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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
) s* E9 O) X, N" V: J) e; V/ S* }# _$ j' {& y5 C- C
I fell in love with you
* i; g& z) D' a) {At the first week we met9 G3 h# f4 U& D+ }* y3 `/ i
" ?0 J) e  ~4 @! R$ m1 W
You have charm, you have looks" d) `$ O- ~8 M
with full of pimples in face: C8 U1 X! W% Y1 s# f# X
As spotting sky at a summer night$ R6 A# Q+ f5 S8 f3 `0 {
They are shining stars; Y7 b1 }0 ~* D6 o3 _* [
( @7 B6 F, f9 u- X& k7 z; K  T
Your lip is so big
+ j1 ^; _" }5 N4 yAnd that’s good for a kiss% P' x9 K: F; w+ R/ ?
Your body is chubby- R2 d7 I* r! n2 a7 ^0 @
And that is good for sex
" m2 L( l, [$ |% c. h! S: [" `; h. Q; i
' |6 k: @- B* M# k9 Y/ ?) dI was deeply in love
: w/ z& n% v0 I  |9 B+ @Everything from you is positive" H3 K0 W% `4 f! x" N
You blame me everything and everyday
8 [+ F" R  }& xAnd I think all girls sound like  b1 z. [5 s, K

& s; x+ r: `$ c) G; q) nYou could not stand my eating6 T% D4 t6 |! H' l
Saying no good for making funny sound( Q2 z0 p6 L5 n# b- M9 @; h
I think you are perfectly right8 G! L, T! J' [' j# t& q
Eating with sound is a pig
, q6 G  l$ h  l4 J- g% p0 D' h% T6 N0 Z0 {
I fell in love with you
% E0 f; b9 g7 Q5 y" V9 FBecome a fool to think: |5 v7 @' U# L! T7 |
All trouble things you did3 k" |3 k3 Z6 W: L8 `
And that is the price for love9 Z# o2 @7 N0 f. p  g
) I) y9 \9 {+ m' N9 Y
you are deeply in love% F# ]% Q7 u4 Z1 a5 `! b
Everything from me is negative0 u' {8 D3 v' X2 V/ i
"My man should be like this,, B# \1 N! _5 y, W; N  C
and I am helping you to improve'
7 W8 F4 e5 {5 [# Q
7 H4 X  W' J6 {. C# [* CYou are loving me % H" h- W% @4 o' V5 ^! J0 m
or that one in your mind?, A* r) H4 y1 _/ N0 R7 v8 |
My mind is like a mud
4 D" A3 P# ]5 S# ~% Z7 Ccan be shaped whatever you want
, Z; U4 v9 S! t' ?2 Y5 j
( b* O( L. e  G, O" ?, f4 yunfortunalety not my heart
) C" }% T! `. G1 dIt is slashed by you
. C  o0 U( H. B% Oand I am seriously hurt
. v7 T- L% ~! A* V( H* c
% ?4 ^% p: z+ `, {. U5 C; EI will never love another 1 @; r5 D6 N, T4 L7 T
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 5 ]# G7 q, `. W% D7 ]6 `8 N
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

3 i, ?( P8 M, W3 @: a0 D& \
6 e) A3 B$ D* V+ t/ {) O- i5 r咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!% r$ Y1 ^  a  b5 s* a
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, ! K. f: h( }$ H4 N  R4 l" B
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
& ^; u) n6 Z% N+ ^) {& DAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed. w+ v7 z: Y( `

& }% M8 ]" q" G4 ^with the charm,9 y) J+ i$ j0 U9 g: B
with the simles./ z) I3 J* D' c1 N. {
I fell in love with you 6 g  S3 V6 p& g
In the first sign.$ Y2 v* G% t: v% ?- s. w
As spotting sky at a summer - B9 j  ^8 x% Z7 A
" h% T" `5 @" O& \! a, h7 t
Your lip is so soft
$ u( o  X6 L9 |5 m1 Nthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss% {# h) Z# o. t% o9 R/ B) ]6 c
Your body is so sexy
# w3 x; N9 _* A- pAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
/ z; ^" y$ H) t' v/ z! ^# r$ Q: D5 n4 i- O; g1 V" ]5 H
I am deeply in love
: A' i5 x9 c, j. j8 h5 [4 ~Everything from you is so charming
0 ^/ \6 b4 x' u, {# ialthough You r so picky for me ) O. B/ g" Z! V' g4 s* K4 H
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
1 p/ I" Z: y# ~  EBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem1 T5 {0 X1 x8 z" r+ e; ~, S

8 l2 w3 Q0 T/ L4 {" l, m) d. z1 P7 Z5 X& e) e& Z
His hello is the end of her endings1 R' _7 X6 c* d( ]
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle0 ]: X6 Q( T% p+ P, B
His hand would be hers to hold forever
+ l. a0 y3 O4 L  I1 nHis forever is simply as her smile - }8 d1 P/ U" T) v9 g
He said she was what was missing) |7 k  c& x# _8 B) J0 ?% n3 j
She said instantly she knew: B2 O/ a+ i! S+ F- O- B  T
She was a question to be answered
5 w# F  Y$ P( x' i: nAnd his answer is
2 V0 `- g7 w3 v+ t7 X  JI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas, a0 C9 B" A1 N: V+ k

* b: B: P: t6 lBelow is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt4 I  n  c; |  Y  i! O9 J5 M5 d

. S, i( N5 ?8 @+ e, g; EIt's amazing how I felt
2 n5 K( V" A/ W) g5 b& O& @when I was with you
9 m: z# q+ T7 a- OMy heart beat so fast
) n2 S- G5 U0 h$ o9 N) N0 E$ |* pI looked at you and thought
5 G4 S, c0 s9 R$ IHoly Jesus, you were so cute
4 y: S. z4 m% g5 |! u/ r
6 g  a. k* G9 z8 |0 O) W4 v' @You left me without a word
" x4 O7 d' G6 ?. N  tI have nothing except my emptiness
4 ~$ s9 @+ }0 l# \* zMy mood is like a cloud
2 e/ \" e9 t- W8 h  D  Z9 EHow could it be dispersed?
2 u, a6 l" C/ X4 ]
4 X! i. r. Y$ P! Y3 g, fFeelings bite my heart
! t! Z1 u1 [2 dYou are the right one I wait  A4 K& ~' l$ ?
In the depth of my soul$ G7 a, }5 E  w; z
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" j  D4 R6 L4 {+ N- f, A& l5 }+ f$ ?
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
' r) t" K+ i8 y, M就和用中文写一次: h9 W1 C( w/ H7 n) Z
阿,我爱你
4 D) D& n  X; g& M你让我心跳好快
$ K9 a: k& e; F- U- U/ m你让我脸发热
% D8 w# ?/ |; x6 Y6 W( K我爱上你的大嘴唇- ]7 @" s" X$ c/ w8 i+ G8 C$ r
XXXXX" I1 s: Z' A0 J# @7 ~: g3 c
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
7 R" I% f+ j8 ]4 z3 H
$ S7 J) h/ V" A6 V5 f# D5 r如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
' c/ e; E% @* G1 W! C% ~至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
+ k( T( S* T5 _% J3 Q" o2 U2 N闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美( y& Q6 E# m5 ^
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道0 U$ f; E6 {1 f! q6 c8 D
就和用中文写一次
. T4 }0 Y4 A% y) T; b% @! a! ^阿,我爱你6 a2 m# O7 O5 F7 p
你让我心跳好快
; {/ D! w/ V; u& e你让我脸发热
' h! D% T6 M' O* o% l我爱上你的大嘴唇9 K1 v$ F+ {' `* ?# H- R" L
XXXXX
" }& D5 F8 ]4 s7 o$ N$ G不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

9 t& M6 U$ u$ v4 r0 e: M1 O5 c. s4 S$ E
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
7 p# x8 @+ t- Y2 v1 g& h
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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