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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
2 ?' E# A$ R3 m( ],.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
* _6 z2 t! K5 x& x4 q零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 6 ]' W$ ~  S/ F6 f- ~, w
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
' R4 O/ f, P* _$ w5 O梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
7 v0 P' C& `0 Q& `: w) t' n眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.# W# a. O/ |, C! X% P) p$ Z( n
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
# R& H2 d+ x! f猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.2 w7 W5 D2 I6 r) B3 s2 g/ f7 p
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.& A/ J9 w9 d0 t  y, H
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
* K/ J9 z  n" k7 i% j那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
6 s: W4 `9 e7 h- H7 w. b; J世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.! h6 A# Y$ l& L8 c5 G7 |. d5 L, ~
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
! f3 [8 f1 J. s想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
4 D( T' _+ N! n! ^& P3 G最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. * q; @, P4 D$ Z; B" U) Q5 K
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?8 ~7 V$ N4 v9 ~# K
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.* J* D" v/ w" ]" V& w3 r
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.. X+ f9 Z5 a' y0 R# ~
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
: w; u2 o8 h8 h; _& Y' ^多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
  @/ q- ]- T; H# |/ |Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
$ t1 o/ ~/ d% P; L* S  C& j多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
  i+ Z; A7 e, D2 ?9 {  \不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
( S, ~% e+ i- _, u多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, - U- j+ p  l) `0 u9 M8 I4 F- ?
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
3 `+ L0 l) W  G3 P. \8 `! E多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!2 f5 {0 d( V1 J- k# J
永难平息的泪/ d6 p/ M) X5 N$ E1 j7 x
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
- U* R; k$ l' o* R8 q7 L, ~~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
3 ^5 T& E: i4 Y# [, T9 K当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
0 ~% X6 Z- I0 U7 L6 f让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
$ Q3 v% N4 H! x- T! ?9 x你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 5 U4 K3 ^3 M, ^4 h5 ?
一抹微笑;# c, ~0 l5 t- q, L& ^' t& B  u
一个手势;
1 [5 \+ z& S$ t, Q& B一片话语,
; H1 [* W% R3 G' m- I! M+ d愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、2 W8 _& Z- h% r. b
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
5 K! c2 X2 e5 [5 r' l6 ^心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
! S" d& g1 ]7 B6 t* }这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling- S& e+ H& c/ j! l  r* M
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
: p( `+ {' D; Q$ s/ \* ~) A8 R起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,+ g& W, v+ Y6 K+ g, G
我并不以为然。- z. X8 H8 P. d- f2 s8 H
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed % r8 f, b5 t1 ~: T+ r
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .' D, @4 b6 s5 q) d
被一种情绪所左右,/ r" B4 Y6 z0 `  Z5 T5 W
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
  F' i0 ]$ \1 M+ Z% U$ f' P; G即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you$ y! s3 i8 {- F
也不问我是否喜欢你,
* d# @1 N& R7 j; Y对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.0 Y. W- D/ H1 Q+ d, P
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
: n' v- w& r* w6 G# ?2 t/ |3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
, A9 d4 W$ b7 @" J; l9 P6 I, Y3 f; }心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil% y' ]$ ^: T+ e4 T% a) }
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
. v0 M5 I, t4 O  h6 S你的身影已化成一种氛围,
5 U: n/ J- j4 g4 F) }记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
2 y5 t/ ~8 f! o1 V# z你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
8 f( Y5 v0 T- w3 S% N8 e( [随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字' l" E/ a9 ?8 V% E+ O
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
# u3 f/ T# i$ }4 @0 F一种声音,and your voice
  f& |# }: J8 {" e/ P也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
! {6 l2 F. W+ [- x2 x. i  P掺杂著幸福的感觉。. \0 ^* c# U, y# s
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land/ M! z- O8 L$ Z$ N
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
9 z$ Z" Z) X$ f) D3 T4 D, |" H倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
: L( A' S6 {7 p/ N4 z* L纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
' l, j- J- n5 W你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss( P; a4 i2 v3 d% q" U# d
有一个能够让思念的人,+ e! Z' c. }4 m: {
其实也是一种幸福。
- _) o8 G, C+ A尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. + z0 X! |7 b4 V$ J
柔柔的海风,3 F  i- Q5 \9 ~! b. K4 J
甜甜的夏天。
% T2 q2 ?+ K4 s4 }一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
1 n$ ?7 c( m9 a0 p只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.' F% |, n$ ^% h5 r
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
0 t% F3 ~2 p( O7 h5 h7 K3 z$ ~想和你有共同的情结,
% \9 D- {& o1 V- o4 w! \共同的心愿。( g: E0 E) `; |$ U. M

$ i9 `+ K( Z# L+ D. w5 d$ A" n9 y  c6 h* f
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
  R/ F7 W- i1 t. N9 j/ h! C: S6 }一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
6 Z- G6 k" @2 D! a7 u或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 1 N8 d3 ]+ F" X8 |
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.( z3 Y. u5 z  y% @
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
& `6 W! K( }) j$ r我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
/ `- O( D) [5 T) ]浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
6 h, x# [5 {, {3 n# X/ F或是轻轻的一吻,
' b9 u9 {+ k& H0 k再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』0 F2 x4 b% ?# B
就足够了. That is enough.
# y9 f( t2 k9 m$ c8 L/ d这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 9 L- J0 ~4 ]# P. _% `  S4 ]& |
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout., J; e9 g3 G6 u- x. U" o
萌出了芽,' A. t& j" b: {% f. s
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
: i5 U( S& |9 w4 O7 B2 z2 k, c/ o浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.3 G1 N% C, U: ]6 A4 `2 k1 E( K
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
- z$ w+ E) E, }4 S0 }能够牵著你的手,2 f: l* J4 z5 E  r2 A
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
8 J7 j9 M! Z! m% z让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
( R$ l7 J% H% W) V( h1 k1 q0 u) j慢慢地细读,* P# d; z" X) T9 \
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
% J* v% ~% T9 i9 @- K/ T在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me ; O/ k5 v' k& U) }
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor - B+ q4 Z# }0 s% m6 S
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:: ]9 _& P7 {# _* `8 v% s
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago5 {5 J3 }3 `2 \/ X% |  U2 b7 c
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.. e8 W$ i) }3 }- ]) A7 B" R
change to:lacked
+ W6 |* V3 C+ I& h! {! J$ C" ]猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.: o6 R/ j  k; o& i7 R
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
: S; B% a" G; O2 b% {) a+ L) A, ` 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
4 W% M) m& L) W( S9 X改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.$ E( b& Q/ O, s( a
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. $ y0 K. E5 w" d8 q
该为:throughyour hands./ H) F- R/ T3 ~! h
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。6 ~: i( Y2 C8 {* w. {' @$ y, [$ O
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
8 {" u& R% l8 t8 \* F! Z1 E至少比我强。' E, t2 L' q& g$ F) b- K- q) P
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 3 _! K6 u1 }. W; D6 L

4 {$ S* B1 m% B/ O这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。/ ^+ n) ~/ `1 s3 T, z4 }
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
. K  o+ x! E" H5 {7 L7 k谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
/ i* H. D3 u8 F6 d6 Z/ N前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
: b# R. Q- J/ H9 |Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.# T) E! m1 P" K0 G7 D8 s+ D
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
6 f. U6 s) R6 Z3 o; x8 f$ Y Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name., E6 o- S8 ?' r+ `
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
' d; i7 M; u4 q& o0 }: oSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
9 u2 Y* ?) r0 O' C4 G. u: n4 DSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
  x0 D9 ?% H, O: l5 r* C* HCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
5 W4 H" `/ E2 r$ a  Z1 ^/ l0 f% }like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
9 k6 _5 m3 t- L' lI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
& w$ O5 r9 ]2 h# G4 A; pThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
3 r  g/ ~# [2 ~5 o3 Z+ m2 gThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
( {3 _4 z. ~: e6 @I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.4 u. h7 Z' @3 |6 p
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.1 s& x" c4 Q8 C) @6 Y9 r$ T: n0 i0 i
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
7 s2 h' f: V/ s0 Y( N1 |4 `Intoxicated then feel cold,: |7 x' ]" W5 A
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
, `9 e' D) R' |2 a' eI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, X; l6 s4 H# I' p  ]" |The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?! ^3 R$ ]" k7 S
Why I am always hoodwinked!: K- B/ }6 c8 V" y4 t" h
I have told myself many times cautiously
/ a& }3 c" P% O/ |  Kdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
) n. D1 ?  n9 R* A6 ~9 FThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.. u9 x" U0 w) Y8 s! j- G$ |7 A
Why can`t I take it easy?: \' A0 M& S& B; Q! P7 B/ p) H
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!& c( Z& b) m2 r) u* Z( ~
When the quiet night comes' F9 U3 K1 R/ ?$ t' T' q8 o$ \
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.& ?9 O& a1 w7 B: O
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.$ ]% P8 ~4 D4 Z$ `- h
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
7 i& v/ }3 R, m7 y. ]light the dark corner in my mind.1 U5 A' t9 x9 q" G% T
I feel a bit of cozy.1 A; a! R. E! l# e6 F
The deep attached to you in a twinkling" d9 R' z& g6 M: X: f# G8 H
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.- v) w/ T. r) U4 s* [
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
# G/ y8 B1 s' ~' w# G; A% i7 Dbut accompanying with the time passed
# m) i/ n9 c+ _I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,# ?7 G3 w9 s" k0 n! N
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.: A- ~- O- B2 ~
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
5 `  V8 s& D" D) w0 T3 |7 d7 H! qonly feel gracious for your existing,5 V/ x$ N5 A) h0 \1 |% b
onlt want to do something for you.$ H2 \/ a( |, P) T/ d- B' |
Every time when you meet me# Y- F: @; s4 P+ e& S
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil," S& u( p; i- y- O& l
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
+ d' j: }) ?4 v: t2 g; L6 _' N, v# qThat live in my heart.
3 B0 C+ C# L) l9 aDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
/ W9 L/ G8 r9 i7 V- Y; w/ Z/ XEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
% G: G/ P" C5 P. r; J5 kmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.+ X  @( l' @& C0 I! t
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
" {! x  e6 `* ~) F& Msuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.% B4 s; E; K4 H- n. R7 f
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,; I& e  ^8 y& Q9 a
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
7 W* D( V) l+ l- DSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy , ?$ N: Z- b, R- X
only waiting for you quietly
( N. _' q* m% I* U: [; Y$ h- fjust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
  a! I- Z4 z( E9 |I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
  S9 v+ N6 N  \, ?0 nand enjoy the rain washing together; V  ^1 r; z& T" B+ c+ C: ?7 h
or rush to a film
# |& _  ^4 ]2 N5 m% tor listen to a music quietly.8 n3 ^) j9 }" I
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
8 ~9 u/ i- p9 I" oIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,/ ^+ p: V! |6 @3 n8 w% z6 N6 r( |
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
3 b8 C$ v! n  J0 a8 Y: bThat is enough.- h8 W# e- }( _$ a; u$ h9 A/ P4 ?
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,8 R2 p- L( _+ L5 V( j1 [% m6 T
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
% C) Y7 o% |/ ]! d. gthe same as my missing.; h, X/ u1 K8 ~; K- E# i9 _
It comes a little bit of verdure.) G3 z* l6 \. S- L2 X5 `' |
If, If some day I can touch your hand, ( e  h5 W& I' r5 y
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
' @5 ?1 Q' W) B0 x  vLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
( _- h0 ~! l: aI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.3 D2 ~; S! x8 m1 R. H* ]$ J
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,. u2 D1 b: ~$ G! N
then I will have all care and ardor.& C! _3 C' \9 O8 y1 R: `
Shall we walk arm in arm?! e3 x  a& x: v0 |: j* z9 P
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.. _0 z! ?, p+ g+ ?4 f, Q; ?% I
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' c# h; Y" Z9 R9 x: U" l3 J  k" f
I am still the same person of yesterday.8 [  @" n3 Q3 H' e8 d
Unchanged name, unchanged I.8 @: n9 a0 Y8 G7 {
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
& l+ t: f- ~9 N1 |Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
& K2 u7 b; V( }More or less,
! N# k" ]+ Q1 v, e! { a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
6 K) f: E! C4 f- ?% h8 E$ t: O5 f8 n7 Q0 N% G
Summer easily slips away) Y, M: s+ ~- [; W, C2 A
Those long lost hot nights
' R5 }' O, @  [1 f% @' e1 D can only be found in the old days.
! W: C( }6 O7 F3 Q; \" ?; v& l
. L8 I& I, L% G" s. Z  T. r7 I. r" HCats jumping over the window sills, 7 n' X# f! H0 f* D" R" M
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 - Q: n4 D7 l& T- g6 t
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light." N+ n3 V, L1 h
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
1 e+ b" {, {0 ^I am still the same person of yesterday.
- k4 K& \* j0 s. W9 KUnchanged name, unchange ...
* N. y$ l! j& ]7 V7 P
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 1 h( X6 E9 P- v4 j! Q
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.4 d; b( V7 s  d3 r) z/ q
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
) T7 n- j6 c1 v8 d5 l2 I6 zI am still the same person of yesterday.
  T; H5 c: [8 {$ E& }Unchanged name, unchange ...
& W+ d5 r) T* w
i like it.
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