我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
6 |% n  u9 B$ s8 X. T) H2 c
; a1 I- C# A) H9 _9 s6 [I fell in love with you
0 A- N: y7 v) b, R' eAt the first week we met

0 `3 r+ Q3 J* Q/ p. J! Y# TYou have charm, you have looks
3 \. T5 m8 i0 }with full of pimples in face
$ S# \/ E2 E8 \) x9 SAs spotting sky at a summer night
/ C  z' K( V/ [# S2 I) A! H0 V( EThey are shining stars

. d9 g7 I7 K, \9 ~1 u2 X' A: aYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
' D* K8 |( b/ Y# v! u3 BEverything from you is positive
+ t2 y9 G3 |9 o' k* CYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
+ ^" b* |( K" b/ O1 P3 j
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
* o; _% y9 `3 g# _  [, G
I fell in love with you
" J) z8 S, Q8 a- T% ]7 ?. MBecome a fool to think
* ^# [# j  r- j4 HAll trouble things you did
" x: h5 D# X/ F- B* w% ]And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
) o* F; a" C5 c9 Z& nEverything from me is negative
' F, S$ C; a5 I' [, @"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
( T- d/ ~7 l- \" u5 P  u
- B/ y4 S& w: J# s  ]You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
' v" E) U; w/ k0 XMy mind is like a mud
! ]* |: v6 w0 ?7 A8 H: r0 y% @can be shaped whatever you want

$ Z. ]/ Z* b5 _) v- W+ d& Junfortunalety not my heart
5 U' h7 s; g# L, l! u% G" gIt is slashed by you
6 }4 `+ j" J* Y' @) ^5 L" s( \: \and I am seriously hurt
( h& l! i1 |6 S% i4 R9 `9 i- _
I will never love another
5 I" q4 J; O/ kIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! _# ^( L9 ?2 R2 V* x
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
, G) h" j, t$ }- hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

  E" X" B0 G3 i0 Gwith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
$ Z' t/ t( g5 T! q4 u+ L' e+ ?7 FAs spotting sky at a summer
$ _7 [9 C/ q! m5 V5 y
Your lip is so soft
! }: ~: M9 r; t: ythere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
8 D7 ^3 p$ _5 J& W3 q. LAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
: \, G1 `/ }. v9 q# fEverything from you is so charming
) F* G- l1 ?1 T" G: r9 p  K& |, qalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
) b8 ~" ~1 Z1 v6 P5 u! @6 L+ _
7 j& y  U: H) p2 `
/ C) r1 @' m; e' A6 _5 ^/ CHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
& |' d4 r$ r' \" mHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
. O. R% i: y' w7 f1 h- _% _He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
# y, k- z# b; b  `- o1 LShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

( ^9 |6 c- c& j+ G# M& ~Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
0 V$ z9 W7 ^1 p
It's amazing how I felt
8 o. P0 W( j$ Lwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
+ [- X" g8 V6 x0 TI looked at you and thought
1 y! e5 F' q  ]) e6 j, dHoly Jesus, you were so cute

* r3 Q1 v1 U5 k2 PYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
4 T/ z, M+ l3 t* k9 ~7 @) w6 MHow could it be dispersed?
7 d9 o/ m4 t2 E  I
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
4 R, F& Y# `3 O0 CI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( R/ v! G, j9 X$ P你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
: i: d1 i/ a# @1 D就和用中文写一次
0 ?$ h1 |1 S9 @8 V8 ?9 X阿,我爱你
8 A% ^& Z8 V5 c你让我心跳好快
+ y+ l5 ?, Y" p) m4 _+ v你让我脸发热
& e: _5 ^& m4 F. X9 i, r$ K我爱上你的大嘴唇
- R( a' x1 H; dXXXXX
. f+ M) b( U& }不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
% X: X$ V2 L: t& A
2 ^( L( P5 \5 ~& v0 ^! ~: _% _6 [如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
1 m+ }/ h: R+ _7 _0 D至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
) ^+ w; F. z& D" `1 l闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
) e  w, ?6 J- [+ M) c1 q4 i你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
) y4 j5 @5 `- a- T( @, W0 J8 B阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
9 Z: d2 {! z+ [你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 M; d0 ^9 ~' _2 D7 S* E# B+ LXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

3 Z) F& O- G% L2 a* L靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。