我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
. D! q, }+ D: V! f8 c3 b
( D5 q: n9 n: F- Y5 J9 gI fell in love with you
At the first week we met

$ k5 o& K% `& S9 _$ C8 ]You have charm, you have looks
9 G+ P5 H- u$ u% gwith full of pimples in face
, V8 r  @# l. j7 S0 C1 [0 X( ?As spotting sky at a summer night
  |' V: v9 |1 N1 Q) p; n1 vThey are shining stars
5 g. ]5 ^- U9 S! T/ V3 I  y. R, d
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
  b/ O. z8 H8 b  Q6 b# N7 D; D8 }! MYour body is chubby
( S! Q; l: k/ p  zAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
5 }( }5 p; n+ g" J. s# {You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

2 i" D+ d5 v  P& TYou could not stand my eating
% |8 O3 z% J: `! E; t3 QSaying no good for making funny sound
; z" f. t4 E6 P1 kI think you are perfectly right
5 _4 P' g7 a9 l2 F7 X) x- yEating with sound is a pig
0 @* V! X9 D* N5 h* Y5 B
I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
" V+ B3 Y) q0 j$ R6 m6 JAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
& q/ E$ L: s3 F- ]! T" H( G+ }
( K6 V1 Z+ r0 p! }you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
- U  m! h7 ~. b) M2 M9 ?and I am helping you to improve'

# _1 J2 q9 u* M/ HYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
- a0 K3 L/ s# Z' H" o! {. pcan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
  T" v' v0 }" M  r8 Eand I am seriously hurt

) h3 e2 I* t5 h& g# V2 tI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 W6 Y: w5 j- R" m8 O  P不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

- Z* @: F9 o" g1 j3 z! m5 f: Owith the charm,
7 T8 F# r/ h6 v0 t& m% g) t9 pwith the simles.
: C3 q( l6 i7 R! I* mI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
& H; T; c2 N* o& S: A4 d
Your lip is so soft
8 w' z$ E3 L5 A0 s- M7 lthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
9 R. W6 H* |+ l5 J1 e
2 Q! L# a6 `6 b5 m5 vI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
8 ]5 r. x- i8 c8 s. r1 P; r1 H: {7 Yalthough You r so picky for me
' w1 S- C6 Z$ O5 k* y% kAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
3 J! L4 X1 d: c, Y" z1 z- L: s
1 Q9 ?. Q9 U. R# N$ F4 u
* A) E. ]  [- V# {! fHis hello is the end of her endings
5 s1 L" v% ?! s0 y6 Y! UHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
9 l  f! E" d7 k- A3 ^# VHis hand would be hers to hold forever
8 C( `, R- O6 E* J- O+ @His forever is simply as her smile
# S8 I( o0 l6 v9 THe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
0 Y" G9 ^" h1 o' I$ iShe was a question to be answered
$ L- y- R% X5 k% {& R3 SAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
9 y  k+ G7 W9 J: @: E$ A9 B
! I. H, n% z4 e3 D# aBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
- Q9 R/ f8 w+ i- o6 ]( E
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
6 F5 b9 f2 w6 l$ @/ S  \I looked at you and thought
+ h% x, D) y9 v0 q- _3 VHoly Jesus, you were so cute
/ A: C5 f  K" @' t8 m4 T/ V5 m2 }
You left me without a word
0 M% i: N# T) P- y9 M$ X( L& eI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
8 r. m. R) G0 Z  I2 U8 s& c% N. CHow could it be dispersed?

( l% w. a" i) k3 C9 M# |/ TFeelings bite my heart
& I" y& i. c2 s( |% K9 h4 QYou are the right one I wait
, [& r% G$ k& x2 C6 T( hIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; a8 x. W5 P0 l; O+ L你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
' k$ X$ p8 @, }: j% a, {就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
! E1 Y* U4 l7 z; |3 j不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
+ P& |  E, H1 b
& k# X# ]  u- k& a! Z如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
! _0 U6 W# }. V1 ]) n% A闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
( b& T0 Z7 P7 F* R4 `% S) u% |阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
& k8 [# r* x. D. L0 r' T* L$ q2 f* o我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
' s3 u3 U2 ^* W6 _# f不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 i4 n" g4 Y6 d; K9 d
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
2 f/ i" A) u" ]3 x( P

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。