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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
+ T6 f# |5 A5 _( ]: u: z+ u/ V8 Y& x) }% h
I fell in love with you
" a8 n- j# h  @( ], Q: jAt the first week we met0 B. U0 A/ H4 Z$ l
, ~4 q' A: I# s+ ^
You have charm, you have looks1 |9 h% Q8 d. Z  J( R
with full of pimples in face; o4 p7 B! ?, l& o; d# l
As spotting sky at a summer night
6 |; V8 ]: f% M, {. l  b! ?They are shining stars- q1 S+ v" Y, I7 @- }  y( A; j

5 X% c- p5 Q% Y, Q; g  k. T3 |Your lip is so big2 _& @; c5 ?0 p! I$ z
And that’s good for a kiss
9 h, D5 {/ `5 NYour body is chubby
( w. ^" {7 d8 Z- S  y# UAnd that is good for sex
1 y4 K1 E8 E( `- P3 a  w8 y* L& `- d) [2 H( w+ O- c( m
I was deeply in love
! A3 N( m# b* X( N& k9 x8 D+ yEverything from you is positive
, D" _/ d! W1 {% L1 |, AYou blame me everything and everyday8 z2 o- v# J; A/ d( ^$ c6 ]
And I think all girls sound like
0 J: ]- l0 L4 J' {( H% i; s( W/ K, F  y3 Q; P3 v
You could not stand my eating) ~5 l! ?, s3 v) ~1 s2 J
Saying no good for making funny sound
; O, x9 Q# u" i0 J& B! tI think you are perfectly right
. R6 i( V# s. B' V4 l; p1 V4 AEating with sound is a pig: W# l, Y) x# e/ P
' h1 l. Q5 u" k; ]" K- x1 t
I fell in love with you 8 g/ ^: Z2 J: a0 L
Become a fool to think
- q6 {" h2 S& R% M8 FAll trouble things you did) ~' j  H0 p5 `* {
And that is the price for love
7 ?( n( a3 S- a7 R7 h  k6 N1 D
, J& K& U8 U' y& g+ z, ryou are deeply in love: }# w& g0 f) Q! z2 v( d/ G
Everything from me is negative4 M% S% m5 a. d9 @9 m  r7 |
"My man should be like this,
( L: i# E) y; H( T  H) O) {& Sand I am helping you to improve'9 S4 X0 O+ c! S2 o+ v" c8 I

( J7 e% b2 ?6 p; O0 CYou are loving me
7 z0 x1 D5 R/ ~7 I" Nor that one in your mind?  b% t* d+ E* I- C$ t7 E! ^+ u+ U9 N. q. H
My mind is like a mud
. E: b$ @7 K  U% a% Bcan be shaped whatever you want
( N) r/ e% B- }0 i
2 a* D: H9 O' A3 u1 \- w9 ?1 [unfortunalety not my heart
& T' Y0 |% j) V* ^/ `; a7 ?% {# yIt is slashed by you   B3 k( W7 P/ i$ z
and I am seriously hurt/ z0 ?! P' Z+ a0 q$ F
  r! Z0 q1 j3 V) ?# K* k& s
I will never love another 5 W% G4 }# M% j3 E2 I
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
' a8 k: j) t. smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 N3 M6 u. B2 v0 f9 e7 |2 e* O+ O# R* z: D
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
# x. @  n6 M+ l& N$ D( b( n6 i不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
+ {% {0 D! N: c# I$ X; H5 Z+ Hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
6 M1 ]' f. C/ ~) ]) v7 `$ t# H2 tAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 L2 d3 g; r+ [. K4 n& R7 g" }7 b3 T
" ^8 ~" Y, @6 l1 t' r) twith the charm,: b" h! k, j* l8 X2 j, o0 Y9 N9 i
with the simles.' k2 S+ _3 j8 q2 E6 E
I fell in love with you
8 e2 J! v6 i; j4 P  x1 m4 JIn the first sign.
1 _, H, @6 K8 k: ?* L) ~) R* ]As spotting sky at a summer
. t1 U7 J& ]/ F2 o1 }+ W" M( }( q7 r6 ~( g5 n: o
Your lip is so soft $ R7 ~1 P/ y- j8 y
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
6 x  B8 C2 z; R( X  z% m1 X: f  tYour body is so sexy' z+ F& \7 O; A0 V5 a& |" X
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
% U5 p, D6 e) Y$ b% q% e
; F9 y' L' v4 K! b6 s8 ^I am deeply in love" z0 B4 e+ O4 _/ S! O
Everything from you is so charming
6 r& v7 K9 L% P" b. L8 ^although You r so picky for me ( `; M1 Q2 V" Z6 ]5 }" }8 U; ?1 [
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2." s& E5 {! Y1 n% J
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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: o; J2 r9 n$ k' N) K. |7 ]His hello is the end of her endings, t! z8 v1 s/ H" H
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
2 I  V# u4 c  NHis hand would be hers to hold forever
# i; j. d* C6 t* fHis forever is simply as her smile & V! [" z( _8 q
He said she was what was missing+ }$ I7 x( v. m. X2 l
She said instantly she knew) k- `7 k: A* |9 Y5 U
She was a question to be answered! _* m# R3 x/ U; v' v) h/ F
And his answer is ( I  o: L2 O# ]9 }
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas' w) R+ U% A1 B: a) \3 [
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
4 Z+ r, f4 J2 Q' K& B/ `
2 K. b, s( ^9 O3 ^' g+ M( T! JIt's amazing how I felt
. T3 j4 }, i, a4 m0 V/ zwhen I was with you
3 e9 Q. r# h5 V4 p' hMy heart beat so fast/ ~0 g; P/ _# {: d1 H5 t
I looked at you and thought
& D+ v# P% h, P- X" |Holy Jesus, you were so cute
" Z* U6 M( a- O. Y$ a' a4 P; n$ Q; _0 j7 z8 J2 J) x9 F1 s. z
You left me without a word
( }3 z( X& l- }  u1 DI have nothing except my emptiness
1 w& _; u$ J, m  z2 C& ^+ m- }; D$ _My mood is like a cloud
, {9 x# K" x/ W- e) j4 U3 X8 WHow could it be dispersed?; V2 D# W5 p- N" y$ b5 ?! R- a) m

: f& A! J( J5 s& EFeelings bite my heart
0 u) b; L- [: Y9 k( o0 x3 p/ n. t" CYou are the right one I wait
, _' E1 w% e+ z0 M, ^In the depth of my soul; X* b, F  j  \9 a' T. V& k5 v
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. T) g9 u4 {5 H8 N4 Q
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道. B) h+ I: @6 ]- @* s2 W
就和用中文写一次
  P( n- k' q5 ^# x) d3 ?, E% |$ f阿,我爱你
7 a8 m+ Z$ f- y" `5 `9 v你让我心跳好快
2 l' ~3 Y3 r( a  F0 a% w  H你让我脸发热9 q! H9 F2 Z. U
我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 n% ^! e: o+ [2 J  mXXXXX
3 `8 l! d& v, D, `5 w5 _3 z不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?: g) {3 l) E& S/ ]; x
: [! U6 @7 F! F% |& k% ^$ C$ H
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER- d7 g) s0 p7 |2 W9 V  C
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
1 a9 Z  E. i" C$ `/ ]9 I8 O: [0 h闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 P6 N) n& K8 Y4 p# ~你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
$ _3 v) f  }/ E* i就和用中文写一次& }2 ?4 r' ^1 ?7 _% _( r
阿,我爱你
' Z; m% c5 h3 E你让我心跳好快
6 P: m( C! r7 ^4 A4 e: n你让我脸发热
- T# u! S" o# f$ l2 B1 o0 M! |我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ Z9 ~9 X; z* q" Q( G# d* K5 d8 tXXXXX+ k3 d% i! Z" K" H
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
' l1 h" `3 E0 w

; p5 a" V! }9 b! B+ F/ R靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.  W* Q+ [: U! f% g! \
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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