WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
- q7 F9 w% T$ A6 N' n5 d1 |* dinto a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
& J7 g) ?" Q' X; P& K" y7 ?5 {0 j1 iweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
  ~8 i$ |! ~& K: I2 U$ X/ k& `am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
2 J' j5 E) M9 [1 [4 \% [" w1 Xtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
( P  a/ _* o7 m0 d. qinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

/ {" o: P( h! [MONDAY:

% w/ I6 m8 B- A0 D9 J6 {# \- VStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
& Q* T  r+ a+ ~: Gworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
+ t7 K; o9 z" ^me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
3 L$ M6 b+ d5 U8 q3 }/ c# k  p5 Veyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
& G  n$ e( R3 K
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
: V1 k+ Z6 U  G6 H+ |1 ethat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
7 ~/ \8 [! ~( E4 t( rin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
+ v7 j1 g* e0 J8 _7 \6 R% l1 t9 dwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
1 }3 w3 u! }  L2 c1 R& wwas around.
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( h! t) @  g' w$ ?0 l) ?7 ^* IThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
! `* k/ [2 z# E1 U) i
- {( ~' X( Y3 [0 c9 L3 K. PTUESDAY:
$ Y: n/ v: [; L; P* T& ^/ Z- N! _6 O4 BI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
/ r  ^$ g. L2 V: I" o0 z5 o( VBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
0 e- |( p0 j* e1 e7 M0 ball worthwhile.

+ V+ m5 B% j2 OI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
1 [! q- G3 d. g* p( O9 y9 n
6 ~# E5 _5 A6 R. sWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
; Q" E* m, ]& O: n* z7 i1 pthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ i2 h1 f$ Y: m# ?1 ]! Bearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
! s4 Z# q. L) w! Y, L0 |7 ]that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
/ V0 d! T- H9 Z6 T1 wBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
3 Z$ Q2 ~- |8 R$ r6 Z$ Ymachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
! c& [- Y, r2 b5 `9 `. V* ?
+ C+ @1 j' W; m. b7 WShe said some other shit too.
+ b# V  ]7 k* G, k+ ~! b
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
5 Q+ d5 A( ^. f, ptook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
. f5 {. s  e5 }( E' S( ^
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
2 |9 k' ~2 g- ?$ \& Y+ o6 dmachine -- which I sank.
0 Z/ `$ G9 b% ^1 `1 ~9 J. c# F7 z, g7 s
- T& g" A7 `- B# g# h: KFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
" D$ v8 E8 }# J/ h# yany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
* ]: F. y) }4 s; T: f7 Qanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
( K7 B+ v  [( u( ncould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
0 f- I9 F7 m/ _+ g1 @) r) Fwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
1 _) e5 S4 H" b; }/ G* b
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
& P7 O1 a1 X" G# _) k4 Uthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

: T1 K2 S% ^1 R5 a- H3 M' HThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
( i$ R8 p  p7 }. ^or the choir director?
6 O5 w! H/ n9 h2 q! K
SATURDAY:
( Q8 |0 G% ?+ G, e  g% a7 ?: H6 xBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
: d, O$ Q' O( u( y0 ]2 Gmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
" a# E9 f* ]% `; H1 Chours of the Weather Channel.
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, ~. m. q2 t  \! E! ~8 S" eSUNDAY:
* A$ X/ W% }5 X8 J" _& EI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.