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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
9 X1 b6 m% \' \0 I) i) Q+ R( A, H* H7 R
I fell in love with you ) |0 A3 s$ ]6 K5 C- H" |
At the first week we met
  Y4 t8 \& H( j: f) r) V1 l* w8 X* s; N7 O9 i. ]! Q9 E
You have charm, you have looks7 ~/ v4 Y5 }$ L) m6 S  d' e
with full of pimples in face) Y5 u$ _% y# a4 ~
As spotting sky at a summer night
$ r# q2 r6 |- E1 }/ D7 aThey are shining stars+ t5 {* W: e( c0 F

( i- o/ q; P. }7 f6 I+ U; `+ `* Q' EYour lip is so big( e/ A* v) W( `0 F
And that’s good for a kiss. ], G$ U7 P" b- y& u
Your body is chubby0 B. t( ?' A! N" q) @
And that is good for sex
8 t& ~8 s* {& e$ G4 S- r  A7 j3 d
; d/ z$ k9 E1 L. _2 HI was deeply in love  ?9 t) M8 t! Y/ R. \/ G0 i
Everything from you is positive0 R& Q- C  d2 z; @+ _
You blame me everything and everyday$ T7 X8 v1 Z* P7 H* i8 x
And I think all girls sound like
" J/ n! p/ H4 T% b$ S
5 G9 U3 V# L9 E% \1 dYou could not stand my eating" x. k# i  _# P) g( J4 H
Saying no good for making funny sound, d4 J% F! @8 g& R. Y
I think you are perfectly right) u: J' ~. p( E! E5 e, Q/ w
Eating with sound is a pig5 ?! l( C$ v8 O- H/ F+ B

) w. M, Y" h% t! j  BI fell in love with you 9 G, q2 ~: Y4 F* i+ C( G; W
Become a fool to think- Y9 p$ H+ s' t. n3 }% p
All trouble things you did
1 }$ {. H4 @" ?& p3 F9 k2 C! xAnd that is the price for love; x0 g8 ?+ q* |& O7 \2 t
( H. ?4 ?; s: N0 f
you are deeply in love0 B) e6 B) N$ ]) ^& m2 D: n* t
Everything from me is negative. i, ^0 ?& `3 _5 ], {7 g7 ~6 {3 p
"My man should be like this,
0 N$ O  Y7 J+ h0 ~" A2 Cand I am helping you to improve'7 H+ A- V7 c2 z6 a8 t$ c+ t8 C
7 X6 P; T* e6 E& A4 P8 Q
You are loving me + I! c; B3 O3 Z6 ?* b. |
or that one in your mind?
5 g. g- U* l9 ~& c$ VMy mind is like a mud
: [( h( h" ~' c$ o7 Wcan be shaped whatever you want. V5 U9 G( z" i9 l
0 i( f9 m0 e0 g4 v; Z7 h
unfortunalety not my heart
" m$ O5 w) R) U( J0 p! n7 M6 uIt is slashed by you 1 j6 E5 P8 V/ u: d' f/ n1 n
and I am seriously hurt
# I# j  j0 L3 s: P! |( x" @, v: G; f; e  ?2 u, h4 O# q
I will never love another # |7 p+ o0 M( @. ^$ Y
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 0 n/ m7 B( e; t2 P5 I6 P
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

2 Q. q4 g: P  Q$ H, g; ~7 ~- ]' v5 I* S" l
! g$ h! l  I2 d; `2 U; v咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
( v# M/ M- u' v不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
: G: h& u# c  _* wi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
# A8 p& h+ L; t  R, F6 d5 uAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
0 m& j3 s; t- t9 M. i8 J6 d6 U" g7 M+ p
with the charm,
+ t& V% _* F; q$ }with the simles.
& e- s$ u# d. E- O& ]1 U* H' M) NI fell in love with you
8 h5 Y/ z' s$ y3 c8 p* `6 nIn the first sign.: L- ^7 {; I# N. t* r2 y
As spotting sky at a summer
9 g" }6 u% M) o2 j% N) `. [
0 O, h3 J' u& u) M+ E0 DYour lip is so soft ) ]) r/ m) f6 W' z6 {% n" c+ O, S
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss& Q! i5 e) T  D' e
Your body is so sexy
9 R, E5 ~0 o0 E8 k) QAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u." _% e3 m" y  b6 B7 V  n& X1 C
1 U3 a2 l; P  D3 K
I am deeply in love( l" |3 p  U0 P' B7 o) Z
Everything from you is so charming% l6 S8 X/ e; U* R& U) W
although You r so picky for me % `$ G: R- _0 ~" p$ X
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
0 s  B$ H- ?1 U: A5 u/ OBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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. v" q0 ?' D; c5 t' E4 x" h# r
0 c  ], I8 F& F$ THis hello is the end of her endings! X8 @5 Y9 ~* g, [& q
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle# Z3 Z* d  L1 u7 D3 a/ r0 D
His hand would be hers to hold forever
7 N1 b- c7 i$ ?+ y9 X  L. EHis forever is simply as her smile 0 m  B0 _( S/ `
He said she was what was missing
* E( @: w) V) L/ [She said instantly she knew$ X" q% }2 h; j
She was a question to be answered
7 @/ Q* ?5 }8 r, @& q, P- \And his answer is : D; e! [3 H% B& T/ K
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas+ K, J, l- v" U. J5 T, _0 h/ m$ i
+ n8 u( w0 k- P: }1 z
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt7 i  `2 D; M) s1 I" e9 u+ s3 B
4 a  G' d( f1 H0 ]
It's amazing how I felt # S9 |' \. u( q+ i2 `+ @4 E
when I was with you
: a, H9 E9 Q" T3 jMy heart beat so fast
- @3 N" s7 b- {2 A; y- ~6 pI looked at you and thought
9 J! X" O4 `+ u% O) |Holy Jesus, you were so cute1 }  a2 H+ Z* p, e! J
* f7 |+ }) u: o. h! I
You left me without a word& k1 o! Y7 G( L: p. ~+ X- e
I have nothing except my emptiness' G6 T3 o+ e' w1 s% r
My mood is like a cloud+ ^1 s8 `. o: ^6 N. a
How could it be dispersed?1 m3 @7 n1 H7 A) f0 P. X3 n$ ]2 m
6 P0 X9 k) a" Z) I
Feelings bite my heart ) a; t8 W% D5 L
You are the right one I wait. d$ W* r: C: l7 e1 k( ]
In the depth of my soul+ h' ]) \) {( H$ t
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美+ w5 n3 o' D+ P
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道4 @2 Y4 f8 a5 m
就和用中文写一次
% r$ C% f5 o: ^0 i4 A阿,我爱你
4 W3 M* J) ^9 i( C你让我心跳好快
" [; m' ?. J# q5 |' P; t3 w你让我脸发热
% \( H; ?! g( ^, k! ?. Q9 Y" X我爱上你的大嘴唇
& o  H4 c- d4 q9 h4 \9 N. _7 `+ G6 E4 tXXXXX
3 A4 u. a  W1 |" |/ I  c. E不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?# f# J$ p6 s5 |. w

* C5 r7 F5 Y& F4 A* {8 V如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
* S& V8 ~7 c6 g至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
5 {4 X& w9 w, U5 o闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" F' f' a3 h. B7 f你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" f1 t4 F6 O7 a2 A0 F* B就和用中文写一次5 f5 i8 C. j3 c8 Z4 G" W' z; r6 N
阿,我爱你
# ]+ Q/ N0 P# @% m) ?+ @你让我心跳好快
4 e7 T, @8 l8 O8 ^; R你让我脸发热
( c3 ]' g! a0 j1 k& y* b我爱上你的大嘴唇0 B! ~0 v  H% l/ I
XXXXX
' m4 Q7 E( {) S: m+ d# x& M2 E0 p不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

$ e& V  u* k9 Q! u/ B  x$ T
! }. E) Q, h, G) o靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
1 c) G( M; q/ r" d. ~  R3 X
大型搬家
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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