WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
2 N5 x% }* E' @0 U2 z, ~into a regular workout routine.
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" I+ d$ z1 ]6 q5 ^Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
" x! q; ^% B! {; r) `& eyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
3 `) s9 B( Q9 P' ?& K2 n9 ctry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

! K9 X! ~. @& G7 [- o1 pStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
4 M4 y3 b8 ]" Z1 y% _( Fthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

7 M: h; W8 V5 l* T- F( ZVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.
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8 ?" C7 t* `/ k1 U/ dThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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2 b) S5 ^9 C% e/ ]$ vTUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
( x1 u" I$ G3 [; U) O3 n4 ]! Iand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
, [( \7 U' {0 K- z' _; mthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
  A( n! c' {- ^, ^: Nbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
' L) |6 Y' ]% a9 F( z5 u3 H3 Hthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; I! ?9 D9 M5 A( U  uBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
2 |! l: d; |+ P1 |+ n: \told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
" [$ f% I! A+ k& A6 H1 o+ ZBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
# N3 H7 n& j& `being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
) W% C" r  r( T2 _( w# `took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
2 h' U; Y1 _% [! N: b% P% Vhid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
! H% P9 M8 }# i. T9 wmachine -- which I sank.

2 w5 y% ]1 K/ B& U% dFRIDAY:
. w) t6 q7 ^' [3 T, S; ^I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
( Q" q4 S( |2 many other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
+ x1 W. E0 R" z$ Danemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
/ r  K6 ]- M* D9 acould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
' \- y6 t5 B! h6 b8 ^wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
$ e% B; L  p1 Ythe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
+ F. }! _2 T* }or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
0 X& K7 ]# n7 r3 h1 b) DBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
! \0 M# a& t8 v$ Q5 f) L- tshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
8 y* K! i6 ?$ [made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
0 M/ h5 t# C  {3 Vhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
) e- I4 g, v* C/ g  ^, ZI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
4 _2 e' [' w* h7 Oa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.