我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
, _$ M) w' V: s4 ^) u8 B0 n: M
I fell in love with you
6 z2 h  N+ W! }" pAt the first week we met
9 r& V' ]- \. I
You have charm, you have looks
# A. Z  {( s- ]5 G- F8 Z6 gwith full of pimples in face
# A0 X% A0 t9 Z( YAs spotting sky at a summer night
* f, J5 n6 o+ k- `They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
0 g* l5 H2 G/ \( I! y3 h, x" g4 ]Your body is chubby
0 \( o6 P' U3 o; Q/ mAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
0 I8 i5 W7 F# K" M- V" ?0 YEverything from you is positive
( Y. W* A0 e# h9 P) i# m6 C/ J, cYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
# g+ i# m6 _8 i1 u$ x; L
& v7 G( S( e8 n3 R7 Q3 v/ V3 yYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
+ Y  t9 x1 T7 W- h& MEating with sound is a pig
  f3 M* A: I/ }$ u, ]0 Q
/ ?2 ]! i, b  y, m# N( M' e+ hI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
' ^: y/ e6 y! O1 R4 Z  G' lAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

1 Y0 `% C8 |9 j- U. uyou are deeply in love
# a" G, |4 n2 v1 ?" kEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

3 b2 v, ]/ S# t$ m/ U1 b+ e7 EYou are loving me
- {, `; n( {9 Z3 i% `/ ]6 j2 dor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
6 {+ @0 V5 f* J- c9 Xcan be shaped whatever you want

! i  y, T, A( L6 @3 P6 J, }2 eunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
2 X# Z: a" E- U$ ]7 a# xand I am seriously hurt

7 }! L% o  {- ~! O% ]" Z8 X/ q: L2 II will never love another
& _: @: N. i+ H  C8 Y, ?6 [If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

3 }. {) {& v+ t1 Y5 X
2 j9 J/ e; o, F' {8 c- H咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

# i6 ~/ g' Q2 f8 \+ Ywith the charm,
* @6 x" Y2 ], e% l9 cwith the simles.
. P* d+ k9 e/ Y  q: i! |, t; nI fell in love with you
* f1 o$ K; w' q# v7 _% @) KIn the first sign.
" l" u6 X4 ?. `As spotting sky at a summer
  m2 z9 X/ P1 E
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

. q7 I, i( R" R' ?& `I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
0 ~$ W9 O! `4 P) f+ jalthough You r so picky for me
' q: E# T# ^% j  ^. F+ h' bAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
9 t2 h; j- V7 V8 N" u

" L& j% K" J. u8 FHis hello is the end of her endings
. S- A0 e& V/ g: x% UHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( W5 i, ]$ M  [5 j  VHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
, n: H* t, a6 p) v7 P2 G  N/ J, P: ?She was a question to be answered
8 Z. L9 y0 X( w' G- @And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: V; \$ E! i- d) A" ]: x* X
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

2 g8 u2 c* }: EIt's amazing how I felt
  T! p% |5 t8 {7 j+ T, Ywhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
% b% @: P# J! E& L  [. p6 AHoly Jesus, you were so cute
  o! z7 R* s2 Z/ Z6 r! V* v3 G
5 V, p$ H; |& A' [8 d* a7 f: Z6 `You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
+ V; r) b5 f% O: e: SHow could it be dispersed?
! C6 t! ~* y$ x* \0 Y8 ~+ c; |; z
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
  P+ r1 s/ n" s6 C! @I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
5 A5 v7 J8 U1 F& v你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
' l# D& H: J2 I  B; O我爱上你的大嘴唇
  ~; \7 S. r* Z, SXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
3 O! n! K, c1 \1 h' G; _至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
6 L4 K3 r2 k. }( Q  |阿,我爱你
9 y1 K% y2 i0 s$ [4 |0 o你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
9 D8 j/ x9 Y* {3 T# S, n: p1 k我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 S) Y# v. s& B0 l: I: aXXXXX
6 \- R2 T3 L$ x( m4 ~4 b不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

1 q/ }6 C+ J0 I- t7 Q' A+ K6 q& V
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
" \' E; T. ?" H% s; `' l  z0 [

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。