WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
2 K& Y) d: N8 K$ Owrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
8 I; [( _; L2 p5 S: i$ l
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
1 {$ Z7 b! U7 z! d  x, [' mweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
/ u$ B! Q: [8 }1 E% {am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
3 Y1 w& o% y3 X+ E6 c8 w8 Syears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
- W; x7 z; H) Itry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
5 @6 R1 ]3 ~5 m1 x& T
6 [/ s' D1 y9 q/ ]) ^% e1 H2 bMONDAY:
' h( I# h& F- P8 I& E
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
; ~3 h/ {) X& `; J3 _2 |3 }worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
! q/ e* [  ]- v% |3 m: ^4 e
' E3 _1 |$ J, E# X, qShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
8 }/ X  r. m" {# J  Qthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

8 l! I) I2 v' C; G# D! |1 X- wVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
& s! ]& e- E) D" t/ I1 }. Aalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
1 i# }8 j) |: @% ^( i  l8 lwas around.
+ H( b" s" G* u( J0 z+ G
# X- T# E. Q2 ]* h4 |1 _* _This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
& Q! n; w7 [. h+ U+ Utreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
# S( A, |* n7 h3 @* K( ~all worthwhile.

6 Q) ]1 ?9 @3 r. @, JI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
0 O2 _, N' {9 i2 f6 c/ X: c9 V
WEDNESDAY:
! _3 h' X: C* hThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
  ~0 j* Z! o2 z* H2 v& j8 Y! |the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
( x. y0 b1 H. P+ \bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
) @1 e0 v9 R  D$ i1 {' Vearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
9 L( f6 u' [' D+ Fthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
- t2 X9 C3 Q) W! T
; T5 i, y7 o+ V4 c; w8 NShe said some other shit too.
% P  C2 a5 ?2 U
' g- E* u7 c! J& ATHURSDAY:
5 b9 D; X/ i1 w8 Z: y  h& L$ gBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
3 z7 Y9 L/ ~8 \6 W# o4 n  D3 a" j1 Eher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
5 J( M9 r- l, z  Kbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
$ g$ R4 D7 |1 o$ ^: Xtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
. v/ W4 Z1 O* L! D, f  M
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
* e( Z- Y+ I" S7 `( s! q3 F
FRIDAY:
) j9 E/ s. F1 q  jI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
# g* T7 c6 n( n$ @1 lany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
& M. @8 r, @- `% ]! V/ o# ]( i2 z; ^/ h4 U& Twanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
- H  `% V' ?% L! ^: J3 a/ r
; F  r1 o5 E$ t6 A- @) c% EAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
+ u4 A, R9 b  }5 G5 j# \* D- F$ vor the choir director?

$ `! h1 C( R8 T7 {! K/ TSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
% O. r2 z4 o3 \: Z5 i( [0 h, a: umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
# }/ J/ k* O3 }; g- Q4 ~strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
. z' w0 W/ {" B- F# ohours of the Weather Channel.
$ ]  }6 ~' F: U6 r6 W) i9 d0 L
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
6 f' p+ l2 R& j# zand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
+ U2 b8 w3 M& U0 _my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.