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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
7 R1 [! K# Q, K1 I
0 c& \7 T2 R1 eI fell in love with you 0 w4 \5 n, ]) \! n' F( l0 M
At the first week we met
; d% O. I' |$ @) c& D
. y' T# P$ X0 {) t* O- l; [You have charm, you have looks# I1 T# W. t8 n, _
with full of pimples in face
- s# z9 ?6 v. }4 y0 DAs spotting sky at a summer night
, ^2 G% p9 T( ^. m7 J. _They are shining stars
7 l: T% n/ f# c& J
# h5 M2 \4 {: K$ O5 j9 D4 N9 O6 aYour lip is so big8 x3 ~- s- b& V# d! L# W
And that’s good for a kiss
8 r* i9 m5 X4 h5 {* A5 j# Q/ lYour body is chubby
; w  I* d$ D" l; ^! T6 S  Z& [And that is good for sex' z/ E1 z& c3 Z, K
: r9 A2 k2 ~: M2 J: ~
I was deeply in love
, }& D4 s" V, T! @0 ]4 ^Everything from you is positive
5 W! ^$ P+ |8 m. ~7 S: \$ h' OYou blame me everything and everyday0 E) K: o! Z6 u' b. [, J
And I think all girls sound like
5 S$ ^  J1 e, O0 l4 b8 @0 a8 |' l3 `  {" R8 U1 j
You could not stand my eating
% W# \/ p' i* F  t. DSaying no good for making funny sound
) j8 [$ b$ G( G# B# M6 a8 n- o, uI think you are perfectly right9 f3 r6 ~* o. {4 Q' e+ b) g) `
Eating with sound is a pig7 L. c6 t" R/ ?; T  V. q
& J+ y' F, C& w: Z
I fell in love with you 2 q/ @  G5 z( A6 J, |) D
Become a fool to think
+ `- V! p, R9 O: |  f2 \All trouble things you did; I4 t( l  z# R* r- m. ]2 u  p
And that is the price for love1 ?9 P( u  Q$ z
. c& R$ \8 A7 a
you are deeply in love" V! A1 b0 p* t2 D+ N1 R& ^$ F
Everything from me is negative4 g$ s- D# R( k0 P& w
"My man should be like this,4 z$ [8 k! G* L0 d$ W) g0 Y
and I am helping you to improve'. E7 D7 w& i1 {/ z- _
$ c" v4 T  J* \& Y
You are loving me % F, v- D2 k5 f& ?" m
or that one in your mind?- R4 v' j& U* @1 x8 c' O1 ]
My mind is like a mud. {' C3 Q7 l  o" q3 E
can be shaped whatever you want
5 b1 U: K* D, ^9 n* R1 n: \; k' W5 w3 }7 c* {6 j+ W& M
unfortunalety not my heart
# @* x0 F* O7 EIt is slashed by you * w7 D& D7 v2 F* A, j
and I am seriously hurt
4 a* \* L5 h& E# O$ W! s+ b. C0 M) w8 S. ]
I will never love another ) f% F! _& v1 L1 ~8 ]& a. k
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
4 F: L9 ]; r* [, ~. ?, \3 tmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
5 H" R; B# J' m3 S" L" Q5 \9 @! T
$ a" R( @: o, I  l
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
6 n( `2 ?" C4 u0 O! Q9 [  k2 _, V不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
5 C' m- N* P$ v% G& v7 i6 ii am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.& F- z1 b+ C' e1 l9 ~
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed" N: S: e5 Z6 P; X  Q

- l. L" d6 O; J4 wwith the charm,
: R6 S7 `5 a: H9 P5 X* u. swith the simles.
# _# l+ t- ^% {& w' zI fell in love with you 7 J  u5 r& f. p  a& m& I7 X# p4 Q/ s9 {
In the first sign.
# r+ V+ c/ @# S, I$ T( zAs spotting sky at a summer 4 _9 A4 s  ?/ b7 m$ t0 H

8 U$ W7 U0 l* J. U$ OYour lip is so soft
2 k5 [* ^$ R5 C; N, O/ ?there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
, ]- p7 V/ i( W  O* AYour body is so sexy. C& h$ G  N$ R9 d9 ~6 i
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u., W& z4 i8 U/ X$ Z3 s2 p( _3 v

! o* Q6 d  e3 X# Q8 R# @I am deeply in love+ z5 E" o1 O" W/ A, I  D! }
Everything from you is so charming
9 Y: q0 J- ?. walthough You r so picky for me
% t) d, f, r' M$ d. E1 IAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.9 m- o! }( Q9 F# J4 E1 K
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem: y- W  Y! n3 n/ Q! }1 e

8 r5 U5 K1 {7 P1 E. u( T4 f7 v/ g# D% K! `# X  j! }; s. d% h
His hello is the end of her endings
2 ]  O3 N- a8 Q8 D+ F0 e$ v% PHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle4 I, S! ~+ q* K$ B; B6 X/ L4 f& C
His hand would be hers to hold forever
  E6 G$ s" w1 ~- ^* x. r' HHis forever is simply as her smile
2 @1 R: ]6 `& I7 e, P* dHe said she was what was missing
! x$ U( _! A! u7 ]She said instantly she knew
& [: }9 X* T' |She was a question to be answered, S( G. p6 F: }& ^2 V  D! h, y( d
And his answer is # `2 B3 S9 ^! m/ ?4 y
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas. j/ K# p, M4 R5 y/ V

3 i/ L$ B% a9 p& ^Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
0 n- N1 J/ e) x6 g9 \; G* g# g% h4 ~! j, v# z7 ^; i
It's amazing how I felt
% l" U$ E" m, u- gwhen I was with you
* C" U9 F/ n* _  |, C8 X5 q3 `+ EMy heart beat so fast
. o  J' x2 d) y' e# _I looked at you and thought
, J$ e" m* o" ?) f0 c, \Holy Jesus, you were so cute( _# M/ _: U) x! h0 [, A" J) C
2 S) d; w" Z5 b/ q: [
You left me without a word5 X- }' y4 R% P( r
I have nothing except my emptiness
' M! i5 j$ f% j% u, A/ AMy mood is like a cloud
, E7 ~; F7 `1 h' R! Q/ H& HHow could it be dispersed?6 }9 O8 g  m# ~2 d4 {7 U- j5 k

5 n$ S- ]# t7 m8 H) W, y3 VFeelings bite my heart + G* ~1 L8 ^1 ?* S! D. Z
You are the right one I wait' g2 ?# F  B: k4 m% J
In the depth of my soul
* W1 I! ~* }+ T) u& NI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" o* l* m# E0 n8 Z! d, J
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
. f7 x6 f& y: c' z就和用中文写一次% i; P1 a6 j' u: B7 j
阿,我爱你
8 g/ h# E7 X( |8 D* ]3 ~你让我心跳好快3 ?% v) O, p- M4 a* Y
你让我脸发热: G% C/ {7 u( n
我爱上你的大嘴唇
- Z- `2 ?4 M2 [8 gXXXXX
5 y6 E, j- S0 T2 v" W不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?8 T8 n7 m: ?6 r6 c" n

# ?3 ~# w* r$ a# M( m! |如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 c7 v/ B3 @3 _! J% j' ]至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 8 z1 g: q3 S  `: U) |( f% b3 Q
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, Y2 n) v* Z$ b7 d% D% n, q
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道5 ?) }* q% U  N
就和用中文写一次2 p. f/ T1 }' m. ]0 G' x7 ^# \
阿,我爱你
1 k% `2 R( N: d你让我心跳好快! B  ]5 E9 r8 f4 ~% v
你让我脸发热9 }- A( y3 ?9 j/ t9 o
我爱上你的大嘴唇
) f  s+ ~/ D. @) Z1 IXXXXX9 ?5 y  l+ D/ ^7 R( b
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

( I5 R/ l+ r, ]2 x9 R6 M
; F9 H4 t3 ^" I" ^靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
8 D1 d+ r( G& w- U) H- @! [
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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