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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love9 g- v4 n0 `. A: _+ M' x
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I fell in love with you " c* A" s2 P8 w# H9 s
At the first week we met( |- }6 b- r  U, o8 R  \' e$ R4 C

. W( }9 \/ a- C5 {: P" J$ rYou have charm, you have looks
1 e- G# P( M3 swith full of pimples in face! F  k" x. I! T, ], b" ^' ?( `1 L
As spotting sky at a summer night
! d. g" L0 [  o# D) Q! AThey are shining stars/ T2 O/ s. I/ n, X
3 h' _2 J1 B  T# s4 l
Your lip is so big. A% h- w1 r2 w8 o
And that’s good for a kiss0 o' k, e7 y! Z' `& {  Y
Your body is chubby
! H( A/ |; S; P3 b$ \9 \# iAnd that is good for sex3 G8 y& \) V% G+ v) g

5 _0 y  i; H2 L" }I was deeply in love& s+ V8 X& c& @& V
Everything from you is positive
+ E6 S1 l7 }( A) ^8 D/ P' @! M1 aYou blame me everything and everyday
% Z. G+ x. ?  q  KAnd I think all girls sound like! u! H. f0 g% b2 |# Z9 e  j: y
5 S; v/ \  S- ^( X/ p6 b
You could not stand my eating+ M7 N# F4 @+ X! |
Saying no good for making funny sound
- n+ |/ Q: T, e9 O! O6 QI think you are perfectly right
: U5 F7 S; ?! C  r" P7 nEating with sound is a pig6 \- C  b# h  A4 I  L6 {. t3 Z, h8 u

: @; \2 l# z. j; UI fell in love with you
* n3 h! @) d: I  s, o! NBecome a fool to think
, G, p: R5 B4 J0 F6 uAll trouble things you did
( T2 |& Y; D8 u: I7 D9 MAnd that is the price for love8 a" Y1 f; h5 B* ^

8 U/ b% D- r4 b- x+ Zyou are deeply in love
% o" Q. ~9 M0 M6 v9 P. H: q2 ZEverything from me is negative
5 Z- R2 h: I2 ~( S"My man should be like this,9 W" `* E2 j; ?: K' F
and I am helping you to improve'+ o( H# m' q* _. z

# x' d9 ?; `# d) I1 _4 d) {' pYou are loving me ' U+ g# J: ^0 S9 h' P3 {
or that one in your mind?) }4 Y; m# |) e- ~$ z4 ]; F
My mind is like a mud
3 \/ J- w- A9 E: J8 P9 |can be shaped whatever you want
2 K: O% R2 C% e* P/ T; M- k* M, ^
  I  E- G* U- V% _9 B6 h; R  M" Gunfortunalety not my heart9 o+ n( E  w- C1 M3 u; p( n
It is slashed by you
0 j$ `# G4 {6 S. T9 k, }2 w+ ?and I am seriously hurt. Y9 E# Q) |& U3 j
% d0 A% r  G/ R: P) {
I will never love another % ~5 B; h% @( z5 I( N
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 4 Q0 x* g' {9 V7 @% |( S$ k$ Q  c, Q
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!. R( W( @5 F! s) i
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
1 f7 ?9 f, K" U% y0 `8 mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.$ o, V) d; X# _4 z4 g7 s; ?* j
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed) v: w- a6 Y' h4 i4 [

  {- ]! E, v& Y8 Ewith the charm,
4 P# Y2 Y6 Q. N4 z" n% swith the simles.( k$ p, g/ a% S  J
I fell in love with you
( A/ [, @5 ], hIn the first sign.
+ d" G' {+ {! C9 X# @0 EAs spotting sky at a summer , {+ A6 w- `% i# i( V

% H+ t/ r* Z' u( a. s2 [3 GYour lip is so soft $ W8 H  C) W1 E% b$ J; a1 r
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss9 r4 k  X& K3 U# {& v9 h" B" @0 l
Your body is so sexy
5 ^+ R5 B( x$ h8 q2 M/ cAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.1 U* ~- B2 s' n: g5 g. e
0 C7 |' K- b1 k5 ~4 R; Y
I am deeply in love
, B  B. X% d  R$ dEverything from you is so charming" }* x! e: G& H7 U6 I: b. o& m+ @
although You r so picky for me
8 R0 w7 O& }% s9 f0 q) bAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.' Y0 B, s0 A% Q4 N
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
1 _: Z2 I" ]. C) X9 h1 Y1 n6 u: N) ]+ e( m
$ G/ y9 j8 h& h  }+ N+ m
His hello is the end of her endings2 ^1 ?- Q* A. H/ c) Y4 S8 S9 ]
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
; P$ S4 Q  O8 d# i% v. x' D# tHis hand would be hers to hold forever. p: v- s. l) e6 H+ X+ f7 c& m
His forever is simply as her smile % j/ W( _6 t8 E6 m, T/ s- G
He said she was what was missing
8 d+ c% W. D2 n1 vShe said instantly she knew, u" x) k. s  Z- a0 H  S
She was a question to be answered) b! g2 V# r  _* k5 x2 R/ ~
And his answer is
2 I* E$ @6 T8 K- K/ x" w. G; pI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt& b7 [/ D7 b/ S5 i4 A( b

0 h+ v' ?% z8 F/ P) WIt's amazing how I felt
# F, c! D0 G, a, e( s5 a9 L" H, uwhen I was with you
5 {* W' W5 t5 _' Q% \1 `My heart beat so fast. m! j) L4 @# d' ]
I looked at you and thought
: a/ a/ O" x$ e7 DHoly Jesus, you were so cute* R0 s( a% M5 K! J/ N% z0 _

) b8 W0 d! g( t# }You left me without a word
, D% D$ H' A% B( OI have nothing except my emptiness3 `6 p) A1 S. s& h0 T6 ^
My mood is like a cloud. C) ~8 N: o+ v- ~
How could it be dispersed?& H8 R! ^2 y: X: R; g8 g
7 p7 p+ ^+ m9 K: u- u8 ?
Feelings bite my heart 1 `8 P- |% ?# w* g6 _" L% D: D$ g/ O
You are the right one I wait
  u& O, L& Q9 ]% f' N+ I) S0 PIn the depth of my soul. L" u: ~) ~# Z, m  `/ ^3 ]+ h
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 w' S8 h; }) z/ D- ~你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
& S& ~* s% n4 K就和用中文写一次
4 r# M( V* z& @+ I2 ~: h. f2 u, s: z% p$ z阿,我爱你
/ w  e+ E+ v: l" ~  o你让我心跳好快
; D4 Z3 F3 ^/ B9 O你让我脸发热! ~5 ?: s% Y. M) X2 R! k" e
我爱上你的大嘴唇
1 |! i! ]3 D5 O" D6 A4 PXXXXX
+ O  p+ l$ @; ~: K3 U$ r3 {: K不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
9 m! |* z) Y$ R& I, ~5 i5 z1 Z0 V/ J# A- W! O
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
& k  h# N- ]* r& b/ y1 k至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 & l" _, u5 ]' a* b8 x$ }9 b
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" s' \  `& G4 y5 D- F你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 s4 M& W% `: S8 |* `7 m就和用中文写一次
5 b2 ]  [9 O$ i5 ^, ^- Q阿,我爱你
% _) j7 }& p: B/ t你让我心跳好快5 _, w: m; q1 ?7 o& @4 o
你让我脸发热* B2 W5 ?! |5 k) T' Y$ ~
我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ K0 n; M0 y2 G+ Y( x3 @, N1 y3 TXXXXX
; g$ W9 u) z1 Y1 b" G" P0 N$ |不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca./ s" h8 V. }' i! A
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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