我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
7 X: k" i5 |5 O
+ ]: O5 P: G* \7 zI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
0 w" T/ \2 Z( F) ~1 O" ?0 s
, f( d+ j1 O2 ^' n9 F9 {% GYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
0 v+ ]% t$ q7 @% K0 QThey are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
# M" n$ w8 M, T6 j; O+ IAnd that is good for sex
' d$ V& l; X" C% \" a; E) s" D
I was deeply in love
, R4 Q; a% C5 `3 P5 }Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
2 D. q# \5 L; n( e9 \0 ~3 V4 kAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

2 K( I# _; y' o7 w6 ^$ _2 b; zI fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
+ q- N( w1 K* g. ~All trouble things you did
: P- ^1 t7 b1 z" g# n) `* {And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
9 L8 Y: b( v2 z& u: \8 n- Q"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
9 ^; Q# A! G/ W3 u7 u5 m# R
$ N+ @( X4 \. t0 B+ E0 AYou are loving me
+ o0 D: T, @1 t& {+ X* u0 f+ ~# f! lor that one in your mind?
/ N0 U  S2 G& }  r: {: }+ }My mind is like a mud
) _: n" M; U$ l$ P- d- ican be shaped whatever you want
/ L' K  K* T8 J5 F
unfortunalety not my heart
% z$ I8 d" c- PIt is slashed by you
6 f& y1 ?$ i& U  j. ^' L& uand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
- a  U2 n1 W$ p+ l' KIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
4 U7 m( c2 D0 n0 A" t6 |) d' ei am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
: Q$ I9 V. O0 L, C" ~$ ^# q1 p, ^8 MAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
, b4 M" u2 r- J9 @with the simles.
I fell in love with you
: P% K: T1 D  e' H7 IIn the first sign.
9 Z+ X8 ]  ]" AAs spotting sky at a summer
! A9 `) `7 O6 ~& V2 {
Your lip is so soft
* J' D( v1 u2 P& ~, a1 ^4 @' t( Kthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
; C5 w1 B3 ~' z  v; C: zYour body is so sexy
4 x( m, p* b* g7 ~8 A5 U0 _And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
* w; D* i" J- w  f$ O5 u
I am deeply in love
( r8 l0 H; u  m( I( Z+ R' r. [6 N% [Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
% I) C; z( f  S+ ?& G& u; k5 ABut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


! r( J: V# m+ ?8 m+ Y2 a% k( THis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
4 Z5 T7 y( |7 j  L- d4 ZHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
+ g2 L+ i' x  qHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
" V9 C$ F  U2 Q% x: c( _: d: D8 Y. Z' BShe was a question to be answered
( z5 c6 B$ t# G, q3 ]9 vAnd his answer is
( ^5 j; N: h/ f% hI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
5 L" b/ f4 s. |) g/ i
+ {6 _* ]3 F/ x) I8 rBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

# U# S$ k( E: X2 hIt's amazing how I felt
* t% R# w/ r, S2 B; o7 y6 C5 e+ q+ `when I was with you
% }; ^1 Z- O7 N- G, j3 GMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
/ L3 y+ O0 I6 k4 T: g( z4 xMy mood is like a cloud
4 o) c3 S8 Z; a3 i( |* sHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
( s$ {1 ?' K# J5 ~  LYou are the right one I wait
8 f2 [' b9 ~! w5 X+ [4 xIn the depth of my soul
" I7 k. Q+ i/ s( n8 @) DI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 g4 e) m/ B( J# D9 s* O/ y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" {' P5 g' M5 |% q3 c就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
" D2 F! k# |% ?" \& y8 R6 v7 R你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
+ b  X' K$ h. J" b# {( E; \XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
( ]/ p! M' [. ]/ s
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
7 J1 s7 y- t- y* i闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! Z% c- m. G' ~, i. U你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
# Y9 Q; p7 W$ J* P7 r+ p3 |0 g( k你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
* s5 l3 [& L  n& ?! s) U不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 K( f+ q  O5 R5 E5 z6 e
: K0 m8 P! _; G靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
: r, ?- c( B( M

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。