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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
% [0 s8 S8 L: J" ?/ L0 T" o7 `% \9 e0 a. ]1 H
I fell in love with you - w) c6 e" h. S: U( t$ O
At the first week we met
2 O6 z+ _9 X& v. x" j" g1 ~, K. t" Z, q# V8 K
You have charm, you have looks
: r0 [3 C, r% b- Mwith full of pimples in face, A4 k, J$ N! m# h/ i/ k! [/ A9 J
As spotting sky at a summer night8 G" U/ D) x; b
They are shining stars
4 Z9 |" w0 g. D. v' P+ w8 M4 ?) E- O5 t6 g; S
Your lip is so big
, D8 t* z, O2 g1 f1 `1 h4 w/ T7 EAnd that’s good for a kiss; W/ O3 m, O1 A& q! t2 Z& b
Your body is chubby8 l/ h* q0 y* Q- f
And that is good for sex
, R1 t  U8 n% ?, f
- o/ k# c- H6 F! gI was deeply in love* }+ M2 u) K/ C5 O6 k$ a
Everything from you is positive
0 A" a4 T( W% J$ n( W% e6 a1 FYou blame me everything and everyday( ~6 @7 l' F' j& |0 F+ \
And I think all girls sound like/ s0 _1 g6 }! _5 M4 U  X  u
, }. ~& A4 o. p2 w) t4 s! |& ]* v6 ?
You could not stand my eating. r/ f! T% W6 s3 a: K. c
Saying no good for making funny sound5 A. ?: p' W1 \6 v! R! i
I think you are perfectly right
; H8 S! i5 M$ GEating with sound is a pig
% P9 X  b+ g0 K: x1 o. G/ y7 ^" Q; P/ e
I fell in love with you
0 S# \$ \4 I" P. h8 lBecome a fool to think3 T( V: o, ~2 f( b
All trouble things you did0 s; `6 l5 y/ o9 _" g
And that is the price for love
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you are deeply in love
2 g$ R, Q$ A8 o$ W6 j# ]3 YEverything from me is negative0 p9 ~/ [% ~$ [. K
"My man should be like this,
9 }' |, A' {+ w) n$ G! P; i) p0 \and I am helping you to improve'( L$ c) W8 \: ^

  p5 B" ~2 Q. r9 Z! o$ HYou are loving me ' T" j' O! h* A. U4 |: \& ]
or that one in your mind?
9 g$ D2 U) f: W' Z" KMy mind is like a mud9 @, f1 Q0 {- H/ ]3 e
can be shaped whatever you want% D& N% `5 F. g, t. m
  Q& p. ?3 H) S' F1 P4 t& ]
unfortunalety not my heart$ |9 h! @, K" y4 k3 h6 K5 t: R
It is slashed by you 3 P. v& l) A7 O! g& n" e2 a* t
and I am seriously hurt
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) [6 i' r% S2 H- ~1 _) e1 ^* RI will never love another 8 G) t+ p! {, m7 r, q  ~3 b
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 7 Y3 I+ Y5 ]! w
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 b; ~+ r. s1 i3 a" @! u
" T2 M+ b+ k" o- K& z咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!' i, j2 `, A5 X2 L9 W* p3 q
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
/ u2 u' T. i, d/ [) z8 L7 D: Qi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.5 x& R! J. t- b. Z/ X- ]: r
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
( M% K* }4 D- }
# Z# O7 S6 L" T' uwith the charm,
- e! d9 b8 B. ?4 ewith the simles.
2 L9 O# [5 r3 S# }- g. D6 oI fell in love with you
4 t2 i4 [) M$ n: dIn the first sign.
7 T7 z- R% n5 I* [As spotting sky at a summer
% @2 A. U2 S. A% {( A3 R
# u# w+ ~  v$ o0 d; z2 O( R, YYour lip is so soft 4 h3 o1 J- k% G
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss; R$ q' F: x: r# a6 U
Your body is so sexy9 p+ v* N1 a* w* [3 n# u) J/ w$ h
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.9 f; ]: x" Y  ]# e) a
3 S1 M) z8 d8 M& T
I am deeply in love
7 w. j4 i& n  |" EEverything from you is so charming* o+ R. S( T7 g' d- \# m' G+ C, I1 E
although You r so picky for me
8 k  O+ V+ l" V7 k6 mAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.) W5 s' T3 S. I# q9 [
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem8 E4 A0 p+ C! z
# l; P. i5 D% R6 O/ F9 }

/ \" K1 h0 O" u: Z0 r4 w: ^His hello is the end of her endings# P1 r1 d6 d# ~6 Y/ x; y
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
5 ]$ b7 _. {4 X- j' `2 h2 vHis hand would be hers to hold forever
! M5 U* y* @$ O& ?- w/ o" e- J5 y! eHis forever is simply as her smile 1 z2 T) O7 y5 ]7 W
He said she was what was missing. f1 w6 E7 y& Q
She said instantly she knew9 r" ~% b7 l; e; t' {; ~
She was a question to be answered5 O! x) g8 {1 G+ R
And his answer is 2 H& }" h3 W% E) g* A
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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; x8 |( O/ f  Q( v+ xBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt$ E5 T( L# o5 y, D; v  I
2 _! p3 T4 W& ]7 z% P+ V$ c
It's amazing how I felt ) D3 b  G8 X% a6 C. M( t
when I was with you
1 W( J- N, L- A# z" ?My heart beat so fast
' Y/ T! _& j/ ~! XI looked at you and thought
' P: e% g/ n, v: e& ]! M* G! @Holy Jesus, you were so cute
3 j9 b: x+ _- A" j' h3 Y
$ y) ?3 ~( ?0 s5 e) vYou left me without a word
1 K- T+ Y. l+ s; d$ cI have nothing except my emptiness
% I% L, U5 U$ t" a$ e8 c6 w2 K5 {- L4 yMy mood is like a cloud
7 `) F4 {5 k* c6 \  J" T& WHow could it be dispersed?' s7 R* q: x: Y

! t: e$ n- \" w! z) t9 B; P% YFeelings bite my heart 1 x1 P% ^- o! A9 ?) \4 V7 b7 R. M0 f- @" y
You are the right one I wait
6 _, E$ G1 [% U$ gIn the depth of my soul
1 K  y0 R9 V$ \I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美' \) G! g4 i/ H$ K9 E
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
/ [+ P3 j  h! ~# E7 V就和用中文写一次
9 F/ H( `' f$ G# D. }3 o4 n3 E阿,我爱你' ]3 v# C# U0 X, a" q3 g# Z
你让我心跳好快- X! a( d" r/ |: O# C9 V
你让我脸发热1 K- p" {# u* u; A4 ?  _0 }6 s
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" l/ x% n7 D& P6 W0 n% r1 m& U6 YXXXXX1 N- z! c8 w1 R3 |  {
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?- }( o' R  _8 P; A: t$ M0 S( U4 e

/ a: O% i6 ]) l4 q0 O1 @如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
: y% e: w4 Q% f1 W4 O, U' {# B/ W至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
6 s$ P& |6 H7 B" m闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美2 T; V0 u4 e2 x; C! q( F/ z6 m. g' U4 z
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 n0 _1 M( ^8 H就和用中文写一次: z6 }- t% H$ H& |& v- S
阿,我爱你
0 _; `' m* S9 q6 ?; Q你让我心跳好快
5 O- R+ I7 j8 a7 x' q6 D. K你让我脸发热  e6 y& D0 s5 [- a3 {2 c
我爱上你的大嘴唇8 e' q7 M/ d# n  @+ q- n8 z6 h
XXXXX, o1 P# G! c0 M* z6 G/ _3 z
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

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靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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