我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

, {8 T, G4 [% E9 o  Z7 UI fell in love with you
& a/ |1 r: r  \3 }2 t/ hAt the first week we met
, |; X1 I* T+ j0 B( V. r+ O
/ ~: U2 G% u: _You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
" {4 L6 U: l3 G0 x2 Q- l. C2 IAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

4 a3 Z  [/ f2 K' iYour lip is so big
0 ]+ [- o" X% L; m+ x/ ^And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
1 B+ |' e" |3 L6 ~, U' pAnd that is good for sex
; J% d/ f1 S3 H& h  A0 O) o
I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
  M& x3 ]' [" G
% ~8 Y7 B" F' b3 U7 n1 NYou could not stand my eating
5 ?/ D0 D1 V+ `( sSaying no good for making funny sound
" z* e  \- G, x4 O7 ^& i& V* E$ \I think you are perfectly right
" R$ U* L6 ?$ B1 z# j$ z% sEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
+ f  y5 z% g& [. V. F$ @Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
5 t/ i( y) P# Q) A8 @Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
. m* C  q7 a- _1 K$ K; j$ band I am helping you to improve'
7 u! m7 W) u+ n+ X8 p% `
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
3 o8 C6 g: A/ B+ l1 D
unfortunalety not my heart
) y& {% F7 I. j, q9 {* ]  K5 nIt is slashed by you
# A" s  D4 d7 |* m' Wand I am seriously hurt
( O4 s! t0 G) \" }
I will never love another
+ q' }' l8 ^+ b. r& |, tIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% Y( i6 n- U3 T* A  i, b; n
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
( W9 Z5 e6 t1 r) Y8 L% S% hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

, S8 E( Z; T5 ]" p& Z- u6 Y* Dwith the charm,
with the simles.
; s/ U8 E$ ?& II fell in love with you
: t! q9 t  |* mIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
0 q' Q" n7 f  L* P) I
Your lip is so soft
- w( r1 t7 \. V/ K) Ethere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
& v6 D9 c# s( q# P
I am deeply in love
+ m7 ]. z: y4 a" y" R7 I5 ?Everything from you is so charming
2 R- Y# P8 {& N) F- j- \1 K& H# }although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
! f& b) C* d* \6 s, MBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
. o' X: H3 b1 a; F7 a' {( [0 IHis hand would be hers to hold forever
! Y1 @9 l- q1 G" _5 S) zHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
" C0 j* ]9 h0 Y7 H* r$ d, zShe was a question to be answered
; g+ ?! b* y- SAnd his answer is
4 E- g! K" m+ S% f  q1 nI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
% A" u- r/ C& F! z' t1 U
4 W. h. ^8 J( A/ z- xBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
8 I0 c0 r9 K; vwhen I was with you
% t& l9 \- q6 k5 bMy heart beat so fast
4 |% C8 x! I6 J" {; {I looked at you and thought
# {+ r; E! ^# |- }8 X7 F/ l! HHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
& M8 o1 h9 e2 c+ {) v% SIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
# v8 _- ^2 |2 x2 H& k8 h你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
0 o- k5 @; r, H: u就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
4 f6 C/ L% O+ }0 x; Z4 M我爱上你的大嘴唇
) |' ^: i0 T5 Y- kXXXXX
( ]" ]% x) r7 s不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
; C9 W% o5 R. o. z1 Z6 z* a4 S至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
% ?6 d. {9 a* d) A9 l你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
. }$ J+ M, l4 N# J就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
! K2 o# g. N/ J0 _( B你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 K3 Y2 M3 K! o2 lXXXXX
1 S! J) i  M+ Y9 k不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
* m# I1 c4 {6 s5 P& ]

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。