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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
7 m( z0 y( \, G& v3 q  y5 K: _7 E+ V9 ?5 Y* R8 q8 J
I fell in love with you
; ^! T; T0 _4 [( L  O* `( q: cAt the first week we met# i) G% ~# v) S0 {. Q" E5 n
; Q! E: W* x, c, r/ O( Z
You have charm, you have looks- H3 b; A) E5 C
with full of pimples in face
- j# k" P& g) LAs spotting sky at a summer night( s2 K/ I" m+ i# ^% m1 l
They are shining stars
8 @, W% [' X2 I
4 w! {# [8 D: t: nYour lip is so big5 w/ |; |+ c9 U: V* Z4 m' @
And that’s good for a kiss
, I" {) D  W5 ]3 i/ T# _( N3 o- d0 vYour body is chubby
  D7 U6 b4 Y4 Z; P& h: QAnd that is good for sex
0 R, W6 D7 S+ r+ V+ a% e' m3 s  M8 G8 L& c5 X- H
I was deeply in love8 ^) ]# I" c3 K( v8 x
Everything from you is positive
: i& B% n3 o' @( K2 J. PYou blame me everything and everyday7 V  y+ A' h" |9 t. g
And I think all girls sound like! o  Z( g. M# \0 \4 o

5 O' _& f* t9 C; E% w- c- H/ z0 E$ a% _You could not stand my eating$ k' F; r6 q4 ?; A( P
Saying no good for making funny sound
5 y. L" Q0 S& A! T: p7 c8 gI think you are perfectly right
& S; U4 V$ E  P2 h2 U& vEating with sound is a pig
* R  K, n" ]% f6 P: l; n( n! c" U2 m2 E9 `% a
I fell in love with you , i8 J) t2 L6 ]4 S* z3 _/ g
Become a fool to think5 I$ ~; _0 V+ o! G- _9 P8 k
All trouble things you did! U/ d: l: Y6 S! ?
And that is the price for love/ g# p- {  }( T& |( K
  ~8 R1 t: ]- Y
you are deeply in love
8 {# N; n* n5 u6 JEverything from me is negative
$ Q& r1 @# T9 U6 e: ]  L"My man should be like this," x1 @2 J5 A  ]2 W- \
and I am helping you to improve'
% a; |2 h, r! S5 ~7 v! S" j$ W# z" W, [! t8 ]) p* u" m
You are loving me
& T/ _. U% O9 [; [% ]0 U5 Xor that one in your mind?  }  f6 `0 `% j
My mind is like a mud
: n2 o$ O! X. j3 H0 E+ pcan be shaped whatever you want* A$ Q: a/ C0 J/ K" X+ I
& b& r6 U; t( E& ?( X
unfortunalety not my heart$ ]1 K/ {" h4 J: N2 Z/ T
It is slashed by you + D1 l* _; L! y
and I am seriously hurt
3 D9 V* E' C: m( z
) T% T) S, _* ?9 c9 Z: @* iI will never love another ) b! h8 L* W, a' P, J
If my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 8 i" ^3 \& z4 x- ~% k" x  B; N
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
( n' l, y$ m  B3 h# u& ]& _

% Y1 U! t: U# s# ^- \5 i5 F$ u5 `4 z" J2 d咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
% G. m. E4 j: i" v不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
* C# S$ f% l- L; C& m4 ji am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.+ ^; G* R% s% g. v1 O
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 @* z0 g" J& E* V) _" l0 u. A2 p# U, e& V/ n
with the charm,
; |% k% n3 u6 n# _/ j1 k$ T/ q+ cwith the simles.  }7 l* D6 f; o0 i
I fell in love with you
2 |7 x& E/ u! R0 R: f: PIn the first sign.) w& `* F1 M' D- ~& I
As spotting sky at a summer & b. ]: i. ]: E' H1 b

# Y3 |% C' T$ S# p+ PYour lip is so soft
; ~% i6 F$ S7 m; [there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss6 O$ ]- ^4 ]9 k1 \' s9 P
Your body is so sexy
0 x$ U) r8 |8 S+ }# HAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
& Q& P: f; e% J* W0 p* p$ e6 X; c( M( |$ k/ |1 ~1 o
I am deeply in love
3 c! l! }/ E# e& U5 [, FEverything from you is so charming" y) W6 L! S, }4 c
although You r so picky for me
2 E2 `; x7 `; ?, C) P4 o- O0 j2 @  j/ GAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
3 K+ g) R) Q& H  ?) [But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
6 w% s; \, G/ n" f+ p; B0 Q7 R' v/ o: F0 J  X

, @* \9 ~, ?( o; ^0 M+ fHis hello is the end of her endings, ?) `, q6 g/ c6 E/ @) ~
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle9 f% ^6 f/ W' D( h$ C& @* K$ D5 a: i" d
His hand would be hers to hold forever
0 c5 j. ?4 L! T5 C, F; [* ?9 THis forever is simply as her smile
+ m" L- D' M( V& B, V, n. ?" o! l0 `He said she was what was missing
" S# v: W. f0 b8 b) m+ {She said instantly she knew; J- B! O' ^; P* u! F+ \# r8 M
She was a question to be answered: Z$ r3 _/ e! I. f
And his answer is ! F/ ^' t# @+ ^+ J5 x: s8 c6 g
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas# s8 l/ s8 L+ {9 H# B1 ]

1 E* z% E' q  O# ^. v; fBelow is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt/ i! J( ~' W% x  x4 h6 o
1 X6 C/ b- E! v. w1 I3 x1 y0 o
It's amazing how I felt
7 X; v! R, j) \& H$ `! l% kwhen I was with you
! ?+ c# F; G+ W% e5 w7 @! u: tMy heart beat so fast9 e" a7 [5 `9 n* V
I looked at you and thought6 k0 G! t" _9 X; T( {5 V+ q
Holy Jesus, you were so cute7 M5 z' T) y3 C) d/ q
; V) D- e+ D# c9 e
You left me without a word+ r" V5 B3 ]% Z
I have nothing except my emptiness& Q- V& [7 l, v
My mood is like a cloud
# U# @- K; E2 \* e+ w, F; }How could it be dispersed?  @0 _/ Q9 S) H6 X

' v8 p* `( h& Y# c( e- tFeelings bite my heart
1 F# x; n# D4 ?9 Z, }( Q9 DYou are the right one I wait' H1 ]* O; e# E% |, J' u
In the depth of my soul, g1 K# _( O- C1 {* p
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 t5 r8 z2 Q3 {2 h6 w( l% H2 B你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 l/ C9 W) \( T3 h' d就和用中文写一次
' e+ i' x% I8 {6 T阿,我爱你
/ z. a4 x5 |9 d. u. J你让我心跳好快
* B. Z6 N) d1 f0 G4 Q3 K; r6 e+ G& F你让我脸发热6 k+ k. {+ Y# L% O1 Y: S8 i, }& L
我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 U* q; @3 ]$ W& o+ sXXXXX. u% x3 G, j0 @
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?2 J) F7 w% L+ g( l8 e
( l0 b; @/ Y+ F# W
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER/ D# b  v8 J% ^, i! Z! d+ R
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
/ o! u, O2 I6 \" I( g闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
# _3 Z' h) R9 u1 e8 K! n9 [你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道$ b4 v+ R7 f  U; j- i$ T/ @
就和用中文写一次
3 v+ r% T- m' ~$ R6 p阿,我爱你0 @* O3 V+ S( U/ m# p7 P* ]
你让我心跳好快
7 M6 k. R- s" ^" H" |4 w6 d你让我脸发热
1 O' Y! ~* T9 n% F我爱上你的大嘴唇
: r! m; t8 L! x1 W1 [XXXXX2 s: ^" n* p! ]- |6 o
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

0 m1 R/ k4 |8 n* x/ i' h; ]& v( @# i. Z5 [+ v( S
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.; Z4 N8 o) k  |% n) {  }8 t* n7 c* c
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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