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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
: r; e6 ^2 q  I
+ L+ O! |7 p2 t; t- AI fell in love with you ( T7 j' r5 C8 t. C5 I. x
At the first week we met
* V, a2 ^5 o% H
/ ~- T; s1 x! z% l% s* q( PYou have charm, you have looks
" P- k5 t% E) \3 Wwith full of pimples in face) d# {- D6 M" \. q* i; b8 G" a4 `6 l# s
As spotting sky at a summer night
* n+ x+ s! `! VThey are shining stars
; T2 @* s  A  M6 b  s/ Z
1 s2 P% M/ ~8 d  o! ^" @Your lip is so big0 e( C( Y$ j  d6 _
And that’s good for a kiss
8 v7 X4 L, h& Z$ J( Q* x0 U; \Your body is chubby* H7 I9 x' k: f
And that is good for sex
; X! E9 e4 n7 t  u2 Q% @  i2 l% Q7 ]7 q4 ]
I was deeply in love
2 {$ H) M8 Y* [4 iEverything from you is positive6 A) p( P5 B4 t* H6 [: e
You blame me everything and everyday
; L% V6 ~* P1 {And I think all girls sound like
4 E, b( U3 z( Y" x: j/ n
$ A, |4 I, s/ qYou could not stand my eating
$ {6 b1 O3 V/ \; `6 oSaying no good for making funny sound
0 F; L+ b$ L* U) ZI think you are perfectly right- |' ^" X. l, v
Eating with sound is a pig
( g4 }) C/ E8 t  U
" ^+ K% x7 W1 c* D+ R" VI fell in love with you
6 N, E5 e& k" a0 g6 cBecome a fool to think+ {( S9 Z3 n* g
All trouble things you did
4 I/ R: `9 c4 c& D: h0 kAnd that is the price for love
% V3 g1 L) l: _* K9 w& m" K4 E" J4 m9 l. E
you are deeply in love
$ ^4 n2 X% a3 Z2 z/ O* }* X2 ]Everything from me is negative2 I# P$ h# _! C/ Q1 R( Z
"My man should be like this,  ^. W, P7 R/ {! K& H8 _. r, f8 z
and I am helping you to improve'
5 m$ y6 _9 j9 a: h+ k  m
& o/ p, L: N2 r4 GYou are loving me 2 ^9 q; k% W' m
or that one in your mind?3 l% Z2 S3 i8 D0 M. Q' }
My mind is like a mud
( f* y% L1 H% t! e' Ccan be shaped whatever you want5 \- a; s' _3 ~+ i1 G+ \- x- D
, R* m+ E3 }8 J
unfortunalety not my heart- k9 o9 J4 s( Y  U" [7 U8 W  D+ y
It is slashed by you
! r- X$ |3 N; m7 ^+ t& \7 {! U+ I& _and I am seriously hurt
1 @' g! {# T8 ^5 C' r9 d1 \8 t) V' B7 }8 }
I will never love another
# h; P" n5 O1 e& qIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
2 g' Y6 Y1 b9 F8 Ymy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
! p" Z( @! l2 [9 A- d+ k

4 G5 j9 Y- b$ n- u咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
# P1 W/ Z7 |0 w8 S9 l3 S不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, - X; a6 U- J8 h
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
$ _4 B8 P0 P1 F- X1 {$ t3 `/ RAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed( j8 W2 U9 j: P  Y+ g
) k& o# {1 m! i( `7 k$ j
with the charm,
7 }% ~0 Y5 z" b, E8 O0 q  @with the simles.
/ j. J/ x- m2 ]1 C6 _6 ZI fell in love with you
9 f. p1 e& t+ u* G4 F- H3 ^: H& OIn the first sign.
; Q' x: E& [! H1 i$ BAs spotting sky at a summer # i, F3 Q7 N& U" f8 z% |$ e  r0 c

: {4 W7 z0 }$ F. Z: RYour lip is so soft & K: U7 C$ B+ d+ [0 @
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
) T2 j- n3 P6 L! i0 T5 YYour body is so sexy
& R0 [; ~$ C5 n% \7 ~And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.2 l6 F: ?( \4 S3 x+ ~

% ?, f$ J  c$ D+ SI am deeply in love8 S9 G' f1 D3 R% ~. E
Everything from you is so charming
! I# ~+ c5 J' a" T* d: xalthough You r so picky for me
  P5 P. S9 V" e: D) UAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
' J  G& y7 U5 j$ N, X* GBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
2 Z& H8 v  a7 E7 j9 v9 z" E3 X- Q' X% U2 ^7 X: {

2 Y1 C, K2 Q6 x* L! f# _His hello is the end of her endings# G4 z1 X$ [: f/ A
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( x5 g  r* j. D6 \5 EHis hand would be hers to hold forever: t3 P; M, \4 d/ A
His forever is simply as her smile
8 p) h) R1 [7 [* CHe said she was what was missing3 u( t; Z+ }9 g7 P. T2 ^: _- O
She said instantly she knew8 V( W: J6 W3 a+ @
She was a question to be answered
7 {4 l; M) c/ E+ nAnd his answer is ) \5 \3 h8 |! E3 r/ x* W
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
6 i' V3 A( ^, P1 S1 a# Q  F" P$ Z* M8 H* T5 N
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt* _) x) c% R: Q; a
# b; f7 w( S( m  P3 b
It's amazing how I felt
" Q* ?  S7 e' r: gwhen I was with you4 {* a, V1 G5 h
My heart beat so fast
( S, [3 l" {/ H. D- }9 TI looked at you and thought
- S5 s8 t0 |+ h( j7 j3 SHoly Jesus, you were so cute
& q2 y  W- d- s5 V3 `7 _5 B5 C' D* T, G9 g: D" V
You left me without a word1 T/ }! K' y- s$ X8 A5 p; c
I have nothing except my emptiness3 A6 R+ A6 b; u
My mood is like a cloud& M9 _/ `: k! B6 Q
How could it be dispersed?. V: C& K, k, M* P

( j; {# o: n" X6 P5 GFeelings bite my heart 4 p. q0 ~; `! M" G. i
You are the right one I wait
1 L+ ~# b- T2 j2 K/ x6 H1 YIn the depth of my soul. V; @5 {2 }7 {5 @; a
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美1 I+ E, S" S4 T. C4 C% p; \
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 ~8 G5 |3 A7 e: z' {; w就和用中文写一次
3 ]( I0 r, }. ?: R) q' v  _5 V阿,我爱你  O. f" C5 ]  }/ \
你让我心跳好快" h; w7 o( o  j. J: ?$ q) e) A& ^
你让我脸发热
1 s4 I6 |8 k, [+ h! T我爱上你的大嘴唇
' x$ ~8 d1 J- A$ U7 ~, S+ @! v/ ^) YXXXXX) }, c6 J; Z5 f' h$ l* C# E* t; G
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
# z" [& ]6 q- ], a9 M) h' L, D( h6 q$ T( m
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER* K* _/ M1 O: Q* X# O) U
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 * ]9 A; n" j. V$ n1 }
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美3 F8 e" U! B9 H  Z6 d5 K0 A( U
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道# w9 U* {$ |0 E( b' Y- \
就和用中文写一次, b) H" _$ h5 Z3 o! h$ J; i
阿,我爱你; `. W# E5 M  T3 L
你让我心跳好快, L3 K/ E  G$ |3 j* i6 X8 c0 |
你让我脸发热7 ^5 o5 Q+ u7 n( G) k4 n" o! Z7 z
我爱上你的大嘴唇* u( u7 A* w/ y, m* r
XXXXX
  z1 V5 G. N0 R4 B, u4 Y1 @不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

) V% J5 [3 C- L7 p" w" ?7 p# y8 r7 I8 a& X' O9 x
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
8 M$ ?7 }9 Q+ b/ g( B6 @  ?
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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