我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

0 ]. k. x' r/ SI fell in love with you
3 B  F$ _% w+ b- y# \4 f& tAt the first week we met
, C  p- h% h* S! B. j+ \* p0 |, t
You have charm, you have looks
* N0 b% K- q2 l2 Swith full of pimples in face
9 ^( m& Z9 p4 `5 e# x! `As spotting sky at a summer night
; W8 D& Y7 h0 k1 IThey are shining stars

( H# o: ?& V) ^' V% XYour lip is so big
; h4 b% u( Y3 \1 J* wAnd that’s good for a kiss
7 R. S0 m2 h& w( J& B* ^( @  D1 E& DYour body is chubby
' [! J; k5 r/ n0 [# i( P% e+ GAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
( T( w/ |. P+ ^) s# u5 W# w
( d& v# N; V% p) b8 _4 ~# f& @You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

, _9 |; C/ C* k4 y$ N8 iI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
4 F7 p% p1 D; I# Z) C. oAll trouble things you did
) h6 F  f( C/ O- F+ O- a8 K3 VAnd that is the price for love
# e' h$ y: U9 a0 D0 |" y# p
$ F# `4 ~& o# M3 \9 yyou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
9 |7 S6 R% M8 K
* T6 |0 _. D% ~! FYou are loving me
( }5 G4 _) `9 g7 ]or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
7 g9 a# z4 A; K; r: A! z
: d9 Y8 ]. B8 e: K) Y* a0 I$ wunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
; }$ v& y! X" A+ R; t& \and I am seriously hurt
! `; J$ A3 @) H6 ?
. Y) Q7 X- c/ p! B) f' PI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
# z6 L& f& r. Z1 cmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

0 N: H7 @$ _& S9 _( H- M
6 X, }: Q) r( d3 H7 X1 s! j' J咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
6 j& L  T5 u( g* S( T! M, p1 h2 z) |不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
" W" w. N% Z- P. C7 lAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

! U% H6 e: A4 lwith the charm,
4 \$ Q8 H6 r5 G  Y% L3 p4 Xwith the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
! A. d+ E4 V3 Q( f: f4 S# B( ?As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
' ~5 L3 K! d( ]: D5 `0 S0 U$ lthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
0 ^+ e8 B/ o% Y& @" ^Everything from you is so charming
' L8 }  \8 s0 W! `* `3 Z0 zalthough You r so picky for me
4 C; a0 C, l: p. d+ GAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

5 j% ^' J+ l' P7 a' X0 }3 W8 c
: r3 b- M' _3 L# pHis hello is the end of her endings
. o& T2 g# P! `& G/ R5 b9 \Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
9 Q. R1 |: ]: |3 hHis forever is simply as her smile
! @8 Q  S* e6 s" D1 S; U3 HHe said she was what was missing
5 P4 u- [  a) H* [/ r% ?She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
0 r2 \1 l2 s* H0 l9 V. `And his answer is
7 y" ]9 \6 s5 |( J, J4 _/ vI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
3 ^1 F( k; z( w% K9 N) Y9 C$ v
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

. J; A, o  p/ Q+ A5 `It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
% q0 W3 [8 @, ~! ^' q% k
+ P  K0 B! h0 Q) p) Q# xYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
/ {# u( y" t; K) u4 p0 m6 A, DHow could it be dispersed?
: s7 x4 S  R. r' ~  I
4 {7 O- T7 j, R# e+ i) l+ m  xFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 k6 T8 K% H6 p7 l9 N4 }% [' b+ H就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
6 l9 h6 r1 x7 B  u5 n- ]你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
4 H6 t  c  _3 X& x不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
4 z6 s% O( l3 I; m2 F. G3 [$ D/ C) ]) C
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
, _) U6 o% R6 O: D5 i至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
( B/ q2 g/ V! J就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
3 x% f* Z4 E3 D3 _2 N你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
/ ?3 R2 K. W% Y# B" |XXXXX
* j9 ?" X) E2 X8 I0 ?; M不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
. j$ i! O5 x8 ~9 D1 O3 p* s

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。