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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
# S1 z+ J5 K7 ^+ i7 k! Q: R5 b4 X6 b' p6 L! A% c
I fell in love with you 6 ~4 C" z7 q9 L
At the first week we met1 [: H2 d1 Q2 |# ^& q0 P

# g4 a2 M/ a; X  ]* FYou have charm, you have looks
5 V; Q' B" Q% W( c* Zwith full of pimples in face7 _. H' ^2 X7 H$ e, w4 D/ U
As spotting sky at a summer night; U7 v# V/ e3 m9 D/ V
They are shining stars
+ U; e4 l$ K6 V& f
0 L4 a/ [6 I- _1 ZYour lip is so big. C6 `8 `1 ^3 t8 g: g' q
And that’s good for a kiss( y1 U: d+ o8 l. s- ?2 V$ ]7 [
Your body is chubby% g& ~  x; O. J' T. ]
And that is good for sex
$ g) q0 b$ n/ H1 \; l# d/ G& W* D. Y; b- x$ n6 C8 r) A, C
I was deeply in love0 f2 t3 M# w& W  C( e1 P
Everything from you is positive/ t/ k$ N$ l4 z, T+ q) D
You blame me everything and everyday
$ e! h4 d9 f  vAnd I think all girls sound like
& M2 ]" h. ]! C' u: `
( k3 Z' L! y1 B5 R' qYou could not stand my eating
, h$ I8 \* n& w  ySaying no good for making funny sound
0 {1 V8 g: v: L) ~& s" L' |! bI think you are perfectly right6 G$ x% [7 w3 T. w
Eating with sound is a pig4 G+ p6 r- @) B9 x: B1 P* {" Z3 l
" F' @2 l2 }& O  Q5 U! E
I fell in love with you ; K- _; W7 |) _" L3 @0 S* P, L+ [
Become a fool to think
! i3 S1 S$ Q9 n7 }7 ~All trouble things you did
, W) g7 U8 N, i& ^+ HAnd that is the price for love
0 q0 j$ v+ @5 T) j) o
6 r% \  s" Q/ H* z9 m" ^you are deeply in love/ ~5 i  W# P, e% f
Everything from me is negative
2 J5 i' p. q3 W% {3 C% I' b"My man should be like this,: ~! C, w7 i' k1 ?4 o7 v/ O1 z1 m
and I am helping you to improve'; z5 U) E6 h4 E9 w; n: w& R1 f4 \4 B
/ U5 X8 P1 B" v2 P! }
You are loving me 9 {9 z( B$ b5 M. J7 S& H8 J: m) S
or that one in your mind?# ]! N0 U8 ]2 d' I  ^4 M' I: `
My mind is like a mud' j) ]" w- P+ v, P$ m9 q. ?6 l+ b
can be shaped whatever you want( }+ q7 n5 ]- N* W4 W- w
7 m" `3 X. D7 J5 n& B- _. q; g
unfortunalety not my heart
& t$ X, _3 D1 M) H1 ~It is slashed by you 3 i) J' i' k  ]) o/ N
and I am seriously hurt
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6 X% T$ _5 c9 x) \' v) {I will never love another ; Q3 `7 r( U) x. z; J( H. _
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
大型搬家
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
) F' B  }0 B  G7 i  [! b/ a. nmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
! r7 _5 {: f5 l9 Y' d1 I+ M' H

6 Y, o& k. _3 d+ M3 K: |# m# s咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
& [0 Z# E: f( D! h( b3 o+ i, X不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
* \$ T' r8 z6 I8 ]+ Oi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
6 ]* J& D& T& ?9 F& vAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
% |5 H6 s! y2 I1 G; f, s
1 ]' W: c: }2 z, dwith the charm,5 E6 D' X5 H) j' T
with the simles.
1 q  |* ?( `0 f# Q3 KI fell in love with you 6 a4 e% d6 W9 Y$ K& n. Z; {
In the first sign.
6 q( Y1 g+ `. |/ A; H4 k) YAs spotting sky at a summer
6 V) Q: S4 Q- P8 X$ r* b' k9 j7 _' N/ `% s& D
Your lip is so soft
1 F& A, d8 H4 ^% G2 s! W: Sthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
9 s7 [% P- o* |' |" X+ s. a* D# `Your body is so sexy
! A, ^' a; s7 u! uAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.# P0 ?; y7 u% C  V- r* R+ N; y5 r, A+ w
( v0 m+ s% X8 A+ [1 `7 `' Q/ m
I am deeply in love
8 ^" V6 `6 F  v2 w% R! pEverything from you is so charming7 a  G' I( u! J# A
although You r so picky for me
9 D( c0 I8 g! n6 ~And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
7 E  ?; u5 [) [( }  _& ?But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem; \$ E7 t( h. Q4 h; o3 v3 n
: ~! ~7 P, f# Z0 c8 q8 U

3 |9 K0 ^# N; {His hello is the end of her endings% S6 F' `0 l, j1 m
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
- a9 ^0 a0 H: ~) H  PHis hand would be hers to hold forever
5 x# X% H4 P8 R& uHis forever is simply as her smile
" R3 D* x& [* c; R, D9 }He said she was what was missing
! M2 q' v) Z$ \! h; y0 _She said instantly she knew/ n( g; M, D# ]# _9 z3 |4 }. |
She was a question to be answered
# G& f3 X3 a1 F: gAnd his answer is
, ?  u- W& ^$ L. H- X2 _' P& ~+ [3 II do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas* W7 t% `4 [( ?; Q( ?' K
8 `: h3 O: e# h3 }) j1 j7 Y
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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It's amazing how I felt
% G6 S7 Z8 Z6 B& Owhen I was with you
, M0 `, w: _( l# S  z5 ~My heart beat so fast% N4 D. O$ ^3 j5 {
I looked at you and thought* E4 B! z; w. o+ a8 ]
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
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You left me without a word5 \& ~5 K/ J6 Q0 q/ Q# e
I have nothing except my emptiness
1 T/ l: [! y1 }) ^* aMy mood is like a cloud
/ D0 j. ?0 s2 N, y7 p/ g5 DHow could it be dispersed?6 g! `7 R6 C4 }8 J: ^8 ^

4 S0 J+ Z/ _2 mFeelings bite my heart   m0 ~+ d5 v8 }2 _1 J
You are the right one I wait3 g( a! v1 H- k4 M& B* B9 K: X
In the depth of my soul
0 [% c* `; q. eI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
- V3 P; x/ ~( ~( \& s$ c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 T# h; i! F, A3 V) I+ \就和用中文写一次
- g- h5 c; D( \1 D4 o阿,我爱你7 W* C& u1 _9 h2 u
你让我心跳好快
* E- I% ^; j' _. G) J% R' L4 k你让我脸发热& h9 Y* J/ B7 {
我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 n2 S. h- L2 N$ Q, ]XXXXX9 i1 d( X7 _' ]9 c3 ?6 P& N1 v
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?. R! [0 _; x: `

8 V" t) C5 O+ m4 k% Y& h如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
( h7 Y9 \- t( \+ {; F+ j( G( T至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 , `3 W7 `/ |# h- f) ^5 ?! S  I
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# V( l! s9 H+ K  u1 D+ {* X
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道3 [! `" i  J/ D) ^
就和用中文写一次
. z6 q# @3 a3 p( I) T$ F7 U阿,我爱你
* m8 t% |# k' V7 j$ m你让我心跳好快; {4 k/ ~& L7 j4 h# j. K3 ]
你让我脸发热* j) ~- j) m7 m2 s  c
我爱上你的大嘴唇
; o) J4 _, g) ?; g# G, ~& c7 XXXXXX5 c6 o1 |2 |) w: J( Y# S
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

- f" M) M. I6 n7 p& V& e: Q9 u7 f' }# z1 G  t' V" X1 a+ ?" f
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
4 L3 d+ ?$ N' C) t
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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