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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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" [7 @6 C& X+ y* k0 C3 O9 }I fell in love with you
0 M3 F" q- q5 {7 o$ b" l0 x0 HAt the first week we met) g  `, W- s* U- T& c

2 l! y) c- N6 x% i' i! ^You have charm, you have looks8 B  r1 d' a* c' W/ m  M
with full of pimples in face5 f9 g# o5 c, Y: I; |$ r
As spotting sky at a summer night, q+ S5 ~( P$ q8 u' W  k, J
They are shining stars
* h: y/ o- u/ E9 ?8 v; h1 V, c7 H/ x: t$ ~9 C; p2 q5 w
Your lip is so big
+ c! E# S* d' ZAnd that’s good for a kiss
$ K! F/ h1 w" U8 F0 h+ ~+ \& @Your body is chubby
% V. A, x5 _0 v& F. \And that is good for sex) D) p% K2 S2 a  L+ Q

  B0 P6 S$ w" y9 j1 k, oI was deeply in love
! O. i7 m) w6 h7 b) MEverything from you is positive
5 W- G) o8 w5 {9 h6 v, P% Y. ^You blame me everything and everyday+ [4 ]5 z7 Y0 C
And I think all girls sound like
2 [$ i: K; S! n0 p, w$ \5 O- a( p' K
You could not stand my eating
+ U) d0 r( O: A. M3 L3 L# hSaying no good for making funny sound
" X+ {1 v8 _$ T# X3 I; C, m( J" [I think you are perfectly right( m$ Y+ D5 `% x+ v. _* o3 H
Eating with sound is a pig. f. u! b8 [1 ?3 p& _- s

' |" [: C% f$ M2 L( r7 oI fell in love with you 0 m8 l/ [, n7 K" \! {1 F/ z
Become a fool to think
% J+ `. u/ L; q; B  CAll trouble things you did
5 r% o/ y- d2 nAnd that is the price for love
$ v' U, c9 \0 _( R$ Y1 E  I3 q- X: F$ F6 J" H( ?7 N/ f# i
you are deeply in love* Y$ @+ c( ~8 D% O, _4 J; ^- |
Everything from me is negative, {" O7 i) z1 \, o1 u
"My man should be like this,
: M7 k: t" Y1 T! w; xand I am helping you to improve'9 k0 Y. M: K8 e! I$ Z

2 m/ c. ^) B* g# ^% UYou are loving me $ v! r+ W3 ?  A2 a
or that one in your mind?
; I4 y* W5 s" ~7 i' BMy mind is like a mud! _3 a" ^/ b' `2 @! x
can be shaped whatever you want
/ I" U" @8 r2 S/ k# h+ D4 p% c/ @% s/ Y- \) s: e
unfortunalety not my heart
; G( T/ x' _- I0 oIt is slashed by you
- t: [& K& Q5 ]7 w$ c- dand I am seriously hurt
; ]! t% g/ _- u" K. f+ u  w( ^/ Y1 ^
8 Z6 C1 l$ Z3 a% aI will never love another ) n+ D" b+ w4 E2 J5 X
If my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 3 h; E! P% O6 x9 K1 l  k3 [
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
  s& `8 R. O7 a: l) R  \不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
8 D; R, v/ s+ `; k3 ii am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.0 ]6 \, q" }6 i% L" s! w1 p
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& l$ s+ k) w6 p; ~2 e6 H2 Q( N, s6 [# V$ v
with the charm,( C5 S5 A/ E3 i/ C+ U- ?2 b
with the simles.
5 @" t% Y$ Z7 f& f& E% rI fell in love with you / u( i. \8 s% a
In the first sign.
0 [- H# a, P& P  R& Q& rAs spotting sky at a summer
5 e% u6 \1 M2 S% S: o4 Z! W/ B2 W, e% A/ F7 w+ u" S
Your lip is so soft 2 w1 F, f8 d( P# S! g* t0 o8 W
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss( I% Y' [  [. P
Your body is so sexy) c2 b# O# v& ~# T& T
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
) `7 M8 e, ]9 Q0 X7 M* b; N
+ L* H4 F4 u& pI am deeply in love
7 d7 \" F% [* e" j& I# A& pEverything from you is so charming/ O, u; N! U- ^4 W
although You r so picky for me % M# q8 Q( j$ d" k# t" h
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.; B- V' l1 R: E# ^0 r6 ~" w
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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# a6 b* ]( y. ^) B6 _  p/ `% n$ v
$ H1 ]7 T! C9 I9 Q  b/ p5 zHis hello is the end of her endings- U8 y$ t  h' ?. I0 ^4 G* M6 G6 r
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' a! q/ B( o- q8 K4 B. p- DHis hand would be hers to hold forever
# t' w! X! \. p, H0 {; {His forever is simply as her smile
% Q7 Y% x0 R6 h4 w: @, H8 QHe said she was what was missing
2 E" F8 i! F6 h7 r1 DShe said instantly she knew
" V/ F# J6 m, l2 Y: K  R6 u% aShe was a question to be answered9 @1 L" n- h! E5 a8 S9 w
And his answer is
0 B' X0 y5 o+ j) `I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt0 n# O5 r" e9 _$ I0 I

4 G  p) K$ f: T0 `) w& j, x  FIt's amazing how I felt
% w+ V6 m6 {) u( t6 u' z/ Awhen I was with you3 C3 ~" z: h8 X! I
My heart beat so fast$ y/ P" y5 g9 X
I looked at you and thought# k8 ?6 [% ?/ m# U" b1 ~
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
: F+ S: t) L/ z, H' e; n" \8 G- o. K  F
& g% c8 e$ W4 l: fYou left me without a word
1 j) K3 g' T/ C! ~! F" Z8 R' m, mI have nothing except my emptiness0 _/ g7 E( [! d; G3 |7 m: `: k
My mood is like a cloud
/ q3 R! A# C6 {- @9 `8 L$ AHow could it be dispersed?
4 }' z6 m' q5 D. C
7 ]/ t# J  w, M* M& r3 c. d1 \Feelings bite my heart 2 @3 ?; \, C) }* y  D0 E
You are the right one I wait
( w* i$ [5 _) S; W) w5 y! IIn the depth of my soul
: A" [4 b9 [/ O1 n. wI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美1 e) M+ X6 _3 f( n9 u  Q$ B1 M* t3 c
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
& ~8 c* y, L  u就和用中文写一次$ ^& Y$ }$ f; u" R3 a& J. u
阿,我爱你
; p' j' s, t6 R0 {0 ?3 I你让我心跳好快
. I9 Z" e& j$ f, o# z  D- G你让我脸发热: E- \0 I1 C, j& ~
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ p5 j. r& |  ZXXXXX+ h+ E( \5 K# t5 `
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
* r8 u2 q4 H6 X6 Q8 t
1 {+ G6 ~+ Q0 s0 j如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER2 T& N% K# ?! N7 a8 L
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表   m( M9 t# V- D3 I+ ~% q
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美/ q' ]# T( s  F. X- ^4 a
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# e1 ]6 @: g* G3 u, }7 _就和用中文写一次
8 r; N; V6 u% {; c% W阿,我爱你
# J/ h  o1 g3 V你让我心跳好快5 q; P) s% `% @3 I
你让我脸发热
" }" n8 }1 j  x$ u2 I2 e我爱上你的大嘴唇1 J2 D1 I# ~! p( ^# G2 t
XXXXX
0 t0 x' B" D' @9 h* w/ W# s5 M8 p不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
( u8 ?, I% R0 S& @+ ~

$ i, L  ^% c& n靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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