我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
" w! x: {* M* i0 A, @" G3 W
& M: O& z7 Q- @( s, r, l$ M( TI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
5 r1 h! C4 k& b/ w5 O7 s- [
You have charm, you have looks
, ^, I" i1 R4 i% _% ^with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
" `! R7 s. p- d+ ?4 gYour body is chubby
8 B$ [9 ?% r% `2 MAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
) s8 n: N- i- i0 h) YAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
5 }7 o8 H$ _% K; H- `3 L1 qSaying no good for making funny sound
+ M: g1 k* A2 A, `+ h, tI think you are perfectly right
# r  b! ]4 }+ O9 ?8 \Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
2 j: F9 e2 d0 U8 ]1 e' L9 U: h
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
0 h6 i6 [9 Z7 E- B) c8 Eor that one in your mind?
3 C+ X" _, N0 j! |1 @My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
' s1 {5 d! N  V# ^+ u
5 v) y% J6 E0 w2 xunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
6 `: x1 Z& A  @8 _& P" ^8 s& h+ k- U5 x
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

) U  W, q- w) r8 h0 v! r咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
6 B$ w) l6 `8 z8 G2 a9 bi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
4 s/ w: r" v& y; b
/ }) ]  _  r. M; A* y: |with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
. a2 _; g0 g! S! }In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
0 ?* n) f$ P6 P" R$ ~* d6 z0 J
) [: i# B1 T% A% i3 {- GYour lip is so soft
& n" l# ?. {" Y) h+ M  \8 X  sthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
7 d8 f/ A- z4 A1 B: EAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

3 Q, S/ f8 F! j) A! RI am deeply in love
# N0 d( l% L4 ZEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
8 N+ Q& w; a8 Y+ O  bBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

& s) v* J2 h& p" ~1 ]+ y/ A) V7 V
8 j: g0 I& W7 l6 M6 B$ O6 [His hello is the end of her endings
+ [* R# t  \* U8 h* ZHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 l6 }, Z: R6 {7 g: |! JHis hand would be hers to hold forever
' q8 N* B: Q3 ^! LHis forever is simply as her smile
' |5 h$ d% @6 k" o% n+ `5 bHe said she was what was missing
3 m9 C6 R& y5 B0 k  U) QShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
' _! L% ?. k, e$ B6 a( p! R* T. gAnd his answer is
8 g5 w  S) w& e0 [I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
2 {# |$ B+ D, L9 K5 D; w
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
0 A% S4 k# V9 q( I
3 F) d6 K5 Z% S& d% ~5 jIt's amazing how I felt
- B# K9 _  e0 Y: ?  M% Dwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
2 q7 p( V3 K6 n" Z; ~0 hHoly Jesus, you were so cute

3 B8 g9 f/ H0 V8 [9 H( dYou left me without a word
9 b3 E4 [0 V! c; j  SI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
0 `8 o7 e2 [+ Z! B你让我心跳好快
2 h: k1 f( d% Y( C/ B1 R你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
! [& G: J# A% `+ K% H% TXXXXX
/ C4 \" p$ f# Q不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

  `5 U( s! `; C3 b; w6 M" x% ~如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
) s' g( C6 q# H+ q  m/ t至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
8 D1 u$ ~, Y  G1 e" e闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 R2 u# h7 l" X1 {7 T就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
, S( n+ a& X; ^) k1 j2 p7 E我爱上你的大嘴唇
# n$ g1 K3 L( s+ A; jXXXXX
+ @) v4 Q4 Y( d不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
/ T5 X+ V( i$ w. c% H; x3 ^/ s

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。