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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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( D5 q: n9 n: F- Y5 J9 gI fell in love with you " R4 @: H! E1 T/ {! @
At the first week we met: I7 |8 o- U0 \/ ]8 ?( p" N9 C

$ k5 o& K% `& S9 _$ C8 ]You have charm, you have looks
9 G+ P5 H- u$ u% gwith full of pimples in face
, V8 r  @# l. j7 S0 C1 [0 X( ?As spotting sky at a summer night
  |' V: v9 |1 N1 Q) p; n1 vThey are shining stars
5 g. ]5 ^- U9 S! T/ V3 I  y. R, d  ?1 T/ k; L' G
Your lip is so big1 u& c& @# I- |
And that’s good for a kiss
  b/ O. z8 H8 b  Q6 b# N7 D; D8 }! MYour body is chubby
( S! Q; l: k/ p  zAnd that is good for sex( I3 @- d- c/ y% o/ q" u4 o; c# U
8 w% `* i: Q- w. ]6 g( C7 B
I was deeply in love* M' D' X, f' E) P2 C
Everything from you is positive
5 }( }5 p; n+ g" J. s# {You blame me everything and everyday- e% ~' P  V7 d  j, w- ^0 w4 z
And I think all girls sound like, q' T' y* A0 B5 p" T4 @" |! W

2 i" D+ d5 v  P& TYou could not stand my eating
% |8 O3 z% J: `! E; t3 QSaying no good for making funny sound
; z" f. t4 E6 P1 kI think you are perfectly right
5 _4 P' g7 a9 l2 F7 X) x- yEating with sound is a pig
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I fell in love with you , O! J: ~0 |; O" U4 ~
Become a fool to think
" V+ B3 Y) q0 j$ R6 m6 JAll trouble things you did* D/ H1 B! S& x4 t& s" q5 P8 v
And that is the price for love
& q/ E$ L: s3 F- ]! T" H( G+ }
( K6 V1 Z+ r0 p! }you are deeply in love) d8 [" M4 |  C2 p5 n0 [
Everything from me is negative  f0 l- p/ _; O
"My man should be like this,
- U  m! h7 ~. b) M2 M9 ?and I am helping you to improve'  ~2 \3 o# n8 P" ?3 i0 j* r2 ?' x1 T

# _1 J2 q9 u* M/ HYou are loving me ( _+ ~2 d" @6 d! }8 ?2 E! G* A
or that one in your mind?) }; ]* t9 p) N' S
My mind is like a mud
- a0 K3 L/ s# Z' H" o! {. pcan be shaped whatever you want/ P% N* M  j8 J# ]- z. Z2 ?* Z
4 A: }) }  ~7 K- l7 p/ h+ l
unfortunalety not my heart& |. C4 Y7 a9 n- t: f8 Q
It is slashed by you
  T" v' v0 }" M  r8 Eand I am seriously hurt  |8 O; A" a  T  F, V+ ]; y# j5 H2 Y

) h3 e2 I* t5 h& g# V2 tI will never love another ; q2 Q, @( T& E7 @, i4 y; K
If my heart can be fixed
大型搬家
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 + q9 b; K. O* l# p
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
0 X! W/ u5 A' q7 s$ V, @  @
4 Q# S/ {6 c% v* s$ S8 H; L
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 W6 Y: w5 j- R" m8 O  P不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 3 a9 S$ y9 q& d
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.& l0 X+ l* J& j
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed1 ?3 Z8 f- s$ F) Q, u4 J4 `

- Z* @: F9 o" g1 j3 z! m5 f: Owith the charm,
7 T8 F# r/ h6 v0 t& m% g) t9 pwith the simles.
: C3 q( l6 i7 R! I* mI fell in love with you ) w6 c7 Z2 i+ S6 A# U
In the first sign.  B2 i8 ]5 z9 ?' D5 c; E& Y/ I
As spotting sky at a summer
& H; T; c2 N* o& S: A4 d  Y- ~% A* |9 I8 r' h( T
Your lip is so soft
8 w' z$ E3 L5 A0 s- M7 lthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss6 v" Q9 t6 f! V& [' S+ m/ R
Your body is so sexy! L: \5 p/ z. R! B9 A* j
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
9 R. W6 H* |+ l5 J1 e
2 Q! L# a6 `6 b5 m5 vI am deeply in love3 O- I6 K5 s/ t5 Q
Everything from you is so charming
8 ]5 r. x- i8 c8 s. r1 P; r1 H: {7 Yalthough You r so picky for me
' w1 S- C6 Z$ O5 k* y% kAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.! N: P7 u& I+ {5 e
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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1 Q9 ?. Q9 U. R# N$ F4 u
* A) E. ]  [- V# {! fHis hello is the end of her endings
5 s1 L" v% ?! s0 y6 Y! UHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
9 l  f! E" d7 k- A3 ^# VHis hand would be hers to hold forever
8 C( `, R- O6 E* J- O+ @His forever is simply as her smile
# S8 I( o0 l6 v9 THe said she was what was missing% ]5 q! u  M, A- m
She said instantly she knew
0 Y" G9 ^" h1 o' I$ iShe was a question to be answered
$ L- y- R% X5 k% {& R3 SAnd his answer is ) P# b% U% I& U" [8 @
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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! I. H, n% z4 e3 D# aBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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It's amazing how I felt + }# E5 L* q+ I% X( X( K# M
when I was with you+ o, o& I9 |4 D6 m4 B9 s
My heart beat so fast
6 F5 b9 f2 w6 l$ @/ S  \I looked at you and thought
+ h% x, D) y9 v0 q- _3 VHoly Jesus, you were so cute
/ A: C5 f  K" @' t8 m4 T/ V5 m2 }5 y% o0 Y, q/ C" ]
You left me without a word
0 M% i: N# T) P- y9 M$ X( L& eI have nothing except my emptiness0 |6 r4 X5 }2 P( N/ o: c3 P; Z
My mood is like a cloud
8 r. m. R) G0 Z  I2 U8 s& c% N. CHow could it be dispersed?4 |- t( J- W  V8 L  O; G+ G

( l% w. a" i) k3 C9 M# |/ TFeelings bite my heart
& I" y& i. c2 s( |% K9 h4 QYou are the right one I wait
, [& r% G$ k& x2 C6 T( hIn the depth of my soul# s6 X1 m2 n4 ?5 f3 b
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; a8 x. W5 P0 l; O+ L你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
' k$ X$ p8 @, }: j% a, {就和用中文写一次% }+ p: z% l' j/ h5 c
阿,我爱你$ J. I/ p# `+ ]! c5 M
你让我心跳好快; d  b$ J9 P( C* G+ M4 M
你让我脸发热  K' B2 Y+ I( m8 b" ~) V8 p* n; G+ `
我爱上你的大嘴唇' u% y1 f; d6 e$ i7 a! K: ^
XXXXX
! E1 Y* U4 l7 z; |3 j不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
+ P& |  E, H1 b
& k# X# ]  u- k& a! Z如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER4 i- V; r* K" j
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
! _0 U6 W# }. V1 ]) n% A闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美8 K, O. N" f3 F* `8 ]9 H# w  h
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% k! k# g) w, z3 H
就和用中文写一次
( b& T0 Z7 P7 F* R4 `% S) u% |阿,我爱你0 _/ M* m3 G6 ^& I+ U7 W
你让我心跳好快* f* [; w  u$ w4 E1 F+ m# U$ a
你让我脸发热
& k8 [# r* x. D. L0 r' T* L$ q2 f* o我爱上你的大嘴唇" I  ~  e8 Y, v- P0 D
XXXXX
' s3 u3 U2 ^* W6 _# f不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 i4 n" g4 Y6 d; K9 d: @. S! x0 \* z" Z; K! x  h
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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