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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love* W+ f* q6 o$ ]6 ~9 b& t

+ Z, F$ @/ z! K9 C. y+ a8 H! JI fell in love with you $ a' u/ _3 a/ N0 ~9 E
At the first week we met
5 _+ P! D2 l4 ?- e$ M$ V% i9 a
( E8 M7 \! A5 O. @, l! Q) HYou have charm, you have looks
  {# R7 a( l& W: l: wwith full of pimples in face5 W& e) j2 x4 R9 g/ e+ Y9 g" |, R9 P
As spotting sky at a summer night* H: u+ ]* q! J- S8 s6 I3 ]
They are shining stars' S, j# \, n7 n: K* s& l0 t7 G

9 Q, j& O* `* HYour lip is so big- ^) z3 T% V# k% b
And that’s good for a kiss
/ [5 n8 q4 I2 b3 }1 ~1 xYour body is chubby; k, W. E5 n3 d1 W( R
And that is good for sex+ I9 s7 `; t, [- S; P4 `
) e1 z+ }; ^4 B2 H- b! d
I was deeply in love. S8 B. B& r: g# T; h4 u$ E+ O2 S
Everything from you is positive
4 x% g! ?* g$ M$ LYou blame me everything and everyday
: j8 D- F3 }4 o' u/ G/ f& N* xAnd I think all girls sound like( v% }# S0 C4 J$ I* k6 I
5 k& D/ H& N% U! |: O8 v8 {
You could not stand my eating
5 N& f4 [/ x  ]8 r: h) NSaying no good for making funny sound
% c2 u  F! f! I, RI think you are perfectly right
  g+ }$ H- O# J; a0 yEating with sound is a pig
- Y5 A" @, h5 ^( P& |: I1 G( x3 Y9 @4 n
I fell in love with you ! \; b. A; x4 l# l! e
Become a fool to think
' I5 ^, O- U7 GAll trouble things you did) H$ j8 e1 s3 y6 X' p
And that is the price for love% s& }7 W! U% `9 _

# c: q) d) P! Q0 K( B( yyou are deeply in love! f* H, R( q( M- G; H) N0 l
Everything from me is negative
6 I5 d& n; j- a7 R"My man should be like this,
0 ]+ O: a$ F7 y" Y8 rand I am helping you to improve'% C" E6 V$ U) Q: z( F) K

2 g/ M" p0 E* e8 OYou are loving me
5 @# H; A' H7 _- l# Z# x9 m- Xor that one in your mind?0 |$ \9 x! p8 W
My mind is like a mud
$ X0 W* m( Y7 I7 Bcan be shaped whatever you want8 l8 w: Z, Q! I# W5 ^! X
6 T( Q7 N& f: s# _
unfortunalety not my heart6 k  V9 U3 S! w. x6 E
It is slashed by you 8 E9 }, L! Y& }5 u# ]4 ]3 I
and I am seriously hurt
9 G+ V- r8 t3 d! @( f# q, Z, @& q
I will never love another
7 Q9 C" M- Q# b$ i, t& C: sIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
6 o# K$ `: l$ D* W# h6 t9 gmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
, ~6 d, E' x# p; q! F
- {" \( \/ m( D$ j
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
0 W0 _' A3 q7 m* [8 R- K) g不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
! l0 h5 [: w$ D: Yi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
" Y- P: M% g3 R' e3 W, c+ n" [And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
" v0 B. U0 c- B; A3 t% N! _( y4 \1 _  ^* d. J+ i9 q6 @
with the charm,
! P" d. O1 n: j* m# Rwith the simles.4 N( F$ k/ C4 h! F- o+ G2 P
I fell in love with you
; F+ P7 q/ Z1 U2 WIn the first sign.2 P2 A4 ?9 t5 r3 ^- V3 g
As spotting sky at a summer
5 S& c7 Q% r7 l1 Z! i
- ^. ?# L3 x/ F; `+ bYour lip is so soft
' Q- ?/ v8 T- C5 T" Hthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss' J. I/ Z- O0 \# L1 S4 ?/ j; H
Your body is so sexy6 O1 O7 L9 {  P/ m; n
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.- p6 k5 e7 s9 q. l" l" o

9 a8 y/ Y# |' q& n% o7 K" wI am deeply in love& Z  d# {1 e0 A9 H$ \
Everything from you is so charming
, P3 G, m. j3 I% h  Q1 r, P6 ~8 v% H* ]although You r so picky for me
% e' B) R  X5 X" l& HAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
4 m# u" p$ }" jBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem# }' u" u" {, ?2 `% G/ ?
: [( p) E6 t/ V# F& U" p
4 [( ]% h; j* g5 B, z
His hello is the end of her endings$ S( e: u/ f, W& }- m
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle8 S( O+ h. z' a. a% F9 L) ]6 m
His hand would be hers to hold forever
! H" o+ Y4 y8 L. S7 n: dHis forever is simply as her smile 8 i* O8 s* s+ e; v6 I. y
He said she was what was missing
. W, h& q+ A2 C9 i( v, e9 [She said instantly she knew
- l. i# N" h1 H6 b( u. M; zShe was a question to be answered. d: h% l+ ?$ Z& C+ {- W. _: t5 \) M& M
And his answer is
/ f& l- q4 y% s7 RI do
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
/ v0 k1 I( T" Y* l$ d' n
  _) K" T. `2 s2 S, C0 L5 o7 X( _Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
* Z5 T* F/ E! W0 C6 z2 ?! q1 z; P3 U4 m" m
It's amazing how I felt
: M" s& P( d0 Y. z. [' ~! \- Twhen I was with you1 n" e5 Y4 F0 D0 W: T, w3 ]/ |
My heart beat so fast
$ @& ~8 ~7 h* o8 R& o& F7 k0 M. `I looked at you and thought
$ Z1 h0 P( G( m: |/ x: EHoly Jesus, you were so cute
& ]2 B! K$ W  p4 V/ R) `- e
. A' o! ?; U( d/ H% q* `You left me without a word
; X2 `/ @( f7 ^2 F  b5 Z" J/ f) oI have nothing except my emptiness3 o- z2 W7 {: p( r  _! a
My mood is like a cloud
6 A  ?# l9 p4 z8 ~How could it be dispersed?
- a/ a0 P! J, m. }* U: _0 r" Q8 Q7 i8 K  {# I/ |
Feelings bite my heart " a* i/ t* U( Z9 L5 D6 x) b
You are the right one I wait* }: Q* P! A/ ?
In the depth of my soul' q# I1 q1 O, G
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
' r* f" f' \( C/ E  Z* Y3 P1 A( i你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道0 Q# q- J7 V" q( U, @# a
就和用中文写一次, W4 I, t2 f2 O! A! e
阿,我爱你5 w- `) `. j2 p1 Z& c/ t
你让我心跳好快! P' v0 C$ U7 }1 g
你让我脸发热# e5 k0 L7 c/ u: `% w% K; R# u3 L
我爱上你的大嘴唇
' N& z" N% h  R4 J7 l! b3 Y% J- DXXXXX
# D. H7 P7 I1 B, b) V不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
  Z3 z. {  K  V3 ~
. i9 l7 W8 ~; ]2 L/ n如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER+ {/ K9 w7 D1 P$ u2 l
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
4 a. t. m: I' v5 o, @( s4 m闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美6 T/ d% r' X, ^. R' V
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道7 G2 Y7 ~1 j8 m% A- c3 X& h
就和用中文写一次" ~* d6 u8 T8 v6 M. H! y/ _! a# O, }
阿,我爱你8 k/ ]7 L% k8 i2 L( ]+ Y( z9 L/ t4 G
你让我心跳好快- o4 D; y% S" \, n# x5 a
你让我脸发热2 F3 s) a, h7 o9 p* ^5 ^
我爱上你的大嘴唇
# k1 [/ h, ^, q* z1 \8 ^* sXXXXX+ c8 k7 v, q' v+ U' ]* O  d
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
$ h1 R2 |7 u& |$ _- v+ B
9 L  V5 T& l- v+ W+ p' c9 I
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
0 ~! y3 q8 i8 [+ ?
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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