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Dress Code: # F0 n! d/ A& d4 C7 `
1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
% h; [) r, V! @; m3 u$ |( J' ]5 M2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
6 I& a! A u3 W3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
, [# |3 q1 Y+ m2 a0 w3 X: {4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
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Sick Days:
8 a8 Q( t1 A5 n. h" B; XWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. : ~$ E, z6 p- g5 A/ |& x2 H' G
1 e' l6 x7 Y n4 {2 N. WPersonal Days:
# _# S4 f# N8 ]) x3 W; ~' SEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. ! o: T4 A. z& @$ a9 |( o) n2 C$ b& }
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Bereavement Leave: ; M, H7 u+ h: F& R
1. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
3 ^1 l6 q6 s8 E' Q2. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. 6 t4 X: a1 S* h% n' h" u
3. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late af ternoon.
! f1 j7 n& b( w% f# `4. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. * E% }: ]6 Z% Q$ [
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Bathroom Breaks:
( Z% H5 ~1 g/ \! a' r: t1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
% h4 u: q& V6 G% G0 _( @& [* W# p1 }( V2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
3 o- g r/ H) j$ G7 c! P6 K3. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. * l }9 [9 p$ h, U: @
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
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n* l5 g1 N7 v; x/ j- ALunch Break: : h! G3 Z7 g( l& b! _# x- a
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. ! p4 l) A1 {! t, K# Y( U
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
6 U7 y- |9 R: J! c3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. $ ?/ h t! _; Y* l% ?; G8 c" ]
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Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation s, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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, ]8 b( \4 t3 Y* I$ [9 L4 f0 sThe Management 2 u! U$ K" {2 P, E
" U: w5 e1 d6 j' t7 T( {2 QPass this on to all who are employed. |
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