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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love2 o& r. n( v8 v" x
; x) f. Y  t! R) |! ^
I fell in love with you 7 _9 W* }, j" L, d* ~1 Y% \
At the first week we met1 s& e8 N0 Y! }. S9 [
! I! C8 n& Y  j( A, Z- d
You have charm, you have looks  N% }' r4 I- a
with full of pimples in face" `7 h0 Q9 _# K+ C# q
As spotting sky at a summer night1 G+ \* ~; Y1 d- H5 |
They are shining stars
& S  Z# Q) G2 e8 y) B. m/ z% E  H4 u  N. ?5 T/ U8 s4 o
Your lip is so big$ ]4 a/ {2 l' O7 I1 ^6 e/ o
And that’s good for a kiss3 f6 u4 P$ ~- N" ?3 `8 |8 g3 L% j
Your body is chubby
1 L$ l: u9 b0 F% f' [& w, ^: BAnd that is good for sex* z$ Q# U. X+ [5 D

8 b; f2 @7 A+ f: o( u  d1 l/ k  mI was deeply in love  O' o# K5 @! `" }" h8 t
Everything from you is positive: G( `# h" a" X" |  Y& W
You blame me everything and everyday& M/ Y  I0 z# u5 r! w9 B& R
And I think all girls sound like5 }0 b8 m5 h, S! B3 A. g% p
  G, D; T$ c6 q7 K
You could not stand my eating: G9 o, N  i6 z$ [/ z2 q
Saying no good for making funny sound* z2 I9 I( J: @% `; i) F
I think you are perfectly right; |, k$ m7 t( w4 q9 d$ @
Eating with sound is a pig
. N+ @7 X  L; @) K6 S0 w. A% F
6 J, g7 Z3 A% HI fell in love with you
- j* D  w1 K5 M$ c' f3 IBecome a fool to think" Y* \) j: s$ d2 C" q
All trouble things you did
, z/ ^0 q4 |6 ]# ?$ ~- ?+ E( EAnd that is the price for love
/ i! D* P, p- J8 T8 A! q! J& h; Z3 B: S; P3 _  \: w; d
you are deeply in love* r% t& r# q- P9 F
Everything from me is negative
! e/ A7 \) P! X4 a" r"My man should be like this,
, _9 P1 O% U# y5 ]9 Wand I am helping you to improve'
( h) ]0 ^4 ^6 s, d2 B; |/ M- a# I; _0 O1 Q  Z* p1 d& D
You are loving me 8 L8 I7 I8 T! g8 C9 _* Q
or that one in your mind?
' ]5 A/ G$ b1 R; a: W8 Y' aMy mind is like a mud0 k, s. P- ?# W4 _) I: i& r; e# e
can be shaped whatever you want4 e0 s% E, `4 G! V
2 U& \) Y0 b  B# u
unfortunalety not my heart
# o$ c# {; t! d$ b5 R$ L! Q# kIt is slashed by you
$ |; w5 t, h1 X1 e6 Jand I am seriously hurt9 ~- R4 {+ @  h3 r0 {7 k9 B
1 r$ C; |/ G2 \( ~- l; E
I will never love another   T& g* z1 u9 U: `- b
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 6 `2 f+ e$ k( l) x  v- ]
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
7 v! s0 P1 s4 W

; N  \9 O  Z! B咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!9 t9 K6 n8 d' |0 x9 n
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
# X$ G& G) n9 e( J# k( M% \) t4 Fi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.: v6 U; u* E  B( ~* E3 L
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed0 p/ n+ {4 \& C: x, k: O/ M3 l* v
5 ]* `9 U! R+ t' F/ T3 h4 M/ T1 }
with the charm,* P7 S! _0 L: Q3 G; x7 M7 R( j% a
with the simles.7 [# c( b4 p( A1 q+ ^- L1 ^1 |
I fell in love with you   O7 p; x  S2 ]5 ^, Y1 b
In the first sign.5 i& R5 A# a6 O# `, i
As spotting sky at a summer 5 }2 K" @6 v& S8 w5 y8 \. H0 M  k! S
( K) o3 S- R* {* A" s) o' P
Your lip is so soft
& \1 h$ h0 y/ Q2 N" }1 `there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss+ n9 h5 V. W/ s$ n* B8 X: v
Your body is so sexy
; d3 j( A7 y$ Q& A/ ?0 i9 _/ \And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
) P% g4 @2 I. h( H5 J* W' ^# R+ u0 i/ Z! k
I am deeply in love
# H% V. ?# K* j: @/ C) A$ [Everything from you is so charming
7 b9 G  K& g# d" T8 P; _  S* h3 c3 `; J" Walthough You r so picky for me
) ?4 G# p- x5 F, S5 L1 B3 oAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
, d6 x; E1 v3 I4 nBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
+ w5 n0 g2 p  Q7 h1 _4 S+ }- v* o) W) b3 Y6 l1 e

2 r" [" x4 R+ R$ qHis hello is the end of her endings
' ^. |2 }1 H: N5 D# {Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
& u  e! x3 S/ u; f0 G. T7 OHis hand would be hers to hold forever" X9 O" l% T& b0 ], k+ i
His forever is simply as her smile $ }! u: o  Y! t& |( G
He said she was what was missing
% j9 E& f: r: m0 g" F+ wShe said instantly she knew& `/ K6 ?7 h* R+ g, i9 W) m3 o) a
She was a question to be answered
% F  V% g$ j  |9 |And his answer is
& d) f3 c$ U/ lI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas4 d' r# q  B; g% J

; F! Q% `% h& c5 A% Y1 d0 A! wBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt/ W7 |- S/ J6 \) H$ D, M* Q( Q& d; k% \
8 D; `2 x6 d2 e" f# l
It's amazing how I felt ' H" T; `$ I$ v; x: `
when I was with you
. u1 s$ J4 X0 [4 _# fMy heart beat so fast
" u" s, N& ?, {! w: U5 EI looked at you and thought
3 U/ F5 ^8 r* a9 D' WHoly Jesus, you were so cute( m8 W# v# V' t2 U9 Y7 e' K, Y
7 Y' o% h- N" v+ R9 w
You left me without a word) s7 [6 T% b( @2 b8 g( T9 O
I have nothing except my emptiness! i, O5 P* ^5 d& s3 B$ M, p( g
My mood is like a cloud' w7 F: \: r; [% W2 @4 _
How could it be dispersed?
# P) _" C( J$ S8 s5 {/ |4 j* g" a" F
7 y2 Y& l# Q: Z$ y& Z4 HFeelings bite my heart ( t& t; @0 y, X4 S. S- C
You are the right one I wait8 F& Z) A" J0 H% ]. E+ E
In the depth of my soul5 l! A9 e+ X) h$ k& J
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美# J, W" U3 F+ d7 E: }
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道/ U7 ]9 W* x3 l- B
就和用中文写一次
# e, m5 `4 }, g3 \阿,我爱你
$ n+ t$ f; j; `: s4 s4 ]- R你让我心跳好快
4 r" A6 {% u3 N" l0 Q8 }你让我脸发热
4 c/ G* u7 {) r2 I) w! m- H; X. m我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 _# k1 _5 r$ z2 I3 I1 P" PXXXXX  Z) q% D! @/ I9 r1 v: s, ?
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?! X! w: _# t/ r* Y2 T; i' M& \

) K0 s1 e+ [, c如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER/ V! d9 a. _/ E1 {2 X2 T( V1 S
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
# w1 \+ b  F& x# b1 U) h# D闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
' y, I  q8 o5 D* X1 {# E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道2 _- X! B6 }. C  \9 i. H# X/ Q7 j. x0 G
就和用中文写一次
$ Q3 X6 b7 d, s阿,我爱你
; w' J" [/ k6 _8 J  m! Z你让我心跳好快: R0 ]7 ~) K3 L' u/ P
你让我脸发热3 G3 c2 @4 K8 c+ j" Z+ S
我爱上你的大嘴唇8 W; B" Z# f% ^
XXXXX( N6 a" l5 u0 n. F  }
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
  \. h9 k3 N2 k, o3 S
7 y' o8 F3 a; c
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.# T0 N9 V0 \) s: [, _2 |5 Q+ m7 h! c
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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