我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
" j3 |" f; w$ o' V: i) R% |
I fell in love with you
# N$ X9 q7 R* mAt the first week we met
  l7 R- f  t) d! Y- v8 \
1 P: z+ s/ g  h9 i( P. w5 m. WYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
) Y5 W+ B* @2 \" f* d. CAs spotting sky at a summer night
* M( V7 T9 |' I  z$ wThey are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

3 k/ o+ B: u3 c( X/ PI was deeply in love
% K/ a, X0 M1 ~& \- o* T  v9 M  HEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
  L3 ^" x' d% R1 \! yAnd I think all girls sound like
) R) v, t  G, f) Y9 P  O
% b' k1 A$ Z% K0 i2 fYou could not stand my eating
: a3 p3 G2 T3 D9 b, o; ?Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
/ e! J2 q% r9 x7 dEating with sound is a pig
0 l& L/ y9 t. G3 A! {0 N
I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
8 D. E3 j4 R7 Y9 OAnd that is the price for love

5 \& a. Z, u# j1 s: R$ ]  ^you are deeply in love
9 \: ^# [- q, _; z! \' x. i  zEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
; J' A* \- ~2 H) P) h. ]and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
, L" r0 y3 i" @; Ocan be shaped whatever you want
& {/ e' p4 ]/ @" d' \( ~
, W, m: h* l0 i8 }: B. Wunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
0 H& k! s+ s* d% X) H( cIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
9 h6 H$ r! E; u5 ^  ?. D# y* Pi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
& O& x& Q- `2 {- LAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
( |9 b- z* i: ~! I$ iIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
8 f7 K4 ~) c; L- R- l% ]
: O6 h+ R* ]5 A! R+ R. y$ KYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
# R# d, v: G& O& O/ hYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
# G5 d# h' f2 ~. q% }: _Everything from you is so charming
3 @/ g+ l' S- P7 q# Z2 Salthough You r so picky for me
7 k) K7 A. N' }" {' u- h3 d, V8 dAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
: Y$ h, a! ]& b8 D4 j2 Q  ^1 ?& z8 jBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
) [, n$ x. k# R4 C3 W

His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
  k, S! [# X* k: H! n% OHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
! [  H+ {+ b; ]She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
- y$ |5 Y% ~0 {  O
4 y. T& g) [6 L0 n! [  ^' HBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
8 \3 Y8 l# j6 c4 V  w
( D: f4 c' ]& G2 r- v5 JIt's amazing how I felt
% V0 \! O/ H  a; F$ Jwhen I was with you
4 H( h4 X" |; b2 NMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
1 M5 b+ b/ w) [( S* Q8 AHoly Jesus, you were so cute
* u* j% y: i6 ?( k/ _9 U! h
You left me without a word
, e$ P+ W1 n4 O8 p3 r# ~I have nothing except my emptiness
9 f4 L1 R8 x! d+ UMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
  N, [2 e! @4 c% t6 f
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
( G% J/ G) s# g* pIn the depth of my soul
% h' [. y/ T' P8 z+ M. `I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, H7 Q( O9 m" M% Z你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
- {* K6 X5 w' p' s你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
; m8 G! M& I7 sXXXXX
$ ]! s) N: P/ Y4 X- e& R不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
% Y6 _0 |: t  H4 f0 {4 {
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 [7 z% ?! P& z. x& ?( F2 g) A' ?至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
4 ]3 l3 X2 u+ {; h闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ F% j2 m: p* v4 Z- f5 P你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
: G3 N% g* w2 M就和用中文写一次
# [% R7 ]* ^6 M阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

# }# i5 g3 b: F: \. u
* e2 n. K/ P( c9 L靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
$ K$ p# X' X3 O1 u1 _

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。