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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
4 J( y; _: Y4 c8 K2 U7 b
+ O0 e6 K( E* A1 M3 vI fell in love with you
1 I% s0 Q2 `  Z/ o% A" lAt the first week we met
" W3 b7 `+ D/ _( P( F6 b5 ?  u& x( l; \
You have charm, you have looks4 q4 h) _2 Q/ d/ v7 F8 M7 @5 F; Y7 S( M
with full of pimples in face
- ?* F; f) Z  O3 y5 n1 sAs spotting sky at a summer night
  P; B( T3 r; J6 r$ }7 n8 PThey are shining stars# G' I, _9 |: U; p3 l& ?6 J

0 X* a$ g( m& ?+ m' O3 mYour lip is so big$ d( `; K) d% x) Z
And that’s good for a kiss" n/ O8 B2 t; |0 Y+ P1 r! u1 H
Your body is chubby, y0 y# Q6 g8 W
And that is good for sex
) p/ d7 _$ m. `6 |0 Y6 l3 }( B" |1 H' ]
I was deeply in love
. L/ R- _. A. i* G2 v9 E. XEverything from you is positive* a" z: U/ r: Z- `
You blame me everything and everyday
+ g- O2 `$ T: b2 ^$ vAnd I think all girls sound like  T( @9 D0 f8 b

- u$ j3 f' [+ B* R" l9 f; TYou could not stand my eating* ?9 f9 ~- d0 T& ^2 P3 }' J
Saying no good for making funny sound/ L/ [  g" M# y% k7 J: [
I think you are perfectly right
, x* r7 d8 a/ Q( l* D8 b4 W% K8 qEating with sound is a pig
0 _4 ^5 X3 U, H' F! ?
- Z! |8 Y1 i7 G" t5 W) zI fell in love with you
$ S. S* z  u3 Q6 j$ `* aBecome a fool to think
  C" o& r! |0 k4 d$ M8 GAll trouble things you did
# |/ _4 e3 q* `. O' U4 ZAnd that is the price for love$ q; \% B5 C" j, R- r; q
' M2 Y8 v& }7 E6 M, P, K
you are deeply in love
; G3 `9 d. E8 @) \. @2 Y1 EEverything from me is negative" ~! f! O) j$ p! {
"My man should be like this,4 r7 a5 s7 \( h+ H6 c
and I am helping you to improve'
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2 \9 ~5 [( `) T6 h# @You are loving me 0 _4 k  _$ a2 ^% N
or that one in your mind?$ G+ x0 r0 z6 `2 B/ p
My mind is like a mud2 z. y+ l4 b6 `3 b
can be shaped whatever you want
9 N2 W) I' U8 a- V& u, c$ i  w, I7 D4 f- j0 e
unfortunalety not my heart
7 G9 q8 U1 D, _" }/ W/ R9 DIt is slashed by you
, h; B8 O7 Z! z2 h! d' f" m2 [and I am seriously hurt
' |1 w) P4 l$ V8 S* {4 }' h) L9 @2 G2 D( S
I will never love another
$ B- N& ], _2 g3 v4 }* s% `, M3 ~- E) ?If my heart can be fixed
大型搬家
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 |; B+ o9 p8 s- j3 Y* A( Wmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" i9 e- n$ M% A! y# H" V; J! y4 l4 v6 F4 V5 j) u
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!" c3 ^" W) X9 M
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ( |4 F8 P9 z5 j; z
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.* X0 R+ T+ l. H. ^. D. Z
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed1 s/ B7 }$ u! l5 M7 v

* }4 k) K# o5 ewith the charm,3 m: g7 R" Z9 O! C! f  k; O# w
with the simles.
# [/ \4 \; f" F6 P7 s0 p# W9 FI fell in love with you
% e, L! R. S+ }4 ~2 C& T# u# tIn the first sign.
8 c) \# P, F- i+ [; ?; x/ ZAs spotting sky at a summer
: Q$ u( F% h2 u: r( `" S7 j5 ?# s- R7 G) x/ m' X3 Z. O3 }
Your lip is so soft
8 w. ~% b6 a0 W; E/ w+ T' E7 b+ ?there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss# ^3 V6 @$ e3 A& u9 r  @" o
Your body is so sexy
8 M8 O( P9 m8 d" s. nAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.7 X  [2 U4 T( P' e5 X! D! [
" V" {8 I  _$ C* V
I am deeply in love: W  l5 [# W: m" V: B
Everything from you is so charming  @7 F4 b. g% J0 S' B3 \. e; s
although You r so picky for me : B; a5 p8 S, u; C- G
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
, _; \, M. s5 J- y" Q! t2 VBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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- Q# P9 v: @, b2 P2 i  Y) B: q5 w
  b/ L7 j% a/ w5 f) P8 i  PHis hello is the end of her endings
" M, l7 a6 S( `" ~4 ?# [Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle" k0 v" e' u$ X. |
His hand would be hers to hold forever
+ `: W1 c, z. d' s: |2 GHis forever is simply as her smile
1 B3 U& R8 }/ v+ THe said she was what was missing
+ E5 B% p) u0 R; hShe said instantly she knew+ k* ?4 C: `' r+ \. w  S
She was a question to be answered
& J$ i% T' ~# ^% r' {7 |$ ?And his answer is
- h+ `3 }  X! P+ b1 K8 N: D4 k- _I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
/ {' h9 Q% d, |% ?4 W" u0 o* l. w6 W: j& o. u2 z. \
It's amazing how I felt
: L4 J: d2 s& @1 R; G4 g9 nwhen I was with you. B' e& w! [2 j$ _' b5 U
My heart beat so fast
" d$ S( Y! K6 Q2 [, ^I looked at you and thought
3 [0 u) ]& ]# K* CHoly Jesus, you were so cute/ I4 S% ?2 B& q  Y& y

- N# i1 D' L0 `2 v- V# M0 v/ [You left me without a word
& @8 F0 k6 V  ]* C) b5 FI have nothing except my emptiness
  m  F+ V2 J% U" \My mood is like a cloud0 H0 w3 J% L4 n+ N$ g+ t
How could it be dispersed?1 Z8 u* P; r/ M( w( W) X+ K  ?

' f% ^9 q, i5 p6 ~2 i$ rFeelings bite my heart
( W/ \0 {: p( V: l  ]: kYou are the right one I wait
9 _+ \8 ]% w9 \( u" z4 {3 K  fIn the depth of my soul
- i+ `. A7 k) a& y: d5 i) B" w/ VI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. H2 F, ]- Q) ]5 G  K5 H6 b4 M你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道& l9 `: d5 @5 n0 e3 k1 D
就和用中文写一次
9 t2 K! f0 u! Q5 \+ z% n7 Y阿,我爱你
7 `" }/ J7 I7 n; f. ~你让我心跳好快+ ~0 c& Q5 W: j3 J
你让我脸发热
1 f: Z, B# Z% g3 q8 H我爱上你的大嘴唇
; i" ?( V& {4 I- K( PXXXXX
; \( I; m9 C/ Q不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
9 m  U/ W2 R! m) {& f( Q- w- Y! E
  o2 S% k" y) o; V8 d* A. {) q如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER; C6 p: Y  x, S" S* @+ P; B( |; d
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 3 o! u( Z8 n7 ]* Z6 @1 J6 M
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美8 e3 j6 {& z/ y6 p+ S
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ V9 O( n( A$ ]% @4 I就和用中文写一次
1 ]& Q# @1 G, J# Z1 `阿,我爱你
0 P  h3 k' J' \7 e) }你让我心跳好快5 T! ?6 C5 T+ R% _' P/ ~# A  v4 `
你让我脸发热
3 T2 [) L. i* P/ B我爱上你的大嘴唇( }$ x; |$ \! I2 i5 ]! d
XXXXX
) g/ ?9 B4 X* p8 _不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

  d5 n* R1 p6 A( ]$ U; x. i' X) m: U5 T! l3 k# X# o0 |
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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