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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
; m3 @- k7 j: d( J; K+ i# w5 x,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
# a7 R1 G# R' \( J零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . - `% G8 k' f7 d6 m
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
( M, Q; Q" B( [0 f  ~: R4 d' s梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
+ Q7 c$ b4 u, l4 }6 F% `眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
/ }: w1 \* l: f1 b夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
4 ~4 c: g6 W0 S/ V9 ?7 q2 E猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.# o) s6 B8 G& _3 v6 B
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.% u0 i- H! @  R8 r- e
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
( B, O* N$ W. a  P1 A那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
$ L6 q, m% l" {$ T  c5 }世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.* t# f# |( j  E9 `! b$ K6 \. ]
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.6 u( K( ?& X' h5 {: U& I- E
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.7 U) y9 h0 s) W; d" ]! a. \' B
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. # z" z$ F# ]: D1 L1 N8 v* h) M8 g
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?6 M! I! b! E, X8 q, T
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.3 V/ W( v" y' z/ ^5 ^# W' J, t
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
& Q: E0 [5 E' T3 S4 K最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
* J) z' ]+ v9 g& A  Y% \多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
" P* h# j) L% V* L5 l- ^+ cWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….' O% ?9 [/ m; }) K. E& H0 B
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously; A+ |" F: G8 x( w0 o: d
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
( a4 s3 y3 x; E9 \: n多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, , F4 x  W% M; ]
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
6 p2 g$ z' W4 a2 e多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!2 ?6 X( l, n6 |; s; ]
永难平息的泪: V. f) \- a+ \' a" k
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes4 u8 F7 Z- z( n6 K8 V  ]( H: o
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
  w9 N" K& q+ @% z! J当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.- i' H6 g+ h0 e& _7 ?
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,( `. @6 G$ ~$ P: B& g& c
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
! [/ S8 _  }) @) w一抹微笑;
8 t. j# R! B9 p# j. `- A一个手势;8 M0 q; g( g2 b0 D% Y, Y( y
一片话语,' k# f/ \# m8 w$ [  f/ C
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
4 Z6 L: Z8 U5 L明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
% A! ]$ q1 H. C( B: Z% j# k" ^+ S心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.* |' P6 g3 P& |  q0 }+ L
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
3 Q6 A# ]$ q4 X4 [* M也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
3 y( T- U0 D1 ]. ^' y+ y9 k7 q起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
" l/ B6 J# R. q$ O' K我并不以为然。% \! g$ J" ?1 I  R4 C6 f
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed ' W1 j; Y3 L3 q, }* _+ Y" ]
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
9 y8 J2 M( C+ g+ Q  T& F4 X被一种情绪所左右,
$ t2 j1 J) J  y0 I# i& V0 h4 s' C3 s总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
$ i* X3 ?/ k" B+ o即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you! T" T; \8 X. N- ]" G
也不问我是否喜欢你,# ~# p, k( }5 w7 Q5 {4 t
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.+ B( a, f: D4 S' j+ Z1 u+ f( G% q% C
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
# [. k: _( t) Z6 ~7 g3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you" ^) b* P1 ^% T0 M
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
7 t2 f& u- r2 a$ f3 w  ^然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
! J9 C# J/ b* ]$ q: Y- F你的身影已化成一种氛围,
! B) i/ `' e' A% y7 a! ]记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
: p* m! Q0 Y6 t& P5 b4 @你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! * U: ], o* B, \- L9 }* B
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字6 X" r* ]$ {* Q: X
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,1 |( Z: {% R; c- C5 n! M
一种声音,and your voice( ~% x; i! H' G0 ]
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.8 g! r+ R( G- |6 j7 v* L
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
* ]$ s6 f# x4 x: J与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land5 ]- j4 l, |$ L
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
& R2 h* A4 B. j" R8 f. Z8 }2 O& l倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
  j) t, ]' t0 v, x& d纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。' `2 T+ ?& y* |; z( e
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
( k- U4 J$ E: L2 P: o有一个能够让思念的人,% S$ b* a; }6 M3 H
其实也是一种幸福。5 H. [' f) @$ ]
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. , C7 P- b; Y3 x4 g
柔柔的海风,9 j0 @/ ^) h6 h! B& [
甜甜的夏天。
6 ^, ~1 `1 h* o' P$ N: `; d& k$ \一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 8 v3 v/ l' t' B+ v
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.) d' Y' b6 P3 S& E: A
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
1 H" ~4 C7 t3 D. }5 r! N& X$ l6 E5 E想和你有共同的情结,
4 ?& x: N$ ]% b8 ]- G, v6 S, w共同的心愿。
& Z9 x( ?2 ^" P5 u6 u- _1 Q! F/ I* }0 @3 w

/ U7 W. a) `" K2 S) g好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you% O/ Q0 F, q  H. `* l
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
' _, y, k5 X4 E或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film " D. U$ T; e9 N3 d; ^4 g/ C
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
# e; Y8 I) z( c+ {" Y『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?6 z  A, M1 K/ {5 Z+ H& j# [9 {
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, * S$ W0 H* P, A; x+ U) ]
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
- o, Z4 C6 Q/ M; j2 s+ v或是轻轻的一吻,3 j6 e1 C- H8 s5 Q3 T
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
; _$ [" O1 ^1 y+ V! w" F就足够了. That is enough." s& l$ ^( C# m
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! " |( f+ M" ?' |4 t6 X3 I
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
. X( |0 p' ]% A萌出了芽,6 Y2 N1 H; `1 D/ ~6 R7 B
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing6 r0 d5 ]  Y7 d! }# H% o2 F8 g
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.# r5 Q! n$ |+ p" E* k5 p
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
; u" o6 S' H/ U! T& R- X" h. L能够牵著你的手,
& `& u1 j+ _7 A6 L5 r7 h那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
1 w9 c! j4 j7 N) I  ]! W: c4 W  f让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
9 t: T5 c6 _+ |$ H. q慢慢地细读,
+ J! r' a! b, Y+ r( U我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 1 i( {* ^/ y; R# _) i: ^' t' V& ]( {' }
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
: x/ w6 c/ w: Y我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
8 v: K* i' C3 z& M4 M就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:# i0 x/ @% Z. y  i2 y6 m) D& S& z
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago) A# X) D3 s/ b) {; `0 e
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.# p9 F6 O; G* U- n
change to:lacked( v; E! d& t8 |) t" r
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
$ O% o. `. D1 f; A) R6 l# tCats often played at the whole hot night.
8 T9 r% d+ A& Z0 r 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
- Z' _( E% `4 {% ^& n5 O4 I0 d改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.- X- S9 p; l# w, C; I# q9 G6 T
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 3 X+ }( j0 ?/ Y' U- t
该为:throughyour hands.( X" R* i0 @8 K$ q3 v, r
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
: Y. }+ q8 r+ q3 U7 D( z不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。: F% `! Q: |9 y- T% U  z! A
至少比我强。
- F% V+ F8 z" s  [/ E2 Y2 C) [* M偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
+ c# L' `5 N0 @- H- q* }/ U
' G5 `6 F$ {, ]+ S这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
9 i4 t( m* _2 g, z后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.+ y: K/ f/ P9 g! d# f
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.1 Z, f* S6 i, o8 X( _3 x
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:" d' s% [- b7 Y7 q% X/ ^
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.9 C7 K$ b$ l# V5 a  i  S
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
5 Q/ r6 V! h% H% {# ~, k Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
/ c( m1 u6 j& q  C7 ?The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
2 V& y- P9 S+ @! z* p  MSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
. v: H' f  |6 j: L& iSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:' {* W- n2 r0 ~7 O
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool , m  C7 u( t4 L- ?
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
9 _( G+ q1 o- N" X# K: {% WI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.& @1 V3 E8 Z  ?1 M6 G: i6 [$ m
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.% N" M% B( \* `+ }
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.5 A9 I3 c  f/ @- h$ m2 F+ H
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
- F; A6 w6 V5 |$ r4 t" @4 BI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
5 v  d. i- o% `% s6 g9 s* tIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?0 o7 Q, u! T1 {) c/ |5 C
Intoxicated then feel cold,1 ?$ o4 p1 h0 A$ S- l1 ~; k/ b9 n
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
+ {% K, i. s: f$ B, W# vI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.$ I) i- M% q3 C% D
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
: f! Q6 {9 i, e- v, p2 ?Why I am always hoodwinked!
7 @- @9 k9 X( r, S: f, c) n0 zI have told myself many times cautiously
% z5 D2 R+ }8 t& x! rdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.3 ~6 ]  O1 \; `+ Z) E
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.+ |: z( O1 V& E4 o5 m) v: r5 F
Why can`t I take it easy?2 O: f$ r% @( ~1 e: w
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
$ W# u+ }% ~8 K. u4 I7 g4 m% }  @. nWhen the quiet night comes; c% A5 F' M! v! N1 T! l2 q- I+ t
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
5 {6 Z, }7 j3 Z1 ]+ h/ C  ZThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
% y/ Z# q  l" v% ]) x& S/ f8 f  I# DYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,, q. R3 O! I3 r
light the dark corner in my mind.  Z8 I$ z& P! j) q
I feel a bit of cozy., l' T3 z7 n6 W) `7 q% B8 v1 E
The deep attached to you in a twinkling# ~: B  k; [4 I) q8 o
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
7 {8 X" X) B0 J9 j2 w2 J* ~% JI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,, \# ^( g7 U8 T: ]
but accompanying with the time passed" K) ?% c2 o; Z5 x
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
# L) V4 f2 p' }9 [& [# |: H) Z5 Salways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.) Z0 {* w- e8 F7 p3 A' c3 y2 Q  o
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
2 r( k, u8 [* k/ Aonly feel gracious for your existing,+ {: ~8 T. G6 F! t9 N* J' S
onlt want to do something for you.7 ?. g. e" z% L/ T8 U5 d# [. h6 Z
Every time when you meet me5 I9 t" J8 `2 x  j. L
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
* w: e2 Z6 n( q' M: ?. N/ ?but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
3 t) Y( F8 `* h( I9 m/ zThat live in my heart.& Z0 W: n- E" y' l9 J; B
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?" E* \, @  O% _; E2 K' r
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
/ K6 ~) i; p' \9 F/ ]5 T1 E: b7 dmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
0 r' q9 I1 N, F# p+ nThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
, z4 g' ?  v" z" o- k7 Isuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.6 x) Z/ R) z4 Q& V% `$ f
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,9 u9 w" d9 y8 V
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
  @1 Z" k, Q( y  wSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
( V4 @( w) H$ a, F& wonly waiting for you quietly" R  h7 C( @( A9 g% c
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.1 n; t1 h; o8 s1 |
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you 9 B, m4 \0 U0 f7 v& t
and enjoy the rain washing together7 }% }" r& \8 O7 w3 q6 B
or rush to a film  D% _0 H! ?$ T: M8 i5 f
or listen to a music quietly.& q# `1 c/ {7 C6 u5 I6 u
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?  ?8 ?  \6 F( M; i2 u
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,& O0 g8 V& V2 j# Y
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".2 {3 _8 h+ K8 x! w- s0 U6 @
That is enough.
( M/ u1 I* Q  R3 IMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,& \4 s. ?$ k0 ^, v+ v+ X+ @
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
% M% [, g& _$ Q0 Y9 U, g! ethe same as my missing.4 |; U5 K# P9 A: X
It comes a little bit of verdure.
+ K" S9 m& v2 \  U0 P4 c6 U* mIf, If some day I can touch your hand, " N* X8 I1 _* T
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.1 r+ c) I* Z3 R; r% K2 g
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.1 N4 H  x2 S6 z8 M) @6 [, j. f
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
* H0 N, ]7 i  H- GAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
( R$ A3 n( K3 N. i* R. b9 r2 {then I will have all care and ardor.
! N! {2 p, X  s2 \: @0 d; J# AShall we walk arm in arm?
! U( ~. E1 t  E: O8 e7 d呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
- i! b4 x# T! vLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- o+ c: y1 D% m7 m) \I am still the same person of yesterday.
% X6 o) ^1 e9 p! B/ |' p' hUnchanged name, unchanged I.
2 r. U  F- D. WSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. . G  u; Y! @9 U0 `, U
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.) Y1 |: ]+ H" U( h# A& {8 |
More or less,: _5 `9 r% `. `& j! W
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
! b% e6 V: z- d- `& o2 ?
5 w8 ?% m3 `, b4 t" e7 lSummer easily slips away
3 O3 _; d# @" l- ^Those long lost hot nights
3 l% D# m% |3 y* h- Q- P) A can only be found in the old days. % k* F/ k9 G; D' J
( M' v% [  `( d, J
Cats jumping over the window sills,
: C& M6 N$ s* cchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 : h5 I  Z5 I  a2 }
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.; o+ ]5 O) O: q( M
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.* N$ d; O* @5 L  v
I am still the same person of yesterday.5 l, |) }& ?: @0 t8 A. s
Unchanged name, unchange ...

, X1 x. y9 t7 _" B0 h* v
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
) ?8 h8 g4 ?3 ~' @+ aGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.8 U- |/ O1 k; r+ d3 D0 R
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
# Z+ e% f5 Q% b+ r9 @0 n$ \* SI am still the same person of yesterday.
" d2 O' V+ z+ u. r# aUnchanged name, unchange ...
9 x' m" b$ U+ |  n# p' `( H
i like it.
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