我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
$ ~% v2 P0 {1 K
I fell in love with you
( Z( e3 n2 c' c" n) \3 OAt the first week we met

. ]+ k% I% J9 C9 O) N7 H1 r) tYou have charm, you have looks
8 E/ x! p9 f5 i8 O3 W  i3 iwith full of pimples in face
) H# K& I2 T; tAs spotting sky at a summer night
+ L8 b0 G- D' p- hThey are shining stars

1 p. n1 k: C+ j* u2 P' [Your lip is so big
/ ]9 Q6 k- l# b8 [) e6 B, Q  YAnd that’s good for a kiss
- P2 t9 R7 b, Y5 P7 zYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
. A; Q  d+ d' K- H! H
0 E8 w7 E6 x7 l+ q% BI was deeply in love
" {9 M6 x; Y( b' z- _Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
) Z0 p, O/ ~7 Z3 o
( z; Y1 A# e6 M& S; z4 }2 K2 NYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
6 f0 g# t$ a* z5 tEating with sound is a pig
: f0 j4 J; u5 r) ^4 B
' ~* t' @8 h" T& _7 L# _I fell in love with you
! B' r1 P; _( L) q; ]Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

+ I4 x( F; U8 B- w: _7 X  f' Xyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
- b  n# X7 O7 q$ F5 t3 s7 r"My man should be like this,
! J  a$ V1 k) z6 T0 Jand I am helping you to improve'
- e0 \( U) ]1 }1 `% J) h  V6 F
% I) P' N( p; Z+ b9 ]  OYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
7 L1 w6 A; K% {) l& oMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
: e+ m" _. E+ A" |/ Y8 ]It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
% k. I1 x# M: ?
I will never love another
% e6 R- q0 j2 d' Y2 a* q$ Q9 MIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

9 m$ G: V" Y3 X# b+ g  ^
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
) |. m& Y& m# I0 f; H7 _0 @不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
0 H/ O0 t2 l. {: E6 N/ mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
5 _: w0 {6 U5 {; Q5 z) h% FAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
" l5 J6 o# `, L  x& nAs spotting sky at a summer
+ X6 c2 r2 w5 m7 X  j. S
9 T" E8 j! x8 {' s) C8 G+ H" UYour lip is so soft
) J' s3 f6 M6 Q* D2 }" L# a" dthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
& [3 s5 d" t+ M3 Y" o1 m( a" DYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

5 q, l# K* D5 G6 C# J3 S& v" o% JI am deeply in love
0 p: S2 N1 Y& c: X" tEverything from you is so charming
- @  t# }1 V. ]( a5 V- s, c5 a3 dalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
( E* \0 U3 o4 uBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
4 j! }( h9 m% Z' i) j, L
0 q/ d" \* @) {) T# W$ p
3 |6 }. l& P, N+ n( {  |His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
7 i7 Y( F3 i* hHis hand would be hers to hold forever
( ?3 Z1 u9 S* d# ?. ]' [" gHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
% f2 o$ o: J/ J" Q5 S! w9 {6 {# E  yShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
' ^. Z7 a2 t* d/ aI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
0 N' b9 [' K8 P. b, D4 v5 m
7 Q: ]% H/ ~2 u' Y/ OBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
( I: J, k) R( h6 S/ o4 K$ H! kwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
4 Y4 X7 M/ n& L
9 z4 ]/ D% I9 Z# t% QFeelings bite my heart
- {, I2 s0 C* s  p& _) bYou are the right one I wait
. H8 f! {+ ~* y9 K" u* R" {In the depth of my soul
' P* }  J  P1 h# j# QI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; U" ~  r) t$ ]0 ~你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 X4 ?8 \6 }+ I1 I+ J. _就和用中文写一次
& P# i$ C- C1 A8 e. }阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
  W. M! o) a- W9 Y你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

# v0 b; S( G! s( r9 m; T如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
' Z, n- S  ~: C) f& ^8 u至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% ]/ W- o0 s  x( f就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
* D0 q2 e" P8 p你让我脸发热
+ }; P2 T0 X) |7 }2 D我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

3 A, l- J5 y6 M靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。