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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
: J  o" Q( s* E5 _,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  4 w% f' f' B$ L6 w
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . - w) D2 A$ i! Z1 T/ r! y3 t0 |
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name., m2 |6 k$ C5 p% U
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
0 c# |5 G; }7 s1 l3 a! T眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
5 F( O" \7 F* |$ y' ~夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.; M. _( z6 Q0 |. h
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.7 H0 {# F0 F" s! C& I
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.( m% N/ S- x! g8 s2 Q$ r
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
& r2 P3 A  z5 l* E' m! |/ `1 P那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
2 |  S$ O- P. S/ b, o世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.% u" [1 u1 D5 m) K# M) D/ q+ z3 [
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
# I% l( L9 g6 ]3 O& V- L想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
7 \. v1 v5 x1 w- `! |. ~2 j最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 2 s9 o3 \; x; L2 h7 I3 ^& ?
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
6 g& e+ I2 m. j醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
# U& ^4 ~' ^7 v! m8 W5 a迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.3 r3 A% g; r7 O
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
* b8 l- p2 A" u( ?多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?2 R0 f" T! Q9 w$ P6 w% T! {
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….: |, _+ g7 g! A6 [. t
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
9 R, q+ x$ Q# `! B5 y( b/ D不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.8 _/ ^- C  Z* @: ~
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
* u5 P: j! b: {" J! Y! ~9 X为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?5 r% `- \4 j4 n% w! [$ H
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
7 F0 }6 ~8 T+ p3 H4 L' c永难平息的泪6 j, P. N# V( t( @1 f( {) C0 d' G
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
, x: x" a& J1 I, z~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
9 N2 R7 d7 p9 @" F( u: z当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
7 q- d7 ^5 R) f+ F6 P  v$ `让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
, S7 J; ]. D  ~/ T1 g$ ^/ i" h7 ]$ L你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul , T& p# ]$ T$ S( M. R9 \1 c) F
一抹微笑;
7 M: m  C6 i3 x; G( ]一个手势;4 Y1 p# x" P& e+ E
一片话语,: u0 j$ p! Q: L4 T& @
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
; S: Z2 ?% O4 C2 c3 Y" a1 `明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner8 [( Q6 s3 B$ D: T
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.  ^' X! S! ?9 R2 W
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling$ h- _  w0 j$ u
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
' [7 O, v+ Z) @起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
% S$ \2 @' `  J# ~5 @8 v# g, K我并不以为然。# c% x9 c0 S- A2 L- z
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed ( j* c( Q) l! D6 W
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .) s  a8 p0 [/ S" |+ }( I; u6 E
被一种情绪所左右,$ C( f, O/ y) [7 N( m, Q
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
4 J$ l; K5 M/ a2 h3 L: C5 z即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
$ B8 H% Y7 p% @4 C6 o: l& D也不问我是否喜欢你,
# o6 z+ G% J3 W8 V1 |; C% y对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.0 [' ]. t" |- m$ c% t
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
9 f6 Y1 x0 Q0 R3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
& t9 Z2 {! R. l6 P2 v/ x心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil  h# q' h5 j' l% C2 n
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
+ E3 l  m1 l" Q你的身影已化成一种氛围,5 Y- T5 s2 f# Y0 x/ ~0 o
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.6 M: b, B+ q7 [9 W: @( d. S7 T
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! # ~7 s! l  O/ ?5 L8 u+ i- x
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字8 I# l, w! G9 r; {) V& O
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,/ w9 J  o* N7 k8 U1 M1 Q
一种声音,and your voice
. E/ e# W9 k% F$ U4 Q4 T/ @. l也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
; D- r1 @, l" s掺杂著幸福的感觉。+ C( A1 O: f( T
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land" R! v9 C/ y! Z
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
( }: q- l0 g1 ^! d1 {/ q; }倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
, {! f6 R9 r5 N8 `4 \纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。, Z' H+ K, \  }' y/ ]
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
9 d/ C* P- f- f3 T, D! R有一个能够让思念的人,! e  M6 X, p" I1 x3 U7 o
其实也是一种幸福。
; a  M( a; }5 ~% b尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
* _" Z2 n4 V3 `( d柔柔的海风,
; B8 M! L. x4 ~3 n- \6 y  H甜甜的夏天。9 E- y+ r9 n7 [+ u' K+ w, R/ M
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
, g! d3 M$ n/ v2 [9 }6 L( d只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
$ f' x+ Q1 |# i( I* I仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.! N# z1 z) o' T% [
想和你有共同的情结,1 b# y, O. G+ G* L
共同的心愿。9 R. \! W9 z# q& N& f( o* k3 i) g. n; T
* r$ U* T! z& P! w4 {/ d
! ]$ Y0 }/ v; i
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you$ r5 z7 \+ K9 A( h! P: }- D2 ?
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
& Z6 p; Y% }6 Q0 ^: \' X或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
( q/ Y9 ?' r* e/ a5 r6 {$ A3 U/ f或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.# }4 u3 T3 |4 s3 P1 ~+ ^, @
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
* N/ |8 W, F1 M6 b7 ]7 M8 S我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, & E3 m! t3 Q) a$ c
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”4 o% V0 ?+ ?  v
或是轻轻的一吻,
- W! O' t5 ]4 s9 N6 P$ O  q4 B9 @再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』4 A& n; D5 Q5 ?1 H5 `% B
就足够了. That is enough.8 r) X+ T6 N3 Y
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! $ [2 B1 m# f/ z  n
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
! S! E6 ~9 v$ S, L) d+ m4 P) y萌出了芽,
% ~6 a9 \1 ?+ O$ }) c  W) J一如对你的思念,the same as my missing, t2 Z1 `8 m6 I$ i4 J9 j
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure./ N8 D; \% L8 ~) T
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand' y+ D1 p/ }+ ^+ r% n
能够牵著你的手,
8 d! y( t6 B, `5 z6 {* Q" Q8 D那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
' }* c' `2 V: a' M) x让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. . o! q$ a) H8 T3 ?: Q8 x$ B
慢慢地细读,8 N( l( N, @. n# ?
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
5 E( p# \0 p4 ^8 T) l! |在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me * x' e3 O% ~9 N  O/ v0 }& u
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 0 r5 N* j4 X0 N
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:! R/ k* A- p- B: O: Q
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
! n: N0 _/ i& c; e0 L眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
9 G& C  ^* A5 Zchange to:lacked) m/ ?( U; S: l% |; d5 r4 K
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
5 @/ h, R7 x' u( jCats often played at the whole hot night.
, [& A4 {# N& n& y1 Y 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及% \+ q% ?6 s) W/ p( ~- w# i
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
$ _+ S/ ]  G$ OI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. * q. q8 v. e& V7 B3 [) k' I( x& w/ L
该为:throughyour hands.2 k+ n5 Y( T3 j" n4 ^: O3 A
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。; H  f2 r7 F$ j) o5 W, I; k
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
$ f9 L! e% T' H$ ]# I至少比我强。
. X7 T/ ?0 j0 b8 {偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
0 H9 f: M& _2 ~# Y5 H9 X4 O" Q
! Y& H2 C) O" `: E! A# x9 L  o( A0 H这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。6 t8 a3 s, M. ~( p& p
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.$ J$ K5 L) L' o% f) A+ B, T
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
) l7 @- o. n& g! @8 A  s) [前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:( `4 u. W, f9 Z; G3 b
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
7 q" `5 O) s" e3 O6 i+ d( @5 tPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.* V$ A. U: j4 ^- h6 ^& L8 ~0 Z" j
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.  ]) e: j, s8 f
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
% O" P' v/ ~& _5 ~8 H% E6 z/ GSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.% r0 j& A! m8 V5 J; v3 |
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
2 j* Q' F: H+ D- W3 b0 B' b$ aCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
8 k! @  c% e; Ulike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
8 V+ H. s! i$ ?I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
$ l" m3 _8 W; q- s' TThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
" L& c; K. G8 [1 aThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
. r$ B2 L, [$ zI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.7 ?/ J0 V$ O) L
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.0 `- \( O) l: N* E! \! t
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
- V' J! }4 F! `+ F. J3 AIntoxicated then feel cold,
# Z5 a3 I# a% i' [* L, j  G/ T5 C8 wthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
2 a: }, V; N3 Y. ~9 TI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
% o) @/ t* a: f# g' w# ^% SThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?! p8 u1 u$ i; c2 ~9 u9 O
Why I am always hoodwinked!9 b# p% z- Z  A7 u+ k3 z
I have told myself many times cautiously
( f+ O1 x# \* m2 v5 ^( i4 ]1 k% r' [don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
* K9 a9 _8 _0 r  z) j! U! VThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.) u. {1 g  F  B, F9 }* |: O+ T
Why can`t I take it easy?$ u# t6 B, d5 [6 Y6 x9 b
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
: T# X: G! |* z: W- e- OWhen the quiet night comes
  {3 g" C) E2 o; u2 H% s+ [your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
1 J4 j/ a" h  W5 R, b1 \- Q! EThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
) {6 A- I9 W0 K+ [# oYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,; |" i$ E$ T" U* c& y5 ]0 e
light the dark corner in my mind.' {, J1 F9 J5 h) m5 J- Y
I feel a bit of cozy.# @6 t+ h9 ]% W4 I
The deep attached to you in a twinkling. M; n1 L6 _6 Z
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.9 n4 v0 y5 X6 ^4 _
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,' ~" c6 ^; a5 y/ R' x3 t9 I/ g$ z
but accompanying with the time passed6 Z! ]9 u" F9 e+ t6 C. T1 I
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
# e1 }- \  E7 x& O/ K1 F5 \  }& Xalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
5 E" u& D- I: |4 v- IWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
7 S2 C' Q2 B) P% G9 jonly feel gracious for your existing,
9 X; [- h" y- v4 F) N0 \onlt want to do something for you.0 w0 w& p6 R, m0 p$ o9 N! c& p. d
Every time when you meet me- Q: E; n# G" E& d! V
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,# a' H5 u( @% ?& }
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere, M6 {+ ]! X( S0 N) v
That live in my heart.
- r! w1 v- e. w. N5 xDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?4 W2 X6 H6 x# C* X5 v6 B: f
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice$ x: @, B# _( f' Q, ~" ]/ V. N
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
: l$ E9 o" O2 X0 K3 _The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land. k, W0 K6 x" m1 l+ |9 c! |
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
- j/ O( ^+ j- e+ ~" C7 u5 CDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
4 m+ k$ v/ G8 Gespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.3 C6 T" s9 q! M: V3 Q. f& F
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
; N0 s0 h6 d, v$ n! f- Tonly waiting for you quietly
1 k% W. c# z! H' G6 K$ cjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
6 ]+ e5 u4 ?" Z- [( p# f" z, X. {I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
2 C1 B1 ]: w9 w$ U$ J! H8 M* Oand enjoy the rain washing together) [5 t$ u. Y4 u+ n! s
or rush to a film% i6 M: H+ |1 B, a% z) Z
or listen to a music quietly.% l3 W) s3 V' o
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?7 l7 r: o1 A: }( S0 a9 U/ X1 _
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
  e# O/ x" _2 |  n( ~( V# E( _smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
% h  D8 \# ?5 W7 h9 nThat is enough.1 r4 s" Q5 b$ T& @& r6 T7 y
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
: ?" m& v1 q( p, L( `finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,( p9 o  ]" O% o+ [$ I* X% z$ u/ x
the same as my missing.
) k# q4 ^3 T: n! kIt comes a little bit of verdure.
" N9 x# i; _: c$ z/ l+ lIf, If some day I can touch your hand, . f' z  [; S: w8 }7 t/ C4 I- C
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.3 S2 y8 c/ I8 F* g: ?
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
3 A8 }: F. _, _# w/ c6 ?0 bI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.9 t3 V) B. c, A# x; X7 N) c
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,1 ~1 k0 W/ M) O. Y! F
then I will have all care and ardor.
1 T$ [, I1 E( ~/ xShall we walk arm in arm?
1 p' W! p% ~2 C. i8 Y呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.2 l5 ?2 Q; |$ d) A4 q! ~9 t
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
' e4 {4 _' [% J' v/ [1 h& ?. _I am still the same person of yesterday.
) @. W: p6 L, j* j3 {5 cUnchanged name, unchanged I.- ^, r$ [6 ?. V: [
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
6 u3 O4 e7 s% K0 }5 Q! f9 bLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.' m3 P6 g# W4 @2 x/ b. ~
More or less," W1 A. R& d4 j; p: k
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
& G2 C( W9 i% X% Y
7 x! g  _& ]' {5 A; v, J3 HSummer easily slips away7 ^3 v4 V9 B" I$ l4 T" R' X
Those long lost hot nights
  J+ s* S0 u( W$ H7 ^4 r can only be found in the old days.
; j7 u4 i( @1 p# B# M% c8 n6 O1 i( ]! _& f
Cats jumping over the window sills, 2 t% t/ z" h5 u( r! F; w
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
" `$ ~% u' p# U  p, rGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
( Y) v3 F# y6 F3 oLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
9 e, N4 \8 k* T# }; WI am still the same person of yesterday.& e$ X+ c5 s2 X
Unchanged name, unchange ...
' T7 i$ G) g7 N& T% Z  @$ H
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 3 k2 f7 D; u, y4 H+ C% V# u. X  L2 ^
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* Q7 T1 M  ^8 g  n6 tLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
3 R, ~$ Y" S9 @  p# ~I am still the same person of yesterday.
& O. P  |' r: G. DUnchanged name, unchange ...

( n' V1 G9 i- w- M7 w0 O( ]i like it.
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