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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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I fell in love with you
$ s. E. ~& x$ ~4 ~7 W. K3 I# g* SAt the first week we met
  q; y) x1 r" {, `: |2 j
0 S3 u) [4 W; f0 e5 QYou have charm, you have looks
: V9 O, ^% c: Vwith full of pimples in face
2 I( g" [9 ^- |+ V  P% j# q( E2 CAs spotting sky at a summer night+ B% s5 T& q6 F8 {
They are shining stars5 |2 D1 A9 D9 i' X/ ~, L& Q
3 Y: C% _8 {$ U, H7 B
Your lip is so big
) C7 }0 j' C% Q. m" @$ n' c3 kAnd that’s good for a kiss
. p0 R" \( J0 n" Z. G& ]Your body is chubby9 y. F$ K3 e+ D* n% I
And that is good for sex
' D7 v6 h0 |! N5 Z" ~
  ?0 z, M* P0 ]" ^I was deeply in love0 V7 p+ q4 p) l" h' P3 F! h$ V4 h
Everything from you is positive
& C1 \4 d" ?2 N1 M/ _You blame me everything and everyday
9 J: t# e! X) t+ AAnd I think all girls sound like
% h; I8 x7 c& |& p# B7 }% T
( N' `" f. u* eYou could not stand my eating6 A6 k, @$ J% V
Saying no good for making funny sound0 x( [. e( x; V4 k5 i5 R4 k
I think you are perfectly right3 @$ K5 f3 e7 _2 T$ q7 Y
Eating with sound is a pig
/ u2 q) [# d1 M6 r# K  Y& d
$ B9 u: [; ]# ^4 P. X% XI fell in love with you - g. h$ C7 X2 p- g
Become a fool to think
- ^8 w: `' Y5 V5 L3 M8 }: lAll trouble things you did
- C8 Y; z# \6 e, _8 c1 \$ \9 zAnd that is the price for love
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you are deeply in love5 c! \. I4 L) j. u% P0 d2 T
Everything from me is negative- R( ^3 `1 B1 }4 T
"My man should be like this,
) Z7 d. W4 X' |( t* tand I am helping you to improve': s. A0 D! e, \9 P6 h1 K
! a( K" H( X1 Q  c' X% k) i
You are loving me / R: Q+ Q, }+ ~9 ~. o0 i3 ]9 s9 m/ d
or that one in your mind?
: K; L8 k6 s- E2 Q2 rMy mind is like a mud
+ C2 L6 Z- b( I( P. Q6 ?! Q8 Ican be shaped whatever you want
1 S/ T8 X% Y2 }& P. O! v9 ^, w6 L0 X' H
unfortunalety not my heart
0 |/ n4 h( d, |& P$ ]6 sIt is slashed by you + s3 j" N. N; i. Z" \0 ~7 Z' H7 ?" x
and I am seriously hurt% ?( X" {& f& r% Z. O  q
2 w) }, x6 l8 u4 F, O
I will never love another
8 f, Y2 e+ W# w7 n7 l& zIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
大型搬家
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 6 Q' ]% Y# c7 m- T& R
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
; }+ O" S: P( Q4 q+ ~! g1 r

; k% I  p+ ]4 b* Z& c6 T咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!' I* n* |( B0 d2 R
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 1 V# e( b! {) `% M- L, D
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.$ V  A& M# K6 J) Y2 {
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
7 K4 ]; N8 m; a; ?( r3 W7 g/ b0 ?+ B; ^" F- a1 p2 ?' b  r
with the charm,3 A- w: c6 b& h. O. C7 g
with the simles.
- w0 o3 ~  x, ~1 X: z# UI fell in love with you * u' U% m3 X  h, c( L  B' ?1 |" a0 @
In the first sign.0 O+ f- r. k- U
As spotting sky at a summer - K! V9 d5 T. ?( P8 Q% F! `6 Y
1 H! V3 A& s! G5 |) b
Your lip is so soft
4 I# w  E. a9 w- s( i. xthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ m" Y# V1 Q4 X. aYour body is so sexy; {$ `7 L7 l# Y9 k( i: m% N$ d( R
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
# A6 }. P6 S3 `4 ?
. Z$ ~! P8 m3 E+ wI am deeply in love
  i  B! q: k5 Z% P; VEverything from you is so charming9 c  Q- d4 O' W% l5 e  f
although You r so picky for me
- Z! P$ ~) u! o* H, pAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.+ U1 I; L/ @+ s7 q
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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5 E  V& I9 ~7 X* I  S  u4 E* ?His hello is the end of her endings1 t' X1 D) [, s  T
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle, N: }/ J& N" K3 k
His hand would be hers to hold forever. e6 r' n2 a- I- v- L! a* q. d
His forever is simply as her smile
+ \: z+ j  r" T$ k8 nHe said she was what was missing
* {- p1 Q8 v  C  P+ @; C3 P# I  LShe said instantly she knew' t) n; E2 N% |. j& z8 t* O
She was a question to be answered
6 Q" ~6 a8 y& u# {And his answer is
) d' [# ~8 B1 {- ?% Q8 G3 ~I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas3 F7 w# p! H% m

( K% c( C$ t; i$ p- zBelow is my new one, any comment?
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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It's amazing how I felt . A3 X' i( a0 @1 Z+ N: D' d
when I was with you  G  z# G0 R- \* r. p4 q1 F: d
My heart beat so fast; {, Q: }( ?3 A% V" B
I looked at you and thought
! Q* e3 r4 g* K$ k; Q, O! fHoly Jesus, you were so cute0 ]! e% Q2 ]0 l4 r0 X" s
: Q9 q4 U% \" r8 x. g
You left me without a word
5 l- i& P# h8 ^# P  O% k( J/ _4 hI have nothing except my emptiness
$ X! z& t- Z% g5 N* ^1 [1 ]My mood is like a cloud
' f$ ~  Z0 n% ^$ a7 c- E" \How could it be dispersed?
$ u  s/ Z  q/ b; x& N9 W+ X) a/ X3 E% E& ?! ~* _: |
Feelings bite my heart 7 y& |, |/ W: r' a/ y
You are the right one I wait9 ?) D" d" t: ]
In the depth of my soul
9 g! s6 t2 I+ \) VI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美$ i% I& L2 F) e0 C: B: i
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" }! I: m& t! j6 e- F! [
就和用中文写一次
0 z4 f8 l; b9 o  L- g5 B/ b+ Y阿,我爱你' L8 p# l8 `7 b' N5 {* A
你让我心跳好快6 H; U7 C& v' a' `6 O
你让我脸发热4 e* C, Z1 p9 f, X* C* p
我爱上你的大嘴唇
; R9 v2 s; Q. E; x8 v% U& ~XXXXX: l+ t7 q- w% ^' R  b% V0 B
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
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如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER) T. P! _5 T/ m; Y0 h/ h
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
. n* ^/ R9 \) r/ t+ w* n. \- Q7 g4 K4 a闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! J( ~) V# v/ {! W: z1 p% \7 B2 G你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" F" J: N7 h1 \+ [+ |
就和用中文写一次$ H! y1 c$ i. C, W+ }# R
阿,我爱你3 n6 ^  W% Z: V3 ?
你让我心跳好快
; T% r, ^. \) c  s" Y你让我脸发热" N$ I. p: f1 r, f4 @6 K
我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 r1 V6 D) `2 M9 M! zXXXXX( S) W' I& ]$ V/ J
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
) H+ s- e$ |) F+ v7 d- g* _

, A3 m; z. T  E; C' b, L7 S靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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