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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love5 b6 o+ z4 @2 R% H6 E& u( H% b
! S/ N# c$ q+ n& \# T: @, B( z
I fell in love with you 4 m% b( Z$ ]' H' p+ Z; c% {
At the first week we met
2 \; s" p9 g: i/ P1 m
- ~4 O" k9 I7 V1 M* zYou have charm, you have looks
* Y, L1 t* _+ t; E' p( {+ Jwith full of pimples in face
& J. M1 P+ g3 _0 D% o1 O5 \3 R4 uAs spotting sky at a summer night6 ?7 D" h7 T; N1 k
They are shining stars2 O  B  v7 W1 d! ^5 P5 D) E, p, R+ d
5 c* Z3 h8 x+ l
Your lip is so big! x7 q+ b! K- J% ]6 D. p
And that’s good for a kiss) z- F0 M8 |4 D4 g/ A+ k. ]0 E
Your body is chubby" f# D' r, O& }9 p
And that is good for sex
7 U2 V9 r% w) t' N  s2 Y5 U, `; K- ^  ?' o7 g
I was deeply in love
& c* B, v5 v1 s* A- F! OEverything from you is positive
9 K2 C( D1 I: X/ ?You blame me everything and everyday
# R$ y9 q" ]: AAnd I think all girls sound like5 [/ ~( f, [  Z& r% G  Q6 ^; t
3 U% P- G2 S# w" z6 T
You could not stand my eating
! U$ x# y, ]4 l' r6 M, ^/ {, Z; BSaying no good for making funny sound3 T( ?4 i6 k+ M# S1 F" i
I think you are perfectly right- N9 p9 o1 N0 p+ o! `' }4 ]
Eating with sound is a pig- T( @: o; G* P, c- d/ k7 D9 h, V
8 X1 L1 ?% u, E: L* q, w: [0 L
I fell in love with you
2 O$ @0 D/ f+ ]! T( W$ l) zBecome a fool to think5 C  r  V" t0 E6 B9 y
All trouble things you did/ ]+ ]7 Q& r: _
And that is the price for love
% p/ k  v4 V: m+ Z8 y* S  N* R, d& }0 e. O) C+ b, T, s/ T% f, r6 Y
you are deeply in love
8 b+ q/ u. p  q2 |( E2 d' W+ Y1 FEverything from me is negative+ n. y" i5 S. q. B& J
"My man should be like this,5 K$ A* Z6 ]- b' S0 e$ d
and I am helping you to improve'7 {2 M. Q: B, Y7 k4 c( t
! `: p- l7 M; ]. C  ~
You are loving me
. i& X4 {" u! }or that one in your mind?
0 R; u, B# R0 X, ?My mind is like a mud0 H3 U/ u9 ~7 w. I: ^
can be shaped whatever you want
3 M6 T4 n* t& |4 v1 n; C
' q- H0 d/ n) r" ?# u; o# Xunfortunalety not my heart
) ]# x3 u. Y8 u$ I& d. h* d, z. f: DIt is slashed by you 6 X, E2 q& k( p7 m6 _
and I am seriously hurt
3 u1 @4 W3 }4 O, A# G
  k1 m9 T( q. rI will never love another & {$ G5 |+ r6 H0 C+ c
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 8 m' i' f: Z9 H1 J, f0 P* T3 W
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

, h8 u9 q# i6 S) W# R; A. I1 s2 [; d. s% Z- t
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
3 I$ Q2 H  d- U( B9 ^& ~- R不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
5 r" g* E1 {; Z  ^( O2 R9 Z# ]i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
# l! I" s3 e) l2 q; eAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
* g: K5 P0 d+ O* ]% f: }! J5 m  {8 C& X
with the charm,& R) D) M1 A  H
with the simles.
1 t: U: G) G# K, f1 O- K" P: hI fell in love with you
% ]5 P9 t) H% _/ i. AIn the first sign.
* x) Y( U( u4 _As spotting sky at a summer 3 t7 Y$ Q( w' G, ]: i% H) J
, B- K0 o  w+ v' |0 F5 w% s
Your lip is so soft 4 s" }. V# T" `0 U: [
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss# q2 p" y: C4 S# f  e/ T1 ]
Your body is so sexy
3 K+ H& g+ W+ z2 g; k1 h0 {And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
3 f  \1 s# s- e8 S6 K0 ]% r% r' W# {# Q1 D9 I1 E/ \# B6 g
I am deeply in love9 r4 N9 j# h4 l5 a
Everything from you is so charming. z( O- E) z5 e. \6 ?: T- N0 F
although You r so picky for me ! B% z! Y' z$ u8 k
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
7 d! ]1 z# d0 w8 z% m1 mBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem  M) L4 t$ u  i% h
, g: C! I0 U" B  {+ _7 r) e

1 m8 e! [$ _! G& W7 a. fHis hello is the end of her endings
# ~, v% K  N2 y% D( WHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
- ]/ P; z/ }) v1 DHis hand would be hers to hold forever% {$ d' r+ N; w' N2 z
His forever is simply as her smile , O, M& ]. N% k5 U8 E; @8 z
He said she was what was missing
: P: X: _; j; ~5 f0 @% hShe said instantly she knew( h- c3 l, v$ H6 P! x
She was a question to be answered0 B# `! \7 E: R- U/ R: F% H
And his answer is
  B, m; N: D+ I; c- ]0 CI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas' O! ^) d6 Z- Q
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
5 ~7 f* z$ z8 Y  k% d, J* n' m' G& q4 }* |7 f0 r5 |
It's amazing how I felt & W$ C# ^8 E/ ~
when I was with you9 w6 _; G. k9 }
My heart beat so fast
  b# A7 E+ K; l# U" @/ NI looked at you and thought
* a6 B7 F( M2 b* MHoly Jesus, you were so cute, r2 S. z3 `; N9 F

0 ^  V; Q2 _7 h  QYou left me without a word0 A- a* w: a$ ?$ K
I have nothing except my emptiness
4 o& n+ j( n/ eMy mood is like a cloud& ^7 T. s; v$ z1 ~
How could it be dispersed?
) q+ E  h! {- W: W0 q0 Z# V) ^$ q" y5 Q7 \0 X
Feelings bite my heart
% c. a- n0 ]. W+ |2 s8 N( ?3 YYou are the right one I wait& V1 Y' Q* }& J* @% t0 u
In the depth of my soul6 b3 L( e2 f" ]% E
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ X  E. y$ L: B7 S$ t+ r' B. s你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道5 E! X# h: O! K/ R# D
就和用中文写一次
) ^# `% d% D% }% i* `% f6 s( H阿,我爱你9 |2 C3 a5 ^. }6 a
你让我心跳好快: b+ |3 n9 L; k0 k. }+ U" c
你让我脸发热
$ i# D' I1 A9 S% B" H: A1 w0 C我爱上你的大嘴唇) h9 k( P/ h# b* n
XXXXX: D* C4 X, ]3 D" Q5 o
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
1 t, L9 n: B! k: B7 f6 W7 S! k
; A4 x/ w/ c( s$ A! Z: r: Y, Z如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
) e  [% T, X3 l0 T至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
) N* K8 m. G# e* z闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 f: j4 q: o0 n, d9 I1 l1 W
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% }9 ]# z6 p/ w$ {6 F. H+ @就和用中文写一次2 K2 w7 f6 P5 X6 U
阿,我爱你+ d/ H! O& D* {! ]: @5 P2 J& X
你让我心跳好快
$ v5 u& F# L" s6 H4 q你让我脸发热
% L8 t% a: A. S2 [我爱上你的大嘴唇. s: u# V9 Y9 K. ?# W& n; \
XXXXX; q3 G7 ]1 [: A: ?+ Z2 `) p
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

* k8 C' S+ X' {! y6 b. P  J
5 t+ O# G3 `! w% a* d靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
4 H" j% r  E) r/ ?" i  |
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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