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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
" w0 z; B4 W* Y" o: d
/ W$ B1 t% j% j  Y' XI fell in love with you
3 m. k& G7 d# L# g* U8 \; M. RAt the first week we met
; d+ ]$ S, Y) ]- ]# Z2 j' L( }4 x; z) M$ R1 _
You have charm, you have looks
/ ~  m6 k' a) x6 J9 R& ]with full of pimples in face  W9 i9 r2 K+ h, m( F
As spotting sky at a summer night
' E# {  k1 X7 e. I/ Z- [0 TThey are shining stars
  n% L; H7 p. a+ Y
$ f) Y# ^8 z, g, VYour lip is so big9 v. U8 r& \6 F  B4 G# ?
And that’s good for a kiss
: Q- y9 N' J4 e' k2 c6 `* y2 JYour body is chubby7 t/ d1 A! `+ v( K
And that is good for sex
( H. b9 B5 ^. x# R1 C9 q5 ^% K6 i" b! m2 B# z
I was deeply in love
3 X9 f- d, }* _' \Everything from you is positive
  v% _/ w% ^) V6 `# I1 \  @4 hYou blame me everything and everyday: o6 z1 K" c& g) z9 X, o
And I think all girls sound like
9 z% P" [+ {5 Q  ?; w) X) d- z8 ~7 Z5 V/ Y
You could not stand my eating6 g, I$ x. L5 a8 V8 c9 _: Q
Saying no good for making funny sound
6 b% n. y+ ^4 E; R% Y7 lI think you are perfectly right
4 y9 P0 S" P$ }$ [( QEating with sound is a pig) T' u8 s5 l  Z& j. ^
; d2 D; B$ f' t  N4 C, z# ]
I fell in love with you
) n2 d( |/ ^6 w* b0 GBecome a fool to think
9 T% Q" |) a) D1 D' z+ CAll trouble things you did
& o4 a1 T8 I+ t8 y+ e+ K, iAnd that is the price for love
9 l' ]7 T; T6 E& L! J3 z6 ~# F. H/ Q: U$ }' s  v
you are deeply in love
2 Y. l+ ~* M, @% N  m$ NEverything from me is negative  t0 g4 C3 \: ?2 f
"My man should be like this,6 Z1 e5 B( ?: B, I2 o7 r2 B, ]
and I am helping you to improve'
5 s1 @' d+ L3 W+ o' }( |& f4 ]; h# r4 P
You are loving me " l9 B1 T- k  h  O; B
or that one in your mind?5 N) n  e: g* A, ~. e, O
My mind is like a mud+ ~  Q  J0 l/ U# h
can be shaped whatever you want1 o$ }! t, |0 y' j3 L, f- i( ]
; K' v& G- _+ a0 N: D
unfortunalety not my heart
8 n* ~- q9 M8 w: |8 u0 uIt is slashed by you
, Y$ F% F+ q  Z; @and I am seriously hurt( K7 R* s5 `! Y; U+ Q3 J

2 |9 G/ o6 I* p9 r0 ~I will never love another ( h, T& \5 O) _2 a6 ]  s. J( @" X
If my heart can be fixed
大型搬家
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 4 ~# O5 h+ o" W! j8 i4 x) x
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

# m# U+ d9 \* J) H3 p* C5 ]/ H7 x
0 J# \- g$ j9 z4 ?: J: u咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!) F, ^3 t+ Q+ |- p
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, - P- N( v' j! D& }6 `
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
/ a9 B- K" I# z$ Y& X8 }And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
& w2 \. O* ^) ^0 b% I
/ z5 ^( i( `' F8 J* ~with the charm,$ y  v4 [6 O1 A
with the simles.
& a$ v( s* O( @# QI fell in love with you
+ i4 s& Y$ E+ n7 DIn the first sign.
4 s1 z( Z. f- \' ~8 C* e5 |As spotting sky at a summer
* d& _% n) |0 e6 ]9 A% P# J; a+ J( B
Your lip is so soft 4 j1 t( r* H0 I  j+ b- N! f
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
  @1 j# D% ~# X- H! j) a! g4 HYour body is so sexy; }5 {0 U1 O% A# v/ ^$ `
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.1 F/ q' J' t9 E& p1 L4 u/ }
2 Y9 O# l+ P9 `5 ^/ W* l
I am deeply in love
4 [8 K+ G9 a' s) L) ?  rEverything from you is so charming0 F6 {# g. z  _. U' ?) d
although You r so picky for me ; v* ]8 R0 D' a" M: A' l+ a
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.2 W, q% z  H- v. b4 P' b+ z) r, d
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem: g3 ^# c$ ]! {- S; W" b
' Y2 }& x3 Z+ U! Y1 |1 a/ }
; T1 }7 A' u5 m! X3 i; \
His hello is the end of her endings1 x# }; v3 R+ f
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
) W4 {/ c0 ^+ E! L) o- fHis hand would be hers to hold forever
, e9 p& y6 b3 y4 K* D# zHis forever is simply as her smile
: T/ f' T* ?0 T. [$ w% U) nHe said she was what was missing* \2 l8 ?! L7 @2 T5 b9 K9 d7 s
She said instantly she knew
) o& l* s' k9 `0 T8 g) _: iShe was a question to be answered. x* o' K" f& c5 D3 [. U  B
And his answer is
. @) K9 x& \8 y1 B# v. t( JI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: |7 v0 X* G  L
& {4 S8 ?  p1 SBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt0 g9 S- h1 v4 s6 ^. [3 y

& V2 R( ~8 K2 ?. r9 w4 q" \It's amazing how I felt
" S9 x1 L! w( hwhen I was with you! E! l! M' f  o8 P1 B0 q3 H0 p
My heart beat so fast
. l, ^) w3 d8 F3 K6 I. ]I looked at you and thought9 K1 K' U" Y5 A1 z0 W$ j
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
) c0 m; h8 _8 x" }" I% \- Z1 D1 w0 u: T: z
You left me without a word
4 w7 f" J9 }7 I/ ^, Y5 L, J+ NI have nothing except my emptiness
9 R" U3 c4 v% S  k" WMy mood is like a cloud! n6 ~4 V3 e8 e7 Q4 E
How could it be dispersed?
" J% O7 T* Z. p% x4 U4 a% _$ z
( a/ C  `2 k. G; E7 s  zFeelings bite my heart * r& V/ B. ?, t, Y9 k& I5 Z* a- T
You are the right one I wait  l2 C  ^% B7 l' j7 D; u/ u0 v9 `
In the depth of my soul# b! L* W5 m% }$ j/ R
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
, Y, X9 x( R$ o2 S# _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道) G8 V8 d; \( L% a+ P) u
就和用中文写一次
' e$ F6 J% ]; q3 P$ x阿,我爱你+ e2 K( x7 S2 {, Y2 v' s6 d
你让我心跳好快: R" |% p2 B: H* t
你让我脸发热( N1 N; \% |( E
我爱上你的大嘴唇4 Z# s! U4 N" k5 _" f' }. k
XXXXX
# A5 _4 c% ]  b不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
1 d' S/ N: ?5 o/ r1 o" _" t
6 B0 Q$ k) [  Q, Q3 j- k  q如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
6 q6 C) @. {! _至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
4 M2 d, c* O4 k4 r: a$ A% @+ X闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美% ], W0 r$ n, q: s* L8 x0 j/ p; d
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道- e( c, O4 V* `" [; L$ p6 j0 d, h# s9 b
就和用中文写一次
. J7 q1 X$ `! H6 [阿,我爱你
$ ~  y/ F2 u5 t# k' }3 |! `9 B你让我心跳好快
! v' A7 u" l) B  q7 q9 a* W+ q你让我脸发热1 Q) m. y4 u" r9 m* J/ V2 s0 g
我爱上你的大嘴唇
0 S# V" O; L2 e- q* ]XXXXX
7 z) q& J! ^  ?" w& f7 i, N不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

; O( U& f! G9 t+ Y/ N! m/ R& F0 A- ?1 P
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
大型搬家
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.) C+ |7 A$ E: y' [' c  v2 u7 Q& T
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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