WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 {6 Y0 I6 l4 G; ^  P. {wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

- L6 E5 ?$ }7 c" d8 hFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
- e" N; K. g) r3 @6 `am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
- y. ~5 X$ `' l1 b- k$ lnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
9 i; X' l% P/ Vinstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

" X- Y1 p6 M4 @( SMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

! f; h% W; }8 F( f* d2 U- NMONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
5 |( m$ s) z' g' j  qme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
' d: u: j0 h. P2 _
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
1 w2 d3 |; O& \5 L% M. Yin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
+ p0 S5 l" ]9 v4 b+ U1 B9 Swhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
5 }# q4 g7 H) W
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

3 b9 u$ r) e  I4 Z+ c" p! o# h4 BThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
5 Y: A8 X1 V5 ^; S
* o' @- G+ H, f: E  C, ^8 l) ~TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
3 Z- U/ L( f" n/ P1 L9 ?  V* EBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
- X8 y, G+ m" Eand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
6 p* [3 P, \$ Q9 R% Q3 Call worthwhile.

& d0 F6 b( j9 v  \+ W0 Z. _9 wI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
) j! N5 X3 N# u1 S1 H0 s
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
0 _/ T" J  k8 u% aearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
; d$ e4 C- r( o3 l, h1 G' g5 [Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
( X$ u/ e: m# s  B" K2 ymachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
% C) {; o6 Z+ z6 B7 @. \* T1 ~told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
; Q/ m4 `, j6 Z2 B
She said some other shit too.

, l8 A8 e  N- r, B$ ]% h" tTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
! S5 U* V3 J7 Jtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
/ H2 W4 x; E% e' |5 x3 Whid in the men's room.
! }" o; [# A. q' a9 x2 w$ |% b
, ~  v7 d& ?0 j! T9 F% Z  bShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
9 l1 N' h: a0 s
7 b6 _) u+ }) xFRIDAY:
: d* H# M  E- x3 b8 p7 J! u1 e9 hI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
+ E* R# S2 ^  O0 L9 eanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

1 m+ t# z0 _: y/ |" ]. ], wAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
, p, B( y1 G- P2 Z7 G+ \# cthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
( T6 }  g' a2 k6 \1 ~teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
/ j/ ^; V) p% d) ?- B7 g) iBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
% K5 _* v7 U0 M0 v% j( H' N8 ymade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
. P' y5 R* X9 A% E. g! qstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
4 ^! h  K- L0 v: z# n7 k  m; Ghours of the Weather Channel.

! l5 o% L% _# |SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
- j6 Q. s! f: L0 Uand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.