我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
6 a0 b% T  r6 v1 C- @  L# @
I fell in love with you
3 ^$ @9 Y* O" _) G, Q8 _' SAt the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
- u7 P& }1 R5 W9 Y$ q% g# I* }5 x5 _with full of pimples in face
2 H8 `* P( F. yAs spotting sky at a summer night
& F# Y6 M: S. X, [) n5 kThey are shining stars
7 S. v& v' S4 m( \6 x) V- u/ s: W
Your lip is so big
' Z4 S0 S4 J' v  ^And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
4 \  D) n$ e/ T) h9 ^0 G$ EYou blame me everything and everyday
) M" ]7 P$ h1 g5 @And I think all girls sound like

9 ?8 M( E2 G* Y9 X, nYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
# |6 g. r) e+ ~  [5 }7 H, oI think you are perfectly right
  i. t" P5 I! w  DEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
1 A1 |3 l  V# aBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
# w2 d: G/ w* n( a) JAnd that is the price for love
$ i0 A3 P  }+ f8 b
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

* C6 F% c8 y# s4 jYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
* w: h- R- V: I  B" Z$ {" A' Acan be shaped whatever you want

, |7 x" ~5 f& G2 R( T) _unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
: ?% l6 H6 e& e7 UIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
0 d* c5 }: O/ L# b% f1 t) j+ Omy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
* Y) Y% I8 n; t3 a) v+ `不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

: K' }) v( F) }8 z# G* gwith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
3 @) ]. [3 T5 T% n: m( jAs spotting sky at a summer
( w5 c) l5 z# Q! O
3 i4 x& Q& f4 @/ P5 \$ XYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
0 K. i; m0 C6 p" P1 x% g# H. EAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

" x1 K1 [2 G% U7 R, UI am deeply in love
: l: V8 u' h5 ^  E7 b. B* J! lEverything from you is so charming
, e# _. }5 G& z1 w& palthough You r so picky for me
  j/ i4 a- A" s) A5 L5 PAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
3 M, A5 N/ J0 ^  d+ H3 i

, Z5 }% v, p7 r! w4 I8 _! N' _His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
  s  V* k& U0 z6 zHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
. f( A" H# j0 O7 PHe said she was what was missing
/ H2 b& p: v6 Y" oShe said instantly she knew
& {; y% K9 Z$ UShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
: \' x) E2 B7 W8 B- t# II do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

( }. \& q6 ^" V! UBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

3 n7 ]5 c+ \8 n, I  I  J% c! ~4 dIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
& R! o6 \* T& Y- i6 P" M& p- v' vHoly Jesus, you were so cute
9 V$ h) {; l& b+ Y) O' Z
7 Z, Y4 e. E7 I; g6 `0 C8 }You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
8 O0 [/ Y! Y% ^: ~, T+ jMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
6 Z( h- t/ k) b3 [* n
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
* Q/ e' l6 ?5 y& V: v你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
: h/ }4 I7 O" |- I! B& e- x
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
. [* S6 k' Q. R5 L( i9 `) x就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
: P& t2 E- {( C$ W" u你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 g3 X+ y0 Y5 D. qXXXXX
0 z  v* T+ I+ n0 B不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

0 b0 e+ _9 D" z  ~/ w# w6 U% K靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
5 [# X! z+ [6 M% v+ _2 R

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。