我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
9 d( V5 O+ s1 Z6 w6 d8 c5 N
7 ~9 E$ [* I  h1 {$ M1 EI fell in love with you
# A! \% [' q; _$ J1 N* RAt the first week we met
% F( e- Z2 A0 R' E- T# t2 C* U
- E) s1 w' b2 FYou have charm, you have looks
7 {: N5 {; h* wwith full of pimples in face
# q2 P* Y3 X' d; w2 pAs spotting sky at a summer night
* U* q# U: C+ UThey are shining stars
: G" {- x  k. |' ]- S" ^# l! Z! B& R
1 V1 W; Y$ k( F6 p" qYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
6 X% r! V+ t% `. O& n+ HYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
5 O( n6 {' |( X5 S9 X5 c% j
I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
8 n! f' r5 @1 }- B  D4 ~5 u  eAnd I think all girls sound like

: J  y( l/ @4 p* M( f/ z/ ]You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
- v; Z7 n2 Q( a! N7 B4 SI think you are perfectly right
# e" W1 n! w2 V& \) X7 ~Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
' O  B0 `6 }4 P* t/ p, F% w: TAnd that is the price for love
* z9 A. Q9 m: r! l3 z6 f0 ~
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
" m2 x( x3 G$ k$ B"My man should be like this,
9 s  V9 R$ n. O6 jand I am helping you to improve'

/ J8 v& ^* S# @2 [5 f6 Y9 h+ TYou are loving me
2 |5 e! z' Z2 M$ n6 Oor that one in your mind?
" v3 V/ i8 I/ N( C6 l: n6 vMy mind is like a mud
+ s5 g! e' O/ ocan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

: v; ?5 M+ c/ w$ L4 rI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
1 E' E) e2 I8 ]7 h1 Omy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

& V2 t- Z. F+ A, @' Q. o/ ~9 Q. i: U$ Z
1 Y7 g3 H& `5 @; x6 ?# S. J咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
( r; q4 H$ o: e' X) O) V不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
' M4 @# F+ ^# ~% D: C; ?And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
% j) }! s8 |, v6 H( [2 A
/ @$ }$ r- ]4 {with the charm,
with the simles.
# Q& t4 b6 T; U6 Y/ vI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
9 M% y! Z* R! Q3 A* @there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
9 k- \2 @7 v: w2 n  U" z/ OYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

/ z) u8 Y% G# U% @2 o/ y" TI am deeply in love
0 _0 k) N+ _' a# a4 @5 }Everything from you is so charming
$ U1 U) Q! u5 _% P8 Dalthough You r so picky for me
- Y) {8 V1 ^' ~* Z5 W* [# KAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


3 e! \" m1 C6 g/ NHis hello is the end of her endings
9 P( O& D2 q+ LHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
/ z& h! P1 M0 m7 O, C- ^+ fHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
, m1 X3 m  O. O4 T3 k5 TShe was a question to be answered
* [! `9 O1 V# }+ Q3 P) J, FAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

2 _0 N2 @" c, b% B$ f( i: D$ [9 X/ lBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
4 }+ J+ l: c0 @6 T% E* n$ d# c& I
It's amazing how I felt
6 @8 d5 `& T- e( w: ~5 Gwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
6 r' y, k& ^, \
7 G% v& V( }( sYou left me without a word
$ ]- Z: ^% j* B4 @( ~) x" i5 P# ]I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
1 I7 M  B" Y1 k9 Q( f. e
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
; |9 [) T2 [, ^4 Z) GIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 u, ~8 w1 ?' ]8 A你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, H& G% D1 e" E/ {/ ?" U就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
' S) i/ V$ e/ ~( |你让我脸发热
: E+ b; g5 I' n' V9 q$ `2 k  t0 R我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 U' F& A. D/ a  A( m! a) R" ]$ JXXXXX
! `. C, Q2 h$ Q0 g7 R' M" Z不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
6 S; }, ?: C& Z  V' w6 V
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
  h8 K$ u& ]; X3 i& K! f闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% S8 p4 @, d; ?9 f2 R- O就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
! L9 i, T) w/ O你让我心跳好快
  w: j3 @/ e% _你让我脸发热
9 h7 b, b. s! z, p, M* M我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
$ t& \  u9 e3 {% [9 e/ U: R

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。