WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
7 X) S& s+ ~- J% \into a regular workout routine.
0 J0 X$ n0 A$ ?3 k
& X6 F& l$ T$ C8 nDear Diary:

: v0 P9 A$ o- K  w& K5 iFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
( g. S2 U8 Q9 ^; b) Xam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
( p6 O( T& K9 H9 E# a( N* ptry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
! ^2 o8 H0 \9 E/ _/ P6 |6 ^instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

1 T6 G5 D) f: y2 C9 o5 gMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
, \; G* Q+ }' v# V) j9 g3 Qencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
7 _7 y' i; m1 x& u% ]
MONDAY:
, T3 Z! \, `) \" w( w
5 S9 ?: H" n. N/ C: P+ }- b4 }) YStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' O3 E* t2 K+ g/ ?2 Z3 t- `" Tworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
( J- p9 G3 U, s8 T+ C" d
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 x" m8 a, Y5 T. Q8 _which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
2 L3 D1 S6 N# n% T
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
+ ^. c% a, @, t# N3 z% x& zalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

: r3 B: d9 O  d, b2 S; [0 l4 l5 cThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

- }1 X$ S8 f& U/ Q% ~4 Z2 p4 w; @TUESDAY:
6 G3 S+ Y% ]* ~2 C; lI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 Q( j1 m. ~; c) g# _. kBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
  T7 P; Y- v1 X( M& H" j! G- t1 xtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
+ Q- i8 h+ y: v) f  `9 ^all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
* _) j+ o2 j0 ^& S% v; r
. y' U; D4 F4 @WEDNESDAY:
8 S( W$ e+ T0 F. z; s' a. ~& n' OThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
, p3 ]: n; y1 q' {a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
4 E, o: m; E& {- p1 B& a7 ?bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ ~  a% d4 A( }  v, M2 Qearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
/ B& W7 v: a3 }, J: L( }that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
2 c3 u. z' ?2 G( p3 rBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.
3 o( s" g( b. i% w# C$ J3 T* E9 J
) F$ W4 |  T2 dTHURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
. W3 t- H- N2 c! Ztook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
$ a, c: f' r( j
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

" q3 F) ^( M* r+ {FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
. c3 T7 `# k+ P+ e5 _# H9 cany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
, Y4 `! H  t) E0 I9 a! F, [5 `7 i: i0 dcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

/ T4 l+ U9 O" o2 hAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
! d* |$ ]- m: [1 y9 V. g2 d, \teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
- u: R, b! C0 c' h* for the choir director?
2 W  n( W9 ?; i+ P
SATURDAY:
% P+ a8 d( ?2 N& uBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
- p6 _) D. s" Q% x) g. q6 Fshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
1 B' v9 E& j3 W6 ]2 V$ f$ v" Zhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
# y# d% K* V" hmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
8 }! w' R) C( Ja root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.