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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love6 o4 M$ U% _. Z! h8 ], i7 o3 J

7 ?4 @, v# m4 `) ]& Y" jI fell in love with you
8 E0 I* l0 z( ]( w9 F, s9 b: m6 _At the first week we met1 _, Z0 ~$ l3 Z0 x7 \

. k6 Q& p2 u* Z* |! G" I+ dYou have charm, you have looks9 m' U& P* l$ T+ A8 T, t3 o
with full of pimples in face
8 P# w9 U" z  f' }8 d+ M- rAs spotting sky at a summer night
+ R/ l: }# }  L8 d7 ~+ g7 Y$ EThey are shining stars- K* P8 v. Q+ ?/ \$ h6 J
, R- U4 a$ ?7 g
Your lip is so big
- a9 N/ L8 A4 [- b# o  l5 RAnd that’s good for a kiss
3 R6 i. a+ w/ K: LYour body is chubby& C2 ?& s0 w+ k( e9 D: k% a
And that is good for sex# C7 [: D( x; u0 S8 t) w

& b, `1 _: r" Z3 W. y/ D1 z+ c0 l7 MI was deeply in love: T( l7 M! ]) ^& _- D5 A4 v
Everything from you is positive7 o3 I( H  m+ z$ m. Y: v
You blame me everything and everyday( a  P2 s! G1 z# N% X" i! y
And I think all girls sound like
* D2 q1 i  m/ Z( W% D! L3 }
/ c) e4 H  u3 ?You could not stand my eating8 Y! z! L/ D/ G% _* j
Saying no good for making funny sound# K7 w) ?: ]% }8 s/ W( U( g' C/ }( n
I think you are perfectly right
+ t6 h( ~+ m! A# N! ~- E3 IEating with sound is a pig$ O% a' k2 K, B0 t: Q
' i3 t4 q3 m. F+ [- O
I fell in love with you - n5 T: [+ L1 \
Become a fool to think1 r4 \- f8 m: P( {* n/ k
All trouble things you did
& ?, C5 Q# w$ T- D& f  HAnd that is the price for love# O( C1 W' Y4 ?6 t# A6 O7 t- i

( x, p% I4 ]9 r* e' C1 P! H, _you are deeply in love0 E% H9 L8 _, p1 y+ ~% J2 w
Everything from me is negative1 c, g+ s. r; h
"My man should be like this,
: G6 y/ g# L  U2 S# Tand I am helping you to improve'+ k6 J% H* ?0 d4 d
% m7 {4 }* r6 Z% [# F
You are loving me ' d7 B4 i- E- U4 t8 j0 {. v( _% k
or that one in your mind?
" |" N; h. C; E8 J4 d/ \; P5 Z1 W' kMy mind is like a mud, h% \7 S" h' t9 x- a, S
can be shaped whatever you want
9 W, N/ i- g$ z& h$ X+ Q$ {4 ]
: m8 g& {2 `; m% b3 Zunfortunalety not my heart3 k8 b: G  }- r/ n  r! ^# E* ^/ t, l
It is slashed by you
. _. P8 ]& F) P* l+ s0 Y# Yand I am seriously hurt
! D  I4 t1 q+ L6 {/ {- h/ h; G( [$ Z0 b" b5 g
I will never love another
: v1 c# l- }# e8 z8 G6 X( `# k/ cIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
! @: x* N* b) _' f% Gmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 m: F: W/ g. M- ]/ h9 z0 Q7 F
% p  s  [, W6 h) P* t0 d( W咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!& a4 G; \8 j  J: J7 a' ?- }
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
+ l* R+ C* G' x. q3 ?- e2 _6 {i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
8 N4 }2 ]4 x' o4 o, `- dAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
6 |6 o( D; j, v0 X# K; V2 s( O9 C& j
with the charm,
9 A$ J2 d! z+ K6 l& T+ n2 m" Fwith the simles.5 a) k% }% u& b& ]
I fell in love with you & u& g% U. L9 @; x' `. D- W$ ~2 B
In the first sign.
7 Q0 j. T6 f: WAs spotting sky at a summer 5 T' m! D" H! y' h, V+ y
3 Q# }% |8 b, a$ `( H( T5 ~, u3 s
Your lip is so soft + _4 Z* b; ^( S! v4 J
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss. k( ~. }% B, `  i2 p
Your body is so sexy4 N  e9 b* W0 E1 _; m
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.$ ]  ]/ G! _7 s- F
( G7 E+ g) [8 j6 |7 Y  s4 s
I am deeply in love
8 j; h( t5 Z1 YEverything from you is so charming
& O2 o+ E. s. w# Ralthough You r so picky for me 9 D; N3 ~; ]2 M* W7 J/ _+ \( A/ h
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
+ V8 ?/ T8 k4 U. k1 ]8 L+ [! u4 _But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem- I. u3 P9 ~. Y

0 m( v1 M8 i: @8 }# T( Z  r- n! J' l( X6 e7 a3 V
His hello is the end of her endings. R; `! E  f# f6 i% [4 \
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle) P" @6 |% ]5 n2 @6 S
His hand would be hers to hold forever
1 _+ G2 \. y1 }2 \His forever is simply as her smile
2 c2 F6 s7 G+ c0 V; DHe said she was what was missing  d: y$ b2 o$ s8 ?7 E  s$ O
She said instantly she knew" V8 C3 u  p$ W: C2 Y; q+ ]
She was a question to be answered
+ R4 s9 r- o/ K7 _, y4 nAnd his answer is 2 O( f7 _7 M, Y/ J
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas/ b8 J- N3 f- t: n6 K: h0 q3 e

, M* I( a* R! @5 V9 `2 I2 L# |Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
* e1 P9 G/ ~# y
2 L2 t3 w) u" C' S3 }' MIt's amazing how I felt % ~* j  o2 k$ ^  D! p8 N
when I was with you# m: O0 @0 }) g% l
My heart beat so fast
% F% p8 Q4 i6 uI looked at you and thought8 n6 ^% L0 k0 ?0 H. G7 K0 M
Holy Jesus, you were so cute7 f6 p* x) B" H$ U+ h  z

7 x, q5 P' Z) J; w8 E% n5 O8 oYou left me without a word; _! n1 C8 e/ [" H
I have nothing except my emptiness: i9 P  J. C; x
My mood is like a cloud
' ]  V( g1 S" s. s9 d! QHow could it be dispersed?" p# p% H1 A+ F4 F* H# k- `
2 ?7 ~& I* K. }
Feelings bite my heart $ x4 X3 m! I8 J/ ^
You are the right one I wait2 i/ f8 f! ~7 E' [& M. |, {
In the depth of my soul1 H: R8 f6 ^, q4 \/ k& |
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美8 K6 ]: C) j, F5 k! Q1 D
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, _- b3 K+ J8 Y! r+ p* P2 }就和用中文写一次2 \, l3 U, R# Z/ Z# f* W
阿,我爱你
4 r4 k( f" N8 H9 Z( U7 Z你让我心跳好快8 t( P( q; C# ^& m2 ?* [
你让我脸发热
( [+ {, m; c3 I4 Z) r3 |  ^, u我爱上你的大嘴唇7 C* D  u. q( I4 g4 N2 x
XXXXX2 o2 B& e8 {  q& ^. [! V  f7 }
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
: X  _" a+ R# R3 E& ~  c  D  d6 L
4 |# Q. C/ n  S$ V+ O如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER0 C/ @/ y7 C2 Q! O& h9 k
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
: z/ r" E3 {/ ~" d2 ^* P闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美% W9 ?' V( P, K. i
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
: s  i2 I! a4 I. A7 o就和用中文写一次0 D9 A, s4 Q& I4 q( F' p, H, W
阿,我爱你
5 R) a/ e3 g6 M! s5 l+ Q. L你让我心跳好快
7 V" ~8 w  c) j' K+ e" d你让我脸发热; Z7 z$ e8 {2 ?% j7 I: X2 ?: K
我爱上你的大嘴唇9 J( }0 W4 S: ~& Q% @
XXXXX
& |( D: K- n9 t不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

$ {1 Q+ f1 l' x2 a2 N( @' B0 D7 N
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.  p# m  j' G: C2 k9 z
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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