WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
1 @! c! @. w+ o" F3 V/ h2 [4 Iinto a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

% Y: a8 _& Q$ u. Y/ q3 ~  q: G9 P; UFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
& \6 w$ ?! z, K: I+ G0 Fweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
; c% z8 B3 K' s2 t( Qyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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, m1 K6 |( U# v; ]0 T) TMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
) {$ y  ?/ j" k, E/ w1 L
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
, n% ^1 x; J7 ]worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
% U/ O' w, {; eeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
4 X# [- N+ S: E: r- Min her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
' J. o* t" o' ?/ k8 xwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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- a5 r+ y3 }3 p1 O' P" NVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
  ^. ~8 d+ V; jalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

% o, l5 O3 o3 O5 \This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
4 M3 m  S* J' F' _+ O; i* [
0 B/ w  L  D& R6 C9 V  Z( w5 O& F+ JTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
' B" L; F( v( I' g+ g/ aand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
- n. Q# n% P; u* rtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
+ J/ p/ }; [! T- a" h! i
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
) u7 n: I5 U3 C7 ^( M6 @1 N$ w- vthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
- d) K$ u* d7 r% L. amachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
. k  S- P0 H6 j1 x( R7 }told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
6 h: N6 y. a9 A) V) h
She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
& j+ J: \/ u# D3 Nher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
' ^0 ~; Z! |) U' Ybeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
. v1 R2 {9 Y- p/ }% I" thid in the men's room.

5 f( ?2 O+ L& N- gShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
6 ~- R, r% J6 K0 t8 bmachine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
  g$ g9 X; x! U7 i3 a  X" K; XI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 z' _! g7 n; e& k2 Q7 \) t) qanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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  O- |0 n& j" w( H! rAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
" z5 u( H* u2 p- Y- x# s9 M1 Rteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
0 m3 ^2 [# N, H% y( _" ?. |! Uor the choir director?
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7 P- `+ ?6 i# R7 k1 MSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
; B' E! S9 p$ R' H2 ]made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
: w; g; Y  {7 M  b. W7 t0 Z/ Gstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
* ~+ ~4 W, @9 H0 D0 ^hours of the Weather Channel.
1 _# g2 c/ v! C; m, `0 `
# L1 X4 H7 @9 Q! M7 T6 j+ PSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
2 A# k% |% u& h+ u) ]0 E7 R% pmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
4 p/ h# e. M" Ca root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.