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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
" d* g' d% Y( u9 j& y7 G; }3 \& N( i2 k3 x
I fell in love with you 8 f* x7 j/ c8 w' Z( A
At the first week we met* E- n& `) ^; F2 y' ~7 V

  M3 j. M( e) l! A, n4 |9 EYou have charm, you have looks
6 ^1 J3 h* _5 c4 Owith full of pimples in face
  @+ D4 ]8 Z- t% YAs spotting sky at a summer night
2 y+ Q, U4 W$ P- `& m' [* K) ^They are shining stars
* a0 e5 R$ F' a! r( M& ^
; V; I  j& M% {6 _0 VYour lip is so big$ i* O. E! s) E3 k
And that’s good for a kiss
; _. O# T- e+ m, a5 }7 oYour body is chubby
! z5 ?9 o& H, ~4 _0 i& p, e5 RAnd that is good for sex
9 x  s, |' g3 b; N3 X% i
' W& U% _& x" d. P2 j: {# SI was deeply in love- G2 |; A& k' A) X2 v  I
Everything from you is positive) N8 B  j' U5 z2 B, B
You blame me everything and everyday
* u9 g- g+ j7 u9 b7 z8 e$ rAnd I think all girls sound like
6 A9 W) f( ~, J1 E4 V0 Q; i! m5 p4 F7 C. \9 a7 ^! C! Z8 m
You could not stand my eating
: t, G) X7 `- V- F& dSaying no good for making funny sound8 Y% T$ W' s  X! C
I think you are perfectly right9 k. z% D) l8 m$ I! C) z( ]
Eating with sound is a pig; \4 ^+ n3 d, K' [! ~0 o
/ g6 l" M1 p, S  N- S
I fell in love with you ' ]) |4 q& ]' Z$ L8 M& t$ B2 f' k& J
Become a fool to think# e, E! M. |3 d# O
All trouble things you did
& z* N2 I! z7 V- _$ R* }7 LAnd that is the price for love+ G8 C0 ^/ ]2 ]) K/ Q. e" }
: A' q2 t+ I$ A! r5 U$ q
you are deeply in love
' k) ?" P5 d1 [6 T! B0 fEverything from me is negative& F' d! b4 l) N
"My man should be like this,
3 {: y5 u5 e- _! a+ xand I am helping you to improve'
; K- D/ b4 c. _) }# U4 i
4 C$ S8 Q- i! OYou are loving me
1 t. e5 D" L# x. b4 ior that one in your mind?! P) a' q2 q6 R+ Z6 e
My mind is like a mud8 e% M2 N8 c% @
can be shaped whatever you want# {- x, }2 e/ T7 R9 o; V
2 X5 ?9 p2 o8 i6 p- U1 C$ ?% ^
unfortunalety not my heart. j$ E- K/ M" U5 O8 n# T
It is slashed by you
# s8 z% P% a, y7 f. mand I am seriously hurt( {) D; w8 ^2 q' P# Z
$ z9 w6 \  F7 m! G! x0 D1 N
I will never love another 0 k  k) c6 |1 I+ t
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
4 n: _7 O9 v3 ~# M$ I1 o: Tmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

, J0 }% J2 m9 t. ?9 L; t
6 w2 R6 o* E# V4 N/ h, u/ B+ t0 K咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
1 I% V- c/ ^4 j. e7 C不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
- s  M+ u0 }6 ]! U$ D3 ri am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.) z* V  c* ?- P$ h# W' }
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
5 C  e: p0 S5 C9 T7 U, ~
" j: o/ z& Y, X% t' {3 q( mwith the charm,
0 o( H$ N' _) r1 B- |with the simles.
% @* I* e! T2 N' o$ qI fell in love with you 4 ~5 G; u! H# Q5 J7 z
In the first sign.9 D5 m& i9 E! `, w+ ]4 b6 B+ g
As spotting sky at a summer   |3 \+ X: p" k9 @7 G9 y

( s1 K+ r* A* \1 XYour lip is so soft % U0 Z% o4 t' n2 B4 i2 E2 D
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss% e1 o7 |, T) ~* K9 B7 E( q/ `$ J
Your body is so sexy
" ?; T0 y0 ^" _" h9 OAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u., Q: W% l1 f; j& j: D( N+ ]8 c

5 x1 u2 D- F0 v' u) rI am deeply in love
  ?1 l" U/ G' R$ jEverything from you is so charming' A+ p8 n0 q& V3 N
although You r so picky for me ' U# R( ~8 a$ f+ X
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
/ d  `& S, t+ {5 X6 g3 A* {But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem5 r) z9 r8 |4 t2 A: |# C

' q2 `1 C% g- n& |/ F* F$ ~
7 q* }- d2 Y& |( m# C. \His hello is the end of her endings+ `+ K! C; Y1 d4 ~. D, z" ]  e
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
5 o7 n% H5 O* x9 o2 ^His hand would be hers to hold forever+ O" P6 H) `! e4 X5 L4 q
His forever is simply as her smile
1 ], S# s2 N4 P4 W3 bHe said she was what was missing4 p" Q# Q/ k( b( F1 s) }- T
She said instantly she knew  ~- p" A. j- [) V& C# |- @& h, a
She was a question to be answered
0 A! W% h0 m' E) L. }/ U2 a, }And his answer is
/ W% t- P* A2 o, WI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
! v1 O0 n+ r% l+ _& h7 z4 E* k7 V" T! _0 j" _$ A
It's amazing how I felt
% h7 V. x1 a' F: o$ D  M, j# vwhen I was with you! @5 S! R0 j8 t; d: b  |
My heart beat so fast$ S4 ^9 i( r9 e8 M9 S; F
I looked at you and thought0 [& a: r* u$ c+ P
Holy Jesus, you were so cute' P6 Z0 _- o0 T# T; H% D) N

- T1 t" C1 Z/ p9 t  n% z- uYou left me without a word
0 F4 z6 [8 o  y& l* N+ PI have nothing except my emptiness. X) A9 q+ {$ e" M$ Q
My mood is like a cloud: G6 z9 x; }5 g8 k/ U" r$ O/ b
How could it be dispersed?8 K) I" v" n) a- P! u( G
& ?/ K4 b( b) h
Feelings bite my heart
- i$ I$ V& x* W. g* ^' k2 }You are the right one I wait1 k3 ~* \3 K5 k' ]$ L4 K$ \4 ]
In the depth of my soul- D/ [5 O) ]/ L, |  V8 B" D2 [
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美8 W; Z. h: E" J, g: s3 X" n# g
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道0 _, K* c/ h& m; T( H
就和用中文写一次( X1 [5 M$ y+ t6 N
阿,我爱你3 v5 D& a3 `% [+ K3 }* t9 N
你让我心跳好快6 W# ?  f6 k& n; E6 Y' x, [
你让我脸发热
2 O* p9 [1 [4 `# F% v; v+ t, i我爱上你的大嘴唇1 w9 d' N6 Z1 E
XXXXX
  ^* O# J7 \- t不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
2 U) {, R! l* {8 }0 A" d
' Z' V6 x4 F4 n  c如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER$ y' n7 ]$ _$ u  B# T
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
6 [4 s# T0 b! X; k闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. l* H/ H6 U6 H5 {! u你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
' D1 W% k( l$ v) E0 O4 H* ]就和用中文写一次
$ e( k. k2 x3 e  K7 N阿,我爱你
+ i; p2 b8 F! o- `$ S1 I你让我心跳好快5 r, a1 U# L2 N# u+ ?5 g
你让我脸发热: H4 c$ h9 `7 k& M
我爱上你的大嘴唇8 P9 Z' M0 a- r. Z
XXXXX! x2 n7 K$ I$ j+ u* ^
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

9 ]9 a9 N7 J+ R
& f- C" P) b$ U% M/ P靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
* W! r( _1 g: }# x+ k3 v  _+ Q* U
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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