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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,' p3 E( I& Y( P1 r
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
$ F# \1 J' W' b4 e8 w! p零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . ' Q1 c; G4 o2 g. U* ?) V
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.* m+ p+ C. i0 W; e8 m1 i! B& h
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
8 |! R; W# ]4 {  d# f) w$ i$ j眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
+ Z0 W1 r' H% `# L; S1 G夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
( a" Y9 b9 O8 P8 i) H$ l- }猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
1 c7 |. J+ [% f; H, M9 e3 K" }就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.. G; \( R; y- O% O
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 B6 [9 [! V) m/ u那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
5 _5 M4 Q  [, [7 B, A( V3 E世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.1 Q+ m$ j1 T+ y5 v5 k
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night./ u2 Z: }; Y% C
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.: U( ~8 W) A7 h4 d$ U3 v7 ]
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 2 ]  Y/ O' g' p, x0 a" C. }
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
( J8 B1 N( z  c' P4 s醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.1 ?5 z) i  s& d* R+ Y. q, T  C
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.0 a2 {+ C5 @. G1 h; W" C) q
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.  u0 [3 ?7 T. F9 j% K1 K+ r
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
; p! w1 s+ }, `5 k  q/ q9 _Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
2 \; f  A- W" a8 n0 G多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously  T) m: G, y# M% |2 _2 e
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.; a: i# W7 N  X' D
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
, }1 H8 I) A2 l4 p/ R为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
( @. b% w! ?% Q) U# T0 b  M/ B' d: S. l多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
% Z7 T2 [& k' |永难平息的泪8 L$ _1 ]: g4 M' k" o
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
; _0 v" p' W+ @7 B~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
: f# U1 _9 {9 K! ?当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
8 Q6 |3 I- a+ x* |( z, k1 I让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
) g. V2 T( k/ |5 p) t8 L你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
' P, P$ W( H9 s% Y一抹微笑;! @3 E" g- L, \
一个手势;
* b( Q) B+ M* {! a3 D) r一片话语,
+ U. b3 I7 j6 ~, H8 y; T3 }愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、# x% ]; }' o) |7 G* b
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner# Q# [% a  s2 u# h
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy." n% ]( M% E; Y2 F8 ^2 f# o
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
- X2 j  B2 x& W  o# M) i也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..0 \- t% v9 L) O, ~* A) N, e
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
6 `/ R2 O1 k6 N5 J2 E我并不以为然。
$ i+ F+ g. i  M2 g可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
( z* x; `5 C/ O慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
" q' Q! j9 W! T) W被一种情绪所左右,
; ~5 K9 p9 f4 x& r7 r; h2 V- Z总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
3 e: r5 n9 P% c/ H, a即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you/ J' `( V; h6 ]1 P1 x8 n
也不问我是否喜欢你,
3 ?# ^7 }2 f2 ?% J对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
/ D1 b8 g' o4 H  I9 q4 x只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you0 U" F4 l& H- P% X/ ~' N
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
( n) R; C  |! x* Z" A心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil: u% i, W4 s/ m- W6 {
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% _7 G9 X: w& Z; N" _- G$ N, U你的身影已化成一种氛围,
; E: l9 R3 E* w& k. i  ]记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
% J9 V, w8 b+ y) e( t& {, ]你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
5 W+ D5 ~% K! e4 V8 D" P! F8 K随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字$ \: S8 ]1 F7 l( m5 b+ u! `
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
3 q; \0 l8 O0 j* P一种声音,and your voice+ u' `' n- p5 l& }
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
+ ^* J# W& M9 l  ~% J: Q& L" h掺杂著幸福的感觉。
2 E& m, r& Q' N/ ]4 D与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
7 O  b" h& {2 T9 j  t& M象雪花般撒落在我的心田,) I, f8 j3 C! v) n9 P0 o) I
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
- ]8 j' N2 e4 O) j0 x! x纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
- n! o' W. a% @' }2 i你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
2 y+ J, S* ?: \& C- A1 \4 C0 H2 n/ G有一个能够让思念的人,
$ r" y3 k/ x3 x其实也是一种幸福。4 M( v5 E9 N7 G) q* h; R1 p1 U
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ; r9 S+ X. R% E! [" z/ ?% N
柔柔的海风,
% ?- a$ P# R' B3 J3 }甜甜的夏天。
9 G( b  X3 q* Z9 g4 s3 V一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
# f% y# u, e! s. V! P5 Y只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
5 f3 D8 @5 i! |: n7 f. B仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.6 g( S) s" y' U" k, t! a4 ?/ l" o
想和你有共同的情结,. w- |3 O3 k5 ]. _& Y$ d
共同的心愿。
/ a- ^$ R+ f5 q' t9 I1 N( T2 F7 u, W* ?( i5 H& z7 V& R

$ |' s; H$ p! k0 a好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
9 X" r. F: D- _  c5 `* @9 x2 p; u一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together$ W2 @2 z( J5 f9 v
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 5 k8 X# ^: B) u6 A2 N9 s) t0 r
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.# Y" _  M, ]& a' f7 s: ]+ T& Z
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
- }1 [9 a+ k0 u3 V0 j0 X我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, / `9 W) _2 m0 f& v( B
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”1 p; s! @0 A2 t" ]# Y# J9 Y
或是轻轻的一吻,( X; x1 u6 P  D0 _/ M
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』! S$ b% n6 x$ W
就足够了. That is enough.
' C( V, A* H0 i, s这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
9 E) ]$ }8 @' I: ^2 W# |% t6 }终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.4 H1 b& r/ J% {: z. g: `
萌出了芽,
8 d6 g$ f# u8 [: T一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
  \, M+ X7 B0 f% C+ V: v- K浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.1 s4 I7 {* P2 p5 J9 x; L
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
' ?: o4 c2 v/ m6 c能够牵著你的手,
. \$ j' h$ G" h' ~4 {" Q那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
6 R2 u# M5 Q# f2 h! D让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. + w& z" J  J  E2 G5 u" b* M' \4 |8 a
慢慢地细读,- C8 y. r& |0 c: y  i( C# i1 C1 f
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
7 L+ L2 C; {8 t# L" [在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
( f: D+ e& h" X: a. N我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 1 X+ X9 d/ H6 J
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
. R0 }0 p+ o; `2 ^现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
$ R, r. s, e! J眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
2 h4 b* f4 r2 V# D% Z  N* u/ gchange to:lacked! p( Y" G% n% a# Q# U
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.- n9 H5 Y8 k  F+ g
Cats often played at the whole hot night.0 l; r" D* {1 h. R0 M
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及6 v, n6 O# {! C& [( R
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer., Q9 D7 W; k8 U) O- K& c: i+ P! r5 k
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. * b. _9 l1 v7 }3 c* ~3 Y
该为:throughyour hands.
6 l, [) i+ \  O7 D7 R$ g还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
& N) I* y3 Y$ V5 y+ |2 S) ~+ ~不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。6 o# [% @' N3 O) L9 O6 d
至少比我强。( J5 @1 |/ c/ U8 M3 v
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
# p. I* v1 I# v7 j2 @) D! A4 p
7 z. O/ |, c9 n8 M5 y这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
, \3 l- ]% x$ }) A( z9 k后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.$ K/ }4 s1 Z, o( R1 n& H; g
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
( g# v! @% f" H. D% s3 x' M0 A/ A前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
6 e: }  T. ]; g" V7 ]Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.$ ~; x) G7 ]1 ^) x8 ]; [
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
7 T: g, Z/ I9 z. {: v/ `7 n: ^ Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
% q  S: ]9 C/ pThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
, M3 N' P& K* K7 h/ `& gSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.9 ?% z" d" J8 u8 H0 i
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:8 I" O* e" a9 Z) M2 t
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
  A: l, |* G6 M6 _like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.. F6 A2 ?- q8 j" r) e, x
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.  e" ]: o' T/ G9 o+ p% O  L
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
) ]1 h, l. i% B- J- n+ S3 EThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.1 d2 s7 F1 ^% J+ }# X
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.) t  J, M( I/ E2 t. e# _" x
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
7 R4 v- p9 o7 _' E2 \7 p; d1 u. KIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
3 f6 W/ k4 W* w3 O5 T" \- z5 @Intoxicated then feel cold,
+ X! z/ ~, D! D+ W# y% W8 ethe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
" C# \2 L( x/ LI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.. K9 N0 p# O5 _2 Z& M3 D- Z0 c
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?" E2 o. {7 `6 J$ P4 W
Why I am always hoodwinked!
3 z& c' `! ]$ Z) x, e& I- ]I have told myself many times cautiously
8 F, g1 B/ h% h$ x$ Ydon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
+ X; M- F& q/ u7 u! iThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.3 v2 f. u5 ~' M3 k# Y
Why can`t I take it easy?
7 v) ~" m, N; f* EHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
" R( {$ ^& q* Y1 y$ Q6 HWhen the quiet night comes! g+ c% o7 V% J7 t$ X5 g0 D' ?
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
* T$ E3 j# t+ Q% _4 mThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
9 R5 ~3 @: G+ t3 {Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,3 `) I, i& Z3 O$ A- k7 k9 p
light the dark corner in my mind.% T$ o2 m4 I+ w# K, C  h
I feel a bit of cozy.% t3 e* C) `1 L
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
. _1 m1 b; c- d6 kmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
! M$ p# L( B' t/ _- @* jI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,9 ]  |0 T, _5 Q& ]6 @+ x+ m
but accompanying with the time passed9 V" R# j- y, y, X  U
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,  I7 G: A/ `7 {* B& {
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.1 x: y( m& C- ^( O0 h
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
8 n1 z+ W8 F5 o) u& F- d9 {only feel gracious for your existing,
, ?8 r4 W4 Q; B  qonlt want to do something for you.
" h( N) l& L) IEvery time when you meet me5 d) X4 P* v: W; B; M/ S
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,, n* D  u' ^2 g  x; o! H1 I
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere3 |5 w* L; m0 J& A! {7 q& Y
That live in my heart.3 ~& c7 }8 o9 E3 _
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
# K* c+ u6 N. a. qEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
4 ^+ t4 }: d. P+ y# pmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
: b4 E0 }- p0 U% n& e5 T, `The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land; ^0 R. I' w2 D/ \/ G: M6 t
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you., H9 L  e" k$ v0 N) M9 \+ i3 f4 U9 S
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,* P" [. t# v1 ~9 b. d  o: Z8 c
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
$ u2 b4 I8 [' q+ e  |1 hSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ! d: P7 h. D4 _" b; }* v
only waiting for you quietly
9 h6 V; i3 K. y6 wjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.- t1 q, D3 S" P9 z+ W$ M8 D0 W
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you : ^: d: H; F8 j6 p0 S$ {* {: @  _
and enjoy the rain washing together3 T4 o0 N% e, Y2 T
or rush to a film+ p' q- @, y3 G7 ]
or listen to a music quietly.' j; q, P& T8 y
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
/ p2 J4 l6 z# VIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other," O, X# f% A5 _# X# i6 [0 I1 z( T
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".4 U+ c6 o0 N$ M2 y# X
That is enough.
# P+ a# H' K0 y+ O! a3 Q! rMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago," G+ J- H4 C" [. y$ R
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
8 d2 P* @7 Y- |+ n) Y2 q6 hthe same as my missing.* z0 e; u+ I4 T* L# X
It comes a little bit of verdure.. E  n  s6 k; \$ ], y
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
  l. E& Q+ H+ e) z2 K, V2 n  Bthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
+ K* Q8 b1 u1 s3 b8 X$ T2 I8 x( NLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
. c  l  w& t4 c/ R# y, ^" [6 Z( |I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
# o, _: f" A2 i( v( S: z% O9 vAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,% [. l" `# R% ]2 I4 X
then I will have all care and ardor.
5 @% h) z$ S' F, A4 E. rShall we walk arm in arm?" {: P, W5 i- L6 C
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
. r) e4 ?5 A/ c' {5 A; `, b  _Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
6 x; b$ U" W: Z2 oI am still the same person of yesterday.1 m! z& h; F+ N* ^1 X5 U: e
Unchanged name, unchanged I.2 C  p  l9 |6 X
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
# F7 ?/ P7 a* D% m% O. Z" R* gLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.0 `! a5 ~# @  z
More or less,
9 F  h* P& H# n* s! U$ c a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.! L0 G2 s' t9 z$ @& w7 x6 h

4 |2 d0 D" P) I: R9 KSummer easily slips away# r' x& \5 j. C8 q) n# b/ |  H
Those long lost hot nights( c8 B1 A8 w6 }6 u- C9 o
can only be found in the old days.
* W; o% B( l% o; K1 ^5 n
' {% z* U8 u4 u5 R% Q  DCats jumping over the window sills, ' Q; b! R9 Y. t7 |. N/ z, q2 K! ]) a
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
5 [7 H2 |. D4 |) N; XGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.# n0 r; P' b, s# H' Z4 [* `
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around." z4 U! ?& D9 T4 o/ q/ F+ v, z
I am still the same person of yesterday.
0 g. P" n9 |* y4 `+ XUnchanged name, unchange ...
1 g# M7 t/ ^( n4 g' G
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 % Z* [3 C* G( E3 o+ f) d  |' j- {0 U
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
2 |: v6 e$ _* {$ pLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
1 c: t$ m$ a# i! Z& gI am still the same person of yesterday.
1 Q. w% l  b' @# C3 j5 q! nUnchanged name, unchange ...

3 F- L6 n1 g* z7 s/ K% N5 S; Pi like it.
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