我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
) L. U, E% G' S4 q. ~0 |
" q6 N% V: ~( G% R# nI fell in love with you
At the first week we met

5 k' Z) Q# l) ]6 ~You have charm, you have looks
; Z# W4 i! ?' Cwith full of pimples in face
2 c0 m3 c* ~% h! r1 dAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

( f# A! l- M% ?* T" B; Z( IYour lip is so big
( Q3 j# L" z5 `6 y6 gAnd that’s good for a kiss
8 o3 l8 d0 g$ n8 a8 S) I$ |" qYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
( v! T% H" g. m) |& N- XEverything from you is positive
! M8 O' x! J4 h6 o4 Q7 N; kYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
' R: {5 M8 A8 D- S) ?6 {
( |( _' v! |$ I  t5 H% AYou could not stand my eating
9 L/ Y' J  c* |5 {' y8 {4 ?, fSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
& f- i8 P8 |) y: m" R) d6 DAll trouble things you did
1 f! q" l4 }; j; j2 M' e- N0 RAnd that is the price for love

/ G: q$ z, L: Q. J1 z) @  X0 v8 Pyou are deeply in love
( s$ I4 _. c. n3 {5 GEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
8 Q4 n& C! T' r6 s2 m% r
; k% Z6 K2 T5 u% y/ I$ pYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
# `+ Q% D" n& i  \5 q- q% k- _It is slashed by you
' j- @/ ~4 `. @9 vand I am seriously hurt

# Q3 z( t9 U# Q5 Q0 W' vI will never love another
  d* `4 [4 E; c1 WIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

/ Y$ j# B: r# i5 J' B
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
/ i* t# m3 c( a不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
" n, D7 k4 L- j9 Ui am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
* h# H5 D& I/ j/ W/ H/ H. ~And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

2 ^: ]6 m. _( s* l8 D3 b8 Rwith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
" M+ J% D1 Y* N
" i& s) K) K; r- I, R1 iYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
5 t, \) x- j) b4 S# M+ Y9 Q) S
. ~( p7 U7 ^2 iI am deeply in love
) j& E0 ^6 w9 [6 KEverything from you is so charming
; Q7 |. r8 i" Ralthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

3 Y0 P. b  b8 P* T7 |
. ^; q0 \& R1 Z! l9 lHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
* g2 D. ~8 ]0 u) U* E- `  P! D2 H9 EHis forever is simply as her smile
% f& S. s+ S6 |9 A5 _# l8 r7 nHe said she was what was missing
; V4 f/ M6 _- U6 O5 ?7 yShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
1 ]6 e! H7 Z. P( Q; P$ cI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

3 j- [# k2 n+ d3 x& F6 zBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
+ {# I) c, d/ C, a5 c
It's amazing how I felt
/ _  i" s3 I( h  vwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
& H+ ?$ p5 Y0 L2 a# |% I" cI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
- _  d9 _- P1 U# t+ V- j- ]* v
) p# p3 x/ D! u. ?You left me without a word
1 {2 {! N% v6 J; mI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

& q1 j  ~7 F  \2 i6 N1 GFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
. h5 J( o1 m; E3 QI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! W: l; v, K. o9 T& q就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
  f. y) |  x* M) s6 R你让我心跳好快
, }- P$ y' I; d6 `你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 b& P/ w) g0 m$ S4 Y2 u0 s# JXXXXX
) p& q. Q  [  S3 B不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

- A4 |3 Z; H: w& ^) g! |如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  M# Y- B$ J7 L至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
# P4 m, @3 G2 O  L你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
7 G& k+ i/ }# X& s- ]9 n0 WXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

! g4 K7 {- o5 l$ e
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。