我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
( C" P! {! y  b& U
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
# V$ V/ \+ U) [: @% v7 xAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
' I2 K0 b  x. n* ~Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
5 a3 Z  z0 J9 ?. F4 g$ l' q9 y! FEverything from you is positive
, N4 P& B9 B' c) T+ j" x- C% AYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
0 B: u  b  j# y. }
1 A+ E& G1 S3 c0 JYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
+ P; t) L9 h3 r5 e$ T$ ?I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

: D) w8 s/ C9 \! Y. y6 V7 iI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
3 D; B2 l% E, u/ ^/ ZAnd that is the price for love
! L; c" [4 \: O4 R7 R! f. H
- v4 X; B* w" P4 zyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
2 x, J7 X4 r$ ^3 F  g+ i  Y"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

. H' P, \% z! OYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
3 _2 ^  S( ~: O' q3 J5 fMy mind is like a mud
9 N5 [7 l6 {# I: V- Ecan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
  y3 t' w: N0 g3 p' h+ nIt is slashed by you
" `# i9 E1 m* Q9 N, U2 p, Z' v; h7 Hand I am seriously hurt
6 D) Q3 X4 h0 |: Q& k% V( Q1 @
0 R0 x; z6 w6 J% K6 Z7 [8 OI will never love another
4 o0 p/ G, z! V+ _If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
% `% }' i+ M+ N9 W9 Emy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
1 _7 a4 L2 ?1 s  W' A; K& ]; ^i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
, u9 I' u9 s8 r% H
/ `; h! r7 q; p; X+ swith the charm,
4 Z- [% b/ u8 Q  Nwith the simles.
' R/ v1 P& ]+ i& k% D$ a+ \I fell in love with you
. P! s: N" m) s, H( ~3 V1 \6 kIn the first sign.
6 q- o, f  c4 d8 @As spotting sky at a summer
  d' o6 t  d/ c4 @  G
' c3 Z$ @: E7 @2 |2 u6 IYour lip is so soft
% |+ b' V: f1 R" g1 [there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
- A6 o8 Z  H  KYour body is so sexy
2 ^7 h$ @$ v. L. z0 W  \6 p  w' |And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

  t0 ~. ]- ^0 e& NI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
* ~; k, s0 ~% Y* [1 z4 ]8 |: F/ VAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


! `& A, |3 e4 q9 h$ G7 X! THis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
; A" Q4 s( {1 ^0 bHis forever is simply as her smile
. Z4 s/ \4 D  p& J1 zHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
( @1 X& j+ t# o, c& w. z4 n$ GI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

4 M  k* j- ^& r& q* e/ V7 R/ S' CBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
2 F: D( b# U1 q  N* D9 V# W5 A
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
; l  E+ L0 g% ZHoly Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
# u$ k" L3 v; H, p6 W% sMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; [3 H% w" M4 o" W% c就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
+ F7 \3 ^* k9 p- c你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
4 `8 Y& m; S; ]1 J我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
) k( X$ p# `3 [5 A不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
$ [6 j7 @8 n- ^! r* d) o
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
4 m3 \3 |( m& |你让我脸发热
& X/ P5 i/ N1 m1 ~! D8 K* u' Q" C& g我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
! T) j% _' P/ h& c( b7 i不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

) w/ s' B' V) f! w9 h
3 k' o- Z" M3 Y3 y. G7 N靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。