Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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, g% G1 F4 ~. I" r& y! n7 v1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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; k2 g4 x% e& z3 Z+ i3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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6 }4 f/ q: S8 i! G' u% N4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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* [: }9 U, U( l8 z! m5 D1 X6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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/ |# p% o! z3 [, ^8 h/ @" z8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

" ]. }: T! N& d+ l( B& A0 Y+ ?11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.