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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
) [# v% R9 c. W: p* ewrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
' ]8 h1 ], R: }into a regular workout routine.
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% U7 A9 [- t7 T4 a2 l- y. sDear Diary:# t* ~1 G; o% \
( p, s6 J2 U* F; r" jFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a; {7 D; z0 C% i+ T' ~
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I2 g5 _ V0 s* M7 e' l ^
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25) g3 w+ B* z& A5 f
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a G) U( D6 q0 L! ?3 e
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer7 k% a/ n4 J; F6 r+ P+ }" F
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
( M4 A, a( v, ~7 ginstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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) y& w/ q0 w0 s. ]My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
c. T2 |& W) T7 h" P& i+ vencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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5 W* i& R) k, iMONDAY:( b3 s7 c" `) C. u6 g
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
& d4 }; J! g; u- h) O0 Bworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
/ G8 T. n7 z) O8 j5 b/ Nme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
, g; L% k9 L+ q5 K7 {# d) Neyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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4 l- Y% a2 H$ Q$ v! q$ ^, OShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed/ K# p) ^4 ?5 @ E7 C5 s& R$ e' y
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
, |! `' ~# D+ e R. `in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
8 h# }0 Z0 ^# s4 V& x' A Dwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.1 \" Y" v+ T1 |2 x, e
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
, T+ \, i- D8 e1 T; u2 palthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
3 h' C& O5 Q2 J' O3 p) |9 ~was around.
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, o7 f9 ^3 H5 D( T3 A" VThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!* V5 \. X6 p& E8 U
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TUESDAY:( r& Y( v2 r+ D" \; `9 a, N
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.; v# _% j2 ]7 `8 D( s
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,, g9 [! z( N1 ^- F
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the$ V" ?5 N8 J9 }8 p H6 H- m; e
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it6 W; W$ t2 `, ~8 R
all worthwhile.
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2 y/ A2 S4 S# J, yI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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# T# E# Y& Z! f: V+ G& b% MWEDNESDAY:$ J# K& h8 N! U0 |, g* D3 R# w
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
% y! y. o! U! z8 t+ Ithe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have) n7 Z4 d. i6 _1 { w
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
4 A: v# V+ w% V& `, gsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams4 G3 a" A4 Y+ t6 }/ A
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
2 @( Z F- P: B, d" Pearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine- h; I M( a) n D& D2 t$ H
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
( b' ? L5 B% PBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a7 g4 Z6 Y) E6 z, e1 K2 K1 k
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
. c! j2 {$ X6 r) B2 k) |told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
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7 m8 G" n& T, E4 {She said some other shit too.6 l ~- Z2 N& Y' J1 A8 n. {
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THURSDAY:
1 t& W4 x' e8 U2 j8 {) b0 a4 B; tBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
' R0 l# x1 o1 Y/ J8 |her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
, p4 |) _0 @" Tbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
3 h# l0 g& {6 h4 v2 q! W4 I* m! E- K- vtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and; W3 R1 |) U/ O' N/ R
hid in the men's room.
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) ?0 O2 H$ v% _ aShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing5 I4 m2 a9 A9 R$ }
machine -- which I sank.
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8 @- P6 G) t. _) hFRIDAY:
2 `; z- ^1 l5 T* Z6 b/ TI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated ], v- f8 f# v9 C
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,# x& n& k5 E! k# `
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I5 `8 u2 R3 _, [1 i) J8 O
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
$ _( y2 n! ~1 c; Awanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!& l, g" v: }5 y* i a
' a" e5 Z2 a) m' d4 Z0 DAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me+ l; }0 s i- S5 P4 |5 d7 _
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
! n) M/ f4 r5 q# s$ \teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
, L' w: N3 \! tor the choir director?: c+ ?7 |7 o1 ]8 H
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SATURDAY:
1 ]# M/ K" P) ~( c# H( ?# FBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,7 l0 i3 {* u; Y* f5 ? i6 A) \+ k
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
' ^7 h& s. y4 L3 I$ ~; W5 Zmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
' L# g1 a1 z, d: |1 Y- W" c* qstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
9 e v) ~) \8 L6 qhours of the Weather Channel.
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! W2 t% T$ |" g% `- V. ]- vSUNDAY:
3 p. c8 W/ ?- D g( ]4 GI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
" f$ g3 I3 \ B5 k! f mand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,& M4 y8 ]. p% J) T- `3 F
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like4 v3 |8 h/ P: X& D* w2 K
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
