我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
! Q9 ?. w  v: o# K9 U
" [7 @6 C& X+ y* k0 C3 O9 }I fell in love with you
0 M3 F" q- q5 {7 o$ b" l0 x0 HAt the first week we met

2 l! y) c- N6 x% i' i! ^You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
* h: y/ o- u/ E9 ?8 v; h1 V
Your lip is so big
+ c! E# S* d' ZAnd that’s good for a kiss
$ K! F/ h1 w" U8 F0 h+ ~+ \& @Your body is chubby
% V. A, x5 _0 v& F. \And that is good for sex

  B0 P6 S$ w" y9 j1 k, oI was deeply in love
! O. i7 m) w6 h7 b) MEverything from you is positive
5 W- G) o8 w5 {9 h6 v, P% Y. ^You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
2 [$ i: K; S! n
You could not stand my eating
+ U) d0 r( O: A. M3 L3 L# hSaying no good for making funny sound
" X+ {1 v8 _$ T# X3 I; C, m( J" [I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

' |" [: C% f$ M2 L( r7 oI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
% J+ `. u/ L; q; B  CAll trouble things you did
5 r% o/ y- d2 nAnd that is the price for love
$ v' U, c9 \0 _( R$ Y1 E  I
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
: M7 k: t" Y1 T! w; xand I am helping you to improve'

2 m/ c. ^) B* g# ^% UYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
; I4 y* W5 s" ~7 i' BMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
/ I" U" @8 r2 S/ k# h
unfortunalety not my heart
; G( T/ x' _- I0 oIt is slashed by you
- t: [& K& Q5 ]7 w$ c- dand I am seriously hurt
; ]! t% g/ _- u" K. f+ u  w( ^/ Y1 ^
8 Z6 C1 l$ Z3 a% aI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

. e7 m8 q( G. |3 a0 X# a
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
  s& `8 R. O7 a: l) R  \不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
8 D; R, v/ s+ `; k3 ii am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& l$ s+ k) w6 p; ~
with the charm,
with the simles.
5 @" t% Y$ Z7 f& f& E% rI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
0 [- H# a, P& P  R& Q& rAs spotting sky at a summer
5 e% u6 \1 M2 S% S: o
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
) `7 M8 e, ]9 Q0 X7 M* b; N
+ L* H4 F4 u& pI am deeply in love
7 d7 \" F% [* e" j& I# A& pEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
: ?$ o+ U- z9 `% g
# a6 b* ]( y. ^) B6 _  p/ `% n$ v
$ H1 ]7 T! C9 I9 Q  b/ p5 zHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' a! q/ B( o- q8 K4 B. p- DHis hand would be hers to hold forever
# t' w! X! \. p, H0 {; {His forever is simply as her smile
% Q7 Y% x0 R6 h4 w: @, H8 QHe said she was what was missing
2 E" F8 i! F6 h7 r1 DShe said instantly she knew
" V/ F# J6 m, l2 Y: K  R6 u% aShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
0 B' X0 y5 o+ j) `I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
% w: a) ^5 a/ t1 f% v
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

4 G  p) K$ f: T0 `) w& j, x  FIt's amazing how I felt
% w+ V6 m6 {) u( t6 u' z/ Awhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
: F+ S: t) L/ z, H' e; n" \8 G- o. K  F
& g% c8 e$ W4 l: fYou left me without a word
1 j) K3 g' T/ C! ~! F" Z8 R' m, mI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
/ q3 R! A# C6 {- @9 `8 L$ AHow could it be dispersed?
4 }' z6 m' q5 D. C
7 ]/ t# J  w, M* M& r3 c. d1 \Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
( w* i$ [5 _) S; W) w5 y! IIn the depth of my soul
: A" [4 b9 [/ O1 n. wI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
& ~8 c* y, L  u就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
; p' j' s, t6 R0 {0 ?3 I你让我心跳好快
. I9 Z" e& j$ f, o# z  D- G你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ p5 j. r& |  ZXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
* r8 u2 q4 H6 X6 Q8 t
1 {+ G6 ~+ Q0 s0 j如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# e1 ]6 @: g* G3 u, }7 _就和用中文写一次
8 r; N; V6 u% {; c% W阿,我爱你
# J/ h  o1 g3 V你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
" }" n8 }1 j  x$ u2 I2 e我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
0 t0 x' B" D' @9 h* w/ W# s5 M8 p不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

$ i, L  ^% c& n靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
$ ~5 R! C8 @/ J& H5 q: A: Q

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。