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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love0 P0 M9 ?6 k' |) v- p
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I fell in love with you , f3 l# e3 G/ }7 r) w. U; K
At the first week we met
1 F# p( Y7 t, n: A; \
/ l: d. K, _9 b2 R$ uYou have charm, you have looks
3 s' U  G; T8 `& z9 vwith full of pimples in face: s+ n% e$ L" l- Y% x
As spotting sky at a summer night
, F/ M& }& n7 f+ X1 Q. @& c# U+ aThey are shining stars
9 z9 ~, S3 @$ C, Q9 k4 B. e! x; p2 r( {
Your lip is so big- z9 I* b  H  E" q( ?  K
And that’s good for a kiss3 a( \7 W7 p& U$ \8 b
Your body is chubby
$ y% @1 B; N3 n5 J& W) O" A7 tAnd that is good for sex
; O, a# f7 A5 E9 _
! R6 D3 O' q: }I was deeply in love3 n; ]4 U3 a% {3 M! ]) c" v
Everything from you is positive
" P/ w$ [) ]: a$ LYou blame me everything and everyday: m+ @9 Z; R8 j: J! x. q! V
And I think all girls sound like" M* V. F* U+ v: A" a& ^( g

1 O( P* S9 R* K; V# C# eYou could not stand my eating$ l3 x* {8 c  a4 S8 B
Saying no good for making funny sound
3 O: e3 x& Y$ {  |- z$ L7 J6 [5 RI think you are perfectly right: ?# f8 G  X4 ~: w7 {
Eating with sound is a pig5 ?* V8 }7 {8 Y( p4 N0 a4 r& \0 s
' D1 {0 o3 M& Q% h# ^0 E+ \
I fell in love with you ( h4 S& L! x4 V8 c9 P( ]
Become a fool to think
1 |/ ?% Q# l( i8 M  l/ Z& Q" ZAll trouble things you did! w. g- y; N. B2 \; p2 l
And that is the price for love
: p, s7 |) ]4 }. [5 P& f6 R2 z# Z: h- a* B7 Z! [
you are deeply in love
- Z% ]1 j/ m# q7 S( ZEverything from me is negative
7 M$ {+ |/ `% S6 V$ s  a"My man should be like this,
# M0 Y* V6 C: c) x% Q# j3 L* [7 kand I am helping you to improve'5 x" i9 B% Q# C6 l

  o3 L4 V8 ^% kYou are loving me
7 L7 J! _6 z" A3 q- e+ Y+ \4 uor that one in your mind?2 b9 P& N0 m' G1 ~; |% y
My mind is like a mud3 Y2 Q+ E- @8 y+ I3 T8 w' a6 k. N
can be shaped whatever you want
9 b6 d% n! n: h7 G% G* J4 a8 A! W% U9 ^* r5 N  \( E* o. w# U' Z
unfortunalety not my heart
) l, E+ R/ c2 |0 [It is slashed by you 7 P3 O) C. }- {4 J* w
and I am seriously hurt
; k7 J0 q2 d0 J  R" ~. ^
& m& ~! y1 l: ?+ DI will never love another - k% t' R$ w: ~1 _# Q- N' R0 s
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 . Z* J3 Y1 s' M
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

) R; g" n. a/ X/ c! G- N% P3 U* r5 X+ B& c0 E4 {2 x
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
2 h3 _9 _- D' K; m* x+ d不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 7 y" v% ?3 ]( a: {* x1 z( X- ^
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.# [& E. j6 ~- k  C
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed0 i# i6 g* b+ ?7 \
6 O: G% N+ S# d' F& m0 d& |
with the charm,: p4 H' H, w; B2 }/ `5 w0 ^
with the simles.9 @* @7 l5 z) I
I fell in love with you " \# I- @! g* B9 O" p
In the first sign.5 a: K' e/ Y( {6 C. r# d- G
As spotting sky at a summer ( I1 G. V- \1 g# r

- a2 N# u( G! `6 D' k+ ~1 T5 @5 BYour lip is so soft # ~" g6 m' N( d  X4 _
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
5 {% `- d- N% F5 FYour body is so sexy: k9 g1 p$ @6 |2 d
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
2 X% B3 b% H2 R; N6 y0 ~# K! E4 ~+ {. F2 K% y
I am deeply in love3 P8 G% ?, x& d# u: s
Everything from you is so charming) n! z' x, c) M2 V* L
although You r so picky for me * k% A! o" F; n; g1 a, Z7 l
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
2 w- m/ q$ m& ^! C. OBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem* `) f% F5 {4 R1 a8 z

2 C. h, |  b2 ]/ B6 K
8 c/ I8 d& m: y2 QHis hello is the end of her endings9 Z$ W; w% r* X' G( A  Z0 E
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle. g% i, h# z6 y; m) V) X! M! Q
His hand would be hers to hold forever
  o# j1 j! R$ z4 c$ I6 T9 B' F# J# FHis forever is simply as her smile % \1 M1 C3 @( g& C2 H
He said she was what was missing
) t2 _3 a; F: XShe said instantly she knew: y& z' L  U. F/ m8 d, O9 n) s
She was a question to be answered
! t  n  g' c* qAnd his answer is " n) b" q, e/ R$ N3 n
I do
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt" N4 p5 `4 f/ P* x7 O" k6 S( U
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It's amazing how I felt
6 T( K5 M# q! F0 jwhen I was with you' d0 r: U. a' d4 h7 H* D. X  W
My heart beat so fast  f3 _4 `' ?0 f  Y0 R
I looked at you and thought
0 ^& ]; g  c6 F1 w* kHoly Jesus, you were so cute3 W% e5 Q) l" f  f% a
* T" ]7 i( {6 C, P. D$ v
You left me without a word
* c) }1 M0 q1 V) m  c3 o: UI have nothing except my emptiness
! L3 s2 G! W) |- s' v' n; `2 uMy mood is like a cloud1 g% t% p0 H5 s! U# j9 X7 a
How could it be dispersed?
4 s% N3 \6 e5 j! _) ^% n; |# k, Y# }! i
Feelings bite my heart
1 c0 O. n7 ]- h, H. Q# r( C9 {; eYou are the right one I wait
+ `1 {4 A9 k( D, N2 pIn the depth of my soul
$ J4 [9 O& e: R/ _- q" kI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ G+ ], D1 Q7 C: D. @2 w你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道; z+ y3 v# v* R
就和用中文写一次
) S5 l1 k; t# m6 N阿,我爱你
5 @  ~6 B  K: `你让我心跳好快: s2 }  N) d8 x$ x- q/ u, M
你让我脸发热
4 w' i* W; o* O  O  ]7 [3 Y我爱上你的大嘴唇
) W( H5 Q9 O0 I! P+ `, VXXXXX4 ^# t6 b- n! Q) I" m/ @
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?! l1 H- q; N  ^# q2 f3 p
- b& h8 b2 h8 N. d( L" ]7 {+ x! y3 k
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER. W7 c$ _; z- D( B3 ?
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
: `2 t$ h5 _8 I: G闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* }1 d% k3 W3 B2 ^
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道- Z- C2 V0 }/ w; X4 _$ ?4 P
就和用中文写一次
1 R  C# n7 B! C- j4 }# f: t阿,我爱你
8 H: x% a1 W! G  P- U2 ]6 \% G& m3 Y你让我心跳好快
9 l. T  C( k/ o' e你让我脸发热
& O/ v$ s) G6 `0 E$ X我爱上你的大嘴唇
, f/ f$ |! [1 I2 iXXXXX
( k/ t3 A% D+ Q7 p3 X不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
2 E, ]$ r( {8 Y9 @

, Q0 y' v' Q; ]0 b) w靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.8 j& D: w/ f7 D( [- d! ^1 `' S
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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