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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
" `) B, Y5 D) i  D- \3 E+ q, ^5 ~' C
I fell in love with you
( \1 b- F( N3 I/ DAt the first week we met- j2 f/ k& k7 U8 C. e# E, i9 p) \

3 V: O" I8 K- l3 m5 q9 XYou have charm, you have looks
$ Q9 F4 V8 H. y( f0 c- pwith full of pimples in face8 _; z% Z' m( r! }8 O0 m
As spotting sky at a summer night' Y3 o$ k/ l- j$ c7 V
They are shining stars
9 r# h; P  f8 w& ^5 d& i  E& X. S5 Q5 L* @7 T4 l+ q
Your lip is so big
9 I  C, D" t) YAnd that’s good for a kiss; j& j# r0 m+ a: M
Your body is chubby
" f% Q2 x" g; n% z% E0 RAnd that is good for sex
$ P' i8 o$ j: c# g- C: d
$ a5 F6 p  G$ \8 P2 c( z# ^I was deeply in love$ S5 Z8 P; S( Z$ I/ ^) e8 J, W
Everything from you is positive( u* K, G) s6 x0 F; i
You blame me everything and everyday
- Y' G6 S8 P& d% k! H. X+ AAnd I think all girls sound like4 I7 L$ F& j# N6 E: ]' n
; ^6 }! K! A8 @2 l
You could not stand my eating
0 Z0 [3 N4 n; N0 z# H2 w2 XSaying no good for making funny sound
9 `/ J1 D; L9 _I think you are perfectly right
; J' t' b* R, E, j2 W( K; EEating with sound is a pig
& Q9 p3 d" e$ M0 R" ^5 _6 C. s" z% D! e; S9 q& S( `5 w
I fell in love with you
6 `0 }4 E2 c+ p# m$ K8 UBecome a fool to think/ d8 P9 s6 I+ \+ d
All trouble things you did! |) x0 U. h+ ]5 T2 F
And that is the price for love
+ n7 ]8 }( [- n$ k- d  L0 u8 X8 l: p4 P4 U) M2 t! j
you are deeply in love
9 F. M9 U5 q9 l& C% R- ~; P* d4 O4 vEverything from me is negative( e! }, U* @2 r% e3 H
"My man should be like this,8 t+ R3 ~+ I5 c& g) I# L) R4 M4 n# }
and I am helping you to improve'
& e4 L. W/ m- ~1 t( q0 Y3 ^9 d7 N5 s8 k& s0 S" b, Q# m7 X) ]; N
You are loving me $ ^+ o  r2 |$ D/ Y- r; a( r, S4 H
or that one in your mind?
0 B4 b0 W' T3 |; LMy mind is like a mud
* b# @$ Z; w# A* i3 _! L, ycan be shaped whatever you want3 c- L8 U& d6 ?6 X

3 w" m- r: c$ @& R! xunfortunalety not my heart2 ?( ~: k  f/ ?8 o! n% l9 }# u
It is slashed by you 4 ?$ \5 l; O6 y, L
and I am seriously hurt8 e% `; z3 }0 ]( o# l; `

' I( z" [" i4 RI will never love another
& o5 R* \; T9 K4 h6 x) m0 k# H- XIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 4 Y7 S8 T- x0 }4 W( E
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
- b0 L' w) F; Z: t  D2 d% J

- }: r/ g$ B9 M6 D咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
/ Q( H+ U4 d$ r+ e# \不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite,
, D8 A8 @+ F) Y1 Si am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
* J% P) b( }. f. l) FAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed  X0 A# u! n0 l' q# k$ W4 `
  T0 a: _+ y. ~  Q- m% }
with the charm,* @- E9 }: t( K; m
with the simles.! M8 M6 M7 Z4 q
I fell in love with you
# ^# g9 [) I, F1 F& v3 SIn the first sign.4 k+ ~  I& H: D
As spotting sky at a summer
. K$ Z. h6 f4 q2 P+ @6 @
" _7 V" s6 o, P4 I* rYour lip is so soft
0 O7 K0 V6 D& _* T$ ythere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss; n$ s, e) Z- g* w8 T
Your body is so sexy9 E6 [' x" T* ~) J' \  h
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.$ u3 c1 V. }" q0 W5 p
! Y" U9 r( W% [3 ^5 w8 [7 J
I am deeply in love2 m4 t( k( C% t
Everything from you is so charming4 H: k( J( @" ?. j) h
although You r so picky for me 8 c8 E4 C. g+ Y6 v- [) P* H! `7 J
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
6 U7 w1 Z. u$ aBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem- l4 O5 ^! h' C) E5 o5 Z

9 k; [( ?2 ~/ y' V! Y& j# V( g* F9 B: n" o0 B+ t3 F2 }
His hello is the end of her endings* f3 m" M+ N* N: ~- Z6 ]
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle- I; p8 A& T( p/ v
His hand would be hers to hold forever
7 B# q( X" F( `8 N  dHis forever is simply as her smile " P1 ^. }! r. {: B9 L
He said she was what was missing
3 u" p; M; G+ P! K" O% |5 QShe said instantly she knew4 l: u! J6 c/ ]9 `
She was a question to be answered, O, C4 p  ~! U6 b, X; V/ J8 D
And his answer is 5 J- u# ~5 I& t
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas# b$ q3 ^+ Q: |$ e- q
) t  B; A* B# Q" W7 X
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
6 a2 Z3 \: o) b8 z6 J+ V
4 w$ o+ `4 f. q, V4 {It's amazing how I felt " h5 [5 H% R8 ~9 ^
when I was with you/ q- I) A9 E. N- W3 w
My heart beat so fast
# b( u8 ^8 [$ ~& lI looked at you and thought& P% e' Q% }2 q* _
Holy Jesus, you were so cute% Z! X, c& f( `" T% u, I# \7 @1 |

- p) B3 L+ u# ?; HYou left me without a word# |5 Z3 {0 }, C8 K/ y2 u
I have nothing except my emptiness
1 l" }' A  C) W: EMy mood is like a cloud. W, J5 v6 n4 W1 X  A6 l9 y+ X. |
How could it be dispersed?" n/ o5 Y  y& k$ w, V

6 a- p& t3 D1 }$ p$ OFeelings bite my heart 7 s. r* i$ |3 K5 E  Z! V$ u
You are the right one I wait
% [* E; Z  {7 M$ F% B' xIn the depth of my soul
- n( z/ c: T5 N+ Q& e" }' M6 A" }I will love you till I'm dead
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美  b3 l, L$ T$ Y4 V8 t/ ?; U
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, Q- u2 {2 K& l就和用中文写一次4 G# U, k/ l& @- l
阿,我爱你6 u& L/ }9 A' ?# h8 @9 z( U
你让我心跳好快
+ g8 K6 Y" U. |你让我脸发热1 M" v2 n" ]) H( @, ]( ^  Y
我爱上你的大嘴唇# l% }$ M" i. T
XXXXX  F* @2 @& r) k! f& r3 }
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
; V7 }; R7 K2 V% K$ W( U/ o' G: ^( ?9 _
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER9 b3 F9 b5 }' e3 J3 H. Y
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 1 |9 L, V' f- F& ~. q$ m& v5 b. S
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* G9 [# N' [) H
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# [  k/ j, |' F# T7 v& @* {3 w& r0 U就和用中文写一次2 I- p- w; D. u, q, ]& Z. @
阿,我爱你
* w  n9 A; t7 q  q你让我心跳好快
& t- b2 W* Q$ ]" l. T1 p4 ~; n你让我脸发热
- B& m& E2 N$ e. P: I1 E" R' Z我爱上你的大嘴唇( Q- L  L$ q6 f7 @
XXXXX
7 c+ W! d5 q% u* Z! ?/ n& k不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
5 \5 W) J# M8 s  W

* a5 w/ Y6 m% t2 S, T" ~靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.& E. e: D2 P- o
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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