我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
5 O8 Z: }4 c# `" N1 y
/ n( a1 l  a8 m: |I fell in love with you
  E; W! f. s' ]" {! S" mAt the first week we met
/ x& U/ k! }1 p8 T6 Q4 t: X1 B& B
- g  X( x2 h) [You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
+ m. F# R6 t2 u# V/ }They are shining stars

0 H& |* i: }8 x. V- m. ~1 PYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
" I4 I& z* T/ O# _2 k
I was deeply in love
6 w( ~" H, _! i, |. H2 uEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

( ?* @' O6 w# M' Z/ R3 j6 Y/ yYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
3 r2 h  V; |5 t$ Q8 iI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

1 s, f& ]8 Y$ VI fell in love with you
0 M. h5 k$ g! {4 D, T7 I3 h( H! O' xBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
9 Q( R; t+ G" f. @; o$ J. m  ?' nAnd that is the price for love
5 O- V; p) Y! X6 J5 ~" G6 [
you are deeply in love
. J" m2 P' l7 K/ }$ qEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
/ \7 e8 U; g" L  m5 y( H
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
; Q$ h  T7 M4 Z& v9 d- S. JMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

# C# h% Q; Z2 Funfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

- t# Z+ e) {3 |. U# b. ?I will never love another
" R; n) ^3 p* a+ w2 YIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

3 Z5 n, C% a( s6 o; p* d咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
1 U# D5 j/ N) _* a. Q1 ^- Y( ki am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
+ Y4 q5 K$ P, UAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

3 {* F5 H- H$ a2 t8 q& S5 Cwith the charm,
% S7 Q0 @. N5 M( M/ @% [) A. w( Pwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
* F' ?) u3 E( q
+ x4 z/ _+ O; K# q' Y7 pYour lip is so soft
5 W- ^/ @( ?, r1 ?there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
5 E% Q1 J) \3 N' u9 }& W( wYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
; }3 g9 s4 T8 D+ f$ O. O, aAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


& i( {' l2 j! x0 H+ X. wHis hello is the end of her endings
; _- [# v7 u. l  zHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
; g. G4 f' M  d3 p5 C' NHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
5 A# p0 M0 B/ _$ W; M8 r8 {She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
7 _5 J5 N' T/ I% ?$ [0 r0 K# N
/ r: [4 e; i5 _" {. r2 HBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

1 e# ~' `% C0 M( ]0 q6 hIt's amazing how I felt
* X$ L: {" f, i  i* Qwhen I was with you
, n- m# k) s9 x; ~$ I( O0 _My heart beat so fast
8 I! v" i8 C0 M' V0 eI looked at you and thought
' K" b+ V1 x& q- ]% e( R( cHoly Jesus, you were so cute
% o5 b# j9 [8 e' z+ L3 S
You left me without a word
" O1 E9 c- M$ u! b" [' hI have nothing except my emptiness
7 y, N" H6 [7 CMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
" a9 y: u) l4 S; A4 B. I/ T
5 X; h3 Q7 D2 @  V. B2 D8 FFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
/ l1 a! o, R4 x) v: ]I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
5 k) y! T1 H7 Q; y+ s, y6 z" t你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
$ b& J0 g9 x& s2 s不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
% x* E8 |) B- @/ A
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
" n% O! O$ J1 S: I: v* Z闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
) Z9 m' D0 n) G; H) x% J7 c; c. K阿,我爱你
4 B; Q; m1 P+ R1 p% e你让我心跳好快
3 @6 b) u) G1 g  T. A- \( G你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

' e$ X4 W3 [% ^8 y' W; S$ Z0 N, v靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。