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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,1 K& {. o: J3 \7 Q- Y# T
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  , R7 v% V) w3 Z# n- A% p, I$ U
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
' V+ \! [; n5 T3 M; z! q  W2 [! h现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
6 I' @* ?$ V  Z! M6 X3 C梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.: x+ Z9 B% g! \9 q0 ~$ F! p
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.0 W; I, j. u3 o! Z, ]
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.' x* Z5 B1 s! q8 T1 ?1 ?+ i1 I
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.- c8 r& t# Y( F
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.! `. Z! x* e' e* Q( V. k
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及+ d# x5 k- t  ?
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。* d0 t9 s; ~/ [* g" y3 P/ }
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.0 b. t0 }$ f4 J( |
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
9 @# j; e  P0 t- U: d% h* U想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.9 \% g: [6 s. T/ D
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 9 U- w9 x0 Q3 R1 X0 y& ~
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?. K5 `, g* \* @2 B1 t
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.* R; b* ^9 S  f, t/ p. l
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.$ w) E% z# R% P
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.) D$ Q2 H' {# J2 }# X$ ~* O
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?3 A( @, A/ m6 L1 e8 X/ z7 m. F5 ?
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
# m$ x6 a, ?' f' {4 S多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
6 |2 D6 \/ u5 W  C不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
4 i( n+ y0 b) {# Z3 e! a多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,   j6 L$ |% c/ l0 p4 t& s
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
4 P+ s8 `& C( A. Q% h  b多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!4 C1 }; Y# K* L! H
永难平息的泪; I  E) I  h7 X" x; y% O
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes) f5 W: w8 v$ R! D; C) d
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
2 A& d5 ~, j) {6 K: @4 C* _+ N当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.: a4 e  R0 J, Y5 \6 c
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
" m+ T6 `, N- ~3 B1 |你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 4 r/ n3 Z1 |5 A8 k$ }
一抹微笑;
% [( x$ m$ s) g& D9 H一个手势;
' B4 ]8 l, w1 ?2 P0 S. @一片话语,
: R+ u/ m3 D9 W8 ^; y愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、7 _% t3 [  K$ Q% f6 T
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
- j. H' P  m- U0 L+ _7 R- f心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
2 `# ^, z) _  |* t9 b$ ?这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
& f. N/ N5 ?; C/ F也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
" i3 w% m0 B- d( B0 h起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
( Y3 Z% G% f. R$ U我并不以为然。4 C. ~5 b- u6 Z, L: Y/ {
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 6 m' ~* V8 x- ], I, v
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
# d! M* T! G' m被一种情绪所左右,
4 }' G2 S. n2 M! L2 b- |* L3 J; d总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .  i* M" Q7 l7 f6 ?9 Y
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you  Z* \. ~: h7 o* l6 }
也不问我是否喜欢你,
0 q' j" n  t( F7 e5 X对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.3 a, t2 Y2 |2 o0 o
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
# ?( U0 i) I% s% F" e, K3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
' U( X3 s7 `0 @1 v心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
+ k$ q" S/ I+ x然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ; a) |( ]6 L/ @" X3 A
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
' O2 u& }  h& P: O7 \记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
/ J* k' D3 |( Z9 N你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
! r! H7 q& }0 I- n% I随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
6 I, J  \7 _5 q7 @" s1 M哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
: K  F/ y* w# ~  o7 G% f) B. Z1 U一种声音,and your voice
6 E+ G4 v# ?0 }也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
) V, S$ e' Z9 y掺杂著幸福的感觉。7 N: X& [9 ?+ A& B1 _  A' a$ U
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land$ B' l/ g3 R1 @" H0 g' K
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,6 v% n% r4 o. ?* Z& g
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.! R1 z: A3 A( U) k; Q! ]1 ]
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。$ N# p" z& k6 h" g0 n7 C* B  }
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
! T( C$ M9 X% ^# \0 `! w+ \有一个能够让思念的人,2 P- i/ ~4 o0 F, c4 Z+ _( Q
其实也是一种幸福。2 A" \5 w8 J- b
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 4 ^) m0 O' [* [# A7 y
柔柔的海风,& |  Q- V1 w0 u9 K6 @
甜甜的夏天。$ z! h- p( A4 l" y; h' F
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
+ d! s# C8 J& g, @  P只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
5 k' j/ T- ]% }# h& q5 v仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do., h7 r8 N; f, m7 l3 b$ T/ @6 C* Q
想和你有共同的情结,, T% c" \) D5 ]* j9 l
共同的心愿。) p0 P: v$ k* Q% J
7 R4 n1 q5 d$ M# H1 y3 S
, r* U6 A; n* z- i$ e
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
2 K) e8 L. }. _9 g" Y. R一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
* @5 C# I- g0 z+ S9 e) {+ y或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
% C2 N& f4 A6 }或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
$ I) B( e. E2 l/ U4 C2 a『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
8 k! j5 B, I6 X我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, & W) Q3 A; c5 I# A$ `
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
# f) d3 J. V' g( \3 _- g) c; a或是轻轻的一吻,
8 h2 K2 B' k) D" }9 [% e  f: c) Z再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
8 k, U& r7 q. L6 G, o( W, m就足够了. That is enough.4 ]) d9 Q& l+ S+ x( G
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 6 d, e, g. M  i& s
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
- F! }& w/ J5 j- l0 j9 z3 w% w萌出了芽,& g4 Q0 A; e6 ]/ @
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing5 R  L, P& X- H
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
9 Q9 O9 h( Y( M7 t% V2 G5 k如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand+ g" b) I% X: k7 n
能够牵著你的手,# A( T0 P7 B/ p+ H$ \
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
% G+ Y- k! k% i让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
; a2 L( G- D7 C4 I慢慢地细读,
$ c- u( H6 t5 a我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
( |9 ?7 J% j! s, F" ?2 k( l在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
; C  I6 l5 c) \' w4 Y- ]* Z7 }$ v我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor * o9 L. I' w% N4 z( P6 y. |; f- \
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:0 r7 Q8 ^0 u4 Q  O' G
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
2 p* a! e1 ^5 m2 I0 v眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
2 f, C: M& B9 U* [* R  r' q" Hchange to:lacked
3 W+ Z0 E; ?3 I6 T  Q" K/ y& R猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.# ~7 c# C3 p' w  v1 ]/ D9 j* j5 Z9 ?
Cats often played at the whole hot night.5 U# g- z! E) Y5 f4 L" M
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
9 R2 D. H+ e8 v' D$ t改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
; [* L, X) \  W  g9 `I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. : v, [6 [* ?' u/ o
该为:throughyour hands.
5 p4 M) g. x% S. F还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。4 r# j# V: [/ Y4 S: v4 a! r5 v
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。* F+ M" d1 m( i+ v) H
至少比我强。* v) h; b2 J' a- D* F+ y
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... - n" |* q+ _+ q) ]2 V3 y3 H

6 A' e% Z, }7 V+ V% R) m这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
% N% Q  V3 }5 L! j7 ~+ z后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
9 O1 D( _! m' ]& B谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.) d9 X8 @. o& c+ W7 o
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
" t9 X1 ?% S* p: y  {, HEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
* D- G$ ~: v8 m: Z( ]Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.+ q. U+ ?3 A1 V4 f( }
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
/ o" G5 C! Z! xThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
, S3 `' F* d  `Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
0 P% t5 \5 h" b! x8 q6 _9 {Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
8 b: {# H8 ~0 O! Q% i: O3 c8 c9 TCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 2 S  M) i1 t4 N0 \  o
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
+ @  Y$ o9 F8 g; PI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
0 ^9 E5 G6 e( }0 \1 eThe emotion and the carma only is a dream." v$ k" w( I5 t! [! U
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
- H" o+ V" I: e- ^I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. C* _* a- C' B5 X, i; r
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.8 U3 A! |2 L: u) d0 t' `: A6 x8 t
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?* ~) b4 k# d( o
Intoxicated then feel cold,( g& b0 v* E( }' R
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
1 d4 z6 {0 }" ~7 r  e* y0 ZI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have./ q' k( t8 ?/ L4 @, Y, i
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?+ m, c: a2 {- K5 j9 ]7 J
Why I am always hoodwinked!
" a* p/ Z4 }( K( I0 ^% Y( B0 fI have told myself many times cautiously 7 `9 e; O/ ~& W3 ]% n
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
$ a8 k9 F5 ^3 t; G8 Z7 _The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.; H6 k1 g+ y) l: w6 A. N
Why can`t I take it easy?" X& q7 N& _9 `' `2 i
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!. z9 Y4 y/ M+ ~
When the quiet night comes. H* \2 B6 J8 K$ f9 r, k- J4 R
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.! X( j$ h7 R% Z  I. m
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.* H( n- l" P7 M: [
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,. b/ [2 g2 v# C/ H) S5 w4 |
light the dark corner in my mind.  w- d; B7 [3 V: A8 S0 o
I feel a bit of cozy.
5 c' E( w" W6 Q8 {4 @$ }6 }The deep attached to you in a twinkling
( A* a) m' a# T/ Dmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.) M& t- S; K- [5 U
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,: c) a  W! g# Z: P
but accompanying with the time passed
/ U' ?0 R7 P0 QI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
& S, G6 S* B2 p" r. k; a& Y4 E; calways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.4 ~: M$ {% a8 b) N- q8 V! R
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
$ ?# d. H6 ]+ J+ Bonly feel gracious for your existing,1 \1 \) W3 V/ P7 x
onlt want to do something for you.
' R$ P" b* C2 \8 @* g  Z. X9 gEvery time when you meet me- g! F8 b3 n0 d
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
, l* h) k% z5 @/ |/ O( nbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere( T# n+ i; [3 h. u# N6 s3 l
That live in my heart./ \4 u$ P! d( c6 K5 z; L4 b
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
: J1 a2 T" P- W! v6 [7 zEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
$ g  u! B- i7 T+ Ymake me gently distraught with happy feeling.. f' Q" j( a2 J- T! j: x, U
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
0 k* A1 B9 L5 [suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.+ P% a9 a3 c4 X& @" d
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,: f4 ?1 ], e- n+ D% c' L9 Y
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
0 i7 V1 D1 v6 b; D1 J; Z. G% vSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 9 o7 n7 k" }. D9 y
only waiting for you quietly
; Z$ U( b4 \& x( `4 Jjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
8 O# B3 `5 ?: Q% N; P! fI really want to ramble in the small rain with you # O% W& {6 ]* F" P. b
and enjoy the rain washing together4 ~) z& d# m* I
or rush to a film1 R0 y7 k+ \0 [  f9 |" I; g" ~$ G
or listen to a music quietly.
" W" x+ z7 b6 Y$ T. Y; {+ {7 a& h: KWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
% q5 i1 W! `6 v2 XIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,4 k6 r4 Y+ h% }% E
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".! V' X1 X0 b$ {0 N! e
That is enough.
; Q! `" j! s9 J* i4 SMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago," s9 c1 A1 j! |4 n8 Z2 p
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,7 h3 p7 O  F% v0 i4 U
the same as my missing.& F6 G6 `9 b1 t) r0 P6 |. Q
It comes a little bit of verdure.  t$ W, e  X6 J. p, P) ~# D
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
1 S% w( v" U- O: V) Mthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.# a9 c! K4 x1 s' o0 Z
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
: n& Y! W( z! N6 ?0 Z8 M, J. I; K: ?I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
& |: }; L4 n- fAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,0 c# v8 D! P9 d0 C6 a
then I will have all care and ardor.: f. \6 [; Z1 U9 u% o
Shall we walk arm in arm?
% R. y5 v$ I3 H8 k) t% S呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
$ ]/ w0 n$ l7 A4 nLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
7 \) T6 a: L( HI am still the same person of yesterday.
# E4 I' o+ T+ j# x: BUnchanged name, unchanged I.
4 p! V; _" b2 Z0 R$ LSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 0 k# Z8 S  R+ c4 u
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
- U9 K  F  r$ YMore or less,
% {2 L1 E9 p4 C% u& U a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
: k4 }  w, ~6 D3 ]0 [; d9 h
- Q/ W# n# w) q, bSummer easily slips away
: \. r3 X7 e4 m: }Those long lost hot nights1 A& n& u7 T2 V# L/ k) g+ l
can only be found in the old days. # v& y8 U9 ?) W

5 x- e, D: @6 F0 H/ jCats jumping over the window sills,
5 P; K* D: X* |6 B* Q0 o% g$ Hchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 4 ~% ^# X" H) ~- z
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
  S/ g6 o! ~0 K. n9 y. ~4 _Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.5 u- B0 y8 Q' d: o" S8 _
I am still the same person of yesterday.9 |. x# J; J5 b' T% W
Unchanged name, unchange ...

  ?" s! S: m, V3 J1 J
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 6 [: H5 U: h, ?4 V7 _
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
) `4 h# n. M( Y& {Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 u0 |- S1 O$ u) t
I am still the same person of yesterday.
- ~* E( ]! M6 ^3 vUnchanged name, unchange ...
+ {  ^3 b& ^; P
i like it.
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