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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love; o( Y6 K4 A) E
8 B& `! H0 k% [, O' I! q
I fell in love with you 7 \( Q1 P8 W' P& E
At the first week we met. p/ s) m; c# q8 ~# t- N) g

* Q- d4 w  J3 ZYou have charm, you have looks% ]" A. }# f( j- f1 g
with full of pimples in face4 O  W! u2 N7 O
As spotting sky at a summer night
: y% z0 Q) I; o9 r( l0 ?They are shining stars
7 ]- a. o* W' y* J: N0 K# b
9 ~' H. }( m# ~4 Z+ U- EYour lip is so big
9 A# \1 l6 b$ c5 |8 vAnd that’s good for a kiss2 A) S0 r5 y8 P* z6 M$ A
Your body is chubby/ ~4 ]9 F9 x0 g' ~
And that is good for sex; n2 r9 ], P4 P8 H
/ a- c$ @/ [* _: H
I was deeply in love/ m' e, M8 \* M8 B2 @" Y7 ^3 I
Everything from you is positive# _, [: _/ n2 b6 t- {
You blame me everything and everyday! p. q4 M- j8 J0 a8 i
And I think all girls sound like
3 g5 @5 ?, V8 t, ~1 N( |. b1 s& \6 n
You could not stand my eating; j, ?! g. u0 R9 J# ]
Saying no good for making funny sound1 q$ s  z/ D& {# x4 P( ~' N
I think you are perfectly right
. \- x" i/ S. ~# V1 U! e) iEating with sound is a pig; I$ w+ N1 K. u) u

1 R& y: e5 ]. \) RI fell in love with you
, q8 W* o/ V$ a$ v, V/ v+ }Become a fool to think
  f. q" S0 B0 o2 x9 A- HAll trouble things you did
% i) s- U. N$ x" f: FAnd that is the price for love& u& @& ~0 a% J3 ^" V- F  D1 N! H
" `" k6 O7 \& X% K- m
you are deeply in love
8 x) W9 m9 l  ~' F0 V4 D: TEverything from me is negative
5 O7 k; J& Q. j1 Y"My man should be like this,) `9 f: ?9 K' x6 j
and I am helping you to improve'
) I6 x3 \* w5 F% M9 v9 d8 W( O1 z  T! e& a  m; K  b: h1 c
You are loving me , S& T  B  F& |/ F
or that one in your mind?* W/ G9 `" |, [- _3 W
My mind is like a mud
" D' o6 [/ \% H& w# ~- Vcan be shaped whatever you want
) N3 R" ]+ T. I
. E0 k: m6 |/ |% Aunfortunalety not my heart0 R% t% k0 L" Z$ Q
It is slashed by you
# i& f! T5 w8 |# p$ X4 jand I am seriously hurt9 b- ~- |! Q+ ^- B  K- _
1 v' @; }: {" p* ?
I will never love another
- w, z7 y, @. N3 L5 E: V" xIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
, f% J6 _" h- C9 D( N$ U2 b0 w( x& emy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
. s0 `& |: K7 m! E" V" H' |
3 {6 a) J* D1 E: R$ `
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
$ H9 s0 ^" N* Q2 h不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ! ~: f& I. g, a7 g$ o2 \
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.4 i, u! P8 g' V/ E7 S! z
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
- E* N" _6 M  `6 V. r$ M/ y. C5 v5 \: l" t! H. K2 o. h' S$ p
with the charm,6 g' k$ }8 B1 Z
with the simles.
1 V$ e( B; {4 ~4 y9 A9 }I fell in love with you
) k3 o% |* |/ i, p2 }In the first sign.
" o* E; H* N2 M6 a4 G9 ]7 \As spotting sky at a summer + f& f6 {0 T2 U  ~
3 a( j! b8 u! k! f8 q' G# Y
Your lip is so soft
# j& J# Y  ?2 {/ J9 l) P* A, Rthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
  ?! B, G  v0 [Your body is so sexy( O" S# o& N) y$ ~2 R- c8 K
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.4 {+ O, ]) l) K% p! Q' W
( w& `& L2 ^/ B2 V
I am deeply in love3 i" E# l* R3 M) U9 T
Everything from you is so charming% ?, \, o3 ^1 `& _$ K& U
although You r so picky for me 0 o% w5 S. \7 v1 S# r+ P
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.$ k5 S9 O) h+ G* Z
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem& V" K% U) r( q9 A2 r- q- ]& _

6 I2 D$ |' }) L2 I4 g7 p8 v9 Y4 Y) {# G6 {* j
His hello is the end of her endings
9 R7 _) u/ X4 c/ J3 xHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle8 n9 l: m1 J, i, ^' r/ |, ?, n; E9 c
His hand would be hers to hold forever
: L6 E4 _$ E. c4 VHis forever is simply as her smile 7 j) P: {1 I( B
He said she was what was missing+ k- _8 J8 t1 u
She said instantly she knew
4 y% B9 j3 R1 l0 iShe was a question to be answered
9 T5 Y5 i5 {9 G2 L* dAnd his answer is 5 Q$ x4 J) ?7 g( s* ~
I do
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
, ~$ {9 e( i3 n% x4 N6 D( k+ l  u9 L& ~  n- C
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
, c$ w8 t* I4 ]1 `4 b; j) s, V8 G$ c& i, Z4 |7 ]9 K0 S" Z
It's amazing how I felt 4 t, b  l% W* d' Z: O. }' {
when I was with you7 h2 |9 `+ ?- b% l
My heart beat so fast8 Z' m/ Y- c7 D; g3 l9 c# ^( Q8 ]
I looked at you and thought: j" i- R& x  _7 n
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
1 S4 a- `9 E* d. e+ M9 F4 r, c+ s- r( K% K
You left me without a word3 c# K7 n$ K, @/ X( Z* J1 k
I have nothing except my emptiness
; f( [2 u! X& [5 F% dMy mood is like a cloud
& n3 z7 R( t  M5 E7 B. @How could it be dispersed?6 ^$ O; U% o# \- A2 r

2 g! t& l* z1 A3 [. U  ~Feelings bite my heart ; e( |6 I  j; j
You are the right one I wait
/ t0 J3 @# o% JIn the depth of my soul
7 w5 a* v- _8 l+ G% h2 I* m, XI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美$ Y$ C) M$ w0 h( |9 k/ C% ^" D0 u
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( m" B+ b1 s/ a3 r
就和用中文写一次
) W0 t8 T, `$ r阿,我爱你# f- P; ]6 y9 ^7 ?# v) }+ c) A
你让我心跳好快
* B4 v3 s# y. p7 u; F" x6 [  `8 a你让我脸发热
  {# ~! j4 }% q) g: ^我爱上你的大嘴唇1 T- _! `6 P! N' ~3 V1 P5 Z" z
XXXXX
6 q; o' Z4 N( O) S不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?8 A5 E* ^' w  Q6 O9 B
1 I8 i' `2 {% p! z. I5 P% {! W) s# J
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER4 h1 G! |2 q# E. H1 }
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 $ s4 |3 _8 y7 m# o6 u5 Q7 g8 B
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 k% m; K9 G% J' x, P8 g你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" n) M& @: k$ t) M1 [就和用中文写一次
6 u2 G) E- V& a) J  t4 C阿,我爱你
+ C! s* v6 t) R你让我心跳好快
$ n- q, C" \) A# v2 B你让我脸发热
# c3 z7 w' R+ h& e2 \) Q我爱上你的大嘴唇
6 g% u: L$ k0 c# q$ T, X' G6 IXXXXX9 s# O0 \& o7 D) b; h2 D
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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/ B9 g0 b4 c7 o0 ^5 q. S
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
( M. G3 }4 m& g) K0 W
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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