Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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. V6 [8 h- O& K5 k* F$ s2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

" j& P" P, Z. c" Y; i% S# W6 k; f7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

' P2 S2 K: h; d' F7 d. ?% {8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

/ n/ y8 B2 D" O+ @/ s+ v9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

& M* A* f/ d; C$ o12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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, v. R" A; j5 L8 s14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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1 u* r' J/ c4 w- E( y15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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$ b0 Z: a( M2 t9 s4 n16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.