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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
: G) i2 d$ ~9 ^,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  7 w" @. ?  ?2 h% v& V6 {5 V& A9 U( ~
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 7 Z$ Z" Q+ S' E! j  r+ V& M
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
3 Y$ f" _6 I5 U$ C- `7 @. J6 H梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
$ p" Q& G3 s0 X# U; K5 i2 J5 g眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something., a- X3 u7 ^6 k; Q1 E' I
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night., I' _" h* x( d8 e8 ]4 r
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
% v: n5 E  N6 t% E6 Y7 i! R( \$ O就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.4 P1 g( p( \  s, L- q
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
+ ^4 a- B) T+ Q1 N3 R那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。  @$ t- o- @) a
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream./ b; H$ @! t' ]
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.0 ^9 g' T' f9 h3 i" T
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.6 s# o! h- [. W2 o( u
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
4 E/ G) {) a! A$ P2 d寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
3 q0 t" F4 e8 v# T: C' X醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.. A& M' n; d( j1 t' v) b
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
: D+ r2 a, E% U; _最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
! d- {2 C% Q7 F* |1 T8 [多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?5 n* x; s* Y/ l: ?2 F
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
' H* y. w% I1 S5 q  L多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
, W8 \/ j& G" t, d6 N不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
$ G! h3 R. v' L5 r  x/ r1 W多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
" c/ P6 B3 b2 Y5 D+ C+ N为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?( v/ J/ J' q' n6 L% k; N
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!1 v0 I; z! [( Z* J1 N3 a9 \6 b
永难平息的泪
' m% R' Y# J" h9 W2 d1 k8 x) ^1 M每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes% Y6 a3 q" d- j9 Z  k' R1 e
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
* K0 p+ j5 _' J0 s" C! n* A当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
$ V% P2 q+ u9 M' w7 n+ k( G让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,0 y% _/ ]# Y' F  r' o
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 2 p: X) m9 O& ^, ]
一抹微笑;" x2 B" h" _$ Z1 X$ F  N0 [" ]
一个手势;; p/ @( }1 U  R4 A# W
一片话语,
, p2 \6 n- A- k0 k! W. R% T愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、, A: ^" J* U3 z! M" l
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
( s) l: B6 y6 n& h6 l心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
6 r8 [6 h+ b7 q: H这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
5 I/ u2 T- D" e0 M7 q- a! `也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..5 j5 U! c- s6 ~  I
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,5 y. l0 l3 J! m1 v
我并不以为然。+ I& K& ^( b/ C* F% `
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
: w# ]% @# g1 ?, }* ]  j4 }* k慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
0 W! v0 L) w6 D" U) P被一种情绪所左右,% s" J: ?: I2 Z3 d. V
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly ." U$ ?  B; X5 R5 b% i4 Y
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
" M6 h* _- s2 \也不问我是否喜欢你,/ ^6 [0 e& }$ d7 d
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
4 F6 B  u5 ~; O8 J8 c只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
; s8 }* S' B' Z2 ^3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you$ p  N! R# i- ^0 ~  o# S+ K
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil6 S7 u9 Z- z9 A8 C9 z- |9 u* E  z
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere : E7 E9 }* m& r/ }8 o
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
" v2 D' N) ?  M" e- l; ?记在我的心间。That lives in my heart." f% I$ Z- `( G. I9 c6 q) z
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 2 N& b) }* R7 {; `( |
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
* l, [! s# a8 }# c% v# [! ?/ c哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
4 d- g0 P. Q5 M. {% T一种声音,and your voice4 K, v$ ?9 H% k4 H) a" x: M
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.0 n5 V- l+ b) d/ `1 M0 [4 g
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
" z; w9 [  \& b9 ?- F( @与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land; e8 a( `  G2 S3 H/ T. `
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
( J) {, v  F* S8 @' v7 }( w倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.3 B3 J& R: Q5 h! V
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
8 e" @. G! H* L1 o- f+ M+ h你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
* @4 A( d7 ~; s; H& f有一个能够让思念的人,5 {! t0 K4 [+ [4 Q5 b
其实也是一种幸福。/ L3 z$ `- P! k7 Y, w, s
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 4 J( {  Q$ c! D
柔柔的海风," S2 g( P0 a) o1 i0 X% Y, R
甜甜的夏天。# G* ^% A! v) I. W% ?
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
1 _# @. Q5 |# W+ V' L" f0 q只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.4 B9 \2 p5 }6 h: N
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.0 Q7 U+ }, j4 q1 |  J! X
想和你有共同的情结,) a% S5 i2 F* {: N" D8 g7 z3 x
共同的心愿。( g. l8 z& ?) u9 u1 I1 r, }

' M+ I) C7 g; S/ A4 E) v: T' P* t8 [; i+ V0 N) q( |
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
7 ^8 O9 K" @6 p/ p/ U+ f! `3 E4 W一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together& \  z( H1 n7 L
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ' [8 X. a& V8 ?1 A9 i
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
( Z0 O3 e% S( d* M『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
: J3 x' E1 ~. L4 ^2 @我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
  V6 |- F7 I% U" q* p( g浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
. Y; S7 z5 j8 l或是轻轻的一吻,; o* c2 ]/ ?# [8 F/ r5 m
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
' U  m( @$ d: y  C/ n# k' i就足够了. That is enough.( l9 f: N" j* F0 n* T3 r
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
2 D7 d. J' `# }3 \. R* P* z, A终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.1 i+ L' Z) z' f6 C" h# u% n9 I: R
萌出了芽,# c4 A% W4 a6 N. M
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing; p9 X, x" g7 V* c9 ~2 B" J2 B
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.8 v; J4 e7 Q6 z
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
+ ?" H# O: ]  [4 u5 y4 ~能够牵著你的手,( p, r8 V  x( {) l; x1 d3 x
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
4 Q  \# S( W3 v让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. & |% a1 n- S4 ]
慢慢地细读,
( R  Y$ [+ K6 }+ e9 V, H" @我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. , [+ I$ o+ l2 a6 b5 Q* w1 Z; Y
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ! q0 _2 G) s, o  _
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 9 s8 u7 L" K8 u9 w/ D
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:; D" K% C7 i7 Y5 h
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago! H! D/ G; y5 U/ ?
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.! j5 z8 V; F( o; p' m
change to:lacked
5 I2 d- Q) Z+ ]3 `. j猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
' y% K7 a( p1 V# LCats often played at the whole hot night.7 }9 y! @: n! B
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及; ~) i2 {3 u8 Z6 E
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.5 l& z: O0 m. ~" s" h8 I, ^* |
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ; U# X  M6 ]' l' I
该为:throughyour hands.0 Y( U% C/ a& t0 h  U4 r. L1 v
还没检查完,下一次再改.
大型搬家
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。9 Y' s; s9 |4 ^' Y( }
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
; F" R6 z% Q4 d至少比我强。- Y  |4 l" u6 p' }: b: K3 C
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 5 \5 D6 |. g* x/ y1 @% l8 l9 h

5 h1 k. ?) t6 h* P1 J这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
0 ]- c6 c2 H: ]9 R; `$ ~后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.8 I- R' F: X5 V8 |) ?; e& Y
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
: A3 z3 t$ d) }2 g前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
/ }9 @  n4 W+ G3 I2 A( lEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
6 v9 h8 {- i# c! D: \! mPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.7 y0 x! o, }) _( g+ |' d
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.% s+ S) o. ~- B3 e9 q  o9 O
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.9 s, }  ^$ P0 e, |
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
; T7 M0 R; t' ~) B1 N% MSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
4 S; g# Q8 Z; h# LCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
! W1 R' F- z4 G  @! H4 Glike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
6 E, ^- R, L7 d! fI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.' \$ {, T/ N) `: ]
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
, x1 _) p, p, f% o7 T: uThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
  z% P7 S" }4 O6 n0 `I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
$ O% W7 k) m9 q0 sI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.1 M9 V1 x1 M) A7 g7 }0 {$ [5 I6 [0 `
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?3 N) _" K) r5 ^
Intoxicated then feel cold,
" n+ _& D$ Q9 i6 P+ B" Xthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
7 D; v0 G6 a. S5 _" tI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
* }- {/ C( a* g: U2 L/ t9 d4 K. xThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?9 A7 U6 p- ?- K) y/ c0 q% J5 T" ]
Why I am always hoodwinked!) a' U. v' Q# ~$ V+ K; p: R9 n2 V
I have told myself many times cautiously
+ ?' U/ F, Q' U8 ]. |; edon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
0 y' d. h" v9 j9 ]. FThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
8 @6 Q# W7 Z! }* k/ H/ N# b1 \5 s' NWhy can`t I take it easy?+ _1 G; t7 [- \9 P
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
) D6 e. C9 f" a0 hWhen the quiet night comes. o5 ^! s/ V9 C6 L
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes., M2 K. O. O/ [3 a$ J/ C0 K
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
! ]. J6 M$ z# a7 w) _  t. [8 lYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,2 w5 a# q/ o! C1 x
light the dark corner in my mind.
) e$ _6 C# m# O% l& OI feel a bit of cozy.# C  u" B, C( ^# ?; Y3 Z' q
The deep attached to you in a twinkling0 D& C5 N; C. |) Z0 c6 E/ M4 E
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.1 \1 J. }" P' h: |8 H" p
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
- s6 k3 h; R* a: M8 W* e) Y4 I! p4 \- Bbut accompanying with the time passed
( q$ z! H1 r# A% J5 XI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,+ u1 Z1 @( C7 D+ W# E# p
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly." {2 a( ^& ~; |5 u
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
; r6 x6 ]- d: R. l% tonly feel gracious for your existing,! b2 m6 S! h4 |$ L1 O  V# f
onlt want to do something for you.
+ f1 ^( Y2 }* l8 H1 G# T3 {3 QEvery time when you meet me9 R2 e: a" D0 P
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
  v9 |& Q; Y6 e# Tbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
3 A+ G" L, t9 S' }That live in my heart.
7 V" g9 R* B: w% n/ C2 g7 Y" ZDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?' [4 @" K$ W- o6 [5 a. S, J
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
3 z! B5 p8 `' Z- V: L; F- j$ lmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.  c' \. I2 p/ ]) j
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land6 e, A9 ?4 ^+ k. ~
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.+ ]* q% |7 \6 _& r" Y2 ~
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
8 K* X3 p2 U  \7 m0 hespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer., H# F4 ^0 T9 c. b: D6 M
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
% N! v9 p9 V  u+ ponly waiting for you quietly- ]; E: G( [  Z3 i/ f2 C( ]
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
) R& y& G2 P" \/ R- EI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
7 Q, ~" A! z: c  N, B1 h. aand enjoy the rain washing together) W1 ^2 V0 H) N  o( b' r
or rush to a film
) x$ O/ l% H) B2 tor listen to a music quietly.
  k( j2 |) H1 O& S- h+ [3 dWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?, {6 h* P, q5 A- I8 L# B
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,5 T7 Q! U; u+ G9 O0 ]" u# E
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".# }' T: K. ]/ |, z5 i; z9 x
That is enough.$ w* u" g! `- W/ S
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,9 f7 d6 @; v! X
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,( \0 J( ^' C' P9 n# H# ?
the same as my missing.) w. l& h; `/ G2 b
It comes a little bit of verdure.
0 Y4 a  ?7 R0 h- Y6 |. o* o  c: }. R# vIf, If some day I can touch your hand, " U5 k; c2 k0 {8 G! W7 l4 J. Z
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
& U: w$ q0 |7 w. L9 I  _2 BLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
& S+ q3 v( F  y( w* @  w7 hI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
1 H  R. m/ M6 lAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,1 A7 f* Y5 E/ o. ~+ j3 a/ x
then I will have all care and ardor.  \( V  T* L/ P7 s
Shall we walk arm in arm?) \* J7 U. A) H% ]1 M5 D
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.  l2 F  E; e+ o+ N& S4 R; H
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
, g1 I* u5 }5 u% \% TI am still the same person of yesterday.5 ^/ Z5 z' E6 L5 p( q7 v$ N( h
Unchanged name, unchanged I.  Y4 Q/ f; b5 e9 r4 L  \6 X! H5 A- @) G
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
! q" u. S1 E& gLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.: `. U  I) m* C- p  m, y! [
More or less,
5 W7 B( X* e% I" g& F a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
* ^' ]5 u3 g3 x  ~5 v& M4 X( b2 ?! |, e! \8 J
Summer easily slips away
# f: p, l, Q8 L! `) Z9 Y/ m4 ^( t8 ]Those long lost hot nights
+ x( X4 A' L2 L- B can only be found in the old days. # b/ e+ W! m+ K$ v' |

# C; d) c3 d: [: u3 s% hCats jumping over the window sills,
" g; ^3 \' g5 t& q* ?. B/ Echasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ; F- b/ ]* y3 V7 o
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
# l5 Y  T2 {' N/ p0 e, s1 x" R" rLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
& k9 _  @2 n* p% F2 T; A/ xI am still the same person of yesterday.
6 O, @* Z' f7 }5 f3 }+ M8 \: T, NUnchanged name, unchange ...
) S3 v, a7 G9 s$ r, t+ m& l
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表   s/ L+ K% e1 A2 v' C- @7 `
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.$ _$ w# x8 i0 f# {; p% l
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 `9 l& j6 N4 W* N
I am still the same person of yesterday.
% u% ~; B3 c! S3 D5 Z8 q  Q) w4 ]Unchanged name, unchange ...
2 {5 @8 M9 D! D3 d
i like it.
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