我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
0 Z7 Y3 X& Z0 J# F. D- k  U
& I, A1 Y. \- NYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
  [% O7 W0 h: X6 _
Your lip is so big
. }2 s* a; Z3 o9 l- t* d  {And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
8 w! p3 u& `% s, F: A8 ^- ~And that is good for sex
+ G1 y1 p" B( B4 O
I was deeply in love
3 d. i8 I4 m+ e# ?7 Z4 Q0 dEverything from you is positive
" }* p4 A; s4 L9 J+ Z% P7 vYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
" x! p! q4 S/ `0 S
8 y+ f6 h& S. s$ P; e" \" FYou could not stand my eating
6 N* e/ M# J  hSaying no good for making funny sound
9 V% f# G' F! n5 g6 K0 a& |I think you are perfectly right
4 z& b7 x4 V0 {* ^8 WEating with sound is a pig

4 I4 q) E' q0 A9 {( lI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
; f8 e* e  B1 Q& eAll trouble things you did
/ Z0 G: I- d) _/ S- w6 |1 l" SAnd that is the price for love

( |3 e: S9 u. p2 S$ i9 wyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
2 \5 Q9 r6 d- L4 d; L"My man should be like this,
4 t, d& Q( }. i# rand I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
7 h' O9 p$ I/ k* ]( y! M# I8 W8 n" }or that one in your mind?
4 w, S' G: t# j% ^- d7 g0 d* f# hMy mind is like a mud
# I& F/ a& t5 `9 i! G9 e8 ^) t: ican be shaped whatever you want
+ s; K' i3 I: t4 [8 x5 o
" j" \3 [9 H0 V9 u- x, q/ Sunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
2 H6 k$ s7 [& ~* X# B6 C: l$ emy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& t% F  F: s: v9 [3 N
with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
! s& c0 `( H& M# W$ q* DIn the first sign.
, ]/ G4 e9 T/ y+ {As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
5 y' O( |7 x% e5 r0 g; t2 ^0 Fthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
' V/ A5 _$ u3 Q5 pAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

# O6 [3 K1 Z9 b8 `I am deeply in love
0 a7 X3 x, F2 c$ JEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
  R% y1 [* \3 @( d) ]" zAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
2 H0 j- N" s! [( y% M. H: ?Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
" L& }, d4 W  p- f/ \He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
5 ]$ u0 F, C0 a2 C# aAnd his answer is
! Z+ i" M6 J& p" ?. w2 w* DI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ P  W. ^$ e3 b) F! R3 ^  _6 D
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
, o; I& ?" w& O' O% G* @4 {. p6 _" N
- q1 P/ O6 T: z! }9 `% e: O0 R6 rIt's amazing how I felt
) h8 N* V' ~; r& Z7 Qwhen I was with you
, F8 G7 p1 `0 h+ q0 \7 Q' s. oMy heart beat so fast
3 M5 v: `  Z. ?& C5 }' `I looked at you and thought
) a6 _+ t5 b9 k% ~4 X  WHoly Jesus, you were so cute

8 f6 p1 F& g, J& d. k# MYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
) f) T" }9 g% r2 t) U: F: OHow could it be dispersed?

9 X# [$ O0 z" LFeelings bite my heart
' C% ^5 ~9 w6 B- |. P" t" W/ qYou are the right one I wait
' O/ _( N& F/ I( }4 ?In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! [" W6 Q, B0 U( r, w. a$ j/ Q6 p你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
# V, _* B4 _) t4 p: |' V阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
7 `8 _  y* I9 E- p% a你让我脸发热
+ W& A: i9 d" W$ U我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
& }9 O6 ]% I0 l( K( ]) x不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

: ~4 Q0 _: A0 Q如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
4 V) p$ K" L8 M你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
  f  M$ z0 n8 G阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
7 P6 N& ?  z! \) J4 V. m: ]你让我脸发热
  \' X7 s7 x- ?/ R我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

) Q. q. a5 u. Q; O( `$ X. Y3 n; b靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。