我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
* Y7 _1 p) i8 h2 ]
; Q: P  U* H- @+ E4 p; h2 ?I fell in love with you
0 Q* S$ o% q; `& @& _At the first week we met
+ f0 `& U+ ], K# q: x, f1 r
You have charm, you have looks
' y; _. N0 X2 {7 Bwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
' {$ j7 D% [. n8 {. DThey are shining stars
; Z- t9 n/ S" @1 S# Y0 B
Your lip is so big
# v, s9 s' p( R' C/ m2 }8 aAnd that’s good for a kiss
( [, V  G; l' N  e1 G4 \Your body is chubby
+ [: p; p, w2 T5 _5 S& ~% xAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
% v8 B; T. q0 }' I2 }3 f9 o' XEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
4 `2 A  c+ G6 A+ m, G  jAnd I think all girls sound like
4 o3 m% x3 A: P" v- h8 Z
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
, n. ?' t( K$ R( C& i$ ^0 lI think you are perfectly right
  N5 j9 w$ c5 @Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
6 e* K/ g9 c. t' R. l- OAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
8 T; o& v# ^# b+ l/ FEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
( C1 k( s7 N+ s
You are loving me
1 r( y8 I' B4 b' b: j* qor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
$ k+ n1 P' K* m$ G4 Pcan be shaped whatever you want

3 q- _0 {/ e' l) Z7 K/ f1 junfortunalety not my heart
+ e: L& t$ W  I* t5 |' dIt is slashed by you
# `) R; P- R8 ~9 {% gand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
5 `& Y- m, [, Q& [3 F; x( t2 u* R5 GIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
6 i' _( v3 y) U2 d+ Mmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" S9 U8 z5 t2 Y5 w3 @
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
. h! _4 P1 p9 ^9 X8 h+ `不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
  k( o( H) i) i3 |6 L& U. |i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
6 V3 I; d5 `/ k% @+ H; F: fAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

: Y; f2 Z0 j) h! f: Fwith the charm,
* f: H/ m5 z- G$ B7 v# t; Q6 [& ^with the simles.
I fell in love with you
7 w* M" F! f- I# |In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
, @9 P- w* E2 l% Q/ wthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
& s$ B$ J! K& u
6 k& `( P% T0 `" h( J9 Q' }7 vI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
4 `, z# i6 o3 N* w2 Dalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
" A( m5 c0 t' M( Q4 j' o* A, k9 dBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
' z5 C. M1 a7 d

His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
/ v0 J2 B/ J+ Y7 I8 ^9 ~4 H2 ?( VHis forever is simply as her smile
3 K# k: z/ H  C# F( s; bHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
5 t) k% T  K% jShe was a question to be answered
2 l3 ^/ u% W' p$ P& T' I3 h: |And his answer is
* Y1 G# h3 w# U( r5 ]: t: RI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
9 p& C0 o$ Z( L% \0 i/ \9 C
, C/ R6 u& v% |9 E; m! `- ]Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
  r9 E& w% o# m5 c5 ?& k
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
7 P" Q8 A+ Y0 ]7 oHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
9 T: M" \* }7 c% g  {; n
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
1 r0 }/ w0 I; b: Q0 _  W, P" s- tIn the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( `  u* D% N- {, B你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
- ]- V- J  p; X+ U, m7 P阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
) w9 T9 c# f3 E2 ]+ T你让我脸发热
7 L) Y) E2 }- B" s. R3 W4 e我爱上你的大嘴唇
! f; `  A2 Q* ~. O: Z3 f% LXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
# }- P+ H4 H8 V, x* v至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
' S* C' x" U: H" z4 i你让我脸发热
" ]8 l) o0 R  _1 U& g我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

  k- N0 Y% D; V. f靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。