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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,- K0 |$ J; P  d3 s9 U
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  / q( I7 f& {' _
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
5 O# x$ ^9 D( ^& c现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.( |  a: ?9 T$ G8 a2 n
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking./ H) E0 w) N* m% x
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
; A  c! Y+ Y; H, O. Q/ B夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
& W( @  |; Q  _* u猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.& f/ g; Z1 {1 y8 T5 s3 X2 M0 R
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
8 B6 g9 T; D3 |1 ?4 J3 ]5 H1 |我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
7 u( a; N5 F7 J+ D3 t5 I" p* M那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
3 w$ a0 R! C6 U; R- S2 u% U  F$ t世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
* a( j' J! ]: }# |( O3 `昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.+ g* f! l# Z2 M5 ?8 [
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.  u7 {0 u: j* |) d3 B4 O$ ~+ j
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
# E3 _$ n/ G  m9 V5 O) u寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
+ [1 L: H- S  @3 v醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.: \; S# e5 I4 \7 o6 Z# ]2 s; h
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.0 k: c7 g$ c. r1 O; }  A( ~
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
. k  ?% \# V, J多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
2 a' |2 w4 t9 @3 Y0 ]$ [# jWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
; |' f1 d' N$ y多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously! u+ h6 }1 g# X% m
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
& }+ y8 n1 `) }+ A. z% E; J多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 6 M" m$ {2 n- [) @3 @4 Z. d
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?
, i+ R* ?; ^6 E, y2 M, I& ]3 ^多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
( `! Q. n5 a" d# a" o. Y永难平息的泪
% h# G5 @9 p: G7 P6 o/ L# f! H+ p$ _每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes$ _$ _) F4 [. k
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
; G! ]% y* |! r当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
+ \& K% D$ f% w! ?; z让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,2 s9 W, f6 C# I7 i4 B
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
& G0 Q; w# B2 M3 C一抹微笑;! `3 `) D# `' L: T# B: m
一个手势;
. j4 r3 P5 Z3 j8 i7 `7 N4 h一片话语,
6 R; ~4 B1 a$ q( u& l愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
5 I# P! D1 `/ m( ~9 \- T* f, P明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner" Q) r: W5 ?( X" i+ U
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
) v3 J  Y# Q* v: K这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling' u1 `8 ~, c7 `" A% o( _8 h
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..; w- X6 ?5 V7 G0 l! r
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,, P/ f1 Y# N/ ?7 t
我并不以为然。
8 `+ f( f/ P# h# F+ A: _可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
. E1 k( v/ J1 t( }6 I9 P慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .0 I! q4 {/ H0 {
被一种情绪所左右,
/ {/ |5 w7 s) _, V总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .( t/ D! {2 G5 M/ ]% n/ a1 B: J$ Z
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you1 N* v  ]% b1 b+ g" v
也不问我是否喜欢你,
" p0 c1 w& T& s4 V对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.4 d  x1 S# H6 R' L3 k
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
+ z, c3 v2 X5 e; M9 m) }$ i3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
4 N/ E5 }/ n" g2 N4 C  w$ R心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
1 E" w$ U) n% s& O# Y. u5 v然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
1 i( i3 x# T9 f5 H% C4 ^7 h$ e你的身影已化成一种氛围,  }/ f5 Q! o( R8 v& S" Y. {
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.5 r& K/ \, u$ H3 ^6 I# w
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
0 C9 J; {+ n2 e1 k' Y/ i随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字! S% ^% e; T) R
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
. t  \# S" h/ r. c# i' ?4 ^一种声音,and your voice+ w+ d' d" ^1 V& i* }9 P( y5 F$ M0 t# k
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.6 S0 I4 P; s6 z6 l9 p
掺杂著幸福的感觉。4 |' i& H( Q, Y& Y+ U6 g
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land  C5 P" Y( r0 v4 Z5 S+ U
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
: ]; U6 n8 F6 p' M倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
' i7 S- h- Z* Z9 o  t纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。8 p  e) R- l3 a$ Y# J: G
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
, ^6 t  L9 r2 E( h( L5 N* A有一个能够让思念的人,5 v( c& B; o6 z- ^4 Q* X
其实也是一种幸福。
+ {5 {( p" \& i1 r尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
* C* k# R. r4 Q柔柔的海风,9 ~) V2 H' y4 y$ [% [- `
甜甜的夏天。
, q1 Y$ x- G1 v" ~5 F6 A; n一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy ) K( m0 u6 H0 {- ?1 B% w1 `  B8 n
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
( o3 ]* g- _5 f% Y/ X# ~6 `仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
: w8 ]0 @7 u$ }. K想和你有共同的情结,# f$ Q3 x) M: n! p; c8 `& k- |; A
共同的心愿。
7 u2 }/ v+ [. G& i, g' D5 I: F
5 [9 G: s  `# C* x; z1 J3 k( V( R5 o# F
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
8 n1 D) w2 H$ [+ O' S一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together9 W6 m$ @5 ~" ]9 I! `; T( `
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
* h+ H* e% D8 t$ K$ }" @或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.% |8 }, p3 }  \/ J( [7 ^: w
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
4 q# Z1 V" L/ e2 p! C1 C我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, $ b5 ~* }  E, u! R
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”/ t; z8 ^0 Q; D1 ^6 n" ?* X
或是轻轻的一吻,
. v( G, G1 g1 S9 m3 s再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』; w  P0 M. t, B7 M' W4 p* p
就足够了. That is enough.
( I. X! Z- s0 o9 u) o, [0 B" d这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
! n% q: z$ H& v# ~2 B+ C终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.  g, r7 R9 F& |+ @9 L
萌出了芽,2 t7 i1 ]6 a7 ]
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing; I, b" q6 N. }# A# g
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
  n& f0 m. W4 i* g如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
. ^- ^/ E/ M4 S' Y! t) o能够牵著你的手,
  j; W- d: a: Z4 X3 H5 e) L$ A那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.' e9 h% @1 n- \  `6 I( f) S" [
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. $ o4 f& p; q1 c% g* P" z7 W
慢慢地细读,: T' u  D/ {& U& ]* |6 b  R! H
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. ; Y4 X; i( P" I; k
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 8 J/ c$ C: ~  d8 l! o
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
# J) b0 R. y7 b0 }6 z就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
# ?3 S* D4 X' s& h现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago5 Z6 a, t  b8 k& I, p- V2 U3 [
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.5 M) A8 [2 C) K8 h) d; S, F% G
change to:lacked3 _4 O5 V, w6 s! \! \3 q7 `
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool." J- o! j: o& G$ ~+ f2 \1 E
Cats often played at the whole hot night.5 D2 i: y& V9 K$ r9 O" ]& A6 h8 \
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
; r- K4 L* R. N改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.% C! D- x  t# K& M( q. L2 I
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
& v: N1 C9 {% K8 R8 K. R该为:throughyour hands.2 X6 ?3 c: x3 {  [5 T( ~( ?' V
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
6 j5 ?3 N' }4 O, r, `7 X不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
  M3 d' w3 a. p2 y至少比我强。& B9 r  P2 H" \0 D& C) E
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... : K9 x$ z* n$ \, }9 K

9 c: h+ A) ~& |7 ]7 X- L2 S这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。1 K9 f* S, ]+ a6 T0 }/ e
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.# n) B& R: f, l$ Y6 |7 @
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
) Z0 Y" Y" H" l; X/ {5 @3 F前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:( V7 p6 E/ G5 @/ N
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.7 `: o- q" q1 V/ |& j/ c
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
3 `2 K! h& I" h Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.8 a  R6 t+ x, H$ H& c% j$ Y
The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.; @. |6 D: m4 T) M, d
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.6 I4 V! a7 O  a
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
0 U% i" T* C7 U% gCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
1 W, w4 e7 ~7 t$ Mlike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
# L! O: M/ F/ F% E/ `I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.4 O1 l" w& h( t+ L& G
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
$ V) e% z6 g  \+ b' N' Y- y0 F' HThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
+ v: Y4 Q2 l0 R3 V* TI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.$ d/ k: W# S4 \
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.! o  }5 r/ r4 I, c! F9 i5 Q8 d& }
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?: w& ?+ c" ]7 F1 _: r8 ?, v
Intoxicated then feel cold," d, K+ }" A. t1 D7 g
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.# Q+ X  v& t% Q- y( G
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.* P; W. _" C* ^( W
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
+ W1 {) U, v/ \! wWhy I am always hoodwinked!1 B6 Q2 _: i1 `3 s
I have told myself many times cautiously
$ O& N0 R5 Q" e; y2 B" pdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
, U# T6 C, H. O+ K, g" ~; NThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
' Z9 u3 `3 A% S) K# H* F/ aWhy can`t I take it easy?
; d; [$ O1 t+ D9 S+ N& I  gHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
* t' r! y3 I8 \- TWhen the quiet night comes
; x/ E7 }1 g/ a) H. b& ?your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.# S- |6 M" q9 y0 x* X
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
* |( Q  d8 y; O6 H7 dYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,* |. X! @5 Z! K7 o( P6 p( S
light the dark corner in my mind.
( R' `  F" ^& E" X! x: U3 LI feel a bit of cozy.
& f& }) F. [' U  A+ ]The deep attached to you in a twinkling* m* W6 B' h) a% _5 @" b
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.+ m% \: G( R7 _, R- }+ c6 X
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
; h! l+ E* h; p4 t* d- r! |but accompanying with the time passed9 N$ C! Y! U3 Z, {
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
. C3 |7 {& \8 M  j" ^always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
0 g& h* p2 i/ B% E- M1 a; [7 EWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
% s, l# [8 r. v* [# X; honly feel gracious for your existing,( ^3 G7 l6 k2 c9 d+ G
onlt want to do something for you.1 h) W3 A& ]2 i: o9 t
Every time when you meet me
, k) Q) x; @8 d. I# wthe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
* W' M. A4 S! r" P; dbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere, ]% d" r9 P0 k7 ~
That live in my heart.) s& @4 K. V1 }8 m
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?$ j2 ^( a% U. Z/ F5 j
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
. V" I! @0 T6 d2 M) h, Ymake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
2 \  q1 o, f. Y/ A5 b7 Q6 aThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land' D: @/ v3 z# E% E
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.! k" T$ n4 B, h$ `# |
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,/ }. x2 T6 z% S3 ]! [) f/ j
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.# k4 K. Q: S; |6 L6 ?4 k3 V( j
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy % R& D, C# D  W
only waiting for you quietly0 t! O- ]& o7 O! C) P3 N
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.* S- s6 v2 g  h- U
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
4 l  I$ C$ ]) K- \+ j  ~; I( jand enjoy the rain washing together
% I9 v4 c: a; b+ {( k8 O6 Nor rush to a film
) s+ i8 h! y/ l. {. e. ior listen to a music quietly.
. K' I; j$ T' v/ Z5 IWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
7 E& k* D& X# U4 k$ KIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,* j% ]0 @- b8 s& D
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
, a1 C5 [/ J  F, pThat is enough.
) c/ U7 Z' e- {9 D, H1 E+ d! p4 k; J- fMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
2 G& `5 Z4 N1 Yfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,0 g0 ]/ S1 q: C5 V8 G
the same as my missing.
- r) d0 j8 {9 [/ x: UIt comes a little bit of verdure.. ]" K# G" P1 P& L. {. ^
If, If some day I can touch your hand, . s  S3 M) P4 l, }  e+ @- Y! A  ]
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.7 |# c& ~. y, q' w! x: v& p% y
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.3 G; [7 Z# s7 L) }  V- g- C
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.7 ?3 H. n; j: t  I! ?+ f8 s
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,1 g8 v0 {4 g8 a& G. @6 R- M
then I will have all care and ardor.7 V% w) E6 x6 k0 [& v
Shall we walk arm in arm?. ^4 L# b' x/ I$ l
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
大型搬家
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.: N( S$ `6 h- M4 c- M' `8 U, r
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around./ z( x3 X0 ]) G! C9 g
I am still the same person of yesterday.
0 S, e8 ]4 T* D6 D9 P0 w: t6 yUnchanged name, unchanged I.
4 m1 l4 ^0 c! w; z2 iSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
5 t: c) V+ o; g6 W/ k$ ]Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
1 p5 `* {  e, f2 C" N' [More or less,% m1 ~( K) m/ c+ h- R( t2 H
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.; n/ r' a) Z) j- I

* [* z6 \- C4 P! J6 \8 p5 N# DSummer easily slips away
1 N, x" H8 B( Q0 G, N3 n9 rThose long lost hot nights
% _1 d. y6 t) X# B can only be found in the old days. 3 t, N0 n6 }0 N( l

! y9 i! s" Y, }% `, V0 b! }Cats jumping over the window sills, $ m+ J% X; n0 p  p, R
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
. U; V7 J; E1 q' q& nGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
" P5 R0 ~. C# l- p  s% i9 ?- yLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.0 k% t6 s# C" Y' L9 h! [$ b4 x
I am still the same person of yesterday.6 i3 U' S8 q5 C
Unchanged name, unchange ...

! H- F9 [7 z% ^6 D& [
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ' ~# x' N* g% H3 W3 r
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ `! ?; g' {) O/ A
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.) s% E5 c( u9 Q4 c: u* x1 x
I am still the same person of yesterday.
& s8 q+ l" x0 b1 \8 E/ B# zUnchanged name, unchange ...

+ f. ?8 y. ?7 m! Z/ i5 Ii like it.
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