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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love9 P" W  r: L/ u1 w3 n# T

: O# r9 \( a% {* e: k8 _) E5 z* `I fell in love with you
" k( B8 Z/ k8 G0 Z8 @0 o1 ?5 n& _9 u: CAt the first week we met
0 ~1 {: _; ]) `; T& w* _6 v  h1 o8 V) C' G; k, _
You have charm, you have looks/ L2 W3 s3 L- O5 X' i: s" D
with full of pimples in face
6 C1 z, e$ G/ K4 n1 a) FAs spotting sky at a summer night: e5 o% h! j& X3 \* R
They are shining stars3 Y, t& h. L& O6 |+ Y4 T

# v( u) S- p2 c' ]; v$ W2 gYour lip is so big# l4 ~0 I5 l# d! ^; I* A0 o, J
And that’s good for a kiss+ K% r3 C8 N8 P. K
Your body is chubby
- ]& G# k/ i3 q2 y7 lAnd that is good for sex
: V$ {* y: u3 r1 I" f7 J+ O  d4 Q! V
I was deeply in love
5 Y6 i; J, v  C/ XEverything from you is positive
' R! O: X! h5 T. N, t- q. oYou blame me everything and everyday
5 H) o/ G( [0 O. S) e2 L0 RAnd I think all girls sound like
5 r# p& h$ e, Z1 J  w3 H* \; O0 i. g7 o) W: k* |" J
You could not stand my eating
* S2 r2 i  o5 ^2 XSaying no good for making funny sound" r2 f4 q4 `) w5 {* t- }+ z
I think you are perfectly right
* h7 Z0 [. `. U8 F5 r/ BEating with sound is a pig  ?* M- x1 P' E4 X
2 D: s' w$ d7 ?7 a1 u3 D1 \9 y# h+ H
I fell in love with you   m+ O# c, w8 R) w+ R+ _- A
Become a fool to think5 _  k( A+ _1 L% B) t/ C) n% T
All trouble things you did# @$ D! T$ m9 `% _
And that is the price for love; o8 e9 \1 }, j2 Y  j
) z2 o! b6 p* v
you are deeply in love
+ K" D/ Q" d. [2 l7 QEverything from me is negative
7 B6 P' D' x3 Y3 K4 H) e"My man should be like this,& D. c: e! _& ^0 h$ Z  U
and I am helping you to improve'
, Y4 }$ |" H' @( I7 X$ L0 d" D2 A  d6 M* l7 ]) f
You are loving me
2 }# F* D( ]' o# U. g* f: `% ?or that one in your mind?
: O% P* I2 u1 e, uMy mind is like a mud! j& |' \. N: D8 `+ V8 E. D% Z' m
can be shaped whatever you want! ?& u' C, Z. P5 \9 }

; c2 m# O0 z7 Z* u5 Q4 I' Zunfortunalety not my heart
5 V" X1 I# I1 z9 _& L2 b6 vIt is slashed by you
0 Y" ]* K; ?' s$ e. Aand I am seriously hurt1 I5 {% [7 t. l; ]

, Q9 ?& d; d1 y/ g9 i: w3 h! E* fI will never love another 9 |* ?  z3 P, \! \: [$ f
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
* Y" h6 j1 ^! ]+ W: N9 @' Nmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
' P6 P: O; ^7 `

3 f, C/ R0 \4 {' D, @- K, M咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!5 g* Y4 ?3 P; k. j
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
' P* z: h# r& m3 Q" q3 x$ T# Ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.& B. f" M3 o1 W! u1 H
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
! c* [# U1 G1 ?; @" x+ y8 l" Q9 G7 t$ m0 e
with the charm,+ \: Q0 b# S3 o9 I+ |
with the simles.6 K$ @6 u& I, m- ~  B4 d7 X
I fell in love with you
8 d$ A7 G& a# d1 v5 [1 uIn the first sign.
% E8 i$ `$ T5 I& K, iAs spotting sky at a summer
1 _& @* _+ f3 t
' \6 ]' ~' [; o) `' r/ F6 lYour lip is so soft 3 h+ P+ {* b( y2 a+ Z$ U. v9 I: w
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
  ~( `, _, w  I; s, aYour body is so sexy
4 w% P& N9 t5 ], j  }# R2 l; cAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
- ^" H$ w. `# T5 K, F
8 N* ^; R) V+ ]- T3 R/ Q, VI am deeply in love
6 p* h5 w6 T$ Q6 ?8 i/ {( _Everything from you is so charming+ G  m; d+ W5 J2 U
although You r so picky for me
6 k- ^$ L' @3 H( K0 g- cAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) Z  G+ Z$ D; k1 j9 wBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
- v# G; T% Q4 {+ s
/ `, }& E; j# [& q; l1 B% ^! Q) j; ]. u5 S7 U
His hello is the end of her endings
; p3 y, }; h7 JHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( Z  z! c1 C' v* _3 H- H* R& A8 WHis hand would be hers to hold forever
0 j3 q0 H. O4 w5 |His forever is simply as her smile - \8 q) H* {4 G1 ~
He said she was what was missing  y4 c4 D  t: {1 n
She said instantly she knew
# @4 j8 v6 @" r: [( m8 m0 CShe was a question to be answered
9 u1 Y# ~, g: _7 r( j. MAnd his answer is 7 j. \- N1 u. z7 P" w: r6 |
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas( Y6 S+ u, y! w- Y1 E4 g

% g; o' M6 L$ O4 {  VBelow is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt  _0 f; Y3 Z; H& @- Q9 z: O; x$ }

2 X6 j1 u# H8 b! w) U+ b: i( `( [It's amazing how I felt ' b2 X) t) C0 i  A) B, s
when I was with you
% Z! W6 t1 @* `, k9 ^. h2 RMy heart beat so fast3 m/ f: f. v' g+ O0 o: f
I looked at you and thought
/ g  c% o# J: A. t1 PHoly Jesus, you were so cute' G$ Y1 p" X( p2 j3 s; l

& ?7 I! u" h/ \: ]7 sYou left me without a word
2 \  j! J; ^# e9 F2 I  a$ HI have nothing except my emptiness
1 P1 {: F) {- F( n, W( B% Y( _! wMy mood is like a cloud6 j& U$ _2 L$ d, w. U5 f
How could it be dispersed?7 x/ |+ w8 S9 w# r
1 e$ ?3 [6 j  S! y6 @8 Z! \
Feelings bite my heart
' k" s8 N" o7 }- ~; u& eYou are the right one I wait7 ^7 g( q- [; \2 ]$ P% G  s
In the depth of my soul
, D5 [5 I! _% ^+ \: g" fI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# s- A* a: T" O( |+ _6 [
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道+ i" [9 T; f& \# \
就和用中文写一次
. z7 Y* p+ Q* O& h1 r6 f' n3 m; V0 x阿,我爱你
- c8 J8 X: F2 N% b# @1 R: H你让我心跳好快8 E1 ]: t$ W2 f5 \& m
你让我脸发热2 y; T% Q! |* t" w' K
我爱上你的大嘴唇5 [* j+ D) K  G3 J4 A/ f0 |$ |
XXXXX
$ R# p6 Q9 z% _不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?3 i' q3 d) h  ~( l, ?

6 T" z! n: z/ x+ S  O5 y, w如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
$ {. u" e" I" X- p8 i至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 e* j! n/ q* Y( j+ `闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
) W4 d4 c4 r: Z0 U* O* M) {9 ]你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 g; b  P2 ?  h就和用中文写一次% X- S* d2 w4 Q+ j5 W- Z0 ]
阿,我爱你4 U: y" v4 p" z( g
你让我心跳好快- k* ~7 A  |9 l
你让我脸发热/ p" P1 n# s) j" y' }. R7 A: V
我爱上你的大嘴唇- a+ V  V1 g4 V! G% I& c
XXXXX
) g; N9 U$ A  _& y# o: w1 Z. m* q不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

4 [5 Q3 y6 i, v: ]* k: w& Z6 b  a  x6 G% Q9 M! e" K" G+ E( m$ W2 W
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
, g, j  |% y, l6 z& H4 N
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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