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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love8 G; v6 G! `- C9 U  V

. r1 V: U" O9 A1 u1 f8 Y' ?I fell in love with you
2 [' Y7 S% ]0 T4 ]; lAt the first week we met6 k8 V$ o  K. g" _# k

; k4 i- N3 n# J, W6 zYou have charm, you have looks
* [$ v! E. g; @) [" Kwith full of pimples in face5 |, q: T: B/ ~9 l
As spotting sky at a summer night( K- ?+ C8 m  q; C+ r) p
They are shining stars
$ [3 m( O6 z$ ~( u' N
! k9 ]5 [3 E, A6 HYour lip is so big
' ~3 ?; G: T' |  ^) l% ~) HAnd that’s good for a kiss
8 ]8 _2 ]. N" G8 X, O7 OYour body is chubby
+ g# `  C# s6 `; s( I/ k8 _; X6 Y- mAnd that is good for sex- z: s) m. u7 C5 v

4 \4 R0 @' i5 p6 zI was deeply in love4 M. C' ?' s8 p0 m+ W# @# O2 i
Everything from you is positive
/ n7 v( V) a0 G' v5 v% YYou blame me everything and everyday) p( F, n. x. p9 m6 g
And I think all girls sound like" W# h: B4 d$ }2 _: l- F( U0 B* _3 C: Q- d

" O3 `! A; y+ h+ W& f1 I1 xYou could not stand my eating& V3 F5 N) l; U
Saying no good for making funny sound
) |/ h* ]2 \2 o+ z7 ]0 CI think you are perfectly right
$ q; a/ E- j4 H) wEating with sound is a pig
$ e/ o- v# b; t6 j  W/ L- o: j5 y# R& \  {( Y3 v
I fell in love with you " ]9 t- M/ ^; v) x2 S* i8 x
Become a fool to think* F& g! R. h! W* d2 P; @+ v. n
All trouble things you did
7 Z' ], N# y9 X. x& p, A+ M2 WAnd that is the price for love
& @; g8 I5 t& h
* v: ?* `/ ~- P" C5 _* L  zyou are deeply in love0 ~) r' V! X  t5 e9 F
Everything from me is negative
* b. [- Q5 W, b5 [. I, X$ ]"My man should be like this,
5 G9 ~: p; v  L: s! o* J: U; Aand I am helping you to improve'
3 S: i6 A5 t& ~7 Y/ V2 X$ ~- l
1 r/ `- M& ~2 l) ~2 N9 [You are loving me * t7 C5 U% M; }3 @
or that one in your mind?2 V/ h! H2 d3 Y& `* x" j6 k
My mind is like a mud, U' P  b# M2 f, ]
can be shaped whatever you want
, ], g/ p4 G3 n: [+ j* @( ?8 w, Z
+ x- ^9 H' {  ]unfortunalety not my heart; l0 K: T+ y, G8 z6 ]
It is slashed by you " \8 y8 U1 [7 X3 a
and I am seriously hurt  ]- C/ W: r# L+ }: \. L
6 Y; ~( A, f) g6 I% b
I will never love another 3 y8 s# A' J( R  U+ F9 R
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 1 L3 h* }  _. X) t$ f
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
; T, P1 h8 N. l. D- I, N
& K* E* i$ u, j2 ]
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!1 m' v0 ]' [$ P/ x
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
0 t1 I" G" H$ I4 X& L1 Z& Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; T. W# \4 |. l( d7 Y5 pAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 u. F5 A# ^! ?# i: ^( m! j$ b
- a# O' O% I- Z, Cwith the charm,
. p: a+ i" y5 L) N& G' X( dwith the simles.( {2 q* n% Z0 Y, w4 g( K0 i
I fell in love with you " ~, ]- k) [, }4 d$ P5 m6 a) v& f
In the first sign.0 R8 F3 C  R" y8 p5 l3 C" M9 ]# c
As spotting sky at a summer
& \' z9 r& O# ^' Q1 ?* a: T- \9 A! j3 H% e' t. U0 Y6 n9 h
Your lip is so soft
' i; V; A- {4 [, G+ S0 b1 Bthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss/ q) f1 i4 u" W4 E
Your body is so sexy8 ~$ s+ l) J5 p1 F
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 ]! J; V3 I/ [1 [' Y0 k- r9 J8 X* m8 T
I am deeply in love: F/ X; K$ P' K1 Q& E
Everything from you is so charming
9 \9 ~$ \4 `( o# [- i$ valthough You r so picky for me . Q+ a. y8 Q" |. u* y; M* W' z
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.- _4 Y6 P3 A+ [) F3 Q. N
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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4 x: v( i" I6 B4 @
6 g; U1 d. w1 F9 kHis hello is the end of her endings  I0 G9 Y5 I- M- h+ P
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle* {. \: B; k" u: E# e
His hand would be hers to hold forever
0 h+ U' z8 K6 V  P1 a! gHis forever is simply as her smile
, p+ q/ P% p- w0 f, |9 U* L1 q' ~$ sHe said she was what was missing; [5 d* n* l: P8 B" P4 Q$ Z0 o  ?6 o7 Y
She said instantly she knew0 v1 \; P, }. l( @0 S2 [" J9 _
She was a question to be answered; K% F6 }8 [# U: d, n
And his answer is
4 d/ J$ W/ _2 fI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
! h1 t' z. y5 q& F  d  i% D
+ G: A$ T9 q  {3 I: NBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
) r( {* O1 c  N! R4 Q* g- S9 V! J* ^' S1 ~' E' g! r" o4 k& ?3 ~+ u
It's amazing how I felt 1 U0 ?0 q5 f) |
when I was with you7 l* q9 F4 P4 ~: ?) h; N
My heart beat so fast
  v  b, W& A% l. f( p6 G7 `I looked at you and thought
3 S" u& T6 }8 q6 T; X/ Y! }Holy Jesus, you were so cute4 m! o6 a7 C/ O# g3 s, i5 p
" k9 s" q. n7 C5 q% B& n
You left me without a word
) Q% i7 I1 M) Y% \/ ^I have nothing except my emptiness" Y& F; D8 w) X
My mood is like a cloud( {0 T5 y) x4 f2 t8 ]/ C
How could it be dispersed?
* v8 w' c' t- w5 S2 S
4 n. R' w1 o2 JFeelings bite my heart
  D) C0 T2 a- h2 S" x0 TYou are the right one I wait; W6 C* L* _7 t9 g% p, e* p: U6 }
In the depth of my soul
7 i4 q+ H( A" F6 k$ X- |6 U$ |: \; xI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 |: T$ q+ o+ r5 H( D1 q: D' ~你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 h. s2 `3 I) o( P* w3 O7 }; E7 ^就和用中文写一次, x/ E! Q7 Y( O4 F' E6 P
阿,我爱你+ l7 H0 [% l* V* B
你让我心跳好快
  f* w" e2 Y  }2 Z: |你让我脸发热
# w) E  g  o/ I! J: C我爱上你的大嘴唇
. q# W- z9 b# x8 h% _! MXXXXX
: Q4 x4 S1 y6 X9 |  c+ O# ~% @不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?/ K* Q6 x4 i) `9 G/ y+ G$ g% l

2 ?  f% B, h- s( I5 O  m: v如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
4 f3 Q: @7 ?0 K, p至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
! {: p6 P" b/ F; V3 M闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美9 G- u0 b$ G& F
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 d' j1 f6 A  u$ ]) n* z1 t就和用中文写一次" \: O4 Q4 y" V9 r+ h: ^# w
阿,我爱你" j8 a/ q# ?$ r7 p' ?& P  h& w) V
你让我心跳好快; C8 N+ ^3 N5 x3 p; O# s( t
你让我脸发热
1 U9 b. c* K. ^6 I我爱上你的大嘴唇- H% U$ x  @) U$ x; b6 Q7 @+ U) {( Z
XXXXX* V5 Z+ P8 V' K) N2 r+ X- \
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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! ]8 ~) `( Q% P- H' H. |靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.+ O! j3 _  N5 ?8 E0 o5 I
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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