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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
+ M+ O$ _/ ^. D3 u' x% j/ p
- d, V/ O# q0 j% b: o0 A- H  L8 mI fell in love with you
" h3 i- ~8 C+ ~8 o* V7 m9 JAt the first week we met, M' ]' z4 Q# B' |
- M3 W% D& G* c% y/ c; S
You have charm, you have looks3 B5 o" b: W3 J  i0 K( |
with full of pimples in face6 |2 E, l* D. G2 A6 ^+ Y0 |
As spotting sky at a summer night
  X9 M& s$ M; i: X6 ~" ]They are shining stars
( o2 O+ G5 n% d- X9 i7 W8 v- |0 ^  Z0 e! m9 Z, S1 Y
Your lip is so big
( o, F8 ^& \2 U& Y1 q% e, ^8 eAnd that’s good for a kiss
; _5 ?: h8 \  I2 V) a; q4 R3 ?$ ?Your body is chubby+ W. d4 a  E( _* W
And that is good for sex/ d  H" r0 X9 I$ |# b
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I was deeply in love
* L0 _6 d2 G+ |( p4 I5 rEverything from you is positive: O/ [7 c/ ~# y& g7 G/ n1 T, z
You blame me everything and everyday
% w, |+ _1 e0 M$ p4 e) l: NAnd I think all girls sound like* l* q- E  P) R* v! a6 t

; s* [  n* ?$ y4 v, ?9 F  D& AYou could not stand my eating  |6 |, v8 a& e2 {& n
Saying no good for making funny sound- _) Z3 D! v3 L1 I: _/ b
I think you are perfectly right) a/ U3 @* H! c* T" m* t
Eating with sound is a pig
* ~3 i& v$ u4 X/ W" c7 {4 p0 [  k' {  A; A* f5 C
I fell in love with you - f' Q; t& b/ A$ w% M: `
Become a fool to think
* r: E9 Y& T! k8 A2 b9 T$ uAll trouble things you did% N$ `+ v0 h: h! ^
And that is the price for love, u; W% j2 t" n3 t
" o' l  y" B) q) p% o
you are deeply in love" b5 V. R: U) B  n( _- I/ S
Everything from me is negative- y7 v( z) }9 [  d5 a" J" c
"My man should be like this,
% `. ]+ R, z( gand I am helping you to improve'( P1 x* e; J2 d5 Z1 {$ N2 }
* j7 [  p2 w3 R0 j# j+ l
You are loving me
$ E1 @5 p) o& V9 t' @2 ^) dor that one in your mind?
$ _7 {9 l9 }" N* [My mind is like a mud2 u/ D# {5 }7 h$ ?
can be shaped whatever you want/ `2 d! }0 W0 M7 f

8 W7 z7 ~: q% j  G: D% m, Q3 Punfortunalety not my heart
( h+ \/ \3 y6 q2 f  Z7 b/ K2 nIt is slashed by you
4 o  `0 p2 b  n+ n8 Q0 nand I am seriously hurt
7 f6 J8 R" J7 S
! k) y. s" A* d# B5 M" P# DI will never love another
" T5 j8 Q$ x8 j: |- ~% d" d  m2 WIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 1 f( d1 f: e; |+ M: ?1 t& G
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

: o+ _/ M% x( @& E$ s( ~2 l$ B- }4 Y/ {; _. W" ?
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!. g% K! w$ d: g4 R0 I9 U
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
& j, t! n& g7 w6 @" K, r  s$ Ti am sorry to say that ur poem sucks." H- \- w# d& }9 O) \+ E  q
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
! o2 }9 I% x9 E7 l( D: K" H8 t" Q+ {7 q( ]
with the charm,
0 ?* {7 U4 {% r4 |: s8 @with the simles.- H) i. P7 b" s/ f* c9 Z! U! I
I fell in love with you ! k" m! }# |) k$ V; n+ O, c
In the first sign.+ h5 `' J; _$ G7 ?$ I
As spotting sky at a summer $ u2 n! b# B7 c7 Y5 m/ |

: B. T5 h) M; v! kYour lip is so soft
$ t9 |# _8 ~8 ?& n/ f1 [there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
7 W- z9 ~+ y$ I2 M, jYour body is so sexy
3 t2 x2 A( c4 T# ]# A5 v8 u  lAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u., `5 |& c2 L* ~* A/ r

4 a5 ?: v9 b* xI am deeply in love
. A. K8 r0 h. U# FEverything from you is so charming
6 G$ P( H: \7 C8 o7 yalthough You r so picky for me ) ?8 X, _) D) [0 Z! k& ]+ q2 \
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
# W! Q% I  Z5 b4 cBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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8 w: B5 G  {/ G/ w0 |
His hello is the end of her endings/ l8 J5 {* y1 G% V
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
; e! z+ Q2 |9 @. U6 @8 z) MHis hand would be hers to hold forever% Q/ a8 Y" p  R7 H% \: W  l( M
His forever is simply as her smile , `& D4 L  \* S9 W- m5 d* y6 k+ s
He said she was what was missing6 N) A3 J) x3 N6 o5 t. E( \. ^
She said instantly she knew
' ]1 a2 m, u# W& b9 O7 uShe was a question to be answered' a6 h" x, F1 z. ~/ _0 h
And his answer is
* R0 ?, S9 p  t  V6 q# zI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
3 ?7 [( `5 j* d! I( O. d7 e% e) w" Q# j1 Y( U+ m7 e
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
. M: l- @2 b/ A" A: \
& J- H& L5 N* [6 `It's amazing how I felt 6 x/ N* _: ?4 U$ y8 `/ i2 O! l
when I was with you
, {( H5 ~& v* x9 Z  h: {My heart beat so fast! O. P" L/ J& f2 Q4 |9 Q3 R2 j4 P3 b
I looked at you and thought
% w2 B5 n# B% s8 i* _- |Holy Jesus, you were so cute
) b1 a" a8 f- y! q4 K- j2 |6 d  N
# o! @# U% e( i$ K% YYou left me without a word& S* |7 w) T/ ~2 @- B
I have nothing except my emptiness) k( {5 m' [2 q' _5 p
My mood is like a cloud. Q' Y) q/ C( ]6 L% K# O
How could it be dispersed?
( K6 c, x# t- O( T  z* V- r5 ]
' q) H' p7 K2 ]" x+ R& N: K0 rFeelings bite my heart
! s: }& N. Q; [$ oYou are the right one I wait
6 S) ^: b1 U. U; R) A2 NIn the depth of my soul# j- F0 @1 a4 [  [6 s( |5 n# G
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美: d% g" U2 _1 E3 P
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 ]( W" I, r- B7 b% @就和用中文写一次# ~, e5 G% ?' |! K! l/ `
阿,我爱你0 U( Y9 G" O$ |$ W+ Q* M
你让我心跳好快* b% a* `& B8 e$ T7 n8 a
你让我脸发热* U9 Q$ P+ f- C
我爱上你的大嘴唇3 n2 V7 M9 {& H9 ~% Y1 G
XXXXX8 Y) ]+ }0 S8 {
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?' f. m  C8 L- N- h% q

, E% o9 F6 d6 C, X; z7 i" s* y如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
5 B- ?' ]9 X* u3 p  i6 G, g至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 / O  a. U) F5 D; r, {; Y
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 M+ V* h/ [/ S
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 \3 U0 T- C! f; C就和用中文写一次2 l1 S0 x2 q; o8 s: b
阿,我爱你
$ z% C" X0 b1 w$ d& R0 E6 `你让我心跳好快* |; k1 C) _/ E+ ]- a7 @
你让我脸发热
! j6 c  ~. \* J  A! z) V我爱上你的大嘴唇( e! o' c  i1 T( [2 O8 z, \5 g! j3 N
XXXXX9 L2 D( L; C$ D, j6 T6 o6 \# l
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

5 c" N( F3 C# c$ O
4 q" H3 Z7 O0 h1 O靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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