我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
, C& I7 F) o! B5 \At the first week we met
( q) Q# Q$ E0 O$ p0 r! O
9 q6 K- Q. ]& bYou have charm, you have looks
7 l" X- A+ F( e1 |! Y+ ^with full of pimples in face
8 O! {( F  T, T! [, HAs spotting sky at a summer night
, e+ g# H  k" G* u0 |( ?9 G4 f" xThey are shining stars
: w# u& K: \! O9 ^. M
Your lip is so big
6 @7 J; d. f; L# {And that’s good for a kiss
8 q% I8 n- L$ f! T6 S" p: q1 {Your body is chubby
, l7 R/ n; v, U' wAnd that is good for sex
% `7 O* v, J. s: r, B
I was deeply in love
- ^: {& e( E1 }" x1 JEverything from you is positive
- w- \% G" T. Q: n) L2 p' i, FYou blame me everything and everyday
8 o. K9 ^7 }3 S- r. N* Q; LAnd I think all girls sound like
5 y2 y) ^" w( o, U( V/ O" V! c3 \( l
You could not stand my eating
* c* U/ v8 g2 x' L( _" z6 \Saying no good for making funny sound
; Q0 y" y5 _8 rI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
9 f% F( ]+ v. B) t2 q1 UAll trouble things you did
6 ~0 `% C& c) @, uAnd that is the price for love
/ @2 W: C7 Y; Q* V6 ]' S7 z! z
% l( Q8 `; w# l. lyou are deeply in love
: h% S9 `  r/ z1 WEverything from me is negative
2 A( I0 ~# q2 d. K2 ^9 Z9 b"My man should be like this,
! J, E3 n- \5 Y3 q; dand I am helping you to improve'
, |7 l: Z( |+ e" N' t; O5 w
- C" i# A3 h: r( qYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
& b6 ^. X) T0 [' u4 J2 q$ U' e& cMy mind is like a mud
0 u3 P) K1 G$ ]0 ncan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
5 m0 K: I7 R3 BIt is slashed by you
) R* M; y; Y( d) X* c5 j1 Wand I am seriously hurt
- ~3 }. n0 a& y
* ]' z2 G  p6 }$ d. m% FI will never love another
6 o1 j2 h2 F' o0 d# LIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
4 |. U# q8 {% C" Y& Tmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
3 }6 `/ c2 z% w( @7 R& j% p& PAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
4 q2 ]( D* v9 i8 e5 q! E! D3 k; d
7 O! ^6 t. e3 J0 L5 t& F% `& qwith the charm,
with the simles.
( _$ s! E& A! cI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
0 R' L/ m- `5 |$ Z1 S
1 K/ V9 O# y' ~; l) bYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 D4 {6 W) E+ T' i" x8 T9 \, UYour body is so sexy
6 _: k' A) q0 d! {% |* d/ ~And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
- z% n/ i  K% H$ a- I) _
, M  |* x( g/ D$ Y5 ~; XI am deeply in love
, F, N. u4 g% T6 V) P7 e5 @Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) c- K5 F2 Q4 k' s: DBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
% c" x/ i+ ?9 R2 j2 q3 q
5 \. m  @' `0 S
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
% e" U9 H4 u! z6 Q; G7 L4 E: q: cHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
, E1 F5 V( }, z6 z' I$ H5 V5 HHe said she was what was missing
: X/ ]& W1 ]6 \0 pShe said instantly she knew
) O7 `8 Y- ?7 eShe was a question to be answered
1 {) P+ q2 n9 _$ K; }6 lAnd his answer is
+ I$ g7 }* w9 O' @/ T. KI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

) w( y) A" J4 e3 w2 T* l4 l1 R  tBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

, h; R" k. U; U7 c: iIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
2 `- D. L; m2 G5 k
0 k8 r9 l# I# J+ @: r; n3 v( nYou left me without a word
6 `) e. @# L. Q6 K) t7 l' H1 Q0 hI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
8 p, `8 t. @3 B$ J6 n2 p% R
Feelings bite my heart
9 \9 N; y6 J: V$ @You are the right one I wait
% x% W0 W4 D4 [+ v! [In the depth of my soul
4 o% E2 r- n8 |I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
. J% r% s: i5 S( |3 y! }, S阿,我爱你
5 k1 v6 d2 x+ L, b, t你让我心跳好快
& ?. l5 T7 u1 l% R! Z' U2 X你让我脸发热
! u# n9 K( G6 L0 Z! z0 w/ m/ I# b我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
' c* A' _' F/ k/ u$ Y不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

, ?1 A& Y; @" q# T! ?如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
( e, P) e; t' Y* @$ U$ e% I/ a1 I闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
4 O5 A& {& `1 g* t9 R' A% Q阿,我爱你
  o7 F4 }" D1 ^. A你让我心跳好快
3 l, W# ?7 e1 V1 \: T4 F7 W你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ G: O* t6 C0 K* e% B7 UXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

# J* a6 g+ [3 _
' }) ]8 `* z9 ?) R" T靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。