我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

: O# r9 \( a% {* e: k8 _) E5 z* `I fell in love with you
" k( B8 Z/ k8 G0 Z8 @0 o1 ?5 n& _9 u: CAt the first week we met
0 ~1 {: _; ]) `; T& w
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
6 C1 z, e$ G/ K4 n1 a) FAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

# v( u) S- p2 c' ]; v$ W2 gYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
- ]& G# k/ i3 q2 y7 lAnd that is good for sex
: V$ {* y: u3 r
I was deeply in love
5 Y6 i; J, v  C/ XEverything from you is positive
' R! O: X! h5 T. N, t- q. oYou blame me everything and everyday
5 H) o/ G( [0 O. S) e2 L0 RAnd I think all girls sound like
5 r# p& h$ e, Z1 J  w3 H
You could not stand my eating
* S2 r2 i  o5 ^2 XSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
* h7 Z0 [. `. U8 F5 r/ BEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
+ K" D/ Q" d. [2 l7 QEverything from me is negative
7 B6 P' D' x3 Y3 K4 H) e"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
, Y4 }$ |" H' @( I
You are loving me
2 }# F* D( ]' o# U. g* f: `% ?or that one in your mind?
: O% P* I2 u1 e, uMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

; c2 m# O0 z7 Z* u5 Q4 I' Zunfortunalety not my heart
5 V" X1 I# I1 z9 _& L2 b6 vIt is slashed by you
0 Y" ]* K; ?' s$ e. Aand I am seriously hurt

, Q9 ?& d; d1 y/ g9 i: w3 h! E* fI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
* Y" h6 j1 ^! ]+ W: N9 @' Nmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

3 f, C/ R0 \4 {' D, @- K, M咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
' P* z: h# r& m3 Q" q3 x$ T# Ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
! c* [# U1 G1 ?; @" x+ y
with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
8 d$ A7 G& a# d1 v5 [1 uIn the first sign.
% E8 i$ `$ T5 I& K, iAs spotting sky at a summer
1 _& @* _+ f3 t
' \6 ]' ~' [; o) `' r/ F6 lYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
  ~( `, _, w  I; s, aYour body is so sexy
4 w% P& N9 t5 ], j  }# R2 l; cAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
- ^" H$ w. `# T5 K, F
8 N* ^; R) V+ ]- T3 R/ Q, VI am deeply in love
6 p* h5 w6 T$ Q6 ?8 i/ {( _Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
6 k- ^$ L' @3 H( K0 g- cAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) Z  G+ Z$ D; k1 j9 wBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
- v# G; T% Q4 {+ s
/ `, }& E; j# [& q
His hello is the end of her endings
; p3 y, }; h7 JHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( Z  z! c1 C' v* _3 H- H* R& A8 WHis hand would be hers to hold forever
0 j3 q0 H. O4 w5 |His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
# @4 j8 v6 @" r: [( m8 m0 CShe was a question to be answered
9 u1 Y# ~, g: _7 r( j. MAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

% g; o' M6 L$ O4 {  VBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

2 X6 j1 u# H8 b! w) U+ b: i( `( [It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
% Z! W6 t1 @* `, k9 ^. h2 RMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
/ g  c% o# J: A. t1 PHoly Jesus, you were so cute

& ?7 I! u" h/ \: ]7 sYou left me without a word
2 \  j! J; ^# e9 F2 I  a$ HI have nothing except my emptiness
1 P1 {: F) {- F( n, W( B% Y( _! wMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
' k" s8 N" o7 }- ~; u& eYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
, D5 [5 I! _% ^+ \: g" fI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
. z7 Y* p+ Q* O& h1 r6 f' n3 m; V0 x阿,我爱你
- c8 J8 X: F2 N% b# @1 R: H你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
$ R# p6 Q9 z% _不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

6 T" z! n: z/ x+ S  O5 y, w如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
$ {. u" e" I" X- p8 i至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 e* j! n/ q* Y( j+ `闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
) W4 d4 c4 r: Z0 U* O* M) {9 ]你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 g; b  P2 ?  h就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
) g; N9 U$ A  _& y# o: w1 Z. m* q不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

4 [5 Q3 y6 i, v: ]* k: w& Z
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
, g, j  |% y, l6 z& H4 N

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。