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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
, j! }; J% ?4 U/ m( i,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
: `! E$ P$ T; y2 E: R; F, I/ c& G7 J零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
7 k; X1 l+ t; k! x# Y现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.2 Z6 P7 w4 f+ V
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.% w+ l; D0 P! v0 M) [5 A9 ~# `
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
2 I' [; e5 \0 ?' c+ O夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.0 q9 I: I( [  q0 l; U" z; G& D
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
" f4 p% Y6 R! Y, b9 q# y2 o就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
8 w: d3 S' ~: [9 R( [我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及0 o0 `. P& k& i* ^
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。2 i% w7 G" T2 r
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
5 P, r2 m3 s9 v" l昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.. L9 l% Y& N* f5 {( K6 @
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
- E3 g2 D5 v" Y- g. o" F  ?: p6 j2 D最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
$ R5 L/ k* d: p5 H0 J$ A( h+ @* S寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?% [$ h8 R4 M! ~7 n2 V
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
* ^9 i2 ]/ b2 V! Z  Q迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.  d  W/ s0 _* A/ i! _2 S' P. y
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
; V$ q0 A6 I7 L  E! c多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?# i% `. {- r/ Y3 y
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….! b: {9 Q" [9 B3 _1 n3 A& z
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
0 [/ Y/ {6 y- Y1 k2 V' c+ u不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.- K2 d1 \; l: X9 _/ x. Y
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
  B; {. E2 z* a为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
2 i; s9 X- x, V- Q1 l8 w/ v多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
" O4 ?# P- ^  \+ e/ [永难平息的泪$ M9 O5 T% L, F; @
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes+ v) y6 V3 n$ |  E) Y
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
- k, D, p  k0 r) K' H1 C当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
5 k" c8 S3 L1 w4 |让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,3 m. ~' V& j8 g+ b' R4 B# i
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
4 v& r: l; S+ ^3 K一抹微笑;
% v7 Q  [0 {6 Q( }  [一个手势;
7 p  L  S) L, Y9 y4 G$ ~3 }一片话语,
* F3 x& \% ^3 [9 G愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、6 ?9 s7 {" Y  D( \9 r# h) J
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner7 t4 i" I+ \1 ^4 }
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
3 T* j* V% `0 o+ Z: h' o9 ^+ ^这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
: }9 A/ r& R  W6 }% d- F7 i; I也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
( {7 A# {1 }9 k! r起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
1 Z( ]: ?0 ]8 ^) @# s6 K( b我并不以为然。( h1 m1 K& }- L7 r6 a
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
# G& B: j+ Z6 z/ |慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
9 I. S3 i' u4 P: t. v被一种情绪所左右,! E* n+ V% T4 ?0 k/ V* v2 w- L
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .3 h5 u  ?$ a$ G
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
; C( N9 ~% C* Z3 y也不问我是否喜欢你,
4 q; U. X2 c) ]4 g7 \- l3 F  ^' \+ Q8 E对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.* q; g' x5 x0 ^
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
! t: |* L( N. F8 {3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
" `2 f4 x7 W6 i. a* C. c心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil( }/ T& r( N  @9 d0 _* B
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
. J: z9 f4 y# ?) t你的身影已化成一种氛围,
% H) I& ?: c" s* t, r记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
7 C, R" [: Q( M, F你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 7 t( n5 }9 y5 Z' F1 ^5 v
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字% [4 v7 x* D" g' \: C
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
3 x1 G* g2 y1 \% b4 C4 h7 W一种声音,and your voice
, M# D% y  J# P' f9 p5 d也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.& z8 X1 P9 m8 G: v9 d' r
掺杂著幸福的感觉。( i0 t0 `) G4 v" L3 E9 \
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land) J1 v2 d; W3 |' w6 K$ W, \3 i
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
" ^: T0 t9 B7 W: I5 Y# v3 A倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.# N4 ^5 [- s3 \0 u+ C. J3 N1 L/ c- b
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
8 P9 V: _' m, M8 S$ H2 X# |- K你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss) u& _2 [7 y- b0 [& b& N, W( @
有一个能够让思念的人,
1 Y1 e9 J  X0 D) q其实也是一种幸福。
5 V0 Q: \+ P6 F尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. $ {. |. W/ j6 L% t9 g
柔柔的海风,
5 y2 b. m$ p/ p! a0 i& |甜甜的夏天。/ D/ H  s! i% C
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
, `. P5 e8 @, h- G! o0 h只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly., ]% k2 P9 s4 h' B+ O
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
# P1 ], K( Q* N3 G6 q8 W2 b7 o9 H想和你有共同的情结,
8 W- t/ o, x0 T( {6 m: S! I4 ^共同的心愿。9 @- g, V) B' P, y* L: @, n
2 d2 n& P1 [3 ~* }' ~. v2 _

+ N1 r0 Y4 Y4 n/ J) L好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you& z8 V2 ~4 ^$ Z3 _! a
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together8 Q, @( L5 o# b' J6 B6 w
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
+ I5 e# S8 m! y/ S' }或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.9 [; j! J+ j) v7 I
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?) J7 y+ Z# ?2 i2 k
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, ; j+ k$ N1 v# o  ^4 n1 F
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
6 l: w0 |/ `- y) P或是轻轻的一吻,( S2 T- I2 y3 H+ p% J0 N, X: L
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』4 S5 i% p  H9 |& F, v; {3 D' }
就足够了. That is enough.' f1 P9 d! Z6 J& W! G4 K4 F' k* [
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 0 }6 }: {0 K- A4 T7 D( E
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
; t. l3 ]! @6 |, b/ j8 e萌出了芽,+ j) f/ E+ }2 |: o! D' Q( l. ~
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing  k( H1 i  p0 _
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure./ e+ u9 ^6 K1 p/ ^0 N
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand# |1 |) L7 `' o. r: K1 s( j  }
能够牵著你的手,3 p. s3 |2 f, X2 _6 [6 D- @
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
( D+ b/ {9 `6 ~' V3 d4 L让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
5 b% u% |  X: e( X% d慢慢地细读,
5 A8 ]# I; p* q, S) ~; i我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
# L8 Z2 A8 W* W8 T- D* G% H在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
0 ^' `; r5 s0 C: ~  w3 z我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor . Q( @; u# I4 I' r6 F5 M6 s
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:% c2 C" T, V! l2 i7 @  k" _) r0 f
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
3 q! u6 I2 w) r7 d% c3 w0 e. ?眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
# C! q: q  `& a* ~- S+ c- {1 Kchange to:lacked, ~& }9 c0 V2 E- R" n1 _$ f( O
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
, W2 }* C+ Z. W' O; I+ ~. HCats often played at the whole hot night.) Q9 N/ _% s3 |; t
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
$ K" F1 J( \$ Z* `% r改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.) a0 N9 \: A( \$ p1 o
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. $ a) j6 J4 z) D/ x# M& N- w% W( j6 f
该为:throughyour hands.+ h4 E2 H0 ?% A+ a
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。' A" Y% X0 S3 ~2 v7 {* O! t
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
: b4 Y( ~2 f1 i, J! p; s5 S至少比我强。
: z* C3 |+ S) E8 ]- u2 Q偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... & V, V5 ~5 v, V; b5 Z
2 c2 M# r3 s& B* M
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
3 C8 x& q/ V0 E! {3 H( a: d后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了., g' h4 Q  H, m: Q6 Y
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.% W; u9 b5 I  {+ M6 e0 _
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:" @4 M( B" L5 v. Q9 ~7 I
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.( l( w  g& f1 X7 [. e2 \
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.# c& r: y) p% _* M9 Y& p9 Y1 ]
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
$ z; B. ~& M9 u9 QThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.) @+ X( z/ P2 H- q6 O
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.2 f( t' a* Y' G
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:: h8 Y" A& f" c  q
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool   h1 m( s2 q2 P
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.) H/ {0 M* Q& _. f+ {) d! I
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
6 E; Q. \& v4 p* W/ f* WThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.- f# l, p3 v6 j: p3 }
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
' D  A5 R% W: v) a+ _I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.! S7 R9 z5 A9 {3 a" U
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.. r( V+ J% }9 C; Q
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?, O, D; ?" I: n  G
Intoxicated then feel cold,
1 Z" z& s8 ]3 i) M1 Z1 ?0 @the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction." R, X. w4 D: w+ B
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
6 _9 ?! i/ z( }6 X! R: n9 z6 qThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
( W5 p+ @# l+ x. u' e8 H+ |1 fWhy I am always hoodwinked!3 R8 ~9 w: u& r
I have told myself many times cautiously ; g$ b5 n( [1 U8 K: V
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.* ]/ }7 u) T) r) `* }8 p
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.- P$ v8 @; ^! W8 G
Why can`t I take it easy?* B# l' V) S  M5 Q( h/ K/ o- }9 E
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!) O& I8 @6 F+ U: z8 O" \* ^  A
When the quiet night comes
* S' k* ~$ ]" r0 G8 Myour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
; l' z) B- N7 D$ H, p4 L4 X4 o6 tThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.1 B8 S# D- @+ E4 Q
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
, g# f+ q. ?2 Alight the dark corner in my mind.$ m* i' C4 n& q* z8 f
I feel a bit of cozy.8 f" `8 s+ p; f
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
- r# [! T3 I/ Q9 J0 ~maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
! t1 R- {( ]7 T3 tI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
) A2 P; r7 d3 Lbut accompanying with the time passed
$ G9 M" f! w& N' s) R0 {8 uI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,$ w) l0 c. D# d9 t
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.& \% u) x2 ~: i' X
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
; R* k7 D; u0 z: Zonly feel gracious for your existing,
: k- ^$ V( C& q6 P( z5 Q2 c5 c; }onlt want to do something for you.4 ^* p% z: |! L; P+ I
Every time when you meet me
0 H( |" O  R0 G/ N( H) b! K+ |the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,& G' Y% g; ~- F) ]  r7 X
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
: J* x7 c% p" z" T: v' RThat live in my heart.2 E: E2 {1 ~. d
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
6 C2 }9 j0 f/ u  |; |Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
) ~6 r: l" [' ^6 mmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
9 Y" ]6 A$ G2 \/ T" dThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
" R' v( ?* h7 B& V' f* L/ O7 y9 r: J% |6 {suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.) |9 G2 f3 ~  s; I4 i0 S
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
, I! ]" ~# M  m8 ~! Bespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.9 t' L8 I$ h8 j- |
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
1 Q- c) O4 j8 \: l- [only waiting for you quietly1 F! O4 a8 W5 P: Z' m4 j$ s* v8 Y- Z4 O
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.# m* Z5 O5 ~* I/ E, S8 a! p% K
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
$ n$ _3 _- W% I% _! Mand enjoy the rain washing together3 ~0 t( m9 |3 B: V, j
or rush to a film
$ M, z" t  _: Z4 u& ?  H# vor listen to a music quietly.
; u* O8 j  F; b2 J, F- n7 fWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
0 i% u3 c8 f4 _If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
; y! C2 C/ h9 A+ s: T: v- D/ {2 I1 asmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
+ P6 a( M; Q% ]. O' U. tThat is enough.
/ q4 u& w& Q/ WMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,: ]) |" r! q8 c0 _) r
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
6 K. Z! Y7 Q% fthe same as my missing.
: R8 V: e: h& U, l6 s' T2 u' P! v7 lIt comes a little bit of verdure.* [: u# h( U- V$ b
If, If some day I can touch your hand, - R/ i# h9 n/ y% u# d3 A
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.* t5 |/ }6 P( C0 J; y3 C; \# O/ _
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.% v/ l: d& v2 p" H1 ?" K( \0 I  y
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul., ~( T8 K2 n! [0 d0 T6 Y7 g& k4 R
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,( }, V! I  W- C
then I will have all care and ardor.
% h% Y1 e8 A4 [6 O6 G/ |. hShall we walk arm in arm?6 }$ h6 I% {: Q& n: h$ l
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
! s0 u: E/ M: u0 K# {3 NLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.; g  h" w* Q# m6 K
I am still the same person of yesterday.: q+ C# N. ~6 J% |
Unchanged name, unchanged I.* o% J( u% m0 Q( J( }
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 3 q  a5 O% `9 q0 q5 e
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
# B! ^% ]  h$ }More or less,0 _7 Q3 S/ P- w: V$ S7 ?3 N
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
0 e# X5 `( n4 G/ T6 d: O6 q
7 a: f" a( j! S, ]/ e% HSummer easily slips away
( K/ a/ Q6 g8 a% ]5 U+ [Those long lost hot nights
; p7 _8 A4 {3 w5 s! i+ P* o" \. [$ e can only be found in the old days. ( x. F  o& n. r3 `

' m0 J6 [. w) V* p, x2 i3 Q& bCats jumping over the window sills,
* a: F( r6 A- r/ e6 ~chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
8 ?- ]" w; Y$ SGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
9 m6 X6 P: W- aLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
' P/ M/ E, ]5 G7 s6 QI am still the same person of yesterday.
& ]" z$ k  s" \Unchanged name, unchange ...

0 F- ~( Y& I4 |6 D
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
" z& a; ?) Q" a9 I8 DGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.2 O( Z. P) T* }6 X% d0 v
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.% x* r; I% Q) S$ c& [
I am still the same person of yesterday.
! Y9 K; [" N+ Y& w( {Unchanged name, unchange ...
5 S$ ~, i% z8 p) r( j
i like it.
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