我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
! ]$ d* Y2 L) M
) ]# I; v8 u2 s6 ^/ ^" l% ^; M2 OI fell in love with you
3 _  U" T. G7 ^$ n0 D; S6 K9 S5 nAt the first week we met

8 ?  `$ C4 S) Z  I' sYou have charm, you have looks
0 |6 f2 r) H% |with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
2 C: T) e: T5 ~3 V/ C5 S8 ~& F. w
# ?7 `# n3 m8 T2 J" w( A1 GYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
* b; E$ U' [0 gYour body is chubby
1 D# |7 \* v' L1 b5 b4 ?And that is good for sex

5 @4 m, ]9 e' ~1 v; k) R$ w* @! ]I was deeply in love
) F& G1 |' J* X2 d0 O2 E) VEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
+ l" t& u* k0 _# A' H; L8 T# xSaying no good for making funny sound
5 O9 x. ]) d$ U3 F1 \2 MI think you are perfectly right
: F- t" N( z4 g4 ^( L0 w* REating with sound is a pig
+ x+ e# e& p4 S6 `: P' z) z
I fell in love with you
$ k$ Y4 N; P2 _$ \) X# x' ~Become a fool to think
% F& p8 W7 S, c2 v; _All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
& t2 {! m! O3 R7 f+ Y+ y: C/ Q9 ]% C: g
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
' g) `* k5 T8 cand I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
% b9 n# I+ q" ]2 Y; Wor that one in your mind?
4 k+ C5 Z, ^" X' ]! v/ @My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
6 w( U( J2 \! z- F/ c4 }" \/ p, w
unfortunalety not my heart
& D. U/ _4 n) f2 d7 @" dIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
1 M/ G" t/ H# k6 h* a, C
I will never love another
' R7 W8 y6 c% x& _If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

$ s; v' M8 e; G8 K0 Y$ Z
! Z& m1 a3 T0 ~咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
, J. I! d. {/ L+ r& {$ y不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
5 r+ [" N8 L0 Ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
/ g( n; B4 O! `3 S3 g' Z
; {" }( P0 A& N( ~with the charm,
with the simles.
, J, i0 `6 }3 ?! A/ KI fell in love with you
& y, m# v9 d3 {- y+ X& m" a& aIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
( V4 t. \- u( f
8 |, K* p0 e: I: r/ Z2 K$ VI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
. K, Z% v3 g! Y0 U' f6 m* oalthough You r so picky for me
7 ?5 Z. \- X' J. ~; vAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

  W9 }: t( n2 k/ f1 H  }* k$ s# Z
  Z. F. }, C. y2 @6 E+ z, UHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ t: C$ t4 R  X2 k+ xHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
$ F2 ~" j! w$ S( f5 YShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
) w$ m0 o7 `, O& g2 R8 `And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
% f. o9 K7 f1 P- K! G0 c( O$ e2 R
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
9 {4 B+ N+ R/ B2 b5 m& D/ S
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
" r  }  u$ R3 D7 BI looked at you and thought
$ u' i1 K* O) h4 rHoly Jesus, you were so cute
, P2 t/ ~2 ?: b* \2 ^; @* S# [
# i% m0 b4 ^! JYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
( L: X% ]! u" P' r' x2 F/ A. s. rHow could it be dispersed?

) M7 k6 X6 u# i4 [2 U2 P7 g" BFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
, b- C# W4 C+ o" g, C6 c( _- EIn the depth of my soul
: J4 [2 V. w# J" m% A! s. BI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! n# e5 N% X9 i4 o; G9 S就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 l0 Q7 Q# z+ N; E, E' X" FXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
3 d1 x6 N" b; o  v# J0 o你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* Y  _/ o9 ]* Q) P就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
" _9 G, L* t- L2 \1 s你让我脸发热
. D3 I5 r& G7 m: E+ v# f我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

6 Y% z! B. f  i' A+ i靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
/ u- s9 W- v0 ^. \5 i* }

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。