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Dress Code:
1 E# o1 n& q1 n* f1 y$ _1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 7 ?2 d8 `6 M5 l; [ I6 h
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. # f9 A) ?: J9 Q1 r1 L! f& D
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
% t2 K+ O d8 {$ U! S6 c4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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3 u; f0 }' m, f; r7 V3 GSick Days: - U8 K# s. J1 Z* F% n% J' ], P
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. $ G& W# T. A' y
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Personal Days: H0 O# ~, j; m( c0 J
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. . { P7 A+ a, x+ ~& |
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Bereavement Leave:
+ j; V5 G7 p" V6 M' w2 k1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. 9 n4 d8 V/ ^% b# I: A+ C
2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. 3 ^8 N6 r9 u+ Q, e4 o0 R
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon. ( a0 Q u# ?& u( I
4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
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: V# o# u9 s. a+ b# QBathroom Breaks: 2 K- J* [: R- U$ r$ c
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. 7 l6 u }! V1 L: O2 a: C6 s& J5 }3 m% M
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
9 x0 n0 u5 C& j3 ?! Y z+ m. m2 `3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
/ d( v$ A; [( t5 c7 {% b: e4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
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1 n9 i, H2 c7 V6 `$ O: K% y& I5 i' B$ BLunch Break:
2 C# G5 J w1 ~1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. . [) z8 L5 M c. m
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. : |+ D4 Q# }1 o- k! h. N% {) n# W
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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& r5 M0 [# B: e/ E- OThe Management
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Pass this on to all who are employed. |
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