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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love. z/ |9 W- @8 K0 R- W# |" j

* `! h  c2 F! O( x  s7 TI fell in love with you
$ q' w4 [, n/ X$ f; ~At the first week we met
# D( q* H( Y" `* ?. U$ r+ b" S
, D2 w0 [; ?) O4 x4 U  ]You have charm, you have looks* k& P8 d* @: X
with full of pimples in face4 K* W7 R+ s7 l# q6 y  D
As spotting sky at a summer night2 [5 ]( F  H3 ]* A2 C
They are shining stars, w+ V0 C! }. x. N
+ B# W- |* a$ ]  w" [
Your lip is so big  f; i0 D, y& A1 [
And that’s good for a kiss! O+ `) N$ m1 Z2 ~2 s. v
Your body is chubby
' R8 F) x. ]: o% f6 SAnd that is good for sex1 D6 H& A# u* R' S9 T, \# s
) [9 x5 a! H8 d, a' x, `  E
I was deeply in love) ~- {; W+ Z/ ~( _: ?
Everything from you is positive
! R* L! m! `" _! U) {) E+ C- CYou blame me everything and everyday+ t2 M; F/ s6 w- U/ x# a
And I think all girls sound like
& n; V, |+ M: @6 o" P
% U' Z2 f* N& }! S4 k5 S2 SYou could not stand my eating
- U% Y( z+ q5 u" p1 ]3 y. Y+ wSaying no good for making funny sound
" Q5 B( Y# r9 n% g/ G5 C2 F  gI think you are perfectly right; p% b; f/ x, r4 L' D
Eating with sound is a pig
5 }6 z. ^1 Y; f& o% t' P+ O- H5 Q/ l+ e
I fell in love with you * Y+ B. N4 P+ {: v  y( k; d
Become a fool to think. b8 i, {* Z& S, M
All trouble things you did( v( H! {  z! c/ f: \
And that is the price for love- q6 C: T' a7 ^0 G/ V
% w$ x4 X& v7 [  R
you are deeply in love
/ W9 ^4 j( N7 x) L" n$ ~Everything from me is negative) I' I/ R0 C2 C  n% A7 O* D- c- v
"My man should be like this,
* z5 P1 L5 V; r' ^9 Z, Y5 c0 y% rand I am helping you to improve'
! Y- h1 J% ~' e4 ]& c' ]8 T9 u. C9 A1 @. Z( J3 t3 w+ `' ?9 S9 f
You are loving me 8 y4 x' ?- f# f6 l' z
or that one in your mind?
6 o) S1 s5 T) b+ Z1 X) E; @My mind is like a mud
, {! L2 d- f+ r3 s/ A: Lcan be shaped whatever you want! w9 J) \- j' @; U- `! ?/ Y
! s4 M5 A1 p+ }1 X2 \
unfortunalety not my heart
4 v, K4 R& U* K  hIt is slashed by you
- c, c7 G; _( m( \; r* [$ Band I am seriously hurt2 \& E9 H5 q  `/ F

7 p8 G. {! b" r2 Q  iI will never love another 7 l) m: ]# H1 T0 D4 L2 |, _
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ' g6 x2 V& P2 w/ @( O. M& Y$ s
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
$ Z: s3 r1 x: D& \  E
- d+ b: B1 A% D  t* o
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!/ W7 I  r9 Q9 l' j
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
* ]! @( l  f1 Q/ \6 ~& Q- `i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.; F' e2 q* g! `- @! f
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
9 a' A. \( h" @& Y# n6 K6 j3 ^
% o# W, @+ D* e( D, C- ]9 k/ _* ^4 Twith the charm,
- f, B6 k; [4 K7 A% P& ewith the simles.
1 `8 {" F* `: p+ g# s$ G, h* v/ PI fell in love with you 1 A1 U2 T" v0 r. N8 p! r
In the first sign.
) x. e; {* ^( ^/ f; o, ^As spotting sky at a summer ; k  d9 b0 ?, V; R8 ?

5 ]* c2 G% ^& V/ ~6 V0 ^2 EYour lip is so soft
: A2 q0 J: L  R# p, ?there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss$ Y( U4 l( C; X
Your body is so sexy7 T; ~, S$ p4 c
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
. T: E0 r, Z: M* `/ Q( @8 O0 o6 Y  q9 Y5 E& g
I am deeply in love3 w' `4 ?. v3 T6 E+ Z
Everything from you is so charming* i' O8 O2 ]) w- A2 `7 I$ I; [* d
although You r so picky for me
2 h$ a& C3 I! t' [. L% I& MAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
, F1 c" a7 A( k! R# R& JBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem0 k" V3 t* ^; o: {* P

/ [3 x" y: ?1 r' r4 ?6 y$ Z. g4 C, s) F9 M2 Y! \% l2 `% G
His hello is the end of her endings
  I/ ?* `7 n8 O0 y: b! G. DHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle  y- P9 n& ^, r: j5 T( X
His hand would be hers to hold forever: W. m% k- l* m
His forever is simply as her smile 6 a2 z6 i3 F4 B% ~9 z, q$ `* O+ I8 ~
He said she was what was missing
. ~5 G, X- L, n1 j+ g& EShe said instantly she knew
% Z* M% |+ l6 ], r, IShe was a question to be answered8 w7 ^3 c' D% B
And his answer is ( A* w# ]  o; J  R
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas) g. y9 ]% g; _* m' n2 _$ [% n
0 J0 S$ \& [% x1 I  o1 \* ]4 C" `
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
; Q& k+ a- u! D8 q  Z9 l$ @2 c
6 J) F( h; x2 z' {& L2 m" kIt's amazing how I felt
7 x1 _- b% }% {$ o9 cwhen I was with you
6 B/ o$ H+ J/ R" ~/ F6 TMy heart beat so fast3 b  Q: S  P* ^. X+ i/ \( x# N
I looked at you and thought; I3 w/ @( Q+ b# M
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
: a. D  n( V- f* b* q' T# L& f4 s$ h0 e0 c4 D
You left me without a word
/ v% S+ p. Y. K) \( _, _I have nothing except my emptiness* s( E8 q  Z8 O( A2 @
My mood is like a cloud
% w* e: L4 _. h0 D8 lHow could it be dispersed?# W9 Y0 w( L7 x% \9 x8 m. A; ^
! d* h" W0 e! o2 j
Feelings bite my heart
) [0 {" u" F% Y) DYou are the right one I wait
3 }. V/ f4 [* j2 rIn the depth of my soul
% A$ R1 I( ?0 x4 E8 ?8 T6 lI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美3 T) |$ \, U7 k4 b1 d: B
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道0 q3 G: d7 l' q2 Y/ d, `
就和用中文写一次
/ f$ L( I, E* F! K5 ?! l+ \阿,我爱你
+ D  X1 o  U9 Q& F) e你让我心跳好快
: s' B* A+ {  ^- ]你让我脸发热. V/ \4 n( S% e" J
我爱上你的大嘴唇3 h( n1 q% }5 {  d) W2 v
XXXXX
# d5 u* N* H+ G1 Q' N/ ~4 t9 k3 s不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?/ Y" _9 |$ a  N  J& d
7 J: O8 u7 u+ r7 j& p. o6 a
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
, U( [+ w: W- q( P5 \" b至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 6 M3 S# q. {5 {& o2 I8 |& t( B
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" \" g# v8 [+ q  g+ R7 P0 {
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道2 Y. b& C/ b# e( ^; w
就和用中文写一次
0 o9 j$ A1 v4 T阿,我爱你
; l  _0 y2 H; H; m& R& V  b9 i* P& k你让我心跳好快
0 a8 X0 O+ j* b: Q$ A- j2 N你让我脸发热
0 a& p$ v, I- }: V' ?我爱上你的大嘴唇
! y( _/ }; l1 s9 [XXXXX
2 U; }+ s0 @2 j* P, @# {4 g- S不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

8 Q) a4 D( ], s% s& v: @4 j  A( V1 x8 G: i& \  {- u
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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