WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
" {; R- w) a* y3 J4 U0 i" fwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

7 p' L$ r) f, J* r6 G1 ^# FDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
- G. }6 e1 M5 M' g& Vweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
* U0 v/ Z  v  M! y7 d+ [am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
5 U: b% a7 {( Y- ~4 Q: Fnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
5 v; C4 Y) U! {- I8 s' [* u& Ainstructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
. p; Z1 X1 I* {5 T
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
3 r6 d( Q# t+ P2 M, [encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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1 Y2 I" |0 I" z# WMONDAY:
: k( Y0 f. H. D" m' B
9 B& q* q" e' B) c7 q$ T5 ~Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
$ y( H0 Z5 \, x3 e+ p/ pworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
, J1 @9 P. M) x+ s5 \me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
& W+ j8 O" Q, V7 s( F) o# J' S
# }8 Z$ ~9 n& b. GShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
, |- }0 ~4 V6 {in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
4 J3 @/ Y9 X2 m
  o* S7 {4 k, l2 T$ u- gVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

9 @7 n+ z7 ~% `4 hThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
6 P* L6 a) _  v9 I1 E! @- s: _$ pBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
2 i5 [& N3 f7 r6 w: \2 _3 ttreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.

, p$ U. S8 l( X" x2 QI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
  a9 o/ m1 X! ^. Q! `
0 C$ q) j5 c6 {% c0 {6 aWEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
0 B' z9 g# q- T3 ]3 ^. U& Qthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
$ ~/ o, Y& t6 r8 bsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
& k2 ^( [" u3 x& {1 Z* j' v) w; YBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
3 D- t% A+ }+ v  ^7 lmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
  {4 x* L3 E& B5 U& X& Y5 F
She said some other shit too.
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" m; g$ s0 i0 s6 b( I: B( ]* X- t# LTHURSDAY:
9 ]5 u+ Y7 {0 k7 w0 [0 t5 n' KBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
2 l- e) M1 L9 h  l4 D" bher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
) D. E! n7 z+ [6 l$ G4 ghid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
8 j  N( T/ k! \" c/ ]+ `' y
0 b( C7 D3 Z$ C1 mFRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
5 ?9 V- ^& o* F. @/ Xanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
( F, K' `' [: Q- Y, ~could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
3 L: w. t# j: w' xwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
& Q0 Z0 K& g( F  k
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
6 i7 y4 F9 X$ ?1 b3 k
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
+ r9 S  N- b8 G# a0 I& Kteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
6 Y6 T) E4 O; \5 p6 u  S3 W6 ^or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:
% o  L- \  h+ ^8 x9 N+ RBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
' S1 p4 R$ `- zhours of the Weather Channel.
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9 l( d# W$ d6 n( D, H0 ESUNDAY:
+ d4 n! n1 X; i6 Q/ a' iI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
: r! Y/ T1 k8 I0 @) Ja root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.