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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love9 E. E' a8 ^$ m7 v2 }/ w
0 K) o# y8 @3 f
I fell in love with you
8 T4 l6 I0 S7 n* @At the first week we met4 x. H- w2 \3 ?7 j$ d. r

8 @- Z: f5 I( ?# m8 O& OYou have charm, you have looks
! H9 s; n- m. C/ K" P6 }with full of pimples in face
9 d5 k: _' J4 |0 w! {As spotting sky at a summer night9 J% v! t6 x6 i' R
They are shining stars( F2 [+ r5 `5 m8 e
7 O) ]; [3 h* d! |" g3 M# H% c
Your lip is so big
* E; G' ?& r7 |8 fAnd that’s good for a kiss
' s! ~. ]: {6 {Your body is chubby
% \8 W  Q# M9 O: [And that is good for sex
# g# E- Q/ ]1 A  ]1 K2 w
9 O& s* i, c: G9 z- \. N+ S+ s: HI was deeply in love! {  h& P. V" e: t
Everything from you is positive, g0 M( p. C; C7 T9 y
You blame me everything and everyday
- O5 x% N& D" H; h( ], e- f% L$ gAnd I think all girls sound like6 O$ B  h: k8 ^" A
! F8 ?% a  p) f4 p1 N7 I7 [
You could not stand my eating
) {6 ?7 s% e% F- q: h5 ~Saying no good for making funny sound$ t' K% r- v( S' O; u, h  U: F
I think you are perfectly right, v) G- p: _4 ?7 k+ Z" ]+ ?
Eating with sound is a pig0 ]1 ^; e. B+ P( }
6 `" D5 ?& B7 T% T2 f8 X, U8 n
I fell in love with you , x- G2 T: `! ^2 z
Become a fool to think! C" z. p6 r6 _9 i1 |
All trouble things you did
. D5 N7 L. o1 b: v: e/ L; kAnd that is the price for love) E! B0 A7 o, A  X3 s

- `) u( a7 j3 c  X2 S8 i4 Myou are deeply in love
2 S, J0 J% ~8 Y9 J0 G/ A/ o+ X0 A3 @Everything from me is negative5 e% i  ]/ ^) y
"My man should be like this,
# h, ?8 D" Y% ^( w8 I# i' E8 M0 Sand I am helping you to improve'; y. H) A5 S6 h

4 X; ?' T7 M4 d  X: \8 w: RYou are loving me ) S. ~$ X1 _% Z- e9 L
or that one in your mind?
" ~* i' b, r, C$ x  xMy mind is like a mud
1 {) h. y* B1 v4 t1 o$ V) O% ucan be shaped whatever you want
, M+ A0 I2 g1 G; K8 w& J4 Z+ G! J" G  q+ K
unfortunalety not my heart
: v* _7 O) j- W5 @7 ]It is slashed by you + a2 }/ C7 a/ S3 M2 K
and I am seriously hurt
6 g  r/ H, O, p8 c4 _+ [' P
- z' Y* P2 X$ F" U6 d2 r' f& ]) oI will never love another
; z& ~$ z; t; j7 ZIf my heart can be fixed
大型搬家
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 2 e" i9 J) R2 }# k% @# H
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

+ o& N1 I# @+ Q- \8 D3 ?
5 n( Y: F, {' `* B. p+ g% e" y咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!1 [  d3 d6 v+ b) \
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,   C4 O. W; p1 k6 d
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.2 q0 Y/ e8 v' T" k4 `8 B: N
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed9 I& S  D4 s2 h4 z; B: q$ W  _
5 D' D6 [0 B2 p' L7 e4 q7 M/ `) J
with the charm,
* m$ a) P: ]9 d* }* o4 d; E  ?with the simles.  R6 O2 G3 @0 [1 W. D
I fell in love with you 7 L" y% G$ M. ~) b  A
In the first sign.
1 ^4 ~+ I& z  XAs spotting sky at a summer
5 r1 x& B! N7 E& c) A" \8 Z4 n; |& x7 c- J0 m4 m
Your lip is so soft 5 L7 D( K& L+ {
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss- W4 w5 W# i# _/ f
Your body is so sexy+ t6 A8 R5 f3 L- \8 ?" U
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
( w$ w  _$ _3 M; `' B
& p& g# p3 X4 b. \2 ^I am deeply in love
& b) E: e9 Z, a6 a+ _5 y6 h# m# iEverything from you is so charming* \& p# @! j; X9 t$ h
although You r so picky for me
3 C. T$ s/ L" cAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.- ?' x# w/ C0 O
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem! E3 Z) k/ y2 q, b% D$ D

3 w* h6 f2 o1 ?. T7 f" ^  ~( _' f8 |( A3 a9 I
His hello is the end of her endings
5 M1 s3 O# Z) zHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle6 Q5 |% A  E# H
His hand would be hers to hold forever; O9 u# ~: S0 G0 z( S1 M
His forever is simply as her smile
. k2 o" D3 D6 T4 q. ^He said she was what was missing
/ P6 o" L" F1 k- W8 yShe said instantly she knew
' E) L7 b) L, q' d) iShe was a question to be answered
( v5 W) ^- p6 \8 g' }- oAnd his answer is
2 j; `  D/ k. |5 H0 FI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: S8 X: N" L% ~% ?  V( Q: \0 l# |* \/ a. `/ C: A
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
/ k: y" D4 S2 J% X+ R+ p- Y. O  M- ^  }- l0 W6 j- O
It's amazing how I felt
# p8 o/ a7 ?3 r: Pwhen I was with you
  ~- N( o" T) P5 K7 i: _My heart beat so fast7 p; c5 m# m% F! S, p4 g% q3 N
I looked at you and thought
. q" q) `! z2 hHoly Jesus, you were so cute4 K6 E( ~5 o5 U
4 J7 c' t) z1 r! u, Y6 y) c
You left me without a word
  G7 X  w$ w, V+ w; N& ]+ S$ WI have nothing except my emptiness$ f% B+ {! Y1 g) V
My mood is like a cloud: |  B. h4 n/ n9 g% `' W
How could it be dispersed?
' m' b; Z* k+ g& _& B9 t% R8 {) F. J" e; Z
Feelings bite my heart
4 z  d* w5 M& G' z: T1 ~5 \You are the right one I wait
0 ~, p. ~0 N9 E* H9 ]# SIn the depth of my soul
2 L) U# Q1 |  d$ c7 j; LI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, Z; ^, E4 {  ?: ]; ?: u* T2 W
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
  t- U5 Z9 J& O8 w7 K/ X就和用中文写一次: x) X  S0 n  _2 \3 O
阿,我爱你
) J" q% D: N: C' u你让我心跳好快
& \% m2 G* Y1 C. z' e& ~: S9 s你让我脸发热
3 {7 O- x. M7 w( ~- I我爱上你的大嘴唇0 _& [  |! n& U: l, b  l5 Z
XXXXX
) \1 W! s. o5 ^5 s不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
" t% C! C0 F/ k/ U0 H
' r9 N. @7 _9 o+ r+ p如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER* p. F& q4 F: Y# Q
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
7 N  X) G8 Z- `; Z2 {0 }1 L闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
* ~& ^% d% Z: E/ t2 W7 m你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) h! j- H+ D2 u& e0 N就和用中文写一次) v$ ]( w! ]- J% p" z) |4 N
阿,我爱你
8 ~8 B9 s, s8 Q0 Y9 L& A你让我心跳好快
. Q/ X6 B$ h/ P  ^8 A/ G你让我脸发热
) S) z/ R" `* @我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 B6 r( O& B( u- I0 Y3 {- sXXXXX& {3 r" n1 t% K! w+ ?& b
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
" w% V! h& e3 u3 h5 b
) z& A" X% [- }, r* u, D2 ^
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.+ s( j$ x! ^, h3 `# h
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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