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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
0 q2 K5 ]- |1 G,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
9 U  a4 Z: `% J- B零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . . c5 \+ U) G% _" |* B% t$ c- J) f
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
" a3 p* [+ E1 x0 |$ ~梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
, C8 J- E8 M5 @0 y7 c9 P/ @眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
+ X4 G$ J. s3 m夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.3 o" P! R3 @& a
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool./ W* t7 C8 Z7 {
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence./ A. g" I: Z, |- p( }9 b% }& k
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及: d* N- E& p) H9 b! E. I) Q, C
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。" t, \/ }, V' H9 @" A
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
6 J/ v, J3 b+ S# W! M/ \6 U# J; O昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.; w+ r5 {8 N- j9 `5 l
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.5 F) t$ ^$ H2 N' q/ }  y, x
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. % Y# a9 e8 m1 r' d; ~
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
- ]. e$ X  n. \3 n3 w, b3 j9 T% a醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
" A: x0 Q) D+ ?6 I5 a* n) F迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
8 Z0 R! W4 [7 w  o  }- B3 f0 T最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.. D! s$ Q3 G5 m! I1 [2 B) M+ p
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
( {8 q0 o  B' e% u2 DWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….* J) m7 M; b) h$ f
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously% F  K# t* u" u% ^
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
, C3 o! o2 ?1 O( b多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
' T, Z. Y8 P' G  U  g为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?$ K( C  t1 H' n# n9 y; C; R
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!; {1 |1 ?$ e1 i! f: v& j
永难平息的泪
+ Z' |5 O% y" d9 x+ X每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
$ D& `  ?* |: u3 \+ t6 x2 O3 p, }~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
+ n" o0 a6 H8 d当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.% U! T  o0 I7 M- S+ J
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,! m( V- q, z1 A1 V
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
5 Q' L( g+ y% T一抹微笑;8 B7 _9 H. e  F2 x0 w0 n) Q
一个手势;
4 r& b/ ^2 [4 M( X一片话语,0 w" o! `6 A0 l2 ~  P3 h4 l1 c7 N
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、# R% C2 ]) I. l2 B  D
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
! N* F1 g4 y! e3 T7 @心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.; y, ~  @4 Z2 M; p  S6 ~/ w
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling' b% j; f: ?) V, t9 q# _
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..- y/ I- }: n; L5 n; [' W. k; s- p
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
3 x: T8 q. A6 S8 y+ }- y7 ?: Z我并不以为然。
% Q7 C$ {3 A1 a. o3 s" i可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed * H' M% d1 E9 X! ]4 ]' O3 k
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
( U* z1 l8 ?- J: V' p% P被一种情绪所左右,0 M4 a1 p# s& t- |* W, t3 Y
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .5 |5 \8 O: K* c) T$ D6 y; Z0 k+ J' r: h: Q
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you$ H% e+ ]  a) A) c5 Y2 Y& |
也不问我是否喜欢你,8 a# k6 Z' r) ]
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
- N- A( W- O# r- Q只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you2 N  h5 V- M- g4 H+ I, ~  a
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
& N6 S7 n7 P, s( f0 ~; L5 I心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil9 F1 H+ i2 B' |- o. {
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere " D! J& C% J, [+ a
你的身影已化成一种氛围,' F  e9 y4 b0 F# p$ I
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
  C% F. W: p9 d6 ^6 ]你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! - G2 H) Q+ x& x
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
/ C( q/ j+ T8 E哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,) s* k0 z6 C, j- q, U- c
一种声音,and your voice0 s5 L$ E- |5 ?. w) r
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.! j- T& r5 M9 d* I
掺杂著幸福的感觉。7 i0 Y$ Y4 }* C
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land0 u7 l+ U$ P2 f
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
& l1 ~8 k7 K6 v7 f) }3 o  |倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.: P! r5 r8 o$ y4 A8 C3 O) x# t
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。8 b( n  e$ i% B
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
! m+ p: Y1 }4 ~6 ?3 j有一个能够让思念的人,% E- O' Y+ w3 E4 C; F) ~
其实也是一种幸福。" t5 A. {3 o  v6 ~6 q5 r% U# b- {& M
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
8 g7 K% x% ~8 A# u) u& l柔柔的海风,
) B% P* z" O! Z- h# d2 \# _( ]甜甜的夏天。( z* g1 a  l* v
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
; d. o1 z' j" F+ w只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.+ t9 Y( k" K4 R; d4 E9 o
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
5 b8 m2 X" S, l6 s想和你有共同的情结,
( R( [! L) g# P( H- e9 b5 f共同的心愿。
# X7 Y) d( n+ s& X5 z& s) v
) N4 Z3 u' S' U5 {$ l# \
) K; T3 b: s  H) l  {好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you% d+ _- Z; Q8 V
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together0 V" B. Y$ m, h
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
3 Q/ V9 g5 {* t: }8 W- o或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.. s( D6 `' ~# c- ?0 M+ i% E
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
: h/ q7 [6 q" D$ ^我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
; {6 D! \. D6 K9 y浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
0 W! h) O8 E$ y3 M% t0 `或是轻轻的一吻,
* E  M( L- s# c' u2 A! P( X再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
; e  J  b- ]' s: W就足够了. That is enough.
- A2 G5 w; P" n* y/ g) A' s3 i& t这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
8 s- K: I3 }9 ]. j. W: d( b3 Z终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.( J, o# D# y$ R* J8 \
萌出了芽,
7 G) Q1 c* ]/ p8 W) ?! W3 M一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
6 B3 y6 P7 {" R6 Y浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
: b. \  V3 V3 U& @9 p2 p0 l/ S如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand1 d, a  D5 _: @0 H0 p
能够牵著你的手,* [4 \! h0 M+ \( c2 S
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
) C( b+ ?$ R6 h让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 1 s( D# q- h9 c8 r3 Y5 r! U
慢慢地细读,0 I4 P  m/ Z9 T# f5 t4 h7 @
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
4 N8 }2 T' J8 S7 \; _在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ' z9 n/ o$ @( ]4 _6 T
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor " A# w, Y' i  G# q. z+ d
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:$ d& p8 k3 a: b1 X( F
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
& H  {2 Q3 c: }$ T. {眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
7 m" O) P) B1 e3 i4 b( c' Ychange to:lacked7 D* x6 j1 s( P& y
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
  ~9 n/ @8 }/ ^. _: D( ^6 TCats often played at the whole hot night.
' K$ M$ I' L) U4 z5 B! h 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及4 @5 m4 a! e; m, G8 B5 d
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.5 M) F9 @2 c! [2 D1 F. H: J- a
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
8 W9 ?# q' T& l7 _( v. r2 Q7 T该为:throughyour hands.. I" n: p  l- T4 Q
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。6 ]* ?; N9 s3 K
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
5 ^1 Y1 \1 u- j- D/ M5 n% j至少比我强。" o# h$ p( O( C' h6 F% B7 b
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
% d. [5 o! U  l6 Z, q8 ?+ J3 M; n! f) U" o- Q  t' \
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。& c' q  h2 h/ N# r
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
! j+ Q( J5 K. S5 f4 I  X6 i谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.2 ?3 K% [8 F4 Q- Y+ u
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
* |% @# H6 Q3 d7 A7 P2 u5 n- tEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
$ Y5 ^' @3 W) X3 |' h' kPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
; c" I# Z1 A" |1 d Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
  \1 l0 e% P/ N$ ^& qThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.: g4 p" ~/ }5 U4 E
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.2 y# z; e' g7 z) T
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:8 }& }; z$ d8 x4 C) Q
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
5 w+ m* q4 Z& S* ]5 T) plike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
: T$ g% a7 Y9 HI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
) ?; g. K3 z1 g3 g& h1 vThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.+ M1 i% C3 f- y& p8 J
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.4 j2 m. \  t. a- R
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
; V; v/ z5 |6 ]( gI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
, i5 r$ I4 M/ _% a: cIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
. Z, O8 E( m) W( J% UIntoxicated then feel cold,  N3 y! W4 q7 E  h
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
. O$ _  F  U9 b# `3 q' ZI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
  @$ c0 W0 ~3 \1 PThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?8 o5 h3 D4 k6 k, H! }% q( h
Why I am always hoodwinked!' n9 {+ _' n9 _* _
I have told myself many times cautiously
2 Q# T' X9 `& Idon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
6 Z' U7 W1 e1 B9 J0 P4 Y( Q- uThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.1 Y7 e: ]+ U" ~) j5 W# W
Why can`t I take it easy?' Q4 S9 s5 R! d+ }; ~4 C2 k
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
% Z# y6 y+ y: W$ wWhen the quiet night comes# e% R! C7 L5 l5 J' x( a" @% m* k
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
) g! S, f( i" O9 P% i" YThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
# s& k& _$ k0 H* T. g% c# \Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,7 z: I' A, |. z. V* w
light the dark corner in my mind.
# s, V; A% H8 l  f5 q$ X9 EI feel a bit of cozy.
/ }! e! ^. `# o* \- O% A! HThe deep attached to you in a twinkling7 N& a  _# V; c7 [
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
* @- T0 N8 v/ RI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
. W  {7 {3 K. f! M: i" m/ Nbut accompanying with the time passed
1 f! i/ k3 w/ V6 u# Z- w1 B4 I2 T& @I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,+ G* u, C% w+ O8 o% P4 K1 @
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.0 J' ^; r( k( I7 m6 g" f' ?
Without asking if you like me or if I like you0 ]" b5 Z7 ^, y- \+ L4 {
only feel gracious for your existing,
5 F. V' f8 p# u& s4 Eonlt want to do something for you.
5 v1 m' l1 _6 g, x! m: g$ D+ m9 F# ?Every time when you meet me# a4 O4 Q* u' W% n' {
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
7 k% y! _0 h. L; [  fbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
& u4 y! f$ b& p/ ]6 K( oThat live in my heart.
/ I4 u( U' P/ P3 ~$ c# cDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
6 [, M7 X# a/ i, H: |# F2 kEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice6 `" O+ Z3 q: Y
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.+ n- M& u$ w8 k% q- o* @
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land% Q1 H$ _; }/ i* n1 U/ P
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.3 F( C3 u' J+ w: b! p# L
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,. f6 O5 b6 B: h9 `: J5 h  w
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.6 v1 t9 Y! R8 [0 {
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
3 C& N- p2 a% ^( F9 Conly waiting for you quietly! a, l' j0 ~9 V
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
, n: C# T1 }4 O6 M1 r* VI really want to ramble in the small rain with you + Z+ V$ J. {" W: h# W" N, h
and enjoy the rain washing together
' D( H4 X/ |* [. jor rush to a film
' \* K& q* m7 }: h; t3 dor listen to a music quietly.
1 S; X; c9 o% `Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?, ~4 j' X8 ?. E
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,  @: m* ]9 z6 e0 z8 x# U
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".- l" A* }* ]5 ?9 ^6 z
That is enough.5 k& B9 ?1 ?" [# B; z
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,) B% j" ?7 @$ G. W
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,' o% ~" W* j3 |
the same as my missing.
. E0 Y0 L# `# nIt comes a little bit of verdure.
  `! V9 p0 a; G3 D2 l  q% V! ~" eIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
9 f4 k: ]0 l( c0 ythen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
+ v8 T  R, `4 I  _( \. w2 eLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.& }3 _# B0 ]: N9 Q9 D
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.  o+ [6 x8 V3 R7 Y
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,5 |% G# E% _8 ^; T% C
then I will have all care and ardor.
) {& H: ?: U+ R' m1 ~2 |Shall we walk arm in arm?! ~" Q6 N" X3 Y- g5 o
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
4 }" e) G. q9 B+ @1 G2 m. ALeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 i7 A3 a: F: K* o
I am still the same person of yesterday.
9 c4 n  Q7 ]/ _# b2 R( KUnchanged name, unchanged I.: \' l8 C1 W/ D9 U% a/ j7 S1 y
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
$ C( V0 A* `/ A6 BLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
$ `: E1 @+ t$ z+ b9 k+ C: dMore or less,* [8 X/ o& D# u5 b& O6 C5 ~
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
2 B# S9 M" [4 `! t9 C9 C' x& P- L) ?$ O; j& i
Summer easily slips away) a+ Y1 @% _' [; m; E, _' F( w# g: y
Those long lost hot nights
/ w1 n0 v1 c  A$ U+ J# f/ S can only be found in the old days.
* `7 D% _* k1 g3 M. b  [! W2 z. N2 j( t7 ^7 ~4 N3 p! l
Cats jumping over the window sills,
7 Z( ]6 v: y2 R7 achasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 / |- }( v# a8 C, X/ a
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.3 N% R1 r* X: d. W% i$ x+ M
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.; o$ k* W0 ], {$ Q# R" ?6 t
I am still the same person of yesterday.3 N% R# U8 S. E6 F  e; T6 V! i1 D: D5 ~  D
Unchanged name, unchange ...

2 x! L7 O. l5 S3 O" U2 u! J
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
! H/ S, h& j: y7 ^0 MGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
9 S9 s3 C$ |& ?! c1 U# f$ \6 ALeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
9 B3 N2 \0 M" `- kI am still the same person of yesterday.
5 i$ B9 u( _1 nUnchanged name, unchange ...
& {/ S( F* X9 r7 E8 L8 i
i like it.
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