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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love8 w+ [  n' O6 }% j
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I fell in love with you
4 K' G( m& ^  R) gAt the first week we met
( k" `' V/ }0 k  J% e7 l% K% A. i$ o7 {  }1 @6 g8 l
You have charm, you have looks
) M/ G3 x' X# M$ |4 }with full of pimples in face4 O) d0 \- Y4 R! P8 F
As spotting sky at a summer night3 P8 W, @1 e* ?; D+ X& D* K
They are shining stars
8 `. K* @7 D/ T$ O
$ m, u4 d# z) l3 F# x5 _Your lip is so big8 Z1 p' C  x# _" U) P
And that’s good for a kiss. \; c# V( U+ {5 t
Your body is chubby
! t, Z/ Y+ e, |$ q3 PAnd that is good for sex
% B  W: n1 X& i( N3 t/ G( m4 P$ W
# Z3 L( F, e: M  m- zI was deeply in love
8 M8 Y7 |0 ?- k5 \& w& u7 @9 E; ~Everything from you is positive
/ G* f, R: `3 r( ]: k& U1 d0 sYou blame me everything and everyday
/ @  X/ |$ I; R: L+ kAnd I think all girls sound like1 r4 [8 v. N5 s5 {
/ A8 D( M: a& I2 l/ Y) ?( T
You could not stand my eating7 _" L0 ]! [) N0 `. `6 Z
Saying no good for making funny sound
4 K; o* y# V1 z0 N; K8 A; {I think you are perfectly right- |- p, A7 {, }; V9 p
Eating with sound is a pig! D. s# n' o' H* Y! b+ c' ~0 |
* D0 k( m% ]4 B* z5 i) G- |6 C
I fell in love with you
  j( c& A' {" w* @! d' sBecome a fool to think
9 e0 x% C; X' n0 _; ^& N; L! BAll trouble things you did
' X8 ^/ K& Q# M. G4 l: f8 SAnd that is the price for love: T5 k, \" ?+ R" C: q: U
  p1 c9 z7 F6 z& M
you are deeply in love8 {2 I; i# ?, d, Y% j/ v
Everything from me is negative
) F7 `7 v4 [  ^) Z9 w9 |"My man should be like this,0 C4 H& l4 w% q2 ~8 ?" V
and I am helping you to improve'" I2 F" \! \) q0 f# G2 g

  {7 k, ~, A/ g% {) A- D# A$ ^  gYou are loving me
! [$ _3 Q5 D; H1 n" V. Bor that one in your mind?3 e6 J' P  Z3 U. W7 e- k1 o& ?
My mind is like a mud
! o6 _; N! Z) {' i! j6 N# gcan be shaped whatever you want! o. q7 z) s4 h- D1 F0 x

1 [- L% r1 x) v  Z+ T/ Q& \unfortunalety not my heart
  j9 n" J& L/ L. _: w& LIt is slashed by you
$ x; z) [0 _0 _* B& N) J* Xand I am seriously hurt/ x8 f! ]& ^. K- D1 \" t0 ?

0 P6 ~6 W" t  {4 m  M# W$ b+ ?* mI will never love another
9 y: `5 X6 i) K4 E1 C6 hIf my heart can be fixed
大型搬家
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 " U6 ^! L! o' A- r2 B+ D1 a
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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1 Y  V" g3 _' h4 B4 k$ V咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!# S- l7 h; y  P( L( y4 d+ [
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
. C* n4 \7 ~, V+ ?i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.* ^8 T+ d' N. V
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed, e, r# q4 H) e6 I% ~' F" j, {
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with the charm,
) M% f0 @1 Z! t4 v( t4 c9 Uwith the simles.' T) E. U  w- k+ q; _" s9 z
I fell in love with you
) X1 d+ \+ J! \In the first sign.
5 q2 P& D3 p. y9 g8 K8 ?# z1 YAs spotting sky at a summer ) v- H0 f; h$ s" ~
( v4 p5 T! @5 u) {" {& `' _
Your lip is so soft - @5 B: b, Y7 V
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
6 b' Y1 m. c1 W, vYour body is so sexy* L+ X$ m7 n4 }5 l
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
9 G, X% u2 _9 k9 k
: n( l1 `4 d, c" Z1 c1 M$ E9 }# rI am deeply in love
# F- g# E% Z- |, |Everything from you is so charming9 ^  X. I$ t2 E( n/ U$ {) Y
although You r so picky for me 1 _& u$ Z. R- z- [* e# ~; r
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2., W5 M- M- t0 {1 k9 p
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem5 k. a% S+ k, g

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, E9 e4 }& D" B5 i( {) c# vHis hello is the end of her endings2 y1 H, g% b( z* [7 f: r4 \
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' l3 n- @( C: `His hand would be hers to hold forever
$ X2 |3 a" n; J8 s8 k8 B+ bHis forever is simply as her smile
( h0 a5 Y0 i" A! eHe said she was what was missing
6 G( s9 A9 ]. _( X! N0 wShe said instantly she knew/ P8 V0 t7 z+ g# m) N) H* H3 Y% t% L
She was a question to be answered
( A% ]4 p, S' T1 _1 Y' |0 A3 r/ ~7 qAnd his answer is
( e7 u9 m' J  E' NI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt7 r9 f8 a+ G8 \. H; y+ [" \
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It's amazing how I felt 9 T8 p7 V6 h3 O! C- `
when I was with you
; ~5 Z" e9 d- b6 h/ {0 KMy heart beat so fast
- M) N% X! a$ V5 d: y$ `I looked at you and thought
" r) [8 i3 s0 g+ K2 F4 h8 NHoly Jesus, you were so cute- u' ~4 ?8 ~5 a$ o% e
1 c- e* `: D& k7 c4 u
You left me without a word
& V' R9 \# {; d7 x* t5 h0 ]' X& cI have nothing except my emptiness
9 C+ I! R, d* UMy mood is like a cloud
9 T' m4 J) V$ {0 wHow could it be dispersed?
" a4 Y8 i1 D6 f; L
+ w5 d# k; H9 h" N/ J+ p9 EFeelings bite my heart ! n& Y' K# N9 s# a; C0 W
You are the right one I wait' m3 ?* e( r$ `- k
In the depth of my soul9 R$ m2 p) [0 g1 D1 x0 S4 z
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( s$ G& X/ j# z0 t+ Q: @" D你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道; o  K# n: T* O4 y
就和用中文写一次) B& Q3 ~1 Z5 [' k& I5 Q) X- `3 ~
阿,我爱你
& W1 Y7 S& c" Y你让我心跳好快
- G( x5 k8 K& R6 ]你让我脸发热3 t3 N3 w! F0 F1 U7 d
我爱上你的大嘴唇, ]" m& {& M3 \$ t+ u
XXXXX
0 s2 C# Q" H2 z+ O; f9 M. X不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
2 f# k' g/ q1 J* r7 R# G! |& z. R" i7 C. N
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER4 L3 r# x' P: J& d% \  L) z
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
8 b8 Z; [  ]3 l$ F: s/ ]* Q) l闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 ?" z: P! o6 U2 S- T# k, G你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道2 h. l1 i3 x4 K. [$ E$ l
就和用中文写一次
1 K) Q+ r( f* F1 \( R+ O阿,我爱你& P$ U, s$ ~" F2 Q  ~& j
你让我心跳好快5 \! h: H  K9 U+ _, |
你让我脸发热
; G2 y5 m) ~. [# A$ [1 ^- w4 ]% s我爱上你的大嘴唇
. N+ a6 k! P" B$ l  C+ y4 a8 K  gXXXXX' k, p+ z& F( M; w0 x
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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" h3 S% e; Q' g5 Z: {6 I
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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