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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
  B" \9 f. K* s* P; D& P+ c6 P7 N+ R+ i( M9 s; g+ e
I fell in love with you & i! G& c9 W9 E/ m0 F9 c
At the first week we met
2 e8 a! E) q' C
( \& k5 T# ^! B% t- Z! PYou have charm, you have looks: w$ H3 P; m0 m) \
with full of pimples in face: ]' F# h) }) \* Y6 i5 F1 P# m5 W
As spotting sky at a summer night1 N: j  w& }$ X0 X
They are shining stars
/ S* b& U6 [+ E. [0 H  U) |3 Y1 A5 R$ L5 [  M. v9 K
Your lip is so big
3 m* t$ C% D3 a! s% z; KAnd that’s good for a kiss
$ k% P) K0 r. R4 JYour body is chubby
" _+ F3 {; P& ~$ f: ]' O3 D. r5 gAnd that is good for sex* w+ t0 i8 c% O0 H

: u+ I+ `, k" TI was deeply in love. I1 H' D( W% ]$ z- f
Everything from you is positive; |/ P/ X6 ?7 ]0 R$ |: U
You blame me everything and everyday5 i, J3 s2 x( ^) e# A3 e
And I think all girls sound like
7 ?) w3 S+ q! b( V* P2 d1 g* x
" }9 z5 U, L0 D, @. |& T$ H" ^You could not stand my eating
3 X9 k5 {- g' l9 ~; JSaying no good for making funny sound8 o# H% m1 k6 S! M8 Z0 T8 m5 z
I think you are perfectly right% j3 T6 V& k; k
Eating with sound is a pig
, l1 F! y* n7 G) V7 O% m( `
, q) K+ q3 a( A$ r9 \I fell in love with you % R, f" x0 [; K2 D$ H9 k
Become a fool to think
# ~" o, |) H7 v3 K; [All trouble things you did8 g4 H; J! u; @6 f* p' c8 }
And that is the price for love& `. z. {( ~5 e. T/ f" n
5 T$ `  D7 Z; N
you are deeply in love
& w+ u5 S  E: Y$ y8 I8 yEverything from me is negative
$ |: K/ h* M- l/ A/ ?% r$ ~5 U"My man should be like this,1 Z, D6 X, c" ]/ m% O
and I am helping you to improve'+ ?" `) p2 C  i

4 W: |- S' P. i# dYou are loving me 4 K2 v$ i; Y# I! v
or that one in your mind?
: ?9 @& j- I2 D1 L% x: P0 ]: s; JMy mind is like a mud- [) I  P6 T' E5 y$ ]' T5 L
can be shaped whatever you want# b) B; {% e, Q* g& w

) R8 n5 A' }% ?4 o5 Cunfortunalety not my heart
: S. D4 R6 M) C1 G/ f# i! p: DIt is slashed by you ' H: |6 |  M- c4 O- D8 }
and I am seriously hurt/ b( b, y% B8 X* t

5 I6 o8 _. K! W2 kI will never love another
: x' d8 i) D2 kIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 # H' Y% B5 e& X# L) W
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
* B9 B% s& U4 Z% ~: \9 ^5 C

( G: k7 K! l$ H咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!* g/ `& G& ]* o3 a0 \  b
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
" v  N$ [; Z; `  ~i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
& D4 m9 I/ v5 O2 H6 o- ~1 nAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
! b9 Y, U$ D( i" N; J1 t4 T0 q& ]3 a" n) v2 c* t5 [0 q
with the charm,
4 E: h* y$ @4 t: y: _# twith the simles.
" v* t* S$ j  Y$ T5 m7 l4 tI fell in love with you
6 l$ n3 B' u. w! ^8 Q8 ]In the first sign./ Y/ I/ l8 B0 |9 D" ]# d
As spotting sky at a summer
4 ~" I3 K* ?0 y: V3 M7 K% R: x. l( H
Your lip is so soft
' f  `( P3 J! u) ^+ Othere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
' @5 V& f7 ?2 Z, J/ B+ qYour body is so sexy" T/ |+ F$ x1 u9 J2 b- }
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 [  K1 d6 B# [, [& H( s8 r9 ?6 d7 @) c* l! L# d$ u
I am deeply in love" H. H4 l  p# Q) p8 e
Everything from you is so charming
7 d8 b2 a+ l8 R" Q! G* p4 ealthough You r so picky for me / {8 N9 M2 E4 p5 j
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
- r: b9 z" j3 p. a: h4 e, S. CBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
/ m' O+ D& Q( d3 g- l, h- [: f, V5 |5 g$ x5 M6 Z" s" _! C' h

2 j/ x4 H4 Z" z1 c0 F$ wHis hello is the end of her endings
0 j6 u! @. {, LHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' e$ ^6 Z: t' T1 }5 J% |His hand would be hers to hold forever
1 ?* [. M+ X5 f6 wHis forever is simply as her smile
& H, N  I2 I* s3 b0 T9 HHe said she was what was missing, `4 D  G$ t6 s+ y* o$ p0 T
She said instantly she knew
; D$ M1 E0 Z1 ?$ ^8 e* O* XShe was a question to be answered3 U. Y* \4 _- k! T' h
And his answer is
2 }& K2 Q7 W& [' |& h" ^8 _+ N. `% Y! LI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas8 m2 P& m+ v8 ]
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
0 P; G) g' d% B) \$ t$ r, u/ o* t  M. H  h) O) o
It's amazing how I felt
7 R0 o& C9 W# Y6 {when I was with you
* m6 C2 ^! n& a( tMy heart beat so fast* R& Z9 r! v  {( q7 H* B2 y
I looked at you and thought
5 ]% |2 `3 r/ RHoly Jesus, you were so cute
) n* r5 P/ s  B
8 h! b) z/ L% P1 v& |You left me without a word
) X& a+ {/ k& S) T) T, c) ]I have nothing except my emptiness
( l0 D9 T) T: w, j* ~8 X) [9 JMy mood is like a cloud
! C  X6 W( ^: \5 R- JHow could it be dispersed?, I9 K4 _, Y. I( J% N- j4 `6 B: K0 P
4 Z, }6 i1 }. W, D6 ]) V! t9 _
Feelings bite my heart
  x: Q3 w3 v! O) r4 k* yYou are the right one I wait
  q. f3 e1 |/ z$ e# t: D/ w! lIn the depth of my soul- t* t% l$ E. W! s& ]: ]  r/ D
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美& V% T6 M# E2 n' S' ]6 s# b4 B" D
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道2 f+ i+ @2 C. Y. }
就和用中文写一次- A9 W) F2 w( i4 J
阿,我爱你
4 W7 k/ g" l/ U; Z/ A( v1 |+ t你让我心跳好快* h6 o: b+ I; H' y$ [; d
你让我脸发热
% a+ i  y( H% P我爱上你的大嘴唇
6 z& L9 k! K* u& k( j% b( fXXXXX
. y' S! i) H& V9 n8 Z  e, k( D# Z不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?2 s+ H( q# z) N& u7 i) P- G

% r  [; Y8 g) g7 y* H" J5 g如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
" d1 ^9 {( H- m7 c8 I至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
8 k3 R! \& Z' y$ t/ m& r& g闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; m7 P8 m! |& x! e/ L- D你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" {0 o6 R" ~& ~) O. R$ @就和用中文写一次5 c8 W/ E& \+ R7 m
阿,我爱你$ n2 _+ x' \7 I$ C7 e5 [1 _: ^
你让我心跳好快
% G  q# ^+ L! [2 x0 T你让我脸发热
$ m5 I- D4 b1 w3 R我爱上你的大嘴唇
* e4 W5 ~, V& P: g% AXXXXX  ]8 @  I- T; {
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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9 {/ q7 s* S0 }+ S2 Z6 `* r
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
6 y: p, L# C) @+ g
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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