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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
- v, q' e( t2 Z) x6 g4 f  E& i
2 X% X  t& F0 p, XI fell in love with you 0 q& n, Q4 {6 {* @" T7 d
At the first week we met+ g- b, g0 P5 U$ t& T5 e! h7 P

5 ?8 `* B( e: m2 eYou have charm, you have looks5 t2 P  L7 r& f  u
with full of pimples in face+ n9 J% J/ |6 Q9 |/ K. v1 {
As spotting sky at a summer night
( E' Z5 H' E4 K; P' Y* k* p- JThey are shining stars: j1 b0 _- \2 N1 r3 Q

% P% H5 y: `$ h2 C! U& oYour lip is so big4 n/ E9 b* u& O7 V0 A! q/ w
And that’s good for a kiss
' c' Y; I& `. C! n1 v* T+ T- qYour body is chubby
& w: E( q7 E$ Y. z0 l' \/ S  P" `/ V+ xAnd that is good for sex7 W9 M5 u+ v( Y" j; [
6 h( S4 S7 o# y2 ~9 K- r
I was deeply in love
5 v2 U6 P+ n* Q8 x$ lEverything from you is positive
0 [- ]3 O" n9 q3 @" e% rYou blame me everything and everyday7 b6 B, k. d: I& o+ Z% Q! g
And I think all girls sound like2 j8 I+ {2 d6 g/ q& K4 `' O

& F5 |9 M- f0 vYou could not stand my eating
; G6 E2 \, M' A# pSaying no good for making funny sound
; M) g/ m# u' c3 J( s) O. YI think you are perfectly right
4 I9 w7 F5 a; ^Eating with sound is a pig/ ]' M8 d7 j/ O# J; ^

! s1 ~& C) L  q7 uI fell in love with you
# b3 r' F% n* z& O% K% ]Become a fool to think: l1 v. x/ ?4 j/ I, Y! M# v
All trouble things you did
/ w0 v7 H" T, T) g( cAnd that is the price for love% y: K- C( |( z+ n4 `3 S* B
. G3 ?) \  k6 \+ b. Q
you are deeply in love* p1 \$ k2 n4 t5 x' C* G
Everything from me is negative
1 u8 Q8 R+ X( q8 H2 A4 q"My man should be like this,
9 C4 F9 L8 ]( M/ V3 U5 U4 u$ Mand I am helping you to improve'# V" ^. l: C5 h

8 a9 L' i6 Z" S5 ~& O& `0 dYou are loving me
- |' J& q6 Q% Q( e5 d: u  a& uor that one in your mind?
% Z7 H( F/ {% S: X! h" IMy mind is like a mud% S' G" y) m5 E
can be shaped whatever you want
2 F& U' \' c) J0 e( E- v& p+ O3 s7 Z! L! j, t
unfortunalety not my heart
, O8 g9 T7 s1 E1 {It is slashed by you
* `7 x& `! K; ^! d( `and I am seriously hurt1 R0 v) R8 K; l* [7 U. k$ G3 b
+ y, Q4 O$ t3 ], m
I will never love another
0 e2 E; U+ x. b- M" l+ RIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
% z5 Q8 J: U- smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! ]0 y7 Y3 f! a% ?7 A. x; o: K; K0 X
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!3 K0 |& Z0 K9 z  _4 P% d
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
9 X5 j% s, o" Y) ^1 n% Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
, S! y4 `/ s8 u/ HAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& O+ i  ~& k* z% i# H2 H) ]
/ B2 K* }/ S; b) v; b& j0 Ywith the charm,- F7 q- n, X  Y9 I# H9 }
with the simles.
1 o3 {1 q4 i" b+ l( A( ^I fell in love with you
' C/ \) n) ]: T2 D' j4 oIn the first sign.% s! O% l4 I  d* {# F6 Q% Z; `& r& W
As spotting sky at a summer 7 {' L, q# V3 E. r/ h4 @8 K' p
  g' S  B5 X  e) T1 O; o( I0 A
Your lip is so soft 8 H+ t7 X  `( `3 O; r
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss# B7 s- ^/ {: U6 V% \) o5 s
Your body is so sexy; J# y0 L$ v2 Y
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
4 Q# P8 A5 y# V
3 C; B% `2 ?' A7 n/ kI am deeply in love1 n) ]- E" R+ Y1 p
Everything from you is so charming$ M0 `' o( K% W) A, W8 T* _6 N/ X% [
although You r so picky for me
) b9 C0 z# v2 H% nAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
0 g+ g& u+ j8 |0 N' y, X' h; A1 rBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
. [* G& ~$ @* k1 r* q! d# W/ m
8 }; n" x  f% }$ N0 ^
( y8 Z" ~; A7 r* ^His hello is the end of her endings
! {  D, M: D0 ^6 I9 X( S% O! yHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle$ G, B3 W( [/ \8 [$ L# h- \
His hand would be hers to hold forever9 g6 ^2 {% {6 Y( r: [6 L
His forever is simply as her smile
- a. m3 T, D1 z8 y. V9 QHe said she was what was missing
# v( _& O1 X7 g* G3 n7 c3 h/ P7 UShe said instantly she knew0 m$ K# ~8 h5 u7 M- [
She was a question to be answered/ |/ E  J3 K/ J" g6 ]% S
And his answer is + D- B8 m& N2 h3 P- q* f5 o
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
% j/ F$ `+ e$ N: {# Z
4 P4 P6 k& `& F+ d5 JBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt7 v" Z: c3 t; F4 {

7 m0 H3 R' o0 v4 u; QIt's amazing how I felt
$ s7 m& B' w$ y. j6 h/ h, Q- V% mwhen I was with you
& i& F1 {3 L2 k3 V) e0 PMy heart beat so fast
* T( X; a$ D! k; m2 RI looked at you and thought8 N" C% ?3 @  Z
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
% a! B  {) n  ~6 J- F
, }# P& _# P- ~: X1 n5 [You left me without a word* R' e) {( i! V  \8 e5 M
I have nothing except my emptiness8 A/ l6 [7 P- j- [
My mood is like a cloud
8 C" X- m& h9 [' a  Y' X' cHow could it be dispersed?$ X9 B& h& ?0 d4 v9 b: [+ ?8 _

  k2 e% F2 ~7 _  F8 _2 QFeelings bite my heart 9 l; T3 W; f& D3 H3 }$ |" @: S
You are the right one I wait
, K$ ]  l! s! BIn the depth of my soul
, \8 j- c6 y$ B3 Z3 I+ n* C9 DI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 i6 j0 {4 W' q: K( g3 a
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
$ |. O" F- T0 C1 H7 P就和用中文写一次! |/ ?  R4 [% ]$ u: k
阿,我爱你" y: b+ i) q, f# g8 v: ?! H5 G
你让我心跳好快
6 j3 E0 N9 @- }: w你让我脸发热
+ a! g, O  v# \$ c5 l, Z我爱上你的大嘴唇
5 Y1 k; E% d/ ?% F$ Z9 n) cXXXXX
7 ~8 T8 l* A, r+ }4 k不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?4 {1 I$ p, z, O9 m9 \# I  G

6 k0 b. i3 ]/ T0 J  R如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
# g, Y  j+ T8 `至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 " h& x( e0 w! Z2 U  X7 z, p
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
1 ?4 I, _6 H$ n% }( F你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道' }; N* a/ U: Z6 J& Q+ h* ~& z
就和用中文写一次- T; q2 p. N6 G* r  X
阿,我爱你
; D- {, [5 s1 O你让我心跳好快5 l3 W* w, l* ^7 X8 l
你让我脸发热
% v' L5 |4 ?" N8 v8 {$ x# r$ I% A- |我爱上你的大嘴唇7 _% A2 |2 J% h5 ~
XXXXX  q, _" l9 E) [
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
4 I9 m: P& O# ~1 H- P! Z& X) [2 n
( U6 B% I4 W4 k; n" H$ @6 h8 z
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.& w/ M9 B! g2 ^3 }8 p
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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