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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
' E& A% b* u+ l8 A; C4 f
; N# ]) p0 Z4 z5 A6 `0 @/ C. LI fell in love with you
% I2 M1 y% f9 nAt the first week we met
; V7 E' M; B) \: f% i. U7 b7 [( U# s) j- A9 {6 G. Z
You have charm, you have looks
  w7 \- Q8 T2 t% O- T' Jwith full of pimples in face1 Z2 ]2 U# Y" `2 k3 `  i1 B0 y; s) w
As spotting sky at a summer night
8 l, J8 ]9 B0 g' ~6 V! M; iThey are shining stars! {) I" @% C* l& ]

& g+ Z  t3 R: u! s9 z7 RYour lip is so big
, w3 F: ^. [$ D' F0 kAnd that’s good for a kiss( c" Y# o+ P3 s1 G, x
Your body is chubby8 G7 ]- G! H0 p1 o1 f% X/ p4 U
And that is good for sex# ~- ~+ V3 u. u% D

+ ^4 g' V' }0 g0 T5 ~4 qI was deeply in love$ j" R$ }6 }+ ^7 p) i6 E2 v, D2 _
Everything from you is positive! D( w5 s! `  |" r! ]
You blame me everything and everyday
; t: h' q7 i* [3 NAnd I think all girls sound like4 n1 b/ V( H/ z" ]

( e6 b, Z0 s; KYou could not stand my eating0 j% [; k6 O! V8 ^( J) b
Saying no good for making funny sound
" b& ^4 U& r8 G0 ]6 d7 lI think you are perfectly right$ Z2 _1 d' A3 X( i, B
Eating with sound is a pig
) D4 p& H& ~7 T) [# Q+ `" |3 _2 U% ]% M
I fell in love with you
* R1 I3 J1 @) X3 E7 B* DBecome a fool to think" q4 B7 N3 A* Q& V% ~
All trouble things you did
8 ~: \8 \9 l% T( y* F/ gAnd that is the price for love
+ ?( \& U+ J5 d, b# ?) _
3 P0 n. M- q, T" N* Jyou are deeply in love$ j* Q) q  |1 E' H6 R
Everything from me is negative
# D4 {! Y1 T$ u& \3 o; Q"My man should be like this,( u0 I9 a* e6 Q. W  a; g9 n- r
and I am helping you to improve'& q* o/ P; N, X/ ]. E1 a

& g( [; B6 A8 l, m; _0 |* xYou are loving me
0 M/ A% b) [+ ]: A* `or that one in your mind?# O1 O+ c( U3 l! `8 I! e7 U& a
My mind is like a mud
$ [. l9 h# n, s1 N- E/ ^6 acan be shaped whatever you want
' f9 u' \3 l$ E
- J! F& v- x7 {: m7 sunfortunalety not my heart. H' L1 _3 }& R
It is slashed by you
$ z+ s/ p8 l* z) n, y$ R8 G( ^5 Iand I am seriously hurt1 o% d% {% v5 g" x. M, i
5 F, n. }* @$ [
I will never love another & S7 ], }) p3 U# m+ m
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 8 h+ M6 f2 ], t( H% x
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
" Q% t9 `" Z. a+ L8 L1 A8 h

2 h* ]1 S9 @( _: D咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!3 `3 Q8 }' g1 J: t
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, - n7 G( b5 T1 O; W
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.! c, X5 X  @7 B8 V  O
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed2 o  s% o! d9 d+ G

( q4 h1 ?. k/ R; X* |# U6 mwith the charm,! B- v8 g" W8 ~1 t" `4 B
with the simles.
2 Z2 u1 w+ L7 j' f5 e5 J1 s* yI fell in love with you : L( @, u% d5 c* ~8 ~6 p5 Q6 d
In the first sign.! p& w6 y5 y$ E9 s
As spotting sky at a summer 6 R" _0 z, r% c

1 ?8 f# H4 i+ V+ OYour lip is so soft . F% a8 ~8 t7 [0 Y
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
; Q/ T$ v& _  x( j( I% k0 W" t3 fYour body is so sexy/ {- B) C8 K: \5 z) l3 j, I* @6 [
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.9 _$ |- f3 M' y, G6 p3 i) }

1 N& A& O3 C9 p! U& f8 S% \I am deeply in love
5 \  ^  f/ s8 S, p( t/ t  N" ?Everything from you is so charming0 G" N' ~+ _8 I, o6 u7 J( v
although You r so picky for me % m0 j; [$ X# @
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.& {5 V  D4 Y4 U  e8 \
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
$ d6 m5 D9 z1 m/ ~0 g# `. N. \: b8 Y# \$ C

8 _: Q6 c9 }& h( }% ?# T, O' hHis hello is the end of her endings
/ r% A+ B  n# k" B+ h3 c  C- SHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
, m9 I# J+ ~- _% nHis hand would be hers to hold forever
0 n* V& G9 e6 V, UHis forever is simply as her smile
, t) t' M+ [( t3 z5 A  nHe said she was what was missing
" ^7 f7 P$ P/ O0 T; mShe said instantly she knew
, z& C+ u+ c; a" [6 E  RShe was a question to be answered
" }' \. o1 b' {* `! Y1 p3 ~7 H/ SAnd his answer is
& k6 C; P) D& m9 \6 C7 v$ b& }9 KI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
# `0 f! i2 _$ P4 U1 N
. _3 P/ T0 {( HBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
3 B: K3 b' C1 Y  b7 c: b3 _5 `
' M. r; q2 G7 W. o5 I% rIt's amazing how I felt
' v% B8 g, }) Bwhen I was with you( d7 @: [) j! a" U1 V
My heart beat so fast: x- i, Y# |3 q; h6 w3 K
I looked at you and thought9 f  f" z2 f( c) {
Holy Jesus, you were so cute# v5 e$ e7 a2 L3 p3 @- c* o

9 m' m2 t' }5 L% k& d& ~' |, CYou left me without a word
8 S1 n5 \. N7 T& s. FI have nothing except my emptiness
& M3 i6 L5 I# K8 o: ^( b% d- ]My mood is like a cloud
3 z0 i% }& \  a. B/ ?& wHow could it be dispersed?) h' v4 B( X, p+ r& G" y1 `3 T

7 E' J) o# w( t+ J2 uFeelings bite my heart
$ W* J/ f3 ]- G; z7 {You are the right one I wait/ d$ E0 ?( T' p, I
In the depth of my soul9 ^: H+ E1 u1 ]
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; b  I# ~. `  O: }+ }1 U" c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道$ I) }* y. j9 K8 c0 B
就和用中文写一次
% ]" b# Z( n( j4 T阿,我爱你
& b' \! }/ o1 x2 f& z# z/ m6 A: Y你让我心跳好快6 V/ J( N. }6 a/ K
你让我脸发热
2 O" {+ U' ~; a$ o0 S我爱上你的大嘴唇
! o$ ]6 Z/ w% G; dXXXXX: o4 i# E7 {! f2 e' U! a$ ?
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
; s7 y2 \$ |( ?6 j! B& c
5 ]( d' o; y( O$ y如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER  t' L& o8 ^+ W, l
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ; i- B# v9 A% F' E0 Z; V1 w& g4 w
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美6 }4 |6 @: T, ?8 i+ V
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
8 R1 @0 e# I% g' x就和用中文写一次
4 Q. `0 M3 E; l% k: g阿,我爱你8 T; k! H; C1 L9 c* ]" Q
你让我心跳好快
& m6 s. q, U: x0 |4 U7 h: R你让我脸发热
: s9 _* v" O( e7 O. K5 d我爱上你的大嘴唇) i  s4 g' X! G  E4 D
XXXXX
& l2 [9 d7 i) J' i" V5 G# |/ u不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
- Y# p5 k1 V# g7 O, a
# t" ^2 D8 p% ^  Y% |
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.3 }4 d/ k6 S/ g2 R8 y
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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