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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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) G# i: t0 h! E# @I fell in love with you / ^/ }$ u; d5 O  X8 N8 c, G
At the first week we met4 W- d1 A- e* w( o$ l& l

  h+ O- u1 y" [) T( v% B1 rYou have charm, you have looks% B1 {1 ~9 O3 ]4 J4 ~/ P
with full of pimples in face
3 ~. }8 b" r  MAs spotting sky at a summer night
0 b3 n4 M" ^* _! X( ?( UThey are shining stars, S- f2 @/ @4 p  W# s- @+ |
& n6 i) |$ c/ q& Z/ M( I2 ]% Z
Your lip is so big3 Z& G2 q5 W+ T) z$ N- P1 J; E
And that’s good for a kiss2 L1 h- J! [0 b4 B
Your body is chubby
% z( E! d+ e. J2 R0 h  U$ A) fAnd that is good for sex0 T  v4 r9 ^0 O+ d. b
" F) y# K: X* }1 R$ q6 t  j% v
I was deeply in love
7 g7 p# S9 Y1 l. \2 W$ D9 ~Everything from you is positive
# m8 n; g3 m& y* i% RYou blame me everything and everyday
% E+ B5 @: r3 ~And I think all girls sound like' I) O. M6 G, J  Z/ u/ g' q
5 p: w3 e" r6 R3 c7 B, r9 ?5 K
You could not stand my eating
+ h& q; s! [# Z3 mSaying no good for making funny sound" b0 X* g8 @. @2 t( u" x
I think you are perfectly right
. D/ A) p: Y3 m" G4 xEating with sound is a pig
0 K$ o$ j9 M& m# ~2 m# m
4 B( Y: l9 c  b9 t- b2 rI fell in love with you . L5 {# ~2 F9 l" l# w
Become a fool to think. E2 ^1 Z0 x/ @9 k+ {
All trouble things you did; ^) o+ ?5 O+ j' C! X# T
And that is the price for love
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1 w/ a; G/ Q- ~  W( N4 myou are deeply in love4 @( m" a; l1 G* _
Everything from me is negative; O# [' D; R: i( H, h- b
"My man should be like this,) P: Q6 |, w  a& B
and I am helping you to improve'5 I$ ~4 n3 X1 m# J
2 j0 \/ x0 w6 t8 T
You are loving me
0 z% C  z% g, W. K7 O8 P# H8 gor that one in your mind?2 B7 Y5 c. f5 _5 u/ X7 }; E( L
My mind is like a mud' ~- l$ G% _4 r# F' n
can be shaped whatever you want
$ b% l' I* W0 Z* n! S( k1 t* ?' c3 M4 q2 t
unfortunalety not my heart
; `$ O4 A7 ^; H2 nIt is slashed by you 1 E/ U& u, R* Q" k
and I am seriously hurt
$ J9 ?- p" [) T$ h3 Y( U; h- P
. u$ D+ k. F- r5 tI will never love another 3 y  M2 C' \4 t
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
# _: m) C  {7 B* B2 f# L$ N2 dmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
% m) J: |0 D7 s
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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
3 p- F% C6 [* q; L, j3 Q' w不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, ( p  w( y5 X0 M% |6 w- O0 k9 p/ l
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
& A1 r2 z& j" Z  @0 c. w# ^  hAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed  s/ R1 G- f$ M4 j# Y4 J3 J

8 i% m3 J; h: U4 {. o! {5 Twith the charm,
: Q% f' O0 K4 G1 |& \with the simles.
2 {( `7 q5 ~4 A; M1 RI fell in love with you
6 A0 U) f( b3 ?4 i' |1 @In the first sign.# L/ f4 F7 `5 Z; T6 b
As spotting sky at a summer
4 q$ V& N3 S. W2 k# V
5 x) J8 Z1 d5 r5 a3 q0 |Your lip is so soft
2 t" \2 }3 f4 @! W/ ~/ ~there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
8 G! C- C. w1 z4 Z# DYour body is so sexy! ^( N! W1 _$ ^' v9 g: _9 A
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
1 r9 s. }, n% i5 G1 A7 ~- ?; E8 z8 K7 |# m4 A/ g: ~
I am deeply in love- w* A& |+ b9 I3 d" O, y1 _; ?+ j
Everything from you is so charming
6 |+ v$ `: Q+ i" o; }8 Z6 N% e  Dalthough You r so picky for me
. F9 X( b1 P( H. A3 s  rAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
9 H2 H2 o, K3 f4 S0 L6 [: c: _But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem0 j) q3 J% Z: v
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His hello is the end of her endings- ~- ^7 G' B8 X1 p% ~2 Z' Z* D/ t8 w
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle' n- s7 y# S4 `4 S  R; i. i
His hand would be hers to hold forever+ I  K8 a7 P% C1 L7 I, O2 @
His forever is simply as her smile . @+ ^3 [0 n2 F, l7 n6 t, P- `/ l1 d
He said she was what was missing3 s9 H' e* h5 A
She said instantly she knew
( l1 q' F9 l4 E1 N: RShe was a question to be answered
6 n* c% L; `0 UAnd his answer is
0 ^7 k# V2 [8 UI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt$ Z6 U2 u8 e8 j' q' E1 i* O% v7 {5 e

: C2 J; `# y" p9 @6 LIt's amazing how I felt 5 M1 e7 O3 m$ S
when I was with you5 l+ s) W1 Y! W( N0 a- \4 B  a- _
My heart beat so fast
; b5 G8 q( z$ Y0 {I looked at you and thought
5 z2 G8 Z7 I1 ]4 }, mHoly Jesus, you were so cute
3 H' s5 {; d" K( p6 X& A* K: ?+ Q2 i8 u" ]) c+ r9 @
You left me without a word! q5 ?- g8 u7 i/ a
I have nothing except my emptiness0 b( l: q2 |9 R4 Y5 {
My mood is like a cloud
: P6 T/ V6 i0 zHow could it be dispersed?
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Feelings bite my heart 9 T) U8 M4 H7 b; `6 Z* ]* r7 H
You are the right one I wait
! W! i$ A# o1 Z% v3 LIn the depth of my soul1 J0 R* z; k/ X, V$ p
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 e5 I4 e: O9 p9 w, r; O* d你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道, J4 M5 R) g7 x( P
就和用中文写一次
6 V5 U4 a9 g2 m4 ~6 L* B& m# U阿,我爱你- }/ M; L2 c& `
你让我心跳好快
; }1 X# U* e: b! M2 g8 f1 r你让我脸发热8 a% T$ o! W, n
我爱上你的大嘴唇! ^$ Z( M4 q( q, ?1 A
XXXXX
$ `  f: o- M0 F0 H不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
  c8 r+ i$ n% J/ f1 X7 @( l) @# C9 ~$ ]. q! `2 b7 s
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER" S0 F. S4 p% l7 f: `
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - _& e3 Q3 j# T$ }* b
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美- M: t1 B% m3 E# p
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 |6 G5 }& U$ D+ G1 V就和用中文写一次! u1 F" |- i8 B* y- p
阿,我爱你
) m& ~9 u7 T# |5 B$ I. Q你让我心跳好快* \) i2 A+ E% e
你让我脸发热
9 ^& ~# A- ?7 k. u& S. ?' f% i+ n我爱上你的大嘴唇
) H* M* a' E1 s$ E+ ?5 L* BXXXXX& R. J& [  M* V* c; `, M) \5 n; h
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.& A* U' e; F  u
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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