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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
9 d( V5 O+ s1 Z6 w6 d8 c5 N
7 ~9 E$ [* I  h1 {$ M1 EI fell in love with you
# A! \% [' q; _$ J1 N* RAt the first week we met
% F( e- Z2 A0 R' E- T# t2 C* U
- E) s1 w' b2 FYou have charm, you have looks
7 {: N5 {; h* wwith full of pimples in face
# q2 P* Y3 X' d; w2 pAs spotting sky at a summer night
* U* q# U: C+ UThey are shining stars
: G" {- x  k. |' ]- S" ^# l! Z! B& R
1 V1 W; Y$ k( F6 p" qYour lip is so big7 b. o. n1 ^, y
And that’s good for a kiss
6 X% r! V+ t% `. O& n+ HYour body is chubby3 A+ j, U  L" k$ f
And that is good for sex
5 O( n6 {' |( X5 S9 X5 c% j9 o. x/ w" F) _5 Z
I was deeply in love5 @/ d+ S$ J3 V
Everything from you is positive" r" {) Y# t" {
You blame me everything and everyday
8 n! f' r5 @1 }- B  D4 ~5 u  eAnd I think all girls sound like$ d# ^/ u0 m4 u+ `9 }: b$ d

: J  y( l/ @4 p* M( f/ z/ ]You could not stand my eating" a4 x1 ]- p; a" H6 ~% n4 p. ?
Saying no good for making funny sound
- v; Z7 n2 Q( a! N7 B4 SI think you are perfectly right
# e" W1 n! w2 V& \) X7 ~Eating with sound is a pig' F; M. t  q' C% g0 @
4 v6 A$ u: B. j3 @! f6 ~
I fell in love with you 1 ]; v$ |& E0 @. O3 t% t+ {
Become a fool to think- S1 }6 o# G. p6 C' k7 U
All trouble things you did
' O  B0 `6 }4 P* t/ p, F% w: TAnd that is the price for love
* z9 A. Q9 m: r! l3 z6 f0 ~& D( a% Y, G" A8 e# a
you are deeply in love3 v. ?* x6 ^% v2 Z! l7 t$ O3 I/ E
Everything from me is negative
" m2 x( x3 G$ k$ B"My man should be like this,
9 s  V9 R$ n. O6 jand I am helping you to improve'9 I! m2 O( U/ H2 V' ~3 `

/ J8 v& ^* S# @2 [5 f6 Y9 h+ TYou are loving me
2 |5 e! z' Z2 M$ n6 Oor that one in your mind?
" v3 V/ i8 I/ N( C6 l: n6 vMy mind is like a mud
+ s5 g! e' O/ ocan be shaped whatever you want1 B! s, p/ [8 T) f- r7 O
; o$ [- [; F2 K
unfortunalety not my heart, ?' q# \& R4 h8 N( u7 ~
It is slashed by you ; e! ?) k& B0 N9 M' C/ B
and I am seriously hurt9 {/ w- l* h! K) f" v3 p% }- a9 Q

: v; ?5 M+ c/ w$ L4 rI will never love another # M3 m  L, ~& Y4 W* z5 _% C
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
1 E' E) e2 I8 ]7 h1 Omy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

& V2 t- Z. F+ A, @' Q. o/ ~9 Q. i: U$ Z
1 Y7 g3 H& `5 @; x6 ?# S. J咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
( r; q4 H$ o: e' X) O) V不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 4 Q" x: ]6 E' F# q
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
' M4 @# F+ ^# ~% D: C; ?And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
% j) }! s8 |, v6 H( [2 A
/ @$ }$ r- ]4 {with the charm,# D1 ?& w1 l' h& ?7 m, g* i9 ]
with the simles.
# Q& t4 b6 T; U6 Y/ vI fell in love with you 0 j: t. f# o* z" Y7 ?6 N
In the first sign.8 s# l: Z- M% g0 f# S# ]% a
As spotting sky at a summer ( [9 B: k# k1 E& g. @; [
' R, _3 C4 X. D$ z
Your lip is so soft
9 M% y! Z* R! Q3 A* @there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
9 k- \2 @7 v: w2 n  U" z/ OYour body is so sexy4 H/ g. P/ x: l& w6 E* ]( l' C2 b6 P
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.. p6 R9 {( s1 E, D0 ~8 p1 B% |

/ z) u8 Y% G# U% @2 o/ y" TI am deeply in love
0 _0 k) N+ _' a# a4 @5 }Everything from you is so charming
$ U1 U) Q! u5 _% P8 Dalthough You r so picky for me
- Y) {8 V1 ^' ~* Z5 W* [# KAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.5 ?4 C4 l6 N) Q* o; Z
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem5 G# B! i, Y, c5 W- y& b: a) t
& D" U7 t" I: d! H% m- Y/ T

3 e! \" m1 C6 g/ NHis hello is the end of her endings
9 P( O& D2 q+ LHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle$ T6 z! [4 v0 _+ Y2 u
His hand would be hers to hold forever
/ z& h! P1 M0 m7 O, C- ^+ fHis forever is simply as her smile 7 C1 K0 }7 a! P2 u/ ^
He said she was what was missing1 @$ p! p) C. s4 m5 w
She said instantly she knew
, m1 X3 m  O. O4 T3 k5 TShe was a question to be answered
* [! `9 O1 V# }+ Q3 P) J, FAnd his answer is 9 z- o; |; K5 X) w
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas6 E7 h; Q+ Q4 T# Z

2 _0 N2 @" c, b% B$ f( i: D$ [9 X/ lBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
4 }+ J+ l: c0 @6 T% E* n$ d# c& I$ c) O) t" K: Z0 ^' i: {- ?# M
It's amazing how I felt
6 @8 d5 `& T- e( w: ~5 Gwhen I was with you6 ^2 E2 r; Y1 w. [3 N( s7 C. p
My heart beat so fast% V; d, M8 o9 W1 T- F
I looked at you and thought( S. H/ u. j2 G# z$ |! ?
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
6 r' y, k& ^, \
7 G% v& V( }( sYou left me without a word
$ ]- Z: ^% j* B4 @( ~) x" i5 P# ]I have nothing except my emptiness, f8 l1 W3 E  L5 ?
My mood is like a cloud; C/ n3 w0 }6 ?7 }' y9 D7 S
How could it be dispersed?
1 I7 M  B" Y1 k9 Q( f. e2 G" ~% [! f/ K* P* Z/ H
Feelings bite my heart 0 ^% H. \" D" Y0 J2 E
You are the right one I wait
; |9 [) T2 [, ^4 Z) GIn the depth of my soul' s+ S) _( V- N
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 u, ~8 w1 ?' ]8 A你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, H& G% D1 e" E/ {/ ?" U就和用中文写一次& {) T, Y4 p9 E. O
阿,我爱你$ q+ O' _$ y9 l
你让我心跳好快
' S) i/ V$ e/ ~( |你让我脸发热
: E+ b; g5 I' n' V9 q$ `2 k  t0 R我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 U' F& A. D/ a  A( m! a) R" ]$ JXXXXX
! `. C, Q2 h$ Q0 g7 R' M" Z不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
6 S; }, ?: C& Z  V' w6 V' i0 O8 K0 v7 j. w
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER$ J( |/ i/ r! x( `/ u% o' r
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
  h8 K$ u& ]; X3 i& K! f闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美6 f9 j0 {( |: T/ k
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% S8 p4 @, d; ?9 f2 R- O就和用中文写一次! R, W$ ]8 J7 `& f: P# x/ E6 k
阿,我爱你
! L9 i, T) w/ O你让我心跳好快
  w: j3 @/ e% _你让我脸发热
9 h7 b, b. s! z, p, M* M我爱上你的大嘴唇1 T( W( t% [2 i( K+ F/ e2 O
XXXXX+ e0 d( e6 ^9 K! E% A
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
0 C4 ~8 c0 o6 d# J7 M
6 |, ]  K# ]' h1 C( @# W
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
$ t& \  u9 e3 {% [9 e/ U: R
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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