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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,; q; L8 g3 b* {$ X3 s
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  3 s1 y$ f1 }7 ?
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . : R; W/ S0 p; Q$ o, [7 R
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
( n, A, h* k3 L$ K! h- ~+ F梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
. q# ?4 N; F& U) {& O: U眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.7 l3 q+ N; }$ X0 \0 I" k) O& \
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.4 j! h6 ^7 C3 Z: j: u5 ]( b3 w/ l
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
3 N. f3 l! W1 r6 v4 D就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.1 W2 g# k( M3 W; x% k. D0 e: c7 h
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
+ X. {4 G- {6 c4 [6 U. l2 {1 ~那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
! o0 _1 j( S, y9 O$ X世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.( x# b0 r4 K/ ?; @0 ?
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.* c/ [. B6 `+ `
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.0 k3 @- }3 _: _9 f1 P
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ) u3 w/ f, t- u& R
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?1 V& k) |! \% \, t; a: W
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.9 t) g' d/ `; A$ a
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.: g$ v8 U& d- y* l% _! `$ b2 u
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
0 s9 {! I1 P; p; p+ P% R多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
; _% C2 F  X9 u& y6 r$ \) ]$ PWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
1 f8 `. G* c# H% q多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
4 T3 o! f- P7 z& y不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
# p9 X6 C; s, X多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, * X( E' H+ R' _( L( }! ?( R( x6 m. f
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?& x3 o4 W; o, i5 {9 _
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
5 z% \$ v. X6 N0 W" \. U% P( |永难平息的泪
/ t! a5 |& l& Z0 k$ K3 W) e' N- v3 Q每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
3 `- E& g! r- p' b~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.! K( I# _3 u0 b5 i  M8 ?% C3 y- v
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
; U' R( z0 h! A让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,% Z$ d* q; r: ?) i# L
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul ; i0 L' ?/ W1 }8 ~
一抹微笑;
/ \. i5 a5 P* g一个手势;+ ]' ?2 f1 I" I$ x' y
一片话语,0 L8 s! V. h- m" p. e2 ~/ ^- u; j
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
, h! @" p6 r$ Q; f) Y! R8 l明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
: N/ I% g5 a$ c" W$ H. {* a" U1 {心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.- x' y5 a8 s: F. h. I0 V8 G
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling9 v. C4 R2 y8 Z" J3 h- m
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..# D, D+ o1 n: ~+ k7 @: ~
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,) y- x' p4 H7 i# ?: [$ r& m) E
我并不以为然。
8 h8 k8 i* Z% E: C& O. N% ~可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
. u! ?7 ]4 N/ R. `% s$ u- K慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
- H5 p/ ]  H' P被一种情绪所左右,
$ i# {' s' J1 Q+ `总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .  I0 Y9 x7 Y' [8 P! T1 s4 t
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
  F" I2 T5 H) t, A# d( r6 K2 }也不问我是否喜欢你,
5 G2 x3 R- K7 d6 i7 V% Z( T# y2 d对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.% A: f: m" ?* o; R
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you+ D4 n. e6 U& ~, P  q3 A
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
' o) p; L' ^" K* a6 k4 C( J, J心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil$ i& O8 |" i1 `% `
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere # N9 ]) `/ R" `( c
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
, h. P" C- m1 q+ N! j记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.2 R2 h# _+ {7 c+ J7 k5 E
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
3 r+ c# }! y9 l随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字" l4 K4 n3 ?9 w4 f
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,+ u+ U! ~% e+ e
一种声音,and your voice3 N( m6 z5 S# ^% [
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
- r0 z% |: U6 t掺杂著幸福的感觉。
+ c$ p9 M7 E; I. d4 z5 d( t与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land# t6 ]+ q7 W% N' }
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
8 P$ u! p8 W9 s% f) P# K( X倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.  c  E$ E- F4 `6 b
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
5 D+ V0 d- y/ E- f: V6 x你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss! h; U$ A8 z' g
有一个能够让思念的人,' c" y( t5 J/ b+ G
其实也是一种幸福。- k' l. h( r  v4 |$ b2 k: f7 ?8 q
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 3 V/ I  U# o# x4 h) ?+ y4 |6 a' l
柔柔的海风,
5 z: @- L( q$ F! S6 R: Q甜甜的夏天。
' W  ?' P6 n7 `一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
5 G7 D) p* o' ?/ U只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.# [& C" ?- H  \: ]: R3 i$ X: y
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
! }0 F7 u$ h% S: c想和你有共同的情结,
/ E4 \* C+ w/ O" k共同的心愿。
& T9 }- a% A. @) L7 e+ T: t' K5 ~, y5 I! u

- i2 S* \. r* U! B, u* A* ~& B% B, x好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you- c# n3 t3 K) r# M7 d
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together! B3 f  U4 S2 y
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film : L5 A; b" P% H9 b; {
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
7 X/ w2 u6 c3 t' `1 f8 _( y『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?1 O2 l. T" I. K1 K4 ^, C
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 0 X5 L4 D. l, a0 D
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
0 m- M# K) y0 I' z或是轻轻的一吻,
+ b( F3 ~& r) B: J- s再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』' L$ c  J5 u9 e1 G5 L
就足够了. That is enough.
1 b* L. d0 e4 v7 x: b9 H这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
; U) G( x) d6 c8 {终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.- y; }, E- t1 U; N+ w8 d
萌出了芽,7 `1 v: X6 R$ k: H$ P# c, o
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
+ d& X' k4 l& \7 S- g7 T浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
5 _" f* p3 q" n, J# o如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand8 d$ Q) E2 a; Y& |% E- E
能够牵著你的手,
# m% S  N" E: o( D9 Z6 z那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
+ |) l: f) |2 @让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
$ a5 O5 H( }: u- d+ ]( X慢慢地细读,( P. g1 t4 P" g8 d6 k. y' Y3 Y
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 ^# y& M4 i" ?* I" K0 K在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me " d: P* ?, I( z" ^+ T9 |
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor   @$ x% n- W. ]+ c
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
/ W2 P2 s$ b6 A$ G现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
7 o% N4 [$ R$ G, X! \7 i7 f& S眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.2 Y7 Z* _& s( l8 R
change to:lacked0 {" Z. W9 d2 `( I4 l! _# M% h
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.: p3 h& I* g$ N% z# V. p, a( `
Cats often played at the whole hot night.6 v2 e5 x1 D/ N  R8 R4 F- x0 I) {
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
& ^' F% \+ q) S% t# ~改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
- [' o8 e% L/ U- M, dI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.   g+ p+ x" w# S
该为:throughyour hands.& t: |! z2 S5 v6 H+ {2 V
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
1 @# b9 C) L, b: I不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。+ u6 S; L7 K# P: D+ U, `9 f8 z
至少比我强。
1 D& F7 J) C3 A+ k9 Y( b偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... , y% C/ I; r3 U, s. T3 \. H+ z

; u) T3 f. J8 e8 |+ `6 b这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。- h* D* X, H2 m7 l8 Y1 `' S6 {
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.$ h* O4 V6 D$ K' Q- R7 i
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.- e, g6 N: }) Z1 a
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:* O7 N( K0 u1 \$ `
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
* u* J1 Y6 L7 b5 IPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.  f5 L/ ]" O8 U9 Z- R
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
9 B9 T- B0 v% u, {The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.; ~! v- v; `7 B* Z! c
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
0 x1 F6 Z1 }# D) `" d) Z* BSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:. c0 x2 u& ~  t* W/ D
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 2 k/ R% K2 G: \9 T2 J
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.; t% Y, N* D0 t- Q
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
- A9 G" o% t& dThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
2 u- K* e$ v/ O! ]+ j  y, {That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.) d0 u2 h, T" ^! Y/ o; F
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.- o8 x7 [# H$ y, X, E  B
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.6 e! w( A2 W. T$ N6 V
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?& R  E) n# w6 o5 v  D
Intoxicated then feel cold,
& j7 R+ N: V* y& Athe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
; a# {2 c( X0 [3 z9 f3 X+ p) z  [I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
; k& H* w. _$ cThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?! B8 J' W3 A$ E- Q5 x
Why I am always hoodwinked!
! X/ C, M' r! t0 e7 v2 qI have told myself many times cautiously
6 \, [0 C( E7 x* tdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
* ~) l" y$ o7 k- \# X3 o( EThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
* W: d9 `3 P  O5 L, cWhy can`t I take it easy?
" d$ Y2 [! H+ v! L" f  t7 r/ Z$ THow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
9 F. W6 T; z) ^3 VWhen the quiet night comes1 B& \7 Y8 _' }" H
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
9 J$ v) w6 ^  Y7 a4 f3 s3 GThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.9 `& I$ F  O  N$ X, ^
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,# J8 k4 B! e8 {, ^
light the dark corner in my mind.+ |* e0 a2 t- B; E5 u/ ^# o
I feel a bit of cozy.
/ r6 y" P3 r/ g; F, }The deep attached to you in a twinkling
% x  i/ l4 w: Fmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
  |  M7 ?7 U6 |; ^$ l+ bI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,4 c. S& {3 t5 w- c% U9 @* Z
but accompanying with the time passed3 y0 p5 n. A% Z. r+ G! u
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,  w' L7 X4 h$ n0 L  h" Y  F
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.+ R/ x3 e8 A  p2 G5 F
Without asking if you like me or if I like you1 K3 Y0 H4 {0 v" O
only feel gracious for your existing,
, d. T" h5 \/ bonlt want to do something for you.
0 W' U5 L6 I% @4 k3 o0 O. v/ `Every time when you meet me4 Q6 m. r% w" ^4 b( _8 m
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,5 u% ~/ V0 B8 e9 N
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere: Q/ O( q: }& R. o/ k- E1 _  u
That live in my heart.
/ T/ q5 N2 u- N! e/ SDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?7 g2 e" x/ ^" Y6 I- p) P5 V
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice) s2 q# x# `% H. k- N
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.% h. ]) m8 o/ y6 B
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
# x$ a: Q7 g3 s1 y) y" x! dsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.2 r, E0 Y: u' Q) f7 l: z2 ]" t
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,; Z  i2 h5 t; M8 R8 ?1 I. ^
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
6 ~% O: }" S# r( |5 z+ fSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy & k8 J0 T, _4 D2 U" M% H% d9 J
only waiting for you quietly
6 A  u7 }9 [- W- X+ n. Sjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
/ G% o5 W+ k6 A) ^% p$ R; dI really want to ramble in the small rain with you   A3 {' D( Z" M7 ?
and enjoy the rain washing together
5 j* [2 ]- B/ k$ dor rush to a film
* [+ m0 O7 T, u& r3 y/ A) r% A$ cor listen to a music quietly.
. ~8 e- }0 O6 PWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?/ o' E' x- \2 v6 u
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
: V: W' @% O4 [* A# n# Z( r$ Bsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".0 [4 l* y+ j6 z& w, o
That is enough.
8 ]' o4 A% r$ n* W- tMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
4 [7 K% ~) O2 a. d9 ufinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
) R# m6 }0 c% [4 H1 s& `+ Ethe same as my missing.
8 q0 L/ }& i; c8 O( t3 e' ZIt comes a little bit of verdure.. ], x* y. p: s4 D% H
If, If some day I can touch your hand, ' E  G" Y$ Q9 ]% r- L. e& o
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.' F) M$ `4 p2 r9 H$ y$ n  P3 J. b0 t
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
2 m& |% o! t& k+ j8 bI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.8 o* C% A5 x& h0 u) u5 _! K2 {$ T0 f
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
; H1 w: R2 e2 c- jthen I will have all care and ardor.
8 d9 _+ p; a4 O- H4 y2 J6 {, z9 V) eShall we walk arm in arm?
! K3 Z8 V8 _5 X. P呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.* _0 k' t1 ^7 f
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
% Q" F5 i1 V% B: O4 w4 AI am still the same person of yesterday.
& i3 o! ?5 x0 FUnchanged name, unchanged I.! |# z8 U6 O4 ?! m' s/ v' r
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
5 n, U1 q) e1 BLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.& C7 @; I' h0 J) |' x6 q: n0 a$ j2 o* X
More or less,
2 M7 l: s$ f% b1 ~! O a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
: l5 T; }; s. ~2 R0 I8 A
! k8 ?' h: w: A. X  _: M/ O% OSummer easily slips away
4 q( t$ Y, ?: v: _3 NThose long lost hot nights
- }- U+ b7 f6 Z+ } can only be found in the old days. + S& H# e5 n2 j) G1 Z4 c+ h" a/ j' G

! M! t% c" L: {3 i* ^9 D" iCats jumping over the window sills, / |' q, L# ~) P1 {# P7 B
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 & |- z2 Q: I/ L$ P4 }3 x
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
- E5 F. \4 ?  CLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.9 Z6 o1 r: k3 T& g6 c
I am still the same person of yesterday.! f2 E; [1 {0 \; t& Q" K1 H! }
Unchanged name, unchange ...

6 f- m$ ]1 Y, h
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
, E# o, C  }2 i$ I& \6 BGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.8 m& [6 h# y7 x- h3 f7 c7 k: E4 [
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.1 Q; b) y/ k# T! f1 D" Q
I am still the same person of yesterday.
7 Y$ J- |0 I' m3 M* QUnchanged name, unchange ...
* H9 Z1 T, @! O9 ^
i like it.
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