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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love! y3 ^- K  G0 ]3 K: K+ }$ h8 O
; V/ g' h* O# M( y! `
I fell in love with you ! B$ \& k5 N7 {1 I# A: c
At the first week we met7 i# R% p; Z1 Z  j/ X) K+ X

; y, M5 Q1 g* {" ~7 b% N+ W: m% Q" O& tYou have charm, you have looks( C- m4 J8 _! x4 \( |
with full of pimples in face
3 D2 S, I' U& i/ |; e# U# g! bAs spotting sky at a summer night" q, Y7 a1 E$ C# K& J; C/ a: j7 P# s
They are shining stars/ T# i& y7 x4 t: Z$ O. M* h$ [

0 m( V% r: A6 ~$ vYour lip is so big
  p4 V2 D" J9 |And that’s good for a kiss( p3 Z& O" T$ o/ N" t
Your body is chubby
/ |5 i  S& B* {( k* A  m$ kAnd that is good for sex
6 s+ ~6 P) P/ u6 R' f5 K5 K& w  P8 L* v# g0 B. U, g8 Q4 L
I was deeply in love
0 F$ q) k: @7 {. dEverything from you is positive4 e3 i9 X6 T- i* ?# g( U, {
You blame me everything and everyday, P/ X+ a3 [. f6 N: a0 e( K' X9 q
And I think all girls sound like8 ]1 S7 Y8 c% z

1 @7 U+ w  I3 ^1 k. `7 vYou could not stand my eating
+ Y3 v8 l# }: _8 L# gSaying no good for making funny sound
5 @& ]& ^! [$ F2 G6 qI think you are perfectly right
, m) H' R$ }! \; n& r  Y/ |Eating with sound is a pig7 Y4 w+ ?3 F1 p' b$ [

$ p# J8 w* n! k. U* }; ~# ^I fell in love with you ( m8 L' w) T! t# F- c8 Z
Become a fool to think! c* f$ H" d3 I# ^" ?2 [
All trouble things you did
9 }$ X$ {9 g) NAnd that is the price for love
, i: H% j2 [( _8 Y3 K# K
4 f& z1 y& f4 X/ z! `7 Oyou are deeply in love
. @! h8 ~7 ?( R. a7 h6 R# ^Everything from me is negative0 {3 y% {. i. {" a2 X0 k! N
"My man should be like this,9 F0 U1 E+ P- @7 g) [  h; N. y3 ^4 ]
and I am helping you to improve'
3 D$ j8 d% X! A+ ]) q/ K1 p- `, d$ O$ c/ a8 i! y4 ?* E; L
You are loving me 3 ~7 a7 z$ k) F+ [
or that one in your mind?4 o: Z9 t) \1 w- F
My mind is like a mud
3 s0 S: O# W: ?" [can be shaped whatever you want
% I; x6 N/ R" F
. [7 f5 W4 ~" n0 Ounfortunalety not my heart, a6 h- q* P8 Y
It is slashed by you ) d; z+ J# V, ?7 [5 F1 ]0 Q1 F
and I am seriously hurt. H1 j9 J( X$ m6 c; T( i
7 b; g* z1 }; M7 B8 ~1 U
I will never love another ) k# z' g( C' g) B4 j1 \
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 " e, \" k) o, _. I9 |
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
0 F: q+ M" l' o6 p- i

0 _3 W; ?! P# s1 A2 Z( G咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!9 r3 s5 z$ n% M
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, / a5 M8 A) x- O( l/ D+ v$ K
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 L3 p+ u+ v) tAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
- e9 J7 N0 ?* }$ S& b  B
. m, U* s; C8 D+ L1 W3 Y$ kwith the charm,( G# q  U' Y$ ^3 l/ ^" h) o& o& v" \
with the simles.
+ s! `1 N+ L) _/ S1 q  X8 hI fell in love with you   u8 e8 `- v0 {* w$ r1 w( i
In the first sign.
# ^% b. b5 p- w( M  VAs spotting sky at a summer
# t& |0 s, r+ K" d; \- l  m7 F% C( Y: C4 s0 |
Your lip is so soft
! S/ t  B$ X& P. Y& m. i% N, r& }6 }there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss  @( R; Z2 p) B# \* X* m2 w, G
Your body is so sexy
) ?6 }+ ^7 s/ r' P  @. N- WAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
( C$ ^5 K6 F2 {  W. o1 g
5 {$ S4 O5 L' p6 j. _) \  ~I am deeply in love
; b2 T( f! p4 ]" J7 t& |& R6 tEverything from you is so charming" k* @  ]. @& t/ |/ q
although You r so picky for me
0 w+ X& M8 b2 {3 v# [  I) OAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.% C$ W0 h) f6 A& V
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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5 ?/ ]" q( E, T+ _# j' o# o, ]: J1 {1 `- k' r/ C/ ^( E% c8 ^
His hello is the end of her endings1 F$ q6 i) G9 M1 ]; g4 \
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle, E( g- F) V5 k, A
His hand would be hers to hold forever
; c  d3 `2 Y* y, N8 K( rHis forever is simply as her smile " _$ w% B5 _' @' l# S8 U' \, w
He said she was what was missing
) M4 C) ~; d% _; s/ MShe said instantly she knew9 n" o# o4 T* `& J5 b0 s
She was a question to be answered
& N( c$ d9 q; n- k5 j# y" X7 KAnd his answer is
4 {7 D# h, b5 n! A  Q. I+ JI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas4 |0 C. e- \/ f9 f
6 U+ r0 _: |( s) b
Below is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
7 }7 Y5 p7 X. H/ s# u1 f5 ^( @# z$ Q5 o
It's amazing how I felt
5 O5 j0 b6 Z/ E6 c: Pwhen I was with you
6 E+ M& a0 d) k- rMy heart beat so fast
* a/ B) ]% n2 N* H; H0 p4 rI looked at you and thought
6 R' |! ~* B# x; pHoly Jesus, you were so cute
: |6 b3 K& R! S5 ]8 u% L7 R3 W/ o- d& L7 ^! \; l
You left me without a word8 {! D0 ]# K, q( D% T3 Y+ {+ n
I have nothing except my emptiness
* n0 K# l2 d) aMy mood is like a cloud
# u% t) @: o* {, _4 BHow could it be dispersed?$ X, t* b# p2 c
% D- D  B  b. C9 a% Z2 N
Feelings bite my heart : O7 m! W- }4 T6 p
You are the right one I wait
1 O# _. ]; B" Z5 Q& P# A6 m7 ]In the depth of my soul/ `/ u: t5 y2 A6 Y4 T# L! q
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ _- _1 S: X0 M% J$ T9 w; I2 ]你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( l% b7 }( f; R9 C3 Q" d
就和用中文写一次
" w5 x; c: L  S5 h阿,我爱你
  j) L% N7 Y# M* U" q$ Z# g你让我心跳好快
( s+ T8 f1 k) C+ M% m, r& r+ A你让我脸发热
/ B  ^- D! @/ d" r我爱上你的大嘴唇' h& b, O8 o2 F6 C4 N
XXXXX
7 Y, E- D$ ~) f/ l不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
6 Y9 O, J7 n/ t* _2 M7 }7 A
) [% j% H" G. v4 [" Q如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER! J5 C( l+ S% W$ L- b
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
6 G  m6 u5 H; I6 K$ R6 A闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 X  T8 _' Q6 W" f: G3 ^# H) v
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道$ k" {6 W9 V) l$ U* ]) `2 v
就和用中文写一次; s1 C/ W: d  X8 P! A
阿,我爱你' q) P# {4 l# r: m
你让我心跳好快3 m$ }3 W5 n/ ]3 X, Y# L3 Q3 W
你让我脸发热/ I9 w; [' K, \' ]4 q
我爱上你的大嘴唇1 s# ^8 Z0 S, S+ w
XXXXX
' X9 @- H% b- L9 B1 J3 i不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
/ G; D% H# m" o4 m& y$ c& h6 N; S! M

0 c/ \3 M2 l8 j9 ?. Q  d) I靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.$ x' b' @+ p1 f  W
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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