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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
" o+ ?9 h3 g& M5 p. m* U$ Z! v% C  t2 o, Z( j1 @% y
I fell in love with you
  |1 A2 ~& k+ x' l1 YAt the first week we met  [* B( J. F% }7 s; a4 l7 H4 z

! q5 `6 K6 C, ?+ i  e. E0 [You have charm, you have looks
/ ^2 U5 Y  g. W) Lwith full of pimples in face5 U, `! j' O5 s7 r
As spotting sky at a summer night
5 T# w( K6 |% |They are shining stars9 t; l0 |6 Y) _: F) e' P
4 v7 ^7 {% G: h3 g9 ~( x
Your lip is so big; r6 W: `' A0 m2 {
And that’s good for a kiss% i. ?0 p- S+ X; L2 m
Your body is chubby) V% J  m, ]$ \4 }
And that is good for sex
" l: N4 L! K6 k+ R" R& S$ \4 i2 h& I( X  z( Z! i: s7 f6 F
I was deeply in love/ |# {: ~& ]) b) v
Everything from you is positive
( ?4 @9 M: {& b4 L) y/ pYou blame me everything and everyday* \8 [4 \4 k  [4 g
And I think all girls sound like6 @7 t2 t$ C1 U4 w" T
3 n6 E, l7 B* t) W$ I+ |+ W
You could not stand my eating* p7 J- A: u/ n$ h5 _$ \- p& M( o
Saying no good for making funny sound; P0 L: `8 `. j/ i  s
I think you are perfectly right3 c8 O5 O* ~" i9 X$ N
Eating with sound is a pig
, m% Q" w# |, ]
$ U! C$ {; f, G% Q& y4 b% e2 I5 R! d: vI fell in love with you + D) ?( V! q) _' d4 o
Become a fool to think
4 k9 p8 {; \$ h3 |* \All trouble things you did
4 t7 ^, C  z- @" f* p* V/ e: EAnd that is the price for love# b9 _+ a5 `1 v3 k* F  ^, T

! m# T  Z, t/ Y* f  }you are deeply in love7 Q# g( P4 l+ m& t  s4 V
Everything from me is negative2 r4 _1 c, f4 j4 c5 x$ T
"My man should be like this,) Z. Z3 v2 Z2 Z1 p
and I am helping you to improve'1 Y8 C  u" h" g5 _" A

5 d- A- e. u# B% R9 h; {  mYou are loving me
$ f/ \7 v/ F* O$ Zor that one in your mind?" ~- u  Z  K) y& @
My mind is like a mud
# L: y7 T$ |" H# f; P  Acan be shaped whatever you want
' o' K5 m3 T4 q3 Y
2 ]0 w; ^% s( k2 Sunfortunalety not my heart5 J( c, M. u6 @: [. }
It is slashed by you + Z' `# `* W  p& \, K. ]
and I am seriously hurt0 E8 {. `6 G( {% v+ Q$ z3 @
1 Y& _* F0 b- ^4 z# {
I will never love another 4 ^0 a8 O3 M& z3 f0 Z8 a. v
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 * p& p7 U0 t4 o4 e! u
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 z% n5 h9 F/ J4 K1 g. C5 M9 t2 g3 r$ k$ t+ d) Y1 e
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!" t$ A) U( c+ p, H& K
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
2 K7 v  G! E  w$ mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
  h9 p3 d! e. }' c  k# H/ `And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed% J6 @" y+ t% F8 P0 B
: R+ ]2 r! i* ]. k6 f
with the charm,
+ i( N* S7 z: r2 _, o( b5 [with the simles.6 _& t6 X, P$ f4 r& v
I fell in love with you 1 \2 B. R- E9 V2 c8 ~; t7 S" B4 v
In the first sign.7 x2 y" a9 ~1 ?9 r
As spotting sky at a summer
" I. N2 B# y$ K* O0 m" ~/ N& B! u9 O( z" H- c% s
Your lip is so soft
* d. }1 z6 K$ t" @, k" ^0 L& j6 tthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
' `' x% S, N' U8 ^3 o* E9 Z( BYour body is so sexy; G: k) n8 W& D4 K
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
; _! J/ f9 B$ Y4 B* y3 A, g2 \! ?/ T+ L  X
I am deeply in love" O+ T2 V6 m; D, o  p: W
Everything from you is so charming9 S4 x! a: @' j' R+ J3 O: g
although You r so picky for me
% h+ M" {% z% T* Q/ qAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
% t" c" k' @2 p0 |2 P+ JBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem- b( Y  h/ J* u
, a5 K$ _: u. a; k9 f* t

( F: g. B: ^- g; j( L4 VHis hello is the end of her endings
% p0 y- J: [& U2 @4 q* CHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle5 h$ X/ g9 r* o2 q! I
His hand would be hers to hold forever  ^, u0 w1 K. ^1 {! S! @' I- O$ c: M
His forever is simply as her smile * _; `( D) a4 N4 t0 d- [% ]4 j1 c8 k
He said she was what was missing
7 n+ v, Y1 D$ j) }' bShe said instantly she knew
1 C/ a. C" [) r+ ~5 ], a: CShe was a question to be answered
! I, p$ a; c% J" l. w. v: RAnd his answer is
/ q. I: q, W* rI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas: }8 B$ M' C8 J, ?/ e3 _

. w. _9 j6 e. d7 ]8 U4 s5 CBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt. a' h" h- g5 {# p
3 e' m  `. H4 z" |8 u
It's amazing how I felt
: r$ B3 B& |/ H9 o- ]7 {when I was with you
; E" Q5 b3 y) }+ ZMy heart beat so fast
2 z: l: {. i, m$ yI looked at you and thought
+ Z" D" k/ G2 ~8 N  F: PHoly Jesus, you were so cute5 w# c. R7 P- f2 a/ S1 w

  w! u; W! C( N4 ?You left me without a word
# j  |! ]3 A; W- dI have nothing except my emptiness
, u7 x2 b/ y3 g, `/ jMy mood is like a cloud4 J" n: ~6 ~& z) z. }/ s
How could it be dispersed?$ S  f/ y5 T9 z/ a
! R8 a& q6 _& g, {$ c
Feelings bite my heart " M! @3 q( Q+ R0 n6 v& g3 `% }  a
You are the right one I wait
3 w( ^+ z6 m3 r  n0 g9 \In the depth of my soul% _. C3 Z6 C0 B: f3 ^( Z  s
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" Y$ O* h: i* q* _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" D7 ~: E4 t  U% x% ^就和用中文写一次
! w+ s0 E! P9 Y" C) a  {阿,我爱你
5 M3 k0 ^  g. z/ i% V7 |- r9 E$ {你让我心跳好快4 ?( i8 B: `- n! v. W& Y. S
你让我脸发热
8 o* C( a3 ~- y2 `7 j5 I  O我爱上你的大嘴唇2 Y0 ?/ x; E' W2 @& O; @
XXXXX
2 m) N+ w; h8 ]: y/ F不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?& j. ?  }  ]9 n& r# X  j; D

, B6 S# I( Z5 z如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER, X1 p0 j$ v# {% c( H
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 & D! d; H1 s, c& q' ?9 ]! B9 ?
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ Y$ \( C% j3 b5 {' Q你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* W* I1 q; b% Y* C- b. G( H  s就和用中文写一次5 V/ T' t# Z) r$ ~
阿,我爱你- h0 w2 p( K: |. H
你让我心跳好快
4 v" l3 g- U7 h/ ?+ R你让我脸发热4 k2 \4 r) Y! W& F2 h
我爱上你的大嘴唇* R1 ~8 ^# F( a# ~8 t" b4 z
XXXXX
9 h- b0 h7 p- u不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
" F/ ]6 ]. [- |+ X
$ a5 b* R. Y8 z/ t* v3 _
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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