我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
" A/ p. b8 l% f( y
I fell in love with you
5 \$ r( j( `' S" h8 `At the first week we met

7 s* H( N) t. B8 o3 h% P- L+ d+ xYou have charm, you have looks
5 X) |3 Q9 g. Ywith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
3 ~; w2 p, l; B; L9 S! X8 xThey are shining stars
0 U7 x6 P* w) X: J/ l7 i, k- D
! w  W& E6 n0 uYour lip is so big
- B6 r1 l! k- P& n. o" JAnd that’s good for a kiss
- |* C; o1 |9 N5 k9 ^Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
$ m6 r9 G0 z6 U+ ~
$ W* T5 V/ f. ^" }6 ]' A  _! oI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
5 q% j# s9 I5 ]: g
; B1 _& S$ Q5 X" zYou could not stand my eating
  E* K+ s; G7 q  u1 F0 }- Y, s- _Saying no good for making funny sound
8 n* C2 O6 K. Z- |' ~/ iI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
/ h; N% C/ Z; t0 `( A3 a5 r2 r; ~
I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
. |& _+ {* s- I# G) @$ sAll trouble things you did
: o- {3 x" Z% S' PAnd that is the price for love
* Z# ^3 k* J) }; Y" {
you are deeply in love
& y" ?) Z/ |. _Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
" \3 c4 L5 K) K$ b# E3 k
/ N! r" e- Z* |: N! BYou are loving me
0 i3 s% n3 s& g+ Kor that one in your mind?
2 t/ t) E7 [( v. rMy mind is like a mud
3 p, |. o8 v* L4 C% m6 N6 C( scan be shaped whatever you want
& P" ?  U3 h  |4 k4 F
/ q7 }  m; k- iunfortunalety not my heart
( W' D% ]* _# g3 ?2 `  \0 y# BIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
5 Z3 C) A" a' S- Y( n' X
2 N. U2 g$ P' t6 R( {  _I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
" X6 t3 E1 M" gmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
% K  P1 v$ M- \3 W6 J* H不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
. {3 `. ?- Q7 kAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
7 _' q8 \" N# f7 ~7 h" a
# [6 Y% {" l1 rwith the charm,
2 s4 `$ h* v( F- Cwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
* ^# t6 G6 V( u; k8 I' b$ q- xAs spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
2 _4 y9 f2 {  ^5 h$ mAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
+ o8 W; f  d4 [4 x
* j% P; }! p9 A4 RI am deeply in love
8 B* a/ A. o% @4 UEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
& Z" j' Z+ D: a* IBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


* A2 \8 l$ D- z$ m0 Q  xHis hello is the end of her endings
3 c( ~2 W' |- \: lHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
3 n! Q' n6 B( U- UHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
, [+ O0 [  M, }; UShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
  }2 k- Q# y/ g% L, nAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
3 [5 U. }1 Z; v* ?- X: g7 s
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

1 J5 S+ s3 b. g; M$ C  UIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
: H; [9 C( |; f# i% SI looked at you and thought
# W4 n/ H6 o: Z% M! c% i5 j/ c/ SHoly Jesus, you were so cute
( c( B+ s  G9 }  t8 j6 w4 G: r
- {2 w* O: @( }) x8 Q2 B" ?You left me without a word
/ h: M7 o) R5 p2 M1 g0 T; ZI have nothing except my emptiness
$ {  v  s; Z8 A% ?8 k4 cMy mood is like a cloud
/ X: u+ P0 O% a! g5 z0 W1 |How could it be dispersed?
. {+ ^5 f# f5 r6 ~2 K
3 K4 j( q- V/ P* ]* m" _7 TFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
, u% e3 Q) s) w; i* MI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
, l; D( Q; M5 v, B% RXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
9 D5 O& W9 g& P) G2 u
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
6 y% P* Y8 R( y1 J( [闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
# K9 W8 D5 l" {7 l我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 s' t5 M; j; e! E- D2 E1 sXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 z; E& @. T. f# z; Y2 _靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
% q- k( A. N" l- f# h2 {' h- |

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。