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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love" _/ S$ ^4 J4 ~* }" M4 K6 {7 H

- g4 b" U7 Z7 B, T# [I fell in love with you
: u# j" m& P5 C, a% I+ A$ h; IAt the first week we met
+ S9 B5 v! C. d4 O& S, ]0 t- }1 h
( [) W! M$ _# P# ^; V9 ]You have charm, you have looks
0 {- a0 ]0 l% Gwith full of pimples in face; b6 ~; e2 @! G4 Z5 o$ G2 Q! w3 m" X
As spotting sky at a summer night  d! d6 o2 |1 p* z* T# z
They are shining stars
9 E* I4 z6 U+ T1 O; P9 O* q0 M: `$ P9 P# w' a" ~8 y8 l& \
Your lip is so big$ u; @& m6 H" w# J. C& g
And that’s good for a kiss
+ G7 l' K$ t2 q: D0 Z4 T! O$ [) KYour body is chubby- a! H, O6 [6 f* e* l
And that is good for sex8 R# r6 ], C8 A( C+ b" A7 a) X

' D) X6 c4 i" N5 s  Q; ?( ^- ^# {I was deeply in love
4 h: U. B3 `- C* N5 AEverything from you is positive
4 r3 F0 u4 B% v3 f. ^- j$ AYou blame me everything and everyday2 W2 o0 ~  B: O. B$ E- J3 j
And I think all girls sound like. F* O& ~& W( |
6 P. \  k+ M: y: c  a7 ?/ Z
You could not stand my eating
( n7 y( N" p; iSaying no good for making funny sound
" z  f- r& k& ]# k& o1 aI think you are perfectly right6 p$ M4 a0 k8 Q4 j! _% i
Eating with sound is a pig
$ F" Z7 a+ z& S0 v4 U5 T. \6 d( k1 _; q& ^6 o+ c
I fell in love with you 4 r1 O! X$ j1 X: Q1 I
Become a fool to think
2 ]4 c# {. E# v! BAll trouble things you did0 p: b- }: W8 |+ r* h. ~
And that is the price for love. n- l/ ?- z: J( \1 a0 Z
2 l0 q1 M' s, d' r( S2 j
you are deeply in love
. b+ P2 ~8 D3 e4 H& N/ L* l) X1 VEverything from me is negative
* F1 ^" J8 N: v( F" I"My man should be like this,5 ?' c/ p& @6 W! X
and I am helping you to improve'
- {4 d9 G1 J7 o" t# R# {7 e) L* k' w3 ^3 I' f. ~" t- R
You are loving me
: q' `3 k2 i) ^8 R. eor that one in your mind?) Z2 y6 d+ v; u; k4 `
My mind is like a mud+ e& o# u! u+ X; n, |
can be shaped whatever you want+ [- A# i( {$ P: M
$ Z; y  l0 @( _& _
unfortunalety not my heart
( K  f& `: [/ ]0 v9 F' ^  eIt is slashed by you
' P% a7 g8 I# R% b: E5 jand I am seriously hurt9 @, A* B7 u6 M0 U( V
1 O( [2 |3 w4 S
I will never love another
5 ^* I! I8 X* x# f& ]If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
: A1 K9 D6 R2 d2 \# n9 q  Dmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% C: ~1 w* t7 l! j  [$ w! F/ m; x. Q$ ~! t, B) F( b
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!; a% j- e3 T7 u9 w0 R/ G2 w
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
; [  |# T  M  pi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.. l7 Y) q3 v  [8 U9 x
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed: @& R' E! I) H% Z2 v

) K( l5 e/ E& v! ]6 ewith the charm,
+ g" _* j3 z, X. V9 D. ewith the simles.
' g- b$ b3 u5 JI fell in love with you
: c, n" {5 ~& _+ a, v' f/ r% AIn the first sign.
% I& r5 ]. `5 D: U/ IAs spotting sky at a summer 1 o3 B; {$ _* m1 a% Z

9 r$ E( @1 F* f0 gYour lip is so soft $ B" R3 r  c. I+ `- h
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss: t- [+ M3 k2 ?
Your body is so sexy3 K1 p+ J5 w4 e  D0 i* b4 a2 P& i
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
- @" _$ z* T3 m- S4 C
% R1 u5 B' O6 z( a) ^, {9 h+ WI am deeply in love: W$ f6 ]' ]0 u/ T/ P2 {; C8 N
Everything from you is so charming
3 M# L4 q/ G" K/ ?5 ?8 dalthough You r so picky for me
: r: a$ I' @5 M3 X: q; ?( ~# ]0 \And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
" Q: C0 y3 y4 f2 W# yBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
1 \4 E( l$ w2 @6 U. Y5 H: S1 O6 _4 _! d2 H* Z; ]9 q: d9 w
3 G/ k; w' {- O" s! W9 V/ w
His hello is the end of her endings1 T$ F0 H% ~8 A$ K3 o; j
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
7 V; e9 `: \( ]' A+ R- I( u" i3 ^1 fHis hand would be hers to hold forever
0 E1 W  M& |; H/ S; H- SHis forever is simply as her smile
) `+ |: v9 Q3 e$ S3 QHe said she was what was missing
) }- M) J) H& X8 W7 ]. D" iShe said instantly she knew
; n* F) [/ U0 d. [! P4 |- nShe was a question to be answered
0 j$ E, o& h" d5 V, w5 iAnd his answer is 4 K) r3 x- X: P7 f0 O% t+ q
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas2 [- N7 w/ ~- J5 Q. u0 w2 g
  T% z2 }: U1 `! p( y+ O
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
% ]( [; G6 q; x; t; f8 D
# W. m: O& {) L- vIt's amazing how I felt
$ x% T, W2 c' t' i2 C- }8 Y: Pwhen I was with you
; C8 n) _3 U" j4 s% xMy heart beat so fast
5 m+ h& P- r8 q; Z5 [# s  z0 h$ {I looked at you and thought9 S, X) D& W2 f( w* n; L0 B
Holy Jesus, you were so cute/ C% G6 L/ W" g- A2 a+ E
# d. c! B$ k- Y( A# y7 j8 c) ?, f
You left me without a word0 K7 S9 b. [, y) ^3 I
I have nothing except my emptiness
6 P* z! `: H/ n$ t" `My mood is like a cloud
! o# o/ P+ N1 {How could it be dispersed?
, M# h! Z2 q$ E( u( Y! K
2 X" f% N' Y: ]) LFeelings bite my heart 9 d3 b8 D0 f  b+ o* \* {; E2 V
You are the right one I wait
' G# l$ W$ Y) j! i1 RIn the depth of my soul
6 K9 s& ^) r0 [, h' t* fI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
3 O+ J) A4 @% q! O" s% N+ r你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
  g6 V8 n% H0 ^( f5 Y# C6 E就和用中文写一次
, m" \# t4 f7 o0 k% Q阿,我爱你. z" _0 ]3 ]( {. b$ j; V  N$ l1 U
你让我心跳好快
1 k9 G* c! J) }, k* n% n你让我脸发热( {1 h4 b: A+ {8 e( i- _3 d
我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ b2 e; N9 H: XXXXXX
1 i! b" W. G$ Z2 }5 o不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?) t0 m' }7 X* @2 L  u+ \- D
1 A5 c1 n2 V3 E. Y' O. G( t
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER% `$ q* Q( g' X( \+ @, X" O% K- t
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 . ]9 B0 [3 U$ C+ U( I% J: Q
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
# |# _4 r6 H3 w你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道& J) J8 {: D4 z
就和用中文写一次* A% p  [( z: f0 p0 T: \8 E- Z4 X
阿,我爱你
: h& ^# n# O$ M7 d  M2 ~/ |+ s( O你让我心跳好快
# d" e/ O8 Y2 B6 p你让我脸发热( m' ?( E& ?( I0 }0 y
我爱上你的大嘴唇" E7 ?, ]- T: F' r" P; u$ a$ x
XXXXX
: q# e. H) K  p; J3 m不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
! l" F: ?  e, B3 I/ J6 q
' B% t8 [) Q2 K# {6 T& ~' O! |
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.- {& b0 {  A3 Z1 C. N
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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