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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
) r* t$ b" A$ E! X! {7 i1 @) Q4 @) a5 ^) z8 Z# F
I fell in love with you - E9 \  Z) u- d! f% |
At the first week we met8 ]4 r' T( L) V& Y! O! R

2 p$ p2 c, B. f; xYou have charm, you have looks
' B1 E/ ~) K9 O5 P- h/ Awith full of pimples in face" ?' X, }( j1 @' w9 K9 P" _
As spotting sky at a summer night6 A1 d, u. T2 D" |" }  J+ _
They are shining stars: B  Q; a" V6 q$ i5 t: {
2 Z, l% v" l# B9 W" }! b- i
Your lip is so big' w1 v- |0 F& }$ d' \- v# m$ ^
And that’s good for a kiss
" I/ m' I4 f. F8 ]7 mYour body is chubby! g4 F# v) `* p, T! w
And that is good for sex% l8 O4 H8 X) d" g' s- l

- K9 H9 X! i& s4 w, {( z0 eI was deeply in love* q! {2 ]/ p# q
Everything from you is positive
# c) }6 F2 ~8 y+ h. C2 P: jYou blame me everything and everyday" t% {3 b9 b$ {2 O. w
And I think all girls sound like, ~5 P2 C- o, G1 W! m

, T& T/ F0 S; H- _3 q" T* UYou could not stand my eating' U- w9 g4 U  Z: J7 U! R; G
Saying no good for making funny sound
* L. m/ s$ T5 {0 l) [& SI think you are perfectly right6 R5 N2 ^9 `; g& Z$ w! b
Eating with sound is a pig
' Q/ [) z1 |! z. o4 d( Z8 w" r% n. O0 \" ^! H1 J) |4 ?# \
I fell in love with you , }: M$ x  l) Z- V* ^6 v! p: y
Become a fool to think- Z# \$ m; O2 A, [( q6 ]$ y, p
All trouble things you did
9 \1 j  y, b1 x& h+ PAnd that is the price for love2 \8 C3 Y0 J4 j/ ?6 l8 u  _3 K# a, f

- _( T2 p1 F4 d& R. H  \you are deeply in love
) Y& \2 O4 D8 ^; Q, z6 f4 o. C9 bEverything from me is negative
( g5 h) x7 K% T0 \; e5 A" E, c"My man should be like this,
+ [0 l, i3 q8 B' Aand I am helping you to improve'
: n7 `2 W% ?( m8 h/ n7 w& t& e) I4 T" H2 b& G, T7 j
You are loving me ; C, O+ F" ]/ N2 F# o% c9 k% T
or that one in your mind?
. ]9 r. T' @+ W' [1 E2 H# d+ ~" V9 gMy mind is like a mud
3 e2 G) U+ r# H4 F  Hcan be shaped whatever you want1 a( K# y" C6 w* _# s6 X6 Q  _

" ]; Q. c6 R: b$ }unfortunalety not my heart3 _6 x" @7 \5 G' y
It is slashed by you
; N* _2 K  |" z0 d3 Aand I am seriously hurt
+ y) Z+ p1 e! |- a+ N0 s, C, C- D8 Z' U
I will never love another . L0 n3 l( b  M" q5 O
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
; W$ J* ]+ _$ ?my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
* F+ p, q8 F& \! ]' z
' [. d' X- R$ F. M4 y% W
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!) ~* v0 S" t1 y2 d2 O
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
% G8 K- q; F4 F% [4 |: d/ I" O$ Ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
3 i' g9 ~) q2 B4 cAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed1 R2 d) u: w: J
. j: x, K+ `4 v" [9 T) j: g3 [
with the charm,
1 c" ^1 U3 m. b6 Uwith the simles.3 J! x* |  A4 l' ~% W' c; x  w
I fell in love with you , j% L) Z3 w9 {3 c* L+ B
In the first sign.
$ ?8 l; Z- \+ X( F7 P+ C+ E/ _As spotting sky at a summer
5 K7 i7 V# k7 e) G5 g. _$ m
1 Y8 a  C5 W" [; W$ |Your lip is so soft
& ~! k: k+ m" N$ Hthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss: x( _0 ~1 S  p; `; @7 i: R
Your body is so sexy/ T& _0 t5 w; W! g4 |
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
! k8 \7 w6 w6 m  \6 Q3 \( ~2 H. l' G/ |" A
I am deeply in love) q/ ~/ c2 p0 H  N
Everything from you is so charming2 D+ r1 m. @% l; ?  U# D" r7 B  U
although You r so picky for me ' G. r. [8 K# g# L) L$ Y$ ?
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.* P/ }5 K: |3 A- G  M- L% b' F
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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$ e7 c" K- [6 q4 }- [% N3 HHis hello is the end of her endings
1 J  |8 c9 w5 E% q# Q' UHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
) K! L- ~" X; g/ F8 qHis hand would be hers to hold forever
1 U# D- o$ ^3 K6 LHis forever is simply as her smile
" s( T/ k- v0 U5 g" E8 s2 DHe said she was what was missing! T2 j% G  s% {9 o% Y0 ^8 ^" A
She said instantly she knew9 j- E. d) ?( b: u) V
She was a question to be answered
- K' _$ @: j/ o  aAnd his answer is
% R& S8 V1 ^8 v' dI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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- w( K+ h# p" H  @& D- ^- LBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt# F8 Q* Z' P* |/ r0 T" k

& T8 S$ @, T' C/ u# e3 ^7 QIt's amazing how I felt ) V5 e. k+ ~: g! a6 ^( A) F# X) ]# y
when I was with you
( H0 o2 Q6 j" TMy heart beat so fast6 `4 R8 A3 S) {% S
I looked at you and thought
# Y, \! ]7 N, U1 NHoly Jesus, you were so cute2 Y8 J4 y; ~% h5 o; l" X

1 j: D+ @, M: ~% w8 B8 DYou left me without a word' F6 o& t; T8 b0 |
I have nothing except my emptiness
7 n. Z8 E% x- Y# ^, CMy mood is like a cloud
7 B! x5 O: l( I5 K5 B" p, H* HHow could it be dispersed?; }: Z/ H8 }  Z3 l$ ?) i. c" ?# w

9 i# V1 s0 e  i. K9 v' ?# {4 eFeelings bite my heart
8 Q; l; }7 u' e6 m7 uYou are the right one I wait" o  f# U2 x9 o# G2 W0 m
In the depth of my soul) o; Y; Y' m0 ?6 c
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美- K" _) }! _" z& O
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, T! r/ n- H4 }9 Q& C0 N. k就和用中文写一次
4 h4 i* o# v" ~1 g/ `- o, m阿,我爱你2 k( i% `- X$ S$ l* L  P
你让我心跳好快
3 D  z! y) a) ?. {, V你让我脸发热. u4 q, r, I, c$ P7 k( v4 E
我爱上你的大嘴唇
! e: `2 k1 J! M# e2 X0 [XXXXX
1 A. P7 t6 H. `1 X1 h! \# o不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
  P  L( _* W5 C3 V' Z4 ^7 b6 m. Z4 a
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 C6 j' Q  ~0 {9 B# p0 x6 z8 B; H  `至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ; @0 L! Y  ^' W
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美1 G; m* ?: K" V7 M4 Z
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( v+ m; f. I6 s# \" S就和用中文写一次
6 B) ]8 c6 _% F  H% `' P7 N' |阿,我爱你  j% ?4 g9 @  r+ A& ~, O* R
你让我心跳好快" Y) W2 o  w+ ]9 m/ e9 ~( D. j2 G
你让我脸发热; t8 o  S, H  U" ~3 Z
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" i$ m% N1 }7 U+ e# x) nXXXXX
& n, t1 _4 m/ g6 ~不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
$ L) x: i* U4 M* g

* m, h. M! ?1 L' ?靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.! X$ j4 |+ V9 P% ?& K0 T
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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