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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
( p) {. n+ w- Q6 Y4 b,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
" A5 Z* H! N7 Q) [& z6 {! g- Z零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
+ Y0 H* T" q3 g0 |' W7 W+ f* ~; z现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
" \: U0 Q5 h% L' p8 @梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.9 R+ ~8 `, R& J& `  g+ n
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
8 D( z! f3 X% T$ c' o夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.- c* M2 P: ]3 ?7 v) u+ \) f/ i; f
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
, G' Q  C# R6 ^% |9 l就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
% z6 I0 J/ |' ^; @  @3 o  L( e我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及& L: j$ \# T: X2 @; @
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
1 w. P5 C$ u" o- X# P( }7 a' L1 B世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.0 X) O, a; J$ c& M3 I; H. P
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.& t0 E- ]8 m( [/ U; d5 c/ a8 w
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up., \: h, E) B5 V% X. q
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
3 a' K8 D  A9 h. ~* c3 R9 m寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
, J+ [! |3 T  y5 }2 h醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
5 u. Q0 w, C" ~# [3 t6 N迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.7 H. C, m; u7 U! W/ y( d
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.$ i( D. ?5 J) E% M( K
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?1 i' }. p( o' h6 W% r5 L7 m& l
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
7 z; r% k) g9 X3 I( I8 }多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously$ G3 q* P/ {! M& r/ C  N
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.+ w, I" Y; H* o* S
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
, D4 c6 L" n: S  \为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?: N8 q" e+ Q: Z+ Q; i  e5 B6 G
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
8 m  c+ u) W- t7 C4 h; Y; d" M永难平息的泪8 [% b: A7 O2 y, x- f9 g' p
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes1 K/ d0 \: v4 M5 b0 v' I3 o
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
6 M; N: {2 [: [当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
& l) P6 V* t( s8 s; e- g* Z, k+ Y8 ~让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
; Q. z- o7 {+ Y5 \* ~你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
& I$ T! s/ D" A一抹微笑;
( k/ D# s5 G* [$ d7 c6 d# f一个手势;& p% [" f! u- A9 T! c% A. C% B! C
一片话语,: g" T5 Q8 Q4 ]1 D  h9 s; u
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、5 ]  C7 R, {- y4 r4 E$ p2 u$ I( ^
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
2 ^: N- O' T7 u- B心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
; Z+ M" ]1 A, ]0 ]5 O这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
0 b( l- n. E% {* Y" {也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life../ Z6 i7 C: Y1 W7 ]) ]4 S: ^: ~
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
/ t, ?# K' Y# N: W. G7 }: o我并不以为然。
0 Z2 z) {# \( B) [8 i0 d' s' ]可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
) u, {  q) y8 _0 S慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
3 j) ?/ g+ q# n  q8 d被一种情绪所左右,9 ~% V# P; l+ ~. o; W$ `& V4 j  ?# L
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .$ I) x. O7 H% z
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you+ O$ m% B0 w" Z# c* \
也不问我是否喜欢你,4 ]0 \) A1 M- \( O7 j: C5 J
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.  b& ^0 w! Y) G& @
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
, a  `1 B4 M, T) w) v: w* {3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
& t5 E7 r4 @9 V# R, F/ |) Q心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
, R: j! x/ [1 I$ a然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere * G, d$ i& W6 U( w) D% O" _
你的身影已化成一种氛围,( N- @* r3 |- g3 a2 a( B
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
& L+ c' x7 ]8 T6 p你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
* @# d3 p6 O9 S7 s3 E: G随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字9 ~: j: q$ h; s- F
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,7 {6 V) P: z' @. P. O9 G+ R+ r( M
一种声音,and your voice
# w0 C4 r: l6 p6 ~% V! i也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
; T/ K. J7 C4 P$ z& P( g掺杂著幸福的感觉。
! n& D' E/ s# }% i8 F与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
/ W. s# |; @) J8 F6 x' e$ F& W象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
4 M) l* a& \% i1 n( v倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.! o. n: y5 v" `! s$ I" V1 A
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
% ^# B- {* p4 b, q, ~  A6 S你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
0 u$ O6 g' _( x有一个能够让思念的人,
7 `% V2 K3 n( o. m# r$ r$ j其实也是一种幸福。
' ^0 E. k& f$ d尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ; Q6 t2 a, [9 [9 k5 j7 }4 v
柔柔的海风,
' d9 [$ L6 I5 {/ B# G. M" v# c. P甜甜的夏天。
% u0 L4 d- l4 d% `一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy : L! t7 h/ `" z- f& i4 m0 F& I
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.6 S9 W$ G7 y" _6 C$ q: g6 |9 i; h) F
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
! U8 C# M* d. ~9 J" j* D想和你有共同的情结,/ p3 ~) T+ f2 ~9 T# {
共同的心愿。
4 y% o1 F& q% f* L) ?. v. w5 o1 t" b3 R" q/ e2 z; w

; a0 Q  x& Q. z2 C! Y( c好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you- W+ C$ O. b( R) I, \  O% a' Z
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
- Z+ e% m3 ^* H$ g或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film , @- G% H) w3 \6 ^- {
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly., p) Y8 D9 c  n' M- d5 i
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?/ M( l5 ]$ M. v
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 8 p- j8 F  s1 ?7 \
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
7 R% n) J! W3 |8 H或是轻轻的一吻,4 J5 {. k% r. _- l; I% O
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
) r& {- n$ Q2 p9 s6 b. }就足够了. That is enough.
2 C7 I1 W4 i6 Z0 U3 \. u这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! : c$ A$ }/ t1 w! b) L7 }4 l/ t
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.; r. U% M0 A5 k$ P) F8 i2 ^
萌出了芽,
# U7 n4 X. j5 ?: x5 h一如对你的思念,the same as my missing: J9 I$ I1 a4 B6 ^; i+ `6 ^3 q
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.2 y$ g# ]3 i& O( T: @, l
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
) i$ \% n+ w/ w$ k能够牵著你的手,# u+ e' L  V* B% {( j' J% L7 _
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely." b5 J2 s1 ^! v/ z) J" Q
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 6 I5 H1 R$ T0 A& |
慢慢地细读,# l  N4 o3 g! [9 N5 l2 v
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. & E1 h/ Q. t! q
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 7 G; ]7 M2 l& h& J9 Q6 ]
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ' h6 q2 V, e7 [; h
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:; x. m+ M2 [2 |: e6 W" C5 _
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago5 x) y8 s$ m# `, T3 R) ]" m( B
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
' g1 m- U. T8 u% i: N8 r; G# T; ochange to:lacked
. w+ g$ _: q# J- {6 |/ [猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.  b% p% d/ l4 c7 {( g: [2 ?
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
0 R" r5 O, B0 Q: O% p 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
  E5 s9 c/ b' Z改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.0 B  h+ V! g, }! K0 i5 J0 K5 x2 M
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
2 t* v, _$ E# I该为:throughyour hands.- `+ O' }( m, e6 b, g
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。  y, p& s, o. e6 K2 A
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。% c" s" E- i3 W# v% r8 L" q
至少比我强。
0 S. T. I4 S( S1 r; Q& b% ^偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
; j) S; T  P+ `0 P! g) V, F
8 _5 Z$ v8 n6 @  e2 Y7 X这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。4 `/ e6 A3 Y  U
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
6 L3 y# j5 M- l6 p8 [  @/ v7 @谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
+ b# |7 V! r" i# ^0 g前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:4 a' k; O8 c6 l
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
9 B0 x% e- e3 L/ HPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
& S' a8 I' |; ^3 o# @ Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.8 X% q% K9 C. L3 \3 l' Y% M
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.- ^- e3 ~# A, f+ [: a6 ?
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
0 g1 I0 I* G( b3 s# X. V. zSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:$ r# C$ e: e  w; f. J6 Y
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 6 N" N, V( ^! C  Q1 e$ q$ A# b) C
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
; ]1 P" o+ R5 OI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.  }2 f. q' \. ~+ G! h" Y
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
, I+ O) G3 u; e$ PThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
  R8 M" C, X- J5 r) pI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
( d" @% ?' O( [( @I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.4 H* a5 X, j5 s
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
- D- A1 q" z# S# z' kIntoxicated then feel cold,
  ~) {2 N# ~1 L* U8 \the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.9 R* L/ s# ~+ G/ I) B
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
* p7 h: q5 W" Q2 W- ^The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?% u* k0 O+ Z7 J
Why I am always hoodwinked!
; E; n8 x' s% ]+ ~; |# i' FI have told myself many times cautiously
5 f+ }# t. k) C5 e5 o: \! Bdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
4 ^0 D9 Q& N2 n3 SThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation." T/ Y! s3 {* k# {  l% c+ J8 z
Why can`t I take it easy?+ A% {. g3 }0 N5 h
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
# U( M, Z- N$ @6 ~: Z$ L+ m& m* BWhen the quiet night comes+ ^: Y: n1 ?" c7 Z
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.$ R+ r# u; C0 O
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
0 |1 O; b5 Q9 Y. cYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,+ i" ], K1 Z) U: a; g9 d
light the dark corner in my mind./ v2 C& m9 Q) }) W2 ?) D) |! ~
I feel a bit of cozy.# }) ?& @1 {- v) }% S
The deep attached to you in a twinkling6 \6 h, g0 e0 z. n; K
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
; N6 J3 S9 a, S( s. c* sI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,7 N1 Q* l7 e8 T$ a$ \6 }0 C
but accompanying with the time passed4 ~+ O2 U. c+ F+ `
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
6 \' Q5 Z" Y, U& q/ Y4 R2 Valways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
3 O* @" C- g2 ]+ y' W& jWithout asking if you like me or if I like you9 P: l) u$ `) J5 ~2 J  g+ n* Z2 T
only feel gracious for your existing,
9 F) }/ f6 R2 ~: P6 Lonlt want to do something for you.
/ T* A4 C+ q) W9 K2 VEvery time when you meet me
! X+ o# p7 z) C* T! mthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,4 D7 [4 _6 r6 r% S* B
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
7 P' i& l  ~: ?: [' M" eThat live in my heart.0 X9 ?+ w) D; G" O3 ^: v2 q
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
- v: |: @8 M1 q9 U0 `) c* m; FEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice4 x" c- O5 w8 d
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
  L% A$ d0 ^3 X) \+ LThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
3 S. x# i! g  T# w$ M+ u# `suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.; ^) J0 R. C( H# b7 A
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
. z/ N9 B, M3 j; I, H- T* H% Despecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
6 V5 W9 f! X' c4 S$ {4 O9 ASweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy & A1 s8 O9 h# E
only waiting for you quietly
) j- z, s% h5 s1 D9 j: v! jjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.* ~* E; I. P4 t$ S0 ]- \
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
& G" y" h+ C( o; Gand enjoy the rain washing together; N6 q- g: S/ y) A; D' y# j( Z
or rush to a film3 T/ ?6 r/ q* P8 J6 Q$ E" B2 x
or listen to a music quietly.
& K+ t" q% ]. }+ G7 mWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
  F8 i1 F7 `+ g6 _" \/ wIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,# }# L. z9 B! Z# b$ ^7 |; m
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
* Y* ?( J' @; @  f8 y, W' DThat is enough.
) }$ V0 W% r# t( R( v8 A4 _- zMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,  V% C( b$ M, j. ^( r
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout," U; ?/ P! u$ I- I, L- V! k
the same as my missing.
" I5 D. d1 I* U8 K3 Z4 e  t: {It comes a little bit of verdure.* p3 h' g: a8 u( p* n
If, If some day I can touch your hand, 7 ~$ S  ~1 W3 T' \# O8 i
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
1 ?4 U. D% ^' k$ u; BLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.: M: N6 h$ G5 P0 C( z. B$ i
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
+ S. c8 E9 f& n! {7 V6 l' lAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,4 M4 {5 J$ v7 t% L$ P& D
then I will have all care and ardor.
6 o' {( d) e" z4 c# _/ RShall we walk arm in arm?9 B6 T% A! |6 c. m5 c
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ _0 ~# m! F/ k+ _/ F, b* ?  A
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.! z5 ?; u: v6 q; t& w0 \. Q
I am still the same person of yesterday.8 f- x7 N1 T' F
Unchanged name, unchanged I.2 f1 x7 v! B4 k3 ~' u
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
9 B0 A- T. p: JLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
# c$ a% D6 W- g( B( N6 EMore or less,6 C0 F0 N" [1 B+ n- T
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.5 `; e* y3 i- J, k
8 i" K/ f5 j" H+ w/ P3 u
Summer easily slips away* B; h: Q% k; T' b# R6 h" \
Those long lost hot nights/ j; `% x) h3 m; E, `9 n9 J
can only be found in the old days. & B; `4 i  @2 T1 R- P

0 y$ g% {1 d) ~( v' J$ R7 B) f/ zCats jumping over the window sills,
) ~3 q: L. f0 A9 |) A2 Mchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 + `  ]) ~# A1 @
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.! z7 B1 J# K% e0 |% m9 c. Q6 L5 q' _
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.% h$ B8 q* M8 G" i! z# u
I am still the same person of yesterday.
( J' a4 {+ I( H- {: JUnchanged name, unchange ...

1 P+ c) Y" L1 x* [
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 - ?% _+ M* c6 C/ P- n' e
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
' ^% `( j. V7 M% d, |; U; M, kLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 [7 O, ?% S3 d/ p  C  D) X
I am still the same person of yesterday.
0 g. G! Q1 W" dUnchanged name, unchange ...

6 V& E$ Q- P- l- F9 Pi like it.
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