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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
$ a) ?) J2 T4 Y, E; b. m4 k6 M
% ]9 t% ?* ?" @- EI fell in love with you ) p/ t- X7 S$ _$ r; @! F
At the first week we met" }6 A, F, x8 B% Q7 {

* k: k- d- o- A, ~# @You have charm, you have looks3 \; a" v1 S! U( u+ @2 i6 A; X9 r
with full of pimples in face
3 T) w, R7 X: W4 W7 DAs spotting sky at a summer night8 O, n* {4 ?  F; E# r% M3 X) S! L
They are shining stars
2 P9 c) K# q8 _+ m( e9 e( a) W' [3 W2 R) M# }( _
Your lip is so big! l4 T8 U: |! V0 u6 x' P
And that’s good for a kiss' k4 f# |; ?' ?: c
Your body is chubby
3 k6 R* V/ F) U' D, w$ jAnd that is good for sex
, n" F( F& e0 V0 W; b# {0 n) }
: B3 v' @1 c3 E. F% O7 ]1 u8 BI was deeply in love2 @3 j: F  D. K7 V: o# w
Everything from you is positive: Y( p! L2 p2 l2 n, R( b
You blame me everything and everyday
+ N: \+ U7 l- p9 @& O  r! gAnd I think all girls sound like
# \' W( l  d3 E: k% ~- A' r; f  f" M% A) k! n; a
You could not stand my eating
8 z( G7 n+ ^1 ^4 o  Z% hSaying no good for making funny sound5 ?8 x$ E  V/ j6 n" o( r6 _% P$ J8 h
I think you are perfectly right
, p7 D% M5 O$ e( I, w$ B3 K3 w0 cEating with sound is a pig/ _+ v" o* Q8 f* U6 i

# c5 `; k5 k% W. n4 V! L0 }I fell in love with you & u, a6 f7 R7 m8 b4 ^0 u+ U
Become a fool to think" p  M' k& D5 ^* a  b# A! T
All trouble things you did. n# s1 \5 d5 n# g8 h
And that is the price for love7 B& ~* s5 V6 C7 O+ G/ @( t
  P8 a$ r+ F6 U, T; ^  j9 k
you are deeply in love# |4 g2 @  }" F, G9 S0 O
Everything from me is negative: i7 n7 f! a4 _1 l# e% H
"My man should be like this,
/ [) i: `! e' e6 {9 U# Vand I am helping you to improve'4 a: H: @. ^" Q, B9 g6 R
7 b" R5 z  B0 X$ i1 L
You are loving me 3 I' H: V! D( N
or that one in your mind?# j' |% p3 \6 D5 y: I. E, c
My mind is like a mud
! A3 j; Q" g! Q! \: M, Qcan be shaped whatever you want
6 z, @6 ^/ A( ~5 u5 w7 P# N5 W& i% v- C( O: @3 T" m0 @* D& @- ~3 `0 i
unfortunalety not my heart
! f/ }5 l5 y0 J! N$ J. iIt is slashed by you
3 {$ i2 ~0 e0 e) \1 Aand I am seriously hurt
, f# `& d  {; j* ^3 k7 ?1 F4 j# H) Z; {) X, \
I will never love another
8 V  f8 @/ Q- RIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
# U/ H, g  C, {* C) o0 i& u" Omy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
/ B& k( u6 V8 [# F5 |

3 s& A3 v1 F( y& k0 i咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
" f. E+ W1 Q6 H2 n# M0 X1 A) }不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ) c& R6 n$ `. @
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.9 Z; U' u: }2 i; h
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
( B7 H# j& _* k3 @- i3 s* J6 V9 h7 g9 H1 q' {" ?% J; f; c* J
with the charm,2 q& Z7 g6 F/ u+ I, S
with the simles.) r2 c/ D. d$ Q" ]; c7 z' ]
I fell in love with you
1 k  P* a$ |$ t. j! fIn the first sign.; E! }3 x, S* z  O2 J  w% r
As spotting sky at a summer
) g- a5 K1 G+ f8 l+ T3 z# A  z2 K& ^& O) |+ v* v9 W
Your lip is so soft 7 y1 B4 f: Y- \) ~" H. X
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss5 B8 Z0 l# o9 j
Your body is so sexy
% ^8 @$ ]' X7 j/ w) Y: OAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.2 _9 M% H' T0 f# G
0 P. _( Z+ `, y' P. h
I am deeply in love
9 Z: z* W* z( ^& N, DEverything from you is so charming6 f5 K  M2 \) n2 F1 P
although You r so picky for me 3 V- t2 f- w+ K7 \% G8 g0 d
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.- M+ Q. z4 P' K- y9 q
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
3 {: n6 \* ~) j
% h6 m  c- P% e; z% \2 ?+ p
; \7 l: h4 B- f& `  E, P1 X/ bHis hello is the end of her endings# P/ H/ d5 j# s% _; x' v
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( d' a! d; n, }, [! s3 a+ d/ BHis hand would be hers to hold forever
0 X+ {- Z# M% DHis forever is simply as her smile , K$ `% z# T, k7 c) O5 p& u/ Q
He said she was what was missing
3 v6 @; l0 |0 u- }; U( a$ t) O1 bShe said instantly she knew; r1 P  }( `8 _$ k$ p
She was a question to be answered
  k& `$ v; }+ Z9 o0 U$ d% WAnd his answer is + \; \: @2 L: i9 s
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas: U% C# p4 f5 E# o# n

- H( f* ]: j+ _$ GBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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. S9 ^) I5 l$ k$ w8 LIt's amazing how I felt 6 f& G+ c) A; y! X% w; ^/ Q# o  f
when I was with you
7 x# I8 ~: [7 JMy heart beat so fast8 @) @( y* e5 P
I looked at you and thought
5 A' ^* \: P$ e+ x2 aHoly Jesus, you were so cute7 M5 l3 F. N4 X& p( c2 T
2 y# R9 D9 Y& x& u
You left me without a word
, t  o* `  |5 U' ~I have nothing except my emptiness3 P# |' K% e9 C5 p$ v# {
My mood is like a cloud
: N+ _+ J9 X0 N5 NHow could it be dispersed?
+ p( Z5 m9 e. h# _% c  ]8 C( D3 {# c" L* d5 T7 H+ g
Feelings bite my heart 8 A& e- b5 e$ K/ E# P
You are the right one I wait0 m6 e1 X3 w* z4 w
In the depth of my soul* B4 A5 G% ?! E& ^$ }
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
* i! T% m3 W& z3 P. G9 c% o你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% l* `7 M# M: o' c$ K0 z
就和用中文写一次
( u* u5 E; s" J阿,我爱你
+ N3 G- }( X2 }$ g# @8 K7 k你让我心跳好快
1 q1 B( \( c  w, m& p- i3 N6 @你让我脸发热
& K+ ^. v& s+ a# R: l7 D我爱上你的大嘴唇" S) l$ ?  Q! F6 b$ x8 K
XXXXX2 a+ Q! u0 ~- m2 D. p& ?7 H+ G4 z
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
3 M( D' ^5 Z2 q8 O7 \) H5 e, a6 R6 G, w* ~5 H& J' `
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER# D4 d; S9 l9 a6 Y
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
1 x8 D" ~; g4 g  B0 m, @闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 i; \7 p4 N+ g1 x. g( R8 i" U' B你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道  V0 O2 z, z# e' C3 f4 X
就和用中文写一次
6 S' n, b5 T/ V. G- z阿,我爱你
3 l3 _" i- S4 A; @, m你让我心跳好快
- f- F6 V7 }0 e: [你让我脸发热9 [& Y1 p" m" x6 |6 _" Q" |
我爱上你的大嘴唇" ^% m4 z6 Y/ R3 l* O( T
XXXXX
. H0 a4 @  K7 M8 ^4 f  ^+ _* v% l. \不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

' \& F( \2 u5 i$ @
$ e* m9 T! i* x. q, R8 L* K9 }靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.4 n/ y( Y; P% x# o+ d
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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