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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
: n: z$ k2 ~; x4 E! S4 y; e4 t2 b- M4 Z, |' E; }8 ]* V
I fell in love with you 8 `# E0 G* [7 ?* Q7 R
At the first week we met4 x% q4 P* r1 W! ?

6 m" y: s& v9 _; v6 E) vYou have charm, you have looks9 a8 J/ Y9 o7 I7 j4 Z6 _
with full of pimples in face8 \, [' i& a" Z$ {1 c2 v& a
As spotting sky at a summer night3 q' D7 `! Z9 W  I
They are shining stars
" j1 M) c+ D7 D- Y2 H( `6 y
' J- o- X4 U8 u' n* d/ ]+ T) {. C. OYour lip is so big
3 C) T" h) F8 K/ dAnd that’s good for a kiss
+ X# m# h3 r+ g1 ^9 u" `3 LYour body is chubby
! @. X0 V! J4 j6 j# sAnd that is good for sex
2 h* c; t5 {+ \% b9 j) e$ W; H/ l3 u$ Q2 W: T3 h8 |$ Z* l& C1 H
I was deeply in love, d) X8 P! Q* ^
Everything from you is positive
& |/ W  h5 i4 m) b# @You blame me everything and everyday
" V8 m9 p% ?; _: [  RAnd I think all girls sound like
4 k$ y% c5 @! w' m$ Y: U$ k4 S
! M: l% ~, o' ?" j3 V9 E4 m1 }+ NYou could not stand my eating# M% h1 ^% n  p  P: A
Saying no good for making funny sound
. F; Q( U6 x& N  i3 a3 e: pI think you are perfectly right; W# b! ]! S/ c) A* P
Eating with sound is a pig$ C8 \& x) u$ @# P  x& N- X9 x
1 I" T( e9 l% x  i, A
I fell in love with you
" F% ]/ }+ L) s3 _Become a fool to think
- T6 \0 Q. D+ @9 H, @8 p" nAll trouble things you did% _( A$ s5 S3 ~
And that is the price for love% O1 H7 n  ]$ o& t$ y2 N
/ P2 v; m( F3 M' v% k
you are deeply in love% i$ Z5 ]8 T& K# b
Everything from me is negative
! k0 F) Q# k. v"My man should be like this,% `+ t, f- K# J4 t  Y
and I am helping you to improve', V$ v/ J8 Q9 U# C& @0 A" |" E8 W8 m. E
# ^' j& B5 r1 \8 t4 s2 v" R/ R
You are loving me ; Y# q2 p! E7 {: B+ y
or that one in your mind?
5 O8 R: T, i" P/ x  q; c9 M! ^My mind is like a mud8 c- m2 N( C9 U* V
can be shaped whatever you want
, Q8 y1 w! S4 s! f1 Y6 f7 r: O/ C7 `/ ^9 O7 A
unfortunalety not my heart3 W/ g1 d# l# X  V7 g) m
It is slashed by you & R$ M: g# \% v
and I am seriously hurt
& H/ K4 C1 r0 ?' d! V4 _7 m- w6 g0 f+ u/ e( X
I will never love another ' T/ k1 H, P6 n# [* ]* r" q/ T
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
: _( h$ [2 q. y3 ^my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
; ~1 i( z( `) \5 g+ \. w$ o

5 x9 m$ n8 c" h2 T$ m咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
4 M% v  h+ e( |* {, w# t4 W& g6 X不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, " ?+ z: {2 `5 s+ p8 B
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
+ C  ~9 L. n5 c$ M  C' T# [+ z8 JAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
5 \/ a% G( @% ?, F( {+ d& m: f8 B: I) }+ U5 k
with the charm,
& \  w1 ~; v$ c. twith the simles.# l3 ?1 f1 d! v! f  p/ P1 t5 {
I fell in love with you : k: M" X9 t  [. ]5 u1 |1 s
In the first sign.3 ~: W( ^  U- X: P1 k" x
As spotting sky at a summer
3 B: R. @5 t' k2 }+ \9 T, N# I. p$ A. E4 A! P
Your lip is so soft - F" y: O9 ~7 o# n. L
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
4 J  |, M5 c- c7 N% PYour body is so sexy
  y8 W; j. o6 m( i7 Y& S/ CAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.* O' H; l8 c, \: W4 T' a
- f! P' c+ I, |& y( u) q
I am deeply in love
! \" b9 M8 K2 a9 W5 _; _& c3 XEverything from you is so charming
+ Y! O; h( J! d4 e3 Walthough You r so picky for me
. U) W; ]0 g7 E3 dAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.+ i. S# K5 a1 R: o9 m
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
: W- B5 ?% _  ?6 X& u( E; A! H' Y4 n- C

8 |' P$ B/ t- i2 bHis hello is the end of her endings
& _' B- u6 t# r" p/ m( L1 GHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle, P/ x+ M# }) ?8 g
His hand would be hers to hold forever
4 i" _5 r6 [4 k* W+ \His forever is simply as her smile
, D! C' d$ X' }8 FHe said she was what was missing
- b" t# V0 n( \# {0 p# j% Q4 t: vShe said instantly she knew
0 q8 h& D  J) S7 {She was a question to be answered0 ~- z) R+ i1 a/ f! |
And his answer is # @  Z. U/ p. t6 k% f* Y/ F
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas* x! r- Q8 X! c" `) t/ v  ]( \

0 Z! h1 i* V' ?$ M  UBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt8 L& F5 w6 s+ m9 J. F$ Y
2 `4 x' h3 _: j% P. }; F8 C: S
It's amazing how I felt
3 x6 J% l0 r5 X' e- t8 R# W8 C4 Nwhen I was with you
( r0 g  N& M2 ]; }! F! B7 HMy heart beat so fast3 R2 e9 ~# K1 |) [9 v! M
I looked at you and thought
4 I# z7 i- V9 j8 eHoly Jesus, you were so cute
2 V1 l) J; K# h  u3 w1 {" d" ?6 D8 @7 `. }0 c  t$ Y
You left me without a word6 |6 ]! G8 A9 U! L! X
I have nothing except my emptiness( f; Z, `. s9 a5 S: w5 h* _
My mood is like a cloud
( o# p; k/ ^9 O. ?: WHow could it be dispersed?- Y' A7 r" B6 [8 Y. e
1 w4 y" i/ R4 x. y0 ]& z0 w3 F+ W
Feelings bite my heart
7 ?) k; f6 p9 }' u5 L6 u0 O5 ]You are the right one I wait
; N- K, l& t! a$ E1 tIn the depth of my soul4 x! F) D6 w' {7 b! ^
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" ^5 L9 w2 o4 W. H
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! m3 x! C1 {( [' j  C0 e/ M" b就和用中文写一次
$ [/ x- E$ t% a4 w2 P阿,我爱你; w# Y$ h! _* [2 s
你让我心跳好快
* a9 t% p& D8 P1 c+ k$ M' Z# @你让我脸发热3 }) D4 L- T0 _/ m8 b' m
我爱上你的大嘴唇, V) y- Y5 H5 v
XXXXX
& a! t- `  L( d7 ?- W不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
# v, N9 U9 [  a4 J7 W. Z1 }7 |' ?$ X( f) m
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER' d5 Y% }; R4 B1 `' H; U
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
" @* w1 K0 k2 T9 e7 J: v4 r闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
2 Q$ Y8 ?5 c6 k9 W* I你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道  G1 a! e; C" d2 l# y% ]
就和用中文写一次4 J# f( M, s8 I
阿,我爱你
- ?. T6 [! k5 \; d* ~你让我心跳好快& }0 [# B( t9 _$ {1 A
你让我脸发热$ s7 E' p& V+ u$ R7 U' w$ P5 d
我爱上你的大嘴唇
( S" Y# H( `5 o7 F: z! B3 j$ O6 GXXXXX& j' i  @6 Q0 t7 x1 a! s" c, A/ N
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
& k4 T3 n9 c. m) Q+ ^

6 I1 d! {3 ]3 t- |# ]4 P靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.* {4 ]7 x* L4 g
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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