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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,$ A/ D: P. e* t5 G  R9 o
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  % _  `1 S1 N! v8 D
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
% R1 t! V, ^5 ~* B现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
, s$ b( d; h' y* V梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.- u) W7 t& n* y. r  Y1 K
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
1 I) b; Z  A5 s9 I, {夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night., C8 w( \3 e) T( ~
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
! G7 q5 \2 l3 s, U就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.( i; T5 Y) E5 v7 ~9 K
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
( w# e; [8 T/ \- \7 {那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。% ?# ^! j4 V( i8 A
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.3 N. {7 E& \9 F6 W
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.# Y2 u. x. r# n* `' V
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
4 |0 g( d% T# S& [最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. # }  T, _( K% G
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
8 F6 h8 @2 b( A0 o3 ]) \# S醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
0 x# U3 H6 p# j3 `迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
7 Q: W5 W8 a5 T4 ~8 L最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.' l% E2 C$ `' K0 N
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
' f" |5 p1 w) @; f, zWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….' T0 L0 V0 Q0 \8 o/ v& r* z7 `* |
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
# |1 c; F7 X1 v3 P* j1 [7 A+ F1 k不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig./ s" f: {6 v  a
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
1 n! ]$ i# M0 E' `+ l7 N( M" u- A为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
: q! @. D) V' `5 g! c: `多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!; t+ Y# A5 C5 ~; Y; {* O
永难平息的泪
. c2 I# p7 h/ {: _8 c每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
" G+ B/ C2 m* p8 C( q1 B; h  w~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
- F( v4 _7 @% X- M当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.& J2 E; J/ U) [' d# O
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
) P  J+ N! b* b) D' K5 J' o你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 3 e$ @! ~' O# W1 j
一抹微笑;
8 J1 ?/ K1 ^5 `' I+ y* p  ^% T4 P一个手势;+ U8 ?- C( i, i& f; Q
一片话语,' d3 u5 X( H% Y) x
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、" F, U5 j, V) b+ x
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
+ }- g. Y/ `  A& \心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.3 }  ?* `2 H. p* e: S& n
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
  w* t$ ?; O' N也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..# I& F0 \* D( L; W$ d
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
9 I  F5 z* [- Z" d# ^" F. a我并不以为然。1 t8 C9 ]; T1 v$ C  Z0 S* k
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
9 K0 c8 h% X" [3 g, Y' G慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .7 K6 Z9 v" ]3 G* K: g. |
被一种情绪所左右,
" \+ v: \4 H( b# c, I. `总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
( U; l  @4 k/ w# G$ o% h即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you- p% @9 G. _+ h& a7 h9 H4 b
也不问我是否喜欢你,. d7 d% \) Y. Z/ e6 F5 E
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
1 g" b/ X; r6 p只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
9 V* x; H$ n) L3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you( u2 C- ~- [5 G' U) R  `( S" v
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
* }0 `. Q5 w2 X: N& P7 e然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere * n& k' n6 W$ B0 N5 I3 p
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
% C, U( c. w6 x$ r记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
0 Z. s  L1 E( W你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! . L4 b0 m4 t, D; \5 ], b$ M& c
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
# J" i9 \& u8 h: E% W1 c哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,6 [4 r; S  F# |) E+ B& j9 Q
一种声音,and your voice4 C. V! a9 `/ e' K
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
% O% E( I: F0 x8 V4 h掺杂著幸福的感觉。
& o- G; n  p6 L; V8 z与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
& j0 _; ?+ L; e5 \* a象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
& J: e$ t/ [6 u0 ~+ D. f3 n倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
* U' y" ~# y' B# z+ _0 }7 |纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。) F) Q; T) h+ c/ S+ m, l. d: Z
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss5 y! l0 t9 \+ C5 M6 g
有一个能够让思念的人,* N% ?! w( a! P/ z% f
其实也是一种幸福。+ q9 R1 v: M4 \3 {
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
6 p8 m( |" j3 R( b- G/ M, y2 k; \2 w柔柔的海风,. \7 ]) O2 s1 L6 H5 X
甜甜的夏天。$ [0 S4 n* M( L/ p3 V
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 0 q3 b% g  w9 ?7 u6 ]2 B
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.4 J' `/ d( T$ e& t3 B# }9 D
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.& ^0 z7 L: p4 M- F( y! g
想和你有共同的情结,6 L7 h" T$ N# T. `4 M" S# f# F
共同的心愿。/ F6 t/ }. [6 x2 T; ?9 ?8 l
* F# l4 W$ J. \& N. I

6 Y  q) H2 r4 ^' H* w: R$ I5 I; x好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you( Y" ^0 U! Q$ r# B- E# n9 r3 p7 @) c
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
! i3 P8 Q3 x& s9 m- G或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ( R6 y1 e) r& I' y! o
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.$ r9 R1 ]& O7 @# V' `
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?/ ]1 ]" _) d# ~. F& Q
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, ' N5 H  ?  b5 g
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
& D2 j1 K9 ^5 B# J或是轻轻的一吻,1 u& f' G6 w8 B' x  m3 T: y3 x
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
& ^. n- M% M, f, [9 p* U( }就足够了. That is enough.. H+ s! @1 k7 l" n7 J
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
3 n. W- h: f9 n: \! F终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
2 {: b1 n* t& M, R4 G% O  J) a萌出了芽,
& o: v) i7 n, ?( |$ F一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
  g, s/ b) T/ `1 X' {浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
4 R; k% T0 {: p如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
0 ?2 r: v$ g) M1 `, f6 B7 F, n" a) R能够牵著你的手,9 N1 L( |& @/ U' V3 h
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.9 w9 X9 {0 B% c( \( q+ r. r7 \# w
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
, ?3 A8 \4 s. ~' H慢慢地细读," M1 S, p$ H4 F1 R) B% ]' F
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
% O9 R. v) O5 `在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
1 S1 D* w8 S. _0 t4 U+ M+ w1 _我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
% [9 s: d  \2 b9 h+ N" E( s4 c( Y2 [2 |7 q就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:$ B9 n3 B& P% I" K- }. ]0 z$ q! l
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago/ b2 F4 F; u) _3 J
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.8 P4 O' }: g2 ^, J& J2 K, E$ W
change to:lacked
. O; V4 H. |- C猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.) |" Y" E: H/ }3 _- w
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
% W9 a$ I" H1 y1 w0 [3 ` 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及& h# U8 n4 D' l! I4 q9 L
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
% q2 X8 i+ C9 MI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 6 P- g1 J" k5 p$ z6 q
该为:throughyour hands.2 S5 \% ^/ [, O, P
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。0 q4 |, \3 d$ w! [5 `) o
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
7 A5 J. Z+ K. w6 E) F  i' t1 X至少比我强。7 m) a# k3 o3 K, D) h
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... ( f" o, A. s0 l/ n  W

: d0 q7 L+ I9 X8 S这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。+ T6 A3 b7 p8 f6 U5 g" c8 N
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.& q* p5 [, \9 V8 r1 Q
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.  W: y0 L: \: h4 |0 V" Z% |
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:1 Z1 h% t- `& A# a5 k" X' j0 v
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
* ?9 d/ x8 O# F% w  [Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
/ c* M! a! |5 L5 P6 I% o4 G, ?& m Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
) g  a4 Z  Y' R' T" QThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.9 v% F4 l: g8 n# q
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.; b8 f  d7 d7 p9 l1 z1 V; q, B
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
4 Y1 e+ W$ k4 f) ^2 B1 d7 VCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 8 D- z1 C+ }- |4 `- y# V
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
; K. J& S" c* vI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
+ K  z6 U9 ]# q# d9 @# D4 J  eThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
4 ~1 D* d2 ~+ Q' h# X! dThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
' e2 Y" N8 _- a2 z2 q0 WI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
. G% ^' T' _; t3 ^! C7 AI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.; |) {/ {) \1 s( b
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
! ?8 a/ A9 ]( m2 _Intoxicated then feel cold,
7 t, c' A* [0 I( Cthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
/ Y" R4 G* x7 Z5 h5 ~2 {& h. MI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
5 X  x# p: D8 w. `0 N( SThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?% y3 @7 ^1 O5 W7 F
Why I am always hoodwinked!
# B8 O6 U: x8 LI have told myself many times cautiously 9 q5 u) W) Q9 ~
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.5 D, z% u7 b- H; j: f6 W7 o
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.0 p  ?3 }! @1 }. O: G' R# }
Why can`t I take it easy?
( W* S% j9 z  v$ q' UHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
$ C' e( }4 }: oWhen the quiet night comes7 X' e0 t3 U& y
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.2 d& Y8 e# t+ \6 t, r3 t
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
* S. `# _0 b, SYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
4 F8 t% @" S( O& Q* v9 Q& o9 Mlight the dark corner in my mind.
( D2 t& f* W/ _3 JI feel a bit of cozy.3 ^/ e( A2 z( D
The deep attached to you in a twinkling& _* p/ u( ?( x* t6 V) e
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.) [2 x6 U5 c1 n6 w
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,  c' f% W/ x+ z0 C2 V6 o
but accompanying with the time passed1 F0 u; F  {8 g  Z# E0 U
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
+ j1 A0 |3 l9 z- \always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
. d. ?2 ?  C5 f6 s( n% pWithout asking if you like me or if I like you7 Q9 ~) q% y- U( m7 R3 ^: S* H# n7 Q
only feel gracious for your existing,: }' v! ^3 [4 o, e2 x! y; G
onlt want to do something for you.
/ @: g( L( ?2 {# \. v- `; y  IEvery time when you meet me
+ F$ r, e4 |; e4 J. {# Pthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
7 v) h, [1 y3 L  Ubut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
/ u- h1 y; H$ |, mThat live in my heart.9 Y$ b  i/ }0 f# h7 p
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?/ y0 d: o) ^$ o: n! s
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice6 U" y& m; L* T, ^5 U
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.. j: S0 ^  d, l& v1 b0 k
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land8 |7 T' I; F, F* n" \
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ [! v# Q& z0 a, v" X4 W% {0 bDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,! @- h5 z" r2 Q1 b( n! O( E& c
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
+ m8 C: P0 i( H5 H# C$ ?Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy % V, b8 o+ U/ `! d# k; |8 |
only waiting for you quietly% g) F, c  x! M9 B
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
# i( J- l2 l  S9 ]' b, uI really want to ramble in the small rain with you 9 w3 U6 U8 D% c$ O. p
and enjoy the rain washing together& t3 O2 ]4 @5 w4 m
or rush to a film
* k/ w" J( c* \or listen to a music quietly.% ~! d" N% S8 `1 K  T
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
  h1 x1 w7 H  g6 OIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
- A2 H3 w& f5 j$ d& dsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".9 j* w- R# ^. P% ?3 J9 K: U
That is enough.4 F1 K- ^3 a( o1 q; C! Z+ f
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,+ k5 Q) g' ?% R4 z; h" i& K2 ~
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,  O8 u& Z: f: }( ?8 t( O0 \" i
the same as my missing.- {( D  Z9 Y+ j( L$ m
It comes a little bit of verdure.
2 k2 J, k, @! |& Y( Y$ s: YIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
( Z8 g. z) z/ H& g$ T$ D# _then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.; D, y) B7 Q/ X% B: O
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
3 r3 }" N6 m, xI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.* i, X* [) E5 h# B8 R/ v
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,6 _- z% n/ w) b% j
then I will have all care and ardor.- A& c7 u: J$ O1 w. L2 C
Shall we walk arm in arm?
* E, a2 k& \8 s呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.- r# F8 N0 i7 {) J: p
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.4 k; V& ^; O& ^2 A& R- o
I am still the same person of yesterday.
4 x* i8 P/ G. Q) T: BUnchanged name, unchanged I.6 c% F% N8 D9 E+ b  _
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
1 t" b% v+ O9 ZLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
0 C1 z6 n8 B! g! O6 LMore or less,
8 g" `3 h  g7 G: f3 s8 T, C a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
% L" x# s/ p+ u8 _8 c2 v6 N4 }8 e3 Y5 ~
Summer easily slips away! E* Z2 I; E- y- ^& S
Those long lost hot nights6 P1 k/ a4 p8 }4 s% z
can only be found in the old days. 6 A0 _! X. `% Q2 u
) Z6 B% r& m; i# P1 y3 ]  l
Cats jumping over the window sills,
6 R: d" V/ F- H2 {0 C' L( T) Wchasing around in the breeziness.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 8 v8 O8 B" E4 ]5 N
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.; w; U' B" X" v+ c
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
6 ?, m7 p0 a  F5 _! t2 T6 q- s# ]" GI am still the same person of yesterday.6 v+ E8 a* Y4 ^9 y& U6 x6 [! q
Unchanged name, unchange ...
5 e: S1 Y* G: C
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 9 q7 E: A1 y* w7 V  i
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light., |1 m5 \% o0 B) `1 c
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
! b5 D+ L4 Y; @/ H5 j) II am still the same person of yesterday.( K# A# C- h3 p& I. M8 I" N- K; T3 u
Unchanged name, unchange ...
- F  ]" D% m  C( K( v+ d
i like it.
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