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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,- R$ u: X* b% H: {6 K* j4 z
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  
" `' s; `; \) V. o零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running .
2 ?8 a; f3 E: `  x, i0 s现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.3 G5 q- A8 W- n: X5 ~- C1 q& y, |' f: B
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.3 @$ q+ x5 A2 s
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
* v# k1 W' J- z0 w' R) ?夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.
2 F2 K" d( V* K猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.# }- s1 c  L$ ?# J' s
就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.
4 [2 p, A6 ]' Z' @/ R我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及- b6 E4 {2 Z# ^; E$ T0 x
那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。
5 C- k6 E4 |, f! N% _( _世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream.
2 B" J6 _/ p  _& m7 @9 G' B  Z, v$ w昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
6 k/ L, b  Y( D4 k9 a想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
7 H8 j! q- D2 u: O8 m; V2 p' Q最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
0 @5 r. B/ S# i/ P1 x% s寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
* _" K2 y) a" D! ^, g( H8 _' m5 E醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold." W- d) k1 I) w1 n8 ~. H! I
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
! Y6 @6 c9 P! w; o$ f" u! ^最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
4 L4 |7 a( {; k! T* Y多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?
$ o+ S, y0 s& U* h0 I; ~( j! vWhy I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….7 v/ w" O' t5 @2 u7 p
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
6 b5 K) P/ _/ N- N# L6 t8 V不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.5 A# z, r+ {' w9 ?" v
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
; ?: j1 U' C8 j" l" W8 [& S为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?3 }" H* _. |) ^6 S8 H; t+ y
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!# b4 @: A% A! y* ?% k2 Q4 y
永难平息的泪
3 c2 H6 E' g5 g8 S$ P% w每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes6 [4 m, Z& u; Z! |1 B3 X
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.
' }+ a4 N( [- G" ]+ f' Y. R7 R; c当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.
. y# `6 K. R* C6 L  q让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,
/ Q) ?, I. ^; _1 \你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
1 u! N! j( G, y& x  @一抹微笑;
+ T+ u/ b' v+ n4 f# w4 D& ?一个手势;; m( L$ b9 f( s/ J
一片话语,% f' i) P2 g5 A
愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、3 n, [, N2 i1 U4 E, B
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner* U; Z+ K1 T. Q' [5 ?" A
心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
5 b3 t9 e; s0 L/ U这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling
& ^. g' x' {/ o也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..& j& |6 v* W6 {
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,
& M% Y  t% }$ H2 I& \; i7 K) T& ^我并不以为然。
5 p6 t- {5 l; Q可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed
( c2 U6 S5 h! X* t0 ?慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
( d) T7 ]- U) T被一种情绪所左右,  c0 `- f9 J: c6 t3 U
总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
& [. P' J, K" v+ }% ?! |即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
/ D9 e, }( [. V9 j! F. H也不问我是否喜欢你,
% ]* [/ b* W- r$ D# u, ^" E! F8 \对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
7 Y" S: O: t. f$ O4 E$ N只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you) A* I! o+ E, Y6 Z" o
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you$ v! w% l. Y$ Z2 S# [: D. o8 j9 Y  A
心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil4 ^& A0 C6 }/ o+ j
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
. G2 q$ v' D0 n* v. Y- u* k. K# g你的身影已化成一种氛围,- e; y, M- \) U( z  h9 u  t
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.
  \" U, b/ y6 Y0 r& V你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime! 3 ]  \6 Z$ d3 ?! p5 G
随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字
$ \, }( B8 }1 w2 R哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,
* m& s2 a! b" E8 W1 m2 \一种声音,and your voice2 w6 D* C* C  T/ T+ S" R
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.5 L; `  D4 R4 m% ^& ?7 a' j
掺杂著幸福的感觉。
5 Z2 x& S0 l( C- j5 w" b与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land
. A9 r- I  `% I. F6 s3 L$ \象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
" i/ ]0 [- j7 p倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
6 [) |& Z% Z9 G/ |  E3 p2 p纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。/ L+ y/ V! d/ [8 o7 [1 U4 \) _
你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss
# u' @/ G$ @- y% k0 e! ?有一个能够让思念的人,6 M8 {. D! _: b' Z
其实也是一种幸福。
: l/ K$ X. u4 Y尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer. - k, {3 p7 C6 @( s2 f4 `& i4 @
柔柔的海风,7 \# |' s7 T1 U2 Q8 I# H
甜甜的夏天。
3 P/ ?" z8 R; A: B: H/ i' B一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy   r) m) |0 q1 K* d
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.& b3 I. [' g# R8 e- t
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
' ~; m" X9 ]1 R' U1 ^8 U, c/ }想和你有共同的情结,( T5 n, S# L6 M5 t* Y. V3 o0 I* u
共同的心愿。8 Q3 \2 J8 f2 b- K4 L: u

* U' `( J6 h; g* I% O
+ B2 T2 c. e* n+ E好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you  H" F1 Z4 ~4 V1 J) s/ A
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together8 \% t: z) j% h4 W9 O
或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film - L) @# X+ w. M. O1 W$ D( Z
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.. z3 x$ ~" z9 r4 \
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?$ }1 j6 d% ^& j, U$ G7 @* o$ f
我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, # b6 z) z% E! B4 z
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”3 k  `7 Y) U# F4 e1 ^* G
或是轻轻的一吻,
- G) {0 k# @, F5 Z5 C再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
7 s9 }7 F8 W2 U" o' Y就足够了. That is enough.3 \! D. F- y( Z
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago!
7 ]2 N. b- Q+ h& U. z5 V终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.: o. Y/ @. L, a
萌出了芽,
, Z1 U! ~, a: j0 G一如对你的思念,the same as my missing& B) U0 F+ c; a8 W! y$ Y
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.
* q# L. D$ Y+ r. }: \- s如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand1 e. J+ A9 I2 L& U
能够牵著你的手,
6 y) y9 _) C9 i2 [3 M7 L那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.
- R) h. x' z' C& Q  ?让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
0 T, a6 G  j' [" \! Y* m6 @慢慢地细读,
7 Q+ j! t. L) D  v. h9 `我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
  e4 f9 J  I' Y# s# w, a在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me
6 L0 b& Z& i/ \我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor
) G. K8 V) f9 B5 E就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:# |6 @4 b; q6 U# g) m" r
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago0 x: T; ]* r* z8 _* j4 P0 @! {
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
! S% X1 u' H5 h" ^$ x& {change to:lacked& b8 o( t9 @( }
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.8 M1 s+ g! s% a0 Y* [9 U4 _
Cats often played at the whole hot night.1 a  [3 t6 f% K; g% i" X% Z: B# y' C7 |' Z
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
, n/ `% k; w8 H6 ]( ]改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.4 `" R& s  ?) l
I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
. I* ~3 n3 |) U. n# t/ z  b( K/ I/ @该为:throughyour hands.
2 n3 i( Z% e9 p0 ~9 V还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
大型搬家
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
( Y* @2 W- i% C) w不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。
5 B( y: m. U' G. o$ u) J至少比我强。
0 _5 Q# N; H5 F4 U3 O3 {0 E偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... 5 c9 L) `# ]* x9 ~' b) R

. R8 P. C% O" N/ P这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。
/ f' B- x4 d7 s. l, }2 N后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.; J3 q9 P# P* D7 p/ t7 }" ^
谢谢三思的鲜花.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.* ^7 ^  i4 g! j  H
前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:
# L1 L" x' f/ Z" q0 t) y% [Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.% O" G- f1 {5 \
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.
* Z6 x( t, ~* J( q6 f' i$ r7 ] Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
0 N) I( r. m  d# }The same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.
1 x- ]3 h5 N# a) Y! {) _8 E7 `Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.: |0 R4 H! ]4 P% u
Summer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
% S- l6 q+ [$ q) [: \) M7 _Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool & M! Z& Q- ^6 a2 E2 Z5 z" H$ g7 z
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence./ ]( h8 E# Z6 a; {
I often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.8 X( d$ m5 c. w7 _0 s3 `7 Q1 \4 Z
The emotion and the carma only is a dream.& B5 X: z. t7 g8 a: C* k1 i
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.
# p% y3 q# ?. A+ n4 ]4 TI want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
) X6 Q: C! y: ~" M/ _1 X( ~I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild., w2 O3 R$ S, s  f$ z( x/ w" ^
In this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?% s7 n! m" {. s  r+ e6 ^" N2 Q
Intoxicated then feel cold,
: h. E. t7 Q* V) z3 Athe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.  m3 H- R# P+ o( n" j. M8 d
I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.% t; m# x& L6 [6 M3 C/ ]
The amorous man to whom you gave your soul?+ a$ |. U( A/ }
Why I am always hoodwinked!9 F4 G8 X6 X) b# b0 J
I have told myself many times cautiously
. G6 E: X7 Z6 i* J5 A0 }+ udon`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
  c, P7 C8 h2 u6 Z7 LThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.
  j9 C% ~6 r9 p* s% H( T' F4 YWhy can`t I take it easy?" \: x! F5 E0 @! }
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!0 y7 {9 q' M+ P/ k& Z; `1 b
When the quiet night comes8 }* _; Z2 f5 u  X/ k2 L
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.. s+ M/ G* a' n2 _% H% f  e( W
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.' Q4 ?$ z3 H: a0 a7 ^
Yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,- w) G4 m. S- }4 v$ L" f; R# b
light the dark corner in my mind.& m0 @+ s, V) T# U4 c' Z/ l
I feel a bit of cozy.
5 O: k8 @; h3 U/ cThe deep attached to you in a twinkling
. g! A8 n( |8 Z3 V; {maybe is the most light spot in my whole life.
: k  }- v! u6 s3 VI didn`t cherish your appearance at first,, z+ U" @) x! z' b) h& L
but accompanying with the time passed! z5 f4 |7 t! U# A2 _
I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,  i* \$ R9 \8 ]# B
always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.3 |0 n: |0 t: d) H/ n) G9 A2 V
Without asking if you like me or if I like you
6 j8 e  y& p  U# V9 f; y2 f& n" p$ A: Oonly feel gracious for your existing,# Y4 }- v0 n2 [4 w/ X4 l
onlt want to do something for you.8 v8 N  I( O* J9 Q6 _4 O
Every time when you meet me* ^. z; X( V0 @, y( J
the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil," g- u9 f  E+ n0 \$ E3 B& F- \
but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere- n+ ]( g7 {! |3 _+ w8 R: `& L
That live in my heart.
0 n1 I+ I2 l6 gDo you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
4 j; i, V+ w& E1 J% s3 oEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
  |8 Q; |, b4 @4 d0 V- ^make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
5 D+ L3 K! w' ]( d* L' h) t  g/ HThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land
' P! l0 K: ?/ l5 ?1 P2 dsuddenly flurry that all are the love to you.- o" H( ^& S3 T3 `1 J
Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,. e6 l$ T& i, m+ z2 H( k2 J
especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
2 a( v! E( B; PSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy
- G8 `, f! o  C2 `( ~7 }only waiting for you quietly; G1 }! w- B2 b
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
* [( N6 h  F! P& n/ Z2 }I really want to ramble in the small rain with you
5 I, r5 r7 l4 P; R; n3 s, c& T; fand enjoy the rain washing together
, g7 T6 I& B( @* q0 ~+ Hor rush to a film
4 U6 n# z5 {* _% A% Uor listen to a music quietly.4 V6 k5 Z1 m7 E4 y2 H. b
Whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?( e/ X; \9 h- n+ h- r( {# ?
If we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,  O9 c% x8 a, x: q& |! M2 a
smile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".8 o  j/ S2 b  N/ [6 R, G% f
That is enough.
$ N  M( P  ]7 _( dMaybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,# ^: C7 s% c) O4 ?) ?
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
0 s; }& i; ~9 V6 p$ z3 uthe same as my missing.
8 z! t/ S- e* e1 H  g" G4 {+ o3 xIt comes a little bit of verdure.$ o2 ~  X3 s6 i- e) g8 m
If, If some day I can touch your hand, 5 V5 l5 N& Q) d8 Q- L7 H! i
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.) L; J4 F$ c3 S
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
: Y% J3 M9 M7 B/ T( p7 d, EI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.$ w, f$ k; \( c
At the moment you reach out your hands to me ,
$ j. w9 j8 e# Jthen I will have all care and ardor.
2 e6 k9 e; S" C3 B+ q8 p2 ]Shall we walk arm in arm?* @8 }' A5 i0 J3 @0 m# R
呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
( y- H& U; o4 M$ L7 V" y4 e2 M9 K8 nLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
/ O& q, ~$ c" b! Z& Z- `I am still the same person of yesterday.
/ b/ o; t: p* R# E" }3 g  {" lUnchanged name, unchanged I.
! D; d5 {- f; hSame messy hair, same shaggy bag.   l  [1 s. t$ {/ ~
Laugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.! M0 N, Z, h+ q4 F
More or less,
' x: @, i& E8 }+ {9 n# B! }$ S# _ a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.
! w1 ^; Q6 |  |% e# v2 c" N, H
) v' V' i) N, X$ @6 ~6 [& _1 E7 Z0 TSummer easily slips away
$ {5 Q* }* U* `( T- @& ?7 _; d- zThose long lost hot nights
+ _" I" N5 A  ]1 v can only be found in the old days.
6 z' Q5 \( N; b
# }( y5 w+ G: E. o* i) c! m# R  l1 mCats jumping over the window sills,
0 N& B- ?) N: [$ `% y7 h/ U* achasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 . H' D: E1 b5 _7 D4 z
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.6 O- S* U1 Y$ V8 ]1 S$ s% F% C
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.6 G3 O' C. T: z4 t8 }, n
I am still the same person of yesterday.
6 @7 k7 I7 l) KUnchanged name, unchange ...
% _7 L/ f$ @8 ?* g; t2 D& B4 _
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表   k$ i8 B* U2 l2 n4 C
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
3 {0 w) G8 g5 S2 ?; V' |2 DLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
) y0 X0 T- d0 Y# ~" R, v! ?I am still the same person of yesterday.! H% q& W* q# ?2 E/ |# n9 D
Unchanged name, unchange ...

5 K( t& K" M0 W' m. J: A4 B' N1 Ri like it.
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