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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
' ~# i3 X6 e. p6 H# _,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
6 t" U9 K; }: I" m$ {. K) s' B零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
7 {* o) Y4 x4 h/ Y5 v: _- ~9 E现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
; \% E2 i4 t; f& N8 b% r7 d' ]1 f梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
) [2 m: @( E2 p1 r. p) \+ W眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
  _$ y& q. e7 w) z  b, b% C夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.# U! L) v& F8 X4 A$ j$ k
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool." I" v, F: T0 o
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
( Y) e4 w) a& m  P% |我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
  t$ [1 ^9 @, T2 R那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
3 X* U; o* F' T+ L. \! b世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
# p6 M' O+ @" \5 ^# N昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night./ Y8 e; K3 Z; Y' T7 m3 ?& [" s  M6 [
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
) Q5 U' [* c4 _5 f9 Y最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
$ o" b. r) O9 M, o) A& m5 K0 C寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?! D  f- A/ K/ u! B7 ^1 c
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.  F! D$ j# }% `" J5 o0 D
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.* {9 i# v6 k9 E! K  R+ F
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
5 ^+ f1 w) |% E* B' Z  Y) i多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
  s( o4 b+ F- P. |; e" A! X6 d, AWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….2 s5 c- R4 {" ^; d( j
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
6 ~  @- x0 Z5 ?& z# t不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
2 W9 E2 E: k# _- Y( y2 |" y多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
2 D, _5 L9 S) t: L9 w# Y# z; [为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
2 S3 w' n. r2 O- W( \+ v1 Z多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!6 l& W# b: u- C* D0 v3 [$ s
永难平息的泪+ ~. U; S. d, r! o+ e
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes" h" Q6 m8 O2 W3 e$ H5 X
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.# B/ Q! i  w; ]! I8 V
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.* p/ _, ~; w( F* d1 R5 p
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
+ k3 M8 r. M# ^你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 4 d; Z- A" d) ]8 l( \
一抹微笑;
1 V& B9 v9 ?6 ^, k% F一个手势;: J7 M( K! X( T7 m$ ?: W3 O2 _& L1 c
一片话语,
5 y" s, \( z1 y+ `( d6 O, n5 |  @愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、7 l& @7 ~  U! A; S+ |; }8 k% |
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
0 @- c# q; g9 Z+ D心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.: |! Z8 K% q- A
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
( @0 C% h4 t! ]* D也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
: b# y; a  E* b# e( Y) e* n4 a# P起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
) j% }% p5 [+ @' y9 u7 {% [, O* m4 a我并不以为然。$ R2 ?) U/ y* J7 f9 |9 `* c
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
( T5 _" r5 m1 m慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .! }0 \+ c3 V# }
被一种情绪所左右,9 k* g" p. ^  E1 e/ l
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
' D. D. R; a" J& E即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you+ ^; w/ O; E( ^* y) ]1 u
也不问我是否喜欢你,
, q, p  E9 L( {: b+ J! K对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
( f0 g% I, d% Z+ F1 s只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you# L% \% F# o* r* A% W8 [/ h" E
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you  U3 t$ g1 r7 w6 Z! e7 q4 F
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil8 V1 p6 B$ S  J; m: ?  Z
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere $ `5 Z$ ]( j& a' }
你的身影已化成一种氛围," T) v7 X6 V& [
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
& G% D) l! M9 s$ T, f) o你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 1 e# j2 |1 \& A( N3 T
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字9 a" |8 r- T) R% @* T6 f9 B
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
1 \. e1 H# Q/ \一种声音,and your voice9 R! }$ c& W* u/ a* l6 F9 c5 e
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.9 \. O6 W2 o& L
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
: Q" M" G  d& F- B% P与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
4 Q& f1 w1 G& D# M1 Z, H0 w3 Y, W5 @% ?象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
) \: T1 Q$ V/ `1 C倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.( X% \, a5 q9 T: B8 T  U" K
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
3 M6 y0 N3 \  U5 ^4 e你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss# c5 A  H. r$ V) }. r
有一个能够让思念的人,
' [( F8 E& s1 [! |9 d/ d1 \& X其实也是一种幸福。7 f5 A! Q) O" p& R8 \: ~
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. : Q$ L9 A  [' X
柔柔的海风,
& q* H' P/ i: s5 U甜甜的夏天。
2 U' H/ F+ [# {1 b! @% S- o一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
0 N9 \- @- W* Q2 z只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
6 D+ l, q$ l! O. v8 i" V仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.5 u" R3 A. O2 e  i  i* O
想和你有共同的情结,8 X3 J5 G, F" X0 u( M
共同的心愿。
0 Q* |* M/ S" m% a0 h& w: i1 p  \8 K  t0 C% J2 o5 S
- k8 j) B+ Q0 _( e  t9 G
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you) u1 K7 \- ]; u5 N
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together; s- k7 C( c1 Z7 f5 _
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
$ k! C0 D% f% `或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
3 e: V6 p8 |; e( y『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?* _" i; W8 G' O' a2 }
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 4 ]& G+ P8 ~& B$ @4 f6 h
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”4 n2 G! L* _: X. Z9 A
或是轻轻的一吻,
# ^5 ]# }6 `8 j# E7 }" Z再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』" n  n2 g9 j5 p
就足够了. That is enough.
3 E. j3 \: A# o5 i这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ) b& z0 v; c( ]8 C- u; ], ~, u
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
- u# o$ [+ D# s- i萌出了芽,9 H2 S+ p) S/ H* g, f
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing1 F; S$ I4 `" q) g2 `
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure., e0 B7 z) e$ s& o' x
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
+ l2 b+ }* v5 j7 v3 A( H" }能够牵著你的手,: K6 P' }* e) f- F9 V# C7 ~$ c0 ]
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ Q8 Z+ @+ B4 U7 Q! }让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
# z: J) T, k8 r6 d慢慢地细读,
0 [5 R8 C! H, f2 C0 d我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. & H/ J  X2 T2 w& Q- h% D3 y
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
$ F1 u1 ?+ z- \/ n, e2 i我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor " k& C% |* N6 P) ]* b
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:3 y  g7 }  `1 q- l# R
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
' q6 u4 o5 ^! o8 Z& z0 J眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
' @' ~8 w3 J  V5 R- e% Y$ j2 ichange to:lacked
6 L  r9 {+ w" ~4 c2 e' L猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
0 X: X( _7 t; F9 v* cCats often played at the whole hot night.
5 t; j' g1 j  m; h- M: ] 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及7 n* L9 }' n+ C. j& x4 Q
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.$ J" N) b% u3 }
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. + |& H4 \3 K) ~/ M7 ~- ~
该为:throughyour hands.
( q* J; N7 F0 X还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
9 m0 N4 E; a3 E3 ?2 k& M不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
8 }" ?4 G, e% k& q# M* M7 G! p至少比我强。
# `# R8 ?+ @1 e6 d7 P偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
: N3 f, |1 i; D8 W
( `/ f# f  G4 `. F这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
) w, Q1 J- Z* f2 Y. s; }$ v2 O0 f5 o后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
" `8 x5 `$ U7 D3 }谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.+ B3 t+ Y" M5 l4 A) [) b
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
1 l: `9 @5 e6 cEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.4 B9 ]2 s: b7 `1 x# {+ U, ~
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
0 ^! ^$ J) V1 B. z Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.; v9 \" b9 Q& _, }4 X3 I: [
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
% _% k+ C! [' W5 n& ]3 c4 `Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.' ?, |2 P: A* z: [9 a
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:' R6 q0 [& n1 |- S& u# ?( s
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
+ i0 a+ p- o2 O+ N  @3 Plike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.8 t0 ]( h7 h' |. @2 @( I
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.% d6 h8 T- q- \7 H8 i1 b
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.7 ]5 T+ l, Z+ ^
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.# w% C+ t5 j# K1 X  _
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.4 f% ]2 b3 L" X; @% v+ K
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.7 B+ N& @% s3 {( h. D
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
8 W, ]& X6 C8 C5 ]0 W* zIntoxicated then feel cold,
5 n) s) ?+ b3 J4 J. Xthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
5 e/ `% Q& O$ |8 YI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 {0 _) K2 R' g! q! l* J
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
* X% o! r$ @" kWhy I am always hoodwinked!2 ]* @6 q' r; h: J5 X
I have told myself many times cautiously
/ ?, K3 v7 \9 j" @don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.* m7 ~* U8 D4 H& F
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.( D' Y* p+ x* R, B
Why can`t I take it easy?9 ~+ w9 ~9 d3 B
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
7 e) l# }9 \0 ~; x' ?: CWhen the quiet night comes# `+ Q* K$ c  X& T% f- f
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.  N  \, X/ D, h
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
8 Q8 E! q5 V, B' Y( C& A- }Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,2 Y" x! t9 v9 e( ?# q6 I
light the dark corner in my mind., T5 f4 q: g4 K2 S$ b0 |
I feel a bit of cozy.
- C9 Y) e: z( R- {1 V' g7 \0 ~6 I5 xThe deep attached to you in a twinkling/ Z& H; N; {! z$ {" o
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life., ^( j; H. E; V
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,$ L- T* F$ {* _9 k
but accompanying with the time passed
! E1 q) U" z/ |+ v6 v# J* HI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,/ F, u+ ?. ^9 i& m# ^6 U6 b& _
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.8 i) s, v8 k  v. V7 n
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
1 g* c) f. t4 d2 C( v( |only feel gracious for your existing,
  U9 Q& R7 D1 G5 fonlt want to do something for you.3 ^# l; a7 v7 ]6 N+ G# K7 C: W3 R7 P3 A
Every time when you meet me
4 I" e) ~+ S' M( pthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,4 _' ^2 M' W. S! B
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere! m( O7 Q7 @4 m9 t  T
That live in my heart.' p: Q; l5 W: c$ s, k
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
2 W% p% T; u9 w! Z( GEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
0 g/ j; |+ O. emake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
7 E: l. J6 A6 n7 Q. g, R  hThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land) U0 v; g+ B  Y; J) Z
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
8 Y5 Y* _$ K3 ]; ]6 D3 H& U$ kDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,- g; U0 q; c# d/ ^( H
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer./ [( c$ h' i9 z8 C  S
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
, J- m8 L& s. H9 Y2 G2 J- H( _) H1 }- ponly waiting for you quietly  J& `  }! D1 g5 q& _5 `7 R& P% B
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.5 k& k. T7 p+ Q& E/ \
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you 7 j$ [. h( i+ g  b% h! _! a6 j
and enjoy the rain washing together
2 f* S6 b) _: `9 ]  H9 c$ Wor rush to a film( l0 a' T  O( d$ y6 g
or listen to a music quietly.
$ v& q+ ]0 U( P2 J8 |* U7 v" _2 y1 z) nWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
* E. ^- W2 E  v8 I- Q; w* ]If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,  i; h( n, \! a) Y# U& Q4 M
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".& _8 w9 C9 X. z  E, k4 _3 w4 I* ?4 I" q
That is enough.
) Q* K: P" a) J$ f/ ~  _Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,2 q( }- I9 G4 p. [! r; R
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,% a& {" ?% V$ _& l% G9 n. }2 _
the same as my missing.
; G0 A& o* D  r. y, V6 N) GIt comes a little bit of verdure.
$ E6 s) W' ^( s" JIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
+ j% l# o* }3 M3 B0 U6 U6 Q% Ythen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
' Q* z  w0 G9 e. w2 w5 iLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
' c) f: R6 U8 o$ [I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.8 C8 ~( x* c) m& ?2 i2 V
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
& p5 z: y  I( {& g: V3 {then I will have all care and ardor.
" _& G, i8 O0 C. g* P7 e: m3 QShall we walk arm in arm?
8 d0 ?0 P$ S& g) U2 }/ M4 f呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
/ v, S8 S3 s% G1 k7 N4 R# c% RLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.. j* G  L* I% b7 x( Y1 s3 v: e  V
I am still the same person of yesterday.; }+ F' f. j# l$ f' y& C2 @+ Y7 p
Unchanged name, unchanged I./ a# m: Z: V8 {' n% h4 q) K1 D
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
- L. G) v5 n) F8 QLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk., ^8 |$ Q+ w/ l6 Y, b
More or less,
+ }) d7 g' {0 h  J. Z4 H& M, _$ y5 \ a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
9 B' y6 m7 @6 d9 l& g6 d0 f
% N" d. p+ f3 @1 B- u0 p/ [6 ^- VSummer easily slips away
0 E8 [6 I$ p* M5 H8 d+ j1 HThose long lost hot nights
4 L/ G6 a, H0 l3 v can only be found in the old days.
7 Z9 N1 ?. P1 v. r' l
- h! b# m& Z* F5 jCats jumping over the window sills, " }& l/ O9 v0 l) ?- X
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 0 _- A2 n* v. ?5 ^3 y: k8 i  b
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
1 ]- z0 I1 F7 D) T1 P8 `0 C- r' WLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.; Y. O4 {6 y! [4 G% K
I am still the same person of yesterday.( X7 [& p8 }, s, C( ]
Unchanged name, unchange ...

$ c% V( i1 h: D, E0 G* h
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ! T9 x( R. P. b1 w6 r7 @6 _
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
" o' b# f9 T2 C5 KLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' E8 q0 D% Y9 p- t: N
I am still the same person of yesterday.6 C: `  S1 N2 T3 h  K+ p# V
Unchanged name, unchange ...
2 b, O. z" \& k9 F( T
i like it.
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