我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
% t% A2 k: Z9 }# G
I fell in love with you
& p" e- B" F( L# @# p) kAt the first week we met

( @3 n/ e# L! c* {' |5 q4 m4 SYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
, Y* S  B7 f9 c, qThey are shining stars
7 k) d& r7 u) P& B6 H
: k: g, p" |" G& k* HYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
& z+ N6 o# x, }* dAnd that is good for sex
4 H2 G% `" S' B+ i0 q$ x
5 z1 i, U8 W/ m: oI was deeply in love
* e; r) i1 k9 j& L) cEverything from you is positive
# |9 H+ W' I6 b4 k% IYou blame me everything and everyday
8 D8 I8 M7 i: H3 b9 CAnd I think all girls sound like
9 L# N' [3 m' s& W
You could not stand my eating
  {3 H& w2 [1 y& ^6 VSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
( T% K9 y, G' J% k+ R
4 B  W" Z- U, I& R% E. JI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
; w8 Z2 C  A, ?8 @% A; l/ h3 W( d
you are deeply in love
6 f& F  t. ]2 u! Q4 \" M3 c( vEverything from me is negative
  ~' [) @' r) Y5 w; \9 |"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
- c/ Z. r: }! h- h3 t0 D
) S* Q8 A4 h+ Y% @1 ~8 AYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
0 e0 X% ~9 Q% V# f, h  b( cMy mind is like a mud
; x" D3 K$ w- a! r' n2 ]can be shaped whatever you want
( D0 C4 S0 v& Z& x- c: ^  R6 a
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
- Q4 f8 p5 a9 b: a" x7 S
I will never love another
$ B. s9 ^, P$ [If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
+ ?; x$ g/ O$ I; Bmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! V/ C' H, q( ~1 B; q9 G8 \
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
( v6 \, A5 }7 l! b# s; X不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
* d9 k5 m8 q( @# P- ]8 t. p9 hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
9 }% _) R& f5 \" s+ H
with the charm,
with the simles.
2 A, W) I  _$ {1 NI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
7 {- {, `5 o* |4 x2 t5 c
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
/ s7 s, V$ _; y1 I8 MAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
% R% K8 H8 m& ]- e' J
I am deeply in love
/ [' {, c% }  q4 ^9 o% S$ GEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
/ \" }* j: i- ]: {. ]' c+ bAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
  P# ]) t% [7 z" z/ O, }/ g& f3 m# S4 IBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
3 g" i" Y: Z+ F4 }: F& D8 m% P
8 Z+ }% p+ T$ k" T% y: }! i
His hello is the end of her endings
5 x  c) t: e" m- }  NHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 k" h) I0 `% d2 F# vHis hand would be hers to hold forever
% m5 {3 G& P6 K: u' u7 zHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
% c9 h7 @; G+ W1 b) ~2 A4 KAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: c6 i1 f. q0 v1 e' K; A9 @4 X
  C5 L1 y/ B2 Y1 c' ^Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

6 b7 u6 J' V3 [5 R0 V) BIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

- f/ X' E/ n5 `) O- ^$ _You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
& B  R8 F7 X4 s2 oMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
0 a' g  y& u( S: Y, E  Y3 ?( w" {4 i( O
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
1 x2 j. V/ T5 d9 A# f- }. D& {, GI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
) s4 Y9 G) C  f& _$ J1 r+ O. B阿,我爱你
* \3 F7 F2 \5 V; R" G你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
, U. o# e6 G7 B$ A5 v3 W0 `XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
* B6 i. v6 `3 D( b
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
7 @& h$ S9 Z7 t0 t1 r至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
. m7 t2 [/ n& [: O) X闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
  z3 b) ?* I" d% O5 _& p9 _' G就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
; q! l* Z/ \' z8 s  _: B" l你让我心跳好快
" V; s8 B5 J. v  X% h, G2 ~你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 w, b0 \, R. w, @1 L8 _XXXXX
5 A+ l8 {9 ?5 t- i2 |不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

. v+ J. x& V' h, g  b5 ]靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。