我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

' g0 T1 \  \3 C& P& C5 [% U6 FI fell in love with you
$ w$ n' H5 ]1 W& zAt the first week we met
: v$ _* u+ @3 |% k* u- A4 X
You have charm, you have looks
: T/ r/ x# D! R" _: `with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
) f& d* r+ a1 ^2 O9 lThey are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
0 |6 [1 D& y# T& w6 F. ~6 VYour body is chubby
: S: e7 }; Q9 V# x" X3 q1 ]# ZAnd that is good for sex
4 v# r2 q0 X& _  U
, _( y: ^0 I) T% W0 TI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
' L: K& Z! ^) n! a3 [+ [* h& c
$ N2 o. p# b: H4 }1 w0 }You could not stand my eating
! ]/ y) N: S+ a$ |- V9 j! A2 h; L1 SSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
! g7 A4 A! J0 g% {, WEating with sound is a pig

9 L8 N' _. h! \+ }. L7 qI fell in love with you
" A( t& i: X4 H4 d  ABecome a fool to think
, K7 v1 K+ ^( p' DAll trouble things you did
  p; g4 h. M6 O6 s% n8 P$ BAnd that is the price for love
# g# V% I4 N( ~% M+ n% a4 b1 l$ O
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
7 \" F6 k! P0 xand I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
* W' w  g: P9 n6 w8 wor that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
6 n; e' C6 Z0 ecan be shaped whatever you want
- A; L2 r, }* V9 Z6 N
' Z$ D* r1 h; {! O) }unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
+ A3 S1 @8 H$ N
) `0 U' D( H! J/ AI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
" U+ M" l' w+ ]0 F9 kmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! k4 G1 b5 a/ _" R咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
- E' u6 r6 k3 W9 z7 ^9 n2 nwith the simles.
( b' `9 J3 H3 E/ w; cI fell in love with you
  k. h6 F# B* g9 bIn the first sign.
/ Z% V3 W" O) e" _  YAs spotting sky at a summer

, ~3 K! b  K' YYour lip is so soft
  w4 }8 f, A. Y4 athere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
, A7 ~% H& \4 J6 ?Your body is so sexy
- V# X/ W  j6 d/ O" B& rAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
3 w* D5 H( s1 Q5 {, L6 p
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
6 p0 \$ N7 Z, Q$ N, _0 y& lalthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
6 Y: P: M  }0 s% ?7 j# z
( x8 {6 d6 M" ?% h3 N2 Y
His hello is the end of her endings
, u% ?* e! I/ J0 k3 W' qHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
$ ~0 u* q5 x5 [; p1 ]; F; IHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
4 L0 Z+ |/ U  _/ a0 O. f  l2 t# PShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
0 B$ y- Z# K' q' U& }And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ m4 e2 B( P9 A
2 y; V1 n8 @0 d+ y1 }% o1 XBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
4 M) w# D! s% O% H; K8 t8 S4 i
1 _! n3 T, b4 }1 _  a# F) S. B2 K, pIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
( t2 s" z. d  T" Z, JMy heart beat so fast
6 [+ {- j" H; YI looked at you and thought
& G, B4 ^$ G* T& ^, u. I( cHoly Jesus, you were so cute
. ~! |: p! ~8 [* y( h
You left me without a word
1 q- @) a) r# T, T9 }4 rI have nothing except my emptiness
& [) B: u1 |% S. R' S. ^My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?
1 T) Z; E3 Z5 h" ~# q
2 p: k" [  G- y6 [* lFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
6 p8 n& B$ o' @* V, ^, ?7 _I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) R4 Z7 a9 i3 A, W就和用中文写一次
" E! L2 L5 t5 Q) X: O阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
& U$ A5 n1 Z$ r' V, x: HXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
! ?. Z& X2 ]6 Y6 y6 p  h# E% u3 X
, D/ e, `% B( N+ \如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
! x6 i9 T/ b/ d; t你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
, W+ H9 ^/ n! q4 s0 NXXXXX
0 q, _* X/ x; t  d5 R不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

1 Y& t$ e7 R2 @0 d8 H$ T
1 ]& i* Z' S! a7 ?) Z靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。