Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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. c' i# N4 J" QThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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, t6 t7 L" e7 u4 l3 ?1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

( h& U  A' s8 G$ ~4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

2 ~6 s# k; Z7 g6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

3 a4 O' R7 a; C  c7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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, P& @& ?* g8 x" v* [: k8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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/ z( |% F, D/ e( \) f' m: W- T10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

2 ~. O. Q8 X. y0 y( ~11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

" |% o" K# G/ {5 h, c$ o* m13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

8 D' }  U$ L* C; o14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

, ^0 z0 b% T# B1 @. b15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

8 _9 X" P: g4 v' Q% U) v16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.