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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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# {( x; J9 I# |! z1 J# UI fell in love with you
5 T( n" g" @* r# v8 r* rAt the first week we met# C8 a4 g( p/ `! b: A, p! x! a
! e" u3 q1 X3 G  y- j, t3 @
You have charm, you have looks* x& I6 j* F( ~$ d  D7 d" p
with full of pimples in face1 |  m- J! B% ]' ?* O
As spotting sky at a summer night
7 t+ ?1 D9 X- cThey are shining stars
9 g) K9 t* p4 D) N- A. ?* t" T5 ~- \& t) A) y
Your lip is so big
. g! Y7 [4 \, l" z( eAnd that’s good for a kiss
7 r0 Y9 D) |: z9 t. JYour body is chubby1 l6 L. \+ U( B$ V1 P; X
And that is good for sex
5 _+ g5 M/ L* D
8 a- [' D8 M4 [) L/ v5 X/ ZI was deeply in love6 ]5 l, k* u% {* C) k) K1 }" q$ G
Everything from you is positive! H# l  H7 i- {5 a: i* e; u
You blame me everything and everyday9 x& {: a8 s& X: \' \
And I think all girls sound like
, P9 [+ h% {9 y1 {/ z9 H* ^$ m) f- h1 H$ f
You could not stand my eating
/ V0 i! _+ Q) a3 R8 y  bSaying no good for making funny sound
! m0 T0 m6 h/ a$ F3 A) }  wI think you are perfectly right. Q. @+ g: `5 x
Eating with sound is a pig5 g3 ]; C  B$ _* d

/ H" h/ k7 w# e0 H. s5 N( N1 vI fell in love with you 4 _1 l3 v7 Z: t7 {6 }9 ~- y4 e. o( u% i5 x
Become a fool to think% G* X% h, G) T6 i$ @/ s
All trouble things you did2 ~$ d" \+ F& T9 B
And that is the price for love
3 O( K- H6 b- ?; f+ Y: }7 ]) j1 H
you are deeply in love
9 i+ R( n/ ^1 x' r! T. _Everything from me is negative1 X/ o! s. w% \# ~' B- `6 `
"My man should be like this,
8 r* m/ l/ v$ e6 J2 _  W3 x- xand I am helping you to improve'
4 w& l6 B" ^+ P/ l, C
8 @/ Y  l( A; M5 I6 ~# h1 i* WYou are loving me : h  H! g' e; X1 U8 x
or that one in your mind?8 y, [' t9 p' i+ z! o4 P
My mind is like a mud3 k- t" Q) m* ]7 s9 ?" `
can be shaped whatever you want
7 n" N; z/ L2 G8 _. P
1 k& D- ?; D4 F1 e' b( q1 Uunfortunalety not my heart& ?4 W) F0 k" T/ F
It is slashed by you 6 Z3 C! J" D: h" W- R, |* E0 z6 J
and I am seriously hurt, N' k# X) C) N/ q! K
& |1 ]/ Z1 [! Q, n( y! t4 A
I will never love another / a/ l4 R0 D* P4 O
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
7 v8 ]8 M3 U9 g6 S3 U$ H1 Z5 Cmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
4 |, m) e' c9 v& e

, }0 K& P* m+ \1 ]" W咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
- v2 }0 }  ^* m, Y; H不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 4 {% @6 k0 F4 P3 u
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
" F6 ]/ ^3 B' gAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
* c$ Y6 Y0 ~* F9 |8 Y- y' @, t; _! }
with the charm,
5 I' z0 |/ i) A' z6 Fwith the simles.
! ^5 Y1 b$ w; _6 m7 EI fell in love with you
  Y$ k' L9 e8 K  g1 d/ EIn the first sign.4 |. `5 ?; @: H* c" l
As spotting sky at a summer
/ E' q9 h" Z, T4 x: U4 G( G/ Z/ U0 M7 q7 T, M
Your lip is so soft ; l5 s& N  a# L' E( C
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
0 [; a" O5 ^/ e4 r/ |* ]: e$ ~Your body is so sexy& b) i  O$ s8 {# L1 g2 J
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
4 C) s$ h' U& z2 j& E; n3 ~. e. I& i" N# t% a- G) k  D
I am deeply in love% F- Q% R5 o4 f8 b; G" j( h/ `
Everything from you is so charming! [1 V  ]2 @3 Z; g) d/ ]/ ~
although You r so picky for me
9 |8 d& y1 C; L( e, N1 pAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
% A( j5 a  s) A0 S3 @But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem) C4 d3 L1 L- F3 J' C
- t6 a6 Y" x/ W2 J2 n% G

3 U4 S/ O0 J# ?) O- fHis hello is the end of her endings! O8 K9 n3 U' A) Q8 u4 |5 n
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle" @/ B+ `& m$ I7 X
His hand would be hers to hold forever
: M  q! T! X' B) ^; o( MHis forever is simply as her smile
4 t! q* K8 n: P: QHe said she was what was missing& v; v2 d2 F- H* Z4 d
She said instantly she knew
6 L8 ^' v6 a8 K/ r3 W4 H3 UShe was a question to be answered
& c( Q8 [! d( l& F4 x/ u5 ~: rAnd his answer is : N  j3 \4 @$ X2 |
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
- H# |  c3 V) z
% l( N$ e  l% lBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt! A7 C& v1 t7 f# [* J  X+ e& X
6 m" M% z3 V) P6 R
It's amazing how I felt 2 W) {7 \) H$ v# n. {' e
when I was with you
  F2 Q% ^; L. eMy heart beat so fast
4 M% Y! C( _  o  m/ _I looked at you and thought* L- _. G! }% Q+ d, l% {" y
Holy Jesus, you were so cute$ a; y! D2 l2 d$ _9 w7 n" x' h
1 D  w$ ~" k; l/ }3 S; K
You left me without a word3 x9 Z+ ~' J: k) g8 }
I have nothing except my emptiness
, T2 {2 O% [0 a, G8 a- |My mood is like a cloud
: a8 x( \4 @  x* SHow could it be dispersed?0 h4 C, m' ~6 v7 d
' l* ]; d- Y1 n7 D
Feelings bite my heart * Z+ e2 z9 c7 u& Q% a6 F
You are the right one I wait
1 C2 p" ^1 T, L5 O4 R0 o; f! w8 KIn the depth of my soul
  q" |/ `) H9 r1 D( h0 PI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
) g3 }5 O. p- V. v5 Y6 U) J) l你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
  r5 X7 ?& R- w* T就和用中文写一次2 j! p3 z, }1 H% o2 \2 V% e6 d
阿,我爱你; c7 i# m' l# @% q1 a- y. J
你让我心跳好快. `; V. t' a: `2 D
你让我脸发热
$ A. ^0 M* ^: Z$ K我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ T2 h/ h1 u  lXXXXX/ R4 h1 y6 Y$ M2 O
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
' m+ S) x  y: h. D/ P  L7 v4 a6 ]* t0 o% `% L+ a% L- y$ m
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER( w* m( D" k. ?7 o
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
7 k4 T. u3 j) G# H1 p2 @) F闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 v9 Z! Y$ {/ z你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ h# z# O' f2 L" b就和用中文写一次
6 j% D+ l. Q: S; e3 q阿,我爱你6 g9 w; C' M) o2 k
你让我心跳好快
* q/ m, j8 c  H* n& ~# l6 U  d5 v你让我脸发热
; M* Z9 m& S( M1 v1 J我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 r+ t, T2 ?# ]; [; NXXXXX
9 v6 S/ S, V6 I* ]不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

+ `: J) K2 r2 Z8 q( x3 ?! t2 J3 o9 g7 S# r1 ?
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
: Q/ e2 s, D! d/ R! ?- v$ i
大型搬家
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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