我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

) W* J; k6 F1 R/ \7 ?; ?I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
) G- J6 f$ Q) w* Owith full of pimples in face
# U1 l8 m: W- uAs spotting sky at a summer night
2 J: {( O8 v0 K  V! f, MThey are shining stars
/ n0 I# R5 r; n' a# k
3 Q  r# l) _, a$ W. B1 }0 cYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
5 _8 w3 ?) Y: p- i9 }4 q! c7 WAnd that is good for sex
; r$ c. P; S; z- s% G2 r2 N
I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
/ e/ K$ F/ Q  nAnd I think all girls sound like
8 s9 {8 y' p, z& o6 C* R! G
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
: q4 ^& G$ P* s: W7 x. ^  X
, j* C, V5 S) G; O0 N% ?4 j) w8 \- DI fell in love with you
: ]! }+ T/ {) f% L2 }Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
- r3 T; y0 n7 l1 y" nAnd that is the price for love
  {0 a; D6 E# u
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
5 E. f& o2 p9 ^* G"My man should be like this,
4 S& [( Y; v2 i3 }and I am helping you to improve'

, {5 `( J9 r9 U# U$ _) V  ?You are loving me
2 m& Z. e( N9 Z5 |or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
, r, P% P1 f) e4 }8 g
9 b- F6 N$ a# a. tunfortunalety not my heart
% P- ?; r) B1 z: v& fIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
& [3 k2 w1 m8 ]- `! _
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
6 R6 _6 N$ s* T) f! b, `# w2 E- n- `my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

9 D$ q8 ]% I) J7 X* [, p& ?/ ^$ ~
) ?! v& A9 Y9 _$ n咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
: V" f" }1 ?7 t% g不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
' G; V* J, |2 r# Vi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& }- ~) q) C) {* m' o$ J" n9 M
2 B: O3 m. x& n6 Gwith the charm,
/ r$ I$ S. w! {. ?  o, }& o- o  owith the simles.
* a, v* r8 d. R5 v9 O" w9 c& ]6 yI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
8 M* X) [% L1 p9 ~. Y# h
* R$ J, A6 v- Z4 kYour lip is so soft
+ `+ A# f5 A( u: Rthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
. D5 Z$ j( _$ U- B
! c! L3 X0 n. G4 N, SI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
% O# x1 G1 y7 Oalthough You r so picky for me
8 N/ y- i; K0 d/ y* xAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

- q* r5 G. P! ^4 a
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
: X  _' [. n, u" s+ O1 f2 S/ `4 }8 _! DHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
- m* C( a3 d2 n' x7 X5 B3 GHe said she was what was missing
" A& R* F- R+ ]- W5 jShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
8 \" t! e$ g; d+ K& qI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
" g% o1 T! `" W! F; {- b8 s
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

" ]& X6 I' m+ A% _+ pIt's amazing how I felt
2 ]" K/ ~$ |. w  T3 N) pwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
# }* G! y9 Q. V* ]/ G7 E3 }! AI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
" n4 v4 S6 X4 n8 |' Z
+ b6 b# ~0 i) C' ?6 D) i; B6 LYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
( D" ]3 j7 V8 q3 m6 f8 v0 c  x2 JMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
* D1 M: ?2 j; d& b* f7 M8 W
; k1 \4 n9 C) L2 C( w- E' DFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
& x$ N7 d* i; @' |  a  HIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# t7 q0 h0 H, r; ]8 e- Q5 U" n就和用中文写一次
# ~4 {8 p% J" ~' h/ y阿,我爱你
2 Z6 B- U( W) D) Z# D  b你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
* Y! a) a0 Y' f( V+ r7 r# QXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 Z, P( ^( b" A6 r7 L" R, c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
/ B: f" A1 y7 X' \( Y6 W阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
5 b2 a4 @. R) P5 C8 q你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

" b3 F- I6 F8 K
3 H! O; a! ^& F/ z: ?靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
9 ^8 J9 p- T! C1 }' _3 }

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。