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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,
* _; ^4 _+ N1 O,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  + j# L( _6 J* \
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . 5 F! I. G) U9 E5 U# o; Z" X, m
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.
; S& x# f3 K! Y3 E; S. O梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
: T$ ]2 d& P# k眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.) i! j% S8 j" r* V
夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night." _# Y: v; h* z; _! U
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
) c1 @/ \2 ^* l! m就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
1 ^  K3 `4 ]; T3 l9 ]" F! Q我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及' ~# V; @! |/ T& o3 l
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
+ O# ^7 y  S; [# h8 d世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
6 j8 E/ ^9 p  u4 T. E! m昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.. [% d9 t/ {) Q! K9 {  F
想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.& D9 h, A( }" k$ n7 f; H+ k3 n
最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. & @( J3 h" ?7 B2 q8 l
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
8 Q# a  S/ O0 Q& @( ?/ k% O1 u醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold.) {( R2 j* w* O* A- i
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.* }7 n9 t& y5 t4 M  J
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
( s1 ?- _- ^2 I5 s! E多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?4 j  p  C- i, h; C: g
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….
4 Q& \* V% l% a# X2 W多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
% S- u3 \5 f  q" d% ]' {: H不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
2 f4 q. _+ X6 V# }" y多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
1 Z3 ^& F& A! ~# o+ K7 V& |为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?3 B: ^7 V6 t  a3 K, b( h) x
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
: |: }) G- T9 _, W/ R8 L: y* f永难平息的泪
& B. H: Y  g1 X8 v' m6 V& y  g每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes% h5 F7 X5 y$ `' J9 s0 n
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
% |' r0 U5 ?6 e! l! Y5 ?当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably., e! F0 p- X9 p, S( Q
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
- P% }  ?& z1 O+ k- [! n" U& P, |, v你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
- x. R4 w5 W5 C  C  I4 S一抹微笑;
! c6 @. X5 a6 [/ A# H一个手势;4 w0 w$ g* w; Z7 m1 ~
一片话语,4 \9 \" T  M: T) ~$ _
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、
, X+ d& Z( h) _0 m: N- ?. p明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
) o" f' P9 U) i# l% M1 Q+ x/ H4 ]心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
/ x! A) M3 d/ u, p) T这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
, T$ J, j6 ?0 n$ I; T  L% s也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life... T0 v( ]# H" W, j4 x. X  x
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,6 H" T  Y# A+ A3 y# ~! u/ v0 q
我并不以为然。7 S+ f( q8 Z9 Y' \, o
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed # T. [" ~( i1 N) h9 c3 L
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
, i- L! X% ^2 H7 O! v9 f被一种情绪所左右,
4 ^1 K* B/ e1 q总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .3 j, X( v  o5 K4 p  l# W0 T$ {
即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
2 R4 a6 s/ a0 P0 i+ K# V也不问我是否喜欢你,2 F* {0 Q; _1 L+ w" A
对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
; C9 E$ U# l: b只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you0 G: i, S, b' m( z1 k
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you1 H  L6 H; ~* [8 y9 k0 s4 l% i
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil
5 k# B8 r$ u  K- ?然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere . q% W2 X# N# s6 D7 l7 A; y* Z
你的身影已化成一种氛围,
: f( }- D9 V% h2 o记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
( |* o5 S. C! X. e4 w" r. i# N你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! * H! m" `  N7 X. z/ D  t9 ^0 @
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
+ r% W( |" i& U' y. o2 q  _. d3 P* q哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
. N4 ?* H: N( Q3 a一种声音,and your voice- b% L+ p4 L' {. C9 U. \" ?
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
* x" @+ B: k  e' o4 P' x掺杂著幸福的感觉。! p; M6 Q* \5 Y/ p/ D  Y
与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
& W. m/ M8 u  L) I4 ~8 G象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
2 v( S5 O( w- p) L1 y( D, p, ]倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
* f6 o" f1 X) ]2 x  }纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
2 {' R4 s% Z: I你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
/ p' @$ c! J1 ~1 i2 u$ @' e" Z有一个能够让思念的人,
8 C0 |% [2 s* ]% |/ P$ n其实也是一种幸福。2 S% j$ C3 P" P/ T& k3 w
尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
. Q# |4 A  G) M6 t柔柔的海风,
6 \' N/ q( U: R5 j' o7 E0 a. ~, @甜甜的夏天。
/ U8 m+ n6 _' j* E7 h2 w一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
$ o5 M3 @3 M0 G( Z6 \6 s( `" N只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.
8 ^% b) K! W5 ]* X# W仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do." d$ \" S- o' z' i
想和你有共同的情结,& u- Z% U6 G+ H% S1 l) c
共同的心愿。  t1 f) N# y$ p6 i' d* H2 s

( h; |$ j7 |, ?/ z: p- E$ i/ b6 Q( y- Y: I  U4 V
好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 i9 Q8 T- C4 Z# u9 O8 F1 K一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
6 C: a: @$ _  D: n% v或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film
6 d/ t! h$ d: a% X& R0 M或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.9 }) W( A0 l3 a5 J
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?$ a* |1 t; U4 I8 a& `
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, & ~5 F8 a: Q8 z( V
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”
6 X! X  }# j& h或是轻轻的一吻,# G% T+ I5 F+ ?% c  O
再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
1 ]  @5 F! z6 w0 Y7 f# p: \就足够了. That is enough.% H% C8 b5 a$ ?6 N4 J" t7 A
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! % n& F$ r$ [+ |/ n9 `& ^
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
9 l- D, Y) j6 n" `/ J2 u3 R萌出了芽," q: L+ N: ~# f0 w, s
一如对你的思念,the same as my missing: S  z7 A3 t; b" d% N8 Q
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.( \1 m# s- v( [
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand& z! G. @: U# T. Q; ]. ~9 u% S
能够牵著你的手,
& @2 V& [+ j+ i8 Y那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
1 i, {' Z  S5 ]+ P4 R4 }3 J/ L让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully. * q: K. F6 ~3 _8 P- r
慢慢地细读,
4 S; U5 n, V. W( m我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 3 i" z! O# S' b2 ^. x* T* W5 u
在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
/ a1 Z5 x4 M& Q0 r3 p: |: _( k我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor : \& U5 \' ]; {# t7 P
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:( _4 l% d7 B9 x  u  T/ S
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago
# w* N. ^; D  T) l! y眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
% D) H7 Y" [: x: n9 j2 Z; {/ i7 Wchange to:lacked
( p. W9 d3 K( d6 J猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
6 `3 K6 L6 c5 ^" WCats often played at the whole hot night.; B3 x9 |: T( t1 b2 Q' |& ^! E$ [2 ^
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
) E3 |  ^3 o( v" t, [( {改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
7 ?; a5 ?, w6 }. a) `  ]I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. : N0 t6 s8 ?# V  t
该为:throughyour hands." A% k" P9 k  [- G
还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
0 x! k* `4 H; Q$ y不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
& ]* q. g9 `8 o+ T至少比我强。8 B: {$ i$ o! J/ L2 i" g6 v$ w6 s
偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... $ A5 q% s- C5 m

# F1 j/ r; |# S5 d) O) \这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。& I. C3 l% F0 g) x7 b
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了., o1 Z& c! z" m5 P0 j
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.* ]0 G, ^/ w8 R7 D7 w# s
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:. U: j+ R& D  u. E5 q9 q
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.
- Z# [3 c. s; @5 q+ }6 ?$ l& x( |Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.. b) h4 V+ D1 v) J7 _1 d. {
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
1 m. N2 p7 B  T- iThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
0 u0 ]0 e  s$ Q3 G0 ASeemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
$ n7 Q# d- N/ `  |1 v6 ZSummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
0 f, k: \* A# i8 C* i6 y, PCats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool
; L6 O0 }* ^% r) a7 K& Plike us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
0 S9 Z6 y, A6 b! W: F7 H. G, L+ aI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
2 Z, _$ `0 K2 T* T5 {The emotion and the carma only is a dream.$ }* C2 L  }( R5 g& m7 B: v+ t- C
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.5 L0 F6 G/ B7 `. Y) S6 V
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.9 m- n* Q4 e' D9 R- |/ {( R" }
I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.* o( @1 z8 K2 `/ d0 ^1 k
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?, T" U" A9 a, X
Intoxicated then feel cold,7 |; [$ a( y* O. Y1 {: r9 ~
the labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.' v9 _6 V: N7 \) G6 `8 g& U8 _7 s
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
, T# q; @8 [' r( [The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?6 d3 w; I& S" _+ c, K9 s& |# @
Why I am always hoodwinked!6 o* _1 O. C; N# w$ e
I have told myself many times cautiously
$ u1 [; R5 P8 u  ^) a7 ?don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.9 P) w: Y6 @% u1 K& G
The amorous women always get drunk by desolation.0 k. u1 Y; w: H. @- w  s
Why can`t I take it easy?' F4 M6 c' e. N- C% E. ^% |
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!& f% h7 B5 ^4 X1 H7 y: e  X  ]
When the quiet night comes
3 c; n8 p8 G- z0 f# k- W( syour figure usually appears in front of my eyes.' a: s/ E' ?; L' `* j
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.2 [, C: n" k9 [- i
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,7 b; M, B' n2 O
light the dark corner in my mind.
* x/ {& `$ L/ v# ]; S$ U/ aI feel a bit of cozy.
+ x6 R' |) [& M& A. c% ~  WThe deep attached to you in a twinkling0 C) O3 h" X* T
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.4 q5 V3 s7 Z# i
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
9 h0 P9 o/ Y8 m8 d7 N5 c  Rbut accompanying with the time passed
3 J- s- `4 q, D7 II am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,) o9 I" `% g" [- ]7 t5 E. d2 t
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
8 g2 z$ \3 E( \2 n% hWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
, s: Y2 C+ X' L5 G( s) g- h- Z: eonly feel gracious for your existing,! s" W- b) e6 @
onlt want to do something for you.' k, @+ F) }: o8 l4 a* I
Every time when you meet me
& `7 `! a- p5 Ythe sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
8 D+ G4 U- H+ E, `2 J& a# ?but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
( D( L; F, E3 w; F% XThat live in my heart.  A+ r- Y: F7 q/ [2 a
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?( t7 K1 E" @) M- w8 U3 g
Even only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
0 k# R# L. Z" o, e$ P, [( Vmake me gently distraught with happy feeling.. d  h' {* W* p: e
The scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land" \; N! Y- ?; Y
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
6 N. Q' X( Q8 bDo you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
( a* s8 U) r2 A5 L$ ^/ o, tespecially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer., \; a: v* \1 s4 k7 T! G# m/ H
Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
8 n: Q& ^. C( m, Z  s$ vonly waiting for you quietly8 k. R- g- K3 c+ D
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
6 ~: M3 G' c, k& f8 C5 dI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
1 ^9 U5 ^7 M( {4 i1 gand enjoy the rain washing together; {7 p  w3 d& H; _; j
or rush to a film" \3 g8 d; m' E0 [5 F
or listen to a music quietly.3 N& S7 f0 l! Y1 S/ c7 ^4 x
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
! O! W1 J/ b1 k5 TIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,+ b  @8 e6 j& Q6 u7 ]8 Q% L
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".
2 r# S8 }, Q( W1 AThat is enough.$ ?) {) E, l( G# e
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,
& B, F% X0 s2 N% Yfinely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
7 i4 N+ {1 j$ @8 p& M0 kthe same as my missing.( V) H, t/ q( R2 p2 l9 ~
It comes a little bit of verdure.4 \1 `0 k" @1 O
If, If some day I can touch your hand, " }  P; g! h8 H5 ^0 t6 x+ a
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.9 w5 m6 _6 H, [$ G& X# Q3 [
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
- ~, M, _; G  d; n: d, n2 ]5 rI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
" d4 O" c# ]4 @; d& nAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,4 _* N% F( }/ T* s* k
then I will have all care and ardor.$ U9 d+ S6 q1 j6 Q5 \, |$ X
Shall we walk arm in arm?( D3 X2 W; Z  p6 d3 u, \
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
6 p! E  m. G0 ^8 a& jLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.4 N: R' u: w% S, q
I am still the same person of yesterday.. E! z0 [+ T) N* x" x$ g
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
+ E) {7 u; J4 L. s; P1 `+ mSame messy hair, same shaggy bag. 8 a5 O3 K  Y" h
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
  x0 |4 b6 {5 A: [More or less,
  B' ^( i. O4 b$ b6 A a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.( P8 L2 y+ t& K% B' t+ s% }

! {; w: q2 v  c5 F, lSummer easily slips away
. T3 @0 _9 l, k* L: FThose long lost hot nights3 R$ R; ]6 @1 |" `
can only be found in the old days. ) w4 m3 u( u) c6 T4 d+ j
: s3 B; [5 ^  V, X: A
Cats jumping over the window sills, 0 W4 F: a4 X* T) c' R, u) a
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
/ v( n/ S$ ?5 Q+ y. b0 [Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.* C+ `7 J3 Z; _, r
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
- X) u; y: ]8 m, l( o% A& x) YI am still the same person of yesterday.6 {" X  n' c5 [4 w1 n
Unchanged name, unchange ...

: @0 [4 Q! R# f: m$ [' n6 C" {" u
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
3 f4 S8 `( _& lGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.- {. P; T2 g6 p2 I6 X% H
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
' B& G% g7 K! U* A/ k- HI am still the same person of yesterday.9 V! o2 B  ]: q! O* C
Unchanged name, unchange ...
# A: \! B( e( F7 i! `: u; w9 V3 X
i like it.
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