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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love6 I# F  Z. {: f4 p; l

, B' G/ u1 z+ t: _0 Q; c- m& x" HI fell in love with you
2 L, I9 z) r$ UAt the first week we met
) \, O/ T# |5 b' K. r
, O% M" t6 N4 G2 M- S( kYou have charm, you have looks# k8 ?0 ~8 u' m3 I
with full of pimples in face
$ h9 q; u* l  G* `As spotting sky at a summer night/ H6 ^4 [9 h7 @1 E* n- i/ \
They are shining stars
* e% n4 M* U/ p/ G
. [3 C; U& v. k7 J; A2 ]Your lip is so big: f- e6 v0 B9 n2 w- K$ u
And that’s good for a kiss5 H9 d1 {! `, n$ @! q6 i, |
Your body is chubby
* Z) G2 T& S# y. I  W4 q1 r4 A/ fAnd that is good for sex
0 t# k# @% [6 V" h% z
5 M" e, N. }# XI was deeply in love
! Q; A% M) q8 Y8 IEverything from you is positive
  E5 V' h9 b# Q, p* Y9 m- VYou blame me everything and everyday  Q& T/ \/ {: [6 s# V
And I think all girls sound like6 P- n7 [; x$ R! g. P  y$ V
- j* C, r. Y! l. j) L% R
You could not stand my eating
& r3 N9 X3 [8 v( K; m' L/ S9 S1 HSaying no good for making funny sound
2 i; ]4 L  x( t* O8 r" EI think you are perfectly right( N- X# v% @0 f# g
Eating with sound is a pig
! w9 [9 Q9 T- U; q; p( _3 Z2 t% X
! _( A2 J% O! c( \5 yI fell in love with you # U8 s7 i1 y$ R
Become a fool to think; z1 V) D2 m4 q- e. c( e) |$ A
All trouble things you did
- h8 {+ A5 c0 E) g( aAnd that is the price for love
5 S4 M$ \1 S& u9 i. V( \1 v
; _( M9 q0 T# Cyou are deeply in love
' e7 ~. Z5 T9 ~) p; }! b9 e, ~Everything from me is negative1 L! e; g+ V" g. U+ \4 N1 }
"My man should be like this,8 i, H0 ]6 V+ ?4 V, X1 q  X* V
and I am helping you to improve'7 D. ]5 g6 w& z, N! C; Z

7 s! U  K8 R! [9 t6 f+ |* kYou are loving me
; U  W/ \. q/ [3 E( nor that one in your mind?
) ^$ w5 h  A/ e0 @My mind is like a mud
3 P( d8 K* W, n, I: R# ncan be shaped whatever you want, u" Z6 B! J! Y2 s7 p3 k

; N  H2 ~% v) C4 `7 Hunfortunalety not my heart2 h+ k$ g) [- Z; n/ C7 I" `
It is slashed by you # v* D; [9 o  F( F) x- R6 z( r
and I am seriously hurt. H$ C7 y) o7 I0 k; m/ Q, r: U

9 K1 R7 _6 n+ g4 G: PI will never love another . C; K9 u9 o# ^8 ~- {
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
1 y: N. Z$ q2 N1 {! l  i/ qmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
& F' L: N+ [. J9 K. |$ b7 K

5 d* E2 B3 C6 g7 P% K" \$ e! T咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!$ H/ ?$ k, i5 t5 P% p) n
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 9 ^: H" ]7 _& U
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.( o! }2 J4 {5 s* y" ]1 p) F
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed) @# M/ Z2 i8 ~6 B- O

8 w/ W0 o' @; L5 qwith the charm,- Y$ M& V* P; E- u% k9 o
with the simles.
) i% p" N' {% _/ u* D4 D: r/ KI fell in love with you * I8 u1 y( K8 I7 R" D4 T  x
In the first sign.. I( ]% i: r5 r) z" h7 Y
As spotting sky at a summer # s1 Y% J6 m, H# `0 T! Q- G
& g2 P& e+ q' Y7 j
Your lip is so soft 3 h  e  {  ^( ^: a4 q
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
" B% S4 M$ H9 z9 U0 T3 iYour body is so sexy* n6 q  |9 L; }/ Y1 ~/ e% |
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
, ]$ l$ ]! T) r! [8 m/ r
- Z  G6 m# N  C9 k: LI am deeply in love1 p7 n# m, C3 P8 \0 Q
Everything from you is so charming* Q/ m+ Z- g* |- r! g% B
although You r so picky for me 3 \5 o$ a5 D7 `4 r, M1 |5 [
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.0 H& @; b! C9 Z
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
1 H8 |8 {* l+ w  D5 Z; }8 m
, y9 r# @3 t8 _
0 B. P. j# o+ V+ e) G9 l. PHis hello is the end of her endings* M: {: V& B# ]# n
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
1 R$ G! l1 n' _/ z  _" b- ]His hand would be hers to hold forever
+ J% Y7 E3 _# RHis forever is simply as her smile + ~/ W+ u9 i" B* K' q* j5 ]: A; L
He said she was what was missing
1 f* R' u: r# G: N8 e+ ZShe said instantly she knew% N0 `" m4 `+ K
She was a question to be answered
2 ~. F: E$ g$ Y1 a$ GAnd his answer is # h! r8 r8 ~2 |
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas; D- f- z- L& I% A
- j5 |. v: _! j) c, ^% }9 n8 y4 ?& H
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
& _1 {6 C2 Z# a3 t3 N; H& ~$ H, G% H+ q
It's amazing how I felt
- O1 i: ?3 z6 r) M$ R0 d) Owhen I was with you0 {2 r9 n/ m  k
My heart beat so fast
' d$ p2 v( C0 P4 |3 z6 d0 WI looked at you and thought
$ [& n9 i4 }! @* MHoly Jesus, you were so cute7 S2 L4 \* [0 L& L  u6 }2 w" n

9 B& f$ V: x$ A7 x: D3 g' \8 FYou left me without a word. ^6 @$ L: [8 C2 o/ |
I have nothing except my emptiness
( |4 [, K2 c1 hMy mood is like a cloud# i8 ]$ {1 i" `1 @" I3 q
How could it be dispersed?
6 K$ R# p/ X) ?$ y4 n1 L
" i. t" B5 E, F8 e" ~Feelings bite my heart $ Z: U, V* |& z3 V- Y# M, ?
You are the right one I wait
$ T! o! x4 b5 A( |+ bIn the depth of my soul5 g; @; N% }1 p0 s; t
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美9 ?6 g, d) z% u; v5 `$ l9 M4 T) q
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
0 h; D- L8 b1 ]' I5 z就和用中文写一次" X7 z2 W# B' S2 C5 I
阿,我爱你; ]* o* [- h& `/ @8 @7 H2 _' [1 [
你让我心跳好快
! W" z$ h- ?$ O你让我脸发热
) a( S# }" |: g; B/ i" @我爱上你的大嘴唇
2 @5 o; M$ z0 X" {XXXXX1 A# f& g9 [6 P6 T) V) i4 l5 Y: o5 T
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
2 j# j$ x4 J9 f1 A; t/ a: \6 z
/ ]  `" ~  U; \" \8 F% h6 _0 Y: G. F如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER3 ?) A( B9 F' `
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
5 L$ _4 a/ W% u# A1 [4 V9 o' T7 `" O闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
3 {$ I6 _) f4 R. q) k* n你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道4 L6 O$ U: y* X: }1 m
就和用中文写一次
* ]. P: R; s3 Z0 W; h阿,我爱你- P, S. z' q+ G  @  u, w  u9 B
你让我心跳好快
  D5 L3 \/ A* E4 z9 t* s你让我脸发热1 T7 l! w# {( A  E7 y4 L
我爱上你的大嘴唇
( J" N( T  F  G$ r: xXXXXX' F: X: G0 y3 W$ R) m7 a0 h
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

( y; B8 C) H4 z! l- |' F. k( C
4 Z7 t3 W) H, n/ Q1 L+ Z靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.  e3 i6 u5 E( `
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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