我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
8 T4 l6 I0 S7 n* @At the first week we met

8 @- Z: f5 I( ?# m8 O& OYou have charm, you have looks
! H9 s; n- m. C/ K" P6 }with full of pimples in face
9 d5 k: _' J4 |0 w! {As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
* E; G' ?& r7 |8 fAnd that’s good for a kiss
' s! ~. ]: {6 {Your body is chubby
% \8 W  Q# M9 O: [And that is good for sex
# g# E- Q/ ]1 A  ]1 K2 w
9 O& s* i, c: G9 z- \. N+ S+ s: HI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
- O5 x% N& D" H; h( ], e- f% L$ gAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
) {6 ?7 s% e% F- q: h5 ~Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
. D5 N7 L. o1 b: v: e/ L; kAnd that is the price for love

- `) u( a7 j3 c  X2 S8 i4 Myou are deeply in love
2 S, J0 J% ~8 Y9 J0 G/ A/ o+ X0 A3 @Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
# h, ?8 D" Y% ^( w8 I# i' E8 M0 Sand I am helping you to improve'

4 X; ?' T7 M4 d  X: \8 w: RYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
" ~* i' b, r, C$ x  xMy mind is like a mud
1 {) h. y* B1 v4 t1 o$ V) O% ucan be shaped whatever you want
, M+ A0 I2 g1 G; K8 w& J
unfortunalety not my heart
: v* _7 O) j- W5 @7 ]It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
6 g  r/ H, O, p8 c4 _+ [' P
- z' Y* P2 X$ F" U6 d2 r' f& ]) oI will never love another
; z& ~$ z; t; j7 ZIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

+ o& N1 I# @+ Q- \8 D3 ?
5 n( Y: F, {' `* B. p+ g% e" y咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
* m$ a) P: ]9 d* }* o4 d; E  ?with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
1 ^4 ~+ I& z  XAs spotting sky at a summer
5 r1 x& B! N7 E& c) A" \8 Z4 n
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
( w$ w  _$ _3 M; `' B
& p& g# p3 X4 b. \2 ^I am deeply in love
& b) E: e9 Z, a6 a+ _5 y6 h# m# iEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
3 C. T$ s/ L" cAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

3 w* h6 f2 o1 ?. T7 f" ^
His hello is the end of her endings
5 M1 s3 O# Z) zHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
. k2 o" D3 D6 T4 q. ^He said she was what was missing
/ P6 o" L" F1 k- W8 yShe said instantly she knew
' E) L7 b) L, q' d) iShe was a question to be answered
( v5 W) ^- p6 \8 g' }- oAnd his answer is
2 j; `  D/ k. |5 H0 FI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: S8 X: N" L% ~% ?  V
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
/ k: y" D4 S2 J% X+ R+ p- Y. O
It's amazing how I felt
# p8 o/ a7 ?3 r: Pwhen I was with you
  ~- N( o" T) P5 K7 i: _My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
. q" q) `! z2 hHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
  G7 X  w$ w, V+ w; N& ]+ S$ WI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
' m' b; Z* k+ g& _
Feelings bite my heart
4 z  d* w5 M& G' z: T1 ~5 \You are the right one I wait
0 ~, p. ~0 N9 E* H9 ]# SIn the depth of my soul
2 L) U# Q1 |  d$ c7 j; LI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
  t- U5 Z9 J& O8 w7 K/ X就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
) J" q% D: N: C' u你让我心跳好快
& \% m2 G* Y1 C. z' e& ~: S9 s你让我脸发热
3 {7 O- x. M7 w( ~- I我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
) \1 W! s. o5 ^5 s不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
" t% C! C0 F/ k/ U0 H
' r9 N. @7 _9 o+ r+ p如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
7 N  X) G8 Z- `; Z2 {0 }1 L闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
* ~& ^% d% Z: E/ t2 W7 m你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) h! j- H+ D2 u& e0 N就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
8 ~8 B9 s, s8 Q0 Y9 L& A你让我心跳好快
. Q/ X6 B$ h/ P  ^8 A/ G你让我脸发热
) S) z/ R" `* @我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 B6 r( O& B( u- I0 Y3 {- sXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。