我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
5 L# ]% r1 r: E7 q/ `! f5 h: [
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
1 }3 q9 t* f. ?. j1 Z0 d3 H" DThey are shining stars
! w* Z) ~, C4 |
, \0 b( d2 Q5 U# P" `Your lip is so big
/ Y; ?2 T9 l; G- u2 W5 D  x. LAnd that’s good for a kiss
% t  G9 V" a# v6 r4 p- UYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
1 R0 W9 w8 i3 }- e8 |* B+ s0 V
; ^9 g7 W8 k1 b% v  G0 XI was deeply in love
2 N$ m7 K0 K' {- z! NEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
9 N7 x. I4 h8 g( W
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
; D$ G7 y* ~  ?+ ~' y+ }" lEating with sound is a pig
# E! L' j1 _7 J8 l* [/ ~3 J2 ]
% y0 z1 S- T. D9 r9 Y' pI fell in love with you
' R/ T# r' M7 Q& b& V- _# L" nBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
( q! X0 Z3 K4 X* qAnd that is the price for love
3 y$ s8 O: |# R$ E7 D* p) w* B
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
" x% o8 V+ r2 X0 i8 K"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

3 \# j: P, _- M5 LYou are loving me
7 n2 b4 k) _) {+ s7 Z4 bor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
  ~( K# D3 P, H: g: I( |
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
, H8 _: w$ q- t. e% {7 P" Hand I am seriously hurt
* T1 n% M" t! `, U/ s/ j, _2 G6 B% o
5 p( C- k5 V6 h/ p/ ]. \5 ^) BI will never love another
$ z: i; X9 {0 x* aIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
$ g  q7 @8 ]- k) xmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

* ^3 q& {) C" ^  u咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
0 H' H8 Z7 {' ki am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
7 l( @) s2 C, V
9 ^7 u9 m2 f  Mwith the charm,
  |- L# h! E/ W8 t' j2 k# s7 ]with the simles.
, n6 D& b+ }( c+ |! OI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

& S+ \9 Z1 A% X1 x9 I2 Y8 s- SI am deeply in love
) Q3 d+ ?6 t; U# z$ @$ PEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) E8 t8 @* S# A4 R. kBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
- x& G. c' H. G; ~) p4 R$ I
% I5 E  U. z% {: y, {( V: J
7 B, I7 G8 J: G) eHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' M1 A  g4 E1 w0 E: u% dHis hand would be hers to hold forever
  G" \) g% r" k1 V6 Z2 xHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
( V# m3 [) @/ m0 ?She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
: T& Q' l) P  Z: h. k4 jAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ e  F0 S8 G$ a1 W
! G' G0 k( v5 G8 x2 n* |Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
  M/ D; V& @0 ?9 b7 e1 z
It's amazing how I felt
! t$ Q  ~' @7 |, L8 _; ]when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
& s6 f) E- ]3 V- Z/ O0 EI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

/ ~& P9 w) r7 S* w, oFeelings bite my heart
! u& O" W7 d4 [8 H0 {: H- r; q9 Y) RYou are the right one I wait
. U9 a/ o8 K3 YIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
- C  J0 y7 l' M4 Z8 f% E4 `阿,我爱你
' B8 L% K, Y' U你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" K$ v* o( q$ d: E* DXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
& @  F8 V) H; X+ R* x
" t7 b) ]$ a( m如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
; \. }5 w3 L5 c闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" ]2 R: d8 u; i: H5 v7 v你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
) |9 J8 l; S: b2 I你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
* O, y4 ~6 t+ w( f4 o( U我爱上你的大嘴唇
: q: }- r4 \( B2 g+ e, q7 x1 i6 tXXXXX
2 ]1 X5 m8 U! C) t不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

7 F* f% v2 s% j* o
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。