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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
  o/ x' |, s3 m, i0 O0 L8 b,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ! k' ^; z* R* {, [
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
  V3 n" K% O% O6 G1 s( F0 l现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.6 x2 Z7 u( G. }4 a3 P7 W1 l- z( F; ~
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
+ v; m2 ]* L& k8 {& a; m眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.+ b1 C2 k1 ?8 ]0 B0 k" R+ ]
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.6 z7 A8 o  I, g3 G
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.0 t, Z, S; z; W8 w, K0 c5 k% G: `
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.7 R5 u( d6 S- e% b% p3 v
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
$ ~: ?. c; I4 V0 E  y% v那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
" u! M! u  G- c% b- E世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.5 `' Z0 ?0 ]+ ]$ H, I1 L  \5 s5 `
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.* b, r# Z+ C5 B  }' p( Y# X
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
! T2 T' Z4 ]& P6 z) O最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 9 n0 m, i6 I8 r3 Q) X
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?0 X+ Z0 H, J3 I, F. a1 M7 k0 s
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.7 l! s4 ~; c7 L$ {9 L
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.3 ?( Q9 u/ n4 K/ R6 V7 @7 r
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
1 ^* B6 x- g+ E3 |4 a" Q/ [多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
6 I, c; \+ ?8 A' `Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….6 C2 O6 Y; ?7 y5 L
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously4 s* F& C/ m* k/ e
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
4 l+ i9 V0 ]# `2 j, r. C0 E多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 2 ?3 R  y  z" `" J0 O# P4 t4 z
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?, v" z4 A3 j1 H8 Y
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
  L; a. E* b, W" e" T0 O6 Q0 k永难平息的泪
9 R( D, U# [0 y) [6 n6 A+ Y每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes6 H! x3 \( E. o+ F( @7 o
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.# k7 f8 @9 d2 x; p
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably./ a8 Z0 u) o$ L- S! T9 C
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,9 n( f- |3 V/ E7 I* X, L7 e1 _
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
6 b* x( [6 E5 o一抹微笑;
  v# V0 K8 t: V/ T$ \一个手势;
( v3 g, i" N3 M. V' ?一片话语,8 D, V, j9 p$ d# Y
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
5 P0 h( F6 ~2 z- @6 L* _5 z! ^明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner9 T0 q; W8 B$ N( s* O
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
2 c% ]9 z  o+ a2 r* w& G+ D# a这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling& G: Y9 N6 j$ V
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..3 \5 d3 t$ |% O9 P
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,  \) Y# L9 a4 `- d6 O3 b* Q4 s+ U7 R
我并不以为然。
' R" [  z( M, L" g$ ~! Q6 U/ K可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
' z& E- L: s5 A+ s慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
8 }- l! {5 M- x$ x- c被一种情绪所左右,
& \1 U( S9 p7 d9 q, T- e/ ~总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
! T/ p9 x/ x) ~即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you; y$ ]1 h+ f/ |
也不问我是否喜欢你,$ u0 H' [, v8 ]% i0 r0 u
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
8 ?. j! ]3 t5 t3 U2 z' i只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
( G  M- Q- A- t$ p% O3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
  X5 R8 ?( g7 \  _: V心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
5 I; g3 i& P/ G0 V6 Z5 v  v然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ! v( H/ w  w  S8 B9 {
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
; h9 J6 `3 s2 g5 H记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.  w; V3 v" F3 m8 B& E3 J! {
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 8 x8 N1 t" u) J
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
3 E9 i- K2 @, c& a+ l哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,2 B5 N4 ?1 E7 i& a  i
一种声音,and your voice
6 a* K( B7 Z* e& i7 |* S! ~. w也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.# k4 c9 B8 M! ^3 a3 H
掺杂著幸福的感觉。1 A" ?5 Y/ Z7 A/ e# i/ C8 j
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
( @! m' a& e0 v9 {+ p$ z0 O象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
! l0 ^/ I; G: ?1 w倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
! f6 T' \0 q7 c8 t$ r1 Z纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。( u% C0 p% a2 C8 M! e& U
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss: ^1 K9 }% y" R2 J0 y
有一个能够让思念的人,, k% g9 ^% |1 f8 X+ m6 m; R1 J( Q
其实也是一种幸福。- k5 L8 x( [$ Z. J+ {& |  E
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ' k; z+ }, \' h; D4 S9 U
柔柔的海风,$ \7 z: X; P+ m& i
甜甜的夏天。
3 u( Q) C* {6 C) n" a: N( L一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
+ h  ~0 |0 d5 y只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
2 _+ C0 w/ `* Y5 b" D仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
' F; v4 h  U* a1 L想和你有共同的情结,: E  |! g( O2 @3 N" G. e" i
共同的心愿。% O/ b2 N0 z5 o3 k* r+ @2 j

/ D4 A! W& `/ q# L$ p  f/ I& Y- T
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you7 ~2 z4 t7 c" W0 s3 }6 Q7 _8 n2 C5 N
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
2 a9 p' B, g) D$ n! C- H或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film ; c; T0 `" X' R$ @% W8 X& M
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
. _, y% H/ g2 H) s" j『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?, S  \$ |  @' [$ X, Q5 x! J
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
) v7 L# N/ u- _% I5 S" x浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
( u9 L- Z: e5 Q7 q( p) p或是轻轻的一吻,+ G, k% ]9 B7 `! B# T# j& J
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
9 g: _4 n+ H# x# t* x2 g- y就足够了. That is enough.9 p% v" e" D! s4 j
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! $ d, t* X- I; J1 b0 T
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.3 G  K1 {* Z  k2 ~% l
萌出了芽,
6 }! e5 r" k6 y! d8 F一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
  p9 ]( c; p% F: _浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
2 A' `3 z. m1 D如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
# G+ I7 v" F) I" T4 R& S能够牵著你的手,& r) P$ J, N! R7 V/ H' J& A
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely." l) c- \- M1 I: G9 W
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. ; t) b7 }' b8 V( A2 ]0 u. A
慢慢地细读,
- f8 D7 _6 [) M0 A/ n我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 7 Z2 ?; w2 q( z
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me + e) C+ X' S2 O' a/ q. A
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
/ z+ S8 K  j7 g3 ?# t! I就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
; v# ^$ ~( ?- L7 R现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
. G8 z2 @- G# h& Y眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
' y, }. N% J, S  cchange to:lacked
) s" v5 E( S; k7 P3 D猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
4 g/ r! e) Z" O9 P% _! A( ACats often played at the whole hot night.# T4 }0 M3 m- Y/ \
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
9 N4 E  }9 r7 d8 X' z' x改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
, ^: @4 s3 Y; u/ w  _I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. % {: i) s' o4 ^- W4 y
该为:throughyour hands.7 b0 d6 Q8 H: B
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
  c% v0 d0 p- @6 o6 c% o- b不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。' r5 V' F3 V! V- C! \
至少比我强。: e6 d8 c2 R: z
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 4 X; e2 u% {9 _- S% s4 p2 w9 U

" e& `, u3 K) g8 m这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
; E/ g1 A0 B* ~2 w7 Q后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.; H7 E! Z# v2 @. V; o0 E7 J6 Y
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.6 U( K2 M: X) U& ]6 }4 o" V
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
$ M8 j: b& G" b; d% T8 F0 e  DEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
* k8 H; E. d+ c# W$ [, g1 c8 M/ s  i) KPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
- ?, y% Y. F/ ?( C% f5 L, C! K9 z Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.) r# c, P% E; ]$ O+ a% e/ @0 w
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.  V( n# E# D3 g$ P: Y( ]! D
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
! H! o" O8 f$ C  U0 ISummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:, Q" ~! C4 a+ q1 z. C+ M& k
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
( q9 z/ s8 W: B. g1 E9 Clike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
$ H2 w  @. Y9 h7 [6 }8 ~: cI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming./ n% [# k/ B' }
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.% U7 [7 R3 y/ v0 n
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
7 [# J( B8 S  `I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
$ U  C( W3 z5 }1 [9 o% E" N7 S; [I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
/ q$ u" q3 h% D9 n! qIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?9 U6 z$ L3 |: f3 @! D8 Z
Intoxicated then feel cold,
3 o& L& \8 @( m! Vthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
" Y* Q2 b# ^; J% y& A- ^I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
; {- s- B: y# D2 _The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
- A" s- Q# s# l& i1 D$ mWhy I am always hoodwinked!
9 {" E6 r8 w3 N' _3 h( e$ U& ]: L1 BI have told myself many times cautiously 9 L6 k1 k7 s5 R9 v# w% i
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig." O: _' G; ~0 `% g2 r! m; |) n
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
+ j# K4 j5 U8 s: `) E* mWhy can`t I take it easy?. P/ d, \& x5 t0 \+ ]  Q
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!/ \( u4 P- n% Q' H  p4 W
When the quiet night comes
) F) k2 j6 ?* J2 byour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
) O$ X2 d/ ]7 n) b. Y, n  R8 Q9 {The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.% U3 K" P* k& D0 e; m9 k* }
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,7 L9 `1 h, e2 E: ^1 n
light the dark corner in my mind.
; e. _# ~& W0 P. NI feel a bit of cozy.$ k! C7 N4 _9 T* P! E
The deep attached to you in a twinkling1 {7 F* b, [" d8 p6 {* n, y
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
" R( [; L: a. \% g- Y3 b2 aI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
: a: E; P2 M7 I+ ebut accompanying with the time passed: h3 p* I2 u! g8 U" P" Q6 z3 J/ Y$ u$ \
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,* v) U1 [9 a$ Z: V# C9 }; p6 g0 }
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.$ [, v7 j2 o8 h& B$ `
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
! m) q+ T, B7 A4 W7 Sonly feel gracious for your existing,0 |" h4 I9 P8 b" d. u7 Z1 a
onlt want to do something for you.  m9 @3 ]7 I- H" A
Every time when you meet me
* A' C- s# M* S1 tthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,4 z: A! O$ Z2 T  W, B( F
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
( }8 M; \5 ]& {4 hThat live in my heart.
' U" b4 b( s) A, ^8 f3 DDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
3 r) H9 I" U# w: jEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
/ }' s' Q5 T/ R& J) tmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.  ]5 |# e  q  t/ l
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land* M$ W( g5 H& x. C
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
+ H* f8 k. O$ X( a# sDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,  a; Q3 ]+ K7 J# F6 y! }
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
$ Y) e2 h  d) h1 `  dSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
- u; q. V* U( B' `1 M2 |# r% |only waiting for you quietly( U  D. C, d  X$ n5 v; c
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
% }- c6 h9 M: g# k+ L2 O) _I really want to ramble in the small rain with you , h* {5 l) o7 d+ y
and enjoy the rain washing together8 z+ L- q' ?  k& E; k
or rush to a film! C5 x2 i; C2 P6 R- U0 q
or listen to a music quietly.5 c# D+ a3 I$ J; t2 N
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
* }' u: ~; M* [& N4 ^If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,* C7 Q' K* a- W" k
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".! ?. W* ]  D. S' V9 j+ m
That is enough.
  `3 N$ q3 l% ]% H% s, {! JMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
: K6 Y" X5 w7 e* e$ v4 F% Qfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,) [5 _' p1 M- _3 p( j
the same as my missing.. e" E2 ^: {  c8 n2 F, t8 I3 K
It comes a little bit of verdure.
$ v5 g0 }; V9 R- C5 F" g2 }0 w8 `5 zIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
5 {: v1 L1 Z5 x: _6 `7 athen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
8 d( G3 r8 }' [7 C: X: cLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.! M  j4 O/ T* o; y
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
4 S" T5 L. x4 _8 x% EAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,0 y; j/ \. ^$ K
then I will have all care and ardor.
4 E5 R: [; w# u. `3 _; vShall we walk arm in arm?
1 `0 v, A9 i% v: J呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
; E3 J, [' C  M; y% Y( H5 \Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
7 j2 C8 Q: N& D: q0 L6 s. fI am still the same person of yesterday.
) u! K& H  S& ]( w$ PUnchanged name, unchanged I.) u; Z" a9 T8 I) n4 j- `* r: g/ l
Same messy hair, same shaggy bag. / ]/ P1 d* ]2 o* x6 d
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk./ d3 H/ V& t/ f8 N
More or less,! g/ D' M' @# v4 x
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
; a0 D1 M5 i' s7 d5 i0 @; `0 e- R2 Y& u& T
Summer easily slips away$ j  C+ A0 X; |* R6 C  p3 }. `
Those long lost hot nights4 M7 C( \( n, @( c! S- R; ]
can only be found in the old days. # Z+ U6 F' e; Q; i' A2 w
! S! G3 }. h& s$ C* C
Cats jumping over the window sills, 4 c; v* ^. H' \
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表   v4 @" I  M& K
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
' Z3 i) T# i8 U5 u( U( k7 \# ?8 mLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
; S0 _: F% x9 A; d# Y" [I am still the same person of yesterday.
/ j& ^( n+ T: y* x4 bUnchanged name, unchange ...
9 s+ E0 A# o, q4 T+ I; p& \
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 3 e, T1 \# Q+ g8 E# E
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.& _; ~& e6 a  j2 z5 J- _- I
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.( U% }0 l9 o: H% h0 B* S) j: [
I am still the same person of yesterday.
. w$ n7 ^) b1 j# o8 ZUnchanged name, unchange ...
0 t2 G/ t$ ?" ^3 I9 [
i like it.
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