WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
. s$ u& r: H" Q. w5 Bwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
5 C6 G  B# o1 \3 uinto a regular workout routine.
7 `4 b' _" m3 s: i! c& j% b- \
Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
: H# }; D! t" T+ m: Y* P  ^2 `2 ]week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
) x% s0 E) \% Ram still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
; I' X) K* [! _: m8 i, Z& Wyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
) U+ p* @$ H( q9 Y" tinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

1 {5 o% J" F; \  ?My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
& l! X6 q  l/ Mencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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, F) l, e% Z( }% @9 s3 hMONDAY:
, F% H" n( @+ i! r  m  S0 q2 `* \. P
% a) K- W: r3 ~' x, s2 bStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
5 I( ?6 W7 [0 P. R3 {$ c# {worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
( g+ A, J8 c' U2 c$ D# H5 V
- r9 |# Q7 ]; r8 d; ~) Y2 K' XShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
+ {% x& Z. t0 Hthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
- f( N$ ]* F' }) p/ S
# l, ?0 k% Z/ l! e' NVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
+ I4 `( a9 r8 w; |) jwas around.
) j1 h5 M$ I, u0 `$ C( K+ v- v
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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! l- R; N& E% U3 n6 I, Z; U" e* f/ lTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
# `3 P1 x- Y/ u. M' XBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

! l, @) A5 }# ?1 R9 `5 q5 f% k2 AWEDNESDAY:
4 |3 I* l. K& s; F& j; k+ DThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
; [) n; [7 f! bbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
* y2 R+ k2 o! A5 X  Jmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
8 g  A9 S" U/ ?2 m' e+ P4 n
& [, E: S) M1 a2 P5 PShe said some other shit too.
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1 F8 o1 e, W7 B/ [THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
6 @% Z9 }) d1 F7 U( pher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
: ]' F& `0 |9 _6 c7 ]; b2 ?: Ktook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
3 T! }" I2 a. K- x+ Q, ^
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
  w7 m) o5 A  {& m* {9 Y  O
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
/ C/ k+ l( b/ M- `9 \any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
6 H/ P$ D( t, l: uanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
" t) K! s3 d  `, D6 Z+ Ewanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

  x) e! l7 h: e* s3 O$ |% HAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
+ E, k+ Y. Z1 J5 X6 z. J/ s* mteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
& Y1 P! Q! Q/ v1 hBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
, K7 K- r2 a5 t8 m+ sstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
. J3 s  G: J: J8 C. hhours of the Weather Channel.

: L' x$ W# Y) }SUNDAY:
- S/ V* E( C. v7 h) VI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
. N/ F: m8 u) B  T; H* S% R+ Dmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
' }6 [8 l8 W4 t# s7 u! V& ~6 N7 wa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.