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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,5 o5 i& x# N! F, v4 ?9 M- u
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
7 L' [" F8 b" u1 F# x( ~零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
( _5 p' ?9 L! k) q) Z1 d现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
* i& R- Z- q) N( z. O梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.  Y! o# b0 I1 Z4 b+ M: G
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
* Q# m/ [9 b* \8 u夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
% m2 a7 ]! J  s5 i: B猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.1 M9 g  Y1 |2 S8 o& w
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.5 O5 g: W1 r' f  }: D: B
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
* @) H  f4 V5 h. K- H那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。9 I( e6 U+ @% u  P$ q$ ?# x0 ~
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream., D7 V5 }" A8 s1 l
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.3 c6 F/ i( j2 K/ c; N% u
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
: S$ x' Z4 |( |( s最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 7 R' b( w. w2 }: z2 N3 z
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
1 {4 I7 \9 R; r+ n+ G+ ]/ ~醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
% x, G3 M( ^5 }# r' E4 J迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
* |  {) L) w) w: S4 a# q9 S" D最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.! Q+ B. C- ^3 k7 I. D1 V2 e6 @
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
& i5 \2 m) B; `# u+ qWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
( _+ ^& |' L9 T: \% c+ Q6 x+ G' ^7 S多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
' V1 L$ w7 n( O+ E! k% c6 n+ p4 Z! K不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
' }5 `$ v  ?+ t+ U7 K多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 9 O3 x, i6 p  I/ V
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
# N) ~+ S  ^9 d/ m2 @& G6 B多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
* [" B4 B2 M  [5 R1 M) Z& o永难平息的泪
/ V; H% i- y$ D+ v每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes) G% J& p; D3 X" @
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.+ @: Y/ s" Y! |( m% T' s& T
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.$ b8 C) c% d' Q8 M5 {2 b2 i% f2 Y
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
2 B  w8 m% q# M# {: D你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul , b- K; [: J# d; d" D$ Q4 N
一抹微笑;# O. g6 d4 n. |2 }- A+ R' s
一个手势;
/ B, t- q9 |1 h! C* L2 ?一片话语,
$ a% v8 l" @1 M+ G* x1 I愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、2 I. N# L, A& n: L& n
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner; K' b( P3 i; t- ?7 C
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
9 I5 R+ i7 M7 o7 E+ P7 @这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling6 P+ I1 @" Z) K8 c8 k
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..9 {; i4 d; w  g1 X! O% ~$ E1 l
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,. W+ y; V2 Y) J
我并不以为然。# C" A: w7 T/ [7 R& o, M2 z" C8 E
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 1 P, @3 W9 Q  n. U
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .4 @8 G1 ]6 Z) D2 p' V% q+ P6 o. R0 E
被一种情绪所左右,
" I. W+ n/ }. N  K$ |% j% w总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
1 k8 ?5 R4 w1 e& i4 P/ \# q3 v即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
0 J9 P: Q6 j' u, }1 s+ j1 M也不问我是否喜欢你,4 e0 i! }" ]& K
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing./ g2 S; y4 C7 o& G
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
7 ~1 J' G' C2 z% P$ C- y$ I3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you1 r' f9 r3 Q7 j7 W/ c
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
0 S! F" p3 w! y  X' d+ [# c. M然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
$ f" [, k9 l. k  c* B& M1 i你的身影已化成一种氛围,- j  N0 Z3 c& |3 I# ~3 e: O5 _" K
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
: g5 r$ D$ w- }你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
; A0 P' g6 l( Z* M$ s! E随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
0 B! m6 |7 ^/ x/ p9 e哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
4 c1 D; S6 A/ P) P一种声音,and your voice. s! `& i5 b/ C: w5 X2 ?" b
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.# b! H: i; ]- L2 v6 _3 ~
掺杂著幸福的感觉。3 X& H5 y5 h4 o* f% a$ Q
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
9 i' s4 D. _' u, ?, v+ d1 E" c象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
& a; V/ d; ^  `8 K1 M倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
9 y- m. b' x% H) [# S* N纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
9 d0 u9 m+ i( E9 T  F5 O你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
3 z6 O3 f, o7 x% D9 i有一个能够让思念的人,
' F' _, t8 q* p$ _8 w其实也是一种幸福。% Y2 h: [8 U. _0 ^5 n: D
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
8 U) b( q" Q" p% ~5 g% s柔柔的海风,
' U' ]9 }2 [% L0 ^甜甜的夏天。
: {* I2 T+ y; e/ t0 |( W7 Y3 Z一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 9 V/ M- e2 F' d
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.' F, U" U  ^8 f" X" K, l2 `6 |
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
; a  C8 _" U9 c% u想和你有共同的情结,
/ M& x8 Z5 h" R; [- H4 h; h共同的心愿。- ~6 C$ J( D' E$ M! u- p

( ^% p+ U) Z  a2 r& U+ z6 S  |. u$ _
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you9 I) b! U$ v2 E* I
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together3 Z: b$ Q) s$ \" |* f; r3 ^
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 3 @; Z. G) i; d+ j9 ~
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.! W* i1 H3 p# V$ ^& H+ _8 M0 O
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
  j) y2 c" A1 j' N6 @) I# ^1 }9 q我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, $ }- A+ Y4 Y8 {/ n9 Q9 v
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”: c: D/ ~( }9 H  _" F3 l3 t- {/ _/ ?
或是轻轻的一吻,( H# }8 F! t( D2 G9 u% M8 u
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』* e2 r" ~( j  o# j
就足够了. That is enough.# O1 B6 W) ~+ d2 K) a
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! - ^! Z- b# P) r, A$ p0 x7 B
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
' D9 Z( l) ?( z- C7 m, v萌出了芽,8 U% S- K( n9 k5 Z  }
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing2 W3 _' A8 [2 O6 s# b* P
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
: F- q' \0 F& I! t如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand" [( C) V9 I+ N8 f2 d0 l8 ~; l
能够牵著你的手,# l& P  Q( A$ R8 p! E
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely." K5 N: E, X- Y! r2 V# M
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
" ]( k" j, B2 f# j慢慢地细读,8 ?- A" X9 D2 I( J* ]/ p- @2 P
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
! Y1 E/ _  f, {8 W6 A$ V在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
/ O8 n+ Y5 ]# r! x我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor , Q5 T* z! ^9 a& L
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:! }, N1 G- l+ ?8 {6 Q: k2 T
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
( u4 |9 N1 H, ^% c& z3 x眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
3 w* F5 k% H2 Qchange to:lacked
2 p$ H8 ?! |2 A9 z# F猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
  k# {7 @/ Q9 _$ V# CCats often played at the whole hot night.
* b" n" y0 _/ B/ O6 a 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及& ]2 g8 _1 r! w: P1 O" ~- O" L
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.8 [3 `  v" |- ^8 v
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
- C( w; U! `7 |2 x该为:throughyour hands.0 ~- W# G- o0 n
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
$ m/ K5 z4 |6 g. s/ g不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。$ R5 Y2 _1 ?& A% n% {( n
至少比我强。1 M$ p* Y0 x2 l1 U2 v5 C( j& [8 _# z
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
+ t$ U+ y( n  L0 P5 ^' T: ?2 O" B8 c/ Y% C6 o  c4 P
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。+ A+ ~+ }* G4 V, Z* T8 S+ @/ G
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.- w/ m: A& a; f; O7 c
谢谢三思的鲜花.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
) c7 Z% z8 a8 L: t* ^6 N前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
  M& e3 Y) V( |( ~& jEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry." C" o, w8 R, {' J9 ?7 X6 V
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
* o' x  t: }+ q( \, p: { Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name., j5 V4 T# ]" p# Z, |# W
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.8 A; g7 F: g; o/ D% ?" l% t
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
# b# P/ E  i* K) {Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:7 Q1 T1 |  x7 j% U
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
# J* y6 r0 p9 @7 a/ ~  O6 h" Xlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.2 ^: _$ K4 z6 T/ C" C
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
( s6 f3 z9 E0 ]6 D' C' _# N8 VThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
/ s% n! M( P- ^+ Q) lThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
& J1 n+ M3 Y7 P' a& kI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.! z- e9 _6 d7 U$ a7 ]7 C/ a
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
$ u& Y8 y1 u% V& W# o5 s* m+ tIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?- i! k% I, M4 b6 J' q
Intoxicated then feel cold,
& F5 i; Y- j+ K) [6 ythe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
2 t& x( ]9 f9 H  H" h: c& QI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
5 e' V% X/ ]6 H* oThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
9 Q* q0 ^. G: S6 A! Q& ^) u8 OWhy I am always hoodwinked!
4 I) b' \4 h7 j- `& MI have told myself many times cautiously . c/ {1 F* v2 J3 r0 H7 e
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
4 z" G, q- T% s1 ]' Y5 N8 m) R0 X7 `The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.$ O" B" p( u1 M9 n
Why can`t I take it easy?' G- O. H# D) n4 ~/ S- S: f
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
  `1 N5 _# a# @6 FWhen the quiet night comes
. E2 z/ u5 j8 I# T- Zyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
( y  C" p6 \. f5 ^The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.1 d6 G! R& f: O" d4 D8 ~% Y0 a
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,% {( c% H; ^9 e
light the dark corner in my mind.1 D$ j/ q5 m6 Z3 P
I feel a bit of cozy.
6 p& u+ ~! g  F2 @, E4 LThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
# x4 C$ ~4 o5 h, O; z' {& jmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
, p* h0 J- J7 B! o6 L" O" ^* fI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
$ g, I: G, X  |6 d: ^but accompanying with the time passed
6 e& n& g" T7 T) xI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
1 w! |. v2 i( e" q" Xalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
' {( a/ |' B/ U7 s# lWithout asking if you like me or if I like you! O! J, a8 q& h5 X# Z
only feel gracious for your existing,
, i7 A" B2 `- oonlt want to do something for you.
  V+ Z4 T0 M0 p% M% l# NEvery time when you meet me
8 h1 w. T6 V- f0 b; \the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
: E# |8 |5 f, v  g# ^& i7 k$ h0 pbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere* e! E9 p0 j" }+ ]
That live in my heart.
& f! S9 a* G7 F! ZDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
" G/ q& u! r, @6 @8 s! _Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
& \. K% \3 d+ L, ^/ L* O& I7 _make me gently distraught with happy feeling.. D4 v( c+ e4 q9 C  x! H2 b
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
& l' o, ~, D" zsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
2 Y) I, J" z* V& V% Y4 V0 W- uDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
0 I/ y( V& q; {/ h: s& }) F1 P) lespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.% t* q3 Y3 x% H" R- l3 R
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
7 k/ ~+ `  B& I. X' {* r3 Eonly waiting for you quietly  Z+ W6 W, `) p0 s7 ?. @& ~
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
$ n- M- Q" e$ x0 a; w0 q/ FI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
5 ~7 m" L( P% Dand enjoy the rain washing together
; E" X. _5 t+ m( s) M2 T: ]or rush to a film
# R9 U( t3 v( f6 D" aor listen to a music quietly.
) s5 Q# Q3 h; `& A/ GWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
" ^" \% [: Z& p% e: [  T5 `If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,) v, e% b! O& H. x7 M1 {/ F1 B! ?
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
3 r7 v+ Q7 k! b4 h+ N& ~6 B1 xThat is enough.
& _& g: V1 Y1 |9 w0 ?  _0 [Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,( b- z5 h% s" {6 J5 Y, ]
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,/ i* C1 \8 K9 h+ e
the same as my missing.
! `3 o) S6 P, v' S6 FIt comes a little bit of verdure.9 w- G: _9 `6 H" z; s
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
9 R1 ~8 J, c5 e6 q! |# h2 U, wthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.% x1 |: d( l  G6 m
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
9 h+ A7 E3 D: l, L9 {" W) JI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul." l- I' d- Q5 l3 z/ E$ `
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,) K7 V+ d$ q& g( k0 b3 y# X
then I will have all care and ardor.
5 t, y3 |* U' V$ ?) dShall we walk arm in arm?/ ]; |* Z* |( k) l. c
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
0 Q! v; b1 h% O' oLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 {2 v' P  V! W7 `# F9 a
I am still the same person of yesterday." T. I# `, T% K" u0 J! U, S
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
  F$ u6 c0 _! N# q4 M. P  ISame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
. J# o% Z4 s: f5 ?* ?& ^+ YLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.- q9 n" [+ R; c% z8 j; S
More or less,$ d& Z$ U/ A) Z2 ?2 W
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.3 ~' x  f' l+ z- E% N+ h( u2 l
# i! c# X. G' U5 k! f
Summer easily slips away
# V/ e8 g& ]# m3 b7 a. r" Z8 CThose long lost hot nights
5 L0 W; d! D( m" r1 T5 o5 ] can only be found in the old days.
- Z0 t/ n; r- h  c" a' o8 r+ d/ E* w' A
Cats jumping over the window sills,
& q/ T, `+ M: H) k  |, x3 Ychasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
& I1 ~6 K# v/ EGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.- g$ Q# V' k4 H
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
2 s- E1 G) s  N- l& }* gI am still the same person of yesterday.
# D8 v! ?) p9 r& m+ \, g1 kUnchanged name, unchange ...
1 |) o8 }3 Z! s) D* u6 _
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
, l% L/ M; d) k/ c7 D$ O3 j/ lGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
+ }6 D) t2 m, u8 V5 ELeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' ^+ o& z  ?1 o3 h
I am still the same person of yesterday.0 _3 ?0 S5 [; ^% ]" W
Unchanged name, unchange ...

; P: E% R( k4 ^4 N3 E' yi like it.
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