我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
7 R1 [! K# Q, K1 I
0 c& \7 T2 R1 eI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
; d% O. I' |$ @) c& D
. y' T# P$ X0 {) t* O- l; [You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
- s# z9 ?6 v. }4 y0 DAs spotting sky at a summer night
, ^2 G% p9 T( ^. m7 J. _They are shining stars
7 l: T% n/ f# c& J
# h5 M2 \4 {: K$ O5 j9 D4 N9 O6 aYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
8 r* i9 m5 X4 h5 {* A5 j# Q/ lYour body is chubby
; w  I* d$ D" l; ^! T6 S  Z& [And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
, }& D4 s" V, T! @0 ]4 ^Everything from you is positive
5 W! ^$ P+ |8 m. ~7 S: \$ h' OYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
5 S$ ^  J1 e, O
You could not stand my eating
% W# \/ p' i* F  t. DSaying no good for making funny sound
) j8 [$ b$ G( G# B# M6 a8 n- o, uI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
+ `- V! p, R9 O: |  f2 \All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
5 b1 U: K* D, ^9 n* R1 n: \
unfortunalety not my heart
# @* x0 F* O7 EIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
4 a* \* L5 h& E# O
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
4 F: L9 ]; r* [, ~. ?, \3 tmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
6 n( `2 ?" C4 u0 O! Q9 [  k2 _, V不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
5 C' m- N* P$ v% G& v7 i6 ii am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

- l. L" d6 O; J4 wwith the charm,
: R6 S7 `5 a: H9 P5 X* u. swith the simles.
# _# l+ t- ^% {& w' zI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
# r+ V+ c/ @# S, I$ T( zAs spotting sky at a summer

8 U$ W7 U0 l* J. U$ OYour lip is so soft
2 k5 [* ^$ R5 C; N, O/ ?there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
, ]- p7 V/ i( W  O* AYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

! o* Q6 d  e3 X# Q8 R# @I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
9 Y: q0 J- ?. walthough You r so picky for me
% t) d, f, r' M$ d. E1 IAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

8 r5 U5 K1 {7 P1 E. u( T4 f
His hello is the end of her endings
2 ]  O3 N- a8 Q8 D+ F0 e$ v% PHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
  E6 G$ s" w1 ~- ^* x. r' HHis forever is simply as her smile
2 @1 R: ]6 `& I7 e, P* dHe said she was what was missing
! x$ U( _! A! u7 ]She said instantly she knew
& [: }9 X* T' |She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

3 i/ L$ B% a9 p& ^Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
0 n- N1 J/ e) x6 g9 \; G* g
It's amazing how I felt
% l" U$ E" m, u- gwhen I was with you
* C" U9 F/ n* _  |, C8 X5 q3 `+ EMy heart beat so fast
. o  J' x2 d) y' e# _I looked at you and thought
, J$ e" m* o" ?) f0 c, \Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
' M! i5 j$ f% j% u, A/ AMy mood is like a cloud
, E7 ~; F7 `1 h' R! Q/ H& HHow could it be dispersed?

5 n$ S- ]# t7 m8 H) W, y3 VFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
* W1 I! ~* }+ T) u& NI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
. f7 x6 f& y: c' z就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
8 g/ h# E7 X( |8 D* ]3 ~你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
- Z- `2 ?4 M2 [8 gXXXXX
5 y6 E, j- S0 T2 v" W不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

# ?3 ~# w* r$ a# M( m! |如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 c7 v/ B3 @3 _! J% j' ]至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
1 k% `2 R( N: d你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
) f  s+ ~/ D. @) Z1 IXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

( I5 R/ l+ r, ]2 x9 R6 M
; F9 H4 t3 ^" I" ^靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
8 D1 d+ r( G& w- U) H- @! [

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。