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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,% g1 q* \+ e2 A8 f2 I. F1 V8 u% @
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
; o! a7 o# u% A零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . ! l. V) q( L( d
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
- e0 |" b7 u' i9 @  z/ J3 W/ {梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
: @! N3 y& u) n. `; [眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.$ Y6 b4 g/ j% K8 ?
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
% V) e' j5 V/ x. R8 Z2 a猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
' W- a! e4 G) e$ x4 B8 \3 v就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.2 \8 l" O  {, A8 [# g8 X+ s! V
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及  S1 O6 D1 O- l
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。5 C5 g, q& p( C# ^  \
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
6 v6 z; L+ N+ G2 \2 q昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.+ V& o6 e1 ]2 R
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
# D$ J  W" p7 B  n, J最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. # X+ a  C2 l6 [6 u
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?- v$ E& b/ D, S, R. S$ S5 ^4 D
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.& v' f, g0 d/ Z7 N, R; z, V
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
3 _+ ^" b" H# Z# R/ \' n最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
4 L& h0 @! X7 k& z6 Z+ e, b5 w6 A多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
9 o. X3 {3 w/ zWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
/ d, J- g1 G: ^! u! W9 e% Z多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously. t& a6 F( U0 t8 T; f
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
7 {6 p  [$ d1 a多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 7 B# X+ q. ~5 t$ ~. R* J' _7 g3 b/ v
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?2 y, n" I  s) A  h
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!3 a- ]0 _. N% t* f
永难平息的泪1 Y! p. `  U' G
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
* Z, m  }& d  T5 v4 f! X~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
2 Q" [0 A( m0 p- Q/ X0 g当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.# s9 v; @3 ?6 |0 C
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
% B+ l3 l# }& G2 L你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul 3 f, d0 T1 j3 a# o! @
一抹微笑;
# H' I6 c7 w5 j& R) v一个手势;, ~- d( s* E) {, M
一片话语,
) R! F4 L0 D  r/ u( o4 z愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
- K7 p* A& O9 T) W  z" w明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
, `, C/ m9 f, L$ u2 Z- o1 Q% X心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.) D; _8 v( f, D" C0 h
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
/ X4 U; d6 R; J也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..6 N  \! A1 [) L# C; S2 q7 G$ n
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
3 P* ?+ ]# q& N1 y0 k我并不以为然。
; g5 u8 \1 X# L: N" a+ x  ~可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed / T- _7 u& Q7 N/ Q2 i, Z; j+ ?
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .. z8 Z6 [# W8 p8 u2 F7 C# v
被一种情绪所左右,8 W) b; K  @5 r5 S* K
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .# A& r+ `* U$ }# W
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you% l" H" u/ F6 A* r. ^7 ^
也不问我是否喜欢你,
9 L( W) p( r0 I" h" e对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
, Z1 Y3 h8 e  E% H3 l+ a只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
) I% k' f* v3 p# s' j5 n: C/ d9 Z3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you9 O0 ^; |. i! a' k8 m8 M& E
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
- w- i& I  F$ ~6 T3 G8 V然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere % U$ ~6 M7 I8 Z
你的身影已化成一种氛围,- ~5 W7 u- R7 u6 f$ C; f2 w* y
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
, a* b0 \3 S+ x7 W+ x5 ~你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
5 [! ?+ b' y1 F$ l1 C" \# |随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
+ C, W, w: I1 X- |! z' l$ v5 M6 z' I哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
: z& v2 l- `' E3 k* x一种声音,and your voice
, c! ~  d1 N- A' G! u, z& y4 C- x也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
6 [5 D) k; q& A$ m1 z" v掺杂著幸福的感觉。
- }  H1 W/ Y2 ^; i与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land' a2 l( J6 H" V# d- Y* X/ _
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,& M3 x' N0 D: ^
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
* ^4 a3 Q. }0 X5 g纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
# G9 V% ]4 O, {# C7 M* R你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss0 N/ R4 ~4 _/ C4 M7 f* @
有一个能够让思念的人," Y- Z7 w6 }  K, C) C
其实也是一种幸福。
# D2 J6 O  c' V4 x尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
: M2 j! B% n" _: H9 @! G4 A柔柔的海风,- D3 c; Y4 [+ E
甜甜的夏天。
  _2 u  ]  X1 U: M一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
; W1 |, u5 k0 o, i! }只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.6 V9 s6 S# z+ J2 B- t% T/ H
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
' v1 w9 h8 K/ }7 @  }想和你有共同的情结,8 K8 U: K( A/ C) [! Y7 \7 R% a
共同的心愿。
* z5 C- Z7 ]( ]7 Z) G% a0 d. ?3 c7 a  N4 R8 @# ^* Q, q+ I

: ?' E% x3 v0 N4 v% F) ~3 c好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
8 u* ]8 E7 w2 e8 a7 ~( T$ ^一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
& b1 Z( |3 r1 y$ J7 k' \或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 4 W9 a2 m* q! t, t
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.1 @5 ~$ g# N6 L& d8 ~4 ]
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
. b# \* M8 l  ]& b$ w3 i我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, ; L! V) Z: s# r+ |0 G
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”4 a! {9 c5 c9 y7 d# E" g0 y
或是轻轻的一吻,
/ w8 m1 m" G/ X% U9 }! l$ m再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
. k0 J/ S8 x" g; M( u& ^就足够了. That is enough.
+ n4 F" H% F6 R- X0 E5 h7 X: n' V9 n这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 1 t# p* I) |: g& k# z1 X) _- w, e
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.: h/ x$ u9 o2 h) D1 h' E
萌出了芽,
7 |; d: i$ }4 y: g' N  s- J& {一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
. B  ^3 ?) X! Z9 T& P2 T浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.6 x6 A" v1 }% L1 k
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
6 i' D8 D7 ^/ A5 q2 \5 ]能够牵著你的手,
( ~/ j/ T- @8 E那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
$ W- E! J3 l* n6 G让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. . _, p7 b7 G* `1 X
慢慢地细读,2 @9 v* K; a7 l* c3 S1 }- c& [
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. + ]# v( Z; b$ S' f
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 5 z- S7 G( {) A7 ?: T; u9 Z! S
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
( v2 \, ?. [3 D: F就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
3 i) ~8 _! c, k2 D现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
+ c0 y, [9 n8 a. B+ J, K眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
3 f0 {) c& ~/ d$ u/ N5 c& Vchange to:lacked, [7 q$ X' c" A* |
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
& z0 Z' z0 `4 m6 y  F& aCats often played at the whole hot night.& Z: p% s$ D( r3 j
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
/ H: Y9 D* T6 ~5 k! s改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.& J" e0 f( T. I+ U" j: `
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. # u+ `$ P5 {) w! u
该为:throughyour hands.
! V" o$ l8 `+ Q% ~' E还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
( k$ r1 _# y' W9 B不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
6 C" S, g5 ?8 `, }7 u$ h0 i至少比我强。% y, K3 z8 e& u
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... : P' r' f9 u4 \9 n: K
7 u1 B9 p+ ~0 X& E% R* O; C$ A$ R1 m+ [
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
6 h/ z6 j. j7 x后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
( q8 n. r3 v% C谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
9 z$ O9 q9 V& F' a; K前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
2 }, c& Q/ ?1 P1 J* \Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.# Z. H% ?8 W) q6 \
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
+ k9 d  u2 x( \2 f Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
- D/ R2 l; q* g) K: O3 ]2 qThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
" N1 z& b& F, W; oSeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
2 P4 i7 G; }' J% e* HSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:* C2 i6 M( |4 s  o7 H
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
* s8 \- q/ J4 ?9 v  Q7 qlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.4 l8 E0 n8 z6 z1 a  c
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.4 H) X* K6 x& W' R  N3 n0 S
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
1 @6 E) S, R0 M1 s+ Z, n  H# SThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
( l( d5 p3 U/ F3 ~I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
$ N! V2 l' J6 a- t( rI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.2 E4 e$ {0 G0 [
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
/ X5 h2 C( e" P' _2 q8 F( U0 g4 A  IIntoxicated then feel cold,* j$ U& h9 R0 X: K/ U
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
' X0 D, a' {0 l* Y* Z8 f  B& ^$ X8 aI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
$ t7 d- A+ _' ]. QThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
9 R1 u! ^5 j& u* [Why I am always hoodwinked!5 H/ @+ F% P$ y' L' {/ t
I have told myself many times cautiously
/ L4 H2 F  y  w) E" Cdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.6 W3 I! V0 V3 P
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.$ Y9 ]2 ]0 t+ d: n+ N
Why can`t I take it easy?
- }0 b& g1 i9 U& M6 h: I. XHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
" r6 ]4 i4 r  J' v. g" E; G/ Z; o1 uWhen the quiet night comes; ~4 d! k( ~$ A7 E6 P& v6 L) u; |
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.% i( H! G* B  }
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
+ n+ t; v  z3 l2 F5 O% sYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
3 [' w9 N; k# H/ J2 tlight the dark corner in my mind.
6 x5 [. T4 k- ^$ D$ o- RI feel a bit of cozy.( y! y6 q* _3 V! R/ U4 s  ^
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
; C7 T5 Y% s, n) V: M2 m  i- Wmaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.% T; m4 \9 f' {! g' W6 T& L
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
2 a8 l# N& [; y. g" h/ K5 zbut accompanying with the time passed* s: l' R, d4 |' Q% R3 ]
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
( z8 g, e/ j  J* ~; C+ h/ qalways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
' k7 ?. ?* L5 i) lWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
6 {3 t% k- V' sonly feel gracious for your existing,' [; F- y2 V" c! s/ m2 f" z2 H
onlt want to do something for you.
5 T) @9 S5 t; L+ i* _* OEvery time when you meet me
$ q9 n/ I& l' ^6 mthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
" h2 D/ {, `% K. ]0 |7 P: abut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere, |3 v( U( o( Q" U+ L6 v% z
That live in my heart.
% h+ @  m+ H2 P) C( s/ [' \: xDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?( f& e/ j" ?" w' x9 V3 X! s' Z) h
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
, h! p8 E: H7 l- Umake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
# L# `) X0 Y& H! wThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
' r! A* m$ W* @0 S: M) osuddenly flurry that all are the love to you." _& x0 N6 ]: K# W
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
4 P/ d+ W' H! C4 }& M9 {: qespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
5 [% F+ S+ n4 t8 f: BSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
- g7 ]7 G" W" U: Q, i1 konly waiting for you quietly0 r/ V" ^$ F2 |) O6 ^: }3 g
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 a1 i1 m3 X) i3 kI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
( c3 m+ [6 `& s! J% r) y9 Uand enjoy the rain washing together
* K6 K4 z; c* r2 g- R+ \1 G9 Qor rush to a film' C3 h9 S* g/ H' @" d
or listen to a music quietly.
7 H9 o% ?& m7 W+ bWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?% t* M! D* y( C& e1 Z+ m
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,+ p; Y" p& c4 F- P5 C& Z! t
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
: P3 e( e6 S, z1 n, [That is enough.
, d  b' l$ e' I$ ~7 ]# ^Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,3 Q: S  s' d" b( O
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,: N# F3 |+ [: ?! O
the same as my missing.% m- @3 e2 C: Z- t( G6 I! U# t
It comes a little bit of verdure.
1 U" i" N1 U( u2 p$ W  _If, If some day I can touch your hand, ) G8 z+ W/ H8 q  w4 V, e( ?6 Y
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
3 H' f) z7 L8 C! m. }" FLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.
$ |, {: r( m4 J) V0 K" ^. W# mI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
) Y3 d, u5 W* q$ @3 |) f& kAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,3 n/ }; h% Y* W0 U
then I will have all care and ardor.& B2 q5 s% n7 D1 s0 p/ e3 y; S* G
Shall we walk arm in arm?
) Y9 l8 I7 j9 v+ i5 E, B呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
# P6 H  h8 ]: V! `+ ]Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
, t1 C6 h* W! ]( o; lI am still the same person of yesterday.2 J4 H/ C9 P0 f4 P
Unchanged name, unchanged I.6 `" ^5 B7 X' ?* f/ Q
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
& j4 }# |7 t: \$ U' U& ~& O( GLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
: \' a+ ]; c" x! s. sMore or less,( Y8 s6 ~2 [, g8 \# q. A
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.% R1 ^/ U0 v- ?# d% X1 `+ I
) C7 f0 K% f/ [4 Y
Summer easily slips away
: Q0 ~  V) h6 S' {. Q2 y5 XThose long lost hot nights3 ~. z. [* q  L7 u$ b% n
can only be found in the old days.
, r; d; d+ k) M1 G( K! K' O* \! w& M" A# K( @! w' z
Cats jumping over the window sills, & F5 }# v  o+ c5 l; }
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . y. ~( Y* _4 h- k
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ j8 e' R: z1 i# w+ U9 y/ Q
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.' f, h, _% d6 }, Y( X- h# Q
I am still the same person of yesterday.( A  n" H- o! o% _. a( d) J3 q2 ~
Unchanged name, unchange ...
) y1 m! ~# F0 W0 D% n! J( ~, p
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 $ X- j" t. i: x3 U
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
7 Z# o; S$ Y) P& L. t" z8 BLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.) P2 W; P8 Q7 s; ^$ m( L- j3 e
I am still the same person of yesterday.) u; N; ?* m' S
Unchanged name, unchange ...

& i" ^4 `, V+ l2 |1 E0 ei like it.
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