埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5084|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love+ S! y! ?  y2 `. F9 c
$ f6 V; d$ ~! P9 n/ b; S
I fell in love with you
7 t, S8 L3 ]( i( G. hAt the first week we met6 Q6 k# a$ i. o

" b( P" |- a+ K, w# C6 j( w  ~You have charm, you have looks
5 Z: L) l% {' mwith full of pimples in face- k3 m# u) l' h8 t; N3 C
As spotting sky at a summer night
* Q) D' q$ C# y# o: L% R4 N. oThey are shining stars9 W& ?' G. ^3 v) N
3 ^9 Z, x% j; c) ?' @4 `
Your lip is so big4 A, b2 L9 o9 r2 e5 c
And that’s good for a kiss
: ^( o: {4 P( R6 ~( Z$ sYour body is chubby
2 T! @7 L) o, c1 JAnd that is good for sex9 r* W8 U' X5 n* l
& ?8 a' z9 S9 j3 F  f
I was deeply in love
$ P$ R/ q! G" s1 H# xEverything from you is positive
( @5 ]; U; x5 p- t. Q' i0 cYou blame me everything and everyday2 h# {! e, A3 R/ I+ P
And I think all girls sound like* L" `, ]. O+ h/ a, B0 R
5 F8 R4 |: Q7 N+ {: s/ S0 Z
You could not stand my eating
" J+ G$ d& N" Z: f/ ^; LSaying no good for making funny sound" p/ J6 d4 F% K- F2 ]) w5 W5 T$ F
I think you are perfectly right, E) H9 f7 K& s
Eating with sound is a pig1 c* i) C5 |9 V

( D4 u+ b2 }6 L5 {1 M, f: @6 QI fell in love with you
" b- D, e7 F2 d$ @2 k6 yBecome a fool to think
% a# t# P+ n. Y" ~7 ^All trouble things you did$ _0 ?) p. z9 p7 M5 r  ?2 J- V$ u. W
And that is the price for love
! P, F( V0 c9 ^0 w" M# G. l! @. N2 D" r
you are deeply in love
$ @3 t+ O7 G( n+ _- |  JEverything from me is negative
: H- f) L4 J' V7 u- c( A"My man should be like this,- N' u' D; T/ ^) C& u9 z+ B* H
and I am helping you to improve': E" Z$ d% W' G

! u/ j+ f  k8 w1 k! p3 BYou are loving me
7 _9 O) S3 n) ^or that one in your mind?
3 J% R4 {  y. tMy mind is like a mud5 m; u& o' A6 w
can be shaped whatever you want7 M6 m% ~4 w; m. ~9 U& |! X

0 Q( L: }$ X5 J) {# [unfortunalety not my heart& W% M4 G8 s$ M; E
It is slashed by you
  u0 _2 [5 y+ }9 Q1 W3 p6 X; Pand I am seriously hurt
7 C( v6 w; d5 P$ ], N$ c2 B6 @/ ~9 b& K
I will never love another $ m; g) O4 f9 T, D
If my heart can be fixed
大型搬家
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
. W2 Q* i0 G/ q8 O: Jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
1 q  p3 C6 y6 }3 S1 _; D

+ J1 p* K' l4 g( x  a8 B2 V( U& d9 H咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
7 {2 W0 d( {; K6 l8 `( }不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 3 \5 j6 I' Z  R  {
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.6 D! F  S5 n! Q" ?& S
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed: d0 }; k* x) a. s: F
1 O. X( |3 j% v3 y$ E
with the charm,
' e' W  q# d, r4 U5 z. Wwith the simles.- `$ T" K- u) m6 y# J" b
I fell in love with you
4 e) p, G( b4 y$ q( k$ {In the first sign., m% V# k: ~/ [8 P
As spotting sky at a summer + q. ^$ y2 k0 ?  {8 U

! _8 H: d9 }' `1 Z) A2 }! a0 Z" DYour lip is so soft
. c$ R9 y, C5 L& c$ nthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss1 ]% c) k6 U& U/ F  j5 x5 s
Your body is so sexy6 P, }; }2 @# c$ w# }6 h2 @
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
5 p& G9 c9 y% x
$ o1 I, {1 k6 R1 f7 S2 n4 MI am deeply in love6 [1 }0 W! e3 }7 B7 n* N0 O0 V4 Q
Everything from you is so charming
' v; X$ R- z6 k" j# ?3 v* B1 Zalthough You r so picky for me
, F1 ^& j# W3 [6 u  U" yAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2." L. a. J  P4 J& F5 A
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem% Q! x* b7 A+ q

5 [. i3 Q- R3 t& ^% ~6 t4 v* y7 J. `
His hello is the end of her endings
0 {1 l) F8 {* r+ b* R# vHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle/ q2 a8 `3 ?% L; b4 i5 q6 G3 U
His hand would be hers to hold forever
* s5 \  ?2 j: u3 K3 Q) CHis forever is simply as her smile 8 H; R5 w: b; c8 W& ]
He said she was what was missing4 @' I( s# C7 }8 L9 S* u. d9 }
She said instantly she knew
3 u! I4 ?2 t, g/ E: f! FShe was a question to be answered6 a) B! G( T# e: H  U/ @
And his answer is 4 c! _6 @6 E$ ?' ~
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
3 a" g7 `- t& a0 Y( g+ q
& O; B- }( S' VBelow is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
  [8 |7 a$ H& g/ `8 h) ]& i' {: V0 B) C
It's amazing how I felt & g  Y) }3 U0 o3 Z( e  T: f
when I was with you: x7 ^* t! G$ Q, @8 p# Z
My heart beat so fast  j# l5 ?, o" W5 X4 L
I looked at you and thought8 d3 P0 r2 D* O
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
3 Y" P6 v) R" Y& _0 l9 f5 t0 c0 ]$ q3 X- X& t' v4 d5 [( Y
You left me without a word; p* ~6 B- d; P  g4 l" g
I have nothing except my emptiness
# }$ |# h8 P- @% @  a! S8 N& A0 ZMy mood is like a cloud
) `% S# `' ^( [3 `8 }4 pHow could it be dispersed?5 f, X! A  }" K$ f6 [' c; K/ u

# N' F1 b, r. ~  a4 {4 P' jFeelings bite my heart & B/ }2 `3 M% N2 {' m
You are the right one I wait) s" ^7 o. B3 ~; H/ g5 ]
In the depth of my soul
3 ~1 _( K& U# mI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美5 z, w" b+ x; C
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 A* q0 x+ c/ o9 U$ y就和用中文写一次, F) L$ D$ q, C4 D) V1 R+ z
阿,我爱你8 R! p8 F2 g, N6 _% [
你让我心跳好快
/ I. h! B! B- x  p8 Z; o$ K你让我脸发热8 g3 M1 [" Y/ R0 I
我爱上你的大嘴唇
* x- \* I- ?4 I- f' H3 s/ U2 P1 }XXXXX
  |! S9 z7 x3 K5 P不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?+ E% k( Z: O1 b8 R( h

4 H5 ]) G: \8 ~0 K1 O如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
2 `8 t7 a# J, w/ |1 v) @9 Q至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
( V8 b! T# }! l- _闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; X4 ^6 N3 u! d你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( t4 A  t% B9 j1 I
就和用中文写一次) B. G- o; `7 E3 A( }
阿,我爱你- J1 v% D1 J. g3 A- v/ x+ K" b- q4 h
你让我心跳好快6 b+ J" n' P0 Y' \
你让我脸发热  L, G) Z! ^1 r
我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 ]1 p0 F7 p8 D/ W/ DXXXXX/ X. T0 e; K! X" r# ?
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
! V" C4 q' p6 M6 M, o

& f) Y* e: F0 ^0 B靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca." `7 T, o5 I% X+ O4 Z! P
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-2-28 23:20 , Processed in 0.176498 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表