我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
3 W+ U- S3 n3 j5 i0 g% H) `+ ^- d
2 l2 `7 R* k6 {  l5 jI fell in love with you
9 p( a% g- k# u2 q  uAt the first week we met
* u5 t4 `5 J. L) ~( o# ^- v0 k
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
. m' L3 l. ]9 n; F) ?They are shining stars

2 m, ]( t8 O" |7 KYour lip is so big
9 s" l# O+ ]/ ~- |; J) tAnd that’s good for a kiss
: `' ^' V: Z5 P) {; L  s9 zYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
1 w9 f$ s0 f5 O
" d. q' P6 I7 [; j- p+ O9 rI was deeply in love
6 ^3 p% I% q/ F0 h" }8 @+ N$ g- rEverything from you is positive
/ H* F! U4 u; g* q3 S$ I! u9 Q; OYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
7 Y% c; u1 w/ V. K9 K6 q# y
8 K" i; D1 J2 I% g7 @" [4 vYou could not stand my eating
) N2 i( Q7 A  p- G1 pSaying no good for making funny sound
# X; ?; }( S! i* E& h  i9 U2 eI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

3 w, u3 z+ d+ G  _. w0 EI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
1 j% L1 \. _- y& a2 X7 Y! EAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
+ n/ d' U$ E$ m: z- z+ x* |Everything from me is negative
8 i, S% ?: e7 j& Z9 K- c"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

' T1 q1 G- A& C* `You are loving me
. W. {& P2 g, E4 w* s! q/ [or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
0 p( c0 y/ Q# x
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
. B: e6 b3 B9 o5 c" R% V& }8 s$ ~4 Zand I am seriously hurt
% b1 |) l, T4 N
I will never love another
1 x! q+ E5 l& A1 I0 V' e  @( R8 v$ @If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
; ~! V$ X: I8 z) I5 \不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
+ d9 x* E9 `+ X% v7 x+ D4 _9 vi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
' J: }$ j& {" U. C
0 f+ ]3 o" |7 w4 Ewith the charm,
with the simles.
6 Q1 z7 C+ M( k9 O8 W: M; lI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
6 W" a2 X* Z  w5 {1 bAs spotting sky at a summer

1 N5 v1 j6 n, O8 Y' J# a: MYour lip is so soft
+ @$ ]% m6 Z+ V1 I2 r# Gthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
5 }  r7 ^/ p, wYour body is so sexy
4 S; S6 F. N, lAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
+ G% T4 w: G) C6 g
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
2 b: Q+ I# r: D5 U4 q; h7 ~7 ralthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
3 b5 M3 `* U6 ]" k- H0 L* {

His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
& P; w% c$ w3 c2 q1 y% C  r9 |( RHis forever is simply as her smile
) w% t0 J0 y& oHe said she was what was missing
* M; e) M) t& b6 R& b1 @  uShe said instantly she knew
( {2 Z5 E* U# MShe was a question to be answered
* {0 d- n4 V/ i' }& T" \, RAnd his answer is
% W% @4 K0 z3 GI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

! d/ }" H, e& IBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
7 Y/ O3 ]0 l1 n, C+ h$ gI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
( J' Q& h. {+ D, Y* i' h
! w5 }  f' n# L# y: ?9 c+ ~. ^You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
% p5 w- Y6 H) y  Z+ Z5 o$ nHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
4 l, A, C, b8 A4 s% hYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
+ _/ B" v/ Z4 LI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 O# d1 Q( d- L" `8 }: ]你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
- t7 N* g9 o& K( l4 j就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
- T! F) |0 E* `! Z# E我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
* W& w0 d" J- Q% Y不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
" O% Z( L& e. B2 ^
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
4 G& a& O9 s/ t; n- A- Z至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
: H: d( o  h3 x! r& y, H2 \# O) L你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! c1 q( z! \/ W6 w0 o4 s就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
# E. p, F: y, y1 l你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
% R8 k( f& q4 d不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

% T* \* Q, t; p. c
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
' V6 @4 P& T0 ^% W7 k+ V4 e% A* o

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。