我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

/ I+ B& J$ @- u4 c5 X. K, rI fell in love with you
- z9 T8 w$ N# ~/ ~& [At the first week we met
# U* |0 J5 k  ?( T5 J( t
% O8 ]0 v8 f6 |8 K* tYou have charm, you have looks
- V2 k- O& G# a0 E; ?with full of pimples in face
3 A0 @& ~, d# G+ V4 \. HAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
# _7 z, C, d. U/ g6 c9 h
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
% m; S* s4 Q, I0 W3 L, E5 g, [1 OAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
. w0 W* |* Q0 o* f7 e; f6 P2 b) M1 SYou blame me everything and everyday
" ]" N: b* }, C6 ?And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
( U3 c" Z& G2 W) H' eSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
0 }3 N) f# s4 @. B8 P- ~  XEating with sound is a pig
& @+ p3 g% p' S+ Q8 l+ b! D
3 x3 L3 X' F! O4 g- E  L. qI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
2 ~* {5 D! f7 o* |, [& A"My man should be like this,
: F& O0 M& c) C5 P" fand I am helping you to improve'
1 E3 _9 I  u/ Q. v7 H6 D
4 U0 E4 ^1 B9 O, `3 j) vYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
  m9 ]& |, ^; I7 ]8 `( Lcan be shaped whatever you want
; P2 C3 H6 R- R/ |5 A
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
3 v: T4 J# B0 J% U1 g
- @& V& g  `% r0 M: Y+ ^' y, _/ F* II will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
' P4 V% g2 M7 @" ^my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
" ?* _# G' {/ e$ K- b' ]0 I1 j6 L不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
6 N; Y* k2 X  Q- c. c% O; Z, q2 Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
+ K" X6 c3 I5 J7 ~! C) vAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
: {. K1 O: C7 W( TI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
+ k( D) A. E& }- _# A0 U+ j, Mthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
7 v; Y6 n: n1 E: |4 r4 H/ ?0 hYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

* F, L; G6 |: @I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
  ?2 p; i& r2 r/ ]- Y% f. V' z! Zalthough You r so picky for me
" l0 ]% n: k1 r# R  g; G7 c% \9 FAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
6 h; o) Y# O6 ?; VBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

3 u( m& R7 Z: f% ^6 ^! w# A# H$ \
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
  |+ f- n, p: XHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
: g! ~4 Q' {6 F6 R9 |He said she was what was missing
& N/ Z( @% ?8 ~$ MShe said instantly she knew
9 D" d* @7 i& ~! QShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
9 U- O$ m7 W9 v! |$ J* II do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
7 ^7 P* {  o1 {5 C
/ h5 a  Q! m. M1 y0 uBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
$ p7 C/ U. b9 a, z+ h
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
5 Z3 ^- g+ R* e/ T0 Q0 e; `8 r) yMy heart beat so fast
. r# p8 L1 d( g; z3 e. |I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
% B( d$ L9 V4 X% b, X. U& j$ [
You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
7 ]6 ?  ^7 I4 p' i/ t+ \+ yMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
4 a3 z5 j: ~$ F1 h" a+ ^# x  a
Feelings bite my heart
, t8 |# s% D( I% i# J8 N+ zYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
' I+ g& o( ]" M8 Y# V* aI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
3 ?3 S* P1 K* m0 G1 W阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
: X3 g2 |9 L; e) e7 c& i- V/ Q
* P4 h# z, F9 X. i2 O8 o如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: G8 n' Q$ _1 s你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
. U- U2 h6 \% z& f- q' l* H就和用中文写一次
; s: X9 `/ k( m# K' ~* m阿,我爱你
  C( e+ A6 X3 `4 v/ h你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
1 y( E1 E$ l1 r1 V# Z我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
$ N$ W3 l- r& h3 d不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
& K" Z) B) ^- x6 n. g% Q% q

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。