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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
6 i. D" e v# a8 w" o9 Owrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get' u7 G7 W4 U c) A
into a regular workout routine.' A7 e1 X p! _; L G
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Dear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
' ^! D) D7 @5 v0 Wweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I, V; z' h1 P* }
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
$ p- ?5 ]& Q9 g: yyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
; f) C, B2 l+ y9 s" W5 Ftry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer' z, E& c5 m# T) G8 Y
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics% t& D' X# H- g9 b2 K
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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% a8 ~9 _. W" ~% qMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club2 P5 A) L. t( x) m- T
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.* X% h) e' J6 C0 C
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MONDAY:& Y" i8 U- r; `1 W
! e/ N! [0 ~2 l TStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well1 o* W9 Z9 {: z- V$ J3 Z
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
- L+ M \- o& b# i1 T5 y% ame. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
4 [2 [. C) A& L+ I( weyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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4 p7 d- ]0 P+ ~6 C; v" E5 H! rShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed! D1 I' g9 K. J" V+ v6 G0 P1 G
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
3 ?/ W/ `# y) ~) v9 k1 ]in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
$ j. V0 |% w; A' Gwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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5 @/ u; m* J% }1 d; U9 oVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
- Z- H7 o6 n4 h& A) P# kalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she, K ^; d8 `1 {- ~# v2 \0 L
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:+ U8 O+ W* B$ r) V+ R0 J) p4 n
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.3 C) z9 F8 V+ |. r
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,, v4 J$ I( B, K
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
* X2 d. ]3 y2 @) |8 c# g$ {" Atreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
3 Y6 {' v. b) ]6 X8 lall worthwhile.. z1 {) R3 H3 z z8 }# z- e
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.+ t% Z3 F1 z% Z# S
) ^/ g; G9 e) wWEDNESDAY:
' S$ Z* R/ V _+ J" \: s2 {9 @+ lThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
/ R/ b4 i: }- V9 u; ~3 I+ |" Nthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
5 [* H: V) P7 K; J8 }& Y6 Aa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to& W+ R5 p/ m8 w, D+ j
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
* P1 E; J. f8 T) abothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ H; t. i) J: N; K) d gearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine q: u1 v" J- W. w; R% t
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
* A( A" {# z8 C! R& O0 b4 uBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
9 Z# J7 P% K) X" }2 @) Jmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
U+ m) d/ F& {; d. J Q2 r* q7 Btold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
; u2 V' I |. ?( P0 t: XBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as7 W8 p4 D/ u& y2 P
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help) W! M. n' a* Q: ^ i+ |7 c/ C$ ^6 ~ ^1 O
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
# ?- H* \+ Y+ h6 ~took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
* l5 |4 i1 z5 F$ M7 u+ Xhid in the men's room.2 i% h( \, j+ t7 E
* F I! F9 P% R. F1 X, KShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing, E9 J* |6 z$ U z8 E
machine -- which I sank." ^. h3 C* G: T# \9 i. l
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FRIDAY:
( X9 T, K- j: u2 N' SI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
, z l6 V k# c( @' M& t: U' b0 xany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,& K% M& E. q( Z6 t' ]: t
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I* K: L0 ?$ _ f5 y f! [. G( u/ U A0 q
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
% K7 p, f* Q1 [wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!! C) ~# `- `1 C! A5 g3 u3 Q9 T
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
' S0 J) a9 K$ t) athe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.: |2 O6 n) O/ M. }/ m
! u: g$ u' B4 F: \8 ^3 o- P2 [' \$ WThe treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition+ }# e. t# k' W$ o
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach3 y4 w" J2 E1 H$ M, {: g) F
or the choir director?
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/ K3 l5 d6 V5 y) ^& n' i( ISATURDAY:' S6 D4 z E6 V. A
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
' q6 i% @- u) y. B: c* Hshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her, c+ a+ k/ {) o2 S6 d( Q
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
2 J& Y/ J; ]' e4 O5 l: g$ R* Wstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
4 ~. y4 d0 _# @0 w, f. T4 m7 V0 R- ^4 Nhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:5 }: a Q& t4 g; r, i
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
* x; R: H/ {; y9 ]and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
3 A0 z" R/ r" J& Wmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
9 v: { C/ j3 c2 E' i1 y; `9 b" La root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
