埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5070|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love" i$ `' K# T4 {: W( I* T% I
$ D$ F. g& X/ K0 a' v  _
I fell in love with you % d& g0 d2 ?% S2 f
At the first week we met
/ E! k% k" R( j7 |4 m! y
, l# I! a/ s* l: XYou have charm, you have looks
, d2 p" {; p3 s" ~" B" ~# zwith full of pimples in face! T, a6 Y6 x0 W% T5 N8 b
As spotting sky at a summer night
: V6 a; k8 B+ m6 mThey are shining stars
  D& s2 E' ~' Y: V0 d! Z! @8 o# f2 A4 O
% q/ X8 h: Q/ }6 }, ~Your lip is so big
  S8 |5 [' [* V+ p& lAnd that’s good for a kiss
$ j/ z, O' O& o' L" DYour body is chubby
/ ?5 c" @" k! _$ [% l! i, M% E* |And that is good for sex
* l; c. I) _2 f" I! s# C" \3 W6 r4 |7 {' @- ~
I was deeply in love' i& e; {1 Q4 m% n: B
Everything from you is positive: o; d+ E1 v- S+ W# E
You blame me everything and everyday
2 E0 r3 |6 p7 c# k2 n5 rAnd I think all girls sound like4 t% B* x6 M9 d
# E0 P9 h/ i5 [' p' r$ b
You could not stand my eating
# }: }4 Q- ]$ R8 U/ ASaying no good for making funny sound
. Q6 a, F, L/ k  r6 M! zI think you are perfectly right, g  W" [" J, V$ H
Eating with sound is a pig
! d9 _" I* A1 S' h' D+ |5 J, u' C3 x0 r! {  w) A1 P1 T
I fell in love with you $ y! G3 i! L  S3 g/ S' H
Become a fool to think
4 \( z! E) ]) Z+ N; B& z/ |All trouble things you did
) ]0 C# f- z# \And that is the price for love
; ?# ^, ?8 T# _* y3 J( E3 |! `6 I3 D( H$ M/ k  {
you are deeply in love
% j- {7 W9 i7 f* {3 w1 [" y9 LEverything from me is negative
# i& X( [. d# ^. h' i& t2 g% ?' \$ Z"My man should be like this,- J( c/ f, P' r/ B
and I am helping you to improve'  f) B+ M' y! _

5 z+ M7 `; H( I# l2 I9 e- m9 {You are loving me # z! o. _& e( R9 C" U0 w7 G
or that one in your mind?4 U" e* F4 }2 a# J. B; J
My mind is like a mud4 P, k; T* f0 F
can be shaped whatever you want# z. x" k1 L) S2 ?

3 _) ?9 Q1 o2 [$ H8 R  Uunfortunalety not my heart
4 f% V( Y: z) M" G9 {* v$ HIt is slashed by you + x9 |! Z$ G% p& s# }4 t! {, f
and I am seriously hurt0 I% `: d0 l) _4 f; M
# n/ X1 Y6 F" h
I will never love another & A6 m, Y+ {# S" x: Q- w
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
/ Q! h' t# r: o, M: umy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

- p/ b1 f& G9 H7 M9 y( J5 w
$ ^& W4 r& B' c0 j咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
6 K; i. b3 `) N9 L" s* {不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
0 {" U% s4 |. p/ wi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
: ^# D- R& p) i2 q3 j, U8 XAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed3 _1 A: f) f; P' I" Y
  V# D+ B4 ~0 B  j* k! V4 E8 G7 W
with the charm,: I. E+ Y6 s8 l5 C  K- Y
with the simles.. e+ o/ O2 U; Q' H
I fell in love with you
9 G8 m- x. e& T0 [1 eIn the first sign.
; e; f) U: s9 v. C$ EAs spotting sky at a summer : _" ^$ Q* k" e' o  ?
, g9 y+ N, b, h
Your lip is so soft ' c% ]  u/ V7 n
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss9 M  x8 m+ Q" }* U/ T2 W
Your body is so sexy4 Z( e$ q( a  ^/ C% {& K/ W9 U
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.* j7 g. K. k& x. [  |& ?2 b" E
  f' ^- ?  k2 h5 B& u
I am deeply in love! \! t% C% ?: i+ Q5 \
Everything from you is so charming7 J7 m; R' k5 }( x" l2 j
although You r so picky for me
$ E* {4 W$ g) u' j3 lAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
4 W" w' ^1 v- KBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem  K3 Z: s( n% _4 |' ?

6 j/ {+ P0 f$ V; [1 o/ i# o1 X
$ H. `' ], s9 U' l3 H0 _9 VHis hello is the end of her endings6 [7 K' M; k+ F3 `9 r5 d
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle: {# }* n. H6 m
His hand would be hers to hold forever! I  V1 K" K8 ?6 L# Y! O$ m
His forever is simply as her smile
( R- e. u) T+ U/ g" O1 SHe said she was what was missing( X- _% d4 a! w- \
She said instantly she knew- w9 \2 `* \( }1 a5 P1 a8 F
She was a question to be answered, `* a9 L! b/ C6 j0 R3 [
And his answer is
7 `' {  J; m, T2 R7 h% \4 N  w$ c1 tI do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas* c8 b) b; r6 E4 s

! a7 K0 u5 ]+ I; V+ l6 z  Z4 FBelow is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
1 C7 z9 g7 ]6 E& S0 q1 o, ^# Y) D6 ?" K9 C, ]( S
It's amazing how I felt
+ ]- {% z7 e, U3 |when I was with you" y/ l4 E9 E+ R  K! f
My heart beat so fast0 S6 `" K" [+ Y' r* Q2 s( `% e
I looked at you and thought
+ V- w, T  P# @8 G" wHoly Jesus, you were so cute
: w# h# n; y4 L" G8 X# t- P, r; F+ o! ~, l+ d+ p- x
You left me without a word
/ c3 j( }' h2 {I have nothing except my emptiness+ s: l! G6 m* G/ I5 @
My mood is like a cloud
+ O) D; C2 G3 P; C% kHow could it be dispersed?
  m/ e6 Q8 E) L9 t) S2 g8 C* ^# W* S8 z- e& _, d0 H
Feelings bite my heart 3 F" ~) [. h9 t5 M  _+ P, S' j$ c" C
You are the right one I wait7 W: Z0 F7 O7 k. w, J2 N
In the depth of my soul
& a3 r3 E+ K$ Q" z# [# f5 `2 G$ ]I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, g) B0 K; w7 W3 h你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ X) O  a. d, Z就和用中文写一次
9 H" d- @3 M  w+ O+ s% g( a. g阿,我爱你
# E' S5 m7 I; }4 O1 w3 T/ s& z3 d- ~% F你让我心跳好快, n8 F, J, ?& n9 q0 ~
你让我脸发热- v% u' }* ~& h
我爱上你的大嘴唇
9 c1 k) H$ _, q5 ?  ~! v: TXXXXX0 n9 A! H0 m0 e2 [' [) V
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
0 I7 Z, k* @+ Y- R: T3 L8 E6 r# ~' a8 {& z
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
4 M+ G* X3 s$ r至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
大型搬家
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
. @) j% t& d3 e4 ~8 i* ^闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美& k# D! k% ^5 g3 p
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 p4 k. ]9 ]' N7 Z6 S
就和用中文写一次; w" o; z% S9 A  h* ?
阿,我爱你6 K4 N( d) w! @0 W
你让我心跳好快
) h/ }" j: a0 U5 e6 O你让我脸发热! J$ \" J( [3 Z( q: t2 r4 c
我爱上你的大嘴唇
. s: ]) M3 ]2 K7 T# L3 [XXXXX
" N+ ?( D# m; _2 E% Q4 K不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
3 v# S- T$ j) a2 }

# t5 g% M: y" S! E0 N8 n靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
" R' x# l2 v' g- N! w
大型搬家
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-2-23 20:05 , Processed in 0.273900 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表