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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
2 ~( o( W% M' z
, ~. i% E7 S. e! X( cI fell in love with you * F. d0 G9 q! s3 E7 @% s0 a
At the first week we met
5 p" G# J0 U; t. [
" Y+ F, ]( z/ c6 o2 ?You have charm, you have looks1 h% s1 b; ~! Q0 N3 v2 g
with full of pimples in face- ?! y2 }9 x* i- x1 s# T
As spotting sky at a summer night6 a8 [) s+ }$ T6 b7 \9 r
They are shining stars
+ y: W. v# d( J& K; ?# P
# Z6 c2 S' K# ^Your lip is so big
7 z* S# o1 x& G+ X3 e& l' bAnd that’s good for a kiss" a9 W$ V- [2 Z: f
Your body is chubby: G, r) W1 X5 n- n) m2 [
And that is good for sex
, C; K! M3 y! z) z- }' g5 r  B/ E8 f$ j7 E
I was deeply in love
1 w$ D7 F. \) }) r7 K3 REverything from you is positive( A" n+ v% J& |5 \( {
You blame me everything and everyday+ ~2 p$ c3 ~2 F9 ?1 I4 O# m0 V
And I think all girls sound like7 q, c/ C  ?% u( A' n/ ^% |

' F- c% L( X4 B0 z+ ^* ?You could not stand my eating& z* m7 X* ]; b5 _8 {
Saying no good for making funny sound
' c: I! a: a" u, `I think you are perfectly right
% Z7 V2 m: h! E" \$ I6 EEating with sound is a pig
* ?9 [& R$ _" Z8 {4 i. _8 s
9 ~: }/ m& o/ W& U6 iI fell in love with you
; n1 C+ n: B9 @- E) U+ [9 b, cBecome a fool to think
- C4 t6 k' Q) N3 T$ C% uAll trouble things you did& h! _& q& z  B0 c5 t/ H% F2 E
And that is the price for love
" x; |0 x% `* O  L! c8 Q( [8 D6 W
- b! J! n: m) X+ @; P- D# R# ayou are deeply in love
, Q% o1 E$ J) _  u& V9 I! zEverything from me is negative) {* E+ ~* ^7 W6 @7 ^' R: s
"My man should be like this,1 a2 _! m; j' @2 q( _! }
and I am helping you to improve'
. Q/ k" z( A$ K4 P; i( K" r; a7 G. S# U6 i- o# f; P
You are loving me
, [6 ^& }. f4 b. p% B2 nor that one in your mind?" p; B9 J3 O  ^
My mind is like a mud! ~1 t0 |4 r( \0 _7 Q- r* u4 U
can be shaped whatever you want
' G- J+ s6 w2 F6 t. P
1 A0 a& F1 W% r, @8 B2 cunfortunalety not my heart
, E3 Q, Q$ X/ U4 tIt is slashed by you
, B: |7 t2 b6 ^! _and I am seriously hurt
  T3 K: I+ H* v7 }3 _6 O% p& K6 ~
2 n/ o7 @" d: s( oI will never love another
: c1 {# {( G9 M+ ~& p; ?If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
+ I: d9 D- H4 wmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

; ?$ E9 U* c! f; D) Y6 V6 G5 c* J( j+ [, B5 [5 f2 }
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
9 u. H& O4 B4 g0 x! c4 E/ g不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
3 p0 p# J+ S) c  d. n1 t! T4 A" q% e! Ni am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
) \6 ?0 E" ^6 [5 RAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
' T0 W1 i% F) O3 z  g
  Q' x7 a% Z, L5 m6 Zwith the charm,/ i  }( i' a+ J3 l. o
with the simles.6 d5 w! E) U7 h! ~/ Q8 _0 b- h1 P
I fell in love with you / U2 W7 \5 E, [+ X
In the first sign.; V' A4 P& l6 O$ Y6 H9 ~  b
As spotting sky at a summer 6 \' ]. R, J# i) J5 s5 r, P+ w- k2 ]

* _/ E- N- w) zYour lip is so soft
$ Y) u+ {& E. e- y' z9 ?there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ i6 N0 I' t) g9 L. n; K' XYour body is so sexy
( f  B9 c$ L' ]. e* ^And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.; E9 C: Q1 O( d$ S2 n

' R9 C5 [( W% ~' u' GI am deeply in love
# \' O: f( u/ c0 W% r2 b# p- gEverything from you is so charming% S1 b3 ?5 ]  d# x: v& G: A
although You r so picky for me
( V$ x* N! \0 I- Z8 [: O+ CAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
& [5 V7 E! A% }, }$ NBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem  F6 E% F: W1 l# K# h0 I3 W, f

6 a" B5 D# P0 s9 m  u: L  g, C9 ~4 E) K- y% |6 t/ l) {
His hello is the end of her endings; a4 K+ x9 x: Y
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
* S3 g  b7 p) W6 W) g. u; P4 tHis hand would be hers to hold forever
. @/ f5 M$ d3 Y( ~8 J" gHis forever is simply as her smile : v0 \7 v+ U, P; o# R
He said she was what was missing! v" R7 D# j5 h) H
She said instantly she knew8 i+ ?4 ^8 V) D' H
She was a question to be answered0 E. F2 B7 K, C* Q6 H- I3 _7 w
And his answer is 9 }  \0 g' F0 h' R
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
! x1 b9 H: P) ?3 g0 D6 T0 D. Q1 F) w1 [' `" G2 {* t2 \0 S9 D
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt) g" e" {7 @; g* G6 G+ ?

3 U+ T$ o4 n9 j9 i# `) i0 {* IIt's amazing how I felt ( t! ?, C& }" o( I3 b8 m8 c$ x/ Q
when I was with you: K  n: |8 R0 q5 v' t6 }" q2 S
My heart beat so fast( }  G& P/ g* @+ _  s9 d
I looked at you and thought
9 U0 s2 u! E% I5 W, E" wHoly Jesus, you were so cute* D  U- O9 d2 C) ~4 r
0 n  c" r& Z4 C4 k0 K4 `
You left me without a word. J" g! z! P( A5 R; k$ K
I have nothing except my emptiness( M# u  ~/ t1 t% f  i
My mood is like a cloud9 b. j% q+ ~9 Y" A1 v5 |4 j% k! N' O
How could it be dispersed?
: m$ R& y4 u$ a  T! a. t1 D! M" j1 R1 c0 w" w+ S% O
Feelings bite my heart + Q1 \5 y/ f1 A2 _2 w" c+ b
You are the right one I wait
* c; d. ]! g1 x" f2 K$ j' G6 DIn the depth of my soul( {% w7 g) D6 G6 ?- B
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ n  l. G* \" L你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# j  t" d* A( t0 d+ ^9 C就和用中文写一次
) y- W3 m. O# ?! u% f, ]. |阿,我爱你
; T' n! R( H4 s  X你让我心跳好快
( u" ?# U( m% r& u# D0 s: v  d你让我脸发热8 h# w) s2 ^7 [$ E: o5 R" @, n
我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 ~; B8 U2 I: N  `6 u% S( d5 W7 U5 ?XXXXX" }7 s% z  J; E4 a4 z( M
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?- U; O) E! z1 H! G( F' \

6 b6 a' s, g. ]如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
+ G' k) f9 o4 L+ H% Z" i- Z至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 : t: K/ D2 ^* q+ [& H
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ c  R% |# @2 c3 T8 b你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道8 _- e) t4 I; x* ]' _% T
就和用中文写一次
3 a5 |$ ^# D' [) B+ d2 W阿,我爱你
. r% D% l, G1 N# o* [& ~你让我心跳好快1 d7 A/ b2 o+ y8 M3 c; `& ?6 i
你让我脸发热
9 {7 l" }/ D+ J1 Y2 Y( t, O我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ }# h: Z; d8 l$ I- m' YXXXXX
) O7 S  c6 f! p不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
2 m/ t! {2 H8 f6 r
9 S, K# o* c. p
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.! _* _$ d8 Z4 s" p# g, d! b
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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