我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
: r; e6 ^2 q  I
+ L+ O! |7 p2 t; t- AI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
* V, a2 ^5 o% H
/ ~- T; s1 x! z% l% s* q( PYou have charm, you have looks
" P- k5 t% E) \3 Wwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
* n+ x+ s! `! VThey are shining stars
; T2 @* s  A  M6 b  s/ Z
1 s2 P% M/ ~8 d  o! ^" @Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
8 v7 X4 L, h& Z$ J( Q* x0 U; \Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
; X! E9 e4 n7 t  u2 Q
I was deeply in love
2 {$ H) M8 Y* [4 iEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
; L% V6 ~* P1 {And I think all girls sound like
4 E, b( U3 z( Y" x: j/ n
$ A, |4 I, s/ qYou could not stand my eating
$ {6 b1 O3 V/ \; `6 oSaying no good for making funny sound
0 F; L+ b$ L* U) ZI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
( g4 }) C/ E8 t  U
" ^+ K% x7 W1 c* D+ R" VI fell in love with you
6 N, E5 e& k" a0 g6 cBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
4 I/ R: `9 c4 c& D: h0 kAnd that is the price for love
% V3 g1 L) l: _* K
you are deeply in love
$ ^4 n2 X% a3 Z2 z/ O* }* X2 ]Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
5 m$ y6 _9 j9 a: h+ k  m
& o/ p, L: N2 r4 GYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
( f* y% L1 H% t! e' Ccan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
! r- X$ |3 N; m7 ^+ t& \7 {! U+ I& _and I am seriously hurt
1 @' g! {# T8 ^5 C
I will never love another
# h; P" n5 O1 e& qIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
2 g' Y6 Y1 b9 F8 Ymy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

4 G5 j9 Y- b$ n- u咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
# P1 W/ Z7 |0 w8 S9 l3 S不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
$ _4 B8 P0 P1 F- X1 {$ t3 `/ RAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
7 }% ~0 Y5 z" b, E8 O0 q  @with the simles.
/ j. J/ x- m2 ]1 C6 _6 ZI fell in love with you
9 f. p1 e& t+ u* G4 F- H3 ^: H& OIn the first sign.
; Q' x: E& [! H1 i$ BAs spotting sky at a summer

: {4 W7 z0 }$ F. Z: RYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
) T2 j- n3 P6 L! i0 T5 YYour body is so sexy
& R0 [; ~$ C5 n% \7 ~And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

% ?, f$ J  c$ D+ SI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
! I# ~+ c5 J' a" T* d: xalthough You r so picky for me
  P5 P. S9 V" e: D) UAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
' J  G& y7 U5 j$ N, X* GBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
2 Z& H8 v  a7 E7 j

2 Y1 C, K2 Q6 x* L! f# _His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( x5 g  r* j. D6 \5 EHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
8 p) h) R1 [7 [* CHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
7 {4 l; M) c/ E+ nAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
6 i' V3 A( ^, P1 S1 a
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
" Q* ?  S7 e' r: gwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
( S, [3 l" {/ H. D- }9 TI looked at you and thought
- S5 s8 t0 |+ h( j7 j3 SHoly Jesus, you were so cute
& q2 y  W- d- s5 V3 `7 _5 B5 C
You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

( j; {# o: n" X6 P5 GFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
1 L+ ~# b- T2 j2 K/ x6 H1 YIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 ~8 G5 |3 A7 e: z' {; w就和用中文写一次
3 ]( I0 r, }. ?: R) q' v  _5 V阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
1 s4 I6 |8 k, [+ h! T我爱上你的大嘴唇
' x$ ~8 d1 J- A$ U7 ~, S+ @! v/ ^) YXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
# z" [& ]6 q- ], a9 M) h
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
  z1 V5 G. N0 R4 B, u4 Y1 @不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

) V% J5 [3 C- L7 p" w" ?
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
8 M$ ?7 }9 Q+ b/ g( B6 @  ?

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。