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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
* o( g/ O0 z' H- s$ b; B# a$ \- }: |' p4 K% b( B6 z# s* @
I fell in love with you 7 w$ K1 I# Q, N( R. w) |. D( w1 j7 ?
At the first week we met* u; c, E* G7 x: [- p' L/ G

8 O; Y5 O" k/ A" g, V* wYou have charm, you have looks8 y5 d! J7 L  \" |( ]
with full of pimples in face
3 |6 Y0 t) Q( W" @3 y, AAs spotting sky at a summer night) ?# ?3 K0 P: E% J/ H8 _, ~
They are shining stars& X! b, o6 i8 p, D$ ^" c
* N5 a7 Q2 Z2 R; Y" o
Your lip is so big
( Q" P2 |/ B1 f7 {2 P9 gAnd that’s good for a kiss
% V; r$ e9 ~; o1 o( m$ B6 [Your body is chubby
/ @$ v5 |( M0 w, ^; AAnd that is good for sex
) V4 ]. L. i5 V) \
' R; u, `- e0 T3 {1 ?% Q4 b- gI was deeply in love
. y; R; }9 B4 ]2 _Everything from you is positive
& z8 p' ~5 r3 K# N. f( oYou blame me everything and everyday+ I* l, s4 l% D; r5 _8 G
And I think all girls sound like/ W; Q6 x* ~! R

' r0 G( b, z! v5 U8 dYou could not stand my eating
) j1 i$ u4 Y' v/ s9 ~$ W, ]+ iSaying no good for making funny sound
4 B; I8 _; Z8 J  eI think you are perfectly right- Y3 l" L( w4 u5 x( S
Eating with sound is a pig
, g& f0 ^6 `& b: p; F% a0 ?! M2 a1 R8 c- L- r/ d3 k9 s. d( Z/ D2 K1 j
I fell in love with you
$ l% I0 b7 N& A, \1 r/ I% S1 [* MBecome a fool to think2 {5 Y% O6 q9 S: T
All trouble things you did
/ ~) }3 ]# s, w6 t! `  W5 k& `7 ]And that is the price for love4 X' }( S/ I  @8 n4 O/ R

+ Z' @. [6 v8 a& Wyou are deeply in love2 g: F6 Q5 d9 P2 D* @7 Z
Everything from me is negative
7 H. m7 {  E9 d. v/ j! ["My man should be like this,- L) M; ~) U  C1 U/ j
and I am helping you to improve'
7 ~1 o4 e; o  }
- M$ S+ h# Y, o, Y7 W) {, BYou are loving me
) D1 M5 z  H& g, F- l% Wor that one in your mind?
& g: z7 w4 Q+ L* h! mMy mind is like a mud
: ?1 w" A3 [" T2 Jcan be shaped whatever you want
, _1 X. u+ E% S* o( S7 t7 p2 R$ d% Q2 v- U: G
unfortunalety not my heart  r6 n2 D$ P: C, J6 v/ }
It is slashed by you
2 h! X  a) B0 v1 {# f. ^# Xand I am seriously hurt
7 }. G2 m% O. {& z3 }$ t4 l; Y: u
' d+ A' o! Y: k- P/ {+ }) }I will never love another ! J' O( b# _7 p* R! Z4 a
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 4 s+ X' I) `$ ^* [* u! D. _# h
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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- \2 l9 `$ O1 b1 `6 q* {- I咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!) g5 \3 c8 ?# g: |
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, , O4 [( k% w8 X, p% @. h8 a) y
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.. a* K4 m( X. _1 d
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
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3 V1 e7 N6 |% k- B+ Cwith the charm,! H6 H8 T/ ?/ C$ N, ?% S
with the simles.
/ @) K% [7 ^& H% Y6 KI fell in love with you   }% N& V( N* m# e  C8 L
In the first sign.
! r; s. j- Q5 R% h( C" VAs spotting sky at a summer
# f2 f+ w4 b' T: n9 b
: O+ {: k7 p% u& p1 `, @/ c) k% kYour lip is so soft - @9 j( W) ]9 G: ^) w
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ \5 D3 o6 X1 P/ j/ t8 k0 eYour body is so sexy! a+ l3 y& D1 f; f# F
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.% r5 A8 t2 b: V$ v& Z

# v# x# F/ M) y% X$ U/ i% XI am deeply in love. a" m: e' T7 O7 Q5 h
Everything from you is so charming
* @! k& y) v4 T6 k8 c/ dalthough You r so picky for me 0 m9 ]3 ?! T3 m6 W/ L* n
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
. I( y  Y# q+ n! B2 P+ [# pBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
% \8 A2 }$ y* l3 ?3 n( ]) {' w5 z# z* `7 X3 l1 [# \" Q9 p

, ~0 z7 M" u: U& Z. ?! f; j) rHis hello is the end of her endings
9 f1 @) i& q7 o& _. q# n) nHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
$ N+ d8 _# K4 @His hand would be hers to hold forever
$ i& R' _, i; @/ a# F, ]7 N! ~; ]His forever is simply as her smile
0 k6 `0 [4 ~& U- O' kHe said she was what was missing
( a0 W% `+ s; i- U3 F, sShe said instantly she knew; B) \: T' C& }. r$ E; c: T
She was a question to be answered& o" f8 R8 l2 Q" H  ~- q# }9 Q# W1 x
And his answer is
/ d8 z0 H# \# O& i, E. f+ hI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas' q% ^" V% _9 ^! B
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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It's amazing how I felt
$ W! e. @9 M0 k) O: a! Y# Z* Rwhen I was with you
$ r# g6 O9 T, S3 b# t  RMy heart beat so fast' K) D- ?0 D4 L, m4 W0 `
I looked at you and thought
5 k' `& J3 R* B8 ]; q# cHoly Jesus, you were so cute/ O/ s5 E9 _" _  o
+ R/ b% {) n4 U2 c
You left me without a word
7 f  D# C0 u7 a* FI have nothing except my emptiness
: ?9 ]( ^3 a6 D- X4 OMy mood is like a cloud6 l, ~9 m& E4 e2 C
How could it be dispersed?
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Feelings bite my heart . G0 B+ |9 b* i3 C/ h* U
You are the right one I wait
: Y/ ~6 S; f7 d, ]' K0 \In the depth of my soul
% L) t- U: A$ y% f/ H+ lI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ }! Z) k4 H: R- i* n# i+ W% P你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! F/ |; ^7 ]! h, B# G就和用中文写一次
; s  }  M; X5 B, V" B9 C阿,我爱你$ _: g# G# U3 q# z8 s
你让我心跳好快
, l  B. B, v  Z/ R( S; r% y你让我脸发热
! Q& J! m( `1 T) l! @5 f" z我爱上你的大嘴唇
& q( K4 |/ ]1 w1 K: o! a& }( N7 }/ lXXXXX
: c, ?1 ]0 l8 [' @不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
4 C5 B$ H: S2 ^" w* [9 V( w- b
0 s# X3 `2 a1 E如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
* s" k0 ^9 O+ w* f5 _* K& Q至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 0 W5 l& I% v1 l7 ~7 ~2 `9 L
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 ?4 U) |( ?! O0 R5 `" l0 K你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% n3 W, t; {3 M8 S就和用中文写一次" N% {2 Q- F# l8 T% O& v1 w2 ]9 H
阿,我爱你
* v9 p/ ?+ w  G  E5 B' `/ C你让我心跳好快  u5 m. Q( Y: ?7 m
你让我脸发热
8 E5 V$ a- T" y7 J我爱上你的大嘴唇/ s+ V* Q  ^) z
XXXXX
% B1 o2 p) I/ {, f2 ]不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
& d$ B0 K, M3 h$ C

' u% b9 }8 Z# K* h( h靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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