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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
( N1 O% P& I- s7 {& n
! ~& d% b3 g! kI fell in love with you : w+ {& ?+ d$ k9 S5 G! i2 K
At the first week we met0 }' o: E( ~9 o% R% s. n3 v8 v
- x2 s' e7 z1 u* ~2 j& t+ V
You have charm, you have looks4 I3 l' P/ A2 E, o* ^7 h$ z& M% O5 r
with full of pimples in face- f+ E3 P1 g9 k0 m
As spotting sky at a summer night( _; h- m  ^: k+ c3 W+ @* i. U
They are shining stars
. c  `* {7 |. v2 {" e( C) d
  ^! {) a2 q  I6 W: q- dYour lip is so big, }; i0 ]0 @; W; j
And that’s good for a kiss
5 r7 Y4 F0 _" V/ LYour body is chubby" p1 r: o4 O/ a
And that is good for sex/ @1 n+ r$ `) i" b% r* v

! F+ s. W! }: ^! @6 k0 AI was deeply in love! i# D- v8 ~2 P+ c7 |5 F+ @
Everything from you is positive6 y- j5 e, h- c" v8 }
You blame me everything and everyday
# e6 t3 J' J0 w% o- a+ @And I think all girls sound like
* Y2 c: p9 U0 J
2 @5 f5 k+ W3 f7 m) BYou could not stand my eating  N9 h, M& z+ K% P( T& Z" l7 U
Saying no good for making funny sound
. O, P* m* P1 AI think you are perfectly right1 k4 P/ a3 C6 r$ n9 D
Eating with sound is a pig
( o8 Z; J1 ]8 ]! M/ d% y  o, S! A$ {: V6 }4 l
I fell in love with you + h- z. R: [$ I  N
Become a fool to think
  {. t. n: T4 j$ s% h! {All trouble things you did' Z% P" W2 B; J0 n) O
And that is the price for love& ^0 Z$ A* t& @. `. q4 a
1 f5 C) r9 E& \
you are deeply in love
; U! O& A" k9 Q8 [+ |Everything from me is negative* o1 u. y0 V. ?7 h+ i9 M% W( E2 ^
"My man should be like this,
4 M% m0 T. c) p' {6 M/ G4 K  a. X; Gand I am helping you to improve'0 N9 g' f$ U2 @4 P; |; q  h1 E
6 U& `9 w; d. |
You are loving me % J3 _+ E$ R4 @
or that one in your mind?
: i2 u2 W: E3 X4 D- b4 D1 Y* B2 LMy mind is like a mud2 ~! G4 n" ~: q1 h& s0 X
can be shaped whatever you want
3 g3 @. I$ }3 I/ c
2 `/ C" S8 C( |unfortunalety not my heart+ H5 e8 D7 h! u
It is slashed by you , g1 C- ]0 B1 F# K' D
and I am seriously hurt
% B/ e; t) ^& Z+ h/ K7 R3 `1 Y6 x7 b% p0 Z. @2 `3 o
I will never love another ' F) E8 B- |2 @+ c4 m
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
  Y1 I+ d! w+ f9 T: d! jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% d( J& g( c# C+ ]1 j+ K0 X# F3 g2 p; q/ `3 g9 }
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
- U+ }$ F) O+ w3 J0 L不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
$ u1 t1 D% C2 Q: G8 M& b' v0 Vi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.' V' N1 H9 `( w" W) o3 ]. a5 h
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
) _4 b- F9 x; Q2 b3 d0 H3 u) Q; ~! v/ ?! g4 M
with the charm,
& n$ h3 z8 G7 A. ]/ y2 owith the simles.& `- ^% n7 j. i6 K% Q  @/ Q3 ]
I fell in love with you
# a* e" _0 a5 |3 F1 I$ iIn the first sign.
* F4 w2 B0 R6 W1 lAs spotting sky at a summer
; ^  A" u7 `$ q. e) e% Q, ~* `; n, W4 T
Your lip is so soft 3 e% Z9 |$ z1 c: b; R
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss& ^2 P- F* I, ^* h
Your body is so sexy
( O1 N* W4 @! b8 V- i, zAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.  S! g2 Y2 R  q0 T

! v2 ~8 V6 t, ?: a* x- w  nI am deeply in love
& t- n$ f8 w% I, J' ]: {! ^Everything from you is so charming: Y: T0 a: m! c" s$ ~$ ?' g+ {( T7 H
although You r so picky for me
6 m$ O- n9 U! i$ E: rAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.2 {4 x: x. D) k( A+ j' M6 k( b
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem5 H7 |8 F: S" l5 q; n
; f5 J: c& D2 x& K8 `9 C5 C# w+ y

7 G" O) K8 Q4 f  |  o0 rHis hello is the end of her endings
6 C3 c# _+ G; ]  b3 K" eHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle9 T! \* K* F3 q" ~5 t7 a0 w
His hand would be hers to hold forever
1 n  o+ A: D2 D' l0 tHis forever is simply as her smile
% E+ W( u: y9 n3 z. AHe said she was what was missing
; J8 U) ]* o- a+ XShe said instantly she knew
& s; a& N4 t; c0 u8 gShe was a question to be answered
: t0 P7 Y# T5 B! b: \And his answer is
" f& L' Z2 \( v- T5 Q) CI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt1 G1 {" v3 h- T% n" h/ c

* Y+ |+ D3 R( e" u, ZIt's amazing how I felt + P& w1 b5 X" K1 |# T
when I was with you2 ]" o; p. V- K( I! c
My heart beat so fast
+ y! R& J4 T1 T9 h5 O* yI looked at you and thought
, U- N  m+ I- gHoly Jesus, you were so cute" X2 G5 A2 `7 J; L+ u9 v3 r2 k: z
. W2 d5 V/ ^$ n  A, Y. \
You left me without a word( |) e' S$ y% k4 k, c7 t5 [7 Z6 H+ Y
I have nothing except my emptiness& ]7 A, m  [: S" s: o* q1 G! ^% }, B
My mood is like a cloud
' U/ h: H" l* a& {How could it be dispersed?. v# z6 J! J! S6 i
' J/ u4 t- _" x+ e+ G/ F! g* ?
Feelings bite my heart
0 n6 s) {4 X+ J3 ^, k' v, lYou are the right one I wait5 @, P% S2 X% T- b
In the depth of my soul
$ u. w8 E' ]' MI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美0 X, r" R  M. a, |, Q- }4 L
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道. K/ ^+ }6 j0 q! s+ x+ ~. Q
就和用中文写一次1 L; ?& f" _' p4 [4 r) b  Y+ T
阿,我爱你
" Q2 P& O0 M' o你让我心跳好快  [( ^: F# p0 |" H
你让我脸发热" w- t, N7 ]; m; f
我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 C3 a3 ]# S! EXXXXX3 T( f: X( r' \# d3 L" {8 U3 v
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?2 _: _* T& c3 m' h

$ y  \8 c3 F" X0 ?/ O* Y如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
0 e/ b5 ~- A7 ~% m% s- X至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
- w: K) m- o' B7 s闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美: M. X' y4 m5 j/ t
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 M5 f# K! ]% \% u就和用中文写一次
6 j6 I9 v' Q3 S. z$ W阿,我爱你' |0 Y; u/ [) h0 C3 G% r
你让我心跳好快
" ?0 ?" A. l0 c4 j: d, {) E你让我脸发热
6 r. I1 Z$ q1 ]% g1 Y) \我爱上你的大嘴唇( \" Y/ |& n: q. |7 m7 W& v
XXXXX
  S% O( S9 `$ a1 f, E5 K不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

* R; n7 b8 T) p8 V7 a4 Q  S
4 R  \! }- N# Z) o& V靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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