我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

, _3 l. \9 a( i/ ^% ^* ], `" xI fell in love with you
At the first week we met

( \  Y( E( {" g2 _You have charm, you have looks
. K+ T+ t: J9 `with full of pimples in face
" p! G4 u: p; w- ], y/ O5 p) \As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

( P7 H1 r9 J$ Z6 o( EYour lip is so big
: o2 K; I+ |. @& t, U5 d% i1 {And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
5 n2 L) Y% n6 i! [
9 L- u: M2 B4 a0 Z7 g2 JI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
* q  H4 o5 C0 f! P: I3 z/ x, xAnd I think all girls sound like
6 o& z' d! M; [
: A2 b5 w' ^% r+ z( HYou could not stand my eating
! s% D- c, i% V' _9 q8 kSaying no good for making funny sound
9 V- O& H2 i2 bI think you are perfectly right
: [- a9 _0 v; H6 o7 N) dEating with sound is a pig
6 W6 E- a4 f; X& d' p7 q/ H
( q% ]/ [* Y: H5 G. g- lI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

# y! ]7 @( `# ]! j9 y4 j* ?you are deeply in love
7 ~  d3 w) B; n$ gEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
: J0 _2 i# }9 F, Iand I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
/ T( W1 [4 k: C6 x3 }  T6 gMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

- d, I9 T( I+ B7 r# aunfortunalety not my heart
. d! y6 D' h2 E+ h8 a4 RIt is slashed by you
2 l, s7 H- L  E/ K0 a: dand I am seriously hurt

5 z  _7 h2 C% C+ u+ |4 FI will never love another
+ Y0 ?. I+ v) r) z* @  L  UIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

3 q  Q/ ~) l  c, @! x
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
) K6 i9 b! n  @) n/ ji am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
1 [) {" _) x# C" [5 pwith the simles.
/ N# Q" G% j- q! kI fell in love with you
6 y+ u9 ^# k* a5 T8 S( nIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
' c: U# d$ b1 M4 H
  V& R$ [! `+ f  Z$ x  tYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
, C# t7 ?7 |2 E9 \) s. X! H
' J% C/ [8 f2 g# `) K# DI am deeply in love
" o) }; Z4 h$ j5 i7 AEverything from you is so charming
2 ?! j( C: I. ?4 jalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
+ E6 w9 T( N1 j8 h9 m6 _
' P% q  {, q# r! x$ V: Y
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
  E$ ]7 g6 t+ A2 W2 CHis forever is simply as her smile
5 ^2 P5 \6 s: t" e0 n( i! MHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
7 t! y) B( _. Z4 TAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
) J4 x5 I, n7 P) U& P! ]
% O5 ^& k- r; P  X$ aBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
0 q' L8 p6 q% v. t
6 p6 P0 n% S" WIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
6 _, y) O  b; x( r. a8 ]  n' S" OI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
) b5 o& `+ M2 j+ ?# N4 Q8 V1 YI have nothing except my emptiness
2 z+ q) W4 C1 _5 a! s7 k& p8 J. {My mood is like a cloud
- B+ c' b1 `4 o! n+ F1 aHow could it be dispersed?

* A2 F4 T9 ]& i9 T! r$ A! p6 f* h, o' rFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
: J- r: f  P; \3 d- \$ Z: i4 }$ t9 VI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
* _/ Q2 u: L. a+ H5 z* @- G你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
8 B3 a, x. q! B! L0 S我爱上你的大嘴唇
& @4 M: L& G% \+ E# K- b5 t( \XXXXX
$ O3 R+ l5 U/ M, k9 Y6 ?+ v不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
0 _% v$ t/ U! n& k
- x6 Z$ [. Q7 K( n如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
: D; Y* ^" g3 l* J3 w& v/ |3 g就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
: v% O9 Z3 D5 |  x你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
. @$ Q, q" j/ ~7 T1 p) B4 a. X& [- b不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

) s+ f" ~, h- b靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。