我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
& C" H9 C/ d+ v6 A6 N, @
. b( {2 B: m) ~% p- O. y0 |; hI fell in love with you
4 P( n9 G0 U6 a$ {3 j  uAt the first week we met
1 ?2 O) G+ X. r- D. F& F' e
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
  {3 Q; E; L7 K  r1 VAs spotting sky at a summer night
0 D1 x! E( A2 o+ q  z1 h3 LThey are shining stars
/ W' r, f) a  L
Your lip is so big
( B9 |  K* v7 D5 @And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
& R! K2 D. l2 K: r- gAnd that is good for sex
0 [7 B7 g4 ~; I7 c) a
I was deeply in love
. S! S2 i% N, CEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
- V" g& c8 I& ySaying no good for making funny sound
: _  M* H1 F9 W# M! \, W4 K: r; hI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

6 H7 l- t2 Z1 B  b% a& _$ x! B8 MI fell in love with you
6 L% S: K6 I9 o7 d7 J; L+ s- l- BBecome a fool to think
$ S1 q$ O8 J- a- N! S4 m+ l+ OAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
3 C& ]& x6 a* S4 N$ lEverything from me is negative
, ~* X$ v$ D2 f5 W, }"My man should be like this,
9 C8 _* A, H1 {( f$ X7 N7 rand I am helping you to improve'
' s- ?, w! c# D' Q4 S$ a' @8 D
You are loving me
: r* K$ p  q/ |! R  }or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
# S- `5 r% _5 u( U" ^can be shaped whatever you want

& z7 W$ Y" I% Z- S) p* ^4 |unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
8 Z7 C; h6 m& M0 }
I will never love another
5 X9 r" i; }0 O. P" R3 f! `If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" v. d0 J6 m8 [' M: U+ _* D1 _
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
. E8 Q  F, f7 [% C不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 f  D/ I  z  M7 d4 G* R9 iAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

# c# [" M* G( c5 {, vwith the charm,
0 r" Y4 B0 f" B1 p, {7 pwith the simles.
; {/ `# ]) Y2 E( ]I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 j) H; a* R2 ^. L) @: EYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
4 A  V. r) A0 C  YEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
0 W( |2 [0 {4 A7 J7 q; p3 y0 GAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
8 i1 S% a1 b; @+ w8 _8 l" _" oBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
  M+ g7 w, K4 ?: `7 d
& }: y- @0 r( |& m
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
" F, Y! k3 ?/ V3 y0 vHis hand would be hers to hold forever
+ A/ p: {" s/ G8 _/ ~5 sHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
/ s5 t! H, U2 ?+ J% MShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
; H9 n9 h8 {& {. [1 Z  O/ FAnd his answer is
; d; U/ ~% `3 F4 E: @+ SI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

  D  t1 ]- Q7 o: m8 KBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
- P% c* a' L, |1 @( `! S, Hwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
" v3 t5 s7 ?6 ?I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
- b, @9 n- H3 p$ a$ G
You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
" u: n! l5 h: _, R# B! W' pHow could it be dispersed?
1 Y  O0 H+ B: _2 J
4 O" u$ C$ ^: L% iFeelings bite my heart
7 x( Z; q7 b4 D) O# f. p& oYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) j( p( H% [7 l  [就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
5 k( o. @4 B! b你让我脸发热
' l- V" f4 D. h9 @: C* L' A我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ ]+ }5 s+ Q* o- w8 ^XXXXX
0 ]. [. Y$ b% J/ N6 c& @( q不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
) I9 P* {* p/ g+ O3 [" L至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
% {  [. R4 J* w2 \1 R* y; J+ M你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" M3 ]$ O3 Q! ?$ X! I& ~+ g就和用中文写一次
6 Y% t( _1 A: o7 B& r+ n阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 Q  u% x+ v' }. Z; wXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

( F0 x: y- K- c0 `/ h靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
6 m. F- t$ i0 m1 T' M  t

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。