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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love( E  p/ [: W$ u+ F6 l

% B0 U2 ^  x( o$ G6 KI fell in love with you ' e% s/ U4 J4 P& ^3 U7 e9 g  H
At the first week we met
! I/ r+ d2 k% H; q$ t% n" `" e% \5 O# k
You have charm, you have looks+ S' F  J' V: _2 R8 l
with full of pimples in face2 C" I6 `3 l0 t' C# o7 A1 P) p
As spotting sky at a summer night
# V. \0 g5 [' s! OThey are shining stars$ A0 ^5 Q& s  J9 H1 `" q, R

. n1 W, Y9 W. P1 sYour lip is so big+ o0 M. C# X+ J8 U* G" W
And that’s good for a kiss! \. F, X1 L# y$ o: V
Your body is chubby
  Z: l3 M/ \8 V% CAnd that is good for sex3 b: w& j' e% b, ~6 o

, C  `# c! }' mI was deeply in love
1 U2 y3 ]9 w) n: G2 XEverything from you is positive. m4 f7 L! T: x# j) s
You blame me everything and everyday. u4 v( i4 K2 v7 R$ `0 [/ Q
And I think all girls sound like7 r+ d1 h# P! s0 ~6 E5 D
* L1 |8 I- W/ g2 M0 y
You could not stand my eating
1 T6 v# T3 Y5 aSaying no good for making funny sound
& L0 w+ N) u' G( r: KI think you are perfectly right
1 a% U3 J. e" g( E# D$ f; q7 F$ pEating with sound is a pig" E  ^/ q/ w2 V, D4 v- A/ z' n
8 h/ X# T. N3 m6 T% `  R) A
I fell in love with you , P! q8 `: _$ A
Become a fool to think
6 W9 S: U" v2 r# S; y! DAll trouble things you did
% V7 \& Y& K- h% n; C, HAnd that is the price for love$ }$ k' E- R( k5 _" O
! }! A7 m- @8 c' w! z
you are deeply in love
* Y$ \, q5 z7 I3 Y, `0 UEverything from me is negative
, b" {$ f5 u, g( l1 F9 ]* D"My man should be like this,
0 m) `3 G% {$ m' land I am helping you to improve'/ A. t2 r  ]: c* K) E! t2 U: s
7 x- Z5 Z6 {  H8 D: v* z6 W
You are loving me 0 K; L. g! `" C9 s5 c$ A; {
or that one in your mind?
2 P3 L8 N0 @5 c6 t& Z) A7 a/ _My mind is like a mud5 H# ^" ]  g/ M4 P7 J, _
can be shaped whatever you want$ L  r7 Z3 `, _6 j$ V  L, [
' Z  m# u; O3 {" i8 p
unfortunalety not my heart
9 L0 r/ _% ~# i" jIt is slashed by you
( |  r: Y4 M% e6 s+ Q: Iand I am seriously hurt
. B2 B4 p" G( _* j6 L
, D8 T* d$ m2 dI will never love another
1 h- |4 I" u" `' N, s) XIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
4 n. J" E: p2 H/ _# V& }$ Rmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
5 ^5 a& p& l4 x, J' [- F- H
: t+ l( R" D: w) q; @2 D& N3 F) A: w
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
! D: B) v( [+ y) C1 @不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
0 m, U& Q3 L; S2 C4 p1 Xi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.1 ^# |7 d; y) \
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed# R; }% v0 P8 R0 B! G

3 q+ l! l- t7 O( W4 H5 \9 Twith the charm,7 \& q" ^: t9 Q+ D
with the simles.& K4 `+ h" m+ W  }1 c9 @8 P
I fell in love with you - J4 _  R/ g. U: D' b7 E6 l
In the first sign.
3 C3 ?  n* V! E% l# C) {As spotting sky at a summer
0 }1 s8 f' t# O# c* S% g& x. w+ |* k9 }, z
Your lip is so soft
/ T' X6 H- R& }0 Kthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss$ l- z: E" t1 f) b0 M; m! D" n0 _
Your body is so sexy
2 N& l8 O8 {- x2 N) LAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
/ d, s7 }% u" ^; D' u/ r
& w8 _9 q) _5 C: e: q" lI am deeply in love
# C, ~6 [& q/ G9 x* ?Everything from you is so charming5 `5 s5 l( q1 M! g/ T9 _
although You r so picky for me - y1 D/ K% b4 f0 O, i$ P
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
0 _6 K5 A4 J* D9 k$ j1 RBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
% }8 v7 e6 M& A6 d5 M5 T4 Q5 |- J
5 A/ e& j9 W1 J' B5 q7 y1 r, F+ K2 _. K; K
His hello is the end of her endings: w  Y# N3 z- |. ]0 _, T6 B
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle1 R3 R; S" \2 j
His hand would be hers to hold forever
' D* N# u; `/ W3 Y6 d% }, nHis forever is simply as her smile : t: U8 w: B$ \# g, I
He said she was what was missing
' b& c) u! q6 S+ A  Z* {/ M7 S. ]  MShe said instantly she knew
- a8 W5 f; P# u) x; Z5 NShe was a question to be answered
  @- t' W- m" W5 I$ L1 \And his answer is $ X* x- ?! M. K3 s# s0 a% ]
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
& R, Q9 C0 X- Z$ B# N
' X; \3 v' l: ]6 FBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
9 H+ |1 Y6 K; K" [1 |: m& D* ?# c) Q% o9 \2 f
It's amazing how I felt . O1 D% O! P5 F( j1 I
when I was with you! Q& o4 O7 [# W$ B' }6 |
My heart beat so fast  p# ]* I- o4 y+ R# k& Y+ f9 R6 K
I looked at you and thought$ l3 [1 i9 I; J, G5 l
Holy Jesus, you were so cute. ]: O7 I: h3 b+ y# `* x

, l* F: F. ?6 e; V. QYou left me without a word) o; N" v/ w: ~2 R
I have nothing except my emptiness
$ ~1 N7 U* q) |My mood is like a cloud2 f& m" h$ O( m4 x9 ]
How could it be dispersed?( @: B. y3 X0 R; M. q0 }
1 R% a2 d& B8 h4 ~* V& H4 l
Feelings bite my heart 0 F+ k. Y- P0 X# U
You are the right one I wait
2 ?7 q. q  M- m7 i1 m9 @In the depth of my soul
0 D8 B6 D3 t. [I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; J1 q0 k  g1 _9 o8 B) W. z9 O你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道0 ~& }: |! o# i9 b* T+ k
就和用中文写一次  F2 H+ J# [" ^/ Z
阿,我爱你
0 U" t9 e  m8 i' d& f( `8 s: S你让我心跳好快' x7 }+ y; ^8 a
你让我脸发热
# Y8 w, p% Q* n8 L# A5 p我爱上你的大嘴唇4 m1 r6 n& ?2 ]2 Q
XXXXX
2 J  W! v, S9 }  J4 S' K% R不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?$ a5 w9 T0 o  }' U6 k
" R& H" `6 D/ O0 ?6 [% _
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER% |, ~; k5 A4 d) g$ @
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
9 S" S5 _' u' G: h) n& p+ y闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美+ K- i. [1 ?0 }1 X+ d# L6 C, \6 B
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道2 K& j( _/ b3 b1 a
就和用中文写一次& _1 Y/ f% `& d% J1 ^
阿,我爱你6 D; S) z, |7 Z- [" {
你让我心跳好快" F- d0 R' u/ ~4 R
你让我脸发热
/ W5 A' @3 X9 a* e1 `: ]/ |* ?我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 R7 ?4 F, V1 B$ I9 J" @4 P# YXXXXX+ b: _! u( P8 h: y( f& @
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

" B$ @* C0 J2 b( h) l; e0 d; k. l7 ~) f0 T, ^2 C' V" R3 T; d4 ^9 h3 G
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.% }: ~5 q& L2 `
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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