我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

: N6 Z" z7 k' S1 O6 ^I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
' ]; p4 K* d  |* K1 T+ x5 b3 b
You have charm, you have looks
# q4 V5 D( o8 e: B& ?! O9 ?+ twith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
0 `5 p1 g8 i7 d! uThey are shining stars

  d; w4 S9 a/ e8 d1 m' F, XYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
2 ^+ u% A7 o% ^4 _9 W. d% {Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
0 \  v" F1 B& R! q* m
7 y; C" T  `+ ]  C- c! w  B& NI was deeply in love
8 g/ z) a; ^7 j! J5 gEverything from you is positive
" s. M1 r! k( c$ B4 s, N2 c$ KYou blame me everything and everyday
+ W2 r2 x4 @1 b1 h; oAnd I think all girls sound like
3 t7 a, x) L& S$ F, f1 ^3 X
# Q* f; t& m8 L: ~' B( gYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
( @5 @4 b, {9 ?8 z* P) gEating with sound is a pig
$ _6 o$ r0 l( S
7 r$ T/ a' J, x! ], YI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
# u; T+ I( i. w, u) E% j( J' S, b
you are deeply in love
# @, m2 {8 U* k2 e. ]Everything from me is negative
: ?" ~- b. q/ Y"My man should be like this,
& }+ c  M( F4 w0 N: u5 oand I am helping you to improve'
% a! \1 f, }# n) |8 \
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
6 n, K7 P" ]" A$ M) P+ V
unfortunalety not my heart
5 q& i! B1 l' [& BIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
% a& |$ ?+ P. K; w" l7 A8 E
" K6 D9 o: b! ~5 r$ }I will never love another
/ V) k, @5 e1 b7 n7 }0 PIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
5 g6 n+ P4 S* g, [! E( b. y" Dmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

6 E5 D% E+ @& ]) ^. I咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
0 A7 @  ^  R3 D6 Ci am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
* w2 y" i) f' ?* P' y+ D1 pAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
9 E( \: ^& Y! ~2 I! O6 x9 awith the simles.
I fell in love with you
3 Y9 \. i1 `: u: h' \. ?# L7 tIn the first sign.
3 n+ M3 c2 @( q8 Z# K. DAs spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ r/ y; p0 U) C; E5 gYour body is so sexy
: w+ S' G( g# y% G' K. J" BAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 X/ ^' o2 x7 O0 C
0 N' }( {0 w6 [I am deeply in love
# X2 c5 C' B1 {$ T  @Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
. T$ _$ u. P) c. o2 `6 v: sAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
) v, O( `- E' p6 e) i

His hello is the end of her endings
$ a0 c7 z/ @( wHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 m) u1 N+ Y. w" O: T. b7 UHis hand would be hers to hold forever
1 E5 a  b' [3 ?- y" qHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
3 Q- o3 O% ^+ C& \7 yShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
: H! ?8 X- k. CAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
' M1 R% b" S8 ?* m, X- q7 r$ h0 i
5 m) _% A) N$ YBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
7 G. S9 c& V8 u& s1 ~5 ~) qwhen I was with you
$ O; F  F9 s; _7 \# j7 J' rMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
4 w: s& M- ]8 O8 o7 N/ q; s* p3 FHoly Jesus, you were so cute

3 ?: O  C& L" o+ H" R5 h9 ~You left me without a word
9 z1 J0 a8 \' M* T+ uI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
% O; Q8 `& |& P% M
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
( T- j% m  A5 E* s3 s( o+ p/ L$ cI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
! v9 p. Y* j4 u阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
$ A4 C2 z2 p& K6 k2 C: w0 t/ `( a; o你让我脸发热
7 n. W7 p  p) n" D$ J0 u( A我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 Y( S( t+ s( o2 i% RXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
. A/ K7 R2 M* y  e1 `) D4 v9 w7 B
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
- t8 x3 r; h3 t# J6 y阿,我爱你
& H7 H' v/ v3 A! `5 B- d; R你让我心跳好快
$ w. o3 y4 J5 J- K你让我脸发热
8 E( D$ X. Q+ `我爱上你的大嘴唇
. x& F' }; H& f7 `, O6 W5 U+ DXXXXX
  B% S/ ^4 J3 f' k* ?7 x不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

+ N$ F# N4 q0 u6 w! `
* y8 B* J( J, d& m5 |) g: ?" Y( X靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
/ J0 Z+ _, C8 U1 \

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。