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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love' [9 i& m( }7 Q5 m% `9 E
9 W, b) S. l$ C8 A0 q" d
I fell in love with you
* S' Y% L& k' s( N1 }At the first week we met0 H) h: ~5 y! Y# d( ^

1 a; z; Q5 f) u# o) h% g0 C4 p1 [( wYou have charm, you have looks% j. b1 b# A5 A7 ?
with full of pimples in face; y" _5 D+ C, [/ [9 B+ s
As spotting sky at a summer night
7 t% ]  G/ W+ R& mThey are shining stars
0 F& J$ P2 w+ ]5 A9 K" n4 o
, w% F2 |; ~+ V1 `5 vYour lip is so big0 E3 [. E, q3 X1 r
And that’s good for a kiss
6 V2 m- U1 V) q5 B! t) EYour body is chubby0 R! `: a/ g. {6 T  b" V  y/ o
And that is good for sex
8 a  _" t1 T& _
0 c. O( v& O; A. c  a  d7 W6 J" FI was deeply in love
5 P2 ]2 _" q6 t+ R$ O7 gEverything from you is positive- W2 Q5 `( W3 M6 ^) t- V4 U1 r
You blame me everything and everyday
4 h# H: P( a1 W* R& y6 ~* \And I think all girls sound like0 ~: z- v. J# o  o) A3 k5 X+ X! H
  `# |6 |" f- u
You could not stand my eating
# j5 K( Q/ {- H4 zSaying no good for making funny sound
! C& R; b- }1 T2 N4 q% I% TI think you are perfectly right4 K0 `# o4 b0 G5 M9 D
Eating with sound is a pig
* c4 i& R! O. m: D1 S6 E5 c4 {7 o% @, B& o! a% ]+ ]8 g* [
I fell in love with you
; N: d( @: f7 M* w9 t4 m, R" D4 l* [Become a fool to think6 }' E" l$ {: |+ ~9 ~. l
All trouble things you did* s2 m/ R7 C! c* \( M' G* J
And that is the price for love
/ l' z. Y# k  A  `8 K
' W: N8 Q6 i4 o$ G! F6 n9 ^8 Y( xyou are deeply in love
7 s  O+ l# l; a5 y& Z8 {% B& L% iEverything from me is negative& W) d1 D4 X) O5 v7 Z2 q
"My man should be like this,3 q  o6 M- @! y" s9 f
and I am helping you to improve'
9 ]( S1 a0 D5 R0 F$ K' o0 o7 T9 ~" h; n/ L
You are loving me
1 l5 M5 H& y! R9 g  H% For that one in your mind?
% w6 X6 N9 f7 g0 F  F+ d1 pMy mind is like a mud) }4 n. m, x2 a
can be shaped whatever you want8 ]: c! j1 U. g- K9 t. g
6 K" H5 `2 V$ h) u% b8 p. A
unfortunalety not my heart
- B2 t2 d. |! V4 k8 xIt is slashed by you ; F2 T! ^% w7 N! g( a
and I am seriously hurt- _. u! y, X$ r. i

! X% F  G9 A+ T# t- C' W5 W6 _I will never love another
4 ]& y1 _) Y$ }7 U3 M. @: A9 UIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
! S: [: P" y  f! k* a& B% X  amy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
3 F, p/ o! s( U) W' k0 |

# V& ?% S, X' l, c7 t+ c咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
; Q9 l$ J8 p1 Q' Y" S不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, + o: ~5 m# {! I/ B# k# v. A0 ]
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
: M) i8 @$ L7 J0 o5 Q" W1 |, g% Q2 WAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
) q* f: h/ @5 [; F: @% ?/ f' L" U& Z! {: k9 @
with the charm,
$ m3 U4 }/ `- `9 @( [& ^* B  wwith the simles.
* V/ s+ \' l; Y0 o' T0 w1 }I fell in love with you + ~( x/ z3 X/ |9 V( }
In the first sign.
% {9 I# E' D; n1 ]! `$ y- p9 YAs spotting sky at a summer # s& e) L: l7 D; ^
* {  N, d4 o2 x# J0 W& Y
Your lip is so soft
4 a4 @& ]" I2 O6 a4 k+ j* w" Q" Wthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
# D+ r) h) S4 X& ?3 `! W5 MYour body is so sexy6 U9 w1 o# S/ K% @* S1 G, y
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
2 I1 L3 ?* }: f) k  [0 j6 l  s* S) F7 O/ ]% O3 R, m( H
I am deeply in love
* N2 k0 W* w4 P% J+ f- t& S" oEverything from you is so charming
& {# T" ^+ H& X( aalthough You r so picky for me
9 x. |2 ?" |$ [; t" s+ U# a& _2 O/ uAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
8 |& B9 ?+ H0 ^4 c# g8 b" r  SBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
$ H4 J4 X: W$ U# ^) |: ^8 Q; |/ p5 @) a6 s( N# {5 w5 _
4 l5 F# e/ G" v" e3 n
His hello is the end of her endings
6 E4 x8 d) |$ zHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( {8 O7 H6 T( j  e0 S$ [+ DHis hand would be hers to hold forever
$ s$ l  T: H' v, O; r+ K/ z4 KHis forever is simply as her smile
$ [6 G! I( S3 a% ^3 J- _He said she was what was missing
( S8 W/ g1 B$ ]* x) P6 uShe said instantly she knew
2 `9 ?. a! n  L$ H# HShe was a question to be answered
& c* ~7 C, k) N2 QAnd his answer is
' M2 C" d3 i* B, I% G) XI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas$ F. D# E3 m/ r+ K

; C, e% F# u8 D% z7 cBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
3 _8 Q0 R4 a  l# D9 W0 }7 j) w7 }: N5 @* Z& B% Q6 ]* P
It's amazing how I felt
0 q# V. z" G% p9 C/ ^5 ]when I was with you
  u3 ]! I% ?+ ^! e: r# bMy heart beat so fast, u* ^9 J+ Z! ~6 ?( [$ K
I looked at you and thought) F+ h, S% ~1 ~7 q; i& j
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
2 B. g: q$ x" E  X; {6 {" ?9 s/ V
/ w9 r& Z) ]/ ^5 @& R; n' mYou left me without a word# _( Q  _5 g( s& @
I have nothing except my emptiness
. C2 z/ t# R& ]$ {- _4 C/ y3 NMy mood is like a cloud2 u4 T. M6 m7 Z- b: Y
How could it be dispersed?9 t  l( @. K! ^8 m4 |% M# I; X' W

! T1 i, f2 _! M) ?' d- NFeelings bite my heart
0 u5 }) ^2 F. G% k2 b; wYou are the right one I wait
$ j4 P' K: A' Z; P: T% D  }In the depth of my soul
, t* G% s  A1 {0 zI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* _7 n) ?+ l9 |
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道2 e- Z$ r( T0 g3 ~' j/ Q
就和用中文写一次+ T$ m6 k/ k: I0 c  A
阿,我爱你+ [! T7 O8 h' H
你让我心跳好快) l7 Q4 S4 d) H& Q: R8 O6 d* N! \
你让我脸发热7 s8 J( `" i3 W; Y1 g- b
我爱上你的大嘴唇1 i3 V' x: d7 f- g0 @/ p$ q
XXXXX
2 {, T; _& `" {8 g$ x" f, |. ~不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
7 V; c! p$ E  U% E9 s6 U* H" `) ]8 N& Z
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
$ a; H$ r& `5 L/ X至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
! v- p' r4 S: N+ q闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. I$ P- ]# j  E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道+ l4 a$ |! f+ t8 n) v" k
就和用中文写一次  i; z2 H8 l. j
阿,我爱你
7 j* S% m6 J' X* B3 i& S8 Z你让我心跳好快$ w& V! v6 i& f8 {
你让我脸发热4 b% w  l% M, M6 b
我爱上你的大嘴唇
' J, U" Z$ W5 [) mXXXXX! Z4 ]7 b, g. x, |- w
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
- u% I4 ]) b. a" I1 @2 O* v
. v, s6 R+ n! ]4 r
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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