我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
1 ?9 P* F- k( P4 |, Y7 T% C! q$ h; \+ C
2 T5 R7 s+ S5 x1 e: ]4 K" xI fell in love with you
) y3 x: v- X2 ^3 V5 D6 {4 H1 l6 cAt the first week we met
" V/ x" t$ [5 J& l) g3 Y3 i0 f3 S0 ]
, \+ R6 d$ c6 o7 Y# S( b) [You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

4 A' s  ~3 A- f. K4 q5 \! i1 B& EYour lip is so big
: @9 d3 N& p3 VAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
& X, u' l/ D6 m' C; E: q* w  p; S* TAnd that is good for sex
8 W! `: d# m/ Y, ?' M) D
- m# c5 h5 x# w5 C% P! GI was deeply in love
3 N" F' G# ]$ pEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
/ w" |5 a# o; a5 u1 [; A- g( s# {And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
5 e4 `$ d- I6 k4 a3 }6 b, nEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
8 p  m0 h1 b3 ]' ^  W$ D5 r8 vBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
9 @% N  d, y, U' m) z0 q) M# P9 sAnd that is the price for love

8 }, m* N# H8 Uyou are deeply in love
/ }! e# L' Q6 W0 {Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
. e- X2 \7 F* `1 [4 C! N: |/ X1 `and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
0 i5 S1 D" Z# V  R8 v' r9 bIt is slashed by you
$ C8 f% E7 b! i* l3 P2 ?and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
2 n1 J- J( `) _* TIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
& J9 N5 x( R) |+ W( ~% \% {my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

- E9 t- r+ C. l& ]
3 t4 ]; c& p  I5 Y: t( H咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 B7 E# E% l/ q% U9 N! J
with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
$ Q' R- r6 V# X" S9 w$ `there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
6 Q+ H. Q( t- i; X( a7 d9 l2 ?And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

/ m/ d- I! }2 M0 l) j% K6 fI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
6 n  V" ]5 O% ^& i, t' @# R/ \And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

; ~9 y1 w  ^3 g& m/ G% E
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ B1 N1 G( F- G1 WHis hand would be hers to hold forever
0 A$ H! [4 o9 C" Y; e" vHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
4 h' z( y- {/ V$ ?2 V5 n0 T; @4 PShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

; G9 h9 A# b% `1 p7 kBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
  p; w$ w7 x$ r5 \( Q8 l
1 w4 M! K% m& K0 X& MIt's amazing how I felt
. A( @. V. `% i9 @7 B6 hwhen I was with you
% ]5 ~" H+ [- V1 `My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

! V5 \! V4 h  z, O+ JYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
5 l/ O" T5 s: {9 ?% |My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
1 {/ y0 |9 h# P% s3 f1 EYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
. j3 ?/ l, c8 x. hI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
3 G2 V1 F) E- M7 i/ O  R你让我心跳好快
" W$ N. n1 T& ~, \你让我脸发热
* Y  F/ K; w: z  j/ R8 }我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
2 p6 `3 o# W2 G6 T
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
4 M5 S3 A% K3 [+ v2 E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
" o  I# c" R  c: j2 _: P' j你让我心跳好快
$ w  M% _- ~4 E你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
2 q% L0 P7 A0 i9 }( @! y不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。