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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
% I6 D& ~" X3 C; c,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
' O$ W( ^1 K5 w零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
% w4 r. A0 K+ i现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
( H7 @/ q: x$ |! |2 B梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
9 K: H) W) n! r) Q' l' W, n眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
- t, @% V2 C3 H) T夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.3 z$ a6 N  x# p7 X% {, }* f
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
* @: F3 k* _4 @: P, d就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
2 [: _; k; `$ I我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
" X  w% L/ c1 S9 W  p( r那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
. I( v0 k/ a9 o! a( P世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
( ~1 Z2 T8 s% w2 z, C( A, h昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
) _- }! x7 b& I+ |4 d想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.) `/ O/ @/ @/ l/ r, l7 B
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
- I/ u8 I" e# I寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?/ U( n( w% S( v5 ]7 Q+ X
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.. f0 _0 Z8 o6 ?! i! }& b
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
6 a7 I. J2 O% P0 N2 T  u9 L最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
) R1 w; F; N/ k" K多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
2 J9 ~! c- F. I7 T* ]7 S7 ~. V* ~Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….9 t1 B2 Z3 ]  C& _- @( `( [
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
$ \2 @  ?+ R% r+ R不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.. s, P. U; S( X7 ~4 {) ~) t2 w
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
; A3 a' R! b" O为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?* q6 [) f7 h! z. q7 ~( G+ `2 g2 h
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
4 S. b. V& A% v$ `4 {" c# D- e4 e永难平息的泪
1 S: z% o+ G& c6 y$ i* C每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
1 k5 ?% ?& V' S4 B& Y$ m4 M" P; t~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.- S( y  A4 b: X* l: {% b
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
8 d8 R6 ]+ j# U% \8 F+ J1 o" w+ F7 l让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
5 I3 F, ]* s3 t& C你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
2 h7 t; ]; F6 P一抹微笑;& t% |) Y; V' f4 v; m8 ?
一个手势;
+ S8 H. \, @! w9 o8 X* N- Q一片话语,
' ?* I: \: q+ D: R5 v愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
0 h# S9 {2 A7 K( T1 ?明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner) @- }$ h; o+ ]4 P4 e+ H
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
7 Z2 D* s0 `8 g9 `0 {这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling# x$ P% S; l& x5 n* d) B
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
2 T& v0 h8 Z5 W9 k1 w# }起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,4 E+ [9 A# l( i( q( n
我并不以为然。  V1 h  _5 B. G* |3 q+ G% m0 B
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
. ?" `- @" v9 Q+ n6 e* ^' n慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
; i4 K% q- d$ i& c被一种情绪所左右,+ @% {+ e$ T- W$ ?
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
' J) g$ p/ k; ~: T( N即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you+ R8 b* _7 g3 [- p1 w
也不问我是否喜欢你,
+ u# K" L) }3 Q  H, l& G7 B) S对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
1 D; t* C& @, T% D7 L8 M$ O只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you% d5 v' q# S- b7 W; a) X" ^
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
# S2 G  Q; x+ s8 B: S: F心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil( ^2 N% Z3 i- B: H1 i) ]2 Z- Y
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
5 X9 `6 L1 ^& i2 k你的身影已化成一种氛围,
: q2 J& A( x- E6 l0 ^& O记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
3 g: D! V2 r+ z) e" c! \$ v你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 6 K) B! C9 T! v/ Y- P. p
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字: E1 U9 q0 J2 I* u2 S! ^  W
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
+ `. y7 u+ M: V/ [7 t一种声音,and your voice
/ S' _, B' y( N8 s也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
8 P. h2 `8 F3 c/ {3 a掺杂著幸福的感觉。* S8 ]  r  |) @6 \
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
* k2 P% K. k. U- r$ n9 K象雪花般撒落在我的心田,' T* [/ W' t2 |7 h
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you., }: N. a0 J8 H. g
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
& s8 ?! k3 y2 F% u5 m8 B4 L4 }, U* W你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss+ c2 X2 ~% P4 Q5 O( }+ _1 ^$ u
有一个能够让思念的人,/ Z9 [0 Q1 t6 U9 c
其实也是一种幸福。
! O. z/ b) v# L5 l- U# n尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
( T, o* M' @; r" D3 }9 g柔柔的海风,
% i) j1 ~' n2 h7 _4 t甜甜的夏天。
3 v* s: d# F+ a" ?- W$ w一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy $ U* `  n9 c& E( S0 r+ o
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
) k* x# x! z4 W  [# w  @' X仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.9 X* J" y! M2 h0 C
想和你有共同的情结,
2 H: x4 O: l! D共同的心愿。. Z, f2 Y0 @& J8 E( J
7 n2 P. U: O$ D
, N* ?; c' I8 }1 ?' u8 R* ^
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
, \+ H5 ^5 f; R# [6 b' u8 z% |! @' _6 g一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
( e" X# |( E1 w$ E% t或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film : N- A- T- W$ J, B+ D. P- `
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.4 N/ ^+ H/ w7 u% w9 Q
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?6 Q6 S# f. Z( ^# ~. ]
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
( U! d$ L3 N% k1 J* g浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
5 L7 }5 U* T' k4 y0 s" Y+ D8 R或是轻轻的一吻,( Z: ~0 K1 i  f  _, F# I
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』& Z) e& Q" x0 b' m! w* Q7 E8 c: l
就足够了. That is enough.% Y8 |  l8 _# i% Z3 W- ]( P
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! . U+ V  ^" f3 Q) K
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
1 I7 E  |6 a+ O. h7 B( x! R萌出了芽,
0 c) N  v: @4 Q9 G* ~一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
( _7 z% E  l$ S; c浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
5 [* Z7 a+ D. m) y& A7 r如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
& C7 m, l! f$ C/ R% J2 m# o能够牵著你的手,
, u! e# q5 G7 ?# Y- o2 P8 Y2 i那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
! f8 G, n* Q- I让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
& c# b3 Z- h* k8 G慢慢地细读,* f/ V& n$ ?: |6 T) R8 n* E, ?8 Z
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
7 R! L* V5 a) r在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me . e; z& N/ Y- Y) r
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor 1 T) l6 Z5 l4 M! D- P! p
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:' z1 U1 x/ P; W- q) l) G
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago2 i& c6 w& Z! L2 @+ b. i' Q
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.) j- U& r$ w0 N3 T' ?; O
change to:lacked
9 u- A+ Y+ M; `2 N& b, W/ d猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
! [* n3 K. G* p1 sCats often played at the whole hot night.
/ j3 _& ?3 Z$ j4 G 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及  Y: F6 ]( z/ S( P) p9 N
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.4 J4 V, [* p' e! Z4 M$ p4 b5 Y
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
; c- {& p+ @4 W# O* ]/ K该为:throughyour hands.
8 @1 I$ p3 x: L2 `" v还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
8 s$ r) l0 j0 q不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
  V( U; W4 g$ W至少比我强。
( J! w& K; `# R偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
+ d" W& s# F, w# S. b# Q5 z: ~' e0 H0 C8 x$ C, [1 Q# P
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。! S: c5 G4 |, m+ B) o# z; |' W
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
! L4 @8 |! k  |% Y5 B. \谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
9 R& r/ g" v9 [) B前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
$ }9 c0 Y; k2 y* B& |! F/ `( LEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
! r+ m' W* Z) W9 r6 uPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
) d7 F6 q9 L: o0 T! k! N/ Z- N/ I Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
+ B3 {2 c1 a1 U7 r1 g3 UThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.8 a& T( M) d! d( u1 D+ c0 ]9 Y" x
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.& R, ]3 R$ U1 q  R% M
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:; v$ J! {# s$ @2 m
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool 4 }6 {- F+ y/ g4 Q# Z
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.& ~9 ~; p0 j8 _1 |4 a# S
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
2 _& ^* @6 E7 v# f  d" lThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.9 q. J# \1 W. M7 M9 n! Z
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
# m5 x+ ]$ O" |6 _I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
* @+ b$ ~3 n. R4 B9 JI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
- s* E8 J' j0 e* Q- x' qIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?, r; O. Q" _7 L2 _& V
Intoxicated then feel cold,2 I; L3 L0 M& |" u- B8 F
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
" Z# J2 y. p, |4 JI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.1 W2 w' X7 Q5 F! X
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
( r- i* h$ Q/ j+ nWhy I am always hoodwinked!
& S( b; G0 x# S% U) UI have told myself many times cautiously . ]; f/ c+ c, c# y$ \1 D+ f5 `! f
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
2 |. P; o) n9 ?6 tThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
. z/ M6 E/ _! R. ~8 BWhy can`t I take it easy?. R8 G6 k7 n7 c
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
6 Y' X8 D2 }) G' E+ x) [When the quiet night comes( M; x9 f8 z+ ?; x1 _! }7 o& S
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
* H4 M& ~5 [# h& W! b) M, n- p  QThe greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.# k$ C' f& {4 C' x
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,7 O9 U& r  ~) R, j4 F% X5 z
light the dark corner in my mind.- u3 c0 j7 U4 j6 d* D& j& M
I feel a bit of cozy.
& S  |1 T  h: K& i0 d4 LThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
& J% S( L4 r7 L  E1 \; ?2 U# wmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
5 B+ {4 S& m+ g9 e  ?/ z- ZI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
2 K5 v9 r$ z7 g( Y. Z$ [. pbut accompanying with the time passed
$ G* o3 ^1 D8 TI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,( A( N4 W/ m$ j
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.0 l" h8 a9 P( I$ v) B+ A9 R
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
: T/ v( ~0 r& w+ D' z2 Fonly feel gracious for your existing,
- @# c# o( W" l4 z3 fonlt want to do something for you.5 a. Z# b. o6 }2 m- @4 L
Every time when you meet me
  T1 v0 z2 ^4 b4 \' Q3 H( M& tthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,# O" E3 a/ F/ y' O
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
7 X8 J; v- j" C' |( VThat live in my heart.9 ?  p, b4 z5 b* N( y3 E
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
6 F: \6 D3 X6 @Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
3 x# ]) q% ^8 |/ u1 D, c+ kmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
. V) N. @+ w% D$ RThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
$ y1 J; Y2 g! H; r5 ?& c1 |9 O7 [suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
# k/ |! U4 l# ~1 L) q5 K$ ADo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
. W4 Z/ Q1 y5 m* w$ T! U5 Iespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.- L' [. P0 i9 `( P/ D1 c
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 7 e! y. S4 N! U+ j
only waiting for you quietly
/ E2 T: l9 [  Wjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
& a( s3 V( X- {, v+ bI really want to ramble in the small rain with you 3 J- n' [( \- A% S6 d0 q. R9 F% H
and enjoy the rain washing together( j1 x" f! l! Y) ~4 e- t3 p6 Q
or rush to a film
& q" m9 W  i# J! j( Q9 N0 q5 G3 ^6 Sor listen to a music quietly.
- Y/ ~' n' h! S8 \2 oWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?4 J; o+ g' n4 Q1 v6 A5 \, `
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
% l' }% T4 k5 P, ~' bsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".& J) X. ^$ m$ y: z7 l' r9 P5 H) {
That is enough.
# ?* r1 v9 r7 \" e8 EMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,. A" b& }& n; Y, l
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
8 p  |% W# e! [4 g* e3 D4 [/ N/ Zthe same as my missing.! c) k. I9 a; A5 V
It comes a little bit of verdure.4 D6 h: V) H! ~" D+ Z4 J1 ]1 [
If, If some day I can touch your hand, : b* E5 }5 E  K  `- V) S1 v
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.$ y) o$ d+ b: |7 Q' k
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
, R; I) \* g0 u, L7 L- OI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
3 s0 R4 O2 X5 I  V% rAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
/ s4 }  V  V1 o5 fthen I will have all care and ardor.
% P7 J! _# p/ f& }% i. dShall we walk arm in arm?; K; G% v; p1 E, E) f' ~
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
9 q/ h6 f# j' y& r5 w/ h5 uLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.0 u( {. n/ s; O, U/ N, [
I am still the same person of yesterday.0 N4 g7 \6 }! S4 s
Unchanged name, unchanged I.& s" F- a3 T) V; \: H5 [, B
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 1 [0 w" }/ F7 X7 i! q: E, A
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.* j6 v, h; H. {5 i& s+ V
More or less,
* g; n, {3 l% ]  i3 L a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
5 K2 D* q7 u% H% p4 z. c. B1 q! Z5 P1 d- B
Summer easily slips away/ n# O1 x9 Z+ g5 [3 S
Those long lost hot nights
- X, h" g3 l! }7 A6 l* `$ ^ can only be found in the old days.
% s7 `/ L2 \0 Q$ P1 A" m( _/ z! s. Q. k
Cats jumping over the window sills,
' a1 w9 t5 p) \! n% wchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
& y8 F) U8 A' V9 I7 LGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
" ^( G% r, V* b! b# kLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
0 s" A: T1 w& Q! II am still the same person of yesterday.
$ A) x$ T. T* q$ C. gUnchanged name, unchange ...

2 i) s& v* |' g3 M
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
6 h- @. E0 ^) f  {+ {Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light./ [/ ^! G7 h0 ^9 A; t* Q7 q- k
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
3 [) P4 X$ x. \6 j! E, `I am still the same person of yesterday.$ _- d: _8 ?, p0 E+ I, A( W$ N% m
Unchanged name, unchange ...

* v$ g- l% O# T1 e6 n: k8 b6 M) ?i like it.
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