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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love' H, [6 b; }# i- u) u
& L/ Z3 [! C8 j6 O( d
I fell in love with you " r0 |5 C$ Q" g
At the first week we met
# l  a0 E6 p' N; e$ c3 z7 `6 r1 E( r% e& O
You have charm, you have looks
7 P: o6 y( b  x' l6 ?with full of pimples in face
$ Q, L1 ~" ^. g2 s) k+ MAs spotting sky at a summer night: _' S  g8 X) r! I$ \; j
They are shining stars0 c* n$ i. B2 @1 [

) h' y) B0 @# q4 A4 @  N8 K% `5 pYour lip is so big
! I0 S, ?! K9 O% a& ]0 `1 hAnd that’s good for a kiss$ k7 Q( Y8 H7 G( R' ^% _
Your body is chubby
/ l* [. J) W* p; E) e: e5 k+ dAnd that is good for sex2 K2 d3 O( S& k, s) D
) U& E7 J1 Y+ Z% y7 y/ [
I was deeply in love
* t. W6 f" h+ l' {8 Y+ ]3 KEverything from you is positive4 y+ l/ l4 N$ h, s2 U: I/ l
You blame me everything and everyday1 v! O, y. Z* m6 l+ T
And I think all girls sound like
7 Q: A* }$ Z2 O) S3 P) D8 {' z* v! |1 \
You could not stand my eating2 P" e+ q' H) ~1 t; {* {: ^
Saying no good for making funny sound% Y$ s$ L8 p( O$ f) Y, a& d
I think you are perfectly right; m& I$ e4 T9 {: i$ [3 e
Eating with sound is a pig
5 O9 j3 v! b" ]* v
: ^& G8 g( s3 r) Z# [I fell in love with you
9 x0 l/ H! e7 z: i) s3 CBecome a fool to think3 x  R! K1 F2 w8 Y! y
All trouble things you did- F+ I, B! d7 @6 \# J# [
And that is the price for love
5 o; h$ {# Z  E0 E5 d3 V
1 K1 |8 Y. b/ Uyou are deeply in love
" f3 p  ^, G: i2 V" gEverything from me is negative# g; Z4 Z- z% u0 O
"My man should be like this,
" d1 ?" v- T6 `8 K: e: e! fand I am helping you to improve'( g, y- W4 \% J1 b

# g5 z4 A) Q! UYou are loving me
: H6 m# D8 Y5 _$ I6 Jor that one in your mind?4 \1 D/ ^' r: G+ V) m2 ?
My mind is like a mud
. v+ g/ b; p' E. j0 `# Acan be shaped whatever you want9 b* _& F& t6 h  f8 R
, N* ~- ~; V: ~% K
unfortunalety not my heart- F0 Y) @" p: ]2 o; }7 `
It is slashed by you " B* g# p" u" r  O1 u/ `$ @
and I am seriously hurt
  Z; s1 y* z" i: K: ?6 T) G
6 D7 F$ t- ]# [) qI will never love another ! P* A- }+ S& f# ~
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
9 t$ t$ [$ N5 B+ W0 c4 A! ~5 Kmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
! A4 Y" @" `" l4 U+ Q5 s2 y  a

: y9 r! @6 k! _7 y! M0 d+ i咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
( u7 h  I. C  c' f不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 6 f4 r* @/ ~' O/ {7 r
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.; H! m4 F' |9 f% \
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed( i8 j; z3 V% F: f2 ^7 g

) I+ O7 e' j  Nwith the charm,( _/ D6 T0 q+ w: l5 E4 Q
with the simles.
$ e5 }" q1 ~9 [8 ~1 c" Q  uI fell in love with you ) ~2 k% e1 @0 W6 D; g
In the first sign.7 p2 X7 @+ j$ X1 L6 ]. ]& e
As spotting sky at a summer $ _, p7 x% F4 u( g7 [3 x- C  v

( H2 Q* [- }( R+ @7 PYour lip is so soft
+ U" m' l3 `1 Z6 G) ^( L  B$ ythere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss2 B' k5 T8 ~% R: y
Your body is so sexy; ]# a0 {5 A. y! w: k: R6 c; u3 d
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
9 P; v7 C* }6 D4 s1 J  X# O; Z  }6 s! |. ~
I am deeply in love/ v: q7 l( L8 A  Q+ t
Everything from you is so charming
8 P$ T0 a! A+ J" \6 }. h0 T, [+ yalthough You r so picky for me
  _9 Z" A+ c' A+ x, I+ J8 ZAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
2 p6 q' Q/ O: WBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem4 _+ b1 V4 k. X; y) Y, ~6 E
8 {& v- [: I- R; |: s. E

- C- x% U. V( B2 m  ]: V# \- @( DHis hello is the end of her endings
- i% w# d7 w. |% ?- D+ N3 p4 aHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle: H$ v. |( M7 z& a7 D  c/ [6 Z# ]
His hand would be hers to hold forever
3 G7 S2 w( M9 p( WHis forever is simply as her smile
. W# f) `3 C2 M8 O9 i- lHe said she was what was missing
0 X( y2 z3 l( _She said instantly she knew
9 u  s9 {2 I5 q7 f* M0 LShe was a question to be answered
0 o$ I7 c2 c7 ?And his answer is - C+ O3 d+ X( w. s; Q
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
5 o: G" u: I5 A0 n) D: Q* n3 n/ C3 Q. P! `) b9 R
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
; E1 q, Q5 U  X) f) @$ a
: m  u: x, L/ NIt's amazing how I felt & V, C6 ~# K/ h
when I was with you
6 O7 {" b: d5 j) G5 EMy heart beat so fast1 g# _& ~  T  `8 a) H
I looked at you and thought
; T+ X7 b$ @' C. k- Q0 [Holy Jesus, you were so cute
' W" h, e% e  l$ W4 _* G( x
! W% I  w1 M0 C3 DYou left me without a word
& B/ P; Z2 e0 R0 F4 UI have nothing except my emptiness
6 P# a+ j" u  h: o; W( R5 G, GMy mood is like a cloud
: i% Y& S2 O0 dHow could it be dispersed?7 x+ z1 L) j. W% K9 I

# t+ z& f8 A: x  i! vFeelings bite my heart 1 }8 Q  h' k* N: i+ f1 p
You are the right one I wait
, u3 U# q' M7 ?6 q9 {In the depth of my soul& C/ Y' C/ u: z% T5 `0 Z8 ]
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. m0 t) |! [! _
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
5 `0 W$ h- ^( O0 t2 y  v( q/ o就和用中文写一次
% y# P( s: ~$ h+ d阿,我爱你
- y0 M6 |# }6 A6 s% @你让我心跳好快1 ?! |4 \: O$ }
你让我脸发热1 z, @% _7 V' F) k( l
我爱上你的大嘴唇
  J; k; E6 R" ~! l" kXXXXX
. _8 U* V/ V9 B+ y  y不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?+ e9 a2 y/ f: t3 T: C1 o( f$ s

6 q; {& [# K8 S如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
& e9 J7 ^& ^' _% s, z' J  m至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 , J6 e3 X$ N. E
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ ]' b( V& q. }9 x( j你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
. G# N' I- Z" q8 |' {就和用中文写一次. w9 P) [- [- ^% Q, Q; n7 t$ D
阿,我爱你
2 D# g# k5 E# o/ {1 C你让我心跳好快
2 q0 T9 F4 o7 I) P& X& ~你让我脸发热9 h. C+ U7 m7 j2 o0 S* F
我爱上你的大嘴唇/ n* E% n3 w& S) z
XXXXX
' }7 d, \2 l% {! F$ b+ J( c不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
" b7 g. ]* E( p' v+ d; }

% b- G7 ~. W/ }, Q靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.; A% n5 e3 S; o+ g# v
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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