我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
4 J( y; _: Y4 c8 K2 U7 b
+ O0 e6 K( E* A1 M3 vI fell in love with you
1 I% s0 Q2 `  Z/ o% A" lAt the first week we met
" W3 b7 `+ D/ _( P( F
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
- ?* F; f) Z  O3 y5 n1 sAs spotting sky at a summer night
  P; B( T3 r; J6 r$ }7 n8 PThey are shining stars

0 X* a$ g( m& ?+ m' O3 mYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
) p/ d7 _$ m. `
I was deeply in love
. L/ R- _. A. i* G2 v9 E. XEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
+ g- O2 `$ T: b2 ^$ vAnd I think all girls sound like

- u$ j3 f' [+ B* R" l9 f; TYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
, x* r7 d8 a/ Q( l* D8 b4 W% K8 qEating with sound is a pig
0 _4 ^5 X3 U, H' F! ?
- Z! |8 Y1 i7 G" t5 W) zI fell in love with you
$ S. S* z  u3 Q6 j$ `* aBecome a fool to think
  C" o& r! |0 k4 d$ M8 GAll trouble things you did
# |/ _4 e3 q* `. O' U4 ZAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
; G3 `9 d. E8 @) \. @2 Y1 EEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
$ o- O2 z1 ?4 ?4 b9 w+ O
2 \9 ~5 [( `) T6 h# @You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
9 N2 W) I' U8 a- V& u, c$ i
unfortunalety not my heart
7 G9 q8 U1 D, _" }/ W/ R9 DIt is slashed by you
, h; B8 O7 Z! z2 h! d' f" m2 [and I am seriously hurt
' |1 w) P4 l$ V8 S* {
I will never love another
$ B- N& ], _2 g3 v4 }* s% `, M3 ~- E) ?If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 |; B+ o9 p8 s- j3 Y* A( Wmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" i9 e- n$ M% A! y# H
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

* }4 k) K# o5 ewith the charm,
with the simles.
# [/ \4 \; f" F6 P7 s0 p# W9 FI fell in love with you
% e, L! R. S+ }4 ~2 C& T# u# tIn the first sign.
8 c) \# P, F- i+ [; ?; x/ ZAs spotting sky at a summer
: Q$ u( F% h2 u: r( `" S7 j5 ?# s
Your lip is so soft
8 w. ~% b6 a0 W; E/ w+ T' E7 b+ ?there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
8 M8 O( P9 m8 d" s. nAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
, _; \, M. s5 J- y" Q! t2 VBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
" d0 {% m, a; p6 r; ~6 z
- Q# P9 v: @, b2 P2 i  Y) B: q5 w
  b/ L7 j% a/ w5 f) P8 i  PHis hello is the end of her endings
" M, l7 a6 S( `" ~4 ?# [Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
+ `: W1 c, z. d' s: |2 GHis forever is simply as her smile
1 B3 U& R8 }/ v+ THe said she was what was missing
+ E5 B% p) u0 R; hShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
& J$ i% T' ~# ^% r' {7 |$ ?And his answer is
- h+ `3 }  X! P+ b1 K8 N: D4 k- _I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
9 k6 {; M; `# M+ x% _
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
/ {' h9 Q% d, |% ?4 W" u
It's amazing how I felt
: L4 J: d2 s& @1 R; G4 g9 nwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
" d$ S( Y! K6 Q2 [, ^I looked at you and thought
3 [0 u) ]& ]# K* CHoly Jesus, you were so cute

- N# i1 D' L0 `2 v- V# M0 v/ [You left me without a word
& @8 F0 k6 V  ]* C) b5 FI have nothing except my emptiness
  m  F+ V2 J% U" \My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

' f% ^9 q, i5 p6 ~2 i$ rFeelings bite my heart
( W/ \0 {: p( V: l  ]: kYou are the right one I wait
9 _+ \8 ]% w9 \( u" z4 {3 K  fIn the depth of my soul
- i+ `. A7 k) a& y: d5 i) B" w/ VI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
. H2 F, ]- Q) ]5 G  K5 H6 b4 M你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
9 t2 K! f0 u! Q5 \+ z% n7 Y阿,我爱你
7 `" }/ J7 I7 n; f. ~你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
1 f: Z, B# Z% g3 q8 H我爱上你的大嘴唇
; i" ?( V& {4 I- K( PXXXXX
; \( I; m9 C/ Q不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
9 m  U/ W2 R! m) {& f( Q- w- Y! E
  o2 S% k" y) o; V8 d* A. {) q如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ V9 O( n( A$ ]% @4 I就和用中文写一次
1 ]& Q# @1 G, J# Z1 `阿,我爱你
0 P  h3 k' J' \7 e) }你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
3 T2 [) L. i* P/ B我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
) g/ ?9 B4 X* p8 _不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

  d5 n* R1 p6 A( ]$ U; x. i
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
8 T. Z" b% b1 ]# c% g

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。