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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love. J* n# L1 c  ^7 n6 y- j

: k" l7 K' P  m) w3 X% z7 Z$ @/ j4 aI fell in love with you
/ g% R% j! x$ c0 S- `2 CAt the first week we met
  a6 E0 [4 W4 I1 `* @' B0 v
8 R& u  S2 w( ~9 z1 p1 A! ]( A1 P( X: ?You have charm, you have looks
; Y! y) S! a' C' l1 R) x4 k$ h, lwith full of pimples in face
; g( |9 t2 P3 C  h/ tAs spotting sky at a summer night
( x$ O) `6 r* ?8 Y& SThey are shining stars
' g8 @. n  V, K' e: \/ j2 O* L; q  Y2 J
Your lip is so big
$ @$ z& z) U  h9 nAnd that’s good for a kiss3 s( T5 X+ B& o# P
Your body is chubby) p% v* \2 ]- c4 W& I. C$ n4 w
And that is good for sex- T- Y6 P: r& j$ o- b7 b/ C
' g! y6 ?0 b0 G* B
I was deeply in love
) Z6 [% X7 W1 L* u$ \" Z' A$ vEverything from you is positive* i/ C3 h* B* [1 y9 w1 C/ ?! _  w
You blame me everything and everyday0 H4 q4 l1 N& o: U, t
And I think all girls sound like4 Y0 m9 w) c- H/ Y0 t. O
4 U  k- A# @5 X8 [4 ~3 E
You could not stand my eating6 ~0 t; E9 p  o' @9 C
Saying no good for making funny sound
# R5 x5 a% T9 A" B2 |I think you are perfectly right8 k% y# B/ y7 Z" k& I7 @
Eating with sound is a pig
6 T1 n1 C( L+ h: q  m: H- ~: f6 v8 i
I fell in love with you
+ I4 I5 z( |) c( uBecome a fool to think
+ v0 {' u$ d( n" @( v+ UAll trouble things you did  k! {' b% X4 s
And that is the price for love
, P+ Q' Q; Q% {' f# _" z, G) O3 f1 u7 b4 p  _. i' e, I/ l
you are deeply in love
% D- ^5 E; ]1 h2 k/ J+ QEverything from me is negative* h& c, w! @7 }" \' p, d
"My man should be like this,; m. N  c2 C* A4 i* D8 j
and I am helping you to improve'
! Y7 Y' S' p% B# P8 h4 ?" ~' S# L0 ~# r: R
You are loving me
+ R; h; u0 w1 W; D1 q( }0 @or that one in your mind?
( M& x- @( y& X, L9 OMy mind is like a mud
* T% v6 R8 e6 e# b7 U& Y7 z; qcan be shaped whatever you want7 h% I' w" n" m" `8 ~4 x: n
; o. k" d) q4 ?) q; c! L8 q+ I
unfortunalety not my heart! }1 u4 c) _. p+ |: g1 V
It is slashed by you ( y6 H# E, l+ p. A- F
and I am seriously hurt% W# I+ W, h" z4 {
6 t/ N6 y5 M+ ?9 Z! @3 u) Q% S
I will never love another
& B: ^% @& M* W4 QIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
$ {8 @+ V* D" X9 Mmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 k% p" U; S# f3 V
% n- z3 |  V+ g0 p/ Z  ^+ R咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
, T6 s+ a& D0 I) _: s/ f不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, " O9 h) f6 j$ |- {+ c
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; g6 ~6 O( \8 Z( nAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed0 _5 Z1 k% d7 m( x

) k; j* M& `% e% t! c8 S9 hwith the charm,1 j8 ~% a7 ~. S# x: W1 r
with the simles.
8 k0 D9 n+ F% T1 H3 k0 ^/ G& H4 ~I fell in love with you
0 Z. D7 w, a% X% C; _4 KIn the first sign.8 }% P8 t$ C  _
As spotting sky at a summer 0 G' I/ g+ ^( Y  M
; D7 v. Q$ b) T1 C  L
Your lip is so soft - w* j8 }" \9 h, R' i; w
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ `( L2 Y2 U4 ?0 D) tYour body is so sexy
/ z- c( l/ K0 i6 E) lAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
5 B# n: I0 K0 o7 v+ {
3 u2 }5 y0 K6 `2 o+ ^* ^& r3 z+ cI am deeply in love: B  x6 O7 V/ y0 a% z! j, L7 ]' E- R0 ?8 ^9 p
Everything from you is so charming
: [8 f0 b+ `% m0 }* Walthough You r so picky for me & V4 e6 l# J% K) Y! C/ r
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
% _$ m7 N8 d9 H/ F: G* MBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
/ Z9 s" ^( B& D( p7 Z
3 Q3 T' Q2 ]: _% I9 p# |+ U; g7 t, g. G2 G: V3 J5 F
His hello is the end of her endings8 W0 m$ C$ `  y: J% d
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
! ?2 w! y2 m, P( w" Q# M. UHis hand would be hers to hold forever
1 u. P5 m6 U( c1 r2 ]9 Y' sHis forever is simply as her smile ( I( r( R. Y8 f  C
He said she was what was missing) C/ C" A9 M5 e" Z" ?* C
She said instantly she knew
; H4 M' @0 y3 d! ]She was a question to be answered
  F8 R9 {" V1 H: {7 C- bAnd his answer is
7 O8 y9 [# I7 L/ M& Y) c  n6 tI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
9 q0 W0 T9 |5 s" w: x
- S$ l( }9 W3 ^Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
1 p# S9 Q  a; g5 b+ w
* J, Y, k% E# t! e' |It's amazing how I felt
3 y/ k, R) v5 F! N2 bwhen I was with you
' s$ c, [1 Z) H( yMy heart beat so fast- S1 ~! ^8 E' Z" @* H
I looked at you and thought
+ h0 S9 `: H" p6 fHoly Jesus, you were so cute' B3 n/ C$ ]- D+ U! Z( V, K3 L

$ S5 p, n, Q  u# i% Y" z& B. ?' |You left me without a word) z: a' S! N( P4 B' a* u# l
I have nothing except my emptiness
* {5 }! |4 V1 _My mood is like a cloud- b6 X9 w0 K3 k9 o) y0 \  D
How could it be dispersed?' {9 c) C" G* k  N$ s
2 V* M: j& a# Q/ D
Feelings bite my heart * A- g* x. U9 r2 `3 U
You are the right one I wait
! E  n! u1 q6 tIn the depth of my soul
, P0 G# O: V+ B/ a) W2 y$ h6 }I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, |2 r! \, J, T) k1 H你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道$ u0 }$ E7 N' r3 e
就和用中文写一次) p  }; N- |# A6 r1 U/ v
阿,我爱你7 p- T' m: U( A' \. ^
你让我心跳好快: ~6 n3 N  C, y6 z$ Y! N
你让我脸发热
1 ?+ m0 v8 W0 o1 y6 [) o我爱上你的大嘴唇  Z" V4 Q- h' C: u
XXXXX
( Q# M8 J& b3 I/ x; [: t不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
& s* l. r! H- h, m& k
. H7 o5 ]& @# X+ C5 X1 U* c! ?如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  P4 u5 l" J3 @; A' C# g9 v至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表   v% V3 }6 ]- F0 H
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美3 _" ^3 G+ k8 }) d! p9 U6 }- a7 I' F
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ {) D% w9 x0 a# K4 H, c就和用中文写一次
0 J) c9 I$ ]: w# a/ S9 n1 P阿,我爱你( |( D% j. S% s+ M. O# |
你让我心跳好快- r& s! Q+ ?! O& O$ s+ ?  x8 y1 ^! Y
你让我脸发热8 o: u& h9 G5 n
我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 y) }( C+ s7 X  w* f8 }XXXXX
0 v' C7 Q& x6 f4 T不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
% r- n$ Q0 n5 T( I/ K
  ?+ @  w) {3 G( ?5 p3 q9 ?
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.0 v3 J, q, \  S! m$ b( u; a
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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