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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
7 u5 n$ p; C  P* ^8 l! w; _0 Z; T" K; p0 p2 b( O$ C' ]
I fell in love with you
3 U0 A# r. @# Q* R( p" z( VAt the first week we met
. ^' o: U1 i6 l: T. O, `
. l+ g- o, B* d+ Y% zYou have charm, you have looks* i0 ^% j; s0 C" g2 O) V1 p; @% W$ M
with full of pimples in face( \- A% Z/ C9 T" W2 w& ]
As spotting sky at a summer night' R- S- f' s# D
They are shining stars
8 z) {* C& t  A; O- f) `/ r  p5 h2 P3 G  M' ?% }
Your lip is so big
% w# M) [# |0 O/ T5 E7 j4 S1 hAnd that’s good for a kiss
  S" i& ]  d7 c  jYour body is chubby
1 }% I5 `6 Z4 K, y4 q' CAnd that is good for sex) a2 O: F1 w! \& b
, [  u& V  a) Y1 D, j
I was deeply in love% D2 b' h# a' g1 ?' i9 k
Everything from you is positive
+ O, ~" M+ O# ?/ K  jYou blame me everything and everyday
2 f: Q8 {8 o! d$ M; GAnd I think all girls sound like! Q: W" Y$ ~, w

! S9 }. N( J! ?You could not stand my eating
  q$ H! K# {0 Q/ F- _Saying no good for making funny sound
1 X3 z) D. _: W7 BI think you are perfectly right
  R4 Y8 x; d  CEating with sound is a pig
4 L$ x2 d. N8 U. {9 _$ G& ^1 Y6 B! m3 r1 V. X& L
I fell in love with you . o# v" ~7 h, [+ V! s! L$ Y. I
Become a fool to think
# P% J9 h5 \7 v7 @$ K: ^6 eAll trouble things you did
0 H% s/ Z* R3 `% o1 gAnd that is the price for love
  q) Q+ l5 p  m: k- i/ X* b2 D5 l* z, I( p2 y) H4 i
you are deeply in love
% a) h, H1 f% N7 gEverything from me is negative9 }5 O8 l6 O  i; V
"My man should be like this,3 k) c5 r6 m9 {% x0 y) a5 s
and I am helping you to improve'
6 v$ U; v7 Z6 S/ X6 u% ^1 l; P- k, D3 a
You are loving me
) c6 F; p  h& ^! V% o6 Xor that one in your mind?
' Q. B* ~5 m4 O/ OMy mind is like a mud; G* }9 p! d/ ~* O4 k
can be shaped whatever you want7 _" m1 D; u( U+ s! \
% O# u% r4 z" f1 |! W
unfortunalety not my heart
" _- Z8 l' @# G& v9 ~! T8 lIt is slashed by you
: @; T% p/ ^8 v' @$ t6 @and I am seriously hurt
9 q3 \% u7 }8 f  G; J9 K6 }/ ?0 m( I
I will never love another
& M' \/ h0 @5 D! Z; b! NIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
$ q) k( q/ o' u- Z0 xmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

2 I& @' Z. k' m) C+ E4 P
+ Z, }$ a  b9 B. h% ?9 B咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
, k$ R5 e% L/ j5 E8 x不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
- ]0 k/ Q5 S0 i; X5 p. bi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.7 Y( @1 S& b" a, f0 d
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
- m' X/ y3 _$ E1 u
& S( I) T9 A$ p! h+ mwith the charm,$ R) a7 p% Q% q# Q! a
with the simles.
% h/ z) ?; {8 F  o5 ]6 @! uI fell in love with you
$ R" s0 D8 f$ a' jIn the first sign.
* I% @' ^' ^3 E2 zAs spotting sky at a summer
* B7 b& h' P5 J& W0 J( _4 T0 X% H4 z5 m1 ^0 q
Your lip is so soft " r4 b9 D5 W0 S  ?8 t- X' n$ `
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
3 b) }3 M  ]$ K  \% ^7 E' \) |% p( sYour body is so sexy$ p9 o" l! P4 G3 f7 h
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.; D, I) O8 E" D  |7 q5 w7 |

, i, ~* o1 d; ~/ m/ @% x3 R. TI am deeply in love
% g2 t% {/ x0 {. p/ x9 V! rEverything from you is so charming
4 W4 [" q7 r* J8 x$ Valthough You r so picky for me # Q1 q* v# G+ k
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.4 @# u0 ?8 {: K  k7 T/ f+ d
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem2 T$ L* U( s& p9 B& ^+ m

8 x* B) a. `. M3 j
/ e  @8 W, t% p& R/ E& oHis hello is the end of her endings/ U; c# ^7 Y6 I; H0 V
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( g8 \+ J7 a. x% ~3 q* mHis hand would be hers to hold forever. o: v5 P# ^( }; ]. M8 _7 _' m6 z" ]
His forever is simply as her smile
0 x) N- e% @, |, l9 |He said she was what was missing: H3 E- y# |+ S! ?
She said instantly she knew
# N$ Q3 W5 a! ^8 @) P4 EShe was a question to be answered% H- k% O7 }0 k. K
And his answer is 2 e2 e: R6 g/ P% z
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
, i  w9 T) z/ P# T% g8 Q" B) s8 t/ g8 t/ z, _' \2 D# k
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
# \& o1 ], n9 n; W8 F- d& [% v8 |7 @7 ]( I- e
It's amazing how I felt 6 G' g0 g8 @7 z3 n
when I was with you: j9 G% o* }/ O& O
My heart beat so fast
4 f1 ?" L! m8 C+ {: n0 L$ xI looked at you and thought
4 d5 H' V* ]/ _7 o7 i% H: X' _Holy Jesus, you were so cute+ f" R+ ?% h- R/ x* T0 I+ T
- y6 D* C+ n: p( v3 ~) `0 `( I7 Y
You left me without a word
& u! R7 x! ~0 N8 T' Q1 @8 R5 WI have nothing except my emptiness
" F4 F3 p# P- l& e& m2 dMy mood is like a cloud
& G- T1 P! j2 p* h9 WHow could it be dispersed?
! D) B$ b( Q; L7 ?
( B1 v. m! d" ?Feelings bite my heart
1 y; b0 b+ V8 w5 f0 Z9 O' tYou are the right one I wait" ]: e$ U4 J/ Q; c( o: M
In the depth of my soul  b( G$ U# K- C9 e. U2 Y% j+ B8 r
I will love you till I'm dead
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美- u+ L1 k  @- l$ h) N. r' m4 K
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
/ }9 s  Q/ w: n6 Q; a* }就和用中文写一次7 M8 n& e  ~! L5 `& ~  V  }3 F
阿,我爱你
% @1 d8 N; ]0 }. A+ e! Q  d1 d你让我心跳好快
4 h$ r. h9 G' E. X: U9 G你让我脸发热
% T' w0 e: h( M) f( P我爱上你的大嘴唇5 g7 l( _! h5 O0 x. f/ y
XXXXX
" Z  Q+ F- l8 {0 |% b! J2 O不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?' c: ~( D; x, \6 H6 d' @( L% X

, S; w7 C; X8 ?如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER; o: @  x; Y' a2 `
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
" ^5 F- ?9 V/ J/ l: N闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: K6 ?: K  v/ O2 Q  U你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道+ w- d. l: B8 S5 ~1 N
就和用中文写一次, j$ x7 V6 f# L
阿,我爱你0 E6 M* m: s7 m8 W) x9 j' ^
你让我心跳好快& ]! ^% A! P# f8 S" `4 J
你让我脸发热
% n% L( x$ U! ^! e; s: v我爱上你的大嘴唇
* R1 y" _$ p  ?& @XXXXX
: ^/ |8 d% H8 ^8 C, ~不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

. V. v2 ^% A1 I4 c5 A
1 V% J9 x2 ^0 Y, G' c9 R靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.  v/ i8 e' k5 S6 W1 q, Z
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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