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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,- x( Y6 ?6 ^2 Z& U# y+ X, A7 h0 z
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
7 _5 w4 H1 v  J, @2 z零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 1 b& _  G$ c0 M2 w4 Z
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
7 e( K6 C: a7 }- L; l; ]梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
4 p  Y  L5 L( S- X" o0 d( ]% ?眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.1 ^& s! n8 x: z2 F" V
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night./ I# g/ `/ h  C/ d: N8 J2 X
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.: S1 ]) J7 C# d. B" p2 B( Y
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.) k5 t6 i) ?  [  B4 K/ g
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
2 y6 O5 s) D4 V0 \, n9 C那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
# C* q: j1 o! R& n; q5 a8 x世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.5 U' C7 U, _- H% Q$ W1 `  r
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.0 E7 z0 Y" I; \2 A9 b# w
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.5 W. R6 K" l4 @: c$ G$ v% i
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. . f) o0 x9 ]3 A! X" q' V) |
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?% a% A' f1 L4 t2 ^  L$ H1 s. }
醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.
5 J( ?. F+ `$ I9 X3 T2 b0 [迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.3 D! Y' Q+ a, W1 p% H1 K
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
. Z3 T, |8 O2 B& E) c多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
8 l7 [1 S3 o0 A' uWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
5 Z# g  m3 S+ ?+ `多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
) I' _& a3 T2 `# l不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.* D( `2 I6 K8 f' `
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
# ]' F9 _  Y6 {5 q; Y为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?" [3 W- |( u; ^& r+ Y) f* ?
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
4 p) n- ^4 B2 }5 T永难平息的泪
+ _4 ^" N+ ?. Q每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes0 ^- S; G) Y+ h3 ?! v4 e4 u
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.9 N- A- z8 `" ?' i" r
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.6 N4 z, o+ [# b9 g" w& i9 }
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
* U1 n* v- V9 h0 {你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
# G! b5 d6 ~$ ]5 G一抹微笑;: r9 g) [8 b7 q2 E7 D- E. r- g
一个手势;
: e" T% f. B5 d+ p$ r% R  W( D) k一片话语,
. d8 ~" x2 j; k愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
1 _. ~% s( c) _- g8 I& t明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
* z# `/ ]$ @0 }* `心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.+ a/ r; N1 K& Q0 S4 ~) o0 N$ ~) r
这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
* o7 ]  _; g7 g: N- Y9 X8 m也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..
2 i0 H3 O* K8 A0 r: n起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,, O7 i* I! i2 P2 B2 u+ ]- o
我并不以为然。
% x8 E" a1 M* d5 H# X* v可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed   d$ P- C' }- g8 L4 I- m
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .# [1 [0 E" i- }  J
被一种情绪所左右,+ i. s0 [9 C( C3 g6 l& g; F. d. A
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .( o: G2 }; O: ], K
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you6 P; C5 [- ]3 {. D8 E. o7 P" W# _- X
也不问我是否喜欢你,; O% e+ K/ F0 v: c( ^
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.- y$ q: e8 r/ V8 f& F" k
只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you
$ S: [* R: d# T$ J3 z6 u1 M' U3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
, l1 i$ e0 G' `# T) Q心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil# P& O$ }; M3 A: Y( ?
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere 7 B" N) h4 H9 Y) V' L
你的身影已化成一种氛围,7 }) o/ F7 d1 O, _
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.+ e5 f/ I5 A: V  I
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
. ~# r) Y9 ^6 r/ Y随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字2 y- N& Q: {4 b8 j1 Y" H
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,/ V& s1 w- M  N% c! j6 [
一种声音,and your voice
  S2 E# J$ ^- ^+ f" a也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.+ S& z2 e0 _: V* o' A+ g) g
掺杂著幸福的感觉。/ t& j9 P9 P* b" g
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
+ Y0 J1 P$ }% s6 T$ C2 e4 o象雪花般撒落在我的心田,, v0 k; I/ E& t/ l/ n  y
倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
! s2 g2 s8 t+ ~2 }5 L' |纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
+ t& s# U. }! R; j7 \( E6 K你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
- d- f% n2 d" T/ _! b有一个能够让思念的人,; W7 S0 z+ [$ \1 d
其实也是一种幸福。
6 U' W  j. N4 T+ b4 x  F  I尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
4 E4 d, z' E5 ]* S/ E: |柔柔的海风,5 i4 c0 `- u$ |& _7 E/ }
甜甜的夏天。
( E3 X2 _' R$ A' O0 S' [一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy 8 X$ Y" Q. g8 o
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly./ ?, w1 k; ?; d8 a! ~* z& @
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.) B& ^; O2 _5 K& L2 K
想和你有共同的情结,
, Q8 W! \& J4 R* R: ]0 b/ I7 m% b1 F共同的心愿。
2 I0 j: x% \! N  l/ m* l  O+ U: V: R; X- p1 S% t" Y

+ q. s3 k8 b. g/ t( z1 s4 W好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
! v5 p, O7 `+ ~* M7 Q, G一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together" s( L3 L# @+ M& X4 S8 f
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film 1 [' J) s4 _$ d1 i* \: J
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.
, d# d4 O  N9 N8 m8 n7 J『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
$ J9 x+ O' ]5 W8 w0 y我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, $ z# k4 o* ]1 i- O; M
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
/ x( G$ h1 y% J: B) ^" ?或是轻轻的一吻,) Q! A2 Z5 G, U# }% V6 V4 R
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
3 B1 r- T, E$ }. X) V就足够了. That is enough.
/ U5 a8 e3 D( K2 m! x  F/ b这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
- S- l/ `0 U9 [2 n& v9 {  z9 b* {终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
. V8 o7 l# N& M. {/ f萌出了芽,1 _3 e3 j; ]; C" }' ]* {6 {: n
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing
" b6 [+ v- g/ e$ x浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
9 p1 B- X$ |6 G1 E' r" ]7 K0 x9 N如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand# b& c2 @. s, N
能够牵著你的手,9 R( n( M! H: o. v8 E# @4 n3 T9 A
那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
- x; B! X5 p( b+ f; J让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. 2 ]% S3 F/ @& g4 ?" _
慢慢地细读,- V# s( f, |: B8 }" o1 d
我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
; |* I% A  i" Q在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
/ y3 b4 n% f+ h9 T! L我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
' x! g- C9 Z0 q! b: [1 ~9 j就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
& k0 G2 k- l2 C; ~7 O# q/ v" d; N8 }现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
0 i" F- J1 a$ @6 b) A- H眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.* Y6 d1 o+ d9 N: E( H! _
change to:lacked1 W7 A$ ?0 h, q  {  [
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
8 c; ^' E. D5 c( }* iCats often played at the whole hot night.% ?# L( @8 k: m# X, |1 k
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及7 H3 P( A. h+ a. J3 p1 ~
改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.. h4 ^0 M0 G& H# n6 n1 {* r
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
9 h1 h8 h5 {$ ]: _) L该为:throughyour hands.% y" b7 _" Q# q: a0 i
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。) A. X6 Q! M  {/ z& ^) n
不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。* S' l: [0 O) t" V) O) L& `/ @) q, _
至少比我强。+ g# W3 \+ {/ u2 b  I* }4 F; w
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 7 @9 R' ^2 y4 w& b
& G1 q" R# L8 b- Z
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
3 m2 k8 L7 k- S" _3 P# x, F  W后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.2 z# c6 w/ H1 h2 n. j1 V% {$ U+ M
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.& d, o1 ~- ]1 y
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:& O8 l5 p: g$ j
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.# C" T2 t* h& p2 R5 z! {+ I6 o% X
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
" M- N3 A+ o) U4 F/ J/ [# Y0 `; N Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
- S7 w5 Y- @& N( C' F7 n# bThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.; R; Q7 ]( ^& h4 O4 i- P" a0 n
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
0 x" ?* m! j& U, wSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:$ g$ ]! w+ I! g
Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool - z# s0 P5 W7 `, {. K0 G6 Y& p% l( l
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.: t5 |5 i9 Q0 ^* A/ W
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
0 j' Q# _& @+ f% o& I" pThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.
2 ~5 V6 }# I* J) TThat shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
1 [( _. x/ N) i! _+ b& g) E8 DI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
0 C# H0 N& G, I3 E2 m3 s* fI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
6 F5 a1 [. t( e- k# pIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
) q' H0 ^* ~2 B* f: GIntoxicated then feel cold,+ T- L- |" q( V2 x1 z3 }  M' D
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
% D2 s. p. I4 {  F) \! [I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.; T4 ]" e) C% @5 i: N
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
7 Y( F2 T) A( U( ^! ^6 x% a# ?2 T* z  aWhy I am always hoodwinked!
* y- {1 o$ G) s* b; ]I have told myself many times cautiously
5 e) e( {6 I8 Z8 G4 V: C' Q. bdon`t fall into the spoony whirligig., a/ g4 |5 |# c5 C3 G
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
* E' {; h% e6 B# ?# \Why can`t I take it easy?4 {2 R; W! ~1 c5 H0 p! {  U
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
* d3 `8 o; Y% E- P; YWhen the quiet night comes
2 |: s0 @! g& \' v  |6 A1 Pyour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.8 w* u- Y8 Y9 T% i4 |" C: [: y7 A" q
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.) ]2 }  r4 X4 X8 {) B" j  c1 H
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,0 e, j( N% b& }0 h
light the dark corner in my mind.
* R% W8 A- H# F8 V. Y+ ?I feel a bit of cozy., b/ k: V! O# V* m5 V& k- \. _
The deep attached to you in a twinkling
( n, t6 d2 ^: R" ^9 ^' |6 imaybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
8 g3 R0 L: T! j  \; p! T0 [I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,! D1 K' K3 L2 L# `8 f$ w
but accompanying with the time passed2 {" D2 }9 V4 y. u4 v: A% p
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
2 v9 R( ?) i' t9 j$ }8 x  Palways feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.% h1 P; r, t1 r. a
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
: q9 H; S  y3 |& d" }only feel gracious for your existing,+ x% ?+ p) V& [) z
onlt want to do something for you.9 y4 S6 q) D5 F+ w8 X# o
Every time when you meet me' Z: i4 s% r; y9 x3 P
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,- P( f4 g! P* Y/ a
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere4 B3 T$ O! ?! s7 _5 d3 J9 o
That live in my heart.
0 b5 |! r5 h5 c+ B7 O  sDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
  F8 M/ q) k8 J4 s1 a6 SEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
6 e8 e6 O9 D% umake me gently distraught with happy feeling.
. a. Y9 G% L1 p- b+ A  cThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land* |7 E4 i/ S; O3 t# W" ~
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
& R7 A4 Y. D9 v  K! ^Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
1 d  t5 B" E3 i* T5 k+ v2 e% s) cespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.' o0 c- Y) S: J
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
$ }: ?. U+ `3 Z% I4 \only waiting for you quietly; z8 M( W, o, o7 D- e
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do." l* A5 F* {2 r
I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
7 \) }* s1 k% H) C/ Dand enjoy the rain washing together
, W% n# `$ V4 B  B" C- n# M: zor rush to a film
2 }7 s* l) ~* V- x+ y8 U4 g7 s( por listen to a music quietly.
. n( s6 c9 R7 c5 kWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?9 A* m  N; _0 K, B' T
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
- |2 m/ d5 Q) O+ k( Ksmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".8 F: X, S/ N( h* n4 q
That is enough.4 ~# m) |5 E& l; D& q6 j
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
: t$ b; D- G/ [1 b4 m/ ^  pfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
' U3 |8 O4 U  S  i  m$ ?- Gthe same as my missing.0 f) P3 @2 |3 m( ~/ }% o$ r/ o
It comes a little bit of verdure.2 h+ t1 q! [5 Q9 F8 d
If, If some day I can touch your hand,
5 b; Q% C& q/ `, S2 F/ |, R, Uthen I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
: Q) E/ N9 f1 p' I+ @. y( jLet you touch me gently and read me carefully.$ ]( r$ `; S5 T5 W: E
I will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.) V" }# B8 h7 O$ g
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,5 g8 f9 `, ]' [
then I will have all care and ardor.
7 {3 J8 }& y$ KShall we walk arm in arm?
% N$ w+ `, j/ q, \呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.. p) W6 z8 t4 R8 P. {
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
3 P% t- e  \. m8 jI am still the same person of yesterday.
% F1 U$ F# s6 j# [  }Unchanged name, unchanged I.
  c8 K6 O! l8 ]( p1 e8 `% CSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
6 k& M  [% k" K0 o3 g2 g/ @0 c0 {! O) \Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
' F/ c2 T, p/ P& m5 T6 YMore or less,
/ u4 A1 Y9 l. I5 C( _9 h2 H8 f a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
" P7 R% B* l( V4 a. Z* J
% Q2 s' g9 ?6 _: ISummer easily slips away
7 j) e1 D. w7 t* v% H% gThose long lost hot nights
+ D1 P( @3 o+ d2 s  Y can only be found in the old days. & O7 [' b) f" u8 V' P% j  Q" b
/ d: ?3 m) f5 K) e/ ?0 G. N
Cats jumping over the window sills,
; e9 x( N5 G& Achasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
- q  r1 V! _" ?, o$ X7 {Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.3 n% O- C. D9 }# [; X
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.+ \9 r% a1 n$ _) U" M8 `9 E; ]
I am still the same person of yesterday.# m8 S0 E4 {- T; H8 D1 x3 `
Unchanged name, unchange ...
  w. c" a5 G2 K; W8 X
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
, b' K# r0 ?. i/ ?% f; e$ g$ C7 ~Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.9 B4 p9 Q5 W) e- M/ V4 U5 S. w( L
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
4 Q- x! k4 X6 O( |+ KI am still the same person of yesterday.* F  |! C+ C7 b
Unchanged name, unchange ...

+ @4 R3 J6 G9 B0 Ti like it.
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