我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
$ }; Q; y+ D0 j5 @1 t* ~
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

7 o7 n2 F( M/ ]; RYou have charm, you have looks
, ^  ~& q$ p$ U6 C" s+ X6 swith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
+ k! H( n7 Y! e- k1 eAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
- t( }. i4 ?, a7 _# j0 U7 e! w4 dAnd that is good for sex
+ J. @/ v6 h, r) t9 F& ?' _8 J. K
I was deeply in love
9 J3 P9 h, P- Y& a( j& A; K# Q, {" rEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

/ z$ C2 F9 N6 H' q6 F6 x) B4 u  MYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
+ }. |/ ~4 i5 k, vEating with sound is a pig
- I/ y$ P" i) X, N5 w
I fell in love with you
( g" e: w. _: Z2 F: v9 TBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
( s  A! a' P9 x$ q' T6 _
9 k4 r! `6 ?" tyou are deeply in love
; q- j/ P& X1 W, A) y2 aEverything from me is negative
; L8 m  T3 f  |7 l$ |! p. d& k& B: ]4 e"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

6 `7 y! Q" ?1 ^  L0 j8 NYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
8 p; {* y4 e. q6 `. a: Lcan be shaped whatever you want

+ ?. q% U# v" N0 N1 ?; r! Gunfortunalety not my heart
4 A3 a# m1 H, A; u7 z3 @It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
+ x' c6 A% j# f: R) h$ n
4 l( N- @* m3 \$ q, [I will never love another
$ @+ a. S, `$ _4 @! \  E. G, M8 fIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
7 W. }2 B2 @; z! {my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

8 B) g/ q2 r; \: w2 z
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 ?$ j  Q1 G# W不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
/ l' T. H( _3 H, S4 }  N& @i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 g% p5 q- U$ _( J0 PAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
# `" P2 Q1 |+ n4 d% D& v! O: q
with the charm,
1 q0 C* d% `/ @. B" K( H2 wwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
! D& u2 ?5 [% p" L7 C1 p5 AIn the first sign.
8 d( c3 P, Q1 v$ R; LAs spotting sky at a summer
) [$ V9 Q! q  P2 J% W1 H* _
Your lip is so soft
: x% n* O, d" fthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
- r; ]1 K) K6 ~2 K& V1 ]although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


) A5 c" ]6 f/ wHis hello is the end of her endings
" y, u& ]6 @6 v! |9 ~Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( [* z) V3 A+ S; g, e1 M6 Z4 KHis hand would be hers to hold forever
5 H& S5 b5 Z4 V, ~' `4 Z$ i: m+ L9 IHis forever is simply as her smile
% ]) D* p: u, m$ QHe said she was what was missing
* B% I# G0 V) n! n1 X# g7 v# e' iShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
8 Q3 N9 m3 S! e+ k- b& f2 wI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

& D# V1 f( G. [* b) ?/ N2 V+ zBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
9 W# g1 x/ A( X4 x3 B
& Z6 g2 R! i5 M6 ~+ u: ]It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
/ `0 B+ Q8 W( ]* n4 ~- A' ZHoly Jesus, you were so cute

  ]% O$ w3 b+ I/ m% [You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
7 J' n* k4 f- DMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
; Q. k$ b" g5 ]* T& r
Feelings bite my heart
8 H. j* s* a% A3 o( h+ ^/ T0 y' ]You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, k: f1 n4 s9 x. c5 t你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 O; v8 s' i; k% t1 x" V就和用中文写一次
. k- d1 W; e8 W% j4 R! b阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
6 w/ K6 T/ ?9 m; y- N9 T我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
. d, Y6 r: e0 }- n* U) l不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
4 O5 `1 N0 p7 a3 L你让我心跳好快
" F$ `# Y+ h1 Y$ e/ \你让我脸发热
7 ?. {; O" y6 |& z* f& ]我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
4 b8 I" b4 m  t" Y$ J9 Z; `不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

4 T, ^, ^5 K/ b- B& q2 ]8 Q* `) O* A2 W靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
, o( Y% |! M; Y* q

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。