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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,3 J2 T$ s: o! A8 O
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
* ?# O9 Q- E- Y9 I零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
$ e; \: k7 N/ Q现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.4 J- B' L. k& D# z* n$ ~% `
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.  y  X3 C9 ~; j, w
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.0 w& K1 y! B, n$ V
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.+ z: L- q, j! m; u# }
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
$ C" S/ u) c/ [3 W3 l6 g' Q6 O9 b就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
6 w( ~8 D: m% p5 B我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及' ^. G- I' o1 t" u
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。+ w2 ^2 S' Q: F
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
! u- `* x* l. I2 A; r2 i; g昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.( f+ L- O$ R6 c" b
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up., Z2 b4 e: M3 H
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
" n1 U0 a8 n8 T* i+ m% b7 f寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
; ]& o" D- p' E/ S7 {: R& |醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
) i0 D' j6 M* H: L3 C迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
3 x2 B  `4 \" ~( O5 _2 f最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
2 b' U7 M! A$ _; u) M. O! m多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?; L5 ^: G5 ^, ?4 V
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     …." u* ^  z/ O( l( k. N
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
. I  j, t8 |7 l- m3 x不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.4 v+ K( G6 d9 @# f1 N6 J$ b
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 2 w+ o/ ]* {% X; [1 O! O
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
& n2 f8 |1 V+ N9 |! N) b多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
# ^) N" m5 w* `永难平息的泪) ]6 ~8 h$ ?+ |, |6 q- Z3 z& X
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
8 p' @7 T) z, `1 Y  y9 ~  m$ j~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
9 K. A' S: e9 H2 r当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
- X: T) O; S6 S0 ~7 H# b让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
8 {" x# I, X- h你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
: s# r2 u0 C0 Z6 i6 K一抹微笑;
  F( G+ A1 X& e: y一个手势;
- N; J) v# p6 w' |1 {+ X一片话语,1 _' X! t5 F. j0 f
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
4 K* x* s$ u. G: H, p! x  @0 p明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner0 b! v, E0 P# U6 X6 d
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.: z% R& h+ W: h& a
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling- p- g# H; n- r) c' h  ~
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..# C) F! u$ T" h( a5 Q
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,. S; T. s3 k. @# O/ |9 _1 M
我并不以为然。
) m. u+ H- Q9 G" A+ ?可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
5 d& v. P7 w. l7 I慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion ., G2 K. k" J5 |) M: s" f
被一种情绪所左右,
. L! y* S1 r$ ^5 ^0 M总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
  a* E6 N4 O, E# R2 A" @# L即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
+ Y4 R% R+ I- m. C也不问我是否喜欢你,
) e) V+ B; L0 s( F/ c2 J, X! d对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.# o4 }+ J. F8 c
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you: H% P2 g6 E8 t' i# U( W! \
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you# g! T9 ]# a5 ^* b' L0 K/ I
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
" D1 |; `1 X/ `2 E/ c! ~4 q3 {然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 1 y; g& \" s: P" }0 r
你的身影已化成一种氛围,$ H) k/ q* B% L* [0 j/ B
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.) i; ]0 |) n4 |  _
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
/ \! [! a9 B! t0 Y; E随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字8 `' a2 S* C# a/ p1 P( _5 O
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,% P1 X3 K+ `% D5 W( {  e
一种声音,and your voice# k/ ]' Z3 f0 R- F9 Y  W
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
/ |9 e) Y+ H. ~( S掺杂著幸福的感觉。
4 u, h2 L9 ^' F2 |0 p与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
7 g* Y/ D' W0 D) B象雪花般撒落在我的心田,* |: U6 f. z/ m0 L
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.; A/ r& x: \( d5 t9 y& o, r
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。) s9 b5 a, ^" W7 U5 Q9 t1 ]
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss, u7 r' ~+ R8 I9 [- J2 o3 ^
有一个能够让思念的人,2 [$ a! h" ]# j6 T
其实也是一种幸福。
5 A# i2 o: O' ~; Y尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
0 I4 |4 u0 K+ H# ?, i4 G4 z' X柔柔的海风,4 u# L6 f8 N; L3 B
甜甜的夏天。
4 i& P- m7 K' J4 u一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
3 ~: c) {% m; E5 \8 a$ E只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.! y" w3 S4 `/ P, G! {
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
( [1 Z/ X' k+ h/ d3 y+ f( B% F想和你有共同的情结,
" P, l- _$ s. p/ ~$ Q共同的心愿。
( Z  a& p  a& a2 ~  c( S: `/ v& T, N! g
& Z0 e- m4 m1 k3 X  T
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you6 H) W" S+ b8 ]2 v
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together8 w  J7 C- q/ m! H1 |$ u7 b
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
) h9 g- b* q0 V或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.- J& a/ V& Q7 _* a
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?6 O6 x1 w/ D6 w2 c8 t6 G
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,   z( }3 K9 N: C
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
+ K7 e1 q7 E" [6 @或是轻轻的一吻,
. m( o3 ]9 U( M6 y- `再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
3 \$ v2 U; }3 i  z) n1 @/ L就足够了. That is enough.5 }8 J( v4 Q% q3 Z( H8 M
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
0 d" g2 P! b& l终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.& v9 {- o9 D+ b% }* i  R# @  D7 g5 g
萌出了芽,: r" X7 O0 U! U" ^! }
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
, R1 l% F2 J; r5 w浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure., R% X+ L0 h) A9 Z/ V- w2 Z6 j6 }
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand# m3 f  l2 t' s: X. a
能够牵著你的手,2 J3 @0 N  y+ L& y
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
) n9 o: a9 ]: `" s$ y让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
# y5 B4 r9 V$ s$ i, Y慢慢地细读,
) @8 ^2 c9 }8 @/ ~2 J我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
/ i+ Y' z1 _0 a7 \# p; I* X在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me . g# F4 W4 x/ x) x
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor + [- X; ?& W/ P1 f& w' R9 n
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:3 v' q3 M) x% O; K7 {2 _
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago) v- C3 s0 f  O4 u1 T$ i# M
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
% X& ]3 L' g4 i: H; jchange to:lacked* R0 M* F% Y2 U& h
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool." W& V4 t& U5 b, c2 M, ^
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
& W% I& O2 p0 ]6 v" K 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
8 ^; m, V1 s! H' s0 \* m/ K改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.3 G5 G5 r! ]/ E+ }4 {4 q, G3 H
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
1 E" s6 l  S7 Y( _, a( v7 B/ W) R$ Y该为:throughyour hands.
+ H9 B& w; ?0 A: A0 U& K% `* m还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。8 o% C: r: C# h4 }1 i' F. h; r1 j$ a
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
" g% k) j) k# i至少比我强。
- S; C5 {# Y4 K  ?8 [  D3 T偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
8 k6 _2 w% K1 o8 j. W5 T: u- ^3 g' ^9 Z% K$ S
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。! m4 W6 X  q6 W5 u6 H, A: h
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.8 a  {  }7 b) T- R1 ~' i, R
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.5 b- |4 j! s. W: Z# C+ [
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
' l, j! g. B4 w7 nEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.% o2 r3 W# ?' w
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.9 a. c& {* W. j# \' N- I" ^2 B
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
& m* n) i) P* z7 dThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.7 t; q5 E4 Y! V! j* P3 Z- L6 K
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
0 t9 }  W3 U( n, l/ y) I9 ?' ASummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
" _- @' z- O* Q3 x. nCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
1 K( \2 @) Y6 ?8 j: f5 xlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.  g! S& S) `6 @3 L. j8 Y& i
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming., ]9 @/ U: m) O3 u
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.  Z/ {) S: h- m
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.7 U; w  f7 _: J" U
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
/ h. k3 g, m7 J1 aI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
% b; O7 H1 a- i5 P0 T- D4 l! J: QIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
' t) V. |  B# {Intoxicated then feel cold,9 [$ m3 q+ J3 P  E" P& y
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.2 _* u3 ~8 V! C9 c
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have., q2 j& F+ Z9 F4 `/ c, N
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?2 n0 T- i6 w9 l- V$ z' ^% W
Why I am always hoodwinked!2 p/ K- ~" C9 `" v- T: I
I have told myself many times cautiously 4 \* `+ f% e8 `  [
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.+ S/ }  z/ y2 Q
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
8 V' i9 J* \" _+ qWhy can`t I take it easy?% A" J/ G+ k- [0 {3 t  F, T
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
/ D9 q2 M& s6 f" S0 M1 {When the quiet night comes" ]& Z' N0 K5 A7 ~1 {" w
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
+ x& M" b. i: U1 {1 t: vThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.! }7 n' u6 g( K/ p( t0 O
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,# A1 P" u# H2 d- g
light the dark corner in my mind.
; A0 x8 w- M1 t( I# o! \1 iI feel a bit of cozy.
: n; b+ s: ?: @2 T7 BThe deep attached to you in a twinkling" \0 C5 |/ M6 {! C
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.! a* r( R4 P; n
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
% O8 k2 p! Q) Kbut accompanying with the time passed
- \% R8 m+ v! Z  P% w; gI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
! u/ |/ b6 j, Aalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
3 v1 c6 X8 n, ?- |! r" b$ k6 |8 OWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
" Q' N% s0 {$ }only feel gracious for your existing,) p" E6 u( ^+ D. k; d! }8 H8 _
onlt want to do something for you.3 B' h( `$ f; H9 m1 w0 t, V' s
Every time when you meet me+ M& e' I( @: R" W% w! n
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
! s* L- W! u' `5 p, R7 o) E8 P4 bbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere$ u; o0 m& y$ K3 }3 S
That live in my heart.
/ A) Y) b; O: T" z- hDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
! U! V, V4 W5 a2 \& |% ]. TEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
( N1 h7 s6 G. @, ~9 tmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
, C5 B7 v" N& h- ]% f- M3 k' o. eThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
) o. b# a% A8 P" Y' ?+ R7 ?suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.) q6 K+ p; i; f, {" {% z2 j8 s
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,. {+ N9 D/ F2 z) F% E6 v
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.# f! R4 @- ]3 W/ r
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
# W( V  h" n& k, Yonly waiting for you quietly
5 u; }  [" j/ q1 ~# D7 R  Zjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
" [4 M2 e% u& l. r/ zI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
( F: ^2 q' T! Y7 f% f- q8 \4 M) rand enjoy the rain washing together7 E; U/ e% {$ s" p
or rush to a film
" {: w" q' y* R' y/ sor listen to a music quietly.4 }" T: f+ i6 b
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
  I. r3 T5 `9 @& M& jIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,- t- ^! f3 A# R- |' F8 r! c" w) i
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".3 ~" j4 m! A1 B) |9 R5 e
That is enough.
0 @% x! h9 z6 k, ?4 _Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
. {: F$ l( Z! c! X! y4 Hfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
" S. i: r/ K/ @& H' R4 d5 w* F/ `the same as my missing.; E( D) O/ B+ Y# @4 c* M* M
It comes a little bit of verdure.
. B/ C) a" I  S) r( u: HIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
5 x+ p' ^' \0 y: Z5 B0 g2 jthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
& m! l6 B- y2 z& nLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
8 F. w4 X" G! N; vI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.# K0 i5 V1 k: k6 f/ ~( C: U! A
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,5 o% z9 b& X" q
then I will have all care and ardor.
$ O6 r5 e1 f6 \: ^3 s' S( _Shall we walk arm in arm?
3 M/ r2 x% f' |$ a* V) J. ?呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ f  H+ y  _6 X1 b! c
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
: w: M# |% E2 ^# N$ f, C. ~4 ]7 h5 BI am still the same person of yesterday.
! o5 M' |/ q$ XUnchanged name, unchanged I.
  Z: r/ T, f1 m* ~& H1 D  _5 q/ ~) DSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
( s* i: ~4 l: a& {& ~& JLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
4 h0 D3 ?( y" F9 JMore or less,
. A8 Z0 q. u7 `$ k/ E' \8 R6 S a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.0 g6 x& @* |2 c& f* P4 R( y

7 b* k# [) K2 b' }0 o0 C* v/ ]! ?Summer easily slips away
: B' k, z; P' f. w! tThose long lost hot nights
2 u0 P2 Y) Z- |4 W/ l9 U: @ can only be found in the old days.
, g0 c5 K" y' F8 _; j. I8 P. l/ C. ]. K  X
Cats jumping over the window sills, , W/ g8 i, b) F
chasing around in the breeziness.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
4 J) ]$ [. i# G% XGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
9 m5 W" Z" p5 d6 bLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.7 |# \% S' k' }) x, X$ c
I am still the same person of yesterday.$ ^8 D0 c+ y0 w7 y7 ~6 U2 U
Unchanged name, unchange ...

0 `& Y" C& G; A3 Z2 U& x
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
- e( C7 O# `  F( p' ]$ z; bGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* [+ d( t; J7 dLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.  Y' w8 ]9 I( m
I am still the same person of yesterday.
3 v6 F6 Z* _# a0 w2 i8 O; o9 w& V7 g' eUnchanged name, unchange ...

5 O) r) G  {# R/ M: Z3 Z# bi like it.
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