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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
) K8 O3 a6 M4 v7 ywrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
) [6 ] M" e7 t, O0 v1 ?into a regular workout routine.& ?& y$ }/ A( s& z
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a* }# d5 K' X2 u# D* g9 `
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
4 B4 ]3 h2 s/ T1 E$ X' tam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
- C0 e/ D% |& d0 ]+ P1 kyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
9 |, H9 q$ S4 V: c% Stry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer9 _: Z* s/ p; f
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
% p; }- M7 a7 |+ g5 @instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.- K! n$ s0 }6 o( z6 p% u2 f
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club9 E q# e& _ Y3 ]8 }4 W) T4 Y6 x7 f5 t( D
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:( C0 a: b4 O, j7 [
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well, B; j$ b0 F4 K3 e# ~4 u
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
4 u3 L3 B8 Z# u. U5 Xme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
; s3 ]$ l& B& a5 g; ]9 P peyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed& R6 d+ W7 C/ B$ c# f2 ~5 H
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
/ I" c* d, R& ~6 G- P9 Q/ i' vin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
) D$ X8 |& T$ t5 T% pwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.) C- f( h. W) M
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,1 D: F% z, I8 W; Y" |; o2 z
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she; F& N0 r+ l) H* u
was around.4 e2 m/ B2 f1 }1 t& ?
( h& w! G' Z" X$ A0 R$ tThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 x% e/ l: V# p! C0 p- }$ V" h
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TUESDAY:
d ]8 d- ^+ z9 K) DI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.2 _( J! Q+ H; I7 L# n
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
: M) ^8 l$ x/ h% m# Xand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
$ Z, y6 e# M1 ^8 R( ftreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it; y- n: o% s+ K8 j
all worthwhile.2 v& s+ E+ w9 @5 u5 o6 }
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.! {9 u# G/ }1 x/ s; Y
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WEDNESDAY:7 Y& p7 T, Z9 U% T+ c
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on- q* M$ N; z1 A6 C3 v/ ]
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have& b) r" W8 [3 R b# V3 z
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to9 u+ i: r) _8 M: I
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* K5 g6 S) _' V! Tbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
6 O# M3 R. \ Vearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine" U; g G1 K" J7 H% E
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
8 k6 a6 `; {1 K& H( r# T; o" ~Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
) q) H; [ z6 k {9 u4 mmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda8 e$ C. h3 ]# K2 c2 @
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.8 T# d) u1 _; m) q9 ]
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THURSDAY:1 @# v$ f( }' v$ y3 W5 ~6 h. k
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
: W' A2 N3 e( d9 \/ P9 Lher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help, x; v; p! Y5 Z
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
]& o& [( P5 ?) e( s1 y- Mtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and: D, ?7 S4 ?& O
hid in the men's room./ R3 A4 U- v8 [ h$ C; o; h( s9 z
- ]/ y, |& W' tShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
1 U$ b& z' d7 m9 ^* P, r X0 Tmachine -- which I sank.
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& |% `; Z/ r* l" ~4 rFRIDAY:
2 h/ a) g0 G `I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
. |& {0 X) y2 Q! ^any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
; I. Y$ v3 t8 L) I1 y+ ~& sanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
+ N: v# g4 @2 r/ I5 e2 M+ rcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda* K! v% {% E4 k, ]1 U4 v7 ?0 s8 d
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!3 w' b( A3 g- _( D/ E
0 A0 f% E$ L& Y" }/ d2 GAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
4 a. T$ J# W( b3 R# i+ l" \$ D4 u. ^the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.9 Q' `+ y; }6 O) m* e
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
2 o: Q- O$ g) \9 [: a9 nteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
" n' @* y5 \4 W6 Q8 j& W! L8 Oor the choir director?/ }" _8 Z/ A; R8 ?. D2 H# M
( j& p- \" T. OSATURDAY:
7 P7 v1 r; B$ G: Z$ J) WBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
; G/ {/ L ] ?shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
. l3 |% ~9 }2 s% G3 v- Kmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the8 s; p( W( R. z& f# B4 j: f
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
4 O, a4 u% V s* O% y( dhours of the Weather Channel.
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0 M% S2 t' J9 ?& r$ Y" jSUNDAY:
/ I6 P+ \) R3 e7 |" ?) |I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
; ~7 [+ B' c d! uand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
8 l8 [ y1 A* l! L6 D* Wmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
]& i2 G6 S, K: N' R7 ma root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
