我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
: F: }) c& j6 z" I. r8 O/ B
+ m1 G$ M# N  V  S1 T2 J9 H) |I fell in love with you
. ]0 K/ Z4 f; t  l& lAt the first week we met
, y( o# Z2 j( i; ]7 U
You have charm, you have looks
9 @- A# y7 J: A0 G3 F6 Twith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
1 {  M. A" m4 F+ d; n3 LThey are shining stars

# y: o: T& s1 aYour lip is so big
3 c0 l! Q. u+ ?$ KAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
" V. k  s# }+ f2 JAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
( V/ j1 T# s" Y( J: Z, s, x# l# F# pYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
0 ]' }) ?  i0 \) G- ]) }
! w8 E$ |# d  r; \: A- zYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
  d* n, F- D; x0 YBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
7 }- Y, B! e7 s' m- g! q& A' VAnd that is the price for love

  a9 n/ g+ ]/ ^you are deeply in love
( G/ I3 r8 j4 H$ H% U' OEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
- @( Z9 [8 X: Z3 O1 t: U, O7 g
% C5 N+ h$ b  u: d# AYou are loving me
( X' [$ R* E: g# h" b  L; A9 Kor that one in your mind?
. ~- Y. m( k. ^My mind is like a mud
- d5 T0 R" ]* L4 vcan be shaped whatever you want
; g3 }7 k" v: {7 }7 }! [1 H) ~
unfortunalety not my heart
0 Y& ?+ ?5 g0 d3 j5 I. T' }6 Z0 kIt is slashed by you
  Y! F, M/ \5 y$ y" Iand I am seriously hurt
7 O* g0 E' a& q9 e6 x. l. H
" A6 c" ]7 _+ ^$ @; C3 W+ L! xI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
* N' z$ D7 p/ Q( ^- emy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
1 o  x2 {2 K0 o+ A) x不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; |* E! O' d7 z% [) f  xAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
# T( d3 w2 ~) c5 V# i/ z( oI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
1 c$ z* W: N  R9 w1 Z* ^" _As spotting sky at a summer
; N) y- C; X1 ~: f: u. N7 z5 F
Your lip is so soft
; J. _. Z1 L* Y3 Pthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
) t$ M0 f  j* T6 V) P7 T6 S6 T
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
! I# S) @- a* Ialthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
1 a: X. z3 f$ z( e9 dBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
- J- W6 Y, P9 M/ H2 A
, k7 e$ c5 L3 N7 V# J
: X0 O0 |% X+ }4 v( FHis hello is the end of her endings
5 u1 Q8 I1 _2 b* `5 C7 xHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
# W- _( ~: C7 N) y% WHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
' m6 u* b' J8 w1 @1 M; s2 BShe was a question to be answered
3 R. \! M7 F" j" b" {0 |8 l0 vAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
) d* n2 ~% C% n# N: q7 n! Q( Y
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
5 i* r4 V( m9 g- s/ Y# fMy heart beat so fast
! L; ]0 I. V+ c: h1 @I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
* `6 n: S- h# y" v( B% W) }I have nothing except my emptiness
# Q( s7 \, c6 o; u, J, sMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
# B' [1 m3 }9 fYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
9 v: Q: a' ?% A* M+ f* C9 w' g; ~1 bI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
4 A" i  }1 y; r. {你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
- \" U  D6 E7 |5 v) A& G1 ?XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

9 P/ q( H% ^) _如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
$ L3 _5 s/ s3 H4 J, Y, z" _" k你让我脸发热
( l" @8 ?8 E3 Y我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
2 u/ H9 n: L/ U: ^. F不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

5 u0 u; l0 ~% O4 q8 l
' n( G8 i4 d, O. a4 z- x5 A  H2 _靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
( H& _3 d6 U7 \' D+ T. o2 F+ A

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。