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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love  R% {+ w- i! x3 L  e1 n
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I fell in love with you - k% k1 h* V' H( [" T; ~7 j
At the first week we met2 ^' L. L3 F& j$ i6 i3 Z

) F# p4 W- M1 S8 O% `+ {4 ]You have charm, you have looks( ^1 ?6 a  Q* D! R# ?
with full of pimples in face
4 ]- O: r+ E) |6 E) DAs spotting sky at a summer night! E4 o% Q- N- y- e% h
They are shining stars: Z4 S9 v# ]( `9 P

4 F1 |* S: s' u! T- D6 HYour lip is so big( ^4 k& g& M% L" M) s# N
And that’s good for a kiss
7 }. ~# Y5 f2 \0 x7 a- m' G/ aYour body is chubby
$ ~0 g1 l! Y: i- v% h! [. P6 pAnd that is good for sex
& j4 H. q" }6 X: Y" A# {
' \3 U+ G* Z% _$ r, p3 d3 xI was deeply in love* u1 ~, P4 ?  A) w  \2 W4 g$ A8 ~2 |
Everything from you is positive( g. i5 g% c! X9 D& o
You blame me everything and everyday
4 k2 H5 U, y: {' e3 R% DAnd I think all girls sound like
/ l+ h+ P7 ~( x: X, [
0 |0 @# l  }' R. A- X$ LYou could not stand my eating% @$ i: A2 d* v/ [7 I9 e* |
Saying no good for making funny sound
! j/ j: P5 C& r$ G; lI think you are perfectly right
/ e: g3 s' ?/ n' {! BEating with sound is a pig
& Y1 J! D# x- |; f* W2 ^* u& ^+ ~0 S$ X" E: d- m" Q7 o( O
I fell in love with you ) `% d1 G6 n6 E7 @& e: f
Become a fool to think
. T' R$ W' d7 w% ^1 j  AAll trouble things you did% A+ a  R$ g" x( C+ U
And that is the price for love, \( ]) [* r% q8 [4 c
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you are deeply in love* o0 g! F# ?& W# s" _& M
Everything from me is negative, s0 l) |' a; V- z8 R
"My man should be like this,: b# C, }0 j, }$ o
and I am helping you to improve'
2 z. D% ^# k5 s; s) d- M
; m( f0 p- ?8 p& w1 }7 gYou are loving me
) k6 }) k* g9 C4 ^or that one in your mind?
: B6 d, i+ @8 V" D% RMy mind is like a mud* q5 |: y6 a" i
can be shaped whatever you want
# D9 S$ J% w1 I+ @4 z8 n4 d, c! u: s% V" b$ \4 w
unfortunalety not my heart7 A6 p! @. N" v
It is slashed by you
3 Y, l7 o: d; H$ a# x+ d# Aand I am seriously hurt! o5 b3 W) A! S" ~8 n
+ l3 }. S0 ~$ N0 |7 @# e
I will never love another
  _* Q; ~3 R( o" ]If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ! U. j9 Q( P  V$ d6 K* G: P
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 n. I0 I' x# c) U; w9 {
5 C& S( I0 l; Z5 r咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
% ^, i0 ^$ Z2 T1 y3 t7 Q8 I不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, # }$ M  v2 k. L" l) k
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.$ g; V! v/ U$ }
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
- L( J- G. _- {; Y' w6 H7 H2 ]; P; m. q: }
with the charm,; r( b8 J: B* y/ E& E2 `2 h. a
with the simles.7 Y7 l6 E# k. I2 M
I fell in love with you , d. [3 y2 W# G1 e
In the first sign.4 m# Z: }9 |3 i; F, X; T6 A
As spotting sky at a summer : p. i( \( ^: `, ~5 e
! ?2 e7 e+ |8 s' R
Your lip is so soft
. v2 b' {- j; Z4 _' Ithere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss5 {, i* Y' B( j  z: I0 {' u- O
Your body is so sexy
6 j: Q; ]  S6 KAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.* D( C+ ^5 j7 X0 y" F4 f* D' b: Y3 W" a
0 H: z8 v, b! x: [8 S6 Y
I am deeply in love- `( A4 d7 B/ k
Everything from you is so charming
6 O. y9 R5 h4 d# [4 walthough You r so picky for me
2 K' H! S. u  G5 `! M6 D4 B# LAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
1 _( A" x+ |6 b" k# OBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
- Z8 v7 W3 v& F3 n! o) i$ n7 |+ }) A
5 B8 R" h& _9 W+ k3 L" Q; u
His hello is the end of her endings& Q2 z9 l5 M* l1 l
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
& Y3 Y+ [: u' `& Y4 GHis hand would be hers to hold forever" Z4 \3 `5 h1 m/ ]0 s% R: a$ Y
His forever is simply as her smile
3 T1 Y! g1 K, m1 e+ e5 V2 [' lHe said she was what was missing9 K% Y% R+ j% S# a
She said instantly she knew
' m2 u; J0 |% x) N8 jShe was a question to be answered
4 y& r: p6 I0 D2 o* c: hAnd his answer is 0 J% ~% e. {' C$ e- d% [- h
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
, O" y( Y6 o0 n2 r0 |; w
' A4 K, p& Q. \It's amazing how I felt
$ f6 f* y3 `* swhen I was with you
3 M( M; E3 f6 `4 @. V1 yMy heart beat so fast
1 }. a1 Y7 \: YI looked at you and thought
6 ~* [& e. H2 \5 {2 I2 Q( e* zHoly Jesus, you were so cute7 H2 d, b( t" y( ~  f
% u9 H  m* }" f
You left me without a word7 E; W& q) l! U# T* V5 p
I have nothing except my emptiness
5 q3 ^- o/ A4 X, X- AMy mood is like a cloud
: U5 M9 q1 b7 m+ t# r4 K$ A2 g+ VHow could it be dispersed?' d. L* Q' w9 ]+ w) c1 H3 e
1 z. @0 d: G" R2 B/ j7 [. J" I; c
Feelings bite my heart
& o; b' w9 C) EYou are the right one I wait
& B. O! H; _' t0 J/ a0 xIn the depth of my soul2 {! g4 U% Z/ I/ c& Y  c
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
8 m0 L& `3 _5 ~$ u7 X- _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道! L. `4 R" ?8 `9 Y$ C' E
就和用中文写一次3 @+ K* O, n, J/ X2 ^
阿,我爱你- @6 z2 M8 C- O
你让我心跳好快" O+ H2 ?/ [% h  H: \4 i
你让我脸发热/ p: o& [5 e: t0 R+ x" o- D. R& v6 t
我爱上你的大嘴唇6 a' b8 _3 B* N0 z, @  Y
XXXXX
6 l  ^2 C) s4 a: u4 J不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
$ c) Q/ ]/ {+ v; u& H; d
! O/ i" s: ^5 e6 }& L如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER! J% w6 k$ B- o5 J
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - j- J6 g- D% r6 E1 s  o
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美5 m0 A5 F0 k, d& q+ D" S& M, {* s
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% R) x- Z7 t1 u# t& o就和用中文写一次
$ y3 N, e3 v6 G. Z$ ~5 x阿,我爱你5 K2 \" `( D3 K: h; w7 |
你让我心跳好快
! b8 C" z# }- ~5 J5 b6 B( ]你让我脸发热
5 e) d  @8 L7 S* t% i1 C" Z我爱上你的大嘴唇
. Q) ]4 n+ w8 O/ [XXXXX
! s) A% U0 B2 G4 }1 S不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

  h0 D* b* P* V/ [1 T8 ^. P" A. N) v; o; ^7 X; c
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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