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WEEK AT THE GYM

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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something* K" a& D6 z0 _' x( l
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
7 X) S& s+ ~- J% \into a regular workout routine.
0 J0 X$ n0 A$ ?3 k
& X6 F& l$ T$ C8 nDear Diary:) g. A$ V9 X2 w: W( f' k8 \

: v0 P9 A$ o- K  w& K5 iFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a4 f9 m9 V) i' p& O
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
( g. S2 U8 Q9 ^; b) Xam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25! b) K$ p$ E+ e) L
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
( p6 O( T& K9 H9 E# a( N* ptry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer3 ]1 W: y- S4 G
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
! ^2 o8 H0 \9 E/ _/ P6 |6 ^instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.# n. \/ {8 ~/ A- r

1 T6 G5 D) f: y2 C9 o5 gMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
, \; G* Q+ }' v# V) j9 g3 Qencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
7 _7 y' i; m1 x& u% ]7 |! i2 ^9 q' {6 B( P9 I% h4 x
MONDAY:
, T3 Z! \, `) \" w( w
5 S9 ?: H" n. N/ C: P+ }- b4 }) YStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' O3 E* t2 K+ g/ ?2 Z3 t- `" Tworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for) X2 }" v+ D( o+ Z" t
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing8 c0 w1 U5 G2 U
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
( J- p9 G3 U, s8 T+ C" d3 z4 n( Q& S1 U: {+ w( ^0 Y' Q
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed8 u+ k9 a* O# a+ Q- a" ^  B
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her# u/ q; j: V2 _/ I7 O
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 x" m8 a, Y5 T. Q8 _which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
2 L3 D1 S6 N# n% T+ j' @+ ]8 C0 d- ]7 j0 c" T
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
+ ^. c% a, @, t# N3 z% x& zalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she' p9 t* @6 }! t' W1 _/ @3 N
was around.( V9 t; Y. @0 }' E( U

: r3 B: d9 O  d, b2 S; [0 l4 l5 cThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!6 \( d. K; t5 b* S

- }1 X$ S8 f& U/ Q% ~4 Z2 p4 w; @TUESDAY:
6 G3 S+ Y% ]* ~2 C; lI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 Q( j1 m. ~; c) g# _. kBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,7 ~7 Y/ y$ f; e) A
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
  T7 P; Y- v1 X( M& H" j! G- t1 xtreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
+ Q- i8 h+ y: v) f  `9 ^all worthwhile.7 r0 y' y0 ?+ h) W; w2 I
4 A. X! D% {- Q6 k/ S
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
* _) j+ o2 j0 ^& S% v; r
. y' U; D4 F4 @WEDNESDAY:
8 S( W$ e+ T0 F. z; s' a. ~& n' OThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on; l2 k) b3 H+ Q; s  H
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
, p3 ]: n; y1 q' {a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to8 [4 S5 z+ D) k4 m. y
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
4 E, o: m; E& {- p1 B& a7 ?bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
+ ~  a% d4 A( }  v, M2 Qearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
/ B& W7 v: a3 }, J: L( }that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
2 c3 u. z' ?2 G( p3 rBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a6 t3 N- O6 ^9 W
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda9 ~) T/ t& }( [4 u
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.0 _2 }& I+ h4 D; j1 Z4 y  p
- n" y/ J- u. s# \
She said some other shit too.
3 o( s" g( b. i% w# C$ J3 T* E9 J
) F$ W4 |  T2 dTHURSDAY:  I% [, Z$ N! I
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as2 K% l" F% o" {/ n
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help( T2 T9 m# g6 H, s' a0 T
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
. W3 t- H- N2 c! Ztook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and4 h* Z% S+ K& Y/ `
hid in the men's room.
$ a, c: f' r( j5 U" p1 M$ b6 X5 q8 h
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing  X" _1 }- {' Q' z
machine -- which I sank.) d$ Y4 A, N! y! k- c- t6 z

" q3 F) ^( M* r+ {FRIDAY:8 p* Y: k2 K% \/ g. X
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
. c3 T7 `# k+ P+ e5 _# H9 cany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,& y5 s8 M7 P6 W4 h( q& j+ \7 y7 D! g
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
, Y4 `! H  t) E0 I9 a! F, [5 `7 i: i0 dcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda4 m7 S. `+ Q  k( U7 P
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!; \0 Q0 r+ Q. R8 i3 J9 ~) P9 D

/ T4 l+ U9 O" o2 hAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me; |# d. x$ O/ e7 u. h! M+ i
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.' z6 b- X  p1 j& V: P
" T2 u" J! w4 L( h% @4 t
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
! d* |$ ]- m: [1 y9 V. g2 d, \teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
- u: R, b! C0 c' h* for the choir director?
2 W  n( W9 ?; i+ P, T* z& B+ j: J2 _) @( Q( \4 V) s
SATURDAY:
% P+ a8 d( ?2 N& uBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
- p6 _) D. s" Q% x) g. q6 Fshrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her7 |4 H2 G' Y: N  V# x
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the" N6 G& P1 _4 t
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
1 B' v9 E& j3 W6 ]2 V$ f$ v" Zhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:/ k; k0 L* _# v5 l* F
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go5 d$ Q; A; m: E- X, @6 W0 N
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
# y# d% K* V" hmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
8 }! w' R) C( Ja root canal or a vasectomy!
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23 | 显示全部楼层
You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...
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发表于 2008-1-23 17:17 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-1-23 18:53 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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发表于 2008-1-23 19:07 | 显示全部楼层
root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.
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