Jokes, just for laugh

junglebell

Six Funny Life Lessons
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*Lesson 1: Naked Wife*
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
: x- x4 X# `$ d5 K) a. n Before she says a word, Bob says,
"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
! x; w8 Q  H( `2 \: t. tAfter thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
" n$ I% \' g7 \. N, PThe woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?"
+ j- F4 Z+ H9 `; p5 a# A. j"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
! e- ^& r( E/ G( g# u' X5 E0 }"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
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( m3 n5 v  y% `# L) M$ W7 D* v& I3 TMoral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

junglebell

*Lesson 2
' k: o# Z3 M8 V" l1 s4 `2 U A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish".
* s) B0 {. N8 n/ z; W' d; z "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
) P0 h% C9 J' y) a+ MPoof! She's gone.
9 L9 a$ ]) l+ d2 ]# }; O0 U& Z; y"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
7 K( P( a" c6 F' I3 U2 h( A$ Z& N- w5 M "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

. n1 d( ]) e  k' q$ [% p Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

寒江雪

原帖由 junglebell 于 2008-1-22 15:35 发表
' J, h- g3 @8 s*Lesson 2
1 d2 q, ?5 r5 t( Q8 L! m7 Y A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
  [8 p& [% X0 d! T& eThey rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you  ...

It is time to fire such a boss.

junglebell

*Lesson 3*
& m3 v1 F8 v7 `) [, ? A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
8 R$ g% N& B5 k: hThe priest nearly had an accident.
0 S' a' S# N* s$ X9 P' Q* u. wAfter controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
) q  R* m' [* o5 qThe nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
9 D0 U9 z- o2 D0 Q% LThe priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
/ z+ _. i) y. |1 uThe nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?"
( U" i4 l) c( w- OThe priest apologized "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
6 c4 I- O' G0 i" z' B4 s It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
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Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might  miss a great opportunity.

junglebell

*Lesson 4*
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
  l* z0 j. b9 n- i$ o A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
; J" p+ ^" h3 j# xThe crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

junglebell

*Lesson 5: Power of Charisma*
# q* r: r' ?( L1 j+ K% F A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
# s2 w$ B- ~- S" F5 }: ` "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
3 E& }8 R. ^7 \0 P5 x1 `7 Q& P5 Q Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
8 `) Z, a' L$ J# k$ Q Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
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Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

junglebell

Lesson 6*
5 A8 p( ^* @. c7 W: i A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
% x! q8 c( P- q3 V6 d& J) q As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
2 f2 {3 D* Y2 U/ r/ EThe dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
1 @3 G, Y: [! R& k6 C A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
0 H8 I- q/ W! D1 x" D9 kFollowing the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

' W8 i7 A- G! W% A6 }( ]/ g Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2 j9 E( S- \) `0 r2 S  a 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

junglebell

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
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The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
- ^: W3 u, Z3 F9 E3 L race again and it won again.

' }8 U3 h. N/ c: L' g! G/ fThe local paper read:
6 }6 J5 c6 T$ p. |& C9 V: I( nPASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
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6 O' b1 V5 n5 e) }/ H1 bThe Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
9 D4 [/ P& P  E! P' B& Jpastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
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2 P: l) L, c1 S+ b# b- WThe next day, the local paper headline read:
* ]# N6 s) t9 a% @, _BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
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4 J- R7 b2 X5 V: Z& ]$ VThis was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
5 E5 @" E9 G* C& H+ Fof the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
) c+ g8 C* Y" e/ d+ y$ J$ ~$ gNUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
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4 O( |4 [. B% u" JThe next day the paper read:
0 ~; ~% f5 `; p2 \; Q( n  kNUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
. A9 i9 h( ~$ P# \( B5 c& L1 O& ~the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

# Z2 G. y# _' Q9 q8 }5 \0 ~The next day the headlines read:
" B' U/ N9 S. |5 @# ~* X: v8 ]) \NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

7 v  |$ s, \0 K: x$ i. j0 h2 h9 PThe bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is.....being concerned about public opinion
" ?9 E: N6 i# ]" p5 pcan bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.
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So be yourself and enjoy life...
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4 w: Z4 w6 l: Y$ EStop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
And live longer!

) q5 E& ^" q2 Z1 J6 ]% cHave a nice day!

billqujian

They are fun and meanful, thanks for sharing.

junglebell

Dad explains the facts of life
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Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!

6 Q' h6 F9 n5 i* j2 VWell, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
2 a; w/ S' O9 h% X( `0 {Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
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, g7 \2 W; m( g4 W% [& N2 OAs soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

* a" b4 w/ @+ }0 G( PSix weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.
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2 }$ R9 |- v" W( {0 eThen nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"

billzhao

Thanks for sharing.
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4 R8 p" d; q0 p: \. PI find western humor and jokes are not easy for total comrehension, even though I understand every word. I guess one reason is out of cultural differences, the other one is people's inborn factors of understanding/produing humor. For me, I wish I could have more humor.
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7 W+ @- N' Z  x6 pAs for the above story, I understand that the author tries to make fun of human conception and computer virus infection. But the story just confuses me as a joke.

junglebell

原帖由 billzhao 于 2008-1-28 20:32 发表
' q7 f: z' }9 K. m3 \: [, w+ {Thanks for sharing.

I find western humor and jokes are not easy for total comrehension, even though I understand every word. I guess one reason is out of cultural differences, the other one is peop ...

Ya, sometimes I have the same feeling as you.