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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,  }, y  W- Q& m
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
( S5 W7 f* N/ G& d. t% Z零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
/ W% \. c; [5 g现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
* ?3 K1 I+ e& \" q5 w* N梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.. y5 D  M# o  c$ Y$ _
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
  c& T; t# L$ |) {0 d: {9 R. D, A夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
7 K$ ^( k( a6 K5 c+ p2 D# K8 f猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.3 _% |& p7 m: t3 S& \- Q+ R% F
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
1 J, M" J. p- _! V! A' Z5 I我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及7 t1 Q7 K0 A+ R8 n3 Q7 L
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
3 t0 J+ w9 P' j1 t! o& ?9 E世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.5 [+ v8 b: T9 x7 E& ], Q1 m
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
# k" A, Q. ^: b. l想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.4 Q; ]3 V. w! m7 r; a
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 1 i9 K1 d) A0 t) {# T+ ^: k& g- d) o
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
/ O" I8 R) u- [# f. G% n醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold., I: F0 g2 j5 d8 L+ d
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction." ~' j9 t5 l) ?4 u' ?
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.9 S: A- G2 ?. F3 i9 T4 V' d" s5 a
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
" n4 Y) P% F+ J. @- u" TWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
6 l/ {3 @+ v! V  s5 W多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously2 z4 P& K  n0 C1 e6 B! z8 y) \1 k9 S
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
+ r8 ?) h% ?0 B多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, * C/ W$ Y$ G  Q+ p
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
- j5 G+ W: A9 _6 ~" C4 k$ e% ~多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!; v/ I" T+ n# U+ f
永难平息的泪
. O0 @! \8 C$ v9 N( ]每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
/ I- Y5 Z5 b, K* x9 ]8 Y' n# D~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
( j" X' S, y& Z* C当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
6 r: ?. P5 X& ?( Y% K% ~/ L' x让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,$ ^  J% M+ i6 [  r& V! N
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
% I8 U! v! h; A" r, f一抹微笑;
$ r" {2 p' g* r' h: r, Q! q一个手势;
4 V" i% s4 M- Q3 {, C一片话语,
5 A) V8 _) A8 ?7 t" S6 L愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
1 T6 O; d( J5 m- ^7 r6 }7 M明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
/ Q* i! {+ f6 i  G心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.6 l  S, X' ^$ y3 t! \' N+ p& ^! |
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
3 u# [8 l4 \3 X  F" k也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
' N0 z3 Z7 O# {1 }/ {1 l8 `! P起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
" v; n7 q' ?8 l1 g$ u! _$ D我并不以为然。
! E: ]0 g$ [1 l0 ^可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
" x, E% T( ~6 q8 I  J4 z! ~$ L( T慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
& u( z5 y: J! j3 K% d1 G5 m! }% a被一种情绪所左右,; _/ B* f- r* D4 `- Q* r
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
0 f- \! `, B  |9 g0 ]/ Y2 P1 x即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
! Q  U; G4 s: s1 P2 g+ u也不问我是否喜欢你,! O# _, M& u( I1 |0 K
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.) x- `# Q, ^8 `# \
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you% }7 i( v9 S8 c
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
# O1 F8 N+ Z: f1 K% q心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil) L* N- R& U/ D) M
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
, z4 h% K' ~  |6 M" C7 x- S* j你的身影已化成一种氛围,1 v: a+ U; C& c/ v! o# a
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.0 y) O" t- R4 [& g
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 4 I. K1 x4 ~2 X& I
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字/ r" f: H% ~7 e8 q0 ?) K) Z
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
* y3 |* y/ d  J  n一种声音,and your voice
6 s) l' P+ c4 Y0 ~  V7 s: }也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
8 l2 [- {0 P) O: D掺杂著幸福的感觉。
# p( J- c" p1 r4 k" g9 r+ @- O与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
0 c6 J/ x! t! T, I2 A3 n象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
' h0 E) q$ B( X+ W% t6 e倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
3 w; k/ k- k) M, @纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。  L' J, m. q8 J" n, n0 d6 B
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
& }, ~8 t# I/ N9 p  x) `有一个能够让思念的人,; k) B, N. @' ]5 O; L
其实也是一种幸福。2 z: N2 x9 {. h5 V
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. 9 f% _) g/ I8 C3 t% h
柔柔的海风,( b% K1 N) g, x6 h# [/ D
甜甜的夏天。; R+ `7 Z7 ^0 N
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
0 U- l  [5 `+ @# w$ }( e只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.8 x6 F; A5 r& c' f! b
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
0 j& n9 @+ A' |; y7 ?8 @1 z2 I想和你有共同的情结,8 z3 X, ]  b( r: |4 C% |
共同的心愿。
3 }& Y# Q) }6 `% y, M$ F  l0 W" W( y  k

3 ^1 P0 q/ H. K$ P3 J好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you3 @: x1 K. E4 a# d. V  x, T
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together$ T2 `3 K7 n: X" }6 d5 e: m/ C
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
, k! r8 \6 E" M$ z  y& B或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
6 S  o% d7 `8 l8 O6 s: A5 q『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
# j5 l  u3 P3 `! z  r, ?9 t8 S2 W, I我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
# y$ p' G9 ?% D( w$ O- L  D浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”9 C0 i$ ?- R; n! _5 E6 H# B+ I7 @* n
或是轻轻的一吻,# A8 z. E; |7 J  Y
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』$ ^; g0 O, a' F7 x) B
就足够了. That is enough.
) O& q- D! T! i& a* Q, Q这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
: N$ s( M! G5 B) P/ x/ R& l8 m终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.; ]5 ?" F! O& w9 Z& f1 p% p8 [% \
萌出了芽,3 o& Z/ s) o# T3 D& B
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing7 |* o4 b; N) ^& O8 D. ?
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
/ C) [9 u& `! L1 a$ f, ?如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
% U- J2 N  z: g0 S能够牵著你的手,/ i0 Y7 f  {! I, [2 t: b: C
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely./ q) I' Q8 z; l; p9 j, M# g
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. & y+ }8 C( C) G; G% V( N6 |8 S
慢慢地细读,9 O+ S/ E) K: C0 m" I; }
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ; S) Z, |0 ], E2 U; f  l1 p
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me   b: [6 D9 \, l5 M" Q
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
3 T. e4 Z' M9 V. z0 C+ v就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
& n' S% J2 Q# D现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
& \* F8 p! e. x6 v眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.+ M# b) R, e0 P
change to:lacked& X: K" e9 V( G% l; R7 X* ^
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
' I$ }1 C! w7 s1 e4 L2 fCats often played at the whole hot night.8 I) c( l3 c& W+ G* a
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
4 W5 U, {& ~2 p. G( _6 ^改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.: o0 c4 B9 [; q7 H: m* V# D
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 9 c6 f; K0 b' [% p" L
该为:throughyour hands.( y2 D# z; X# @
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。# [& P, u) j/ x& l9 R: K
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
" ]* B8 P& w9 `' [  M2 i. i3 T7 Z至少比我强。
0 Q4 o3 ^" p& v: t( |! q7 T1 v偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
% m1 Y5 p5 O( D0 X  n9 }9 s$ O/ _% I" v/ C' t$ @( f4 `. w
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。) N6 A! v" X5 x3 h$ B9 K& C
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
/ b3 }  w; d+ R谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
3 q5 T. W7 r: i前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
0 \7 u$ X4 ~( l5 q, E: Y# ~, p7 A: |! HEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
$ C0 Q7 K* {/ o* U) I. _Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.6 {- V6 R* j. J% W/ Q0 Q
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.( W9 e) f+ H8 }# p2 W5 i9 G8 r. y
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
0 v$ Y# B8 D4 E, FSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.: l+ X) f5 e  a9 e9 f
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
& s( r$ n" R9 qCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool . _3 N! i0 @/ T* Y" w
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.7 A# @/ V" D1 N! ^8 ^
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.; J- p0 J5 [5 g% w/ X% R
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
! r3 v$ \% ?) w7 r, B" nThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.3 I7 g/ ]+ A& S" D
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.& ~. D* e; o) v4 z3 o+ c# \
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.% l/ c) N4 l4 v  c1 l" v; s: ^; Q0 c
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
; ^  H7 Z- L6 C8 ]0 ZIntoxicated then feel cold,/ s0 C: `+ Z  a1 _4 N' F
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.( C& a2 U3 j( K; [" {6 T$ @
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have./ n! a5 J3 b. I6 y
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?) [! v9 [6 d, Q; M: z3 J+ g
Why I am always hoodwinked!
$ X1 R# {. I/ A6 I- F+ |I have told myself many times cautiously
5 {- s/ a3 B5 }% d6 b  Z- C3 ]don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
6 [6 i) E  H( t3 _6 GThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
, Y& w" ^- o3 [- E, q( R% oWhy can`t I take it easy?" }5 Y! k6 e: O4 T* o' Q. z
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!. t, G. s6 Q5 |( j  N
When the quiet night comes
! d( j0 d1 V  vyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.3 t- f; k6 V$ ]4 E' [
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
2 p# V/ b0 q1 g' r6 SYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,) V& e9 B8 B( s" {: S& S7 z1 Z
light the dark corner in my mind.1 ^. j  R2 v8 |2 y: w6 n
I feel a bit of cozy.
: }% v8 k9 ?, w9 J; aThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
4 `/ t: i% z7 o, Y) I( v' b! X" ymaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.8 D1 R- W* [& U# q) W) Z
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
6 W0 ^; O+ d# P* _but accompanying with the time passed0 L, U( U, \( X7 |: [
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
3 l0 J9 u* T) ~' s& Yalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
! c# o7 l/ {# KWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
( {9 y4 ~  {) L0 E' u" F* wonly feel gracious for your existing,
" L6 [( i8 V6 M; m: W% \$ Wonlt want to do something for you.
8 k9 K' z# e; U/ @  w3 Z' F/ zEvery time when you meet me
& {) h9 ~1 r( y; x0 h- h, Dthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,: ^( \. E9 T1 W5 v
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
& @0 l) G2 S1 A' q9 a9 R0 UThat live in my heart.3 B0 D, [2 u% D8 a0 n; [% l
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
  o4 W1 d* ]! N" h2 h& E# dEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
* v6 O, G) \. k  @. Umake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
7 H2 L* u. |) H& J1 P# i9 {' |The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
( F4 v5 j$ ?% ^) k6 @$ vsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.2 W( `3 {. v3 a* J4 X, h; z
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,; `1 c0 ]" O/ u/ x6 r6 t* A
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer., r( B: c% S) h/ H3 e' F1 {
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy $ l" m+ E% r: i  X) G! P
only waiting for you quietly0 w& L. F8 x$ B9 J+ `
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.; T4 a* z" T" l! G. v% ~* t
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
  ~$ `2 n% X; Z) P2 V  Z9 Mand enjoy the rain washing together5 V* R, I- U# J' ]9 a
or rush to a film
0 [' g! v! E8 x$ ]or listen to a music quietly.
$ a( E3 z( z( D9 q9 ^5 K# u! CWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?  I! H3 |4 }# m: k
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
. t& A0 D" M: E. ]) Ksmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
$ b; b) d+ K+ o0 ?8 Z7 @That is enough.
8 D2 |2 m. O( ?5 _' jMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,( B' w9 ?8 {! W
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
' P% ]  e3 \3 E; z& ]. Z* Kthe same as my missing.& _! c; Z9 {$ ~3 I7 R
It comes a little bit of verdure.6 q5 E+ Q. z+ k5 V( o$ K  r) A
If, If some day I can touch your hand, # y& v% O6 M& J% S
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.# g+ ~# I8 j+ |: h7 k
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
* Z# }  O5 C$ l1 j2 N1 _( ]I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
) ^" ]# U1 ?* nAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
1 R+ r8 s- g( p6 bthen I will have all care and ardor.% [5 e1 K4 j/ U4 N
Shall we walk arm in arm?
: U# ~7 w# W. R+ G4 U呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
" Y- U3 X8 U5 t+ m! bLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' l0 T0 T/ S- j* z
I am still the same person of yesterday.
$ c8 Y; {  v; ?& v2 eUnchanged name, unchanged I.+ U+ ]4 t  Z* a; V1 |4 N
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
/ G4 p# d0 T" {4 T# p9 rLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
) V( F* f3 w* a" D5 X  r: rMore or less,
! L) X8 Y9 H, y% T0 G+ P, r a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
# O6 ^; j, ]3 H4 ]8 _& K2 j$ ^4 Y4 W5 {* L# v* @2 _/ l! y1 M  G
Summer easily slips away
+ Z7 F( T: \2 t0 F7 Z) \- B6 vThose long lost hot nights
1 P$ s# _, P! B, a+ s% ]0 B  E4 U can only be found in the old days.
8 U" y& o+ M5 B) B" @  j5 p
) W1 e5 b$ C: S; gCats jumping over the window sills,
+ l+ _! v4 y) f9 P6 ~" Dchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
1 H+ N4 w" @" i4 X2 Q) Q$ EGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.: m; N2 z1 D- L( N: l2 T: d
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ }' l1 n9 v& p
I am still the same person of yesterday.5 _' [( q, a' C% d4 C
Unchanged name, unchange ...

: h0 n; c+ f2 t0 q: H+ V9 b# X
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
3 W8 G/ p4 W9 u' {3 `Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
" u2 C& f# Q$ G: ]( y+ H; m" p8 h0 SLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
2 T" O& I$ ~  v8 }8 PI am still the same person of yesterday.; a. h, z7 T) ~- S" J, R
Unchanged name, unchange ...

$ I: N2 t2 d. j( Zi like it.
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