我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
. I' [0 a( p1 }! o
I fell in love with you
At the first week we met
) w. t1 Y0 ?7 C# G( N7 p( X
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
) ~7 _/ U) I& gAs spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars
! N6 W1 B3 ?. I; M" s! o7 C/ r
. m0 _: j9 x6 x' t; }# u4 vYour lip is so big
/ }* i3 B- ]& m: I& YAnd that’s good for a kiss
8 b6 {9 \' @' d5 l: ~Your body is chubby
' s) [  G% r/ y% {, K8 ]; rAnd that is good for sex

* h5 u1 h  G! {6 hI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
4 |" o: b9 Y5 d$ {, {7 M4 }You blame me everything and everyday
0 {6 A8 K/ y1 H& c& q4 pAnd I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
/ s4 s) ?) ], PSaying no good for making funny sound
* G* ~; _% o# NI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
3 A( \) y) I7 U, u
I fell in love with you
+ {/ y2 t# u: N1 eBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
3 B1 f# v, N# f. x% \$ tAnd that is the price for love

! x0 a' I; l1 g) Oyou are deeply in love
7 |* f( `- J  r( \7 _Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

3 z4 z! D, A5 {You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
6 }4 M$ V: }# M& L+ g; b7 Y2 S& xMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
( z& w5 g3 ^% l& G! o
& l0 \, o% r+ {unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
8 S* o+ m3 ?- R6 c# }. ]my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
8 Z* E" F) J6 U  @2 u不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 ]: N- z, l2 W& d+ [4 Q! \And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
/ d# y, j- z8 }In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

; ]/ h/ w1 P$ p! a6 ^' t; ^Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
- b# D: S1 B3 C; Z. eAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
/ ^, r6 i+ j0 i
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
8 o  m( V3 j! ~1 [/ F5 ?although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
. S' [$ a! s' _( J  KBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


3 C, Z. E5 ~9 T; g  H% z" qHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
+ m2 K' @. e: N* b; d3 gHis forever is simply as her smile
4 A# \6 Z* l. V) |He said she was what was missing
* {5 i1 {4 v) VShe said instantly she knew
6 a; w8 `3 E/ K- l+ C  ZShe was a question to be answered
0 f, v$ j0 |8 mAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
5 R1 m2 p- A+ V; ]# B
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
; T# i1 P$ d, U8 D1 |9 A
It's amazing how I felt
6 V$ z0 @3 v0 q3 P- ~: u2 qwhen I was with you
: A/ J, ~+ l; X: a* c7 m$ lMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
6 ^2 f9 \9 e' p# bHoly Jesus, you were so cute
, _4 c' [; N6 X; K
* }! H3 q* s/ u) j/ B' pYou left me without a word
: Q% ]8 U* h' s9 |$ z; uI have nothing except my emptiness
) O5 N7 _; S) {9 T# zMy mood is like a cloud
4 y7 w8 Z" o1 ~How could it be dispersed?

3 x- o. K% K7 ]6 {5 {Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
7 J! r- m6 |5 YIn the depth of my soul
! n% K: ^6 u5 F  ^0 R- A5 |I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( R, V6 Q! p: F你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
, s2 l) j. D; ~/ S9 o阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
" y& s; n  D" |% v" P! W# ~" f我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
4 W* l2 _! L$ V* P不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
* z# U. w. C6 ^# j) T$ H& w) x
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
" c" ]( |- D; \) w5 X, F闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
% ~9 U* [0 o1 y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
2 k8 I" }/ l8 t- ^0 v" f就和用中文写一次
3 G0 l$ z* G# w& C% v4 f阿,我爱你
8 m. L; w! N. Q/ V/ |, u! u你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

  G4 K$ b5 Y  U/ @' u$ l
1 }+ s# j* m. T& e靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。