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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love+ L7 d$ @' |: N% d1 G" l% h% l
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I fell in love with you ! B  `) y3 g+ e3 U. M
At the first week we met
  [) L8 D& W- ?, @' }$ G* _0 Z$ c; S. A2 Y2 S* n' Q
You have charm, you have looks
6 C: R7 q* B9 K2 o2 Mwith full of pimples in face9 y' \- ^" }) {% ]
As spotting sky at a summer night$ `" k7 ~- {) m, w. f  j  d$ K
They are shining stars
1 p* C( Z4 f, Y" |, H% `; N# I" ~$ z7 f3 r
Your lip is so big* p. ^0 d/ ^; @& }" p" ^' J
And that’s good for a kiss
: |2 k+ Z. u/ N$ z% U5 u& @6 JYour body is chubby
5 j# W& L# s8 S- a/ N5 z  jAnd that is good for sex
# z5 c$ k5 s+ r( ^. M; \) v8 \& b  M; r- e$ G/ f9 d& @. R  \
I was deeply in love& n8 x& T8 w" C; m: b
Everything from you is positive1 K( \) o, [2 j% \2 D
You blame me everything and everyday% C; l/ K9 [: J' e0 x# S! A9 A
And I think all girls sound like
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. t  a: [1 R% |4 i0 Y1 Q+ r# [You could not stand my eating( s- [" n/ S; F! f3 x- g
Saying no good for making funny sound
4 f4 z& o% l4 j4 F* N) lI think you are perfectly right
% e! L# {4 o9 R0 y' O) P5 V$ i/ tEating with sound is a pig
4 ?5 y1 s0 v' [* U
6 J: I/ \% t8 B0 F, A6 \2 w! }$ |I fell in love with you ' T/ b% U5 _4 j# \4 Z5 G
Become a fool to think
1 P8 ]$ S$ s* I6 JAll trouble things you did" H9 Q" `; f, F, R* n  q
And that is the price for love
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you are deeply in love. {: L, }5 K& _# ^8 k
Everything from me is negative
: u* p3 u: `3 C( `* s0 n: c"My man should be like this,4 k' B, Z2 C# D/ L3 Y  z9 ?
and I am helping you to improve'
+ l7 u  k7 |+ ]$ N9 z/ G/ ]* m& r9 u# t
You are loving me
, `9 U  X& ~1 |  _4 Q' Y* xor that one in your mind?
, h; E* P" M3 q. Q( R2 n% |My mind is like a mud. B8 {+ _2 L& o8 \* {
can be shaped whatever you want
" T& s+ J$ `" x/ G' M5 r4 j0 Z; h: ~. J" Z5 B/ q, Q: B& G& a) [, ~
unfortunalety not my heart- v: x1 P7 ^. L1 e
It is slashed by you
2 ~8 m* L( h6 y; k$ L$ F8 Y; Z$ \" mand I am seriously hurt; o3 D# B- F( k- S+ U* B' B

1 r' o- h6 }- {* y6 M* {I will never love another 4 h0 c7 b% m% F: r* h% Y
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 # |" h: p$ y7 x# ~' O- b" Q+ x4 S3 L
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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% h! Y6 w9 m2 g1 Z8 C' k- a- \咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!% V: X- c5 N3 P- X* [1 j& v" G* f
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
3 O9 n- [; g2 e  s' Zi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
( e( b0 F1 C2 g2 @- UAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed- t" C- i4 X( o' a: S
5 \# `& f, I. O9 z
with the charm,
5 Z+ V& F: Q" [  x' c1 ]1 owith the simles.6 }( Y1 A+ d$ C$ D+ I' X
I fell in love with you 4 _9 d/ L$ E2 N
In the first sign.1 K/ W* ]% M0 G$ q% l/ L
As spotting sky at a summer - f% g9 R9 |% U

/ y8 Z3 l/ L7 w/ T. n4 `) V2 K/ oYour lip is so soft - Z8 r- O: s4 X1 V7 u, y: H3 ^( b7 B
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
  H3 i! |! {" y2 y8 A' L/ RYour body is so sexy, I! C5 F/ X; d9 z  Y6 T
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
( I6 M# i, d* q5 R. t- E3 f& D2 ]0 d' r: a1 C7 V3 A
I am deeply in love$ {' C9 {8 K2 n% a
Everything from you is so charming7 e# y+ n' e8 ^
although You r so picky for me
0 k8 x( `* S6 }- fAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.2 |% c4 ~9 r! Z) X7 z( r* e( W
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem) ^. l. G& ?/ U$ U8 V% k+ |8 G

& V! c8 N; j9 n; ^" X" I
+ U0 T, y' J& Z( GHis hello is the end of her endings
+ V) g# u# k6 jHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 B/ {; W( `" T7 u; w5 O& R1 ZHis hand would be hers to hold forever
/ U' v; O! [  H6 JHis forever is simply as her smile
* D' Y8 b+ H" P/ MHe said she was what was missing
/ }3 _2 x0 U. e2 E' x" fShe said instantly she knew
% _2 ]% D0 ^/ G0 I; ]- [: f+ Z2 xShe was a question to be answered6 P4 R/ M, T3 m& X" x8 i
And his answer is
7 [. d# u7 v: n. B. ]2 F+ w: {I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas' P4 A3 ^( v) G0 {1 e0 o# A
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
3 H) o% ]7 z- T+ y: K2 S4 H* i
1 k. A8 o! u* L8 YIt's amazing how I felt
3 ?5 P* E% `$ o8 Y) v) awhen I was with you
* k# x+ Q% i3 U8 F* T" Q* YMy heart beat so fast
) ~7 W' A4 j, k2 C6 T, J) h; nI looked at you and thought
2 P) h* r! A. I) y% Z" ?8 m: Q# T9 H) MHoly Jesus, you were so cute3 b* j! Y3 O/ B+ n- J: K
# a) M" A/ v; E
You left me without a word
7 ^; g% X8 R' k: Z- p$ z* d4 J7 z0 E1 U- mI have nothing except my emptiness1 {3 Y' y& n' Y$ q
My mood is like a cloud
" ^8 a# d. R( ^( v* BHow could it be dispersed?5 Z% M9 d/ o( O3 I8 ~) Z7 k$ P, m

9 u& f3 ^2 k  H; N4 PFeelings bite my heart
& h" q9 i  Y5 J9 L3 }: C+ p$ K5 i- bYou are the right one I wait$ d. D* J  b/ D- B% c
In the depth of my soul+ ~+ @; Y( X5 v4 J) z6 q
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; n1 ^9 Q1 i; l: u2 t你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
: }9 g8 Z- J( e$ K% w5 p- _% C. C就和用中文写一次
7 U: U( i( `# D$ @! l1 r0 Q阿,我爱你1 x6 m/ F" a2 j2 M4 I  R5 m! k
你让我心跳好快
, [, g! F' |# l你让我脸发热: R+ U6 O9 z  i. C- W
我爱上你的大嘴唇* Q( h& A+ e1 K2 r
XXXXX' Z0 ?- w9 d: k& h  k+ T4 L2 h
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
9 S$ i% b+ X  J  c, }$ u
3 B' ]' I4 g/ Z# L: V如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
& i- m/ I0 k- g! \8 {- z至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
7 s: Y4 e+ F/ n* u$ R, `闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
% U/ O" ]8 M: y. k你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, R+ v' n# \4 }2 n( k5 f$ s就和用中文写一次+ R1 D! @3 X# n* B
阿,我爱你3 U- _, t( J$ M0 ^+ [; \/ k
你让我心跳好快/ i  e% y+ {% G$ ^  f0 j$ x
你让我脸发热
) y1 n$ E/ L0 Y3 q) K! w/ h6 |: M我爱上你的大嘴唇+ B; y7 t2 g* _" \# i7 W/ N) l
XXXXX; \+ c( T3 y7 V' c" b
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

9 }, R4 B' S9 k+ s# n3 S& q, v' j( L# Y) f% d0 ^% q8 P. k
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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