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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
1 b8 g  b# R2 a. },.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
5 r6 @% `8 }: b) h7 y6 v零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . ( e& l5 v) X! Z% w# [3 Z
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
3 @2 T" V  Q* l梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
: |1 H6 B& E/ W眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.9 _! _+ K( v  Y5 w
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.; w$ |  ^9 S$ R. N- d
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.  G  ]8 P) |4 I1 ?
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.% h+ e+ v1 f5 L" U* z
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及; f2 t$ j5 A% _: }, Z5 J
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。& t. o6 Z. B6 q! A( \
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.7 [3 i; S: O8 G! }; x! Z
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
; Y! V, I& _! r% d2 W' s0 j* o* Y想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
9 N& I% X1 l7 U4 j2 h8 K最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 2 n, T0 T, V, |. ~2 E; ~
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?" m/ r& N7 y2 g! H8 \  ?
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
& q- T2 f1 r' z6 M* [迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.9 j) [3 A' j5 _7 v' s5 ?1 |# E2 N
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.: S( V2 X5 e  r( _1 u
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?1 N, i: O1 |4 D+ h: X- a& }+ W
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
' M  K! L0 D, J多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
; n0 t, X8 U& c5 G' x3 o不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
1 T2 z7 R) {* t1 p; F7 p多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
1 x, {$ j3 _) {为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
$ T1 i. k$ H3 g* C多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
, r' M. A/ ~8 I& t永难平息的泪1 A* W- k0 R1 h+ z
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
+ x) U) z* s( F1 ^) ?+ ~4 |9 y0 e~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.4 H# V' h& M0 R  i+ M7 B) S; F
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
, s' v# N5 d) }8 s9 I2 @1 D$ g让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
7 D( G3 P, [( H. p. n: ~% H你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul + q+ M( j( S# J# Q* C
一抹微笑;& l' }3 ?" C6 L4 Z
一个手势;9 r- m) M6 ?7 g3 C; N, ?/ C+ u0 S
一片话语,
- p2 X( z3 n+ \% @- q: Z7 f1 t( f愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
- m: @" @9 X! d" _明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner- l( b/ r/ T, u% C" t
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.& O& A+ x* x2 k
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
: k! c9 `- Y+ o1 }; ^& M也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..$ e2 k- n2 C3 m5 d$ O9 ?
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,6 M+ k! O: N) f4 T! L. ]8 ^
我并不以为然。
7 z' v* z& h6 r) x" M. d可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
  g" k4 R3 n0 e; f  c$ R, E8 T" C+ w( T慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion ." o. M9 d- d) h2 A
被一种情绪所左右,
& g3 l% s9 b0 z# G8 l- L6 `5 |% W总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .3 f% f9 t& ^) U" t
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
- M" i1 k" ^* _+ E( r也不问我是否喜欢你,& {/ t, ]. y3 [: i+ Q0 `% Y
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
# L& s1 n' R+ c$ u# c4 i/ m7 r只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you0 F/ i- U4 m) b7 @- l. {
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
% q4 L! q/ o+ W; A心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil6 }; G6 \* W/ D4 o" y! w
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% a8 z2 U  v1 w2 D4 v8 o你的身影已化成一种氛围,
0 S; @8 j% ^/ G- U3 x记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.$ @# I' F- K" V* I' v
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 2 G- T0 g  V3 K% }6 N
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
' Y2 q  L$ ]1 y) K8 i哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
$ h" S" l7 [) S; V! Y8 x/ G7 N一种声音,and your voice
/ c; j; E2 a% T也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.$ m0 z5 Q7 e$ {- Z5 |
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
% G6 ~& h  j( G6 g& C; y与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land" C9 N9 n+ y0 K; O1 O1 M# @6 d
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,' b8 C) c# F/ E+ j1 s" K
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
7 ?" x; K; w( m, A; O! U) w纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。( M/ c: v8 b; e+ g8 N* v5 l' x& N
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss  Y4 R( G5 Q+ ~$ W# S6 s$ R# D: A, g$ F) _
有一个能够让思念的人,2 D- T/ Y- {7 w
其实也是一种幸福。- I5 _+ A7 H! O5 s! {, P
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 3 Q8 J9 e  ^) I5 g) {/ O& L" _$ R' K% [
柔柔的海风,
* K$ b' a: b+ t  w/ V! @" e7 |甜甜的夏天。1 k0 C4 c' [4 ]* J
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 5 |; [, K& [$ ^$ i1 @
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.0 @! @" @# a+ }" E& F2 M
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do./ n0 `% X4 l$ X4 x" W5 G
想和你有共同的情结,8 i$ Q2 j; {8 v0 J1 _
共同的心愿。
! U0 W5 U5 w; l' A0 t- Z0 Y. F' I/ f
/ x! \* f% a" u, L9 r& N& H
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you/ c7 I7 X. z% G/ ~
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
6 q) K$ `" s! y# ?' _4 U或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
2 }/ Y% z% D- M. `; U或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
0 z+ L  h7 L: y# c$ {$ V# P' v『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
/ Y  G/ ]: @5 Z  M% Z我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
% H4 U. l# q' O3 j& c浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
2 T& O* o1 e2 l3 _5 e( C或是轻轻的一吻,
  Y, O" l: M/ Y  U- j1 U4 I再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
4 S" v8 O8 s" \6 Y& p就足够了. That is enough.) H9 `, Z" _" i# Y- S; U0 e! `5 o6 e3 s
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! . h( x' |' Z! t; m; S% Y7 x: Z* Y/ B
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout." k: o, C+ v& I% w& K9 ~7 m. j, c
萌出了芽," I/ O. C5 j! k* K) s8 \1 M
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing' h( k$ |! V% n2 P# h
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
/ Z0 T5 g9 \: i$ b如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
3 F: B$ W! t# k% K& s能够牵著你的手,4 q- L' S1 `6 i- \+ d* ?: o
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
0 {0 u- d3 j9 L( c  a7 [让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
8 c+ m4 h7 @  ?7 n慢慢地细读,5 W# ~; N' S" l. ]6 x
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 7 B$ X' F' s! `3 w
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
' a( M8 I9 w# ~7 X2 E我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor % R0 }: _, c  E7 g0 c
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
9 ]5 }6 R* a* t现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago1 D* ]" v( D# s( w& \% H, @7 ?' l' e
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.5 \& C2 h5 T3 `) J! K% Q
change to:lacked4 f( E4 w% I5 }$ W9 X
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
; @8 G& b& J( y" mCats often played at the whole hot night.
/ t( Q# X* U/ B# p6 a& r 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
6 ^4 \9 g8 v& h8 B8 V* r2 o9 H改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.# B. v+ e& i4 d+ X" v7 S
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
! `4 T0 Q5 y1 j6 d该为:throughyour hands.+ I' s$ e. O9 I8 P- j$ T
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
0 o2 z( I& P+ {+ h, X不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
' T- B2 u! r, F" o至少比我强。* K2 S1 ]+ |' d8 b* c6 Z7 g
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
4 Y: l: M* D6 f1 H: s( b4 Q' W
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。; f) l3 C7 Q9 p
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
0 }; Y+ z# W. Q谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
6 C3 u' N) u/ o3 h$ d' c前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
9 k2 P9 H) b5 \" v: bEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
+ N5 e, w8 F3 f4 X, ~Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
, N/ U+ R7 u- e, g  L Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.6 y$ i$ I3 o; Q2 c
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.8 p. z6 q0 o; K& ?7 {" k
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.% g1 O, j& F! y
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:5 `9 }; Z1 \- W
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 7 N3 c" U  g3 d& |- |3 V
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
% l7 d) W7 G& ^I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.8 T: m. J+ Q' K: d
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.: g9 n6 O5 t5 n( L( k
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.( X8 p; G5 s- P# A6 r
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.8 c& Q% y' t/ h) L/ r
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
/ A+ x/ T. m' G$ o, [% r$ ?7 zIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
, }- A( `3 h0 D  CIntoxicated then feel cold,1 N) r& [1 y9 u& h) d6 q1 M7 ?
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.& @8 s1 [0 Z+ I9 m  V7 b6 D
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.5 n; t9 s6 F% {# |
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?5 ?* h1 x1 P4 E6 ^6 C3 f- b
Why I am always hoodwinked!
. B9 }$ _! j' l( oI have told myself many times cautiously + `: J5 F+ \% R& h; ?% S
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
9 V  g9 U6 `  ?1 H3 g9 DThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.) F6 q2 [4 E- u% L- Y
Why can`t I take it easy?; X1 x1 n7 e7 w  {
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
) D# _& `5 c: r7 R1 o' o8 mWhen the quiet night comes
# z8 ~9 T' b  x* l, a6 Z- p! eyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
2 y9 }, L5 S1 d+ o& a% x7 e4 pThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably./ ]+ Q( j# t9 j! r
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
6 a6 g; d& R5 m+ hlight the dark corner in my mind.
+ D: B9 B% C! c3 N3 mI feel a bit of cozy.% R  X8 N/ `! v( A( e5 t$ N
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
( @& B& K2 X( E% z" }maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
' z6 a6 R3 T0 t. J) RI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
5 E  v0 a; o$ U- abut accompanying with the time passed- {* k6 R  x& P: S" W/ p6 r
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
3 ^! H( N+ `  Ealways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.) H* `5 Z) g" J0 K6 x5 u- w1 C
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
9 n6 M6 a; T( g3 ]" bonly feel gracious for your existing,* x1 }( H. b1 w: g! g, B7 j- g
onlt want to do something for you.4 {& A1 `3 ]# ^6 R- u
Every time when you meet me
6 m; W$ g0 W8 R1 F1 i5 \- cthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
% e1 b" z9 @* k0 S/ E; v8 n- kbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere# ~8 L& u! }' W; T: q4 d9 u
That live in my heart.3 `7 s' ~) {5 e/ ^8 b: f
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?/ j( G; w7 L: V1 u
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
' b' _, \" L+ e3 k+ Qmake me gently distraught with happy feeling., ~9 m) @; c5 ]9 J- s
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
" p! A* |; Z9 Z/ F$ t+ Zsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
5 X8 C, A/ }- {% c7 bDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
) S+ C2 v) i8 D/ Zespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
- M& J+ Q% I# {1 w* Q$ z3 ]Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
6 n- u+ s+ c9 }) e) I# w7 Lonly waiting for you quietly% p- X3 n0 i& w8 p) r0 w
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.* D0 f0 @+ `- |0 }& i- E+ s; J
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
* J# I- a8 }7 u( @/ i3 g3 o$ |: {4 |and enjoy the rain washing together
7 X) F, M9 t- P$ _; i# wor rush to a film
; J3 T& z4 Z2 E% i; n0 lor listen to a music quietly.2 t; ^- W6 k( ~; d/ V# R# @
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?# @" M% T+ S* K! j1 \
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
+ f& {) ^4 i/ v: d2 Usmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".) r* F3 W; [. P3 O) a1 y/ x
That is enough.1 |  Q" z! K: p" H
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,# h5 i: P& c9 l8 F  H
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,3 Y" S6 e  E% w, {7 S% T
the same as my missing.
7 Q6 H% s  K7 L, z: AIt comes a little bit of verdure.
' _) o3 b9 C, a. j$ C; S/ m5 uIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
/ T9 D0 X) [! f8 T/ C+ bthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.- p% i6 b; G& ~7 B
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully./ P) ~# @5 t6 P+ E! V- {8 u
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
. a% h  P. m; g3 E% Y4 O4 \; S1 SAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,/ ^; }) ?' B* k7 }/ g0 D# f3 m
then I will have all care and ardor.
1 }4 U, w% O- ]- ~8 s- J0 N. kShall we walk arm in arm?3 [. n, q5 B* M" @' l
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
. h9 O' |+ e, ]/ gLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.& I8 d9 n7 J$ h; @
I am still the same person of yesterday.
+ J2 \) e1 J2 `Unchanged name, unchanged I.
. C. C$ i, L& ISame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
+ N3 T( h- \! g; x! aLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
+ w9 E  i& p( B8 }More or less,
6 p: o& m% n2 u* E5 a a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
, V2 i9 T9 R0 H$ N2 J
5 |. e8 Z1 O) j2 W* N' c; G& C; iSummer easily slips away
8 R2 n* {: Q4 F% W4 i9 wThose long lost hot nights
& x5 m& w( e. F# n can only be found in the old days.
  I1 o, e/ F; r- e
2 Y$ D% Y% G/ b9 b# x6 `* Q0 _Cats jumping over the window sills, 1 f. Z. c0 F* M, U
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
; i8 u* h. o/ K7 g7 G& ]' c; RGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.; y# _6 p* Q" C2 X+ q" R
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
  V& Y& X8 e, |* n) i3 y- C& L% X9 YI am still the same person of yesterday.
, v0 j& n: m! M; B* M5 SUnchanged name, unchange ...
+ L) x. A* g3 D0 z3 t/ @, w% b
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
( N+ H, U; s# K6 y9 {6 {- DGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
9 q8 r' ?8 m. U2 o4 m( SLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around., z. Q* O2 K9 p' ^2 z8 l0 N/ X" I+ z
I am still the same person of yesterday.
1 H# b/ B; M2 U; _. BUnchanged name, unchange ...
( r, R1 S& ^/ N6 l
i like it.
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