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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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  P3 ^) S# a  T2 ^/ x" OI fell in love with you
$ S! D! X3 Q3 GAt the first week we met) m, n/ R3 P% W' \5 ~4 c8 X  ~

% M: i9 e# `# C0 zYou have charm, you have looks
; s* @6 D* e% l9 f1 Nwith full of pimples in face
: j7 u0 f5 y" Y( |9 cAs spotting sky at a summer night/ |* X; H3 z& p, ^: W2 }
They are shining stars; N) k. f: i. _, T: A
. O4 r: k" H  h7 r0 V) c
Your lip is so big
: N$ I% @, o% e5 Q/ YAnd that’s good for a kiss  p9 M  E. H" R1 [- E
Your body is chubby
2 f  S0 e  x+ R1 ^. ?! VAnd that is good for sex; k* G& r6 L/ d
8 ]) i9 N' K7 A9 E4 P, y
I was deeply in love
, H( |5 g6 s. S" a# U7 f$ {, JEverything from you is positive
: ^' j( i+ ]3 p3 PYou blame me everything and everyday
% W6 B- W/ l) K: z4 z. I" |And I think all girls sound like& ?, K! z$ g2 O& `

! q" W! p, z! ]0 n' w* U( MYou could not stand my eating+ d9 \% U) [* ^- k( t
Saying no good for making funny sound, P, S6 \5 y0 o) ^0 M# Z! c, T8 F
I think you are perfectly right1 |1 c$ J1 o; w" t) m0 ~6 P
Eating with sound is a pig: u. j& O5 t+ m7 @

- Z5 u: S  h2 T- z8 z+ lI fell in love with you
$ N" A# V+ `  YBecome a fool to think. Y. J2 [* x5 A& c1 ~/ B( n
All trouble things you did- W& T8 B, |1 U4 I, c" C4 j9 D8 }: Z
And that is the price for love' n. ^9 E$ l% x/ [% B) |

- ~6 ?0 X( E5 W# O) syou are deeply in love
6 g% i/ `- @  n8 HEverything from me is negative
4 V5 d) d2 `  F3 @"My man should be like this,9 e2 W1 v5 C- @% @0 Q. ^7 G# D
and I am helping you to improve'
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You are loving me
; K  h' @0 |" p. S5 p0 U7 xor that one in your mind?
3 ]$ Q1 g' y7 X( nMy mind is like a mud
# z3 z7 |) F8 T( Q4 l" M$ fcan be shaped whatever you want/ ~/ X: T9 o7 K# b) V
. _: M/ j9 D8 _1 G% K, G
unfortunalety not my heart
7 o3 j) o9 F: nIt is slashed by you 3 a  ^5 A, _! z0 T9 ~6 X6 }) j$ L
and I am seriously hurt7 w% H3 Y- d, n, b# M! g  u$ A

; g% f, A! o2 s3 v8 |0 S$ |0 Z0 QI will never love another
- \  }3 w" D# p; e8 P: L' G+ I/ rIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 - g9 c% `  q3 O
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
, B" s* l, ?. G

7 K* z5 V( t$ Y, a! }! B3 A咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!- a8 N3 X+ K8 n. Y8 K
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, % [6 y0 x/ M- @; J
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
4 s5 A. g) @' l, C7 jAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
% h* ]$ G0 @* S: @9 U5 P2 U+ u% g( m% r' |5 F
with the charm,; W0 X% i* l. }6 Z7 w: j- x9 o" n
with the simles.: R( ~) b" w' r  V
I fell in love with you
- h6 N8 e5 h) W1 i: c# F0 U+ A' GIn the first sign.* z) T( b  Q3 J
As spotting sky at a summer
) R$ z) p% |! R, J
! I$ u: v8 D% B- J, hYour lip is so soft
' G, m( z- O! `8 S; ^) athere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss& y9 }! Y3 ]* t' x+ k( s
Your body is so sexy. C* I" s$ y: v% b. C
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
& i9 d& ~$ b0 R! Y8 y
/ d) `5 N! s# Z2 k% VI am deeply in love
6 L3 p5 }" V, f- ^* j  Q% f3 tEverything from you is so charming
# U9 n7 ]2 H: x& _8 Galthough You r so picky for me
7 e- B+ o3 h: R* n: _! LAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
+ ?; H: U! R, ?. c7 b: Y0 ~) L: iBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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7 x, m0 T! F1 _2 G8 R5 }# XHis hello is the end of her endings
* L, y. }3 C% `( l1 P; R* KHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle# Y' O4 D, L  }8 y  v. M0 @
His hand would be hers to hold forever8 m! ~/ {# g; u/ L1 t& {: Y
His forever is simply as her smile
! Z- G; O2 S- H$ ]( @He said she was what was missing
7 M" R8 f, Z9 W" bShe said instantly she knew8 j2 @* |  X, n, N: E
She was a question to be answered" Z0 ?3 P, t6 b- i+ C, B% h4 g' d
And his answer is
( o0 ]/ p+ Z5 w. F( u0 U" x/ ]) }I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas1 E/ l, ]$ Z; L: ~4 ]2 _% s
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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It's amazing how I felt 3 }, k. m. X# C& `( Y
when I was with you
$ r; e/ j+ {" q% g; H9 A1 W; HMy heart beat so fast# w+ d9 u: F0 H8 u
I looked at you and thought+ T8 w3 [9 w9 v9 I: w6 ~6 Q
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
9 N% n, i& t$ k: A+ [" n; Q" _/ i* G2 ^4 [. ^
You left me without a word% w& A9 [- C1 g! H% G2 u" W) U0 {
I have nothing except my emptiness) T3 l& f8 h! x7 d- K6 f+ v
My mood is like a cloud
3 j5 p! k  S+ Y8 NHow could it be dispersed?8 j8 S# w) X8 r9 {1 F8 F

9 B3 w3 d- n3 y6 Y) v3 _Feelings bite my heart : ]: D3 ~. w3 @) l1 e
You are the right one I wait/ v2 H+ u/ m5 e" Y- [) {
In the depth of my soul
  f: r& E. o4 ]0 u8 Y  ~$ r0 g+ gI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美8 M+ Y" Y1 Z) J# N& p
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" B3 T0 ?0 I; N. f3 b就和用中文写一次& [" x, I' p; M, n
阿,我爱你
& Y9 L% U% g6 e  s' |你让我心跳好快7 Z7 L1 \2 f4 R! s
你让我脸发热9 {) T; U' S& ^1 _
我爱上你的大嘴唇3 C% w. B3 h" V: |7 x
XXXXX. l( j; h' z9 u
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?# `3 s( t. M1 F- g6 `

& d1 d$ D* R; d7 m! s如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER+ W% Y9 C& Z/ e( R- m9 v! S
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 * F& j5 P! Z! }9 o( H5 z2 W
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美: x; M. A% p1 I" v  n7 n& [/ |. ]
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道/ ?0 a0 q  A. m7 v/ {- \. _; }
就和用中文写一次0 j, y1 Z- U4 t
阿,我爱你( `3 U& v! ]/ E
你让我心跳好快, K  x; k5 @8 B
你让我脸发热
. o8 |5 w* e  T8 y+ Q我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ R4 d8 I' Y) s& j" pXXXXX
: `" |# M4 ^) \, F. d不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
9 |/ r- g9 l5 y. T" o9 t

) m% M7 U* Q* `( E- |( Y! q9 ?5 g6 M靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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