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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
% t% A2 k: Z9 }# G# a7 F# _4 k$ }$ ~/ L
I fell in love with you
& p" e- B" F( L# @# p) kAt the first week we met3 H8 w6 i" R0 b  f; ]0 Z

( @3 n/ e# L! c* {' |5 q4 m4 SYou have charm, you have looks/ P1 Z( r1 t2 Y
with full of pimples in face# r2 `% E1 f$ O" j9 f8 j
As spotting sky at a summer night
, Y* S  B7 f9 c, qThey are shining stars
7 k) d& r7 u) P& B6 H
: k: g, p" |" G& k* HYour lip is so big) i" ]& W, u* \, A9 ]: Z; z, H1 s
And that’s good for a kiss1 S" z7 t3 v* A  @: b
Your body is chubby
& z+ N6 o# x, }* dAnd that is good for sex
4 H2 G% `" S' B+ i0 q$ x
5 z1 i, U8 W/ m: oI was deeply in love
* e; r) i1 k9 j& L) cEverything from you is positive
# |9 H+ W' I6 b4 k% IYou blame me everything and everyday
8 D8 I8 M7 i: H3 b9 CAnd I think all girls sound like
9 L# N' [3 m' s& W* l5 u! B% p# p2 T* M9 Z0 }6 }6 l
You could not stand my eating
  {3 H& w2 [1 y& ^6 VSaying no good for making funny sound- m* A9 G8 a, W
I think you are perfectly right; S. p+ u1 U2 N9 W% W! G( T& F
Eating with sound is a pig
( T% K9 y, G' J% k+ R
4 B  W" Z- U, I& R% E. JI fell in love with you 4 ~: e& t, J4 i3 s0 d$ F
Become a fool to think: P3 r; n+ R* D, I, K# s
All trouble things you did% Z! M8 a- a# H7 q, D( k" |
And that is the price for love
; w8 Z2 C  A, ?8 @% A; l/ h3 W( d! p$ g+ q" e- K5 r  T
you are deeply in love
6 f& F  t. ]2 u! Q4 \" M3 c( vEverything from me is negative
  ~' [) @' r) Y5 w; \9 |"My man should be like this,6 ~& z0 I) Q6 M8 Z+ P
and I am helping you to improve'
- c/ Z. r: }! h- h3 t0 D
) S* Q8 A4 h+ Y% @1 ~8 AYou are loving me ) _8 C3 v& H3 Z$ c4 N
or that one in your mind?
0 e0 X% ~9 Q% V# f, h  b( cMy mind is like a mud
; x" D3 K$ w- a! r' n2 ]can be shaped whatever you want
( D0 C4 S0 v& Z& x- c: ^  R6 a1 h/ E8 j" S' A+ x3 U
unfortunalety not my heart3 U9 g1 v& v* F! Z: p* j7 X
It is slashed by you . R% @( L, G6 B8 n4 ~
and I am seriously hurt
- Q4 f8 p5 a9 b: a" x7 S2 ?) b" {% J+ x5 Q' {: X
I will never love another
$ B. s9 ^, P$ [If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
+ ?; x$ g/ O$ I; Bmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! V/ C' H, q( ~1 B; q9 G8 \- ]* S2 S* G6 ~9 D& \
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
( v6 \, A5 }7 l! b# s; X不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
* d9 k5 m8 q( @# P- ]8 t. p9 hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.) d3 |+ _7 E4 J6 K7 J
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
9 }% _) R& f5 \" s+ H9 ?7 \0 K" }! v* u) a
with the charm,. j8 y5 x/ t6 e5 ~7 x: y# z
with the simles.
2 A, W) I  _$ {1 NI fell in love with you 0 P3 R2 s4 Z' U2 d7 l  K  ^) I7 l
In the first sign.2 t+ m' ]+ L  K; D
As spotting sky at a summer
7 {- {, `5 o* |4 x2 t5 c! t$ G2 A3 s; m6 f: h4 x/ I
Your lip is so soft ) ~% X& t& l: G) F% a9 o
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss4 ~' @" I7 Z. C& T7 g
Your body is so sexy
/ s7 s, V$ _; y1 I8 MAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
% R% K8 H8 m& ]- e' J5 V+ V5 R+ H4 e7 [5 P
I am deeply in love
/ [' {, c% }  q4 ^9 o% S$ GEverything from you is so charming  k: r3 f; Y" \4 B* h
although You r so picky for me
/ \" }* j: i- ]: {. ]' c+ bAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
  P# ]) t% [7 z" z/ O, }/ g& f3 m# S4 IBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
3 g" i" Y: Z+ F4 }: F& D8 m% P
8 Z+ }% p+ T$ k" T% y: }! i$ {! H5 n' V* ?1 o: R, Y  e
His hello is the end of her endings
5 x  c) t: e" m- }  NHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 k" h) I0 `% d2 F# vHis hand would be hers to hold forever
% m5 {3 G& P6 K: u' u7 zHis forever is simply as her smile $ g" z! [' \' m# J4 Y7 w$ U
He said she was what was missing% j0 a# W% Z2 V3 Y) ?: E8 F+ m
She said instantly she knew9 n' E3 @# H, Q0 ~6 ]; ]
She was a question to be answered
% c9 h7 @; G+ W1 b) ~2 A4 KAnd his answer is 1 W5 P! P/ F5 h7 S# n0 I& n1 ]
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: c6 i1 f. q0 v1 e' K; A9 @4 X
  C5 L1 y/ B2 Y1 c' ^Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt4 l; r/ W3 p; f+ ~3 u: M* ]( g* R

6 b7 u6 J' V3 [5 R0 V) BIt's amazing how I felt 1 r5 z  B, f5 W! Y
when I was with you) M& t8 r( U" W" A" t
My heart beat so fast0 Y0 f) ?3 C) L: Q1 V
I looked at you and thought( N3 }, ]( o! F: F& A& V
Holy Jesus, you were so cute: S/ t7 C" K( M7 ]; p* R

- f/ X' E/ n5 `) O- ^$ _You left me without a word% j5 R1 Y0 g  P0 j& u' }
I have nothing except my emptiness
& B  R8 F7 X4 s2 oMy mood is like a cloud, ?8 \  `4 }* t6 ~0 L
How could it be dispersed?
0 a' g  y& u( S: Y, E  Y3 ?( w" {4 i( O5 o5 n0 K: `1 O' ?8 l) C- Z0 L$ o* f
Feelings bite my heart $ I# o" H9 H5 J
You are the right one I wait6 `3 y/ v2 M+ |( K# K
In the depth of my soul
1 x2 j. V/ T5 d9 A# f- }. D& {, GI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美5 J# ?- ~  G0 R3 z
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道* H) ]+ F, G) r7 `/ o: J
就和用中文写一次
) s4 Y9 G) C  f& _$ J1 r+ O. B阿,我爱你
* \3 F7 F2 \5 V; R" G你让我心跳好快0 d; L6 J% K/ ?  I; O
你让我脸发热' n7 y; c0 v' [- ]) Q
我爱上你的大嘴唇
, U. o# e6 G7 B$ A5 v3 W0 `XXXXX+ \  D4 Y# z  z, P0 b
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
* B6 i. v6 `3 D( b2 `; M% m# A- \" ~
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
7 @& h$ S9 Z7 t0 t1 r至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
. m7 t2 [/ n& [: O) X闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 _! K' I$ ^. U0 M: Y4 W  |3 B4 S
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
  z3 b) ?* I" d% O5 _& p9 _' G就和用中文写一次) ^, H& V. F. w2 F- }
阿,我爱你
; q! l* Z/ \' z8 s  _: B" l你让我心跳好快
" V; s8 B5 J. v  X% h, G2 ~你让我脸发热) X; \. D+ [7 a7 m. ?& e" |
我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 w, b0 \, R. w, @1 L8 _XXXXX
5 A+ l8 {9 ?5 t- i2 |不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
( }0 X7 Z& L8 e

. v+ J. x& V' h, g  b5 ]靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.8 a% }# z( [; S% {$ \  g
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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