WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
4 o& N( @6 F% @( t/ Qwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

* u4 {+ P6 ^. A, F% aDear Diary:
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0 m$ s* Q: c+ n; P" C4 }; h9 k$ ^For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
9 P4 ?7 R2 i/ L1 }week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
/ O6 S3 \" P+ L  R' w3 \# ~' Tam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
8 L- C) k2 F% i" o8 ]/ ayears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
6 \! r4 M) J: L! ?0 [; I$ ynamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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& @/ ^- j+ ?, @8 q# j3 X3 a3 v- n3 qMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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! r/ k- K# q5 `: d. S# ~MONDAY:
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Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
' W7 j) X2 a: X) Q, _worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
, u5 J- X: ]9 C  n0 L" C+ [me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
+ X" E6 ~8 K# k6 d. D) |eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
8 E) W) {" q+ e+ k% @% j6 l( z
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
  p! B0 p& A. ^0 }( @6 l, Hthat my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
( w) m3 g& L! t( U% H# ^# `in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
  ~4 P6 ^5 V4 AI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
$ w/ P' b% z* Q. @. [4 T4 V1 nBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
7 |& ]6 Z5 E( {8 ]: jand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
" J: h4 q  X( B" Q! Lall worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
2 C4 v  a; r1 Jthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
1 |0 V+ o; u+ o: Gsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
" K* R0 ?% w8 x- C) _: g/ Gearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
) `% r, ^& ~/ B8 R& c! [that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
8 D8 f" n# ]) g! H, m3 D: QBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
: T+ ^4 s2 g, c5 [1 \- v5 R9 r+ `machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

, C% S" C7 O# ~& F/ Z' f* _  ZShe said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
  n% n0 ]0 ]/ T- UBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
! u) o) x! G  \, U+ y2 jtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
hid in the men's room.
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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! C2 d' s( [  pFRIDAY:
3 ]- l0 R8 {) o9 R: `0 WI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
! g! {4 B* z' Z# W2 r: l. g6 `anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
: o. W  y) u; Ucould move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

# M" i; n* k. j) q( |And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
* X7 R1 q9 a9 F6 q+ K: _, c# zthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
4 Y; H7 s( h0 h8 {& B) _
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
2 p. K  f' w0 L! U) d, Tteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
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; ]6 Y6 ^: B/ M* G  ]# M0 cSATURDAY:
; f( Q9 a4 H7 y3 p( V7 C2 |" ]6 qBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
- H$ C: g  B  p9 i7 x5 fand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
* \9 r: u$ r% Ca root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.