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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something; K/ q# U1 E; i( M
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
0 j5 V% u, T7 j; F. n, m" w2 D: Dinto a regular workout routine.8 W( S0 q! I' H! [* a h
7 K0 f2 I9 _. q2 L% DDear Diary:
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a' P0 G! P. {/ j: j8 @- `8 Z
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
7 q% {7 e: |. p7 eam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
6 i# \0 R% x. n" z* j+ Qyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
2 H& ^! W, w7 P7 k. Y% Q' ?try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer9 Y/ E9 c# f; K Q
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics# j1 a7 ^( e" c8 K. Q, a- {
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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/ z8 a& X% \& U9 i- O( c7 _My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club' O+ A. h2 O4 j+ n
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
2 J" T z9 M7 X: Z9 Gworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for, \5 u/ M- F5 G B# ^2 E$ u
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing; Q$ U; r% Q1 o" z7 k' d1 h/ V
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!0 U/ s! X- V, t( j! t
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed$ k$ R1 f* |/ j6 G: R
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
& h5 ~9 A! X/ @) a5 V9 ?4 Ain her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 f& z( b, |5 U3 q$ r7 Z5 D8 v, V1 Zwhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.4 g, c2 p2 A* k) R1 s% V
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
) k. E5 F ~& k, nalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
' U5 @* e# U( w0 O6 _# y4 Iwas around.
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!3 N$ L# W$ V( a; v. F. y
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TUESDAY:+ A) u! I. c& B6 G+ k# F* y" @5 B
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
# V# E! \ ~3 [* O9 u5 vBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
0 L3 y# p7 s& d& r i1 F- band then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the. |8 q6 c t0 A/ v' g4 O! |
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
- F! ^. v7 j3 F2 w4 p' m8 m2 ~; tall worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.5 A+ q3 v# A' D) l/ ~! V0 P
% _8 z! ?8 k. v$ j6 F: F PWEDNESDAY:
8 _0 r; t1 y1 m1 EThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
# z" Y5 U. D- m0 Fthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
/ u! t9 n3 |, q' N) k4 i0 wa hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to1 Y0 q2 X+ ^9 D/ D
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
/ \8 r" Y1 T& J: s; h% mbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for9 v' B& m r9 B1 B
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
) C2 h2 \* R0 R7 I) ?" Xthat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so9 v9 y/ p) K7 ^2 y
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
% O1 g$ I: J. Y4 s" C* `machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
i! @9 G. i- _/ _$ D" M( y3 |told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.6 T3 A$ I' B7 f1 K. a/ M3 o8 Y
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She said some other shit too.
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+ d* R& Z' K# @THURSDAY:
1 U9 E9 ?/ z o9 J5 T3 _* gBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
& u; B8 p5 j! D$ F( Gher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
( w5 {9 M% L' t. d; h) A0 k$ pbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda8 d# p0 ~( ?* b, ~6 F2 j( v
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
6 K$ _+ X+ ^8 Ohid in the men's room.
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' ~9 ]( s4 w* H1 CShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing6 K5 ~/ ?0 ^* r- ]+ _; \2 d
machine -- which I sank.* Z6 y" R$ p. x! b8 D% }# \, ?
( g1 I3 H% {* g: ~( lFRIDAY:# ?( {0 @+ F% _3 T3 W
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated+ R4 S+ u+ R0 ^$ }+ e1 R
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,: Z5 i6 h4 e8 f3 {
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
+ X0 @2 `) H- v T$ R9 r9 S! t1 f0 Kcould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda b. ^0 I, f% B# X* r
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
, e x" S, |, u, c! ]% K9 k( dthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
, ^. T) [3 g% K4 N; o* }5 lteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
9 e( X2 @6 [- r6 O7 N2 V+ Tor the choir director?
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SATURDAY:; Q, R; ~1 G3 D3 `6 }
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
! v( P( u$ e" F9 \shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
/ I L6 U. _8 h, rmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
9 y' ]1 r3 e, ` ?" ?3 [$ Nstrength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight7 Q! ]& N% k- I- b7 q8 k
hours of the Weather Channel." c, @0 U3 d5 E! A# I$ |3 ~- I9 C
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SUNDAY:
0 H! t+ ? Z8 F1 V. |$ Y) tI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go: X" X0 `0 E9 |# C K+ v* B& ~
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, m+ U$ o9 }0 U9 U1 H' |
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like3 \0 r) t% h1 t, F: q7 U
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
