Modern Definitions

l8eac

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
6 {$ ]* j& V6 o  b0 Y! _2 c8 ?+ ^
# ^/ k! q9 M, ^The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
" u; ^6 C$ x1 a
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
5 \% a5 R8 @/ b5 y5 K
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
7 f2 E; w0 q- |- }' k  \7 M) w
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
9 I. L  t4 x8 H( R7 K
9 F0 t9 p) o0 f7 ]- ]4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
: o+ Y0 U, E) o5 I) S% K( x
( b5 h( k; D3 v/ j. y0 _! n' E5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
9 ?: a) k$ S5 e4 n& L3 t- N' ?
: z% N& d5 E+ e6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

& f, g# O8 H+ M3 U& p6 o7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

! d# L! z; v7 f8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

) P8 e6 Y3 e% {2 u2 l3 M4 |10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

% k. T9 t; E* u9 E1 _) j* L& L11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
) Q! s/ R$ ^. A2 `) D
# N/ [$ a/ E. u& k% w& H" e2 m13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
0 L8 l- s; d+ I3 U1 `! w# j+ V* H
( h* `/ _9 n0 M% K14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
9 n; F1 n3 h/ O6 Z* A& E/ A# L
. I8 W8 p0 i& q# O8 p9 l8 }/ o/ W7 A( D15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
5 h8 J1 K+ z/ B
16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.