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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love+ p, C( m; X# P
3 }, t  M5 M  R6 y# D- n# ]
I fell in love with you / C$ U3 @7 ^! N8 ?8 f+ H8 ]
At the first week we met
; }1 j# m7 T4 s  ?( d% [* q; z
* L) d+ h* D1 H1 f) j" y( y$ vYou have charm, you have looks1 A. @" \* ?" f0 t+ N
with full of pimples in face0 s' C; f$ g! J; \; T3 D: F0 D
As spotting sky at a summer night
5 P6 V# l; j- G! H; w9 yThey are shining stars5 r, ?1 o* ^" v$ L: i. Z7 {

' p4 f: W/ W% Z5 o! TYour lip is so big- r8 G4 K7 u2 `, e8 G
And that’s good for a kiss
* u, a& x+ v# f7 x- ~4 b1 u" B8 Z) mYour body is chubby
, y7 Y" S( ~( y) [" _1 T* G6 p2 TAnd that is good for sex
2 m0 N4 B0 g& T9 @( c( U5 j: K+ K: [8 X' t/ L, O
I was deeply in love
2 t- j2 ]; z$ xEverything from you is positive
6 M( G/ u) s5 a! i. m5 PYou blame me everything and everyday
" t. N7 a' e' ~: ~6 d' |# }4 h, fAnd I think all girls sound like
# f5 q/ E0 M' x9 w, a& X/ Q, {0 v" p# A+ x8 |) _
You could not stand my eating% J4 V' c: C, E) ^$ @/ q! q
Saying no good for making funny sound8 L8 W+ l% E1 q' ]# E7 A
I think you are perfectly right8 A% Z9 R6 d6 G( ]- }
Eating with sound is a pig- A+ U8 ~  b8 k) Y( Y

6 Y9 s! y2 P6 M- ~& Q& @I fell in love with you - P3 N8 g( E: W$ D
Become a fool to think
$ F  c2 w5 W5 @/ kAll trouble things you did% B# R# F3 S. a# B9 d# Z. x0 k3 [
And that is the price for love4 a5 m2 L% F$ O1 d+ T

9 Y: _: \7 P6 ^9 pyou are deeply in love+ {4 A" v0 Q  e
Everything from me is negative3 q' K. L7 |4 z
"My man should be like this,
: Q( d# B4 ?% e+ T6 ?% E  nand I am helping you to improve'$ N2 t; O/ q* ~+ U/ J# Z
, C/ m1 S; @7 @/ L9 N, D
You are loving me
: M/ D7 U  C/ }& Por that one in your mind?
6 Y, ^/ U" }! Z% u  E! X) CMy mind is like a mud3 t: R3 m& e3 y3 o) y7 ]/ C
can be shaped whatever you want
  x9 V7 ~% }. a$ j# t1 T( w* b) d9 t
unfortunalety not my heart
& P$ W  F! Q0 x6 z, X8 |6 M  FIt is slashed by you ! c) a6 z9 c, S4 M% }, G
and I am seriously hurt
2 A  d* C) s, b! R4 d' q
; v# H4 G  Z! BI will never love another 4 b) C; V& i  B6 R& Q4 {( }
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
4 P2 a4 n7 P% T" o, W( o3 smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

# y* Y9 _7 {4 f* `; P- }" V3 ?  C/ ]% a" Q7 Q4 u, _; d
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!2 O' U& a/ b; k+ S, ~1 }3 l
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 5 h, O- ?, ]- f$ X
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
( y7 ~( k( z, n7 E1 @3 `! w* k% JAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed  @- R3 `6 @5 Q' Q7 ^8 G$ o2 [0 {

! M; U2 {) `) fwith the charm,
+ P+ E5 v+ W) o7 `4 ^) {/ mwith the simles.! u& W$ |- p7 D1 e0 u
I fell in love with you 6 q% G& r7 N9 F! A& ^# O
In the first sign.$ N; ~1 H+ j' Q1 ~" a% G% `2 n
As spotting sky at a summer
+ ~& Z6 v, J( C& H; H0 s7 w2 R) u$ ~# q
Your lip is so soft
+ L' i- V2 a# Y/ N/ {2 ^' l, }there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
& X0 m+ y- B/ X, LYour body is so sexy. f) h+ |) M, Z+ Y+ C( t8 {
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u./ Q5 E! H$ v6 V& `5 k- U6 J

' y; s9 r9 o* q' [I am deeply in love: P0 i4 M. A' K
Everything from you is so charming" R/ y; ?, g, U( ~( u
although You r so picky for me
8 S' ^' Z  S, Z# X4 N% W; wAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
+ W- f( Q- ?/ q( d' s( n) HBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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- q$ T; u6 d0 _4 sHis hello is the end of her endings
- U! r1 `6 Y. ?: F3 J; l. QHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle( l7 \* D  B( a$ i
His hand would be hers to hold forever
! e6 l# f8 m' |His forever is simply as her smile
1 R# l8 O$ x; e" o# |/ ~He said she was what was missing
4 U; d# D' S: J1 P6 D7 [9 |She said instantly she knew
' `% \4 B6 a7 y+ z4 Z5 U+ q$ MShe was a question to be answered
0 \4 G0 t* K, W, P% g* FAnd his answer is
; T0 B" O% e8 l8 SI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
% D/ C6 }0 p2 r; R8 [
1 r+ o$ \( g* Z5 G3 T7 G7 l1 zBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt* H! C6 ?+ {# ^. Z( }

( d* H# l, t3 l9 g$ hIt's amazing how I felt
" b" g' q' j1 J; [1 U$ }when I was with you- B; G- p- U: g7 ~9 E! @" h* h
My heart beat so fast
  @  F0 |, d# B- s4 Y3 w$ OI looked at you and thought% s( w8 [% z: f
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
+ b8 [! l: r' y; y, A* t( F7 M& Q$ \5 u+ V, u
You left me without a word1 Z/ i5 T6 R. B/ r6 m- f
I have nothing except my emptiness
; @. N* \) j  m( J( vMy mood is like a cloud
* m0 X3 M4 K% W, D- d, s. SHow could it be dispersed?2 A8 {& r9 l7 ^% @3 g! t0 t" l
* D4 q- D/ o# v4 @% v
Feelings bite my heart
) E9 m" m* [1 l5 v( e7 o! bYou are the right one I wait
9 g+ c$ N% t, @3 P; KIn the depth of my soul5 _. R: m& N1 p
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ H( }. `; Q2 m  b& O& x1 ]你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; @/ A  c! \4 P) v8 r就和用中文写一次
; g# N! @$ t8 b# x9 }: X阿,我爱你5 H" t& B$ y* J* q
你让我心跳好快
/ ~% X& x0 p! X% ^* K7 v你让我脸发热: c" C: E+ ^3 s! q" c
我爱上你的大嘴唇8 Q, j9 k  w3 }
XXXXX+ C  ?+ J7 L( }0 J
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
/ \1 P" [0 n8 N/ f
6 L! i  a/ \$ K  S# k如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
+ l' {/ y) B8 J- J1 O  R; V) p2 R* K& \至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
; D' g5 }2 t  z' I* J闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, W1 E0 M  b- e5 ^  @! E, W1 J
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 _$ R, a+ u& W1 r- j. F, D9 o: N就和用中文写一次  N2 ^- Z, i1 f: F0 h( H
阿,我爱你( R& n, _! Y, J1 ^# ~" g' N
你让我心跳好快
& w( P' j7 G' l你让我脸发热
# ?6 T( K2 |, y" _我爱上你的大嘴唇" W+ m+ L' }3 h- c; [
XXXXX4 c/ B" _% u9 O2 `) v
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
4 f0 \9 E* q( U8 U  B
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靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.# J- p! s  ]9 x* j. y9 m
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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