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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,& ^0 ~7 ]7 V4 l; g$ t8 x8 h
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
3 S& t  K* }) ?1 |& p零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . / r- x7 G3 K: s, ?) K
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.. y6 y0 k" \. O, h  k2 `
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
% B8 w( {* {& R眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.: R+ J. z  j) n
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
, x/ l& i% f  O( P8 C. l1 T0 v猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
; b( A/ Z: P* T8 r( E! K$ H就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence./ w' w6 u  y2 j+ n$ S4 j
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及& U4 Q1 h/ ]2 r: u
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。" \2 r- _; D+ E4 Q6 R3 i8 a; I( d
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
  {! e" d0 Q0 o: o. F$ T昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
' j% V+ H+ n7 B( {& S7 @# _, p想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
# e$ H4 W) o# p" Q最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
4 ~7 P* e2 n$ d$ I5 }4 \寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
+ ]( ^; q" D0 d7 R4 D8 X醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.( k& _3 w! c0 M0 \8 w  \! }
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
8 A9 g/ ]: j* |0 O4 m最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.  R1 g/ S% Y( N6 t2 h2 W7 ?
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?  G# _* U- c, W2 y: ?
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….. K! A- @" E7 W& x
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
+ V( P2 }2 v6 f+ e不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.( y3 o1 f* z' _9 J6 ?
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,   Z+ j; u4 D1 u- @+ O6 y: r
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?- Y' m" F4 K5 v6 M  O" Z- }
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
5 J1 [1 `! J$ }, f永难平息的泪
1 G/ m) j. F2 r1 u1 d) {4 k3 u每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
( d) e* [- U% f~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes./ e  z: r% }* p' H) O. w5 }
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.2 f1 f9 a* p( k- K: K4 ]( ~1 b% P
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,0 i3 {( E8 s1 z
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
! W- d; w4 l) s7 q一抹微笑;: |( t6 g# z$ {( e' j
一个手势;
" _( ^# t- h  k3 k4 K) A" W一片话语,8 n6 x% D; S' u7 j: N3 r
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、, z. @/ |; U& t. h& P
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
- q5 N' G7 X% a( s心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.- M3 D# d/ w" `/ D% A: x# M5 |
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling+ H+ ]/ t8 D9 S
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
  ^, v2 f9 U& V9 _1 I7 I: z起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
) \. f! p+ f* P: z9 s& ]4 b我并不以为然。
' h; n% [: d3 {& M- V# c7 L4 D可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
- x; R, }9 |% d  [. R* |* ^慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
( G+ T" L  g+ u% t' z被一种情绪所左右,
/ w/ ]; e  Q+ y9 v总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
; Y8 W' q7 U( L3 ?$ s# i) a/ y即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you2 [$ X; @) j( W) s1 Z
也不问我是否喜欢你,4 I- [6 }' d; J! {& ?( D
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
- O3 S6 K" g8 p5 g9 o只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
& t% o$ z1 ]! D5 |- {3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
8 }' b! C3 O* i心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
3 M6 u3 e% x$ o, N1 \4 w然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
, V8 |5 Z1 K  t: q8 {0 o# c9 ^你的身影已化成一种氛围,
! J, c- u8 u2 ^! P记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.8 m$ [" R. }+ @8 m
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 5 ^, b- Q: s5 y* |% O, r+ k7 o" a6 o+ A
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字* \5 k6 R8 O" q9 l8 z: h# M
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,8 ~; A5 Y3 _" Q
一种声音,and your voice
6 e* g+ [6 _9 Y3 g- J也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
" @! {2 f+ g" _4 n/ Y: R掺杂著幸福的感觉。$ R* O) ?$ e, n# l, I3 x& v
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
# I! n( h( o9 G2 T7 i. {象雪花般撒落在我的心田," u/ v4 U8 v, }2 ]* b, k
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
; y0 f( ^' J0 B3 s  D/ w2 @纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
5 @0 E3 ?2 s+ C0 s4 l你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss  H* U) g  `# u( d/ {& r
有一个能够让思念的人,
4 N5 ?2 `1 E( Z+ B7 S4 {其实也是一种幸福。  y" k' C$ v- h' n
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
- K6 `5 f8 t; [# h! r柔柔的海风,
- h5 }5 U7 K+ b/ ^( ?* R6 Z; w甜甜的夏天。) K  M1 z0 U9 f7 j  l1 [7 M
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
1 ?4 \9 A6 @& }, W4 F只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
& p. n; X0 S8 V% k仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.6 y  I( J9 A5 }7 X7 S
想和你有共同的情结,1 [: y+ z) s; d
共同的心愿。3 A) `# M+ N1 G, ~/ j6 j: G
% _* C8 w" e. I: J: v
( Q) Y' _  i" I) h) p$ t
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
+ Y4 ~+ P" Y* D' V% f9 J一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
9 z) I* C! D' V! d或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
6 v# x; B' F, L' `2 t2 E0 c( P或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.& K! `: a( V' ?' ]* ^* L
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?' O3 w6 Z9 {# M1 E9 T! d
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 9 I8 w# _0 s* z2 `/ P% S. |; R3 h% o
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
- R3 d8 ~+ t- b或是轻轻的一吻,
/ H. p* S8 a. ~9 |- H) i再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』- Z. b0 w$ g8 x2 G
就足够了. That is enough.
. Q' o5 B! ~" d( w( S; K8 Y这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! / ]0 z5 U9 k$ F" f5 D  t
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.& v% n4 Q6 [" J9 T
萌出了芽,
  u& s1 }. H) _  I2 I! C一如对你的思念,the same as my missing6 W& R- m& E  `' z+ p. Q, Q
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
) h$ x2 F/ c+ a% u4 g# p如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
' H5 C- E- L# z% D" s' L能够牵著你的手,% V/ C' F3 Y! f1 a5 P( P1 k
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.* _+ F9 D2 L; `8 z5 Q
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
3 h; D. r0 a% t6 `慢慢地细读,4 e3 }9 E! q* W: K4 A
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
& R# U* {$ r) r, F+ a9 s在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me . r$ F$ T: {% L4 U# K
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor , z% b' j" o" ^. b* g9 u8 ~
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:- Z$ p6 L& g9 U( A! S) @8 `
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago( u/ {) D. C" o! M) m# m
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.% J5 x; D! R5 z
change to:lacked" U: |9 u, b$ m
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.9 {4 Y3 @% Z% u0 T
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
8 x. N' b! n# S2 S/ E 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
: z' c! F* z6 J: O$ T4 d- F& U改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.# w* y4 \5 E4 I1 Q; C
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. - l" E/ w3 a' w( e7 \* n, J" p
该为:throughyour hands.7 G) T& a( Y: @
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。- P% E1 S' C$ |; h' \
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
! f: z0 k! [, w2 U! V8 b: C9 ~# S至少比我强。8 |) U& ]+ q3 o
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... + a! C! f+ x* L: f0 Q5 B4 g) Z
- b- t  c& b8 {' p
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
( @+ {0 F' e6 e/ [4 |后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了./ U- U) j/ v( ?0 {7 ?& M4 ]+ C
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
* ~7 ^7 u9 z% p' _. h( @2 T* @前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
& b4 n% E. |, y1 s$ D0 M. v+ bEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.' i5 ~' e  V+ s% Y# Y
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.$ L# [$ N: E% C
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
% X2 l3 L9 S5 i# hThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking., f1 K3 G' f' U  C" u' T
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
8 h8 Y; X. C' F% Q8 ESummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
$ W( {8 }  T: y, {% o( M  j; ?Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
; N) J5 R$ p8 X8 D' Olike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence." ~, W! y8 q8 ^  \9 [
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.2 d$ X- P- f4 w, c0 c- e  i3 D; ~
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
3 N* [% \& G+ U7 RThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
( g' Y7 V5 [3 H  t4 tI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
2 C/ z9 n- ^$ i' ]0 v' r) @/ _I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
0 _. w. ]2 t- HIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
' {& L, Y5 P2 K. }Intoxicated then feel cold,: t- q( I9 _5 v8 p5 _+ v' e9 M
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.! A5 U( M7 L7 K: \3 l
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
0 m$ n6 k4 ~3 A5 kThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?4 n0 x- B7 {# Q+ k! }6 l$ B! T, j
Why I am always hoodwinked!
5 ^( h% P. J* ~. h2 Q& N; y8 jI have told myself many times cautiously
; M( [  J  v) i( x! Kdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.- ]& g# N) n/ e# R4 z. ~
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
0 z; P8 c3 e" w& ]" G+ x) QWhy can`t I take it easy?
+ T7 S5 h. C7 ?7 o( qHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!7 F3 y( e+ P9 d- r9 t
When the quiet night comes! ^+ h8 B: X5 G* m. k' m8 x4 ~
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
( h6 _$ [; r! eThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.8 j0 f1 ^! }; D6 q8 K2 L* ?
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,2 \5 M2 {; X  j: m0 K, N& G
light the dark corner in my mind.
/ }4 q* E, I, e1 y/ A+ U% v6 H. ^I feel a bit of cozy.
( \: f) W0 r5 v6 A. F" q+ H; vThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
* j4 U9 I* S# a4 f7 A* }maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
6 @+ ~' _+ K9 z4 v5 |I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
/ \5 _# ^1 [# M7 P5 E- xbut accompanying with the time passed) c. a4 D$ ?7 K1 n# i
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
" [" ^  l* H+ l' Xalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.' ]2 A% g% `8 ^( _: m8 o7 x
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
! V7 O% B' D3 Xonly feel gracious for your existing,1 f% I% g, M/ L- u% Z
onlt want to do something for you.
7 ?, ~0 _3 A! ^6 JEvery time when you meet me
4 ~( ]5 p. }7 W( Kthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,0 B5 l7 @2 H. |. Z* n0 F. |
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere. p' T/ r  ?  @6 S8 P
That live in my heart./ c5 m; P: D2 V5 M2 _! B8 j0 H, D
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
1 ^. c% |; m. L# x9 ^Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
6 @+ g4 n  H) m" F* bmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
' Z' [1 Q5 I# c5 V  qThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land& O% F. [; {. B' T8 T0 B: ~1 f! f- O6 e
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ f! {' I2 Y( d* Q' E% n( vDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,& x$ Y) ]: Z" t6 s2 |
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.4 E7 q* B# V: A- S
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy . X' Y$ J4 u5 N! A) Q, g2 n
only waiting for you quietly4 I9 x% D* Q8 ^8 {
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.* F: q$ A' G8 X( U% i; O
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
. \$ f9 z3 \7 B$ ^and enjoy the rain washing together
) u5 j: E: O) Z* i* @) I, zor rush to a film9 A; n, c$ d' e. O. F0 c
or listen to a music quietly.- T, Q) _; N: U9 ?, i+ J( w3 G
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?# j# Y- I5 z' u4 u7 K; i# ?/ t
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
4 ^. }, |. d1 d" Y" Q/ osmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
" L& T2 c+ ^/ h0 L0 p, X" SThat is enough.
" D* q$ I( n1 \2 ]Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,. {# y& ~2 t/ h) p! R
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,  k/ o. ?* G$ O0 `& H2 S4 x
the same as my missing.2 d/ i3 d: W! p  `; \
It comes a little bit of verdure.: c4 x& ^- E7 A
If, If some day I can touch your hand, * L3 U( h0 X2 s; |
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
  U3 O' W* |" TLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
# l4 R# ^$ N- n6 `) R3 \I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul., x( h0 V& b4 e! W' ^6 B
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,. F, v- k3 K7 V/ f) A
then I will have all care and ardor.2 H  e6 d; L* d5 L
Shall we walk arm in arm?
5 _% v" M$ b# X* H+ t8 q' S呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.8 ~. i3 N: v: z7 |' g8 x
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around." W! E# j% S7 g; J: I1 d0 v5 k
I am still the same person of yesterday.+ o3 Y; K" e2 G  ~# \# o# s
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
; s% q+ @. @1 w$ F- MSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
( s' X6 p  l3 x( [  g9 TLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.* |% A) j3 i' |2 u+ x0 \
More or less,
( {! V$ |8 G9 r0 }( ^  R: D a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
" E* l3 i. Q6 c5 X8 R% u8 X
$ _5 l  Z) Z' f( @  G9 B% QSummer easily slips away
1 U' @0 _4 l! }( t- q5 }Those long lost hot nights
  r" h2 D( F7 l" ? can only be found in the old days.
/ Z! ~! p  R, x& {/ e" X1 ^, `' T3 P6 n/ x: _, G. A! f
Cats jumping over the window sills,
2 m4 ?+ J: V6 Z2 Z, X! M# schasing around in the breeziness.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
, ?; Z5 r$ }4 _Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.' P+ S+ }; Z) m  V  R$ _
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 H8 y; s9 e* w# I% w* `6 `
I am still the same person of yesterday.2 N2 P4 v+ c8 Z6 h8 N
Unchanged name, unchange ...
& A+ w+ h4 [1 u
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . ^4 ?& t# G) j' d
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% U* V, d3 T* k  ~Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.4 c7 E+ [6 p8 v0 x
I am still the same person of yesterday.  W7 C2 G3 l* \) ^! ^9 k/ a
Unchanged name, unchange ...

( @; @- l* N. d/ s2 N7 vi like it.
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