我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

4 J8 c1 t( ?5 b, q: k: dI fell in love with you
At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
% v0 a" h  w# d$ ~with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
1 N9 S( A+ `: y' L+ s
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
' a$ N4 A5 }; z& O2 LAnd that is good for sex

; N5 Q  q) \8 ?! `I was deeply in love
5 N8 y# v" U5 w( G9 EEverything from you is positive
0 n1 w. T* K  b! O1 jYou blame me everything and everyday
; t$ `8 E- d' P9 I$ {9 _8 hAnd I think all girls sound like
: f) R( K2 g, p9 L9 ^
You could not stand my eating
3 j+ E. c0 _) g7 lSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
7 H0 K+ E; z( c5 i( W
. X9 C; W7 R% T8 u0 Q! H$ U9 S2 zI fell in love with you
* {1 b; J- d* u; s+ I5 ^( PBecome a fool to think
/ A% Q3 U" Z3 v: `6 a+ d$ rAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
; @( J2 Z0 ?8 E
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
' i1 ?; B5 s, j( a/ ^! m! o"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
$ [4 R) F0 A( M& z
  x( T( ]+ E; \6 @You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

1 q8 z+ ?' ^! E0 T6 A( kunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
- V9 U/ ?; m! w9 t. ?6 land I am seriously hurt
& L3 B, [( J6 w9 J3 x5 Z, L
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
8 r" O' r. K8 i7 ymy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

; f. S, v; ?0 |/ s咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
, U+ |- P& C0 O$ y* E+ si am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
3 d( n& ?0 f7 }2 [' p; HAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

/ b6 T+ o) S+ T; O% F) j% f5 qwith the charm,
/ Y4 f% M0 s: ~9 g. @8 E4 T. K, qwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
* M" `$ z0 ?" a6 LIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
0 G! s; ]0 d$ Z) l
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
* E0 f! ^# ~5 c' O0 N  X1 b! oYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
7 B( B% e. Q! B. L- p
$ d3 o5 n1 t# B3 L1 {I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
! @; _" D4 H1 O) z. Q

2 D5 j4 ]) [# f: T6 m7 rHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
1 q# ~2 U& J! ?) [2 Q( a1 ^+ {1 |His forever is simply as her smile
4 A' k  V) ]. A7 y  qHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
  W9 U5 l& {% g: C# i. h% b" aShe was a question to be answered
! X) _- M- D' p, a7 ^8 q; a; `3 zAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
* F3 a5 g; L' N( Q2 }5 u$ Y: v
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
+ g# I, b: W/ X$ o5 cwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
6 V- ?4 Y9 K/ F) ^& k7 TI looked at you and thought
' b& k& O% U( E6 y% v7 T3 \  D# mHoly Jesus, you were so cute
+ R4 j1 A) e+ ~( y- o6 Y
1 N6 d. g/ ?. nYou left me without a word
, N: ~+ H& Q1 n: @* Z! ^I have nothing except my emptiness
: U& }& S# U( e* A' D# k/ M( ~/ vMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
2 I+ L$ Y8 N7 b9 w5 M9 A
! L! h" @( S% \6 X0 vFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
5 g3 A" r; Q$ p5 ]  `: S; ?In the depth of my soul
5 B7 x8 U1 }3 C: f* {: L# V; P3 eI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
# n; D1 W7 Q2 A/ h+ F; n你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
& ?1 H6 E0 t: R2 r8 v就和用中文写一次
$ S* {" ~6 q7 U+ C阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
' R2 i. b2 M3 X$ x2 [你让我脸发热
9 n  s& X/ y* T0 M8 G; b2 H我爱上你的大嘴唇
; U5 ]/ U9 w$ m9 }. OXXXXX
; `5 B1 W, h5 U3 }4 b! |% t7 {" `不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
; d2 H% M) i& {  {" w阿,我爱你
3 g0 F  f) L% F+ @& l" _& [# k你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
3 u4 d# s' y; A+ f2 B. aXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

" X! E2 V; C1 I& ?
" C- p" ]# Z0 `- M靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。