我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

* e0 A8 K6 I2 n1 ^8 B; r/ z* N+ qI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
. K8 m1 m7 C4 b4 G& U. z2 n
You have charm, you have looks
) k5 N; W" I- L1 ~  Bwith full of pimples in face
: p0 I# d( {/ d* Q8 `" XAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
8 _% f1 X, q2 K# l4 X
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
5 n, B& M7 X1 u: ~% h; BYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
& }6 |  I1 e6 e: V6 z4 b' K
I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
* r$ s! {6 h1 c9 g! ^5 IYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

+ `0 C2 a$ k4 n1 A  _You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
/ B( j- X( g- w! F* l! y7 \. DBecome a fool to think
! v" d4 ~2 w6 q4 L& v7 j% jAll trouble things you did
) f* r) X8 O/ k3 N/ |8 c) ?And that is the price for love
$ H* G2 o5 `+ w
you are deeply in love
, a6 F' z0 B0 P' W3 y( t, P. W$ dEverything from me is negative
0 a- |$ i9 O- v' f4 b"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
. G- a5 ~: ^+ Z& Q8 N* H
: U) `. n5 b, Z4 ]- q1 nYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
" h0 L+ Y. V. T1 q+ ]My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
" S, z& {, T1 B) ]4 i1 D. j
8 L: |4 L5 b7 i" ]unfortunalety not my heart
% }$ O7 @5 h2 c9 BIt is slashed by you
3 G# ]# z, F) K  X# b6 O0 M" tand I am seriously hurt
' m; [7 g# k& l" X% D* F
+ L3 B& j; q5 u. MI will never love another
6 Y0 l, v: J, QIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

8 P5 j! F7 M( {: b3 z$ \咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
# s6 B, X4 j( f$ M, [8 s' f不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
, h( h8 Q* M! p+ D' H
. J; b7 ?& G# R! n- q, ^4 j! d! ?( p3 Swith the charm,
with the simles.
  e) e) g8 F. ~  k. g, {: g% LI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 I) K: m3 D. |0 jYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

4 A8 r8 C+ b2 F4 X6 ^+ hI am deeply in love
9 o% ?, [- {' H" {5 XEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
% W, Z3 P" z( }And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
. X, _$ ]  d+ r! M, @, rBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

3 K9 p# \0 f7 O; n( R% [
$ i, n! e: s( UHis hello is the end of her endings
  {2 H3 P$ |( H* [" DHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
' t8 }1 k: F5 Q4 W% p6 N% z% XHe said she was what was missing
3 h, P/ X" l8 P- c3 Q+ `She said instantly she knew
! g' m9 r- Y% K! o6 L" X  DShe was a question to be answered
8 L; I) i' ?) UAnd his answer is
7 {- n* H6 o: s7 lI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

' V8 Q1 _3 s# i; KBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
) D! U0 Z' |- B( ^+ {3 n1 {7 e& O( Dwhen I was with you
/ y( `6 }) H2 C( A) b9 ~My heart beat so fast
2 \4 f9 I' d, l/ Q. W' h+ wI looked at you and thought
# `9 `( Z( L$ ?Holy Jesus, you were so cute
8 S8 m; g5 m' U$ O
3 B' C5 ?* K# Q4 m2 \$ ^You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
" Q, X/ Y' o" u- M. }. S5 k) ?1 C! R2 eMy mood is like a cloud
+ {, ~8 e+ M. ]How could it be dispersed?
) t: ]" Z( A/ F& T5 [2 B8 v
& o' C2 ^+ _& r' F% nFeelings bite my heart
5 Z! V. d; P+ n- _: P# ?You are the right one I wait
0 ^' s& u) P* H! {% N* K. kIn the depth of my soul
# ?' f# T/ |% A; E/ PI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
5 H& \7 {# E3 |: A- m: Y1 Z阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
& n( W; ^. n; s$ K! o1 LXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
& ?6 p! e4 P  s7 R1 r) m" m闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
8 z$ J4 D  W/ N5 f  O' O你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! ?4 ~) G$ x7 @% \( k就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
6 x3 i. I1 {0 Q你让我脸发热
; [% r$ a; a7 ^我爱上你的大嘴唇
& y  I( s& T7 J/ k; }5 E9 MXXXXX
' E5 {) S  u+ ~- u6 c不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

9 J4 [4 C( M  `/ X靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
) [9 R5 Y0 K+ F/ p% T/ }: m* Z

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。