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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
! P- Q. M5 ]- p: s/ x,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
! w  m9 Z( N- w6 |- o" ]零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
% j1 @1 C6 @  q# T+ W现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
' ]: r, ~7 \6 l1 N" j梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.$ |; d; U& l8 a
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.3 f1 h. f, x0 r% x# v& h5 l- C9 N
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
9 D# ]$ C" `3 y; T' h5 |7 h5 z# k猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
# d# c: q1 G+ [  N就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.) X, z) L$ k. k
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 `( a5 ?2 T$ K那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。1 ~6 n" |, d9 u4 c
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
! m" ^3 I( F" p: Z昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
# Q+ L1 [9 q/ W; x想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
# k8 v" }/ \2 @2 i9 v5 Y' O最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
8 e  e2 {) U# I8 d9 v+ ^( b& g& `0 u寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
+ G8 f" O. ?4 K' Y  e醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
" B2 e# q% A6 F迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.1 ~* j0 Z3 V4 g* S( o) T
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
8 ^) U) d7 k3 `7 E+ k+ g+ ~7 W) U多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
4 D/ a2 B! B3 g7 S7 AWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
7 T3 g% G  G9 m3 o2 A$ ^多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
% C3 X- W$ r, _不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
; y: D: Z" M5 w8 k3 v; g8 q3 {多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
- M& y8 S7 t5 D' t% C/ v+ O. x为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?7 X' c8 @3 Y: Q/ |& \5 W
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
# ~& m; @+ y  m: d永难平息的泪
. b4 b$ y) Y/ U' m每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
' ]) f. V* Y0 }0 M" u+ s~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
' a4 n, Q& Q1 q. _9 m6 w, Z当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
% H0 Y2 Q7 M. ~4 r让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,; K! `3 B& K& g/ a3 s; [
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 7 _9 M- j6 w' c: J! S
一抹微笑;
9 g3 x' O- X# ]  ^一个手势;
5 w+ [8 E& v8 i% R一片话语,2 w  {9 R4 i1 ^9 `$ F; r- Y
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、( q+ k$ H% C& D7 J8 \
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner0 `! A2 t- W+ J6 o2 p  ]0 F- `. F+ u
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.4 N. b7 A& O9 F6 S# H
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
5 Y- \! p2 M, i9 k+ y7 P! P也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
3 j$ A4 O/ l# J* j" i7 R$ w起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,4 V1 I% j; w) @3 U; x1 ^
我并不以为然。# `, e! O0 z8 z
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 3 _9 u( m$ ?6 [; @- t1 i
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
+ Z* J' B7 a+ l: u9 k被一种情绪所左右,
' g8 f- k- A5 i总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .3 ~" o8 o- C9 m
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you+ n! T3 s; y8 T
也不问我是否喜欢你,
% F3 u- z3 M3 x6 x$ U对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing." v# z5 X, ]1 R
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
1 S" b9 ^% u! O& {. J8 L- a0 }0 E# P( f3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
. P, k) J0 _9 _) U% z; E" x- Q心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil* ]6 [/ n  H, n3 a$ C
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
0 h$ S: ^2 K* `2 ^0 ]  f你的身影已化成一种氛围,0 m& {2 o+ w, C) {1 ^- a5 v
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
7 ^. G; t; y- ~3 _你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
9 j' J7 F& w( k- T随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字) P9 o0 v0 i* v  q" B) D4 ]* E
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,4 i) D3 G- `+ W6 _
一种声音,and your voice  q- \: l/ R/ B8 `+ H
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.0 u' F3 j$ v! E; h3 u9 M
掺杂著幸福的感觉。& e; U9 J6 n) m% p! U: d- n
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
; T: Z$ K* q3 E, W/ q象雪花般撒落在我的心田,1 ?1 r+ V$ P& Z) M% G
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.6 A1 X5 e2 l+ g* g
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
' C8 _1 Z0 \: u& w; i9 W& w; F你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss, r5 y4 w6 t, _, O# F: ?5 n
有一个能够让思念的人,/ E7 D& l6 q8 t0 x/ ^" }
其实也是一种幸福。2 s! D) D4 s: ?& J
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. " M- z9 F# t: O' e4 }
柔柔的海风,+ X! ?0 a5 N/ D+ F7 q
甜甜的夏天。/ D8 a# J$ p4 \* R! I8 F3 b7 T
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 0 J, t1 O+ q& S
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
3 q; N& p. K* `" o  b仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.8 s8 D$ X9 i, V& ]; G
想和你有共同的情结,. a9 q! m3 P: A8 |* G" p6 U
共同的心愿。
$ |0 T6 K0 i. ?& U/ Q0 i/ ^
) m8 `0 C9 D, N
) \5 Y4 X. ^. W0 w1 u4 k* ?好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
/ ]/ i/ E( L0 F% M, f一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
2 U! D- l! m# r9 K* y; v$ F! Q或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 1 E5 y9 _# l) o, O
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.# x# b9 J9 H( d, m
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
4 F$ W1 d7 V; P' Y$ ?1 M" ]. r我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
# m6 m4 x  e7 C$ w; o浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”3 t/ {' q* z' w  K2 `6 @  B
或是轻轻的一吻,
+ F$ T7 d3 g7 E7 n再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
( z* w9 @% ]& [4 z1 [+ u1 y" G就足够了. That is enough.
+ c7 ?3 \% }, y% q7 v2 x0 d2 I这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
0 e2 w( k+ |. M. g% A; [终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.! y/ K7 X  M, |) w& f" {  F5 \+ U; Z4 Y3 y
萌出了芽,. M1 q- W2 \, ^% I) G' l
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing! q2 j' }# D5 E+ k) Z# k6 _, V
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
- a8 o# O: H. V4 W# m如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand/ |: U' j5 I$ a% ~; h
能够牵著你的手,
/ `$ i4 W6 o3 y4 z- K那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
! ?$ ^, r( _! T! T1 H让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
5 h8 |' F# K+ G! b慢慢地细读,
2 s+ x, D& J' w4 |% y( ?8 b我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
2 D( x* o6 S' @& t9 L. |$ y+ u7 a在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
; @/ A1 x# Y$ n, J- X4 J我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 1 W6 ^) p1 d% N/ d% ~
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
0 n4 `2 t' |% I- t1 B' E" `现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
3 y  ]/ K: @0 f  k  b9 C' O1 O眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
: }5 G+ M. M( j% I2 E1 E/ v3 r% G  Nchange to:lacked
7 d* i, t% @8 ~' [# a% l( }' D猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
6 X$ m" c: l* j3 Q: zCats often played at the whole hot night.
0 g5 X1 f: o7 d" f; x8 Q: J' ^ 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
1 C. o* l6 ~9 p/ c9 l7 k( P改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.$ F* O$ Q  I4 i3 N8 G" _
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
5 J4 Y, U$ Q: K/ b' t该为:throughyour hands.6 U) l1 q1 C4 t  l
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
& ?3 X- _7 d) ]( J不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。( w! q1 X+ b9 @4 v7 _
至少比我强。! C$ A+ E1 j4 `8 w: U1 c
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
& m  A! A8 E  ^9 J: s9 d% N5 b" ]- Y+ u
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
. j6 F1 y$ |0 U. t9 R后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.- {1 n1 a4 l4 U) `3 E9 p
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.: U: U3 U( ~/ z( U- S1 k  ^4 z
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
  \- ?1 J9 b; M4 xEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.% C/ U6 y6 H. X9 F$ H; _( O6 V1 ^
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running., Y3 t0 c. ?; ?1 D6 n
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
1 v* n8 m# L- |5 OThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.0 \1 X. b! f4 n9 P3 Y
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.9 O% }! ]& a4 T" ^
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:9 W) m! n1 K7 K1 v
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
; v4 h7 w) g; A9 e; Zlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
1 L" D. E1 t9 g  h' i4 r/ WI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
8 G! V* d. m: c( ^7 YThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
3 Y3 }5 f. z/ Z, M( Q' t+ yThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
- O3 x# R' @" V: Y& n% YI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
! U4 d$ I4 J$ T  X' w. d8 zI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
" h4 D7 b7 k' _In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?, k$ l  f: m/ d& O
Intoxicated then feel cold,+ t6 n+ u) V$ E2 \$ c$ l7 S
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.' f, Q9 g) C0 `2 X' W& a3 n5 f" v
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.8 }% {9 A7 [- ?/ m" D; P
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?/ v* d( @' b4 W$ G" E: F8 K
Why I am always hoodwinked!
% Z3 g+ w7 e" \0 u$ s% q% a6 OI have told myself many times cautiously
' A  |  s% D' Q6 o2 n7 e3 Sdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
3 Q8 z5 ?# J. Y" U/ b5 l) @The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.) e3 m& D5 @8 D4 b& O- `7 T5 g/ u
Why can`t I take it easy?5 t$ ]% r! N, K
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!; l  [: X5 x6 i
When the quiet night comes
) G4 p% G, I1 @& kyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
% o1 y8 r! @% D$ [9 NThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
( N  i1 B9 H7 S2 CYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul," {/ s( X. d# |% y
light the dark corner in my mind.
  Y: `6 P: P! R4 P7 a' m4 vI feel a bit of cozy.- M# L/ o0 @  }) d
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
# Z7 D% O' S5 N5 M* ]3 W2 u: cmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
, l7 y- o. a; M$ n& v* D+ X  aI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
# ~- F% q9 u2 [8 {( Ybut accompanying with the time passed
3 @$ e8 d& C3 |- `9 H7 YI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,; ^$ J3 i" D: J" {7 ]2 b. {
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
+ f, {: o- h  w* Y/ RWithout asking if you like me or if I like you: L( H% `9 J" {/ e  F3 q
only feel gracious for your existing,
3 v: b. I) v1 u) ~) s0 B9 wonlt want to do something for you.$ \* b# ~5 V) Z* k3 M: N/ m1 ]5 [7 L- g9 ]
Every time when you meet me
6 J7 J, k* c4 pthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,7 n; w. _% P" H! c) Z- I1 p$ M
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere7 X; o' |7 m" s) X7 T8 q; I
That live in my heart.
7 |& A2 ^6 S+ [$ lDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?7 |) v; h" {2 n, u/ V# i
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice" Y+ X" M. K+ J  E+ Y! t! g
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
2 W5 H! g" X6 r8 d  {, w2 B& m! Y. bThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
( L8 G: Z& ?9 ]' ^! ?! |2 l' h$ a7 psuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
: ]; b0 J+ [" O) E) }$ RDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,$ U* X9 }0 \2 D0 X
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.. w) P5 r7 n, a& Q4 @5 i
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
, v$ P% F- G1 [4 \, V( Q' N) Zonly waiting for you quietly  k0 H" \! W3 G& [" ~1 F8 }
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
. M  k, j. \! @6 wI really want to ramble in the small rain with you 7 p1 c( {( K- Q4 ?
and enjoy the rain washing together2 n+ d+ m% V: R1 z% b* x6 y+ t
or rush to a film, x7 D1 B/ H9 D5 U% t( D
or listen to a music quietly.
! X* @6 T8 D( H, B! I( n# ~Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
1 W+ O: C3 E9 ?5 Z! MIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
" H8 g. g( D8 G4 ^* ssmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
( d; N& ?$ N' ^4 a2 ]) d" \* sThat is enough.) f9 u. G. f6 }7 q. e
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
/ S0 w" H. X" {" ]( z6 l8 hfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
/ r7 J' C% N, P7 t$ F: ^5 Mthe same as my missing.# w: D6 j" w/ D
It comes a little bit of verdure.4 ], r: }/ x: a- y- g" h! C
If, If some day I can touch your hand,   G& D1 i# y$ r3 e& w
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.: F2 n7 |4 H" E( y& s8 f, Y. b
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully." J8 ~2 }% {5 f2 N
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
: B: D' \4 a! f2 |) B) |. M  S" sAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,/ G$ P" P% l  c5 k* o
then I will have all care and ardor.  X! {) A( z2 U4 `- ?" u, p
Shall we walk arm in arm?
7 P5 Z4 l' r; Y& R* z呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
5 f6 V& J" B4 DLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
. s. _4 O! v$ m+ ^' n6 ^I am still the same person of yesterday.
/ R7 A( M) [; e7 G: v6 @& P) [Unchanged name, unchanged I.
" A  B. s) Y, ISame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
& ^5 x1 u+ c9 E! pLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.! K0 o) x5 e+ E
More or less,9 G- Z  ?  c2 M6 B+ q% S/ m( n: x
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.' U+ M$ E/ W; o
0 M' r0 Z0 D, ^( z  l4 [$ i' H: B) U
Summer easily slips away( |- S& J7 Z& \& O* q
Those long lost hot nights; d" H' |) ^; L/ A) Y) b
can only be found in the old days. " l% V: S; n, i) y1 L) u; ?

* Y5 ~; J) c' Z& P/ d) FCats jumping over the window sills, ' R, C6 f" a- P/ O( b' P
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 $ l& k; }4 r# s. {* K
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.% p, A- a+ q$ l) ~
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.* P" E, n. q: e3 j% |
I am still the same person of yesterday.. y1 }; [/ o: }* {
Unchanged name, unchange ...
4 D. F; i8 P$ ^; m& }
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
$ a+ P2 V. E2 N0 g, ~Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.- G) l$ a9 [# a! W/ }# m
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
% ]( `& j  R& EI am still the same person of yesterday.; j* f, A$ b4 G) T, v2 y8 n
Unchanged name, unchange ...
9 _( T/ S, J$ N1 _$ [
i like it.
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