我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
0 G  \! K8 Z! I6 F" ^At the first week we met

6 O; l% w  ]  sYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
# O1 |0 N  B$ g+ {As spotting sky at a summer night
, }5 y6 O2 w( h& q/ x9 rThey are shining stars
  E! W9 F0 P! ^3 g1 {1 ^9 R
- |/ s# M- N/ }4 fYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
7 t& I( v$ \% ~& A9 Z. jYour body is chubby
* R! u" x$ ~( }- W& j7 k! ^And that is good for sex
" _9 R8 _! `. e; T4 A2 C+ d
9 U; A5 Z1 W9 XI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
4 G, g/ i$ }, c' p. K2 N* eAnd I think all girls sound like
0 `: A* T) {2 A, Z5 O
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
/ i4 d0 d; \  o6 y
, |/ o6 I5 O, V3 x- s, II fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
8 W- g; o$ U0 t+ OAnd that is the price for love
4 A6 P4 N) ^4 c" s, P
' n% _6 J) M+ }( R, M* Ryou are deeply in love
( ?% L! U) _' N4 ~% |Everything from me is negative
+ p& _5 p% N3 C# ?' ["My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
5 A1 F6 S7 v- j# u, X
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
  d& G- L  u0 i9 C( SMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

& f7 p( u4 i8 J9 s  Y/ _3 xunfortunalety not my heart
7 z$ ~3 F. V" D$ u  c& ^; J3 \( ]  OIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
$ y# C* K5 M7 ?/ K
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

) p- L) g& X) t5 C0 p# U. \. Z
6 B1 {& z4 R, H咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
2 g$ w. b9 O! }2 `, g8 N) Zi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; B4 A6 {  }! Y" e; rAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

! _5 V4 u) }9 ~; p& Lwith the charm,
with the simles.
3 {  C! Y  ~* ^I fell in love with you
8 S& c7 A7 Y0 H, }: @9 fIn the first sign.
, S, }" U0 w. j* LAs spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
) z3 ?( S$ @) `0 W7 g% m' dAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
  H. S2 k1 p6 }5 }8 [+ [* U4 rAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
/ ]" C! d7 m; W! ]% i0 b/ L9 hBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
( l* I  E7 H# z. ]
$ T8 x, F& P# `+ o" I
' H) M; P8 i# ~: k+ W) A; ~! m+ eHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
, Q; O+ {6 J) g9 j1 ]His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
9 k9 B. B. h* [, L6 m5 k" ?He said she was what was missing
/ ~3 C: [3 ?6 R8 HShe said instantly she knew
+ K5 \/ x  I9 T! T+ U" mShe was a question to be answered
! M, j& q( U# ^. tAnd his answer is
9 Y! L5 |' |: Q% r* II do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
. F3 c. N0 `* A7 _. W
$ ~: ^, g' k- J) z1 r' z- _Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

9 K( O9 G3 H! w0 `+ P# ]" ?It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
2 d1 X& i7 z4 l/ E& I+ t$ r/ E5 ^9 _My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
0 d: F* Y8 T, N+ m% r' W! M9 wHoly Jesus, you were so cute
' }9 i. }! g- m- V# a
5 p) ]' N3 Z- \+ p! B4 HYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
- ]- k- r" W: p/ B. dMy mood is like a cloud
/ f0 r; @; w' @# _+ V9 UHow could it be dispersed?
, S" A7 e' A# q+ w% |& q
! b: ?% ?/ [! L4 r' oFeelings bite my heart
- V5 a/ R# U2 S5 F/ g3 D) R) \You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
* p3 P1 c; I! m: L$ d. h; Y+ e你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, |- r7 N- G+ u' k1 w( k+ z; T9 z就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
# p" Z, P8 }8 M0 n你让我脸发热
+ [* `9 n$ V+ y8 ^9 [- `我爱上你的大嘴唇
: A% U- l& b7 VXXXXX
# x; _+ @- I  C5 W  f+ T2 `; h不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
  w, ^' P! f, i: H  h你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
: I; V' N/ D- L, w+ ~* M就和用中文写一次
1 ^; @& I( r* l: m( F. i( P4 W2 F8 X阿,我爱你
4 S( z: e: E5 p0 E7 A% v你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。