我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
) a# Q* P9 w' s& @4 L3 r) ]4 u# }
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

2 Q0 v6 b& _4 ^% e8 w$ HYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
; Q2 G. \& _2 x2 ]9 D  v  T7 xAnd that is good for sex
  y. t" k: j6 l) ~6 j' A4 h+ s
I was deeply in love
6 M, ~+ W7 Z! f% vEverything from you is positive
3 R7 |5 U# u. nYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
( G# S- e7 V7 u
You could not stand my eating
; e+ E0 [; g4 h; x# n5 \7 cSaying no good for making funny sound
% `) M" C5 g0 u3 v+ Y, ZI think you are perfectly right
3 [' h7 A/ k: x% {; W8 @Eating with sound is a pig

9 K5 |* y  D6 II fell in love with you
% Z: b& d2 T) E  ]Become a fool to think
3 g8 F. n6 b" K$ dAll trouble things you did
& |7 T, y  M. W3 v9 x) oAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
" G* l4 }% V8 S/ w+ y) @"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
1 Z! R3 d3 t$ t( x% N9 @
4 H. E: t5 d+ `' }You are loving me
1 n) [3 W) s) Y' F) `6 sor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
' A# i/ W: [3 |8 J. U7 K; |" M; kcan be shaped whatever you want

* z4 ?0 x! V) v' H- ^unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
0 w1 ~5 C$ L% O8 Eand I am seriously hurt

2 x7 ]0 v" T* f1 Y% hI will never love another
; T! N& ^# b( |6 E! H$ LIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

( e2 D( Q4 C8 \/ u4 s8 Z9 P  F咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
7 ?1 @! M4 B& y% \And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
, b2 D1 p( H0 g9 r6 L6 [9 uwith the simles.
% D, R$ B% Q) B( z% H" ?5 L2 V% JI fell in love with you
  f0 ?/ J. d- w8 h+ |& dIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
5 m9 ^% I6 ?# C7 t. ?
) I: }/ m- G. ?" T' X8 o  MYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
* x3 U0 A3 P: }- Z0 A. [* P# R$ WYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

6 S1 y- e. @, Q4 Y6 V8 ]I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
+ C# e. T, z4 zAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
0 j3 ~( M+ w1 l* E3 B, C$ @But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
; x, ~! S, Z% x2 r$ v0 A2 E

! X6 }; ~; q7 R+ @7 p1 ^) D0 ~His hello is the end of her endings
6 r) k+ L( P+ S+ o. j- bHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ y! {. H* q6 Q$ w& s" [7 d1 W5 rHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
, F% I* ~! c; D  {And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

5 i* w+ U" a8 a# a+ a2 @) V- pBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
0 p9 b+ ]) C* D9 {0 k
% V" Y2 |, r6 o& {" R' i  J& \It's amazing how I felt
$ A& U9 t: i* U" j. e# Uwhen I was with you
7 q$ W4 Z/ U9 p5 W, U- L/ ~My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
% D7 L3 U) a/ q0 ~9 K# H( W8 _. |Holy Jesus, you were so cute
, \4 ^1 ]! i8 e) j+ k
% g5 e9 y7 ~& f: ?; a6 i( AYou left me without a word
0 z+ D0 }  B% t6 @I have nothing except my emptiness
$ c8 [9 i# x  P8 `# d9 ]/ vMy mood is like a cloud
. m0 [/ ^6 Q+ X2 k/ O% k* @; UHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
. q" f8 C) w- OYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
% d( L8 [* q6 u& A) {你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
3 S( k! }( g* v) i- E* BXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
0 c' U& u/ T) g) P8 B- \
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
, p$ o& G' n$ G! k( i% f5 E至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
+ ]8 g: Q. m" L' d% q7 n闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 O- |/ T3 T$ e) ]" s) E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 `; _. [) _5 B7 ], _就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
( P  M1 t/ T3 N, A. k你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
3 b) z4 ~+ v. p+ h3 r我爱上你的大嘴唇
# x: S2 {* f4 [) L1 z3 C& o5 j0 RXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
! a6 L$ h: n9 S4 _/ U( ?+ i

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。