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Jokes, just for laugh

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鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-1-21 11:24 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Six Funny Life Lessons ( x; n- i0 W. L! C* L0 u
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*Lesson 1: Naked Wife*
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. $ k1 `% C, Q, N. M
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
! I# g+ g6 Q6 x' K6 q! i! [ there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.5 h! M" r. J+ G1 u' ?
Before she says a word, Bob says,
: e7 h. w4 ^2 R% V2 O1 G; H2 z" _ "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." # Z9 c( F5 h7 T* g
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
- h3 V, L0 b7 ]3 AAfter a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.   |- R! A0 `, U& p' _- R* ?! f1 L
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
. N  {, n" D9 N" I8 bWhen she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,% M, p5 F4 B: b, ]6 T8 B
"Who was that?" 0 ?# ], [3 k6 `8 w' G8 `
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. ' h5 i/ G* ~* p( _$ _* p
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
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. F6 G$ j7 I! a8 v* n& }; y" I0 EMoral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your  ~: l3 c& r4 ]; G6 G/ x5 {# G
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-22 15:35 | 显示全部楼层
*Lesson 2- t) u6 i( K. c/ K7 K7 M0 `9 M0 B
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
1 m/ ]& N; o2 P4 U* j! |5 d5 oThey rub it and a Genie comes out.
/ b; q+ z8 }- \* fThe Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish".
( L7 b+ j+ p% T& W, l$ I "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
% s; c" W& ?9 J; ~Poof! She's gone.
( w0 [6 [: k% t8 L. f7 k: @1 ^9 }/ ]"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
) b, e: t; [" f6 o2 S0 C "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." / h; J. H  Z2 i5 W6 ^# |" i) \* |
Poof! He's gone. % f! E7 p4 c0 B( k
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
  }- E& C3 p0 T. U6 NThe manager says,
" V3 e8 x* W. h) k "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
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. b3 E# v: f6 e; ~! @ Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-1-22 18:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 junglebell 于 2008-1-22 15:35 发表
- _. G7 |0 [7 }; @& m- ^% Y*Lesson 2
: [! m- v% f$ n  O0 u A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.0 b! w- I) q% }; u
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
' V7 j% m7 c" T2 VThe Genie says, "I'll give each of you  ...

+ d% W/ ]6 v1 `* w- NIt is time to fire such a boss.
大型搬家
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-23 17:19 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
*Lesson 3*& X7 i3 y$ o1 T; c. Z; }# @
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. / K7 Z; }+ @# _3 d6 N8 |9 a
The priest nearly had an accident.
: y( C/ T; U8 ], V2 J1 B8 r8 YAfter controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. ! q& V8 b# D9 T* i$ E
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" / `. w# |2 L4 M% s  O
The priest removed his hand. $ I: `; H0 O: h" P! n
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
# n1 ]9 V' ^0 |8 q4 K% _The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?" : T8 }. ^, ^" A% A5 w  R* W
The priest apologized "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak." 4 r; [* @2 H+ O; u
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
" y4 D7 p  _. K) _* B On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
0 @  n' y% D: ^+ l It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."2 H0 `' a- k0 p: E6 O5 c
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Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might  miss a great opportunity.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-24 18:18 | 显示全部楼层
*Lesson 4*& u/ C$ e. x1 y1 Q. |9 C/ ~& c
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.0 U9 B# h+ g) T6 B9 t* @6 ~* L
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
- p5 M7 P9 C& A" _The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
; t- R7 Z' V) TSo, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
7 K! c0 `+ U) j5 v: p A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
0 Z/ ~; k" }7 } Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
大型搬家
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-25 17:33 | 显示全部楼层
*Lesson 5: Power of Charisma*( u7 Y! J. M, w. F6 D
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
3 m; {. f5 o6 g  N "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." & f# g$ ]- y9 g  F, u
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. + J# r6 a4 W% i% J
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.1 R; t6 w. F0 }  ]( m  ?! G
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
: H4 W+ S& J; D8 @# J* z- ` Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.% A( `8 i9 C8 b: B" V7 O

  O! t" F# |: AMoral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-26 17:57 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Lesson 6*
/ z# M9 `' g. U. j A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
8 E% U7 z' e0 C& Q2 ^ While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him., F5 @% I: b6 i" u2 y% b
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. 7 K7 S9 C8 F  K% T2 b2 H: z
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
6 e$ L" Q+ N; x4 a5 L  N% k A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
& `" p+ f% V+ t4 d: XFollowing the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
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1 [, x8 n$ D) Z' o' [0 H% S Moral of the story:
+ `" e: r; W) o4 W' A/ v" q1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2 t! `! r/ B9 p4 g/ {" _( \: p 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend( p4 Y. _" Y  S5 k8 K" V
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-27 19:09 | 显示全部楼层
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
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5 [, I" Q. }4 w5 D+ z1 K- d5 q0 QThe pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the5 z* j( r2 B8 y/ B/ U8 h3 Z: m
race again and it won again.
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5 x2 y8 b& M8 [( A* _3 K6 K1 cThe local paper read:
6 @0 p' R, L. WPASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.. L  `, H7 l. ]% d0 r$ b" D

5 `: U2 S! a1 q6 Y4 i( D# l5 SThe Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the6 i/ Y( u% ~3 O5 s9 H2 u
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.7 s/ o! }! C4 Y$ n; I- o/ m/ s5 I

. W+ V2 h& u7 K# t# y0 cThe next day, the local paper headline read:2 B; d/ V* i# n. ~
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
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This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid: q, l- m( p* E# H
of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
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! X8 k! M" m9 t4 IThe local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:0 B3 w2 u6 x! j; G
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
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8 l  S4 C5 J! B5 o+ F; yThe bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid; I6 T0 x1 a& T
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
  {3 G; Y! Q* |- s7 y, H7 P4 K2 R& N, M6 Y) H0 T& o* }  F- |  i
The next day the paper read:3 A% r4 Q' b1 ?; X; n  y; G& H
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.; p$ |9 n# _7 Q" i1 z) q

+ ?  D, l0 E7 t5 k- WThis was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back" ~% X6 w( F" n  q& y" A3 k4 v1 @9 U
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
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The next day the headlines read:
% q3 q8 F- S* |7 R* K3 ^& b% \NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
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9 b1 T& c! y" f4 X& qThe bishop was buried the next day.
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( U& D3 B( K3 i) xThe moral of the story is.....being concerned about public opinion2 H9 J8 v6 r6 Y( Y- B( n
can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.
, ~5 a* ^1 |6 }! [" v
# d& }: q5 Y" eSo be yourself and enjoy life...: F) D% X6 b; `: C

- ]- L4 ?- ]3 h. y% O: F3 ?Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
1 g3 x2 }2 S; \- f/ ^2 Y  S+ j6 ~0 Z" Q And live longer!2 t6 e: U: r5 a4 w+ U7 i; ~
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Have a nice day!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-1-27 20:21 | 显示全部楼层
They are fun and meanful, thanks for sharing.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-28 19:35 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Dad explains the facts of life
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Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"/ D" D' c' \0 y* L( b
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!
$ f# G! @7 b2 [' R4 z+ D
& B+ s0 a, O+ ~Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
1 u+ y) A! c7 B, ]/ b, o3 e( CThen I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
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. `3 N) v& R9 D7 O, MWe sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. # R$ \" N$ W1 M& O  z% J

' e4 F+ s2 y) l) `* e$ }As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.
6 m/ e$ R4 t% g2 n, X% g+ [* r) D( x: ^! V5 ?2 b' l
Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. 4 r( X1 ~4 j5 w6 T7 y% p$ Y; g
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Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"
鲜花(152) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-1-28 20:32 | 显示全部楼层
Thanks for sharing.( B2 O1 V( Q0 e0 C1 _! V

% u& I6 f/ d6 V7 R( g( kI find western humor and jokes are not easy for total comrehension, even though I understand every word. I guess one reason is out of cultural differences, the other one is people's inborn factors of understanding/produing humor. For me, I wish I could have more humor. 8 m! ^/ |  @9 S3 O

: ^( W( ^1 \+ S3 {& z% o7 mAs for the above story, I understand that the author tries to make fun of human conception and computer virus infection. But the story just confuses me as a joke.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-5 11:01 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 billzhao 于 2008-1-28 20:32 发表
+ [4 N) P2 ^5 I8 B5 cThanks for sharing.
$ \4 m7 w. @: |/ J9 E1 A; m
% t0 l. ^' `9 I! NI find western humor and jokes are not easy for total comrehension, even though I understand every word. I guess one reason is out of cultural differences, the other one is peop ...
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3 \6 v8 L2 B4 \* y! {. MYa, sometimes I have the same feeling as you.
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