我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

& ~# s" \) C8 V% j7 ~6 n6 ~! r. cI fell in love with you
; T1 ^+ B7 T# {; i7 }& PAt the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
* U) K; Q' Z3 L" p. |4 S& \( Y  swith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
8 U7 ?+ ~; l6 a) mThey are shining stars

& H" h1 G0 @% G. I% ]Your lip is so big
; f. U5 L2 o3 SAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
" ?; Z; E, @8 B, dAnd that is good for sex
) \, P: a. C' W& q, |
5 T% s1 G" C7 U7 B+ z/ o# KI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
  \, ~& g) r" T8 bYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
4 |4 P, e; [5 q: A/ H
% G* Y; m2 i/ m4 XYou could not stand my eating
  B/ C; L* x& X$ `& j, M1 w9 c4 G+ DSaying no good for making funny sound
4 h1 A2 m3 o7 j# y/ ?I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

/ G9 f! B, m# T) W, V$ `  g+ `1 _" qI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
" D# v" ~+ i8 z. B- JAll trouble things you did
' A- R) O& z4 d1 qAnd that is the price for love

+ D  x3 Q8 N" ^- o7 o% w3 `you are deeply in love
& L" W2 y# `. k% w2 v3 ?% aEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
0 w, @7 U% u8 e) ~. e6 h
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
* I! q- `, f/ H- U- B0 `My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
% G% ^7 ^/ \5 q- U  o% _" k
  }1 A* c+ b6 }4 vunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
% K  c* i( ]8 ^and I am seriously hurt
( L- Y  U7 X* S5 b
I will never love another
: Q4 e# A) ]+ _  UIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
4 M% g8 P# B+ b$ B2 e- @8 Qmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

0 j( p6 s, l3 @/ @$ \" p
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
! f- c. c- J9 F9 M. N" p不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
0 _; i( G, Z/ C: x0 I  b8 T+ `3 jAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

, I1 x# g( K1 P( i: U3 N6 lwith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
5 z) L) h$ L+ h  Z9 H+ I$ J( Q7 tAs spotting sky at a summer
# q4 o9 w) T5 r# g
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
( s) t# V# q1 O# SYour body is so sexy
/ N) ]% ^) l7 ZAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
4 x% T7 ^' X0 W! [" j6 QEverything from you is so charming
! w2 E* |- H% [4 Halthough You r so picky for me
" ~- H2 N% D7 D) p; e0 ^: uAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


9 N/ }9 ]# V! v( aHis hello is the end of her endings
5 x5 j* W3 d* s' ?9 ~% Y9 u( M* hHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
+ A  H% I" `5 v9 i1 [& E! ?His forever is simply as her smile
. u/ m8 W* ?0 \% M# V, ?He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
' E( M" m+ A3 o" r; h& i5 q) [She was a question to be answered
7 ~# I8 e' A, a& t4 iAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

4 i" A8 J0 j' h" L+ H; N) a) gBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
# i5 {& V( E% ~' C, q1 M0 ~
% m/ T: h" ?! ^5 D# tIt's amazing how I felt
! {& @9 A! V( q7 Wwhen I was with you
3 k7 o: p: f. A* @" M$ CMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
6 s7 e) U  q4 c* l1 s. @
You left me without a word
# a. j0 c. \% \" o. g5 bI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% `8 |: T6 ?1 c+ m: b7 u3 Z就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
6 @8 q! h& S3 A8 q, w" S你让我心跳好快
0 r1 p' O3 w0 d( g你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
( z: N6 Y: J. E. gXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
+ w- }5 R$ n8 ^1 h/ k
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
2 ^" `( V9 G, b/ K+ ?" y# X至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 t: o+ ~) J1 i5 G* G+ t# Z+ G你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
; `' u5 @4 q; e, O6 l4 O9 WXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
( s2 f5 B7 g- Y& K7 ?* r! N

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。