我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
9 J+ U" c* R9 Z! E' I) J
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
# m/ B) l. Z* H7 d: J
2 H( V3 Z' j2 h0 rYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
+ |& W; I, F4 m7 L5 M$ TAs spotting sky at a summer night
/ n  d( G; {8 U( v' c0 DThey are shining stars
" F0 V  }. z% N7 E, _1 ^4 l6 ^
Your lip is so big
# _% @/ X/ ^" ]8 W" H  y( UAnd that’s good for a kiss
" ?+ b; I8 O% S. x7 }+ |Your body is chubby
3 }- i1 B( A, ~# y! q3 R# vAnd that is good for sex
: a1 h6 _$ R2 u5 C& e. T2 F% F
I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
3 k# {; w3 T" F/ z& z/ J! w; j& tYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
5 t5 D/ [+ U# `/ ]7 m6 v& Y
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
9 ~: Q$ b: Q- E0 I
I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
7 I; _  D4 s7 @, FAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
3 L7 Q: K$ @+ h8 x) pEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
5 V7 [0 i3 m# Q  \) _8 A) yand I am helping you to improve'

7 {# C5 f2 J) n5 {8 @. D0 X. t2 aYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
( D# X  E- P7 ^0 F' yIt is slashed by you
: b5 X2 r* N. w  Gand I am seriously hurt

# z, ]7 K& h8 ]4 GI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
' j1 b" _: ?) ~9 z. r% \my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
) B1 @4 [; ?- ?$ Z不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
& H8 x. U8 i8 q. W6 D/ h5 w0 lAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

% G/ q! r9 t: ~/ d# jwith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
- E0 v. z& O6 P3 ~+ H% V
; `. I" l. S3 r" l" a5 t- BYour lip is so soft
/ L8 R4 b9 v+ J5 ]2 V0 `5 N: a0 Bthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
+ f: N9 E- h! ^0 ]Your body is so sexy
; W/ P; D6 c. P2 NAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
! T, E% W" Y5 u1 R& E0 R; i2 }: ]% b
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
" x5 a" w! B7 o' K: j5 JAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
) e/ E7 I) r5 m7 @: h! E6 f
; i2 _2 l$ @6 n9 p9 D2 q+ t
; f- |$ u' b6 C% Q* A, }His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
/ a. p1 A$ _& cHis forever is simply as her smile
& ^# [2 w4 c3 a- OHe said she was what was missing
* ~2 e+ a' N$ Y2 l1 b& @She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
  C9 }7 I3 x1 V9 S* |And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

: ]# B) A1 w. a1 M; W$ l- |Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
6 a5 ^3 x! N7 _/ w# Y+ B; |* pwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
" S6 v! m) M/ ?  s  ~# A& ~Holy Jesus, you were so cute
  Y9 F6 m8 n2 O% \) c  o% D& \  m2 e
! {+ S/ r% G1 ]! MYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
! p% r  R6 Z, B' }0 @& qMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
; D) [2 {* `* _8 m# bYou are the right one I wait
. R$ }( I$ v4 [  w& a9 dIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 E/ Y) b! g: {/ p你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% t$ z/ v# l- O: _5 m就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
4 t  G5 u. N& V9 M你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 o4 l% k; S; C! cXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
$ m/ J! D# F# \( p' @6 G
" o9 v& g. v! W' s1 Z, H* b如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 m4 u2 d- ?7 o9 _) v9 P闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; B2 u, m5 ^: [( C+ w5 v% R( C就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
5 J( ]' |4 Q2 j, y& F你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ y4 S& ^4 g5 P$ BXXXXX
$ g! {0 h9 n" y/ O, m$ \$ [不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

7 n7 t0 H. m" S2 K" |+ U, g. Y" X- [靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
; K6 M1 A' Z& N& n

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。