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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love8 O- }+ Y3 f# @0 x8 \# q& P4 Y/ F( Q
! _& Q# Q7 F( x2 T0 H- Z( t+ B
I fell in love with you
6 N$ j6 q0 q$ {/ [6 VAt the first week we met
+ ~! E8 G7 i# M5 C% i: k
  n9 B0 X9 N0 A2 N, ^, M7 PYou have charm, you have looks
& h* V! ?. t9 j& c  ywith full of pimples in face
' x/ M1 `/ D1 vAs spotting sky at a summer night
/ h' s9 k) O3 Z4 Z2 V* l* X1 lThey are shining stars
- U% C6 S6 {# R9 l; P; k" ?( x
2 G% b- F# o  c$ @# cYour lip is so big
4 o* g- D" Q' Q2 x! zAnd that’s good for a kiss
& W$ J2 w( E- @% F# kYour body is chubby
5 A$ |: s/ b' B) n: `+ Q1 hAnd that is good for sex/ r- |6 E. \- I0 Y" [
5 U' t6 N1 P* p& ^9 n2 u
I was deeply in love
" d! @5 ~( [. b; X+ ]Everything from you is positive. x! _1 t; l  \! R( [; x
You blame me everything and everyday
( o( R4 J2 C+ e1 _And I think all girls sound like" K: f; O4 @" Q, U

0 b% e# L  K+ y' ^2 D; @3 jYou could not stand my eating
# X) b# l( m4 L# tSaying no good for making funny sound) I: {- b: ~5 H7 u/ c/ e8 L8 t4 \# @
I think you are perfectly right" S8 X* K) f! `1 h% c0 ]
Eating with sound is a pig
% E" z1 \2 _) `: L
4 j% u2 K0 H  g, N% ]) U8 SI fell in love with you % n- Y. @5 C/ J" L
Become a fool to think
7 h# x, j6 R  v4 `* F. hAll trouble things you did
. `* r1 t/ ~! D$ @And that is the price for love
' [4 n  T$ ]- Z* s/ k
9 v! k. Z. n/ l+ ]/ R. B* _3 lyou are deeply in love
* u, u* s* s# v& S2 V# oEverything from me is negative
$ r5 R/ q+ V1 ^/ }"My man should be like this,
1 @6 k  h& J- s' o; _0 Jand I am helping you to improve'$ V; {) A& b4 `0 i' |/ I
4 A" }, [( K2 W" ], \- v
You are loving me
8 d) y8 J$ A5 L6 M, u0 ]5 ]/ k8 yor that one in your mind?
8 T) R" R1 r/ c/ _- H( Y9 X9 f* FMy mind is like a mud" @7 r3 Z# T4 i# D5 _
can be shaped whatever you want8 z+ x. V9 @) [& r0 w

* Z! _8 Z5 ~, Aunfortunalety not my heart
$ S/ T* F  `9 o+ bIt is slashed by you
7 F+ o) n/ m5 t8 sand I am seriously hurt; ^* d+ ^$ C+ d" ]5 ]+ B* r' [

: ~* c2 e3 q* k6 p) ?4 p9 EI will never love another
4 T" R% Q& B/ l/ F6 t5 r9 IIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
' Z0 j% Z% q: [# {# P2 `$ d0 b$ Lmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 d; @5 t# f: V& L* n8 E% S
+ l/ l, J7 T, K! V/ G' M! {咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
5 |* w2 s& U/ f7 ^6 x! q/ g7 b不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
4 b0 ^8 ]9 h* |  a$ ?5 pi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.+ v8 {* M) N6 x: w* S- @
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
9 I0 `* w$ m: x- X
6 @  G1 Z/ K- g3 e  I) i. jwith the charm,! g3 v2 f5 I! f' |
with the simles.0 V- H$ O8 l4 [
I fell in love with you
7 p  Q: }7 m$ t  _9 K) vIn the first sign.
0 \4 ^! X" t& ?: F+ xAs spotting sky at a summer
0 G% g8 h( S- S2 N2 h5 D4 r8 A- T7 s  ]; V% X( z( o* l; R
Your lip is so soft
; O, O( `- ^5 G% u0 H0 K. ^4 N7 Athere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
8 c4 H/ y0 t! |" k- J8 nYour body is so sexy
0 l+ G$ u$ G1 }6 H" l" DAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.3 U: l3 A# \# C/ C

; {' G% ~& L( L% `I am deeply in love  ~$ _3 t% d$ X" _, D; S+ `
Everything from you is so charming
  ^# T- E& c5 b$ Z+ _; g) [! _although You r so picky for me
6 k3 l3 G- W2 f4 Z4 w5 zAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.) O0 @4 u% K0 ~& p/ F' F6 j
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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5 i, ?6 s7 G' s( A+ r
His hello is the end of her endings! `( X4 D3 |" \5 _1 F
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
: o( T% W/ F" i5 J$ NHis hand would be hers to hold forever
  Q8 I- e5 ]* y% J" XHis forever is simply as her smile
7 M3 ^  t1 B+ H& u3 `" [  r+ OHe said she was what was missing0 m2 k% l1 C0 Y+ ?7 @! {; P
She said instantly she knew
- H. M, S1 e, m& vShe was a question to be answered
5 p& [1 u& l' aAnd his answer is
  [- a2 V4 T. ^. `! v  p) II do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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" @  m5 ?0 e0 o( EBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
& ]2 P1 W& Q. n8 k) D5 I" [# l+ ^/ w4 K$ Q! q& M) j) X7 ^
It's amazing how I felt
2 D1 ?5 b5 ^3 `& U% s# Kwhen I was with you) q7 P% m9 B) k! d  w
My heart beat so fast) j8 C: X& ~& L1 I4 s& U
I looked at you and thought, g' Q/ G, U  h$ `% Y! E
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
0 B6 c+ u# {% b. L& l8 d' i0 b' {& E
2 p5 w5 `7 F2 t2 w  Z: MYou left me without a word4 ]6 T8 a: W, n# ^2 x" o
I have nothing except my emptiness
$ y) Y7 y( M; q, ?! ~' MMy mood is like a cloud( C* \4 d, _1 I) P! _. L
How could it be dispersed?
3 [- {; _: \0 e# f5 J( n! ~7 u: i3 n# a5 B0 ]: @
Feelings bite my heart ' y% F  G  h, `9 F/ V# s
You are the right one I wait
  f& [4 i1 C9 t  h/ vIn the depth of my soul
# Z! k, h! E$ ~- [6 {I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 K* K6 l  _5 N5 t& G7 p. b
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) P. z6 b1 g7 `/ @8 v/ Z就和用中文写一次) F3 K, l1 ?. l) y
阿,我爱你$ z1 \% ~" G' T
你让我心跳好快
; M! K  Y8 r* c7 c你让我脸发热9 a2 M: {0 I4 B" W
我爱上你的大嘴唇; S& F$ i4 R1 y( |, r4 s
XXXXX' Q) b' O  j/ g5 \) g
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
  F. e) ]9 ~9 u  {" R
6 l0 T( E) H. p' Q/ O) a. ]* @如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
, P( f9 g3 H+ A/ Z至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 " V; }* I% Q" X% G0 O+ g
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美2 V. Z7 V$ m% X( r" X: i! l
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! V: h) a* p# p; N7 l就和用中文写一次' K5 [  U( U: m; K* i9 g8 c: g6 \
阿,我爱你; K0 @; a/ @& g3 a) F/ P2 M! I$ Q* L
你让我心跳好快  n9 ~6 b9 ?' k- Z$ _
你让我脸发热
4 _. Q9 Q2 R! i4 c. L  }我爱上你的大嘴唇0 |) S" n! f; j& S
XXXXX
- G( g4 Y3 c) D+ s不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
  l- F, w* B- F4 c2 z+ d7 T5 V0 o- t

) V# t! p+ P, Z' f0 M% x靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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