埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5144|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love0 z$ j, W+ K1 F' ]: j9 o) p4 q
9 U1 j/ I" c# z  d$ p, Y7 k' \$ {
I fell in love with you
# w. x5 |# [7 V' D/ TAt the first week we met
' a5 A9 A9 z- l2 Z  k! E( y
! ~) a$ X, h7 M; r$ l& {! eYou have charm, you have looks; h% s. E7 }0 W1 F- p+ X/ e
with full of pimples in face
& X+ q6 b' }6 ^% SAs spotting sky at a summer night' n1 g' s% E) I7 i
They are shining stars2 \! r" N5 u5 L0 K

9 j$ q- e! N. |1 p& x5 n4 AYour lip is so big4 K( R3 }$ p( O) P1 L
And that’s good for a kiss1 a; [9 `( o. Q* R* d5 Y
Your body is chubby2 [& {$ e' t4 q& ~# a" [6 W% ]$ C/ ^! ~
And that is good for sex/ o' E0 I5 x2 l( C7 {) h% l& I
& y9 ]' H- b" }4 e
I was deeply in love/ y+ \7 S4 p0 p  ^4 T
Everything from you is positive
. G' t5 `9 _8 q" M0 C! x7 SYou blame me everything and everyday! p2 J9 h. I( |' Q* P) B" C' M; \& m
And I think all girls sound like
6 l0 r% L3 o$ k; N; Y* M  J( b: h4 r- w4 s0 s4 P7 [' C# C
You could not stand my eating: F- w- P, N6 V1 \& c- m
Saying no good for making funny sound6 n7 g* _0 M6 Z( z
I think you are perfectly right
* \9 ]' i1 \7 Y, G) @Eating with sound is a pig) a) w0 L" l$ S3 O9 E* A

# b8 e3 X, t( O8 p1 ^7 F% oI fell in love with you + u6 U4 G9 `) \4 G# u
Become a fool to think
, \- ?* H8 g+ }) Y: nAll trouble things you did
% g$ a' L1 m$ @. }% @And that is the price for love
# \2 i( a8 H9 B# s6 ]6 g  K- h5 X+ p# }4 S0 ?7 q
you are deeply in love
7 |/ t+ K0 w8 ~! R; f$ IEverything from me is negative% l1 J% z1 z. y' o
"My man should be like this,
" O- n# U% P9 a& X; Gand I am helping you to improve'
# y* b! `5 y" E
/ p7 W; Z& b% h4 f- jYou are loving me - A4 i* w) I+ ]" T6 Y
or that one in your mind?
( P. o. R( C2 T! nMy mind is like a mud" t) A9 B0 k8 X! U1 _# @9 X
can be shaped whatever you want
) \7 L" v$ |# i; u: X- l! p1 @1 k6 l& z, ~5 A
unfortunalety not my heart  }" E4 T1 R( ], ]
It is slashed by you 4 [, Z5 ~/ p2 g4 y$ y: U
and I am seriously hurt% u9 B, R: Q  b% Q
/ h6 t1 Z- a9 v# J5 c
I will never love another 1 i0 B, ]. t' }8 d# P. F
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
大型搬家
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
# V4 @0 t. Y, P8 t: w1 M5 Kmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

9 |, g- {% R6 j9 X, j' \) n; r$ F0 W" p8 K3 C
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!9 A) w9 T; x2 I
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,   ^1 \# @$ M' B! m% Q4 b' O6 k7 |( }
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
/ u+ s+ S8 B# O, {4 q( ?And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed' u+ [/ \8 B& A" o+ V
1 a. q5 u* ~" K- L! \$ Q2 A/ e
with the charm,
9 G4 y3 \6 G2 P9 q! twith the simles.* C. i) Y: _$ |& Q( A, j
I fell in love with you
0 M4 Y. A* W% T2 a8 D7 j) uIn the first sign.
# p4 [7 z4 u' G. Y" rAs spotting sky at a summer
" l. w; T3 {; y9 B/ _" K# H7 T' F' N- T1 g0 B7 p- L3 P! P
Your lip is so soft 8 ]7 E& C) c# c- I' m4 s
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss2 ^1 X2 t7 V& e" L" V
Your body is so sexy
' I  g! `; _* Z5 NAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.+ i: K& j( A  n$ f) I, a! O
/ ?* {2 I6 L- |5 j/ S# N' B3 u
I am deeply in love' {* J  A3 M1 @' d' j
Everything from you is so charming& e' K$ t( X: X
although You r so picky for me   X% K% e2 H0 s* L* b, O/ `6 [3 E
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) V5 q3 v* O: Y$ m  uBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem: i% ^* R, P( s$ p* k! ~0 R1 g) H
- ^: N4 y$ p& B& t
5 Y) O! g& g  H% |7 j. {6 j
His hello is the end of her endings$ ~3 @7 X( k- t6 x
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle1 _, w" ]+ n- c) f+ L
His hand would be hers to hold forever
3 t" U. S7 s1 n8 N" I" nHis forever is simply as her smile " y( B' W6 n1 w% y5 L
He said she was what was missing
- X8 z0 Y: a4 |She said instantly she knew( p& W) H# l2 O3 Z5 Q& R9 I: v& R
She was a question to be answered
/ ~+ X0 |1 P6 {And his answer is " G. H& y8 c% E/ m6 `' W
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas# T$ K3 N9 U5 i+ I5 x
2 r# \+ h  f0 R% x6 [
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
' l- W3 e' c! g: s; r2 y
/ w7 s2 L0 I  S4 ]3 g$ E& J1 XIt's amazing how I felt
6 e: n# u' U& p/ `2 cwhen I was with you$ T3 K2 R# N3 N6 ~2 V" e% A
My heart beat so fast% k6 ^/ C' s2 D& W( e2 X6 L
I looked at you and thought4 S. m1 _; ^! A5 g& m3 A6 i7 X9 v$ \
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
7 C+ y, b$ |7 f7 i
, U' R6 j# E2 P0 W& dYou left me without a word
4 o4 I6 i! d" O1 qI have nothing except my emptiness
/ L: U1 s8 X, ^* Z2 I3 t* LMy mood is like a cloud' o- n0 l3 M. g( f( I
How could it be dispersed?
0 [; ]) T7 V; {0 W8 n( o  d
: }3 m% V4 ~' w4 \Feelings bite my heart 0 k7 k7 w5 j+ ^  w3 G" G- S
You are the right one I wait/ k8 ^- `& Q8 _; Z+ W
In the depth of my soul( t/ E2 G) k2 h: K# p
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美& K& S, P. m% L, S- m2 ?" q' l4 h
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
& @  N- F. C/ V/ W就和用中文写一次
5 ^7 Q- {) I* c阿,我爱你, Z4 R4 p- L) Z6 M
你让我心跳好快% }; @$ R% n* q7 m" {  O- z
你让我脸发热
% ?  C  q4 A' I  x! u( z我爱上你的大嘴唇& D9 D) C! T$ q6 P; ]4 y
XXXXX
5 L2 n" B+ w( g6 x% V不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?( K6 k" D7 }  D2 M& y$ T! \
8 [" J$ B( s% O* e2 p, j
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER4 n+ c% }0 Y9 J- H: \
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 K1 k  g5 E1 s% f" u3 L- V7 w闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 h  s. Q4 b2 j% @: j% L你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% t' Z* y5 p4 I, k3 }
就和用中文写一次
7 a1 @- e( @6 F$ a6 }, i阿,我爱你* O( a# M+ x8 j6 H, n1 ~
你让我心跳好快
' X* J$ ~1 O# C7 V# I你让我脸发热
" f3 I. _3 O0 `  f2 b我爱上你的大嘴唇+ T9 I# b$ y& Z, i/ D9 u. p# o
XXXXX$ t8 j6 t; F4 ]8 Y- M
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
% e# T5 ?8 T% D" d0 b- I

  w; ~) X! [. P! f' y1 |靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
  _6 W3 u6 U1 e/ n+ \
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-3-23 21:53 , Processed in 0.157751 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表