WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
# g' n7 t* w2 hwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
! |: p7 ?  k) L: Hinto a regular workout routine.

4 V- a# j$ a/ Z% ^! eDear Diary:
9 F' X* Z/ c8 ~0 J' _) Z4 }* b
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
7 k( u* i, @5 ?1 {& Lweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
. T6 g1 ?& _* g3 e1 S* c  `am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
. ?5 `1 v9 I/ ~6 C5 Z+ Ryears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
3 r4 {2 F, `1 l: d% Xtry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
' f6 a* Y) R. B8 D9 tnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
0 K9 `5 j! i7 D' R  H3 _* u& T
7 F/ @; r5 X! e7 ]+ H& fMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

* ^1 _5 p9 w. J3 q/ R* m3 m" \+ F! pMONDAY:
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/ @9 W# `1 k1 Y  ^8 I( K. uStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

( ?1 D4 C( v2 Z; qShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
& W0 {8 g; N% I0 dthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
" x% X  V$ K6 d) `1 a- Z6 }8 Uin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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$ ]9 U8 F! q+ i+ H! E, Y, KVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
. i$ i( j8 u% Iwas around.

4 F" T2 D' F/ }% z5 F* [  ~This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
9 B7 ^: ?4 b8 nI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
+ L% ~0 S' D/ `0 ?4 P. \7 e) I2 PBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
; [0 Y6 V1 Y: k* lall worthwhile.
( T' a+ j( K+ o" S  Y7 f0 K! T
" l4 }  p4 c* i2 mI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
5 v2 V6 o* |$ ?& s( ?
WEDNESDAY:
( f8 ?) V) ]9 N: c. S  `% \2 ?The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
8 x: ?3 z% ]2 ]8 s* ~! K# Othe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
! C* t0 |5 C! Ja hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
5 A( N; v9 }! u8 Oearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
; n. Q) f1 c% X9 T' P$ d5 Wthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
' Q  O' L. {, ^2 CBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
: \" `! l' G% c3 ~" }; hmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
1 m1 w0 M. L. v: r8 N) }told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
( c, z% f4 _, [& @  W* W2 V7 l
She said some other shit too.
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1 N' U4 J# Q7 k3 g0 UTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
0 }9 r- M7 z6 I" ~$ ]her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
9 J0 K, D$ v8 d* i! ^being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.

+ r2 l- [0 c6 s& C7 y& K3 `  Y6 ]  cShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
7 V: T* C/ x9 y! M5 h& \5 _machine -- which I sank.
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& Q" A: ?3 G8 e9 c: v# h1 DFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
! o; f2 u( t) E/ E) ]) Eany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
  ^5 i* M1 i$ Zanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
7 N1 C! ?, y7 t
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
5 D$ |$ I6 t6 Z, Y/ Lthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
  V$ |. {7 T! A7 t( rteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
$ s4 V0 S$ s! v9 d8 h" Wor the choir director?
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+ ^0 ]' Y! D+ @1 Q+ WSATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
# a; e7 r0 O  W7 o3 R$ ]7 E: {, |made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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! g7 f/ i$ @& r: P9 pSUNDAY:
% C5 v, a8 u: O( |3 X; s& eI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
- X" T- W; Z) Xand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.