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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
3 S; H+ D9 g4 I' W, q0 q, N
7 [6 `9 b/ z  t- y9 j+ L6 S- s3 X! T7 `I fell in love with you 4 c7 n8 o9 B# B! b
At the first week we met- ~! B5 H6 x4 Z* u/ ^1 w

" w+ q' V5 j( b7 ?9 Z2 dYou have charm, you have looks
+ Z4 R8 d- u8 D4 J. W* |with full of pimples in face
: S; N/ i' b  [% v. RAs spotting sky at a summer night
2 B& o8 Q% d( T: wThey are shining stars9 B9 T" ^7 l* y  K  F. j. L
% S; v. c* T2 z2 t# W  y
Your lip is so big
+ N- M+ Q/ B" y; p, c! _And that’s good for a kiss
  t4 @6 M  a- |& n* k+ \Your body is chubby# E; f& G: X. j  q# ]; F1 v
And that is good for sex
5 N: h7 R0 T+ T# n. g  Z" M$ `& ?. N2 l6 u# i7 W0 O+ a
I was deeply in love
7 c) c" E9 h4 Q. T* H5 u9 P: nEverything from you is positive/ L7 W; T7 \  ]. V- g6 Z
You blame me everything and everyday' h; O3 }- G' t
And I think all girls sound like
4 h1 V9 X" T4 _8 X, A/ O
- C8 h" \8 H$ |: ~You could not stand my eating" F: A+ z' w) `$ O% |# P& }
Saying no good for making funny sound
" X3 g. {. b6 Z1 cI think you are perfectly right
6 }7 E! S! O7 G7 mEating with sound is a pig: y/ h' B% G2 W$ D3 a8 c; W* l

4 n2 a8 G2 {2 k- R* g5 ?& [I fell in love with you 1 P* F' A% y1 n  X6 F
Become a fool to think, D4 P5 [/ Y! Z& O: g
All trouble things you did; m* L% d' {! ]$ E: U( d
And that is the price for love
, G* `) Y6 ], g( C% v! g+ ]2 L
& C/ ?+ l! z% }5 h5 Ayou are deeply in love
  T  D3 `+ A4 e* D- s4 D. c- QEverything from me is negative  b$ `1 Y9 h- p" V2 g3 A2 W& I: h
"My man should be like this,
2 K. @4 y# T7 l( `and I am helping you to improve'
5 B% d' G$ @' B. {# x1 ~2 z2 J9 G) I4 E  h# o$ h
You are loving me
/ i  F! _2 u( C' m0 Y5 `  S, T; [0 Nor that one in your mind?* T2 H/ f  b1 ]6 A2 B
My mind is like a mud/ q4 J+ {1 k# W8 u, @* ?
can be shaped whatever you want
5 E* v; z- }' f, z+ G  U
# \% w6 P, w8 d/ ]5 N& Q* uunfortunalety not my heart! H0 y* u3 V! |  G
It is slashed by you
$ x) E* f' N6 K: s4 y! z* N) iand I am seriously hurt
. T; U, _  F1 Z, Z2 B# h- \6 w' b5 l4 A' @
I will never love another
' P$ B- z8 S" f& I0 ]If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
+ D  g3 m6 X# f# ^/ @my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

& |& O9 F$ k, ~$ V! c/ k. V5 M& X+ ]
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!+ t0 A+ x5 L" R* M" R9 |2 Y: a: d
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
  B) e% U1 {0 ?4 F' l0 G: B/ `* e  Vi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.1 p$ \( ~# G7 C* Z& @/ ]4 k- s
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
- F. F' x5 R3 M' y* T' ]0 M, \
' H5 x9 _8 d+ Twith the charm,8 E; q+ N3 i8 d
with the simles." v2 ?& V$ T8 J, A) [+ W& ^
I fell in love with you # s% x* G4 V3 F
In the first sign.
* `: W7 w1 w0 `) `- z) c- sAs spotting sky at a summer $ M  d% y) ]% D9 G1 F

' P! R$ O; u6 ?* @0 ?Your lip is so soft
8 }3 I9 }4 a# z% X8 Ethere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss# c; \% ^) F5 W# x  l
Your body is so sexy
, f* {" ]8 b& ], `- C4 N; wAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.0 ^% T' F7 d/ n. _' a
7 v" b( F8 u) E, Y1 b- D
I am deeply in love) o. q+ V: g8 l1 `3 ^
Everything from you is so charming/ v$ s+ F4 \: i* d5 R! a$ d! l
although You r so picky for me 9 S, C1 n6 ^6 E8 g
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.! Y0 [; }  C3 ]) Q) ^
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem" V' m7 k" q, s- N. j1 M

$ w- C2 E3 d' v  V7 m0 f! j! y5 F" b) L5 I  E6 z( q
His hello is the end of her endings
3 P- k+ |7 T1 K0 r4 _1 THer laugh is their first step down  the aisle; H  Q6 `$ B/ g) d! G# G
His hand would be hers to hold forever
4 k5 }0 [  J. K' y5 g& Q- w  Q! C3 v3 vHis forever is simply as her smile
, ^0 o2 L. m* L: B6 E6 G8 KHe said she was what was missing
$ M6 k" j/ ^- A1 H6 C, g4 k$ A! k/ KShe said instantly she knew* b" l! z3 Z% L' g% [
She was a question to be answered) j0 M5 |- z- x8 ]+ N( P
And his answer is
/ C4 R7 x: b, v/ S, z1 s+ VI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
1 q0 {& j, U( C. P
6 ^5 a3 A/ J+ |4 l/ HBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt* v1 O: ]7 L. i2 d
/ U; x9 E* S' P$ `% v# i
It's amazing how I felt / o! Q) T$ Q( v: J/ \
when I was with you
' _7 P' P9 q' ^7 r: q6 ]1 T, XMy heart beat so fast# ~2 e) Q9 _  d3 T' b, P
I looked at you and thought+ s/ I& l5 E* ~( S5 {5 W
Holy Jesus, you were so cute! Y* ?, g6 Q& F2 W! I
5 A4 y$ \+ ^7 [# s9 s
You left me without a word
, Q  Z1 `$ |3 h6 k' iI have nothing except my emptiness" h& s4 g/ C( \8 z2 y- h
My mood is like a cloud" h3 ?, U  A6 F8 f& z" k; m/ l
How could it be dispersed?
6 N- d  A4 ~* L: Z4 J+ ~: }: K* N  G
Feelings bite my heart , c' v; y9 m3 ?
You are the right one I wait
( v( T8 U2 h5 xIn the depth of my soul8 ~7 f. }! w; d; h: d5 o
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美5 v8 P) L9 t- V5 U
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" V. b- ^5 R1 d$ h就和用中文写一次
" L9 y- u& Q6 B6 P5 c阿,我爱你
; ^6 L+ x) Q. ?9 a! ]; }% |$ F你让我心跳好快
* ]5 |  N9 C2 `+ e  `* Y! h7 W你让我脸发热1 J( V* e* b$ Y* m
我爱上你的大嘴唇. Q& _+ |( X9 k* `/ `
XXXXX
; |1 ^, t' ?3 _" V不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
  V# u+ }2 E: w) Z- @3 T$ \. a2 S  _8 |5 Y6 n# }& B6 h
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
; Q9 @0 i: H( p# {* S6 N至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
* p6 A8 z' s& r- ?闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. ?2 z/ {. S  M7 _# N$ F, Y1 {
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ h$ J4 m7 D+ @& t5 j6 V1 r) e+ Q就和用中文写一次
* R4 \# X  l- U8 j2 N阿,我爱你
& M2 D; `1 O# a$ i你让我心跳好快3 l7 \0 o& r( x3 c: X: q
你让我脸发热" O5 E: U0 s+ o7 ~0 T
我爱上你的大嘴唇
% t6 J2 ]4 i0 v: T3 a$ P6 O" |XXXXX( I; {, Y" z5 m2 G3 ?' z7 H: S% }
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
% [8 d6 }( [5 m: m$ h% \
9 t, ?! e9 F1 ~* P1 u& k- h
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.( a2 x3 ^) P3 W( j0 W1 I2 j
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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