Modern Definitions

l8eac

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
" C3 N( y$ N4 U$ @# }
: U) F# @) s& ?, ~  PThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
5 q0 t/ v4 K; b: F: n
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
% r- M2 g; u; L2 X
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
; p8 `! S$ d) u+ t' w; u
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
9 r" U* M6 a* r8 Q
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
/ L' x; }1 N" h
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
+ j, N; I" v* O
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
0 z" a3 M% q5 J. `& R, U) o6 D
7 i' J3 t1 f; f$ R8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
+ V  n6 j* ~4 J  E
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

# D, m/ c8 f5 v5 v; l! M- |9 o10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
: c' Z2 E( o$ q- f1 D! I. T1 H8 e# H
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
0 h. y4 `6 _) _3 ]" h% s
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
& O- M/ L( ?3 L
0 R+ p% r+ t% o# l14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
9 s1 h$ \) e5 B2 B4 y
16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.