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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
( s; i& Y9 m/ W. ~2 q* G# E( D- ^# D& f* i! V. n
I fell in love with you + z. i. Z4 N( _
At the first week we met: l& @- K  H, P( p# G9 c8 \
( U* r! I0 Y; `. l+ V) l8 ~1 u* U. f
You have charm, you have looks" k! y0 I8 o4 S4 e* x6 q2 V$ O
with full of pimples in face  z. f& X% A! ~$ E5 k# Y0 V0 V
As spotting sky at a summer night
: [' {, [2 K$ Y) @- ?They are shining stars
- L( R$ s* F" O2 E! {9 j" }# Z, E
Your lip is so big6 ^; Q5 N: n8 M, h5 c
And that’s good for a kiss
' ]) |1 L) k; N1 M3 ZYour body is chubby
9 J! H& x4 P" ^6 d, xAnd that is good for sex. w: j' w2 ^( l7 E
' S& `" T+ U$ n: z+ q1 V
I was deeply in love' S9 n6 a6 ~4 `. Z! y2 ]9 Q
Everything from you is positive0 ^/ e% u. q) y4 @. z9 D9 O! _
You blame me everything and everyday
0 g. n4 K/ w4 S$ Y# l3 [And I think all girls sound like
* U! A  r" s% `. b, ?5 ?/ C& o: r5 C: }5 Y' S: C7 v4 P0 d% y6 L
You could not stand my eating" m+ f4 f) C- d4 N9 H$ V
Saying no good for making funny sound
' E+ g( q; d9 g# yI think you are perfectly right) e6 [1 @4 ?) g
Eating with sound is a pig& e2 ^- E4 W( A; E, O/ D& _& O# j

, Z( M5 z) [( T. xI fell in love with you ! r5 d. q% [; d, M- m( Q
Become a fool to think
- T: K! i3 I5 B: VAll trouble things you did8 T/ t; [, [# t0 `/ e
And that is the price for love9 ^. }9 v0 d- f0 A# m8 x

: Z. F; m9 l5 w, j6 dyou are deeply in love
* S4 X7 P) U" u4 g/ J( B1 q; xEverything from me is negative
; t: ?. h  Y: W  z2 O- l. j"My man should be like this,  ]. r  v5 u0 o) D* X, D. Y! A% A$ t
and I am helping you to improve'& B1 e) Y1 `' {8 x# l  r. q
2 m9 e2 ~6 w( N
You are loving me 4 F# I% b3 W) ~
or that one in your mind?
) A5 w+ @) K7 p5 |. n4 m4 E# PMy mind is like a mud* N( I. ~: g5 v0 e9 _0 U/ d/ u5 W( `
can be shaped whatever you want
8 o0 ^3 v0 m' g1 z1 n7 k! p
* ^7 {( S7 a" wunfortunalety not my heart# D2 }2 w% f0 \0 C4 W- Q# E+ L* }
It is slashed by you
4 U7 h7 C. w) p2 z' \8 land I am seriously hurt# w! f/ n  F- l* ]# z8 Z0 U
* @. `+ C/ U+ b% G0 G
I will never love another 9 h; ?3 R% m' Y( {9 v7 W
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 % q7 C2 v$ i/ C  C
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!5 s: U$ x0 i3 A5 @% u' B3 b
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 4 l! `6 g& @: f/ J  G' F& d' Y% d
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.0 B% r0 |6 ]8 E( S
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed+ w9 B) i+ p4 u; h
2 B- l1 f* b4 c. c* z
with the charm,
% p) v4 T) [/ d0 W/ awith the simles.
. c: l5 s/ f0 I: U9 `I fell in love with you
4 L% U1 s5 f( YIn the first sign.& k( }: o" U* x& R
As spotting sky at a summer
5 K3 b; a. i$ T: V2 {+ I0 S( O) h- ]4 d1 B! \8 g
Your lip is so soft ' e: O& w& ~- ?2 [4 r- g# Y5 J3 N
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
$ |( _: f6 y6 k+ `Your body is so sexy# W- [3 ~- a; K; E: e; [' u, h
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
3 j# s( a, P( p2 W3 W% Y7 P; Z0 S& Z9 d- P
I am deeply in love- S1 `: {: Y( \" L! |
Everything from you is so charming' ]/ w. S$ R/ S! B$ ^: a+ e
although You r so picky for me
5 H- n6 M, K1 |% a0 L" yAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.+ `5 n# D( q' z! ?
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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1 ~- d( M: @3 L- r# G5 b8 U" ]# RHis hello is the end of her endings7 w4 S$ |- `8 w
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
5 \- F( U2 H( \% M; z6 XHis hand would be hers to hold forever$ v% i( H* ^1 w+ I7 S) @/ B
His forever is simply as her smile " M8 B" T& c. s+ n/ D+ U
He said she was what was missing/ l  a( t& X  H& T* \+ ^2 K
She said instantly she knew' m) r' K. _$ e% O* m
She was a question to be answered
& ^2 e. q9 }* K! k! W5 a  mAnd his answer is 2 |0 ?" S# X4 |# ]& K
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas; O6 ]. a. h; M3 u& Y- |$ V
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt! p; `4 z2 D8 x. N# Y: m  D# Y

1 |$ g$ O* k; u7 ~/ c  I* _, lIt's amazing how I felt
: ]- c* ?+ A% c3 Y& y7 rwhen I was with you
5 W2 M5 _/ l4 v; n$ }1 N9 ?My heart beat so fast8 R% l* j  o# N6 Q3 f5 v' _8 ^
I looked at you and thought/ O  q+ S, U7 ~5 I  c( H$ p
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
$ P. L$ R6 t) B& i! e; e$ j. R' q: }: p3 F! ?/ p" P7 `
You left me without a word
. L# ]: a- A5 q; o7 H6 Q4 Q% n; [I have nothing except my emptiness
! S. _/ P" I/ R" dMy mood is like a cloud6 s3 B* B& L, w$ n# p& |/ ^  M
How could it be dispersed?
7 ?7 l, U8 R! a  Q4 C8 D1 e& c' W' f! j4 o+ N
Feelings bite my heart 6 Q! d4 V) |, Y6 r5 M' m
You are the right one I wait
/ P1 }1 o0 H$ R% w& w5 JIn the depth of my soul- M$ E+ v  m' @7 A5 _& f
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美9 S- ?( }3 e1 {7 d; g0 A8 U3 J% }! c
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道' y  E" R7 H" U2 U, w  _
就和用中文写一次2 b. `+ U/ k% {" F0 T: N- C5 ]( R% u
阿,我爱你
3 h/ J/ S( G! X你让我心跳好快
3 _* ~/ ]8 O7 O8 r3 r# K( `你让我脸发热0 z8 Q% G. G7 ~" g8 N7 c, g5 _
我爱上你的大嘴唇! O( _9 m- [9 d
XXXXX3 W' [1 [+ \! H3 M4 s- s! V
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?- e3 X6 m. d$ e# x
/ M* r8 U- B0 P+ E) X& m4 b
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER# ^' y  G& J8 i, p1 Y
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 " d# H$ h. W, ^, I" O/ h
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: }) ]% H' F  J- S你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 H2 _7 ]7 j( l就和用中文写一次
- d' }9 s# Y! h9 E0 R8 L3 W阿,我爱你( t( Y: X# `) _0 }* q
你让我心跳好快0 v. _4 n9 l  s0 [1 t
你让我脸发热& m, M/ S; y1 \8 A2 g. ^" d
我爱上你的大嘴唇
( t7 k5 I9 s# mXXXXX
9 X8 `  L  m" h不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

# O" Z2 E1 ?3 F, W' Z4 C0 Y, @- q
, T+ l, m1 s5 o# I' _* ]靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.8 F+ w: R: A1 A7 c2 A8 x  f5 Q# K
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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