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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
& B, B/ V2 N0 M. {0 E! o9 O' H; V! Z1 A2 k. u8 A( m; Y! K
I fell in love with you
% P& i/ i+ U: f$ l2 IAt the first week we met, f: o5 V8 a8 o5 `, {
) E3 S4 E$ i) I7 g) T
You have charm, you have looks8 z: d4 Q' d% s
with full of pimples in face
0 x( s3 z2 N" V8 I0 ]As spotting sky at a summer night1 u! b# }, o4 q+ }, u
They are shining stars/ j# M5 P3 X2 q4 n7 Z  B
* V: i7 p  ]+ @
Your lip is so big% h) B& e) ?: l# s8 b
And that’s good for a kiss7 u9 j' C8 p3 Y3 B
Your body is chubby2 G  ]: v# w3 E8 G% t+ ?
And that is good for sex% ]" N5 g8 p# c

. {- d+ H$ f8 p0 zI was deeply in love
- E8 {5 B: W. F3 ^Everything from you is positive, @/ k6 k4 q8 M! m+ U
You blame me everything and everyday
! S! g' [5 X' x  jAnd I think all girls sound like; p% z4 L8 G/ G# q" y- q2 i* o. z

& [6 y# P5 G' m2 q+ J- m2 ZYou could not stand my eating4 N0 _) x& `3 ^) R- G5 Z+ A5 Q1 @
Saying no good for making funny sound
( {4 P% P. u% X0 j7 v# r1 z1 xI think you are perfectly right( b) E* c/ X) i) T& U8 D/ r
Eating with sound is a pig. \# c, a( B' ]# @  o  j* I
  ?* v7 ?% C6 w/ t& O/ o3 z( q9 U
I fell in love with you   j  {$ m9 N/ e. ~5 |) I& Y& t  x+ z
Become a fool to think6 w7 A$ V  X9 b7 x( B
All trouble things you did
4 N% Q: T2 ~# j; {" f/ S5 {And that is the price for love
8 Z: R: Q) J; h) V9 [+ \' y2 P; w2 L& i; A9 K  ~
you are deeply in love
3 U. c8 A7 u- `& v% cEverything from me is negative$ P" H8 ]" e0 g, }
"My man should be like this,
& f4 _4 i( C* I. F. Z  ~  @and I am helping you to improve'
0 }. L5 L% Q% f0 _( W3 j6 ^# W8 Z! q! G3 T  }9 u: O
You are loving me # ~! R$ R/ E. r3 [/ a2 D
or that one in your mind?
2 S( w: R3 X) x' k' YMy mind is like a mud- E. A9 |4 r. S5 V2 V, O) j
can be shaped whatever you want
/ O8 g  S" e1 Q( B5 q
5 @" M- s6 H6 s, V9 _unfortunalety not my heart
8 g" t7 F& j. A! ?It is slashed by you 9 F% W9 Z  ~* V7 f5 _
and I am seriously hurt
$ O6 E5 v6 m% p8 B* Q" ~! s
9 g4 |5 C% g: DI will never love another
. P7 S4 V3 U/ v# ]: k+ ~If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 : v) F2 \0 M( C4 W
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

: }2 K  _: y' \# F* N% r1 p5 C
) @# w- F4 @6 n# a/ ?+ d$ v咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!( F: y6 d4 Y. X
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 1 B3 M, g% h! R# z4 o( A
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.3 d" }: j5 y; h3 h, N$ k
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed" w& {' G5 _  ~# O

" M. J) y' H+ F% \2 bwith the charm,
- l2 H$ h3 v! E; z% }with the simles./ M1 w, s0 j  s/ Q# T: X
I fell in love with you
/ y2 H4 w$ f- R2 qIn the first sign.
8 ~1 ^7 I# p* F% e" BAs spotting sky at a summer : x9 M; o$ L6 m
. z; {' L: C3 v) [" v# W
Your lip is so soft
  i+ ?+ S# H) b7 `0 J, v4 Bthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
2 E1 s/ H; X& ^4 r9 xYour body is so sexy3 _1 D4 o; x* c/ D% D! x
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.5 Y2 U! E5 `5 _! O# L

3 ]0 M! r! W* ^. c( e5 f# A" MI am deeply in love! F3 }* e1 y  S/ t, n
Everything from you is so charming, ^& k& j" E+ X8 e
although You r so picky for me
: S) w5 x8 z! c; O) k  m, WAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) @. `6 p) L( u$ J1 E; KBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem6 V9 `( ^$ j# v' Z
9 x' q3 E7 M/ T) b3 `: V9 x: p
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His hello is the end of her endings
* D2 {2 M1 |# n9 g( {3 ?Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
* R* P+ E: I2 eHis hand would be hers to hold forever
7 v+ k+ d( I8 y9 R7 g' B  I2 dHis forever is simply as her smile
  `2 x" \1 X% \& X- ?* YHe said she was what was missing4 l$ d; V: G2 O; J$ _% a, `
She said instantly she knew) j+ d: `. O! \# d. g4 i
She was a question to be answered
* d# d, w  F: |1 H( g( pAnd his answer is
) g: W6 B4 _! |9 b( T" U( p5 MI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
4 t# u2 ?2 a1 K9 B  @4 o9 ^' g: ^. {
. a$ h  E9 z0 v2 WBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt1 i+ S) A( H) z

3 \$ r: x0 C9 n( |6 r& sIt's amazing how I felt
5 I6 L7 ~9 L# Q% t# l/ M8 _' Xwhen I was with you% T$ D) x( K$ `0 ~
My heart beat so fast. Z  P; w- s9 v# {! R
I looked at you and thought
$ w) h6 v% B$ y& G- C- o! c7 hHoly Jesus, you were so cute
0 J- R' }$ r: G( H2 t& g9 s/ N1 \. L
5 y& s5 ~+ ~6 ?2 V0 pYou left me without a word
) N. C, Y* U! n) i: _I have nothing except my emptiness
: _% b$ @$ G6 w9 nMy mood is like a cloud, y1 W: E3 ^" ]1 o3 B' z7 W
How could it be dispersed?& q" m5 y$ Q3 B" }. s

! G* z$ v( x8 D  D5 t' kFeelings bite my heart # Z9 `: Q) @$ }. ]: j- T9 a/ M/ T
You are the right one I wait9 U1 _/ Y" @# I* [6 D" L0 K: v
In the depth of my soul" r6 [+ H' D: _' d7 L. ]
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
# N7 H  P# b( Q你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道" y3 K  q% W% e
就和用中文写一次1 ?  v# f8 j! ?% o
阿,我爱你2 L: r; J$ t# Y1 m+ V
你让我心跳好快) ^9 w/ D* y1 c1 f* m
你让我脸发热
1 J& E- N6 r+ f7 B9 P# T- k我爱上你的大嘴唇
) ~+ j& G. [0 |8 ~# Q. R& M! TXXXXX( ~- ?: y; k! p' ~2 p
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?6 @5 Q& B. r6 @' x

) Q) c! V* R9 X如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
, ~3 i% a0 q& S& s2 g0 E/ }/ y至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
9 q8 u! Z( _2 n1 T! P& H2 s闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" L2 D& E* N8 x$ o7 }4 b你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! Q% p9 P: M% \+ v! v9 [就和用中文写一次
( q) o: R. h( m$ u) ~1 d9 a0 m. s阿,我爱你  T$ [; j% s4 _5 q/ s# p
你让我心跳好快
3 k1 U$ d4 P; z1 ~* }你让我脸发热0 D  X3 X9 ^% C, p# g/ |  H
我爱上你的大嘴唇3 a1 p' p$ v2 [* \) m( |
XXXXX
2 Q& x2 ?0 y  y: l3 J不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

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; N* [6 G2 h5 P! w. I靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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