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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
! Z, p6 z. l" [,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  $ b( v, \+ u( M9 u3 x  \& `
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
1 r/ U% @6 ^" Y3 M现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
7 i6 m- D: X7 Z5 ~8 P+ Y! ~梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
- J% O2 g7 h' z9 W+ ?眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.- K4 i) z3 {6 y! K
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.% D" m! A7 X  C" h+ \
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.5 M( r8 [& K, r
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
& N- t1 @: T- H/ p+ V7 m( ^我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及* K3 B- `4 @8 ^6 R6 Q
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
" H- W+ Y6 v. d- w0 [. q! W5 v世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.* v8 f/ A) {; M: u
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
' h! I6 M' C9 `- ?) P/ w) i& A想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.. |; x. e  `& Z& S; ?3 I# \/ Z! \
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.   \% A0 O3 \. @, t9 X
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
, p6 J# ^: l6 l- A( M4 y; A醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.) |, d6 B6 x9 ]. |9 D2 ~
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
+ D* R. ?( E. Q) g9 r# C最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
8 F# M7 v7 s8 S, j- r/ k) ]多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?7 y0 I0 A. d3 Z+ I. b: M
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….$ D* ~. h# U0 g2 @' D3 {% v
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously' h5 D% |# B' r1 Y
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.9 c1 Y' ?1 ?: P; l; ^& \
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 0 J# ~0 U3 l7 v+ i, a) D: W* g
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?4 D1 n+ L2 _' ^2 \# l5 x
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
: d; f  H( k, Y& Q& r永难平息的泪5 @/ \- t. o3 N, S6 d) b% D" i
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
, S* ]7 y7 Y5 r: a- D0 V8 Y~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
) Z2 Y3 ]3 F7 d0 ^0 F3 A当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.4 M" W! G. s- T# X3 k
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
9 K8 F1 b  ~8 y; c3 ?  w9 e你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
* e0 a& \2 f% J) z一抹微笑;' A' q) ~  p" `/ H0 H/ c0 v6 ~
一个手势;
2 @9 h$ ~+ v9 p, h" O一片话语,
1 L" q0 {% G- I! S' J5 z5 B7 b* W; s愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、1 G% M; A$ M# Z" G9 m0 d* }0 \
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
0 e* ?3 P& u7 A& J1 }2 Y心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.7 M3 S2 k# f9 V3 ]- l& c9 H( B: L
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling% f  ^0 H5 Q% G
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
1 g  Z5 I9 E0 X& N3 S8 M起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,; o* [7 F# _. d4 N+ C
我并不以为然。
! l! P8 W: o) Y* {: y  X可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
: U7 m/ {+ Q+ W1 f慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
- w. G2 o2 b" L9 D6 h; N0 _被一种情绪所左右,: M, x9 e5 X% Y
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .9 v) ^8 [! K0 P5 @
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
6 j$ w- V; ?* m. P* v3 x也不问我是否喜欢你,0 H3 Y, j0 A" L  B! j! v. O
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing." a; \! O* U+ k9 `' ^- J* s5 q/ v( `
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you( s8 P9 S0 h. K0 z; Z/ C# F
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
1 Z% J  T1 @3 |心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil# ^! {& M/ J! r
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
. \) i8 t" |4 ], l你的身影已化成一种氛围,
" p- P1 D2 r5 G0 ]1 l, Z( N记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
- J: a, v3 C: u; m你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
" e9 p; B# _' A. c4 Y% {随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字  L- ^: m& u/ K6 |8 Z# A
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,7 _) _$ q" b4 I8 T9 z/ g
一种声音,and your voice2 F4 G$ |9 ]: v
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
# C1 z$ O+ N. X- r% ^掺杂著幸福的感觉。
: ?. E0 z6 D) d. [与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
" b) ~4 c- D+ @2 M* _" y象雪花般撒落在我的心田,. _) f" i1 L3 O! p$ {$ j' F" k
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
, z* R: E, p: r. k纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
% w8 I  }1 x) m你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss7 ^4 @5 j  w: J( I5 m* D
有一个能够让思念的人,
6 k5 s' B. n$ C' \其实也是一种幸福。2 x; R0 V3 s6 w; q& w
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ! x; f4 a6 H$ g- b7 S% F. n
柔柔的海风,
& f4 K# Y8 r# b  B" c甜甜的夏天。
. V6 T4 {; K, ]' w  e一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
6 k; a% {8 s, I* B8 H: }# _只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.! Y) G- m4 M, J9 @8 ]
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.# L! q" a. [* o: d) m/ O
想和你有共同的情结,1 ~3 S% [3 o8 K, q
共同的心愿。- [3 i( ^1 U4 L, [$ \% W/ F1 e

, K  N8 e% z" q# i6 U: ?* W3 D3 T3 I
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you4 J8 @( H( W( q: s$ [
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together  I  t/ H8 ]1 y9 u
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film . x' z3 ]1 k3 P) n. ^7 y
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
' v& ^4 Y1 ^+ L8 _『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
- y! Y6 l$ V/ H9 c% j! \) S0 e我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, , D" m. V0 o. B- x2 K! e
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”" X1 m2 h8 B' s& E4 l; c
或是轻轻的一吻,
* g3 v, {, d' X再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
) H( {; R7 x9 U4 Y+ A就足够了. That is enough.( v# _5 X7 w% T8 }) Y  l
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! + q: C; \9 a: H
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.4 R& l) V% A+ }+ G, Z
萌出了芽,
7 g) e+ D- e* F- T  o# J- n& L一如对你的思念,the same as my missing  t, m( x* c- i2 ]5 k; {' y
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
& k& Z: t2 W' }如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
9 L" _# V6 I% E0 z% Y. V# ^; c能够牵著你的手,: E! O  B5 p, ~8 Y1 V
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely./ ~' J! J! o  o* e; t" d6 G1 v
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. " A$ T  G/ d0 `8 O* h4 ]' T4 R
慢慢地细读,
6 p, I0 ~3 F, X3 ?我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
; ^. \+ G; I  v$ _; E) y在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ) X  @/ m3 W/ P+ M5 a
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 6 F' t* ?/ {4 T# J# P
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
5 [5 h- N( j0 b% t9 z现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago. ^/ B8 @! I; D, H; e, d# }. P
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
6 r3 n; H4 E; [( A  I& `) Schange to:lacked. J1 ^" Z3 y) K
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
" v9 A( R5 Q9 Z6 hCats often played at the whole hot night.
8 i1 v' J* I5 c( v 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
* v/ c8 d: }4 }) U' q改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
$ n# A, c+ k4 n3 R8 k0 K7 M, GI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ! K- I4 H; T: i, W: l0 ]
该为:throughyour hands.
- v, U! h$ K) _: F/ q+ C还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。/ p  z; \- e# W; W) R) H) l
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。& Y: \( c+ L  b. i  c
至少比我强。
1 `8 E/ }- n& i/ M; a. a偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
& T4 ^! Q) Y& W
, A. ~" [9 @4 |% x% p这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
! u* U2 D* |. t7 D9 d0 L# C0 h后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
6 r4 C/ ]* M# i谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.% U& j! B2 X9 Z( f$ v
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:* D# w5 d& \$ e' q9 l2 ?2 X. M
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
: G% G* R& T% B" U' n( o; hPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.5 B% G' }1 L% {% g
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
0 h- J6 @7 l& ~7 HThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
' x2 q3 h1 n0 O/ gSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
0 q' D. b* ?' K! O6 |, b! ESummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
: c5 [  I- b! y% s7 N' \Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
8 f* \, c" u9 G- j. m9 r$ olike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.( L: L7 m( p2 P2 i% y: s" U( k
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
' J$ b! b3 w( t6 YThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.# o! d0 G1 ?8 h" d5 x- i- H* v1 c$ r
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.3 z, d5 E+ q9 M
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
: M$ f' H3 b( p$ t- K, yI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild./ [: ?' A, N0 q" B
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?1 k/ f6 c' l1 o* `9 Q- {4 d
Intoxicated then feel cold,
8 Z5 |2 d( J/ Q) ^1 [, Ethe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
3 [2 S/ D  t$ X5 }0 c: t4 YI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, C4 a, u# f0 O: D7 dThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?0 }, j5 j& o. \, r0 P
Why I am always hoodwinked!+ {( ^) q3 D$ {5 Z% b! _4 F% G
I have told myself many times cautiously
$ ?% X3 [4 h5 Z. k4 b% cdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.+ g3 [* g6 n& r+ f4 g4 M
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.) I+ Y! u& s, p4 w- j' l
Why can`t I take it easy?, }6 N/ ?- B* v
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!* S+ m; h4 A$ @% C% K1 r
When the quiet night comes: k. v2 Y( y; h! o& V9 s" k) a* }
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.( T, r8 K" V( s: h
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
/ O1 L; u0 c. C; gYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul," ~, v+ x& i! C3 k- F+ i3 K
light the dark corner in my mind.8 S4 W1 M) a8 c4 |, D
I feel a bit of cozy.1 Y: j/ J  M' g( h: R& U6 f
The deep attached to you in a twinkling2 p9 p1 s& s" ~
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.4 |0 s! h/ V7 Q/ B0 F4 F
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,' h- d* p, Y, E
but accompanying with the time passed
. J+ i. ?3 |6 W0 O9 B9 f5 l2 JI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
; v+ L1 v6 z2 f- ?1 ^- dalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
4 x% w7 ]3 s$ Y7 w, h  s" CWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
% L9 {: X- u7 d3 {: [1 L# F) z7 j& Vonly feel gracious for your existing,/ L: C9 }/ z  \) L. P  I. A) E( r
onlt want to do something for you.. V: r3 l8 T3 o, c* z3 P: |
Every time when you meet me) h" x" i" W. @- m
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,( I$ z9 G* }( ]" l+ \0 e
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere- T* d; O8 z/ g) F0 z
That live in my heart.
' D: _) s5 f5 E, }+ F# [  e, aDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
4 ~# `2 f) g( U; U$ gEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
' j8 u9 N: ^4 z( @! c' p( ]4 v/ kmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.8 t$ }, A9 i# K+ f* H  X
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land8 @% U( K; `1 h- n% E
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.4 `0 c* q0 A# g/ i* F1 }
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,2 p3 q1 C1 c! H/ y- i) S
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
; |- V2 s' w" i* q% WSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy . q8 m4 Z" q; e( C4 g
only waiting for you quietly7 V  V4 j- |* H9 [
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.  Q8 ]  }5 Y, w/ I6 `5 Y+ b
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
" f/ D  Y, K0 T# q6 B! C* f+ band enjoy the rain washing together
+ O2 ?9 m" I* i3 k4 N' bor rush to a film
: w2 K  Y" b7 zor listen to a music quietly.
/ X+ h" ~  z# \Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
/ W# ?# B1 l" u+ f+ DIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
5 M$ V6 v' H8 {, W1 y8 msmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
6 j4 |# u. s2 k3 Z6 S  O/ L# FThat is enough.1 W1 e; s2 a9 A8 |1 g
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,; E; Y& n# `9 ~4 J. z
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,8 `) l; b. E4 O! _' J
the same as my missing.' O2 C% E! a! o+ q
It comes a little bit of verdure.
, e! b: p3 _- C+ q5 vIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
1 k1 G' U7 _! A8 ?. p' Uthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
0 _; N5 s5 S* i& gLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
, F! D" R2 i. D& q/ M2 P7 }I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.* {7 J7 `* m, l( v+ V
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
2 }; l) t) l  ^5 w- z8 @- o  }+ dthen I will have all care and ardor.
4 {  p2 [  ]8 q# m. NShall we walk arm in arm?; b1 U$ Q2 S; |
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
! D6 q7 C& d" R" \  X+ I. t6 JLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
3 s8 R6 p  \6 I6 [4 y1 II am still the same person of yesterday.! v+ \) V8 w. Z# C, {$ d! L7 H
Unchanged name, unchanged I./ K) m2 t# H6 T# i$ I/ D+ x, @- x% i
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 3 ]8 J( [! W$ P* @1 }- g
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.8 I% X* ?* d, ?. P* R/ `' W+ G# ?
More or less,
( L8 b; E5 }* }- I" D# y a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
3 F$ x7 T" e7 ~# V9 O, M1 q8 P+ Y0 D$ [. G
Summer easily slips away! t7 H% l' m7 @7 r$ Z5 ^9 G+ C6 M
Those long lost hot nights% B. y# A5 h9 q: b, H( d
can only be found in the old days. 9 m3 p/ d' Y7 u6 d/ ?* {2 T1 S( h
" @& H- ?* H/ {: [$ }6 ~" {* a
Cats jumping over the window sills,
* V+ e) l! s1 [8 O* Q% J2 C  schasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 7 y- f/ p5 W+ s' X- U5 {6 b
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.( ]3 r; Z4 _1 [
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.1 n$ h+ Y6 C5 G$ M: T& x* v
I am still the same person of yesterday.+ K  n2 M2 H. u$ _
Unchanged name, unchange ...
; e. B6 }7 S; {! L; V/ A0 I
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 , ~7 u* _- |$ ]
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.  a* P8 `4 {4 K; @, t: g
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.( o$ m7 v" f, z$ }$ B4 e/ Z8 s
I am still the same person of yesterday.4 P0 {( i- A' P* c7 H* ]. u! }# x. ^
Unchanged name, unchange ...
5 L9 E8 _. a% Q& Q$ f" X
i like it.
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