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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
8 m2 U1 D) O% v& e# u& k
+ ~: f4 B: N9 ~& [( \' b) e* ?I fell in love with you
, x9 Q, Z  N' p* }/ zAt the first week we met5 @7 \/ m* j6 T' _7 t9 p3 _
! c3 h! @& a. V& I% F! k; O+ H- I
You have charm, you have looks% e) m& p9 K( v/ Q/ O2 [1 c$ Z- ^
with full of pimples in face  w: I, }/ x5 @
As spotting sky at a summer night
+ @" p# L8 q" D7 U6 EThey are shining stars: I1 y" n, _! _" N6 ?

1 U+ n3 o7 W5 zYour lip is so big: Y* F; u( X# u8 s: \0 a. s
And that’s good for a kiss
: L: K3 n! o( q' QYour body is chubby
% D  \7 n! _4 oAnd that is good for sex
. U. F4 `. V( j* b7 z# o( A2 w. V! l' s2 T1 R# S0 b1 b- D
I was deeply in love' W, _, W4 }2 K. o) ^1 N
Everything from you is positive
8 F6 Z) {- W7 y( {) ~You blame me everything and everyday
' T& a% a2 l9 G* U% VAnd I think all girls sound like
% {: B+ a0 a. ]$ _* L# z2 R
- G2 q. p. E( d- t; JYou could not stand my eating$ u( L5 r9 q) I* I' Y# ^
Saying no good for making funny sound5 \* K! J. H! r$ h
I think you are perfectly right
7 S/ l8 a7 J9 z% o3 }) iEating with sound is a pig8 x; h3 P, g9 ?# a' t

" N- g7 r7 v- c2 KI fell in love with you ; S- j8 X. U+ r  y' g0 i2 e
Become a fool to think' {: S, r* M5 \& z
All trouble things you did
- `0 N( M. G9 z1 N& c0 eAnd that is the price for love4 U$ l6 ?5 t( r
5 {+ V# V7 Y  {  c7 ~; h; _
you are deeply in love4 p; f% ?# \1 `) a! l# f) W( Y
Everything from me is negative
0 W# j! d) F, \: Z' J/ A"My man should be like this,7 w6 Z1 {- A0 E( _6 _
and I am helping you to improve'
6 Z$ L$ S8 [1 T1 H. W  [* |# F3 M/ E8 z# x
You are loving me
0 B3 o: G% A( n0 \8 Por that one in your mind?
% r; {4 _, _$ w7 YMy mind is like a mud
& c0 D. M, T( ~# j" Ican be shaped whatever you want
3 p+ g0 F; ^8 M7 p  ]) W! S5 @
9 k9 D, ^$ w3 ]4 {" Cunfortunalety not my heart2 m# y# _/ O2 T% k+ m" G( U
It is slashed by you
! a. z$ R  ~9 R# Gand I am seriously hurt
5 x! i2 D9 [  g( y- ~6 {9 p1 l3 w& F4 G- p* h
I will never love another ) K, \" |# N& {3 W4 u
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ; V* u; x( g# J; d+ b* O) s% E" ~! U
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
& f0 g5 e, X! ^2 B/ _
8 D) p4 A- K- R5 o2 a- z: x
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!# r* L9 x# W; S; ^- Y
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
5 i* ~1 y0 G, N. \0 D& ri am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
+ {3 V) ?: O/ z  }And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 ]+ }5 q4 e8 t8 ?6 U
" x/ G0 q; X7 X, U! E' @with the charm,0 @0 H0 L/ l- C4 q
with the simles.
2 c2 v6 A4 b7 `, _$ x* {: T9 U; JI fell in love with you $ f" m  c5 U7 q; l7 ?( |# `
In the first sign.
6 a# e7 ]3 u- V7 n1 v/ bAs spotting sky at a summer
5 o) [! P: O- X9 T/ b+ b; B- Z& `! ^' e+ I$ S9 t- ?( a
Your lip is so soft
) J% [" K8 |0 ?. m* Gthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
+ p% W0 W, @% U( ^7 W) jYour body is so sexy7 ^! d$ _2 f: S3 `! Y) H) _
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
+ X4 J$ D, m6 H: Y1 R# l/ F( A$ q1 j2 e5 U
I am deeply in love* i$ r0 |0 M" I/ r. }' h  _3 G6 X
Everything from you is so charming  P! ^  O0 T) ]6 k4 N
although You r so picky for me # T+ ~$ y6 _) U2 T7 L
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
- q% T  I2 }# a) r5 H2 D  x( `But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem( ~2 h% Y% I$ k' H& \. @) Q( M( }
2 i1 g6 }8 y6 @. O- T, ^5 e
% s8 N% w2 t: V- D2 _
His hello is the end of her endings2 \; d5 [5 {" x  z
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
2 R- R" I' {2 K2 r9 I2 D0 ~/ Z" j: HHis hand would be hers to hold forever
0 s* D" M) y7 @2 R6 O8 H! mHis forever is simply as her smile 5 Q7 K1 c# l/ k
He said she was what was missing" s5 e- a+ E  r2 m
She said instantly she knew. i' h1 I! g; z5 r* i
She was a question to be answered
" s4 Z( O0 R# iAnd his answer is
- f% `7 G" M. I/ fI do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
. N4 R" y3 Z% y3 |
. U! E& M4 h# X( |Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
/ x0 j3 e/ K/ E" H% \& H* r, `9 E  ^9 L9 k3 K( `% c( }0 j1 J
It's amazing how I felt
# T$ l& Y- l) x7 ~* D: wwhen I was with you
+ ^1 L. m9 {% z- i% k% |7 ^My heart beat so fast: ?; `$ I8 d: j+ y& S$ a( a
I looked at you and thought
& E$ I* T/ G2 y3 u7 Q' m1 q; Y( }3 hHoly Jesus, you were so cute
5 z2 C/ F# k$ K* E0 X% K% v! r8 ~4 j) k& I0 B. O9 N
You left me without a word; g2 z! M6 o6 L
I have nothing except my emptiness8 J' L/ `" Z% p" n5 s6 h
My mood is like a cloud
9 M1 N$ A2 |5 @$ `! uHow could it be dispersed?
0 e0 x+ ?3 ?" c$ ?; @
; Z# R9 J8 Y$ w. a2 n( XFeelings bite my heart , }" ?; }7 P' h  q' l
You are the right one I wait
6 N3 N5 T* ?& ]9 `& R# ?. [In the depth of my soul
. u# M" S2 C0 UI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# i- Y) u2 h# K& r2 V/ }  r: F
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, i& V# `4 Z+ L就和用中文写一次( z3 }4 F8 i9 N3 c
阿,我爱你3 T& |% s0 ^  I" ]# t1 \
你让我心跳好快$ E6 I. q1 Q) ^) e! x, t7 I5 f# u
你让我脸发热
/ M2 o5 ^- j, C( O( J我爱上你的大嘴唇
% X  O0 }6 o' R7 R5 NXXXXX
3 Y& g4 ~, F) |9 w% L不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?, l! k$ U: ^/ t, ]. ?5 L
$ q. T) e: D+ L: G# W( {$ m
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER2 j2 n/ U) w. r9 N: x3 J1 o6 Y& w
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ! j% J0 H4 S0 o
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
' \4 l6 y) \6 f  b; c3 ?你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 C) e5 @4 h) O就和用中文写一次  A8 V* \7 N. E" q
阿,我爱你6 A5 l* W5 `/ N+ j# O
你让我心跳好快. z( y) k* \% @2 N- d
你让我脸发热
; X. [% V, q, \3 [+ n' l我爱上你的大嘴唇" m2 F' U  ?. i/ W$ x
XXXXX" B1 Z: }1 Y' i: @7 L2 w
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

# e! ~% M( |  x3 E  C" z2 m
/ O$ i. w3 |! b靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
大型搬家
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.5 ~4 p$ \5 Y7 P4 E& B
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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