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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
$ Q! A+ A2 h6 x5 U/ p3 p: J0 @6 d0 @5 }
I fell in love with you
' C; x1 ?, t, ?% D2 h% {: A. ZAt the first week we met
3 @8 [5 x$ V' I9 J
8 Z( @5 O, V& J$ s. e+ cYou have charm, you have looks
, L! D- M: n# @0 M. ?- }with full of pimples in face
+ d% U0 Y6 x: V9 F8 k7 LAs spotting sky at a summer night( z( F$ S: A! v% g) t) m/ e
They are shining stars# I, a$ v( _9 d8 J
/ P7 s: V5 _. [8 J& N% i/ r
Your lip is so big4 x: B! [5 g! p, e
And that’s good for a kiss
  P0 S6 N# X+ m# F# S/ R5 dYour body is chubby) Z" W9 Y* P5 {9 S0 `) M( q
And that is good for sex  O* U; a/ s" \# }! Q: z5 y

9 e8 S! d$ H7 P4 sI was deeply in love1 i6 {+ [2 V& Y# {" h
Everything from you is positive8 a" t2 f- @; L1 _; D2 `2 f. [2 h$ |
You blame me everything and everyday
6 W2 w0 u; ?0 u7 y' ^And I think all girls sound like
7 ?- @0 q, n9 p' {0 [3 B' V8 ]
0 x0 @) L( `, C* s2 L" R( OYou could not stand my eating+ \+ t# V, X, G, [. a
Saying no good for making funny sound$ `5 Y0 U. Y2 f8 r
I think you are perfectly right- n0 V7 o* ?" Q' M$ ~9 V
Eating with sound is a pig
4 O2 ]6 i0 j+ K, t& H
( b: o/ p8 R% v8 T3 MI fell in love with you
9 R; E5 j' `3 M3 i* IBecome a fool to think0 E' {6 K! t  B$ `4 w( ]
All trouble things you did- M% X1 G2 q6 {4 _" i; b9 b. l
And that is the price for love( J0 I. c+ F* L: D

) P6 [! e& c; ayou are deeply in love
! b8 A8 q! D& V9 Z  qEverything from me is negative
4 G: B. D0 G6 p' q"My man should be like this,, a: M$ x+ j  G4 J
and I am helping you to improve'* E4 _! K* l4 `/ m% C9 E
1 K# Z2 d, N9 }4 a0 ?. [. Q2 s
You are loving me , e6 M& T; x; Q9 p; U
or that one in your mind?
/ J* |  A5 ^4 V9 }' F; jMy mind is like a mud) a/ X! j7 O$ \1 y( W; ~
can be shaped whatever you want4 ?7 o3 l7 I  Q  A% o

4 y$ M  l( W( ^  x$ N$ eunfortunalety not my heart+ M6 j8 B, I8 q4 D+ f
It is slashed by you
+ O& Q! u9 I# F, V/ Wand I am seriously hurt6 g- X1 a5 W: f0 T2 D1 E& @

! s$ o9 T! y1 m9 oI will never love another - x* s) F: v+ t: f, o
If my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 2 i" I3 z5 v( W  b0 `0 j
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
' T3 A0 o4 u1 Q% t7 Q4 G2 C0 |

9 t1 y( m7 H! B咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!0 j$ ]( w& H; ^4 i, T2 r
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, / t- \7 G" C2 V* ]/ b
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.5 H3 C6 D) g; i5 w9 t( {0 O* E7 g
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed/ x" C0 C# m& q9 B4 g0 S
6 `! Y2 V6 D) x0 Q7 s. b. Y
with the charm,
8 [7 [' R, ^7 x% I* v) dwith the simles.
) p; T4 q  Z: D0 dI fell in love with you ; ^9 |2 k& f8 H/ r- W( u
In the first sign.
0 {" }: L) v( I8 @; CAs spotting sky at a summer
' F8 l9 A* D" {& C, h5 ]$ w2 {) n6 d' Q8 P
Your lip is so soft + d1 |3 Y/ G6 X( K, F% D# ?
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss  z0 b, b# e. r9 a
Your body is so sexy
, l* J" t0 S, NAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.* P$ a6 S* B: P# v* C% A1 B3 g
2 M6 a( u& O% I! F% l# }
I am deeply in love/ S. s  Z0 d( ^( f4 X! q& L: {) {
Everything from you is so charming! p% V! u& \+ e+ j5 h1 X- f
although You r so picky for me $ F0 R0 P7 s8 H0 o
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.- y, {' J1 @/ Z5 k2 \; \3 e
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem/ y! ?4 n0 g4 H1 @+ m* N
# ^& Q& j6 N. \, J8 R
9 n  e2 k2 w, a0 d  j9 q
His hello is the end of her endings( C1 D5 V3 v1 `$ w
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle1 L$ M7 W+ c' J( Y9 ]
His hand would be hers to hold forever
5 ~  l% `; i8 W& \/ m% {" E1 v# H3 e3 xHis forever is simply as her smile
( ]' i( N* L, @He said she was what was missing0 R5 p7 t0 ~, v( n' m) C4 F
She said instantly she knew
( _9 W; S: b4 Q* d( wShe was a question to be answered
% U1 ]- R- m5 i, \$ B, X- K7 b- q- ^And his answer is
/ B9 F- A$ w# [8 w4 F) Q" `4 D4 RI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas; T2 y+ h6 V/ ?( R& u

4 n  [" s% |9 B, o: [! V7 W1 [Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt5 l7 W& h' x+ C, a

) O3 a$ e+ l- h" N: k* Z$ dIt's amazing how I felt
) F% a9 T4 a( O/ ?4 Ewhen I was with you# B' s! W6 Y& ]$ F8 k9 H
My heart beat so fast
7 z& }' b" Z4 `  h7 e+ a2 m$ GI looked at you and thought
- q7 i# @: C% v' u! F# KHoly Jesus, you were so cute# a5 B# W5 I: \, K
- k4 X; P. ?2 G1 t
You left me without a word
' W, n1 Y0 T$ K; N! \9 |3 z. kI have nothing except my emptiness
; ~0 i+ _1 D: V4 ?" r( `  CMy mood is like a cloud
9 E* v/ G8 Y" v' R* tHow could it be dispersed?$ p4 g6 M+ L( n  ]6 {

6 U0 t; B5 }; ]$ u5 ^Feelings bite my heart 8 J2 G1 s& `$ s' J' X' g$ A8 E
You are the right one I wait
2 n/ q. u  B' y% w. L; P. S& R, K, FIn the depth of my soul
8 H5 X/ V& W/ a9 qI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美3 w' a2 W) W; ?$ j" ^( ~/ n' l
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道' L2 n1 v) b: c! t
就和用中文写一次
) S; g* x7 v1 Q9 V+ R阿,我爱你
7 P. F9 {/ n; V; t2 l你让我心跳好快# U1 o! w! [1 O- s# X6 E
你让我脸发热+ l: l* Z& R: n
我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 D; E% b+ N' d  z& b3 Z' bXXXXX  N+ p. o6 u3 C2 P' ~0 P
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
! y$ a0 d  a% f6 ?0 c/ B
4 c, D; t- ~5 B2 s如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
- f6 B6 X1 F* ?) J4 }3 \6 \至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 0 r# ~( P+ x4 j# ^7 `: G1 y7 x
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 r. O" M, ]; `4 e% `3 G, y# {你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% e' r/ ?  v) }! {/ P* f7 r  r) d
就和用中文写一次
2 p6 p- r' x0 T' ]6 @  T阿,我爱你
9 \* }# @# z3 w; P3 F你让我心跳好快& f  h2 F) z8 h) s* @: X
你让我脸发热
8 _% H% k+ I$ i我爱上你的大嘴唇! \9 P/ n. V7 F
XXXXX
  c4 j! T# x. U5 D不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

6 g3 e, X' C: L: |. r1 i4 J+ Y" \4 F0 y, f8 H
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
) T. F5 W6 x6 _
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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