Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

8 ~/ J" M7 P4 Z. u: m" `: U! f# u) |The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

% O6 u# {8 o! I! E2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

. I' W5 @. j, \% e3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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1 b2 n" q% U- n, ]# M2 l# [5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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9 n) G" \5 {8 d5 c* `6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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6 B; x+ ^1 [) w& W# T* j8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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# L" |. l0 t% j& T1 l: \10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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$ i) L6 m6 I* j9 B" E6 Z4 Q5 l11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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8 f* q$ z0 A# G: T12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

( P8 E8 b1 l5 C) ]" H4 j, v13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

, K9 T) t/ Y5 _14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

- E9 r- F6 I+ _: Z; R! ^16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.