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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something: f. N5 b$ y; G; p1 K1 @. ` f
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get" \% X1 N X4 H/ A2 f' p: F( l" \
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:1 e3 @; `! N2 O" l+ K( G; h6 H
& w1 _6 e( @1 J* B9 d# |: \! VFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
# S. G. Y9 [+ f0 f, r: xweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I! m' z* Z6 Q! A4 e) P0 n
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
/ _. }$ N' q+ m+ jyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
2 ^2 L0 E$ M7 o; S7 `9 `7 K7 ptry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
, \; P N d" B' Z4 s. v! b, B* w: O4 y \named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics, Y( e. q$ b( [) }9 A
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
0 E' p, ~+ K! uencouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well( P1 E5 D, Y7 T4 l- n
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for1 {& v* E/ i# u% r% I
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
* I# g1 O" c' R2 y" O+ N5 Y+ weyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!! l: Y& \' @) ]7 S" t* f
% Y# S: L. L7 J5 ^She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
0 h1 g. f/ T2 k+ C* zthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
+ X% Q, ?6 Q' p% @. b X, oin her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in6 [- A5 ^& {! c8 R; ~% ^' b: I- j
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today., r1 N$ u1 C! Y' \- N# X
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
3 } k9 R2 H7 H; v" {although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she5 l4 E6 n/ i3 }" A" g0 i: L) H
was around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!" ^! [& F( v' [! M# x
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TUESDAY:" ^/ n: g/ b* ]% L* a' c
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.' C" r2 ^8 M5 H, R5 [/ q" r! \* n
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
4 Z. B9 j U% m! ]and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
% d+ d. G9 l/ {, p$ ?! H1 Ktreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it& O- {! z! h3 v3 b9 L
all worthwhile.& u0 P# Z4 d6 p+ y3 i
2 q6 j6 J3 g9 m+ X8 d& _I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.9 w! \1 k' p+ p. {% J
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WEDNESDAY:
/ b& z5 H5 J+ o0 O" @# B# GThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
/ f) R, `' F1 r1 d5 q, w) j, Zthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have( j) L7 N6 i R
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
, }+ C5 i1 g! msteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams0 K/ Z" a6 m! r3 r5 o3 z7 r, J; R4 O
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
7 e1 [' e) v! l4 |- g* g) xearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
5 B f& ~$ D0 e7 ~( q! e- H+ P: ]' nthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so0 O9 A+ U" d2 r
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a: b3 S1 y0 s$ a8 p3 }2 m
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
0 v1 I5 N \! ]% F: vtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life., \; S) x# o+ j7 ^: o3 ]
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She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:8 D, S$ O6 S/ x$ s5 x9 {5 x
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as! j' _( U; K, |: B9 D
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help/ O8 X: y& `) V5 Z( F
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
4 {* n. U+ K" utook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and/ s O& c% l& z3 t$ d
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
8 Y0 z4 m3 r/ g. ymachine -- which I sank.: U' _& N5 S" [- j4 T
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FRIDAY:
" N9 k+ i$ D5 K# f& W5 q7 f8 i7 cI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
' T0 V9 N8 R/ k' R! kany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
6 c5 q- W) B& K! Aanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
: W3 D: Y9 K' x( P* t( K: E3 ?could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda- B, l2 [( [4 J: ?. l( S8 n
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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9 b g1 T* j- h b" jAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
$ [9 g, d3 K( T! C3 jthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
' k, B+ e. R V1 s( ]- {teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach! M: q$ ~& I* g1 K5 M3 b, S$ Z
or the choir director?1 p; R. k; C. ?2 N2 A: S" e: X
6 F y- d8 z/ I- MSATURDAY:
1 [" p" V0 w, Q$ G, q. l hBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
$ r! w5 U$ G0 j. |% E3 [8 `+ w" _shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
$ L( W! D9 v$ H0 _* w4 zmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
% w! b: e, _& j! s6 Z: a! xstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
, s8 i# b% _" K, C/ Q; whours of the Weather Channel.& v' Y" Z. i$ z0 m' M+ e9 d7 W
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SUNDAY:
0 _: Q1 P" k, yI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go3 h% |- ~9 p( _7 ?# ?0 ^& J
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
; }2 Z' c% M) s& Pmy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like0 p) Q: u8 U! z, \- F7 ?
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
