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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love+ P/ J8 [4 D+ ~9 R  F  K5 G% R
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I fell in love with you
/ y2 x! y- ^7 L2 |, tAt the first week we met2 o. u& ]2 t, [* D  I
1 h/ Q- B6 {. Q
You have charm, you have looks' g! G& R. H0 i
with full of pimples in face
& C9 n1 P2 I+ G9 fAs spotting sky at a summer night
7 S, b. M7 ]3 y8 RThey are shining stars0 j0 V  X6 P+ T& j& @; ^% U9 X
2 _- W) n6 _5 |3 D
Your lip is so big
( L5 d2 d; h. l$ fAnd that’s good for a kiss
' n2 o: |5 I' q; j& _' P- YYour body is chubby+ S. s' H( }7 q0 i) |0 K
And that is good for sex5 J1 N, }5 ^7 X
8 }4 n* Q( V$ ^4 `# G8 H  t
I was deeply in love" E+ E5 V/ @; d2 e: v! P# E
Everything from you is positive
+ V% p; T1 k) _You blame me everything and everyday4 \+ i& E3 }9 y% x" [8 O( F$ I
And I think all girls sound like( g6 M0 R9 \) P( P

. J& b& }. q, }( S. ~- aYou could not stand my eating2 W, f0 J0 M7 R9 \0 F- C
Saying no good for making funny sound! W8 h' m. L. W1 s7 K3 s) W
I think you are perfectly right" d# y2 q2 @* J! V2 a" Z
Eating with sound is a pig
* U* l; U: ~' ?1 k, M7 D2 I$ ^6 j* k( B: i0 j6 t' u  G+ t& N
I fell in love with you ; Y2 x) T' S8 ^, O5 ]. {
Become a fool to think& r: _9 J# B  K1 [: A
All trouble things you did; V/ b, z. r% Y8 T  _0 }
And that is the price for love4 K8 |9 g  F5 H) ~. M- i

" t6 u0 ^7 |1 Z! i7 lyou are deeply in love
) k& y6 l, v9 i$ a8 q) |Everything from me is negative
/ [9 ~7 Y6 @; m/ Z+ M"My man should be like this,2 _1 m/ y/ L! h1 Q4 [
and I am helping you to improve'
! F2 y6 m4 w9 `; ?* S* v3 P5 H
4 R* n3 d, v. n# c; M- }. p  _$ }You are loving me % ^  k  o* ]7 W
or that one in your mind?+ ]5 `1 A$ n( n! `5 G/ b  S& {9 o
My mind is like a mud
& |# q5 d1 }# h/ X' i# q( jcan be shaped whatever you want8 W/ r/ v, D; S0 \- f6 _

& s1 i* P6 o8 p  v7 P' Nunfortunalety not my heart
, _* N6 x# k1 k. T# u! E% Y, RIt is slashed by you
$ q. k1 z! T% t% d7 l3 vand I am seriously hurt
( U# c* l! m, N8 Y' C2 k
5 l1 n' _4 e6 B$ j4 Q1 S1 SI will never love another , U" }1 S+ a% m
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 * Y- j+ [1 W8 a. i$ L& H
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% f+ m2 d: W* c, P. @7 t/ v
$ i( H* `1 Y) |: E" A6 {( F7 q% F咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!0 X) m; `" S+ J* Y
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 6 R+ Q/ `( y; F
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks./ z: p' l. N0 C: n" X% q
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed& s( r/ W6 E9 T8 J1 n% q

5 U( ^, L5 u9 _" mwith the charm,
% d, b$ o- M& o7 ?$ R5 Q- Zwith the simles.
- H4 v: E1 Q+ s2 |# DI fell in love with you
8 C( L8 K/ {6 {# oIn the first sign.- e& T7 ?/ F- J$ Q: V7 Q
As spotting sky at a summer " ?8 e* C4 x$ z, @& D- g0 s
- k' J" p' t1 }' k
Your lip is so soft 0 j$ M: r6 `  E/ p" z) q$ ?' ?
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss/ W9 }6 L: e1 R: I4 k4 U
Your body is so sexy( L' W9 {- f& v: @
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.7 _0 D6 v( o2 ?( c+ p9 z
% h% t6 {1 _; h" c
I am deeply in love
1 s( Y7 d9 K7 \7 u9 p: a1 L7 WEverything from you is so charming
+ Y  u* V$ C# N& g- ]0 e% H) talthough You r so picky for me
9 N; B7 W. f! gAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
, K0 ^0 g: B* O8 k, y3 u. [- YBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem; E0 N; ~" N# r' [- z$ X
7 K% A+ l! b1 [1 }& g

$ u' |- k% o. T! K6 EHis hello is the end of her endings  M/ L4 _. x0 l- x
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
& a/ W  w. M( [6 Y. kHis hand would be hers to hold forever
. w0 A1 r5 C! q$ N, I9 e! mHis forever is simply as her smile
9 B# k7 d% {1 I! ?He said she was what was missing! C+ O) v. ^6 K, H1 a
She said instantly she knew
( X' V! G( G* R9 e9 n; ]She was a question to be answered7 D7 x6 F. a. d, O1 T
And his answer is - n0 h% M+ O- r* y) }5 s
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas( I- e# n% p' {6 r
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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$ h0 {- M  B# _6 m+ vIt's amazing how I felt - J- n- v: g- @; ]( l* d
when I was with you
" h  M1 r" F+ {# GMy heart beat so fast
5 ^4 l0 Z( J/ y6 k% T- r! i- e' u! h; HI looked at you and thought
' o5 p7 t: p# M' g0 o" x8 kHoly Jesus, you were so cute
% F9 n5 i$ H( Z' `1 H8 A
0 T+ U8 j: b' wYou left me without a word
2 [5 e+ Y6 n- {, B$ rI have nothing except my emptiness* m# N0 G8 }/ c7 i- [
My mood is like a cloud
, Q  f$ X% {  P$ }" w3 mHow could it be dispersed?4 U3 C; c% R8 ^) h2 ?9 T/ R' s

- [3 ?% h- J8 v' p: |8 @6 GFeelings bite my heart & d1 ]2 K: F9 ?7 y! z1 d
You are the right one I wait- |$ |* O  e. u1 o
In the depth of my soul
% h5 O: M) D! r) ZI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 v1 y7 J+ T) R
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 u1 n# a# A9 y; k就和用中文写一次# T- E! Z' i3 K9 H( @
阿,我爱你
/ v0 P/ C0 c1 o. X你让我心跳好快
1 p) [2 [5 c5 `& Z你让我脸发热. H" a7 h/ R" m' n* D" e
我爱上你的大嘴唇" e+ d; s1 ?9 O! g; `
XXXXX' S8 p' X- g7 }5 y$ Q9 H
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 A$ c1 Q0 l8 B' L% S( L+ ~4 L4 i* a& w
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
! |* q) }1 [1 Z& g% d至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - o, m3 M7 Y* K
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" k6 K* B. i9 w  s你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 [& ~( @1 V. T) _就和用中文写一次; C8 u/ N3 f1 G; G. J2 W3 }
阿,我爱你
7 l/ v! b) _: B6 k7 H. d$ m7 K  G3 o6 r你让我心跳好快: V% c0 h, F0 r- o2 `8 [! n
你让我脸发热: V: w9 F$ t$ @6 @& l; Z1 I
我爱上你的大嘴唇  y1 T) N$ P$ }4 u9 {" e
XXXXX
3 o7 c; \4 Y$ e不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

. ?- |: U  g2 {' `; u0 o9 C0 j
8 Y+ T% _- B' J靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.' z& Q- r  A; P. L
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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