我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
" w0 z; B4 W* Y" o: d
/ W$ B1 t% j% j  Y' XI fell in love with you
3 m. k& G7 d# L# g* U8 \; M. RAt the first week we met
; d+ ]$ S, Y) ]- ]# Z2 j
You have charm, you have looks
/ ~  m6 k' a) x6 J9 R& ]with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
' E# {  k1 X7 e. I/ Z- [0 TThey are shining stars
  n% L; H7 p. a+ Y
$ f) Y# ^8 z, g, VYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
: Q- y9 N' J4 e' k2 c6 `* y2 JYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
( H. b9 B5 ^. x# R1 C
I was deeply in love
3 X9 f- d, }* _' \Everything from you is positive
  v% _/ w% ^) V6 `# I1 \  @4 hYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
9 z% P" [+ {5 Q  ?; w
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
6 b% n. y+ ^4 E; R% Y7 lI think you are perfectly right
4 y9 P0 S" P$ }$ [( QEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
) n2 d( |/ ^6 w* b0 GBecome a fool to think
9 T% Q" |) a) D1 D' z+ CAll trouble things you did
& o4 a1 T8 I+ t8 y+ e+ K, iAnd that is the price for love
9 l' ]7 T; T6 E& L! J
you are deeply in love
2 Y. l+ ~* M, @% N  m$ NEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
5 s1 @' d+ L3 W+ o' }
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
8 n* ~- q9 M8 w: |8 u0 uIt is slashed by you
, Y$ F% F+ q  Z; @and I am seriously hurt

2 |9 G/ o6 I* p9 r0 ~I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

# m# U+ d9 \* J) H3 p* C5 ]/ H7 x
0 J# \- g$ j9 z4 ?: J: u咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
/ a9 B- K" I# z$ Y& X8 }And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& w2 \. O* ^) ^0 b% I
/ z5 ^( i( `' F8 J* ~with the charm,
with the simles.
& a$ v( s* O( @# QI fell in love with you
+ i4 s& Y$ E+ n7 DIn the first sign.
4 s1 z( Z. f- \' ~8 C* e5 |As spotting sky at a summer
* d& _% n) |0 e6 ]
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
  @1 j# D% ~# X- H! j) a! g4 HYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
4 [8 K+ G9 a' s) L) ?  rEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
) W4 {/ c0 ^+ E! L) o- fHis hand would be hers to hold forever
, e9 p& y6 b3 y4 K* D# zHis forever is simply as her smile
: T/ f' T* ?0 T. [$ w% U) nHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
) o& l* s' k9 `0 T8 g) _: iShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
. @) K9 x& \8 y1 B# v. t( JI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: |7 v0 X* G  L
& {4 S8 ?  p1 SBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

& V2 R( ~8 K2 ?. r9 w4 q" \It's amazing how I felt
" S9 x1 L! w( hwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
. l, ^) w3 d8 F3 K6 I. ]I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
) c0 m; h8 _8 x" }" I
You left me without a word
4 w7 f" J9 }7 I/ ^, Y5 L, J+ NI have nothing except my emptiness
9 R" U3 c4 v% S  k" WMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
" J% O7 T* Z. p% x4 U4 a% _$ z
( a/ C  `2 k. G; E7 s  zFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, Y, X9 x( R$ o2 S# _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
' e$ F6 J% ]; q3 P$ x阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
# A5 _4 c% ]  b不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
1 d' S/ N: ?5 o/ r1 o" _" t
6 B0 Q$ k) [  Q, Q3 j- k  q如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 q6 C) @. {! _至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
4 M2 d, c* O4 k4 r: a$ A% @+ X闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
. J7 q1 X$ `! H6 [阿,我爱你
$ ~  y/ F2 u5 t# k' }3 |! `9 B你让我心跳好快
! v' A7 u" l) B  q7 q9 a* W+ q你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 S# V" O; L2 e- q* ]XXXXX
7 z) q& J! ^  ?" w& f7 i, N不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

; O( U& f! G9 t+ Y
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。