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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love9 d9 }) u& Q3 }

8 J% j2 Q4 {+ R, \' }/ o1 }I fell in love with you
9 K3 U: g# J. @6 f6 p6 |7 O4 JAt the first week we met6 K- \8 I; T! |" V; o7 G

0 d; Q& A8 d/ u; {, r$ A8 ^You have charm, you have looks) ~: J; ^, a8 D: h0 p
with full of pimples in face
. `! M* I( U6 Q' v% \" BAs spotting sky at a summer night$ Z  b0 q5 R+ B( k$ b: B/ t
They are shining stars
. M* i3 P' s7 c3 }" c$ a+ u
) C/ Y9 j# D  B% w' ^# nYour lip is so big- a% f; U* y* d/ H- \8 l
And that’s good for a kiss
# j( d8 e0 J8 x8 W1 N; UYour body is chubby; d( ^6 |/ u! F* ]2 J$ {
And that is good for sex* U8 X5 X. W+ L$ J9 Z

$ z$ z3 f" x$ W/ c$ D+ pI was deeply in love
$ Q7 e3 R- b. _4 W& ^" yEverything from you is positive* a3 X6 G; l& ?3 ]( V" T7 v* X; Y
You blame me everything and everyday
  [* D+ H9 O/ _* o. M8 UAnd I think all girls sound like
! M" l4 P4 s" Q# d2 x
% O6 C) h* ?; Z) J2 _You could not stand my eating
* s2 H+ E6 D6 }9 D! |Saying no good for making funny sound! `3 O/ A( v& O1 g: L: Y5 C
I think you are perfectly right$ m/ Q) M1 F, Q3 ?
Eating with sound is a pig7 G0 M9 W0 }  |  D/ s( Z2 |0 i

, [4 G. y- [' j1 ~) K5 I4 C2 {  FI fell in love with you
3 Y; l3 c$ f* C4 X6 wBecome a fool to think
# Z- P2 B8 f  dAll trouble things you did; b+ Z+ F8 T( i' I
And that is the price for love
, c# W- e( T. S) w: s+ ?
) K& e: [) v, ~* S  Byou are deeply in love
/ ^8 [2 S9 e) J. H8 I# L9 g! nEverything from me is negative$ E( C9 ^8 V  e' E# S
"My man should be like this,
$ O" ^% O0 \, J5 q6 c$ [and I am helping you to improve'- S, G& S: `) n! K# e+ l% ~

+ z6 u6 @' i2 I+ I/ F: E! |: mYou are loving me
  ]3 B) b. p2 J+ [# E; gor that one in your mind?+ i' C) e4 r, C' M) i% Z
My mind is like a mud- Q" H/ a9 x, ?6 [- J2 r
can be shaped whatever you want
. M( y5 y# A' c- o3 n% y+ N, E
6 I/ w4 E% P0 A, K8 x( L" F' iunfortunalety not my heart( Q0 I1 ?$ L0 y: a
It is slashed by you
$ `: f  Z# Y, w: I% _and I am seriously hurt0 X( n2 j) t+ L5 M: {# \. ^  H6 _

& @/ Z5 {( Q, v" V- l) ^) [I will never love another
+ X+ T0 I) n/ [8 |& hIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
' q+ \* [7 b4 J; Emy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

' G3 w2 a! v+ e# _8 d" M' Q5 ?& w3 u; G& H
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!, n3 w0 j# v) S' k3 B: b& c# i
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 8 p2 f. @0 S! L5 U
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
: r5 S% @  L1 H3 D- c# O& u2 `' tAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
+ m- ]8 X* R  Q1 y, C5 I( _1 _* \& n/ R* m# J0 S' g. @
with the charm,3 c% H& O; U; O" f3 q7 ^8 M3 |8 |1 V" w8 b
with the simles.
" l! F, r+ ?0 F5 I* \% RI fell in love with you : Z6 g7 z1 {6 w  q
In the first sign.  I5 N9 F) w% g) ]: x" s: c
As spotting sky at a summer 2 R6 H( ?. ^; I1 f0 ], t+ `
& `) o8 s! J1 p: y% D$ A8 O6 ^
Your lip is so soft
: u- X4 P4 ?, t: f1 S3 ?, L6 mthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss, V" |0 \" Y( w  U/ ~& B" D) o
Your body is so sexy0 P+ ~2 c: q! {# K# |
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 H: B, s7 p& I0 U- b5 Y$ G5 N
- l! t0 }  [2 b$ W: D- P* {I am deeply in love
% \' w" ~! b& i# k! e2 {Everything from you is so charming
; U' C" R& D( y! b  x3 g8 P. }6 Zalthough You r so picky for me
2 I4 q5 q, k: k+ j8 A) p6 p" dAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2./ m, n/ M. m2 A0 s5 l
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem/ k+ e8 V1 i! q3 q+ W) ]

. J# w8 B& C9 d- P/ x7 D, E3 p5 Y5 m# x: W8 t% U1 N% }
His hello is the end of her endings
0 n  x/ e! G! G( |$ _Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle# C: r5 B0 i" ^% B
His hand would be hers to hold forever
& C7 X$ R! s2 N* E% m. P+ i4 x: @His forever is simply as her smile
9 a6 c& C( p( f: d$ t: `' O: c$ QHe said she was what was missing6 T* H+ y( O2 f- l
She said instantly she knew  B; T8 l& l$ F1 u% d
She was a question to be answered/ D" H7 z$ [" e  E% ~% U( f2 P
And his answer is ( R0 {' N4 [6 @; G
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas& r/ j5 Z# p" m( P3 P; X

, R! P9 t& b, [+ a3 V5 j: F( zBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt  J2 A$ ]9 [/ d# R( @( L4 ~* q) _& i

4 p  p) `/ L, Z# B1 ~4 qIt's amazing how I felt ; L1 s6 J; B/ t6 G( [
when I was with you& `& ^: A* B, _0 O% [( E
My heart beat so fast, y$ y- G/ c! b3 L
I looked at you and thought2 V! z* A1 ]: ]) V% r9 |
Holy Jesus, you were so cute! J) r' o$ G9 N

% g& g! I2 s/ Y: m9 E% _You left me without a word+ J% C9 N. R2 d( `- F7 f& s
I have nothing except my emptiness7 ~. w" o/ D- u- ^. j; Y% C
My mood is like a cloud# X) U0 _% H6 v, \0 |
How could it be dispersed?. O+ y; F3 [! p7 j- o4 ^) w

3 V+ x! y4 y1 H+ u0 eFeelings bite my heart - ~% B0 i5 K* |3 ~
You are the right one I wait
0 ]! d3 o6 C" N( EIn the depth of my soul
7 l  _% K) y2 jI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# b$ T4 w. `8 |/ b7 D" B: l
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道0 t+ S) p9 F( k/ ?( g# u
就和用中文写一次
0 s1 _$ u9 n* c5 F7 B% a- D4 P4 k; Y" @* b阿,我爱你; A. I" [% ]5 i6 f
你让我心跳好快
$ c+ x! M' ]# \. C) `2 M+ Q/ ]( V你让我脸发热
0 F. X) J! n5 A8 h我爱上你的大嘴唇1 w2 B( d! f" f( x( H
XXXXX+ h4 s/ \0 e# C
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?. c, _7 [, ]; \3 z" w! S
! l9 p* P0 Z, _* n5 Q+ y
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
# r1 X& O1 O* D% {- l2 R3 J至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ; `/ D1 T$ p! X6 o" k
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
& E4 r+ n+ H: \& Y; t" [: a3 f你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道5 W2 z, j4 {( a9 s6 P( y% l
就和用中文写一次$ o5 J9 H. d+ f4 O% L: M
阿,我爱你8 V, l3 w. }$ V: D, z
你让我心跳好快8 H/ P8 s$ @) X
你让我脸发热
3 s% P7 a/ Y* L3 [我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 Q; y( `& [! H. d+ l. Y  e/ [! nXXXXX7 d! E1 a( g8 l- @; K8 E: m
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
2 x2 C" O6 ?9 p6 h  P% n  O

8 |; R' \  k4 c  A6 z靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.6 p1 R2 `/ H5 {
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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