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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
% q% N7 L$ y9 f. z" f" T
2 J+ K7 z! r6 m( K* J( ZI fell in love with you
+ [; b/ p) O4 F) HAt the first week we met* e4 b, Z9 i% b
. R+ o4 Q. z2 P! n5 i' A* p& w
You have charm, you have looks
+ w6 L+ ~( |7 F) p5 F/ y' `5 lwith full of pimples in face
) Z( H/ }0 n1 O! ~2 ?7 ~5 D  eAs spotting sky at a summer night
& V6 D% K( n4 qThey are shining stars+ P3 k! a( A. ^& w$ O. W

# Y8 s1 l: l' T8 H5 j" LYour lip is so big& v6 }( ]* d  e' l* D3 S) T0 I
And that’s good for a kiss
8 E0 s7 Z( d4 _( T3 g+ `' wYour body is chubby' u# g3 N# v6 X  o; k
And that is good for sex
% N+ W4 v1 c  e! \- J8 p- n% f& Q. R: |% V! n  N) o3 c: D
I was deeply in love
' u, X) s' G6 n1 x: |- B  {, REverything from you is positive
* Z8 h; d1 O& Q6 p2 I; fYou blame me everything and everyday+ ^! p" s* k7 b
And I think all girls sound like/ p( w& E! Q+ U2 }# z6 a7 \

# a6 ~  q4 c3 y9 \* G2 [6 W5 k6 d4 ^You could not stand my eating# w% o8 E3 f- K8 K& q
Saying no good for making funny sound: t- H6 A9 i: Z/ M$ R
I think you are perfectly right
* a& P1 h( H3 o' e1 QEating with sound is a pig2 g  @2 \" l$ [, c

! ?3 T- Y8 y! F$ X8 n  DI fell in love with you
+ P7 ?8 \7 w# ?/ f6 gBecome a fool to think
! w) J1 Q* x0 F! {6 B. h  j3 |All trouble things you did
1 S+ A- ^- m/ Z+ MAnd that is the price for love
# D- Q- p3 `1 L  k" v! I4 O" x# J8 x7 H$ N6 u
you are deeply in love
- h. N7 q. j9 ]Everything from me is negative3 `( U& @8 {5 m3 G
"My man should be like this,& Q5 c) s) c1 _' r
and I am helping you to improve'
: O2 ~0 H3 c4 o
# z! {3 w  j1 E( G  Z% }" _You are loving me 9 Y' T" F: d7 `! |6 o0 S9 R
or that one in your mind?
" Q- t0 B4 b3 Y5 r% p2 V$ I' DMy mind is like a mud1 x3 U8 K) h6 W" o2 A- v/ O% ~
can be shaped whatever you want7 ?% K6 e. S7 n$ s6 p' U! z

, _9 m' u# ?# {2 A, y+ funfortunalety not my heart
7 J2 H$ V2 b( I' w+ SIt is slashed by you - Q- W7 y$ T9 g0 h' B
and I am seriously hurt! v( u- b5 o! |9 U! i
+ p8 ?0 j; [  R& y8 _' ?3 P% |7 O. j4 x
I will never love another   b9 l; ~6 K1 P3 Y: D) A
If my heart can be fixed
大型搬家
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 , n6 E- X) @& w9 p0 S: @& g4 q
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

8 J. z" @: S# S2 ]7 X  J7 m& T; a7 E4 D7 s5 C! @
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!1 n6 Y* m! _% f0 j: t
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
& r: N5 v, s% fi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.  w9 S1 j, R1 I3 A
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
. \) }2 d# s5 u. K4 M
+ }; A% A# E$ u' z" z' ]with the charm,
& k! g4 G5 S  N' I+ _with the simles.3 O$ L! d& m3 _5 B2 P+ L$ T2 Q: j
I fell in love with you 4 j/ }6 q8 E! S" x8 ?- H
In the first sign.! a4 a% Y9 @: m# z4 m
As spotting sky at a summer 7 [. \4 M- t- I, {! D( e& c
  I3 b- V! f6 b$ m/ F8 D
Your lip is so soft 8 P8 P2 D5 ?% \. T9 F
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss* [& v  Q8 w( m
Your body is so sexy
' F+ y0 C- f3 p$ H3 b7 g" ~) jAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
; D, }9 }0 }. s9 h" C* Z5 N
" U1 r  k  P: v, Y# u1 `5 p) A* [1 BI am deeply in love7 x5 E: z+ z. _0 I. f" G
Everything from you is so charming5 T2 r% i1 \8 F4 W8 P8 Y9 J0 M
although You r so picky for me
& L$ U2 x6 e& i6 @* K- `And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.! L# i& ?; r: }, r( ~7 i  B
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem6 j' ?5 N- ?3 E* l6 O
3 @2 d$ D0 l( h4 x

! L% ~7 G, ^$ ^; k+ t' x/ CHis hello is the end of her endings
" K, J, X: f" s. ?5 ]' ]% ?Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle4 N4 b/ \9 X$ B8 `, d# ~
His hand would be hers to hold forever$ }! p9 P) S& ~# P2 O
His forever is simply as her smile 7 t2 S/ z) D, X& K$ _6 [
He said she was what was missing4 A+ ~- N+ f+ h4 [4 ]$ Z( ~: M. g! a6 b
She said instantly she knew$ K% M6 r0 ]% R2 @
She was a question to be answered
! ~1 B$ G) t2 ?* z1 i( nAnd his answer is 6 Q, Z; X8 a3 t6 x  H. N) A
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas1 V/ n/ u8 q" X8 A
; Z# f+ z1 B/ |0 {$ m" `$ V$ t
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt2 ^! z) S0 V. f* J6 ]4 W# J, v& y
& O% D0 ?: ~9 l9 N* _- W' z
It's amazing how I felt
% n5 }0 }7 I; W+ bwhen I was with you
4 U  m" {5 }$ s6 E! _8 vMy heart beat so fast9 t* Q4 r5 d" s5 y# c$ e
I looked at you and thought
# t8 c0 ?+ S' G4 Q' ~( QHoly Jesus, you were so cute
8 w: h* E* G) L8 p2 d& Y8 P. }9 M/ Z5 H9 Y0 e% E
You left me without a word6 q; Y2 `5 P$ x1 o
I have nothing except my emptiness
7 k1 E- q, B* d8 Y) Z1 hMy mood is like a cloud% e, Y- _" l9 a. U: U% f7 F( A
How could it be dispersed?
2 A7 ?3 \0 l, S: H0 [6 @5 y+ {& K' v4 w+ e1 P) e( J$ }6 |
Feelings bite my heart
' }: ^) ~- G9 X/ [You are the right one I wait
. e6 }4 U) H7 a# a0 IIn the depth of my soul
7 v% a* D+ q& ^! @: Z# b) R% I: lI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美& p7 P3 h$ @7 b! `# C/ r
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ {8 X6 ~8 R- Y5 u/ M就和用中文写一次
- g0 o0 ?) h$ S2 }: c. k阿,我爱你
1 V; b% F4 k( [2 N# z8 ^; I你让我心跳好快: {2 S8 ^' h: e$ e8 M9 B
你让我脸发热) S; G2 M$ t/ F" \  c, P9 |" t
我爱上你的大嘴唇
- r5 V7 ^. M$ s" Q4 nXXXXX' Z' o. E+ f  f- T4 t" w
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
: k' p: L- e8 Q/ C0 G9 e- }, }  G
) E4 m- E4 \* h! \如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
$ O+ ~) N) [+ Y' S; O" l3 j  y至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
8 R0 ^; E- p& N3 K+ M闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美  J* j" u$ J3 m/ ~$ i9 v
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 i# Z. A. T# j& ~' L就和用中文写一次; g% N6 J: ]& x5 u
阿,我爱你
% Y  y  H9 J; F& B& v你让我心跳好快+ h1 l; v5 t% F) N: n( M9 e) A. i
你让我脸发热
# y( y$ R5 }: |# ?/ V! T我爱上你的大嘴唇7 W3 ]# @, {3 H% _
XXXXX+ \  b" Q( k8 a2 n/ n6 U
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
; n" n  d3 o0 Q. x# ^  U

; S0 ^9 j$ w( H( j8 e+ o靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
7 X  F; a, U4 I2 k9 o
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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