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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
6 x: ~) E8 G* E2 j1 m+ I$ c2 I! y, v
I fell in love with you " @" }: i6 ~9 V9 v8 N
At the first week we met" t0 Q! @1 _6 ?5 b6 W9 O4 o. T

5 t2 r* f, |9 N/ ?" R3 Z9 qYou have charm, you have looks
  d" W. N* W8 \0 Q$ Vwith full of pimples in face
/ m) [! m: |# L# ^, }  K4 v+ ~As spotting sky at a summer night
9 `( r! I; n' E, ?7 `  sThey are shining stars9 A$ H& X$ z7 b* y

$ i% z$ b/ h0 p- o1 B' w* u- I4 WYour lip is so big
( y+ O' x7 k4 k- W1 ZAnd that’s good for a kiss. Q: l! Q7 j% p; l
Your body is chubby
& f* x- F4 A8 h% k' u; s- L* [! OAnd that is good for sex
" C$ I5 m1 U; S0 }0 y. y. _% S" m7 |/ W7 [& N/ H7 U
I was deeply in love
; j( Q* H2 d4 d  A0 PEverything from you is positive$ _4 v6 g- Y- [" b' O* [( a
You blame me everything and everyday' d6 l) T1 T; h$ A/ W; N
And I think all girls sound like# k1 g1 }) h) T0 d" t1 T) [

8 }% b$ d& [; p3 t1 C6 s1 ^You could not stand my eating
7 ~5 v# U5 |+ @, |# e9 p- NSaying no good for making funny sound
, j, p( W* ]3 z# q3 Z+ II think you are perfectly right$ v6 e9 {, w- e1 l5 l, H
Eating with sound is a pig
& J+ `0 L" C7 E- A: U* B' W8 \4 m! q) [" M% b4 ]- U  I5 L
I fell in love with you 5 ?& O! R4 |, K  `4 g
Become a fool to think
# o' I! `% H8 r- A6 [& a3 kAll trouble things you did5 Y/ E4 K+ u! k$ h- m# V
And that is the price for love# G1 H; @' V- y9 F5 a& L
( c/ [8 [& {7 O0 |! B+ W
you are deeply in love; e4 o* z3 ^, N  ]5 ^
Everything from me is negative! b. z' B* c' {" H( t9 ]+ X
"My man should be like this,& ~( D5 R0 }: u: I  Z* E
and I am helping you to improve'
1 ~& ^2 q, V- U% i0 e: `
: E% T: E8 I* e. v1 m& }; Q# W9 s4 OYou are loving me 5 v; a; f8 i: S3 f- ~
or that one in your mind?
! Q6 S8 r# t7 D$ lMy mind is like a mud  C& j. t4 H4 F3 d+ Y8 W
can be shaped whatever you want
: t8 _) ~; T% L8 o
  D  M$ }3 [) ^unfortunalety not my heart1 g' Z, j6 y4 ?  ]3 D" p- p/ g2 w0 M
It is slashed by you
! S3 a/ ?6 Q" I" K4 |and I am seriously hurt9 M/ c2 L: R1 I% M- Z
# h: A0 x: y3 S9 _0 K& |, x8 F0 n
I will never love another
$ d+ A+ v( p2 _- a+ jIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 - Q( D7 G% v, L
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

( n# t& _& V4 K- V# o* X$ S* a, o$ r3 m  d9 D
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!2 b, n$ M; w' K9 J, V# l6 Z
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
" B: i+ g( m- i% fi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks." Q/ s7 g8 [  k6 L0 P" O2 ]
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed* w- ^  p' M2 O; m8 U+ V4 \( Y7 L
8 z, b3 T4 |8 z: V6 ^+ U$ }
with the charm,* \) g$ M& S, B: p
with the simles.* ~' m2 p' @' J& @* d% Y- w
I fell in love with you
  l+ R+ }: z5 t% ~6 @; P) [( }0 R( ~In the first sign.
5 r$ S/ c1 Y" c* I( S1 J+ KAs spotting sky at a summer
1 H# z: o$ x* W- H
: O: k. E5 C5 M- s/ q" s6 I7 xYour lip is so soft
7 i' t7 |, a5 a- C6 _there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
) i- P* \! d: eYour body is so sexy
4 v0 a1 p9 @" D; c  P6 CAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
6 l5 @4 g5 B% ?! g  @" M. M# m6 D* J6 A
I am deeply in love$ M0 I, W" J8 q/ x! m. }# I
Everything from you is so charming
8 V* h6 }( v; A% g3 Q) Oalthough You r so picky for me
, L$ Z" j  |  i% [; f3 u! cAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
2 n5 n: l. n/ k. C+ h6 jBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem! ]0 s7 K0 x8 ^+ Z! k7 F8 A
+ A) o! ?" S& h! J# R0 J
+ s( J7 t9 M% Q+ X
His hello is the end of her endings5 k$ S; F5 x( N5 F* p
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle7 K* F+ C. o$ V+ h5 y7 `: c( t; c
His hand would be hers to hold forever% ]5 ~+ [9 n* Y* u3 b
His forever is simply as her smile . ]) `8 H7 T' `3 ~5 ~" G
He said she was what was missing5 M# b2 g/ }& d8 o& i( q
She said instantly she knew) }* u. R: j2 Z& H" W7 [# q# ]5 B
She was a question to be answered) |% g/ v, A: _6 [8 I
And his answer is
$ ^/ E- e( Q. ?" [% }5 iI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas! ?( B2 m( |" r* `' x* @

2 u  _$ W, v( q! [, V( O" H/ [/ eBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt: G) Y5 ]# S' j
% K0 f3 B4 T/ k
It's amazing how I felt 4 {0 t, M/ V0 |, {! a4 V! Q& k
when I was with you- a# {- `+ k: N8 U
My heart beat so fast1 s( y6 p# e  e/ I2 K* W, z
I looked at you and thought
# J) y( ]  a; sHoly Jesus, you were so cute
# w+ I, M8 @  b
, k; K% S# v! ]0 B/ `6 P' g. }6 PYou left me without a word
7 c3 P5 H) Q1 Y# @; e- ]I have nothing except my emptiness
& Q$ Y1 i2 U1 {8 t  e2 {My mood is like a cloud
, d1 w/ _) Q4 X+ T* _- E' jHow could it be dispersed?
  y3 ~0 p% y' J& v2 M$ V7 g8 d' p6 n1 a( h4 s- j. e0 ?" k
Feelings bite my heart
% m! Q( q/ ~! ]) l( k. Q1 BYou are the right one I wait! m  H. E* o; Z7 g! _
In the depth of my soul
& O1 c6 B6 a2 E9 [I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
  z) H$ ]- O% B. S& B+ V你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 c( p3 y( [, L就和用中文写一次
/ E* Y# ?% h7 O. e' a7 e阿,我爱你, H4 m1 \3 T, _/ P; E
你让我心跳好快4 N2 T" {1 k! u
你让我脸发热+ `$ d! R& K" F; p4 F) I) V+ c
我爱上你的大嘴唇; {8 k& @, S# R3 A
XXXXX
4 l7 T. j$ e  s1 L/ W不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
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如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER2 Q/ B# L- g5 l/ v: k; }
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
& N( q6 R$ `- M! m( E4 T  Q' |  D& P闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
& t" J) v1 C9 ~8 ~8 e# i你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道6 e. C, o1 V2 |: X
就和用中文写一次. f6 |; L$ U6 {2 t0 j
阿,我爱你
! |% g* `7 @- L, U0 p, Y( t; Q你让我心跳好快
. T9 s* u8 |9 G! b* Y你让我脸发热9 G0 @; d* }5 |' N3 J; {1 z1 m' D
我爱上你的大嘴唇
3 D0 ?4 A$ P+ L1 ]6 ~$ yXXXXX2 t+ D8 W1 N- Q; }& Y- d+ [5 P
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

$ Y4 m4 z. V+ V0 t  Y$ ]( T' M& w" d# @) r1 V
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.; H* S9 B3 I$ {. v4 @$ G2 l7 j# {- \
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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