我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
5 f* ^7 j* L- q7 U" ]+ `; }0 w5 C
0 a1 v9 Y) ?5 E4 F& z% i" T0 p9 {You have charm, you have looks
4 I/ U0 G) @5 s3 d# h. \with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
6 c0 F' g) j& P+ ~- ]8 SAnd that’s good for a kiss
+ P3 e; q+ s( A1 iYour body is chubby
$ F) G; p* ?; i: |$ |- sAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
% l0 M( O) F* P4 k! L) GEverything from you is positive
! @& U% f5 v4 I" \* S. OYou blame me everything and everyday
) V& j' B  }4 Y1 Z- a4 Z$ H6 lAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
- `+ V% T" M% w2 A9 ~6 W; k2 b+ |Eating with sound is a pig

* A% l3 d1 `$ A- O7 FI fell in love with you
  j2 n; U' t6 ?1 mBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
+ p& g/ B" s2 G# G$ |& e
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
, e1 ?) M+ y! z! I5 N( Fcan be shaped whatever you want

& J, @( N. z8 Cunfortunalety not my heart
7 v1 i1 ?% Q! T0 q% cIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

4 y, F, ~4 K% O' qI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

, q# R. |6 Y9 I0 a9 H咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
. }, E+ Y. H/ M4 c0 p/ ?0 \i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 N9 f$ A1 ?" n- `; o* T
with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
  j: l6 y0 n* l" E* jIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
' f5 U! O" _0 Q* _6 i9 P" Dthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
4 _, Q+ p4 {; FAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
( C( v+ |. c  Y' ~# {  LEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
& E( ^) {3 j7 c9 \9 K

His hello is the end of her endings
' W6 L% u! N# _: ]+ B% @Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
8 a5 N4 k3 C" \" oHe said she was what was missing
& E8 M+ N# d9 O* C& [She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
9 P  G. }6 F. B1 ^3 M0 N% u6 nI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
! T6 N. {9 s. e$ i' z, n! Z7 m
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
8 M& J- o/ k- }0 y6 b) A5 T- y2 U8 G: L
It's amazing how I felt
! _/ a- a  }  ?4 [9 C: U, ]when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
; e, A: r* n1 {* M" Y3 @I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
( M7 x1 t, Y7 c7 H% P
You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
0 h' t) |, k- @- ZHow could it be dispersed?
8 H# R  _+ r& p  ^9 Y6 I- ]4 C
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
# F, E) u7 u  vIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. O6 f: b3 |4 x; h+ v你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
; K3 x) u4 G; u0 A$ a) z阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
8 a" R- h9 N; `" E7 d$ B你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
) J, }4 F# ^( s. g. ZXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
* ~2 M0 x6 U- v, @$ ^( g* U- u
4 Y( T2 J! G$ i: e% E如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
- n0 o5 E( g( D5 t" E# g7 ?$ J你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; N) ~/ b9 _% g" m就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
0 I! V+ M0 t$ b/ a$ n1 C* j7 g, Y你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
6 o2 M  i9 D1 _我爱上你的大嘴唇
. K+ w5 n/ R' @2 t$ m5 j; R! EXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

0 s# B3 J& _; F$ F( O: L3 i  Z: g
0 k  W4 @# G/ Z2 D% m& `/ S靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
4 ?% u; X# d  f5 \4 x2 T3 H8 R# E

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。