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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love$ e. H9 l& s( G; a

) W* J; k6 F1 R/ \7 ?; ?I fell in love with you # p4 l$ g8 \/ B: B8 O7 P
At the first week we met9 Q, \, G- v3 b0 _& R- E
9 p- O& ?* l$ w! b& x6 v4 ~( P
You have charm, you have looks
) G- J6 f$ Q) w* Owith full of pimples in face
# U1 l8 m: W- uAs spotting sky at a summer night
2 J: {( O8 v0 K  V! f, MThey are shining stars
/ n0 I# R5 r; n' a# k
3 Q  r# l) _, a$ W. B1 }0 cYour lip is so big9 F5 H5 c+ K; A) v3 m3 o* Y
And that’s good for a kiss/ o, b6 y/ u$ ~9 E' g2 V( D
Your body is chubby
5 _8 w3 ?) Y: p- i9 }4 q! c7 WAnd that is good for sex
; r$ c. P; S; z- s% G2 r2 N" {& K: p  {/ h* l. C  S/ N$ y
I was deeply in love/ E* L4 C) V3 z4 h% u8 ^
Everything from you is positive, Z8 |% C! M; Z! @. A& ^. F
You blame me everything and everyday
/ e/ K$ F/ Q  nAnd I think all girls sound like
8 s9 {8 y' p, z& o6 C* R! G) M* E& |' G/ u
You could not stand my eating+ J$ y/ U2 y: [3 O# M! [; M
Saying no good for making funny sound# J' e4 i& n- B5 J
I think you are perfectly right2 W. K0 s2 Z& A# Y
Eating with sound is a pig
: q4 ^& G$ P* s: W7 x. ^  X
, j* C, V5 S) G; O0 N% ?4 j) w8 \- DI fell in love with you
: ]! }+ T/ {) f% L2 }Become a fool to think% x" n0 c% r9 i/ T9 x
All trouble things you did
- r3 T; y0 n7 l1 y" nAnd that is the price for love
  {0 a; D6 E# u# B1 @4 y: x) y3 a9 l" ~$ f( a7 B
you are deeply in love/ @( ?# r- f' Q5 R, Y2 h
Everything from me is negative
5 E. f& o2 p9 ^* G"My man should be like this,
4 S& [( Y; v2 i3 }and I am helping you to improve'0 f$ c3 u* l8 C. x- |  [

, {5 `( J9 r9 U# U$ _) V  ?You are loving me
2 m& Z. e( N9 Z5 |or that one in your mind?3 x0 K# N3 P' ^
My mind is like a mud  I$ }2 O- v+ d% z9 J8 W$ x
can be shaped whatever you want
, r, P% P1 f) e4 }8 g
9 b- F6 N$ a# a. tunfortunalety not my heart
% P- ?; r) B1 z: v& fIt is slashed by you 4 [3 j5 z1 u# ~' k* X; D
and I am seriously hurt
& [3 k2 w1 m8 ]- `! _1 \+ q0 M, k. y
I will never love another $ T- J5 [# ~7 L  q2 V+ Y
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
6 R6 _6 N$ s* T) f! b, `# w2 E- n- `my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

9 D$ q8 ]% I) J7 X* [, p& ?/ ^$ ~
) ?! v& A9 Y9 _$ n咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
: V" f" }1 ?7 t% g不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
' G; V* J, |2 r# Vi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.+ K$ Y0 O) h7 w) w
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& }- ~) q) C) {* m' o$ J" n9 M
2 B: O3 m. x& n6 Gwith the charm,
/ r$ I$ S. w! {. ?  o, }& o- o  owith the simles.
* a, v* r8 d. R5 v9 O" w9 c& ]6 yI fell in love with you , ?: D# j: q6 M2 G
In the first sign., D% V6 l6 W- r1 @& c% @# W: W
As spotting sky at a summer
8 M* X) [% L1 p9 ~. Y# h
* R$ J, A6 v- Z4 kYour lip is so soft
+ `+ A# f5 A( u: Rthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss2 i2 t" q* o$ R+ |2 P
Your body is so sexy  H4 R, J1 [1 b, U
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
. D5 Z$ j( _$ U- B
! c! L3 X0 n. G4 N, SI am deeply in love6 I% D7 E( ?5 T" F
Everything from you is so charming
% O# x1 G1 y7 Oalthough You r so picky for me
8 N/ y- i; K0 d/ y* xAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.( _0 L% w) |( k& {
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem7 @2 v5 G! s4 ]( N: u

- q* r5 G. P! ^4 a4 \4 I+ V# ]2 N5 C( x7 b) X0 }% h# ~
His hello is the end of her endings! T' \7 e! O3 }
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
: X  _' [. n, u" s+ O1 f2 S/ `4 }8 _! DHis hand would be hers to hold forever7 S7 x( c- k0 q  N( B: h
His forever is simply as her smile
- m* C( a3 d2 n' x7 X5 B3 GHe said she was what was missing
" A& R* F- R+ ]- W5 jShe said instantly she knew/ h* n* c  ~' X# g( H9 h6 P5 A# {
She was a question to be answered9 ^% [. E8 R& {
And his answer is
8 \" t! e$ g; d+ K& qI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
" g% o1 T! `" W! F; {- b8 s8 ?4 e( m* A0 b0 N' q
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt7 Z5 U2 R- u- ^& F

" ]& X6 I' m+ A% _+ pIt's amazing how I felt
2 ]" K/ ~$ |. w  T3 N) pwhen I was with you  ?1 G: X% @. Y9 ^
My heart beat so fast
# }* G! y9 Q. V* ]/ G7 E3 }! AI looked at you and thought6 x2 I: A7 t4 e! h
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
" n4 v4 S6 X4 n8 |' Z
+ b6 b# ~0 i) C' ?6 D) i; B6 LYou left me without a word: e* p8 k4 p& b0 {
I have nothing except my emptiness
( D" ]3 j7 V8 q3 m6 f8 v0 c  x2 JMy mood is like a cloud4 Q4 x) _, L6 m# G  [, x
How could it be dispersed?
* D1 M: ?2 j; d& b* f7 M8 W
; k1 \4 n9 C) L2 C( w- E' DFeelings bite my heart ; ~7 i2 B& p& s* c/ R
You are the right one I wait
& x$ N7 d* i; @' |  a  HIn the depth of my soul* y/ e7 h4 O  [6 }, e5 K
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美) A; c& J6 x2 ?: ?4 g
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# t7 q0 h0 H, r; ]8 e- Q5 U" n就和用中文写一次
# ~4 {8 p% J" ~' h/ y阿,我爱你
2 Z6 B- U( W) D) Z# D  b你让我心跳好快- s; \+ ?8 J/ d. B, G% T" l  o
你让我脸发热1 S5 l: q6 m) ]
我爱上你的大嘴唇
* Y! a) a0 Y' f( V+ r7 r# QXXXXX! \' g) d# L8 X7 r. H4 S% F9 [
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?  |% b! B  c2 ?9 l, P# P4 w4 k0 ~
) V3 g- W1 k% D( E$ M' O2 N
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER% z! k/ |& X  ?' d$ q  A; J6 {
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 ) M- T7 h5 ]1 V+ A& T4 ~
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
9 Z, P( ^( b" A6 r7 L" R, c你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道8 T, o% D' M, v( \' G6 Q4 a$ [5 ?, q
就和用中文写一次
/ B: f" A1 y7 X' \( Y6 W阿,我爱你3 F0 c' ], [4 G3 I2 ?% @, f
你让我心跳好快
5 b2 a4 @. R) P5 C8 q你让我脸发热* }4 y  O9 p5 M8 D
我爱上你的大嘴唇; t7 n* M* N: w& ~; w" e
XXXXX, ~" Y  F, Q# [% F" A  Y7 w. B& b" ]
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

" b3 F- I6 F8 K
3 H! O; a! ^& F/ z: ?靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
9 ^8 J9 p- T! C1 }' _3 }
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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