WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
! V  r' f6 g  w0 T9 N8 u; C* ~" b7 ]wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

1 i9 N) q+ @1 V! W; k) H( s  k9 iDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
$ a, P  C/ ?4 _, |7 Q$ f! k9 cnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
3 j+ C- H( O8 v# @+ B3 S2 Linstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

1 L# E- x* C# RMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
+ P( a! z; Y7 E/ x" u/ A, m
' e0 `" `9 p& h. y- p% y" Q3 cStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
* V" J# w7 }* d7 P9 o4 geyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
+ d( w4 k, b( O* i0 c) Z
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
# R- A$ p# ~# E( B% Xwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

- ^  @& O: B+ S; l9 uVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
- T. `: @0 ?5 A3 }* z7 i; n1 @* Salthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
( L% I) E3 _2 m" |+ `
TUESDAY:
9 b' k  G. [6 \5 UI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
7 k4 s4 O, ]& s1 Z% \Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
$ ^! {1 Q/ K$ D: |- w0 Sand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
) _' D6 e0 w2 h. ptreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
% R* L4 Q0 o& |8 }# B8 b. oall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
6 T+ @" M. @4 C9 f5 V; esteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
2 ?2 m' \3 X$ Hmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
; Y1 k5 \0 S, c% B- m) g9 j, gtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
6 E/ i9 m2 Y" c$ H9 r4 b% i
She said some other shit too.
8 T3 ~( u; m0 F8 _7 T: o  \
2 A0 X% L* m. BTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
0 M6 e; u' ^# uher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
4 {% v; _" p7 \8 r. D+ ]: Fbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
% j! w% z. Y. |3 y( n' H, P) stook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
3 m& V# }/ Y# _# U8 i. ]# w1 m
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
6 T/ H9 |0 _- Rmachine -- which I sank.

8 h8 k  y1 v6 Z% FFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
* }4 @7 T' o* m0 D; \4 L$ I. kany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
. {9 A; o* n3 A' J7 f: M  L4 manemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
# B8 h1 q& L+ I- F  [  R* Mcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

. o+ Y% P% h; ]9 Q! VAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

  g2 O" y0 b1 vThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ f: {7 y! y6 P/ z/ ?& A7 B! |teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
% W# K$ Z- I$ i  K6 C- R8 E$ z. `or the choir director?
5 ?' i( N- E% K
+ w* c$ m. Q1 U2 g' fSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
; n( ^: U& F3 ?0 Jshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
4 E! P$ z0 X  q; Ahours of the Weather Channel.
, ^! \0 ?( {3 ?8 P! I
SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
- h- a  b) \. lmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.