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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love, a7 L$ ^9 e, Z6 _; v4 @
9 @$ N4 |. y/ g0 ^. l5 |$ b
I fell in love with you
0 i* R* b3 D& F" O0 R5 {6 AAt the first week we met3 h8 r# I; u" x! y7 C0 \' u
! i1 A3 p2 Q+ \1 j1 s
You have charm, you have looks% m5 k( T2 j4 G# @' L( n
with full of pimples in face( X$ b7 T* x, [7 x- x) L
As spotting sky at a summer night  z. R! k5 |3 Z8 n5 v" A+ Y0 g' `
They are shining stars
8 S+ b: u" |. l4 M$ A. |# @7 C# Q, f4 v9 J& |, }' V: o
Your lip is so big
' m7 x5 h* C: I8 j0 nAnd that’s good for a kiss
# P7 i. \2 N: {( x8 tYour body is chubby
# P6 C  B+ q0 [4 \$ L% ZAnd that is good for sex
8 [& i0 C0 P: P5 a
' ~' s& z8 g5 V- c. zI was deeply in love
8 V( K* j' f0 [6 p9 jEverything from you is positive
5 I. L* {6 b" v+ [% hYou blame me everything and everyday
! v+ B9 U4 h* ?* K9 g9 `And I think all girls sound like
7 N  D3 ?# M1 U! b! B) ?4 f/ \5 O* T2 l$ c  {* G% w
You could not stand my eating
2 ]! X, d4 l! bSaying no good for making funny sound4 z, T3 ]) I- E3 z; {$ G; _
I think you are perfectly right4 L$ |+ Y% B- ]3 c3 S. ]. o. p8 G
Eating with sound is a pig
# m3 H4 o+ W% P. H7 G4 h3 k, A! K# }# k) j. R- N- ?
I fell in love with you
) U8 N2 ^3 x3 {. b" |# \9 ]$ XBecome a fool to think
$ m4 ?% n, E3 _$ B& E/ D, wAll trouble things you did$ {8 @4 V* |0 _( N9 f5 u( \5 y
And that is the price for love& T% `" o) E5 ^. U: H4 _
* G4 {5 f5 `5 g
you are deeply in love$ g$ u& x1 k& _" P( Q0 I8 Z3 K
Everything from me is negative
4 b4 a; `0 M5 e4 a! C4 b"My man should be like this,
7 a+ I; P; _& k9 Z5 n5 T) U" u$ band I am helping you to improve'+ @" e* j# Y# M6 k7 u

7 d' Q+ \! P, L! u6 s4 e$ D& L" oYou are loving me 1 V" a2 P  l( q8 r( _8 ]% B! N
or that one in your mind?
  J7 z% i4 }" r; W! X5 G& bMy mind is like a mud
5 n/ v+ ~7 S* N! Z) `, {) ccan be shaped whatever you want
4 y$ H2 ~. W+ [* t* I2 |( r' `7 `( @( t7 ?- d$ f2 w
unfortunalety not my heart
2 \& j% Q' U% t3 c* {6 a# C$ iIt is slashed by you
+ s' M, I5 n- w( X7 Sand I am seriously hurt" h' J  N- ~( Z$ D

0 {3 S) W0 W' SI will never love another $ n  [0 M$ C2 |) d* l/ w% u  r4 Y
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 3 y7 k2 V  Y) k% N$ s
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

- e. P2 l" Q! K5 o" u) F; b; r
: C- t: n0 [; w% {8 s7 w咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
3 I! h* ~8 K1 n, N/ i+ \, C# Q+ u1 G不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
- r# u! [* i; h& r  Gi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.! \! f. A" h1 ]+ y
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed( [* X% [' n2 Q) c, g+ ^8 _

9 l, O+ ~6 Q! q+ O1 g- C  Kwith the charm,
% Z- X  Z) r8 R6 w8 d7 Iwith the simles.
% g8 l- F# Z- N$ t9 i, qI fell in love with you
3 g5 h" `" G' ~- Q5 T5 P9 dIn the first sign.
2 k6 r+ u# n6 z  A; e  ~As spotting sky at a summer 3 Y. p" a3 q8 M# s! v/ a; g
& z: X5 x* N" t# {& j. h
Your lip is so soft ' I# N5 j% w  S+ Y$ K
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
( Q  }! e6 _0 x) J2 y  vYour body is so sexy
1 h$ G) c, R  Y& r% h! n& TAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.' {* N9 c' B: h1 I; l' t5 {

) N7 A* a) e. \( jI am deeply in love2 u+ _3 I) n7 L0 L; ~' s
Everything from you is so charming
2 J' K# T; K, ^( z. v/ K& N1 B4 Ealthough You r so picky for me 7 ?3 U, D0 ]/ S  ?0 P
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.) V" p1 z; W& j2 W( ^
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem- V: K% {& G5 N
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0 L: }, f1 V# ?; O5 _5 E
His hello is the end of her endings9 U% H: a, C1 W2 S
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle  t5 b! _' F$ H
His hand would be hers to hold forever" k9 A" G. Y. g: z4 U9 g  H4 ]; z6 L* w0 a
His forever is simply as her smile 7 z8 l0 b+ A9 F: Q$ b
He said she was what was missing/ a# A/ O/ h0 o2 [. a2 J7 o; g- X# y" H
She said instantly she knew
! }- E- j" b+ D4 |She was a question to be answered9 f$ ?# M' S: F
And his answer is # |" `# m4 u" e  M: k) D
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas5 g0 C1 y# l2 c6 b5 I9 k: {2 C
5 s& q, @2 W+ ]0 I& e' u  u7 d' S
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
, Y7 z( M! v- k" I! a0 C0 `( k5 v+ i# t' a( R
It's amazing how I felt   A5 z4 \3 v) d& X/ L; c! f; |0 Q
when I was with you
0 A; z# n! A( y7 ^( VMy heart beat so fast
& h% I& Y' N" GI looked at you and thought- z7 P  k, }* o* L7 t- W
Holy Jesus, you were so cute1 x( u0 V$ \9 g0 b. B
$ H# m8 T$ b: J% B1 g3 B
You left me without a word
8 d7 A& S6 @' L8 R/ qI have nothing except my emptiness
( ~$ F% X: A  s: x# YMy mood is like a cloud  D, b1 j: f4 E" z( w! R& }
How could it be dispersed?+ p$ N0 |9 \! }2 d! `; M
4 r0 D& [& f" j& \- R- `. J
Feelings bite my heart
4 i' y1 D9 \" E) A, d& WYou are the right one I wait! d5 f9 r* [9 Y# S6 m- g
In the depth of my soul$ L, U3 e! \8 O, `4 R- s
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 ?% U& k" X8 S) m/ i: O. @
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道3 {9 L5 v4 i- M0 a
就和用中文写一次; X9 S) H( B+ I. N' N
阿,我爱你
3 f( O0 l- m3 p& t# U7 S你让我心跳好快
, W. z  ?' \6 k7 j你让我脸发热
; c# Q+ x' e* W4 |& |# n6 @) \我爱上你的大嘴唇4 x" i0 g/ _, S% U6 z
XXXXX( s4 s" L- T, x2 C; Q
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?, |8 k* j  z4 |6 f. }% R
, y! V* ~( X( g5 q4 l; c: _
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER( d, B* [. q* J; |6 k7 b
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - i& Z4 F* |$ Q$ @& V& m5 S0 \7 m
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 i5 E5 j1 Y) y% H( f4 t7 f+ y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道- B2 D$ L! {2 {
就和用中文写一次4 J! S! p9 t) k$ B6 D
阿,我爱你
/ y( f* T( x3 S/ p1 h' c你让我心跳好快
$ F5 s6 }8 O: J& K/ M  d你让我脸发热
& i1 [; O& ^. S& l# e  i8 [我爱上你的大嘴唇
& y2 N/ [3 j; |8 IXXXXX/ ]; H0 {# O7 O$ b  G9 ~. g
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

) C& t, _! t  t( o0 E: F! E
3 u: M2 Z+ e& N: w+ ?5 B) s; }靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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