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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
7 P7 W: T1 [- X8 \% u: B' X- K7 ]7 X8 M7 z# B
I fell in love with you
' T$ A2 F: I$ M9 o' M6 h3 F+ ]" kAt the first week we met
6 B9 d& m! q* g+ l& n+ R( ]
# l, ^3 Q( F$ s; z9 X, lYou have charm, you have looks
) x: E& ]7 g1 @: `, g6 Twith full of pimples in face
( a/ W8 U" f  iAs spotting sky at a summer night- x6 \0 q( s' n0 X9 K
They are shining stars  c, m" d# w+ o/ A+ q3 [9 z$ Z3 _

; V. b2 G/ K' ?1 `7 H, M% ^5 G! MYour lip is so big
& O1 i7 L4 ~8 k. y6 uAnd that’s good for a kiss
- {% r3 _1 K2 H4 o' dYour body is chubby* @4 l3 e/ a. ~8 ?. C* k  I- n
And that is good for sex7 `% V4 S' K3 q4 Y: L
7 E3 n* x  o+ p( T: M9 ^+ \
I was deeply in love
+ k5 x# H- f, z% d* \" ZEverything from you is positive
# G' m$ q. [7 z. u/ z/ B2 OYou blame me everything and everyday% D: l; E2 W8 s; Y8 `+ m9 b( L
And I think all girls sound like
& Y) {8 ^. i3 D" ^
: U1 t, }" }  ]1 n( @3 ?" t1 v# VYou could not stand my eating
9 S* `) @# J( I# L0 g" c5 D( p. \Saying no good for making funny sound$ n& g2 X# o1 a) [
I think you are perfectly right! U$ u3 k3 F" t
Eating with sound is a pig
( c3 f* G4 e0 [. ~" f( E
/ N! H) [* f! y0 t1 s  _$ d' |5 C: KI fell in love with you : C: H( t3 j4 ?0 T7 j9 s
Become a fool to think
& r1 g" k- `( @, L2 W( xAll trouble things you did: S9 ^, s1 ]* l# H' O
And that is the price for love' z, g; A6 I: m6 Q2 B; H

: k8 N/ ~. Z# R- A8 ^9 vyou are deeply in love/ F; Z( R2 ^+ T: l: t& ?  |4 B8 v
Everything from me is negative2 W, O5 Z. _( x  u: ~4 e( W. q
"My man should be like this,
% Z" f+ ]3 o* x, Z3 Oand I am helping you to improve'
* I1 M8 g9 [% W, l# I/ r
; n+ f$ c6 @  [; f9 iYou are loving me / C  I4 s) k2 a
or that one in your mind?3 o' ]5 w' @) J( ]
My mind is like a mud: F) G! u/ \" V# `: o1 c# ]2 E
can be shaped whatever you want' |# S, w. ~3 Z" j
: m+ s8 {2 Z  }: v. y( f( w$ O" L
unfortunalety not my heart
5 X7 i; X7 @8 e) P9 r/ eIt is slashed by you 9 f1 \7 T  c; c( n
and I am seriously hurt
; s. O3 H7 F1 @# Z0 m4 e1 }6 L, s* L7 t
I will never love another
- F5 s( O  Z# g1 z; \If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
, b' {) l6 F& Z; Vmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

9 b7 o7 c; Z/ M9 z! z) i  i% V4 e' B, S/ \6 P6 [
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
, m7 ]7 y/ S  g- c9 R. n! @( k不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 6 j1 ]5 V( C- f* o, J! ^9 ^
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
, B+ v6 C: V! c( Z" {2 oAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
( }; F: k  x* l+ I5 y( m* y
3 L8 V- K. d/ d) m* o2 k6 {with the charm,! ]1 Z+ [( ]; S
with the simles.0 k9 t' m1 E- i9 J6 b0 w! I
I fell in love with you ' z/ u; l% M8 d) }  ]  \0 L, r. B# Y
In the first sign.
! g" c) o' o: j: n$ |% dAs spotting sky at a summer * z% L) H* C  H7 |4 V3 i
3 Q% R1 C# m- g) @. q2 h' P
Your lip is so soft
+ o, `5 w) u) l: ^. k6 M* |* Dthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss* E# k8 l4 d' `; z. @4 Q
Your body is so sexy" n3 t' l7 w5 j2 M. N: E
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
! [! \6 ^+ m6 W, o) J" y* M; }& z5 v* X+ W# o
I am deeply in love: d6 o, g; Q, x9 l5 C  p
Everything from you is so charming
+ h6 {. i6 G2 p6 Walthough You r so picky for me
/ O, C6 _9 R6 l1 eAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.  i0 a- k9 x) W6 g- H$ K0 z  N) e
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
, H7 P# {1 w7 Q  @2 H" ~9 R: J  x( K' v0 c6 m

& n- h5 Y  o  h, NHis hello is the end of her endings
( ?- W7 {" i) N: U( k# GHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
5 f) T* A5 H5 U1 }9 |+ }' }His hand would be hers to hold forever3 ]: _" h% C: y7 l  f0 W
His forever is simply as her smile
0 `" Y' L$ U$ b0 E. PHe said she was what was missing6 D; p& S+ V- I, M* g
She said instantly she knew
, F/ Q! Z6 z. \* q- _She was a question to be answered0 Y! K+ }: x' Z' O; U0 v- i
And his answer is
8 x/ H% J5 B7 w) r, S4 N+ E  ^: J( ?I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
7 q, S) U9 [) `& L6 k1 m- D# x7 N  f" q  o, \9 {
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
% ~( \; k) T* O8 D+ ]3 S4 B3 ]4 K8 k( z, y' x
It's amazing how I felt ! \0 s/ q" J" B5 a; n* j
when I was with you
9 |, k2 _* z# B/ x, }% O5 jMy heart beat so fast( W9 v! w8 J2 n7 }+ v/ ]
I looked at you and thought2 A: x! |0 H0 n' ~5 ?3 H6 Q  E9 d) h
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
* z  d2 C$ N" j0 d% F: \: z5 N5 t$ X/ c8 Q) G' s2 M
You left me without a word
9 M$ {/ T8 a4 H: t: q$ ?I have nothing except my emptiness
  h( x1 ?+ w2 x3 y; K" I2 |! nMy mood is like a cloud
. g( g$ N' q) L; G* MHow could it be dispersed?2 C! v- a" `" A& t7 p1 S! {  P9 h0 {0 D
1 p# Z/ E9 W9 U4 ^9 {! c
Feelings bite my heart
" S4 L% C3 d- _You are the right one I wait
8 h* H, |  [. h5 _" JIn the depth of my soul4 B5 J: U3 K& [5 L* C
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 u& a" j2 q+ z6 ]0 |你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( _+ M. R3 f' Q+ C0 `3 a" A- m8 o就和用中文写一次) g0 `6 [3 h9 b& L5 s2 U
阿,我爱你2 G( y8 P$ {2 P& i
你让我心跳好快
& {) f8 r9 v( x' I9 q3 I1 D你让我脸发热5 W* I: }2 W' Z* X& g/ k
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ u' n' T! R- O! s( `XXXXX
+ J! y, \. X/ ?不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?0 G' ?2 [1 e2 b& ?

0 N# u8 V! z: z5 X( G1 D0 k+ Q如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER( a" H, C9 ^2 s- j1 e
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
- o# J6 }0 @8 H) [0 E闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美' x! j( ?: h" o3 f6 x+ S7 ~
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 w+ W, N3 [4 n6 {# ~( x6 V/ `就和用中文写一次
7 c( B  W2 B$ x5 g; s阿,我爱你* \/ a' ?' E5 Q& S- r# J
你让我心跳好快( [* v, e+ h2 ~
你让我脸发热+ J: f7 C. L3 }3 v$ A( T  A
我爱上你的大嘴唇
# i" Q% Q4 f0 U5 `' ]) W6 iXXXXX
4 K, F8 h+ p3 L3 \8 o# G& U4 }. k不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 q. L( ~/ H0 L2 {3 ?! q5 {+ K3 g8 ^5 u9 ]: I4 H0 t! i0 b
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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