WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

2 w1 K( h% j+ }" FFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
! o* g  l6 u2 N9 M$ E0 Cweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
* }, Q, o# U% _9 dam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
6 O; v3 @* ]+ B! Pyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
+ N5 ?. m/ M, K- b/ V, ttry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
) H# ~7 l! }: ainstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

% X  E4 S2 i0 x3 C- H( ~' gMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
) J! d' x- K0 B4 h
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

" E0 k( s3 h& R& ?' Y! K( tShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 z* i+ l6 s9 A7 ?which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
* j& ^4 {  f) x+ i
& N* A- S5 u* y' R# [Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
+ |  D* @9 w) H% s' _/ zwas around.
  s# B8 ^4 Q" v  k- b5 @% w- c# j
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
4 d7 r! F: J2 C
( b$ \# P# r; E* ]7 Z2 jTUESDAY:
0 _' f/ a2 g! }I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
5 P( o' O& e9 J3 S$ {5 xand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

% \/ X( v# p" s) A; }4 `, M% m- A+ yI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
8 H1 F2 ?2 {+ s: A% Q& U" h& _
5 q! y! O1 M. L4 C" L- g) o% [3 uWEDNESDAY:
6 |# @8 N) a! \! fThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
; V$ K6 M4 Q, _1 _' f4 N+ n! hsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
7 Q+ F$ k( C( L) zbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
1 U- f3 u7 _/ Zearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
2 ~3 `+ ?( C3 V6 H8 XBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
3 G! l* P" R0 e* I) D- J& Stold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

% F7 Z1 B) H3 s6 r: VShe said some other shit too.

0 f0 G3 x% E4 {2 PTHURSDAY:
5 ^& X7 l$ x( h/ aBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
% |7 l  a5 D4 sbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
( R$ t8 _, O8 a% A: i, }, Uhid in the men's room.
" R- b. l. g% W& X: V$ B
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
) E8 i2 a8 b5 M. f( |3 gmachine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
8 k$ @+ j+ i/ UI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
/ \$ i# o  l+ T, `1 _4 F0 Manemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
& K6 e9 ^' |2 Z) j3 D3 Fcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
& [- Y0 n) k; D- z2 n$ \$ jwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
2 J9 J- F! K4 d
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
" D# c& t1 d) C5 \8 B8 K, oor the choir director?
9 R2 l* ?' ~8 h# z" _8 T( m2 V' W
SATURDAY:
. [6 }0 v- ^. e; s9 @/ xBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
( G4 \0 k3 R2 s$ ?0 v0 R  j. Mshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
/ `, a& i# G" e3 x* y5 ?strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
- W* x) y, _0 l7 z+ O
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
9 M% ~0 t/ Y6 Fand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.