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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love% X: D) ~9 h. m! B$ h
" d8 }: y8 g+ n9 ]$ T: a
I fell in love with you ) U9 M0 k  a5 d' |
At the first week we met( v' i6 }2 {. Z8 K

  s7 p" o* N$ S9 J0 L" VYou have charm, you have looks
' {$ ~& d6 @6 P+ e6 o2 Dwith full of pimples in face1 s& k3 C# n7 P7 x1 r  e
As spotting sky at a summer night, Z2 u+ Q0 ^; ?8 B: p9 j$ _
They are shining stars
$ j9 A, q+ V* C6 H, J/ A2 ?
' x6 r* z" U* aYour lip is so big) m* L+ @# K' ]( G8 j9 z6 Y3 i% g
And that’s good for a kiss) Q9 Q4 ?7 L$ o" Y+ k9 G& H
Your body is chubby
, `# s  v6 X) [6 H3 s5 L9 {: E8 ZAnd that is good for sex  Z$ n. X& l$ ~# E

* J' N" t1 T9 Y+ ^I was deeply in love- R1 |8 _$ n; k$ B6 s
Everything from you is positive
* g4 ?" x: W& o5 W, K6 F' o! NYou blame me everything and everyday. O: ], n  }  r4 A& g
And I think all girls sound like
4 r0 S: n5 d' ]0 x" i9 ]: U0 i% g$ @3 I) Z! P" v
You could not stand my eating1 p  I4 y6 Q6 K9 I) ?. z
Saying no good for making funny sound2 R/ b* d: B! _* y3 }
I think you are perfectly right' n- v/ @5 r5 _9 G& a
Eating with sound is a pig
& W) ?7 w0 W, p# e1 W
) B, r, X: m% q( [6 w% U7 m  sI fell in love with you
( O) O4 `4 R4 N2 H  LBecome a fool to think
& f% H2 ^& r+ j& h" FAll trouble things you did
" a& X) m6 U/ b' yAnd that is the price for love* C( Z0 z$ _1 Y/ }" m+ _" {
! m, m6 v' ]4 B! k. s0 A
you are deeply in love) f; M: @) \5 C+ R5 E
Everything from me is negative7 f' |% |' h* I6 p
"My man should be like this,
6 N" N* C. M- K! Mand I am helping you to improve'& g. z# F" n3 N# d- p; y+ @" R0 g
3 J2 B9 s. k, B/ g6 d6 m
You are loving me
9 ]9 A! P; [+ Y4 I# ~% y9 Nor that one in your mind?2 |7 q* Z& v# f$ o) Q
My mind is like a mud
+ E( v9 m6 i; a% g/ acan be shaped whatever you want- l8 I; k" _- D9 b3 p

' H5 l" H' s: Z# o! |% t/ W" \: Qunfortunalety not my heart
8 I, N6 a. p. jIt is slashed by you % G- ]; j4 e, l3 z; i
and I am seriously hurt" [. ]1 g2 E& H/ {8 s6 z+ e6 ?+ S
7 A- s& d) ~% J
I will never love another
$ u. A" d. J" p* V; f% ^' j- I+ z' ]If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 4 X" C) S: \7 J7 f1 o
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
1 P" r( P# `. B, \

! D; }$ N6 _7 u1 d" G2 W/ ]9 X咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!% w& l* W6 j  u4 Z
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, , d4 x# M2 Q* V7 J1 [% i
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.. b8 Y9 O) C) o* f6 y8 c; H
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& Q; `0 Y9 y3 `. V* T  Y7 N. Y4 i1 N9 A( u8 l. _
with the charm,
( H# P8 _4 v  ^" ]* g/ N& {8 e% c1 |with the simles.9 D+ }5 M% a" u+ D5 B- P) K* w
I fell in love with you ' ~' m% M( c! D& G/ s8 y( x) O% m! E
In the first sign.
; `* D% T! n/ H0 O+ CAs spotting sky at a summer ( Y: H& G5 s+ T# z1 f! K$ O/ E8 }
% B) q9 D5 f" B( X7 f: ]
Your lip is so soft 5 ]0 ~( T( M2 R& x$ A' L
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
8 T' l+ x, t& l  ^Your body is so sexy
6 X' ~2 n7 L  |( ZAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.9 q7 ?' _& f) w: v

8 T1 K3 B. q  v5 L( kI am deeply in love+ c! p1 ~, h5 o% A2 y/ m& n, P- e
Everything from you is so charming
/ D: s; q" S3 c: x$ k8 ^although You r so picky for me
$ {0 H( t" [$ Z! H: s; g1 EAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
2 m8 u, x0 n2 G6 Q8 e* X% n0 OBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
- D4 K. ^* W9 ]3 m* _/ l. P) K8 h3 d$ v. g( _5 Q0 N0 W

. \- O  ^! J- A. V7 L: THis hello is the end of her endings
* H7 v% P. M. C& C3 THer laugh is their first step down  the aisle& y7 h$ ?8 ^& F4 N7 Q6 E
His hand would be hers to hold forever
( X. U% i8 B3 D6 |8 i. XHis forever is simply as her smile ' n4 f" ~7 k( A2 }. V9 Q& l
He said she was what was missing: j1 T$ {% [. n7 y1 m) C3 Z
She said instantly she knew* h9 k9 O$ \5 {* a+ E$ j
She was a question to be answered2 t2 _( `8 Q. h! S/ I
And his answer is
8 b, D8 w1 o; L& a! l  J' }I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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+ A% @" Z5 i: c8 XBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt9 a: I1 s" i1 ~! \7 f5 F9 D) s) ]
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It's amazing how I felt 7 c1 M0 v1 ^/ m
when I was with you
0 b. Q* C7 |' e1 |7 Y4 {5 t! NMy heart beat so fast
/ y0 u- H0 g$ HI looked at you and thought" E9 A/ n3 e, E/ [+ J7 X& x5 S
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
6 ]' ]% K! D$ g4 c3 V% T2 p6 F  t4 q1 S; @
You left me without a word3 M/ n0 g- F; p/ \" b% x) v
I have nothing except my emptiness
" N, ^& n! S, {& IMy mood is like a cloud" X3 r2 `3 u2 H' A, N3 {
How could it be dispersed?- y- ~7 ?! E9 J( f
% a( S2 G6 W* v" i
Feelings bite my heart
% \( `- p' t- G; E0 \You are the right one I wait
/ |! q5 M6 O5 O$ V$ ~In the depth of my soul& `+ b1 q: D' \+ S
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
1 D4 r( I  N* @你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道: B/ }* |5 i9 n: O
就和用中文写一次
% H% N+ Z5 \, z" ~2 \阿,我爱你* f) ~/ g3 ]! F: i! d* O
你让我心跳好快1 ]# C1 m6 @( S- W+ G' r* B- @4 n
你让我脸发热
# |8 {  n! C9 |# c. O. j我爱上你的大嘴唇7 c  q, b, }1 c4 L6 f
XXXXX
! X7 R4 W1 N  c) |5 e7 v不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?% q( q+ I6 K& `" k5 x1 m9 S: N: j
- [) f8 Q2 ?  \5 z: l9 o; M/ g1 \
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
2 Y; s# [% I" f2 e! o  S" s1 v8 x. K6 z' N至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
$ O1 t4 F& }0 L. L闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, C+ h9 |0 [8 ?3 R  P1 c8 Z
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% J/ _0 T# r1 O$ S- U  T# E就和用中文写一次
* z8 Q2 Y' n! {9 s1 p/ R& b+ S阿,我爱你
1 p- X$ R& \/ T6 k+ G8 x! {你让我心跳好快
  q1 p' s2 H/ ^2 z: p5 Q3 @9 g你让我脸发热
7 F# h& j+ t. A& m- V6 m我爱上你的大嘴唇) T0 i# P1 J6 p5 L$ y. R1 g/ U$ `
XXXXX
& H) e6 y1 \8 q: ?/ l不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
  m, z3 U' ]/ T, o

; y7 G7 h) s8 Z7 s3 }6 }" S靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.' w- u" i! J2 Y4 {
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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