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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
9 Q& n) O, D& `" L' s+ U% h% g3 C* w( L5 c6 G& z
I fell in love with you
: \- k( K  b# [$ I4 |! p& u" @9 |8 hAt the first week we met
* x! o; r8 J4 S& e; G: x( m
! _; t. Q3 Z; gYou have charm, you have looks
1 S( u6 l+ G6 Q. F% fwith full of pimples in face3 |% Y$ i" j% y/ @& \; u
As spotting sky at a summer night
0 u* \8 E. K" |) c' ]  IThey are shining stars
; m7 _: E% q" d: Y$ T1 ?/ P) X  x+ p0 d7 H
Your lip is so big( g$ V9 \1 ]; C7 W4 M0 W2 P$ k
And that’s good for a kiss
) Q# B; a6 `6 i. `9 y# B) h3 y4 mYour body is chubby
/ i8 }+ \% q" t; F: u& F+ GAnd that is good for sex
3 z' J, w3 p8 K. g- `& s  t( x4 u% w' D' u+ q. n2 B; t( x
I was deeply in love
  Y* l& t4 f: x; @  V% V' O4 ~Everything from you is positive" D8 N! q: q" d2 A2 z5 M3 K
You blame me everything and everyday
3 l+ E) @7 q( |- K* Q: u! vAnd I think all girls sound like
( o, e% V9 ]1 J8 H
4 \, W, k, ?2 L# g' M' u1 \You could not stand my eating" g# [6 J0 c. ]; d" E( y$ J& I
Saying no good for making funny sound
! x3 D. F6 U6 e7 v' D8 |I think you are perfectly right, s: L" M, l% V
Eating with sound is a pig
/ n: I# X/ D3 Z2 A# t# H- g9 D9 \4 @$ M* k5 N1 R' I2 @
I fell in love with you $ ?, I# a* B: l% G" }
Become a fool to think
1 b, V" h5 t+ F& \$ U9 O5 z8 BAll trouble things you did
( @. [% r7 L" fAnd that is the price for love. w4 S* e4 B+ X. o* V& {
* o4 M' [- A8 r* t5 ~
you are deeply in love
6 n, W* ~' _9 U7 T7 s, HEverything from me is negative
9 J& k( M3 x  x" b0 J- l"My man should be like this,, M" I  |  T. W% H6 Y( N3 L: e6 D
and I am helping you to improve'
% `3 c- }7 F1 h0 W7 k# w9 S% r8 d' ?2 Q7 ?
You are loving me 7 K# }" B: B% T* S+ {# X/ J6 Q
or that one in your mind?, N, P/ a/ @% B$ ^' r/ H
My mind is like a mud
$ u+ g7 ^" U+ R/ n  A' _' G" scan be shaped whatever you want
6 h0 r7 `* y2 Z" Z* L+ s1 U" |' W* S# s" `7 {  T( z- T
unfortunalety not my heart, q; j8 O* m7 ?6 G, t6 W
It is slashed by you
7 R* m9 Z. h; H  l3 ~  ~and I am seriously hurt
; p1 m( x% s) q; g9 Z8 P  |
1 P% P( X0 R' J9 T( F' FI will never love another . Q8 X: V! x' V) a6 D
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ; W) {; J+ Q: d' `* C
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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1 \+ U5 z& z9 L, d咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
9 m' Z) H1 _5 Z* j% w$ d不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
) t- B; _, V: ]2 B9 ^: q9 Pi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.) c5 U: [: F+ B( _
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed* S9 h) h) c- ^( b

7 |9 }5 c4 s4 gwith the charm,# Q/ ~1 C- T  L/ \( A, M
with the simles.3 x3 b  T: @0 Q3 U6 A8 b, G
I fell in love with you
# K- ?9 ^% ], {8 a' q0 ~- BIn the first sign./ c+ h, i0 c" h# p) [4 H* u
As spotting sky at a summer
6 `. k: l, _1 }# t& O( Y* r; R% y
9 t% z9 h5 b3 G1 vYour lip is so soft
3 r$ [. z, J1 {0 g8 P. Z9 j* Kthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss# M0 v+ `9 c. C
Your body is so sexy; o* [+ n, ?3 A) J, e
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
% b) x1 y4 H* z1 R6 ^% }
) r5 H9 j7 O* t$ {, o3 w) R+ W5 P# a. {$ i# TI am deeply in love
7 Q" d# T" A6 hEverything from you is so charming
6 `4 B$ K2 W5 c' V, R5 O8 Q: x  O1 ^although You r so picky for me . c- w  k  X% v) G6 @3 Q
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
* b/ A! x! Z/ s& O2 GBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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6 u- W3 y6 L  N" y. n% P, l4 i( y0 [4 R0 ]3 f
His hello is the end of her endings
) e$ u/ q/ D& r- e4 RHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle; N5 _# r0 I+ v4 f7 Z3 N$ O. l" y& O
His hand would be hers to hold forever" Z; M3 ~" d4 O, k. V" V- F
His forever is simply as her smile 0 K8 ~8 M3 v) S
He said she was what was missing
8 X' p  d7 S" ]# N! p  g; HShe said instantly she knew0 `! c5 W$ f/ m" F! v
She was a question to be answered" q0 R" C8 u' b/ R  t
And his answer is . R4 Q! c' g4 I8 |7 z/ A7 w
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas$ ]* f# G! Z( G+ s! h* C
, G9 u- g3 a' y$ R2 s" x/ Y9 ^
Below is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt: H0 |/ Y0 X, Z5 t- S& e0 P: a7 r

2 l( J3 b/ S* I1 i4 \; B  `It's amazing how I felt 4 k- \" x$ b& @0 l$ T  K2 S, m
when I was with you
6 @( P* q( S7 T& z& Y" e: F! o1 oMy heart beat so fast
. L$ ^8 m+ E9 `' H5 J& gI looked at you and thought2 Z: t+ P& ~' z7 N- ^* J7 e* b
Holy Jesus, you were so cute% w$ i6 h( p( J- c; j6 d2 _1 z1 ]

5 M- z3 ~8 g1 t4 o0 l2 iYou left me without a word$ N- C9 n/ j  v! i7 ?
I have nothing except my emptiness' A% M: p9 h' e  E
My mood is like a cloud# j& F3 N4 e/ V9 `
How could it be dispersed?
. X+ ?3 h, f7 |5 f% C. _3 w# T/ i6 K1 e( E# O# X
Feelings bite my heart
$ @0 N& ~# T: U" d1 d7 X9 {You are the right one I wait$ Z, Q7 G) H! Q7 g
In the depth of my soul5 b. z4 {2 h& b0 |5 m! u
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
6 q# R) F+ T7 D5 {8 P! x( O你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, o' U6 s2 b' I) {( D- {  @( @: O- f就和用中文写一次
  b3 M" P' E2 }# P阿,我爱你2 l0 _7 r6 d& K% `; r: }! u+ u; |
你让我心跳好快
6 d9 t+ Y; }% Q1 I" M0 y你让我脸发热
2 k. _+ m$ g4 R1 w我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ l" t" ]1 S" f# lXXXXX
4 S8 n$ ?4 e% ~! N9 m# B- e0 W不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?( S9 g' n. y) V! `. c
! x% M% _0 A* q8 N' ?$ w
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER9 ]: U6 [, i8 {) H
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
$ [* t  H, e, J闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美0 Q0 D( a& V  y( A
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 N  q' X4 ]5 Q" f6 U就和用中文写一次
  B+ d* u3 w: e6 @% T0 V阿,我爱你/ b  B9 N( Q. n" L  v
你让我心跳好快
% }/ r7 q* ?; Z4 U7 x你让我脸发热
4 b1 }- m8 f9 K9 n2 y我爱上你的大嘴唇" _* Z* W, J% z2 z
XXXXX, Q+ j) H+ r7 w
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
$ E. L3 _  @7 L' {8 @9 G% Y

& I' k! a* a) {靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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