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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,/ x# C: T' {% D) z1 G( m4 `
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  4 a! u8 d! g4 {. f- G! H+ a# D$ O
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
( }) a* Z& E$ Z, i3 t% \7 p. l; a现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.' g# T! b! ~( k/ O4 z9 B9 u2 X
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
4 I6 |2 n2 f% j$ s9 `9 W- u( X眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.& T. f, \  O4 W% o$ s& @: J+ u
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.4 s: S4 i; ]) o. A
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
% E0 l  b6 n- e就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
9 c# V8 ?$ Q& H7 {( K我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
, m2 a+ G6 L* J那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。# m) P" k) v- I! R, S& {) M& R
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream., y6 a. {% `# W1 c
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
) _" c1 G& j" I) b5 e2 u/ N8 G" F6 o3 C想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
* w1 l! M7 Y7 T" D9 g最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 6 A7 G, f2 w0 c
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?  V$ A) L" V5 h" K( B( r3 f/ z
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
* F2 `6 \1 |& p- v4 k7 w迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.& s+ C6 k" L+ v- S9 h! o1 A, ^9 }
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.2 h" b3 T" ^. k6 J1 d* q3 {
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?9 T9 t6 y0 \  S% @: Y* G0 E
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
; S. K3 c/ o2 u. [3 w  `多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
, h' v$ i5 G; b/ p% v7 X+ q& h不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
7 G% D5 s% ?3 w6 L* V2 @) g多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 1 v; a# U, B& L3 V1 n9 z1 d# e
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?! F0 f' O1 o$ N3 b! P- F
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
6 m4 i3 S" Z- _1 y/ ]永难平息的泪0 W3 m/ J9 M: U& g3 ]
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes$ r2 Y9 G3 J, R/ u; {% Y* I
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
; d+ C8 z$ @# R, x  J- `当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.2 a5 F  C; |: Y( V2 e9 _+ v* Y. I
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,: q& m5 o# v- d
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
9 c, v' b2 q" A9 S! ~一抹微笑;% Q5 C: D# V; y
一个手势;0 U: V, Z# t& j; y
一片话语,
+ F# N  g. L( A- @$ J愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、8 e; i- W- ~7 g6 K7 H7 ]" K
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
5 ~& O4 z8 f% C, C! ^  J  H心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.1 |# R) B  M0 w! b( }0 T
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
, W: \. }1 ]3 L5 w- r也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
- \- A0 M2 p4 y) [7 ]2 O起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
+ J& o# p5 V7 c! A7 n我并不以为然。' o8 h2 T3 r. ?, {2 Y8 Q1 d
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 9 \' w  ?: B8 M, P
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
( {1 Q2 `" [+ b7 F. f: f4 Y被一种情绪所左右,
. C: ?  `- m9 m# c) \- p2 p总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .0 n; p+ X- E6 t" M2 `: m" q' X3 P
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you5 _5 e8 Q3 @+ B/ f0 A, g3 C
也不问我是否喜欢你,
9 {. L  h' S# u对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
0 ^3 U; ]3 o% ]6 u. |8 f2 Z只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
+ t5 T# {* j4 q) s# w8 m3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
  R& L) L* F  ]: n  ]# Q  Y心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil- D; Y' @: o6 N( @  X/ p: c
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 9 V  B5 T$ E7 t! E% n1 V0 W5 D5 C! w
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
) \2 g$ r' X! J5 L; z& c; H- J& f记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.# i& _4 M9 C$ Y" ~4 V2 t3 e* \
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
8 t9 i7 |, S- ?随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字3 E* g* Z) L4 X  y0 G" s; S& s
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,3 P; p1 ?/ [# G! Y% P$ J
一种声音,and your voice- q% S* ~7 A% }+ T
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.; X0 g; w/ `- T# d3 F8 @0 b
掺杂著幸福的感觉。" F. q2 e/ Y8 U2 P& E8 z' \
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land2 }9 a" h# q& }, ]' w! ~8 c% Q( [
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
4 M; O8 y, M& a/ F9 X$ T* N: t( m/ F8 a倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
0 y: J, k4 K7 C  b! d  p; J纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。! \% `, p  x2 A7 {. @) c# l
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss: G0 L. A) f+ z4 M
有一个能够让思念的人,' }( m: z. e6 X8 V
其实也是一种幸福。
. W! ]) p% E4 J  |! d+ c7 h4 P( d尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 3 l& D8 }! Y4 _% H$ l; b8 i' Y( u
柔柔的海风,) n0 i5 ], `' r: p" ^
甜甜的夏天。
( I( [, r; h7 @; y一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ; b; z" Q6 H* |* g3 M  l
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
" m( r5 @* Z7 t. V3 f! c仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.) r- Q' p+ F( ^( X) D0 c: ^
想和你有共同的情结,$ |" s% F4 g' `  p
共同的心愿。
7 M3 l' g( R& q3 ~9 S) r1 Y% J. e( D2 z+ E# f! S7 w
' A) i5 Y6 U7 T, l3 R2 o
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you. p  W# w3 s" Q
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
; {/ _- k) g0 o  e$ {或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film " |: o6 N4 k: D9 J
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
. l1 b; X4 F2 Q7 x『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
& s+ D% H2 p. L, g我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
; r( U3 q% o7 ]! k; \2 [; @& E浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”2 M" }& ^! q% K# ]. y9 Z
或是轻轻的一吻,* C. s+ u* Y5 r2 I
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』9 h' r( U) N3 |: ~  K: y) m6 ^
就足够了. That is enough.+ v! {1 J3 s, y. Q
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! + ^3 t, m' M4 ?' v' N
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
8 y2 q3 S; f3 O! u1 r萌出了芽,
7 @& T1 [  P0 F. a一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
' d) G5 a7 P  g# L浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
' O* G+ R9 V9 \% d1 d7 j5 X如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand0 A" X) z6 Y; s# @$ B8 J  |
能够牵著你的手,
7 U/ [6 L& j4 S4 @! l# z  ?- I那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
3 r) p9 h. V/ j# m  ^1 B! e" t让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 6 T4 z/ K. }2 N& j( n
慢慢地细读,+ ~" A5 ]+ K5 Z& q6 I' X, Q5 l
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
1 X4 X5 f" z# R. z在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me % E- j2 m- e4 n) h5 o9 P( k
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
% m  X7 ]) L5 {$ L9 k# l! U就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:. Z+ s, @. O! E/ D( ?
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago* D7 o6 l9 B  S0 t2 T8 u
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.' h) n; S" }; R3 Y3 h  i
change to:lacked
; o  J$ Q. k+ J& S- z9 l' Z8 n猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
* }/ j: H. {8 A+ V4 B5 }6 ~Cats often played at the whole hot night.) U8 z( H* b2 |- h- K' t7 x
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及" ]' f, L% |4 Z
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
) Q1 G& w  _+ g5 PI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. $ r" W% x5 v3 R: n' S1 z
该为:throughyour hands.
! v  _7 r8 h( A" b" B还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。1 Q, u" m2 M% A" Y! `* e: y7 s, l
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。8 P* {3 u9 k  r
至少比我强。
1 p  X! [) e+ w" Q% m1 v偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 6 J; h( C* m" z# m% K' C: Q

7 t# y4 D4 b0 a3 o这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
9 L6 A+ y( w4 n% o后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
5 P5 e# @$ p; O8 M( j谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.8 B/ x9 z" _+ |/ c
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
$ `5 P  }+ n1 KEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
4 k# V6 M! h. A2 p' ~( hPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
/ n! R- l" o& E! u Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
% K9 f$ _; D- a% X3 \The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.+ t& M' x6 y. K, `+ j) `( k; n
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.# v. r6 c  @) s* g. ^* H6 D
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
3 l7 t2 u* F8 n0 j1 cCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
  A6 t2 |. {& G- z8 _' y% q: T4 Flike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.3 {, \9 a- w& v8 E
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.6 O) z9 i8 `; ^. B
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.6 p) j, i2 R, v% Z2 z6 Z
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.9 Q$ B! j6 |' U( [9 |
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
- d* q2 o$ ?2 RI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
% \, r3 K& x( x' P+ X- w! h# Y/ ~In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
) c, |# V6 O  k* uIntoxicated then feel cold,' F/ m4 Q# J( E& o
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
  h* ?% j; a; F3 ~7 fI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
2 A+ c- ]7 ~  i7 U8 fThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?! F+ }( [3 o. L2 O3 H
Why I am always hoodwinked!2 r! {+ O/ b4 q! D
I have told myself many times cautiously 7 b! m0 X1 Q& a% X7 y0 H
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
0 @  a2 R, @/ ~2 t  |9 xThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
8 y5 Z7 u6 N* L; o- a  A: D' }Why can`t I take it easy?3 x' ^4 I* [5 _3 K" O
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!, |  D0 i* I6 U% h6 y8 |
When the quiet night comes0 B2 a4 D! E6 P
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
$ T: Z3 Y7 \2 P6 @. n3 BThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.& a, U. a% y; ?# ~, @9 j0 L9 A7 k
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
. f# ]  e0 C# xlight the dark corner in my mind.
6 }0 v" Q! a( z* HI feel a bit of cozy.
# r" n0 r9 ?" J; mThe deep attached to you in a twinkling+ \: d4 F; F+ l
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
" `7 ?4 x! o7 l% C7 _/ ~. a& V( zI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,9 h5 q9 w" j  h# P6 V* u. m
but accompanying with the time passed
! O. v2 |# O: X! ?( b$ _. y4 F; C, |I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,2 H' q# u' H$ m! ~. W5 y' ~
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly., x7 v* v% _. u, }+ F+ O! S
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
8 e4 o% O; E# jonly feel gracious for your existing,
0 v0 X, B# e! p& Nonlt want to do something for you.
! D. v; t" G  z9 s* j1 vEvery time when you meet me  E: S$ p8 _$ D( v% q
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,1 C# a" x7 v+ @; ~6 N2 F
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere+ j) v- B0 E' b
That live in my heart.0 R& l2 G  X* m  s0 w
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
$ C4 A* W9 ]; E5 M" zEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice/ F; @3 V' F) Q
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.7 {1 S$ G1 r1 E
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
) o: y0 Z2 _) `2 O3 R9 ]suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ y, S' t, W0 _Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
3 d! V' \5 H' U; F: _especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
4 |8 T7 t7 b# A3 g1 G" CSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
: w* p: o  z, l1 u, ?$ \3 Vonly waiting for you quietly
4 I: o  F' l% }$ z* ijust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
3 U+ _) {* j7 RI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
3 y' X7 `4 E# A/ q! Jand enjoy the rain washing together
' v: }, m2 [3 k# j$ }or rush to a film
3 A/ \6 `6 `) q  tor listen to a music quietly.: X  z1 W& r9 N( H+ t
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?" v- a' z0 c7 d2 `7 L( x  q0 o
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,$ F9 Y- K7 e; K5 Z. Y
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
2 [3 @2 T9 f4 I5 yThat is enough.# x  C3 K) C" |9 @
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
9 t9 M- l0 l# L/ t1 b2 Z: gfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
* |% V$ E; [) Q* l; nthe same as my missing.- z( x; H" f; |! x2 g* U& i' b
It comes a little bit of verdure.
5 [8 _+ @! |; M8 ^9 \4 `, aIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
# c  ?0 L9 Q& |+ I. h* zthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.: Y4 W: H9 y- H7 q- l9 e
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.2 i- e: t6 ]8 I* ]
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
' t7 Z7 \& r! _, w0 j$ BAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,' Z) D9 ?( K, z8 M0 N4 L- {+ T
then I will have all care and ardor.% u- \  |0 b" A
Shall we walk arm in arm?$ J: N' n& P1 L" v8 k
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; }% e# G3 ?  F; R/ W* J& XLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. N0 d( B, Y2 u# s. f7 pI am still the same person of yesterday.
4 ^0 E4 `/ `* h3 y# v. ]% S* N% ^Unchanged name, unchanged I.
8 j" p, w8 |1 B4 g6 _5 f: ]0 [0 vSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. * Q7 s  ?5 b; F
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.6 S$ x2 _& t: W& X* p" T
More or less,
) p8 e) F. [/ p4 }" K$ x a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
* T+ X% X* V: c/ {! z% K0 Y- U
% V) q0 C/ u8 L. O3 `- ]Summer easily slips away
! |4 |! ^5 r: m; G8 C- p/ P4 qThose long lost hot nights
. x4 t& Q6 B, o; h% ? can only be found in the old days.
  t+ {+ W# y/ E% x6 X0 h$ I# d7 x5 }: |: }
Cats jumping over the window sills,
! A6 p0 b4 ]& {! S: B$ C: x! @chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 0 O0 U/ C7 a8 i; h1 v! W( V# R: D
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
9 H: X2 G' g& C  m3 @Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.  N! b% y0 G; j8 S) K" X: {
I am still the same person of yesterday.
. Q- j# w; l9 ^. ^Unchanged name, unchange ...
% ~0 a0 e6 G8 a
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 0 M* |# \4 \6 E5 z" \
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
$ w/ _0 _0 I' T  k) d6 ZLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ P; V7 n9 F% ^3 n7 c6 O4 }2 S
I am still the same person of yesterday.
# e: E% [" j! J. U& z; [, g7 TUnchanged name, unchange ...
" J) r: D% Q: A, b" c+ X# m( `
i like it.
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