Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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: V4 @, _! b# A  o/ N- qThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:

/ H" o0 I2 x+ G2 O1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

4 ^2 D2 {8 h3 _* g, v3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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& B- j  l2 q( R) {4 ^4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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2 F, Q# I2 N, K, L4 g& {. j  z9 o5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

- `' t: ~- t8 G, [) H6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

/ c. N1 n9 V8 t* Z+ s& ^, D7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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4 I4 [- I/ o( o( H9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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6 Y) z# O/ g  K10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

/ d' ]9 `# a$ V! W8 k$ ^# F11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

& E* B6 o! H& I- M9 e16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.