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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love# M  v( Y! T1 Y9 T, v5 d9 V/ q

' g0 T1 \  \3 C& P& C5 [% U6 FI fell in love with you
$ w$ n' H5 ]1 W& zAt the first week we met
: v$ _* u+ @3 |% k* u- A4 X& v) P5 j2 W( ?, g, K. K
You have charm, you have looks
: T/ r/ x# D! R" _: `with full of pimples in face9 m4 {1 S" ]9 r+ d/ ^6 R" L0 w6 k
As spotting sky at a summer night
) f& d* r+ a1 ^2 O9 lThey are shining stars& v" R. w- j6 b* }- G) @8 X
  Z5 o" {7 q/ E  n. S
Your lip is so big* T, i2 i  @5 H; G! ^) a
And that’s good for a kiss
0 |6 [1 D& y# T& w6 F. ~6 VYour body is chubby
: S: e7 }; Q9 V# x" X3 q1 ]# ZAnd that is good for sex
4 v# r2 q0 X& _  U
, _( y: ^0 I) T% W0 TI was deeply in love; K0 J" |. z& c$ M* L& G
Everything from you is positive7 P3 q2 |1 ~; n) X6 y
You blame me everything and everyday) C/ z' s. I8 h
And I think all girls sound like
' L: K& Z! ^) n! a3 [+ [* h& c
$ N2 o. p# b: H4 }1 w0 }You could not stand my eating
! ]/ y) N: S+ a$ |- V9 j! A2 h; L1 SSaying no good for making funny sound! N$ l# H( T* N! D6 g+ f; u
I think you are perfectly right
! g7 A4 A! J0 g% {, WEating with sound is a pig' b8 U: j4 m' ]; p7 Z4 \

9 L8 N' _. h! \+ }. L7 qI fell in love with you
" A( t& i: X4 H4 d  ABecome a fool to think
, K7 v1 K+ ^( p' DAll trouble things you did
  p; g4 h. M6 O6 s% n8 P$ BAnd that is the price for love
# g# V% I4 N( ~% M+ n% a4 b1 l$ O+ Y5 V+ C4 a* q0 C: R" T- t
you are deeply in love! w6 t* ^. y$ Y
Everything from me is negative4 M  c- Q. M& e( L2 X5 t: s
"My man should be like this,
7 \" F6 k! P0 xand I am helping you to improve'# [" E4 P$ \& t" A
% c$ w: V2 C" L3 {" v1 n8 q) h
You are loving me
* W' w  g: P9 n6 w8 wor that one in your mind?" J: A1 N( f8 m  u
My mind is like a mud
6 n; e' C6 Z0 ecan be shaped whatever you want
- A; L2 r, }* V9 Z6 N
' Z$ D* r1 h; {! O) }unfortunalety not my heart. Z8 ]' t, w; x6 N7 S0 a% _+ i  E0 H
It is slashed by you , k4 p6 k+ M' a) H# ^7 o: o- ^
and I am seriously hurt
+ A3 S1 @8 H$ N
) `0 U' D( H! J/ AI will never love another 8 f; `  m( o, ~% S
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
" U+ M" l' w+ ]0 F9 kmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
- l7 F% X6 ~8 h3 e5 @' r4 W0 [; T

! k4 G1 b5 a/ _" R咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!& F4 [- r7 y: f4 N0 X
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 1 F9 V8 ]- I! D% S
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.5 S( [+ l/ M9 Z
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed- c' F! V+ S6 [, M* O4 J5 S1 r( _
7 j( L/ O( I4 k- n% }
with the charm,
- E' u6 r6 k3 W9 z7 ^9 n2 nwith the simles.
( b' `9 J3 H3 E/ w; cI fell in love with you
  k. h6 F# B* g9 bIn the first sign.
/ Z% V3 W" O) e" _  YAs spotting sky at a summer " |8 Q+ o" e* }6 \4 H

, ~3 K! b  K' YYour lip is so soft
  w4 }8 f, A. Y4 athere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
, A7 ~% H& \4 J6 ?Your body is so sexy
- V# X/ W  j6 d/ O" B& rAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
3 w* D5 H( s1 Q5 {, L6 p9 @  k4 z5 |4 T1 {- g
I am deeply in love7 C" [. l+ t$ j$ y/ c
Everything from you is so charming
6 p0 \$ N7 Z, Q$ N, _0 y& lalthough You r so picky for me $ v& p/ R. \: l3 x' g5 }) B8 ?- O
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.4 I: \! T4 A. ]0 G! j7 Y
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
6 Y: P: M  }0 s% ?7 j# z
( x8 {6 d6 M" ?% h3 N2 Y  A2 i4 }1 a2 I6 p: J5 g& U; ^
His hello is the end of her endings
, u% ?* e! I/ J0 k3 W' qHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle( U6 I5 j0 h7 h  a8 w1 y9 e# Z
His hand would be hers to hold forever
$ ~0 u* q5 x5 [; p1 ]; F; IHis forever is simply as her smile 7 K( ~8 e6 W' i$ {) z, b
He said she was what was missing
4 L0 Z+ |/ U  _/ a0 O. f  l2 t# PShe said instantly she knew7 B9 T  q. b; S3 {2 {
She was a question to be answered
0 B$ y- Z# K' q' U& }And his answer is ! o# ^( v# |$ I5 |8 a- A- ]* ~3 R* w% t
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ m4 e2 B( P9 A
2 y; V1 n8 @0 d+ y1 }% o1 XBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
4 M) w# D! s% O% H; K8 t8 S4 i
1 _! n3 T, b4 }1 _  a# F) S. B2 K, pIt's amazing how I felt 4 ~* j. H8 c% F9 e0 a- I
when I was with you
( t2 s" z. d  T" Z, JMy heart beat so fast
6 [+ {- j" H; YI looked at you and thought
& G, B4 ^$ G* T& ^, u. I( cHoly Jesus, you were so cute
. ~! |: p! ~8 [* y( h6 |! Y6 y) j& U+ c6 N: o& I
You left me without a word
1 q- @) a) r# T, T9 }4 rI have nothing except my emptiness
& [) B: u1 |% S. R' S. ^My mood is like a cloud1 s: A% [4 @4 }4 M
How could it be dispersed?
1 T) Z; E3 Z5 h" ~# q
2 p: k" [  G- y6 [* lFeelings bite my heart + {) ~* `& o: H6 l
You are the right one I wait7 Y( u- c4 q8 b6 o3 @
In the depth of my soul
6 p8 n& B$ o' @* V, ^, ?7 _I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美+ q2 A4 r  \# F6 Q0 x! Y
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) R4 Z7 a9 i3 A, W就和用中文写一次
" E! L2 L5 t5 Q) X: O阿,我爱你% ^# [0 R3 ]4 `3 Z
你让我心跳好快& ]: k$ q1 \6 Z
你让我脸发热+ ?- V' R6 \. Z9 E' _3 b' N
我爱上你的大嘴唇
& U$ A5 n1 Z$ r' V, x: HXXXXX3 w+ J( e0 Z, a* [
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
! ?. Z& X2 ]6 Y6 y6 p  h# E% u3 X
, D/ e, `% B( N+ \如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER0 q: P' m5 p& Q) S5 J1 |0 m1 O( R
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 , L8 @' \9 A* |+ Q) X4 F
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美0 \( i1 U  F. y% m
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道/ a8 n1 d$ j% P& J7 V1 L- _
就和用中文写一次1 J2 m1 M% d( a
阿,我爱你
! x6 i9 T/ b/ d; t你让我心跳好快: E+ W" z/ S) }6 n* h% u8 f
你让我脸发热1 {4 S3 y6 T" _; A' K* O: f* h7 o
我爱上你的大嘴唇
, W+ H9 ^/ n! q4 s0 NXXXXX
0 q, _* X/ x; t  d5 R不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

1 Y& t$ e7 R2 @0 d8 H$ T
1 ]& i* Z' S! a7 ?) Z靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.( N) k( E4 b! c- ?& {6 O8 ]5 U
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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