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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love9 y" u, _% l! J0 ~; C

3 F5 \+ a7 B/ J+ g  gI fell in love with you + o0 ^" ]  x6 a. }$ T4 X
At the first week we met
& O! T' }0 V" V3 A* n' h  o- W
" Y0 H) p5 g2 q6 M1 @# N* aYou have charm, you have looks7 U: x: L8 q$ @+ Y* t5 o$ P# k7 v
with full of pimples in face
& Q& d! q0 v5 D3 L9 s& sAs spotting sky at a summer night" x. |% O% O$ u0 J+ y7 f0 F& K5 T4 x/ x
They are shining stars
+ k) f( r$ g. ?* C' y
2 r7 o! z. M: c* c6 {' [Your lip is so big# W7 E; r9 N  d8 y
And that’s good for a kiss' B: P+ X) l( o7 ~% a
Your body is chubby/ U; b4 `4 V) p2 F; M& `' k. V
And that is good for sex
. a4 n) N! w+ J  [* D4 }# l, i3 O# A& R/ z
& o; k4 ]* W' P# e& r, eI was deeply in love9 ^) G* m5 H7 S) Y/ l
Everything from you is positive
: e( L3 {8 a% N& f7 pYou blame me everything and everyday
: H# W. N* d/ c# z+ ~* f$ sAnd I think all girls sound like8 d0 j3 E! g: S' T( E6 {3 Y3 H
& u; ~2 P: c. m" t  [" M4 R4 W
You could not stand my eating& d7 X, p4 H1 Q' u
Saying no good for making funny sound
, F6 I" ~9 ]3 P' H% uI think you are perfectly right
4 f  ^/ f0 S) B% q7 p# r& b5 hEating with sound is a pig
$ s$ ^9 ^) c3 h( _: b7 S* t* a/ J* \# G  B6 w: N. a- ~
I fell in love with you
8 H/ F4 q1 Q4 S& C' ]& {Become a fool to think- i6 H5 x- X/ W8 o2 p9 B2 V
All trouble things you did9 J1 l: N/ R' K5 F8 `
And that is the price for love. K& H( E9 u3 ]8 w! R% @9 Q5 Q
( t# b7 q5 F) o$ K- ], r
you are deeply in love+ q! v9 I9 v+ m! t- r
Everything from me is negative  {4 F! X4 m' [/ y0 l8 T2 I9 C) j% b
"My man should be like this,
0 s* E3 i) i3 n* ]; Kand I am helping you to improve'" p7 ~' ~' A: z( e

% q# O' z" l; t, gYou are loving me , t% i# t5 D, ?+ M* o$ T; P0 g& k
or that one in your mind?& y9 Y! B: J% S% M+ z
My mind is like a mud
# c7 Q) N8 D% i- N+ v* s1 g5 }/ R, Zcan be shaped whatever you want
9 H0 ^5 G9 c( H* Y- w( C4 E, p0 C& x
unfortunalety not my heart$ L0 d2 J* ~; }; @$ _
It is slashed by you . p* _. I2 ^9 \; ~
and I am seriously hurt
4 ^6 ~' N6 ^+ |, _; t  Q
" U7 m/ G9 t+ r: ?0 oI will never love another
9 T7 m* j9 T& J$ [! g8 i% \: \If my heart can be fixed
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鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 7 h4 \8 X' V) V
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

2 W' C  Y3 j. q: J. X, T
4 Q9 D9 d' ^( E0 A1 b! M3 i. M$ Q9 ^咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!; I# C; o' ~3 O
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, * J: a  w" J9 Z& O1 O( y& O
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.5 B' i; h# u4 s' K# P0 S9 |8 x
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed) Y3 z7 ]) _5 \  {4 E
$ C  Q8 B9 V, _/ x% J! h3 d
with the charm,
& L7 g8 z  a9 K2 C) rwith the simles.
( ?% }7 G4 G8 I' P9 I: ~$ _- o8 H6 ZI fell in love with you 1 s, I# E! L: o
In the first sign.
5 }& X' d2 ?# E$ B$ g" ^/ eAs spotting sky at a summer * p$ s4 A8 l' D0 U
: ?" K1 T" V+ @. m% K
Your lip is so soft & a! l8 f2 |8 P9 b- ^2 |1 r
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss7 |8 [7 r- `- g7 v8 m# N
Your body is so sexy
4 [; M% I8 Q: A) Q( U& I+ SAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.% t$ o4 u! w: i+ D- l
$ u' l/ v; _8 k9 h0 [9 M- v
I am deeply in love
; ?2 T: m/ D6 _4 b0 tEverything from you is so charming% {0 R# m7 d' u$ _( l2 y
although You r so picky for me ! j. W  h8 f. L8 d) f
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2., L& f' K. U( d5 c+ }0 J
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem# b- Q' E9 m! |' ^1 |( j5 J

6 F& b9 D5 I( X1 @6 H7 H$ `
$ o6 `  S6 q- {. x# ~His hello is the end of her endings
' H; o  i9 {  }' P0 C) S# JHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
! }2 |4 V: L& T) E% Q  UHis hand would be hers to hold forever. r4 t/ d3 p! j2 q: Y6 f: ~
His forever is simply as her smile . N( v4 {( T9 L* L
He said she was what was missing
, ^* `5 ^# T, z. X, RShe said instantly she knew
( D1 V0 R1 j$ y0 G/ L/ l1 lShe was a question to be answered+ L% f& K4 y9 E0 ?
And his answer is 8 A) A* S/ i2 @! P% D3 L$ f% A
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ [4 Y( T$ E& I: _" L7 }3 N' T/ r0 ^
' O6 a# W* d& R8 e. ABelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt- X; K' t( M. L& ~7 k! }
9 q5 G4 v& [# l: \+ F* Q
It's amazing how I felt : _  ~. t9 [1 A2 T8 F
when I was with you- b: Y4 |$ N8 B9 ~2 k1 o9 y
My heart beat so fast
* @* T/ I  n6 oI looked at you and thought
) n, x0 v9 |/ j/ g+ K$ a, c# {Holy Jesus, you were so cute; \9 J% r/ b5 p4 S8 ~# Z6 {
: m4 u# p$ U7 i" z0 w
You left me without a word9 y! {# c5 H3 n4 Y% Q
I have nothing except my emptiness
2 ?: K7 y; p: w" R1 w9 mMy mood is like a cloud
+ f4 j( h2 \6 f, UHow could it be dispersed?
' E+ v; L0 X! G, H3 G9 }& y. Z2 ?, W; l8 \" I
Feelings bite my heart * B8 }1 t, V6 p4 K
You are the right one I wait) ]4 }  G4 q( e6 q; \  v
In the depth of my soul
) K* c' N4 K& P6 |0 _I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ b+ d" u/ z) O! A你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
7 n! h% @9 J/ R9 h  J. U就和用中文写一次
' C/ K$ A) o, u' n/ x4 T! f6 a阿,我爱你
9 B5 y1 t0 _! ^6 O7 R你让我心跳好快7 p4 O: k1 o  z. y
你让我脸发热1 r+ ~# U+ u$ s3 Z' n
我爱上你的大嘴唇% u; c" D7 V  w7 I3 _
XXXXX; V3 T, k' C' ^9 o, `0 g
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
6 A9 P) J% @& C' ^9 G) r' ?) \( [% l  b7 o  |9 y, b
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
& O& p$ C* ?/ H& Y2 x至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - v$ O. k8 S( O+ ]# R
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美1 M9 j5 z  x3 ^
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
  a* e3 j+ {; k( b就和用中文写一次
2 x; m# L3 o, r阿,我爱你
, }# w7 F: Y7 U你让我心跳好快* u, {3 |: [9 Z$ ^' o* {
你让我脸发热; P! Y9 ]8 S( }
我爱上你的大嘴唇
* R9 a! p+ E- c" YXXXXX( y' d3 H, `/ V1 e  n& c
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
+ V2 H1 Y; O( {7 I- q! J  k

! k& u1 X0 I2 [% N靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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