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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love' y0 ~9 Z* `9 s

6 a; V$ U. C6 E2 tI fell in love with you 0 a- V) N. O  N4 H
At the first week we met* V4 w8 w4 F" N
4 O. ~# [8 c3 q/ [
You have charm, you have looks# y. W/ @+ _3 Q( R3 d8 h( E
with full of pimples in face- H# a" M/ [# [8 x6 ^4 ?6 |
As spotting sky at a summer night  }* t8 }. p& [% ~7 W) h  ~) S
They are shining stars, |1 x9 ]8 G( Y5 a, F5 o% M5 d4 m

" B$ o  b- z( }1 v9 d5 l$ w" d  SYour lip is so big
1 J* `$ K! z- p  P5 xAnd that’s good for a kiss
7 }4 Q. Y! W4 |5 E' \$ u8 {Your body is chubby# T1 R1 C, l& G* [& m0 B- c
And that is good for sex
# O% @+ S3 z; p
$ h* Y  |  g* X$ C2 x- e6 JI was deeply in love
+ e: s, n! H7 b, V' ]4 l1 H' @Everything from you is positive
  T0 m. ^0 F- Z0 q! t, eYou blame me everything and everyday
7 t! d* H% f+ gAnd I think all girls sound like
& u% o5 z- b0 x. I, {0 {2 u3 g' H* V) W5 E
You could not stand my eating
" N% _$ z+ q0 T9 l# hSaying no good for making funny sound* b6 `2 G, I$ A5 m; |, T! f! R
I think you are perfectly right
# y# b$ }* }4 K6 @0 KEating with sound is a pig
. o% d2 t/ p$ W& X) p( a# L& A! {
I fell in love with you
$ r; N/ S0 ]$ U4 SBecome a fool to think: ]0 A. I% ?/ ?4 X
All trouble things you did/ r) R& W* }; q; w+ O/ E/ s: ]
And that is the price for love4 m* O0 e! X; L3 {2 Y% Y
$ G# u- \# h: q0 \; l  _
you are deeply in love
& [* [# _3 J. x; FEverything from me is negative) z: \+ ~3 k$ u# |. z2 ]* h
"My man should be like this,  f1 C0 c) p/ E/ `, {
and I am helping you to improve'2 H. A4 n5 Z9 z4 H% U; d! M
3 k8 H% j% y9 H" [0 o: f: ~
You are loving me / z6 ~! i! \! R, K
or that one in your mind?% t) r2 W6 B7 {& ?* _
My mind is like a mud, L: @5 T& @2 I9 w
can be shaped whatever you want
2 j$ K. V* z$ i& T! c( ^
4 u, X& r+ e& G' \+ s7 Zunfortunalety not my heart
- \: ?9 \* x- T& q- fIt is slashed by you 1 h4 r" I+ z, l! T' C
and I am seriously hurt) i) m/ X8 q# g( ?4 y+ f# y

; n3 W0 ~+ H  A% W, @I will never love another
% t6 I- j: [, _5 _' v3 GIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ' w0 c0 A+ B1 q; _  ~. t$ v
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

) h' }* |* L# [. b* e, a" _2 |7 e9 w
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!4 x; e( {  @2 W* Z. H
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 8 H% k4 T+ b4 |9 Y& C3 q
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; i8 ]& h6 r! K( ^And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed' S  O% e3 U1 [8 X
  f. x3 z3 F/ k. U
with the charm,- i" w, H& \+ j& b* H; n
with the simles.
! I& q6 J+ X' }. u6 H- G- EI fell in love with you
. {4 ]7 T+ z" E2 J% ?* fIn the first sign.- [. Q- `+ V* y% z6 O' [$ b( w) M
As spotting sky at a summer
, _+ \0 N/ x1 b. }8 f; p3 ^9 \2 M" H( h  }5 p  P
Your lip is so soft
( p) z- c* A4 y0 y2 Q6 K; m7 @! ]) ?% m! Rthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss1 v- A& m' c7 u( v% |
Your body is so sexy/ r3 _, N: f' k$ i8 W
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.4 j8 t! V3 T6 c- q( |7 ?3 b9 |

9 i8 j! A! y7 R. C3 HI am deeply in love) Y2 ^9 J( y3 F& D' Z; L
Everything from you is so charming
) V  E' n. D' n7 u$ |although You r so picky for me
1 }) B. g) N* J  ~& [, b5 I  mAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.- V: Q0 k. {% J; H( X' p. n) n) C
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem  e, b. @' v$ O8 X$ `* k

( B- r/ s' y+ P) U* h: k
6 M$ o, i% {2 `6 `# z6 u9 J9 v# vHis hello is the end of her endings
( S1 V/ j  ^, P7 q' Y9 qHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle5 a3 T8 ~8 y; D0 ]6 h
His hand would be hers to hold forever; o* m5 ^# z* Q0 f' |6 a1 ?7 t# H, B
His forever is simply as her smile
5 N/ |+ ~& h: e# L% b6 VHe said she was what was missing
/ e& D: i* e) n3 p0 \' \She said instantly she knew
8 m1 u1 e+ |1 `2 M1 J8 ^( ZShe was a question to be answered
2 \8 Y$ }. `% T0 `+ CAnd his answer is & U  Q+ `* q) [% z% T' ~
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas2 `. W7 u: ~1 L$ @9 z7 D

6 j7 V& F4 y3 T/ HBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt3 ~8 j/ Q& a3 b/ z- }

8 U, `& f, a) U; k  h) ?8 vIt's amazing how I felt " t  c; S/ P+ N% |) r, T8 K
when I was with you, G. J1 q9 x7 k4 m/ N3 b* P
My heart beat so fast
' M# J% W4 s% @: \I looked at you and thought7 K* n# J) Z: Z5 p3 K
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
8 {+ u0 [5 @2 b: [, v( E0 e' |! W# V* f1 T
You left me without a word( K3 E% d/ b1 T  G# c/ J2 ^& M, A
I have nothing except my emptiness
( m. {0 k  _- sMy mood is like a cloud
: K* M9 A9 p, U1 sHow could it be dispersed?
; O7 K: b/ v7 J+ ~4 F1 X% L5 u, q) |4 V
Feelings bite my heart ) `+ ]( H) H0 J4 t: q
You are the right one I wait  L. t0 B/ a- x. ?4 O& L# w
In the depth of my soul; ]; H) v' h( W) Y0 Q1 Q
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, e4 p( f+ ?. o% F9 H: x/ x
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ r9 j; g( t6 L0 D+ c就和用中文写一次
( F' K9 R! j! u" ~& i8 b* p% t阿,我爱你
! Q! {/ n! i) _& j* X, t% X9 }你让我心跳好快( j3 b4 O' P4 j4 |! Q7 K' x
你让我脸发热% n& O  B# S! @+ f/ n, ^
我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 o/ w! k  j8 f1 g3 q- k. Q, sXXXXX
3 U' T. c8 l5 }5 {3 ]# R3 I8 `不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
$ M1 {" O1 P0 t# W( Z! J" ~  o6 R) ]$ j( O2 Q
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER8 b4 @) N" h" V6 U- ?, d+ V
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
* I' a1 {4 o' b# e闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* q  K# V' s  }7 G5 `
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
  E$ o# I2 q$ r9 b! j" ^就和用中文写一次
- u8 y& D+ L3 j% I; A/ G4 [1 P阿,我爱你7 j  G, m! y& ?, y2 R( P
你让我心跳好快$ }& o& Q$ d- u% ]& c
你让我脸发热* ]! O8 P+ t( t1 p6 q/ j: q
我爱上你的大嘴唇
( j! J* ]. i/ N; I$ dXXXXX
+ ]5 g. z* W  u' L7 S2 o8 ?不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
" K1 n! S  Q/ S, M

# e) N7 ]8 y- s) r  G靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
: x% N# e& [6 _, T
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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