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Jokes, just for laugh

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鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-1-21 11:24 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Six Funny Life Lessons
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*Lesson 1: Naked Wife*' i' I, v# C" u: {! a) I
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
) z( X% q" N& l3 w7 ]8 vThe wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,7 c' T7 h/ p) F# u# k
there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
8 S. ?" ~. n- K+ R, u, f3 O/ G6 i Before she says a word, Bob says,2 s9 Y( N4 h4 S: _: T5 `: W( p
"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." ( A; U/ F2 ^4 z& z3 X- h
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.0 \$ D/ z0 g, ?: e4 r4 [: |) }0 y
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. + p8 q* t9 i& a5 d" `4 c
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. 0 w4 d' f* m4 k/ b+ V% v% d1 n; l2 Z
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,# B* V( j( r$ i2 u. U
"Who was that?" * d* I" v' m1 _4 a. }0 O
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. - t" q6 t, o8 D/ N; C, E* Q; }
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"" l1 G& u/ _$ d7 Y: Z+ u' i
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Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
5 U9 s7 H+ `6 }% S1 [2 v; i shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-22 15:35 | 显示全部楼层
*Lesson 27 q1 ~0 H  b6 U
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.; C$ _2 U4 k$ e' j, ?
They rub it and a Genie comes out. 2 C7 P/ ~$ f  P5 g- b: b% w& [
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish".
% H3 M- e6 `+ K) ?) _* T4 M "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." ( A3 ~% {  p1 f( _; u
Poof! She's gone.
) x7 X' o- s. W5 P6 x! p, b/ i"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
0 K/ p; w- m1 P* `4 y "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
7 m! l% a. [7 w1 E6 V  L! OPoof! He's gone. / H: ~! T7 l, E$ U4 C
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. - }2 R" q) e) M- v
The manager says,
/ \4 l  v* t! D, M; v "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
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; W, O$ c% a4 q" y; u! x Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-1-22 18:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 junglebell 于 2008-1-22 15:35 发表 3 c) x1 c1 j8 g3 [
*Lesson 29 p% u2 x8 N  X3 n* U: W
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
: D' j; ]+ h6 P/ e/ S* \They rub it and a Genie comes out.
( R8 ^5 _8 b$ _' v- _6 V4 \The Genie says, "I'll give each of you  ...
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It is time to fire such a boss.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-23 17:19 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
*Lesson 3*
: B  q% O$ _& F9 @9 y A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
8 D  N7 T. v2 xThe priest nearly had an accident.
6 g& {  _' j% x& w$ ?1 QAfter controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
+ L3 ^: E8 {% `7 L' RThe nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" 3 w1 _; D% S9 `; \9 T9 p; }
The priest removed his hand.
& M! p, [$ V2 ^' eBut, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
* P$ z3 I( U* `' h& H& m+ _The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?" ! p2 u% V  F+ W, X# s5 k4 x
The priest apologized "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
7 W+ [/ A# y8 z' B! ]+ DArriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.5 U" ?7 Z0 o% p5 `) [4 _
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.6 t5 i/ w  i( K% r2 J
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
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1 l* R( h# e. i; H Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might  miss a great opportunity.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-24 18:18 | 显示全部楼层
*Lesson 4*
5 I) O& X! s3 L8 t& R A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.3 A8 D, G. W- w. N
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
' [2 |( a& p) O. VThe crow answered: "Sure, why not."
' J' B, w5 E3 I$ [9 e0 TSo, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.1 v( f  `/ g; a! p* C
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
# X5 b5 J/ H3 [8 J" U Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-25 17:33 | 显示全部楼层
*Lesson 5: Power of Charisma*3 N4 R* \  j1 f( [4 Q: ^
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."2 c- S1 T- g  Z8 ]' I
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." " e/ S" l- ~- b% J+ _' x
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
7 M, U+ C7 }# J" C+ n9 A  X& uThe next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
" f0 T# P/ V" I; o$ {0 ]; e( ] Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.7 N5 @$ \7 p, L" s, m1 P3 {2 t! B
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.9 M$ S; o" q, r- x6 [4 B8 D
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Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-26 17:57 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Lesson 6*
* k8 B% b& x% h( Q" m4 J4 R  R; P A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.: H6 x+ G; {) y6 K9 X/ A
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
' `- J1 {) n; J# k2 B As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
, T2 d* k( L! D  ^The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
; ~' m: ], E$ W" R3 ?2 u A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 2 a3 c: B5 @; Q0 n9 C
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.* c) Y  t# F4 y9 ^4 @$ L
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Moral of the story:
( T! z: ]$ Z( l' g# R% n1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
* `- [- x; n; G, H& c, Z! `9 d 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend' I& n- d/ K0 _& D. j' X  \" q4 Z
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-27 19:09 | 显示全部楼层
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
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The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
" j" F3 ?& u$ ~' z2 x; K& D race again and it won again.. E; v, M$ X9 J3 r% {
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The local paper read:4 k1 ]! @1 c8 n
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.+ Q5 V! U" |& b/ x) }& d1 R
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The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the& g" s0 x/ P9 p5 l. U7 B5 r* L  j0 B
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.! d/ U* o. J3 M: r

( |7 \2 R9 {* Y- FThe next day, the local paper headline read:, t3 _7 D5 N. G6 U8 R
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS./ D+ q* E% c" c3 j( E0 G
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This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid" Y. X  P: K3 r; t
of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.3 g9 _" g# R9 @
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The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:6 M$ a2 J& u+ e% a0 v* K- U
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
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The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
) F3 C( N" o0 ]& t; o) K$ gof the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
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! Z! ?6 S, q" O! [3 W- B+ ?3 R$ [The next day the paper read:
# o" o2 U  _) w; \NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.9 a8 t% ^- _5 b7 z, ]: X
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This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back: C6 a( y) w2 u0 l/ D+ s2 T
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
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The next day the headlines read:( j* Y& u+ r/ V& f  z
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE." A9 L# D! E, K( @, e
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The bishop was buried the next day.
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6 L8 C/ }3 {, v& {" @, ?1 gThe moral of the story is.....being concerned about public opinion  c* o/ V. O0 T7 w& p! x
can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.3 K8 }' r4 m2 E% Q# A6 s- Y+ ?
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So be yourself and enjoy life...1 b1 J! F0 v/ j' P4 K; o  k* n/ ^
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Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
% M0 s5 P7 c) l( L" r8 R# p And live longer!- I- N6 i& _) P' ~1 k2 y* G
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Have a nice day!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-1-27 20:21 | 显示全部楼层
They are fun and meanful, thanks for sharing.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-28 19:35 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Dad explains the facts of life
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Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"
; a4 [! F) L- X. e, F8 L# P! C: XHis dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!
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! O$ u: ?8 y& Z6 `9 z: hWell, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. $ A9 ~* u4 S  l, E, A0 F2 C
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. : G  O0 F# s6 r* k

. ^' ]$ G  G8 j$ HWe sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
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( i0 H+ n: K  O) I& R# qAs soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.
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Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. & F1 x  Y; C2 S# ^  `

4 e3 K% V1 t5 `- A( sThen nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"
鲜花(152) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-1-28 20:32 | 显示全部楼层
Thanks for sharing.3 i0 F' \* p0 Y. R

) b2 l5 ]. a5 l' J5 [: FI find western humor and jokes are not easy for total comrehension, even though I understand every word. I guess one reason is out of cultural differences, the other one is people's inborn factors of understanding/produing humor. For me, I wish I could have more humor.
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As for the above story, I understand that the author tries to make fun of human conception and computer virus infection. But the story just confuses me as a joke.
鲜花(63) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-5 11:01 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 billzhao 于 2008-1-28 20:32 发表
6 g" f1 z% Q4 ^* l& M& gThanks for sharing.4 K( L& v: M0 A$ p, Q; R
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I find western humor and jokes are not easy for total comrehension, even though I understand every word. I guess one reason is out of cultural differences, the other one is peop ...

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Ya, sometimes I have the same feeling as you.
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