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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love- ^& g( G: x. |3 `- T9 K& S
2 Z$ l8 M* o$ U. n# }3 \% {% w
I fell in love with you
2 S1 w  @! y) ]# l0 NAt the first week we met
/ O# Y1 O2 v, E+ I
* s. h! C# _, u/ S+ t3 IYou have charm, you have looks
0 S0 ^3 i0 @, }) U7 [% F5 qwith full of pimples in face
9 X- N; Q& S0 zAs spotting sky at a summer night/ V1 i) h- v/ O. P$ q6 `  S: d
They are shining stars
$ }' Q7 k: U' D, N/ ^0 o2 H( D( a+ [) S% N8 H+ |  m
Your lip is so big
3 B# R" _$ O7 u3 bAnd that’s good for a kiss
1 H" F5 W" ?! xYour body is chubby
- ]9 C. C: C( }0 Y" }4 ?, |$ \4 d& TAnd that is good for sex1 K9 A0 |# V2 L8 a) q- M. R

( _) b* y2 o. a0 S$ t7 LI was deeply in love$ B; r/ n2 ]" U+ \
Everything from you is positive
! o! [2 h$ o+ h  @: [/ R4 j, Y" J+ bYou blame me everything and everyday
5 M. @; K) ~) v6 SAnd I think all girls sound like5 X; ?% L/ O( }  a, Z$ s- W$ v9 R

- N9 p" n  y# o  S3 uYou could not stand my eating# A: F/ q* \: A' d
Saying no good for making funny sound2 t$ w9 s( p8 r. w& p/ g8 Q. \! g
I think you are perfectly right7 p- l- I3 |; y% A3 x$ j; B2 o
Eating with sound is a pig6 E" S7 j  ]. Q" p. n3 R: V

3 N  _- l# l+ tI fell in love with you
1 Z1 H9 G9 f# _2 m/ iBecome a fool to think
9 ^; j! ]+ ]1 t5 j% F+ eAll trouble things you did
* w6 q  V0 k" g2 }- J7 Q9 WAnd that is the price for love; o0 Q7 l5 R) K# @. \+ j7 z$ p
6 D  N+ m- _9 U& d* p1 p: _4 b
you are deeply in love
% t; \' v% O  c0 c1 xEverything from me is negative
3 R8 a, B# _" a. Y( _2 X"My man should be like this,
! b7 D) J0 ^( Iand I am helping you to improve'# T6 }! x( H- w# e% W; M

( j( o' w) a2 k% S4 eYou are loving me
0 P$ O  \. e# }2 }or that one in your mind?3 P( l7 [! G! W3 U. J- S
My mind is like a mud- G( o1 t, V# v& W: x
can be shaped whatever you want3 y5 `: }0 N0 Y: g6 n
6 s  C& I8 V( F* K9 e
unfortunalety not my heart
0 K7 z: T7 V& D6 h1 TIt is slashed by you
- O" V8 X# v/ x: u2 pand I am seriously hurt
$ q! W& q0 m- F4 Q, B8 D: x& s2 X) m( w0 Q
I will never love another ; k0 [3 t2 v) W( G, Q: v
If my heart can be fixed
大型搬家
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
: D, t7 l% j( H& Y; Z" [4 P; Kmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
+ {) b( g; P# k
0 x6 l9 j. z$ `
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
- z6 V* f. R, a4 D3 _2 i& K不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, " Q, }: G" B# S% B4 @
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
7 b, y% ~; Q2 H* Y* ?3 f: PAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed0 X' M+ F' s# Z* j: ~

. b: u! M% ]* C& C8 p+ ?" L3 dwith the charm,( _% _7 P; x; C; J3 M, y% V
with the simles.$ ~. n, x4 R! I; |2 Z+ T
I fell in love with you 2 K+ N( U/ W: s" [$ u" N1 x
In the first sign.! N" N' N. G! d/ ?$ @2 j
As spotting sky at a summer
6 B9 j/ {! w$ u+ }8 q! N1 w  L/ u( {: `5 g1 `7 [4 ^! _, E! V
Your lip is so soft * U5 m/ L8 r8 |3 o$ ]/ M
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss+ X! P+ V0 R/ B' M$ E
Your body is so sexy; B- ^; r" U! s, Z  J' Y
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.6 x* a$ `- j- L8 m+ z* h8 e

% q  M% A3 C3 A' A) B5 KI am deeply in love
# R+ s! c4 U* C. lEverything from you is so charming7 g( ^0 q$ z$ Q# V
although You r so picky for me : e1 D* F+ s% Q; L4 m
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
  u6 j  J9 M  xBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
2 f- ~8 R' x. Y
: @$ o9 d6 I7 ~
3 R4 N! d' w% d1 FHis hello is the end of her endings
  I- P0 g) Z; N- j' IHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle* N  ~9 x7 L( x- s$ I* F
His hand would be hers to hold forever
5 J6 Y$ H" q- R1 W* R! I* zHis forever is simply as her smile
7 {- b  H! y: B+ qHe said she was what was missing
: y! R9 j' _8 q+ A, u3 m& D) P9 a0 ?She said instantly she knew; N3 L% v  M/ d
She was a question to be answered. u7 s) j+ x: ]" \
And his answer is 3 c& @6 ]" b2 g0 H5 _6 T
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas6 _7 c  P5 h  x! Z6 c8 b; u  }9 @' F

$ u% }6 A$ t3 e9 P( _/ c* D( |Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
3 _/ b- d% ]* X. R2 t) E4 i0 R' p4 e( t# e
It's amazing how I felt
, k7 p7 [4 t; H1 K/ Y' H2 ywhen I was with you
. C( Z/ d; G$ J5 a2 YMy heart beat so fast# B# m8 F3 r- `8 y- c6 I/ ]
I looked at you and thought
, ~( `& U( X" [" A% n. o' UHoly Jesus, you were so cute
# @) O& _& h# S1 O" @7 z/ W4 C5 ~$ |5 n( t* K2 u
You left me without a word& p' w5 v& c- R' q% n6 F
I have nothing except my emptiness# b& a1 q, s4 t: f8 B9 c, v7 t
My mood is like a cloud/ p& o, Y3 {. o* M/ a
How could it be dispersed?
- ^3 i0 H8 S& E1 s+ _2 r' S5 X# e' H& ?2 z* f/ ]" }
Feelings bite my heart " k6 z- R# d2 V5 Q* D) b  _3 L
You are the right one I wait$ P5 {. M8 t; y1 H" a
In the depth of my soul
+ C; N- d' w$ ~: g, eI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美) ?  v: l3 Z. b7 U9 s. D5 X
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% {8 I- T% k0 d/ P6 n. F* N5 X
就和用中文写一次8 o0 J! Y/ V: \
阿,我爱你2 i& |+ `6 X9 I* ?) F  i
你让我心跳好快
+ T! G5 [& a2 b0 B* |你让我脸发热
! Z3 P3 f& [* t$ e' x, t$ d我爱上你的大嘴唇
- }! u0 k4 s5 A9 o- I! o# U+ a5 W! IXXXXX( C" x2 X' {( z  }
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?3 g# Z% y, C9 W4 W* `; s

: v: _" k; \7 j% p8 G- w& [1 Y% ~. u如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
2 F) t( T3 ^# P7 ]6 e1 j6 f至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
( f) I6 l: H+ L1 j) c闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
- y: M7 ]& f/ p1 C8 H6 _# ]7 c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% w& j- q( t. \5 G) a2 q
就和用中文写一次
' e3 z% z* j- ]" p% ?阿,我爱你* l5 k! q5 O2 }4 h1 f
你让我心跳好快
0 W" Y: H  h, u: a4 p% {  @你让我脸发热
5 E' L6 D& c- l3 A9 z  }我爱上你的大嘴唇4 T: G. Q3 b. g8 }3 @3 j1 j; F: |
XXXXX
6 v3 l5 N! z4 Z; Q9 [5 V不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
0 p3 o, V8 s3 ], T& u+ n. \

; q1 t: z/ c. q靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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