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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
" w! x: {* M* i0 A, @" G3 W
& M: O& z7 Q- @( s, r, l$ M( TI fell in love with you ( R/ k' p8 y; A. j# s9 z
At the first week we met
5 r1 h! C4 k& b/ w5 O7 s- [, H$ ]/ L# b" y0 m& v2 i( C
You have charm, you have looks
, ^, I" i1 R4 i% _% ^with full of pimples in face, U, \2 V# m/ Z) ]3 S
As spotting sky at a summer night& ?9 N3 ^7 u. ~( W. z$ E; ]
They are shining stars3 {) W9 f* H! c% N+ c) ?
" P8 a$ Y3 |# [$ a; m
Your lip is so big5 t1 P' X3 f" f2 X
And that’s good for a kiss
" `! R7 s. p- d+ ?4 gYour body is chubby
8 B$ [9 ?% r% `2 MAnd that is good for sex7 h& q' E# h, {7 J+ L
1 f7 s+ o: h5 c% [- m- }
I was deeply in love$ G: P2 I1 F# b; \- o  t$ ^
Everything from you is positive% J* |! h& E3 y$ v( O4 f
You blame me everything and everyday
) s8 n: N- i- i0 h) YAnd I think all girls sound like; w0 P3 @) J) P4 f" g
% A' f, V8 a8 s! }$ i
You could not stand my eating
5 }7 o8 H$ _% K; H- `3 L1 qSaying no good for making funny sound
+ M: g1 k* A2 A, `+ h, tI think you are perfectly right
# r  b! ]4 }+ O9 ?8 \Eating with sound is a pig7 a& |/ f+ C3 g! ^# |! F/ K
5 u) T2 L! U) f8 J# a3 m
I fell in love with you 3 M/ F) |# d0 f
Become a fool to think+ z2 D6 {( D1 ?+ p9 H( d: j, v* |
All trouble things you did: g+ U. f- V+ ]. u) O" c8 e- |( A
And that is the price for love
2 j: F9 e2 d0 U8 ]1 e' L9 U: h5 L5 n0 p' o+ U1 }: q% W9 A
you are deeply in love/ `0 Z* w: d% f. _
Everything from me is negative" @3 `* c  y! p# y4 Z  G3 Y8 M
"My man should be like this," p( {8 [0 b+ F  `
and I am helping you to improve'+ j' l! w- H: _2 j+ S2 a0 m
7 H+ C% \, P1 B0 R8 T
You are loving me
0 h6 i6 [9 Z7 E- B) c8 Eor that one in your mind?
3 C+ X" _, N0 j! |1 @My mind is like a mud& s  P; d- R' R3 s: F. w) j$ W6 g+ J
can be shaped whatever you want
' s1 {5 d! N  V# ^+ u
5 v) y% J6 E0 w2 xunfortunalety not my heart& K8 g% e0 `( [
It is slashed by you : D  T; d9 j' J0 V1 x5 i) s
and I am seriously hurt
6 `: x1 Z& A  @8 _& P" ^8 s& h+ k- U5 x( H8 Q6 x2 w9 H: I3 y6 S6 V' a( B
I will never love another ; F* N9 S. I% k; |9 K2 D
If my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 1 E- T& ^/ X! y5 l: K. h
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
; I* H- `" G$ ~) z

) U  W, q- w) r8 h0 v! r咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!  u5 w, l( T5 u1 ~) |" T; W
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
6 B$ w) l6 `8 z8 G2 a9 bi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks., |5 q1 G2 _- d  ^5 k
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
4 s/ w: r" v& y; b
/ }) ]  _  r. M; A* y: |with the charm,1 }0 x9 |7 |9 W/ }4 T
with the simles.' M* V( c5 d! E. Q/ W" z8 U- a! \
I fell in love with you
. a2 _; g0 g! S! }In the first sign.3 X% [  B  L% Z: c1 O5 K
As spotting sky at a summer
0 ?* n) f$ P6 P" R$ ~* d6 z0 J
) [: i# B1 T% A% i3 {- GYour lip is so soft
& n" l# ?. {" Y) h+ M  \8 X  sthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss: n8 U9 t4 e6 N( P. J" H6 K
Your body is so sexy
7 d8 f/ A- z4 A1 B: EAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.6 u- _0 ]+ o; h- Y% w! q6 z: p

3 Q, S/ f8 F! j) A! RI am deeply in love
# N0 d( l% L4 ZEverything from you is so charming: U: R  X9 m& A6 J+ M
although You r so picky for me 8 T4 {# c0 {  v, |2 C9 h8 V$ |  R
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
8 N+ Q& w; a8 Y+ O  bBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem* Q7 n. m- q) Y+ w; }/ d

& s) v* J2 h& p" ~1 ]+ y/ A) V7 V
8 j: g0 I& W7 l6 M6 B$ O6 [His hello is the end of her endings
+ [* R# t  \* U8 h* ZHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 l6 }, Z: R6 {7 g: |! JHis hand would be hers to hold forever
' q8 N* B: Q3 ^! LHis forever is simply as her smile
' |5 h$ d% @6 k" o% n+ `5 bHe said she was what was missing
3 m9 C6 R& y5 B0 k  U) QShe said instantly she knew! @, _1 H) @$ k( l7 u$ O
She was a question to be answered
' _! L% ?. k, e$ B6 a( p! R* T. gAnd his answer is
8 g5 w  S) w& e0 [I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
0 A% S4 k# V9 q( I
3 F) d6 K5 Z% S& d% ~5 jIt's amazing how I felt
- B# K9 _  e0 Y: ?  M% Dwhen I was with you( X4 N: A' F0 g! ]4 n: M
My heart beat so fast6 k& h8 x; F+ g6 {0 f8 q% [
I looked at you and thought
2 q7 p( V3 K6 n" Z; ~0 hHoly Jesus, you were so cute/ i/ w, P0 g. U6 i6 R' `

3 B8 g9 f/ H0 V8 [9 H( dYou left me without a word
9 b3 E4 [0 V! c; j  SI have nothing except my emptiness8 X5 p2 j+ |+ {" n# U! {( V
My mood is like a cloud8 d& Z# U& K8 U. S2 R
How could it be dispersed?+ Q2 \: r6 n( p" x% M( v( ]; j( i
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Feelings bite my heart ) y) q# r1 Q, g. v+ s
You are the right one I wait' s$ B( F( p/ [- A
In the depth of my soul; V3 x& d% Q  @0 s: i8 a
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美: E9 D% W* r  F7 V' r# @9 |
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道2 i- Q# Z" m9 U6 l
就和用中文写一次# {- D+ F& p, z8 r% y/ q& t
阿,我爱你
0 `8 o7 e2 [+ Z! B你让我心跳好快
2 h: k1 f( d% Y( C/ B1 R你让我脸发热: [, ?- m6 `/ x/ f
我爱上你的大嘴唇
! [& G: J# A% `+ K% H% TXXXXX
/ C4 \" p$ f# Q不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?. W- l0 t# A- a3 F

  `5 U( s! `; C3 b; w6 M" x% ~如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
) s' g( C6 q# H+ q  m/ t至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
8 D1 u$ ~, Y  G1 e" e闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美; w' b1 C2 r# E. a  z
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 R2 u# h7 l" X1 {7 T就和用中文写一次* u8 Y" l6 w* a6 U& j! K% d! V, V
阿,我爱你: X" W- K5 x8 g% h# m: {& k9 O
你让我心跳好快5 c+ `4 S7 g' E! p8 `7 I6 y
你让我脸发热
, S( n+ a& X; ^) k1 j2 p7 E我爱上你的大嘴唇
# n$ g1 K3 L( s+ A; jXXXXX
+ @) v4 Q4 Y( d不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
2 L& q8 Q- @& C. S; F
# Y& K, U8 U+ T# U" {
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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