我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
5 G: C3 O3 C( v+ eAt the first week we met

7 i2 W7 T: e/ @! lYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
7 v" x9 _( L; {" |1 ]( \" p
Your lip is so big
; I2 {- z- ~9 f* O1 o( DAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
9 e0 \: d& Q1 g6 rAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
( v( u# o- y% AEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
. a. S% O+ ~5 z- V" H& [
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
; J/ [& [8 B( a) _' ~1 ~" t' qAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
) Y0 c: m7 P$ {. L- c0 G9 ["My man should be like this,
& x8 L- X  k1 G* Uand I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
8 a7 M: T+ }" c* {! Wcan be shaped whatever you want

$ ^) M4 u9 W0 ^unfortunalety not my heart
2 n' A2 ]5 h7 |# d5 D5 z5 \It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
) f! p6 |0 t3 F3 {/ a% x
I will never love another
4 P7 b  \9 W" m% N) S( NIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 ^! z3 Z' q% @8 a8 Z0 u, N5 imy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

; J0 ?# {& v; F, K9 U, K$ O
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
& R+ }+ O6 k/ O* Y- Si am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
, j* y1 v. ]1 dAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
- j. S# R7 I* }0 I8 c. VIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
, C, E% x- J1 o9 S* w: J, t( ]
Your lip is so soft
7 k/ x4 `; M) S4 G% sthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 m. Y" y  a1 j0 XYour body is so sexy
9 N$ V  p8 X( [: R% C3 J7 v" `% OAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
* }  l/ m! m( X3 Z* l8 r
I am deeply in love
: R) J6 x1 L# uEverything from you is so charming
  g- o- q0 y/ G  ~% malthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

2 @) X4 x, Z7 Z2 t
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
: [: O( H; i& T1 ?His forever is simply as her smile
/ `/ T. K8 @! g, OHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
( r# v& f/ F0 A4 bShe was a question to be answered
; o* U2 t1 i( W0 `6 a9 G- IAnd his answer is
- f5 I* H, R) q8 LI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

, f& a  j, q/ p% C' w2 {! jBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
! {% h) f7 i2 o
+ k. ~% F5 e5 E& o% s$ q4 DIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
3 V) v9 z6 ?  p( m4 q6 o6 z- j5 AI looked at you and thought
$ I+ m" V- \7 R4 n" h( j" |7 rHoly Jesus, you were so cute
/ g. E8 r! E4 n; k8 p$ E7 V
0 |; [/ D9 Q. j3 LYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
0 Q/ i+ _1 M# t1 EHow could it be dispersed?
1 u: s  Q2 F0 y2 i
, p: [2 ~& k" V) n& c9 u* \Feelings bite my heart
5 ~4 I( V. X# M+ K7 S  uYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 ]! S/ U6 t2 v$ z! i; h4 o) J* d你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
* b. V9 A  }) x( n7 K3 l) o你让我脸发热
1 m& T# q% A0 Q+ G我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

# t' h- h: W! Z如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
+ _+ P' T9 ?. i; x( s闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ y* U" |: [3 ]0 t  p+ p你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
; J4 z8 |+ `- u8 I阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
/ e# \' i% a8 J& s$ E, }, U你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
9 j0 ]$ h# E1 P' w% [XXXXX
6 y0 b# i2 \" M! i. F. B$ ^不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

6 t# H$ m8 g7 y7 i( j. m
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。