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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love2 L  D" G" W* {0 H

# @' {" E3 ~6 C3 a, l$ X1 rI fell in love with you 7 s: \1 M' A4 i* w& q8 }( X) d; V
At the first week we met- M- s. i) l- r( ?
7 K/ z2 s) Z1 z5 T* }  p/ H. G
You have charm, you have looks
" t* ]: R7 o/ n7 Ywith full of pimples in face
1 I+ W" }2 i3 K8 \- x% u2 n8 N( oAs spotting sky at a summer night
- r& o$ _+ w7 V& M5 gThey are shining stars
6 |3 J( U9 F  `0 |0 T. X+ `6 S7 M) O% C" Y& x7 T0 Y, K. L9 ?* z
Your lip is so big$ \; Z+ Q1 k' w# T4 w- w
And that’s good for a kiss7 C) X- E" Q4 `) r( {
Your body is chubby
7 O: {: n- L7 W2 ~$ F* R  cAnd that is good for sex& L1 l0 ^; h. n6 ^+ |8 W- Z) S3 A
' b$ N: F: d& T+ }" M/ d! |
I was deeply in love) i" P. O* j, H& u5 ~
Everything from you is positive' T0 `& i  O! w+ I; q
You blame me everything and everyday! Y  X  K5 U" C
And I think all girls sound like
% [/ ?" k5 ^1 F  j1 N$ ?4 r3 Q7 T4 u, Z) _
You could not stand my eating# U/ |+ T: g7 G/ V, L% ^0 X
Saying no good for making funny sound* @, z0 o( D) B" l% r7 B5 ?% v
I think you are perfectly right
" K: w: B7 A( bEating with sound is a pig
. P( p0 v, H' D5 G7 I- W. U, d, [5 [. K
* O0 u- O8 a, nI fell in love with you
* X. A8 M- M* zBecome a fool to think
7 S& S- H7 A( @( G5 DAll trouble things you did9 e  `' c* u' ~- J  v
And that is the price for love3 N9 u, e/ B) H3 X- s, k2 X2 v

9 ~5 e" N8 t) U' w0 R. _you are deeply in love
, C6 @2 W6 ?3 y  e8 ]Everything from me is negative2 M' m9 ~9 V' x% X
"My man should be like this,
" q8 S  `  w; U* j5 T& a* {and I am helping you to improve'  F8 [: F) F" P) M
# t  @3 I; q/ i6 n: I* k# }6 S
You are loving me ) C; G4 J3 o/ V) i5 y# q9 P$ t
or that one in your mind?/ Y: d! R7 P  \  @  }. D9 s3 b
My mind is like a mud! V4 K1 e! d: N) P6 k# N
can be shaped whatever you want
* j( e* m4 F8 w" I/ I$ ?
5 ?2 _, j* z% u4 _3 C* Qunfortunalety not my heart7 x+ @& {$ w* v7 o  v% S' k. C
It is slashed by you 6 x9 m. W, ^& {1 }8 l) T
and I am seriously hurt' d, D; j+ `/ W) [; q
" y0 H& z( ]  {+ b8 X. \5 I7 e; ?
I will never love another
1 j% z  }7 [/ P3 V3 o2 U! AIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
" ~. Q* _' b& _5 e. ^my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
- m7 D+ G6 s- D! ?# M
1 A0 J$ R1 e% J  k. N1 B, U& D
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!5 y2 @7 B4 z, F+ _4 |
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
% s' R: _* \8 [$ ?i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks." c) V7 x0 P/ E! e% b+ E3 }
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed  Z1 u* G  ~, T: c/ i$ C* e
5 w/ r4 f( c! |4 y# F5 s- y' C5 q" Z
with the charm,
3 I8 b* D8 B) l9 C9 G* |( n, qwith the simles.
. S$ E1 o+ j1 \, f7 c0 T3 sI fell in love with you
2 Y/ L) g" k3 T( F) a' FIn the first sign.9 t$ V3 `9 C2 a* A) u' i1 c0 o
As spotting sky at a summer 9 G1 B0 ], g: T; m) }$ h

4 _  y% x7 K* a2 H" JYour lip is so soft 2 C0 G' u  f$ N3 S- E, |# \
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss) O( r  w, O# j& t5 b5 ]
Your body is so sexy( Q$ G' h0 w; E3 u
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.( H, r& j" M3 z! @% t0 W, x! E2 C
6 A1 S& H" q9 a, J! c
I am deeply in love% ~2 D% D3 K' C3 M8 d+ J) h
Everything from you is so charming4 G3 V4 d5 B8 U! g% Y
although You r so picky for me 7 [; m0 o: d+ P( O& C3 Y& u
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.( Y7 w- K; N3 s: {& E
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
$ e/ f9 i* t. |- k  w$ S" T: u# i" T+ b$ J

5 X% e# U: B; j9 U9 d% q$ X* vHis hello is the end of her endings
5 }6 c7 {# `+ c  T$ k: B# g, ZHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle4 L, \- y6 F( G1 s
His hand would be hers to hold forever
) {5 S2 H1 j7 g5 X) I5 w" P  ]His forever is simply as her smile
0 h/ V5 ]& f" E: }+ o; D( y7 z: o; {He said she was what was missing: \3 V( q4 s( B# H7 n5 N
She said instantly she knew* J7 u2 @' r" k: j6 F8 ]
She was a question to be answered
! p" G# K7 U% E! i" i8 gAnd his answer is , T9 H0 m6 E/ f& ^# G
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ v: c0 M, e; \! y) I3 d. K( i( `" i# A  Y7 V9 g1 o
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt6 q7 g" @* Y8 z

) {% |; s% z7 ]! c0 IIt's amazing how I felt - H( R- l# A& {: c6 ^
when I was with you, Q# c$ R  z* S( ?2 _* X1 p
My heart beat so fast+ c" B" R$ o/ N, g2 Q8 M
I looked at you and thought  a- H9 v. {+ a
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
& D% Y' s( Q: z) q2 g
" ^; |& _: M8 Y: ~5 HYou left me without a word) Z- }8 Q! O/ \  ^: ?+ a
I have nothing except my emptiness
8 h5 @' Q1 c% M% L4 t; PMy mood is like a cloud' b1 S; S6 ^6 [2 Q
How could it be dispersed?
% ^0 n: @; z* J0 t
5 Z* J  S0 o& t3 g5 A* }! k7 bFeelings bite my heart 7 t6 }3 }0 M! J8 J/ ]
You are the right one I wait: o) Z% `9 B! L+ k( h8 m/ ?
In the depth of my soul
( p0 l) l: N) T! C2 n+ ^* N& YI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" D5 i8 b6 Z! l6 k9 a& \7 c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! G( L& E) y" {3 |2 F" u% f6 W5 \就和用中文写一次
5 m% e/ e* L( c阿,我爱你4 p$ Z, v; D; G0 w7 [
你让我心跳好快
7 M2 ?& Q& g, K$ K7 H3 T你让我脸发热
" b+ d) [" x1 @( F: G' s* a. P5 R. H% \我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 i1 S* v' a- bXXXXX
, {  ]9 [: d- n0 Y6 }. |1 c% f" j8 m( v不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
3 T3 w4 ?- h$ i7 Z6 q: f( q
2 R6 a  O9 w9 t; m( b5 e如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
. ~; ]2 e- u' m" D$ `至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
5 e+ M  N6 C, D闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. a6 o9 z, M4 I
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 V' g4 {) S& T# ^9 Z# e就和用中文写一次9 X$ F  `0 J* _
阿,我爱你( g* D: m7 P3 C, Z* o' n- E
你让我心跳好快
) P& p; s) [- D' T8 X% C; O, \0 F你让我脸发热# N: A0 T# c! v8 p+ e
我爱上你的大嘴唇
; ?0 Y  C) D6 q* {: [$ MXXXXX
1 S( Z% w2 u! O7 B& G不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

& e/ x: ^3 a0 b% M& ?- y) @4 Z7 W) [: j
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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