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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
7 X: k" i5 |5 O
+ ]: O5 P: G* \7 zI fell in love with you * t" i/ E1 w5 l- N( X" A# K* y
At the first week we met
0 w" T/ \2 Z( F) ~1 O" ?0 s
, f( d+ j1 O2 ^' n9 F9 {% GYou have charm, you have looks+ z% u: S5 k0 u+ Q9 r, J1 E
with full of pimples in face' ?. x; f! p* `, q/ i
As spotting sky at a summer night
0 v+ ]% t$ q7 @% K0 QThey are shining stars  _# e% y/ r. U& w" a
5 G, c# F. ~2 L; M& z2 K! Y
Your lip is so big- y2 p. ?' V) S7 _
And that’s good for a kiss4 I5 S, H* C& J0 B2 Q/ `
Your body is chubby
# M" n$ w8 M, T6 j; O+ IAnd that is good for sex
' d$ V& l; X" C% \" a; E) s" D6 ?( r; @8 n8 ]/ G& n
I was deeply in love
, R4 Q; a% C5 `3 P5 }Everything from you is positive5 v' s( f% A& h3 \: i- l& y
You blame me everything and everyday
2 D. q# \5 L; n( e9 \0 ~3 V4 kAnd I think all girls sound like$ ~' l) S3 R" M* R9 ?; t
* |4 N! t* L& F3 [
You could not stand my eating) y, x  ~# q8 O) y% r. ]
Saying no good for making funny sound  \) i$ t3 P% @0 }& ?4 i1 d/ m- r
I think you are perfectly right4 ~- h: W& \5 ~! f' `" ^% z' G
Eating with sound is a pig" N( q, f3 ?1 H5 s

2 K( I# _; y' o7 w6 ^$ _2 b; zI fell in love with you ( k, |# Q! W4 o9 A! Y" r8 Y
Become a fool to think
+ q- N( w1 K* g. ~All trouble things you did
: P- ^1 t7 b1 z" g# n) `* {And that is the price for love* l- _2 O! M; z( ~
: `: a4 {1 V4 K$ B1 e
you are deeply in love4 X* }; m, l* A5 r
Everything from me is negative
9 L8 Y: b( v2 z& u: \8 n- Q"My man should be like this,) V/ h8 m+ T3 z; k
and I am helping you to improve'
9 ^; Q# A! G/ W3 u7 u5 m# R
$ N+ @( X4 \. t0 B+ E0 AYou are loving me
+ o0 D: T, @1 t& {+ X* u0 f+ ~# f! lor that one in your mind?
/ N0 U  S2 G& }  r: {: }+ }My mind is like a mud
) _: n" M; U$ l$ P- d- ican be shaped whatever you want
/ L' K  K* T8 J5 F) g$ n: g' k+ [$ t
unfortunalety not my heart
% z$ I8 d" c- PIt is slashed by you
6 f& y1 ?$ i& U  j. ^' L& uand I am seriously hurt- V4 i7 g% `7 d( k1 F! _2 l6 |: f
) y6 O- K  g( [* G2 |# [9 X
I will never love another
- a  U2 n1 W$ p+ l' KIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 : {4 r4 Q$ Z0 L4 \4 m  X4 o4 a
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
, [1 d1 \- N/ z/ l
0 ^1 n) ]5 M% d0 K2 f9 J" s
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!" g8 u( e1 D+ X% c. o$ `8 j
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
4 U7 m( c2 D0 n0 A" t6 |) d' ei am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
: Q$ I9 V. O0 L, C" ~$ ^# q1 p, ^8 MAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed$ S  n1 r+ B/ r& t$ E
# J, I& y. o' E7 x, Z
with the charm,
, b4 M" u2 r- J9 @with the simles.+ Z" W. u, U" Y7 H1 o* x
I fell in love with you
: P% K: T1 D  e' H7 IIn the first sign.
9 Z+ X8 ]  ]" AAs spotting sky at a summer
! A9 `) `7 O6 ~& V2 {% ^% K1 }: n$ X6 j
Your lip is so soft
* J' D( v1 u2 P& ~, a1 ^4 @' t( Kthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
; C5 w1 B3 ~' z  v; C: zYour body is so sexy
4 x( m, p* b* g7 ~8 A5 U0 _And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
* w; D* i" J- w  f$ O5 u, p6 j( U# Y& H. Y: r, g0 ~# G
I am deeply in love
( r8 l0 H; u  m( I( Z+ R' r. [6 N% [Everything from you is so charming9 h: Y: a6 Q' l+ }" o, e! L
although You r so picky for me   x; _7 k6 u  A, n5 ~4 z
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
% I) C; z( f  S+ ?& G& u; k5 ABut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem# Q% {9 `: x: q: e9 N% q# l
2 }& H# G5 ~+ E$ }! C* E8 B

! r( J: V# m+ ?8 m+ Y2 a% k( THis hello is the end of her endings6 c9 U/ n  O8 k
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 Z5 T7 y( |7 j  L- d4 ZHis hand would be hers to hold forever4 ?' r* N- j8 |: G; Q& Q
His forever is simply as her smile
+ g2 L+ i' x  qHe said she was what was missing. f0 U' C; {, `8 I* B  g
She said instantly she knew
" V9 C$ F  U2 Q% x: c( _: d: D8 Y. Z' BShe was a question to be answered
( z5 c6 B$ t# G, q3 ]9 vAnd his answer is
( ^5 j; N: h/ f% hI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
5 L" b/ f4 s. |) g/ i
+ {6 _* ]3 F/ x) I8 rBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt+ O& s0 a* {- C

# U# S$ k( E: X2 hIt's amazing how I felt
* t% R# w/ r, S2 B; o7 y6 C5 e+ q+ `when I was with you
% }; ^1 Z- O7 N- G, j3 GMy heart beat so fast% j, M, q7 V5 m
I looked at you and thought! B, F& i7 x1 x9 R# q" [7 u/ V
Holy Jesus, you were so cute8 g( u: W; F1 d& Y2 [
6 D2 b- F, D  O, X* r
You left me without a word  x+ _; l0 R6 p& ?+ @2 }' d
I have nothing except my emptiness
/ L3 y+ O0 I6 k4 T: g( z4 xMy mood is like a cloud
4 o) c3 S8 Z; a3 i( |* sHow could it be dispersed?8 }2 [* N; F* e5 v
: B/ c2 @4 S, J* T, }% M( c
Feelings bite my heart
( s$ {1 ?' K# J5 ~  LYou are the right one I wait
8 f2 [' b9 ~! w5 X+ [4 xIn the depth of my soul
" I7 k. Q+ i/ s( n8 @) DI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 g4 e) m/ B( J# D9 s* O/ y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" {' P5 g' M5 |% q3 c就和用中文写一次# b4 {5 b" A# T5 q
阿,我爱你
" D2 F! k# |% ?" \& y8 R6 v7 R你让我心跳好快! K" p5 K- c, G4 l9 y
你让我脸发热! w6 N' J7 ~" j; ~: ~& R, U# O
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ b  X' K$ h. J" b# {( E; \XXXXX: I$ u* B6 _8 n  E! {8 _5 B" b
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
( ]/ p! M' [. ]/ s; [4 h" [' Z7 x( D5 y
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER- [0 X# y4 y) p# a8 H5 j) E" f
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
7 J1 s7 y- t- y* i闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! Z% c- m. G' ~, i. U你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( y4 Z+ K+ t6 Y8 b: I
就和用中文写一次; M; ~- A% o0 Q
阿,我爱你$ P; N% n# z: P# j' l4 B* d% k
你让我心跳好快
# Y9 Q; p7 W$ J* P7 r+ p3 |0 g( k你让我脸发热6 s+ m3 T7 e. o% K0 P
我爱上你的大嘴唇9 z  i( v9 f/ Q$ p* }0 F3 X3 [
XXXXX
* s5 l3 [& L  n& ?! s) U不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 K( f+ q  O5 R5 E5 z6 e
: K0 m8 P! _; G靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
大型搬家
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
: r, ?- c( B( M
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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