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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
$ ?& u1 V6 I; W0 d! t4 K
1 E% _- K+ E. e" t* L& Q* s  C" TI fell in love with you
) N* E& f1 [% x7 n6 W$ ^) V: [$ uAt the first week we met8 x* V; [: F5 C# D- C) S4 }9 \, O

% w; \( Z- G* C7 \$ ~) sYou have charm, you have looks
- ~) _8 p% s2 F9 Lwith full of pimples in face8 ~1 u; M3 {' j8 Q5 l- e7 a
As spotting sky at a summer night: f8 @2 G! Z" i) a8 i4 j
They are shining stars! b$ q) e6 I" Q& E* {3 R
2 ]/ S" C) j- W, H+ ~1 m
Your lip is so big4 J! w6 e" O. k& a
And that’s good for a kiss
. Y6 b. a& [- jYour body is chubby
* {  ?, r' F+ v& s9 V% eAnd that is good for sex8 X3 S9 K+ o8 z. B) j  M, f& {  ]

! m6 G0 i- o* b4 Q# bI was deeply in love
! |, }9 F9 t# uEverything from you is positive! ]1 ?% D# d" y  @' Z
You blame me everything and everyday
- t+ T/ r9 t4 M5 O. f! SAnd I think all girls sound like
& ^  X6 ~( q# u4 S' {
: N# m+ f" {# H; t, q6 E  Y  Y# TYou could not stand my eating) s* l' x5 R- e8 d* @
Saying no good for making funny sound
/ p& O# \6 `/ z. I& nI think you are perfectly right  q  M0 r* n2 a' [* t' u! l
Eating with sound is a pig
. q" O3 }3 S# \( M. l
- F* ^9 |: j* r4 r+ V" LI fell in love with you . F. l# U/ i1 ]0 F; Q- L5 [
Become a fool to think) `9 g; n7 M6 E2 u) b* r
All trouble things you did
9 P1 l7 H, z  S. ]. T0 N0 RAnd that is the price for love: {, w# s9 W+ H8 D% r; K6 C

) n6 r9 @& k% O& Pyou are deeply in love1 C7 _7 |  w# Y7 H5 P. J; H
Everything from me is negative" C- _; H' Q( }9 n
"My man should be like this,$ q% ~$ M& U6 P
and I am helping you to improve'
+ t0 ~9 e! \$ ^  D. }
3 ]2 s# a6 e. s6 \0 IYou are loving me
6 p- o: n+ T/ L' F4 U: hor that one in your mind?
( K0 Q0 q& g! v. i" ^$ ]. L& cMy mind is like a mud, Q. t8 z/ B- E5 ^" l- C) ]$ q
can be shaped whatever you want
: _; j$ g4 ?, o; @2 h+ q+ t+ _/ Y+ N; E7 v  ?9 @
unfortunalety not my heart
0 ~/ }2 E+ j3 w2 Q  H( b; d. WIt is slashed by you $ h0 A( D/ T) K$ S: D" L
and I am seriously hurt. Y2 l! a( G' ~6 D- W

: N6 F7 Y" u/ c( u& E: u& JI will never love another ) \, V, n: g# {* H
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
. B( A( e9 ~  q, Nmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
1 v/ \( \3 M1 P. n+ P5 |

; y* ?- t0 _$ j: H% [咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!9 R0 U/ \, }' P. m5 F
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ; f" _& S9 j: U4 Y% M8 ~
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
! S7 B0 N/ _8 LAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
" H3 o! U/ ^# u* i; y8 R1 B% u9 a6 w" O) b% X
with the charm,. Q1 @* m7 i9 i4 o! p+ p
with the simles.
5 g0 _1 p0 W0 `" L  k; H! p0 ZI fell in love with you # F0 Z+ z0 Y' {9 [) v
In the first sign.7 ^, K  }! ~4 q( M4 Y! v% i
As spotting sky at a summer
$ T8 V& a! G& Z4 {$ z
0 ?0 x4 G2 H- B; o9 gYour lip is so soft + Q6 i- L& q+ y! A* V
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
" I: P$ M0 D' s- N' _Your body is so sexy
0 W- S( C% F. M+ C$ Z& L' {And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.9 B6 D: l+ F  Z; l, B  o) y

. i  L$ I' N4 T( E5 Q. FI am deeply in love
8 P' s+ x7 Z0 u9 `4 z9 L# l! P/ JEverything from you is so charming. s1 {+ F' f# n& n5 D
although You r so picky for me 8 b& o5 p' p3 V8 q0 M8 P
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
2 F. H6 Z8 L% WBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem( n% ?  _# y! C0 O
/ ]& {5 ?" z& u1 l& ^1 m' o+ A& Q8 [. Y% d

: V0 O' |9 }  b" m# ~7 c9 jHis hello is the end of her endings
: f, W7 Z: y( a0 l1 NHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle! Q+ ^7 F- v# N& k/ K8 J
His hand would be hers to hold forever
" y- @1 Z' q) h  Z/ ]  P- cHis forever is simply as her smile
" z$ i2 N( r) S+ D% N& |$ x! PHe said she was what was missing
$ C- ~' \' Q9 m+ nShe said instantly she knew8 C9 x4 a  [( C0 b# s
She was a question to be answered/ x8 _, }  ]  p( ~
And his answer is , O7 N, A0 `% [# |. p. U( {6 P
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas( U" K- w8 T5 i& H# }% ^

- E* v2 s5 [" d, k: oBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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It's amazing how I felt 3 X' n+ W5 G5 m8 T6 S$ y! r- |
when I was with you$ Q* M0 r9 e  \" f
My heart beat so fast3 s- `! F5 Z. Y3 i! k' S1 E
I looked at you and thought
9 K2 P* p5 X8 ~' m% j: nHoly Jesus, you were so cute9 E' n4 q6 Q, U4 q8 A0 c
* ^7 D7 \+ s4 Y- h2 v
You left me without a word
! F6 r) W& U5 T  d& AI have nothing except my emptiness
/ V; ^1 Q% v7 _! G9 ]& L! @My mood is like a cloud
( N9 e& e% k, J- ^( `How could it be dispersed?1 Q) h7 ?" i7 Q1 v1 p0 @5 l
& \% Y$ |% L, K4 v/ f7 x  G/ \
Feelings bite my heart
% b6 |3 E0 I& Z& m9 n3 |# l! d* P" UYou are the right one I wait1 b  x, u) `( i, t% b
In the depth of my soul
. \, ]. V0 i  }/ S! q  DI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ b# h4 y7 F! P你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道: p' J4 o4 O0 o8 w! z
就和用中文写一次+ F1 _: U) C8 c3 G# J9 P% ]; s
阿,我爱你# F/ R9 B2 m. P+ B6 h% c4 l; x. h
你让我心跳好快
8 I3 C  c" T- I' k0 X9 G" m, [3 u你让我脸发热3 _8 o6 O1 z- [+ w
我爱上你的大嘴唇& g+ R3 _( g* T6 ]9 u% V
XXXXX
4 t! b7 `  g% K# _$ j8 l, ?) T不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
7 z6 J" S9 [; d) a6 S% O) ?7 I7 j" a' j% n
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER, @4 z( u/ @! b: D
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 + i% m2 I' d% _' d: t
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( U6 _, y# G. d3 ?8 ~2 W* ~+ k你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" j7 s9 i8 q% b就和用中文写一次
" [% t" L, L& d- t+ A0 Y' z阿,我爱你1 n. A. d' t: g5 f4 k- f5 y
你让我心跳好快
9 w1 e7 n; \1 U/ g0 a5 I8 z你让我脸发热
% {; ^! S3 [& ~; \7 W我爱上你的大嘴唇
! d5 @" F1 t7 N  M2 Y2 sXXXXX& ^* v4 F  v# _. T+ ], H
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
& D, D- C) Q9 T
- K& X* C' h8 J  d$ Z
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
( d; _, H6 a7 d
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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