我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
; @6 m0 z9 w' `8 ^( V" N4 ^
; m5 _) a# R* f/ v# DI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
. F7 j8 m. ^7 Q) ~; z( t
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
! K' S* y1 g7 J9 v. rAs spotting sky at a summer night
. K% [0 l7 R3 m. j$ J/ I; D' [They are shining stars
3 a* ]& S3 o5 _  F$ T7 a
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
& M" G& q& @% @- o1 |4 d1 [4 FYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

0 Y$ |/ m4 X# ?. |; u9 p. zI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
5 x% Q# b% ^9 M1 `% p/ a& [4 tAnd I think all girls sound like
$ `# J5 W6 I9 M1 P5 W6 q
7 u7 D" d* G+ v* }% `7 IYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
8 l9 _) g) O+ D$ I& q5 bEating with sound is a pig
" x- w) N1 z( j5 k% X8 \' V
$ ^" s8 y$ V( I0 I' t8 m" SI fell in love with you
8 N3 q" I: k8 YBecome a fool to think
! C$ H4 t4 {' @- ?0 ?0 l% [: p/ g0 uAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

8 u: W* {0 F1 N# m4 O/ @0 x' gyou are deeply in love
: K  T0 c, p! M2 m2 w- l6 TEverything from me is negative
! b, h  J! f# b' k. C) O' }"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
/ |* U) O0 `2 r
You are loving me
! J% Q4 C1 c5 {: \& ]2 D; A4 Por that one in your mind?
. s" i. z+ W' b" J/ c" l3 H/ EMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
2 a( g- X% @$ h
unfortunalety not my heart
* b7 q/ u; l3 B: c5 WIt is slashed by you
9 }& M, N1 A* G8 u5 }2 T) xand I am seriously hurt

2 G: J, x: t" r/ s3 H/ f, [, qI will never love another
; O! ]8 Y" D0 D( s9 {3 ?If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
) ?" k  d! X/ gmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
( Z: U/ O6 t5 K% d7 ]. M) b不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
. c# o* K" r- wi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
& N" c# I: D5 m0 |And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
! D7 y5 |. D2 A- }  J! pwith the simles.
$ s" y" b4 G+ }+ c# wI fell in love with you
3 e; ^+ G7 s# M) ^2 j$ oIn the first sign.
$ s9 D  u+ c8 U" ?As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
) [' a% J; j* q- x. b* A& othere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
3 l) M% f/ c6 |$ H1 U0 ^/ qAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

; m! J8 B/ W# m  X" a7 t" Q, X1 l0 \I am deeply in love
- C6 Q0 |/ I3 V8 M* N- {Everything from you is so charming
3 J3 t$ B& n* L. yalthough You r so picky for me
2 [2 ^3 ^' k8 \% Y! x" R9 n+ IAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
+ G3 i8 g* F: S' [7 d4 t

: t# Y" g6 |# a* o# jHis hello is the end of her endings
3 Z0 i; P! N/ L, bHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
0 t; C! y+ e% pHis forever is simply as her smile
. ]2 c5 v$ U$ SHe said she was what was missing
& E3 U4 k) B' s% L. S- [She said instantly she knew
4 ]; o% W6 w' F  D1 n5 d$ X/ M0 XShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
+ H, ^# q$ C9 H2 w5 ZI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

* B9 M7 g% X7 I. h+ s* tBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

- O+ p1 i& p, \: h6 L9 `It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
  U  A  ^; P5 `& S' l, Q0 a) NMy heart beat so fast
. g7 z' w1 {+ BI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
% p; x. V. y: @0 N. t7 }
- S! X$ B( k, T& @( E7 |6 {You left me without a word
1 |; U7 B$ w& G6 U6 r( gI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
7 T% L( Z7 |# k- d- LHow could it be dispersed?

1 f! U* g! M9 b- C) h; |4 m8 ^Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
5 B" Z, g$ }5 s$ `I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! s! X# z+ q7 p4 x你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# C5 W' s* d! }就和用中文写一次
! D+ v- o' N5 w) n阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
& u" f! ^3 P  C: N$ x3 V8 r4 {我爱上你的大嘴唇
( Q' [1 P$ h; c  h$ iXXXXX
4 j, F+ J  T7 Z- c, t不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
  t' t3 @) S; {
" b* N7 [8 Z9 F5 j- H如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
- a5 }  g6 }  }$ \2 ^! [, E至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ X% y! E0 e* q. r6 Q你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
. }; I9 D) w4 q! N3 m+ y) E2 Y你让我心跳好快
9 M) T/ X8 V- ]  b1 L6 R你让我脸发热
/ N& Z5 @  t3 M我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
% P6 E! g# s1 S不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
" f" L/ q; `' w* k7 f2 W

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。