我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
5 i1 e) N% }8 q' Y. m, p
1 i) z8 |0 V# j0 `I fell in love with you
% D6 {( Y# ~  s7 qAt the first week we met
7 \7 r) P* f% O' x
9 `5 L4 s! N! uYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
! T' r$ h3 C& y$ p6 h1 LAs spotting sky at a summer night
3 F) q! I6 N: x# m8 x8 WThey are shining stars
8 w4 t. W# m# X9 @
  Z) w$ s4 F$ H6 GYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
0 J7 L- x7 F  q9 p# nAnd that is good for sex
* C4 u' a4 w  z3 v
  C/ t+ e  q9 W! F1 b, g6 a3 cI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
! P+ T- o9 }" p0 FYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
. @. T' ?9 \8 |6 d3 U; o/ [I think you are perfectly right
; q' u& a2 ~6 D# Y6 Q! S* f( H. HEating with sound is a pig
" I' D- F$ C3 G' D
I fell in love with you
3 V+ t/ H; s" p4 _Become a fool to think
; G0 n7 Z+ U9 g7 ?All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
. @3 u+ H$ p( l) xEverything from me is negative
; Z6 Z5 O0 ^  `$ Q"My man should be like this,
. v* H* i6 S. i* S6 H& Xand I am helping you to improve'
6 z( K9 V3 R2 @* a
8 V% e5 u# ?6 P" ?You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
) w/ k: Z- D( [7 I5 A  M* PMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
) Q( ~, b' k6 I" e2 I' `2 N! {
" M+ p3 T- g4 p7 n0 FI will never love another
( D( U$ m, _  \+ y  k% P9 I; @If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
, U- }7 x( V: G1 s' L1 smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
' ^" ^6 a, G$ P$ n, |, e5 b不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
/ U) F; _9 b) p4 V. V( e" v6 q6 U% ]i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
2 L$ f0 V; l2 u* `And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
( Y; z! f- \# U) ~2 i- Z. a
$ h! M# E( e! Cwith the charm,
4 i( V" a# H% Z& c, w8 owith the simles.
9 d9 W  f; Z7 r2 ~$ y) a- P: vI fell in love with you
0 \% t/ _- K( }' v' D  P6 cIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

; r9 G" U% Y7 E+ |# LYour lip is so soft
4 ~. c# E3 P3 _$ x7 Y  |there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
) M% E! q: |( V: `- M. K, \7 F) X$ IAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

& N  c' [3 q" D/ L8 i; YI am deeply in love
; |$ U% S0 p$ z  UEverything from you is so charming
) R2 F0 _: U' c7 f6 M* }4 ]6 o/ Aalthough You r so picky for me
5 v8 E: E2 I' ^" s) W; @* Y% jAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
1 I: x3 y1 L, s" J- c8 }$ H( A! w

His hello is the end of her endings
4 J0 K, D, L- z- H5 s% BHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
8 [  l! w, R  h- @9 VHis forever is simply as her smile
! H) Y3 x) Z  N) mHe said she was what was missing
, c  Y) s8 p9 tShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
! s" K' O( Z0 k' B. |! d; z) MAnd his answer is
' B, B' s. c* q" HI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

) t2 ?/ T( {8 P. n* eBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
8 E" \7 ^: P; t. G3 \3 W, b
You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
3 S2 r  d' a, F3 X9 c1 @My mood is like a cloud
1 f. e# H# k' Y- h! U* |How could it be dispersed?
$ z! D0 I( C8 L- N* g* F+ Q
Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
9 X' r; C- \2 N4 W( \% m' mIn the depth of my soul
1 D3 [) h5 T$ @I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 V0 E" c, R6 M- V* k! }3 ?) ]你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
; [% C! R6 o$ \9 Y你让我心跳好快
& r: A5 ~: }" z6 l你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
3 `9 ^9 Q( R, i$ W
0 u/ ]$ z! ^- r如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
, G" @; c* ]+ u闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! O+ W2 I* v+ `9 c6 D% J- `7 Y+ {你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
8 K0 o3 g- w7 Z: C5 L' N$ M9 L- W就和用中文写一次
! X0 H; B1 T& g8 o) c阿,我爱你
( F+ ^2 O, C5 t你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
6 z' K8 Y7 w  M- V5 ~+ F+ u我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ }: r5 O- ]" _  F) r1 hXXXXX
4 \' k/ Y+ i0 Q不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。