埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5022|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
! U- ?5 H0 t; \
9 T: x, Q3 r2 }; s/ ^I fell in love with you 3 n9 N7 K* X7 ^1 A! u; W
At the first week we met+ c0 p6 s& y+ U

& j+ L# z8 F; x/ S! W! ^You have charm, you have looks4 f1 D- V  c) P; x- M
with full of pimples in face% Q/ _' a, V4 [
As spotting sky at a summer night
2 X  F# n0 s. l" ^' o. pThey are shining stars2 ]# E; \# G7 w( c# C& X' |3 G8 {

: `8 W0 c. `; F2 f. `Your lip is so big# `. l* h% }+ s6 c$ z+ z
And that’s good for a kiss
, R' p. E+ M) ^' w$ }* f0 i1 E( ^Your body is chubby7 P$ `5 l' ?- N. s
And that is good for sex
: P/ _. X8 A( o8 j9 J7 n
6 B: M' {+ z+ ?. s2 K) `I was deeply in love+ j3 E5 E* Z! q4 l: h
Everything from you is positive% m; o. t+ Y; J( [
You blame me everything and everyday
2 }( D& q7 v/ \8 iAnd I think all girls sound like
4 {2 X# ?4 g$ B# k$ q$ J6 V6 z7 v6 V% d) ~8 _# k8 F. z2 m
You could not stand my eating" B( p' R; o8 Q9 L6 Z. n
Saying no good for making funny sound9 d4 u* k) C/ l# h5 T1 S
I think you are perfectly right
7 p2 q. X5 T; {4 Z( _& Z0 IEating with sound is a pig
/ p; ?9 d; Z" Q4 z" M/ \" S5 b. J) C7 b
I fell in love with you 7 I& @' ~; r, U" y
Become a fool to think: R& _& R" M! V8 }. T( T
All trouble things you did
0 C0 m- |+ x  `# A; T# wAnd that is the price for love% \0 W0 o9 a% Y7 i
9 @- t& w$ P+ a. m0 n5 m1 s
you are deeply in love
4 O( Q# A% w& BEverything from me is negative
! l: @# Q. z! Z0 {"My man should be like this,8 }; G9 }. _: O0 l
and I am helping you to improve'- @& y+ U2 P5 `) }( I: `+ B. c; a: f
* c' g' R+ ?# V) p
You are loving me
- _; d3 ?- k! w. r+ Tor that one in your mind?
# \/ Y+ D  @/ v( H0 L  dMy mind is like a mud" c; `# x2 \3 C. g: T2 K8 c
can be shaped whatever you want& V) ~1 j8 S" ~$ e8 P

. t7 o2 X  D: Aunfortunalety not my heart  g" t/ O' f5 Z% b$ [
It is slashed by you
2 p( Y0 L3 L- k- {1 Z$ B! V* o% @% Nand I am seriously hurt
! g" k! z6 j; X
  M. W) V6 |. c! n# ]I will never love another
- @  {$ P: r: xIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
0 S% ]/ ~, i/ \  @, n) h5 amy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

/ A" D) p! _0 ~- m7 h
* g+ I- ~8 u$ _咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!: v& \  \4 \* x$ K  P0 k# |* V. w& O
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, ! Y7 c' ^: s% E2 p( i
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
2 z1 g. w1 N* J. N$ E& U" U* cAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed: j: C4 W5 E" G. G0 |
9 @- e2 N- Y& o/ N6 d) ~+ M* b
with the charm,% Y& m$ o, K1 |0 \
with the simles.
6 W; X6 P& ~- wI fell in love with you ) t: O& b2 Z  z4 p6 S
In the first sign.
6 ~; j4 P, x3 d* k" B6 DAs spotting sky at a summer + ]; \* G4 K( `1 H1 I5 P( J0 J

8 x. t0 O0 D) o. _% K5 T. }Your lip is so soft
" o5 J0 @9 l7 e0 S& cthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss$ @6 |4 k/ d$ h8 M! P8 {- o( D
Your body is so sexy
+ P. o9 [; J9 W# \" q& |  R7 r5 P" \And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
, ~. W$ Z$ ^* }6 c' f+ X5 U3 ]7 G7 c) N$ |$ u
I am deeply in love
/ L0 V+ R6 }2 E  e5 aEverything from you is so charming8 m: R* Q: Z4 V" D3 e. l7 _2 E: W$ U
although You r so picky for me
& L9 p) p& |# `4 m3 |9 q# y/ OAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
4 z  n0 J+ I4 v; sBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem0 t" [4 x  K' w4 K; g

4 h( l6 j1 W8 L# l5 E# y& f+ R, B% z, Q5 B& Z
His hello is the end of her endings' M4 E7 e- ?$ `" ]4 ^/ [
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle3 ^  J) T/ l- j$ B9 q
His hand would be hers to hold forever
0 e( p) N/ \. @; ^! kHis forever is simply as her smile , D5 F; ?6 R0 e) c0 P) k1 O& O
He said she was what was missing
% V! d+ z1 h$ EShe said instantly she knew
/ D! @( ^& @  oShe was a question to be answered
  z3 k- G" h0 ^- G7 bAnd his answer is . M3 Z% |' a7 p5 _
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas& e/ H6 y  Q- ]8 [# Q6 A
* o, g8 g5 l$ V0 A  x2 x
Below is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
% e( c, o/ ]" }- A' h3 I$ ?/ r0 Q8 v, D) n. Y! b1 S: z2 w% G
It's amazing how I felt & S$ v; h0 k4 M: o0 L: s
when I was with you
; z. m+ b. }# Z8 c7 S- O7 F# oMy heart beat so fast
- z! h" I0 U: A( A5 iI looked at you and thought7 I7 f9 \9 ~' V( p
Holy Jesus, you were so cute% N1 h- o0 Q. W# c* U

' u. W/ {3 l7 ?You left me without a word  f2 W- p7 Y- m, f0 D/ q& o& X
I have nothing except my emptiness1 s3 }4 P, K0 z- R( |% c: E
My mood is like a cloud
% X% Z& ~, O4 U8 nHow could it be dispersed?3 {: V; r$ v8 E, w& n3 M. y

$ [* I- w, f$ c  {Feelings bite my heart % c2 K! O& a1 k2 x/ h
You are the right one I wait, P) r4 y, Y3 N6 H, X
In the depth of my soul! @: E9 x+ h0 z! T% M
I will love you till I'm dead
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ |! ]+ `1 M0 b: H% V/ \* j4 H1 ~你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" s6 u: {1 T- T7 M) Z9 U- \( D
就和用中文写一次) D$ l0 q; ~0 l3 N
阿,我爱你, d9 `* Q' |2 L& a& q$ @4 C
你让我心跳好快: I# p# E7 j; ]4 o- C
你让我脸发热6 ]) s6 D" ]$ `7 I# m
我爱上你的大嘴唇6 g( E: I3 A# f( q, K
XXXXX
. I  `1 t7 x: v! S不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
2 g9 _' y6 Z7 w3 @. G0 y
" U6 J; }2 `6 A7 i, E7 j3 j. @/ H如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
1 W  b" @; ]1 f& X+ m至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
% n- P( w+ n! y; Y/ ?8 o1 d闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
3 E$ w3 \+ r, M7 t8 E/ m你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道) ~7 ~& M* S& w9 K. e" {0 M( `7 J' u
就和用中文写一次) s0 [  q. ]+ s# E0 k7 B% B8 _
阿,我爱你) A6 u' [* `+ R/ w0 ~% M( y
你让我心跳好快
9 _$ V& n8 V! z你让我脸发热
$ J2 h: I4 ^. J- {/ W2 O9 U我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ N5 @/ E  w) V8 V( z2 \XXXXX
# T/ f& }1 M" l8 M, {+ b; q' g1 }; U不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
5 e, ^$ o( G+ y  R0 I) f" L4 n

" V1 R  N( c. |/ ]1 _靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
大型搬家
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
6 H1 m8 N* I: R: A3 v9 K- i
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-2-4 15:46 , Processed in 0.184324 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表