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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,0 E& q1 K  A2 w9 i6 k6 R
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ; R% a: ~( O0 ^7 v
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . , Q# B/ ^/ _8 c. I1 v1 [5 C( E
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
/ P: b6 i; z) x% \梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.% ?) I: t  A% E8 K
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
+ u5 n% o5 m! B  D0 ]: i' G+ h: Y夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.1 Y) N) k( I5 J
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
  \  G1 g7 ]' f+ ]1 j1 G4 R: J就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.3 Y: k$ @0 W) @" g) g
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" E, i  ?) {$ q! O- R/ \1 d那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
/ B) b; i  o+ p- a+ b9 j% p( @" w世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
+ }! E' X1 T: q' T昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
: U: F5 f6 S' \想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up." U" o6 s* N6 K$ _/ J
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
! J3 E( A) Q8 e) Y- v: U# b: T寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
1 g. f" y6 |4 s% [& @# [醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
; R7 U0 K9 v) z* [迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.% j; i  B5 ^3 V$ o8 G2 n) h. E
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
# G, W4 {+ N' C  d4 E( g3 c多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?3 s# J5 f9 W6 k
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
# g# p& i, Q+ a4 q. G$ \/ n多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
! U& j- u" n% s4 `  P. a6 K不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
8 S5 r/ ^9 |" \* R2 u& H: z多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 0 O2 t+ a" @% d
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
- \, B* v3 ~9 Q6 F多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!6 d) }( Q" c4 `+ R- W2 {$ b  @/ p# `
永难平息的泪
% w8 }2 }& P5 w3 N7 E* }. P5 [4 y8 N每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
9 G) k# E0 \. S2 Q% O! F~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
) J; G% a( k6 p! O2 U! G& B当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
: l2 T$ g! ]& o! @让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,) o7 K6 L9 s+ I  s) m& b5 b
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
5 `, W, _( [: J5 R7 C一抹微笑;0 N' ~; V$ J  P2 H1 X. [0 \
一个手势;
* l0 ]! y+ w" Q, D  t' w  S# F! Q一片话语,
  H1 K4 a8 J$ x, m; c愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
& E9 V1 J! k) L- o明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner% L* w. x# V* k% [
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.7 G) a0 M* X( b0 f2 [" Q& ^0 m% c/ D
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling( X5 ]4 u, W4 |6 T8 s& m0 s
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
) Y6 T2 l" s3 Z5 _0 f0 |起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
" u) @- D2 u  a5 H8 [我并不以为然。; Q" M! ]" I8 F2 e2 [6 b! m; c
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
) n2 y+ D+ N3 T# l慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .( Q' a9 B4 V9 l# D
被一种情绪所左右,
, @/ b, t7 s0 D$ W总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
" o% N3 O% _% ?. h9 w8 h. Y即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you/ P* N6 V" C  Y
也不问我是否喜欢你,
: B9 H; w- B/ n9 Y对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.  Y/ c) d! M8 d- `
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you/ G- n! G% M3 V
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
) z2 p  ~, T  \6 u# ~$ |心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil# V1 \2 g2 Z; n- B$ T: c5 z6 ^
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
, C7 r9 a/ n# X% [% |, @* s你的身影已化成一种氛围,5 I) \8 d' A& S  ?
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
5 ]7 C4 T) K+ ]: ~" Z你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
8 a0 D8 d- s( J$ r8 r$ a0 a$ C) b随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
+ g% r5 n5 a8 b6 R0 y, }! t2 A! S哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,2 ^) b. e' k: n; I* J
一种声音,and your voice
/ {( }  s& g( b7 S也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
  d" y7 d2 z  F+ Q0 s! @5 v掺杂著幸福的感觉。# a  }3 ]& h' x
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land; X* S5 u9 I1 K4 O5 R' {- X
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,  f2 d/ x% d/ |0 [/ N/ b, D
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
1 {1 _) g5 w6 k  i纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
! M5 G+ s; D( ^' e你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
) i4 C7 W3 K0 U  `% m有一个能够让思念的人,
  X* N! E0 x( x. D* I0 g( V其实也是一种幸福。
* s# X. K: n2 S, i. d  o( l尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 0 o4 Q9 b2 P$ B* y) z2 P
柔柔的海风,
5 N. B/ h$ Q! e, I甜甜的夏天。
& z. {6 ?0 O5 t( A/ y一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
0 V/ i. Q) i7 k5 j( F只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.; ?$ Z, a6 F/ o6 \9 l  x
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 j- g9 y% i+ D7 p% s( z想和你有共同的情结,
+ ^: U; d0 j% c共同的心愿。
) x# |9 E- n: V4 b& s( ^! \* h
5 E) g% W6 j" y9 p- Q. q4 c3 o2 ^4 T
- g8 O2 ^1 x7 j8 ~好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you/ B( d  I  ?- g0 a% M0 c8 v" z
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together! C8 q' C0 n, D" {; O
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
' m' J6 ~' ^6 n% u- p: Z或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.& i9 v6 d; M& s8 B. V( j1 N5 `6 l
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?0 L/ r/ {5 c2 S% H1 X: k
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 2 m! ?- M! {- d+ t, u7 ?  F, H, c
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
& Q: A' u  w0 J, f$ N7 K& g或是轻轻的一吻,
$ b) F. y# E; o8 G" d再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』7 _% ~- E0 X! G# u, s6 ]
就足够了. That is enough.
5 [1 }/ i+ L' s4 N, o+ |这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ! d+ g/ ~4 b9 T! ?1 m
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.& Y) q8 A8 k; w
萌出了芽,1 N% s0 Y1 H, |' a+ V: \% M3 m
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing, L1 i) B  q  z1 L9 L
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
' n) N7 e2 C: t& w如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand3 }5 x7 T6 c* H! T
能够牵著你的手,0 B- ^  P' h& p, \# s1 E
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.- T9 b" X- W1 b7 D' O4 {6 Y6 d
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. % T. `9 B) ^6 O
慢慢地细读,8 `1 V# r+ g" a8 K' _
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.   q6 C& I% M' w. q
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
6 }" n. j' _- p4 s3 y1 t: J我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor ' p$ G; ]1 y1 M) J! e& r- a$ Y
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:2 J4 l1 K0 |* m# c' _0 [
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago& d+ w4 J0 J6 q; p6 b
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.) j8 H6 U7 D  Q" _8 g
change to:lacked
; v7 D, Q" h) l8 P/ Y2 c猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.$ i0 v/ X5 ~) i! u
Cats often played at the whole hot night./ C9 j' V; W5 F+ s9 P1 N
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" w' y! Q. x, l* ~2 ^改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
2 l* Y( G: H9 |% j% _1 K# g# pI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 2 u: a0 s. c: D% @1 g7 t
该为:throughyour hands.
( U! Y& t( x4 ^0 D4 q! T( R还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。5 i" |" b  F6 ]  H
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。$ D- S+ D) U! I4 P( ]
至少比我强。
4 r% A0 ?% K6 L偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
& J/ _7 j& Q1 \) M! s8 k" O2 ^8 H  a! |/ d/ c; h; q' y& D# f0 b
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。! [1 V/ w% O0 x+ \
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.& P" H1 b, O$ Q+ h5 I
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
6 Q; t" ^  @' ^$ y前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
9 T1 f& N& d0 b" sEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.: D  Z% ~5 d) F0 E/ q2 c# g0 P
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
8 h- H5 L* K; n7 E1 h6 y0 W Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.- m" \  c) X2 {: A
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
( \1 d9 e8 d% u  S  s% y* Z! ?. k- sSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
' f) m8 Y- l' j& l; i- p! ISummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
8 c% v+ F- Q( ^) a2 j* K' [; O" QCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
' P7 V! c: Z6 D" D4 Z- `  q) u9 alike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
! D6 [2 ]6 Z$ t+ v6 oI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
  o; ?) C9 \' J6 sThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.* I3 W3 l: R+ _" _4 B% I
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.. [" D- G7 q1 p& q
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.- j$ h) v) p1 A1 R! {$ O$ d/ E
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
6 a, R9 W( t/ _In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
1 K6 \) o  j) _2 SIntoxicated then feel cold,
: J! r7 k+ E/ a9 qthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
; m1 G6 A  L1 aI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
8 A" v# v+ ~7 f3 u" v5 xThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
  [/ Q$ q. Z/ x6 C+ h6 YWhy I am always hoodwinked!
7 ]' P5 M: Y- R) {8 [# ^' ]7 s8 ?I have told myself many times cautiously . T3 T; _/ d, N: r  W
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
) d% _- l. [/ dThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.8 t3 z0 K4 p9 N: ]9 {4 L# v
Why can`t I take it easy?
9 M8 [  t. Y. |( S( y) I( N) mHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!5 F  I+ q9 f4 N& v& C& X: X
When the quiet night comes# C; j- X/ N8 P; I" i8 j
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.. O3 i0 R+ s1 k( @
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
/ y5 ~4 K' e. jYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
# ?/ V! g/ G0 `! \light the dark corner in my mind.) ?' f. ?3 @9 V4 T: M) C% f, a
I feel a bit of cozy.$ s* v1 X" G% r/ P$ ^
The deep attached to you in a twinkling1 i: J! x. x0 p3 Q% t) e# I- r2 k9 z
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
9 d: W7 I3 ]# T  A# n' `I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,5 _: U0 }5 K  D
but accompanying with the time passed
! s1 \& V% L& d6 E6 y8 II am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion," i  P2 t7 o; G1 j5 r
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.$ Q& _/ ?6 V. q/ e) {4 H! g
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
: l) t& ]) N2 V: d0 V: A# l6 `only feel gracious for your existing,4 A1 u! I  I, V; S
onlt want to do something for you.& {  k8 f. W: e% a
Every time when you meet me
/ |! f7 z! p  a1 \; ethe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,1 L. f/ `; j; O' h# i' h* l2 C
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% S* _( Q- Q$ A# O6 ~; k$ IThat live in my heart.
( g" K5 x3 |# {1 t1 L# bDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
4 w& e/ S" X: |: z+ L  MEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
& ^7 g3 G: _/ \make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
' {" b0 K3 M# R3 XThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
( M0 ?* E1 }1 D$ w! T% ^suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
2 C( z4 N8 r, XDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
2 e. J+ ]! o  a8 v( ?especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
$ `+ J: g/ @+ x9 P  X( jSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
, U% K: v7 J- v+ F* ?only waiting for you quietly
/ y# t3 |$ Q, l: t' n! z( ]just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.& R! j4 w  y1 l" M
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
$ @  P7 f. u+ k/ o, xand enjoy the rain washing together8 X7 `! q5 d) F
or rush to a film
/ G7 L  J6 H- e1 h/ `' Nor listen to a music quietly.8 x' o* _" Y1 h7 l8 b
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
0 y" K/ Q% B6 Z5 O, sIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,8 R9 u4 Z( ~* I/ w4 F1 H( i
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
# j1 h0 C. w/ B. CThat is enough.
5 Z$ H* R+ T4 G. l3 w1 C3 y3 nMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,: i4 {/ f  o2 y$ B- _6 Z* _4 I( i0 t
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
* a5 _" M0 s. U3 u$ o9 D4 s, Mthe same as my missing.
3 [1 Y. {4 M) wIt comes a little bit of verdure.
  G; b' X% ^& l! i: z; ?0 e% {If, If some day I can touch your hand,
1 ~$ l& C& |4 ^8 v" O; q& pthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
1 _. ^3 B( @, y2 t0 d) yLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
. I, u5 _1 w/ {, \, _I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.5 e; `! t- p. e9 @
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,' e8 ]5 t$ }9 ~- P; G
then I will have all care and ardor.. I/ Q# s: ]( j0 D9 v
Shall we walk arm in arm?
3 J" s( y& k% }8 t8 @呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
# a1 Z# u' ?+ V9 m8 q8 h5 z& CLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.) U8 |- {2 d4 [# Z5 m
I am still the same person of yesterday.
' a; \) A% F6 qUnchanged name, unchanged I.- x) A4 p7 T0 H/ B6 y
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 3 }2 ~0 g: i# F9 T% s* w! k* n
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.. \% p( G  c. K
More or less,$ h+ w6 v" P4 N' @& i" e+ S
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.' U5 O7 B1 I+ Z6 f* G6 Z# l; N% x; i

7 q7 Q2 \) K/ I9 d, kSummer easily slips away
1 u3 F, z: N- _! s7 C7 xThose long lost hot nights4 q  l8 m0 Z9 ~; a7 S
can only be found in the old days.
9 c4 I3 M5 b8 f( s) ]
+ F, l/ [9 ~, C  q1 C9 xCats jumping over the window sills,
- `0 ~5 R- t3 _chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
# r* _" `* K$ s' HGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ Z& M. C: t5 W# M
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
( u7 i& m# d+ ^9 e1 qI am still the same person of yesterday.( p5 z$ R- p7 R" o
Unchanged name, unchange ...
) ]) d" c3 P# X- ^5 m
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表   K- n% G$ N# H& u& z. I- M- F4 i  I
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
) R; Z2 x$ v. ~' a5 B+ a& A7 YLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.  G2 \8 N7 S0 E' M
I am still the same person of yesterday.+ |* N# p) \  H, Y
Unchanged name, unchange ...
  z) I. N. p- e7 r& V. G" Z
i like it.
理袁律师事务所
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