我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
' ^, m' W0 i3 |- y9 C2 i
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
$ j7 w& Z7 r& l" B) d
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
& z% a( v6 O- W$ Y$ J$ v
Your lip is so big
' y' J3 J! U, r" A4 k2 ^( `: qAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex
& p  L/ Z% ~" c/ i- T0 n" o1 ?
I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
! F- x$ S/ u% g7 K! bYou blame me everything and everyday
- P7 C, ^7 {6 sAnd I think all girls sound like
/ @- C. s. D- L
You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
1 v5 g/ U; v' f- X* _' dEating with sound is a pig
+ A( w- S& u8 }: X& Q
8 i( j0 R* B7 _. V  H/ iI fell in love with you
, Q+ P8 T# s( k" iBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
3 a+ Q* }! ~* Q! u8 O' R"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
& ^; G0 p/ C! x8 k5 n: A( P$ X
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
; \; M1 q; {1 P( }6 O- B- S
unfortunalety not my heart
, c% f7 \$ w# E4 [6 XIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
) U4 H  T+ h5 X6 A" j& z
I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

/ R# F2 P" q  V& Q0 }  [
  F1 C! N9 K% o, Y+ b咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
# [8 q: E, H8 t& g8 J7 x2 {# T  o3 T' z不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
+ y% F8 _# r8 Wi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
4 C/ O2 G9 J8 t% P8 t# N5 ~And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
! _4 _2 i, [) G" q: O: _
2 P9 I# v6 R0 V; J: [with the charm,
+ n9 V  l. U8 u( E9 _with the simles.
/ V8 P+ t8 p( [* k/ N* PI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
  i: n0 z* D" }7 Z' b# M- nAs spotting sky at a summer
1 c! H. T% U( `: ~: m
$ [1 w8 u- y+ R) u# @5 a. RYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
: w3 w4 @7 i" a! p7 M5 V# c2 aAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
8 g4 \2 H: `8 S) g+ [& m" C
% j$ Y7 f3 c; t! H- j, I9 }I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
4 \! a* S3 {& y1 [4 valthough You r so picky for me
: Y& O2 m: O  ~7 W% n1 t& KAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
1 }8 |6 u3 c; Z6 X- E. Y0 a' h
1 W+ m: ~/ Q; k* z2 n2 O  Q0 i$ G' K
His hello is the end of her endings
6 e1 A( X- f8 X/ bHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
8 o0 P8 l; `% @1 {, g8 j% lHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
' B9 k' C5 S) P  c/ Y2 G- ^And his answer is
8 i8 H; S8 ?" w* KI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
$ l+ ]2 L6 c! t! J6 {% r3 X
: H) ]* j% f+ Z5 vBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

0 Y, y' V) y, \: ]It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
! Z. G) Y# s6 _) l% l- aMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

* j* y5 \" _0 Y+ s5 n, v- WYou left me without a word
% ^( J% _9 e5 M* T9 m; U- b' xI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
" H  ~  P: U5 U* r6 u5 s! n; IHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
( f; p) t/ n8 @" i$ N: WYou are the right one I wait
8 l: f) T! a: q8 p; ^In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( G+ Q. B; |; G- i5 X7 h# _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
7 r& ?) d* q4 k. X7 R阿,我爱你
/ b* ~4 O" J( U0 e- \& Y3 z你让我心跳好快
; i) }4 H/ K# s0 x你让我脸发热
2 j0 M( U# V. Q2 O) }我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
& {. f  ]4 V- X不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
( ^7 b' X) m& S6 O- [6 T至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
) ]7 Y6 @- k5 n8 O# o& h* ~闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
8 N- d' s! v8 `0 I) U阿,我爱你
0 D, Q7 _! ~' H' \4 v  P  T; r你让我心跳好快
, }) s9 {1 n) y7 y. ~, j你让我脸发热
2 u2 D6 Y  u/ M; G' I! W我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
7 e1 G6 ~1 W* ?5 N+ l3 O: I不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
% x5 C: P1 _$ |

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。