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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
9 S+ ^8 a9 k* i" w  T0 D,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  2 l, W: B2 D4 z$ R! T& j
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .   z, Z9 u0 Y. @# m8 r# I) _. i' B3 i/ A
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
$ A6 A8 u0 O& p梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.3 M+ t6 D2 W- \. o- J
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.1 I+ a) z$ M) y9 C5 B$ ?
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
) q$ d, w% p5 P: }" ^% D猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.+ i& m  ^5 k5 C; u# p) {
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
( Q  ^/ ^- D( S* M) f0 C我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及9 O2 W1 y: R- ?* u8 `3 G
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
+ I" C- s2 k8 {5 f, M8 l+ `0 t世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.' k1 D, `1 r3 K! P! \
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
* [5 [9 X9 _/ G* w想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.  Q: I+ p  h4 }
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
4 x( _: _! D# `5 T8 a) t+ W寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
: ~: L3 c, O7 e3 b' ~1 b1 J醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.5 x' Q( f; f' T! v) y
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
, |% v! N. T6 |. `. ?; T& R最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
' l. y* z1 o: k  {多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?8 J& P9 a& z% a
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
, K+ U- P% O; `( Z, Y7 V多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously: ~7 H& B8 g! l# P! X
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
7 h. H2 _4 V2 _; k  I0 H0 p多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 6 F; d9 O2 l5 A4 q7 s1 W
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
4 y  ]/ C+ V! j1 t多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!( [8 j: o* |# ?% ~
永难平息的泪
  J* W: y: Y  J每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
$ K: y6 k$ Y# Y' \~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.( b! P* c$ _* z% Y/ U
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.+ _1 Q. x1 N# e: g
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,) ~5 q' n, y1 ], r) t  q
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
+ I9 l4 Q: {: ]一抹微笑;/ G6 m+ c2 C$ B8 Q$ f
一个手势;
2 k) q: G, ~  x; g- k+ M一片话语,: \  U6 Z. Q7 O4 }0 P( L
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、2 ?- G3 u% q5 N( c0 S( Q
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
; J+ D0 c4 I' z0 b# I心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy./ F+ j8 W  Y, G* l. f8 g
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
1 x8 S# _$ w/ g也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
' }1 n% I' W6 M起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,( o2 P3 u% Y- B
我并不以为然。( O# K. q6 Q3 {
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
% M: L1 {$ y) `( }' p% r慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .! n8 B* C* \, U: ]3 y" z2 K
被一种情绪所左右,
7 R2 h" [% w  S& ~: u. R  |总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly ." `% P+ y; z% x0 a7 }9 G
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you2 k% \  Y5 C8 H: ^: c8 i; G
也不问我是否喜欢你,
" {9 \+ L! _1 D/ H对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.+ A3 E; B% D$ S& V) N0 c: `8 z
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you; `  {: e- b+ B( a% j
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
( _, V$ s' Y; x" O; T* Q- U( V- F心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil# Q  c! _* Y# Q- ~5 i+ w. Z
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
4 S) N7 L: L6 E* t你的身影已化成一种氛围,
* |6 {, B- J* A6 D; ?记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
1 N/ h0 l- ]1 x  @# _! A# r你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
( n5 q! |3 s4 ]8 K9 }% x随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字7 m- F/ h- n) M! X2 x; q
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
  y- Z8 X6 L! P! T. F一种声音,and your voice* F& H0 ~2 y. d8 G
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
; i+ i' O4 r" O掺杂著幸福的感觉。5 J1 p7 _4 |8 F
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land# Z- {& ~5 S- R" C, _
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
" N' ]" ?8 _$ u/ j0 c倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.- P. r6 p1 z" v3 o9 L: `
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
1 I# H  R5 U# J9 F你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
9 M- C  w, U1 b) _/ s) c+ Q5 V. s有一个能够让思念的人,
4 l5 u# K9 i+ l9 d其实也是一种幸福。: @- }) J4 f9 I. P( f: l
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
! C- P# z8 @" U4 k' q柔柔的海风,% C: d  p2 @4 R8 Q
甜甜的夏天。
& k) Q( E4 Y& X6 e4 _6 P一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
- H) m! \7 C* O& B% F4 C& H1 N* L只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
* b- n# f0 u. s3 i: g9 }6 n2 V仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
- t' }1 i. h) R: \, ^. c2 A想和你有共同的情结,
( ?) S# N! e6 B2 S# M共同的心愿。7 o) P$ Y. H' X
& M; `& y( X# X' s
4 i" o% ?* P) Y/ x
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
) k, E5 J, _! n3 e' K一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
2 \3 e5 s! z" Y. |+ L或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film , N3 T; ^& v" A% L3 L# `9 x, s
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.: B! o- @1 }( M4 @( U
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?9 h) Q+ ~! M  @4 G" Y
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, : T$ F+ N0 D6 m2 ~; ^4 e- s
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
: A/ b! `$ @' y) ~/ B2 v3 i$ A或是轻轻的一吻,
9 n3 p- Q5 ?' x/ L再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
4 ~  J8 j) H- f就足够了. That is enough.( f7 M6 \- |: T' |0 z
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! , u4 G3 d5 M) @$ v
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout./ U2 g2 n& x& x+ e1 u1 X
萌出了芽,$ p8 z" B* H0 ?/ i" E* n2 {4 c. C
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing+ ?) O$ y3 E9 r- h
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure./ o3 c- `9 u% ]- B2 h
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand2 @# J% r0 N6 |0 j  A& K# a( ]
能够牵著你的手,
) _$ U4 ^  Z( g/ n6 k9 I$ K那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
) H* {3 C4 [* ^+ O" D; m让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 1 u  U* p8 M  Y7 t
慢慢地细读,6 `+ q  q: f3 m- Q+ i& T
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
! y$ ]8 i$ e/ G5 u. [1 Q在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
) y: M0 {* f7 i  E* d我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor # K7 y- O2 B- Q
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:1 w$ S; @. F9 X+ @" \
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
4 l2 L! U! Q6 `0 K眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.' D+ P- S1 r( N) }: b" _
change to:lacked
0 L' W7 L" Z  l3 |& i0 i4 K. i猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.2 N7 X% U/ o+ L2 Y
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
% i3 f, l5 H: v; z8 v1 O 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
9 e$ c0 p8 q7 K8 ^3 k改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.- c4 R! H, H- p+ Q9 _: [
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
$ x' ]1 d# P/ A3 b" R& u, M该为:throughyour hands.+ u  `9 p; Q0 p. z
还没检查完,下一次再改.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。$ B2 h0 t. d( E+ N9 N; d. G
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
9 g: R; s, ?( T至少比我强。
0 I! K( C4 X0 G! x6 M! B0 E/ L6 _偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... ; I$ E! y) J8 o; U  H* D

  B. _$ Y- j7 l0 \) ]* v这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
" D4 M) V) K, N) A后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
# `. g! V) c' e8 i! V谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译., ^( @7 M: G1 u. n1 ^3 g  i! ?* `
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
4 X# j* _5 J% eEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
' s1 p; g* l6 w( y8 R% Y" oPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
0 ^  `- V2 A! m Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.% ~# B) Y$ n8 G6 n" h* A
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.1 a4 V; M) b% i. F& E
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.9 S: [4 b" E& K3 n) j( m  a" o
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:. a" |$ f+ n9 f2 A8 _6 Q4 u0 @
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
2 ?6 B6 ~# r/ Z9 `- V& w! `like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
& A# i. V  K7 ^, q6 j2 f. _, HI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
# Z& Z% |' d) y' w! O# V. G2 W0 yThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
1 ~/ C* R$ Q/ J  T  L; zThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night., A: O! u5 k4 H1 w3 H+ c0 e
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
3 t& _9 l6 \, o2 U* [I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
, T/ M7 d$ ?- i( |$ \& a- }! {In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
  F' V* E2 N- ^8 ~) lIntoxicated then feel cold,
1 }" D, {( j- R& x! V% sthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
3 q% [0 _% ~" ^I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
4 d) k) z9 w" pThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?% C) I" h6 B- I- J
Why I am always hoodwinked!0 {9 C- ~9 P; Z
I have told myself many times cautiously - O" s# y. }9 ?- c& \% K1 g' P
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
6 H  r) Q9 l% ]" Q# h& x7 OThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.. l% R* k2 M+ ?) v+ |; ^3 ~: A
Why can`t I take it easy?9 k- L0 X/ t4 _6 ~
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!3 V; o0 m  y5 ?) B
When the quiet night comes, E; }0 R# J+ g/ r  M0 v5 O, J
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes." Z* m. W; w! A
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.6 _' i$ m  h" a) b$ M# D( s+ c
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
; r* N( O# Y. B1 w! c+ E5 h. `light the dark corner in my mind.
' n+ i3 d/ ?$ \I feel a bit of cozy.& g+ N9 K5 {$ f1 S3 |
The deep attached to you in a twinkling6 e7 p) \+ `1 I# |, j* {
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
& K# g  w7 P4 w* X  F$ h2 eI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
  t6 _$ `4 J% `' ^& y* ]5 g7 b2 tbut accompanying with the time passed
# v6 N. W. V! x  b  MI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
% T9 [4 Z6 t$ G' r# j& ^% }7 Dalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
7 z: N9 o1 k/ O/ N" A5 u* {6 UWithout asking if you like me or if I like you" r( J# u0 c! u- n/ ^- \, l6 n" L# J; h$ [
only feel gracious for your existing,: Y, L# g4 @3 f5 N& ^( ?( G0 P8 Q$ Q
onlt want to do something for you.3 {5 O  E' }) @' g$ k
Every time when you meet me  P6 A2 X, d1 U- Z; Q0 i( s
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
" Y+ [, P# S' v* Y. J6 jbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
: C8 [1 {7 [+ l: K2 ]0 s- bThat live in my heart./ K9 s2 |; ?6 C" P, L% @6 m
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?+ `) w1 l# w! i+ u9 r: r- J: @6 b
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice, p8 b4 j' F* ^
make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
/ e, b5 A9 B) z; ^. u1 Q. a6 R4 [The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land; S, F2 R) p, ?' V. u% J3 ?
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
1 c) H5 x' x  G0 w) }1 \$ r; i+ N& fDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
, S: {' Q+ \2 A3 V* F) F+ respecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.+ A: b& }. k# i6 _
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
6 `$ ?" q$ z. v* z7 e! B% Jonly waiting for you quietly7 ^/ C1 j7 A4 Y# Y6 S3 r1 w" p: i
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.6 p8 R7 y$ ]3 o2 P# e# L
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
. N7 u# n- w  a4 r+ D! Q" g: \and enjoy the rain washing together: o# }* c! B& O2 d
or rush to a film; l" u* Y8 L, n7 N) p% N4 Z; w% F* [
or listen to a music quietly.
' f) r/ i5 e5 p$ ~7 ^Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
$ ]( Y+ @7 _" T* Z2 t0 o. I6 b8 TIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
& n+ d# y' b* z- Xsmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
6 ?$ Z$ H! \' L2 D0 F5 p- ?That is enough.7 E( k, B6 t! d9 }4 p
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
/ D1 [; Q6 N& ~; yfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
! s6 x+ X) h2 ~' ^* q/ Lthe same as my missing.$ ?! [( a" C& [1 L* ]2 R  N% h2 Q
It comes a little bit of verdure.
! Y  C# Q! ?$ T* e2 HIf, If some day I can touch your hand, - z) N9 ^- |3 y. c8 x0 z6 `
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
0 j7 Y" ]9 r  [Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.! C3 x2 Q& U+ Z/ o  J3 U, k
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
8 |/ `# q$ }: M4 iAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,& E& p; }! q! F3 k
then I will have all care and ardor.9 N/ D* B6 m/ E& @: i( }! J
Shall we walk arm in arm?
& }/ e4 U9 T& ^+ F& k5 ^呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* R$ n, v3 l1 {) W4 E9 aLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
" l, C$ |  I  t& w' q, F2 dI am still the same person of yesterday.
2 w0 ^: |( D. y7 Y+ `2 c" y0 PUnchanged name, unchanged I.' O9 k# L' P$ y
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. 5 V, s8 B1 M6 P5 \/ {, A( X& D
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
+ z! Z. D7 V! QMore or less,- v( B+ Z# }, _1 x( M
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.$ ]  j: `2 ~8 {8 [, a, J0 C
& S5 t- ?( X8 X* T& {6 I+ \9 p: x
Summer easily slips away
: N$ t% O0 n2 r3 l1 J/ GThose long lost hot nights
: T, u+ c; P/ n can only be found in the old days.
4 ?" p% B. u+ g0 _$ Q$ `6 P! V6 c! W
Cats jumping over the window sills,
/ R; t! T- y/ j# B/ I5 Achasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
4 Y: E: d8 p5 s1 C9 c$ l3 z* C/ h$ WGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
. Y* _$ B1 H. ILeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
" B; p; q* r+ C9 R; ]% zI am still the same person of yesterday.
% C  y# q: l/ m  X; DUnchanged name, unchange ...
3 k+ y7 l; v: G; M
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
/ q/ i" [6 M7 ~  z- }* E- t4 ~Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.3 T. D1 k6 q5 w( s8 K+ H
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.8 r- Y$ }& n# ?% P2 B9 j3 O" [
I am still the same person of yesterday.4 B- E! E7 |4 G3 C3 P) M
Unchanged name, unchange ...
- x$ B; l- ]9 C, g* ]0 |
i like it.
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