我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
0 ~4 M8 v/ Q/ }! M* M- L5 {8 K
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
- P- q% N4 m+ W# G) i4 Z  I& Z
8 u# S& Q9 @( yYou have charm, you have looks
. Q$ g- q9 q0 G  ]with full of pimples in face
% ?- N7 @/ d, AAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

0 k4 @! d: G0 c2 tYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
: P  A: B0 I' ^& R1 G- f2 cYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
: z3 R5 r  ~7 D8 c  V
; w1 B9 @/ [" A2 U) xI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
1 N- t6 ^- D- j7 \8 ]And I think all girls sound like
0 G6 E: s+ O' D' I% j3 S
You could not stand my eating
) n9 H$ e* s4 ]2 v  b3 O& ^4 |' i5 C" `Saying no good for making funny sound
! j, x; X% Y" [/ tI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
3 I/ h5 I$ W  F* q9 _  O
I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
5 N7 {$ V) N! U7 G5 mAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

3 O2 J. h+ t- t/ Y' j* ayou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
9 f2 L- J" g5 Z- A7 e"My man should be like this,
. M/ D: i3 s" g+ H  x9 `and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
" p, i  u6 a) r2 Z6 @6 @or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
7 h$ }9 i% s6 y" P5 @
* u4 B  k3 J" o$ ^) _unfortunalety not my heart
. y' k3 ^% |/ Y+ \0 y/ M) t& SIt is slashed by you
. Z% w  L3 b: c  g$ }6 Land I am seriously hurt

0 o6 R$ S* A1 R$ h1 MI will never love another
+ T7 S( W4 C' h( m$ L# t) d1 VIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 n& N) l. T1 h! B3 p0 @' g5 Mmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
( j% n9 f& C' L- X: n) |不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
4 N* w, I- \3 O+ |4 L4 m+ I1 c- Yi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
7 h. b! |1 ^$ r  w. x+ o) \) J/ ^And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

: t* d/ |( Q: u' gwith the charm,
" [5 x2 b, D; e4 L1 wwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
, b. c! O* P& k1 K5 x* vAs spotting sky at a summer
/ a4 T* H. l' W/ T; e! y3 |
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
' s. V( n! V4 R" C/ kAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

4 O4 T9 ?6 \% J0 oI am deeply in love
1 p% ]0 U+ L& Z2 G, G" tEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
3 z3 ~4 Z3 g* T' n- a1 ]! k  e) ?3 ~2 eBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
" p- Y8 I- D4 {# h' f' @; t

$ o# E2 b' ~# F: w6 `. [3 ]5 FHis hello is the end of her endings
2 ?; s$ A! T% X1 O/ gHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
6 z. B/ Q8 t! x+ _8 y) y5 P# THis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
* e7 s5 Z& r# P0 Q. N% A6 i# _$ gShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
) h0 A3 U$ H0 `9 [/ C
. B; U' V2 d% x1 cBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
. H- @, K0 y. S6 B) m/ R
. f7 ^+ @' u. |It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
% O; S- @# ?* D) EI looked at you and thought
- Z$ {- q' B! z( }; O- c4 Y. {Holy Jesus, you were so cute
7 a) p& _5 w" W# X" Q$ u0 R
You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
9 |4 ]; f' i8 V9 D  QMy mood is like a cloud
3 X; h7 h  X) u! I! Y, u) w9 e" T/ bHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
9 [7 ]1 Y+ G0 Z. W% d1 L( f$ KI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% X4 R( w6 C6 z- ~就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
( G8 a0 n% I4 }你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
, L# X1 D* h( g$ y- o6 V不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
( l- R" d; \! U! B8 G  P& F0 m闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ r. f5 W4 K( n4 u6 o, a4 ~你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
) ?6 v0 `; @- {, C你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
# G' @+ z# m/ P0 d( N1 b; O, y我爱上你的大嘴唇
! U0 R! S7 \6 L+ pXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

- `6 j6 ]9 U) M. G( h; @1 M( {  [靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
' t  \. [+ V. [1 M7 I4 C( v: ]

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。