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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
' ^, m' W0 i3 |- y9 C2 i7 ?# Z; U8 V+ K. a/ _1 M
I fell in love with you 6 K; j) S' z. ]+ C" b1 `% l
At the first week we met
$ j7 w& Z7 r& l" B) d; M  i8 ^- B. }8 S' B
You have charm, you have looks  T- \: w2 ~1 Q. s% r# A# a
with full of pimples in face8 q4 o4 e# z% }) t% N1 y
As spotting sky at a summer night/ }" n9 l/ v1 [2 y( R
They are shining stars
& z% a( v6 O- W$ Y$ J$ v$ l, g# J' D* ~3 P( J2 p) l
Your lip is so big
' y' J3 J! U, r" A4 k2 ^( `: qAnd that’s good for a kiss4 \7 B" W. {/ q' h/ e/ s- H
Your body is chubby. a$ F& g1 ^) Z2 m- c( R* l+ x
And that is good for sex
& p  L/ Z% ~" c/ i- T0 n" o1 ?2 e8 u7 h% k  D7 b3 c+ q5 H5 }4 t
I was deeply in love8 R6 w8 r- ?* d* u2 s! }
Everything from you is positive
! F- x$ S/ u% g7 K! bYou blame me everything and everyday
- P7 C, ^7 {6 sAnd I think all girls sound like
/ @- C. s. D- L' ?2 |4 y- _8 ~7 B7 ~1 I; V0 Y: ^
You could not stand my eating; l5 D! h- P- R8 o7 x$ w1 Z
Saying no good for making funny sound4 @# ?) W1 U2 e( c: a( S( p
I think you are perfectly right
1 v5 g/ U; v' f- X* _' dEating with sound is a pig
+ A( w- S& u8 }: X& Q
8 i( j0 R* B7 _. V  H/ iI fell in love with you
, Q+ P8 T# s( k" iBecome a fool to think' g9 `+ g% x: m0 p1 M
All trouble things you did5 U# [1 ^( I/ p; B
And that is the price for love0 W$ m! I4 O, `$ f
9 ^  f" |* I4 I0 j0 c/ [4 R
you are deeply in love$ ~& @# \# x% g- O
Everything from me is negative
3 a+ Q* }! ~* Q! u8 O' R"My man should be like this,) X' \, {( v* V1 M# m* Z
and I am helping you to improve'
& ^; G0 p/ C! x8 k5 n: A( P$ X5 b) I" m" t4 m: t; S  |5 Z
You are loving me % o6 i0 s$ _& B8 q* ^
or that one in your mind?) s% {7 }1 I& C6 A- H
My mind is like a mud6 ]: D: o3 w7 d/ b3 R; q
can be shaped whatever you want
; \; M1 q; {1 P( }6 O- B- S* A1 }  I( Z2 {7 l% D6 R' J5 Z* U& B
unfortunalety not my heart
, c% f7 \$ w# E4 [6 XIt is slashed by you 7 M1 z# P7 J, y$ K1 f
and I am seriously hurt
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I will never love another - ?4 m+ s% I; k
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 $ X" h, c) ]* p( s( n" ]9 t* x0 M
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

/ R# F2 P" q  V& Q0 }  [
  F1 C! N9 K% o, Y+ b咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
# [8 q: E, H8 t& g8 J7 x2 {# T  o3 T' z不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
+ y% F8 _# r8 Wi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
4 C/ O2 G9 J8 t% P8 t# N5 ~And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
! _4 _2 i, [) G" q: O: _
2 P9 I# v6 R0 V; J: [with the charm,
+ n9 V  l. U8 u( E9 _with the simles.
/ V8 P+ t8 p( [* k/ N* PI fell in love with you 6 P! u7 ~' l# T$ H+ J0 i
In the first sign.
  i: n0 z* D" }7 Z' b# M- nAs spotting sky at a summer
1 c! H. T% U( `: ~: m
$ [1 w8 u- y+ R) u# @5 a. RYour lip is so soft ( N3 D% s' z1 Z, r
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss0 p5 M! ]+ s( t, b# l$ w& h
Your body is so sexy
: w3 w4 @7 i" a! p7 M5 V# c2 aAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
8 g4 \2 H: `8 S) g+ [& m" C
% j$ Y7 f3 c; t! H- j, I9 }I am deeply in love  k/ u$ w; U* M: X6 _9 r
Everything from you is so charming
4 \! a* S3 {& y1 [4 valthough You r so picky for me
: Y& O2 m: O  ~7 W% n1 t& KAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2." F' j8 D3 Z, R9 T
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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1 W+ m: ~/ Q; k* z2 n2 O  Q0 i$ G' K6 h, X1 M: C4 v8 z8 k# }
His hello is the end of her endings
6 e1 A( X- f8 X/ bHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
8 o0 P8 l; `% @1 {, g8 j% lHis hand would be hers to hold forever  p$ F; w' b- |4 r) d
His forever is simply as her smile " |! Q7 D( d$ M- E( K& m
He said she was what was missing# M) }$ p. x7 I1 \) g0 K
She said instantly she knew% z' ^+ B+ H5 b7 f4 `* [5 w' p
She was a question to be answered
' B9 k' C5 S) P  c/ Y2 G- ^And his answer is
8 i8 H; S8 ?" w* KI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ l+ ]2 L6 c! t! J6 {% r3 X
: H) ]* j% f+ Z5 vBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt4 S, C3 B1 O' {5 ^4 \+ i8 j7 z

0 Y, y' V) y, \: ]It's amazing how I felt % o4 R( c4 ]8 z
when I was with you
! Z. G) Y# s6 _) l% l- aMy heart beat so fast  h1 ^4 z$ i9 B; T' a5 D$ g
I looked at you and thought# |- F- B9 n3 j* |' k* ^2 R
Holy Jesus, you were so cute( X: {3 x9 h1 m9 H

* j* y5 \" _0 Y+ s5 n, v- WYou left me without a word
% ^( J% _9 e5 M* T9 m; U- b' xI have nothing except my emptiness6 Y- `7 @/ _0 Z; a% ?
My mood is like a cloud
" H  ~  P: U5 U* r6 u5 s! n; IHow could it be dispersed?" k! L1 \1 N9 n% |3 Y( b) h
& E: z0 J6 d* p' o- k& T! V
Feelings bite my heart
( f; p) t/ n8 @" i$ N: WYou are the right one I wait
8 l: f) T! a: q8 p; ^In the depth of my soul) O2 m: h. p( n9 m
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( G+ Q. B; |; G- i5 X7 h# _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道+ f3 L# @! i  l- X) m6 v) l8 `9 Y
就和用中文写一次
7 r& ?) d* q4 k. X7 R阿,我爱你
/ b* ~4 O" J( U0 e- \& Y3 z你让我心跳好快
; i) }4 H/ K# s0 x你让我脸发热
2 j0 M( U# V. Q2 O) }我爱上你的大嘴唇# p1 g. A3 F$ [6 [
XXXXX
& {. f  ]4 V- X不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?8 m$ B, \- _- A) H; g
; D, b; v( H7 f' s% m, G1 n0 h
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
( ^7 b' X) m& S6 O- [6 T至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
) ]7 Y6 @- k5 n8 O# o& h* ~闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美) P4 Z7 K0 v6 C6 Z( i2 F7 a6 a5 B* z
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道) k+ |5 n2 F9 K; d# O: ^5 Y3 y
就和用中文写一次
8 N- d' s! v8 `0 I) U阿,我爱你
0 D, Q7 _! ~' H' \4 v  P  T; r你让我心跳好快
, }) s9 {1 n) y7 y. ~, j你让我脸发热
2 u2 D6 Y  u/ M; G' I! W我爱上你的大嘴唇7 q/ M4 V  X+ w' Y$ M
XXXXX
7 e1 G6 ~1 W* ?5 N+ l3 O: I不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
! `8 e, l! M1 C* }. a$ r
4 M. O$ I& Y4 S$ V0 F: ?
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
% x5 C: P1 _$ |
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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