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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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I fell in love with you - R$ R& V/ P2 H% U- p3 A/ `; O0 w' e
At the first week we met4 A% g: H, y* K4 V' k# t

( M" ^/ Z0 a/ H8 B0 E, kYou have charm, you have looks
+ o  l, v" h1 e$ ~with full of pimples in face8 E$ t2 x* v. a2 R! M9 L4 k
As spotting sky at a summer night
1 h$ L( v3 P/ F; b9 N$ n0 qThey are shining stars
1 k. b; R4 W2 a$ i7 ?0 o
, L. u7 w" Q  a5 X' TYour lip is so big
, Y* V! }& N2 C7 s0 l& V7 W8 PAnd that’s good for a kiss) e0 O4 z& ]4 E) @4 W; _. C) |
Your body is chubby( k; r4 T: h5 z  O5 K1 r3 \
And that is good for sex$ a; y. \/ l2 p; c* [" p

" F: d$ G2 z5 j- U( N8 w! KI was deeply in love8 S8 S/ J4 e/ x# P
Everything from you is positive7 ]+ F0 Y& G* Q2 p9 U5 R: A+ G- [: w, N
You blame me everything and everyday0 ?6 G3 G6 x* l0 R7 {$ X3 [/ v7 g
And I think all girls sound like  f/ Q5 B4 a/ A# n2 c2 [
  K- B. z7 l$ ~$ C- s6 x, L& T
You could not stand my eating
' S6 z" e" o0 C* N2 x* `9 FSaying no good for making funny sound
) r9 t( \5 I5 _4 Y8 i4 X. iI think you are perfectly right2 X! T( \0 G% u4 ~- ^; L* J
Eating with sound is a pig
2 C& K: E8 `9 k& F+ b$ d0 s
! l  l3 W  w  C7 d) I6 p. Y8 H# |+ CI fell in love with you 6 i8 p8 y2 x5 ~+ b8 q. I1 `
Become a fool to think# g( J/ S7 l# v: z
All trouble things you did$ D$ }( g, G8 A& r, S
And that is the price for love& M  i! M+ K) k/ E* C

$ B  ]' Z; m/ P4 g0 L8 Y' }you are deeply in love
' I; R5 x" E! J# s1 X, MEverything from me is negative' R0 ~! H* M& D" M' c! o
"My man should be like this,; i9 ~$ `# Y; |
and I am helping you to improve'  ?/ U; U3 F: H" \: ?* Y
+ f8 T- p7 r" ]* Y9 W, @9 v3 t
You are loving me $ t% G+ U  ]& ~
or that one in your mind?" _* c" h2 A$ l2 k. Z0 O' n6 X+ S
My mind is like a mud
6 T4 ^4 f$ @% ^9 a: L' z9 ]; W2 ucan be shaped whatever you want
. m8 \* J2 v. _" p- i7 `9 y$ d: Q) Q( [0 @. j/ W: @
unfortunalety not my heart* f! I& D# s6 n- ]
It is slashed by you
. C9 j" d0 ?+ o2 k+ b; |and I am seriously hurt
1 p. F8 u& g' |7 Z4 Z+ i9 t  m) H; T; N# I) S7 V* Y! y: u
I will never love another ' [% p! I% m* U( E. w, Z) @+ G
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ; M5 }2 G. g. F. _
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
- o# j, d# ?, g. ?

5 d  |% u0 \4 G3 d2 n咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!- a- j' _+ Z2 `7 v2 k
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
4 b1 o2 w, w; O8 V2 _- mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks." N" D1 F4 X( [! w8 `7 J
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed' R# }5 K" k* a; d% W2 C

, h* E+ R2 t- U9 O- k* H: X' ]with the charm,
8 s' g& ~$ C8 P' ~$ ?* {8 k% e. x# g. ~with the simles.8 |+ K( x5 }1 }7 b( k2 j0 g5 u6 t* f
I fell in love with you 7 j, U0 S2 G. K- G8 [# Z! j
In the first sign.' m2 R% L- |7 C& i9 B% Y# c5 \) ^5 A  b
As spotting sky at a summer
& r6 Q7 b6 Y, _' a, I' o2 z/ M; L* }' k' ?# ?# [4 A/ `* |
Your lip is so soft
+ `4 ]1 l2 r9 C+ @there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
9 {. A4 I: l$ D% b; n; qYour body is so sexy7 N6 ]& I8 N8 Y$ H) d
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.2 K) |- `8 H* F" T* ^* ^. ]
) f; z2 A3 Z: _3 i" K# n5 N* d+ ?8 d, P
I am deeply in love( c1 F* b. D- G
Everything from you is so charming
  m! K6 D& I- A# z3 Salthough You r so picky for me
6 n7 ~$ v! H7 r3 n$ H2 i8 ^3 L0 TAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
3 U6 ]. O, l, P' @: vBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
3 t$ x6 l% L% L, J% g1 P8 @3 D+ d6 _/ |& l6 ?+ d# F; l3 S

7 _5 A5 o" {1 X: Y. ^: Q9 aHis hello is the end of her endings
& K, j# G: \( a6 k  t% pHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle, b0 ?" x& u. [7 D
His hand would be hers to hold forever: E- E, p' O) q" H
His forever is simply as her smile + b$ b% c  }/ ]7 S, k
He said she was what was missing
- r; {5 h- e6 L1 U, BShe said instantly she knew
6 V8 ?' I& W& y, TShe was a question to be answered( b/ e; K+ N: }0 ^
And his answer is
' ]2 t8 ~- d3 _  X& O6 u+ Z3 }I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
5 o0 ]. U9 j3 w! b' Z$ a/ }1 c  x* M7 F! n9 ]. Y) E" {7 v% k8 F! C
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
; Q5 |- w# U: N& [/ H1 b5 B) [( x4 h7 Z) N
It's amazing how I felt
: A( W, E$ K+ z0 O$ ?8 j& bwhen I was with you
( _% V1 A" k. I/ a! l1 P, jMy heart beat so fast
" {9 R3 E4 J0 w' e) f2 R6 OI looked at you and thought
3 u9 F& s5 ?; ?- J* w5 f* ?4 ~" ]Holy Jesus, you were so cute1 D7 m' ]7 M8 H! O

- a( J: {0 k0 @, _: q5 e/ H% vYou left me without a word
+ ^! m0 B2 U% w# j; qI have nothing except my emptiness! ]7 B( ?# `3 L$ ]/ j
My mood is like a cloud
+ [' J- }+ i& [: c' w& gHow could it be dispersed?/ k& e. U% r) `% g6 k& x$ M

  E- v, R- ]1 n. |Feelings bite my heart
8 r. Q. P; T/ U% qYou are the right one I wait' y! z+ |' D* p: P' h/ ?9 a) \$ v
In the depth of my soul
( U9 `. R. p* @$ z: O! G9 XI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美/ K1 p! q, e$ u0 r- I8 r
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道- m  J5 c3 H- Z! s( g8 j! s( n, R
就和用中文写一次8 `- B8 ]7 c* X
阿,我爱你
8 m. U# S; w% f8 _你让我心跳好快8 c) e7 L3 y) U
你让我脸发热
$ ~4 E0 @- R# R, y5 |我爱上你的大嘴唇8 d4 Q& A3 |( P- J9 k
XXXXX
4 }2 X' X) M$ |* d2 ]* f# T' v不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
; b: x' p2 J! r3 H0 u8 H* N. }  v3 B  R# o  {
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER5 x0 a8 n8 l1 F$ D2 b1 `
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
8 q2 j, c3 y  E3 A. \& A6 _3 @闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, I- Y  _  s* p( B) `你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 C. a# {  {/ ^* ~, ?+ @9 a2 m) @就和用中文写一次5 d" z2 V/ Q! D, }/ V! L5 p
阿,我爱你
* d' w# s) V/ v/ g1 n& m7 I你让我心跳好快6 R) b+ W" c' t
你让我脸发热
* R% D+ L# y7 p1 j% b: @我爱上你的大嘴唇2 c  d7 D8 \5 L% e( g  \& p8 U
XXXXX
2 m" K4 V$ }2 R% E" q不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 f$ z6 r1 N/ p) x/ [5 D3 b
- @( x2 a8 W9 h1 F  i7 T1 |4 q靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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