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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something9 B& q3 ~7 M6 ^; z5 W2 X4 [
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
1 U# [, k: f0 `1 i Y) I7 E8 P% Y8 jinto a regular workout routine.
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! i- r/ g& D! }3 C8 r3 S7 A. ]Dear Diary:
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- L. [1 D6 r3 E: M+ d* ^1 yFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a1 Q; `5 n4 q# [( D% F; C. ?) b
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
- L/ w! B, N2 [am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25" b+ [6 J$ m. }+ m" o
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
, K( }0 I2 u) c; L: Ntry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
' @; F# f7 I* _/ H3 Mnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics3 d2 k" x, f3 r. n; G$ ^
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
3 O( u8 U! \5 ^encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.5 Q6 F+ g! L; _$ j! g5 l/ z+ e: h. L
8 w# L6 X# \6 f M5 U X4 _1 p( PMONDAY:2 l8 G7 R( X3 z
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well) p8 |0 _& M- b; O
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
0 Q# a9 n. t" K; O( ]7 eme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
5 w* |2 A( l2 o5 i6 Geyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!) X9 T: ?; G8 ]/ H k; J
1 C7 W" b0 o2 d+ dShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
% Y; }, ~7 p2 ^ fthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
* ]. J. T; }3 N& ]0 w5 E) Bin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in7 z% [* Y ]" q0 ^8 K
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.1 l4 W$ c7 `" d/ Q) d
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
+ p( r% S- ?# N' m* ]# F& Z0 galthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
% O: u; [2 d8 h/ V Owas around.
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8 s4 a% L6 f A( ?4 k6 XThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:$ f1 ]: t7 ^- V/ Z! O
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.! {) W. [, h7 N7 ~( |( Z
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
, j9 g5 A/ @+ W- S/ @and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the% e7 x7 S. G% c. v" o
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it. S$ g* _, I3 C6 s- A& Q
all worthwhile., b* W& m* ~! W) B. y
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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/ z3 c, ]4 c7 _0 i8 E% ^WEDNESDAY:
6 S/ G- o& t1 \3 D( xThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on* ]* h2 b) N- c1 s7 j
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have: k4 n$ |$ K) { m. T
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
2 C" z' a" R4 R# K$ s& S. Lsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
5 A) M6 O5 R, M, V& C& e7 H* ]$ Ubothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for8 Y3 `6 p6 R2 v
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
; u9 }$ Z1 J, u2 Rthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
1 E" h! U# e, A0 L8 h# CBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
- ^7 s, z5 n! f1 X& y, Z1 L& qmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda/ m. l1 L, a& i
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.$ @" w. [1 G1 G+ x
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She said some other shit too.8 O# ?. q9 B: ]4 A7 r
7 U/ F8 \1 x* f( \, zTHURSDAY:
( ?: }, O( t( sBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
{, i+ D, w3 ~0 ther thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help+ x% t, f$ p( e9 i4 a, q) p
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda# w. b" q) _# R! h) n" ^
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and2 ], h$ r7 y! X- J3 ~4 e# a5 }# u
hid in the men's room.4 S- A* Y6 n- T2 M v, S* I+ @
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing& E4 ^9 ~0 N9 a
machine -- which I sank.- c' s4 ~+ ?' k7 }' K7 ]# m/ s. Y
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FRIDAY:
, Y B" n! M; p3 Q9 kI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
9 n# L7 J' G' c- ~any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
+ c8 l! L M. q7 Hanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
6 V: y( W! K: r2 Qcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
T% A# |( U8 b4 _9 v2 w+ z5 `, h ywanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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! l( T7 _2 \2 J. y1 O1 b, e7 G FAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
5 i4 \! X/ ?% E1 othe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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9 A% B+ Z/ z4 H. [The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition( C; _- N. Z, Q+ v
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach3 R* @; |$ L: [0 h+ h4 M
or the choir director?) Z) v- A0 e* y& U
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SATURDAY:' ~% G3 d: o5 p6 c4 B
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,+ e p& b G; p
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her( p k: I6 J: d: J# v8 _
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
- u" |( h' C5 t; P' I0 R8 Istrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
' S& y/ `. O2 b7 Q. U$ U/ Ghours of the Weather Channel.6 |# Y7 u% e8 a% A* e1 q9 z; |0 G
7 w1 |2 M8 p8 k& e4 g) D y9 k! BSUNDAY:
, f# A6 ~( \: x) rI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go: B9 O' b! ^) \' D; L
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
% X' u5 n3 X* C& n3 Imy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
, F* H9 i4 z2 B7 U- E. Sa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
