我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

9 K7 m! X, i! g" s* mI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
! H; }! L& r+ }( A: c% _
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
; H  Y* q: ~# X) h( Z5 g# Y/ Z2 }As spotting sky at a summer night
! w) `- c$ a" o9 \$ m: oThey are shining stars

/ S1 S/ N" B4 qYour lip is so big
6 e! ^' {$ p, s4 @* [. b$ |' XAnd that’s good for a kiss
" V9 h; c. ?6 OYour body is chubby
1 A1 Z1 I/ J" O' O; FAnd that is good for sex
1 B! Q+ t5 i* v/ t# l( ]" w5 A
I was deeply in love
- Z- v/ n3 x% V- wEverything from you is positive
1 V  ?" h' G. r- M" y9 j0 ZYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
4 N$ o8 t' p% B3 xI think you are perfectly right
, q6 c  K/ e6 J2 M2 vEating with sound is a pig
: s; A8 p+ ]1 w" A6 _& j
I fell in love with you
$ v& h* |& U$ t7 F' |Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
7 R! C" Q5 a) ]9 P* R! v+ m$ S5 Q  XEverything from me is negative
/ I" e: \" y8 m"My man should be like this,
# K; c( Y: L) C% v8 m8 K# O) S* H. @and I am helping you to improve'
+ h, r, m: \/ A9 c0 Q
& w1 E1 p5 ^- g7 E7 F% r$ vYou are loving me
8 V- e3 ~8 D4 }  [6 Lor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
1 H% }3 o/ z1 V4 D( ^* m# Ican be shaped whatever you want
3 p: @" H) R. }9 H
unfortunalety not my heart
3 c$ J9 w, y& f1 u; }3 i) {5 ~It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
3 k2 l  U1 ^' L& x8 x" W
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

' m+ x7 M: O" }6 g( j- o2 P1 N4 c. w! A
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
/ B1 V1 ?8 [: H, u' f6 X+ k0 |
7 U2 ]2 i5 ^8 x/ k8 _  y' l: w0 bwith the charm,
& h" L$ @& |: e' B8 gwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
/ q. ?# e+ I5 k' N0 e$ H- \In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
- U5 C4 Q8 K9 {  y
/ S# e% r% i# u# j' j9 tYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
" V8 V, y( d$ x: z# v& rAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

' H* v  [4 V) Y* y! j( G( B5 oI am deeply in love
+ T* `/ t" v8 I/ F- }8 d3 [( f9 ^Everything from you is so charming
6 E- U! S7 p/ V0 U$ ~$ Walthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
6 Y* m! R# a+ m8 d5 b/ D- tBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

" \; c# P+ a' C& g+ f
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
/ V1 }9 ?- ~& ~, l* VHis forever is simply as her smile
& V" _1 i" j+ E. g6 o2 @) R3 ?$ n  VHe said she was what was missing
6 S0 {- [2 F+ g4 T1 F. W7 v( d* ]She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
3 v8 q' H' e% H. LAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
1 O8 C% x( z4 ~) K. a
  \% C& H3 w& U& N% n6 bBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
" K0 A: i- w% w$ b" y
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
) B- v- L8 y3 m1 P: I* KHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
; J8 _: _! \4 J9 q: U5 gI have nothing except my emptiness
# b) a4 @# e% N0 a/ [My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

! H, o* c9 g9 h0 w5 v3 AFeelings bite my heart
% E0 U7 U8 }* @  O! y% jYou are the right one I wait
. ~' r: }0 T9 PIn the depth of my soul
- Z+ \* W# E! E8 ]I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
3 s4 d* L! Q+ N6 Z你让我心跳好快
* A3 n+ D; g1 }- N你让我脸发热
# Y! `& [% z- C- H我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
+ m+ |4 p* N  @* m/ e
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 b( b9 O' Q4 a- q+ P8 r' V闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
) i3 S" ^2 @) l' I. Z阿,我爱你
! k2 k- d  N9 g, _1 }你让我心跳好快
( a5 \* ^- @, V& @你让我脸发热
" |# M, d) @/ r; o: F( A( _我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
* Q( {# J" w' K: }" p6 Q/ V) a不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
. g2 i* z9 {# Y4 f. w7 G: h

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。