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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love& t2 c, U1 L! g4 _4 j# X# m/ e% L

7 O( J" E3 a$ ]0 C9 _I fell in love with you 2 p0 k7 T  D" J" X# V7 Z: ~: x
At the first week we met* I7 L4 _+ H1 G0 [4 L

1 w- w6 V1 r7 s! Z4 v1 a2 hYou have charm, you have looks
& X# O% J/ S: F# Y/ r8 `with full of pimples in face& ~% X. G/ j6 P1 T) k
As spotting sky at a summer night$ Q) i1 k  O0 V* ?1 Z
They are shining stars4 b9 e9 Z: k' Z3 P
6 t6 i4 I! D; p" M$ P7 M3 T  J$ G7 l
Your lip is so big
8 u" H# a4 l- {1 P6 g9 B0 |And that’s good for a kiss4 {/ K8 b& _0 o9 h) i) m, z( E% {
Your body is chubby
( c% [( G2 T( m% R7 HAnd that is good for sex
) b/ O6 f: j$ @4 Q9 b2 ]* g) |, x7 k/ h% r- T- _4 w* P+ n3 k1 ?/ T
I was deeply in love0 ?3 O( t% A; v9 _. \7 Z
Everything from you is positive
) Q8 ?, E7 U  W* _# r+ DYou blame me everything and everyday6 l! R4 l$ u9 z8 y2 b& J
And I think all girls sound like
: ~# i9 Q! D) p, C: v
2 |' B& s! s. wYou could not stand my eating1 ~% B. s, }/ f# N. C( O- K
Saying no good for making funny sound
3 H/ Q; c; b3 |9 I' X' B9 jI think you are perfectly right. |  x0 t: O/ q- u$ C1 G! v% `
Eating with sound is a pig
; H4 g5 s) u; P3 _+ X9 ^  {) a1 z
5 M/ O  r9 d" [5 b$ C! Z6 SI fell in love with you 5 V: E1 v; }. c" [1 u' k2 f
Become a fool to think/ @, `" H$ Y5 F# n* o4 a* S% I
All trouble things you did
: M$ w/ O$ b+ C  ]& tAnd that is the price for love
( D5 w) a9 V2 {
) R: B5 G) p; n3 S! ryou are deeply in love- X/ U1 G9 T. W6 I& }
Everything from me is negative
; ~' f& ]; t- ^; v0 C" u( M5 t/ L"My man should be like this,' X5 L2 x1 h7 G% a
and I am helping you to improve'& R- K( c9 y7 d9 s$ }

" ~. Z8 m% R7 V$ R. ?  HYou are loving me
) b' T* @5 X; |% A; {" q- Gor that one in your mind?. U+ g, P" a5 {
My mind is like a mud
; [7 b9 c0 A" _. i4 f; N+ `can be shaped whatever you want; e  b4 g4 I% d- q0 w- i) b

/ t* e- C) M3 `% xunfortunalety not my heart: K9 J6 Y4 `9 A) k) N' O' r4 h& D2 C; s* f
It is slashed by you
) b! u& r5 J9 J$ m! l7 land I am seriously hurt
$ ]7 ]+ N) N4 U0 J
6 o* l2 M( O4 c, |" AI will never love another
* L; S; _# X3 t! |' pIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
: ~; k, F. I- m: {) Smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% _* y9 Y$ Z! s* u+ i
% T& t1 i4 u; @4 N# n咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
/ n, x' Q6 D# v% u9 ~不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,   \: o% L, k+ z2 V& R* Y0 C/ \
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
0 q1 ~- A+ m, U# r# KAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed6 a2 E  O2 Q* G4 i* I3 |6 Z

# f0 f$ K" N% Y; X3 m& J/ a2 twith the charm,
7 W/ {' U  }3 g' u0 y! Z" a# [with the simles.
- L) ^; {/ R: hI fell in love with you
: q; O$ f$ @, T: y" s3 eIn the first sign.: @  g# F; @6 _0 R- n# e
As spotting sky at a summer * v7 t3 D! m0 X& Z
' c9 V% R0 z) p6 L, c" M% h
Your lip is so soft
1 f% }0 g$ O6 q. c/ p/ @0 vthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
0 p! A. q6 n' N, BYour body is so sexy& h  W+ b$ W- `9 H" i8 ]5 `
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.7 x: D2 E3 H8 W4 Z

8 ~) U6 S& E" k$ ~: O" B5 aI am deeply in love
% ]) Y# M' m5 e# ?6 {; mEverything from you is so charming# p/ k3 F( p* q6 p' V; z: i
although You r so picky for me
4 i: l' n' u. N* ~And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.# @- q6 G* X! F  f' o
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem# v/ a" T( t2 T1 {% G8 C/ }

( J/ Y; R6 P$ X7 w1 K# i. c
8 {9 O. b) F/ ~; [* F- o3 hHis hello is the end of her endings
) u* G6 J  V9 F( SHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle5 N2 j7 K+ ]3 T$ ~6 V2 [! r
His hand would be hers to hold forever$ }2 s+ J6 u7 x3 `! I6 |
His forever is simply as her smile 9 L2 x' q4 Q0 k$ @- W  w  U
He said she was what was missing( S4 O' k8 t! D
She said instantly she knew% K2 @; `" n- Z) d0 j" z+ m
She was a question to be answered5 m" H+ S/ h% ]' o, A9 e2 U4 `
And his answer is
0 Y9 I9 ~! t$ BI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
0 \/ |& D' A( Q4 J( N+ b) G' P7 z$ i! f1 G
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt6 @, |, P& O, y: s. e/ y) x% s
1 [* U5 `4 K5 I* v# u$ V# O5 R& I7 l
It's amazing how I felt
; ?/ N! Z3 S( Q: [8 Z0 Jwhen I was with you
' z" n+ a0 c7 b3 g. C6 ?4 P6 vMy heart beat so fast
) `: ^5 ^& q1 V6 \I looked at you and thought
$ G6 x; u: v& t% z. E! y# |: BHoly Jesus, you were so cute" G* @5 ]  b, l6 ?. C

0 a+ F$ B' \2 c8 HYou left me without a word
' r' u$ i" W+ v1 E$ c9 O/ HI have nothing except my emptiness
3 G8 \* Y5 r4 g! HMy mood is like a cloud  A/ Q" W4 i1 b; r( g  W- i
How could it be dispersed?
7 |2 b% q  }; Z8 B- u2 q7 Q6 t4 M- \7 n  |# {5 k
Feelings bite my heart
( o5 O# B5 Q+ `; d& X5 r3 u  ^You are the right one I wait
" w/ S5 G: `/ wIn the depth of my soul( v/ Y) D$ p5 C& {
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美2 i0 {" S' t1 [
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道0 I  H4 @$ q) m2 w
就和用中文写一次5 i" M6 R8 y4 G. F- k/ T
阿,我爱你
3 v# a9 K3 Z, k/ u5 {你让我心跳好快  I; X+ r, ~9 t4 s2 B
你让我脸发热
. @9 \! K- ?  @0 c我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 w& a& F3 `3 O5 |: _. |8 IXXXXX
2 [4 \  X$ z8 @- E2 }% t3 |不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?# I' G) A7 I5 v7 T7 Y
% S9 p1 l3 E9 A8 k4 S
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER5 {9 T( r, W& |% L
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
% h! ^$ j" o: P4 F闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
4 W" M; _0 T" j5 u3 G你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 h- U; Y* s0 Q1 z  ?$ K5 z就和用中文写一次4 O/ A+ L5 w# ~! N& A# v
阿,我爱你
5 z7 R  _. s8 R6 F你让我心跳好快! ~8 Y5 o4 X3 b( V  X4 h
你让我脸发热
4 m. ?- Q3 U/ Y# O我爱上你的大嘴唇
# o3 L& r8 o- d2 BXXXXX0 j! E( n1 L/ D; U1 p
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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+ X3 ^' x# ^, \3 h6 s) ~0 n
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
, X, q/ s: m2 M
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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