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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,+ Q  B- H& T0 |! J
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  & ~1 f: ]4 f* j# W2 R: T( [
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . # |/ `6 M% M6 q: k' s2 w* U- M
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.4 I# r: d$ V( g2 z8 E, K/ S: v
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
) j! r  t9 _! y, _+ j1 x- F4 d' E+ E眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.. b* U6 ?" V7 m+ y, z! L2 f* a
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
4 U2 ^- ^4 T0 B9 U猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.+ Z" k* g) h1 m) n
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
8 b5 ?/ d8 z6 H. ^/ x( t( [我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及( O0 D( f/ |$ |) d$ T# J- a7 r* l+ x
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。2 R7 _8 i# l, x6 d+ `; |- \; P% I( ?
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
9 ^4 q& D. Q) n' j5 b* l昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.( X/ o' m. v. u, J9 [
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.7 v! H# ?5 i. B* P' {
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. + L" j- ?, A+ ]; z
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?) [6 ~( P0 i" f8 c
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
( _4 N7 I! s3 w& @迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.+ f" @+ |# j" g7 Y7 g/ [
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have." {& ]9 h  `, k- c  a/ B( [
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
# [0 _% ~; r" Z+ \! T  T2 jWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….- F5 D# m" P& m" z
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously" |- p$ j! g% ?8 A4 ?8 s4 v
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
: _- x8 a! G) e* T. v  r多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 4 U2 S; t( y4 x
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?4 }1 |  G" }+ [7 o
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
8 N3 c8 \  E3 o4 F0 |  [永难平息的泪. y. a% _; j  C
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes. q2 R  z1 F6 n- o  X/ N9 V  S
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.) J# P1 V9 ]" x6 w/ U, ^: N, ?; Y
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
& e5 R6 r5 F1 a! |让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,: ^. {! j: s8 U9 x3 A' L
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul , ~+ U1 E$ u) X/ |# p4 a1 |
一抹微笑;, k' v( z3 Y. ^# }) U( M
一个手势;5 _$ a2 h, B# @' i( V/ ?
一片话语,. s) r: J& s( w3 g
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
4 X8 P+ ?" `0 X明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner/ b( g! ~+ S4 Q$ v" e7 }2 y& b- d
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.* Y% U: t" a9 X3 U$ T& M
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling( ?" j0 @6 U, v
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
& b5 w2 H. x# K" `起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,7 R: G3 V6 @$ K  y# w' q" x) Y! }
我并不以为然。
* e9 L/ t% n" l7 f$ F( y, {可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed / o1 |6 f5 i% e- y6 y
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
# y. m# V; H& t" M# T, k9 q被一种情绪所左右,
7 U7 p& Y  t% ]$ M2 l总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
& _1 R$ D/ g3 @* ?即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
' S) @5 Q1 b5 {; b" D也不问我是否喜欢你," y, [9 j5 H) \2 S. @+ q% B
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
' X* W5 r5 x) l* Y5 v只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you- i; G+ R' t. ]* k5 J, G
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
) H+ ~/ o) t7 [( D8 Z. u: y/ G心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
+ W9 g6 a' H/ W* n5 _8 M然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
+ v8 c9 r, w) q3 x你的身影已化成一种氛围,
& ^9 c/ C9 u: R记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
, {% o* o  O6 d! Q' i你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
7 Y* @" y9 R4 ~8 ?" N; B  R& R& g% S随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字! X" T+ k1 h( V/ H6 }* N1 f
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,; R1 w% c* W$ v
一种声音,and your voice- S! O: a5 r/ {  \  s
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.5 i" ~3 ]" f8 a/ \$ i* u6 Y
掺杂著幸福的感觉。( _; U, y% ^! }/ H5 ^* |
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
  W. `6 f& D9 a  \1 }: _9 Z象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
+ k5 h6 P: f$ k倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
* \0 A( y9 a3 x  \  n# D纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。; D: U# o" p1 `, ^$ [
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
9 j9 c  U1 V; \. J! ?  p有一个能够让思念的人,- {8 G# N$ P9 Q9 [) z
其实也是一种幸福。& ~; N4 B3 \3 Y/ f/ C- Y
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. # z! h" a" A, `6 p" r( Y! Y
柔柔的海风,0 I, z5 f7 o; G: n' o) k
甜甜的夏天。
3 L  l9 C, p  X一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
, P& v) H) x; E4 g: T' d5 n只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.6 G3 P3 P+ j9 w6 b/ G
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
4 Z: Z) |& U3 P2 [2 l, _想和你有共同的情结,
- D: z' F8 t3 T; C) \) i共同的心愿。5 q9 {6 @/ Y7 w1 }! Z0 f9 N4 e5 P

$ O' i& u4 j  u: x; G1 k) ?: B9 x* ]2 f) b$ O2 y
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
6 K7 s4 n9 n( f2 w$ U; Z一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
( w5 b" S* }$ N- |2 r# k或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
( U: f5 q: D  W, G9 a1 T或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.- o2 Z) q4 J( C8 E  g
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?& o- W* _5 B- q$ J
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
6 e( E6 H' K  D0 m浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”) I1 ^  K( {4 }7 T& c1 u8 w) b2 i
或是轻轻的一吻,* L8 u' j0 O" T& s3 e8 |8 _
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』0 M6 Z" {- E1 T1 d8 i
就足够了. That is enough.# |+ A4 o. [9 B1 e' h2 @
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! ( }. M( u- u2 D2 l+ R; C* t
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
* W9 v3 ?0 a$ ^" P6 w) l$ x萌出了芽,# H' O& r( M& A
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
  q/ F+ T/ U. i( u) E, `; |" f& }; H9 b浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure., |) K: O4 ~3 p  e6 \6 V# N
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
5 |1 v9 P  L) b/ i7 G能够牵著你的手,
" x9 b6 `0 ^2 F* R% v" R! ^1 W9 [- d那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.6 d/ B4 R3 [8 t" ~) Q  L
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
3 Q1 C  D8 x, D, w6 h. s1 A3 P慢慢地细读,' z! p5 _' h  t6 s! C2 \! A
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. - T' R/ ?8 p$ d& l8 b& {' k! }2 L
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
2 w+ x3 l) U1 j! M4 L! o5 ~我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
- j9 ]8 C5 @  v就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
0 }) D; S) e3 `5 ~: F现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago. C+ k. G- z2 m0 n$ ?  {# K2 ~
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.! W1 N9 ~" u: ^+ ~
change to:lacked) ~) y7 o3 E/ L3 U1 G( U# S
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.2 i, E, e4 {. O3 I( K
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
6 G6 A% D4 y$ R+ C& [1 x6 _* X5 V6 F0 w 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及: p! s+ [6 ?& _! t7 s+ _
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
/ o- O2 D* D9 K. p7 W9 e5 l. D& Y# ?I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 0 u& K+ O! G: ^! T
该为:throughyour hands.
6 r0 D. M- a" `# _! ~; ~" h+ U还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。$ V  P0 R( \" I6 |+ X- _0 [
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
0 U3 o- S, T/ _8 o至少比我强。
" U1 N! E6 z) K  @4 k$ W偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... ! Z* A9 K; Y2 D% U4 a

+ K( W7 Q6 S7 n% b这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。6 e1 J5 @: M5 O/ c
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.. M0 W) L+ i- q7 C6 F5 I4 z
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
' ?, |& Q; y1 y前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
+ i0 Y: ~* m: k+ eEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.& L/ [* t* M, ]5 Y0 y9 x' i- v3 s
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.. M: F* k0 d# \( [
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
9 S9 f) O; _4 \% c! Q) EThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
' D' W1 c( n. Y- C1 ZSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.* X4 V9 C6 g8 ~4 C- R
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
. f" S! w8 d3 Q, j1 T* s3 E5 V6 vCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool ( s( N& l( H) f1 a9 u
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.7 |/ R+ T# q& N- f5 g# I
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.; z  \0 P& \- b, z1 ^
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
8 ^+ v! h8 i3 B8 ?' c6 ]9 v) lThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.1 |2 M1 s& H5 Q
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.2 k: s/ T0 T# D/ L* y0 B
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
* m' I% Z; `6 A) x- bIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?* A1 c6 R7 N4 d1 n$ _+ {
Intoxicated then feel cold,9 r6 T  R! N4 w) N4 v& @6 i+ P
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.- {) G9 `& G# n. l# P8 n! o
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.7 Y  g; b; Z  T
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
6 S3 B( e8 Q$ L2 ?8 Z1 dWhy I am always hoodwinked!1 {) E4 P7 ^$ l1 u
I have told myself many times cautiously 7 F& v6 a; L6 F# X
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
  x* i" F: [( ?6 h" d- e0 s& qThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.; v4 |: z7 a3 h! s3 l5 Q, \
Why can`t I take it easy?
! {/ P) ^; W6 Z! n' NHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!9 u, ?) z0 f: Y; h
When the quiet night comes4 [$ o9 ^& w6 _  v. M! |
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
( k$ A4 g) ?* w7 XThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
" i; b4 G4 _7 `  c5 R+ ^$ qYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
" ?1 D* Q3 y/ w/ Z& i' Zlight the dark corner in my mind.
; @1 Y# _$ v$ ~% U# gI feel a bit of cozy.4 n% H. B1 E/ O" j
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
6 ~. B  Z3 ]  s2 W0 [maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
0 |2 [+ m  i; q+ H0 |I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
- T& q' t2 g. Vbut accompanying with the time passed4 i3 d' t  X% J6 U. q4 E1 ~
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
1 T: j" v) Y% x% Qalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
2 ~& v- U' T6 [0 FWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
9 y/ ?$ ^$ }2 b' @+ X& jonly feel gracious for your existing,$ e0 u9 b. H' B( _" h( _5 }
onlt want to do something for you.
5 E3 r# b! T( }0 F3 b- Y( Q( lEvery time when you meet me
1 j) w. C) T1 _  K9 U. r! Dthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
% H- _% z# c" m* b  D; P( Ubut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere; g7 Q. _+ A' ?& I6 C: [( j
That live in my heart.
% @" S8 D/ u3 a+ }7 d# Q& HDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
( R- ]' |$ _5 a4 z. J3 a% sEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
: Y9 [7 v* K# A4 F0 u: Mmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
) Y2 m3 M5 P( o/ C7 J2 IThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land- _- Q8 ~1 J0 B" i! g+ d  v
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you./ O: y7 Y/ _4 a+ z
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
! `; l- V4 L1 h* vespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
3 I5 e, o- K; P4 r0 QSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 1 z/ \7 L* g7 E* [, \4 |) z
only waiting for you quietly
$ o! o9 y1 O& Njust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do., s# c+ N( z# O0 x1 T2 D
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you ' _6 _* g0 b1 A
and enjoy the rain washing together$ L  t1 O0 E( n9 d+ y4 K. k6 C
or rush to a film
5 X" P0 w' s9 @2 A% Z) K6 l0 qor listen to a music quietly.1 `. U1 W/ @; {2 @- w" I
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
& W4 m) v* m. r, b% G  d. SIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
- @2 ~4 _. o, U' q3 p0 ^: Vsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
/ r+ [! v9 x$ L+ ^/ T) ]That is enough.
# C7 p8 U8 m! B9 K+ kMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,. q3 C: _/ k; g3 c4 Y3 W
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,+ o& D" ~8 s- }9 F
the same as my missing., T# @6 ]& l2 B3 L6 _& L; E9 Y
It comes a little bit of verdure.
% p3 l3 e% z1 D/ D+ I; RIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
* y. W1 K' J: @/ j5 qthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.9 c: v( h7 p$ S* {8 d- E8 F2 o
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
- b+ v1 G) ?0 m& Z' }I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
0 d8 W3 t% G, }9 LAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,* L6 `* X& J1 b* T. k% \2 p/ e
then I will have all care and ardor.* C7 ^& }) A* f
Shall we walk arm in arm?/ D0 L9 r+ J2 H" \( n. h
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
, O4 Z" o% o( g. i) n1 FLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. P! b, t7 u. g/ o4 _3 e. g$ b* QI am still the same person of yesterday.
. q1 P+ x. r( b- rUnchanged name, unchanged I.. i- `: [$ C5 q* ~# E. H4 W
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 4 m, g* C$ l: o$ e: l7 @! \
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.3 W7 |( ?! {5 B
More or less,
1 T) r% k7 s' l5 k a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.- a- ^3 T4 Q8 N

( O" U! a( ^8 u3 i6 Z- X2 D; B+ M4 wSummer easily slips away5 N+ e+ f4 f) C9 w( q
Those long lost hot nights
  t  M' K3 j; c6 X/ i/ e* t can only be found in the old days.
3 I4 ?9 N% t6 n' t$ I$ W
1 R5 Y1 B/ F: S' u; tCats jumping over the window sills, 3 c3 ~" j9 c' t0 K! Y2 E
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 9 [3 K. b9 ?$ j! D6 Y) y
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* F, Y& C; }5 R5 O: s1 CLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
+ U6 ]1 D- o, ?I am still the same person of yesterday.
1 ^& K' T; p, K8 K/ e2 _5 ?Unchanged name, unchange ...

. A/ R' ]) A  z
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ) \/ K. U3 L  Y; K; f/ q2 `
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
8 W2 N$ i/ z3 P( U: ?- Q! KLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
: G$ \8 t/ H3 YI am still the same person of yesterday.
; F+ ^$ M# {7 ^1 ^' iUnchanged name, unchange ...

: ^& ^! E1 C# |) Oi like it.
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