我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
5 P* h. P( E- d, u7 V! O/ h
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
! F/ P$ G" n5 n4 e' p8 P# Vwith full of pimples in face
7 r/ r4 e. H) k! J6 e, O4 U9 c7 a  P3 @As spotting sky at a summer night
+ B% x/ t' b7 ]& o+ J- ~6 l) NThey are shining stars

Your lip is so big
, {9 M  C+ S" `4 [8 c3 nAnd that’s good for a kiss
9 v& O: e( E) e$ p7 NYour body is chubby
' h: k$ L  \% a9 ]And that is good for sex

- ^* W$ S0 y2 PI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
& Y* L/ N, v8 Y' bSaying no good for making funny sound
0 Z9 r5 l) u! HI think you are perfectly right
9 j- Y8 z0 M1 ~6 F9 g# {Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
4 h$ {' m" _3 P+ O' ]$ ]All trouble things you did
! x; h. c( L3 m7 D/ I& cAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
, W0 C: C/ X8 o( }: O/ C& cEverything from me is negative
/ L, D3 Z1 e$ E. S"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

$ j/ q% i; `" M& D+ m5 PYou are loving me
' N8 U0 L4 u+ }6 r# v7 ]+ Hor that one in your mind?
- i; _; B7 B( \7 \# d5 g& jMy mind is like a mud
# P$ q! K  S! Ocan be shaped whatever you want
0 H" J4 J4 q$ H% d
unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
6 _5 t$ t- t) O/ w8 _& D6 E5 Y0 c* e, Band I am seriously hurt
* o: |, Y0 O8 u2 W1 u! R. N3 {
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
2 }0 j3 J; @/ N) Dmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

" n( O: B% L  S+ T1 H- c2 P% t
5 J. a4 X9 W2 d2 h1 l( h$ _咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
6 A- H' D, S$ t不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
* g1 ]: V: F. @9 z7 H- oi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
6 ?. [7 F. H# {  e& C; ]+ pwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
4 [4 `2 G* ]2 n
: e  X6 n1 H9 fYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
7 G. M' Z! f9 l5 HYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
+ J! n+ W$ @4 q9 o( Z  Z! \
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
# i) C, ?' W4 F+ y& t+ o* g& y5 a& oAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
  h+ k; X$ |# N0 m
  y$ e4 z/ n1 q# P  @7 F  a
His hello is the end of her endings
" T; |$ X. i# q: LHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
. }& G6 c) n' I+ k, W! VHis hand would be hers to hold forever
/ F6 P) x7 P+ THis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
6 P: c) p1 k# c4 C, LShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
% a3 L& _( I. g' vI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
, T+ H! Y; O) ?
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

+ c. l( p- P7 N: F8 x* mIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
% v' U  n( A6 H$ f* ]& a1 bMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

" v$ e4 a. C) WYou left me without a word
. r$ M' {& }% t' p: dI have nothing except my emptiness
6 m7 l+ J  ^2 \% }. mMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
( d6 a' R1 T4 j- s- {In the depth of my soul
1 G& |8 E# O% N2 k  QI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
% F" I) x5 H* W" o就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
0 U# S& _# l+ |1 F( b. Y0 q就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
  m7 ~; n" d+ O5 g你让我脸发热
9 S, E# X" W# K  z% i. w  n0 V: Y3 P我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 ]. T1 j9 V& K' `2 q- ^XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

5 F2 {; a7 K) B
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。