埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5083|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
8 N9 k3 E8 j6 M- v2 j; [  e0 [, O: @3 i" I( _3 j8 _2 L
I fell in love with you . S4 N8 W% ?2 b7 `/ e/ W6 i8 }
At the first week we met* a: G4 w1 I: P8 K; P2 L
, Y6 ?+ w0 f" D$ r0 `
You have charm, you have looks' ~, F/ M4 @7 Z2 L- H
with full of pimples in face
% @" b+ O. m% E7 w+ R6 mAs spotting sky at a summer night
* |# g2 R. h, p2 X( c& G0 h! [They are shining stars
. I9 b+ ^6 t" a& ~0 E: U
7 _" o7 i# w3 b0 B7 }3 }Your lip is so big
( v# g& d, j+ g5 g. x  N7 T6 \And that’s good for a kiss
4 g% i" o7 P' [+ \6 Q) h% TYour body is chubby
6 j8 ]3 R4 U% `" L/ r$ ?2 ~And that is good for sex1 l5 Y# x6 I+ ~5 m+ r# w/ @" l1 l

1 Q/ w! o4 ~% {I was deeply in love
0 J' N$ [' _  R1 Z. AEverything from you is positive  l) h9 _4 U0 `/ L/ O. c
You blame me everything and everyday
2 C/ c% H1 }1 f' g: Q) IAnd I think all girls sound like
2 G0 n& |5 d# M* ?" p0 a
/ k* h( _( }* v" ?( P4 J9 Z; x% n- nYou could not stand my eating6 F9 }7 _% O  ]" y3 \* O! v
Saying no good for making funny sound& u+ u# ]/ T4 W! T7 k
I think you are perfectly right
1 E- t; P3 y5 l3 L$ l4 {" `Eating with sound is a pig5 M+ i3 L% j$ M0 S8 P4 E

" I" Z5 Z7 O& lI fell in love with you % l- F8 P2 A- b6 D) p! `1 t+ q' W
Become a fool to think
5 l* p2 y- R. f1 lAll trouble things you did
3 F$ K7 m( v7 m( J% PAnd that is the price for love
1 U; `; d( \& o( X" v0 y2 [" @& H5 U7 ]9 H% p3 S1 V
you are deeply in love4 G9 Z# O0 |% J7 I% `+ ^
Everything from me is negative
  A- H- i% w6 A7 R"My man should be like this,/ O# L6 w7 X/ j( j! }& \
and I am helping you to improve'
: x* t" Z0 a8 \7 m- q2 V5 h* `4 K
7 q# h* M  y/ C3 v4 D7 i5 u8 @You are loving me ! H& s- @* x/ n1 |
or that one in your mind?( Y( H( ^  X$ ^/ @
My mind is like a mud
; {* C8 }2 w4 \' [" Lcan be shaped whatever you want
; D4 _# i) O+ A2 X- u% z5 U
, A4 _- n- t" r3 k0 p: G1 _unfortunalety not my heart
7 w4 D9 R  ^3 P# V+ a: uIt is slashed by you 0 _1 s" P$ d- {5 j7 @1 Z* ^
and I am seriously hurt
* H2 O" \+ G7 c: r: M* r
0 m, m& ~2 _2 F( c% o* l& ^2 ^I will never love another + J3 S( y5 x& s7 o# z' Z
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
/ \1 ~+ Y# P5 A2 v! x, tmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
! `) [  H/ B" T( p. v
2 m0 q7 s' Z+ h' B: x8 a) W! o% X
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
3 \! I4 r: S/ {* h% J% |不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, " O  J5 o) [/ Z$ k
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks., @8 X9 g* P3 [6 U; m$ |% e  I
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
9 V% Q* r, ~/ @" ~9 Q
0 z( ?: u- I+ n0 G5 u/ A0 Cwith the charm,$ R1 d1 X( \+ H5 |! H) y
with the simles.2 q8 T5 B- G5 @9 L4 n5 x+ i
I fell in love with you ' ?3 O$ U2 P' ?
In the first sign.) k; K+ ~9 ?7 n. v
As spotting sky at a summer
0 ^# T& `% p* h" y# p7 T) u
# z2 c8 b, A0 R0 J+ mYour lip is so soft
0 e) v( V' N( Q& e3 g" fthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
* \( B% h4 f9 R3 F6 xYour body is so sexy
8 L3 Y6 x3 O/ f: u; _And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.0 K5 }3 P/ N/ \7 s3 N
: q* p7 L1 L  w/ Q+ F
I am deeply in love
  r  i. ^; i, l9 T9 QEverything from you is so charming' E5 a+ }5 a1 T/ ?8 P9 o) N6 _
although You r so picky for me
9 N% B  r% E! Q! VAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.0 D, T8 u  X2 M: D. g) F3 A1 s1 `9 E
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem& s1 m* }  w* `

5 a! \2 Z( \* P+ j
& L( G. S, u+ I- ^His hello is the end of her endings; a4 Y% ^* V' s" ?% d7 y
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle/ q* V3 q  Q& f/ R' x9 R" ~
His hand would be hers to hold forever
8 a5 C! M+ g- r& ]His forever is simply as her smile
9 D0 `/ D" l( x: P' r8 i9 r5 NHe said she was what was missing' q* o. M$ D3 _3 ]* C2 q
She said instantly she knew# u' A. g( k1 ]4 B
She was a question to be answered8 v: N( ^+ D5 e- K# i
And his answer is ) G7 N) _: v) Q# k; o5 `
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas' e7 Q* R( b% z) m& |

( w* K# n" j5 ]2 }. NBelow is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt* v/ h) g) D1 c) B
  y& y$ ~# j2 l  s7 d& ^
It's amazing how I felt 7 |+ J; @1 L4 u% H0 m6 p
when I was with you8 U& M, Y8 L0 n: o, F& ^: x
My heart beat so fast
" B2 a& F8 `$ l& Q7 ]I looked at you and thought1 L1 d8 d( E" n  o+ \
Holy Jesus, you were so cute1 Q* P1 k8 @9 h) t$ @/ Q# X

0 e0 u, j5 B6 Q$ K1 }6 RYou left me without a word3 ]  O& U2 O! I
I have nothing except my emptiness( o+ t( b0 a* @, f, e
My mood is like a cloud% [+ s6 A% T1 J
How could it be dispersed?7 j) \7 U- r- g: F6 ^
8 Y3 X' \* [* G- ]& d" ~9 X
Feelings bite my heart
; }  |7 a' x% Z2 S0 @You are the right one I wait: m( E; S# O1 c! h% R: `+ x
In the depth of my soul
& k; o, u3 q' V: X. m4 v3 S1 y) y. jI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美+ S. A# |+ P- |& x# z! U/ v
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道& z) L7 `" a* c. b0 x
就和用中文写一次
* U5 O* Y" w' `) ]5 K5 {阿,我爱你- F6 {$ I) v3 j4 o" T6 K
你让我心跳好快
* D0 ?& L" P3 |7 g& ~4 T你让我脸发热9 N+ B) `$ {4 v4 n. v' {& I
我爱上你的大嘴唇5 [6 A5 u1 x. C( E" z) d
XXXXX
0 a' L( v, B& X- g7 v不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?5 K$ z5 t8 U' f' i

7 ~* G  H1 m6 u& `( L( J如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER4 @' J3 b4 F3 q
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
* [$ V8 d" P8 T闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 v  h, u. {- I  r
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道6 Z$ X; E$ ^! W1 N& T
就和用中文写一次. s, x  Z( X: I4 D$ H# Q) J3 ]
阿,我爱你( e! k- W7 p8 x! i' Z
你让我心跳好快
8 z, D1 q% h6 M7 g: H. G你让我脸发热
0 s) T! F9 r/ @7 }0 O- O我爱上你的大嘴唇
, m) g& O5 i3 s& F0 u2 ]* ZXXXXX4 k$ r* p/ [8 I2 ?! o4 _: c( y
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

, \$ r. x( Q* p; ]5 w5 k
/ K' y4 M# X5 T$ K( }/ H/ L靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca." S, W4 `6 P8 F! o9 d
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-2-28 17:11 , Processed in 0.148797 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表