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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
, {0 A$ O1 S- i: k) }" f: N" L7 D9 s4 _- h8 R
I fell in love with you $ E3 L- @. p! `3 w# W; {
At the first week we met* j0 }: r' \" H2 s; I" J

& D7 h' r, @3 W& T' e* OYou have charm, you have looks8 J% }% N2 k) R- \4 U6 l
with full of pimples in face
% T  o* n/ u* y6 D1 @; x; ]' OAs spotting sky at a summer night3 U$ u/ d0 S  Z" B  x
They are shining stars
) D5 \0 ^3 v0 A
5 N4 U8 U3 Z# B# @) m* lYour lip is so big, v. l1 i! n( v  e* K3 x, V5 p
And that’s good for a kiss  l$ z/ `# B) _% W. n. S) w
Your body is chubby, q9 G/ A& F, t8 i# Z3 E( o
And that is good for sex
7 b) n* U# K$ c' i, h7 ]* ]* L! ?5 }. S$ L# q! @
I was deeply in love0 O( [0 q% ]5 G2 r( {' g
Everything from you is positive
* P' `. U7 C, F2 [) ZYou blame me everything and everyday) R: p- U( I3 D7 N2 _# d
And I think all girls sound like
: F7 x4 j1 v+ e* v% I7 ~+ h2 V# C# R
You could not stand my eating- V+ _  X: N9 l; g6 u
Saying no good for making funny sound8 {9 D5 A$ N6 k; R) A8 }9 Y
I think you are perfectly right
5 Z% Z5 B. O3 p6 WEating with sound is a pig& b2 ~! S& U" y" T
8 X% l4 j9 n) O$ ?; V  C
I fell in love with you
: ]# Q  g. ^6 W  [- I; aBecome a fool to think5 O7 g  l/ S1 F
All trouble things you did. t: k) ]& Q9 i+ Z% Q% ?
And that is the price for love$ t& }1 v$ u! `: ]

: Y% V( z6 G7 @# W' \; Byou are deeply in love) H/ G8 S% d  N3 ]1 _: F7 V) D3 _
Everything from me is negative/ {) \" h/ U" @0 }! N* l& r, h
"My man should be like this,
* y7 {! M. h+ b9 s7 d3 k1 tand I am helping you to improve'. K! _) a& H3 _: H" v( d; ?: W* G
7 J0 u' ~1 \2 }9 C' W2 O4 O: i
You are loving me ( a  g9 S" h1 Q
or that one in your mind?
& M/ {7 S% D$ K3 o6 PMy mind is like a mud
9 F  p/ ~3 _! e- Q5 W5 O0 Hcan be shaped whatever you want
, `8 h! e" w/ S% v
) a$ D5 q0 m7 Hunfortunalety not my heart
  v# l# T. {7 j: b/ fIt is slashed by you   e5 D. u" u, h  _; D
and I am seriously hurt
% n& C3 u$ j  ?. C" Q' D3 h0 n$ u; m4 I! l0 \( B  [
I will never love another ; S$ K) I( M0 Z% T+ w9 k1 _- `" f' D
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 , D* s( p8 ~# N. p: P" K
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

# t& r9 c. {' ^) E6 ~( ~
/ ?; p, B! t* C$ s/ @咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!$ W) M7 G1 v5 ?7 ^& t
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
# J# q  n  z! n4 Y3 i$ V8 Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
4 x! s4 h0 t/ X4 x+ A- {+ eAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed/ a2 v7 c$ {( Z2 J3 `5 N

7 j2 H% W/ l8 h$ G+ N6 i/ m( z& Twith the charm,6 m; b3 {4 n( X+ @& j
with the simles.
0 l: L  e  {- ^# ]* s  XI fell in love with you
6 W, x7 I0 r7 D) eIn the first sign.
. K% M* v  |' l6 H1 j* ^As spotting sky at a summer * e! q% V& p0 {
3 m2 ]* X* l# G( K
Your lip is so soft
6 z. P3 j$ e& y, d/ t3 gthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss4 A3 W% L, ^, i5 ?7 {9 T/ ^1 c* I
Your body is so sexy$ _7 ^- ^. p- u# C* @3 z7 a; _& v7 h
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
! c; `$ B% n5 H- q7 G- I
/ `7 w! _. H5 X) `% KI am deeply in love
6 Z; s* J" _2 qEverything from you is so charming0 Y% Y% J- v% ~4 s6 M
although You r so picky for me
" q& U3 j; Y$ \6 k  D  `) ~" jAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
! Q! }) \6 L* L5 ?" i7 r( yBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem* H( E1 O2 L3 _
9 S! j! Q3 Z+ J& l6 k/ Q- z# Z
: V  N6 @7 z- x0 r
His hello is the end of her endings
* d2 t) v+ S  f2 }% j! d0 \6 dHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle9 v; p: A4 t5 k* E8 m$ I
His hand would be hers to hold forever( |8 p. S5 b- E) B4 W1 c3 ~
His forever is simply as her smile " P& M+ a' T% y- C2 B' a
He said she was what was missing
5 ]( m* m) {4 @, }6 n% `" cShe said instantly she knew
, }% x% O; ^( @+ ]She was a question to be answered
! o/ Z: O, H  h1 F+ }5 _1 D: XAnd his answer is ) b  ~! V5 z3 u4 ~1 j7 C( p
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt* E1 _+ `0 _: U7 G
' _$ n0 K6 f; {* N8 D
It's amazing how I felt
" }7 h$ j3 ?8 x6 D# F4 p: Q: m$ Twhen I was with you
) r  W1 K  H- J5 B- f8 Y6 yMy heart beat so fast( b9 I" l0 h# ?2 h. P
I looked at you and thought
; i. Q% D! x4 E$ I4 XHoly Jesus, you were so cute! d: g7 C7 d. Q$ x
: u; D4 T1 A: }& e0 r1 t, \
You left me without a word
- z% E$ f$ I3 w0 N' v  r3 N; s6 k5 wI have nothing except my emptiness
, s3 z. n2 h$ qMy mood is like a cloud: O' K, P" u3 s4 [; t9 _8 L
How could it be dispersed?' V% O% u8 {0 L

; K; T$ N% m2 kFeelings bite my heart
& O) O5 n6 I2 R% k8 j( iYou are the right one I wait0 c  D; c$ T# Q' l; {6 Y! X: l
In the depth of my soul
; v; l# U8 Q4 i# bI will love you till I'm dead
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 K5 H- c; R+ O% B8 N* x) I1 c1 t你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" g; h2 j5 A5 h4 N- U+ U就和用中文写一次
9 U( j$ A3 Q) o$ {% k' i( G' D阿,我爱你
4 v% U: V: g) H% `& Q# p0 E你让我心跳好快
' m7 y) Y, V2 d8 d7 h( ?' @4 E$ }你让我脸发热1 E0 l# x% K) h* X
我爱上你的大嘴唇* l4 B+ e6 W3 x7 o: ~% o
XXXXX1 v; h: Z. q  z. r6 L/ v7 W( L
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
7 M/ W# _) [6 [
% z( ?/ j7 {; r如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER( Z1 ^. q2 y5 H+ k' y
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
8 E* @: L6 Q0 Q! u/ }闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美$ b  ?- _& [8 \
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道3 W2 N7 E3 K/ m7 \9 I
就和用中文写一次( j) F8 U2 W( ?8 t4 P
阿,我爱你
$ q/ [( [& N/ B2 c' ]你让我心跳好快2 [3 j4 A* e1 b7 V2 ]) q9 a2 X6 s/ }
你让我脸发热
8 T! |  l. ?, P$ R我爱上你的大嘴唇! l8 L; D3 z9 Q
XXXXX* j% i" v' G+ w6 X9 a
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
& r0 U( }  ?0 r' r
& g3 o# N) y/ _9 p
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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