我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
3 l% j$ _/ P/ S- V
( J9 O5 G( v% I6 Z$ CI fell in love with you
9 y- M+ w& U% F/ D: d! J' b  uAt the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
7 l2 L6 K1 Q, E' T5 S+ |with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
! m9 N$ E* a( U7 O" L
Your lip is so big
1 D7 [+ g1 a4 A2 vAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
8 X3 v3 L6 U& T: sAnd that is good for sex

- o/ t. E2 K. Q( |1 H0 L( MI was deeply in love
1 k. d, u+ u  I  B, f& q- LEverything from you is positive
+ p$ w% h) I$ a' m- Y: g+ oYou blame me everything and everyday
$ O% b) q- N! O1 u, _And I think all girls sound like

# D" F& ?$ \6 ~1 s7 S8 `- M- B8 LYou could not stand my eating
0 Q. \1 z8 d9 f) w: }! V8 C9 ?Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
; Z' R* n& q7 G( G
. y2 ^: W) f/ N% vI fell in love with you
9 g; ?7 ~& q4 n5 f$ m, }/ k/ YBecome a fool to think
; A+ D) k; y8 p: w5 F9 j. T; Z, xAll trouble things you did
- }0 p4 y: ?  ZAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
0 B, P8 `' ^6 D. M"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
9 _8 `0 }; E# O+ Por that one in your mind?
+ j$ F9 K8 K( B8 \+ mMy mind is like a mud
" @0 m5 M% D' g7 ?; Pcan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
1 D) R/ ~8 i( j/ f% }+ {) m: z! L
1 O0 S$ X, E1 S# W7 ~0 E9 M% Q# }I will never love another
% |5 _+ l* E5 q7 G% gIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

0 [8 {5 M2 H5 M" r
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
: a0 K9 R3 p! J7 g8 s% j' }I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
- ?5 P0 K9 p( G
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
3 r* I3 Q! S4 W: S5 m2 YYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
  s/ r; w" }5 f8 s- g6 J7 r5 @
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
$ g  n. g3 u6 ^- Q& v4 r+ p, E+ VAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
. `9 i% l' Y8 q* H3 X& r8 O+ `- WBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
* j9 J; O6 @& [- o
+ l  I% D) B6 u
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
1 u4 S8 e3 A% x' cHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
9 ^+ a5 m8 g0 b7 ]6 |3 uShe said instantly she knew
$ S* ?4 H6 [6 bShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

# H3 _( a, h& VBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

0 h- }& v0 t" x- yIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
! u- C( P+ i. c4 R0 ]My heart beat so fast
; _. h* f5 ~$ D8 GI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

0 z* F% l) q6 f7 l. s0 c1 lYou left me without a word
3 {: T8 [3 f2 I2 m3 a/ t$ ^8 YI have nothing except my emptiness
  ~/ |. A* g7 \5 F& S! S- \9 ^My mood is like a cloud
+ B! X: T( W' sHow could it be dispersed?

3 N, `5 ^' c/ a; E* G: W$ G- @Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
# v0 q: ?8 o  J$ b/ Z8 q# w" S7 JIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! i! l+ F0 O9 X, i3 I9 G+ d  J" @你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; O6 i5 u* m: {- ~# T+ g2 \就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
% d( P- Q0 j1 z3 a2 M: Y1 ]你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
# U$ H# E/ z1 Z不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
9 s& h4 p' t) }: B5 I  k" e闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ f6 D1 [: s# z, N就和用中文写一次
' Q/ m: g+ ?1 l0 e$ d1 ~1 i0 o" f阿,我爱你
4 R5 W4 o* S! B# e# r0 ~你让我心跳好快
$ k6 Z1 ]& o* {你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。