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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love( }+ o; E: a- W$ j, }+ i+ p

6 c  s$ Y# [! k# u3 r8 ZI fell in love with you - ^) u* o" k$ V
At the first week we met
% S; x/ T/ M; z4 n2 ~" Y' R9 e) f0 O5 T. V
You have charm, you have looks1 O1 z/ S3 d; k, i0 w
with full of pimples in face
8 D! `' A& p6 k+ C4 A5 U9 O' SAs spotting sky at a summer night! D4 T: _, ?: i! d6 q( Q% o/ y4 `
They are shining stars
7 j8 F9 L# J- P+ C/ ?" o9 c+ z4 ~( V4 E/ y/ y# _
Your lip is so big7 n$ |; E: a6 i4 N% U# r
And that’s good for a kiss4 Z. b0 W- a# K: f4 t1 i% [# ^
Your body is chubby
9 m3 u. x5 u$ C* J+ nAnd that is good for sex, c9 c' S; P, {+ |

1 `5 v7 r& u7 n, t7 yI was deeply in love
5 F, I% `4 \- h6 c% m. {8 ]7 {5 GEverything from you is positive* `& @% e7 e! L& r
You blame me everything and everyday! H9 a& S9 S: R7 R9 f. Z/ L
And I think all girls sound like, o. Y: V: C" W" N# K6 ^' f- T: y' V

! ]2 m. E: E9 F# P, B1 @You could not stand my eating' w- T- B7 x2 j. t0 S3 [' s* ?# A" |2 ]7 ]
Saying no good for making funny sound
  a9 A0 G/ B. ZI think you are perfectly right
" l  ]# O6 ]- V' m8 sEating with sound is a pig
7 w& h0 v) e$ F# q& m
3 |5 L  f' c4 W" T" TI fell in love with you + U4 U" ~9 m1 p! N( k! l! W% p
Become a fool to think
4 c7 ]% O+ j6 ~+ |3 AAll trouble things you did9 a0 \* o7 j  \* z1 p
And that is the price for love
7 ]3 F1 |8 T' {! d, @% S4 d& v/ Y3 {0 z) T, }# A
you are deeply in love
$ v( W6 S6 N, c/ \& W5 ]Everything from me is negative' d% J$ ]$ B! j. e& {
"My man should be like this,
5 T2 T% r5 G" W, M- f4 y6 |& jand I am helping you to improve'8 w$ O2 ?5 U( d: T$ X9 W% m( k  s( t

1 s6 y' C: ^4 z7 j9 b! e1 w  z, tYou are loving me
, N9 {% {/ C8 G+ uor that one in your mind?) ^: S7 j/ K% d! p, \* G' R
My mind is like a mud& u, [9 C  ]3 E# E1 Z5 t4 y
can be shaped whatever you want. E% C3 d, y! h# W6 D
/ Q; o/ ^2 t: P; A& r: D
unfortunalety not my heart
/ Q8 f( I) b3 J6 cIt is slashed by you ; k  J" H; E6 {
and I am seriously hurt6 Z: ^% f' V4 E1 g# O0 o4 U
$ A$ e4 U% X: X' U3 P& q
I will never love another
1 e" |0 T! w) y! V: \* D5 Y- n3 kIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 ' p; I+ I* |0 ~/ R
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
; C& L' s8 K4 P# U
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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
- i/ ]5 a! R  |+ S. X不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 6 J! W( t; |; E, B1 M, W+ f, U+ b+ y! N
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks./ D$ g/ L5 A+ o  |- G
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
' ~2 J* s# c7 r" \+ B9 n5 j3 E$ K6 u8 D4 V1 C
with the charm,9 o3 H, f: c& C
with the simles.
1 Y' Q" K4 l; k% x5 X, X5 [I fell in love with you
* H! m) t% p. M) r$ [8 v; vIn the first sign.5 P6 `) {% i  o6 y
As spotting sky at a summer
# R- X. L) }3 F8 j6 j) h% Y2 m4 F8 L8 v" u
Your lip is so soft & ~, t: y8 J4 H4 |4 j+ L
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss& H% s7 i/ J" Y+ k8 \' |$ f
Your body is so sexy% x9 s' O2 \, s. V- t- d" g* f  w
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
. u2 v% N- F& c8 d( c: T" s2 ~
I am deeply in love4 x% V3 d& E* k2 q: R7 ~
Everything from you is so charming
: i  N, h0 N5 C* h/ calthough You r so picky for me 2 @$ @3 C$ |0 G; S+ k* U
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.1 Z: Z' e# b9 @$ h. q& j: F  g( P
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem* o" m4 [2 N  K+ @2 ^

6 i' f* W4 z5 C( y  x# z9 @/ f3 z! i4 a; h  k
His hello is the end of her endings0 o. m8 c" ?1 t* `9 g
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ G2 c7 d* m0 A+ P9 u3 YHis hand would be hers to hold forever
& F" i3 ~* w7 j) gHis forever is simply as her smile
. k8 g: J; L# }6 m4 f1 c# |9 q! IHe said she was what was missing. f$ {. A0 ]& @- x! H% U
She said instantly she knew, @8 u) o" S6 L1 P2 g/ v/ }0 G. ~1 O
She was a question to be answered0 i8 j- w: p! g/ ^! d/ }
And his answer is ' K6 r% R& D1 j1 k( C0 g
I do
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas# e" W" F. A* Q7 S; }1 \, s8 w
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
- \' N8 r+ `9 z) ^' r( q) n" |; C5 E# y' j
It's amazing how I felt
! g+ ?# x5 N+ t) B  G9 j- a: K* F' Jwhen I was with you
  G: g' q. U0 m+ f6 uMy heart beat so fast6 l( L. F. N3 o. N
I looked at you and thought8 d; T# \  S. p% T. C& C
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
  Q' v) B- u3 p* h! F" d6 A+ J. \
" s6 Q3 z1 p9 DYou left me without a word  z7 G& g+ k" f: h) }$ \
I have nothing except my emptiness
! c8 O  s6 r+ G7 n  O. ~) w( YMy mood is like a cloud; ?9 ^" a0 W; g4 y) i. G* ?
How could it be dispersed?
+ w% {1 y- e. [" [
3 @7 g; U4 N& F5 d# R4 |1 uFeelings bite my heart
; x, C/ M: V- n7 }. RYou are the right one I wait
' J3 E: a4 ^( l5 e  KIn the depth of my soul
( ~" E9 J8 _7 eI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美/ s/ q) i7 A. f$ d" T3 g( Q1 T0 e
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% T* `* J% d0 S$ ~0 E( C
就和用中文写一次
/ N+ T" k( B' A, R阿,我爱你
6 W3 K! |' v+ _. l& m, U8 S$ s你让我心跳好快
3 g9 A! F. o- w* N1 G: K- N  x你让我脸发热; \3 n! a; T2 x, H0 a5 X# n- D
我爱上你的大嘴唇
' Y9 S% ?5 ~5 ?9 W" F! E- |4 M4 J- eXXXXX4 G2 F1 X8 Z8 O  g
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
$ t: x4 e# ]% y" K, L  M
8 i8 g/ k* g7 e- D$ ?如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER3 h0 |0 o* k$ ~# w: J8 t
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
5 A/ U( A* P, t" c  x) P! i闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 k* E8 d7 f3 o* ~4 p, U你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) ?# y& i0 y, `: v就和用中文写一次  M& \' x5 q1 e/ u0 l0 x6 h
阿,我爱你+ F9 o" w* ?' O
你让我心跳好快
* ^% M  D% |9 U7 I2 @" N& s; p' i5 f你让我脸发热, S8 k% T# S' U# ]
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" Y" e0 s$ b4 N0 [" EXXXXX
! d6 h) x: w& ^' o, s1 N+ l不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
0 D0 e/ d  n; z3 V5 n6 A

! L* x. o# `" q靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.4 j7 s, K1 x2 U+ `! c; l- t; f
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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