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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
! ]$ d* Y2 L) M
) ]# I; v8 u2 s6 ^/ ^" l% ^; M2 OI fell in love with you
3 _  U" T. G7 ^$ n0 D; S6 K9 S5 nAt the first week we met& b9 H  g; K( _! y" T2 d

8 ?  `$ C4 S) Z  I' sYou have charm, you have looks
0 |6 f2 r) H% |with full of pimples in face/ D4 m' M9 V: Z
As spotting sky at a summer night5 A2 W1 U. J; |  ]2 M0 a  e
They are shining stars
2 C: T) e: T5 ~3 V/ C5 S8 ~& F. w
# ?7 `# n3 m8 T2 J" w( A1 GYour lip is so big6 C( {- a/ b# Q- {+ p
And that’s good for a kiss
* b; E$ U' [0 gYour body is chubby
1 D# |7 \* v' L1 b5 b4 ?And that is good for sex7 ]8 i1 G, Q1 }; K

5 @4 m, ]9 e' ~1 v; k) R$ w* @! ]I was deeply in love
) F& G1 |' J* X2 d0 O2 E) VEverything from you is positive# Y8 L/ ?% E0 R1 n0 N6 J, t
You blame me everything and everyday; h6 [- H4 s) q/ l! t& ?
And I think all girls sound like8 c5 [- X) n0 G/ s
* ~; E: [- V; L( b+ B8 x% c/ R/ t
You could not stand my eating
+ l" t& u* k0 _# A' H; L8 T# xSaying no good for making funny sound
5 O9 x. ]) d$ U3 F1 \2 MI think you are perfectly right
: F- t" N( z4 g4 ^( L0 w* REating with sound is a pig
+ x+ e# e& p4 S6 `: P' z) z5 u% y% \8 F3 }  Q' K4 U
I fell in love with you
$ k$ Y4 N; P2 _$ \) X# x' ~Become a fool to think
% F& p8 W7 S, c2 v; _All trouble things you did6 G  a* `, ^+ j3 p- V# B
And that is the price for love
& t2 {! m! O3 R7 f+ Y+ y: C/ Q9 ]% C: g. W/ K' t8 A+ E: ^* X
you are deeply in love4 j( [) g# O% k/ d& j) C
Everything from me is negative. l  W3 Q' [, N1 b3 [; [! h
"My man should be like this,
' g) `* k5 T8 cand I am helping you to improve'$ S& y- {6 {$ j( ?
: G$ `5 m8 z& w
You are loving me
% b9 n# I+ q" ]2 Y; Wor that one in your mind?
4 k+ C5 Z, ^" X' ]! v/ @My mind is like a mud0 \4 S1 ]0 ?7 a9 n
can be shaped whatever you want
6 w( U( J2 \! z- F/ c4 }" \/ p, w6 T& q4 k- p& ~9 I3 Z  J
unfortunalety not my heart
& D. U/ _4 n) f2 d7 @" dIt is slashed by you 5 {% V# l# h" a) s+ ], F
and I am seriously hurt
1 M/ G" t/ H# k6 h* a, C" J( v% P5 M% X& V/ U
I will never love another
' R7 W8 y6 c% x& _If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 8 k" e& C- g5 ~# S3 d" w
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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! Z& m1 a3 T0 ~咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
, J. I! d. {/ L+ r& {$ y不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
5 r+ [" N8 L0 Ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.# p  u$ l' I) o
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
/ g( n; B4 O! `3 S3 g' Z
; {" }( P0 A& N( ~with the charm,8 w2 M" g' n$ \" }4 t. V
with the simles.
, J, i0 `6 }3 ?! A/ KI fell in love with you
& y, m# v9 d3 {- y+ X& m" a& aIn the first sign.7 V; R9 G8 W4 I7 m3 U
As spotting sky at a summer 6 Y7 z, z& n3 j9 ~0 T  ~
+ \2 y. }3 p. o/ k
Your lip is so soft 7 l$ {+ m7 x- \0 Z0 C
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss9 k, s8 O- H$ z" d1 ?' m
Your body is so sexy9 e' j( E- b  i& F$ F, Z
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
( V4 t. \- u( f
8 |, K* p0 e: I: r/ Z2 K$ VI am deeply in love; |1 u2 x1 L1 ?( Q3 J$ q6 t. \
Everything from you is so charming
. K, Z% v3 g! Y0 U' f6 m* oalthough You r so picky for me
7 ?5 Z. \- X' J. ~; vAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.% p0 `: T: u7 C5 X. k# R
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem8 {- R7 |& i. e! p! ]

  W9 }: t( n2 k/ f1 H  }* k$ s# Z
  Z. F. }, C. y2 @6 E+ z, UHis hello is the end of her endings% L6 v4 N3 [' @( o1 [$ e
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ t: C$ t4 R  X2 k+ xHis hand would be hers to hold forever8 k: M( u  @6 B3 V8 D0 {6 I0 z
His forever is simply as her smile 1 _: G4 {2 S6 u
He said she was what was missing
$ F2 ~" j! w$ S( f5 YShe said instantly she knew' w  j3 w) N0 a2 k! e8 W
She was a question to be answered
) w$ m0 o7 `, O& g2 R8 `And his answer is / C6 C) t, J  N! q
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
9 {4 B+ N+ R/ B2 b5 m& D/ S! j! O# [0 R& `$ ]; V
It's amazing how I felt ) {# C  Q9 v0 e, M  C3 p
when I was with you/ l* n' }) u9 L+ ?
My heart beat so fast
" r  }  u$ R3 D7 BI looked at you and thought
$ u' i1 K* O) h4 rHoly Jesus, you were so cute
, P2 t/ ~2 ?: b* \2 ^; @* S# [
# i% m0 b4 ^! JYou left me without a word" y: n2 B" y) U- |7 m1 W
I have nothing except my emptiness. z" d, N1 E7 f8 U, {1 k
My mood is like a cloud
( L: X% ]! u" P' r' x2 F/ A. s. rHow could it be dispersed?; G( g" W7 i. h% x' |  a- i

) M7 k6 X6 u# i4 [2 U2 P7 g" BFeelings bite my heart 0 Q  ?; I: R& g$ o' K( ]2 h
You are the right one I wait
, b- C# W4 C+ o" g, C6 c( _- EIn the depth of my soul
: J4 [2 V. w# J" m% A! s. BI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美, W  i$ r! M& d  |
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! n# e5 N% X9 i4 o; G9 S就和用中文写一次' B1 Y; X! U  r/ A* v9 X
阿,我爱你4 H8 y7 c8 J# Z8 `* e
你让我心跳好快7 T" _6 }8 o( ?* n1 J6 l0 v
你让我脸发热! j/ C  c/ n& g1 m
我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 l0 Q7 Q# z+ N; E, E' X" FXXXXX8 r7 o! K3 G8 P. P- y8 P
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?: m8 A( b1 M& r2 r2 v- O
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如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER* C2 D9 Q; h$ R' k/ c2 @
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 # [* u9 q+ w. t6 }
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
3 d1 x6 N" b; o  v# J0 o你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* Y  _/ o9 ]* Q) P就和用中文写一次/ _( |# ?! [" W  Q
阿,我爱你6 K4 P* _6 ^# Q: P. u( Y: _
你让我心跳好快
" _9 G, L* t- L2 \1 s你让我脸发热
. D3 I5 r& G7 m: E+ v# f我爱上你的大嘴唇6 c: a2 P' W% d8 O# u
XXXXX$ A# o3 @- [# T( }+ H! C
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
( x/ |9 }. W: o4 b

6 Y% z! B. f  i' A+ i靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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