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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
) h" r) x! `1 O,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  4 r. F9 R4 C8 ^0 a1 a
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 9 R) ^" A" q1 ]
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
- ], C4 F. |, l/ A4 X梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.* W  [7 C! R/ ]0 l1 n9 G/ k
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something., `% P3 A" W0 P0 E4 S( o
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
% b/ R: W2 R- z$ r猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
5 ^# ~& z! w- v3 `% g# V  m, h# X7 Z就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.( k, \" T: N( U) _- B! d
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
  {. F- N6 @  a1 Z, l那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
# s- f3 q" ^( p7 ~世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
% ?& ]4 @$ r& ?4 m- a5 l' v昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.7 w+ x" S# `* A- k
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up." e. n( X8 [- E7 T- C- L
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
( s- r( n0 t6 u/ A+ `& @# D: F寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?6 }! T0 C. ]7 {/ u
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.4 Q0 i, y# Y# p8 \6 V! I- H+ w
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
( S0 Y* q7 @- ~" @* V2 s- b' Q5 _最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.6 k7 |7 R9 ]# m; B. C& p2 m2 @5 E$ l1 i
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
/ s) t$ e+ ]! Z" d, yWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
1 V, Z+ L+ n) ?; \多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously0 F9 i/ P$ `  O9 Z* ^: G
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.$ b6 [( Y( Y0 r* _
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, . i5 m' c0 R( t. x
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?1 u+ ~) x, l4 E6 Q8 j4 Q5 z
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
  ]" v* A$ ~9 H永难平息的泪/ |# v) ~) R2 g3 |' L
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes7 ~% Z" g! q+ B! a& d( B
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.' r: ]0 e' O& ^$ ^$ M
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
+ P; T4 v4 A3 e- ^( C, F# l让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
3 X8 j0 Y. y  i  W# n5 N你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul * ?/ R; R. A4 @3 a! X9 p- f1 S
一抹微笑;& G- _" `% _& n1 J6 X( G: k9 ~
一个手势;
, Z3 K) K# d8 f, c; a一片话语,1 U& Y, H# S4 w' S  F: U
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、5 _* k8 Z* q8 ^) l- r
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
+ i" u! A2 _/ w9 J8 m心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.- M, ?8 ?, v3 ^7 D
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
8 \  [0 R5 o5 W- F2 D4 h也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..; S# g! h7 r& a2 _: J( C/ W4 E  C
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
4 w5 u% a. @4 z我并不以为然。
  o5 j" p: k0 W$ f9 i可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed ' B( @4 t3 {% c3 l  O, [) ^
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
; Q3 h7 S3 Y' F4 F  Z1 n被一种情绪所左右,% e, u) }  `% Y  `1 K! j( p/ D2 Q
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
6 [( W$ W7 E' i8 ^* D即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
) ]. R! O! ^8 N5 t# X: O$ ?  W也不问我是否喜欢你,$ F9 ?8 B$ g0 g$ l/ W
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.$ m" N- P' L0 G* S4 N  T
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you. C' v0 v8 ~$ W2 ^5 F0 K7 g  ?# r
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you9 Z+ @1 p1 E  |
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
! o1 J/ x$ N; ?6 t然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
/ U" i- I# H* v# Y+ Z你的身影已化成一种氛围,
! l/ {5 l4 X% j+ E# d记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.) M9 N' b2 w4 }$ j8 h' X1 e
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 6 J+ C2 W- g$ q! d3 i* j7 q1 f
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
  I: f) V  D! L9 C哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
& N& \, K9 ^% [: s' h8 R一种声音,and your voice
4 D$ z6 V# T- b" J3 o也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
3 p# y; W2 E1 @掺杂著幸福的感觉。
- T1 \/ P, r- y/ n与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
7 Y! Y2 y! M% ]! `象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
% |1 w  L+ x5 S% ?" b4 M$ W倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
) M( [3 o: K8 P" u  h1 a* s纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
2 z2 B/ r9 [) V# j7 P; o+ O你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss. Q0 r0 ~% @7 w% i2 W  k9 m: }% o
有一个能够让思念的人,$ s6 O' G( k. Z3 `, L
其实也是一种幸福。
" v2 T$ b. a) y6 V8 `3 G尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. # u! U  L: I9 L
柔柔的海风,
9 v0 j0 X7 J$ Y甜甜的夏天。/ b" q7 s1 [& C9 L9 {. N2 b1 ]
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy % R) \6 u6 o& k, `/ u8 z
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
( }/ ?% z( K- w仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.* _' U; ?  c" G4 }1 `
想和你有共同的情结,
, C" ?* M. s' p% E共同的心愿。% k* u. Y  v+ I1 \4 B4 g
, o7 X1 @3 U! [7 Q/ ?

3 U( z7 |" r: o6 L好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
" K8 c" ?8 u! W# X2 _" q$ }) b8 T一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together& o- V8 A  g5 T% l$ t1 |; r* t
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
7 ]- r7 D" z; {  }或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
9 F6 u' Q8 o- T) K& E9 D% w2 M『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?: Q- r) W1 _1 a) S7 f3 o
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
4 `/ W! G" P( q' j. @浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”/ T# Y0 A. }5 b% n6 D7 a5 X8 ?
或是轻轻的一吻,7 |1 r) j" f- C" N
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
- W6 X+ B2 [5 J- t就足够了. That is enough.
1 E7 k# ~9 h/ K1 q. L9 e这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
" C3 [  m! q/ D  {终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
, t6 R' c8 f. a+ n: Y- q0 m; C+ P萌出了芽,
7 z% h- ]8 a3 W3 e) L一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
6 [2 p5 [% S; b' Q' G$ l  Y" O浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.. |" n- m+ ]) L5 G6 y' M0 S
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
& p1 z3 b# Z7 q) l8 G1 [能够牵著你的手,
2 q- {# T* \; {1 b9 y/ w那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.: c9 S+ `  \# H. ~; _! Z
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 8 f" ~2 D) e$ {9 b
慢慢地细读,
: B) z0 T6 j/ U9 }3 O3 f% S我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 A0 C! @# `! j/ w; f; g( ]在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me . c# E, L5 L* T( U
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
" x8 ~- m# o4 ~6 G就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:* v$ U# U& x" S, Q
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
# `8 _" V9 t. C" h  z% G眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
$ @) j- m( b: g3 F- A! Cchange to:lacked
  }. v+ o5 X+ Y猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
; K# X( ]$ P. p! tCats often played at the whole hot night.
& t4 Y2 q+ K. d5 n. L 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
% |1 l* D3 k  l+ z2 l; ]! Q改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.  n; v0 E  b9 N: j# u0 x! F
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
4 T/ R3 |. q/ v/ w该为:throughyour hands.
$ E3 y) ^# W" ]/ j还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。' Z) ]5 E, A$ d" z9 }1 l: H
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。1 \# A1 x' J4 P$ t/ f- h* h) a' m' B
至少比我强。
) e! \. Y* p  K0 F偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... & A# g. P$ Y1 f: n
1 N1 v2 B6 {8 T" B  V2 W5 g
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。* s, Y2 Y3 u, a# r
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
/ t' L; Q/ e+ Z谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
: v2 }/ g2 y' U0 i" ~8 W3 P前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:! h& e' p/ `9 a; G, V
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
% m/ k. G4 K( G" r: p% {; c1 _Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
5 N8 D1 j/ ]# q# Q' Y Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name., x  d& \1 _% Z; Y3 h
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.- N: ^# ?% s' _4 r3 l
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
. F0 S; s  h) R9 zSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
) O6 O( G2 G% Y9 qCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 2 @2 L. i, R! c) n- ?
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
5 M; B( q) r# Y8 k; R6 ?, H' FI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
+ P; D+ H# ^/ w+ K& v, U" l% O5 @6 mThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.0 P6 ~9 T- k8 D2 P/ z
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.; k( b2 e9 t5 f' {
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
! m( y+ \5 x; O( PI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.) V! j0 g* Z! a5 U2 V+ f6 s
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
: f- N  m7 d5 h8 TIntoxicated then feel cold,
6 t! _! \3 Q. f" G% O6 m" lthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
& ?9 m4 ~, }! x  U5 VI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
" _+ ]0 L+ R( x3 mThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
! W$ t4 C: G# L' X3 i+ `( P9 sWhy I am always hoodwinked!, i$ S, W0 s% p9 {
I have told myself many times cautiously $ s$ b/ H' Z& w* f8 @" c* c
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.: g! `# E) O; d4 J5 _7 M
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
  M/ ^  u$ u3 i; ?Why can`t I take it easy?
9 H4 S  M* {/ NHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
$ `! @8 R4 N& |1 jWhen the quiet night comes8 c: T0 A/ J. q
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
0 w" k8 A7 O; ]. E2 HThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
4 U: S, I7 J) B' hYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
( r2 ?$ j4 E- {light the dark corner in my mind.0 m: r  G0 M2 k. A4 }, \8 ]. w0 a! h
I feel a bit of cozy.
5 Z: q3 A0 n1 XThe deep attached to you in a twinkling. s, A% G2 j! N, I
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
0 u# Y+ }" Q  i5 ~0 bI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
$ y" u& f7 a4 U) \but accompanying with the time passed! Z. R2 V+ `: h! y3 ?: A
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
  u  o" g& H* D4 W1 H2 S4 ^/ g0 ]always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.- m) ~7 e+ ~: I2 Z" l% ~
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
& \5 |2 g  Y  }. Y+ n9 }  Ponly feel gracious for your existing,8 V3 O! M) b) n5 ]4 D+ U- G( w
onlt want to do something for you.
9 ]0 O3 S- q/ }7 I! @Every time when you meet me8 v+ c; ]( R. L8 d- K: J( d
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
9 ?$ [) j: v4 R4 K3 J. R6 Q" Jbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere$ S  ]7 Y, U( j5 ]/ B1 U+ r
That live in my heart.
+ |9 t4 x% @3 C4 \4 S5 TDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?7 h' ~% N. i, v$ E+ M# u$ J
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
. v. [* x9 D5 p( cmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
, p/ [) o# }. `! D) d* i! xThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
  \" `  i% k! {$ ]6 P+ {suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
; L9 s' P0 _, Q% J- `+ N0 D! Z* M9 }Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
7 [5 k- e8 ]* W3 Q9 Q" X, [especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.0 k* f. F: }; K# {. H2 t( ?& ]
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
" Z: Z+ l' g- _9 J, j$ d1 b. y5 Tonly waiting for you quietly4 Y/ T" ]/ [  N: y$ p* M. Z
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 a' O: ?$ A, s" x* |) oI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
8 l& M7 _" H2 n$ eand enjoy the rain washing together
# w! Q& B4 t; Y2 [  E4 eor rush to a film
7 p9 C  H+ y; aor listen to a music quietly.: n2 y" K- X& X! z/ @
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?; R. W7 d* g9 j5 d4 X  G9 k
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,1 F/ c6 X6 H+ K  }2 I. d: c! {( g  o
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
' t4 @" ~2 G$ I& k$ |That is enough.
1 T, x' g: g8 C" a/ v( ?  yMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
" {! V1 r7 D, O, jfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,/ g4 m; R2 T5 z* k- y! M
the same as my missing.- i/ D9 A* G/ u# W5 L8 I7 {
It comes a little bit of verdure.
% U# k" `3 I* Y7 }  HIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
$ c' M* V0 J. p0 y3 z& Wthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.8 j: J6 _2 {4 @2 P
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
* _+ {( f$ _/ }+ qI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.$ x+ t1 ~' L7 N9 x, x' Y3 a
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,, }! l0 ?; @- Y/ g) S1 h# o+ _
then I will have all care and ardor.' f% V* R+ c% R" ~. y: f5 z
Shall we walk arm in arm?# a7 |( B0 X( F  `& @0 [
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
% |% v- U% h/ X* KLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.; X% e4 Y4 U" w8 n5 w2 K) g% [  w. M
I am still the same person of yesterday.2 U, O* Q/ {% C- c2 y( D" C
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
4 o* p. Q8 n; jSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. % N+ \$ i9 p5 \+ I( U
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.: v! B6 E2 L6 {2 c# H
More or less,
4 s+ F: W: ]% t( z) l8 Z- P( H a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.- O3 P& o; V# [0 R

* q# ^( M# n) S3 |7 A# lSummer easily slips away! J2 f9 Z" c; a! Q6 T* w/ A
Those long lost hot nights- n# |3 T3 F! J9 q, N- ~: P
can only be found in the old days. # ~+ W* {$ g; P! [! ^5 ?+ M
1 g% u, R4 W' m/ s7 @5 j! L
Cats jumping over the window sills,
) _3 t2 _; ~' {: \# kchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
3 g% \& b4 W+ c- P  E: gGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.4 s: R5 @+ z8 z
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around./ D9 S* g9 V' R' ]
I am still the same person of yesterday.' l( e6 Q0 p! O( i4 l: M
Unchanged name, unchange ...

- ~9 k+ ?6 i4 n2 B; x7 b
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . P. W  P3 o- ?' o; P# W' m
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.( Z4 e9 N/ L* g& I; _1 k+ H# B
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.# C  R- R8 k" q$ `! t+ i
I am still the same person of yesterday.
- z5 M$ e- N& P/ E4 S: _+ cUnchanged name, unchange ...

' Q8 v: x; P3 l& V+ Di like it.
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