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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
! t& o2 h3 X8 I8 Y
  v! q6 E: p& H( @- cI fell in love with you 2 }9 o4 C9 i. k, D( F  B) f. l
At the first week we met
1 }' H5 e- u: m
' ~+ e( _+ [) v4 s' B0 QYou have charm, you have looks. ]. r' t2 ]/ p- q: o" R
with full of pimples in face' _: ~# `7 K% J& B* J
As spotting sky at a summer night2 M+ x& m4 |. M* p
They are shining stars
( L/ }: x! @" N& ]' m7 J! q. e! c8 h: _5 b& o7 ?6 r
Your lip is so big% N/ B7 p( ^+ z, k
And that’s good for a kiss
" G1 K* m9 Y8 }0 i- pYour body is chubby* h, H6 z  V; P5 v
And that is good for sex
/ {1 D$ u) G7 F
2 [; n9 P  U3 C) XI was deeply in love- y: Y! R  @, V: v# I2 K
Everything from you is positive$ r. b+ Z! G$ S' @0 o! n1 I& L
You blame me everything and everyday
1 I+ u, j8 Q0 i0 D6 kAnd I think all girls sound like) n* b5 O% P7 c7 G
' @' @* ]7 y# t9 n
You could not stand my eating+ i6 R6 Z% a: @% u# _
Saying no good for making funny sound
4 i1 `& L) x6 f& i5 W5 FI think you are perfectly right5 Z) H1 F0 J. P3 ~) Z, `, v( W) s$ i
Eating with sound is a pig1 B6 M# S9 P3 z+ R0 f) p

' Z0 d; J& X4 P* W3 XI fell in love with you 5 k$ [1 |9 Q! T) s
Become a fool to think7 s& ^5 s8 p5 v! @
All trouble things you did" C6 g( H+ o# H+ y
And that is the price for love' E9 y# R( m( V) p- ^/ z; H( h

  P% x& r0 ~% m; j4 S6 w* Wyou are deeply in love* i* @3 w3 U1 ^+ R5 s
Everything from me is negative
9 @9 n  _1 l* \7 J# v! ~"My man should be like this,3 f0 z  A; o! v
and I am helping you to improve'
: ?) }+ _5 G/ X- @# P4 B5 s' V( J- y" Q% s, a3 X
You are loving me 7 K4 B' A* x5 v+ l  _
or that one in your mind?, ^: o* Y& T% `$ X1 W
My mind is like a mud9 Y* l' _3 x* M1 R. [  @
can be shaped whatever you want
' t( g  b' j8 D
% s' Q# c$ z8 K! ?1 munfortunalety not my heart
8 [& s/ y5 @7 h# z8 T1 ?It is slashed by you
9 Q' q3 T9 F) t3 r! x; dand I am seriously hurt
' e2 l8 }" I& e2 t7 q% d
8 N8 I0 L1 _7 hI will never love another 9 A7 @/ u; S9 R# c  G
If my heart can be fixed
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 - M; }( j, n  N6 ]
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

$ b+ Q1 d/ o+ x4 d4 r3 ^- X. U# g/ e4 {$ Q! ^" M; `, O
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!) i4 v  d& g) n9 \# C3 L+ n
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, ' {9 y: e& T, f, o5 @: M* ?: o
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
# h. ^) P. `; v0 H* p( s1 F& w4 ~( G% _And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed  X* l  y0 |8 h! y" a
/ ~5 u( W- s6 @; G! E
with the charm,1 H& s* C+ e% |; {) z9 y' d( Q
with the simles.+ Q0 T: a9 K4 d% n: M0 G
I fell in love with you
% k7 {2 O3 i. J' {! L3 x+ OIn the first sign.
0 S; L+ p$ P/ A. r" J8 f! w& Z  wAs spotting sky at a summer : J/ s! X9 Z9 H) L+ q4 f
% {% ~' e9 G4 P
Your lip is so soft , d. y/ F/ w5 ^* T# L
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
; E+ F5 o% P3 T" B. ]0 a3 zYour body is so sexy
! ^0 I. @2 j0 k% K3 VAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u." u+ U- c0 j8 T  d9 o

$ e4 ^: K6 y9 }: CI am deeply in love
8 j5 p$ Z  e) @  m! w: wEverything from you is so charming
' r, X1 L9 @; f6 Z) p* Ealthough You r so picky for me 3 `/ b( K5 n7 m/ w
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) Z) W- k) y; }$ ?But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem7 ~% W# |, l/ q( P4 Z6 l
6 y& i4 L& V; N9 S: {

& P. t3 I6 a6 {# K4 l8 O' g2 ]His hello is the end of her endings
/ o+ k% |9 a/ ~( {9 s2 _8 e+ K' gHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
0 O1 H. ]: O( Z; q8 zHis hand would be hers to hold forever
) u8 B- K( k1 B) y% r/ iHis forever is simply as her smile   Y- ~* s* z# J
He said she was what was missing
3 m1 N# k2 K' IShe said instantly she knew
3 ?7 @" w" i# Q( dShe was a question to be answered* m* a0 i6 J, @
And his answer is 0 t1 F9 L3 j- \7 K; H0 |
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
7 I9 V7 X, j+ h3 _; E
% N9 ^* \  Z& U( r( uBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
) c/ s# I4 o' ?: N8 h, r) |  k+ k+ z5 E4 v( R: C' z
It's amazing how I felt 2 w1 D. @9 y  e4 {' r
when I was with you
1 _1 O  S- f* [2 LMy heart beat so fast# I) M+ i& G9 G* }7 }3 c* f
I looked at you and thought
. z" D( B, l. FHoly Jesus, you were so cute/ A  D$ w7 F; c- r' H! Q7 \
) F  Q, s$ {- d$ ~- I* [
You left me without a word
! z9 h7 }3 c5 C8 {# WI have nothing except my emptiness8 |+ _* i5 A/ a
My mood is like a cloud1 \# y8 e" r) ?) x% N4 `+ V
How could it be dispersed?0 f$ Z# M% s) S: c

" _% w  ]8 o9 C$ gFeelings bite my heart / ?) k# Z+ y! \6 t, Z2 K* Q
You are the right one I wait/ w% o' y7 b# d% W( b6 S
In the depth of my soul
7 V7 q0 T1 Z$ V9 B  @# S- bI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美+ R* _1 Q! S4 e& |
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
& n" Y8 G: ]$ J2 C! l9 ~就和用中文写一次
* |- ?" G# D8 [5 {0 ~5 C阿,我爱你0 Q* t6 j9 w7 X$ `; C& G7 Z% [
你让我心跳好快
1 _' V- W7 `( L* e你让我脸发热
1 |5 v7 Y1 D! c- u我爱上你的大嘴唇; U" h( i8 _: X; E4 ~1 Z5 l
XXXXX
3 B  ]& S9 r6 T3 x- f3 H不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?- P3 Y! G; U. b3 ?! z
9 t. O$ r& A: I7 t. ?
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER% I6 [* Z: h5 {; _& l- t) L
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
$ F; ?( _8 |! j) u: L1 N- P2 J4 O闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美0 S! C  y6 \  \3 A! _2 s) }  `
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道- c: Z( @+ N# o2 ?9 P4 g: A
就和用中文写一次) v8 H/ D6 v! N+ N9 _. I5 |, ^
阿,我爱你
; @: \9 G- y* }, O$ u8 I/ c' g- o, ~你让我心跳好快8 x# ?$ R; z" J( Z
你让我脸发热
1 S! u$ P0 G0 r1 _+ B& W# ~我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ S: p" I% a" QXXXXX
4 H# u' H' \! C5 G; N不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
  \8 q. z+ K$ P( ~

, i. M7 l9 |9 F# ~- B8 Z3 {靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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