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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love# K1 L5 d* u( I* P& x/ a
' S9 ]' R5 ~# j" ]
I fell in love with you
* ^# n, k0 t; Q7 k# c0 XAt the first week we met
2 `; l" X$ @9 c" K6 O- S$ X$ s+ [! f' h% R& b
You have charm, you have looks1 J0 h" Z, S: |- z4 L$ Q- p1 |
with full of pimples in face7 o4 \2 T9 l- b: ]* v# B2 l
As spotting sky at a summer night
0 Z( v! ~2 L  {3 ^) ?They are shining stars" y5 t1 ^- g# e9 l  L& o

- K/ H2 C) R  m: n. D- u/ ]Your lip is so big, U) q4 C3 D  s0 _8 H0 n
And that’s good for a kiss
! y/ |; i. f+ e" }Your body is chubby
- f( E0 a0 C0 {. T6 SAnd that is good for sex6 J( F+ s3 {# l* ^

7 c. g8 t/ ~* w* W; {! DI was deeply in love( B" U" |! @* n; j
Everything from you is positive
% H) q1 k& o# q! T2 {4 oYou blame me everything and everyday; M+ O- F4 U6 a
And I think all girls sound like& M' t6 g; h" g; R4 z! X9 K' M3 z
4 X& I' l* x3 x) J
You could not stand my eating, Z$ B& W! U% c7 Z+ |
Saying no good for making funny sound
( u, I- c4 k8 P5 V# fI think you are perfectly right9 u: B6 J2 }4 k  ^
Eating with sound is a pig" I% W' k' g' i% m& N5 Z3 ]

( i" g! G  o- G% e/ W. OI fell in love with you 2 ^( }7 Z) a- p. C
Become a fool to think! Z! t- ^  U  t; W2 x6 ]
All trouble things you did$ p: _4 m7 \! C% r, f2 O1 p
And that is the price for love4 a( \, N' m' _" y( I
- l$ S7 l: ~7 U4 M/ Y
you are deeply in love! Z8 L1 F7 s4 `7 a6 M. M+ g
Everything from me is negative: B( x& z% a* [3 J9 D) K
"My man should be like this,
# G' w0 l: q. v& Yand I am helping you to improve'
8 |3 J  P0 K3 g- |( m9 k2 K/ d9 {; X  K' F+ n8 t+ }' `
You are loving me * d0 a- Z% ?: F2 S
or that one in your mind?
/ P7 L- R5 |0 ?9 E# NMy mind is like a mud
4 F' i* x2 m  Y* Q+ B& a7 ucan be shaped whatever you want, b% G& b( I% N+ {! j$ n" {2 a

. w- _2 E5 u5 ], I+ k) Hunfortunalety not my heart+ G2 i9 D; s) ?2 y7 J$ N( Z0 `
It is slashed by you ' _' @# d% f2 S/ x# p; x
and I am seriously hurt
1 O+ ~3 B# @! S& Y5 U, R1 j( I# R* f8 n% J$ _
I will never love another
- c8 I) `. }& {  b$ A0 C! ZIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
大型搬家
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 7 B; ?3 J" V, t( X: R
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

# B3 E4 ]- h3 g- x% r, q$ k, E
) @3 ~2 }& [# u/ L. u" _咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
4 x! G, I. _5 I2 b4 Q' w不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
3 J. V- F/ `% D. k, d' ai am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
5 e$ s. X+ k4 w+ r3 @And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed) I$ V* `( @4 S% H1 e
9 l; z8 |1 j- B. h- j: W1 [
with the charm,
& M# i9 ^, }  {8 ?0 ?with the simles.
8 _- ]4 O# z5 Q5 M) k" pI fell in love with you
6 }: w2 K5 s0 o7 V! [8 Y) E- XIn the first sign.
# L- w3 M4 }( n$ eAs spotting sky at a summer
' Y$ `" Q1 |' Q. O  Q! n5 e& y+ E5 H4 ]3 V! h, h
Your lip is so soft / w" `7 v, m4 H/ X/ c5 K
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 E! w) s% y! W- h7 ]# {Your body is so sexy$ k1 v: d5 y! W" ^9 o
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.: Z1 b7 u' ]5 e' G0 Z+ K3 a

6 o) |' ~" {, P) C+ C8 Z! G$ TI am deeply in love
) e" F) v( R0 K" J5 a, A) fEverything from you is so charming
! W: @  |- d7 [6 aalthough You r so picky for me * g/ j* \2 c1 Q2 l0 d. R! D; ~
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
- K( c+ C0 k# W3 L/ j3 JBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
+ p3 q! _" L* X* X8 H5 u
7 v+ G9 t, J, y" n: M5 Z
3 f# {9 y& M. P2 W( h, PHis hello is the end of her endings
: j8 c' ~) d" R! O; [Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 G; H! X4 T- I3 S8 hHis hand would be hers to hold forever6 j4 u% p, Y7 |* y
His forever is simply as her smile 4 O& f' j2 J0 s. k
He said she was what was missing
7 N+ U% Y% W) B, f, F2 FShe said instantly she knew0 ?  `. n8 l9 M: d
She was a question to be answered; k3 F  j# A. w. a
And his answer is
( k# Q- y$ z* YI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas! q  ^* T- X- G- Q2 h

& f8 h. _. U5 v( j4 F# |Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
2 s' ~2 u( w" T- O5 c! z4 k
, f. o) O+ _4 ~1 W0 _/ r& ]% hIt's amazing how I felt
4 F7 F1 @5 A7 \# j$ T- Swhen I was with you( W8 S2 U$ U8 a( W
My heart beat so fast
' i* [/ j5 N! S" Y/ C5 V- ?/ A+ WI looked at you and thought  R. F: A6 ^* ~' H( U& n" i/ Z7 Y
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
: B0 W( p; d  o. h& h: B; S. h
/ e3 |& c. L8 w4 t5 D8 zYou left me without a word
$ H( }+ r0 ?; ?. h& ^+ ]I have nothing except my emptiness
/ F  ]' M- E- sMy mood is like a cloud8 ~' u! y8 E: ?7 ^$ z5 T9 n: m! C2 j
How could it be dispersed?
, `. |  q5 R" Q8 U- `1 h  u7 v+ l  M5 c/ L
Feelings bite my heart
6 _* C1 b% R# A& [- K" dYou are the right one I wait0 b, u# Y+ t/ L2 o
In the depth of my soul
: ]& A3 `% @1 Z# j3 J. V! \I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
# m3 \2 ~) R* m你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 A" _$ t* I, _# u  Q- ^0 N
就和用中文写一次
( G  ?& r; N% o: I% w' P0 E阿,我爱你
8 E! h, M! L6 _1 K4 i; S你让我心跳好快+ M4 y6 U7 Z' W) r2 K- f# x
你让我脸发热, a) l( ^+ |) w2 D1 G8 X2 C2 R8 }
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ C: |: t0 O: j' uXXXXX
4 Y, L4 P: z- u; u7 Z& W不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?$ l2 H% v; O6 e* R( k# t1 @

% z; U. E' N" j& B8 M6 }如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER0 K! u1 X9 w- S. C
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
  T9 b  H% v1 v  S3 F, _5 T4 ~' Z) I闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美- k% \( q, v+ U; @3 S8 S% u0 I7 I
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道) a& A: x, d+ n) I
就和用中文写一次
0 Z: n0 h( s& k! d; x8 Q1 i. ^( Z阿,我爱你, e1 L" s- ~: I* g
你让我心跳好快
$ A  `( Z6 i3 h) I( Y你让我脸发热7 ?. t, J9 h; m$ [! w0 d
我爱上你的大嘴唇' w) T! f+ x$ V+ Y! }; _
XXXXX& Y) R3 l8 U: ]1 X9 O8 v- [
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
: G( N7 _' L$ r% d, X6 Y! j+ v

5 c3 d  q# U5 M9 N靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
5 P9 L+ S0 {5 e5 e9 H
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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