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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
+ ^* K; k* a9 h, \0 k" E( y# k0 ^3 t+ w% v
I fell in love with you ) r) T( O7 N; {7 g  Q2 N4 V
At the first week we met
9 e3 A  x% d2 V2 A; [: }
% U9 X3 B  d% p3 B+ f, k0 K7 zYou have charm, you have looks
/ B& Y" H) d/ r/ Cwith full of pimples in face
) |; y$ K' a' L2 ?. UAs spotting sky at a summer night! o# D! \0 V5 v2 O" {/ D
They are shining stars
- @1 x( I" @) |/ D
2 D: s. a% W1 A2 kYour lip is so big# O; L2 W" k8 N# u. U0 b2 x( D8 `
And that’s good for a kiss
. K6 ~" V  b; WYour body is chubby3 I! s& }9 z4 _6 ?" d6 w
And that is good for sex
; |( g7 q, m5 X# c
' L5 f* D+ P0 R. H1 V! U0 vI was deeply in love
  Y/ ^0 l$ u4 F/ S' ?. K4 c# wEverything from you is positive4 i9 p$ x8 y' Y# E& Y$ Z* u! V# X
You blame me everything and everyday
4 f, _" ?- M7 k" c5 _4 |7 NAnd I think all girls sound like
# S' ]! m3 u* H  V. f# c% O' b. [( ?- v8 ]- e. K% H6 m
You could not stand my eating
+ _" o! R% r9 ]4 w* {5 w1 \Saying no good for making funny sound
8 q3 b& F+ _' C$ D, I% I. II think you are perfectly right
* }9 Z6 T( @0 C4 R8 m7 U5 z6 E; QEating with sound is a pig
' f8 `2 F2 v7 Z, M* a* ?! W: ^0 b/ |; q4 i( P; G# E) k
I fell in love with you
4 C7 R2 v: f$ w3 FBecome a fool to think) T: r8 b! d  z
All trouble things you did  k, m2 c, X1 s  E) N8 o% h
And that is the price for love
$ v; N1 B7 I$ @3 t4 [, A; l
, r5 h( U, Z0 m, }you are deeply in love, n1 H* \4 r% Q9 b6 I
Everything from me is negative
4 o7 B: n. J# N8 ~: R' r"My man should be like this,
5 K) N( Z( a' j( }$ A6 Oand I am helping you to improve'
% Z- g* g" a* E& l$ u5 X/ _0 t0 K" @- y2 N- A. \* ]
You are loving me
1 G  ~: O3 k! `8 b$ F+ Eor that one in your mind?! Q6 S7 ^0 M/ x9 p7 ]
My mind is like a mud
: e2 n: y* W! D/ ?can be shaped whatever you want4 }6 O! Q+ n; B" v/ ~

9 @- u  I6 C/ L* v* P) [1 [unfortunalety not my heart
+ r3 Q" _, t: r% Q% x3 n- j! i5 ^9 OIt is slashed by you " P. W0 ]8 Z+ C; Z; }% E
and I am seriously hurt
6 O, L0 X0 Q; g* ^  `) s$ Q7 r# J. E. C2 z- ?, W2 }; G& w! j
I will never love another & c9 H1 D6 h4 ~3 G( e( T6 s" i! w  d
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
* l( N6 x+ d/ O) |2 W' C& }: g% D9 jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" W# W1 Z7 i8 q; @8 A8 K# L8 W; L# A  x" G( Z
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!& ?' g  N8 y+ Q) k: R5 u- A; B
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, " q% z* @" O  J( Y  \3 O. o" ?& w
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
3 F4 f: H/ A" x2 [% |3 fAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
5 y/ v! i% R% g  T6 K# N0 a4 j9 z+ X- P$ y2 |
with the charm,
8 e. F2 l9 L3 b9 y2 [/ n4 s" jwith the simles.
7 U& @4 ?8 t( vI fell in love with you
: T( N6 ~  {) \# kIn the first sign.$ z5 o( X3 x, Z! M" D. F: ^5 l
As spotting sky at a summer
: h$ D/ O0 j& Q) v2 h3 p% A2 \) I* L& i5 ]
Your lip is so soft " C' ~4 v9 l' F* y) J1 i( Q4 |
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
" }/ B7 c& p4 `- |) m- H- x8 `Your body is so sexy
- I$ N" |' M  ^+ LAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.2 c% h- q- E+ ^, ]0 u

+ K$ @, [7 _1 l0 c" i. ]I am deeply in love
/ W* p$ ?0 ]7 Z) D5 A) t" m4 LEverything from you is so charming
2 p+ \; Q/ N- U; Talthough You r so picky for me & V4 X: s8 c7 `$ }
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.$ g& c, T4 |& L! A
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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( R- T8 A4 d- P" q5 \% Z5 P% AHis hello is the end of her endings8 f1 P! F6 s; L4 u
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
8 o' J: O& S. }* i) s. mHis hand would be hers to hold forever
$ L* I3 A# w/ ]' tHis forever is simply as her smile
+ `) s0 y/ R9 f8 K! D. w: i, E% sHe said she was what was missing9 W" R* H& z  ?+ J8 e/ x
She said instantly she knew' e: `. S0 \% R
She was a question to be answered+ E% k8 F$ p9 {1 d6 L
And his answer is
: @0 _8 p7 [* d) C& T1 @: u% G6 VI do
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas: s9 J. v& C6 N3 R9 q1 ^
9 m/ F- a$ M3 Y; Q4 w
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt" z4 z- o' T( b. |% y
  E6 S0 \$ R5 I6 \' K) `
It's amazing how I felt - I, n9 k  E6 r' C4 a6 y% v3 i2 f
when I was with you1 |8 G7 G2 z3 ]! M
My heart beat so fast& U) H5 g' t: K+ I0 S
I looked at you and thought$ ?; a- D4 W0 S& c1 G% H4 }0 b
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
. J! O. ?. d* n* k$ z2 J: V1 B6 O! l6 o# @' B# `5 b0 v
You left me without a word8 j) F5 o9 p- I, k2 t/ k0 j
I have nothing except my emptiness* O. A7 I+ R( {# F7 e4 m
My mood is like a cloud% c, V! f! g+ R# O) D! k* p
How could it be dispersed?% }/ k8 d, Y( O: x4 L% \* [
- l& O1 p7 z+ ?" |' v2 i7 z9 a; q
Feelings bite my heart $ F; r& j9 e! O2 K* d5 J- A
You are the right one I wait5 j1 L3 J( ~" M7 @* e- ]) l
In the depth of my soul3 R! D$ G% d* P& p' a
I will love you till I'm dead
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 j: j6 ]* y! t! m9 L" D. c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; O% G8 |$ {4 L9 F' N0 U0 c就和用中文写一次
( q/ G& ]! O/ \* C" B  j/ X阿,我爱你
( F& M+ W" d* {' h* {! d8 P你让我心跳好快# n6 `% C1 t2 u& v$ Y
你让我脸发热7 f! q) A$ l0 A0 g/ v+ Z& m/ r
我爱上你的大嘴唇3 w! ^& v4 s$ l& X
XXXXX4 D/ c* k3 ]- c4 y+ X2 x" U
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?1 P0 i5 L. L! s4 e
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如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER& E6 R* f' V1 a3 P8 J
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - ~8 h. n: t& }4 j. m
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
1 l. G3 y4 {8 r, z' _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道7 f' [" b; F9 ~& f7 ?* c7 o7 p* f' c
就和用中文写一次- j# q7 [& t" y2 a. R6 T  X
阿,我爱你4 r1 b8 p% _3 H  O: T- ~6 v
你让我心跳好快
+ e9 ~) }" K$ z你让我脸发热7 q- f1 ?4 r% O8 P! D
我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ O1 n# b. b* g1 J' ^  z2 DXXXXX
7 X# e3 P5 d, q. G* I不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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! S8 _5 R, w! [% a+ @1 j
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca./ W/ O. N  O2 x
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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