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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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I fell in love with you
5 g3 H& ~  y9 ]0 t$ g  SAt the first week we met- E& x$ K1 y4 X+ e

* U, T- U" X% G! d2 O) R* n  ZYou have charm, you have looks) G3 `( `/ k6 j5 V
with full of pimples in face. x. K2 I7 e6 \1 e, m2 Q4 ^7 O; X
As spotting sky at a summer night
& K; g9 e3 w+ Q( \They are shining stars- z: Z" S, @1 M( L

6 M6 ]% }" o4 ^Your lip is so big
+ X7 v+ g# `$ K1 ^# V2 GAnd that’s good for a kiss
5 N' F2 a0 F: n) N" Z* v0 nYour body is chubby& \2 v+ P! h5 S" ~( {& ]7 _
And that is good for sex+ Z! o2 }' }6 o2 }
, d2 e+ z9 @7 \, T
I was deeply in love
: _, p: P& p3 J! DEverything from you is positive4 y8 H- F6 h: C5 E( F9 g
You blame me everything and everyday7 Q# ^6 [8 ?$ R  C& U2 W
And I think all girls sound like
! t4 P" ~: K# z
: W! R, |6 r; j9 \You could not stand my eating
( `' ^8 V- P' ZSaying no good for making funny sound
% D: I, `7 ~0 x! [$ p, U; Y  |- }I think you are perfectly right
9 O8 \1 z0 c7 j& TEating with sound is a pig7 Y8 K; [; t, }3 g& S) k' @
6 K% V$ l3 U3 I& V; q' Q+ P. q
I fell in love with you
' x  H! y" \; w$ F+ Q# dBecome a fool to think- k  C1 s) B* ~0 X& _) L& Z6 P
All trouble things you did
% o+ j4 [$ Y$ W# x+ e( u/ d& uAnd that is the price for love
, w6 s: w4 C0 Q/ }% a1 {/ X/ W, t2 h% k' Z6 w4 o: V4 \" A
you are deeply in love
: M; Y1 S- J5 M3 i2 f1 REverything from me is negative' C5 ?! J* S9 r  c3 Z" A% }
"My man should be like this,
. o8 A4 ]6 A* C5 `/ mand I am helping you to improve'
" a* D( w% g1 N) W9 _+ s5 j
% i. k* k2 H0 G$ }. |You are loving me
7 B/ M0 ^- ~" n+ t& L7 ror that one in your mind?6 R9 `1 Y9 n0 S/ U8 C) v
My mind is like a mud
2 a. P7 ^' I! s" gcan be shaped whatever you want; q' ^- F9 B* v& c& W

' `) H: x$ ^6 M3 P1 I. m. N# x. sunfortunalety not my heart
4 `# _% ?7 i4 b% p1 aIt is slashed by you - P  [1 a$ F- d  s- X* m3 h
and I am seriously hurt; f- _* x2 `4 S9 Q7 }/ c( k: a

& r2 ~( t4 N$ f( II will never love another
8 [. s6 A! V- ^2 i1 t1 LIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 6 j2 ]$ M# ^- @
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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$ ]* {: B5 ], w8 O1 P7 P" a+ T) o4 E  f咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
# u' M- u5 A1 I3 E' ?' z不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
' G$ M; J( C- k" @3 qi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.* [5 |9 A: f% U5 s) i
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
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3 A& c% @8 E* x* swith the charm,( Q+ L+ Q7 P5 r0 Z
with the simles.
" F7 K1 c3 M" b; ^& C  \' X$ LI fell in love with you $ K0 m5 U/ G" U9 @. M/ i
In the first sign." u  N6 m3 k/ T+ d* H
As spotting sky at a summer * n( H1 k( c1 K3 A6 U. E
- O- N9 W+ a3 I6 u! u
Your lip is so soft
! |# ?( X9 ?6 pthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss2 p1 o/ ^& b% h9 Z
Your body is so sexy
* U+ |3 U4 `# h% [5 u. RAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
* \: U3 O/ k  j. h! F
$ C) H) k: I" |+ d* U( J; tI am deeply in love
% j9 m5 z' y$ X2 E7 d( XEverything from you is so charming
$ x" _8 `' D6 C+ O* yalthough You r so picky for me
9 S6 W5 o1 r; n  _. {% tAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.. C, B$ B) z. q. ^
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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$ Q9 @/ P7 I$ U+ H# C, iHis hello is the end of her endings% B, d; c  n- }7 _6 o! G" s
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle$ Y6 m# O! |, e* R+ ]* N1 Q
His hand would be hers to hold forever
% B) e4 H( x7 o- NHis forever is simply as her smile 9 c6 |; Y6 x0 s, K6 ~; F1 Q; o
He said she was what was missing* k/ s! q. O0 F! `
She said instantly she knew8 r- p" ?' V& ?
She was a question to be answered/ N5 G+ C- L* w- p0 `5 e8 A
And his answer is
8 d- w$ J. C6 f/ a0 P7 UI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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1 o% b7 b8 H6 y# X) N4 zBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt0 l' H% V& b. y6 y( ~2 ~( M. D4 K) [
- m  s3 A: j- i' V* [9 g
It's amazing how I felt
0 x8 p! j" B( C# o- gwhen I was with you
! z* g5 V/ ~/ F; YMy heart beat so fast  Z! L& X' o4 X; s+ @# ^" Y9 H/ `
I looked at you and thought$ J- C1 k3 y2 g6 G4 L7 c
Holy Jesus, you were so cute! ~' A# s% w# l- t
7 s+ m' e* r, v( U# i8 r3 |. l
You left me without a word
: G. `0 a# L" R$ tI have nothing except my emptiness4 n# m) h5 k2 t% h. s% L
My mood is like a cloud/ v! s3 z5 ~. o1 v; |8 D0 a
How could it be dispersed?' |  \9 e/ ^0 k6 y7 B
. K' C9 D" p/ ]. B! d6 @& b
Feelings bite my heart " K- t! L2 s/ r" m0 ]# `
You are the right one I wait( t8 z$ j: q1 J
In the depth of my soul
( |5 E# N# c0 f& @) }I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 c# D- B! X# b7 e1 ]0 ]
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道* _# f9 x; [4 o9 p8 G" J5 W
就和用中文写一次. ~( s0 x8 W, z, _* c" @4 c
阿,我爱你, o+ y( n+ l- ~( Y
你让我心跳好快2 U& U& B+ H2 Y" M5 `; r
你让我脸发热
" I/ N  K0 p3 E6 r; X我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ T; a# t. B! b% x/ T& ~, F; ZXXXXX
( @% [$ e0 ]$ ~; @- e  i! D/ N& m, i不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
% i* J/ H; r' t! I) q* A1 Y; u( q7 Y2 X8 ^$ ]( t) Y
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
# f3 P: W# F% L7 k5 y至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ! _4 ~5 l  ]2 `- T
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美  V( Q3 V, Y% h% \
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
& ^/ V& J, Y$ w就和用中文写一次8 [, ]) v/ f4 k& E! V9 l0 ]) \
阿,我爱你
/ [% S# p* ^% i# R/ p2 q* b! k你让我心跳好快
7 T8 |. E" c3 C( d* y; l6 ?你让我脸发热3 n8 \  ]! H3 b: V$ Q- H8 Y
我爱上你的大嘴唇7 d" j, d/ Y" I# U5 U1 N9 t
XXXXX& }. W6 R4 d: u7 r5 r" }' ]6 E- g/ \( \+ `
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
  l$ x; U8 y2 |

$ j* o, N  G6 \" p) i6 O) A靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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