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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
% I8 Z1 t0 E! _1 A, t4 ]/ N7 i' j& q; c& P9 p7 v% w
I fell in love with you
; ]3 C4 A+ R4 Y2 o5 {5 {At the first week we met
" K: r1 x+ \; Q( F8 z# }2 x" j" a! A% e; w* @; ~
You have charm, you have looks+ J& p# Y/ \; `: R1 s! F$ v
with full of pimples in face2 b# Q6 y0 A* B
As spotting sky at a summer night" X' }5 f5 Z2 R2 l8 B* U) T
They are shining stars: T* ^  L% r) D; {, T% g+ u1 f
# q/ f! H: N- r  W
Your lip is so big
3 k( W: a. z( O5 @% zAnd that’s good for a kiss
) b) L* [# J! L5 c  W. w' ]& iYour body is chubby# z  I9 Z$ j+ T% X3 V
And that is good for sex
8 i' I$ i0 Q8 e% A2 e' u
& {8 v' D; H% v7 s3 F) S6 v: SI was deeply in love5 j6 r5 l/ [. e: N* ]0 i  R% Q4 R
Everything from you is positive
7 b% x2 u& ]8 B% J! xYou blame me everything and everyday1 F, o7 y/ V" p5 ]  J9 r# W
And I think all girls sound like6 R# J7 F% A9 o
  D: y+ J, Y( m2 }+ h1 y( m
You could not stand my eating
% t# A" Z) b! E' d2 E$ f+ NSaying no good for making funny sound
/ G7 Z; }# v" R# ?" ^I think you are perfectly right
& @) m  s6 v4 v- X( S! `: mEating with sound is a pig
8 d$ I: @, k7 e" {6 ?
. }5 j- Z$ @2 T) T9 g8 AI fell in love with you
6 w. L! t, Q$ S  B0 rBecome a fool to think
7 F) [" ]4 d% N& l4 ~8 z! ^All trouble things you did
, B& x+ D- L  {: Q. {2 i/ jAnd that is the price for love
7 V( \+ G6 w1 O, C
; a6 e; a6 O: D8 h$ `you are deeply in love
  `; l' T  K5 ^6 ~Everything from me is negative
7 V6 Z9 R' {1 U9 _* o"My man should be like this,& i/ P3 o& H9 A% l$ F
and I am helping you to improve'# w0 d# O# v& t5 \

" C: \# ]8 C5 U* PYou are loving me ' l: y9 P& {* u. o% @
or that one in your mind?
* O1 o* k; ^' ]5 s+ P: ^& oMy mind is like a mud
: X6 }6 ]+ p# Jcan be shaped whatever you want
4 E8 q/ `. L7 G* `4 d& E
2 d6 |- S' d$ N# A$ M9 munfortunalety not my heart
% l3 U% Q  {+ U  X, n, o3 {$ KIt is slashed by you 5 d( |( A! \) X: `
and I am seriously hurt1 g1 O1 }' y  @( e
+ k7 Z' r$ V# T% e, H% V
I will never love another 1 x/ q9 t6 p: R$ O7 m
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
1 u6 _1 d0 U( k3 E/ N3 @) l/ Jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
) ^& t3 M  s7 s, T0 n

2 {7 q& j1 ~, B3 J0 d1 A9 }咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
; N- ^( s8 H- O" D不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, * z6 o9 E) \# f# s7 g; q& _
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks./ Z5 k( F8 j# s1 y& K" A
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed" i% ]3 H% [2 J8 L8 ~( o. i

0 \8 y  r' n5 P2 L5 fwith the charm,6 Z$ N0 H4 W! U) t# A7 [- p
with the simles.0 S. k: ~9 a+ {5 K# o7 }
I fell in love with you # H  N3 [4 C' N1 W, T2 I% w$ L
In the first sign.1 [3 J) k) \0 }# E( }- h
As spotting sky at a summer ; c4 S! V, _9 k& i, b  c
) M2 Y# ~  z, {& m; w
Your lip is so soft
, J& P- M$ {# m) r! @# ?there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss5 N4 N' I8 I2 L
Your body is so sexy
  G: F( c+ j. z( pAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
" e- x, m* e6 ~  T  E. `" C: v0 v
I am deeply in love0 a3 t) P2 I4 E- C! h: o
Everything from you is so charming, P- m. t" b/ I
although You r so picky for me
5 ?; t# w1 B1 ]0 uAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.$ w. ~, n1 J* B  Z$ T# m
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
4 g. ^& a+ B, t  E9 _. T, ^9 K! J' }3 f  u4 a$ s/ I

% w3 F. t+ J7 [/ n2 w" gHis hello is the end of her endings2 G( u! G' P& q% V4 G( {9 z" }
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
- c- E9 i1 n( J$ t- m) o! aHis hand would be hers to hold forever: ?3 d$ c1 u, l; E5 Q; z+ f
His forever is simply as her smile 5 G+ J6 a7 I. s2 R; `3 o
He said she was what was missing
0 q& J0 V3 Y+ b8 \! Q. s/ H0 ]She said instantly she knew
1 N' ~; Q8 P8 j# l) r' PShe was a question to be answered+ T* b  H/ U( X& u2 H
And his answer is 1 X$ x4 M$ }6 ~3 M% j2 l/ k( H
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
! ~9 C9 S9 n& e9 \2 B" A, E+ W7 a2 g& k" m% _- u9 }( p
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
$ \; h# ^; t! U5 K
) N+ n7 [! x$ u% q# x0 s/ z/ YIt's amazing how I felt
: l% }& Z" \3 N* Cwhen I was with you
" g  u0 v# J# C" y  D- @$ A3 kMy heart beat so fast
6 I% {$ ?: Q& N8 Z+ c/ o+ ]I looked at you and thought' h% P# s- N. o& I' h' z. D
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
( |) Y  u$ M+ A0 ?" f: [( P3 v, H' @% {: p3 w8 s# _6 O0 \4 Z
You left me without a word
0 r+ G8 m1 D# t+ k4 Z; [I have nothing except my emptiness
. d+ w( G2 s0 u0 nMy mood is like a cloud
4 z; s6 Q2 [, Y, oHow could it be dispersed?  V6 @% M  ^. j
& f/ u* x, l! ?9 _& C  y
Feelings bite my heart 2 j2 L  K! w# q: ]' f2 `3 p
You are the right one I wait& c8 Q. |: e8 ^" \# g! |
In the depth of my soul. C( Z, y: b4 L3 q& S; C+ a
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" v( A1 K5 T+ _; n' b你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; R: _1 C8 y9 Z5 _$ `就和用中文写一次2 x  a& Y2 c0 m, f  s; p& f
阿,我爱你
1 s0 [$ }% w1 o你让我心跳好快
: c; q9 u" I& ?2 n+ y( Z% Z你让我脸发热, x9 _# ~  J/ m5 Z; {! ?6 W0 |
我爱上你的大嘴唇- ]4 c9 T& H5 Q# J% m- K; O7 T, I
XXXXX0 d8 g: [- X1 L
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?8 L+ v2 F1 H* X) f9 b" U/ `4 Y

1 p9 i0 q5 y: ~3 X0 B' f如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER( q" Y) I3 D8 A" n
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
, x# V+ ]3 y0 a1 v' q: y4 G闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美$ v. F" V; ^, k8 s5 Q
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
- o+ E' W- v- d1 j+ F/ o8 y0 ]就和用中文写一次
6 x# S& G7 w) `3 g1 t$ U, ?8 R& V阿,我爱你
9 @2 P/ D9 m/ a' h, [你让我心跳好快
! e1 }, ?7 D7 Z4 }6 S% j; T你让我脸发热- H, X- o7 ^' y/ N8 ~4 b0 H
我爱上你的大嘴唇" R/ ^( A( d9 b. {! V: h/ P7 o+ N
XXXXX
$ C; f5 l" |" Q) w: b不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

1 j, H5 t" w/ ^! N& l1 F/ i( d  s5 y4 d
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.# W# Y4 d4 g/ e5 f; D  y( z% n2 g
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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