我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
& Y! G* F  o; M
6 M; w% m1 l: L3 lI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
" t, ~% z2 Y* [( f$ j" i; d# f
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
4 `! l# c7 A/ K* \And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
: t9 J! L3 y$ i) R$ |  ~* r
, ~; T2 K8 z! V7 [4 E! p0 T. B8 nI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
- g3 o% s; C* I% qYou blame me everything and everyday
8 B4 n: ~  ], [) dAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
, C# [$ x) M/ C+ B9 y2 ~. X# a6 oSaying no good for making funny sound
! Y7 \2 F. @: D  gI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

9 c+ U) `# {7 ~9 {% K/ WI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
8 |/ F( n6 X, C6 K# U+ I$ m3 |And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
0 W7 `% K6 U  w1 S; M$ rand I am helping you to improve'

" K3 g2 ]3 E1 U) \: m, Y& RYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
  n  b( r. K9 n  @+ R+ m) K
# C: N. k& U. S( a' @unfortunalety not my heart
% c7 E* _$ {3 v# }6 {# c' AIt is slashed by you
8 @. F% Q( K# E. \4 t  Q% {and I am seriously hurt
$ k! g/ I& e9 i2 _
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
( y+ g% z4 \2 Y, t: X/ `# u+ X1 ei am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

# @' A# ^! M. Q5 P( o# F7 Gwith the charm,
5 Y0 C/ K. C& bwith the simles.
0 i2 Q4 `/ v& N( s/ k% WI fell in love with you
% T0 n3 N! f7 g) v- M: M* B9 eIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
1 [$ O, q) @. l% N: p6 j' K
Your lip is so soft
6 r) K. ]+ B2 |9 v( pthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
2 j: D/ v/ z2 r3 S6 t1 w, p: S4 P! X  a$ D
! J2 r9 C* j( ~) UI am deeply in love
2 L5 |% f' j5 y0 A  GEverything from you is so charming
4 h- h4 T4 N, p4 ]* M8 Y% C( C! Palthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
% M) v6 r* c$ |# a5 qBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

6 W- C- Z. o  c+ o7 I0 g8 |
His hello is the end of her endings
; F+ R; u) |9 tHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
; ?8 n# E6 ^- B) _His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
4 X9 I$ C; E- [3 d! Z6 eI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
8 d$ F. e9 r* W, v: I
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
5 R* ~! p" B" `( f7 H  E, x
It's amazing how I felt
$ m" [9 A( M0 W  K( @0 r0 l4 A3 V# _when I was with you
% E. h: e0 g% |) d" C( _1 g( n, hMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
$ p) m, s' X  L- w' Y# HHoly Jesus, you were so cute
8 O4 O/ a3 y, t2 [0 |6 Q3 k- _+ _
You left me without a word
& [" ^1 ]3 p1 II have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
' ?9 p6 S3 R# ]5 x0 ~8 k# q+ n你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
- W5 g$ W. v+ ~7 I/ b阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
. C( M. C+ ~; E$ @- }+ e- ~. E* _我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
; p5 N, u! q; |. D+ z! v! _( j
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 p1 G4 n- I9 e1 K' b7 \6 k$ v8 c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
& N: J2 s( {' \) b阿,我爱你
2 a- J4 `$ e$ z! T* p1 q  \你让我心跳好快
% ?5 }1 l' D" f( U( B8 i" @1 D你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
5 s- O  E+ w& U3 T3 a4 |& V不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

% k" x$ d* B. g; O- T! r
, A: O0 {) ?3 l2 F靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
1 y6 s' T; P2 E9 I* V

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。