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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
) k2 j& u. g; ]4 h* v# S,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  8 f3 V( ~+ O" G8 s* T$ Z7 i
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . # `/ S$ C1 ]: O( s. B% E1 i
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
. _; g! D' B! B5 h3 H. ~梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
2 |8 a7 `7 p2 ~) {* G眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
- _5 T, W; G" g) o6 i5 e' L5 p夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
3 f3 e3 m4 Z; y/ U猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.) \3 f% ~8 O0 l9 W4 H- }
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
. ]9 v4 k0 x  s0 r+ K  \8 Q我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
6 t9 ]% P( `, c6 q! d, D4 G那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
7 ~) @$ S+ L* c9 H* ~世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.! P6 B8 s( S0 f! K3 d! r6 g2 U3 {
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.; b5 G& \- v0 T: i( _
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
- d- |: {4 [& P5 O3 @$ Z最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
) f$ m2 E( I% q. A) n( q4 a# D, b! C寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
$ ~" o" V/ e  L醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
; E1 ?' A  h: H& I, i/ b; J/ s迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
  A1 _. ?5 u. p- Y6 j最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.0 R& P$ O) @2 K, }4 a, x" @
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
& c( ]3 w# \" c. {$ V, IWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….0 Z" a- h' D3 O/ }
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously; _" G+ P) a7 a4 \1 y. S" R: }
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
9 P& `7 z2 I  p; P$ i- a3 N多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, + M, p, V7 |! B1 y
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
. M5 K; y+ [" W多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
0 T9 p# q6 w8 j9 V4 a$ G: k永难平息的泪
) X2 T# x8 ~) W) d! R每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
$ j- s& P% [3 c$ Q+ Y$ d+ l. T~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.8 H" T1 V3 w7 J0 i9 _# w
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.8 f6 h) V) y3 t% U. H& \2 i
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
9 F8 F% W: U9 q* }你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
7 s0 n; X# G+ g7 n一抹微笑;
# z- p" d( f& k6 D一个手势;
9 U) B2 q! {5 W9 A7 G一片话语,' X" K; T$ N2 ^4 D
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
0 O9 J1 |8 [! `; |( H' Z明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
) S+ f8 I# B- L- P0 L& ]  ]心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
2 X, f. _" ?: C$ n# y( I1 C这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
6 r/ a& T+ j+ y7 w; {* H也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..0 t: i; j6 h+ C) E; r5 ^) {
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,! N- ?2 A2 ~- ?& e. W) X, {2 T* N
我并不以为然。
! h$ u" Y% y* p: |- S* ~0 z* `可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
0 Z: [5 b. T% }0 n7 X慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .2 O3 }- u/ D  m! [& Q0 U2 p
被一种情绪所左右,: d2 i0 c9 Q+ I  K& Z3 J
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly ., H  e0 q, `- m$ D/ P4 @% p7 M
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
# f2 {9 ~% s; T+ U- e也不问我是否喜欢你,
  x% ^+ z: F4 L' \+ Y$ M对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.  \: h# h+ W$ z2 H: X
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you" @5 i" a& U* e& l
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
' W+ ~% i* s2 @$ w心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
3 T# S2 k+ t; W7 x# Q8 y然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
3 t& L* z7 f) T" F+ s& [8 b你的身影已化成一种氛围,
0 o8 \& O3 G' W/ Z+ r* B记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.% v0 j0 @, i: F" `% i$ h3 |
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! $ E6 s- i6 k* Q! w+ w& i
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字9 h2 B7 h1 Y8 t9 i+ [( m
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,  ]. C- @8 ]' }6 K: x& R
一种声音,and your voice
  I* @0 u8 w* `  R, T! p9 I也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling." j* I2 b) @* V) c% h! q
掺杂著幸福的感觉。. Z! w5 {6 E) O6 _; e" ~4 S
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
: u# a' `/ U. L9 g0 q( v; s# [; Y象雪花般撒落在我的心田,% t5 }2 B7 q( [& z* b
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
" \/ U: @5 B& q& i: S/ y纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。' p. j( f6 i/ |: v4 R
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss  [# L5 i4 ?- d
有一个能够让思念的人,: X& u! j) m5 K
其实也是一种幸福。
# O$ O, r+ f8 `. J尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 3 G  J8 b6 i5 b9 l" F7 }
柔柔的海风,
# r0 S% R* l/ y) D+ S: Z  c* a, J甜甜的夏天。2 Z" ?; S4 b4 U
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
/ E/ w4 W8 Z+ ~7 L6 o: r9 k只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
* X! D$ B6 j5 C仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
2 Z4 N$ }+ {* S' N" [. P! T想和你有共同的情结,* G; e9 |* ~" a+ T5 a+ ]
共同的心愿。
* L- F9 H  {% E2 ~& x' x; g
* O  J8 C1 H9 B$ h: Z' U1 S+ ^
2 |  X  T. V' r8 a' b8 `好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you% V: ?% t" T+ S4 P6 Y1 \" l
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together) V% X4 a  n+ J% g. ]
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
" j/ ]* ^, B( r9 l$ }. z或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.' P- N' G( s4 }* Q( n4 a, z
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
( I! A$ Q  I9 H" u! s我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
0 }( M8 o9 U- K' j# Q; w" Z浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”0 U# V. o; s0 F! k. N$ c
或是轻轻的一吻,
2 ^7 I0 p, m+ e9 J* L7 b再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
. B: z7 |! k! n! k8 ?( J就足够了. That is enough.# e/ M$ K1 C$ \5 W1 ]4 {" ~' a  j( e
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ' i. v0 T5 t( x0 o- G$ P7 C4 V
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.( f# z9 H2 x6 z% g8 e# Q+ G; ~  n) A
萌出了芽," e+ @; f* j5 P0 X! z  ?
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing" U' C8 S% p) ~7 D" S8 B
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
  a) _& p" L8 D9 z# \) g( Y如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
9 R0 \+ b  N- k% }" H' Y能够牵著你的手,
/ K. o3 |+ p( V4 x那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.7 ~* D2 y+ B0 f& U
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
- p  `# G+ l+ M: ]& c# c慢慢地细读,
! I* Y& K, G1 @  w; w( B. z3 Q我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
1 u' X6 b, Q: x" H在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me " T4 M1 D. K. E# U' N9 C/ ?# U/ q
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
! |7 h8 j$ I: ~+ }- R就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:, I2 p8 d' `5 ^/ E( X. @  N6 U9 ]
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago/ S/ e  T0 ]! J
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something., E1 [( B' q; s0 p  r" y
change to:lacked5 ~! {4 f! s+ {
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.: G3 n1 k* h6 M4 R2 ^6 n, s
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
+ [8 Q1 I. F& s) ?$ h/ R 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及* E6 N" q" o3 ?6 i
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.$ w- m1 }# C! O% j0 v8 y5 Y. P
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
5 }4 u  O8 Z0 X% g: X$ r该为:throughyour hands.( M, `- t' H3 F- M4 ^4 ^
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
% C: M  P- s% s9 `( q不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
8 b* y7 Z+ ~& Q! C/ n$ W  \! o至少比我强。
8 r; n6 q+ T' [! D偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
' L2 x5 P0 R& h$ H: c5 t: c: s/ l8 m$ Y9 R1 ]  s' u5 A) P% E
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
3 a$ O/ X  G7 K% }% u. n2 l2 E后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.. [% K* `6 R( y0 K) T) R8 @
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
7 @1 F) M+ z3 P4 U$ U: s前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:0 [, @# N" G& C* r5 Z
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
0 u+ W, u4 K- j0 [# e# ?Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running./ Q5 w- Z2 p( o5 t( s% i4 u, Y
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.' a8 Q, y. }# X$ V4 q
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.1 T1 j! c: r" T' C% @3 G+ B8 U; @$ V
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
; |+ w2 @: _) C$ q, W- rSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:0 c" S! S9 W. a4 v/ r. O
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool : K, s9 c. P! A6 }
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
6 U1 W! \7 P3 ]' LI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
  g& y. P+ ?8 |, A" t2 N0 AThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
; ~: S6 v3 y7 i# D! ?4 jThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.5 n9 n8 m& O1 ~
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
0 J) k6 e0 D( R; q$ EI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.# F- {+ y( ]! M$ r; p7 q3 {! }
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
) R: O3 y' x0 ~Intoxicated then feel cold,
1 l9 r& A3 Z4 zthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.! ^; v. S( h) _7 ]
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 O% H: U$ P; e+ C( L
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?; |& l3 J8 w  \. G  o- x4 j
Why I am always hoodwinked!
! j; Z, b) r# F0 z3 {; {# {I have told myself many times cautiously 9 b- t0 @$ G2 n9 \$ R! D
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.6 {) X) h, m: k, ~% A
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.7 C  W( S8 v! I; q5 {/ Z, c
Why can`t I take it easy?9 s/ r6 t- Z$ C5 k5 R  D
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
0 ~0 Y; Z2 j. I; Y7 n7 i& MWhen the quiet night comes* f: R- b) `& l! W
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
# w3 W8 ~! v3 P0 ]The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
, [+ L: a+ O: e) MYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,0 Z: c% s1 a; D4 J
light the dark corner in my mind.
5 }7 f, d# |2 Y3 X5 E! C' Z4 e) b% pI feel a bit of cozy.
- f+ p- p% v  C# F% p+ jThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
% s1 M" C, }4 L# ~maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
0 P* S+ n/ T" ~' `4 EI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
; o+ a* d: ?/ {0 o$ C) t5 e  x& ]9 Obut accompanying with the time passed
' g! L' O& a% i3 XI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
, Z- S; F$ L# \% f  g  e7 Jalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.' E2 K7 `0 t3 m+ O  Z3 p
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
% [7 _( W/ @4 R- \: u1 Z- J  _! @only feel gracious for your existing,
2 X% l. H+ g2 J5 Ronlt want to do something for you.) P- |: u2 s: v3 F
Every time when you meet me
5 ]+ z- h0 V" jthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,& h8 B( _, i) R% k/ g; `  e
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
1 S% r# m1 ^0 A3 j& l% `  L4 SThat live in my heart.( x9 A  y% W$ Z* z
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?3 s5 Q  W' ^/ E0 h
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice5 h. \) d' ~. l" \
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.) m, Y( {: S0 A
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
4 `- }, H' x/ Isuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.3 \& l1 h7 I% F8 n: J5 _. e
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,& T7 K' H& {" G! ^* u6 g
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
; x, h% s0 L& ?Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ' r0 Z% }! ~- X7 {- a, }7 q  T
only waiting for you quietly9 w' r3 y# B: M% g
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do./ f, P! `8 B: O
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you % |  T$ U* F6 E# M" Y/ h
and enjoy the rain washing together- J& w1 i! s' b& x; L: y6 j
or rush to a film
& O' w3 h8 C& `8 I" For listen to a music quietly.1 J' {; |+ m7 [% g. g8 V' r- n2 Y! @5 l
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?4 S) I+ P' U' f$ |
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,$ y# w6 Z8 g9 d7 P3 G: {! V
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".( \  U4 p! B# @" u
That is enough.7 K/ W2 _5 ^) \( \- q, q
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,$ a- d( y: a# T& }/ x
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
  |; Q% T0 D. e  Y9 @4 Vthe same as my missing.
5 H9 R6 w: _% K4 l. a) ~It comes a little bit of verdure.- k% l/ T8 A" A& |+ s) N
If, If some day I can touch your hand, " ?0 {! m4 y. b
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
! [0 c' S; v% HLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
4 |9 C0 S5 K0 v' R7 S, Q3 k# EI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.% x' Z$ B7 C* `
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,! C$ ~! A" R2 l( q, J
then I will have all care and ardor.7 x" W- |, I2 R# z
Shall we walk arm in arm?2 P! Q7 k: M- _0 F
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
$ M" ^% f& Y, l& D+ YLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.( {# c4 d. a+ U9 T* J
I am still the same person of yesterday.0 ]) I  O' i# W" [* i4 R
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
5 C' R4 \0 V. _6 ESame messy hair, same shaggy bag. ; @4 d& v0 M0 l9 {, [, S% d% E2 C
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
7 q3 y1 \  B; U5 aMore or less,
- Q  D9 J; b1 f a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
; X+ u# B: N6 y$ M
- @  i/ L7 X& N( K9 e! P- a" ^Summer easily slips away$ g4 g- U6 P( Q4 {* y
Those long lost hot nights7 Q5 V3 u7 F- D( _) E  l! `
can only be found in the old days.
- A& ~5 W! G' R; i
) Y1 {, k8 X% b+ R8 UCats jumping over the window sills, 2 K4 N+ u: S+ B4 C6 F& E
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
+ F: O2 V: c# o7 T: O# ZGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% x; w$ j8 h' P1 _
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.# K% k# b6 K% X* U3 R! b2 U
I am still the same person of yesterday.
* M& w; s3 r; A* ]Unchanged name, unchange ...
+ _2 a1 u1 A/ I$ P# _  Z
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ! v2 y) z* ^( f1 \+ v) `' S! \
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
8 v* r; I6 \8 m# M2 u9 QLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& p0 n9 ?" b5 FI am still the same person of yesterday.
% L' [0 c: E4 H& k& ?: lUnchanged name, unchange ...

; L3 U8 R' R. w  di like it.
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