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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love* T. D: w6 x+ t! B6 C; f: ]$ a9 H
+ U) M. z  H+ l! F
I fell in love with you 7 T7 k9 \+ \2 o" I& z5 A* V7 o
At the first week we met
% o) M( e5 C3 d# F% |* r2 f8 T! m# r' G3 O/ a$ ?/ b
You have charm, you have looks2 _" D& ]; t3 |; F6 V/ o
with full of pimples in face# S! t7 B1 q- V! J( ^% @# v
As spotting sky at a summer night
" g% e7 G, E1 h6 ]/ jThey are shining stars
9 d+ d& P( }0 |: T. F9 y
* m1 [+ ]! H4 L: x6 G0 `Your lip is so big
' z7 T2 [: l( Z$ A) r( NAnd that’s good for a kiss
1 O7 L& K$ ?: B4 ~Your body is chubby
3 s, L$ C9 `' T" Z& E% mAnd that is good for sex/ [( |( O  c4 l+ _
  C% q  m' v7 [8 ^
I was deeply in love* V: T8 E5 c1 ?2 l$ d
Everything from you is positive
( B2 ]$ j& Y) G- E+ ?0 RYou blame me everything and everyday
6 a9 I' O& c$ F3 j$ u: XAnd I think all girls sound like$ E; a* j( }3 I$ w& x8 T6 N' G/ M  o
7 z( H, x9 ]2 ]$ ?8 m
You could not stand my eating
9 t8 X- ?6 _6 `3 H  t  kSaying no good for making funny sound
5 Z# q3 _$ \+ j# K8 PI think you are perfectly right
  v+ W) B- R1 o* q+ CEating with sound is a pig
# h: d4 q& \( S/ g. v3 P, A
3 L% P+ N( j& |% Z. Y2 dI fell in love with you
# A% s4 D2 l% ~  VBecome a fool to think
+ U0 T: A/ V- ~  F3 aAll trouble things you did& S% W. O( r5 A, N+ Q
And that is the price for love  T  z, c5 g1 U6 o6 `' l; }7 M

. f3 O/ {  `! ~: N$ oyou are deeply in love- X$ `" [. R  S" ], K: e, @
Everything from me is negative
7 s' h' t8 y0 G! ?"My man should be like this,) x  T; f4 O3 |6 l
and I am helping you to improve'. q9 A* T4 K& p) @7 W

6 H# a( x' b+ v3 t  U8 O& l- rYou are loving me
; x# [9 H2 ^' p3 E( Nor that one in your mind?- B$ U/ J; f3 P# _: A: k2 s; |" A
My mind is like a mud
* v) Q4 A  I' H; P6 {, v) jcan be shaped whatever you want/ s8 I- G4 d; `4 n4 J
3 |' Q. E, K6 |% D1 M
unfortunalety not my heart2 ^6 V0 O8 [1 n- N- \
It is slashed by you , {9 g( u0 U  P4 N$ D6 E
and I am seriously hurt
3 E% u5 E9 |  l- A6 e. W
' C: P) `3 E5 S" x3 L. X8 i9 CI will never love another # Y) @( ~# G/ r7 m
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 : @2 C( ]0 \+ N$ J9 O  t
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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2 R6 e: l1 s. |4 |2 b. O
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!. f. |# Q1 M4 O1 _) `
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 6 V4 z) A! p6 t: E# F$ `: {$ ?. x
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.6 e# W: F" w, g; E5 z
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
- @0 c/ q5 [$ ~, i. r/ e  d! R' h+ n
with the charm,
$ r$ t5 e) ~, v! |" r) x5 Uwith the simles.# Y$ T2 `' e1 K) }
I fell in love with you
- X5 D: E  v5 v; U* e/ S( C( f4 NIn the first sign.3 z# M! d' K9 c: i9 g# \* ?, t# T
As spotting sky at a summer
1 k# m( Y( h" O! G$ D" l
. B8 C' I% `) `* N9 QYour lip is so soft 1 f7 L0 K9 _7 C: R
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss' j" D  Q0 A# }5 P2 G) x5 @3 T
Your body is so sexy
0 U/ ]# l5 z( k; b9 K1 F* e) [, MAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 R/ B. @) n: S0 ^% r4 {0 L5 z# h8 X. P) C' j6 P
I am deeply in love
) E4 t2 c+ @9 E3 e0 E$ FEverything from you is so charming8 O% }3 d. D$ ?7 D; p: E1 s0 \
although You r so picky for me
9 G0 Y) a, E$ h! I( h  z4 p* z* BAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.$ I/ ]( S0 c  A+ U) o4 E  {4 A
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
# i+ M0 b- L$ o( N6 ?- I% j' ?& j( }
- s% K6 y$ o! Y1 T3 j
His hello is the end of her endings
  K6 |" B3 }9 u' N) hHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle: l- x2 C" }6 O4 t8 T
His hand would be hers to hold forever
# z: W* N9 f) b, ^* v- DHis forever is simply as her smile
2 I/ P+ [. U/ _1 OHe said she was what was missing+ K+ C/ j* R8 x! n  h% o. [
She said instantly she knew1 T) }$ n* b% [" |* |
She was a question to be answered$ z; N, f; O3 p& U; o; {
And his answer is # p1 c' i. z4 R6 V' y
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas% i7 \) c( J  c& |. B  m
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt2 f( N4 i; T6 G
* O4 s5 W3 M! r
It's amazing how I felt 8 R) [4 y7 Q5 O5 t1 ~
when I was with you9 _2 K" \' Y5 v5 x" |- y
My heart beat so fast
2 S) i8 z2 ~: l5 I, O) u8 }I looked at you and thought
+ {' t8 f/ e" f5 S6 K/ J8 QHoly Jesus, you were so cute
7 `3 V: P0 h) \: n: I
) k( L8 A" F1 J" k( a$ DYou left me without a word
' B2 L" ~+ r  u! pI have nothing except my emptiness9 A+ ^) Z1 p4 J
My mood is like a cloud$ ^) I4 ~- n3 y2 ]0 l6 g
How could it be dispersed?
( ~9 B) K: `0 b0 c: a4 A! A  ]# Z8 z( ]4 s# j9 `
Feelings bite my heart ) y- b/ q: L7 U' `& ?. T# a% b$ ^- `
You are the right one I wait0 o, }5 w- a8 i) o$ n% u
In the depth of my soul! x" x/ M8 Y) q' W; l6 z
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美( D4 G1 Q0 }# p# K
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道. J/ p  M+ N( x# W
就和用中文写一次
1 J7 K$ {4 |/ r  o  ^阿,我爱你+ K% g/ l+ `4 s/ b
你让我心跳好快
4 d) P) d( \# R1 Z' \8 ?6 S你让我脸发热, m6 B% A! j% l8 f8 \, n7 E
我爱上你的大嘴唇' L4 @" M; D& {, N5 [
XXXXX! ?" X9 G6 e# I. [: C
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?' J* G+ M) ^+ K- U6 U: K- K

& N. J7 M+ z/ ?( ^& h5 p如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER* A  D$ K( L' b) R
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 % @8 C9 o# M! {; a3 O
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
% n! Y4 G# }6 a6 s6 I你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道# f, K! A* h& J) R
就和用中文写一次- g7 u1 N5 z4 F
阿,我爱你
* G5 g1 b# U  h! a( h你让我心跳好快
; p% J! v5 y3 e8 z7 E. f你让我脸发热% x7 }* z! z$ B! R7 }7 _
我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ F* |4 P  ^% y3 d/ |* V. A9 JXXXXX/ O7 n; _' g' s+ H0 P. ~) I
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

" r: u3 J) K7 B1 o; n5 u: B3 {. O& N1 P2 q' z( ^
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.9 C4 |5 U* d* ^2 w. l$ J
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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