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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love1 U/ W) m" `( R+ |' p' ]4 J* [% ]
$ I5 s. O5 j5 @& Q
I fell in love with you
9 ?( J4 S* Z% U& sAt the first week we met
! Z: [3 g: A9 ?/ K: N7 I* `
2 M5 L- r" D' {. gYou have charm, you have looks9 r/ S' L" M7 S  E0 u  `- t+ S
with full of pimples in face9 Q3 d! w5 T: I/ b. t
As spotting sky at a summer night1 U* [% {- x) [" n
They are shining stars. M0 q4 d5 \5 c) m( g
* c  `' l) O- K) a
Your lip is so big& G# ]5 o$ V# P: |
And that’s good for a kiss
$ r! o' }5 h0 u; t$ l1 N0 qYour body is chubby
- T, M# \; A" M0 f8 h, i1 }And that is good for sex
$ H) b6 o  V0 T8 \4 c3 f9 H0 e
4 k# B; c5 z0 j) f9 I( z0 tI was deeply in love
: P9 d5 ^/ G1 h3 Y8 G3 o( K( {. ^Everything from you is positive
1 n3 u# H* q( A, Y* m  Y1 uYou blame me everything and everyday
4 P. I7 }% q* b% Q+ p/ c( U' I9 P  KAnd I think all girls sound like
+ J* A3 ]. ?) P% G, U4 L0 W* H5 A6 h3 T4 Q8 R1 }7 g$ u; v+ \, o
You could not stand my eating6 ], r7 k* {" f( z$ h6 t! F
Saying no good for making funny sound( _/ a, b1 O/ m3 {
I think you are perfectly right* H4 g, a; D) F( r/ [1 Z  {/ |) l* e
Eating with sound is a pig
0 o- h' B  h- C, c
; \+ \. i* H6 L- VI fell in love with you
" L5 k0 L/ F( E4 t; a& ZBecome a fool to think
  G( P6 j0 n( m  B* C2 r( u( CAll trouble things you did
- _. d9 @. [. k: J4 J4 O% Q6 uAnd that is the price for love
! C- Q* }( n3 u5 S( l) R& B0 r3 e- C7 p
you are deeply in love
1 [  @2 Y8 S" t, _8 ?" EEverything from me is negative, @; ^/ N; Q3 }
"My man should be like this,' Z& F2 n4 g1 D8 ^- ?
and I am helping you to improve'
- ~+ S! m6 I  O/ @& d3 e! q& t
/ ~- g1 `* y3 v5 g" DYou are loving me ' g8 Q$ ~8 [) p- {  |
or that one in your mind?' M- U0 k2 G5 p. L
My mind is like a mud
- k. N- f3 r! Z# Q3 F3 ecan be shaped whatever you want
" Z! r1 p9 J& `2 m4 {; F3 _' o% q* n
& k$ d$ k4 u. O/ xunfortunalety not my heart: U7 |3 ~, L& d, W. l6 w% Z  {1 m
It is slashed by you 0 ]0 Y/ @% m. v/ D* W5 i
and I am seriously hurt
9 V7 P: M) ~  O2 p8 i# g% F2 S! t% S  s+ X/ R' r2 J& F
I will never love another
0 F2 {7 W! u- y" Y# ~; VIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
2 Q8 d) [; `7 a9 qmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
( ]' ]: F. N/ y) s& V8 S# U
4 J# D/ B/ m) V' \$ X
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
+ o# q, L" y6 H: ]9 Q不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, & u4 f+ ]5 M0 d5 ]2 j. d) }
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.& ^# N" q7 d1 B
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 S6 d: \+ `3 k- }; _0 [" H0 H4 }$ x+ S
with the charm,* U9 i8 ?7 f" g- `) [9 Y# L& P
with the simles.
; f, x# e5 @# `# q! WI fell in love with you
# T( A  k; B6 B3 ^0 DIn the first sign.% W" x/ J0 L2 h- A6 }
As spotting sky at a summer 5 p) f# W; k# H9 O! ^. {

0 w' v; J- v; p% Z: iYour lip is so soft
7 X2 z0 n; P; w5 r3 N0 ~there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
$ s. z% b* w* e$ ]4 p, }) b+ eYour body is so sexy
8 J2 [: [- M1 a3 i2 bAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.$ _5 s6 i# A( r7 K! Q
& w& T9 x- p) }8 u. t# Z% H6 M% l0 p
I am deeply in love
. l  P: F+ `/ Z" B0 Q/ uEverything from you is so charming
5 O' S) Z" t1 Malthough You r so picky for me
& v7 ^7 f( M- Z& n, ?And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.; B9 p% O2 J; o6 F( p2 c; k/ ]6 D! k
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
8 ^) y' a: v  @" k
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% N. t; t6 @2 q8 _. ?  c! jHis hello is the end of her endings
, X$ M  k( V$ W1 DHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle8 g9 P& K( w$ u3 B% f: Q
His hand would be hers to hold forever+ B6 k9 F3 r! j7 U; O
His forever is simply as her smile
  C3 Q2 F' C# Z! x$ tHe said she was what was missing; l9 s! i1 d' N  K& B/ L; `
She said instantly she knew
7 u4 u4 g/ R9 `( T  pShe was a question to be answered$ w& e( l& `" c$ Z) r- W
And his answer is
: e/ e; e5 O. hI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas8 {% g9 K+ K4 r# I
- G8 Y4 ^! N9 P- W1 _
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
2 x8 ]+ ]4 Y3 z2 i' [, H# U2 p  {
! k0 I3 @1 j: V+ H4 X) jIt's amazing how I felt + \* ~( y% V# e- K: n( U, `
when I was with you! ^7 S) g3 L8 d6 X; z+ b
My heart beat so fast- t) I/ V) u: }( q& t3 O/ }
I looked at you and thought
! g- K( _& ^; D* m1 l  ZHoly Jesus, you were so cute
+ u* j1 d8 u. q8 v2 ~: z9 U) _4 F/ X& Q& u, v
You left me without a word  o6 e& p/ A$ L+ m- _7 R, T# l
I have nothing except my emptiness6 W0 z7 {1 ~# ]$ s$ g8 `4 ~2 ~
My mood is like a cloud1 b0 g4 V6 H: t* A4 j, }+ S6 w$ p; J' w
How could it be dispersed?
. R' n5 j4 s8 V. y% l* m) H' q0 {8 n* R! r  z( U
Feelings bite my heart 0 r- Y( I# m6 U2 H% s
You are the right one I wait7 }+ l( ]+ C( x$ }  E% Z" K
In the depth of my soul
, V" p% E. Z& B% E) r! zI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美! s; m/ ^& V5 E4 D* r3 S% T7 v% P
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道4 O' k( o; g; x) U3 |! S, M* W
就和用中文写一次
2 E, A5 Z: o4 V9 Q: u% [$ o, b; M阿,我爱你
# R9 j/ t( b  `/ O+ W8 K你让我心跳好快  k% a. t8 d& L$ H" Q* m
你让我脸发热
: c% p* Q' X2 S3 E$ l+ ?5 r, D: q我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 _* c5 r- k  f4 k9 n, m& NXXXXX" \+ e! K  p3 e$ Q+ Y
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
( ~9 K8 U/ H) E: q0 t* ^% I9 |  B" T/ G7 C! M3 I' U
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER4 }4 u5 N! G: u! x6 @# M) N; l
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 * f1 p9 P$ w( F
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 V1 a& Q4 y) ~; e你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道& j. w& l% d4 \# D
就和用中文写一次! m% r* C4 N/ u( ~# [
阿,我爱你
! u( P+ R! X- t) ^# i8 w你让我心跳好快% J& ^8 k0 `3 ?9 |
你让我脸发热: t; F! O8 Z7 U' }0 }
我爱上你的大嘴唇
. }. v& w4 f% `% Y" y( n# x5 v! E2 FXXXXX
5 O" Z" r& d5 w& X  x不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

; D, ?: x/ l' ]" F# j; d( y; ~; z! ^: q8 U/ T" c7 M+ r  M
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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