埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 4997|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love7 m' ?; D. I" [7 q

  Q0 `5 `7 e  g8 v5 ^I fell in love with you 2 M8 C  \, B) w+ n1 k
At the first week we met
# I$ a1 L9 y, {* C3 R( a' Q8 [4 {: l& s1 V+ X! G
You have charm, you have looks8 r0 A7 K' V( O$ k
with full of pimples in face
$ g0 D6 I) L" U& y3 VAs spotting sky at a summer night
! C% d/ `+ a7 @( G0 [8 L! C+ ?! [They are shining stars
, \+ E- o! i6 Z" r7 |5 C) C, X4 l7 W' P3 e6 e
Your lip is so big
1 b& `# m: R/ ?+ D( L0 wAnd that’s good for a kiss
6 N+ X( q7 j* U& k1 _% b( sYour body is chubby' I9 |& D7 _) t: v
And that is good for sex
; Y; e$ W/ l; ]6 k9 O$ v1 m
9 ?  U; u8 m( T' \I was deeply in love
) Y& J+ j7 Y, i0 Y$ Z2 A  i6 }9 ~! \Everything from you is positive* J2 b1 ]# y! p# Q1 G4 v; I! L
You blame me everything and everyday' \6 \" i& S/ t6 q
And I think all girls sound like: Z  ^, s- y- l

4 t+ a7 \" e' V1 t. _You could not stand my eating
2 S$ V" F* D; b- B; r( A1 _Saying no good for making funny sound
2 m+ d1 l( x  l& Q; c% `0 cI think you are perfectly right
; M) m5 n: g  g" bEating with sound is a pig7 g9 v) t9 D( @. _3 w! y4 f4 k6 G
/ h% Z+ [2 O8 S: d4 e
I fell in love with you . u7 i0 A- l0 ^
Become a fool to think
4 v( \& q$ w0 P. }All trouble things you did
* X% Y& z9 X) P; I. EAnd that is the price for love0 h; n" }( `1 K( V2 J( L

$ o8 w6 B8 b$ V" |) a1 g0 kyou are deeply in love9 B) w+ _, A- _* z
Everything from me is negative2 Q; R2 n9 W  z- G! f  @% z6 I
"My man should be like this,  }' t3 Q5 b4 H1 ]* Y1 |1 d
and I am helping you to improve'  I# F- Z1 a% G) v6 g! @2 X$ \1 O/ A

6 A& n5 J- Q) Z9 Y  \, {& I4 E/ ^You are loving me
1 X# f( J' D' Nor that one in your mind?9 Y+ c+ V8 P* u4 ?9 A3 C' A
My mind is like a mud
8 K( n8 G  q& d$ Vcan be shaped whatever you want1 f: C5 \4 y, a/ F5 |  }- X, [
8 p. A6 P. R/ ~  G. r) h; c7 r& t
unfortunalety not my heart; F0 i  ^, p5 |4 N% q' Z
It is slashed by you
& r7 K. K4 H' x; [7 y! cand I am seriously hurt3 Z8 p" |* q6 M3 t, o

, a( ]  w8 H8 Q% R8 [! B! l9 \I will never love another
$ c, D1 C  b# `, G2 ?2 DIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 1 J! u! G3 [3 m( c
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
% h% U9 O& p; X

/ ^+ B" u- o% ^咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 V% E* b1 R6 m, h不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
* ?5 `! R4 j/ W& y7 l; b2 q. Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
: d/ _& q0 c, Y3 z  m/ q, q: DAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed: k& V3 N$ p9 D2 s% B  L
1 Z" Z6 c9 x; }5 h
with the charm,
$ ?6 _/ S2 [0 V) [$ Ewith the simles.
1 ^7 S$ i& z# ?3 v* a. qI fell in love with you
5 v, T; O! y6 \0 n0 B7 S' eIn the first sign.
3 h! N& D5 l. Z9 t0 d2 A1 h! {As spotting sky at a summer
; J* V6 K) h7 a" L' K6 u; h+ W, P5 Q% }5 i7 _8 h2 F7 ?
Your lip is so soft
* X# d$ l3 m& O2 `4 |  P3 Lthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
6 h/ C+ f, g% M1 ]: pYour body is so sexy% G2 G# ]; g! q2 U
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
: ~# m$ Z$ R" @. V8 `5 t8 `" W& A, Z8 P. n- N
I am deeply in love8 p$ |7 A8 e' p
Everything from you is so charming
, I# I' w+ P" j# t$ B6 J8 e$ {. @although You r so picky for me . |0 ^8 j5 R! L- q0 j" l
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
" k4 u5 U1 j3 _8 GBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
8 y% T" h2 @+ W4 F% |5 G
* s) }4 T# G  x  i7 R* t! n  y$ z3 ]' |0 G; _; H6 H& X3 F
His hello is the end of her endings
1 ]/ h0 I, j* {& _% R. RHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle3 \9 o1 [' n; W
His hand would be hers to hold forever! [7 t( l2 D" T  ^9 W
His forever is simply as her smile
+ ?/ ~3 t" E% `He said she was what was missing  ]7 B3 p6 K3 o4 c, g2 n9 p
She said instantly she knew
4 @) @: m" [7 i; b9 s( BShe was a question to be answered# a4 |7 Y+ P' z/ x) K% n
And his answer is , G9 P$ \: U0 p* R& Y2 e2 G5 p. x9 C
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas3 k: I0 v& v" r' L& V9 K7 g
5 U' r: o' I* y
Below is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt5 G# L2 b) i+ I8 @3 R6 \1 |

% I' Y+ o3 `9 u4 n% n' qIt's amazing how I felt
9 ^+ B4 ^2 P( l  i$ vwhen I was with you; Z& M  \  Q0 T8 K! b7 ]4 Z% j
My heart beat so fast
; n- f& |& E2 B: tI looked at you and thought, U# _8 Y* x  K3 h/ C) G
Holy Jesus, you were so cute4 _! q0 m! f0 O8 c* p
; ~% J6 D# H  d- \: o/ Y3 R
You left me without a word
0 w/ p( k4 x& hI have nothing except my emptiness) j4 U) ~& }) [1 u& H7 I
My mood is like a cloud: r  [- N6 e0 a
How could it be dispersed?4 x6 A; Q; o: E/ z9 U

- B# z5 e9 e6 R) |2 d4 dFeelings bite my heart # U8 W1 G+ {- c) N
You are the right one I wait% {( g5 I0 `, {/ Q
In the depth of my soul+ @9 }1 t5 P9 i+ r9 R
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# }, U4 x5 B' L. A9 ~5 [" W
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" H- {0 F! G, R: D就和用中文写一次$ h& u" T# A6 ~; G
阿,我爱你$ Y) T- G9 I% _% S% V' E
你让我心跳好快
; J% L& Y$ j+ p你让我脸发热
' o* Y6 A* P6 U0 @- i+ q2 O我爱上你的大嘴唇1 ~( i, w) L) C6 {- L
XXXXX
; S+ q/ Q! f5 t5 T4 C+ [不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?) k$ h; A0 A5 z8 [& p: `

9 w- U: j6 P( F7 T$ O! f如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER; X4 _6 n3 W) h1 u9 c6 s
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 6 Z) R  h- f! |2 g6 J) V
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
  h, Z/ |; a' ]: U4 d你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 [- {5 I/ k, J, U& Q$ v就和用中文写一次
7 v* j) S) C8 {/ x! G1 ~$ G) P阿,我爱你
7 b6 g+ [- I( v/ j+ x2 V$ F: V你让我心跳好快5 M9 a9 v8 X# P, ?5 V- \0 j( Q
你让我脸发热
8 [2 g* m# w, T2 o6 ]9 s我爱上你的大嘴唇, n# h: V$ _; q) I1 |/ h
XXXXX$ U# L  a) l( ^& h5 x
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
0 C# h& W& p- W, m8 w5 ?3 d
1 v7 H2 m1 p8 {
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.3 d+ b+ ]( w. U/ U0 F6 }
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-1-24 20:43 , Processed in 0.150906 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表