我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
- v, q' e( t2 Z) x6 g4 f  E& i
2 X% X  t& F0 p, XI fell in love with you
At the first week we met

5 ?8 `* B( e: m2 eYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
( E' Z5 H' E4 K; P' Y* k* p- JThey are shining stars

% P% H5 y: `$ h2 C! U& oYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
' c' Y; I& `. C! n1 v* T+ T- qYour body is chubby
& w: E( q7 E$ Y. z0 l' \/ S  P" `/ V+ xAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
5 v2 U6 P+ n* Q8 x$ lEverything from you is positive
0 [- ]3 O" n9 q3 @" e% rYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

& F5 |9 M- f0 vYou could not stand my eating
; G6 E2 \, M' A# pSaying no good for making funny sound
; M) g/ m# u' c3 J( s) O. YI think you are perfectly right
4 I9 w7 F5 a; ^Eating with sound is a pig

! s1 ~& C) L  q7 uI fell in love with you
# b3 r' F% n* z& O% K% ]Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
/ w0 v7 H" T, T) g( cAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
1 u8 Q8 R+ X( q8 H2 A4 q"My man should be like this,
9 C4 F9 L8 ]( M/ V3 U5 U4 u$ Mand I am helping you to improve'

8 a9 L' i6 Z" S5 ~& O& `0 dYou are loving me
- |' J& q6 Q% Q( e5 d: u  a& uor that one in your mind?
% Z7 H( F/ {% S: X! h" IMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
2 F& U' \' c) J0 e( E- v& p
unfortunalety not my heart
, O8 g9 T7 s1 E1 {It is slashed by you
* `7 x& `! K; ^! d( `and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
0 e2 E; U+ x. b- M" l+ RIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
% z5 Q8 J: U- smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! ]0 y7 Y3 f! a% ?
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
9 X5 j% s, o" Y) ^1 n% Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
, S! y4 `/ s8 u/ HAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& O+ i  ~& k* z% i# H2 H) ]
/ B2 K* }/ S; b) v; b& j0 Ywith the charm,
with the simles.
1 o3 {1 q4 i" b+ l( A( ^I fell in love with you
' C/ \) n) ]: T2 D' j4 oIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
4 Q# P8 A5 y# V
3 C; B% `2 ?' A7 n/ kI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
) b9 C0 z# v2 H% nAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
0 g+ g& u+ j8 |0 N' y, X' h; A1 rBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
. [* G& ~$ @* k1 r* q! d# W/ m
8 }; n" x  f% }$ N0 ^
( y8 Z" ~; A7 r* ^His hello is the end of her endings
! {  D, M: D0 ^6 I9 X( S% O! yHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
- a. m3 T, D1 z8 y. V9 QHe said she was what was missing
# v( _& O1 X7 g* G3 n7 c3 h/ P7 UShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
% j/ F$ `+ e$ N: {# Z
4 P4 P6 k& `& F+ d5 JBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

7 m0 H3 R' o0 v4 u; QIt's amazing how I felt
$ s7 m& B' w$ y. j6 h/ h, Q- V% mwhen I was with you
& i& F1 {3 L2 k3 V) e0 PMy heart beat so fast
* T( X; a$ D! k; m2 RI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
% a! B  {) n  ~6 J- F
, }# P& _# P- ~: X1 n5 [You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
8 C" X- m& h9 [' a  Y' X' cHow could it be dispersed?

  k2 e% F2 ~7 _  F8 _2 QFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
, K$ ]  l! s! BIn the depth of my soul
, \8 j- c6 y$ B3 Z3 I+ n* C9 DI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
$ |. O" F- T0 C1 H7 P就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
6 j3 E0 N9 @- }: w你让我脸发热
+ a! g, O  v# \$ c5 l, Z我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 Y1 k; E% d/ ?% F$ Z9 n) cXXXXX
7 ~8 T8 l* A, r+ }4 k不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

6 k0 b. i3 ]/ T0 J  R如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
# g, Y  j+ T8 `至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
1 ?4 I, _6 H$ n% }( F你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
; D- {, [5 s1 O你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
% v' L5 |4 ?" N8 v8 {$ x# r$ I% A- |我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。