我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
+ H, _& ~# l! G# Y. K, A+ OAt the first week we met

& v; |+ ?, B  a) AYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
% n. I; t" F; b" J" h* Z
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
8 B; ]3 w# q1 @5 ~' _; MAnd that is good for sex
! [* `, c8 p& i. `7 F
0 S/ w$ M( F( {7 H: Q5 HI was deeply in love
  J5 g  q7 ~. l: i: M5 _: OEverything from you is positive
' g& ^9 Q  X! e- m: ~2 r; LYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
# c3 ^9 K* b4 v
9 c8 q: k! U, w/ Y, bYou could not stand my eating
0 J% E7 Z+ I$ g/ K% ZSaying no good for making funny sound
7 O# T" c2 S( X& ]8 w( ?I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

6 @0 `5 O1 N& o) BI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
5 r: w3 B$ [% c0 c"My man should be like this,
) H  B+ V7 I. W3 y- `. |and I am helping you to improve'
( M1 a# v% B1 a- Z$ r
3 l/ |  m  J9 }9 J4 _You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
* `0 o$ V, i5 zMy mind is like a mud
# g$ q/ c1 S8 b5 gcan be shaped whatever you want
3 ?# y1 [  W# b
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
/ U0 w  n5 R& X1 O' I- ~and I am seriously hurt
+ R2 {+ Y' S2 T$ ^% T& M. H& p
) O/ {( K4 B9 n) `I will never love another
2 O2 X3 W' H9 `  T$ t& F0 pIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! m) i9 y; k: {+ [' C, R7 K
1 o  g) y* x5 W& q# y+ @2 {6 z* V咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
' ^" f; c) h5 E7 x
with the charm,
with the simles.
) C8 b2 g( l0 J9 j- iI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
8 s+ I6 k# V$ Q" pthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
! x! u! |  p; I' e. V+ oAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

$ i; k  f2 p+ `; s5 W" NI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
# B: Q! T+ N# K9 T* [" S, malthough You r so picky for me
8 b  i0 L" J: x0 Z, X8 H! M9 ~And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
3 c; a/ B1 `+ LBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
1 {% S7 u& u* W/ ~6 a; ^& o( q5 S
+ q6 e0 }/ ]8 @
( m* a' l# L9 [; t& b' e6 V/ P2 XHis hello is the end of her endings
$ {( A" ^/ o) y: e: ^Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
8 f/ e0 Q( b9 O" vHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
( F8 k9 }/ B5 M! Q( gShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
" |2 |0 ]6 o+ \, R
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
# Q: p! a2 @# n4 U1 W
It's amazing how I felt
* @9 W. U; u: E; |, e4 ]when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

% c& b+ K7 q% K/ x# ZYou left me without a word
4 b  P7 }  @6 u! p/ p* p" VI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
, z0 e5 @8 ]+ v5 T+ hHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
7 Q4 M# r9 D* X, m1 s5 s4 s" P' BYou are the right one I wait
9 R2 U* u0 S( m& x$ BIn the depth of my soul
- L- p+ ^2 V' NI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
& a9 f' U% |5 o* `0 _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
- B" }/ B  H5 A  }1 y1 y7 S阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
) R( y$ S8 o- s, z  J我爱上你的大嘴唇
) B( Q! s0 R. B3 {: f5 w! I  J1 BXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
+ r7 E, s8 T. r* \8 [闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( t) r/ d: c) W6 a' F3 c% o! a你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 U& F( G. e  a# W: C5 q就和用中文写一次
0 c1 _1 u. b( W6 {4 K阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
( R. t$ z$ R0 C, d你让我脸发热
+ b0 p9 R0 Y# P4 m1 o% d4 T我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
9 M1 n* v' S# H" b; p不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

  s5 F' I) R8 s6 }9 ~" F
9 n% u1 K  ~3 e7 K1 D) |2 T靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。