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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love$ Y+ A9 s. @$ A9 y6 s/ t

: N6 Z" z7 k' S1 O6 ^I fell in love with you , J( L+ b- m$ J$ V4 C" {% w
At the first week we met
' ]; p4 K* d  |* K1 T+ x5 b3 b8 ^- b7 v9 {4 Q5 C# a# M
You have charm, you have looks
# q4 V5 D( o8 e: B& ?! O9 ?+ twith full of pimples in face* C9 J" t) W) @
As spotting sky at a summer night
0 `5 p1 g8 i7 d! uThey are shining stars2 B6 V9 L$ g0 z9 t3 G/ Z

  d; w4 S9 a/ e8 d1 m' F, XYour lip is so big3 l- q; b; _$ r& ~2 E! M8 s
And that’s good for a kiss
2 ^+ u% A7 o% ^4 _9 W. d% {Your body is chubby. d) y8 N2 j% k0 j6 i8 r( o
And that is good for sex
0 \  v" F1 B& R! q* m
7 y; C" T  `+ ]  C- c! w  B& NI was deeply in love
8 g/ z) a; ^7 j! J5 gEverything from you is positive
" s. M1 r! k( c$ B4 s, N2 c$ KYou blame me everything and everyday
+ W2 r2 x4 @1 b1 h; oAnd I think all girls sound like
3 t7 a, x) L& S$ F, f1 ^3 X
# Q* f; t& m8 L: ~' B( gYou could not stand my eating) g* c% h/ W" L% C! S
Saying no good for making funny sound3 E: ~$ H* D5 D' Z; f
I think you are perfectly right
( @5 @4 b, {9 ?8 z* P) gEating with sound is a pig
$ _6 o$ r0 l( S
7 r$ T/ a' J, x! ], YI fell in love with you 4 ]1 [2 S/ r2 x+ L# @: C! H7 O
Become a fool to think" ?7 G$ t% d# G1 q
All trouble things you did2 Y) t. ~; p! }4 L
And that is the price for love
# u; T+ I( i. w, u) E% j( J' S, b. t( K0 z% H2 W) q4 b
you are deeply in love
# @, m2 {8 U* k2 e. ]Everything from me is negative
: ?" ~- b. q/ Y"My man should be like this,
& }+ c  M( F4 w0 N: u5 oand I am helping you to improve'
% a! \1 f, }# n) |8 \8 D: n' Q, C3 l: |1 N. ~+ v) k
You are loving me 9 N7 [6 Q. D) `) J. X; q
or that one in your mind?2 D6 ~/ T  t9 I% P
My mind is like a mud3 x1 B- y$ P3 y+ A+ X. g6 M
can be shaped whatever you want
6 n, K7 P" ]" A$ M) P+ V* y$ t& `0 Y, \* |* O6 P! R% k) X
unfortunalety not my heart
5 q& i! B1 l' [& BIt is slashed by you 2 q5 X; g9 O7 |8 f* \- [  a4 F4 N9 x
and I am seriously hurt
% a& |$ ?+ P. K; w" l7 A8 E
" K6 D9 o: b! ~5 r$ }I will never love another
/ V) k, @5 e1 b7 n7 }0 PIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
5 g6 n+ P4 S* g, [! E( b. y" Dmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
* R4 v+ }( `" u- {

6 E5 D% E+ @& ]) ^. I咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!0 ]7 |$ e3 [0 ?# B( W  f; R4 R
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
0 A7 @  ^  R3 D6 Ci am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
* w2 y" i) f' ?* P' y+ D1 pAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed3 `8 h: I' a) D7 b' O/ ^. F. o$ e
0 A9 v; _3 ?9 [& R, X9 P  d
with the charm,
9 E( \: ^& Y! ~2 I! O6 x9 awith the simles.: n6 M3 H/ R( _7 I5 a" u, [
I fell in love with you
3 Y9 \. i1 `: u: h' \. ?# L7 tIn the first sign.
3 n+ M3 c2 @( q8 Z# K. DAs spotting sky at a summer ) z. h! R% e/ r+ d/ |( }8 g; v
1 L5 P: X9 T# l9 e5 ^
Your lip is so soft 6 F. |, G) R- C6 D- A, j% T6 D
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
/ r/ y; p0 U) C; E5 gYour body is so sexy
: w+ S' G( g# y% G' K. J" BAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
0 X/ ^' o2 x7 O0 C
0 N' }( {0 w6 [I am deeply in love
# X2 c5 C' B1 {$ T  @Everything from you is so charming- y) F, v( _% V6 G
although You r so picky for me
. T$ _$ u. P) c. o2 `6 v: sAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.9 w7 t& ]6 {( Z5 `1 a  I
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
) v, O( `- E' p6 e) i% S# @, v6 g' f% O
' N, X" A9 Y) f8 H
His hello is the end of her endings
$ a0 c7 z/ @( wHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 m) u1 N+ Y. w" O: T. b7 UHis hand would be hers to hold forever
1 E5 a  b' [3 ?- y" qHis forever is simply as her smile " K1 w* e) Q, s. V) ?; V: W
He said she was what was missing
3 Q- o3 O% ^+ C& \7 yShe said instantly she knew( I. y. O- E- p7 n1 }
She was a question to be answered
: H! ?8 X- k. CAnd his answer is ) C  ]7 o! Y$ T) }* |& Q4 E, R  E
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
' M1 R% b" S8 ?* m, X- q7 r$ h0 i
5 m) _% A) N$ YBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt3 G- h; U7 l) z
, g# N/ B7 R  u1 w! n
It's amazing how I felt
7 G. S9 c& V8 u& s1 ~5 ~) qwhen I was with you
$ O; F  F9 s; _7 \# j7 J' rMy heart beat so fast: Z: d2 r7 m0 }) z2 @5 c
I looked at you and thought
4 w: s& M- ]8 O8 o7 N/ q; s* p3 FHoly Jesus, you were so cute; z+ ^3 d7 B( _9 T1 \# s

3 ?: O  C& L" o+ H" R5 h9 ~You left me without a word
9 z1 J0 a8 \' M* T+ uI have nothing except my emptiness$ x. i: q' Q" L: p$ g4 ?: y) q
My mood is like a cloud2 n/ J  Y  D* j. j/ c3 R6 l4 |2 ^
How could it be dispersed?
% O; Q8 `& |& P% M  ?2 [" ^8 m2 r: x9 k: q
Feelings bite my heart ( M1 L% Y  ?$ I* p( ?2 s/ R, e* k
You are the right one I wait/ w* U/ c* Y! A. I4 V
In the depth of my soul
( T- j% m  A5 E* s3 s( o+ p/ L$ cI will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. u+ x3 F+ s! w# J2 V$ l- y
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道+ v; }( t! ?1 ^: j
就和用中文写一次
! v9 p. Y* j4 u阿,我爱你( P" o* f# h4 r6 L5 ]
你让我心跳好快
$ A4 C2 z2 p& K6 k2 C: w0 t/ `( a; o你让我脸发热
7 n. W7 p  p) n" D$ J0 u( A我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 Y( S( t+ s( o2 i% RXXXXX/ y' `- d0 `% T  q8 B9 S, s! V% y
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
. A/ K7 R2 M* y  e1 `) D4 v9 w7 B5 _0 r: p6 o( ?- F6 E+ o) d3 o
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER* U. b3 P; V+ S
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 % X+ p3 R4 q- d$ [  ^/ I; x0 @
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美9 T2 C: `9 S- g! I; J6 R# l& a
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道1 ^( F+ l& p- b: `# B
就和用中文写一次
- t8 x3 r; h3 t# J6 y阿,我爱你
& H7 H' v/ v3 A! `5 B- d; R你让我心跳好快
$ w. o3 y4 J5 J- K你让我脸发热
8 E( D$ X. Q+ `我爱上你的大嘴唇
. x& F' }; H& f7 `, O6 W5 U+ DXXXXX
  B% S/ ^4 J3 f' k* ?7 x不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

+ N$ F# N4 q0 u6 w! `
* y8 B* J( J, d& m5 |) g: ?" Y( X靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
/ J0 Z+ _, C8 U1 \
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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