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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love" o! @3 L1 o1 T/ b- T' e
# b  g( ?& i5 P) d
I fell in love with you
! L0 j! k' y0 E. j5 c$ O/ O& xAt the first week we met8 O; ]5 O2 a, }2 M9 @
  ?& |! o5 F& H$ F1 ^6 _% b( ~! e
You have charm, you have looks! e- I. b. {5 I3 t; E1 a* ?6 A
with full of pimples in face
2 E/ u, C1 h  P$ F. {8 qAs spotting sky at a summer night
! A7 m. G( h+ Y$ r4 @  V3 }- R& iThey are shining stars9 M( M, m2 q. P  K

6 M- W  A$ v+ C  A3 n6 f: tYour lip is so big
2 E; C" u, o( m8 |# X+ AAnd that’s good for a kiss# ]4 n( M! A/ ]8 r: a4 |. v
Your body is chubby
$ q+ {6 f, s6 z1 y' Q0 R" @5 z( n  PAnd that is good for sex) {: ~7 p0 |3 @( V' k
, P) D( O! {/ ?% |% H
I was deeply in love" n" Z6 H! `) f  y
Everything from you is positive
( N9 ^7 Y. n3 e: [( u) \! SYou blame me everything and everyday7 V3 j4 Y) g0 z+ I6 ]
And I think all girls sound like- p0 W1 O3 l  n) g! M' V; T

1 B( i  M6 a- K- LYou could not stand my eating' B3 z  e8 b) u
Saying no good for making funny sound
3 R% F# d: ^5 l1 r+ N, a  II think you are perfectly right$ ?  R; O8 o" q& \- R
Eating with sound is a pig* D2 [! _5 U* v& I, x- L. o
- \6 p6 {# w+ H! T  L& i
I fell in love with you # j, t$ @% f( S4 Q4 ?
Become a fool to think$ C. ~, s! {# s+ M2 w- L
All trouble things you did; u( z% r% s7 h+ J: L! t) d
And that is the price for love9 K3 _0 r' n+ [' K
7 B+ {: R' w8 X
you are deeply in love
8 P2 K6 o, z9 ?" K% n: L+ E5 jEverything from me is negative( l- O5 W. _. s' e7 D* {8 |
"My man should be like this,
" o  p: R. j0 _. @7 w! i4 Eand I am helping you to improve'
3 ]2 J7 Q5 {% Z8 G1 S0 I, Y! Q7 f6 s8 U& {5 x
You are loving me / i* }' k* A6 {
or that one in your mind?+ a% Z4 J# Z# \) @7 D/ s6 X
My mind is like a mud
+ E4 f3 r! E; ^( Scan be shaped whatever you want
: [. Y3 B* S. Z0 u8 A4 f4 e) b
; M* W- F+ \9 f) ?3 Sunfortunalety not my heart
8 Q( A# _6 t% E% a; ]/ }It is slashed by you
/ L" P) r$ }+ Land I am seriously hurt
$ T/ y. |; z0 R+ z; i) ~% o$ w9 L' W1 v: t2 a4 w
I will never love another
1 |  M! u' t$ O1 D: F/ m9 H7 OIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 9 l6 |- {6 V$ m0 \, I$ }& w
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
( l: _2 A: Z+ s9 }* D1 Z8 o

# b, v% F$ A* ~9 }* a咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
9 S1 t6 ^* T# A3 }不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, $ k4 j5 D/ F9 I$ z1 E/ E
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
3 {6 u5 i# {" A$ o4 JAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 }, E1 H& [" L- H3 [) B. _( Y  G  }# i; H. u' ?! F
with the charm,
9 l# U" Y7 G' F, awith the simles.* N% I0 m9 B2 e1 T, m6 b
I fell in love with you 7 ^. F! t+ b7 b/ G/ L; A  v
In the first sign.
9 \, w, B6 i- l3 o" fAs spotting sky at a summer
  R* k$ K: `" K$ D( G- {5 B) Y; D7 W; G
Your lip is so soft
0 z* ~1 @; `, [/ P& a* bthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
7 |- G* l1 v% iYour body is so sexy
% P: x# d2 r. D2 |) |! p' |And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.& G& c# H# t: i1 ^/ k& X

+ j  e. Y7 N! o1 r+ {7 j) s2 WI am deeply in love& q% c, S8 }3 r: r5 k. o" |" i, K
Everything from you is so charming: |; e. z4 [4 ^
although You r so picky for me
" h6 G- r9 p$ t/ {; \" MAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
9 }2 e; L  R  W; l& H' f: T; ^8 ]/ d: fBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem" \0 j4 K$ e0 g  L0 P+ u

* b1 g! M8 W# @( q9 c/ S& f
5 Z+ K$ J9 E: p3 z: [  |His hello is the end of her endings
) P& q5 q. m; k0 L  tHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle: L$ ^0 A9 Q; W* ?
His hand would be hers to hold forever
8 x$ r9 n" ?8 |. s! x8 H& b  eHis forever is simply as her smile * t4 d% F5 D) t8 x5 h
He said she was what was missing
4 C8 v3 f* J7 |- V, CShe said instantly she knew
4 K) d( T7 \: t% D. A! {; {She was a question to be answered7 x, ^- y6 @5 w+ }' D
And his answer is : U: w7 m0 w' `/ q! G
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
6 w9 k; g) c6 J& U, Y2 b. ?1 s% ]$ l- W, D
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt2 a% L) V% y' ~- O- I7 `$ k! ?
/ i6 P; ?  t" g2 Z. |
It's amazing how I felt
2 v+ l' i! B! L# }when I was with you4 Q" X1 Q, W; G9 m3 L
My heart beat so fast8 P) z& U" I! k; _% e9 k
I looked at you and thought
* a6 ]( m" N5 q8 q" s, a# L% eHoly Jesus, you were so cute. s  ]$ \$ i5 F% M2 [
; ?4 E8 W/ s# I" ]  @- Q
You left me without a word) C5 l% [- {7 U$ S! i! d# Y9 O% H# x
I have nothing except my emptiness
4 K/ {) d5 ^# C/ wMy mood is like a cloud
; W% q9 H! p7 M$ d- iHow could it be dispersed?
7 m% |  O1 Z* G; a& L3 p$ ]2 f" \$ H( t0 T
Feelings bite my heart
) r. Y# i/ J8 G+ p7 p+ |4 JYou are the right one I wait
) t" \7 l- [" o/ @2 c6 N' e5 x& AIn the depth of my soul
5 K# \% c0 F; J* m5 _" |' y/ DI will love you till I'm dead
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. e9 i/ f: B) B
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" j! {; X; f4 |* g+ t  N+ P! h/ ]
就和用中文写一次" \3 Y- d6 s9 s6 E5 }; F3 k
阿,我爱你
; @1 N4 f2 M2 g. `你让我心跳好快
2 |, n! e% f# \( w" H你让我脸发热; ]8 R( `) e6 }# ^5 s* L
我爱上你的大嘴唇- e4 ~- [$ A9 l  ~( ?/ L
XXXXX4 }9 p; h0 T" A8 Y
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
- x7 Z& A5 ^& z' A
* n; c: D9 b7 ^6 x2 X5 A如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER) Y- f0 O% k5 ]' M0 {9 B- s* [
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
" y, v  \, ]  h$ F: T闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" ]. g& F/ g* S$ E
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" x6 y6 u3 Y: u1 A# m9 m就和用中文写一次
5 n+ {# \8 a* F  u& v* m阿,我爱你
& a) q1 i7 t7 x8 o8 D你让我心跳好快( z! ^3 [3 b' `& |* [
你让我脸发热
$ V" q  }& F0 R$ ?6 j! [我爱上你的大嘴唇+ X- S  O3 [0 G" n$ \7 {( B
XXXXX; ~$ ~% j! M7 X
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

+ W: p6 R2 f7 T8 i! a
$ d' E7 `" E& p靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.: P. e" L% V1 }  V) R
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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