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<慢慢地想起你>的试译

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鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
发表于 2008-1-30 21:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
有人发起了翻译竞赛,重在参与.想和大家磋商,所以先抛砖引玉,把一个不成熟的翻译先贴出来,过几天也许还改一改.翻译有意译和直译,由于不太懂英文的诗歌写作,又想保留原文意思,所以就直译了,8 ?$ A8 Q( `  V
,.清晨,急匆匆的走过安静的街道。Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.  $ y& M; j4 N" i% T' F. X' C
零星树叶的飘落,松鼠开始了忙碌。Partial leaves fall down everywhere, squirrels are busily running . " a" ~9 ^+ T1 P
现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.6 z' V% I6 Q# A$ V% W; n
梳相同的发型,背同样的背囊,不苟言笑。The same hairstyle, the same bag, reserved laughing and talking.
- x8 s* l. v0 F5 H( ~" a眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.
/ \  @  T5 P9 U$ J! E夏天过得那麽快,我几乎遗忘了那些个汗津津的夜晚。Summer went so fast, I almost forgot those sweating night.$ u; `3 D' ?2 }# ?- g' W
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.
5 x; E; y7 K6 x9 h; i# I. @  j就像多年以前的我们,似乎也是如此天真的肆无忌惮。Like us many years ago, mindless self indulgence.1 m& `) c. E; k
我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
: |% A" k! P5 d8 p2 W那些在最烦躁时想起也会微笑的人们。" \8 C! i: v) b/ Y2 U+ b
世情缘无非是梦 The emotion and the carma only is a dream." d2 G: L, L, x2 C
昨夜温存不该的相逢 That shouldn`t happen to meet each other last tenderly night.
" h, P) p; x  ^# z" ]想要忘记又不忍放弃 I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
4 y3 c/ h: b) C2 e' h最怕爱上像你这样冷漠又温柔的人I am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild. . Y9 }& n- d0 c1 ^  J4 [3 [1 l
寂寞世界谁来靠近 In this lonely world whom I can step inside love?
) L4 y, C( v; y6 u% K醉过之後身边冷清清intoxicated then feel cold." q. }# f( S2 K2 a$ ~; w0 Q6 {
迷路的心没方向的云The labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.  Y$ \& k: t# J
最怕拥有这样似有若无的感情I am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.. ~7 I! H! Y: w
多情人都把灵魂给了谁 The amorous men to whom you gave your soul?: ?. Z3 m7 Q! T" M; _0 I; g5 B
Why I am always hoodwinked!为何眼楮总是蒙了灰'     ….( B0 ?! j4 ~- r' h" d. x% J
多少次小心翼翼告诉自己I have told to myself many times cautiously
; N) `2 K% L  ^不要坠入痴情的轮回 Don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.9 p' U' F  T. o8 l) a! B/ ]
多情人总让伤给灌醉The amorous women always get drunk by desolation,
3 _  A7 [6 _; L0 k1 c) U为何潇洒一点都不会Why can`t I take it easy?$ f: s/ \/ Q" O! b
多少爱恩恩怨怨换来今生How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
6 A: E# F6 I# H. z永难平息的泪9 S1 w/ Z' o, o. `% P4 e( S! P7 F% t
每当夜深人静时,When the quiet night comes' i9 ?1 ^( t* |
~我的眼前常常会泛起你的身影。Your figure usually appears in front of my eyes., T6 t5 @( Q0 a( M3 Y, }
当你看到我时的那一声问候The greeting when you met me mad my heart in touched unaccountably.% X2 `/ S1 Z  i# z- ]
让我的心里感到一种莫名的心动,' n3 v/ @% w" ?% R" `' Y+ h8 C
你的yours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul
; E- _5 N  |6 z& w9 {一抹微笑;
; _$ \0 d4 m! v1 |4 t一个手势;/ e' a( U* i) I" O
一片话语,
; j/ T5 Y! a% I6 O愉悦著此时我惆怅的心灵、: L, F& `7 D6 u' O6 o
明亮著我漆黑的角落,The moon lights the dark corner
0 d, [5 e4 S" e/ C7 G8 j# g1 Y3 H心里总能感觉到点点温馨。I feel a bit of cozy.
4 B4 u5 p, w4 I% u+ |这一瞬的爱恋,The deeply attached to you in a twinkling4 D2 i' X: E' d4 @! {5 f
也许是一生一世的最亮点。maybe is the most light spot in my whole life..  M& H* O! v- c3 M: |8 ^% y. h8 T
起初,对你的出现,I didn`t cherish your appearance at first," v4 T2 V) \; q$ _2 S$ D
我并不以为然。$ u! C% p0 B5 L6 ]9 h
可随著时间的流失,but accompanying with the time passed 1 y& }. \. m+ Y* z4 M3 M' e
慢慢的不知不觉中,I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion .
5 [/ @) o  U( n9 `被一种情绪所左右,
+ x& }* M( }0 D8 P/ E总感到一种难 以名状的朦胧的喜悦。 always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly .
2 z* P9 g2 ^- n7 `即不问你是否喜欢我,Without asking you if you like me and if I like you
7 V  b( F2 \9 `, N1 U# Q也不问我是否喜欢你,
, |7 i  W- T  R3 a- N9 s对你的存在只感到亲切,only feel gracious for your existing.
% C  ~* d: f, ]8 g( m/ \0 j只希望能为你做点什麽。 only want to do something for you" b! O3 a) b! M
3每次有意无意的遇到你,every time when I meet you
9 r) d3 B. I5 I" x  L心中都泛起丝丝柔柔的喜悦。The sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil) B) J+ [3 `2 H7 R
然而我真真切切地知道,but I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere ! y" \' E" n  K$ |9 E' m
你的身影已化成一种氛围,5 d; ^5 b8 u5 z/ f
记在我的心间。That lives in my heart.( k( t- _2 [% K3 [+ L
你知道吗?Do you know your name can suddenly come into my mind at anytime!
9 C2 s# V& G$ `* O( v随时随地我的脑海里会突然涌现你的名字3 R/ y4 ~: H; i, F
哪怕你某个转身时飞扬的衣角even only your flying clothes corner when you turn aroud,- y: G% }! T+ c# A  P6 L
一种声音,and your voice  T0 \& f& ^- A: @" a" ]
也让我柔柔的有了心痛make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
3 K0 b: I, `( y. V$ G# {" j* R& s掺杂著幸福的感觉。
& k8 G8 e! Z- r' [. z& |2 Q# Q2 F与你相识的那一幕幕,the scene that meet and know you prinkle in my heart like the snow on the land- [2 a* K- k# t
象雪花般撒落在我的心田,
! Y( g7 k6 P8 H; W5 x) j倾刻间,suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.) P8 ^3 N; W, R& W' u' d4 p9 \  Q
纷纷扬扬开来──全部都是对你的爱恋。
% V  {, W3 o4 L% Y- O你知道吗?Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss7 R5 \: k* ~( z+ V2 n( h& j4 P
有一个能够让思念的人,; @/ x7 n$ b5 o: g/ p, {7 f
其实也是一种幸福。
( ^' Q0 T6 X3 d, \; l尤其是在这样的日子,especially on the day, the gentle sea wind and the sweet summer.
2 ]) p& s4 Z. ?0 A柔柔的海风,! V% N- N! }+ W2 Z7 o. u! @
甜甜的夏天。
- X. E, ^7 S% X1 e8 Y; c一扫那一缕如烟如缈的忧郁,Sweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy . E# m' U3 J9 o* G
只是静静地等待你的身影,only waiting for you quietly.# l7 A# T7 O* k' p3 t1 @9 N3 g
仅仅让你知道有那麽一个人,Just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
' D- B5 E) ?- z' c* L想和你有共同的情结,
/ ?1 A  B3 R/ V8 p. I2 {共同的心愿。
" {+ F& Y* l7 C. K* R1 {) x3 L* K3 k# j# A- i0 i! ?; m

1 C/ o6 o( ?6 e% F好想与你在细雨中漫步,I really want to ramble in the small rain with you2 S! j/ Y$ E# ]6 `: C
一同感受著春雨的洒脱,and to enjoy the rain washing together
4 _1 p" L) g3 W. b, j8 L9 p或是赶著看一场电影;or rush to a film - i" o$ f" \# B5 R. b6 C, z
或是静静地聆听一首曲子,or listen to a music quietly.+ i5 s  U* w) x* n; m8 y( t; ^* Z
『多情人都把灵魂给了谁』whom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
2 k" f  @; I0 E# ?( T. ^我们相拥旋舞,然後双目相视。We embrace and dance and then gaze to each other, - o/ r. t/ S* ]) D0 n! j9 Z- d
浅浅一笑,smile or gently kiss then say “ I really love you”! O6 f) [1 c/ O- a% P
或是轻轻的一吻,
4 S$ q! I. V: G9 P6 m5 y7 @再对你说∶『我真的好喜欢你』
, ^! `1 H( N5 I7 r2 k4 O  @就足够了. That is enough.8 ?6 M5 v  k) E3 p. k' y0 j
这也许是千年前就悄悄播下的种子,Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago! / Z) U6 P$ ~# Y- O5 n* ~
终於在这漫长的季节里深深地植下了根,finely it deeply rooted into the earth in this season and sprout.
# I9 v5 C" R3 Z( M8 H) e8 a# C# @萌出了芽,
5 p( t( }& H* Q; Y一如对你的思念,the same as my missing% f* m1 L0 S+ j( X$ c4 A
浅浅地泛著那一点点新绿。It comes a little bit of verdure.: O4 |& z2 W" m6 v+ D" i% U
如果,如果有一天,If , if some day I can touch of your hand4 H0 \" _1 L6 S2 ?7 f+ `
能够牵著你的手,
+ T( `/ o# s' T. t" O' r那麽,我愿把全部的眷恋都放到你手心里,then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.+ D0 v0 Z; u5 Y! C8 H
让你细细地触摸,Let you touch me slowly and read me carefully.
$ h; y: N" ~6 {5 U慢慢地细读,
% I) Q8 V/ L- S我将用整个心去感觉你手里脉脉的温柔。I will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul.
6 b8 Z5 E# Z* K2 W9 w* Z在你对我伸出手的那一瞬,At the moment you reach out your hands to me 0 O" _/ I+ b& M3 F/ A/ A
我就拥有了世界上所有的关怀与热忱,then I will have all care and ardor , t( k9 P6 ^4 w2 F6 r/ o  M$ z8 S
就让我牵一次你的手,好吗?Let us walk arm in arm , OK?
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-1-31 23:18 | 显示全部楼层
有几个地方要纠正一下:
* `+ x7 Z4 J1 [3 O现在的我,一如一年前的那个我。同名同姓。The current I, the same as one year, the same given name , and the same family name.改为:as one year ago0 x- R, o2 R0 e, Z7 L
眉眼间却似乎多了什麽,又少了什麽。Seemingly added something in my eyes, or lack something.4 N! H* l8 C- \
change to:lacked' j/ t$ e6 T  A* B( c) _
猫儿们在炎热的时候常常彻夜在窗外乘凉,追逐打闹。Cats were often playing the whole hot night outside windows to get cool.# f# T; m% ^% @9 Z1 y  ~: u
Cats often played at the whole hot night.
0 e: w# K5 Y/ O  j) g* {$ o  r. n4 K 我常常在入秋的时候怀念夏天,I often cherish the memory of the summer  and those people that make me riant even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming以及
& T- s6 J- r9 t7 @. D改为:I often cherish the memory happened in summer.
% C* ^. l- c. R' L% n* Z& WI will enjoy your mild emotion though your hands with my heart and soul. 1 k& R; M# G1 \1 P8 M$ w9 ^
该为:throughyour hands.
2 m7 Q7 H0 Z$ L. z  E+ _还没检查完,下一次再改.
鲜花(634) 鸡蛋(5)
发表于 2008-1-31 23:51 | 显示全部楼层
挺好!就是我觉得斑竹选的这个题目不太好
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(35) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-2-1 00:06 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
太直。意境没有了。
: J! M& g9 n& Q不过,LZ精神可嘉。也说是是试译。还是佩服。3 [$ [4 E& N0 W' [$ z4 I$ r
至少比我强。
9 @7 o) `) n: Z7 z4 ^, N偶是没有水平中译英嘀。指手划脚是最容易嘀.... & t: y* q( {1 Q& ~
2 z: w* A- y" ?% N0 ~7 D# @
这首中文的散文诗在原文的第一段我还喜欢。淡淡的,清新的。5 s# L  b5 i: F( H
后面每段也还好,就是拼在一起太牵强。感觉每段都眼熟。有点腻味了。
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-2 22:00 | 显示全部楼层
我也在考虑怎么能把意境给译出来,那就得意译了,而且还要按照英文诗歌要求.如果是这样,我又担心不是这首原诗了.; O- e+ v( h8 c; |% S2 h$ S
谢谢三思的鲜花.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:26 | 显示全部楼层
每当说一句汉语的时候,我总在心里想英语是怎么说的.尤其看到汉语诗歌的时候,我突然想,翻译成英语还能保留原来的意思吗?所以试着译一译.
( k/ N' z( x8 B" G. ?" r前边发了译文以后才发现有些大小写和语法错误.一点一点地改,很乱.所以再重新发一便:" f0 u3 K' P4 x" r3 [
Early morning I am walking by the quiet street in a hurry.. W) W9 K( o6 a! Z0 G- m  N+ A
Partial leaves fall down everywhere,squirrels are busily running.2 z3 C$ V. z) H6 O  F, f+ D
Current I, the same as one tear ago, the same given name, and the same family name.
6 c% B  Z  r9 W# h9 n" D" JThe same hairstyle,the same bag,reserved laughing and talking.7 ^( c" X: J# T$ q% D* n5 M5 ~
Seemly added something in my eyes,or lacked something.
3 O/ m+ d! H/ }$ O. _" n# |0 ASummer went so fast that I almost forgot those sweating night:
5 J! s1 U0 s' r# m& _Cats often played at the whole hot night outside windows to get cool " {$ k. F! ^. L1 O
like us many years ago,mindless self indulgence.
: Z; D' N$ @1 Z. v- u- GI often cherish the memory happened in summer and those people that make me  raint even I am in a very bad state of mind when the autumn is coming.
" [  j9 ]1 t0 X  hThe emotion and the carma only is a dream.! F/ V" Y- q# Y+ B# `$ x9 ?
That shoudn`t happen to meet each other last tenderlt night.( A$ y/ E1 U% M3 H+ a( i
I want to forget it but can`t bear to give it up.
& W/ a0 o' c2 f  o' V& cI am afraid of loving the person like you who is inhospitality and also mild.
+ D: u4 l2 M5 O) mIn this lonely world whom I can step inside love to?
$ K) C* L& v8 \, f6 TIntoxicated then feel cold,
" a! t& }" j9 k8 z: gthe labyrinthine heart is like the cloud with no direction.
! f$ d! s# w7 y! UI am afraid of most having the emotion that seems to have but not really have.
& f# J1 n- \* p9 B8 CThe amorous man to whom you gave your soul?
( B2 G: T. G4 u! @$ L* _Why I am always hoodwinked!5 b( N# v+ d+ l& ^
I have told myself many times cautiously 6 v+ g$ H# O4 I
don`t fall into the spoony whirligig.
& ~- ^, C3 W$ hThe amorous women always get drunk by desolation.! q: t1 N5 K9 S8 y5 |1 H
Why can`t I take it easy?6 j6 J) j1 E6 U; D9 g
How endless tears that got in return for kindness and enmity!
2 P! {& p- h3 f1 X* zWhen the quiet night comes: c# ?' }( |% ~) O
your figure usually appears in front of my eyes.1 N# B) ~6 V  }6 S
The greeting when you met me made my heart in touched unaccountably.
3 I# [3 [: ~' Z4 TYours of a smile, a gesture and a piece of words genialize my current disconsolate heart and soul,
& X7 U6 |$ W) C) F0 h) glight the dark corner in my mind.. o! l8 e# D5 O' C
I feel a bit of cozy.3 C9 W/ e3 O) U4 G* B; G8 h; Z
The deep attached to you in a twinkling2 L. d# N$ p" I; a
maybe is the most light spot in my whole life., B/ ]/ d( Y2 b* h
I didn`t cherish your appearance at first,  b! E# M7 e4 I& ]$ @0 L" f. K
but accompanying with the time passed
; [/ ~& {9 X0 \" `I am bounded slowly and unconsciously by the emotion,
$ H$ Q3 I  k. S4 F+ u. t5 i5 e9 {always feel joyful indistinctly and nondescriptly.
# y- r* r; a4 }/ tWithout asking if you like me or if I like you
( j; t4 A8 F  i" @only feel gracious for your existing,- `4 `' H; w; j
onlt want to do something for you.7 W* m4 d, @9 I" X; |" \+ L
Every time when you meet me
: @, A# V9 J" [the sweet joyous heart isn`t tranquil,
2 M* n4 B+ g5 u+ ?8 qbut I really know your figure only become a kind of atmosphere
1 I1 P6 J4 ^6 O5 Y8 [# NThat live in my heart.5 {1 k6 J9 s; b, M- ?4 p+ \0 B
Do you know your name can suddenly come into mu mind at anytime?
! [) }/ f4 r, P  J6 i( IEven only your flying clothes` corner when you turn around, and your voice
! Y& o% {2 V$ \make me gently distraught with happy feeling.
" @) u9 W. R1 c, XThe scene that met you prinkle in my heart like snow on the land7 @, a. i3 ^- Q; `. P' H$ E; t
suddenly flurry that all are the love to you.
# o- j6 Q1 U/ f% T) o) G9 ~7 \Do you know that is happy there is a person who is worth to miss,
# P2 a' s* Q/ ^; v  \especially on the day, the gentle sea breeze and the sweet summer.
; N$ ?" H1 F5 l+ MSweeping out the smoke and indistinct gloomy   M: n7 c0 }& h
only waiting for you quietly2 }5 ~, I- S: i5 s+ P
just let you know that there is a person who wants to have the same love knot and the desire as you do.
2 u, e6 H# ~& u# _, x7 w0 zI really want to ramble in the small rain with you
. g- F. f# P8 q% K: Pand enjoy the rain washing together6 q4 b$ |* O7 j3 \
or rush to a film
& x2 [1 `0 K! E, Z/ q, i$ Nor listen to a music quietly.
# c0 U2 t) w. A6 L! U. b% J2 o: f) V& ZWhom did you the amorous person give your soul to ?
9 ]) X4 a/ Z, L7 I) k0 F% z4 n$ ~, NIf we embrace ,dance,and gaze to each other,
9 W0 t/ I0 }% usmile or gently kiss then say: I really love you".3 Y6 f& `& B7 H8 O$ r; }( b% a
That is enough.1 V: j" T% P3 c* C5 A! l0 _1 g
Maybe this is the seed that planted a thousand years ago,& U$ C2 v+ [& N' b4 g. d' h& D% f
finely it deeply rooted into the earth in the season and sprout,
' B; X- v3 I# g' o8 B' Z$ {  H/ A9 Lthe same as my missing.
2 g5 U( ~  }, X1 NIt comes a little bit of verdure.
& c; C+ F. q4 rIf, If some day I can touch your hand, & X0 ?* d9 ?' i& }: M
then I will put all my attachment on your hands/I will be sentimentally attached to you completely.' Y, N, W- D, p0 X. a4 G7 P2 j  r
Let you touch me gently and read me carefully.
2 O2 d4 N$ d9 l( l2 }8 G5 NI will enjoy your mild emotion through your hands with my heart and soul.
8 p# A0 a6 o+ x1 t& RAt the moment you reach out your hands to me ,* R6 J1 |# B5 S( ?: u' ~! M4 q
then I will have all care and ardor.
% R: ?% V0 e! nShall we walk arm in arm?
  F, z* D6 Y( E$ X; b7 G) F呵,太晚了,连检查都不想检查一下,有没有打字错误了.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 00:28 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
费了这么多时间,希望能被加精.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-3 19:46 | 显示全部楼层
很想看一看其他朋友的翻译,学习学习,提高自己的英文水平.
鲜花(16) 鸡蛋(2)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-2-4 22:43 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢加精!
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发表于 2008-2-5 15:28 | 显示全部楼层

I like your poem, here comes mine.

老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.
# z( K3 x7 Z' L  P( l$ RLeaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.1 |* m' {; d2 X9 t
I am still the same person of yesterday.1 X) ]0 S5 z" E5 Y5 k' Y! W
Unchanged name, unchanged I.
8 B" z; j4 S! V: Q9 \! ISame messy hair, same shaggy bag.
  ]5 K/ f. e8 R7 M; u: S" ULaugh in the same laugh, talk in the same talk.
5 n1 {$ e0 ~# h' m5 ]More or less,# K! r7 H/ V# e+ v
a different glimpse sparkled in my eyes.+ \! c) j5 I( J3 {8 C

# ]* s: z5 M0 L2 P6 n& ^Summer easily slips away
- M) S- @8 P6 P' p, K7 p7 AThose long lost hot nights+ ~0 F  T& S- X+ W& R! k% Y+ G. w5 Y
can only be found in the old days.
+ F' [# q& U. Q% E7 w8 ^( K  |
" M% G$ Z: a) }$ l4 jCats jumping over the window sills, 6 H& W1 @1 K& Q
chasing around in the breeziness.
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发表于 2008-2-5 16:15 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表 6 j2 c5 v/ h3 `9 d
Glittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.5 R* e- ^; f3 t8 z  |
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
; Q# v7 Y/ T# a. Y& `) B5 hI am still the same person of yesterday.
, @* p3 v7 W( }4 T+ tUnchanged name, unchange ...

6 }. J& _8 l' t1 W1 W) D
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发表于 2008-2-5 23:12 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 Matrix 于 2008-2-5 15:28 发表
2 h% ]' {8 q' p5 aGlittering over the quite avenue when it appears first light.+ H* o- [1 e) ]% D7 K3 R: O1 W4 i) r6 F
Leaves floating down to the ground; little squirrels bustling around.
  I3 ~6 w- E! M$ K$ UI am still the same person of yesterday.
' l% |; A' K' `! d; g" \$ F6 F/ M9 z/ CUnchanged name, unchange ...
( @5 |2 J2 d: [
i like it.
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