我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
4 e/ ]4 \$ S, p- ?% ^. R3 s7 Q6 }
0 b# z: A: Q* Y3 m# D  V5 zI fell in love with you
9 S* K3 X7 y: w- A1 j1 rAt the first week we met
* |* {" v4 Y! @
$ j% r  W7 \( @( c5 rYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
$ z' j  j2 c5 zAs spotting sky at a summer night
/ y, U& ]; R9 u( G9 a, J3 v& x$ BThey are shining stars
4 d" N9 y/ V6 E7 W2 w1 H
7 {! M! S4 a. j/ \/ W/ NYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
/ X  T, p, ~( C* lYour body is chubby
2 k: X  y" U  K8 y9 p8 JAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
8 b! f7 [( i8 l. L) {- lEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
' J/ \( m/ l% QAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
  v9 I( q% t9 L1 N; ^  D  O( h: f( U) ~3 MSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
" W- e! Z& Z6 i) ]. aEating with sound is a pig

6 @4 V: F2 V9 |; E/ LI fell in love with you
, K4 D: U' z( U# g7 f$ ?- l3 C( l/ XBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
% P5 N6 w! ^7 D: ]
( P$ @& G5 n0 w6 w/ i7 M; |9 _you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

3 y0 G, v; v8 k( Q9 M& Y& h) i5 ~You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
# {( }! f. a1 J# ^
+ z$ e+ N1 h9 N8 uI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
0 m5 X( H9 d0 z5 ?+ p不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
: x7 b$ r' \; A( @# l: N
with the charm,
+ c$ M( D" B$ {- X( Qwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
' r+ B8 K6 X- {  YIn the first sign.
3 b+ q# T2 H) s$ g9 ^; }As spotting sky at a summer
. L9 I$ _$ y8 q1 @; V5 O
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
( m8 N* y% ]4 \# r8 ^Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
$ O8 `* V0 t0 y0 Y
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
: j) ?% A" z' h; t3 r7 k( _2 V; A; RAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
% M+ ?, j* L# K# X8 n5 E0 MHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
  C9 F- y  E3 H* {$ |' g  hHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
$ m4 M+ |" W' U& eShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
7 y2 _; e! n" B+ I, jI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
  w9 I5 m6 B" B+ m
  ]5 J# `8 \4 y* G* \9 ^2 EBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
* e% e6 b/ i$ a4 B" m5 S/ Q# Wwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
: U5 Y( K" V0 _* Y6 O/ v6 pI looked at you and thought
6 c, S2 l. x. DHoly Jesus, you were so cute
1 p; [$ Y$ K/ n/ p- H
% H! T: b) q3 y5 ^0 Y- }: \You left me without a word
! U7 c& p- T9 z5 |! ]+ q* q: Z+ oI have nothing except my emptiness
: [. O7 f" f/ A8 @5 a* Z/ o7 xMy mood is like a cloud
7 p3 c* `3 T' `; ~% w$ t% MHow could it be dispersed?
" L, w8 g7 O0 m- i* u  G6 O
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
' G: n3 s& u! R5 ?5 tIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
, h, h3 z7 J7 b4 K" a; W# M阿,我爱你
8 o! \4 v( r! _- N0 K9 X2 J! U你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
, `: L. |. n! P3 aXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
% d3 |( C( K& a
: C8 n; \. k( W, k如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
- d$ p* ^. ?% S就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
, ~- h  e5 r$ \' R0 _我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 c) B. G, ]: H. x% KXXXXX
) l) O" C: D" X: H1 o: U不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 D3 g6 y! ^$ F; D
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。