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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
8 T' }3 S! o: o' f" H+ t) y6 ^
7 [8 q! h7 K  o0 F$ \I fell in love with you 9 I9 k9 ^  V' Q/ K. G3 X2 P7 d
At the first week we met
9 @; G" v, M1 X: I$ T
9 w' R( o9 _# @" F% NYou have charm, you have looks
: w; C" }# y6 ?8 L7 D9 ~( p# Z8 |with full of pimples in face
# c* X/ ~: `5 C  S8 [+ NAs spotting sky at a summer night9 Z' \5 @  @9 B
They are shining stars% ?* Q& v) f3 S, ]1 r

& k5 V" I( L, K1 ?+ P4 t3 O" p) aYour lip is so big- g: m( \% d& ?/ P" D" [
And that’s good for a kiss4 J7 m) n* B# ], ~
Your body is chubby: |" z8 K; _  Q. q: v- H
And that is good for sex
8 [7 S7 ^' m! }1 B' Y7 w
" M8 U  N% ?& R. |I was deeply in love
- [( ^4 ~/ T0 t* I. ~Everything from you is positive
4 T) |" O: c, \* A6 J2 k. x- e& nYou blame me everything and everyday
1 b* g; U5 e/ I! u) L+ dAnd I think all girls sound like
* o2 g" z; ?; w+ @5 Z1 P- K
& n; Z$ `2 C) R0 tYou could not stand my eating7 P% J+ f8 H6 ^+ N
Saying no good for making funny sound& W8 `* ]+ g: i6 N+ i
I think you are perfectly right
$ y9 e! d7 D& L: y& h  k; j9 vEating with sound is a pig7 U) Q7 U0 b; Z0 n3 T6 @7 k2 m
( L& n" G( g# A( S  s# ]8 t& k) A. H
I fell in love with you
: P* V$ H) [( Z9 a3 ^! \, N9 t9 gBecome a fool to think
. u! x9 Q1 r* A6 s# Z) bAll trouble things you did
0 m: _" R: x5 ~, `1 h" T) |' mAnd that is the price for love
( P" k' ~' @7 `
8 }, C1 O+ j, W+ f+ u0 Eyou are deeply in love
$ ^/ U6 B/ _& I# R5 _Everything from me is negative
: D8 ^* W! W( U"My man should be like this,
9 F( p  L+ h$ Y4 }( ~, {" z0 j5 Pand I am helping you to improve'
$ I4 I6 j% u0 d) M0 h# @0 g
$ K$ b  F  o1 Q+ T* e& _You are loving me
2 x0 x) e: B; [. x& F$ R! t& Aor that one in your mind?
9 U8 ^% {; P! {: J& m% a- ZMy mind is like a mud; b3 h. j! w; f: N  I
can be shaped whatever you want
6 G" f/ p* S% s# G0 }& l* u& y" _4 O+ \8 z! o5 w& x
unfortunalety not my heart, F* ^4 B# \2 t9 s& i, g0 D
It is slashed by you % N4 ~7 m3 c: z
and I am seriously hurt3 F; j/ f7 w9 s. O5 m1 v
( X$ J' m) ]. o' x4 K
I will never love another % I$ x/ h+ K' X
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
- l5 Z' h% z2 g3 ]6 omy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! K4 s1 i% W5 X
" P3 S3 ]4 E3 E1 |2 N4 ~. Q% o咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!! _3 U# Z* W6 j$ w# l' p
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, $ f  X& x% C8 T1 \  W+ T! s7 ^2 j% }! w
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
* B- f0 ^/ V3 V. l0 j0 L, l' [And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed% @; d4 `" u2 c" X/ w' k) k+ l

" r1 \0 z( w6 C) A( T4 cwith the charm,
2 ^' V8 L: |1 V* g5 X9 Kwith the simles., q* D$ q6 T0 S6 y' g' p
I fell in love with you
4 y3 X, x3 Y7 x' i- O; J0 L6 _* q/ ~In the first sign.
: C- l% M- c0 G+ u' {As spotting sky at a summer
0 ?, n% p( t9 m7 z* j- h% ?  X7 s+ a
2 a7 P& W0 N: `, O1 o8 qYour lip is so soft 9 d/ F3 Z$ Z  ^" y/ q: Z8 H
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
- G* S- k8 r, b* IYour body is so sexy" R$ k/ R; e" h
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u., O+ e4 I2 y6 y1 }/ C! `

% B5 @( i7 s' r6 t$ ]; U( BI am deeply in love
/ C7 J6 C6 v9 I) c0 ~Everything from you is so charming5 }& h+ T5 H6 Z3 R6 [6 V
although You r so picky for me
. {; T: z& b4 d1 U0 [  ]7 M! MAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
1 e' |* k9 ?: M. W+ yBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem) g7 e! p* K. k! ?; e

4 r8 i7 o  ^4 S, G& c7 g0 W
' L2 N/ L# Q7 @2 d, dHis hello is the end of her endings+ c# u5 r" f5 l$ v9 q- M
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
9 m% Z+ Z3 ~6 d& j. SHis hand would be hers to hold forever
" u# J- {& H/ i& ZHis forever is simply as her smile 6 S# L# p# F# t# f
He said she was what was missing
8 U$ p; U1 V+ K2 EShe said instantly she knew5 C! i" i+ P- Y! m
She was a question to be answered
: q! A8 l' f+ R% S0 }And his answer is 7 c; R4 K6 [% [, B
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas3 B7 O- d$ v3 E, `1 V( p
) I9 _; K7 G+ T
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt1 _! t9 C' w0 |  [9 r" q

' t6 m2 w( y/ @# {" g! PIt's amazing how I felt
! R. N$ H3 x) s9 r, t/ g" nwhen I was with you; G. Y% Y* r6 @  W
My heart beat so fast
, g5 }1 U" x/ }  N8 O* {) ZI looked at you and thought
' A2 e, l2 M; ~. o  VHoly Jesus, you were so cute
& {& z$ e* f, o4 |) x$ Y4 Y2 D8 |+ K, ^' x8 y8 e1 G+ E' m; l
You left me without a word. j; k+ K$ j! U, s2 }/ A$ V! G2 v
I have nothing except my emptiness3 r2 g0 [0 T  Q
My mood is like a cloud
: O  E$ {: _9 G2 u5 J# _% ^How could it be dispersed?
' n  p% h. l+ q' A. Q9 a! @2 N  w( [! B
Feelings bite my heart
. H& A5 B$ g0 ^& \! ]. B2 ]You are the right one I wait
; o0 d- o; |, J  D4 o# m7 D* d3 hIn the depth of my soul( B0 B* q- U. [# W
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美) r8 k7 s8 |6 |2 O1 w9 U# b
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道& P) X$ S# _) Z" C0 R# _
就和用中文写一次$ X3 k. d1 a3 N  v
阿,我爱你4 F( }; v9 Q! R$ F2 I
你让我心跳好快
/ L* R) C$ J5 X/ O( n/ o你让我脸发热* l- T, B% f" }3 ]
我爱上你的大嘴唇. l* D3 A5 O, ^$ F: I) I: W5 s
XXXXX
; @( e2 ~$ p4 ?% ~/ v0 Y( s5 c3 _不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
: Y5 S$ e7 i  R, c8 F4 b! v% p6 U: Y" a! e/ {2 l/ s
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
. ~$ O6 U" C' a# h" c至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 5 Y: k/ T9 A/ r9 R9 a
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美0 y7 s5 M& ^; `- O
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
& t0 c. c* S5 r' a7 i' o  l就和用中文写一次
9 v4 B2 a' X# v& b9 G; F$ D* m. B阿,我爱你
- a- ?) d" s0 A9 q你让我心跳好快1 H9 Q& ?/ u/ [" N7 d! o$ D
你让我脸发热6 [4 N8 l, j  c0 I! [
我爱上你的大嘴唇( J7 Z" d% s5 v' M0 P3 B& {
XXXXX
9 r" k/ C! X- k  p1 I不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

8 Y6 n7 i, n4 T7 p5 u+ w4 G$ a4 E. t. g4 t
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.' p( v0 c7 O4 c0 `# s9 S1 V
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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