我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
6 S8 V2 @, ?) U& m" h7 t% v3 z
I fell in love with you
0 g2 v$ g! K9 x/ f8 ?( pAt the first week we met
* E& C& `+ r+ g: ?, D
You have charm, you have looks
. N/ A2 E% p9 B5 g* e. ?with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

( z( A1 B9 B/ f" G$ z2 YYour lip is so big
# Q) [0 g1 K- Q, I' dAnd that’s good for a kiss
" y, a) w/ F6 C, a: e( g$ ]Your body is chubby
( z+ i9 j2 l: S# FAnd that is good for sex

# w* A" W1 l3 ZI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
/ D2 S: M: p# v5 f) t# p3 ~0 k
& L% O' q% V! S7 oYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
# I4 i0 S. O8 c. t3 ^/ C& pI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
  v  W7 d1 n! j3 b3 o2 Z
! V' l3 a, R+ S6 N1 y# q) ^I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
- i( V) n, R- z9 h
you are deeply in love
5 d! _; Q# l) D3 nEverything from me is negative
2 `, @7 o5 a" @$ P: f"My man should be like this,
+ m# S4 L1 C4 e% B# tand I am helping you to improve'
# ^9 Z1 B" i3 q0 r" n3 l- D" \% H
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
" G( r+ y" N  a2 l: fMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

! N7 k& h; {) ?2 Cunfortunalety not my heart
( }) \2 Y1 z+ A; d4 x9 a, i/ BIt is slashed by you
$ B# M& ~6 D- ?. `* D; {! e4 vand I am seriously hurt
3 J8 l* P6 b3 Y$ `! C
8 \7 R$ I. T7 B7 o0 v! CI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 I1 i, \) D7 D; T% G2 s: Smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 c. C+ |* E$ \- {
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
( l8 e# `" k6 o7 \3 B# S7 g
with the charm,
6 ]/ M! z. q* }8 y' F" g: \" Kwith the simles.
9 r9 w- P' l5 e5 dI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
+ f& W6 H" F0 A0 O- s2 L, M. g8 ~
1 ~9 F8 i0 e, h. y5 B  e: Z4 }Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
8 ~% G8 ]: B8 gAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
# n; U2 H6 b" L) v
I am deeply in love
4 ]. a) F4 h: _& k/ o, G, T$ K/ W+ REverything from you is so charming
- E6 H2 k$ W$ V/ i  oalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
- Z( @! P+ p7 P+ KBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
- v! j, ~+ {; u) p' e  a+ L6 i" Z3 \" a4 f
- i, D* I- r9 j, `0 d
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
. e9 i% S6 E- e. _' UHis hand would be hers to hold forever
* O8 H" _8 A  D' ^$ SHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
2 m: B" w( Y2 a, k7 K! C8 }She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
) [" w- u4 }4 T/ c* L# \
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
# \1 F3 ]/ m: t: w* L9 pwhen I was with you
1 ]5 Y$ e, p' D( @( |* _My heart beat so fast
4 o4 H" r2 G. J- j% a$ b8 LI looked at you and thought
4 X& s+ E- {1 Z7 d2 T  EHoly Jesus, you were so cute

/ A6 I' w" y$ K$ }( q7 BYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
' [5 ~% V3 G" v6 C/ o, ?& z" bMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
) `% B- v7 F5 Z: F9 b4 `& S/ PYou are the right one I wait
5 J- Y; ~! b& rIn the depth of my soul
# V  w: }( I: tI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
6 r: H4 c# Q) O- k. _5 e3 V阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
/ ?8 D" v/ _" a- A你让我脸发热
# }/ a  P. u4 V9 X. y0 l/ h/ x我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

9 O6 Z+ q) O1 U& M) z" J% D8 D如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
: Y) }' b/ J+ `+ P8 N至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
3 T! A5 I0 k( a, o- p闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 n7 p9 ~. p1 C* _; b你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% J: l9 n7 b; }- s+ ^就和用中文写一次
& F) p1 ]# T1 j6 F* o9 y阿,我爱你
; f, a; m2 J9 O; V你让我心跳好快
7 G6 K9 D9 c7 K你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
# p2 V' W& H- \" `2 L3 n5 [! f, t0 M1 IXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
$ i% j! I+ V) e" i- K/ R

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。