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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
/ `2 K4 s8 j$ {8 l2 k: H6 T, c$ v1 E6 E( T; W( h) |2 X. M
I fell in love with you * j9 \3 S/ C; P0 M0 D4 A' `
At the first week we met
! [; e' q3 K3 n6 g" h: N' e8 L0 x5 F* t5 W$ U/ d" v
You have charm, you have looks* T; h3 e- H# L% n, |
with full of pimples in face/ @4 w7 l9 F- A2 n0 e
As spotting sky at a summer night
5 \' t- ^* J0 O' l  }, N$ SThey are shining stars
. M) c* V$ C' `- |6 o
- J" [' v: L/ R0 n0 c5 U8 \' dYour lip is so big
7 x' P( e7 _9 WAnd that’s good for a kiss
  R: i7 M, u3 I: z  S- bYour body is chubby
1 Z' M5 q1 Q0 UAnd that is good for sex) y4 m+ g4 a; M

9 @/ E/ J  `  I" }- g5 vI was deeply in love
) ^: B/ \2 s& l9 u3 f8 p6 u9 ~Everything from you is positive+ K) \( A) z, k8 J5 Z7 J
You blame me everything and everyday1 o$ k0 L1 T, d/ ~( e7 ?7 V
And I think all girls sound like3 T: l* a( P! o, l# c

' ~3 i' p- N; v0 u/ E' u. GYou could not stand my eating
7 O: q9 S" j- u) p- g# ESaying no good for making funny sound  p' n/ Q1 g7 [5 n
I think you are perfectly right
6 ?, Q; d+ a* F7 \% lEating with sound is a pig9 p# m" O: m: f. a$ P. }

5 b( O+ [/ `2 o1 B6 qI fell in love with you
# V, p. e% l. o, gBecome a fool to think
" ~1 Z) I& f1 q9 Z7 P1 J) N! SAll trouble things you did
# i. o% a) m, g' M( x; L1 b- @, ~And that is the price for love$ \/ \9 ~1 b8 f) S
2 R8 |9 f6 ^6 V. |# W1 N7 k
you are deeply in love
- W* |3 L# _, i( a( e8 ~* HEverything from me is negative
& G& z! K* {2 W- b"My man should be like this,
8 ~6 X3 [  k; u) J5 ^$ E6 Eand I am helping you to improve'
0 t- y" h& g) W3 ?. @' w' m+ |
9 }! Q' E* }" H. i' C0 J' F% OYou are loving me
# ~, Y. c, C* S3 t" @- q) u! Z0 Zor that one in your mind?) s, M. Q6 X8 T9 K
My mind is like a mud/ e  _5 q* v5 @2 V
can be shaped whatever you want
! W. y5 H4 u4 c5 N2 ~0 r% R0 A6 V3 Y0 w! N+ J3 z
unfortunalety not my heart2 @# j6 G0 P" v. a+ G! e7 d% e
It is slashed by you
* v8 @& [  A, C2 Pand I am seriously hurt
6 N( B- Y& M, T8 {0 L8 M% f+ t8 d. Y! H7 q
I will never love another
+ M5 Y2 }" @7 \/ DIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
% U% a. p8 Y; Y, j! Jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

& T! g0 y6 I( U( d& h# c/ \
" ~. Y: @, c+ K: @# J1 X; R咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!/ R! R* Q8 `# S4 n1 ]- z+ D
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ; u: q! y! f5 X
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
7 P9 N' J9 T9 }0 NAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
# x. W* a2 U/ [+ e
0 n0 C. F" l% a8 J' Ywith the charm,7 Q) G; f& |  L( h
with the simles.1 Q; s1 x6 V; w+ z# y1 h/ k0 `
I fell in love with you 8 q0 k( a9 p9 E
In the first sign.3 b, r# a' G# x: S
As spotting sky at a summer 8 S4 n5 D- d1 d- K

  B- C! c8 ?3 U& t- [Your lip is so soft
: }  A( i# `7 E- Hthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss( B3 }5 [8 ?3 a8 z1 F4 [
Your body is so sexy  [% R: L5 ?3 P4 l8 X  a
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
: S1 K+ l* t" |# z( H, t0 t
7 s- D$ `) j5 U7 g) tI am deeply in love
) [1 l4 W- Z! a9 X  FEverything from you is so charming* x4 _+ d2 X5 {4 v+ r1 n! V
although You r so picky for me
7 T2 Q! x+ D2 T4 F6 H" yAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
- V& Z" U: K7 I  e1 B7 O) h$ ABut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem- Y2 Y. R' p2 }0 l  O" {8 F% Q' g

# a4 y& V: q9 h) Q3 W
( H: r9 y; L' jHis hello is the end of her endings1 n( W+ A3 f% \
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
9 U) Y8 Y9 p/ a& w" RHis hand would be hers to hold forever" }2 S/ n0 n3 x, Y
His forever is simply as her smile / t9 I; r% q2 R" Y( R
He said she was what was missing9 @" s" X2 W2 f7 N$ o7 u3 l
She said instantly she knew
5 s& H, p, C* V, h- K2 o6 X* DShe was a question to be answered
% |% n' E  ^$ \  `9 W' zAnd his answer is
% d7 k; L0 K. m9 T2 OI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
6 U- @" |6 _( p  P- u, M  m
8 c9 w0 R+ O' t  ^Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt% F5 D5 W! S/ E; T0 c6 O

* B0 ?* w  Q& q2 ~; z3 lIt's amazing how I felt
' P/ }( a2 n( V2 fwhen I was with you
( _4 O& i# a, Y2 v5 w4 hMy heart beat so fast
0 N' B! @) A/ q2 L+ UI looked at you and thought
9 l# j, P! v/ OHoly Jesus, you were so cute
$ m% V2 B, h1 k2 b' C# w3 H* R+ h$ V* k) N* A+ C: {; g
You left me without a word
7 L# q9 y2 l/ a8 N8 A" k' P6 T% xI have nothing except my emptiness
* l5 g' _( P' ^& kMy mood is like a cloud
3 S4 T. |2 ?$ O( B6 _; w3 YHow could it be dispersed?1 O4 W% B! b8 c1 o  F( c  w
& h4 W9 r1 P1 k6 A
Feelings bite my heart
* M# F" Z/ j( o- w" JYou are the right one I wait& J. _. B8 ^0 V' R
In the depth of my soul
) n' z6 Z3 \& N8 B# J; nI will love you till I'm dead
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美$ V3 k+ K- y0 a% f7 U
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 y1 @# V3 d. }) Q就和用中文写一次
6 q% L) q' j+ O8 j& S! b+ x阿,我爱你% N7 I* i8 F0 i8 y$ d
你让我心跳好快) @3 a  \- j) x; m6 U) C- g# ?
你让我脸发热3 y' z# t) b+ C. C
我爱上你的大嘴唇9 {) e( W! Y) ^6 S) ~/ I2 T
XXXXX! i4 ^/ E9 n' k+ ^8 l. {' k5 f
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?, l$ v/ S2 ~" C  W. g/ N) N0 h
+ ^( K9 f# q! p! o
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
+ w/ q2 I  [: ?. D% l, [至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
# W$ }* l7 s: L! l闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. d* l+ ?0 K! N) _* `3 N
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 n. a- ~  _/ L6 Z! z就和用中文写一次( _8 {- o: B* i# g
阿,我爱你- U% ~5 q* h: M: u& o8 B
你让我心跳好快
# f) x; F9 V: J0 w* \6 p% ^0 A7 `. ~) r你让我脸发热" [4 X% a7 t$ R9 d: D
我爱上你的大嘴唇+ X* b5 ?3 ^7 v1 c( e, X2 N/ o
XXXXX
8 m/ v6 \& t* Y* d9 k1 v不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

! [1 ^- O3 b7 v) ?- w
2 T, _$ m7 J8 b& C# a) W5 @) X, V% e* C靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.1 A+ j; d+ l& J( v
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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