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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
: u# ]" K1 b( L: m; E. A- b% ~4 |& c* w' u9 {
I fell in love with you
6 ]# D: I* V- A1 S, q0 d0 eAt the first week we met# o( Q3 f/ Z, X" c: \- v& x
9 E* f. b6 ?7 [" r) {) m
You have charm, you have looks0 `$ e4 v/ J( K# Z0 Y; K# ^
with full of pimples in face* ^1 K7 \2 S; G3 B
As spotting sky at a summer night
$ h: R# A" V$ T% c  [They are shining stars
4 u* Z2 J* r. D3 t6 b/ z6 j
7 k. M' K5 X/ c0 C* q- }6 E: DYour lip is so big
' |0 R* l( H/ p+ `9 @0 HAnd that’s good for a kiss
# M: ~1 U# I. s( G" T0 i8 P7 _Your body is chubby5 v; ^1 n& }4 |" X, e5 |
And that is good for sex
! r8 J4 b! t* t' g2 g$ b5 B: \: {0 l4 @$ {: \- M$ H
I was deeply in love$ M& _/ }2 g4 o
Everything from you is positive) b9 [, {; G8 a  S  ]* k) g
You blame me everything and everyday/ _  o8 u+ r" v! z+ O
And I think all girls sound like
: H0 P- U/ U: o/ A
  a8 v9 L: E5 k: NYou could not stand my eating8 A' x. r0 v/ ~0 O
Saying no good for making funny sound
- X& W7 z: ]( b/ QI think you are perfectly right
7 h4 E$ N4 L/ F9 D# k6 q! e& dEating with sound is a pig; s) A/ e6 m' N, x8 S8 v1 ~$ n
, T$ q5 t; F" [5 i
I fell in love with you
9 u/ ?! e$ a' eBecome a fool to think% S* T* U% u. s" j* W( S
All trouble things you did
3 r% H% D) V" C, nAnd that is the price for love) [; \2 N& l  \. R- P0 ]
, H2 ]& f0 V& D! i' {2 U( V
you are deeply in love, h+ G* K, u+ n- `
Everything from me is negative+ \, K4 s: b1 m2 w8 R1 R  n6 w: D
"My man should be like this,
# o0 _" u' z$ rand I am helping you to improve'" H. D+ M( W8 B  o, N: m* A& b! q
, o9 k* H5 b1 v, l7 O% b6 I
You are loving me " Z' h6 ~5 `: W4 p3 [
or that one in your mind?, D  v; z" k' B0 @. }( ?6 e- `  [# }
My mind is like a mud. d0 V1 _& U8 B& |/ g4 D, f6 m
can be shaped whatever you want
7 e; e1 k' E! X$ T+ ^; h' g* K/ H! x3 O$ l# n
unfortunalety not my heart7 J. k* ]1 J0 ]+ e
It is slashed by you 6 K3 P) D/ S" _7 w7 D" J8 a. O
and I am seriously hurt
+ c# O  _) u% l  N6 N) s4 l; A/ Z
  G" J( S4 B3 Y. H8 {2 a: I1 o" ZI will never love another + X8 {' L- [: C5 ?
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 2 B3 V" v9 ~# V& b! d4 @9 Z/ q
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
; j7 J% m3 G6 C/ [

/ A0 f4 o9 [) u% d$ z& U5 x咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
! k2 L, l+ c; `# \5 g' L不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
! r- z7 @& f- F2 c6 [; ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
- M( d  q8 b" B  X# H% H+ h- ]And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed0 S6 v2 ]$ {* B7 i

9 ?  G3 k" t6 `  C8 o. pwith the charm,
0 D; X3 x% g% G( twith the simles.
) U, r6 L1 y+ f$ L; E* Q) BI fell in love with you
- c3 m* A2 }" x  C, _4 K9 h) {In the first sign.) ^) N# C; ~+ i) a
As spotting sky at a summer ! V" V* y* \4 g8 J

6 H* Z0 {5 \" ?8 x3 X+ y: j& _Your lip is so soft
" D! }2 `7 \$ |( D# E; Q4 v% Q+ V& x( D9 zthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
3 I- [; V# g5 t& a" bYour body is so sexy, t5 ?0 ?8 x& Z& q; s" z& h
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 l% x4 R, v' T+ H# y; A0 X
# E" {6 \: T3 a7 x9 }I am deeply in love1 I4 C' ?2 M, U
Everything from you is so charming
) I8 O2 F; c5 t& y# balthough You r so picky for me
) E; E# ?. [9 cAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
, X6 X! a/ Z" }  }8 a2 f) E9 {But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem* F" y( T% U% r2 s5 z- P3 k( z) u! K
3 P# v( l0 T1 j: ^8 a3 k" O

$ Q6 [5 ]& j! P9 M  y% E% cHis hello is the end of her endings
- A* [" [& m4 v- ^$ hHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle* V# W8 C) i2 [& I
His hand would be hers to hold forever- V, W9 ^& n* b! J' z
His forever is simply as her smile 3 f1 v0 P% f' X' f- u
He said she was what was missing
( |$ z1 ]8 D% H; _* bShe said instantly she knew0 T8 ^3 G/ S5 e4 g3 {
She was a question to be answered: d  j  X  H6 }1 j* a* u
And his answer is 2 |! |1 n# ]8 v, Y4 M
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
0 W7 f: `1 E# b
* E  d4 P+ p  J& v7 D$ h; e5 HBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt% n9 z0 w6 S) \$ x: b
/ K) W$ n. O& h& j( l
It's amazing how I felt
. C6 C& {: D  C' Z2 @$ ]6 Dwhen I was with you6 x% z7 `/ d% t
My heart beat so fast' |# i, y$ L4 v: S. H; F  x
I looked at you and thought- ?' L' o# M6 [
Holy Jesus, you were so cute$ ~% {4 @: ^+ z2 P3 Q- ~% V
" ?& z! S) z; a4 V) D. ^
You left me without a word) ?( |5 T# Z1 u9 G1 o6 T
I have nothing except my emptiness& @  I& B4 a# N  d5 V5 |+ k) @
My mood is like a cloud
7 Y0 m2 p  R% ^How could it be dispersed?5 v7 \) k" m6 Z' L& _8 A7 i

. V7 |+ u1 j' ?  K' r5 z( V) MFeelings bite my heart
, ]9 A* `, U1 ]You are the right one I wait
$ P7 Y% y$ o  u" }$ i1 u$ Z0 EIn the depth of my soul1 W0 h9 l; ?/ u
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美  p9 M+ c0 Q5 p
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 m" M" `$ _+ p6 J* a就和用中文写一次$ C. v; d  q$ e# P! [6 P: _2 B
阿,我爱你
) {6 R  W  A# U1 z' j0 \你让我心跳好快! _7 Y6 f0 f/ ]3 c, ~& t: P5 I
你让我脸发热
( ]- K+ S" M: u- C/ H我爱上你的大嘴唇$ |3 W5 p& j! u4 R
XXXXX/ D! f6 m# ^: j
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?: ^5 s8 N% j6 A! n

! V, j5 W5 A/ {! T如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
) X) ?$ `6 [4 j% q* c# M" T至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
! ~+ g2 ]* c" _. [" m闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美( f3 Y& Z1 ~9 H
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* z+ S. ]) ?# L- a就和用中文写一次" C! F# x& k# |1 p: R
阿,我爱你; R. u( S* T4 A* s
你让我心跳好快
" [# y+ u- \' }+ _8 t你让我脸发热
  h! A5 p. n) n! Z6 H, I我爱上你的大嘴唇0 f2 F" Z" M  ]7 B
XXXXX0 X0 R8 @. D+ {# k2 W5 i2 ~
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
4 r+ ~: k8 R* F  O9 m0 i7 F

4 ?  R% t& Y- E  Q5 A/ [, \靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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