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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
2 r5 v8 h9 F1 y0 t. p' [* K
% y0 U3 R9 c% O+ C5 h, {5 D$ c: UI fell in love with you . N/ k) Q4 x; X2 h6 s/ Z" q0 C3 P
At the first week we met
! G( }% v4 K2 [3 t* `' t
  p* e& A) y6 A9 R- V5 qYou have charm, you have looks
- o6 V6 H0 r) T4 r4 lwith full of pimples in face. e5 A6 H3 c: ^) ^. B2 ~
As spotting sky at a summer night* G0 P) X: m6 V
They are shining stars  y( s9 C: w4 M0 y
+ O% n' P! F, P8 b& X; ]  X
Your lip is so big
4 C7 Q1 U! l+ CAnd that’s good for a kiss( z: l0 v. Q- i
Your body is chubby0 D8 w- l8 Y( R
And that is good for sex
! R( B7 _; u1 f- C, t# O6 l% S$ U0 o" }- Z- W
I was deeply in love1 H2 `6 K' @2 `: e) l- ]
Everything from you is positive. v3 @) h6 s* g4 \- J2 X
You blame me everything and everyday
+ ^* m+ |" J! l1 i7 V; \7 q' l- k2 l6 |And I think all girls sound like* w/ w, B# B/ K% J" X7 Q9 i) e

9 q+ ?9 o$ I) h' p1 cYou could not stand my eating" w1 {3 O' e  i& V
Saying no good for making funny sound
! i" s7 R: F7 }( VI think you are perfectly right
& }8 v) Y0 R6 H. W( `, BEating with sound is a pig
0 ^( |7 A/ q& Y
2 d) ?2 B1 n; g/ c1 LI fell in love with you
  `! G/ L) H: |* U! B5 E5 P! aBecome a fool to think6 L% T) n% W; E+ J! Q5 U* S8 f: {
All trouble things you did
$ w. q6 s+ f! KAnd that is the price for love9 v9 |( H: o8 a& T. L. \# r! B: f

/ S7 l3 S  c$ Myou are deeply in love9 F* ?( _/ u2 W" V- o8 K
Everything from me is negative
( }& O  T+ ]. Z2 D6 l0 N9 W"My man should be like this,
4 z- V3 y/ K2 Q/ v& j4 t' A4 V1 e: X6 o/ Uand I am helping you to improve'/ p& {1 C9 ]$ S( L
: L( c/ z- T. Q' D
You are loving me ! u/ b* u1 B1 o3 K/ I
or that one in your mind?0 q; [# v: p/ `+ y, W
My mind is like a mud
9 P; c  N! i7 n* Xcan be shaped whatever you want
+ V+ e7 [& r& V. A/ ]2 [  y  m; ], B
unfortunalety not my heart$ F* `0 `# o8 Y7 e$ i
It is slashed by you
& N+ G2 D( p+ l, E: \2 sand I am seriously hurt  X9 }( F. m4 F: y

: A; E' Q% m0 Z% RI will never love another
8 u6 t  J9 b& `If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 5 a+ [7 Q$ H. D& f
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
5 m# u# ~8 {' s* J5 f/ j! b* E
# X' e3 m/ n3 x  E/ x
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
' y8 {% g) e; V4 t/ R0 N& q不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, . R. o" y* V, i) Y9 u1 W
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.  F2 }- n' [* B/ B: q% i2 ?
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
# @" x1 g0 `) y' s% P
( o, ?& D9 o2 S# U7 C$ s& b, }3 [with the charm,( q; I4 t1 q4 R& j2 n9 b
with the simles.
2 r  {) D8 v' v5 C0 @I fell in love with you
- i& x2 H' V3 y/ _In the first sign.4 k: L* Q7 N" Y% @/ D
As spotting sky at a summer
. _  Y6 u6 b# V$ y+ ~+ g4 m
# O$ O$ d& Z4 F" LYour lip is so soft
/ \2 a3 f8 e  J" j- nthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
' o9 ~6 q' w4 b- l. f* rYour body is so sexy
% p" ^. ~( j1 c+ ^6 \2 E4 vAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.0 [; j2 W) X& k+ j' I9 _8 V

5 C1 |/ l/ S; d8 _9 y& n2 K* mI am deeply in love
7 n, x/ ~. ?. B+ q$ J) W  EEverything from you is so charming* g  B+ Z2 }3 _* _! |, R" _$ Z
although You r so picky for me / c+ s: U* D( u" ^5 m
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.# C& ?& W- W# }( a  S+ R% ]
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
; S: p& a2 l$ W( ^$ [; X5 w7 d; ^
! u: q, }  L: S2 q
/ j2 A+ l$ k. \8 }" aHis hello is the end of her endings
+ n3 Z- G( ~2 I2 VHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
' K9 M/ A. ^, t: [His hand would be hers to hold forever
1 ?5 C* j5 G; v! F9 l! EHis forever is simply as her smile " g6 R9 L/ e4 \2 ^' d8 J' M
He said she was what was missing
) A) O* r1 b8 Y2 I+ QShe said instantly she knew3 U) g, f/ L% L; e
She was a question to be answered. s7 Y' z4 d0 z% L7 H
And his answer is 2 s5 Z$ |. N  r
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
. P- @* @. Y# s3 Y( E) |
2 ?+ k* a  G' J: L) tBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt' \5 X% s6 [  a

* h6 r' o7 g0 t* `It's amazing how I felt
" D: O2 {" W8 i) U2 w8 @* e/ ^when I was with you  }( p  B; p5 a
My heart beat so fast- {+ ^+ ^& j' r( D! K
I looked at you and thought
  q+ U& N& |& S& ?. q  `Holy Jesus, you were so cute- w( w! N3 @$ w" T
! I5 c9 q, i& H4 y9 \* C1 v
You left me without a word5 C) x6 E9 ~- z7 h1 L; r
I have nothing except my emptiness
. \1 Y4 E0 h' kMy mood is like a cloud
# @8 `& ]+ {% y, C" E7 B$ u1 O. SHow could it be dispersed?
2 o- E6 D8 S( p8 o' x# h! D* d
" y7 g( {5 ]6 X% a7 e1 mFeelings bite my heart , [' I# k* s! Y- {. ?4 L  y
You are the right one I wait  l' c' F7 `! O' Y# r* R" @$ }
In the depth of my soul
' c( \- b9 F% W7 I: v+ ZI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美6 [' g- z/ T$ d9 q
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道4 M4 v- Z! U- `8 s5 ?; D
就和用中文写一次2 F, C: K; n$ y. J# Y  G9 h6 Z
阿,我爱你0 _6 ^2 A7 i5 s# l/ R% n$ [# e
你让我心跳好快' m/ z' d( {& Y6 C9 C
你让我脸发热; m; `# Z! D; A* K6 k  z9 E, V
我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 {% l; E; N; _/ rXXXXX! g) M* c) M6 Z: b" p' i! X' Q
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?9 ~& t( U7 m8 _- n& F7 U5 q0 C

4 M' ~) x* ~6 K# m5 ~, ^如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER2 y$ G  ^0 \$ F7 P
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
2 ]: [5 r. K) J! i; L2 b) y闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美6 Z! o. G. `. S' O
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
6 ^7 {9 ]! b% k  M) n: k( [* h就和用中文写一次% I1 d$ D* d& L8 C" U! C
阿,我爱你
+ p- q8 a& h' U; g4 _. Y/ h1 ?你让我心跳好快3 i2 U- D% e* d2 e
你让我脸发热
3 V3 x0 S' R* |3 v+ W% F我爱上你的大嘴唇$ ^3 i) T5 V& t4 T# ?5 M# E
XXXXX
7 p  h& J) R4 J3 n1 o/ X% P不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

3 g" |' J% S% ]# b6 O# Y  ^6 c6 I* X/ \! O8 ?+ }3 j
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
大型搬家
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.  x$ X3 ~& u$ F
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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