埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5004|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
. t" ?6 `( c1 _
5 B9 P5 Y  [1 n5 ^2 ^, t! {I fell in love with you ) {6 a5 h  z  R
At the first week we met- [' h+ D& i4 n; b
3 }: k. u3 P% t: l; j3 l
You have charm, you have looks
* p% e4 H/ j( _with full of pimples in face$ Q( U! _) h7 A. X9 T4 j
As spotting sky at a summer night: ]) Q' }/ t8 D& ]( G# b) u- j& X
They are shining stars
8 Z, C3 F9 y  E; R! a" \6 _7 @7 S3 r
6 W. r4 a! ^7 R/ D! z2 G) m: i1 SYour lip is so big: D0 \; n& |: c* y$ m  `1 R
And that’s good for a kiss) E' F: @% Z$ g( ?
Your body is chubby
( b" e" F1 H" B5 ?) p" c: iAnd that is good for sex
. j: [, q& C; e/ p% Q8 _& h# Y
; U+ y# h( F* s0 Y/ XI was deeply in love
: }5 S, {+ H6 e# A3 M* Z& \Everything from you is positive; T9 \3 {* L1 s( W) z$ C" [
You blame me everything and everyday+ f% w: R. d5 N
And I think all girls sound like5 v1 O  O. ]2 T5 j* u# C5 O

* B/ N- l' T: e; |( Z% ^1 Q6 gYou could not stand my eating
! t) H/ C, Y5 B/ KSaying no good for making funny sound
( J7 B1 I5 N; G( ~I think you are perfectly right
) p" Z4 F6 c( H2 `) x( d& u$ BEating with sound is a pig! G. w6 f, P. Y( K' u% V/ b

6 r2 p2 |7 d( o. |+ fI fell in love with you
, \2 }8 C5 \5 [" K3 eBecome a fool to think. |% z+ ~& X, E9 k+ k& n$ K- V
All trouble things you did0 w+ W$ u7 Z! r. D
And that is the price for love" I; _" a) y# \8 j
& @" @: ]) f( R7 M( `
you are deeply in love% G7 T5 Y+ Z. q
Everything from me is negative
" b4 c  c+ E/ N8 y9 N3 J"My man should be like this,
$ O& T% v- y" g7 \1 W, P$ zand I am helping you to improve'
: l/ J6 Y8 b- z; U% r# Q# ?, k* m& d, t: L  a
You are loving me
( p: [3 `& m. Xor that one in your mind?
, Q! }/ A3 X0 P4 y* f5 IMy mind is like a mud
! M+ {1 g3 r  v$ Rcan be shaped whatever you want
5 X# M# `% |+ r9 o4 ]6 S  E- H2 k
/ t# Q: ]( n3 Iunfortunalety not my heart
( j* E! P3 F0 E+ Z/ SIt is slashed by you , F9 c( t5 p! U7 s# |6 n) w
and I am seriously hurt$ A, H; i+ N  ^" J( B5 H

% K# I" [; n, y8 O; G! S9 m6 N3 ?I will never love another
, z3 s* o; ~7 S& I4 T2 aIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
3 [6 p( }5 @9 H' p5 a. H7 }' d5 z0 amy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
- N) J' G- G0 }

, {; g% h. Z: b咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
4 X: @( N- G0 a不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, ) I7 ~7 [0 N8 J2 V6 l
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
# S. l7 C$ ~1 t% KAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed4 j7 p9 e" C2 m! _, V' s
. N, f# P' O, y: T; D2 z8 c
with the charm,' \. Z& k9 _, z2 p* P  ?( Z
with the simles.: @  k$ g' S& C* E3 O# {+ k0 P
I fell in love with you 7 X8 p; k  l, `# V& G/ a, A
In the first sign.
1 D8 |0 F2 a% _As spotting sky at a summer
1 H- S, X# h5 Y
8 Z. l2 T' t. K- a! |Your lip is so soft
# h% g/ n& u# Pthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss% [4 C' _" ]/ u( _, H
Your body is so sexy
  c) j5 b3 [6 r. l! R' r/ MAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.. i3 |! E( W9 a6 s
8 S# |+ _) S3 R, g
I am deeply in love  M0 L- H, B( I4 f0 l2 N& @  G
Everything from you is so charming2 l  A6 O4 J& l4 O
although You r so picky for me
$ O. b- [4 r& J. W1 TAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.' g1 c! ?" P( `  H- a
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem7 q" H. ^( j9 Z2 H( x6 Z

0 E2 y6 w: @& z( y" z% _0 O8 z5 s* C3 o. S# h
His hello is the end of her endings4 K5 Q- A# l0 d0 w% x1 m* L1 k
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
5 [' P: j! e9 m# J3 w3 xHis hand would be hers to hold forever* M, q& U6 q" ^+ ?0 o' h. O" }, ?
His forever is simply as her smile
' G) w$ t8 |$ j, P0 |He said she was what was missing
, N" l: a, }- t9 A# P# Y/ S( Y# BShe said instantly she knew2 s9 ]' h. W+ A% v9 }# e
She was a question to be answered1 g/ u3 w2 s$ r& {
And his answer is
1 v" ^, {% Y# V: a) `, B2 w* T7 X! X6 ~I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
4 D  c2 p& i5 E& _  v
% W% [+ I1 R# OBelow is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
9 E; a% k5 r5 U- A4 ?; ?6 I( o9 @% o7 `! X; d9 ~$ G& R" `1 p+ ^
It's amazing how I felt   d9 L! o) t3 [2 Z0 B' s6 @& z7 G
when I was with you* Z% \* r/ }2 O' ?
My heart beat so fast2 j/ ^2 U4 k) a* A
I looked at you and thought5 n9 o( A4 [: V# C4 V. P
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
2 A9 |  i- y) O" z! B- f* |2 h( R4 h0 ?1 o7 O% K: l9 V, B
You left me without a word
8 m9 }; G  M9 u( L4 p; ~I have nothing except my emptiness# b- J6 Z8 v# S5 u: p  b
My mood is like a cloud) q  S' W3 H  @0 [
How could it be dispersed?( T2 N" d, d- ?7 {3 s3 B9 _: E
8 Z( n) u2 T7 {
Feelings bite my heart . c% [6 N: v) D0 Q5 X
You are the right one I wait
: V# K! u- y( V& b3 L  D$ M+ dIn the depth of my soul* m' h* y( Y5 F, q% Q% t$ x
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美8 {/ v# M2 s! t- v) ^" f
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道0 c6 d5 J. G4 s1 b  |& ~. Z
就和用中文写一次% ^; R2 A. l; J' Q9 E; t9 U
阿,我爱你# `- W3 b, |" @! s8 r# w! e
你让我心跳好快
" Q2 v5 V5 ~! S6 `# A& h你让我脸发热/ r5 ^  w2 P# m" s& v
我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 K- ~% v9 \- PXXXXX0 G+ a6 \6 K: c4 M" ~2 W5 Z- L
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
, k0 D1 k: @5 c, c2 ^4 \8 c( S  l3 F7 @* s8 }
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
3 m5 [7 P( H3 M至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
/ K2 T/ U) \$ t' B$ g闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
0 I  V. r% O5 s4 V% r: n+ e你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道* l6 z. V0 ~2 R( M3 \. }
就和用中文写一次0 ?) q: J( Y7 K, ]+ C( ]
阿,我爱你
, c- @0 @" [+ r, w你让我心跳好快
5 ^* M! S5 O6 u- H: d1 O你让我脸发热: P5 ~. G3 B  K% O
我爱上你的大嘴唇
# c6 J8 i# d% MXXXXX
8 q5 B# w% |8 T$ C不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

" d& I( ]' {+ K: k' P" w7 I. ?; `$ O
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
( T4 ?# f% Z8 R$ M! q2 G' P  S
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-1-28 16:09 , Processed in 0.179273 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表