我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
" y* H2 P  D, @8 O9 i# }, n0 W/ MAt the first week we met
4 @" K2 F. }: L+ J" U
You have charm, you have looks
' s! g) `2 @0 h6 G; Fwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
0 i2 w' k7 b# g) `- B% f: mThey are shining stars
) E; ?$ J! R1 Z+ R9 B: b$ C
& S2 J4 C1 Z& `5 dYour lip is so big
# H8 U( p6 Z" o1 p! ]0 W4 |And that’s good for a kiss
5 J! Q3 V. U' ]. Y" `+ VYour body is chubby
! T8 b% P# s. v9 }7 k# S. BAnd that is good for sex
6 Y/ S' Y1 u' L' X
I was deeply in love
7 P! f3 G  l& a" c0 }1 {6 e( LEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
+ Y4 d4 A9 c& \1 ]+ y0 i- K: YAnd I think all girls sound like

7 o( E6 M4 \6 [# l# LYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
% J2 Y  G( C# s% CI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
4 g, k- X# c" E6 F8 nAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
. b- U' R1 d4 z, k
You are loving me
& ?* w! c/ O' j  Nor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
# o* N5 p- s+ G! F6 {* Tcan be shaped whatever you want
: H6 r* D8 ~4 m% q* B: @
+ A0 A. }" p. ~6 R# A; \unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
- f. m$ c7 B0 [$ qand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
$ r9 W* g) {' ]& M, pmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

$ i# r1 Z  I! `4 b4 c7 @, `- c
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
$ a) x4 V3 F/ o( N1 E5 `# C/ l( {
- D5 S' q  w6 _1 J( Owith the charm,
: Z! B1 @- A% l  E1 y: Iwith the simles.
+ m& h+ J% D( h, C2 T+ N. }I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
! J+ Q2 X( ?% \( }" ?8 S
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
6 z* \6 A3 N! D* H9 q
2 T& L$ e+ j) z9 Y' b4 k. Y& OI am deeply in love
4 @, L4 z1 k$ ]1 }Everything from you is so charming
' D+ Z: Q5 e, `; N- Lalthough You r so picky for me
( V& |- z( R* p' f7 I5 bAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
5 D! h4 A: W! X' a+ H5 Q( ?
  O$ J  ^7 E* l. H2 U
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
8 W$ i* h$ E) o% P, Y2 JHis hand would be hers to hold forever
8 }, ?, Q5 E6 g; o$ ^His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
0 T% o3 f/ c" [' ~+ _$ t3 h' QI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
2 Y. x) u4 r. B% M% T7 t
( S. V, R4 g: @  N: y6 i' M5 }Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
# w9 R/ s" I1 _0 G+ p: v3 pwhen I was with you
+ ?- j. Y( M: z! }% y6 }! L% qMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
6 e/ r, S7 |+ o9 a2 e# B4 ?2 p& B4 p
( j$ o# ?% I8 NYou left me without a word
  p7 I3 h* p2 ZI have nothing except my emptiness
' D1 t- U) I7 i& i' B' e3 f, YMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
! l3 n2 u- T( z. @" O# R
1 L" M# s) h1 L5 y2 |  VFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
( D+ g3 S; F' q+ pI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
% v8 R* _. W! V& S5 n阿,我爱你
7 m6 x3 K6 i3 `0 n5 N& V7 l' u你让我心跳好快
1 s% C' S! ?' i: q" O- h你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
' s; s) v, D. y5 Y/ C, E4 JXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
* r# ^1 l+ s9 Y+ D/ f闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ N: z3 R; p. R$ U( n" I1 A你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
$ l# ~& Z" P6 e" M1 N阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
0 z+ n4 R+ b& r% n+ G2 B* F/ P1 H你让我脸发热
9 l- B5 X% _3 [) A! G, Q4 Y' g' D7 Z我爱上你的大嘴唇
  Z* Q- z% T+ q, R3 @; tXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 F- ?& u6 V: u5 l% W靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
* X) ^0 i9 _. v6 u- B- z. u

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。