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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
4 o' d, r3 g  T3 _2 p1 i1 ^,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  ) ^, Y4 a  \  a' k& |
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
9 w/ q* H  S6 N" S! k$ z$ S* _/ |现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.9 _. u9 _! T# W- B* k
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.7 ?' J% ^0 p  ^  m/ D
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.4 ?2 s4 z% I, @
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
7 D" k2 ]) l2 V& q; d' _, W0 [- A猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
7 C. {* A/ T1 O: a" p. |' c9 w/ U就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
  y8 I; u" A+ s5 w! b我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及' K1 t9 Z& X0 W* U& H" |. O
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
3 |8 h$ d% \5 R1 Y) s0 |世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
% D8 S8 @$ r; w( V$ F6 D昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.- A6 ^3 X7 ]! {# w0 Q4 {
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
6 c# u2 Z/ N' w% t; X  R最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 7 q. M9 _, Y1 R* J
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?% j6 o4 U' s* `  V' {8 o' j
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.. V! ~4 Z: P! a  X7 n) N$ z4 W' q) Z
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
- s$ u0 J9 t; v6 E9 T最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
8 }; s/ c9 |2 Y$ {/ O" w- d多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?! R' V  {" l1 B9 N$ Z6 w
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….' Q( x5 B1 a1 Q$ @$ i5 w& k5 I
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously! b. U- B) R. l3 v( `" ]
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.% V* z. ?, v( G9 u: f
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation, 7 A: Z! U6 Y) R" F
为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?3 V) a( M% O# J  w- g
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!6 r4 Y6 w$ |& @& n" n
永难平息的泪
; _' b. o+ q1 y4 q- c+ b每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes$ N( `- `% c* N0 H: J3 n
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes./ j' w. ~- X3 b( N. t% }
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.0 a- [) N# V) Y
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,9 {# r9 @2 N0 Q2 H7 B' D; F! L# T( L
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
+ P8 ^) Q9 ^3 h* W9 R一抹微笑;
2 [: O; u: R8 Z' m一个手势;
' p0 @( I# N* z& [; e. f. O: M9 d一片话语,
& d' h& v& ]# U+ Q7 E5 W# N愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、- _9 p8 V* _% ?8 s+ _% n1 \+ k
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner/ m9 K* p( C+ @
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.3 J: n& O& F- h5 f
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
: J5 P( g" U; h6 E: A, [也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
7 k7 G. t3 f/ l3 }2 j$ @8 y& P起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
0 [/ o2 V( _0 S, b我并不以为然。
$ T3 ~4 [( z; y9 A3 R  H可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed , x6 [' C5 y$ x
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
7 N+ h' _" ^/ f2 L1 F% q1 S被一种情绪所左右,: `5 S+ u/ y2 h' I  u! K
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
1 y- _& m8 C1 g* g! D0 M6 w! k+ T即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you3 e, A' p) O  n& L# X
也不问我是否喜欢你,
+ z# z, ~0 x' z  r对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.4 f& @4 j0 n8 Y( ]# U- w. t
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
7 F( p/ y- e5 v3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
, e6 m  ]- r! g心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil/ {8 m/ c) i( y* G
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
% ]- P+ Q. T. _+ M% {你的身影已化成一种氛围,
' v3 {3 q! I" S' Y( n* o% ?记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
, ^, h. _: a9 ]  N8 N% E你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
* [  i. |) V, j随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
' G( p/ a# X: ]+ M哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,* N+ }$ b6 n3 k7 r2 i
一种声音,and your voice
" a5 b5 o1 A" z7 A# P5 {, f也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
: l. D, Z  j: E1 F; K( h掺杂著幸福的感觉。
  o" R  X  q6 o' {) R0 U* c6 C与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
: R2 a. P+ ]3 O  g  x5 A2 B象雪花般撒落在我的心田,/ @! F3 l# B) t( w# d
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.7 O7 w& C9 G+ ?$ y3 u: C
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
& a9 e6 c, x  ~' S你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
% ^4 ^) t" a6 p$ Z1 k有一个能够让思念的人,
, n; S+ O6 D7 [% U% k1 f' _7 u5 y3 y0 C其实也是一种幸福。$ R2 M9 C* D9 q
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. ' H$ }; C6 ?# L* v/ E! r
柔柔的海风,
( \7 Z8 F" k/ g0 {( |# @6 a甜甜的夏天。
( w- M3 f9 V2 @1 D% h2 T) X6 U一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
6 g" Z5 S3 I3 r只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
, Q+ e- j! K# o6 V# D9 Y9 Z5 R仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
  w( f# m3 @9 I& m& m$ V1 M5 _/ O8 |想和你有共同的情结,
0 |! ~: q# T- E! _' x  L共同的心愿。5 |" g( t$ ?4 x% w4 k

7 ]: ]  o& C; o  I5 K0 f% ^
  I3 ?% W' w. S" U好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you6 _" f3 P4 v. c4 V. k
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together% f& Z1 L" P1 j! L+ Z
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
1 Z) ], m" m( e$ D: _或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
4 E) _, N, C  ~/ H$ ~『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
+ I. ?# i  L0 C9 l9 P我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other,
3 q7 i; `- H$ z# }6 m0 D' A浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
& a$ [; K7 D& P/ u或是轻轻的一吻,
( r8 N# _9 L& Y; x" O再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』* v) b  u0 P2 l  P" a& O8 X
就足够了. That is enough.5 C& f, Z* C" g# H4 @
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! 3 H1 x# {; ~. z0 S% w: o
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.7 g4 \1 W( F0 ]4 P0 }2 p
萌出了芽," ~- P' s" ]" o' B, l
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
6 o5 O1 d( H- s; R8 X浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.9 X4 k2 m* ]: |; X+ L/ h7 _" _6 M8 t
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand
7 o; F  ?2 `! l4 \  X8 u能够牵著你的手,
# g0 U* ]& G4 |0 i. W那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely./ ^% `$ l1 p, q) D  }( g
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
5 l& P2 [7 z" s1 K慢慢地细读,3 Q2 B+ R% L1 z3 P2 |) _1 h2 d4 U
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
' ~$ g2 p1 M' d+ I6 H0 V. i& Q+ V在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
( o) q. P& @& U9 N我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
5 o; D& X: |! Z/ F! u5 D就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
8 s5 J2 B1 o0 E' c现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
0 A; t- N- ?$ W眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
0 o4 m# p6 F7 V! {change to:lacked3 V( o. V# Q( ~5 h
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.# x3 e+ D' p& [9 n5 Z
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
4 |* R: {& j* z. A. v7 d: c0 P 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及- S+ r  w' ?2 w. J
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.+ S. m# U3 k) c0 \, C- ^9 @2 ]* C5 W
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. . w' s4 O1 Z5 p) e# J
该为:throughyour hands.2 C5 b$ l3 Q" j0 F2 S: k/ D
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
/ {/ L# w4 l3 Y不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。. D; T( @2 e' }7 R3 x7 Q% E1 z8 e# V5 s
至少比我强。
$ |) v8 P/ G: Y: C+ e偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
1 V1 E7 m1 `, A
0 V2 h$ N$ P# p: x) i这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。8 T: {+ y2 r, ^
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
0 k7 Z  {! }  U# \: L. K6 c谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.3 O' A5 r; Q6 y: h1 A$ _
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:4 a: O4 n$ `( Z# w* {8 [- a) P: N7 s
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
" \2 `6 s: P4 s: U) ]( o; \# kPartial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
4 v/ F/ c* x( e" |# y+ C Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
0 l( v: Q- H% D. w7 gThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.& Y/ P% {- w0 b2 z1 d) ]7 H& y2 {
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.: I" g* Z) n& a" T0 X, O! z+ E
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:9 Z8 Q  K1 I$ Q/ `* ]8 ^
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool + r6 k7 R9 d* h& x9 |3 e% X4 x
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
6 ]% i( b$ }6 l7 d1 v* SI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.6 P" `2 K0 u/ v; x( n
The emotion and the carma only is a dream., g0 W- n2 z5 B3 b
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
$ J5 D# |. E0 i3 o( \* vI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.3 A/ W4 W* H0 @$ [
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.: h, j1 _" L- [0 _3 ]& R! D
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?# z: V3 i/ B* g8 ]* y
Intoxicated then feel cold,8 V% C$ s9 w6 B
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
/ r  N# J( ^  X9 D, S- z, KI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
2 C7 g0 Q  K- I" u/ F# iThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
  `' c4 d2 L, K, M% ^, k/ ~Why I am always hoodwinked!
6 i/ A$ `3 E  _  ~$ CI have told myself many times cautiously
+ C  W' \9 g8 V, M# Ddon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.5 J0 X1 P9 }0 }4 u  ~5 x- l
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.* Z6 \$ z9 ^) ]1 _0 J# _3 `  H- Y
Why can`t I take it easy?
. A( Q# H, f5 a4 ~- I( AHow endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
5 c5 M" f. d! EWhen the quiet night comes4 Q- T4 s$ Z$ n4 `& J3 O
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
8 `* A$ ~  o& {The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
  r% ?+ ?  H9 y; JYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,3 ?8 p$ X2 d' P; n$ Q
light the dark corner in my mind.
' Y0 M4 s/ ]/ ~7 D5 J! _I feel a bit of cozy.; p% ?& @9 B5 X& C, S
The deep attached to you in a twinkling5 ?' y. S6 J% v- }. C+ S
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.+ d3 u$ c) U! O3 \
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,; X4 J* Z) y' {+ @0 k
but accompanying with the time passed
: w! N; y" W& ?1 t% V( w$ NI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,* g# \% A! w1 Z. s$ x; s
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
  P- M: k' b- C8 j- bWithout asking if you like me or if I like you" `* u; r+ p4 A  ~* e1 [) [
only feel gracious for your existing,
2 @" U' M, S+ `' b. H1 donlt want to do something for you.$ y" `9 h# j% J
Every time when you meet me5 D1 f* W7 w5 b* E' H+ R0 F
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,' @4 R  ]5 D4 n# R9 a
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere8 F- P! g9 i9 w4 L6 U  F
That live in my heart.8 @! u1 p- u% O# ^" w
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?$ v/ N" c8 B9 v$ p0 W3 e
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice& p3 T# P( d7 O4 F, V: y2 h
make me gently distraught with happy feeling./ y- R& H1 {4 U) ?
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land7 Q% w# t' Q- P- R  a
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.+ Q# P+ `' C1 |" G
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,& k9 g, t, D0 x1 \  p2 d- I9 k* r  p
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer./ T; b- ?5 g# a2 D! j8 x3 x
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
' e/ b6 K- l% e5 Q3 s$ h& Q, l0 }only waiting for you quietly
+ C) ?; N- `7 x! b- Ejust let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
9 l2 k* @9 m- g& I# g+ d. MI really want to ramble in the small rain with you + n/ b- k# f% n7 F6 b' E4 c
and enjoy the rain washing together
7 H- ~+ F: C. @or rush to a film. ~& r+ k. C4 v1 Q8 d
or listen to a music quietly.
2 ^0 r( W$ u+ C' P" ^% VWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?; V0 M" t- H$ T$ S  ^( r
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,2 t9 ]" J- j5 c
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
7 }8 O/ M. U% P" pThat is enough.! |& s& Z: t; v* |1 e$ J9 T2 q
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,7 K5 T8 F3 P5 \8 n  W. H7 A
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
, m2 N. K( U0 k! K) j* T, vthe same as my missing.
* d2 |3 t0 R+ t2 Z8 y8 u' @- CIt comes a little bit of verdure.2 ^  _2 ^  [. M/ F5 v, S0 O8 S6 P: C
If, If some day I can touch your hand, & o8 ?( r  h, Z' a0 I! g- n! e0 c
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.7 M$ ?$ s1 l( r" k
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.' K; h+ Y# T# a
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
3 s3 ^% A7 L: tAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,9 ^# N% y9 E% Q' |0 {& J
then I will have all care and ardor.
1 U  R, `6 i, B$ GShall we walk arm in arm?8 ^. W- o8 \/ i
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
* I  b$ U3 b1 }0 r/ Z: FLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
/ O/ l$ x5 }9 w; o$ ]I am still the same person of yesterday.( C/ E( [. n+ |9 y5 d9 R
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
$ s6 }8 h) x% Q& I; E  LSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 8 N. U( L+ T- c$ ]
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.+ P* d/ d/ C8 d$ y8 q" i0 c( Z% D
More or less,
2 b% |0 D3 l) I; x6 v+ R) V a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
# Q* g) |9 u8 F" |
/ o, C& E5 ?+ zSummer easily slips away
3 s0 E2 k* [8 ]6 i  R3 w+ W& MThose long lost hot nights2 I7 h" [# w) _) [, G" M
can only be found in the old days.   M/ g: J- ^3 Y& x6 v
5 x0 {3 W* f0 Y' G# N) ?' q+ M
Cats jumping over the window sills,
0 r& C1 F0 y6 y" V5 X( h6 W& Dchasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 ' L" l" e$ P# @7 ]9 p
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
. I6 I% Q" H! _+ {( bLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
0 t8 C% M9 H2 XI am still the same person of yesterday.
8 z" D4 U! U& E* M) g' s( iUnchanged name, unchange ...

; ?& _, o6 n/ o5 F' m) k3 X, g8 i. @
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 8 Z/ E4 z" m0 u$ p& p' d; Q  ~
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
' z% u. d/ t& e. o, V& ULeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.! g5 j* X  Q4 y9 {+ p; G9 A
I am still the same person of yesterday.6 H: W1 Q9 ]" q8 u
Unchanged name, unchange ...
1 O* \) ]- X) }
i like it.
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