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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
% W+ w4 V% r: \0 Y
. M/ l, v+ }! @& S* F; FI fell in love with you " ?; }3 Q# V7 @/ Z
At the first week we met
4 p; x. U, I/ _/ B$ u: \; l/ D9 }( U' D8 s% u/ c8 z" q
You have charm, you have looks
# G, ]) J% `" i8 R( }with full of pimples in face( Q$ R- X( w# f1 d$ {- j
As spotting sky at a summer night
4 N1 o/ E# I. w/ [! v3 kThey are shining stars
8 {5 u: C% A5 Q1 z
+ i9 Z) I8 P' b' P* KYour lip is so big
& `6 |) C% M$ k7 QAnd that’s good for a kiss
- i" Q0 x& X+ }6 U1 I  n& b2 |. aYour body is chubby9 s9 L( T2 P" |, X. L2 z9 t2 f
And that is good for sex
1 q) F! U( T9 z$ G" g3 \
6 Z5 _4 A; P8 A" m5 `8 HI was deeply in love
- F8 Q9 g! \( h$ V. p0 gEverything from you is positive$ \0 ^0 x' {+ W6 T! L. }- O
You blame me everything and everyday
4 p% V  f. R, h* q, \And I think all girls sound like/ [  _) @% @) b
& M) {2 b- c% d2 D
You could not stand my eating
1 L0 F% c$ R5 oSaying no good for making funny sound, Y, z5 b' r4 ^# n, _' k# `
I think you are perfectly right
5 j5 e) h: O& ?9 A/ h" ]Eating with sound is a pig6 P: I: m; N& I) d# `; W3 U5 f

/ q0 M7 ?" g% w6 _2 XI fell in love with you % @. N& h6 p8 ^" u* O! u
Become a fool to think
0 |- l- s. N4 F$ oAll trouble things you did
) S* {  k2 M, K. S$ P7 E" L4 H8 ^, m# sAnd that is the price for love/ o# ?& K* W# ?4 Y
8 S! K9 i: q' H( }7 k  i7 M3 k" e
you are deeply in love' H& X7 ?; [2 o6 E% b
Everything from me is negative
6 x% V4 N) n; g, a# E5 a# o7 t"My man should be like this,+ B& Q- S2 v9 T1 _7 w& L
and I am helping you to improve'1 l# o( m5 i# F' ~" g: R# f0 i
; A+ U/ s4 L9 ?$ H, x- \9 R
You are loving me
' f& g) }1 X% D+ V3 @/ V% A* lor that one in your mind?
, d$ R; O6 G* v+ ?3 n& }My mind is like a mud" x3 ~+ K- `$ Z3 [: V8 o7 [  E4 _' w
can be shaped whatever you want
8 K. {- X7 f2 h+ l: H% b3 a+ L$ b& \6 E% t: F0 `, V8 b( [$ Y
unfortunalety not my heart
. U0 ~. ~: w! X% D( _& G/ j' Z4 ?It is slashed by you
1 }6 U/ K" ~# {) h- aand I am seriously hurt5 y7 g7 q5 _0 J3 h5 Y. |
, R3 _1 ?2 [+ Z9 F2 [
I will never love another
% k2 u# a) H6 W# N& @If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
0 E1 Y1 m+ G- Xmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
' E0 G, F: B7 B/ G
2 ^" x( b1 T% ?* d+ i
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!8 S& S& [6 q0 C( H6 j7 P; M" Z# l! H
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, / H1 }; o6 C7 J$ ]
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.+ |' @  G, C2 s" M, V% P: j2 F
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
) B/ _$ }* D2 S: ]% h0 b
* y  r: h8 m9 o/ c1 Kwith the charm,+ g) a6 s; E  ^8 ]" h
with the simles.1 D5 u( z( y. K; n, ?( C" |. a
I fell in love with you
6 Z& R! B' f4 G6 b$ w& lIn the first sign.
, b1 t' d! R" `9 q6 `' e! b. _/ ]% rAs spotting sky at a summer + B. t! c3 |( n7 M
- C( h2 G/ Y: V  D# V
Your lip is so soft
7 L8 x4 A1 X% }4 Rthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss) N$ U9 R+ A7 i% }: q# u+ d
Your body is so sexy
. S8 K5 c$ y+ I$ r$ N2 ~' r, J- lAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.) p& l5 c, C& d+ \( z3 f
+ }. j2 O, W( K9 ~8 X: N
I am deeply in love
/ c; ~) e9 Y" n9 S6 x7 M6 B* sEverything from you is so charming3 w! D: t- R3 v( }% v
although You r so picky for me & h, x( S9 p, z. G! ]$ Y
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.4 X' L  W" H- [; ^8 S
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
5 w% f$ J- W2 e' t- Y7 k( e
- F3 g  n( A! b
% R' k5 B- l6 X# Y, Z: YHis hello is the end of her endings
% q  \& p' h3 P+ uHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
0 i& t3 k2 W" A& S2 R5 OHis hand would be hers to hold forever( ~/ X. R& C& N% q# z
His forever is simply as her smile , k: D6 Q& H% ^+ ~8 D+ K
He said she was what was missing
( W/ _1 w; X# T; w9 gShe said instantly she knew/ ]9 z8 \2 G9 E8 w" i4 R( B
She was a question to be answered( U2 j2 k. d) C9 D7 e( o' f& a0 F
And his answer is , ?4 f" a7 m) J, a5 Q# d
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas4 G* }* b0 t0 B7 ?
1 r" M: t) p& q3 h+ i
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
5 O( R7 T# B) `& `) W/ g
0 v  W) O0 @! W2 K% SIt's amazing how I felt
) ^, D0 V9 p! U5 C" cwhen I was with you7 v6 `. ]/ n, C& ]3 t9 q
My heart beat so fast& E" }3 m  d0 B' r) r7 Q+ ?# s! }" q! v
I looked at you and thought9 U% {+ \9 J  W3 r0 L) S& o6 h
Holy Jesus, you were so cute% z+ [, \& a9 i, V) W- R% i3 K

: |9 L8 h. o! U; ?5 i* y' QYou left me without a word
( j, g# t. r4 b  X6 K' U0 PI have nothing except my emptiness% p1 e* u& I: h+ L( M
My mood is like a cloud+ W6 Z' u' @0 b( |- c
How could it be dispersed?, H7 i. p0 k; X

$ x7 A& F! @0 D& uFeelings bite my heart ; Q  [& j; i. f" N7 F
You are the right one I wait
! W3 _+ F! ?0 S8 g8 hIn the depth of my soul0 K4 G+ p* D/ `7 R' O  ?  w7 [/ v
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美9 N3 W5 x/ j, }* ^
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道; G$ E0 `4 a; D' a5 b6 C3 R2 h: T8 r, H
就和用中文写一次
, o0 C, a: D2 G) d0 H8 Y阿,我爱你2 L) u  ^; [% V5 m9 E2 G
你让我心跳好快
2 I+ R- g! o& J5 ]' Y1 L4 Q0 J/ X你让我脸发热
1 F0 T& G( L7 l' c! p' u我爱上你的大嘴唇3 N4 p& p; T, z: ]
XXXXX
1 B9 v9 l1 w% e& v不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?0 F+ ^  F' P2 U: \0 w. p; F% h

/ r1 w& g" z$ B# q$ m$ X$ B# E' z% B6 k如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER  ]- H7 X( w/ W- [+ Q  t( b2 R8 k
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
大型搬家
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
) @. I4 {* z! D. X  d0 ?闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美2 O$ t: C# k3 @: \
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
: u/ w& l: b5 n就和用中文写一次( y7 E) ~* o  V  P  h1 T: @) h
阿,我爱你5 H4 j/ Q8 a' @! m) s
你让我心跳好快* O3 t+ D! S8 _- t$ _1 ~; M4 I
你让我脸发热$ L1 I  V, d1 Z8 ^" v+ \
我爱上你的大嘴唇0 R$ r  O$ o. o' M
XXXXX2 V2 q# Q% ]6 P, u
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

* F( ?! I2 p2 Q, `) o/ m* s; R  _
- U4 V1 H' ^' n' S8 P; X靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
/ z- k$ I' Z- R1 Y" f/ |
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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