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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love0 H- t4 h5 j( }. l7 P

2 w; P- b4 q, o+ W/ N" ~I fell in love with you 8 o% X% a# c# \" Z  r
At the first week we met6 ~+ s5 J0 T  ~/ f. T: O
! j6 e5 {  f: e) L0 N
You have charm, you have looks
5 W. n' Q3 c. A! N- e2 N% Ywith full of pimples in face
( N# g7 O% |1 f1 W( y* ZAs spotting sky at a summer night4 x0 _. H  Q( b3 A
They are shining stars& B1 M# Q! D7 R/ G
! H) ~1 `7 m3 ^$ d  ^0 x+ w- s; Q9 o
Your lip is so big2 y( R3 B0 {2 M0 G& c( H& ]9 {) _7 n
And that’s good for a kiss
5 M5 T0 K! G# N' EYour body is chubby/ [2 [( c% ~; ]
And that is good for sex
' a$ ^/ p( Q8 t) p! i/ L, u5 e+ ^, j' v
I was deeply in love- D: T2 M& V7 C/ Y
Everything from you is positive" Y2 n/ @3 d7 M& y' [( R
You blame me everything and everyday
$ s' S% b- E; ?0 aAnd I think all girls sound like0 h$ q% a& B4 ?' N" G- ]5 `
/ S0 B* P; J9 [/ t! X2 K8 L
You could not stand my eating
8 ^% R  [6 j2 f" \" h0 rSaying no good for making funny sound% Q4 J: j2 R" z+ C- t
I think you are perfectly right/ M' A) B! e9 l5 W( P3 t& z0 M! D& o0 I
Eating with sound is a pig9 ~0 M0 C4 ?) y) Q, ?" X

; [' ^2 P7 W5 D( k; n  XI fell in love with you
. u% @) U5 A7 ?$ i9 w3 QBecome a fool to think
3 \# X' {- O; {: U# V, QAll trouble things you did8 ^6 s8 I# W, l* W" i
And that is the price for love# q) C$ W, S8 O7 c; k, B- R
. D7 b5 }; Q( W' F5 ?
you are deeply in love
$ w) H9 h! f3 J4 n0 R9 PEverything from me is negative
  G+ l! {( M: b3 }" C"My man should be like this,
- @5 J" L' m$ L4 E( ^% }' kand I am helping you to improve'
3 A. g6 t! e9 ]$ ?! x
/ M) D) F5 I8 c) hYou are loving me
* m5 U; _8 k7 t2 ^or that one in your mind?" h# W! e8 ~& s
My mind is like a mud' A. U+ L7 V; ~! V: t2 S
can be shaped whatever you want
. |8 @2 o; f3 L3 J, b) `3 I* R
9 Y! {: Q( z6 x/ w5 u/ Z4 J0 H( punfortunalety not my heart
2 v" i% r9 R& o' G4 t1 g% _It is slashed by you
2 M/ r2 G5 Z1 w' B  l  }* rand I am seriously hurt% @1 g' Y9 a: Y* n2 ~/ w$ y

5 O( u1 M. o, _I will never love another
8 {2 Y: w, ?+ w6 E% L5 NIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 * |6 e+ G9 \  [& Y6 Q% Y' I
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

0 b2 x% A# i3 q# P3 w1 U7 y  H4 Q: I
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
+ Y4 L' Y! _3 Z% l: i7 v$ g不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
. ?# J' ]9 R, b* H: ^i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.- Z2 H& ^+ c) S& j
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed! j- t2 D7 h$ ?# z9 n
/ K% k, @* q8 w7 g3 @3 b; M3 E
with the charm,) U! |2 Y" }) O2 Z. [' v
with the simles.
- B# B6 S5 k+ a: x. i0 W8 UI fell in love with you 8 J' R, k% V" Z# P9 Y" C
In the first sign.  ^1 x# w2 g5 C: p
As spotting sky at a summer 0 E' h9 O: L6 g; i4 K' l

6 y1 c6 x9 D0 ?Your lip is so soft
# j! u2 k/ F, P: w- |8 Lthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
  R+ t9 R9 o9 ]Your body is so sexy
  ?; q: Q$ m( Z" W" E9 IAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
) x. Q" u2 ]. x: b- w; R9 |0 l' q. E2 j. Z7 W/ P& u  e9 ^8 H9 c
I am deeply in love5 M8 r  G8 u9 Y& V6 B+ X; M) t4 K
Everything from you is so charming
9 {* i6 A2 c- M+ Walthough You r so picky for me
3 o. W' M' Z9 G, P. mAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.: a) S/ @* k7 x) `
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem1 @$ Y4 V4 W1 z8 T

5 Y& T: F; T% i+ ?8 O4 s: z, D- T( t1 k+ m( v, \/ Z/ X; Y
His hello is the end of her endings
+ V+ B( d1 o" p4 Z1 W2 R1 I; w. `Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
. U* n, K9 K, R4 G# v: |His hand would be hers to hold forever
8 d0 V2 x) v8 D7 `/ D+ c/ R9 AHis forever is simply as her smile
1 z( h/ U- j2 N( f4 f" v: RHe said she was what was missing
7 @) |8 @" w& _. W( f- `# w& {She said instantly she knew, u  P) Z$ t( u! L* C" H; ~8 C
She was a question to be answered4 w' m  r  l. M
And his answer is , W, A) A5 K) `2 o  G4 k
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
( S- U& i0 H! L  r! |/ K" O5 v; D  J* C) J
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt7 v! h- T* {: D6 I6 {
: ?) w3 C" A# q: o  p. r
It's amazing how I felt
: {/ P! X. Y( k* K+ }/ p, Rwhen I was with you; L2 r1 U9 e" y1 m
My heart beat so fast
2 u3 P" s" n' p5 b- EI looked at you and thought
/ s4 M% x4 L* `( t# QHoly Jesus, you were so cute
6 r! g% N0 v1 B. ?+ f" `# ?5 t2 z' K' N
You left me without a word5 ]3 ~# O9 t2 n. u5 N8 g
I have nothing except my emptiness
/ h3 @3 t7 e1 ~# Z6 I0 e8 Y( ~My mood is like a cloud
/ E, g' @4 [* u8 A' THow could it be dispersed?
* L* c$ S  X! \; E: r
) f5 L  z. R3 wFeelings bite my heart 3 k5 S6 z4 I; o7 {8 m  i' N, q" c
You are the right one I wait
" k. y3 d% G6 {( E  A6 S3 W3 d7 GIn the depth of my soul
3 Q' |% x2 a( c0 Q5 @: o" u2 g2 bI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美& _, [/ X; [3 A6 e
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
' Z8 @. \" h9 h8 K+ g" D就和用中文写一次3 y, \! Z* I7 w7 z3 `/ n
阿,我爱你
: D8 p& |/ q8 @& y" K  _3 s  f/ v你让我心跳好快
! x9 [% M3 s2 S9 f" ^' t% J$ K你让我脸发热9 I/ e  R8 e# B$ Y$ Y
我爱上你的大嘴唇
9 Z3 l9 n1 l! IXXXXX
6 B0 r; q4 f( a% k! M/ d) s1 @不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?( `; \6 @" u# X8 r2 s3 r" t
$ l+ w' X6 T, R8 Q, N
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER6 z% q- S1 C: u1 z  t- O# s; ^5 i
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 4 Z9 c" ?' p1 A3 @6 J
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美) @% a  K8 R! h1 w9 X& V" F5 b8 b
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道  r) E5 `1 x1 K3 |
就和用中文写一次
7 o, x/ F# w- a9 L6 t6 y& x4 v阿,我爱你2 ?4 Y' W7 H5 s3 W5 m
你让我心跳好快
) y5 _1 J# o' G4 F! o6 F你让我脸发热1 V" o1 _$ I* ?' f; }
我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 f; L4 _" t: dXXXXX
2 J* C& G5 I- o! [9 q  |不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
( y0 n8 O7 x. q6 M& ^* O/ j0 i0 l

' R' T; [* a1 k" p2 G靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.% {+ n' d' J. U3 @# c7 G# n7 M9 M) f) m( r) d
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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