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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love( h) ^' |$ M* D+ D

. v$ p! T6 \" w, D: gI fell in love with you ; G% A1 G- l# u( L' }2 \! v
At the first week we met$ V) Y1 j) W! }
8 I& K5 r7 g! R
You have charm, you have looks8 U. _; p5 Y7 T9 J
with full of pimples in face+ H5 r/ f4 S  \( G
As spotting sky at a summer night
7 W5 v( {# R" W! yThey are shining stars
: ~& V. R% l2 c) [% x- V# `; x; z- ?% ~" _6 `' h
Your lip is so big6 r" F+ H: y) d1 ^0 v8 Z& f6 x7 }9 P
And that’s good for a kiss( h. k. p5 l: w
Your body is chubby: D* W9 b7 F" Q1 N% S
And that is good for sex
' F2 H& Y9 `! v/ L( v- [& w
: J) u9 a9 E0 Z  U, `7 cI was deeply in love
: r7 L& K, t/ l3 oEverything from you is positive
, y' f* I3 x+ ]. @You blame me everything and everyday% Y' o( f7 @0 I" \) S. i, r
And I think all girls sound like2 S9 Z0 m4 r" V4 F; _# w; z
' o3 K+ x$ {- u
You could not stand my eating
0 V) s1 }  a( e+ C" XSaying no good for making funny sound
0 S6 P0 j4 U1 A  @I think you are perfectly right5 v7 W" s, R' }& @3 }
Eating with sound is a pig$ G4 b! A8 B, _% x5 D# X
! {% o  |0 X3 ^
I fell in love with you
- x1 w0 K' _3 u! a( w5 CBecome a fool to think
4 E+ k. r6 t6 c) z% g) A5 F/ M/ D. v' BAll trouble things you did
+ p  o" ^) X% c" \7 f2 J* p: a/ ^9 e6 XAnd that is the price for love2 X. Q5 z& {1 p# i

! B2 w! w3 h$ k; j8 k6 x( pyou are deeply in love' R' ^. E2 r. m+ R, h5 i* j
Everything from me is negative+ P2 v% z0 }7 [+ a/ K& S7 S
"My man should be like this,8 H) l) G: G# C
and I am helping you to improve'
  i0 x- I; }! m7 ?% W& R" N) Q& A: L. P- r
You are loving me 0 h: t; c- r/ b0 R/ g3 A3 {2 U% T3 @
or that one in your mind?
% v/ u; k8 O2 L$ NMy mind is like a mud& g& E( a' h2 P" \
can be shaped whatever you want# k  k' w& _0 |5 o

( f' ?) ]- A2 J. M1 Q3 [unfortunalety not my heart( {; i' S$ q$ F6 Z- C3 `
It is slashed by you , b) a7 o) k/ q% o( U2 |# T
and I am seriously hurt! k* i$ M& y% i  b! P( r$ n
, @3 z  v7 X, N9 T% \
I will never love another 9 A% G$ T/ [7 v' ]& q0 m
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
$ K" T+ L0 V' emy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

( S. G3 O( w1 y! ]7 D- u$ Q' p
2 ]+ Y6 E5 F( e% i4 X, J- K* h咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
9 l3 ]+ G8 Q7 D$ O) Y不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
& R, w  N" Q: \i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.: D' x+ a. V9 w4 I: G# P# P  f9 v
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed7 f* b; t  c) T& ?9 `4 h
) z  R. v9 i+ c) \
with the charm,
; K; f3 E- h! Z- D+ o* \with the simles.
7 S' H1 l6 P( h; x* H( lI fell in love with you 4 p- z" r2 o; H: d3 U2 Z# M
In the first sign.- p/ d7 w! Q/ _  l/ O3 B
As spotting sky at a summer
- i% ]5 \- O" f8 {3 V8 \; }- ~7 M5 D3 y  Y6 U( e# p& c
Your lip is so soft 3 @8 W/ l6 z9 j5 r( P6 N
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss, v; G5 @, G+ A! E, h" s: D1 B
Your body is so sexy
$ W$ J% a! L5 uAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.! F, ~6 p- L; B/ \: w1 m, s( ^- h& A
9 }) r8 ]4 a6 N) \3 _" X( V) s: h
I am deeply in love! u; Z4 w, o+ T2 E& Z1 W
Everything from you is so charming6 [: d" V" d$ N, I3 ]1 h
although You r so picky for me   Y/ ]( _5 D' h9 I3 `1 _4 |5 p6 g
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.6 }6 a. |  E2 l7 f
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
8 [9 Z/ q" z. r1 c
' d# S7 Y3 D; Q) S0 g1 H9 Y: Z! T- [" O2 W* b
His hello is the end of her endings
( s# _% v: \; \/ n; S3 U9 v. C+ {6 uHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
* d# i6 X% F& B4 BHis hand would be hers to hold forever! V7 w* Z; X8 n, y( e: H, O
His forever is simply as her smile : Q" i- o# Q+ j, |; L% q
He said she was what was missing
& B) _- {* R4 pShe said instantly she knew4 V9 `! I3 |' V, a; T3 t/ K" g9 g0 ]
She was a question to be answered* O! C) E. Q% ?, P9 {% C4 R, q; c$ v
And his answer is
' C1 ^6 w! @' Y/ i- f; B9 F) b3 sI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas* ^; E% A" E/ x$ O
7 Y: b/ O# q' ~( F; A  x% k; A
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
$ Y6 s; e+ y8 X+ h; Z% [7 }0 p. ~- k0 J; k
It's amazing how I felt
$ Y1 M1 w6 B9 @( A' |6 [when I was with you
! O) R3 e" P& o* ~( LMy heart beat so fast6 T2 [! p! q- h% D. ]2 w
I looked at you and thought
# `; S4 [- q( d0 t  U8 VHoly Jesus, you were so cute
. Q+ f! S3 o6 z$ x$ _9 ~8 X& V8 I! v# Y) Z/ L% ~4 R" n
You left me without a word
0 W* q' J9 I# yI have nothing except my emptiness
  X' s$ x. R7 KMy mood is like a cloud: ~; M; W1 O6 i- ^+ _
How could it be dispersed?1 r8 A8 z- c0 C& `) e
2 j2 {8 ^- f- L- K/ J4 |
Feelings bite my heart 7 K6 y+ z' b' W6 L  b# w
You are the right one I wait
" w; W6 z) s# b  @! hIn the depth of my soul: |& [4 {, }* L: N: I. u
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美% F8 b1 C- l# Z6 ^# v' A
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 w4 Z6 P1 Y4 F6 _( b就和用中文写一次. z$ L/ h4 ^% f+ Z/ X2 W3 e. h  ~* n
阿,我爱你
, L2 W* b5 \7 M6 A" |你让我心跳好快
( E( c$ S$ Z' Z, K; R你让我脸发热
4 [8 R, A$ E  G$ f3 ]我爱上你的大嘴唇% R9 w9 X2 ^! w: Y* G: c
XXXXX* d: _% W0 B% F% P) d0 M
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?. g/ v1 T: H' d
* |. W  v& D# ~0 d: E; ^5 I/ n
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
/ }8 {$ C& a" y% ?. v至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ; z6 Z  j, T4 E7 E+ z4 y6 D8 B
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. u% I8 W% ~1 ]( P9 }你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; k. l# k* [# b4 `, g就和用中文写一次
& s( t1 ^$ c8 T* R, ~0 ~& B阿,我爱你
! s0 f0 m' w6 E; q你让我心跳好快
2 d2 h$ a) B, R0 u2 c你让我脸发热
3 u4 G% d; ^+ y0 k' o1 N) g% z+ E我爱上你的大嘴唇7 E; N& d; H) }( x9 l( b5 C
XXXXX
) W' _- h: y, G4 u+ [) U不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

$ \, ^( k  ^: {4 ^" p  \, ]3 L" [9 ~" |4 o+ @( h9 m
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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