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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love0 r) Y6 ]2 P0 C' n' N

9 w6 p6 e3 A( z  ~I fell in love with you
4 S# p  A- B, O. v. n6 ~At the first week we met
$ l; [$ z+ f9 R* ~) L
% u- @2 m: O1 D8 iYou have charm, you have looks
5 Q8 [2 p, c3 W7 J- Ywith full of pimples in face- [7 @8 G2 ~1 [; |
As spotting sky at a summer night3 a8 }  E5 v& U5 j/ R) H5 z
They are shining stars
  D5 {5 f# q1 b, _) g
" W9 _8 z; z* a  a% G9 O* V; vYour lip is so big. q: h: P/ n1 P$ e/ v( t: ?
And that’s good for a kiss
; c1 r! Q) k6 e( H' M! _5 @Your body is chubby
2 H! W- p# V1 F. \2 ?And that is good for sex
; e. U8 T4 q, D+ @7 ~  N2 U
$ p) S0 D& b' N- u/ Q* @% bI was deeply in love4 _& ]. G! b$ }8 m3 C
Everything from you is positive
, w& C* u* b  S& M/ pYou blame me everything and everyday/ O$ g3 V2 r. t* k4 e% i
And I think all girls sound like: Z' {" k: l, B4 [6 `
- l5 Q( e) y: \8 {+ N$ \& W
You could not stand my eating
# ]- [8 l' q2 W3 pSaying no good for making funny sound! x* _: `1 \7 w5 p
I think you are perfectly right) E6 B# W( Y0 l! n9 V
Eating with sound is a pig3 U' r9 ]% b* d0 l

5 e2 l" t4 E8 ?" @+ m8 pI fell in love with you , v% l- R# [& k: l8 F3 Y
Become a fool to think
2 |5 D# u8 A+ jAll trouble things you did% Q# m7 C- o- L# z7 N
And that is the price for love4 \# w) k- t! a9 Z" h3 J3 B

, m: i9 W9 _/ |6 K, zyou are deeply in love& h0 N. J- @6 G" b& s: ^4 q' R
Everything from me is negative
+ `! V% s8 m7 _6 r' ~9 M"My man should be like this,
3 D) R3 c( Z" E! @; a, ^and I am helping you to improve'
2 G- f$ ~2 }- U9 H- c
2 D  k, F$ \) |9 iYou are loving me ! K0 ?5 J4 y! K. D- c
or that one in your mind?
, h2 E1 G( q- w; V( B4 `; rMy mind is like a mud
2 I; Q; Y' w# f8 ]+ D) vcan be shaped whatever you want
+ |% C* B1 [& D* s7 F' {3 H! ~% ~1 [" ]% o
unfortunalety not my heart3 e, B8 [& E9 q) j0 E& Q
It is slashed by you ' u7 {# G  x9 n; t' E8 |( c( S
and I am seriously hurt
. d7 I( E, f/ J- ]1 \. O) V' ?% [3 v7 P) @  M( r/ u
I will never love another
; Q. A# m/ `' r4 F. j. P, _* TIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
, {( q+ q8 b* Gmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

6 [; U" h9 D4 e1 b) ~# m5 z) T4 g0 k) T+ G- i1 L9 p/ `" N: \
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!0 }& S" X1 C) G6 ?0 T
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
- Z2 r# P1 t2 b" s$ u% ?i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.  q6 M, J$ m! |( Y, r) O
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed: d& `% \0 s" V* K  s# S
- r  F9 X! a/ a
with the charm,; l& b. n3 I' ^  S
with the simles.+ T3 O3 p5 f1 B0 J+ d3 J( _
I fell in love with you 1 q7 S' o, b9 P
In the first sign.6 `; q' D! j* a6 D3 e& m
As spotting sky at a summer
% r" v1 T3 w4 z. Z: I
( x4 {1 U7 i% FYour lip is so soft
: g+ r0 @: ~& jthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss& b$ q+ }9 B" U/ {$ u" o
Your body is so sexy7 G- w0 z2 K! D3 J' u8 c
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.! B5 Y$ v0 u0 a9 |4 b1 u, y9 G

0 e" s& [$ m/ a3 H9 BI am deeply in love
5 C( G' E- Y" i* l+ M2 WEverything from you is so charming
- I6 _/ \$ `! R' valthough You r so picky for me
: g4 `, R4 V* O( C! ^/ ^4 @" lAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
6 _: W: {0 [  [9 T5 wBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
4 d$ Y3 C8 c- S
( r: P  l% [, \# U: U$ _3 Q
9 o+ S/ C9 {& x% _: r5 r0 v! M* G+ [His hello is the end of her endings
, x5 j; `# I8 b. VHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle1 O5 C  E( Y$ F2 t: R3 i
His hand would be hers to hold forever
5 {6 M6 }* u! ]* T/ uHis forever is simply as her smile
- S  S  I: ]9 U$ FHe said she was what was missing4 a" a7 c, r( E4 N+ b
She said instantly she knew
2 }9 M% O3 U3 p. f9 a& ^& m/ pShe was a question to be answered0 d7 r: N+ l! N6 X+ M+ w2 u5 A  V
And his answer is
) Q+ Z! [/ T1 H5 w: OI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
/ }' T  b& p0 V+ }4 H$ {9 f7 ]" ]0 l0 m( k& o. ], [
Below is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt' P2 ]3 Y# L' p3 J  ^" M+ W8 w

* a: W5 |" w4 s" j5 bIt's amazing how I felt
2 ?6 I+ M; o, `& T! u3 _1 Rwhen I was with you& \. H, d2 H+ F) N& q
My heart beat so fast% F8 B& u! {7 b# c' j3 i
I looked at you and thought4 ?. ?% s( U3 {" N) k! ?% E* ?
Holy Jesus, you were so cute& f/ U! J% v- E0 w4 l8 j0 |

, j* ?2 K. ?& ^You left me without a word
* t3 d- e0 |# n  Z; b: n1 l* MI have nothing except my emptiness
5 ?0 i# a% f5 ]( w7 [My mood is like a cloud
' r9 R% o# e2 S( _- ^/ u2 ~. E6 ~! jHow could it be dispersed?
$ S6 b6 F. J6 p9 L5 I4 s; K# m  _7 g# M& A4 w! C2 s
Feelings bite my heart 0 m$ n) f' b6 v- r+ D
You are the right one I wait" d# _. r5 H) p2 ^, j9 D
In the depth of my soul5 S- I7 `- o2 Q
I will love you till I'm dead
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 T$ x, W! C: L/ g" f
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道3 d4 D; {8 x0 q, D1 S/ W5 {
就和用中文写一次  F3 K# j9 ~9 v  n0 R& Z6 D4 Y; \/ k
阿,我爱你
8 g  R, b  Z8 w; ]你让我心跳好快1 K6 G9 a4 n8 q$ Y" W& L
你让我脸发热
" t9 k# l% q! W. W我爱上你的大嘴唇
. k1 t" z" c5 B+ m3 uXXXXX( U( O# I; ^& w" Z
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 |: N" v/ w( k' c0 l" F2 s. R$ G" J6 ?+ n! f
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
/ i3 N- X6 i6 R" z$ W( i至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
5 l7 g- }/ E, p闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, C* S/ c; s% n" k% @( Y
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% ?& Z' X; V/ e0 ?( U2 ?就和用中文写一次
+ I$ M7 k5 x" p0 _阿,我爱你! ~) m% O" f, s, _' t4 {: w
你让我心跳好快
2 k% g1 y) b% f$ K8 Y  M你让我脸发热! ]* g' q3 o: O
我爱上你的大嘴唇
# Z/ K  Q4 z, y! a% ~: A! U, d' ?XXXXX
2 ?/ A6 {) R. R! D不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
1 M- R: ?+ O  w& Y  d5 d
1 r' H9 `6 v$ f! e: @( g
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.2 W6 y8 @: `% R% ?) f
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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