我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
; R( t( q+ B, @. R
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
) y# J+ X2 A1 g# \
, k# W8 W( E+ vYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

) H! h- E) e  D4 F) U  Z  x# D1 ^Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

) O' _) q/ A2 i8 I( ^& UI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
  T9 i  `9 n$ m% q/ z5 ?4 \1 ]You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

9 P* }$ s* w, G% `/ X. P& PYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
+ c3 n  v1 _* H' O& g9 X, E9 e9 k
I fell in love with you
7 w/ R+ w% o# r3 d! k2 F+ q' ]Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
5 J7 F$ ]3 ^5 a) ~And that is the price for love
. G1 y4 b' i( u! s, w, P
you are deeply in love
5 V: F# g/ X( V/ p, g) @/ {Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
  \4 {# M/ K# G1 N, A2 kand I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
9 Z6 [: P& M; ]My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
" f- `" J& j6 t& x
! z7 y7 ~2 {9 {) M" nunfortunalety not my heart
6 p4 t/ L; H% c3 k0 {8 Q- t( WIt is slashed by you
& y. m* t$ Q% w% F: N; I; k9 band I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
9 G# B: G5 Q* r; e8 `8 D% ?9 {. KIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
$ Q& |7 p5 e6 P) m% Xmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

- ^% r' D' ^/ l7 m# \; l1 _
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
! b. t8 V7 Q6 e5 Ei am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
* M5 `+ W! t) ~+ k& \1 kAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
' o8 B; b4 \) p, m$ ]& O- D- ?3 jwith the simles.
/ l* L( H1 s! @* ?; Y. ^( eI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
: F$ E9 A/ r5 N, K/ X. l
7 S* i3 w( q) l* m1 aYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

- J# P% I2 @5 A  J
8 y; j- A- C0 M  B# c9 G% ZHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
; J$ R4 H% E8 y: v- w2 Z; F  XHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
+ L: w4 R2 s6 ?+ ?2 Y: wShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
: [: f2 o6 M. x% R5 q* ~I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

$ f: p2 i5 i$ b- C/ O& ^* r9 JBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
9 ?- W: s! x+ N( E5 e
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
) C7 [: M8 F4 V& }4 F) [7 PMy heart beat so fast
9 [; w. M9 v7 _I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
9 q6 }" ?9 f6 V6 g
  W+ r& O5 f$ ]; \' `You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
( c* J$ W  R; l4 `% O( ?' XMy mood is like a cloud
( Z, D  j- @) O: ]6 e9 JHow could it be dispersed?

9 S# m: E$ W3 x* y7 @Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
8 U* H$ c1 ?- e  xIn the depth of my soul
  k1 O) M3 ?3 x  Q. A$ o) F$ I- ^: vI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; u8 y, a! z5 s9 i8 z0 S0 Q- U5 k就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
+ L# T' r5 Y* C2 B) f0 Y9 K你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
* T% U% o- e9 E0 C不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 w( _- E; w9 ]7 k) |8 j0 h
$ V6 ]) O, C. ?4 Q0 I如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
8 m0 a8 [6 V8 M' ]闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
" \+ K) E' Q$ H6 z# [阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
& O- b% J, _0 d我爱上你的大嘴唇
! J6 Q5 D; m4 |& c. EXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

4 ^9 W5 ?! _2 G: I* N
5 [, i0 `5 o4 S0 O' ~5 A) v7 A靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。