我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
+ n1 c/ U' z: B' T1 f: v
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

6 o8 P# F# w; |2 N% Q, QYou have charm, you have looks
% b: R3 ~4 T; I: E) W; s) awith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
& j* n3 T) b6 D9 B$ B/ i& LThey are shining stars
# D% O6 t$ x5 c2 C: X0 J
) }0 P  H+ o1 `0 AYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
$ p2 m& X* h" w" z" K/ l# bEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
" P% I; C" ?0 R0 X2 B3 j7 a; xAnd I think all girls sound like

8 ~) p/ g  J, X$ U$ F) OYou could not stand my eating
7 }  K3 U( d) [) b) tSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
! C6 o+ q( l$ g0 e& J
I fell in love with you
  |$ s( _( T% X5 cBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
! A. Z8 J1 K$ C/ ~' }' U' S6 ~And that is the price for love

7 @3 j' K" k" a# V3 j) z4 kyou are deeply in love
/ b2 b2 R+ L: A* n+ S9 f% [# HEverything from me is negative
: T0 q9 v& a% J& T+ F9 N. e- Z"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
/ o2 h! `. M' [5 z. A3 ]7 g7 Q, _3 w
& m+ v3 r% i: E. p! g5 sYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
9 C* b$ e# V) q. d" }can be shaped whatever you want

9 l4 r( O* U9 ?unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
; V  h4 ^( j7 p. x: K0 P1 D1 L
( p4 D" o. L# d+ E" WI will never love another
+ m$ y7 f  c- \If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

# d& {$ G; a1 P3 y$ R
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
. e% V# N" X8 N' ?* ]7 {i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
! i; Z: S2 D1 B1 ^9 jwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
! U; E: u1 k9 M( [, ^1 j( qAs spotting sky at a summer

+ u# t7 f1 Y: J, |Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 r& A6 ^5 E! Y% n3 ~/ BYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

; ~" C( y: p4 E( i. n( ^I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

# Y5 q5 o& L2 u9 D/ N) E: @9 c
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
# n, p# t4 Q, Q! y! D4 B  \4 [0 V) aHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
; A3 {- {' F$ u) O/ L9 hShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
" v9 I% s, e& H# oI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
8 M, N/ T0 b% i- c7 \
! f+ K  X: N: sBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

. U% w2 s: k8 R8 dIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
3 G5 o3 o8 ^; j) vMy heart beat so fast
2 _, ?& U, Y+ H2 HI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
5 z% F- @7 O" Z/ ?* \6 VI have nothing except my emptiness
# F( Y% d# S4 e( U5 @My mood is like a cloud
, _$ ?' x" @2 f6 R* R; q9 cHow could it be dispersed?
" @) Y" f. O4 `8 p& p/ R' E
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
  ~$ z2 G4 }: m. LIn the depth of my soul
2 a' v9 S, H) |$ j  R' gI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
) T- A6 @! ^$ z1 N1 |8 @6 m你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 }& p9 _, x- w* QXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
: X- C# P0 m0 }4 [6 d, e) \
) e- J# I/ T4 Q4 c0 ]+ C* w! {如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 {. E  N# M4 k; ~6 y1 ?至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
7 j3 y+ ^% Z8 y* O你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
% W& T; }. E+ F- ?2 }8 I. n不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

- B; b5 d2 P  G
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。