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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
& C" H9 C/ d+ v6 A6 N, @
. b( {2 B: m) ~% p- O. y0 |; hI fell in love with you
4 P( n9 G0 U6 a$ {3 j  uAt the first week we met
1 ?2 O) G+ X. r- D. F& F' e; a3 [- X3 _! m
You have charm, you have looks- f; C& _" \. A3 H0 O+ W8 K
with full of pimples in face
  {3 Q; E; L7 K  r1 VAs spotting sky at a summer night
0 D1 x! E( A2 o+ q  z1 h3 LThey are shining stars
/ W' r, f) a  L  N3 J4 K$ v) v5 H- f
Your lip is so big
( B9 |  K* v7 D5 @And that’s good for a kiss, q$ g8 z  f/ v, j9 `3 W) @
Your body is chubby
& R! K2 D. l2 K: r- gAnd that is good for sex
0 [7 B7 g4 ~; I7 c) a" i# a* ?0 q; F! O
I was deeply in love
. S! S2 i% N, CEverything from you is positive1 C1 M* t- s/ Y$ _; V! E& @( n+ M
You blame me everything and everyday, g! J% Q* c* C) z. p0 F. z: E
And I think all girls sound like: h$ Q. k6 C0 y1 T6 `
" I7 r" O; i5 m, c: ]
You could not stand my eating
- V" g& c8 I& ySaying no good for making funny sound
: _  M* H1 F9 W# M! \, W4 K: r; hI think you are perfectly right! D- `; _4 {7 g) f6 o4 o4 O; ~1 Q
Eating with sound is a pig8 N9 R/ e2 \8 J/ q& H& Q

6 H7 l- t2 Z1 B  b% a& _$ x! B8 MI fell in love with you
6 L% S: K6 I9 o7 d7 J; L+ s- l- BBecome a fool to think
$ S1 q$ O8 J- a- N! S4 m+ l+ OAll trouble things you did  ]) @% n& O- m7 Z6 Y& s/ N$ z
And that is the price for love9 F1 `4 l! M8 N. t* X
1 B- e" [: |2 J
you are deeply in love
3 C& ]& x6 a* S4 N$ lEverything from me is negative
, ~* X$ v$ D2 f5 W, }"My man should be like this,
9 C8 _* A, H1 {( f$ X7 N7 rand I am helping you to improve'
' s- ?, w! c# D' Q4 S$ a' @8 D' y5 W; t  o: T
You are loving me
: r* K$ p  q/ |! R  }or that one in your mind?: ^7 Y  {0 z/ v4 {9 ?
My mind is like a mud
# S- `5 r% _5 u( U" ^can be shaped whatever you want; e4 a: }- B( H

& z7 W$ Y" I% Z- S) p* ^4 |unfortunalety not my heart2 y; u4 a- C) ^; S
It is slashed by you % B! N: a' j: R1 e
and I am seriously hurt
8 Z7 C; h6 m& M0 }3 d2 x: b- J7 r0 `2 t' Q
I will never love another
5 X9 r" i; }0 O. P" R3 f! `If my heart can be fixed
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 % S9 w% P4 W, x' \, Z* I+ h* g
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" v. d0 J6 m8 [' M: U+ _* D1 _8 p& [6 e3 Y5 N5 K5 R$ L3 g( Y( @
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
. E8 Q  F, f7 [% C不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ; w8 K' f9 J4 N' e
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 f  D/ I  z  M7 d4 G* R9 iAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed7 j( f; t8 l8 v- x

# c# [" M* G( c5 {, vwith the charm,
0 r" Y4 B0 f" B1 p, {7 pwith the simles.
; {/ `# ]) Y2 E( ]I fell in love with you ! m- O7 ^6 u/ Z3 S
In the first sign.3 @1 v% P4 x2 `5 t
As spotting sky at a summer & {. J2 J3 t4 n, }
  a& f9 H: k, [- |. L5 X
Your lip is so soft ) M) {* U' c1 d5 w6 _8 C% }* S
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 j) H; a* R2 ^. L) @: EYour body is so sexy& f3 v; a/ e  ]8 |  B
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.  @, I7 g; C2 |5 M8 V
$ B$ l* h; i+ W& w. D# \0 R! g2 m
I am deeply in love
4 A  V. r) A0 C  YEverything from you is so charming; T& ^( N9 s0 w- ]% B) O
although You r so picky for me
0 W( |2 [0 {4 A7 J7 q; p3 y0 GAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
8 i1 S% a1 b; @+ w8 _8 l" _" oBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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& }: y- @0 r( |& m) O7 f7 g. n/ `# H) f
His hello is the end of her endings$ ?  K( E: E/ a2 _. Q6 y% M7 V
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
" F, Y! k3 ?/ V3 y0 vHis hand would be hers to hold forever
+ A/ p: {" s/ G8 _/ ~5 sHis forever is simply as her smile 9 k6 y; W4 Q9 N# O
He said she was what was missing
/ s5 t! H, U2 ?+ J% MShe said instantly she knew' B) c/ j3 Z5 ?4 ^' R0 @1 m& t, |3 {- e
She was a question to be answered
; H9 n9 h8 {& {. [1 Z  O/ FAnd his answer is
; d; U/ ~% `3 F4 E: @+ SI do
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas, O+ D( e5 V  w$ p4 H* v& z. ?

  D  t1 ]- Q7 o: m8 KBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt% r5 h. e6 |/ ?+ W" _  A
( _" s: w5 H' ~* o
It's amazing how I felt
- P% c* a' L, |1 @( `! S, Hwhen I was with you6 c2 }+ p& v9 h8 I
My heart beat so fast
" v3 t5 s7 ?6 ?I looked at you and thought+ c; Y' Y* k+ Z( y) e6 c6 T0 z
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
- b, @9 n- H3 p$ a$ G! Z( F$ k1 o- Q6 q$ q& \/ i
You left me without a word# L2 p& G7 w) Z7 h
I have nothing except my emptiness* y3 s. T. L8 ~$ x8 C
My mood is like a cloud
" u: n! l5 h: _, R# B! W' pHow could it be dispersed?
1 Y  O0 H+ B: _2 J
4 O" u$ C$ ^: L% iFeelings bite my heart
7 x( Z; q7 b4 D) O# f. p& oYou are the right one I wait# k; }$ u# r0 o% o+ x
In the depth of my soul' Y2 f5 r  k! O# L$ m
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美+ _5 V" ~$ \; [- c4 T
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) j( p( H% [7 l  [就和用中文写一次- ^6 F; O' b3 O/ [! i- A# _$ f
阿,我爱你' i# O  d# I! A
你让我心跳好快
5 k( o. @4 B! b你让我脸发热
' l- V" f4 D. h9 @: C* L' A我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ ]+ }5 s+ Q* o- w8 ^XXXXX
0 ]. [. Y$ b% J/ N6 c& @( q不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?( K# m# O" B) B. L5 `. j$ x" P. x) b
+ G  \9 @0 O" ^" n
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
) I9 P* {* p/ g+ O3 [" L至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 + Q9 T- c2 D( M+ ]8 f
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
% {  [. R4 J* w2 \1 R* y; J+ M你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" M3 ]$ O3 Q! ?$ X! I& ~+ g就和用中文写一次
6 Y% t( _1 A: o7 B& r+ n阿,我爱你. }& d) m- O! Y/ @# d# c
你让我心跳好快, s# R3 d; Y% Z0 ]' M
你让我脸发热2 v5 _: q) {/ Z8 m2 I) {: \8 a
我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 Q  u% x+ v' }. Z; wXXXXX; g- W- J* Z& g3 C1 {
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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( F0 x: y- K- c0 `/ h靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
6 m. F- t$ i0 m1 T' M  t
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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