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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
5 n+ W  L' i# K0 d9 d7 |: C+ I( Q5 u! d* i- ~' ]- h
I fell in love with you
0 C( D2 O0 E/ l( H& ~" s% y( L; sAt the first week we met
  ^" h6 @* ]3 l$ t! d
+ d. k8 d' z0 u/ N( }# xYou have charm, you have looks3 k/ i; o3 v( n1 }  B& S# W, {, i
with full of pimples in face0 e' h# g6 U2 g3 _; Q) |# k& v
As spotting sky at a summer night+ [( [1 T) n: P
They are shining stars
, t) ^+ D' o: o; r) O  B- a
1 \1 u4 J" |6 J3 G8 c7 ^2 J1 LYour lip is so big; g" `* o' V6 o. X$ F6 ]" q
And that’s good for a kiss* z0 s5 V! y; l% ^+ p
Your body is chubby
* r1 e; t* f; z" h  OAnd that is good for sex7 V' ~  H7 }+ _( |
6 J: g2 {' {3 S5 ^+ r$ Y6 O5 O. a
I was deeply in love, x" ~) k, o  X5 e& A; g! c5 B
Everything from you is positive# h7 ~( b" Y9 [6 C% a
You blame me everything and everyday! A1 o, n, d1 `: b% F+ W4 F
And I think all girls sound like
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' p- h# b" P  s; V' X/ FYou could not stand my eating) o8 F* i  Z0 P1 f: u: k9 Y/ O9 M
Saying no good for making funny sound
! M/ V1 ^, J6 w+ V3 v$ O: [$ tI think you are perfectly right; F5 }7 Z3 S3 P& n1 e) a9 j, [0 U6 y
Eating with sound is a pig; `& Z8 T1 a$ N" p9 h" I+ |

4 t4 x- ?8 m/ e! X; b. o" R  H& x1 TI fell in love with you
! ]4 U! {' p+ {$ E, x- k, [: ZBecome a fool to think9 C+ E, K8 T& F8 P. j* w
All trouble things you did
- M$ @  y+ ]) B' mAnd that is the price for love" P* ]6 I6 m+ F

2 m  b/ p1 k' h6 @you are deeply in love
- B8 T1 q6 c: Q( C) X5 ?! IEverything from me is negative+ F& ~& S  Z: O2 k3 {* M" d' Y
"My man should be like this,9 n$ y0 C, z+ t& `; y' R1 M
and I am helping you to improve'3 c* V: @( {7 p" Z# [$ E
. n( f. z2 N1 j$ Z
You are loving me
/ x( d6 F2 l! b0 @& p" L8 nor that one in your mind?
8 ^. a9 M+ S# P' p/ P; A3 l: f* FMy mind is like a mud  @1 l; d+ S9 Y* E. U
can be shaped whatever you want
, J1 B: s5 y* K: O5 P: E) {) {& g/ i0 D/ k% ^
unfortunalety not my heart
. w8 p; {3 |9 Z" zIt is slashed by you 8 m+ T9 }" w- Q/ }6 C% m! w
and I am seriously hurt
5 F! ~, D/ b( r+ i* ?( x6 A) q" x+ o4 ~( s
I will never love another
* U. X7 Q) g" o% v) |: OIf my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 7 z; m0 j& s7 B
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

4 \& v' S4 Z: r5 C6 ]7 ?# \. s! M/ M7 @4 ]
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
3 V& F0 a2 ]3 a7 y( d不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
: e6 N/ O, b: l6 s1 \i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
. Y0 ?- ]# e0 ?8 DAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed+ J5 O3 F: R: k+ O* f
9 Z! H: ~* V* d: z% C3 i
with the charm,& P4 O8 e$ y- M8 y" N$ o; @
with the simles.6 L/ j4 m& C! O
I fell in love with you
8 X2 g! f5 i6 f4 o& ~7 ~In the first sign.
: L; N8 E& F. v! G! E0 LAs spotting sky at a summer
3 W* R2 _8 v8 C3 g+ B
) S8 j: q3 D% VYour lip is so soft
- e! m. V7 V) Z& y8 {. B0 pthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss5 j3 o$ n" \# m+ a( N0 v/ C: D
Your body is so sexy
& G: ?* s, ]- Y- T# AAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
6 q8 {: `" N8 E$ J$ l6 ~
( v2 I9 S  N3 o3 S9 U* ^I am deeply in love# D7 u1 N0 ?0 I- w
Everything from you is so charming' Z* J6 M& D2 F! e, A# ^, m
although You r so picky for me
6 N# v" S  M( pAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
# ^6 Z6 L- O! A& S; wBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem5 A6 S. B& q# }5 R
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8 m& \) ^6 w7 x0 C+ P, gHis hello is the end of her endings$ Z5 N. F2 [" Z7 e
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle. j- G5 ~7 E. V1 ?& {1 |
His hand would be hers to hold forever# }+ e, [! Y' @# \* A# {) z
His forever is simply as her smile ' Y8 e$ ~. P2 e; f$ F" N
He said she was what was missing
7 N* I# L/ g, e* d: L3 d% g: AShe said instantly she knew
! N$ I: p1 Z8 JShe was a question to be answered
* E, ?, F5 W8 e$ n6 mAnd his answer is 3 v! f9 O7 U4 I& F; ]. \: P' A- ^2 ~
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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! \* H2 I7 E( ?+ I2 K1 f8 oBelow is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt8 k# G! }7 |% c/ u8 ]+ }0 w

5 r& c% M4 n4 b; uIt's amazing how I felt
  P; O* o7 H. [- Iwhen I was with you
- {% a8 q! p# w0 U) d* Q; @  ?6 WMy heart beat so fast
4 _/ F6 Y* a! l4 }  x# D- A; j3 r* ~I looked at you and thought* C  W/ {, W% W9 x
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
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8 e4 \- P  g  z* A/ T& hYou left me without a word
8 U# f4 X# M8 w4 `, m) E( j6 V7 fI have nothing except my emptiness
( J6 y( }: n) ]* YMy mood is like a cloud0 _. O. {, c. N/ H- P
How could it be dispersed?
+ g, t, s2 N9 L" ^. t# _, k  I! |9 [2 V' a1 r. u; J5 u
Feelings bite my heart
: @2 u, [! M8 C0 _You are the right one I wait
" ?7 G3 g7 p. q& SIn the depth of my soul4 \/ p% D, |  W5 ^$ O5 N
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, D, @5 j3 C( v
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
/ Y, T9 k0 [3 b: S就和用中文写一次
0 a7 v+ F  X& F2 R4 }阿,我爱你! x* ^' Z1 v" J2 e# E
你让我心跳好快2 L4 M/ ~; A8 n8 v
你让我脸发热( k6 Z0 o, }: E
我爱上你的大嘴唇
; `& m) o& t! Q/ MXXXXX
- w: n7 J8 E8 z8 X' W& O; W不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?0 J" Q9 A9 l  [- D$ d
; _! J  x$ @) U7 U1 z! M
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER# I9 f/ g2 ]  ~
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 5 P' W( u3 [; M5 P+ b8 E
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
3 A" v4 @) z, w: g4 s你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 j! P' _! b+ e5 i: a% A; Z$ o9 c$ f就和用中文写一次# d" B- H+ |% N; K
阿,我爱你
) a! }! w9 C4 [" |' y你让我心跳好快
& J: H4 @, {: P# ^; V3 [你让我脸发热% p- y3 U2 G6 E/ @) A) u2 K5 h) m
我爱上你的大嘴唇- W5 L$ J) A; k; |! W
XXXXX8 R1 ?, v6 f$ D0 ^
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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