WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
0 x1 ]" A! D4 Ztry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
6 K. Q5 j/ `' s- v' m6 {( L6 pnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
# r6 [  o$ Q  N% a( hinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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" Z2 R0 v* V# J3 Q$ n8 uMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
3 v9 `7 h( ^5 k; k# o5 N; C3 ~encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
, p1 u3 n, G* e( v* `
7 ?7 m# s  l) C/ Q  f8 ?5 N; fMONDAY:
; ^  F4 v3 q) I( d
8 o7 i- C+ D$ z) q! LStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
  a! X/ c5 C8 m! F% {3 Nworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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; ]" i5 q) R0 i2 ^She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
/ F! i: {% h% E5 X% C0 j( cthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
: F! U5 k/ I" S$ h& qwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
0 S2 M+ o  L) H  d
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
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, O- z1 {# h" U# Y; T4 h# uThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
' s7 a/ U+ ]0 @) t. W) I
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
% s0 j5 U  B1 D- L4 hand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
' k( a2 \, R  E: B+ H5 mall worthwhile.
( ~8 y8 `$ M  a* P: x
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

- `6 h* \# c$ |WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
% ^6 y2 W6 L2 x3 f% @  R# @0 Da hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
7 o+ d' Y: ~/ g4 h* T% ubothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
4 g- I3 T8 m) e. p6 N; [early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
5 n" O- G+ }: R, |. k, lmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
' }$ p; u6 l! u1 x$ B! R& n9 c7 Etold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
8 S0 b4 m6 u( w. E. _2 V4 W6 lbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
( X6 D0 \0 J" c6 g5 Y  Etook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

7 [" P7 X1 u+ K+ xFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
5 B' A8 b4 V' c7 cany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
+ u; N/ W" B% G; a/ T/ \* L/ m3 rcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
+ f) f" v- j, {; |3 U. Nwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
. m. M1 b( {2 B
  A+ x0 i% U8 LAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

0 R: ^. E* j- g% Q5 d. lThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
+ Q! T4 |# \$ y6 s* z+ w# wor the choir director?

6 ?3 P% G. E4 Q% VSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
) _% }$ S* q! f5 Jshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
2 i+ E8 y* L- ^- w5 T% Hmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
( Z& a' W( q; U; istrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
, E2 O1 v, w0 `, ahours of the Weather Channel.
3 k, ^+ V& ^# R5 ~
5 V; J8 B$ n+ MSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
0 F5 Z3 V: V- i, ^and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
9 E2 U$ a" Q$ B' V$ a( amy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.