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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
$ }; Q; y+ D0 j5 @1 t* ~- l/ Y4 u! \1 L0 V& r1 n
I fell in love with you ' N4 }: ?6 s  w
At the first week we met" Y$ E1 L1 ?% F. k' H6 k, v

7 o7 n2 F( M/ ]; RYou have charm, you have looks
, ^  ~& q$ p$ U6 C" s+ X6 swith full of pimples in face$ c# Q1 L2 g( g. J; s. \
As spotting sky at a summer night8 }, {% I, S% r
They are shining stars' o6 b0 F6 G' f6 w% T
& L! u* m# i0 s+ w" o7 b5 a
Your lip is so big
+ k! H( n7 Y! e- k1 eAnd that’s good for a kiss6 }3 _( L& c/ h
Your body is chubby
- t( }. i4 ?, a7 _# j0 U7 e! w4 dAnd that is good for sex
+ J. @/ v6 h, r) t9 F& ?' _8 J. K7 J! Z* b# }0 w7 A
I was deeply in love
9 J3 P9 h, P- Y& a( j& A; K# Q, {" rEverything from you is positive9 Q* A% W5 F& B1 G8 ^  }% g  y, Y
You blame me everything and everyday6 `6 l' _7 Y2 ^+ \
And I think all girls sound like8 ]4 x. J. `: L: E6 w

/ z$ C2 F9 N6 H' q6 F6 x) B4 u  MYou could not stand my eating4 p0 ^0 C; a4 q
Saying no good for making funny sound7 R* C$ V3 t; Y1 h4 X4 {
I think you are perfectly right
+ }. |/ ~4 i5 k, vEating with sound is a pig
- I/ y$ P" i) X, N5 w, z) s: X. R0 Q* w
I fell in love with you
( g" e: w. _: Z2 F: v9 TBecome a fool to think. z5 M4 x5 G: n/ U2 Y2 G1 a. V
All trouble things you did( Y! t8 k. U8 Y4 t, G
And that is the price for love
( s  A! a' P9 x$ q' T6 _
9 k4 r! `6 ?" tyou are deeply in love
; q- j/ P& X1 W, A) y2 aEverything from me is negative
; L8 m  T3 f  |7 l$ |! p. d& k& B: ]4 e"My man should be like this,) L' B# v* l6 Y2 |& Y
and I am helping you to improve'% q1 p6 c0 }5 Y6 n8 ~

6 `7 y! Q" ?1 ^  L0 j8 NYou are loving me 0 x, u6 N$ @+ @& q
or that one in your mind?. p- H4 u7 B2 V& c1 m8 D( ]
My mind is like a mud
8 p; {* y4 e. q6 `. a: Lcan be shaped whatever you want* l4 [( z7 m2 K' b+ E, G, S

+ ?. q% U# v" N0 N1 ?; r! Gunfortunalety not my heart
4 A3 a# m1 H, A; u7 z3 @It is slashed by you 7 g1 c; B" x7 {# d2 t7 d# X
and I am seriously hurt
+ x' c6 A% j# f: R) h$ n
4 l( N- @* m3 \$ q, [I will never love another
$ @+ a. S, `$ _4 @! \  E. G, M8 fIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
7 W. }2 B2 @; z! {my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

8 B) g/ q2 r; \: w2 z. N# h4 e- B& }. |4 X+ ^/ _' x% B0 P
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 ?$ j  Q1 G# W不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
/ l' T. H( _3 H, S4 }  N& @i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 g% p5 q- U$ _( J0 PAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
# `" P2 Q1 |+ n4 d% D& v! O: q" p1 I7 x: u+ h9 n* N2 z4 M
with the charm,
1 q0 C* d% `/ @. B" K( H2 wwith the simles.8 d, h2 u5 W4 D
I fell in love with you
! D& u2 ?5 [% p" L7 C1 p5 AIn the first sign.
8 d( c3 P, Q1 v$ R; LAs spotting sky at a summer
) [$ V9 Q! q  P2 J% W1 H* _2 I+ L4 J1 C( V4 a. {
Your lip is so soft
: x% n* O, d" fthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss. L. L/ l; U+ [( w# y. m) k
Your body is so sexy& m" ^) Q0 _: ?; T. z4 f& Q
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.  b; x. j9 X4 z6 i" _1 `$ a: \
+ U5 g# ^1 r4 h9 e$ Z: v( c
I am deeply in love9 z! [* y4 P; }
Everything from you is so charming
- r; ]1 K) K6 ~2 K& V1 ]although You r so picky for me ; v) N& f8 q; N
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.1 o2 m( d! I: r) D4 q' K
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem6 ^3 T4 f7 S2 J2 \: H, A' S. P  X( y
! Y0 B# U1 V2 f( \. D4 ^9 n, P

) A5 c" ]6 f/ wHis hello is the end of her endings
" y, u& ]6 @6 v! |9 ~Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( [* z) V3 A+ S; g, e1 M6 Z4 KHis hand would be hers to hold forever
5 H& S5 b5 Z4 V, ~' `4 Z$ i: m+ L9 IHis forever is simply as her smile
% ]) D* p: u, m$ QHe said she was what was missing
* B% I# G0 V) n! n1 X# g7 v# e' iShe said instantly she knew) f" V7 q7 b; m% }2 q- S) {
She was a question to be answered9 m; f9 G& i1 `! S2 {
And his answer is
8 Q3 N9 m3 S! e+ k- b& f2 wI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas! j% @$ t+ O) q" ]; f

& D# V1 f( G. [* b) ?/ N2 V+ zBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
9 W# g1 x/ A( X4 x3 B
& Z6 g2 R! i5 M6 ~+ u: ]It's amazing how I felt , _! H# h8 y6 o. o4 ?9 k
when I was with you4 o7 u, b5 H6 {& j- B" C* I
My heart beat so fast6 i* E2 r: o5 J0 `, n, W  u$ \
I looked at you and thought
/ `0 B+ Q8 W( ]* n4 ~- A' ZHoly Jesus, you were so cute7 |: y4 `9 t$ e: U/ T3 m/ a1 Z- e/ @

  ]% O$ w3 b+ I/ m% [You left me without a word3 O* J& s5 E. Y0 l4 b/ Y
I have nothing except my emptiness
7 J' n* k4 f- DMy mood is like a cloud. e  e4 q  }+ _  w! t' x4 q- |
How could it be dispersed?
; Q. k$ b" g5 ]* T& r4 K9 g3 K3 z: o7 j  d
Feelings bite my heart
8 H. j* s* a% A3 o( h+ ^/ T0 y' ]You are the right one I wait9 x4 k0 k) m  s5 O
In the depth of my soul$ e5 X) X, A3 w( X, R5 ~
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, k: f1 n4 s9 x. c5 t你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 O; v8 s' i; k% t1 x" V就和用中文写一次
. k- d1 W; e8 W% j4 R! b阿,我爱你" S( ?8 ]" {5 V5 O1 p* t
你让我心跳好快; c7 |' k$ D, p& x8 N
你让我脸发热
6 w/ K6 T/ ?9 m; y- N9 T我爱上你的大嘴唇6 u1 }" l% E+ l; I' S* t% Y
XXXXX
. d, Y6 r: e0 }- n* U) l不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?& {: O5 v7 c4 T1 n8 A7 H$ I
8 H4 u$ O" E7 z; K
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER- t' T9 \9 d9 G6 A2 k+ D
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 3 }% [. h% e% S) s/ \: r  B
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美; y2 j9 h" w- A7 `
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 o% z( {2 V0 x* ~, s
就和用中文写一次: h; o9 B9 g( ]9 W/ Q
阿,我爱你
4 O5 `1 N0 p7 a3 L你让我心跳好快
" F$ `# Y+ h1 Y$ e/ \你让我脸发热
7 ?. {; O" y6 |& z* f& ]我爱上你的大嘴唇$ e" ^8 K9 `! A& p7 n/ G
XXXXX
4 b8 I" b4 m  t" Y$ J9 Z; `不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
* l4 V3 ~1 D' c) O

4 T, ^, ^5 K/ b- B& q2 ]8 Q* `) O* A2 W靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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