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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love: E9 h! M) a6 l# h
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I fell in love with you   [5 f1 v7 S. B: V, v* y0 Z  u
At the first week we met
1 U8 {! `" x9 ^, j6 U- o
4 |9 x5 [% f, E5 X+ _/ [You have charm, you have looks$ {5 E7 y4 \, k! S
with full of pimples in face; f: Q2 [2 f1 w8 \6 h
As spotting sky at a summer night
8 H7 G9 q5 ]( x+ Q9 m6 r) yThey are shining stars
( a/ Q* {& U9 y# Q/ p" d3 x" i3 B: `* j( _( w( ^
Your lip is so big# n, P6 o0 V7 r! K7 L$ |/ w& }
And that’s good for a kiss
: d3 B: j$ W  q# |% @; n8 ]; UYour body is chubby
. W& x& a& Z) F7 uAnd that is good for sex
+ L( R: I9 m( T# H6 C! }
  r! ^, N8 {8 k( v7 nI was deeply in love
* l" @. Z  P7 ^, XEverything from you is positive
% s% Z: n- h  g* BYou blame me everything and everyday
: N, z# }( T7 A2 M: `9 t( XAnd I think all girls sound like, l- ~$ V- x# D' \$ m

. b6 `/ x$ `3 O* f0 qYou could not stand my eating% q6 N! u: L$ w5 t  C4 |6 o4 |+ `
Saying no good for making funny sound; k, X; U: q8 ~  W1 x# ?! H
I think you are perfectly right) w- n4 ~+ P  x. V0 y+ O
Eating with sound is a pig
' [# b7 c' G1 `  ^1 Z
+ g1 F5 D  F' W, [8 @/ v' m! VI fell in love with you
6 }4 k1 G( K/ e2 B; lBecome a fool to think2 `/ D& \& \% G6 h" t. J; g
All trouble things you did
+ V/ N, m) O6 S+ Y! PAnd that is the price for love
! U3 v; q7 l+ E# p) Y
* q' b8 [5 E* a2 I% E: c9 d' @- O+ Byou are deeply in love: d' b2 Z. P5 u& h# S
Everything from me is negative6 N, q7 Z4 V3 Z: T8 L7 n$ A
"My man should be like this,7 A) v( p& L& U( b8 o, S- T* c5 }* F
and I am helping you to improve'; q3 E, @  o( n$ q; _
' r2 B% J& a8 ]. m* ]: {" O
You are loving me ' r7 z1 t3 P, H) ?- w: Z! Z
or that one in your mind?8 u; b5 u$ D% ?  q0 q+ k
My mind is like a mud
% |9 i# E2 A0 f! Z$ g& ], [# v! C7 ncan be shaped whatever you want
2 E8 K7 G( t$ r! a- a" m
+ R/ p- _/ s+ B/ [; q  q2 d/ T3 Qunfortunalety not my heart
/ o* O# a* t# S3 b2 ?9 a: S6 z- ~5 gIt is slashed by you   g1 K* ]8 \0 y
and I am seriously hurt
2 `" H7 k/ t- w: R! o6 E. p7 U2 `( a7 r4 E
I will never love another
4 y0 K6 g# x9 X4 E7 j) ^If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
0 ?6 {+ w' }- r/ [my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
( J- y7 W8 k6 \. [# }' n: w
1 i+ b: q/ e" `& v$ g! u* G
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
* L8 Q8 f2 s9 d% E3 J不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, + S6 |) n* Q& E. B: `* n
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
% K7 L3 }& f: |0 K# CAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
$ p9 t; R: a# _
# ]1 T- `4 F) }; {1 b/ x8 I1 fwith the charm,9 l3 O& D9 K, r; {, f
with the simles.
% g! d' Q! e: ^% I' v9 |+ }) O3 ^$ DI fell in love with you 1 |  A' T2 i9 `. I: y6 g( Z$ f
In the first sign.& ?( f  n3 W) E" A
As spotting sky at a summer % ~! a4 A6 f! C* {

1 d# |  l. S' J( u( W$ fYour lip is so soft
1 w2 ^  e4 p7 @5 f- Rthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss1 ~* x1 J. b1 A3 Z8 w7 U) N0 ^
Your body is so sexy
+ ?0 ~2 R8 t/ V) V' d' YAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
% c0 G  v/ z# Q. v4 b% ?4 W/ w, r. q* a! }6 j5 x
I am deeply in love( D' p) g& P' Z6 m
Everything from you is so charming
2 O" r3 s3 J0 r# jalthough You r so picky for me 0 ^  A: K, b& T& H6 R# C3 I7 W
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.3 R# m5 h2 X- `" {5 \- u) A, |) G  t- r8 p
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem" S& }5 r+ S& h* T* O8 b5 p' M

/ _0 Z) l- O+ m( U( m' s/ T5 x% u/ l" ^
His hello is the end of her endings9 h+ }4 U4 V1 ~* g
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
, v* h$ x# I1 }- V# xHis hand would be hers to hold forever
* }$ O$ P. I* n$ M. m7 f* L6 |$ IHis forever is simply as her smile ( G+ P: M" ~8 N
He said she was what was missing, @* w( c4 E) f  L( c, v" x" ~/ h
She said instantly she knew. z/ z" @7 z2 y  n$ L4 r
She was a question to be answered- {! H8 ]& n$ g+ S+ |8 h" ~
And his answer is - Q/ z% ^  U+ l
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas  Y# I4 }4 y) z
7 |% _# T& F( u2 W0 s7 M
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt  J$ U8 }+ l, m! x1 q
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It's amazing how I felt
1 K; N8 O2 v) i& Twhen I was with you
! W5 u0 |* ]& ~4 ]' @, [% G  k) iMy heart beat so fast& v/ i& i1 }8 k" F
I looked at you and thought0 C/ t! H2 H2 j1 D9 M) H
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
) M4 v" S2 l+ T# T4 P4 d1 V( v5 O$ n4 U7 f& J
You left me without a word" m# n: `8 m. G2 Z% f) \6 _
I have nothing except my emptiness
" }" b/ }6 h# \) jMy mood is like a cloud
# q# O# k0 @# z: B) L1 \How could it be dispersed?
' Y: D* @0 g: U$ |  B2 _
1 K/ N+ T: a( F- h' jFeelings bite my heart
8 C; o9 ^0 ~0 r  NYou are the right one I wait0 g) {% @3 K% |" U( Q: p
In the depth of my soul
- h/ n* s3 x# v8 A- T4 e$ ^I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 t5 G2 m  }+ ~$ e3 a你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( Z8 S, j# M! X; Y0 P8 K
就和用中文写一次
2 G4 N5 `# l' [4 S# d2 D阿,我爱你
  R* O  ?# A4 |* G' ?' c- S- f3 p你让我心跳好快2 S( s7 G  S: H' o2 a0 u
你让我脸发热1 I1 V' O8 Q3 U+ ^; ~4 X9 w8 C8 R
我爱上你的大嘴唇
* K' p+ f: H' M/ J3 x9 FXXXXX
/ E4 e) M; a9 H5 s7 ?" Q- N) h不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?% u( C. w0 ]& Z. q! D' p' q; ~. m% {

' V. d) P/ h/ X如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
( |& |* r; I/ f$ h% \至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ! h  Y- o5 ?/ p. A1 d$ L5 M
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美5 K0 n, v+ m' B0 L" Q
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道, r! ^. ]3 b  @! [& m5 W+ I+ V
就和用中文写一次1 {. i9 |/ r. L7 L2 T
阿,我爱你
5 o0 J( e2 A( I) w: p8 R你让我心跳好快
' I+ p9 h) f# {) d5 l你让我脸发热9 W' D. L3 `5 L/ @; L
我爱上你的大嘴唇
! @. X, V* p. L- Z& f7 Y* R( QXXXXX
  l- x+ A7 Q% U# s不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
8 X2 G0 I! I1 _/ `6 ~9 I

9 w  i+ w! \' K6 O6 C4 n' v靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.* b1 V- y) @) H# F% n( N* L
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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