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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
8 F% }2 T/ v! A% x1 D4 P, Z+ T
# s) W1 Q0 u" {I fell in love with you & i* z2 o6 H3 `  s) D
At the first week we met/ k3 e6 K0 ]9 `7 Q

! t" N1 m3 _% a- tYou have charm, you have looks0 Z4 K. ~( V) g5 c5 T/ o9 c3 c
with full of pimples in face
7 U. T* h' y! _1 HAs spotting sky at a summer night. h  c+ F# \  b5 N1 e' p
They are shining stars: `' O3 s$ ^. h* D9 C

9 F# W+ e; x: A! \6 oYour lip is so big
' \3 C& y- r# ?" {$ wAnd that’s good for a kiss
4 x, a0 t3 q# D) }* H  F6 G+ SYour body is chubby
, b5 x1 x; {, O! p. C! oAnd that is good for sex
6 n) M# C& P* P
8 i' K1 f' e( H" V9 |; X; ZI was deeply in love
8 U$ Z2 v- ^) F+ r0 `9 i, nEverything from you is positive' {1 Z$ o) f2 g$ l! u5 F+ K4 ]) n9 G* U
You blame me everything and everyday1 a2 i% G4 ^* t5 }! ^7 J& n
And I think all girls sound like- G5 i. n9 M; p5 h, r

6 G8 U# k2 i% A5 H3 }" k3 yYou could not stand my eating
4 o" d5 Q# I+ eSaying no good for making funny sound
/ d0 M6 o( r/ k0 ]% N5 LI think you are perfectly right
: c7 a/ e; V: E7 r9 T/ Y* LEating with sound is a pig3 f- Y4 [( ^# `1 @5 W  L3 Y

& O4 S: c+ @$ E$ T; _I fell in love with you 4 j5 x: G) f; A
Become a fool to think& y. h5 s4 e; M8 G: [
All trouble things you did
$ w- ~" q& D, X; M/ QAnd that is the price for love
3 s+ j; J. G1 z/ b, G% }! J( C
' L, o9 x+ k, I) d$ D5 ?you are deeply in love
9 S8 h4 v. M0 @' a  P: h% s" l; U9 o2 KEverything from me is negative# a3 V2 {# @, z0 F7 k9 C
"My man should be like this,
5 s) w9 t3 k! p  I2 q  x0 i8 }5 T1 e5 H5 wand I am helping you to improve'
2 E& u8 h3 a2 T% {; O. a1 D
' \# u$ x8 W# kYou are loving me
3 H1 S2 Q) W( T1 {or that one in your mind?
; M' X9 y+ l( x0 v; NMy mind is like a mud
3 A* U- \5 {, o- Mcan be shaped whatever you want) a7 N! w4 Z; r3 h( A
% _& Y% Q7 M. V  `2 t9 s0 v
unfortunalety not my heart1 g3 g: B! _+ ~5 \
It is slashed by you
, L% q$ E9 ?  ?" u0 S/ Xand I am seriously hurt1 W) t& @% ^' i
' g) x3 S/ U! q( G  A2 [
I will never love another
) M! w$ u7 d5 S0 OIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
5 d0 D  W, C3 Z) C! P* B7 X. omy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
9 ?- ]) W% D' o% i! w$ |1 F

7 a; J) {, i; p: K* b9 o; i& E咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!, s' C/ ^$ S1 i. z& d
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 1 `& I* a1 ]; E8 R5 ]1 L) }
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.. x, h$ x0 O/ }( O$ G
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
. d2 y. |* a" j6 h0 k) F
) b; @8 F1 r/ S' Z4 }- A+ C% H  \- z  gwith the charm,/ H1 V0 j+ z% h; f/ @: t
with the simles.
) K0 Q4 X1 K  d0 VI fell in love with you ! a8 I2 f# u: `! j
In the first sign.9 g, e3 M* n9 Q9 t% ]/ b
As spotting sky at a summer
' L3 j6 F) n# X6 w* r, Z- O$ g' {9 N5 L7 r+ R0 p" a7 _0 h
Your lip is so soft / K8 N( L6 |9 \8 \, \
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
- R! b: p$ V9 q8 o+ ~* Y" pYour body is so sexy7 |% X$ U1 T9 L5 s. j
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.: @2 n7 a6 Z1 F! ]* l
, R+ h! I# f3 k1 o) J- n) Q
I am deeply in love
; D; _3 r0 }) c8 nEverything from you is so charming6 [+ H2 t9 K1 S- s. u4 a  V( B( g% t
although You r so picky for me
! g# s( m5 S6 \0 ~And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
3 `+ e4 I' k, O0 [0 Z$ l1 w8 G0 _: eBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
* K8 p, V' Z9 S+ ^0 z# u
  ?- K3 R7 D4 b' @6 w  ^4 s- P7 D) f9 i. {
His hello is the end of her endings
3 d+ D2 T4 [! H# ~/ }Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle/ v& i( U+ e  v
His hand would be hers to hold forever0 Y. N: a7 Y% ?* ^
His forever is simply as her smile 0 q+ y! t7 g- B9 n1 K' `
He said she was what was missing/ V- t0 h4 Z; B6 M% ~+ {4 O
She said instantly she knew
" O, t; `, O5 w0 JShe was a question to be answered
1 \* J, F  y5 X, H+ C, rAnd his answer is / q- s0 v7 c4 y0 P# `
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas! a" R$ @; V9 L! }, r& K5 P3 @& s
3 K' ~7 Z7 y. L$ L. m( ?
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt" E4 C; n+ P2 l) Z
, y) n( x7 B# Q. r5 \& ?- a! G" t
It's amazing how I felt " T6 S& a: S) B5 M
when I was with you
% Z. z/ |! u5 Z6 `0 x, Q# U8 gMy heart beat so fast; Z; n' E$ y5 _
I looked at you and thought4 u+ C  q* q5 \1 M# @. Z) g7 i
Holy Jesus, you were so cute3 ^! x$ o4 s- X) Q6 w% d6 L$ E) V
5 I8 \' O1 x" N: n5 Y( b
You left me without a word: N9 c. P3 j" ?, u
I have nothing except my emptiness( _% z* H, j* f& u# _5 J4 k
My mood is like a cloud: C: U  n$ A! O" {) b
How could it be dispersed?% f6 o9 t8 [2 l7 @

9 [3 }9 b* c9 a$ G* P. pFeelings bite my heart
+ x; a3 b& Z& D9 S# F, C8 PYou are the right one I wait1 d* o0 a, V2 W. O6 [% @9 l
In the depth of my soul
$ n. ]/ }1 b+ l& n, _% U' @* PI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美  U5 H6 X8 m9 f6 i. Y
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道  n! y/ l! U; [# M0 j1 n7 b
就和用中文写一次, @! I. a* k; X7 @4 \. X
阿,我爱你
  D1 o9 @& W! X0 ]4 s4 `你让我心跳好快
+ }+ O, C7 _0 s% `. }6 j你让我脸发热# P8 u+ \' a# e" v3 ?, `6 u
我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ W( q$ M' {! G% R+ k# R6 a8 tXXXXX' N( A1 A0 _: u! c" I, W2 K
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?8 M9 d8 _9 j! ]4 U8 v' c9 G' P
9 z  Y' A# M2 ~/ c$ T  M- m; m+ ^$ K
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER* S4 {6 K* Q, q6 t9 e4 o7 ]; d
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
: T0 l1 G  ~, T- k0 o9 Y闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美! h* D8 p5 M( v
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道8 g( n! {% Z5 Z# k3 t- k1 \6 f, g1 z8 L
就和用中文写一次
5 h$ L5 T' f  U. D2 M阿,我爱你- U" v" d5 d, N% u* ^
你让我心跳好快+ S1 ~' S1 j! h' I: w0 Y& ~
你让我脸发热) x! i- J2 S, e7 W
我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 A# c* \2 J/ W  e8 \. a& FXXXXX
. V  ~! b! b% R/ F不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

) N9 z& J  r3 u& q1 V5 V7 q" ?
* ]1 A7 n. C9 g) M" N5 q0 W靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.: o5 \  `0 g* v* c! J6 s
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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