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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
2 b: y- D9 z' n" x- ]; o
, w# o! _- p- ^( G4 ]I fell in love with you
% F6 O( H; K  m6 C4 pAt the first week we met
! |0 C+ ?) n; f( l( i5 l& ^
% u  [) {$ n7 ^You have charm, you have looks
: L) Y0 f8 J# \6 e3 d* F1 ~" }with full of pimples in face' z5 h! `- z  t7 _( g7 s8 k
As spotting sky at a summer night+ z3 h7 i- g9 u2 z, A
They are shining stars
! n- N* q9 G% Q; C8 G4 U
; L1 H# Z7 _: ~, d! Y0 |Your lip is so big
$ A- C) i, x6 T+ pAnd that’s good for a kiss" L+ W: M) p8 v4 w: m, Q. i
Your body is chubby+ p# ^, s4 F7 y. w
And that is good for sex0 Z' j5 W8 t7 h; [* I" U
* I3 R1 a: R1 S! D
I was deeply in love
5 P/ {: P( P! L7 T$ ]  m# U1 O! IEverything from you is positive8 D( h" {; D) o
You blame me everything and everyday
. T: f# B% f& f6 ?+ U9 wAnd I think all girls sound like
- c5 A( y, u7 t8 ^: `9 {
1 l! s9 s! P+ N! C/ q) ?4 E/ T6 tYou could not stand my eating
! q6 }, }& }3 K+ ASaying no good for making funny sound0 G" x. m# A$ R: W  V1 x
I think you are perfectly right) K$ I9 X3 p) D- Q/ _2 p$ v# v; v
Eating with sound is a pig4 B/ ~- v- }; ~' P

4 U3 C9 O  |5 |1 E9 b9 ?I fell in love with you " \, e  H7 F) z! M* U
Become a fool to think" \9 R8 Q3 C: ^% i! B) R; e( z9 e
All trouble things you did
! [! _& F% I. {% ]+ mAnd that is the price for love7 o' H4 }, G. m* x2 O# M

0 g4 p* s, @" O! r4 m. _you are deeply in love
) G8 u2 z7 p3 rEverything from me is negative  J; s7 f$ H1 F- u9 T
"My man should be like this,
& Y  b6 Z0 s# yand I am helping you to improve'4 {9 s% ~8 ?* i( ~: w# C6 s* x

. G! f5 w. h: ]& O  u4 GYou are loving me
9 Z4 l) G. y+ D; {* D" y. B0 Ror that one in your mind?# m( J; j& U9 y; _
My mind is like a mud( \. v/ Z* c% |% `" q0 X6 B- q8 Q
can be shaped whatever you want
2 d  K& k( L: P3 @' f/ D# J* w, F1 Z  K3 P7 P
unfortunalety not my heart
) L5 b2 I& u5 b6 r& cIt is slashed by you 4 i& {- b' P" y( `
and I am seriously hurt$ ^8 w. \0 i# h

+ f; N" }% Y: G* b; @& x* T3 K9 ]I will never love another # @$ |5 o/ ^7 I* p# ?) a7 ~
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表   y. l4 [4 l2 U
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
: F0 S7 k& q* ^
) `) U) G# U7 M1 J' o  d
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
* d9 L  Y2 R: u" d2 n不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 5 G% Z+ Y& z% Z$ N: g% J& t/ ^
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
7 G8 x. e/ g0 V% GAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
6 r: F' r2 T2 h7 [+ S1 H  u" H1 W& B5 q6 \2 ~% d2 Y
with the charm," M2 M+ T& A+ r# W, i- V
with the simles.3 d  m# D/ L8 o0 s+ e
I fell in love with you $ p+ Z9 t" L- t7 m1 ~! i
In the first sign.! A) A) w$ d% v0 c
As spotting sky at a summer $ B% P$ C) p  M; V1 _
$ G2 M) t  Y% Z; G! ~! \5 F: _
Your lip is so soft   ?  p' m+ z* v# Q! b; D2 u8 F
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss/ i2 R! p& f' i! s, t
Your body is so sexy
/ J0 P8 e4 K8 bAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
; y( _3 ~! a, @" j  d& }3 `7 f& b! C/ K" q) G! Q! Q- r, D1 f) H8 }
I am deeply in love
" d/ l. |: v2 N" y+ R) Z$ eEverything from you is so charming6 r* D0 V4 U/ \9 _& `+ T
although You r so picky for me 9 k6 h: M/ H+ _8 P8 W+ z
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
9 H/ Y8 A( H* BBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem9 d; U# }2 Y8 [4 {3 t
$ {, O. I! V1 O( x& V
6 _' t8 v3 @7 X4 q( ~& n
His hello is the end of her endings
3 H* l& a8 ]6 f9 c0 ?# iHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle6 Z, _' J6 v# A) @" R0 N
His hand would be hers to hold forever; A6 q; Q4 v8 r1 h
His forever is simply as her smile
3 s7 J6 |+ J( l: t4 s6 P4 hHe said she was what was missing# T! P% Z' f" j1 A+ u. J) ~# [
She said instantly she knew
, L1 m/ x! J1 HShe was a question to be answered
/ W9 i# @% {& uAnd his answer is
1 d' X: W% J4 j8 A+ II do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
, C- ~! y( i% Q7 a# C
9 ^" M# ?1 K8 dBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt1 Q- V# p, [. m! J! `0 V
- p$ n+ |% x8 N. S. l( K
It's amazing how I felt 3 r9 m0 m* S# |. l& ^6 v& T. a
when I was with you$ h5 A0 E: w' k' C3 O- L1 G
My heart beat so fast9 o: D1 z5 X; e7 \* ?8 w/ l
I looked at you and thought
9 p1 H+ W: g) O/ u& U1 EHoly Jesus, you were so cute4 W. m4 a; H9 z2 A
. T' z4 j) k# @
You left me without a word
4 n' S5 d- d+ Z1 _I have nothing except my emptiness
9 ~0 V# B& ?; u+ Y7 AMy mood is like a cloud3 }9 f, c$ |# h2 s: X
How could it be dispersed?, o) h9 n5 B; x6 L/ v. Q
6 @9 C0 {; C$ v) q. L, T# i, d
Feelings bite my heart
4 H) v( Y2 [; m5 i( f6 [You are the right one I wait1 ^0 p& V3 [; x6 a
In the depth of my soul' P# q4 `7 f; E' N7 s
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
1 D% x! j" s) {2 |; y4 h; C你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道  ]- m! `  d( _/ y
就和用中文写一次: F4 f3 P% s3 z" Z! Y
阿,我爱你$ }  L0 u) [' V
你让我心跳好快
9 K- S+ k9 s) t你让我脸发热- U2 O2 c) v7 A
我爱上你的大嘴唇8 ]$ P7 X$ i( V% H% p0 W
XXXXX
% g* L- |9 W! C' N/ c) _8 L不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?5 D6 ^% Q2 {. [: c  Z9 x) |/ D" N' g

/ C  R- \1 Z# t4 R9 y( ^1 l  m如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
2 M2 ~- Q$ r" l- h$ n, v至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 " T# c' h" x5 k( Q6 q( N
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美8 y- h* `+ ^; u6 h
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 v3 q  V4 c6 K7 G2 l/ `9 P7 o2 J就和用中文写一次% \3 o$ D  l# a$ E
阿,我爱你8 s# ]) D. e# |8 W8 M  u
你让我心跳好快7 C( p$ _7 D0 P- \, H  c' E1 p
你让我脸发热
/ y2 c- n- ]2 g, s* L2 ?  y我爱上你的大嘴唇: l- o: E. q) T+ W
XXXXX
1 ^2 U0 q. e9 W不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
' W* q" q% U  X
5 p" U3 G/ j* T  x9 T
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
& ~8 ~; g6 _) ^& x% [
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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