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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love) n; @, k, L( P. E
4 q# e! k! F! O2 l: w6 X7 H
I fell in love with you
% j" a: c; a) I# t5 ^; U! dAt the first week we met, p, @* U. k, ~: |+ l+ e7 ~) m! p
3 H: r/ \1 L# h) Q( {( ^8 }* C% @
You have charm, you have looks
1 Z) t8 A, A2 e$ @8 h; }% lwith full of pimples in face" C/ X% J' [- S/ s( o4 D
As spotting sky at a summer night
9 h  P" V* z% A! `, X! VThey are shining stars
' k& m! w$ `0 y2 E: [( d) o3 b3 V- u+ d+ k* F* l$ V! b, X8 C
Your lip is so big
/ r) l8 y$ S1 t4 X! a' P: T( |% S2 AAnd that’s good for a kiss7 a2 o4 W0 P) v" S9 k6 I( D5 {6 b8 f* V
Your body is chubby
3 J' ]) V7 T# S1 i* ]# {And that is good for sex8 F0 F( O* M2 R4 w# y8 I+ v

: b1 L  p' j0 X2 gI was deeply in love7 U. A; J: C$ L1 P& W  f
Everything from you is positive: ^: Y/ n+ q( a
You blame me everything and everyday9 h+ p( ]; x$ w1 a2 w) Y9 w4 O
And I think all girls sound like
0 K$ l9 G0 X8 ~1 {0 t& s. u5 L* `2 `" w; z" {
You could not stand my eating4 f8 B8 i3 r% Z8 k8 }6 a
Saying no good for making funny sound0 y* H4 q' G3 i, R9 t
I think you are perfectly right8 _( S& D2 `$ W/ C, F7 F* I
Eating with sound is a pig
# }+ N/ _( r) S4 g- P$ K
* I: T- o  ]& H6 gI fell in love with you 4 z6 _% B  [4 Y
Become a fool to think
; J, `6 @3 B) T/ o1 O/ O* ~All trouble things you did
- Y: ~* N7 z9 L& _# D( iAnd that is the price for love
: z+ h' P9 h: c# f
2 k7 p8 k  G0 ]; I# K  Vyou are deeply in love
2 s* r( G. b. \, \+ d+ jEverything from me is negative
- M! j! O, H  o: Q"My man should be like this,
3 V% P* }) b+ ]1 N3 H  y: L+ _& }/ cand I am helping you to improve'
+ X) ]% ^) X: {! i/ y
3 v6 f; e; w* M& D( VYou are loving me
9 N- m6 @2 e4 I' y! T8 Qor that one in your mind?# Z, V1 q2 `, i* F1 h9 H
My mind is like a mud- A* G/ U9 t# B! U6 l
can be shaped whatever you want+ T2 Z1 C# W  t( ^) I& C
+ w  W4 O/ |" z! _7 V! z$ J3 H7 Z
unfortunalety not my heart
* L' ^5 w5 N3 UIt is slashed by you 8 E' e/ B* S  `
and I am seriously hurt  a7 V* o6 l/ q8 {8 T" u; X
  l/ r: W4 q) V9 h
I will never love another
2 s/ Y" s( U7 x- `, LIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
+ G' a5 e" V& T1 r7 Fmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
4 M+ d, l1 C, n% p4 [

3 ^* h; w" g. x2 h" n8 J; B咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 o, p9 @; ?  P) J; p* M3 O5 S6 G不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
* h/ g( k8 w* s, R# b3 X9 Ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
3 U7 F, M) D9 x7 uAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed4 K2 ^4 Y, X+ V* {" V' |
8 u( ^1 N+ W1 ~; p! f, w, l5 l
with the charm,( T1 }$ R/ V% b4 f
with the simles.
+ H* @# P9 b" V# ^I fell in love with you ' F/ ]. \7 c& j" d6 Q
In the first sign.( p, d2 }- O5 P% `7 Y/ s: P
As spotting sky at a summer
3 n! n; F- Y! ^! s' N4 {# [8 j' e% {. N4 ]1 z
Your lip is so soft
6 \8 c% Q5 E/ s5 G7 ~4 L9 Dthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss# v' o- M9 r. q' z1 T9 H
Your body is so sexy+ [: d2 {6 T; n1 P% `" L
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.% i" F. e& b9 B3 h) n) |/ i
3 Z8 r2 B8 U9 j. t* `4 @" B7 R1 W
I am deeply in love
! W) y  y8 V" ^Everything from you is so charming
2 w  y2 I2 M- |1 talthough You r so picky for me ; T* U5 n# e. I. z
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
. l9 j/ X5 u" t2 q1 B" B9 _But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem  z/ _5 Z$ o+ L7 c* B. F2 t! X6 y

! {7 q; M( \! p
' z5 s$ j2 g& _0 ]* K) RHis hello is the end of her endings) c, {3 s; B& A  |, s- `, d( N
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle' o$ P7 f. m+ g" k  o
His hand would be hers to hold forever
' Z: r# F( o9 e- h! FHis forever is simply as her smile
0 W" T3 t) V, d; Q9 v5 jHe said she was what was missing
: Q" l" B. j- H* _9 n: @She said instantly she knew* m$ k6 f" k* a( q
She was a question to be answered
1 S9 K, N4 [! C6 ~And his answer is
1 [/ r* {+ Z9 S. _I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas$ z+ h1 h  l# K& U
+ r, H- d* u( |( ]4 k$ g
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
* P. d0 l0 Z2 [
% q9 z2 B( E* hIt's amazing how I felt
9 _6 y* O6 K4 Ewhen I was with you! s- \6 [' i4 [3 P9 }
My heart beat so fast
0 @" d; |; l: Y# HI looked at you and thought
7 ?2 p3 u+ F: @& p( }+ X; m! KHoly Jesus, you were so cute
9 P2 |- k. ~' g# J7 {% h6 F2 Z4 y3 g  A( R2 t+ J
You left me without a word! r, D9 |: V1 p! f! J: m
I have nothing except my emptiness
: K# \+ q7 G, g3 a4 dMy mood is like a cloud4 s; P4 L5 S+ \, F2 T8 }* R8 t
How could it be dispersed?, s2 t( ~1 S5 d. m2 Q5 U
: T6 n$ I7 [$ Y# N
Feelings bite my heart
$ s( D/ H) \  B; |, [You are the right one I wait/ C. t( J2 M1 G3 S; q, ~
In the depth of my soul* Y( M5 P4 d, F- g
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美% ~7 b# W$ B* G& T0 k+ F
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道8 W7 x2 |& ?  S
就和用中文写一次/ w3 u& o& \+ l9 K4 |! P
阿,我爱你" {7 G' W0 |' G* g0 u$ m3 o0 ?9 Z
你让我心跳好快
+ I$ A& W5 m" F  }; C你让我脸发热! q% g- {4 E2 ?. W! A; t
我爱上你的大嘴唇
3 @: C. [$ C% w. wXXXXX" k( N+ H+ S9 r5 y/ F# y
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 P  D$ `1 p* _) {4 ?3 I" P
- Z; M6 }" N9 Q- _如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER! Y! s9 O- ~# q, J
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
' ~2 g' c/ t0 [3 s1 ]2 j闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; B5 R/ p1 Q" O( v你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
3 M- M" ~) e. h就和用中文写一次: u; U: x8 Z. \. O- X
阿,我爱你9 V9 O& m) T1 l8 y: f2 l
你让我心跳好快1 _7 m# Q, I  ]2 |' v4 j
你让我脸发热$ q$ ~2 u2 C# K* }) G, b
我爱上你的大嘴唇1 s. K5 C4 O, F! I
XXXXX. l9 K% ], o  j' |# C' h$ ?
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
8 j8 \5 E  Z0 N8 H! C% @
$ D4 N0 g5 C7 e9 }% {9 a
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
大型搬家
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
  J9 @$ E2 S  _& a" Q* \
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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