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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
# X  e- J* t6 P0 W) p( e& q6 b+ _  D3 }7 x" q, X' O! z, W0 }7 ?* ^' f& ?3 l
I fell in love with you
& z9 s) ]( A! D# T2 h- P0 s8 m, ?At the first week we met
0 m1 t$ R$ M/ i' E. V
0 E5 @& k9 _. L  H; p3 a5 W' JYou have charm, you have looks
- x! L, l" k$ ]9 e; r0 v/ N% b& w! rwith full of pimples in face; i# a: K' P* y* s' n
As spotting sky at a summer night
- q- M+ g" M* p0 _They are shining stars
% [! D/ n( I* k* C' u& ^3 O+ L$ u
. @: K) x& p, r6 m+ p6 dYour lip is so big# O, u/ B/ K& V! K7 X- j1 N$ b$ t8 ~  t
And that’s good for a kiss! v% `: V/ H; h, E/ `; k# ?% T0 Y
Your body is chubby  j8 k2 `/ M2 _5 x3 z. C, Z7 T5 ]
And that is good for sex+ T) K5 k8 m7 a8 _2 e

" p, S6 m. \8 y3 BI was deeply in love
! G) G# v) }0 z* g* }Everything from you is positive: P. m3 |- J$ p: w7 m* V
You blame me everything and everyday
2 j! z. X7 l1 E0 ?6 J  l6 A" AAnd I think all girls sound like
( H( D( \8 z- P( ^4 m
: d1 v& e# T& i. ^6 XYou could not stand my eating
& `6 L% {2 w9 G0 b4 ZSaying no good for making funny sound
' I5 ]; x  i% N4 x: \9 r# T3 }! lI think you are perfectly right
2 X  O% e8 ^" Q% C, bEating with sound is a pig
+ X6 }7 h0 }  j9 N6 Z, _+ ?4 }6 x* V: D; q+ t' O# b( `" v9 `# m% |
I fell in love with you 4 H0 u3 z3 ?  G5 I' v
Become a fool to think- T. Z# ~$ s+ i, z
All trouble things you did1 O5 U: L( ~7 n! L' Y6 y! |) `
And that is the price for love; Z& \& Q# [. _% e1 f5 r; l3 S1 {& \
4 c+ O0 C+ m4 V- m4 S% V& N
you are deeply in love- C3 U* R# V: S
Everything from me is negative  y2 t0 r5 T2 V0 p5 u7 V
"My man should be like this,1 @9 b1 x( w  }0 n
and I am helping you to improve'
' n! z& n5 X; X9 s
/ g$ b; j1 P7 d+ iYou are loving me 1 _. p( ?/ f( d; Z
or that one in your mind?( @' I  W# [* T
My mind is like a mud+ P$ k* L; e- A$ \( x2 ?. n
can be shaped whatever you want
( Z" G" _9 B" v. `. A( M# K: }6 [' J. V( a! Y6 ~
unfortunalety not my heart
& s6 Y( x* a) V& uIt is slashed by you
& u- `: R1 q$ e3 C2 nand I am seriously hurt, C4 }# D( Q' Z! P+ Z9 Z
  K' m+ m! U) F  @: _- ]/ P
I will never love another 1 o/ J  x* s7 R" U- z; O. S
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 7 f& S# u% v8 S. ~1 z# e; E
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
7 r7 V  Q  Q5 A7 ^( n8 B5 c
& V1 i; A: I+ E) F) p, F) H
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!& {0 a- }# R2 x
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
$ G; e- ~0 G* ?/ ~; G% zi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.1 ^6 e2 n! ]% d; [/ b; ]3 k
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed- N7 [7 ^0 L% l$ m9 @7 n5 m; T

7 M7 ^$ W7 h5 Z/ S' V) uwith the charm,& k" G* W" f& b# v: P
with the simles.
7 f" v8 C+ T$ W/ A* P0 f- ^/ N0 |, rI fell in love with you
; q8 H& C* G6 z- S" d( rIn the first sign.% d- ]  a) k  r  _% b; g
As spotting sky at a summer
; f, I& E2 R  B. w( E. i4 P
: u! y4 h: S5 A% B/ P0 Y0 SYour lip is so soft 4 C% J* @0 j0 Z0 C. H3 A
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
# C. e, S% ~# G* h/ gYour body is so sexy
! j( ~3 i  t4 Z7 YAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.+ g6 g6 H: Q4 ]: x* c7 g! a

. w$ b7 O) c# r% jI am deeply in love
# o5 ?2 o( @& u- A4 HEverything from you is so charming! Z6 M& H3 ^9 n3 q- x$ U
although You r so picky for me % \" [! z# e% F/ a/ _9 K
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
9 @- v( k4 e7 S3 g+ Q* uBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem! t; {+ y+ f1 w" {

2 f: P- y5 }. d& w# X8 `: |! I4 X5 D% A5 G% _4 @7 a, M
His hello is the end of her endings: M  {* P( V& Y0 N) K- V/ J, Z& _. H1 ^% c
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle5 m' D2 P2 t) m/ A8 p9 X" z
His hand would be hers to hold forever
* j7 x( X2 B! d/ N$ n- DHis forever is simply as her smile ; q: l% T3 F. q3 Z  }9 a3 I# {
He said she was what was missing
0 @  U' Z& d3 {* VShe said instantly she knew
8 X* x5 w) C3 dShe was a question to be answered- S; u' f1 U  ?2 ?- ^  N
And his answer is 0 e% g: Q3 |: n+ P9 k
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas$ j. t" i5 H5 }& [0 ~# `( K7 L

7 n4 Y" x9 c. Y8 d- wBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt( w" f9 s% a/ u1 |
  G$ E( H) J, E* b8 m1 q0 ?$ e
It's amazing how I felt 2 W: x" C) t. X& ~! ]: D
when I was with you
! Y) |" K  i- U1 CMy heart beat so fast" V* R7 v- k8 b2 }; G) [
I looked at you and thought" T# ~& Q4 w! n
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
" t& H4 x; r& X
1 X3 N- U8 c- g5 L/ {7 `1 v( ZYou left me without a word7 b0 y9 i: K* R
I have nothing except my emptiness- t( b3 a$ ^6 B* v5 k
My mood is like a cloud
8 i5 v) w8 ]& s* [& t- oHow could it be dispersed?
" @4 {! C1 j7 E* S/ `) Q* o" J, ?
, C+ G) c+ l, F/ ^- X# s- OFeelings bite my heart
9 D5 w1 x: X7 b- XYou are the right one I wait
* O$ J4 M& G9 Q; K- Y( PIn the depth of my soul+ m2 n2 d! \6 c2 g
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美% J- C: e# ]& P  @6 d
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道: n% r, c  Z8 V5 U
就和用中文写一次# C; ~. }5 p; x9 |  r* {. f* I
阿,我爱你
9 O6 H& e( Q2 U& Y你让我心跳好快
5 G2 \. v9 W$ B. P你让我脸发热5 T: C! k+ b7 x& U9 C! ^
我爱上你的大嘴唇8 Q$ ~, Q! V" H3 }; t, Z
XXXXX
$ C% s6 I* F: C3 z8 U0 \不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?' R; d2 v+ r# P3 C

% {& A4 x- M1 T9 a7 y& n( G4 J2 `如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
( a! ?0 _0 z" P$ k* s至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
0 r$ G& V: e: C闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美& }; _/ T# S0 y9 }5 m: {# X$ k" C* s
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, N8 @0 C0 Y  z) }- c* a/ Y就和用中文写一次0 j1 W2 \6 m* f1 N/ D
阿,我爱你
  s  l( O2 M" l你让我心跳好快
8 g) N2 d  P, \1 ~7 c# X你让我脸发热
2 ^( _: {! n& n我爱上你的大嘴唇
& S5 A* T  Y& g3 L: T6 yXXXXX
- d0 r( n+ j4 H2 q3 ?/ W不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

4 y: v7 h/ u+ f, }, Y- U( i) C0 X2 a
( r7 y6 q: ^7 M  j2 y, V0 V靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.; m" e- k! ^) X
大型搬家
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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