我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
3 S; H+ D9 g4 I' W, q0 q, N
7 [6 `9 b/ z  t- y9 j+ L6 S- s3 X! T7 `I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

" w+ q' V5 j( b7 ?9 Z2 dYou have charm, you have looks
+ Z4 R8 d- u8 D4 J. W* |with full of pimples in face
: S; N/ i' b  [% v. RAs spotting sky at a summer night
2 B& o8 Q% d( T: wThey are shining stars

Your lip is so big
+ N- M+ Q/ B" y; p, c! _And that’s good for a kiss
  t4 @6 M  a- |& n* k+ \Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
5 N: h7 R0 T+ T# n. g  Z
I was deeply in love
7 c) c" E9 h4 Q. T* H5 u9 P: nEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
4 h1 V9 X" T4 _8 X, A/ O
- C8 h" \8 H$ |: ~You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
" X3 g. {. b6 Z1 cI think you are perfectly right
6 }7 E! S! O7 G7 mEating with sound is a pig

4 n2 a8 G2 {2 k- R* g5 ?& [I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
, G* `) Y6 ], g( C% v! g+ ]2 L
& C/ ?+ l! z% }5 h5 Ayou are deeply in love
  T  D3 `+ A4 e* D- s4 D. c- QEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
2 K. @4 y# T7 l( `and I am helping you to improve'
5 B% d' G$ @' B. {# x1 ~2 z
You are loving me
/ i  F! _2 u( C' m0 Y5 `  S, T; [0 Nor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
5 E* v; z- }' f, z+ G  U
# \% w6 P, w8 d/ ]5 N& Q* uunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
$ x) E* f' N6 K: s4 y! z* N) iand I am seriously hurt
. T; U, _  F1 Z, Z2 B# h
I will never love another
' P$ B- z8 S" f& I0 ]If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
+ D  g3 m6 X# f# ^/ @my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

& |& O9 F$ k, ~
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
  B) e% U1 {0 ?4 F' l0 G: B/ `* e  Vi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
- F. F' x5 R3 M' y* T' ]0 M, \
' H5 x9 _8 d+ Twith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
* `: W7 w1 w0 `) `- z) c- sAs spotting sky at a summer

' P! R$ O; u6 ?* @0 ?Your lip is so soft
8 }3 I9 }4 a# z% X8 Ethere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
, f* {" ]8 b& ], `- C4 N; wAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

$ w- C2 E3 d' v  V
His hello is the end of her endings
3 P- k+ |7 T1 K0 r4 _1 THer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
4 k5 }0 [  J. K' y5 g& Q- w  Q! C3 v3 vHis forever is simply as her smile
, ^0 o2 L. m* L: B6 E6 G8 KHe said she was what was missing
$ M6 k" j/ ^- A1 H6 C, g4 k$ A! k/ KShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
/ C4 R7 x: b, v/ S, z1 s+ VI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
1 q0 {& j, U( C. P
6 ^5 a3 A/ J+ |4 l/ HBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
' _7 P' P9 q' ^7 r: q6 ]1 T, XMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
, Q  Z1 `$ |3 h6 k' iI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
6 N- d  A4 ~* L
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
( v( T8 U2 h5 xIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" V. b- ^5 R1 d$ h就和用中文写一次
" L9 y- u& Q6 B6 P5 c阿,我爱你
; ^6 L+ x) Q. ?9 a! ]; }% |$ F你让我心跳好快
* ]5 |  N9 C2 `+ e  `* Y! h7 W你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
; |1 ^, t' ?3 _" V不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
  V# u+ }2 E: w) Z- @3 T$ \. a2 S
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
; Q9 @0 i: H( p# {* S6 N至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
* p6 A8 z' s& r- ?闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ h$ J4 m7 D+ @& t5 j6 V1 r) e+ Q就和用中文写一次
* R4 \# X  l- U8 j2 N阿,我爱你
& M2 D; `1 O# a$ i你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
% t6 J2 ]4 i0 v: T3 a$ P6 O" |XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。