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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love# g& k% y  i1 s( l2 |- w  I

0 {+ s9 q# E: b1 v6 VI fell in love with you
9 L/ ~  W' k5 r. d4 YAt the first week we met
( `  G8 c1 [: a5 m/ F& v: g7 ]% }& B* s
You have charm, you have looks
( ?; A' U' r% O% \with full of pimples in face- R+ ~& ~5 \% D+ R( `) j3 z
As spotting sky at a summer night' ]- b0 s- S9 g; Q
They are shining stars
9 R) Y# `6 r+ f3 B' n5 S, @$ J, m8 Y. C6 |
2 o/ h% |8 H' C5 H) |( p5 i3 HYour lip is so big
$ X4 E/ R+ l& L7 xAnd that’s good for a kiss
( X/ e7 ?5 C, x, u$ w% QYour body is chubby
: f' D! a/ l, I* n/ oAnd that is good for sex7 n0 @' R9 w/ I9 ?: f9 C% N6 B
: R& g: J) x& _+ H1 J8 g
I was deeply in love
, j  M$ H, G$ [/ B# M- oEverything from you is positive
5 H5 d, r" Y' }8 A( u  n4 tYou blame me everything and everyday
9 b  d- x  g2 \% iAnd I think all girls sound like4 [7 R! e0 }' ~. ~1 C
- s* c) \; O" B+ `8 m3 r
You could not stand my eating" Y7 w! L+ @2 W& _, R2 u
Saying no good for making funny sound
" F9 f) B* |# W0 n- ZI think you are perfectly right
7 H0 H' I6 X& `4 a" d  {& ZEating with sound is a pig# l( _( r2 i. E
) }! G) _$ B! O3 l+ T! _: _# ~
I fell in love with you $ O$ j# Y& n7 g) U0 X, l3 [
Become a fool to think  A1 e$ g; J8 W& w5 l2 A0 l
All trouble things you did
, y* J: X" T5 O8 N: SAnd that is the price for love
# e* I: _; f3 j* L! F$ T/ k$ }2 z  X; J
you are deeply in love) j5 e% @/ n/ R+ X" t
Everything from me is negative
/ K/ x  h* q4 ?- u; P0 q"My man should be like this,' Z8 s$ ^  Q; ]2 |
and I am helping you to improve'0 j  U+ c- m6 ~$ C* G; ?
# r; M5 {+ g6 V; Q$ i( T
You are loving me $ `% d4 t! ~, W6 b& s2 m
or that one in your mind?
5 I; e4 ~8 b8 D* I# T% l$ j5 wMy mind is like a mud
+ T% z3 E! c2 {7 G8 W8 mcan be shaped whatever you want, a9 g! t: I. h& ?  ]" v# z2 K' g( f

8 {/ P5 H9 X  e. |unfortunalety not my heart
! x6 j6 X/ b5 @1 NIt is slashed by you ' \+ N" _- D4 s3 x
and I am seriously hurt4 Q; [1 F: t3 D% N" d2 q

5 P6 A7 B" w- U+ gI will never love another
6 L7 ~( G$ o4 f8 pIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
8 n' z3 g6 P3 P, }my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
% c1 W. J- ?6 n( I
$ M/ \# h/ s. a* ~2 y7 b; s
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
* y, r: \4 ^1 u不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
! J" k. q3 |: |i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; m$ `- w! I! WAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
: b! y5 T2 S4 A. Z6 c1 d/ L3 w
7 {  v$ z/ L/ z; }$ ?, k0 rwith the charm,
  |- D3 D# M6 {3 p2 k2 ?, Mwith the simles.* j/ h6 Z7 P9 G
I fell in love with you + c. n7 h8 R! b; S7 n! ^; B
In the first sign.9 L. o5 h+ F: k7 e% ^
As spotting sky at a summer 3 P9 W0 }5 M, ]
: h' T& I: l7 N% q
Your lip is so soft * V1 \9 D( L2 v! l# w7 u
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
. b$ S  k, C0 C- M6 h& H% HYour body is so sexy3 k  C! ?; {# x4 U
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u./ N! e. C5 e: s4 b1 Z4 P8 h

4 C+ F6 c$ N1 ?5 j% _I am deeply in love+ f9 Y" [/ q1 \. m
Everything from you is so charming+ r- y3 P9 W: @% N1 P6 U+ B
although You r so picky for me
7 Q+ g' j0 `' F% O% _, g* pAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.8 f" L' i& A; n
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem( k! _2 ~! R4 T. E* e2 o! W

' A- o2 @# W( S1 R. X& U  U( O. `, U5 q$ e* J1 q
His hello is the end of her endings
0 N% k5 @) _$ u" i( f0 R6 Z3 WHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle: J# i' G, a/ A  I: `1 ]* t
His hand would be hers to hold forever4 N  i) ~) e4 }, T6 S3 J8 |; _$ _
His forever is simply as her smile
. B" b9 }9 o6 {) \He said she was what was missing
7 w8 m6 ?( Z. o+ GShe said instantly she knew: v/ @" X2 ?) j
She was a question to be answered' V+ n7 G- ^) h0 H
And his answer is
' a( [" G  q% K. k6 ]( S% CI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
8 g% z  f$ |" i' u6 p1 z
4 ~; J- A8 h6 FIt's amazing how I felt . B) I6 Z( H8 i& P8 r+ d
when I was with you
, l7 [2 [6 I0 k2 T5 ]3 G/ \# N$ YMy heart beat so fast& H3 R5 e: I" }9 M# c
I looked at you and thought
, B, @0 \/ ]6 ^2 I0 v' N) U; B$ UHoly Jesus, you were so cute
# j2 P3 ?6 \, R% @5 l& f5 d
5 Z; _! |  p4 E) A" `You left me without a word9 E( K4 m* Q" s! p$ b
I have nothing except my emptiness
7 i+ [* A2 x7 e9 e5 U: R8 qMy mood is like a cloud1 O' w$ ~2 ]6 K' K
How could it be dispersed?2 t) e) Q2 h( F. u! R& `* {" }# F
: y. V: O) _  x* O
Feelings bite my heart $ w$ u' x* s8 p# \
You are the right one I wait0 i& O, z) Q( B$ q3 y7 A1 Y
In the depth of my soul3 M% g0 \& H$ O# _' P
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 s# P" Q  B+ v" ~你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) P; F7 n# z: ?% f  F/ a. @就和用中文写一次* y8 U: J  Q9 p+ F2 M, i
阿,我爱你" P5 F7 l0 N4 T3 t) W& ^8 _
你让我心跳好快3 t# G, ~$ z, Q
你让我脸发热
/ h- I% \% d2 M# N1 i. e0 s我爱上你的大嘴唇
7 h7 _7 o- c: [9 P) yXXXXX: {4 U) ?# J" K, N0 F2 |% D; J
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
0 q' R2 p" J+ O0 V& H! P/ m+ Z- s/ O3 q; Z# j* v
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  `7 z' v% Q+ g  c3 M1 L至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 0 T0 w- _6 V6 k! L' ^
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 Q/ T4 N, o+ K, f你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% ~. ~0 h; A4 F; M' K4 \
就和用中文写一次
7 P8 @  s# n$ n- t2 p  x阿,我爱你% n  @: u5 X# \
你让我心跳好快- B7 u/ P; R$ G6 G* t1 }6 p' U
你让我脸发热
9 [# |# _) P( {/ y9 r7 f5 i我爱上你的大嘴唇" A# X) n% [& B" P, O( c+ P
XXXXX1 ]& O$ z' ?7 v' Y5 G0 M
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

; ^, g5 g, H  n8 ?, X8 B5 f! \5 ]4 G5 E
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.  D( Z& r9 x9 N" {+ o: I
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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