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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
" a  r; w7 ?. p
' a9 w2 {1 v$ D: I: GI fell in love with you
7 N& i: s2 e$ y4 aAt the first week we met6 }5 i/ R  V7 w# u  ~8 [2 A! c% z
9 e/ E+ l: t) T
You have charm, you have looks
6 E1 F$ C" Z: k: |; @with full of pimples in face2 p  H7 y3 m) D$ E5 e
As spotting sky at a summer night
+ k' Z0 A( y, c8 ?6 ^2 L" {* z; VThey are shining stars) Y/ c- C2 [' ^1 M

8 C$ i* v) k8 J* r  c! iYour lip is so big1 U: o( Q% u5 {
And that’s good for a kiss
1 X. D% ^1 Q  @1 N- `$ x2 D$ d% tYour body is chubby8 w* O  x% Q4 ?7 d
And that is good for sex
' X' d4 e( q: ~7 W2 ]
9 i( D& G1 I. A4 ?I was deeply in love
: Y$ b& j5 a8 V+ }  ]Everything from you is positive
# G$ N/ t4 N5 F5 W1 R, Y& p4 wYou blame me everything and everyday& s1 q: k5 Z$ a0 X* W5 o
And I think all girls sound like
( M  ~. H4 j8 J$ w5 W
2 e) m' [" _, `5 g+ {You could not stand my eating; m, h3 ~; s3 Q8 n5 g
Saying no good for making funny sound
' o8 P7 P: Z! r( G# @) II think you are perfectly right. W: {% |- b  d  }8 p) P( [# [6 j+ A
Eating with sound is a pig
- ^8 t* B0 ^; Z* I  W8 O! s2 }9 Y  I9 g7 _
I fell in love with you 5 L) v8 B* g; I& i3 D
Become a fool to think2 a5 o% E, a0 M  ~. ^
All trouble things you did
, |, M+ N$ e) G# GAnd that is the price for love
) X4 U. m: F( U, K% L6 H0 y/ U  B- W+ M5 S) Z$ s" A7 d$ R3 y* x
you are deeply in love
3 Z; u# V! {& V" x$ nEverything from me is negative7 E5 }9 C& h) P
"My man should be like this,% y; G1 Q% \8 X' J4 _
and I am helping you to improve'3 D2 C9 p1 z4 R  R5 i5 _
* t" W. W/ ^3 a3 g
You are loving me ; ^  @) [# k' k; ^  L: X) ?$ j. r
or that one in your mind?
9 k  {5 k1 }& K' n9 P1 kMy mind is like a mud
. k+ ?) e& ^7 ?7 tcan be shaped whatever you want
' U' C- S" J9 \) \5 `" S- Y
% `0 ]' ?$ g" dunfortunalety not my heart2 q5 Y+ s# ]6 R8 i) Z: k9 O$ G
It is slashed by you : }1 ]7 F3 X5 H; s+ c
and I am seriously hurt
' B" h' h9 e" u; I& ^! d9 S
* X$ \# m" x* H; j- [I will never love another ; W. E2 u) {" _& e, u) G: E. U
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
% _8 I4 A6 E: Q- c. y' Emy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
7 V; L- T  q$ m2 m4 L) H  p
0 G- L9 A% G5 y: H! ~
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!2 Q0 t2 ~: Z( d3 r7 g9 \$ Z; {6 u
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
* e' `5 W4 M4 Li am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 B( t) I2 \1 M0 R) K1 VAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed+ Q2 h6 ^1 v' A' I( }

( i9 @+ l- o: E3 V' jwith the charm,3 j" D5 F/ o2 w( H! q
with the simles.3 T( P4 G1 Y/ ^8 [
I fell in love with you
" v0 }% Z' h2 V+ }! rIn the first sign.! Z2 W: q3 V7 ^; @
As spotting sky at a summer # p* z7 B6 u3 H) I7 L! [* |* x
) R1 i1 R! D7 w# L; Y3 }& W( z
Your lip is so soft 2 u4 w# K9 |3 e4 i7 b
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss8 B: x4 t4 }" x) s! N2 r6 z- L
Your body is so sexy: f4 H( M3 b7 }% j8 L
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 [5 d/ q3 x' E+ B2 g
. w+ C7 Y+ \+ w! x) d8 ?I am deeply in love
& X1 u! Q# l" l+ _' AEverything from you is so charming/ i. `% A$ p5 W/ o$ l
although You r so picky for me ; P$ y5 p' M! `9 P  m* ~  G
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.9 Q2 w- c6 S/ Z8 L3 T5 `
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem. Y8 g: C  e! ]+ o

$ ]/ k/ d3 S6 D+ c* f# Y" d2 c
2 l% a. }3 g: R9 bHis hello is the end of her endings. d* `0 S' T" [
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle- `; D& g' x+ _" ^5 I0 B' x( n
His hand would be hers to hold forever0 G. x  ]4 K  L* T; t% x& I2 ]
His forever is simply as her smile + d9 M4 \' P$ G) W' F6 k
He said she was what was missing1 g3 M8 h4 l4 |$ V
She said instantly she knew
+ q/ \' w8 {( `. S0 mShe was a question to be answered
5 y! i/ [7 ], A+ t) d- `7 iAnd his answer is " \! M* q: C+ {3 N; ?4 ?
I do
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
+ Y$ x! F8 k5 z
' g8 s5 {2 c8 c; FBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt- E( c/ n& p/ h3 t# i- C

: ~) V9 j4 Y5 A- m6 T& BIt's amazing how I felt
$ l' L8 ?4 G1 k$ S- X( p7 twhen I was with you
, o: ^1 U; n  q" {+ o" LMy heart beat so fast
) e3 k" d& e' k4 M3 JI looked at you and thought; T5 e4 E% {' {& Z
Holy Jesus, you were so cute/ X" S) L$ W4 O" c, _6 s
4 U, Q$ t. K/ j5 \+ e. K
You left me without a word- [0 J( E4 W) }( U' E* R
I have nothing except my emptiness
4 X4 c+ k, t+ U+ I6 v8 `1 LMy mood is like a cloud4 u5 w6 F& S" A
How could it be dispersed?
& |9 [* Y# ?! Y( X' b) W
5 D" h9 e: ^. [2 v8 R  r2 B" HFeelings bite my heart
/ v3 g9 e+ K5 kYou are the right one I wait
3 k$ @0 |; x# u, Q  E  qIn the depth of my soul
5 P0 \; M* F; Q" O, ]* E$ V5 cI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美0 d0 n. m/ r; G2 ]3 @  o
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 L  y% @7 ]4 n; [+ \4 v就和用中文写一次
1 B! Q9 r+ _3 B  I0 G阿,我爱你
4 E: d" T6 W) @% b5 L! ^你让我心跳好快0 a% u( D8 b3 E7 `
你让我脸发热
# |1 d8 i4 b, x# b/ m我爱上你的大嘴唇
9 R/ K" R  `% W8 K# C! d8 O! xXXXXX" W! n( h$ u) H( U
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?; m9 w, v9 a+ t9 X" R6 s
% ?' d( N, K$ |  _6 g6 n% @/ d
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER. T+ c; K. x. E" l! c; V
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
; L7 Z- R+ ]& A闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美; ?. R( \0 p6 [5 I. U4 Y
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道3 E4 h8 N+ t7 z8 n% i7 n3 z5 l0 Q
就和用中文写一次
* D# \: S; {- x* _9 f, ]阿,我爱你
# D. D: w, J+ U你让我心跳好快3 ?3 {  C7 p$ b& s- E) Y
你让我脸发热
3 r* Q6 [" o  [) Z* k我爱上你的大嘴唇
6 I3 P! T6 h. E' k- eXXXXX
$ i. Y- E+ v1 U不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

7 c; E/ A( e- f2 O2 |; p, x- N; E; u: d9 F" s  @$ B
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.7 o3 V6 K+ W* B  p. @, O1 H, d
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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