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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love9 a, L  T; `" q7 B# y: g
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I fell in love with you
) ~* ?3 W$ w% ]0 @, yAt the first week we met8 x: R8 p6 f+ F% j3 T

8 w/ v" n! m% u* c; j0 }: lYou have charm, you have looks' t& S' V! q7 _; O
with full of pimples in face
/ b# }! X: _* ^5 cAs spotting sky at a summer night
) U0 d0 f$ i4 M; ?7 T1 z$ M9 }They are shining stars
  c& l( h. ]; I! D; ^4 p- y$ M" h2 N" x! w  F) ~
Your lip is so big* c# p) K% e3 u* p
And that’s good for a kiss
. _. N2 F, Y" q. b% M- @+ J* GYour body is chubby
# g8 }% P& v, Q1 Y6 B9 o$ KAnd that is good for sex( a+ X, l. s( j* i+ y; X2 o
. h/ T3 b2 t, c+ E' p) q
I was deeply in love4 y/ n9 [3 ]% ^: m1 {3 d
Everything from you is positive
* `0 o3 R! q& X" q, g* Z$ r. nYou blame me everything and everyday$ x- @! }* [$ a
And I think all girls sound like
6 P6 B; I' y) x& m- s
- b) f9 H4 V/ j6 l6 EYou could not stand my eating+ |* ]$ l* V" C
Saying no good for making funny sound9 g) A7 c) H; G) T0 d* Q
I think you are perfectly right2 c8 k5 R% T9 D- j# ^
Eating with sound is a pig1 X3 U8 n/ d6 u7 h% ~2 c6 ?
- [9 W5 p3 Y7 q% D
I fell in love with you + h5 {* Z# [* `, ]! `$ f! W
Become a fool to think
/ E4 F5 W/ y2 K/ ]/ kAll trouble things you did* ^- ~( p6 X$ E. K& t
And that is the price for love
' O$ `' x1 z& s' m8 P% a; N) z6 f+ G6 x: P
you are deeply in love
& k# l3 ?9 i8 V3 L4 ?Everything from me is negative7 ^; a, `6 }0 B
"My man should be like this,1 o5 o* Y4 c$ A; O# J1 H0 p
and I am helping you to improve'+ o- m: x1 p! W, M8 [- R6 Y

% i# @% G* {  S! S! mYou are loving me / d# s: F3 }' S* ^
or that one in your mind?+ {( d7 D3 x+ L# `# u" U. x" |
My mind is like a mud
/ j7 b: x1 F6 T$ h0 p5 c; ]5 \can be shaped whatever you want
6 h+ W) T, \2 @, t) [# Z3 H5 r$ [1 N+ G1 G$ g
unfortunalety not my heart
1 x! O- h: W. }+ E- D7 nIt is slashed by you ; L# c3 _7 S" |5 A  D$ \
and I am seriously hurt7 k9 A/ u5 \  G8 M
! F7 k. F" X9 b" n/ X
I will never love another + d6 R% G) w# l, {1 v
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 - {  p% Y; }! I7 X
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% |! A% E, S! N5 z: y- x
0 G3 h% O# C# h7 a5 C1 X) A咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!5 k1 V! e+ }' v% N, E9 u
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ; H0 ~' y! O7 T. ^
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.( _1 i& {1 t6 x5 m- ^6 |
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed4 r# @5 r1 K: d" b, ~- j
4 F5 l% ]' C" P/ M. a7 H( g
with the charm,+ v4 b. J3 T. z# ^7 L% t9 F
with the simles.4 t, t3 {: I, ?1 f
I fell in love with you " m$ l0 n1 _( U/ n2 d
In the first sign.
$ S/ i0 v; K9 ~% h& CAs spotting sky at a summer
* r2 [% v, p& y8 v6 l- b  Q  W; |) ^
Your lip is so soft % m, `2 f) s5 P
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
$ s0 Q  s& v; i8 g% d: eYour body is so sexy% v$ k1 f0 p' m9 G$ n
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
$ _5 j. c+ x/ C' L% H
* j& |/ q' |. C, u, T2 ~I am deeply in love
) T5 }0 Z9 h4 \Everything from you is so charming, i2 p+ B& o+ f6 `: t% [4 w
although You r so picky for me 8 h$ z/ ?9 \7 J* w2 O9 G. R
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.2 m1 j1 @; l+ q4 }4 q$ E
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem2 `7 ]! s+ |# ^7 U; q

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His hello is the end of her endings; R/ U- m# W0 p/ s) Z! \8 B, B
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
) [+ }! |. a2 ]8 ~: E: HHis hand would be hers to hold forever1 D4 `. Q" p- U
His forever is simply as her smile
, ?. k1 X5 C6 B- w- Y. T3 AHe said she was what was missing
; N, y- N% A. A& `0 d0 v" |; R0 o7 w7 sShe said instantly she knew, C- l# r; @2 F% H7 b  f/ P8 Z" g  D
She was a question to be answered0 B3 h& O+ R  K8 U0 Z4 ]. ?
And his answer is
. F3 v% a2 U$ `1 S: A! G2 MI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
  S) z) L* B3 B
3 Y, U6 ^# A- h2 k: M7 k3 {# bBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt& `# @% O+ S9 ~8 R0 P
& {# P: c' E3 N7 H
It's amazing how I felt
' \% s  O; `! Z& o, N8 jwhen I was with you
# N0 k, g1 ?$ A2 ^$ E+ v& C+ zMy heart beat so fast
' h! a- r6 ~* S( s8 W" o1 e' rI looked at you and thought+ ]) O% e2 N  }0 R; X
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
7 D" l7 Y& F1 Z8 {
9 U& z5 B4 F. _1 ?: WYou left me without a word
9 ]- _/ Q1 Y, T1 B& S9 fI have nothing except my emptiness
# i8 C4 \$ v) x8 ], }My mood is like a cloud' e  n1 g) X6 G1 E
How could it be dispersed?" e" C- H# V, \9 N% q2 G& B$ ]
% s7 H/ f/ i: X
Feelings bite my heart
. I( B: k! E0 x+ S2 ~/ xYou are the right one I wait( Z3 ^: X% O3 K2 r0 _0 x7 o
In the depth of my soul9 N' U, N5 i& [
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; r$ B3 g" L  M+ x0 ^1 c" Y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道' w; n$ y2 S& Z! I
就和用中文写一次
/ N& w, D7 @3 v2 W* y5 ^阿,我爱你
% x1 e  b  o1 ?你让我心跳好快
+ n! T. o+ h% a7 I你让我脸发热
; o. q7 l, G, f7 M- d( N& g; P我爱上你的大嘴唇9 U& t  M" K% N, B( W0 C
XXXXX0 e3 S6 K# T5 {% K
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
4 x9 f- L, j; z4 Z6 v- R
4 |3 C; u% x+ K如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
: @0 r) h; s2 y1 [4 R% J! I7 o5 t至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 / i# U5 m$ B. Y/ j
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
8 ~' ~7 S4 G4 T你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道- p# M7 w$ A5 g+ ~$ n: Q+ A8 l$ |
就和用中文写一次, D( r* l6 S7 J. ~4 J( v
阿,我爱你+ t/ n% Q. x8 I% X- _" o7 q- R: t& J
你让我心跳好快4 I1 L2 }$ {5 V: U  E9 P) h8 t6 u' w8 Z
你让我脸发热2 g* {, s7 Q* m$ d+ O5 v& ^2 ?
我爱上你的大嘴唇$ W9 a3 l) t1 }; _, R; S
XXXXX
: |. a7 K3 y& c/ N不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

6 ^. N7 @4 I: x; s/ r$ ^7 I0 z
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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