声音,and your voice$ {% w: L9 U2 i, {" [# w! R9 v" p9 r
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
0 ]! V% D( c0 z3 w- `, q掺杂著幸福的感觉。3 q3 c6 p% t" T
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
- V+ s% q. n# [, t8 F$ z象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
+ @0 q  ?% g' m4 ]" G* y8 T  N. X倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.! p, Z7 S% t+ f. [; _: j
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
' [, \1 Z: v$ h) \你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
4 g0 N# s3 l0 D  k9 t# P2 P有一个能够让思念的人,6 ~7 t# ~* u, b& h& y
其实也是一种幸福。+ o3 B5 W% }& ~. X. E$ }/ m( E
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
7 n5 K$ e" F* w- V: m% r柔柔的海风,
- s  B) o7 d  z甜甜的夏天。; e1 A' m1 p9 ]
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
$ \" R2 I0 @% u只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.4 ^$ y9 c2 v* ^1 u. O8 {  [4 H
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.: i* L  E) w% o: d% y2 b& ~  E) G% C- u
想和你有共同的情结,
) p, o7 |* s5 Y8 b! M! U* ^共同的心愿。
3 H- |! c6 b  K
' f( I& D/ \3 y6 T7 W' h6 B/ U+ W; t; J
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you2 _* r( q0 o3 Y3 b8 z
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together5 ?1 t. j. m0 a) i1 ?
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 7 j8 H$ a" I5 C, o
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
! K0 Q- `  @. s, t- s『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
6 ?% @, X+ J- N. N& _# u) F我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, ) M6 y  t+ f. P# p
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
+ d3 a$ m7 ~3 w7 K或是轻轻的一吻,
: w7 v0 a1 @& N再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
8 c. z8 \6 D$ H' l8 q$ y7 q6 P就足够了. That is enough.
3 u3 o! o& ]3 m) H3 i" ?+ @这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! # K5 H+ Y# T3 L/ o
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
/ @8 S( V2 a/ {6 O! t萌出了芽,  Y% M( O8 @' o! k6 a
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing% Y2 Y: s  H0 I! k
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.* v/ d* F6 q7 c9 C. N1 C
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
3 p2 t4 ^! V+ e1 U( E能够牵著你的手,
0 y; J$ B- X  z3 R1 X+ B那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 }& q6 ]. p) t2 P! T/ J
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 7 p9 B! P* T9 C4 O6 q2 ?" m/ a
慢慢地细读,$ J5 C7 z4 t: g, r- J
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
7 Q, v- X3 s* b3 r. \在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ( u6 l# J! j8 U2 i# n
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
8 H1 }2 O5 P  {( J就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
, C0 N% C1 J5 I现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago* F$ K8 ?* p' z2 J
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.. Q/ ^; L# E! R0 E" f5 Z$ A
change to:lacked9 i7 ~2 n4 S$ h+ L7 f( n
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.% r; z7 I) k; q6 o; f' ?
Cats often played at the whole hot night.; B3 o: W* S) W3 O
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及6 r+ {% I0 W  ?6 Y
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
9 C$ X9 Y2 x- i6 w, _I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. $ i: @. S; ^$ Y2 C0 u( I
该为:throughyour hands.
% N; g- t+ J/ g还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。. Z3 B+ p5 o% ?$ s; c' q. O
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
. Q) J3 m+ d$ f至少比我强。
$ Z+ J5 G9 F( U$ |) m. c5 ]偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
  ?( ], y7 {; s; f: h7 s2 |, W9 ?9 s* s" I+ z
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
# q: i( N5 ~) P; e后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
1 s1 N, w; _3 I2 |谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
: _0 g& }7 B5 n1 ^8 W前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
; v" K7 Y7 X# aEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
- k, c% g- ~3 e1 w5 U8 p# z! PPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.5 f+ L! E5 H& [, v1 n! T/ j
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.8 J- u+ P8 y6 \* B) w& s7 q7 L
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
9 R, p/ \3 D8 I( s; z. ySeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.9 A1 {* P5 ], x, E5 x+ n' y
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:6 I$ x2 Q& Y5 f: j7 [
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool - q. n2 q; i3 j+ d3 j! U
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
# d9 F! n6 G# `I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.7 I9 m! D5 ~7 K' C  s6 m% z5 `( J. Z( p: ^
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.: W; ^- U; ]3 x7 w' [
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night." F& b/ k( z, d2 t4 q# p/ g
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
7 W4 P% y9 m% c. J) M3 k9 c; DI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
/ m0 V4 {" n+ ]  Q. U, u/ m/ ]In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?9 u1 w( d) t, f. p7 X* U) K  |8 V
Intoxicated then feel cold,7 X; S* ?1 Z% r6 n6 s
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.; x) d7 s" ?" A
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
- F$ y7 {/ v' y( I2 t$ `/ d/ I. [The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?' x3 e+ d! s* G$ x1 d! g
Why I am always hoodwinked!) b. G! _( P5 l2 V" ~! @9 M4 u. f
I have told myself many times cautiously ) p  q8 W) U4 M
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
6 r7 o* P6 C7 Z# _4 W, n2 P+ XThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
( r0 w6 g5 F& O& x4 h2 Y, HWhy can`t I take it easy?3 P- ^/ P+ a% t! ^# ~/ e2 ]
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!; A' f: ^3 R6 Q! e
When the quiet night comes
3 X0 M, u2 b& L& Zyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
& U+ {5 e# |( _, |The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
/ I: C5 f! _) |* W8 GYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,0 p( n8 h7 k# z# c7 ]8 G8 l
light the dark corner in my mind.  @- H+ \' }- K* n7 R) |$ v) H/ {
I feel a bit of cozy., k  K6 p( z5 P7 S8 T3 i' x
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
' a7 e- |# }8 H, [maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
9 ^6 Z) X) [. E/ U# S% @8 H" |& kI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
: P( E, ], _- y; W; C) y* `but accompanying with the time passed
; q+ N& `/ q1 K2 k( G" JI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,% ^* ?* O7 N1 h- [
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.7 C7 `+ U, Y+ O* d) Y
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
9 P% d8 v. m) `2 p6 P+ Xonly feel gracious for your existing,& _& n( Z* Y) g! C0 R4 X7 z0 V
onlt want to do something for you.9 ]) h" j8 T  }5 g* R6 s
Every time when you meet me
8 a) z& O+ x8 g# F7 B* y' pthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
" \+ w: u( G; C) {) k8 J! ~) fbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere- s, k+ z6 O( p
That live in my heart.* Q. J+ T- S! f, l+ K
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
! e; e: _4 b- }/ ]0 T; tEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice  p& ?" b0 Z  a# @5 V
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
; @5 x- B2 h; _! EThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land. x$ S  G0 f1 W" {% w6 \, Z
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.' r) W8 o. z% w8 t4 A1 O$ J
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
* h1 k3 j2 k: D% z1 v+ jespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
; L* N4 u8 g% P# tSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy - q' u" ^  i! {6 G/ B1 [$ z; t
only waiting for you quietly
; @" t( n: u1 L- a2 Q* Tjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
; e& ~7 ~9 C1 A4 [2 o" W$ x" kI really want to ramble in the small rain with you 4 ]& U, Y0 r6 [  Y
and enjoy the rain washing together
* h7 [9 w$ R# m4 I- T; K# @4 Jor rush to a film
  p' q# C- ~6 S5 c( B) g4 `  Ior listen to a music quietly.5 @# u) R/ a/ @& U6 }& T* B1 x! v
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
; m, v" M8 m$ h7 a/ dIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other," r: B: g. L0 Z" W" ]  I
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
+ _  r$ N4 G# m/ H9 I9 I, FThat is enough.
& P0 {" k0 i. u- y( iMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,$ j+ L# b8 g! Z( Y( s8 s/ u- R
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
0 h5 S+ ^; z0 q7 w- a2 hthe same as my missing.' I) h  b2 b$ ^
It comes a little bit of verdure.! ]7 u: ^+ g  S# m$ c5 y) T. w
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
) k3 E4 q3 d/ }1 athen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.9 S. w5 r4 A: \9 p2 b
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.$ e" o9 i4 d( L5 U" J  a
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
  N9 Q) n5 U9 E3 w8 U7 Z4 o( |4 Q2 [At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,/ `; t' i" W+ q) a
then I will have all care and ardor.5 A  h. h# o# S- X/ ^. C
Shall we walk arm in arm?  ^3 Z/ t! \, E, ~0 }
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
: r& `; c  \  Z( w* m8 Q+ F4 zLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.4 R2 g( Q# r* Q) v* V3 J
I am still the same person of yesterday.
; E6 V( [7 ]: R) vUnchanged name, unchanged I.
" U) `) ?' }5 U0 z6 VSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 2 R! Z) T/ J# U) `
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
! m, ?' ~/ v$ O+ c, J2 w; ]" P1 rMore or less,
1 T0 w# t3 w$ Z% l/ u8 d( v a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.- C( a, r* z1 s- {1 N3 l
% i  V! u# ]* i; f
Summer easily slips away
2 u8 n! B  I& l! ?Those long lost hot nights
$ w3 H: h/ t! Q2 F2 P9 K/ b can only be found in the old days.
- t) c9 [+ g6 D8 }' z. z4 N6 ?7 y* l* L. n+ l  }, r
Cats jumping over the window sills,
5 E2 r) K, h: m* g' Jchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 8 E; H7 Q1 Z7 }' \% `. \) D
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
' W8 D1 n' U! `' }% ULeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
4 B; N8 r; [& _! K& q! P5 yI am still the same person of yesterday.2 _; ~% S. E* N
Unchanged name, unchange ...
% X3 [; i/ ]) ~; e) F+ |4 y
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表   F; z7 y( O7 T% y- T
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
0 L. e0 A; {; f2 z0 U. qLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around., d% a& B3 V4 |2 g  f4 `# p
I am still the same person of yesterday.$ ~9 q6 v# x. @. c" f# c" Q. ^/ w
Unchanged name, unchange ...

9 I6 W  t+ p1 X2 bi like it.
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