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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
, n: s  |5 ~" L1 ~- d* U9 D  \
5 b, ^" S- {" y) `. MI fell in love with you
/ H; K1 x8 Z& X% k/ @* H4 OAt the first week we met* M: N; c! j/ _: n% d2 s

$ E( \, X$ V( A+ q; G. HYou have charm, you have looks& x' m6 j& r$ E! S+ ~
with full of pimples in face# b! {' X& {& j! H) b' z. ~
As spotting sky at a summer night( |6 {: o4 Z: B6 B" k
They are shining stars0 M/ @  B4 R& \. t( s/ m

. B! ?  ~. T! \' C* q7 M: Z2 CYour lip is so big
  r% D4 N  [/ `2 S( i0 m; f7 eAnd that’s good for a kiss# _( Q# t& `4 ?2 ]
Your body is chubby
' n8 }7 A# x6 r, D. a4 V* OAnd that is good for sex
0 Z( l6 n  x1 Y) A- D4 S  l! A5 W5 c, `
) f* u7 j6 j0 v* g. DI was deeply in love! Q8 S. V# c- k  ]+ ?7 B
Everything from you is positive4 H* K6 K. H; _$ r  q6 i7 _
You blame me everything and everyday+ S& e4 M$ Z$ A9 h6 b3 O
And I think all girls sound like7 F8 b3 |- q) r  K0 I: m4 `
4 N# \# m) j3 l1 T1 z: N
You could not stand my eating
) v7 S5 F* H- R1 y" ?7 NSaying no good for making funny sound
$ }& a8 M* E' I& nI think you are perfectly right+ \# Y' P: l5 h/ z0 @7 }
Eating with sound is a pig
( B9 h3 G; U: I, Q9 N1 x) O
5 b- s4 _; ~- B- ~I fell in love with you
. j, d9 O  w! ?1 ?Become a fool to think
. V6 }5 a5 G5 r0 F6 N5 q' G$ TAll trouble things you did$ z0 [; a# X# h
And that is the price for love
$ r" B; M9 x' m( o3 L( B) q/ c) G+ B! G- M9 Y4 D% O: `' ?
you are deeply in love
4 z5 Y/ R8 S% uEverything from me is negative0 L1 G6 u8 }* ]! ^" `! n
"My man should be like this,
- x$ w: C5 j; k1 r2 j  wand I am helping you to improve'
9 w/ T- Y* r0 u% v3 [
' j4 `" u4 E  [$ m$ t( @You are loving me 9 n/ A' }; ?; O' k
or that one in your mind?- H% A& J5 O6 H* ?; i7 O* p
My mind is like a mud: ^! r( ^2 S1 |3 E
can be shaped whatever you want
  N$ a% m, \. B: R* k' J
6 u" _9 f! Y4 a7 a" Hunfortunalety not my heart
2 C0 e+ ?) X3 w8 F7 z; pIt is slashed by you
% p$ A: e+ H, [6 s7 v6 H8 xand I am seriously hurt
1 a- T! }  e3 \* ?
0 L9 k8 W+ ?2 T& w# yI will never love another
! d% l' @; ]5 p( `6 T1 D+ CIf my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 3 j# F. Q: E' Z7 c/ }: c9 l3 p; O
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

+ R! |. O# T3 Y$ N+ u/ E, Z7 Z6 ]0 j
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!- a9 \8 t- C" Y6 s% H
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ( _: v) E; O) t# G# K: F/ C6 L- T
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.0 f) y  I5 I) G$ R' H2 ]: U1 {
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed7 @; z" Z9 L9 w% L) L

1 N0 A  m1 D+ l/ e: v0 @7 O, W; ?/ uwith the charm,  i5 Z* p& T: }/ c" V' f9 w
with the simles.3 p; E  K" Q+ v0 {' n, b
I fell in love with you
! w$ [% N# ^7 g/ `; E* FIn the first sign.% S. s8 A1 @: u1 P4 m: u
As spotting sky at a summer 1 E, t% p1 k+ s; v0 a. m  I" F
3 k+ ]- ]0 b" p: _3 p2 J
Your lip is so soft / l& v8 R9 P- v# {- n- r( ]! J
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 k4 I' r( K/ l( XYour body is so sexy
! ]9 @# i% l: z1 Z" x1 r. \. D! \And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.) }% ^: @5 j3 X- M; `: c

+ b! l6 F6 L( N8 eI am deeply in love
8 M% U4 o6 I# ~, h5 m* @3 cEverything from you is so charming
0 U2 {% J( [; g2 b' Q- R. galthough You r so picky for me
, Z% |+ d& v% P1 Q& HAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2./ `# `1 ^- u8 k" ~) k8 ?
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem$ {- F6 M0 Z3 |0 D* w
5 b: F( x# y& @  V" V; q5 @( T
! j9 s& H$ L: q" Z# l  X0 ?* i
His hello is the end of her endings
& b( D4 w8 A: o+ Z! U: g5 X4 CHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
5 s! D6 l: g+ E, G+ ^; o+ nHis hand would be hers to hold forever$ P0 b4 h: ^8 T. ~+ \3 H
His forever is simply as her smile
% q0 |2 k0 g: s4 vHe said she was what was missing
% N$ k8 B% s9 {+ GShe said instantly she knew
. {& ~! [" r2 m; V' M9 cShe was a question to be answered
4 m- B3 u$ \5 d1 H  U& ~And his answer is
& i- T% F5 h0 r% N. h+ K* eI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas* P) e0 Z0 C  j$ u: e
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
4 ?& d0 h$ [! F' D; f1 q" ^: Y5 m6 }2 p* k" J" z
It's amazing how I felt 8 D) h: w3 @( J7 ~& Y8 ]1 y
when I was with you
1 N" ]' c1 f: I. u  p3 c+ E3 LMy heart beat so fast6 j% J) A$ }& g/ k1 \* y3 s
I looked at you and thought& F5 ]7 a0 B: F4 E  h( ]. I
Holy Jesus, you were so cute" K2 s$ Z! ?5 Q& l- l+ A

0 C/ [# F+ Q/ \) D( {You left me without a word* ~( C; B% S" O# v' V7 h( D
I have nothing except my emptiness* m3 P. ~, b- }7 b( A
My mood is like a cloud
. a! [% S% G, w) GHow could it be dispersed?6 @' \- x& b3 u

% F2 z, k" o- R. gFeelings bite my heart ) ]; j0 C+ }7 Z2 L" I8 x. p* r6 C
You are the right one I wait
. R: O  P5 m) k) r& n) }In the depth of my soul
# i& t% s" Y& z  c# f6 SI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. x' l1 ~7 J" ~% @
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道! I3 f, a* L0 r/ n  P
就和用中文写一次
( X4 N1 c% {8 d! }阿,我爱你0 v8 Z8 o- g& e' l
你让我心跳好快
8 P; d- V/ ^  K8 f4 q  L你让我脸发热
7 N, W/ `  H& a3 Z我爱上你的大嘴唇7 g' P3 {$ Q) \& Z; D
XXXXX
) E  y" x: o- y2 ], [; w! s8 J不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?! B9 \9 {0 F! r2 l0 M

$ a& H8 G7 g( o5 f$ E' y( X如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER1 [% _: e8 D1 e5 z
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
- w# v" ^% \" O- X. e闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 p9 s$ J$ a$ z你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道3 E. Q* t) b+ {, R; _* ?# K
就和用中文写一次
) U* C( q4 v* {3 \! V' ]4 t阿,我爱你
' v. s: g3 ^4 B/ G( h你让我心跳好快: G* n7 s% s7 @: Z" _
你让我脸发热
- [: Z. m) ?% w) |( I* r我爱上你的大嘴唇
9 X9 \& h/ k* T! K: M2 ?XXXXX
* c9 l2 |" [9 v% u不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
  k6 E. S4 A: E# O, A
* m1 |  t) ?% d5 Y- X) {5 |* R! Z' \
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.% t. K2 n* h' W9 v8 i9 M- P
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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