我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

7 O( J" E3 a$ ]0 C9 _I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

1 w- w6 V1 r7 s! Z4 v1 a2 hYou have charm, you have looks
& X# O% J/ S: F# Y/ r8 `with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
8 u" H# a4 l- {1 P6 g9 B0 |And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
( c% [( G2 T( m% R7 HAnd that is good for sex
) b/ O6 f: j$ @4 Q9 b2 ]* g
I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
) Q8 ?, E7 U  W* _# r+ DYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
: ~# i9 Q! D) p, C: v
2 |' B& s! s. wYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
3 H/ Q; c; b3 |9 I' X' B9 jI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
; H4 g5 s) u; P3 _+ X9 ^  {) a1 z
5 M/ O  r9 d" [5 b$ C! Z6 SI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
: M$ w/ O$ b+ C  ]& tAnd that is the price for love
( D5 w) a9 V2 {
) R: B5 G) p; n3 S! ryou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
; ~' f& ]; t- ^; v0 C" u( M5 t/ L"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

" ~. Z8 m% R7 V$ R. ?  HYou are loving me
) b' T* @5 X; |% A; {" q- Gor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
; [7 b9 c0 A" _. i4 f; N+ `can be shaped whatever you want

/ t* e- C) M3 `% xunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
) b! u& r5 J9 J$ m! l7 land I am seriously hurt
$ ]7 ]+ N) N4 U0 J
6 o* l2 M( O4 c, |" AI will never love another
* L; S; _# X3 t! |' pIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
: ~; k, F. I- m: {) Smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% _* y9 Y$ Z! s* u+ i
% T& t1 i4 u; @4 N# n咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
/ n, x' Q6 D# v% u9 ~不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
0 q1 ~- A+ m, U# r# KAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

# f0 f$ K" N% Y; X3 m& J/ a2 twith the charm,
7 W/ {' U  }3 g' u0 y! Z" a# [with the simles.
- L) ^; {/ R: hI fell in love with you
: q; O$ f$ @, T: y" s3 eIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
1 f% }0 g$ O6 q. c/ p/ @0 vthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
0 p! A. q6 n' N, BYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

8 ~) U6 S& E" k$ ~: O" B5 aI am deeply in love
% ]) Y# M' m5 e# ?6 {; mEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
4 i: l' n' u. N* ~And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

( J/ Y; R6 P$ X7 w1 K# i. c
8 {9 O. b) F/ ~; [* F- o3 hHis hello is the end of her endings
) u* G6 J  V9 F( SHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
0 Y9 I9 ~! t$ BI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
0 \/ |& D' A( Q4 J
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
; ?/ N! Z3 S( Q: [8 Z0 Jwhen I was with you
' z" n+ a0 c7 b3 g. C6 ?4 P6 vMy heart beat so fast
) `: ^5 ^& q1 V6 \I looked at you and thought
$ G6 x; u: v& t% z. E! y# |: BHoly Jesus, you were so cute

0 a+ F$ B' \2 c8 HYou left me without a word
' r' u$ i" W+ v1 E$ c9 O/ HI have nothing except my emptiness
3 G8 \* Y5 r4 g! HMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
7 |2 b% q  }; Z8 B- u2 q7 Q6 t4 M
Feelings bite my heart
( o5 O# B5 Q+ `; d& X5 r3 u  ^You are the right one I wait
" w/ S5 G: `/ wIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
3 v# a9 K3 Z, k/ u5 {你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
. @9 \! K- ?  @0 c我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 w& a& F3 `3 O5 |: _. |8 IXXXXX
2 [4 \  X$ z8 @- E2 }% t3 |不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
% h! ^$ j" o: P4 F闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
4 W" M; _0 T" j5 u3 G你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 h- U; Y* s0 Q1 z  ?$ K5 z就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
5 z7 R  _. s8 R6 F你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
4 m. ?- Q3 U/ Y# O我爱上你的大嘴唇
# o3 L& r8 o- d2 BXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
, X, q/ s: m2 M

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。