Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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. P6 n5 @/ Y) ~7 S. C+ qThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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0 C) p' G  S; g% j. Y1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

* ]' |; z- k" G+ ^- o4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

  J) E+ V4 E; D0 ~% W7 g7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

  Q2 R( i# a) Y: Z- K1 d- ~9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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% L  A1 F1 Y, ?0 |- M12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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4 Q0 d9 M! m+ X13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

7 K+ r9 F- M4 G1 I14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

. y# e  T8 N( U& H16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.