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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
: F: }) c& j6 z" I. r8 O/ B
+ m1 G$ M# N  V  S1 T2 J9 H) |I fell in love with you
. ]0 K/ Z4 f; t  l& lAt the first week we met
, y( o# Z2 j( i; ]7 U' Y" R6 k) a0 H( @
You have charm, you have looks
9 @- A# y7 J: A0 G3 F6 Twith full of pimples in face/ S+ T2 h+ z! b" V5 I- P" q
As spotting sky at a summer night
1 {  M. A" m4 F+ d; n3 LThey are shining stars: l( b3 d* K3 `

# y: o: T& s1 aYour lip is so big
3 c0 l! Q. u+ ?$ KAnd that’s good for a kiss# o6 x. ]: K% s+ S6 b) T$ }9 N% Y/ {
Your body is chubby
" V. k  s# }+ f2 JAnd that is good for sex0 S6 k$ \. v1 O8 y' r
6 n8 D* U$ p7 ]9 A" k
I was deeply in love2 r# K$ ~+ }5 g0 C4 W; I# t
Everything from you is positive
( V/ j1 T# s" Y( J: Z, s, x# l# F# pYou blame me everything and everyday. S. Q5 P% l7 \
And I think all girls sound like
0 ]' }) ?  i0 \) G- ]) }
! w8 E$ |# d  r; \: A- zYou could not stand my eating" ~2 J; X  Q: \9 g
Saying no good for making funny sound& J( e" j0 J# w/ o* K. C* v9 o/ L
I think you are perfectly right1 C" f/ i) A1 m2 G' q
Eating with sound is a pig7 {# y% d+ y) K# K. F) {
" n- v9 v8 q3 b3 h
I fell in love with you
  d* n, F- D; x0 YBecome a fool to think- k5 @1 E# Z# P/ l- C7 M, b9 }
All trouble things you did
7 }- Y, B! e7 s' m- g! q& A' VAnd that is the price for love0 f) p/ y; R. ^0 u1 x0 M, k

  a9 n/ g+ ]/ ^you are deeply in love
( G/ I3 r8 j4 H$ H% U' OEverything from me is negative  {2 i6 }' p& z4 c  m& E8 I
"My man should be like this,/ m7 |+ p- q7 Y; B% [+ r
and I am helping you to improve'
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% C5 N+ h$ b  u: d# AYou are loving me
( X' [$ R* E: g# h" b  L; A9 Kor that one in your mind?
. ~- Y. m( k. ^My mind is like a mud
- d5 T0 R" ]* L4 vcan be shaped whatever you want
; g3 }7 k" v: {7 }7 }! [1 H) ~, T6 ~: j4 L# [& C1 \/ ^
unfortunalety not my heart
0 Y& ?+ ?5 g0 d3 j5 I. T' }6 Z0 kIt is slashed by you
  Y! F, M/ \5 y$ y" Iand I am seriously hurt
7 O* g0 E' a& q9 e6 x. l. H
" A6 c" ]7 _+ ^$ @; C3 W+ L! xI will never love another * t& c' x0 u) b, |5 p1 Z: h3 `
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
* N' z$ D7 p/ Q( ^- emy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
+ F. B6 x) w: L- c, z, \; c. {
+ \5 E* r" R' t2 e& R
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
1 o  x2 {2 K0 o+ A) x不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 8 Y' T; f0 K; M, T
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; |* E! O' d7 z% [) f  xAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed  n2 Z0 U( X) n4 d6 ^. K+ r
8 p; h& A, J  O6 n! n7 Q
with the charm,( W8 O. p- v1 }! U% v
with the simles.
# T( d3 w2 ~) c5 V# i/ z( oI fell in love with you 7 {* d" g$ B+ @  I5 _! [
In the first sign.
1 c$ z* W: N  R9 w1 Z* ^" _As spotting sky at a summer
; N) y- C; X1 ~: f: u. N7 z5 F& A$ j* p$ K1 i6 {
Your lip is so soft
; J. _. Z1 L* Y3 Pthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss: h  G+ G6 X, s0 p$ K1 x1 L( T
Your body is so sexy4 [) F( w3 k/ U9 E$ ^8 p  k/ _
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
) t$ M0 f  j* T6 V) P7 T6 S6 T$ P1 ]" q) w) h$ k* \
I am deeply in love* n* N' Y" ]: F) F1 Y
Everything from you is so charming
! I# S) @- a* Ialthough You r so picky for me % z6 s4 a7 z6 s3 l, h
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
1 a: X. z3 f$ z( e9 dBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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, k7 e$ c5 L3 N7 V# J
: X0 O0 |% X+ }4 v( FHis hello is the end of her endings
5 u1 Q8 I1 _2 b* `5 C7 xHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle- `: x" q# B( ]
His hand would be hers to hold forever
# W- _( ~: C7 N) y% WHis forever is simply as her smile ) e2 z& O& a$ ^& U4 }; C
He said she was what was missing4 f8 Y( C. l: _3 O6 c5 p
She said instantly she knew
' m6 u* b' J8 w1 @1 M; s2 BShe was a question to be answered
3 R. \! M7 F" j" b" {0 |8 l0 vAnd his answer is . x- k( F# X% e/ U, D( D% U: g
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt7 l+ _  Y. n& L9 C
3 i1 j- G  ?  x' r) f( b+ y
It's amazing how I felt 1 j9 j3 `# I- v$ j1 x
when I was with you
5 i* r4 V( m9 g- s/ Y# fMy heart beat so fast
! L; ]0 I. V+ c: h1 @I looked at you and thought8 S, @3 S  M) ~% E- A  k
Holy Jesus, you were so cute# l- V/ x4 {2 X5 k0 L' i
8 B' p; q9 }: N$ Y' F  Q" m* B
You left me without a word
* `6 n: S- h# y" v( B% W) }I have nothing except my emptiness
# Q( s7 \, c6 o; u, J, sMy mood is like a cloud4 V" }! H. k( ^# r
How could it be dispersed?' m5 }8 u; X/ x. c1 A
4 X& O, t4 K  F, G
Feelings bite my heart
# B' [1 m3 }9 fYou are the right one I wait, }1 d2 [' i- g2 {4 i: |! q
In the depth of my soul
9 v: Q: a' ?% A* M+ f* C9 w' g; ~1 bI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美3 T! b( m+ L! _: o( g
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道2 F( }$ w* C/ q; G$ m
就和用中文写一次9 F8 K# q, T* `; \! Y
阿,我爱你
4 A" i  }1 y; r. {你让我心跳好快* y. L' ?9 p7 I) H& k
你让我脸发热4 w! x  y# O; v4 d- |- _/ ^! ]
我爱上你的大嘴唇
- \" U  D6 E7 |5 v) A& G1 ?XXXXX$ q) {# ~3 z7 x( p2 Y
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?9 U3 X! e8 o& R  ~+ ~

9 P/ q( H% ^) _如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER9 ~. K+ H  V- q5 o2 r/ F: _
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 " r( @5 w+ V  m3 `- C/ F/ _
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* P3 e5 \/ A; M: C
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 d% s* q( m& F" L' [8 m% S6 t
就和用中文写一次2 g# T! `& z7 P* E
阿,我爱你- b8 e/ q' v' {- n6 s
你让我心跳好快
$ L3 _5 s/ s3 H4 J, Y, z" _" k你让我脸发热
( l" @8 ?8 E3 Y我爱上你的大嘴唇: ~" L; @2 O" x
XXXXX
2 u/ H9 n: L/ U: ^. F不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

5 u0 u; l0 ~% O4 q8 l
' n( G8 i4 d, O. a4 z- x5 A  H2 _靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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