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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
: T' S5 z, d: d,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
3 m8 \( i, h4 T$ i+ y' ?零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
7 m! N1 z! v3 `& l- C现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
+ a2 A# |( z0 c6 [梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
, O2 z% q/ p9 E3 R5 r眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
+ ]6 c5 ~3 Z" ?; c% j+ L9 r* \夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
+ G3 N* h4 y, s+ T2 C0 ?猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.+ [8 \" j) X6 T/ s! ~
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
, K9 ?/ u: ]+ I; m7 ~. l( w4 U- U我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
6 Q0 D! K9 Y6 l8 I3 x# w2 j3 |那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
/ ]9 f8 c' H1 H6 G8 C世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.# M3 _1 q( ^0 g8 T" f" ~  Q
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.4 p4 F, s. D/ |3 v
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
$ S5 Y4 v6 P, s5 v& W最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. ) O+ z+ S4 ]5 ?! W
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?* C7 j1 {; e* c8 i5 ?- ?
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
, s% g/ {& p: l8 ?$ y迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.! i- k5 T# y9 V- i
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.' e0 ]4 j3 r) o# |) ]
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
! E  }+ f1 g1 z+ N7 [# o. rWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
1 e- Z3 a! c( w9 ?* f6 {多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
$ T$ R6 V. K7 L' h6 V不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.1 ~  |9 o, q9 h9 D
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
/ m2 K# b) H% U为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?( J2 @% }& ^9 i% N5 Q/ Y8 ?
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!3 U" X; C5 N# l( Y1 \
永难平息的泪
0 H" V3 o; b0 b& S" X, t, ?每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
* i' Y/ i2 o% E$ t9 f~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes./ f+ [0 W8 M# e' t( I+ s
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.: Z4 A; e7 U" _" \+ ~
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,' k, x: b! @' V' [' k2 p9 [
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 3 Y: r5 \2 J- B
一抹微笑;7 w/ j, ]8 z- r. A! s' }5 S
一个手势;7 J7 B' c, t2 S
一片话语,+ c; n, |" C( v7 C0 X* r; a
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、; q$ i  x# O# V) D( i* V3 s! m
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
) C% V9 W# q- Z心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.7 R* h* v. F! e" k& u- K
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling. a' N3 a8 U' o7 ~* U; R. w  t
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life../ @0 u; _/ E" C: f! ~5 |( [" c
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
% Z6 u- l- i" O我并不以为然。
1 O- {6 u7 p* g9 ~* \3 U0 @$ }可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 7 R7 i" d! _& X5 u) z
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
, Z6 a0 z7 |& x, S  i$ s被一种情绪所左右,
0 V% m2 |7 e: p  d) e) N总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
, h# a) p0 o  {即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
, X& o/ |7 R9 ~/ r也不问我是否喜欢你,
/ \! ^, P$ g% E( Q/ o1 {1 W对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.3 G4 x/ m2 r5 K- Z) l
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
" d( s2 v5 [. a( e4 }$ _3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
6 Y: k4 @1 q: ]5 f3 }心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
* g3 L6 {* j) V  d  S& ^然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
7 K! Z9 I/ h0 p& H你的身影已化成一种氛围,
2 w8 q1 R" x0 E+ l6 q7 t记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
# t) J8 G- s+ b% W8 K" Q* [; M& ^# l. c你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 9 r1 g4 J, j: f0 |( p  g" ]
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字( U1 @! c6 j, s  S. \$ k/ @
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,. B7 q) ]5 ?8 q- S9 a4 }% X+ y3 C
一种声音,and your voice
9 ^& ~( j9 }. z9 Q* z6 t# W也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
! ~$ Z( Z2 j/ u9 d掺杂著幸福的感觉。
6 w# a+ R: ?- G- D- G) g与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
; I0 ~! B  C. b象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
$ H: K3 V& f  H5 t, P/ X$ |+ ]! J/ o倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.$ u) C4 f. r- E
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
* n2 ]% S9 C7 L0 y& S你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss# ~! F3 `$ q% P6 H9 Y5 [
有一个能够让思念的人,
/ ]! \7 c4 B! M! v8 K% \! l其实也是一种幸福。
7 i8 F$ u; b7 R* Y5 e4 B$ P; Q尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
* Y- q2 }* @% |& O0 ]柔柔的海风,
. h$ z- ^" |' Q/ N8 p9 w3 P甜甜的夏天。
) [! D' `. w9 ^9 Y7 Q一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
$ y' r7 X! y. p) A) H# u, r& G$ j" Q只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
) x. n  x* K, B仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.6 j  ?- u' t: w3 S) o' y
想和你有共同的情结,9 }$ v6 A$ E) B6 Y$ t, w" a7 P
共同的心愿。2 v5 C  p! o& V  K" n
0 B3 u! D- n' v' p" ^% @: o$ q
8 D) Q) Y- ]. v( m* Q# o" p
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
  B* W4 O, S+ y& U; b一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
" d0 @; }+ R# G. W! e* P* d1 D或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
8 Z; a1 p6 ~; h/ s2 \( j. _或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
! X* W- e5 A: a1 d+ g9 m3 c『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
" k, H9 o1 `+ J* m6 U1 P我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
2 k4 a. x, g( Y3 W& N! W9 h浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
$ Y1 k' T. g6 c或是轻轻的一吻,
) |1 d* k. M2 C& z8 g再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
' s9 _6 n9 ~9 O) Q/ e1 S9 ?: z4 b就足够了. That is enough.
* P# j9 @% k1 H9 N+ N. k这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
- e% L" _, Y( h+ d# l+ E7 Q终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
) Q6 t& Z* T3 O1 ~6 a2 B- j) L* s萌出了芽,
7 C0 g( f6 [1 @! l) C一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
. v2 I8 I8 x% P1 ?3 }8 b浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.5 G9 o) C0 X1 E6 ^2 ?6 y
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
7 l1 A# z. K9 a4 b能够牵著你的手,) c4 j  F  i% U* x
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.# K4 M' y( O+ T6 j5 C: L: i
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 2 |+ g' g2 s2 ^/ C. n" }
慢慢地细读,
% {8 M0 d: f; u我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 5 ]* j( t, p* i( L* K4 H' Q/ u
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
' X5 Y. `) z8 `) M我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 6 @( t( Z1 g- u( I0 @; v
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:' P/ t5 h; y7 c9 m; K! j* b
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago8 t. d( R$ Q1 t9 R
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
% R/ _! o3 m$ P; a/ \; }change to:lacked
9 n4 q4 j( H) v6 v9 v: M. i3 O猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.! m6 k2 |0 @" z) a! Y. d# i+ ^
Cats often played at the whole hot night.9 M* _* A- e. [; w; l
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及  |6 Z% D  G- x% i
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
) r+ ]6 o' t7 a! S! k1 e  j1 o# }I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 1 Q% n+ U* z! _- ]$ K! s
该为:throughyour hands.1 S7 Y4 g9 a7 u# v0 Y+ d
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。* n& b7 @2 `' c! v5 I9 M: \
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
' [, U+ @' ]( r至少比我强。2 `: T! e/ y. j- n
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... $ W* z( x; ^4 n3 _

: ]) E  Q  @& |" T  l这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。$ y8 H4 s; t. @; w( o+ ?
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.9 d0 B# V+ w8 L# [5 o! b
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.# w# s) i, S: O5 ?! S, N! {
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
& `: g! e( o7 M* D5 \Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.0 }7 X7 O; Y' l$ N- J) c
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.3 G% {! h8 _9 ^- n2 t3 [) c
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
0 m9 ~8 w( }( O& y  k) GThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
3 Z  n2 v+ p4 L% N, f5 d2 kSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
3 i* u/ ?4 q4 ?7 A( a, cSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:$ B* ]( ], `" \& f
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 3 J0 B5 U" H* `8 m
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
+ }& i5 z/ J5 _; E) |6 ]2 @I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.' X2 @* }, _9 }0 v7 ^- u
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
+ E6 D4 v7 Z) V; U; HThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
5 ?7 E3 }% M$ A  LI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.' O+ t- d% c- T" A
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.! I% V% W) N7 L1 O8 X
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
* i$ ?* Y1 f- Y2 P3 ZIntoxicated then feel cold,
1 J; d5 u4 g, S- B$ y; t6 D  R$ ^the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.  F( t: m1 I' p& E  u8 V3 g1 H4 x
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
! X' o9 M2 u0 IThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?$ y/ F6 I2 z7 X8 h- ]
Why I am always hoodwinked!. F# q, b6 J2 f0 e* J1 Y# z0 d
I have told myself many times cautiously 3 ~0 |1 m+ s$ C# y6 F
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
! `7 q9 W5 F8 P- t5 eThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
  O) `# L4 ^' H3 k3 z( w! s' X8 DWhy can`t I take it easy?
( |7 m; Q9 y. ?" `2 r7 {+ X9 R# VHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
; O5 K0 p0 a9 P7 DWhen the quiet night comes+ X9 `0 n( m/ [7 F) w
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
0 X4 F# \, n" j9 I# PThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.+ P% e' `& @/ R# a: @
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
! i, N% }  q9 A/ e; jlight the dark corner in my mind.
, U" b" J7 [. f( OI feel a bit of cozy.) Z4 ^- M6 Q+ m' R. }1 z! l
The deep attached to you in a twinkling& k& M; l* X; {$ `! S
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
  {4 f4 m+ H' G/ Z  hI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
6 R, N- J9 I4 y* r# Abut accompanying with the time passed( y3 j+ J5 A4 n+ X3 U
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion," A5 p. }* P0 ~+ G( ~0 ?! N
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly., z* h9 r$ B! a6 d1 l
Without asking if you like me or if I like you/ v; D0 N! `) L" x& g
only feel gracious for your existing,  @- M' i2 i$ s* R( U5 a+ v
onlt want to do something for you.! P: C  \/ [# m4 Q& H
Every time when you meet me
0 s! s9 Q$ u) h0 B" a, ?1 ~) K$ L' Tthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
1 J) D- r; U% X% Ebut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% ~1 X5 R- q  AThat live in my heart.
- W& _3 R7 A" ^4 d& e$ ?( `Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?+ s* Q) y. t0 ~, h9 B# M3 p
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
" R- O5 N4 P7 B  }6 i2 W2 smake me gently distraught with happy feeling.: j# j" O$ v" t8 H+ Z! o
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
" }' O$ A7 _/ [7 N% Y: O: e8 Z5 l0 xsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
( e% p" t/ Y2 }: ^Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
  q* j1 U& W# Aespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.0 N/ }8 j- n/ z, E3 C$ p3 i
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
% B4 B5 r( R9 `! zonly waiting for you quietly. r5 R" [6 F) Y" u" I
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
7 k, v6 u* o8 F0 Z; D8 V+ u! G( }  R7 WI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
' S& A6 m3 g7 X' e8 {, v& D: Mand enjoy the rain washing together
0 h" p- H  B8 _0 i, cor rush to a film. _$ h  Z& r1 c% r/ z& U* ]
or listen to a music quietly." g# p5 n2 t( l4 H1 N0 v# t, \
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
- \* P6 J* C! }, _. X& b( c$ {If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
  A) M  y2 e4 G$ W! D) k; v) Fsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".. P! [! f: J3 |+ ~- A) w& L5 A0 c
That is enough.7 D0 u1 T6 M( m6 q% y
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
/ c% c2 k1 j' E" Sfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
+ W  i* l+ `# |2 ~6 l0 _) D- Ythe same as my missing.
/ H' T1 B4 u. v5 TIt comes a little bit of verdure.: w- l0 C2 Q0 H
If, If some day I can touch your hand, $ V0 W7 x! o/ i) M
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ R: \5 I) t% yLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
) m. j; s4 r% M' A+ C$ wI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
: R3 Q- r0 Z' c# pAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
& G+ ?1 g6 c1 C) K: s+ p5 j9 mthen I will have all care and ardor.
0 Y; H& _6 p* G: W- X8 X  a! G& Z. mShall we walk arm in arm?
" f; ?8 V/ Y) [# H呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.- K4 H" j2 }9 w: a% [% o) k6 X5 G
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
5 {4 E) X- K1 e0 d- i6 J2 i% z/ \I am still the same person of yesterday.
, A& x8 h# }0 rUnchanged name, unchanged I.
- r4 F1 k  y( l$ {Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. : Y  K8 s  s; r; m; D3 Z4 M6 f
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.. o4 {' h+ _: v8 j3 L- y/ K
More or less,+ n( ?$ [1 j1 [6 P7 z5 \# L% T
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
. P( B. D4 N' H
" H. V3 T0 r& A& ]/ jSummer easily slips away
& Y, ~& o4 k& Z# d* g# {3 LThose long lost hot nights$ `% ~# B. P2 l5 _9 J
can only be found in the old days.
+ r( W7 {0 x! @3 _6 U7 [# Z7 a; L& p6 ^5 g
Cats jumping over the window sills,
" X$ k1 S8 n, a) i/ dchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 4 m6 @' N+ |* d+ a5 p/ u
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
+ v& n& _; ^- x6 _: h; P" nLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
( a8 ^$ d* l8 x8 [I am still the same person of yesterday.! e3 A2 ?5 E' V& A: m( o& W2 Q
Unchanged name, unchange ...
9 D( F! ^- t3 U' g
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 5 `/ X  x$ E: Q0 `( e) D- \/ ]
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; \0 B" V7 p" ?+ B+ HLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.5 k- w6 i/ T+ x1 v9 H$ c
I am still the same person of yesterday.
) o, f7 a( X  u+ U4 x9 z9 ^- c, AUnchanged name, unchange ...

% c" y1 ?% k. n* hi like it.
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