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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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I fell in love with you 3 d, C3 b8 b  _- j6 H+ B1 _5 |
At the first week we met6 n5 r$ o3 N; h1 z- _6 O
6 ~; d& C4 Z! q* k, ]
You have charm, you have looks
3 [1 P% j+ u( d2 Vwith full of pimples in face# Z8 S+ L& @$ j/ N% |. r- w" M
As spotting sky at a summer night5 v) u% o$ Q6 O: {& i
They are shining stars
1 R6 _* Z3 i  Q# o0 `8 z5 m& t4 M4 t0 w5 i/ r5 ]
Your lip is so big
8 k2 S/ Z9 I! p: W) e8 N1 q& D9 tAnd that’s good for a kiss4 P& f, a# w8 Q. c/ D; L, ]# k
Your body is chubby
% e% Z& i4 u0 M; e% R$ OAnd that is good for sex
8 D' W. g* k/ p0 {* l& q2 U9 A/ Y+ d7 {5 B- s+ w
I was deeply in love; d5 J: Y. u, T* [8 A8 v
Everything from you is positive
8 i, u1 i: ]+ Z- J% M& C# jYou blame me everything and everyday
; e0 d7 m0 x, pAnd I think all girls sound like/ C9 X3 @+ p' d

/ o; o0 y& Y; ~* U1 X5 GYou could not stand my eating" b6 v# e: ?1 E: s
Saying no good for making funny sound' y3 d2 o4 N- o" a: Z; P( f' D/ ]
I think you are perfectly right
4 B( Q- O) Q# ~8 s6 c0 mEating with sound is a pig
; ^- l! K! n+ Q7 P9 j+ q$ }0 c% L) a9 j$ N: J
I fell in love with you 3 D& X4 E. M7 q9 K% q! R
Become a fool to think9 k1 r2 Z- f* [& ~! E! ?6 ]+ I
All trouble things you did0 n, H* Z4 d+ I* J' Z
And that is the price for love& v/ q9 {* G2 m  t+ H
  J0 r. L" E$ m3 B
you are deeply in love
1 Y" {3 V, p7 w. p: ~Everything from me is negative. o0 n4 [8 _; H1 ~' z8 L7 E( n
"My man should be like this,2 W' e$ _/ ?7 u- F( D; w8 o& c7 j
and I am helping you to improve'
# W7 d. Z4 n% i. V% z7 Q& F
4 e. r/ t* Q' m1 @& o: c6 KYou are loving me
1 V, l3 [0 g, a% n# ]1 |7 q3 _& Wor that one in your mind?+ u. i& x1 M9 I! |1 G2 r. E7 O4 R9 [
My mind is like a mud8 V" O# s  }3 u" V+ b$ ]; B
can be shaped whatever you want
4 ]4 G  y" M4 h6 g3 C$ C. S5 h* V1 @
unfortunalety not my heart; e* y$ S. ]& h7 S
It is slashed by you
! W# N) `3 s, H) }' D# rand I am seriously hurt
7 V, }& q" z, x! U# e) s, t8 N6 H( c2 f7 d
I will never love another
4 U$ y7 u# g& _7 c- ]8 CIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 , r# @1 F" q- e, a6 N
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" B. r6 d4 M) Q3 P( H' p9 w
6 }. m6 i; T; A( A' X咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
" P/ w8 W4 {+ P' K4 W1 p/ ^不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
/ w$ t" O% I9 Z, f4 f/ l# Ei am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
0 `+ O2 J$ l% k5 j: Q5 uAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed$ d) x0 O% a/ W

- X6 u, ]' |* s6 l; M6 swith the charm,
! Y; a4 R. ?2 w1 F2 Fwith the simles.
; V* }- h; H! h! k- T. E6 X$ c# xI fell in love with you
' x1 }4 O6 @* J# s7 f8 cIn the first sign.* Z# z! A! q$ _; A
As spotting sky at a summer + U1 M3 w' ~# ]1 l

( _3 v- `5 C7 t; T: oYour lip is so soft 6 ~! ~8 R3 ]. G, Z0 J3 U0 |
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss. z% f" \. I* J: q; O: {$ L& u
Your body is so sexy7 v. D. i2 E) I9 g0 G: E/ H, k, R* `6 b
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.* q1 {3 Q$ r5 E/ o4 a
3 J$ w2 e* X  w; L6 `7 j
I am deeply in love) m3 Y; N7 F8 s- }
Everything from you is so charming2 x1 H: Y& U+ `& a( [
although You r so picky for me
. ?2 t& O- u* U! E1 p; xAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
  i& z# p" A' ^6 T+ P5 PBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
  E# q+ L$ n- J: H0 i$ C% x, {- j  |" R! N$ F" x

# J2 @- w" b! t- qHis hello is the end of her endings
+ l' c& \$ |4 N! vHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle7 e& v, \+ u1 G7 z
His hand would be hers to hold forever
8 O2 c7 P$ z" G' A3 e3 _- eHis forever is simply as her smile
1 D4 q* @. y9 o2 oHe said she was what was missing* b1 D7 h; O' Y' T
She said instantly she knew
' b6 B; {9 M8 O/ y. g& c; D$ }She was a question to be answered9 T6 g4 c# ?. A3 f! W( u$ F, l
And his answer is
# \& u6 @/ a) P* EI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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8 v2 Z! ]8 n( B% nBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt1 r) q3 @/ Y& Z% k
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It's amazing how I felt
5 p: L" b4 b8 i5 S/ Q% P  Awhen I was with you( U7 M/ c- O. P/ W0 b
My heart beat so fast8 N4 d% M; }- J8 y
I looked at you and thought6 U* n5 I) t% a: c4 f( b+ D8 c
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
4 X5 P3 ^9 Y6 l. W5 O2 m- t
- L1 X3 d9 I5 s. a9 X# l# g5 gYou left me without a word2 V# I, \  s5 `3 ~
I have nothing except my emptiness3 h. g& M2 G4 N% `/ H) H* Q
My mood is like a cloud
; ?7 t7 Q1 [$ V7 P, M+ o5 z- U# A! lHow could it be dispersed?
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1 U- w3 L7 y# j6 G; W% u5 t+ ]Feelings bite my heart $ y/ T' C' x7 k7 h/ R3 M) s
You are the right one I wait
8 {/ `+ t$ z1 F8 u3 X) i% VIn the depth of my soul& X' m* t  S+ O6 J% b( J& l9 z/ R. M
I will love you till I'm dead
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美1 J0 ]2 P5 a2 k5 e7 A
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
8 r7 G) o3 k& M! R9 J  ~0 |. j就和用中文写一次% Z) o) j) W1 B% y0 h* O0 ^
阿,我爱你
5 @+ X' c8 ~; ]) w; {你让我心跳好快
9 u) z7 T# u9 u5 ?  }) A6 n5 Q你让我脸发热
- K2 X% @7 f7 S( L我爱上你的大嘴唇
7 m' ]3 U* ~# o) a* ^% {XXXXX
  R; c; [; l, E2 q( X1 r不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?$ |  u( U! [, X, d, g" Q* ]4 \7 ]

% _/ C" L+ R0 e( A+ E* h如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER# B, W! R& g  q5 P8 w2 }. W4 D
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
, V. w% }$ [, \1 }! o/ f闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美1 e. R. ^" S5 @3 @1 P
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道; n# W: P0 Q) }, z' T9 F' S: K
就和用中文写一次
4 a1 F8 E  \% U: X9 S+ t阿,我爱你
; k/ k# s& O9 f6 v2 m你让我心跳好快" F# l! g2 T  B  Q0 @  x
你让我脸发热. u+ Q* G; ^& |8 m% `9 T1 g
我爱上你的大嘴唇
# ^1 v9 t6 d! q: l/ Q* s$ IXXXXX
4 |$ D3 e& U0 Z' P6 n( d' L不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
& T) y' ~) ~# v$ Z5 b

8 S8 B- ], Z; |3 ~  L  k+ P靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
/ }9 n& E6 x' e, t7 I- ?
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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