我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
! k+ [6 K5 W2 ~. h% G1 J
8 ~% ?' R) H, J! V# J1 _& K: h- ?I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
/ e6 z" |6 P! t, J& ~9 Y
" G8 U$ e) N, }You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
6 j5 Q4 r3 G  _As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
% }1 {+ p" p; I% n# O2 s
( D4 K) j0 n# d, x, h- dYour lip is so big
" O6 @. u: t! b, R, i4 V8 {And that’s good for a kiss
0 q+ ~$ l4 a: T; P+ M0 FYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

/ o0 V/ x# y. k; Z& KI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
4 k" N  C5 m' Z7 Q/ j+ PYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
3 s0 {; U+ X/ k! Q' v6 j$ n
You could not stand my eating
5 N" A( X" k$ I7 a7 J2 d$ a1 x1 CSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
6 U/ V& h' {* cEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
) z+ u0 f! Y9 W( XBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
& k! l+ a; f; ]' Q8 _"My man should be like this,
0 U4 X/ o" c. U' F; b) Yand I am helping you to improve'

/ Z- z) w5 f% T. h4 I) `' FYou are loving me
, o% ]+ Z3 Y) _5 y3 b* ror that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
: N" g$ ], u, U- n$ C# W( O6 B
% @' y5 v$ `/ v4 b$ Munfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
7 t+ f. f6 j' M- y4 sand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
3 K# B! Y; z! W: ?" ?8 Ymy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

0 {- v) j4 E2 v( _6 V' \  n/ `
& X# W& u6 J( P7 Y# v6 O9 @" A咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
* V0 G) d8 l  _/ }i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 C* B: ?3 Q$ |7 V  L* v
  w3 }8 U' V9 _: h$ pwith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
& r* E7 {; D4 _& L- O2 k
1 Z& o1 L6 g' ~+ x7 N0 r' j  OYour lip is so soft
% V( U; `9 O- [there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 O3 }+ b2 h% C$ J& o2 b6 P0 vYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

6 h1 b5 u) t6 P8 P: I- i# P7 EI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
. m. T6 S" W/ U+ j! s' v
0 \0 l: W1 O, S* E1 Q+ k6 {
5 ]! Q2 F  l2 f; [$ F+ g0 \" Y5 _His hello is the end of her endings
+ s' K- Q( j( B* ?/ l/ W% f. l+ FHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
- e) O: J  ~  G4 [2 C7 f' q* eHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
# U1 @- X; E% |2 [) oHe said she was what was missing
7 V1 A$ F+ A* Z8 g- P, dShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
, l% Q# |5 s, W' z# Q/ _3 u  K' P" }And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
0 P$ @% `4 ]" ^/ v
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
* A9 K6 u- ^. L7 c' k4 d+ {My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
2 C6 C- V1 |$ q5 UHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
2 _) J- ~/ i: A* N4 `$ D9 s+ M7 SI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
" S3 x) i; ]9 f7 k/ T  i6 h# fHow could it be dispersed?

0 J3 d  w4 ^; f* t  j% y/ NFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
& F5 @  w, P. b' B9 U9 N你让我心跳好快
9 s' k8 V) m8 q5 ~9 f. C0 a你让我脸发热
$ j, C+ F, C$ L我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% h" S5 I8 a) j+ Y就和用中文写一次
5 ]- L: y% \: _$ q+ g阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
& m7 P) [: M8 S/ K/ b你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
, Y5 z  Q$ P9 O: lXXXXX
! J% C( X8 R" [: Q: c+ a1 s% `9 b不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

# k6 ~7 R" M- S  K$ b
4 s* j+ r4 ]3 {; t* [! c- B% w靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。