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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
' ^7 _7 Y9 b) D,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  4 q2 a  l% f8 ^. U) i6 A/ |6 W/ x
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
* p' z- \3 G6 Q) e1 |现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.* B' k- b( H6 c: ^, L* T3 c: C  S
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.- i& b: ?/ C. |! y$ e  V
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
8 V1 a+ [+ w5 m6 s8 d  z夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
7 F  V3 u( D5 s猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.6 C% L4 l' n/ T6 s
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.4 M/ y: Y" E: X. S* g
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
& w1 ~# |% p) w8 E2 W0 X那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。9 U( \+ L& j) \+ S
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.1 v0 I6 g/ U# b
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.4 m& [3 {7 P+ V- _' O9 }
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
4 d! m) G3 u9 h: z' y! x  j! F最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. 4 I  F! I. J5 q: g
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
! U7 r# f9 P' J. G% ~" ?: L醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
; w! V% a9 J  [  B# N迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
1 b4 r- x: p5 ~% O最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.6 z9 }6 ]- w4 b+ \
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
- d) P0 |6 l: Q  h) cWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….$ M# G# ^6 y+ @
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously8 s/ m. n/ q( I: I
不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.; ]  e# c7 o" E- H! h5 C0 u4 w
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
6 t6 J: d2 f- d5 @为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?2 }7 n0 U: l7 ]# l- ^% `8 T# t0 o
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
) V0 m9 t* F" i+ n, o% v6 S永难平息的泪$ ^, Y. h8 _5 {6 \0 U" ^
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes
+ n7 w0 D& d% f~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.) e( G' ~+ ~# b: Q  U7 n
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.) y1 u0 }. Y& C! i/ U7 k& @
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,6 @, c: z2 L' V" _1 T
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
, \4 j+ r, m. j1 `一抹微笑;' \, |9 }4 t" P5 G# G& s
一个手势;- G$ U  n, q2 _
一片话语,* F  q8 P" U( D' X0 i% d  l: m3 v
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、7 S  k: A9 |3 J( W7 U  R' Q
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
6 {% Y/ j- G. V心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.. }1 Q* n: o5 M  W0 \8 F
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling# j% r- H+ \: p9 n4 _( `) X9 G
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..9 d; S* o0 t5 e" I  q
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
, h  P. v9 |  ~0 \0 C' K) _- \我并不以为然。
6 x* L4 ~- r4 l' Y* p, I可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
  n# @+ T- @7 o% R) o慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .6 p$ o% |3 F% `4 f# l8 r5 J; W2 w
被一种情绪所左右,! W: ]0 H. P0 G) O4 D# c
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
) u. k& [+ R4 E& j9 W$ {3 b即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
( S! s7 u' U8 J  F0 `1 n! r/ B也不问我是否喜欢你,
1 w( V/ Z+ C1 C! n7 U1 k对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.& ]# X! N' L: r* G2 p! F; B* u
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
! j8 K2 `, h# B4 y- ~/ ^$ f0 I4 A' f3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
4 \( P) C  d6 I心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil' f6 l: s# }) A- X  z
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
- H( m) [& D7 s你的身影已化成一种氛围,
* W* H% \" e5 D8 X7 S4 j/ s3 S记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
: N9 @. @, a1 @7 |9 t你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
; Z! |4 q& ]" p+ V' P: J* s7 G+ B. f随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字( B& ?- m9 k- r1 J& n
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
& a# [9 I! z! K; e: p一种声音,and your voice
  a' J$ ^& ~6 s也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.5 [3 c# j, F' X3 o6 A
掺杂著幸福的感觉。8 {4 O& n# ^) K: c) e
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land/ `4 t1 H& C8 `% r. s
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
5 s1 d0 ^5 z3 _! W+ U倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.; x$ t/ h$ `8 T9 o+ z
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
- q3 U0 V" \- G- ~$ n你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
5 W( s  B6 Q* N有一个能够让思念的人,
2 _  E+ C) d6 A+ T其实也是一种幸福。
& g/ |4 s2 J% _尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
. R9 L- t% J: s& S6 k# x3 Y" h7 I5 H柔柔的海风,1 `0 ]* d6 p% v/ g5 r
甜甜的夏天。6 H3 ?5 z- g6 E( d9 H
一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy . r4 ^2 T$ ?! @7 ~- ?. J- i
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
- t% {: b  m( x, s仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.  l7 M+ E% M  I9 W% K; X+ B. b0 X9 T
想和你有共同的情结,4 D& N$ R" ], x
共同的心愿。- D: f3 ^3 V& V+ L5 I
2 ^" ^: M9 w# o* f: d' x7 c1 M
$ W4 @# S: l0 I3 q2 p, }/ E
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you. A" C. _. L. v9 t7 r
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
* {  d, R5 w: |或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film * K, k5 Q6 U8 w
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
3 P) P/ v5 r: B* n『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?1 Y# m% ~5 x% V
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, 7 g" U7 {! \* s+ v
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
5 ^$ g) I5 k5 H& m- D或是轻轻的一吻,
$ E/ l# R/ C: E6 z$ ~8 G6 }再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』( F  c8 Q* {6 S% `
就足够了. That is enough.
5 ]' x8 D4 {9 E. p$ Z; d3 j/ B这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
9 |! {% {3 I; Q终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
! G" X. T2 y. w* g/ P2 ^萌出了芽," ?1 R8 d1 V" p" p
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
) G4 C' U# c6 m/ l6 `( Y5 U& W; I浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.7 `0 R1 z3 v! l; `$ Q+ ^& e
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand" D. D1 w2 a; c& A
能够牵著你的手,
" e; L3 U: a1 ?那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
5 U9 m, B  z6 i7 F# ?, a* ^让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
) r$ J4 R+ {3 U* \: ~- B4 I: S& P# i慢慢地细读,
* x3 r7 ]. _% X1 L6 Z我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. & q; I4 D( _/ H& ]
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
7 n9 D* Z1 C2 ^3 u/ E+ z( g% ~我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor $ W) ?# o' J) J1 ~/ n& z+ v4 W
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:' |! S5 @0 ?0 D' _4 C8 M0 J  l
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
  A' d! x: S1 c6 f. C眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
" q5 q+ `5 ?& Echange to:lacked  T+ @& A6 A9 g( ?
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
! w3 t1 Q  Y5 aCats often played at the whole hot night.0 h+ W1 ~' A; ?# m! D
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
& P2 L$ ?! o5 a8 W# u( I改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.& Q# b- Z& y3 r3 Y2 l) v3 \; h
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. * j. D" X& ]5 x4 a/ J
该为:throughyour hands.
" A! ]/ Z0 B0 {还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
$ y/ Z/ ?$ |# g* N; f& t. ~不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
2 O0 W) n7 e2 [2 n至少比我强。
4 d8 C4 T$ L: j7 g# j* O" Z偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀....
' U" X% l6 C+ u2 d" [9 c; R# F/ `1 O! N' o- r* ~) w
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
0 b' W2 H. p2 P9 ]2 d后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.
4 \# C9 P% R/ N2 j# ~5 N谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
$ N. p1 |, O* C' B前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
) V/ W- f4 d$ l: F( nEarly morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
) N$ @( D" o& k# |Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.  ^2 D  |+ e9 t* N6 ~- Z4 I
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
% q7 b. v/ {: w8 t) s$ L5 mThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking., z& |/ c! Z! W, E' e9 A* m
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
  f  z  R9 R8 t8 E) VSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:9 z, Y; {4 B+ @3 K( t2 ?. _5 {
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool # e3 T! }7 A. d: ]1 I
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
' D5 x$ [( @; d$ w' qI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
3 R/ M0 L1 S4 UThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
& G* g' Y/ M1 n) w% \; x  ~* PThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.4 T  w" o6 B4 f( o; L( _) S
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
, H: q- O+ u* B7 ]I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
; V& w& L1 M+ E- SIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?- B0 n+ X, X8 Q' x: c0 r9 b/ @/ I
Intoxicated then feel cold,5 d. c9 Z4 I, q
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.; a1 j4 y, M1 A3 e& u
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
* N0 p& |0 H: O+ l! ^( cThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?. `1 h  d' X0 P3 `
Why I am always hoodwinked!
& G5 z" F; d+ v5 F* hI have told myself many times cautiously
% o9 c! \+ h* v9 y& g; l& \don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
- k5 f' ^2 g3 F* |2 |# xThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
2 q% U3 j6 N) k+ }& Y+ jWhy can`t I take it easy?; F& q* i) p2 [' H
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
* r+ T% }  z2 RWhen the quiet night comes
% {, |! k: }7 ~2 pyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.& D3 G2 {9 x' b6 s; F' k, Q
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.4 C) e$ F! `" Z9 m4 ]
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
  m" u8 ~6 y' z. ^% F5 \light the dark corner in my mind.6 i* L- K6 E! t2 R( l7 y- V- Y
I feel a bit of cozy.
# Z6 ~& U0 b8 f) {. Z: CThe deep attached to you in a twinkling+ V4 W# i8 b6 r, q9 {) }) g
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.* L) N! A% K  t$ N9 G2 L6 R
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
8 s. \2 w: B' A, Jbut accompanying with the time passed
; c" o5 L7 j/ O* y7 @' TI am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
, _% ?. G& a" E7 z, S: W1 G8 ?% palways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.' S4 t& o9 ]2 W: T& F% W* M
Without asking if you like me or if I like you) k6 ^% ~- u# A: ~1 V
only feel gracious for your existing,- O/ b5 K/ Y& w& u: [% K
onlt want to do something for you.
4 Z4 q2 g, V7 `  ?9 K7 nEvery time when you meet me
9 z7 x/ C' H. I% E( D; E2 |the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
. e2 b8 k9 K  l3 G; k4 U7 A1 Tbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
/ E9 L/ H& s. v) ]6 OThat live in my heart.
+ k' O" B/ a0 |5 Y8 dDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?' E4 l# t1 x5 @% R' M, `! b  M
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
  k7 j0 V* j0 A7 |' S8 [make me gently distraught with happy feeling.4 L' Q) q( c& `! C3 C
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land: H1 g% u- v: a
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.+ h: v  N) P9 Q; B2 t4 O
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,, F3 x2 G: O& F# s1 @
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.( a3 M! _. E0 t! R
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy $ H8 W) u' B) U1 |' p3 E
only waiting for you quietly7 v6 e, J/ w+ B: |% j5 p
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
- Y  `9 l. N4 @6 U+ }) U5 W4 sI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
) Y: F# |& p/ m" F+ rand enjoy the rain washing together
- b0 H7 u/ r8 [8 x) For rush to a film
2 M: `  K' U( L1 L9 p2 o* C, gor listen to a music quietly.
8 R; F/ s" N$ W  |6 n4 H9 d- I+ a; PWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?6 N2 d9 h- ~/ d8 O3 i7 y
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
& O+ G! Y& c" B; ?( n" v: ~% u3 msmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you"., G$ Z7 ^' A4 [! z4 U, ^
That is enough., W1 W0 A8 L9 B2 |* E9 `( d, A1 Z
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
; [' m& P* |& F7 {3 j" Afinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,. r3 `1 H( f2 `* l
the same as my missing./ {( I+ _2 w! J; B2 Y
It comes a little bit of verdure.
6 U: ^( N" K! @. j) S# W0 xIf, If some day I can touch your hand,
1 L8 K+ ]4 e# e4 ^& @+ ethen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.- D7 W4 e& I/ J4 O- s0 ^2 ^
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully., i+ r& y7 Z7 K9 ?* P+ \) e5 \; x
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.9 x' n! x0 J* ~& y" o9 ?+ Q
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
: E) ?' ^. `' U5 Gthen I will have all care and ardor.. f, G6 S" I' K0 {1 u; L- p
Shall we walk arm in arm?; i2 y- y! n) O& ^9 _3 O. C
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.( D- O5 w. [: P; Z9 F4 t
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around." }- }$ x4 r( x4 f5 e4 F5 D' Y
I am still the same person of yesterday.
+ Y5 [. @  a% E) Y- G" g- NUnchanged name, unchanged I.
* A) c* i% `2 y2 {2 e2 d+ }Same messy hair, same shaggy bag.
$ [8 I+ T, C: H2 F1 LLaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.% J/ v) V7 ~5 Y
More or less,& F. V( _: S- u
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.+ m! {. L& M" U# d2 p9 H

  V% [" M/ b( L+ jSummer easily slips away& r$ r- n8 b; L; ?5 \9 X" S) c
Those long lost hot nights
7 F- I+ I- c- T8 Z) D can only be found in the old days.
/ |: Z# V8 X. c8 P( ~- _0 _3 i( I7 G/ k% `5 T! Y
Cats jumping over the window sills,
2 j/ }! e+ d, J" U# V" [. p# s; U% i7 Achasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 8 s+ R! l" g' A3 G: v
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
+ a2 I3 U7 W% `+ A: V+ C* a1 `Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.: c) ^2 s9 a( \. r8 l' _
I am still the same person of yesterday." ^0 m4 {" L; M* A) Y5 G7 B+ e
Unchanged name, unchange ...

/ G! ~' D, i5 e, E
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 " B7 _3 |5 x9 T
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ e* P, S- M. l. I1 z
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
$ @* h4 h8 e, `% ~I am still the same person of yesterday.6 j/ V+ s+ Y2 d# ]6 W' o4 _* j0 I6 D
Unchanged name, unchange ...
) K( n' [& s" G/ w2 |
i like it.
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