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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something( n0 y6 V; [4 Z9 ~
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get% f+ Q& ]% W+ ?/ B2 E3 z# z5 w
into a regular workout routine.& V7 l+ K% u* Y0 V$ ^7 h
1 x* Y x! T# U' a" dDear Diary:% e- J: z. d3 x
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For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a6 `* i/ t' Q" k, M7 o7 j
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I5 _2 R3 ~2 j+ a1 y& @2 X9 ?
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25( w* z! y: I% Q3 F$ `) L9 i8 b
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a/ s7 w: x( T; A1 H" I/ B, K c6 f
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
1 u+ o9 J2 \$ o! T# knamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics/ N8 k* `) d; `- e e1 `/ F) Q
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.2 \, u/ ~) i6 Q) n" B$ x
& t% h( g3 r" a" g" C! o1 eMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club% a, _# K) n, b6 g1 c; [
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.) h$ y' e# J. H# ?1 P
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MONDAY:
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8 V/ [+ U4 X5 f" |8 EStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
1 _( }" b/ V% Q" d% m" w' hworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for8 V4 M3 W d0 g
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing/ Z" I% K$ x) l8 w. m9 J2 Y
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!" x# p7 k; H; H" |
0 G' t- X" [! Y: ~! UShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
& R# g- e/ c: J& Xthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her5 n5 _& v+ x8 p" k) V
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
' r4 N5 L5 d; t0 W: s- _7 ~which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.- H3 F; L+ t3 \! x
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
& C$ f2 @0 j* Y2 n( Falthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she% {( L, t2 q1 o' x( h8 U& Y% v
was around.1 G9 U, U! E, N4 }" U: b9 c7 j' g/ R
s9 c! w1 g1 Q2 @This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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. O. \* C# P" d3 w1 ITUESDAY:' G3 j6 W3 u: o) C' T( Y: S2 u
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
1 { M. i& ]! `3 m, KBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
9 K1 q9 ^' ]. y0 c" v/ g) r! Tand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the- u9 w: i" ]+ Q l
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it, K: @' s. z4 |* z2 _8 a
all worthwhile.
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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* C w9 W6 }: N5 {/ N" O8 ~8 [# s2 ?WEDNESDAY:& `7 L' c! f# }( Q
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on4 ~( r+ _2 u. ^9 Q( s
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have4 w( O/ H. R9 H# R, k; W
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
. a, l+ u' `6 C2 X% f0 k/ J4 Hsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
! {5 a ]# ~, Mbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for8 [: O6 ~0 |% h& {4 ]5 O
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine+ ` v8 G( B( J8 ^3 d- }
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
* e1 f- }& l9 O( I! Y- BBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
6 Y8 c# _7 D/ l9 ?machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda) ]# K0 s3 z. _% H
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.* l# V; w4 |9 U: p ~" ]
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She said some other shit too.7 T) \: P& g6 S1 G+ S% J# y# S6 o
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THURSDAY:7 ^; j5 s6 j9 d! P
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
* y, ~( U3 O3 }4 O) `her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
% p4 [' |) Q) p# A; ~; W& hbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda% n/ u% v8 g' H0 S' g% M
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and7 c5 }% C; K! B
hid in the men's room.$ h9 H6 r( J& e5 C# d7 V) J
2 s, |5 |/ T# J6 q0 r: R( s6 uShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
+ d& [4 ]8 {' @, |machine -- which I sank.
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" u. |1 B$ d) l2 D; kFRIDAY:# ^6 _8 P7 a- `# a, {
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
; Y4 b/ s$ Y. A' E' \any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,- r7 f F( o+ _9 k
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I' v. v" ~# l- {! g1 q
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
$ G" |5 G% W' Ewanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!# [. I0 e R9 U& ~
. Z& M1 Q5 D- ~- kAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me$ o- h' a1 K) T1 t* b
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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4 r0 s) N- r$ x* W4 K* K( _4 k" B# _The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
' _, F) X7 p" ^- g+ r* J2 Hteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
7 r* X" a) e5 Z& Z! `& o! Zor the choir director?! Z/ G) @ ~: s
% v, f1 k1 Y9 _8 e- j HSATURDAY:' A5 {8 E3 z# w, i5 V* {6 ~ O
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,1 q8 F$ k5 J( g S9 H
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her7 A" x/ Q; J6 n/ m3 [
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the1 T: E0 @0 y; V# R( C- ^9 [3 ?: O
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight5 n$ `) Z6 d1 Z6 I# s
hours of the Weather Channel.
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( J3 V# n0 @) kSUNDAY:0 t* F# { w3 J) h9 k1 q' I
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go' H1 k3 h& r6 v
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
2 ~( [! M& k8 P+ t! t5 z, }! emy wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like: w* |& X7 _6 O/ i4 Z' X, f( K
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
