我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
, K% U3 D6 Z( O
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
- b. m; K$ L* O8 W2 z
You have charm, you have looks
2 ?- @' L/ c# t' p- Jwith full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
5 A2 Q; g* a4 D. L- v
Your lip is so big
$ j- R: _" y) T! AAnd that’s good for a kiss
$ ?! ]$ f' W% W, r* c8 Y) N3 d; aYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
% a5 F  z2 I$ X5 `: y# ^
) \+ H- W' f- {, m! S4 A: k0 f4 CYou could not stand my eating
7 H# g8 @4 E  i4 ~- A+ hSaying no good for making funny sound
- m! B4 N" b8 _  F) [. g8 o( a/ v: pI think you are perfectly right
; B6 D4 N$ u# m& B8 z6 gEating with sound is a pig

1 T0 q+ B! C* l' F! ~I fell in love with you
, A, J" A% w2 L+ e' N2 R' |* nBecome a fool to think
5 }: z( K/ F6 h( Z# ]& h/ ?, DAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
$ C4 n  T: }/ m2 s$ n
4 L7 y) w3 C2 D3 [' a' Q8 S3 }# pyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
' O6 K9 U; j/ X( G  q3 V
You are loving me
* \) y2 a  B8 s+ Z  lor that one in your mind?
/ ]8 Y, r! r- ^" c' xMy mind is like a mud
0 g( c, I1 I! H+ y3 B+ L5 d( {9 Jcan be shaped whatever you want
! x" W% S" P. Q
' B  f0 P, n, ^9 U) S% m. ]unfortunalety not my heart
! ?# c9 Q- T$ NIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
- P. ?! g4 D9 u# W  P
I will never love another
6 z! S1 g0 q; i- u4 MIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 U, n7 v; q+ X
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
% }; b7 s+ L- q! `! D( z( e不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
  T1 Q( z4 M% e5 v- p% ~" D  xAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

$ U( |" m( E! m* ^$ K, Twith the charm,
+ [. Y: u" T7 Ewith the simles.
. `0 }  H7 y( K* }6 Q* H  zI fell in love with you
: o/ U% e4 @! T* v4 QIn the first sign.
# T4 V* ~) z$ x  T6 I# PAs spotting sky at a summer
  R; _* A7 n2 \3 l9 P( i# e
) w3 ^& P. o" g6 n: p: q& k7 nYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
: |4 Q6 w1 e* s1 SYour body is so sexy
- C' O. {4 |: r/ dAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
1 {$ I  V+ i0 ~8 B0 x) h, B
; C0 B; a$ ]' w/ {1 ?5 {I am deeply in love
& d- f( v: P/ V! P' pEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
9 h3 o. ]: q. AAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
0 Z7 k, E7 X) u3 @* lBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

0 _7 q8 C4 A2 d* E& o
His hello is the end of her endings
. A2 i4 |+ a+ r% O- J1 NHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
) t9 e3 x. @. V& nHe said she was what was missing
$ p2 A6 z% ]) h3 |% vShe said instantly she knew
4 H2 L1 t$ X0 v  J* W3 l  j& UShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
) f* `0 d' Z6 s: Z* `( e
, q  a- p2 Z6 f# F# CBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

0 q' y) A6 \# ^) q( F( W0 JIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
% u! g1 y  [" FI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

3 E* C% _( t; l; oYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
9 {: d& B  H* |  D! RHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
( v, j% x9 T) t/ R- AYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
8 m! c# i6 U7 kI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* R2 }! ?& t# K! Q7 H/ G( C- E0 v: m$ V就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
0 g8 J, A- q( D" e# W我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
. j& Y6 ~# F8 n) o闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
  Z' }# K) E! ]! j! f, Q我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 m2 S- ^. C& o2 O7 S2 q' bXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。