我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
$ K3 z2 C# ^1 R
& L; W5 C; h1 p5 n  Q, y1 y8 MI fell in love with you
" U5 P& a& E6 O% P5 z- GAt the first week we met

. S* x. a7 \% u( B9 BYou have charm, you have looks
' x5 z* D8 Q: m, \with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
& L1 t7 P( ?- S. H$ D
Your lip is so big
) Q, f) _" U% o/ p7 sAnd that’s good for a kiss
* L3 ^, y! t# i. I/ o) ]# e! K3 zYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
& {; \, J3 U7 i+ W, UEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
7 R# `6 N9 W/ D- E, P' rAnd I think all girls sound like
! z! ]7 O" e3 s" X: H! B
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
4 {9 \5 t- g0 \I think you are perfectly right
& t% h* e8 z5 w* u2 `  aEating with sound is a pig

1 C8 N6 T, @% b" _3 LI fell in love with you
0 k+ |. }3 x( `6 |/ M1 b9 |, s5 WBecome a fool to think
, t7 q9 k) [" t& D' vAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
" E& h$ I7 t8 E
+ g: x3 P" |8 L& Q1 U9 H6 myou are deeply in love
4 }9 u" \3 D% D' M, L6 k  w$ k5 f( t2 GEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
0 [( a. e* |! p& F$ h6 k' |+ K2 Nand I am helping you to improve'

+ {; d* g1 q# L6 \You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
3 z* [, S" E# _' [+ aMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
* B, M' N- q) ~7 Z" n# M' a. J3 h
% w  j+ T3 g$ K7 T8 c/ K; l8 B2 ?. w: aunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
' r  F. w" {# o4 X" fand I am seriously hurt
5 b% q' w3 c3 X- g4 U" ^
" n( y1 z( V* bI will never love another
( `4 t( p+ r) x$ Z! T# lIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" o% R+ d9 b$ m, I咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
; s& Q- o* a/ K8 d9 ]$ a不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

, f: \! L% ~; ], |; Jwith the charm,
0 \% D8 `! A# Y- w) Q% X/ [with the simles.
7 w4 q* h! g. V4 e" tI fell in love with you
4 k% M. K/ ^8 R* e" n5 {In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
' q6 G; P+ E" N  g) x
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
& I7 T$ {+ g$ O( \4 s, F2 hYour body is so sexy
7 b+ F" Q5 f# {7 rAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
% S0 Z0 j0 V- T/ G- g0 \+ sEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
& d5 N. ?4 A& n/ OBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

) I( g( `! u/ Z2 G
1 G7 H+ @1 z+ R! K  oHis hello is the end of her endings
% s& `. \4 Y% P6 L; }Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
" U$ g- W, H+ Q; yHis hand would be hers to hold forever
4 F" F% E! y- \$ Q& \2 ?% M3 r$ eHis forever is simply as her smile
; J# l, }% ]9 C- X; ~; NHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
/ J2 g3 k6 D7 _1 FShe was a question to be answered
! l  ], q; J' @4 A& iAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
+ y1 n5 P0 L" r7 o  Z
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
9 M5 b& C% u# v* |7 \3 k/ D: [% LMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
% _/ t: T$ H" A, X2 ]4 X+ q2 [' iHoly Jesus, you were so cute
3 d* e1 `! G& H& r
# _8 h) c6 x$ A: gYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
! X2 ~9 H$ R7 A. u1 F
( k/ V/ u0 k" Y* L5 c( H  cFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
) r6 e' W+ K3 K0 o& tIn the depth of my soul
3 p4 Q2 ^2 U+ TI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
5 P) q8 q, J% g; |5 W1 ~  O" A+ F阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
: g0 g% U& m/ o. q% V5 S3 W! f我爱上你的大嘴唇
6 v( k' _' v# c3 bXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

' }! \5 j' V* S- N+ }( l( p* }  s如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
5 }' }! ^% C, x3 G闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ f/ t, U; E. Y  Z就和用中文写一次
( ^& w* B* Z% Y" `: |7 |阿,我爱你
5 k" }3 ?; p" N8 x3 E你让我心跳好快
+ ^. z  G4 f3 H4 U; x% r. Q你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
! H! \# O1 A: B1 o5 r不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。