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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
1 ?9 P* F- k( P4 |, Y7 T% C! q$ h; \+ C
2 T5 R7 s+ S5 x1 e: ]4 K" xI fell in love with you
) y3 x: v- X2 ^3 V5 D6 {4 H1 l6 cAt the first week we met
" V/ x" t$ [5 J& l) g3 Y3 i0 f3 S0 ]
, \+ R6 d$ c6 o7 Y# S( b) [You have charm, you have looks: l! w) B! A) @9 J9 f2 m  c6 u
with full of pimples in face& B. B: f0 _5 _8 [
As spotting sky at a summer night) G. h% X3 v7 }1 i
They are shining stars# L+ W9 c. h: y& `8 W$ q, ?( Z

4 A' s  ~3 A- f. K4 q5 \! i1 B& EYour lip is so big
: @9 d3 N& p3 VAnd that’s good for a kiss6 o  Q; B- [3 D6 i7 [, b
Your body is chubby
& X, u' l/ D6 m' C; E: q* w  p; S* TAnd that is good for sex
8 W! `: d# m/ Y, ?' M) D
- m# c5 h5 x# w5 C% P! GI was deeply in love
3 N" F' G# ]$ pEverything from you is positive/ o7 K) l/ [' D. Q2 c
You blame me everything and everyday
/ w" |5 a# o; a5 u1 [; A- g( s# {And I think all girls sound like, I2 _2 h( m' ~
6 `- C( I: r, v2 a
You could not stand my eating( \* k0 }  m& L8 e% w9 `( R
Saying no good for making funny sound+ E$ j/ I3 f' d& |
I think you are perfectly right
5 e4 `$ d- I6 k4 a3 }6 b, nEating with sound is a pig+ l! I* ]& r) c8 ]( X& K  `
! s$ {0 w: Y1 h5 D7 s% {2 T4 ~
I fell in love with you
8 p  m0 h1 b3 ]' ^  W$ D5 r8 vBecome a fool to think5 i! v) _6 |7 H. G  g: E* [+ j* v$ k% X
All trouble things you did
9 @% N  d, y, U' m) z0 q) M# P9 sAnd that is the price for love" K$ Y9 R4 H# |0 Y9 J; i

8 }, m* N# H8 Uyou are deeply in love
/ }! e# L' Q6 W0 {Everything from me is negative: l; o7 R, ~# E; j
"My man should be like this,
. e- X2 \7 F* `1 [4 C! N: |/ X1 `and I am helping you to improve'( U5 j: J# ]2 D8 Z0 ^0 d: s, X8 e
( L& Y4 _& F% `$ J
You are loving me * O6 l. b, O3 C' e3 X' O2 S3 P
or that one in your mind?; Z, Q7 H2 m0 S( K6 r
My mind is like a mud" K9 e4 k: u" B. V* F
can be shaped whatever you want$ S& c6 p6 B9 e7 v
- F) S; b+ x, u9 ^& c
unfortunalety not my heart
0 i5 S1 D" Z# V  R8 v' r9 bIt is slashed by you
$ C8 f% E7 b! i* l3 P2 ?and I am seriously hurt$ x! R& `; g" k- L3 v8 Y6 j2 C
! `4 D: l: n) m8 X
I will never love another
2 n1 J- J( `) _* TIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
& J9 N5 x( R) |+ W( ~% \% {my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

- E9 t- r+ C. l& ]
3 t4 ]; c& p  I5 Y: t( H咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!9 n: t" x' N, y3 f6 d
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 0 {7 L  ^4 A* a& g4 t
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.) }- t( m# a0 V0 n$ t7 ~7 B
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
3 B7 E# E% l/ q% U9 N! J) Y; D: t4 t3 p3 s6 z1 k$ Y
with the charm,# V# t7 v# T* \8 j8 A" W( x
with the simles.7 I: [- I* z$ J) D. _5 X; y+ o
I fell in love with you 0 ^/ z9 @9 S; @2 c8 _5 z
In the first sign.! i6 d. V; b% y2 c0 ^+ @: }
As spotting sky at a summer # }2 ]8 J/ a8 _1 K. s+ |
' p; h0 P* d( F
Your lip is so soft
$ Q' R- r6 V# X" S9 w$ `there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss1 \, ^! J7 U" z0 M* b6 d+ h
Your body is so sexy
6 Q+ H. Q( t- i; X( a7 d9 l2 ?And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.% |6 C! ^" t, {" i: e

/ m/ d- I! }2 M0 l) j% K6 fI am deeply in love+ M. L. ?. X. D$ b, ]8 w* T. m
Everything from you is so charming' C( H$ v) N- ]" V8 `
although You r so picky for me
6 n  V" ]5 O% ^& i, t' @# R/ \And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.$ r# w# z. x/ a# k, ?' j
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem+ T6 g$ U6 ^- y; E: k

; ~9 y1 w  ^3 g& m/ G% E' e! |' j+ B: W! d
His hello is the end of her endings& u5 }8 _6 O3 T6 h3 }4 {6 Q
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
/ B1 N1 G( F- G1 WHis hand would be hers to hold forever
0 A$ H! [4 o9 C" Y; e" vHis forever is simply as her smile $ K2 R. v5 W% ~. s# @
He said she was what was missing
4 h' z( y- {/ V$ ?2 V5 n0 T; @4 PShe said instantly she knew0 l) Q# b" j& a% S0 T% {
She was a question to be answered% `' f: O0 e- k  e* ?- q$ `
And his answer is $ @* e7 h7 E3 w: g0 L& a
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas( R' E! _; G& ?( C7 c* p" O9 T

; G9 h9 A# b% `1 p7 kBelow is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
  p; w$ w7 x$ r5 \( Q8 l
1 w4 M! K% m& K0 X& MIt's amazing how I felt
. A( @. V. `% i9 @7 B6 hwhen I was with you
% ]5 ~" H+ [- V1 `My heart beat so fast0 M% l% `0 s2 e
I looked at you and thought" y# A0 C" M' L  z3 b
Holy Jesus, you were so cute% E4 ]1 E, G! j6 D

! V5 \! V4 h  z, O+ JYou left me without a word7 j% K3 N; `! C$ k+ ~+ Y
I have nothing except my emptiness
5 l/ O" T5 s: {9 ?% |My mood is like a cloud+ O: u* O1 r- a0 x
How could it be dispersed?- b- g. `0 [  C1 k" R# ^
6 [# L. C8 K. m
Feelings bite my heart
1 {/ y0 |9 h# P% s3 f1 EYou are the right one I wait( Q# x* {" F4 \) |9 @" m5 W
In the depth of my soul
. j3 ?/ l, c8 x. hI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美) w2 a# B8 ~$ I" s! n
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( W- x& w: I& b7 I" e
就和用中文写一次: `, o' N6 U/ y5 n: c0 @
阿,我爱你
3 G2 V1 F) E- M7 i/ O  R你让我心跳好快
" W$ N. n1 T& ~, \你让我脸发热
* Y  F/ K; w: z  j/ R8 }我爱上你的大嘴唇1 b8 e% o% }- D# u3 ~$ `7 q
XXXXX, m9 l; J1 v6 i
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
2 p6 `3 o# W2 G6 T4 X1 L* j. v: `1 J, T
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER0 A, E/ D% f2 I; J( u$ y3 D
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 " P& o  C3 ~) P
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
4 M5 S3 A% K3 [+ v2 E你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道3 f8 E; C' s* O& r# m( o% ~6 \
就和用中文写一次& n/ }5 y/ C$ r* c
阿,我爱你
" o  I# c" R  c: j2 _: P' j你让我心跳好快
$ w  M% _- ~4 E你让我脸发热0 i$ S4 M: |6 a) y! a, C! H8 N
我爱上你的大嘴唇5 c6 L7 y& p+ ?0 f% a# }
XXXXX
2 q% L0 P7 A0 i9 }( @! y不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
% E! b) h5 d- s; V  N9 M" j! J! b
. N, W3 u4 i1 @1 l& g! z  |# v
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.% [& ~9 ~" i1 M. h+ l
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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