埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5143|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
  b! P8 `% L* ?5 D, |  g/ ~( ?. X2 c4 ?: f- }, t
I fell in love with you
$ s; i3 A7 p* b" r& z5 ^6 e3 z$ v6 uAt the first week we met0 X+ K( E. U' \8 D( k

2 U1 p" e3 x1 T. ?You have charm, you have looks
" m4 R, g1 v: R! h$ A/ dwith full of pimples in face# B3 C4 E* M* c7 [( [; ~  o
As spotting sky at a summer night! ]0 I2 Y  U- U" c+ j
They are shining stars3 j; x% h4 m- x# ~3 O3 w7 T

. \. l5 J+ u5 s3 G6 }+ U0 PYour lip is so big8 v* F) Y" a5 W$ t. K# W: B9 S1 _
And that’s good for a kiss! j% f& l4 H4 a7 ^0 c
Your body is chubby
+ N; ~( Q& ^6 K) \4 DAnd that is good for sex, v3 A. ]) l& \0 [
* g* j) V- T" D' j% [( V
I was deeply in love
5 A# \0 r7 m3 g* {/ ~1 B+ FEverything from you is positive# |8 @6 s0 |* r4 A3 z, G9 \! H
You blame me everything and everyday
2 y& h& t3 B  O) y. B% Y' vAnd I think all girls sound like# @: Y# n( t- k2 B. g1 n+ _1 U
4 D6 l) q' Y( }4 V% V( F5 q! T% |
You could not stand my eating4 }  [5 l7 ~6 @. }/ p5 n$ C& z
Saying no good for making funny sound
, ]! J" n* t' Z; RI think you are perfectly right
5 ~, k' P' ], i* LEating with sound is a pig( Y0 S" W8 U) F; k$ j

9 O4 ^6 V, Y4 G1 Z+ hI fell in love with you
1 k# K  t4 o& Q$ s  W7 [+ A2 PBecome a fool to think2 n- s7 a1 J8 F. |/ p/ @
All trouble things you did% T7 [  U3 M2 x2 ]3 o0 \
And that is the price for love4 U/ Z5 Z( O7 i* E/ {

4 u+ @$ p/ P0 S4 s( syou are deeply in love1 R" I! f: s% }' G- D! s+ |  ?
Everything from me is negative/ R/ b+ \5 L) Z9 H; L. I
"My man should be like this,/ D" a; u3 z4 f7 E4 F- N
and I am helping you to improve'9 ^" P9 o! a; j( Q6 r1 Z4 b
2 u3 G: M9 h9 p+ W% L7 O
You are loving me
) u# s8 a' _. zor that one in your mind?
: z; q  n  }1 e. ~3 ?My mind is like a mud7 P- ]6 X" u- J% B0 q
can be shaped whatever you want
! N0 g8 ?( Y' _0 U
( p) o) \' X3 Y8 R+ e/ ?2 O& n" Iunfortunalety not my heart2 b" d4 C2 ]2 O
It is slashed by you
5 V% v5 o& O8 g. ^( L. kand I am seriously hurt
+ z) f, I; o# [+ X2 Y) a! B
: A5 Q5 {( P1 x. w2 D! C( TI will never love another
" U, ]+ ?% p, G; A( q  [6 C: |: pIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
; g: \; H' X! a& w; U8 w9 t- Bmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! w, {" B8 C: r$ O7 U, [, V) u3 p9 L( u
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!1 k8 \* ~, D4 B
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
' E8 }0 l9 D' n5 Q2 g7 Oi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.% G1 W, D3 a. T' `* U4 l+ u; B
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed4 R- u4 M; [# v. f' @( \# h" Y

) X; u0 F' ?1 v6 \; X% |4 awith the charm,
/ I# \4 {* j3 ]/ R0 {with the simles.) o' `+ `2 o: x$ ^
I fell in love with you ; x3 }; m/ _& Y5 a0 y4 t
In the first sign.
9 I+ q" g' X  q! [$ ZAs spotting sky at a summer 3 U0 k0 U* g. _4 R7 Y: V
  G) o" W; x; ]  B( a6 {7 ?5 \
Your lip is so soft
) R; h$ _- f! ~# H1 ithere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss( X0 j; S' D! c+ j% ?) M/ Y; r
Your body is so sexy
- e0 p$ W5 q- n8 a& mAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
! p& q; }# S$ M/ e3 C9 h1 p) C$ P
6 s; L, }. X6 R3 m/ w% O( HI am deeply in love
! _6 i0 K; |' i: FEverything from you is so charming% j% M7 @1 X  `. u# M
although You r so picky for me
& ^) O8 M% }1 zAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
' v9 i3 Z/ g9 H+ K1 s+ E, k& |But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
# L4 i- u/ L' g1 A/ c0 }; T  t0 l" ?( w% {
5 _( i2 m- t: ?, }3 p$ L
His hello is the end of her endings
/ D8 X7 d0 Z: N0 {0 i( f: Q$ JHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
9 c7 h) q( M+ `His hand would be hers to hold forever
, e6 K& k$ n# O- ^8 uHis forever is simply as her smile
- [% H% x0 M4 X4 }: W  u$ P3 u2 P4 uHe said she was what was missing
2 Q5 L) T: u: o" E2 lShe said instantly she knew2 U2 a4 B4 u1 Z2 ~' r
She was a question to be answered
5 y! [* d1 q" Z+ d0 wAnd his answer is & `0 o- P, \: h
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas3 M$ {: ~. m2 D- @$ Z/ Z8 L& B$ W
( o9 S6 e; O: Z, e( F! p
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
6 t/ {3 F0 ~$ Z' f: M; H+ a  n& o! R5 Y4 Y$ _- g" w" V
It's amazing how I felt ( c5 m9 g1 [$ B* Q1 U0 b4 |
when I was with you
; o. N; _& N1 p: e# t! G0 RMy heart beat so fast) F- I' ]+ J- x' E8 E
I looked at you and thought
& ?: i4 F3 m5 S1 lHoly Jesus, you were so cute- x% v# m. ~# h) X' X, t6 f5 e
- d) P, ^+ y" Y+ b" [" M0 z. \
You left me without a word
3 S0 \# E- `5 h; II have nothing except my emptiness% T0 p6 v" v- L! p/ _  g9 N' g
My mood is like a cloud0 X8 d9 o" F( {4 Z
How could it be dispersed?: k# b4 _7 B1 R0 U$ r8 V: i* r
, E9 c0 E: r& b! j) J
Feelings bite my heart 4 j' c6 n1 b; D7 }3 n# s3 P
You are the right one I wait8 h5 b7 |9 D- o& C% n3 W' P, f
In the depth of my soul( s/ O& J$ }) u1 E- B
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# n& V( I  g; [
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 |1 r# w9 s( K5 i3 \( W: a. X就和用中文写一次
- Y- e# o7 S8 [% Z2 w' i. N阿,我爱你! \- m9 v- ?- R# T/ N! s
你让我心跳好快
8 G" C% d( E0 Y5 J) {" o" ^你让我脸发热( Y  z0 _+ y) A1 d' U/ b! S! e
我爱上你的大嘴唇
) R( ?3 W' U+ K% o  G6 @0 k, x4 dXXXXX
9 `. K2 l7 c. u不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
7 a0 ]: d/ I0 [) t3 W3 \+ z& r$ m# H/ J/ E4 b% h8 s
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER- ~0 {$ o9 i4 F9 l+ X
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
5 o" n  z# n6 D* c/ Z闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美2 t, ^# @: d1 G5 h
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 r9 W5 P1 Y5 G0 f  _9 C就和用中文写一次9 p; g& u" {, g8 q
阿,我爱你4 H6 R! E7 V- d( {+ p" H) F0 E: P
你让我心跳好快
  s, W' F  n# `  E' ?" L你让我脸发热& e) {' v1 |  w# G
我爱上你的大嘴唇& x; x" \, Q. v3 k% e* N5 S
XXXXX8 P* C+ L  M# W3 d$ s( f
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

. {+ H' `9 x7 a+ E, l
+ g$ N9 K- d; n: V* b( v$ D1 _靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.0 F. k6 H: T3 k. @7 n' ~
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-3-23 03:10 , Processed in 0.139669 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表