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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
6 l+ p2 I* j: g9 B% Z9 l4 x7 {# F,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  9 {6 J- z6 o6 D/ U* Z2 n/ o; R8 f; r
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
, M' t7 k+ Y7 b现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
3 P1 w9 R. o; B9 D  h9 ]梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.  o, _0 l6 |% f* K5 \2 N
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.+ I& ~  p3 u* G. l
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
1 y/ v. g  h! A猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
- ?8 i$ `+ c7 x: U就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.2 I0 @: D. Z4 c  D6 ^. L
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及  }& q( S2 ]0 R! F& B& J
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
; h% d5 k- u3 j' |世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
# r4 d6 ]; E1 r) Y8 P+ S& p2 y昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
% l4 \  O0 @; Z. _- K想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
" t; `; e( M/ Y最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
! H1 B* S8 Y! @: T  O+ U1 Z寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?, o" K( s. ~( c, C
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.! |) @+ u/ Z6 a( v0 ^
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
; O/ r0 E7 ]4 _5 k' m6 T( g最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
" v! y" d. z0 A0 O0 S9 ~6 ^0 y多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
' h7 e  k& ]# B+ }" r2 B$ i8 ^Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
, y$ L4 T' o  f2 Q; @- o; i多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
6 t0 m% l  o- z/ }不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
0 u* p" q" D& d% g( X, P6 j3 `3 y多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
% n- @0 i+ J/ i' ^8 `- U/ v为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?. X  w. N4 @! R# R, C; m: I  M
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
1 S# a! k; S/ d8 H! g( z' u8 r永难平息的泪
$ X- `: J$ Q+ K8 b+ \% x8 H每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes' j* F" d; X" r# g/ x7 d
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
, f- t+ l& _# v. H# Y: j* r" q0 s当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
, T& L5 y/ b) W6 j让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,* O  F% h4 Q" q- R& \: c
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
7 v) C5 n; B7 F9 D一抹微笑;; I7 t1 ]! n( I8 I/ {- k
一个手势;
, @  F$ g$ m8 z/ \/ y! v一片话语,
3 G7 w/ D9 w  @* Q! z3 y8 l) R愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、/ W- Y( o" C1 ]' g4 ~, C% C: u: n* l
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner7 R+ B0 ~) _3 N4 b+ K
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.7 N& g5 _( {+ }
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
, v- m4 j3 I; j) [; [7 u也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..6 r. O* R7 N2 h4 H2 v5 v$ [
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
% L( h" U0 |1 Y' A我并不以为然。
9 _% R: c; P$ \& Q可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
3 K- M" @0 H/ P1 W0 M7 ^0 n3 Y. A慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
/ M& [' p4 q3 t7 y7 ]. a1 p被一种情绪所左右,
2 U1 R9 M7 C# m% b4 @1 \' D* u总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .3 G. c4 ~% m9 m# m+ k& _7 x9 c
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
; ^! p# U" S. Y" f) ~2 P也不问我是否喜欢你,
! j) l& F. W3 l8 C3 J+ N对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
' V: ^) _! j% l2 H; B, H$ l只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
7 g+ R; u4 @: x3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
3 N" Y. l1 h7 D) l) s心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
0 f) h, @+ j, E, i! b% D; |. q0 o然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere & d  S; y4 x  i+ \/ @0 ?5 C
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
6 ]$ V) L* g; R- h( q) j1 D3 t# M; ]记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.+ {' K& X$ \6 M2 O2 d/ |
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
$ R8 o' p5 k+ a3 n4 ~/ x随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
* T9 n  C8 e- ?& [) r" G8 v* c* t哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,% F0 d1 C  j7 U5 W6 T) ]
一种声音,and your voice
' ^8 ~/ O( m0 S' y+ f也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.1 k# Q$ J& R3 \  o
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
& ~1 [7 l4 {' Q1 [# u与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
1 f7 {8 p% p3 Y, W3 y! ~5 U象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
8 L+ m- u/ K- b1 [倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.2 f" E- G/ R5 }8 `1 e3 v/ c
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。2 }4 y* y) ?8 B  O. d
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss/ r* H: T* p( r. U  ^4 c
有一个能够让思念的人,. l7 n' I& j5 Z. M, {1 c% T  ~
其实也是一种幸福。) K9 c1 N) |% K7 q2 I0 P
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
$ u: C, y1 w- D9 d5 E柔柔的海风,
2 {; b! Y3 l, q$ t甜甜的夏天。
2 T) i& B6 G( e6 g  e6 R/ N一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 8 w1 ]( j& _9 S& l6 `6 Q" V4 r) i
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.* j* o& R, r% d) a1 r
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
& Q6 e5 \- x% ^. N9 |" L; O想和你有共同的情结,
+ P' ?, f! K8 g; c' B8 ]; m$ U共同的心愿。
; r( L) _& n, X6 F! y% B; z/ r% ^# n$ G# V4 J/ m
1 Q2 [0 y+ P2 Y9 u
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
% j8 e! q) Y* V% C一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
. p0 W) w) Z, x3 l或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
% I/ K, a) {# m5 b6 P) D或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.+ i; p% M5 e2 q: \
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
6 n0 _- A$ i& g1 Q9 ~& q% u+ }5 k我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
# C; f: c8 q( i浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
4 G; o, u- H7 H' w$ N2 b. |: ~或是轻轻的一吻,
) E' Z2 @  ~0 \" N# M3 T再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』9 e# y4 [# }+ V9 O# \/ J/ a
就足够了. That is enough.; F8 }7 ^7 X- }+ d! q; \2 M: h9 v: ]- W
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
+ \: \- x$ C$ r5 F5 d  s终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
3 m% `  F$ P# e! _萌出了芽,
1 o/ }: |) ^" Q一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
0 D( g1 g+ V6 @8 F' w0 f  K  C( f4 C浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.* O" {5 v# E- \0 @: V/ [/ V3 a
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand" c$ r* _2 p# E) Z- J# C
能够牵著你的手,5 v: d& d  j$ J4 E$ ?
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.' q9 V8 J- e# u# ]0 I: a9 x7 M
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 7 v+ P" b# r: h3 ^: r
慢慢地细读,# {, }& |# y3 l" P3 E4 t$ @* w8 k
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 5 {- b# A* e& L! b% B/ R  f
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
2 u0 d+ h* }  p& }我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
2 ~# x; e* Y! f8 N) {. q# @: @* c/ Y; \就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:- n$ `- }# I" L8 v2 J
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago4 {, s3 _5 I. F% |
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.' t* Q) M1 y( J
change to:lacked
; H; H3 x% M: u. a% n猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
! C% Q+ g/ `; v5 c, WCats often played at the whole hot night.  O! z% \* ]6 R4 t9 R
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
$ O7 e5 D  C  h" |改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
4 S% q* S# V7 YI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 9 `$ P1 w% b+ {" V5 L9 }( Y
该为:throughyour hands.& V+ z- b- T  P5 Q
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
. I1 D) Y) }+ `/ w3 N% q' R( p不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。- Q) o) n+ r0 i2 f# a
至少比我强。' D1 H) e4 t! K6 p
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
0 ~# ?- t& \+ b: J- ^8 `' P& \4 V
9 J; [6 h, w: I5 W2 y! S这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
" [6 [" a$ p: x6 R! t后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.3 T6 ^$ j4 @+ y- ^  G2 g! P
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
5 J1 ~& G" T& x前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:. f; G. l9 U! f, ]4 q+ M  s
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.4 `- p8 q. }: T) H" `
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.' I; Z" w$ \7 g/ ~8 \
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.$ F: e+ o, u# c5 A5 w& V
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.% A8 N* C0 J2 w
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something./ x! i+ ?3 ^6 M7 \: o
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
% t  T  ]8 a, Y2 q, x# ZCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 3 q: v* @. d5 M8 ]+ A& h- I
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence." h8 m% O, P' N# W: |
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.1 t/ m0 ?; ]3 H2 Y+ k. N, \
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
/ W, K# D8 B9 w5 e; fThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
$ @$ \7 D! c1 \/ DI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
) C9 r0 e: T" O% Y, J. tI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.' _4 R9 ]+ F  ~0 ~$ F; r6 O5 u
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
6 c! w, ]! J# o3 X" [Intoxicated then feel cold,- o# b- `) Q3 ]- b& N% {
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
5 E1 u$ k# a6 h. _  M3 AI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.  u5 L- @7 j2 Q$ b" r# \
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?) ?5 {, [/ A7 b% j- J7 f
Why I am always hoodwinked!, r6 e8 C" L6 t3 `' q( _
I have told myself many times cautiously 7 q2 U8 o, j  z5 \3 G
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
& g9 E% B6 Z4 N9 ~The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.$ _; i9 J2 D4 u* a7 |) Q
Why can`t I take it easy?
1 I% F9 Q1 K" _& sHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!5 V% B6 Q) ?# H+ H
When the quiet night comes
: }- E* ]' n- N* z0 uyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
- d4 j! w( j, g) q3 }) n. ^The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
2 U7 e7 n' m" Q# W& P- wYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,# O' X- Y5 p- a8 \& S& D; x, Y( _6 G
light the dark corner in my mind." o5 W) w2 I  E. s* t1 u
I feel a bit of cozy.
9 f# `1 F5 y! E; |% OThe deep attached to you in a twinkling4 ~9 `* I( M1 g3 s2 Z
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
# y' T+ }, i: QI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
1 J( f7 z! Z  z7 ]3 R% T2 n4 Mbut accompanying with the time passed  t, i2 N2 Z1 h& H
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,8 B% a. z9 q2 p' T
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
0 T: W! g' J9 i6 B! @$ Y+ gWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
/ C6 ]$ o/ s; H+ D/ ?0 _only feel gracious for your existing,! E: w, b- f3 U& t
onlt want to do something for you.
: ]5 ?7 X. o8 @4 K: sEvery time when you meet me
) O$ l: x( D0 X) ?the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
0 O) h: k# O- `. R5 ~# Ebut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
; D7 b6 u* I  n* e% j8 CThat live in my heart." k' a; u( P  ?# u1 s3 P# l7 {
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?8 P5 j' s; O( g/ G7 d' W
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice; U: w! x5 F7 @$ T: v" g' t9 N
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
) W, M+ C) t4 \5 {# AThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land& I2 {) l! F7 t
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.4 K9 U: D6 |+ B1 X/ W7 {
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
! T) O" f( n0 G4 V8 vespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
8 P. X2 c9 {+ U3 P% E/ @' oSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 4 [! F( F0 `! K# l. W; Y$ d
only waiting for you quietly
! n, y5 \/ W- k& k7 |just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
% Q, w) k6 _1 c0 f! b- UI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
& ~9 V+ L& b2 l, b0 E5 o: Iand enjoy the rain washing together; B/ ?# |) z( O6 Q1 N
or rush to a film
  `) K5 S5 B5 zor listen to a music quietly.
0 v, \' @& B7 u! J$ `' G- Y- _! }Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?1 O* Q. \/ \9 s% R% S" w% J6 r8 q
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,/ A5 ?7 F: v* l2 [5 ~9 F3 u% O
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".  T5 m* ^- Z. b& b
That is enough.2 a0 |  f" Y% V; U5 y+ `
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
) L, t! Q3 J# J5 r) I6 xfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
- m1 D$ S7 i* O+ Q5 N% H  l7 Mthe same as my missing.+ t7 K& M' ~  S: ~6 S2 ^& I
It comes a little bit of verdure.
5 e4 ^8 n- q- i) t/ v7 PIf, If some day I can touch your hand, + `6 `6 @1 n) }
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
" M) c2 ?- r' _* l* I  D% B( }Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
1 k! Z5 J! H" g1 {, lI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.; \& Z" Y6 v$ t
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,3 l3 \6 K2 C$ K; `& e" K$ D' L5 ~
then I will have all care and ardor.; ^! e% f2 t5 n! M+ Q3 ]
Shall we walk arm in arm?
& \6 [/ H3 d1 g" Q$ v' V呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light., z: J$ C7 N- P) K; a4 Q7 c) F/ |
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.( _8 y3 X+ y, J; M( a1 d
I am still the same person of yesterday./ a1 G/ ?" }5 h' ^; d
Unchanged name, unchanged I.) k& b* F4 \, \
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
$ a" S& t) g* _# F8 ?. s) W! t; {2 n6 kLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.& R" }) b3 y; j4 J
More or less,% K/ }  _/ r, A8 l& n& \8 c" N: H
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
2 i* z9 w- c+ Q5 P( @9 g' w) B
. d! ^% {# X3 USummer easily slips away+ ?6 Q( e! |0 Q
Those long lost hot nights' m; [# X5 M! B, h8 T  @
can only be found in the old days.
! D2 e1 c: v3 i/ h9 {& B) k2 @) }% @: c# G$ P9 D+ H
Cats jumping over the window sills, + R1 a) @; |1 n. Y$ h$ s* ]
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 3 {, W' [' L4 {% d
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
' i6 p# i- O% r! @* [Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.  V) _% _& E! S& E5 Y# H* C
I am still the same person of yesterday.; w0 [5 i' \! e+ O+ m
Unchanged name, unchange ...
) b4 p) n: q; E
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
6 T7 g) z, y* ^7 I8 I# h6 iGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.0 I1 }# I* s1 S# m6 c/ f3 Z
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
$ Q5 J, w1 L4 D' MI am still the same person of yesterday." {, [" B- n  v& q+ x9 D
Unchanged name, unchange ...
" [! k4 t7 J- a0 D
i like it.
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