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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love% x  S2 z* K# A: U4 t1 i, h* _
" G" n  F( n9 s$ S2 [
I fell in love with you ' S" s/ l0 ~: g! T
At the first week we met
5 ^6 C) O  T! p! ]0 b
' ~8 A- _1 U" T6 DYou have charm, you have looks
& @, `3 A& T3 l3 g* N- Dwith full of pimples in face
6 A# o; O7 a) }, I7 q# `As spotting sky at a summer night
+ g/ T9 U; f8 ~# b4 I( r. z1 Q) j# TThey are shining stars6 G- F# m; s+ G, k! b

' r* s4 _' Q3 y; t5 J2 U2 ^9 uYour lip is so big4 z2 P" j9 B" o+ F" q$ `. b! X% w2 G
And that’s good for a kiss
  ?8 W$ g5 Z# C$ M, nYour body is chubby
6 |5 z! }( {: ?5 g0 O8 d& I- C4 I& }And that is good for sex0 j: U! J3 u3 f
& I4 U/ ~( ^( f# z7 x
I was deeply in love
# T' e* x3 X0 C, J! J, x* dEverything from you is positive$ W' M) \$ R2 n+ ~
You blame me everything and everyday
4 `* L. Z7 Y$ G/ w/ UAnd I think all girls sound like7 c* p" i9 L: s9 J

6 z+ j  D. z) H! k& b7 qYou could not stand my eating
2 p: Q+ @$ R& w9 YSaying no good for making funny sound
% r7 M. S* j& \# r$ X3 v% JI think you are perfectly right9 O) U  e- E/ q0 t3 q3 H/ S
Eating with sound is a pig
% }' T1 z7 C- M. B! y5 w& n  g, n1 E6 h2 g, s  M+ b5 H
I fell in love with you ; X9 }, V5 o8 ]. X5 b% P+ Z
Become a fool to think3 Q9 s$ [, [' X
All trouble things you did
" J2 g0 B! G$ t  @" B+ sAnd that is the price for love) |2 ?& c7 W+ H! [! O1 W2 m& t2 a
- V! g; {6 C4 b% e' X
you are deeply in love
3 e+ E# y4 h% o3 e/ Y. G, KEverything from me is negative8 i9 Q) A& {% r1 c1 F& w3 ^; G
"My man should be like this,
5 I" a! Q3 X% n, Xand I am helping you to improve'
& D& j" h" F, x4 n' T4 w/ b4 k- i2 f5 P/ J* T& u7 ~
You are loving me
5 m8 _, @5 m7 z5 m5 W2 Qor that one in your mind?
7 o9 G3 \3 i) W8 I8 I% ~  TMy mind is like a mud
5 e4 O$ e3 ]1 v6 T: Gcan be shaped whatever you want8 m6 ]. C4 z. S- Z; o
# }3 ~( c  }- b5 c. Q" |
unfortunalety not my heart( V4 b8 ]- }2 g7 H% R* P
It is slashed by you # U+ c3 x2 }! l: ^
and I am seriously hurt0 o8 F: w3 D, v1 p/ W% F0 M( z) n  i
" ^8 d+ f: y$ X$ U' C/ }1 D& y
I will never love another
4 w7 N( }2 n, M1 \+ I4 I  rIf my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
" ^; L4 [! C# Y# `7 qmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
/ \2 }3 ^9 `' S/ M% Y5 u

3 [0 i, R. E7 D7 `+ Y3 C# _, L咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
4 g  z8 W( h  c' E  X  J3 y不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
8 P' W. q+ ~+ L5 }  p! O+ n  xi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
  x& A. Q* _' pAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
0 X" d# e, r, i7 [$ f4 O& O
; C+ \; h  E6 L6 i2 O% d+ awith the charm,
5 Q9 }" w7 [9 O' a0 |6 G$ X& Lwith the simles.
7 P7 F9 B7 t. S  b. }I fell in love with you
2 `1 P2 q) _4 E: R+ ~! ]/ CIn the first sign.
3 }% q/ o& W3 j3 }6 x3 N' R4 gAs spotting sky at a summer
* V7 b* _: |7 j  O; [& N! c9 f+ F2 D8 y! k
Your lip is so soft 8 R) O2 u7 W. L1 |9 q6 U
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss5 B4 V+ j5 n4 m1 b1 ]
Your body is so sexy
, W- b0 A- I4 O$ I% z8 \And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
* m; |- M( t2 j2 A, F. F
' D8 e9 C( \" }" p5 l" HI am deeply in love
) H9 ?* n: N. lEverything from you is so charming
+ f6 O* n. k0 f- t/ l7 E/ walthough You r so picky for me . L3 A" P! O9 ^  [4 s  E7 P
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
( p: u# w. T1 w" B7 l- QBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
9 q5 B) Y! _2 W! Y0 R2 }% C
) H/ g% @* V3 V
" j" H2 X4 \5 s& C9 X4 p: VHis hello is the end of her endings
6 ?& N2 W% n) }! R8 l5 b" p# THer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
% O( S; R5 T' I$ z7 NHis hand would be hers to hold forever
& L3 V4 q( i. nHis forever is simply as her smile
+ I3 p( g, h/ N% `. N% fHe said she was what was missing+ e! G% }/ }. z& W3 B7 s
She said instantly she knew
$ t5 N8 Q. s: ]6 NShe was a question to be answered
3 d" V  B5 ]# Y# f+ x7 u6 BAnd his answer is
& E3 Q7 r+ `! \: s; {I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
8 M9 H0 C# G6 D: R; T' z3 C4 u, V
5 |3 t. f0 n. p4 F5 D0 yBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt3 @- N0 N- f4 f  h* u" j

7 L5 d! a1 U2 }$ SIt's amazing how I felt 9 _8 R" r( e$ j3 l
when I was with you
5 ^  r1 ~% l+ i- F& f& k5 h2 X& ~My heart beat so fast+ _3 ?5 w4 a$ B8 {! r
I looked at you and thought$ p" `* |0 N0 q/ Z% Y7 ?, H% k
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
- b2 q! H% o6 _. E" u# L; e1 @( v
You left me without a word
5 s4 |3 n9 p5 n- |! L" NI have nothing except my emptiness
) z4 I8 k. N2 ~' ~4 Q/ fMy mood is like a cloud# h. G* }' u6 s2 \* V' x3 f( W& ^1 k
How could it be dispersed?
" T8 A' B& Q4 R9 U6 A$ |0 f4 S2 T7 {4 b8 |# U
Feelings bite my heart
' d/ g, V- u0 \* z/ \1 LYou are the right one I wait1 h- O, }# m% \6 S3 n: f
In the depth of my soul
" U5 Y( O" r! z5 W/ ~I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 X6 T0 D( m/ w  S3 ^' m
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
0 ?6 X( n& A" ^- }' ^8 B' ^就和用中文写一次
9 j! q, z7 J1 b  b3 T# P  f阿,我爱你
7 u; {4 Z" b9 w8 I/ _) e$ f你让我心跳好快: O* ]3 X: n' R, U3 c. Z4 j& t
你让我脸发热# h! j0 X* ^% [9 g6 x/ e
我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 D0 f4 X& T  B8 g) ?! N3 NXXXXX
3 K  Q4 b) p  F% L9 V4 U( ?( j' d! I9 l不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?& i- q& J2 m3 Q3 ^( o9 I, p

0 d8 C' d( _  [* J如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER* P# P6 K+ k1 m7 U2 {9 e. \7 a. I- G
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
, n! f1 _' y! ]! e4 p闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
& y# M( l+ V) S2 u, @6 L, V你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道# j; h8 X( e6 B- n  m: f7 l5 K
就和用中文写一次% G$ @9 k# ^2 N1 x2 d
阿,我爱你
. V% U6 p1 P! r1 t1 N你让我心跳好快
6 E+ M) X7 A4 o7 g0 S, `你让我脸发热
5 ?' R) p  ~9 b0 W0 y% N; y- W7 L我爱上你的大嘴唇1 p8 X  `; F! i( O8 Y/ Q
XXXXX
: r3 N9 n" J0 ^. t" B5 o不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
2 T6 i! C  ?: L; s! i; c) m

" ^5 V1 Z5 r7 X) ~6 f1 [靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.6 J3 z" m: \* n- ]9 X: z
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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