我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
4 K' G( m& ^  R) gAt the first week we met
( k" `' V/ }0 k  J% e7 l% K% A. i
You have charm, you have looks
) M/ G3 x' X# M$ |4 }with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
8 `. K* @7 D/ T$ O
$ m, u4 d# z) l3 F# x5 _Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
! t, Z/ Y+ e, |$ q3 PAnd that is good for sex
% B  W: n1 X& i( N3 t/ G( m4 P$ W
# Z3 L( F, e: M  m- zI was deeply in love
8 M8 Y7 |0 ?- k5 \& w& u7 @9 E; ~Everything from you is positive
/ G* f, R: `3 r( ]: k& U1 d0 sYou blame me everything and everyday
/ @  X/ |$ I; R: L+ kAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
4 K; o* y# V1 z0 N; K8 A; {I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
  j( c& A' {" w* @! d' sBecome a fool to think
9 e0 x% C; X' n0 _; ^& N; L! BAll trouble things you did
' X8 ^/ K& Q# M. G4 l: f8 SAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
) F7 `7 v4 [  ^) Z9 w9 |"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

  {7 k, ~, A/ g% {) A- D# A$ ^  gYou are loving me
! [$ _3 Q5 D; H1 n" V. Bor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
! o6 _; N! Z) {' i! j6 N# gcan be shaped whatever you want

1 [- L% r1 x) v  Z+ T/ Q& \unfortunalety not my heart
  j9 n" J& L/ L. _: w& LIt is slashed by you
$ x; z) [0 _0 _* B& N) J* Xand I am seriously hurt

0 P6 ~6 W" t  {4 m  M# W$ b+ ?* mI will never love another
9 y: `5 X6 i) K4 E1 C6 hIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 Y  V" g3 _' h4 B4 k$ V咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
. C* n4 \7 ~, V+ ?i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
) M% f0 @1 Z! t4 v( t4 c9 Uwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
) X1 d+ \+ J! \In the first sign.
5 q2 P& D3 p. y9 g8 K8 ?# z1 YAs spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
6 b' Y1 m. c1 W, vYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
9 G, X% u2 _9 k9 k
: n( l1 `4 d, c" Z1 c1 M$ E9 }# rI am deeply in love
# F- g# E% Z- |, |Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

& B5 {2 N  }+ K- O
, E9 e4 }& D" B5 i( {) c# vHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' l3 n- @( C: `His hand would be hers to hold forever
$ X2 |3 a" n; J8 s8 k8 B+ bHis forever is simply as her smile
( h0 a5 Y0 i" A! eHe said she was what was missing
6 G( s9 A9 ]. _( X! N0 wShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
( A% ]4 p, S' T1 _1 Y' |0 A3 r/ ~7 qAnd his answer is
( e7 u9 m' J  E' NI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
) [6 X2 ?. E% F
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
; ~5 Z" e9 d- b6 h/ {0 KMy heart beat so fast
- M) N% X! a$ V5 d: y$ `I looked at you and thought
" r) [8 i3 s0 g+ K2 F4 h8 NHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
& V' R9 \# {; d7 x* t5 h0 ]' X& cI have nothing except my emptiness
9 C+ I! R, d* UMy mood is like a cloud
9 T' m4 J) V$ {0 wHow could it be dispersed?
" a4 Y8 i1 D6 f; L
+ w5 d# k; H9 h" N/ J+ p9 EFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( s$ G& X/ j# z0 t+ Q: @" D你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
& W1 Y7 S& c" Y你让我心跳好快
- G( x5 k8 K& R6 ]你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
0 s2 C# Q" H2 z+ O; f9 M. X不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
2 f# k' g/ q1 J* r7 R# G
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
8 b8 Z; [  ]3 l$ F: s/ ]* Q) l闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 ?" z: P! o6 U2 S- T# k, G你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
1 K) Q+ r( f* F1 \( R+ O阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
; G2 y5 m) ~. [# A$ [1 ^- w4 ]% s我爱上你的大嘴唇
. N+ a6 k! P" B$ l  C+ y4 a8 K  gXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
/ f: D: _6 Q! }/ ^

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。