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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
& \# m* [" L* H  ?  Y
' ^9 q$ l8 E" G+ e; S! b" {" dI fell in love with you * U4 }4 r) v# @' D0 h* T7 e
At the first week we met
( U% r. o7 D4 f) ?7 h  Q- A# |. `1 b# M9 h' ~9 `
You have charm, you have looks
: y) \8 n% A" N) S- hwith full of pimples in face
% C3 g; o% C! k2 ~; B% z. qAs spotting sky at a summer night
  c7 c) q0 z. H: m. oThey are shining stars
. ^- `0 d" D) I- y+ R. o/ w: y6 a. |
Your lip is so big
- w" x* F( ]' r$ |# a0 }+ t3 s% X! {And that’s good for a kiss9 g; f5 G6 ], \9 A2 {3 k/ M' Z
Your body is chubby" u/ _4 t9 @  h  J# b
And that is good for sex
2 E: y5 _& Z; V, }: \7 H3 u) P( W( b
( Z  ]) t4 ?7 g4 ZI was deeply in love2 N6 U. `1 K+ N2 D. H/ S! h
Everything from you is positive
# {8 m' I) D7 D. IYou blame me everything and everyday
% ^7 w+ k" A: ~$ T9 w+ ^" [And I think all girls sound like
0 q) L+ F8 ?6 E# V6 l! J) X! i- T+ ?7 R7 P! P& F2 b
You could not stand my eating
' V" R3 {# W& Y3 |Saying no good for making funny sound7 _& }) u! i& K% w! Z& V
I think you are perfectly right
  u1 z1 E; l' w$ y2 K: nEating with sound is a pig1 X) M4 H7 P. ]2 T, o( [

; t9 u: w$ c- H, h+ q0 C4 NI fell in love with you . B) }- R+ f8 N+ @$ s/ V' ~
Become a fool to think+ t& [& P8 a; w# N& z" E" h
All trouble things you did
5 h, I8 B4 d4 R$ z6 a  hAnd that is the price for love+ K  H9 z' |0 \" Y$ [0 H0 M* j
; c+ C: }. Q) k4 d, Q  Q
you are deeply in love
. r% }( _4 d3 @1 ?7 }  _$ `Everything from me is negative$ P$ H6 ], V9 F: F7 P/ g
"My man should be like this,' {: |3 B9 j% s
and I am helping you to improve'# m6 y- R. k0 }9 h' P. `, ?
4 v0 c# `0 _8 @  Z
You are loving me
) z7 v' F+ `3 Mor that one in your mind?7 Z6 _: ]9 |2 r
My mind is like a mud' Q6 J, g5 n% {, `
can be shaped whatever you want
* C' i2 t) B' Z- P- T; K* o, L7 d
) B, v6 }5 B* ]3 i# s& |unfortunalety not my heart0 y9 N9 k: I+ x0 x3 f4 I
It is slashed by you
/ A9 I4 `# Z8 i/ M, d9 Oand I am seriously hurt
7 W  Y; v; z  q* }0 t1 n! v! Q0 L; v0 {! J$ \! p# n) ?
I will never love another
. z/ i- L4 P" J  f; HIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
7 z- z4 ^3 x6 {4 R# g& pmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

) A0 t3 n! t- v0 F
. g7 ?: }9 n) z- v咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
9 H( V. E3 z$ k% e不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ( M; y* [+ t% T: {/ b/ A
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
3 P# h& p5 H/ ?' y% G  v4 NAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
: d8 D6 ]  ]1 `; ~5 i: j# z' a$ I1 l! Z0 H+ q$ \8 M+ y
with the charm,9 {" T6 Y4 {5 S1 T# l# M, `
with the simles.
, X) ]2 T7 c1 hI fell in love with you
5 V# o" f2 L7 x9 s) sIn the first sign.9 _: t+ o7 f" |9 k4 {
As spotting sky at a summer
2 e$ Z1 D- m, X" C. X
% {7 Z7 W6 x0 I# m% Z" H- F+ T/ t7 kYour lip is so soft 7 q  l5 p+ G& c- {. K0 X: r
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss& v2 C8 W" C. S3 V
Your body is so sexy* `$ b. _$ e) H" `" w$ n" O
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
3 H8 [) x! @8 M0 ?/ J. ?
* a3 I& ]  O8 K" K6 h! g1 I8 PI am deeply in love: k  H  h, l2 e
Everything from you is so charming, i& }8 `2 _- z' P+ P
although You r so picky for me + [, r, l% h# \; e( Z% v. B' R
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2., ?- r# B9 H6 u
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem% i6 D! c; d: u# i
8 _+ x# i2 C, ]+ c
  H, Y" C0 D9 I2 b
His hello is the end of her endings: \" g. _( o4 |3 U/ @
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle* ?" l& l2 O. |
His hand would be hers to hold forever1 o" V9 ]- `# s. F$ \. f! g% t0 a
His forever is simply as her smile
$ k) E* ~' z/ F% M( n+ a8 s% ^) g$ _He said she was what was missing
7 f! T3 `8 p* ^! R. V7 d1 zShe said instantly she knew! l$ }* U. |0 a8 Z; h! s
She was a question to be answered
: G- W6 E* H1 \+ C2 Z" ?; vAnd his answer is
9 c2 R/ |3 T& U5 N% Z- M* HI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
* q5 d: J8 z; _( M! `6 L
' v' @$ C8 S+ C* u7 JBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
7 S5 `- A( ~! l" M! A9 [! c; `# N; O( ^% \8 q5 G" q- H
It's amazing how I felt . i0 }4 _4 V5 `! ?
when I was with you0 k& u( @3 D9 G! m
My heart beat so fast  I- }) p) f; S  d1 \6 R" e
I looked at you and thought
" F2 }$ V( ]1 `8 n. L6 mHoly Jesus, you were so cute4 c/ R" Q1 b  f% K

! W& l/ `  V) Z* G3 ^You left me without a word% {: E( N' z3 {. N# O7 I& s1 p
I have nothing except my emptiness6 ~( p$ H# {* J8 g0 D# @
My mood is like a cloud% |9 O0 H' v7 @& `! w
How could it be dispersed?( e6 {8 Y( N3 l% _2 \0 h
& B9 D9 _7 S* n! E2 M" ~
Feelings bite my heart
+ k% k0 L+ Z9 L2 Z8 h1 _# sYou are the right one I wait
( V2 Z; n1 E7 s$ l2 vIn the depth of my soul& t4 ]0 Q$ G# M" V2 i
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ ]! n' e  F, @. y" ]; o你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
5 Y! j6 ~# l' D' S4 E就和用中文写一次' d, \: V  Y" w$ M0 ]4 f
阿,我爱你, Y7 S& F* [3 ?  _
你让我心跳好快
. V8 N& M" j' S/ |你让我脸发热
* G2 v  H5 |* M3 `我爱上你的大嘴唇' @) }. M2 y% Q
XXXXX( Z  c' m5 ?# }  [, E6 a7 \9 d
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
# N$ q$ @6 d% B" }  Y/ u
. O5 y2 I' B% |5 ^4 z) l如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER) C+ O- t: o2 X& D& E5 k
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
- s5 u+ m1 x# c/ s, B' _闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美9 w& P' J& p( y4 P  j' p& `2 v
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( S; y5 n5 p% @, W+ r4 s
就和用中文写一次
& A; C% W# s: f( }" I, |阿,我爱你
1 ~5 p4 z; b: m" H你让我心跳好快
4 Y( i) [! i  V你让我脸发热
) i. m+ a* ]/ O5 U$ F; \% ?9 n我爱上你的大嘴唇' h% B6 @5 W  X: A9 V$ S- |' U: c. L
XXXXX
6 f+ q, x( G% S, O+ g不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

* j: P" ^1 w2 X7 ~" w  J; w8 S
' W4 o# C" N& A- ]靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
大型搬家
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.3 ^# E& K% \7 T& l1 |8 P
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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