Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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- N- g0 r5 W) _4 W2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

- T5 |' x) ~6 m# j% M6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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. r3 I( [0 f+ N3 X. |8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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" I+ m/ p( r/ [1 g, `9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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4 }0 I8 A' G& K+ z& J+ t11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

+ X0 o: @8 _. U' ^12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

1 c& ~7 \, u) z, L13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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* @8 h8 {* o$ Q7 V6 p! J14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

8 }) W* \, k* a; s& a16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.