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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,' v6 \" M0 C& R' h& X: ^/ h
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  0 _5 Y. b1 v  D( k  a& d3 Y
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . : G- H# _  z$ g3 r
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.- l0 V/ z1 ?8 X% W! Q
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
# @8 O6 V: R7 |8 }眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.$ U+ i# U0 _) P' s7 t) R; n
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.6 n8 Z/ l% e7 S  P
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.7 I- g  J/ Q; B, @6 S' |
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.- D$ K& ^% r; [2 j& `3 }; u; a
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及% N# l1 z7 M9 A0 o; _! Y; _
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。' f0 y0 U7 e9 ]& p% z/ I8 Q
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.& g  {" o$ p8 X' ~- b
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.. u( [7 J; R! q
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
1 w  Q3 ]( W) x7 U$ x最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. : f, I7 O) [1 r3 j; ~. n
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
0 w+ z# b# N3 o1 _5 f; |醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
; |% Q- J' G4 s; A# A& I2 _  W% c迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
2 D* |( Q! C  L7 ^3 s8 h' Z最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have." b  b+ S2 M: [. B
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
7 P$ U5 e/ ?- P8 \5 bWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
$ |3 J: R9 |1 ]: e7 Z多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
4 q5 ^8 D( Z* W. `: p* t. W不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
' W" F' q9 g" ~4 Y多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
9 u7 t# t. a: x3 S% Z5 m为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
; ~% C; _# s0 L6 \# m多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
; M% V- S1 y( V永难平息的泪: ?* t' x/ a9 v8 h2 x
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes1 O8 i. p) r" C. t
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.; ]3 T8 e1 Z6 b3 S
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
* O4 l% C) y+ }+ u让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
8 d" {# R! \, b8 H你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 6 C6 [/ [: `2 p% g( K
一抹微笑;
+ M. t9 d/ _( T一个手势;7 P" G8 T9 T9 R* w3 q
一片话语,) j3 O. X4 {3 D* p, ~8 u1 j1 [
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、$ C2 U% z$ ?' A) g' @( A0 G' u
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
5 m  }/ v' W/ Q  j* T: C9 O3 ?心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
% A/ F3 U7 ?- e, b1 p8 _这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling( A  z$ D+ E* l+ j# W
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life... g. b  z9 I8 }3 ^
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
% y; u6 {* T! d/ m我并不以为然。
( Z. M; E/ ~  A6 b6 R. b可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 3 P. e" m& e5 h4 S
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
; _# \1 `& T$ L* x3 F' d) i1 ~" S. g被一种情绪所左右,6 G% d/ Q3 @" A8 Y
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .$ h; p3 T( c# H: Z5 ]
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
" ]4 C- S/ \0 E0 w) D+ M/ w8 ~5 ]9 V也不问我是否喜欢你,
1 }+ Y7 r$ k2 v1 K2 ?& s对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.! s3 N) B0 E/ L1 u
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
) N5 r: L9 G" k* W3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you# M6 A9 ?  N  E+ U& P
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
9 R( b8 s- w3 S2 ]% H然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere & w3 E( F5 O/ B9 R% I9 X
你的身影已化成一种氛围,) K' }% {+ Q6 D
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
. G6 G6 g/ B+ M6 t8 C0 `& u, ^5 j6 T你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
5 ^% z: U3 o8 {- m随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字+ N9 _9 x; D: V# |7 Z- _! v
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,' L; K# v$ {, ^  o0 E* O
一种声音,and your voice9 l2 U5 D/ O% f1 j4 m8 I- L4 h
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.7 n7 }$ o( X- G- ?4 q
掺杂著幸福的感觉。! l, [2 G) I0 Q/ n+ @3 J0 E' Q
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land5 V3 v  E! {( L1 H* i
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,6 O6 P+ Z' x  {9 Y" G" e. [* C4 ~: i
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
5 |& J: t% _; T! e纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
  a* p! D% d; k! {你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss9 l  o$ ~) d; o+ [1 H' u
有一个能够让思念的人,
2 J$ B/ J# K3 y- \" ~其实也是一种幸福。6 T4 G2 S, r7 [( A
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. / B# Q+ l# u6 U8 u% T$ V
柔柔的海风,# V; z& f  @% r% g3 H0 E
甜甜的夏天。
1 [2 v7 y. _8 P0 q+ U一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
: ?- e  o/ g" Z" X只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.+ J8 h# T: `0 q! M2 f" b, S; P
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.3 z' X5 M' Y8 S0 O0 _' }* e( j) t8 T/ V
想和你有共同的情结,. e2 P: [) T' y' ?7 r: `
共同的心愿。
$ N, B0 \, m* u* t6 H! [! m1 z& s
- I1 ~$ B5 c9 O6 Q: }$ P5 w' Q8 S1 A6 z$ E5 t' h9 R# n
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 {* F, h8 ]2 o' z3 p+ [+ O& C一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together6 ?8 y  j( F' D* U8 o$ m  C0 K- W6 T
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ( o+ d) r* `' x; u' ?
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
0 F. v" f! l  F$ d1 R『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?, R4 `' {6 E! ~* V# w$ q1 @3 d5 t0 Q
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, . h. m% [' h4 T
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
7 {' T' r# Z& `- P# O或是轻轻的一吻,) k, c0 I% c% o- s7 y) y3 c
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
& H0 M/ a, T% T) O8 T3 n5 n就足够了. That is enough.
) B4 u. X7 D0 h5 [, h) [3 D1 q& K这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
6 J& d0 A& r& _& c终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
; V: S4 k' r2 k萌出了芽,
9 a  f& B5 l# V  A, b# H一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
. l; o" B# `2 R! L' o3 ?$ h浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 I1 p. {- d+ D% w  I如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand3 ]  r  T" M. Z$ X
能够牵著你的手,
  I1 \( n7 w; W9 J8 e/ r那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
5 Z; t' `" M& \, F0 L6 Z让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
  _8 y) F: I* n% {, h慢慢地细读,
, K. U7 u% I# F3 M- X$ I, U我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 1 a. o" G1 P  O% t) Y5 l9 n5 S7 }
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
9 J; A2 d; |9 C, V" u5 `4 n我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor " E! L9 U' K5 @5 D' i. L$ [) K+ W
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:+ F1 z! T) y+ K& L! f4 z  r
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago6 ]; h# k# y9 j: `* j1 r# S0 v4 T
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
- l3 N; }$ ~0 Z( e! K. ]change to:lacked3 P# N( I  F3 d3 V+ k; y
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
" Z. ~& v4 {# x- aCats often played at the whole hot night.
2 g( i9 E* J4 a& l 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及, G6 z+ F/ N% m# U9 H  k
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
4 j) F  ^' m* O: J( e  Q8 ?9 E2 [9 UI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. / H1 p, M# q! O5 L! ~3 _
该为:throughyour hands., p8 i1 ]: e4 i" w8 x/ V/ o
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
大型搬家
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
0 r- W' ^' t6 d  o, w+ O不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
! `4 \9 e7 [4 ~% j0 Q) v! k2 H- k6 e至少比我强。
4 e$ P) A0 d$ B; I- D( O% w9 ]偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
& C6 G1 r4 j) W0 Q& H9 d
- |; _0 Q( h9 |这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。6 ~: H& @. h/ m/ L% u
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了./ E+ K6 s0 n. `) `; }4 ]
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.6 t' X' a( ]& K0 W
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:. G, z1 b* {' B; f$ t
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
% C; a+ M  ]6 N6 Q3 m3 n6 TPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
5 K' Y: K; @. }9 l1 _( G" F4 E Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
" A2 ~" H/ l" ?5 i- e5 k5 j$ KThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking., P3 c; ?0 T. k( W% c
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.& H* _! }) h2 v' z/ L, c
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
$ f3 o  s. l) xCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
( P$ t0 E; D5 y2 Q* rlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.( t6 M$ k. L3 U" }% z
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.2 O0 d; ^  Y  Q
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.6 i  |1 x+ S) x6 n
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
1 |  i, @4 n7 T+ G, C% PI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.1 K" x0 x' g: D4 @
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.! }- v! u/ @) J& w+ V
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?) q+ Y. {! ~5 ]
Intoxicated then feel cold,% T! u$ ]3 M; m7 N6 \
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
# n' I$ \$ s0 XI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.8 s# c+ A3 T3 X
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
3 X7 f& W6 D8 X1 c: M* MWhy I am always hoodwinked!% a0 `; V5 }! b4 H1 o4 ~
I have told myself many times cautiously 1 j7 w4 \) @; Q' I
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.1 C: [3 T6 [4 e% ~$ w
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.0 K" {1 A8 `; c
Why can`t I take it easy?7 y7 h4 Q8 m" X# b# u  I; O# t
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
- ^$ D) T% d3 N' LWhen the quiet night comes* N; V% o1 N1 @2 H4 T
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.; r8 Y) h) Z. u7 l% y
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.3 m$ c  f- z; m1 }8 d
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
8 b; b' C, u3 }6 A$ ilight the dark corner in my mind.4 T1 P* W& N8 y5 B2 Z
I feel a bit of cozy.
5 P3 e) ^- O8 N4 a, u$ qThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
! x7 Z& m& J5 p( I, j6 h7 \$ a3 Zmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.- `3 X7 M) [1 h9 S% o' M: O  {
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
) p, T6 K# z6 D; X2 }9 G% xbut accompanying with the time passed. Z# w- W: i$ {- P+ ]# H
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
6 N/ z' Q  [% L* J9 w% xalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.; t8 U0 y$ \2 n2 D. B6 ~6 j( Q8 T
Without asking if you like me or if I like you+ V9 S9 x, E. s, u4 R
only feel gracious for your existing,
1 Y. n  X4 n' k: M% s" g6 Jonlt want to do something for you.
9 R# |1 }( B) @' S5 c& N; {& hEvery time when you meet me5 {& A/ N" W( U3 M% L/ C$ H
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
: h+ S2 ]& \& w; kbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere5 @; F6 [( Z3 T0 p" x0 O- O0 P
That live in my heart.4 [- O% l; D3 ]; o; r; I' {+ k/ F
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
* o8 N" z; m+ X$ F# ?; N2 Q+ WEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice5 U4 i: I( l( h0 P: T
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
( t2 O: ~1 U/ P; M9 x1 OThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land1 @& J% ^7 z: i, o5 f! t
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.5 s* ^9 |) c7 Q4 ^5 y. C; \% f' b
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,7 E* p) @" T1 m
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.* o- I4 i5 M6 X1 y% W
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
6 `& S) R; W) S/ i: ?, X' gonly waiting for you quietly
7 i: h3 O; T0 }8 X! K1 djust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
5 a$ \6 \0 q0 S) M5 D1 x" ~# eI really want to ramble in the small rain with you 5 N) [6 w  I4 B, }
and enjoy the rain washing together
% c+ W9 W- _- J2 e* F1 for rush to a film1 \8 X8 Z7 E) \; w) q* A; I
or listen to a music quietly.+ F& S( |% g/ a* w- J
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
* K! K" N% E# t! aIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
3 q, S( x5 H# W$ E. F2 o7 p' r7 Wsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
* w% H0 V. u3 v8 k& m/ R  qThat is enough.8 ?, c! N& L1 E" T' u$ r4 X
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
0 Y' y5 |' N7 I4 _finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,2 R$ }2 b- [. V7 |
the same as my missing.
8 Q0 y9 U5 P, x; u' I$ F' wIt comes a little bit of verdure.
* o! L1 T1 c) F; j" ^; V* @) c# k- _If, If some day I can touch your hand,
1 P& n$ D1 E, T) F( f( cthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ ~* l9 v. F# e9 q% J" h2 WLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.6 o5 q$ |) A7 A! q' K5 e; c
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
$ D6 q# E. M& N3 J( Z, kAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,/ y4 M2 m# s( }/ e% F* T: c" Z
then I will have all care and ardor.$ m, ~# B! H6 j) L2 Y4 P7 X) g
Shall we walk arm in arm?7 n' G+ Y$ V9 U: I0 u
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.* R; C% o+ r9 E8 ~1 R
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.. b8 p0 c9 T& s0 a
I am still the same person of yesterday.1 M0 Q! y& r" p5 J) {. @
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
. F. w9 s; \7 tSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. ( @( c3 B- |( _* S
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.3 }' Z. y6 _$ q! ^
More or less,
; |. l4 d5 j$ Y/ D+ [( _1 J a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes./ F) j9 K) h) J' i: N$ z2 t

  v! {! W  x" B5 [2 ~, j: rSummer easily slips away
3 m* {: k/ m0 L) H# k' |! vThose long lost hot nights: e% |" |' {6 k0 ~" g
can only be found in the old days. ; y" f! ~# P0 s: F3 `! s0 T: V

7 r: D# v/ z0 E4 r) `Cats jumping over the window sills, 8 z2 b2 `8 W3 v
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ! ?/ B: \1 ]3 Q5 Z' L! s
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light., z! w0 d4 _, d4 E$ H
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ B% k" R( d/ Z) m5 b( m. h
I am still the same person of yesterday.2 m. u( Q; }  U9 D3 w/ _7 c6 H) I
Unchanged name, unchange ...
0 s6 d4 k% T5 ~/ P: a6 U
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
1 a3 S1 w+ @8 z1 tGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.0 ]" M9 J- k, S- X. I
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.# x$ u* U$ i* {: H# `& f
I am still the same person of yesterday.
' u9 a# X0 {$ E; MUnchanged name, unchange ...
: L( Z* h6 o1 O0 d7 K. T
i like it.
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