我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
$ F" M% e/ e. x7 @/ I
% ?# ~8 Q8 F7 X5 L' k0 W8 P7 FI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
. v+ J8 B4 ^& B! B( W
( a( s% p  x/ d2 o/ K7 ?You have charm, you have looks
, V6 b/ i8 W# }; ]9 y& awith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
3 H: ~# q6 M. K8 U( k
# |6 G" r  ~) H+ mYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
0 r  t2 F7 v" C7 _! E. j' MYour body is chubby
( C2 k5 |- ?8 DAnd that is good for sex

7 Q& d9 e& r% n" M0 JI was deeply in love
# h) ]$ m2 Z4 f0 L, g+ wEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
* ^$ P% @1 A" u( L( n+ lAnd I think all girls sound like
4 y4 B) k( b$ K% g' x& |5 ?- }
/ W. @# P. a- Z% u4 Z" i+ _You could not stand my eating
) H) p) B4 q: L# V  }4 P$ w) bSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
- q1 @. G3 F+ O! g/ uEating with sound is a pig
+ ^0 H5 A/ ~3 v  D! Y+ z% G2 P
I fell in love with you
! ~' }! J5 H5 }/ A5 H$ oBecome a fool to think
' m$ b2 Q1 K$ t( gAll trouble things you did
5 c' L  n0 t) l! y  I5 B4 dAnd that is the price for love

* x! U+ q( g8 G) n# C5 iyou are deeply in love
/ h& ^# l4 T  O5 ]- C9 UEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
; C* O) ^" r1 u( ]0 p6 Oand I am seriously hurt
' k9 L+ ~/ I- U" t
I will never love another
0 _- P' ?* u4 m( ~If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
( t( ?3 G6 A' v, Y& V; Omy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

/ b- D+ z6 D, ]+ Q9 `咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
9 A5 o8 Q) C9 fwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
7 @" u- f  h' i' E9 t* ~, V+ o& \) qAs spotting sky at a summer
" F. F4 ]2 o; v  f1 E$ o0 O  E
; \" M# ]- I7 VYour lip is so soft
; c: k- G3 W5 M* U3 S. J6 athere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
7 B- R, L1 q, ~$ l( nYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
# C. }0 H% z+ n, c* Y1 K2 O
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
5 f3 h1 n5 f1 w$ h: Dalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


, f) j! T$ x7 U% @2 K6 m2 XHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
: V2 W$ Z: O" L, p+ HHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
, R  C# v- b! D5 g: i5 [She said instantly she knew
+ a0 O+ u, v! O" TShe was a question to be answered
% e( ^# U5 d" }And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
) X8 K8 o4 p0 Z: y- w
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
$ a" \. Y. x! k2 Y# w/ DI looked at you and thought
# a, n) l$ Z' F9 D- ~" D/ ^Holy Jesus, you were so cute

2 s, A0 k7 j8 I2 K/ j2 W, {  AYou left me without a word
) n" P0 {# q$ ^9 r1 Y' pI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
1 L( d' q. {1 g! r3 j0 Q5 t" u( CHow could it be dispersed?
, C; H5 g- ^1 m: Z, D4 L, E
6 p) _+ o) e9 t, o0 ~# z% L0 ZFeelings bite my heart
5 }* a9 a: q: L5 ]- E% UYou are the right one I wait
8 Q2 U0 I  w6 i& dIn the depth of my soul
* u6 l+ r! c# f, s6 l* |I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
- P* d+ u" q2 F6 ~/ L3 @你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, L0 p2 S5 [+ \5 U$ C2 S就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 |, k0 C5 `) hXXXXX
5 V" R6 K3 [; k- h2 ~不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
( R. `' T0 }2 u1 x( i9 o8 ^; k' J阿,我爱你
6 E' `+ S9 \0 @你让我心跳好快
9 l; J" p! O5 ?+ X- \你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 c! s( t3 V! B+ X- U) d, H% gXXXXX
( J, J& _" |) k" C不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

$ p' @6 C1 J- [* G* P0 R; T靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
/ J4 B  y$ [9 j9 P9 B3 R0 ?! j5 L

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。