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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love9 R- \8 ^/ z; O" n' c6 K. X: p
1 l. p* L+ I, U& l0 F% T% [
I fell in love with you
6 u- ]# ~6 b! H% I# B* N" A! TAt the first week we met
: U# l9 _7 s1 h0 c2 P4 N. O1 r, Y5 i$ \/ ^' `
You have charm, you have looks
- C! D. {' q0 i6 _% B6 Owith full of pimples in face
1 i9 n8 j4 [$ o5 W; AAs spotting sky at a summer night2 W! q, ?) _7 v  c
They are shining stars5 @. s& `, H, J8 _5 _

! a7 S9 t5 P/ B0 A' m* F/ t7 J7 M. UYour lip is so big
5 P' o) X/ Z  X( M+ `4 h! KAnd that’s good for a kiss: {& t# ^; N; \( \  S% h- u
Your body is chubby3 ], x, [( C: w) [6 O. k
And that is good for sex
, }$ s3 ^7 G" M% d. K3 r9 A% M( ]
" I/ T6 Y# c! P+ NI was deeply in love
) ^7 c( U& Y. B: g4 c0 wEverything from you is positive; C1 b2 _/ d% a0 E
You blame me everything and everyday
, q$ w# a9 }" a3 s+ VAnd I think all girls sound like
+ J2 l% [% c9 I& l$ n, C3 N) ?- f1 H
You could not stand my eating, i8 Q: u* \. ]. f
Saying no good for making funny sound
9 k4 {$ a3 m8 ^3 gI think you are perfectly right  l8 z) [$ x. w2 Q0 l+ d- d
Eating with sound is a pig
: t, Y! B# @, v* E7 G# p: u( I. F+ o$ }3 y1 ~- Z9 J0 U( e; @& Y* d
I fell in love with you
' I7 i3 f& {" M5 x4 ABecome a fool to think
# H. S+ t, O) \( F* F2 P& P6 ]All trouble things you did9 F/ _7 W4 t' X) o1 P$ r
And that is the price for love- W9 e. w3 S+ M6 _
& ]. e+ B9 O" J
you are deeply in love3 N6 a2 P) ]1 v7 D$ ?' l% S
Everything from me is negative
& \2 s! s, q, i"My man should be like this,
6 k5 @) d% W2 iand I am helping you to improve'
, @8 o5 Z: [7 \0 a/ K9 U
6 O" |; X5 s  a6 pYou are loving me 6 i4 C% X& y; }7 s- u3 [
or that one in your mind?7 w1 `* ]  i3 B! }( ?5 ^, \8 C6 G# ?
My mind is like a mud
) r# Q, O: N) ican be shaped whatever you want$ F2 q$ Q, D3 z' N" S5 o
/ T' i* P! f. z/ Q( E' S
unfortunalety not my heart3 A& k2 D9 L; `6 t' \; y# G
It is slashed by you ) L- r" m8 `$ n, P! Q
and I am seriously hurt
# n; n$ j: p% Q' }2 f
) I9 P8 W0 P8 V# X. p% `I will never love another
. ?0 k3 [6 ]; \$ `& H$ [If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
/ {: S! t' p' r* Y! f7 ^+ vmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 _1 v9 V, P5 _6 s" N0 {7 d  r1 |
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!( y! R* f# V( ]5 M4 o3 `
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
8 ^6 v" N4 c$ o4 g" Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
4 @) s6 B9 U# i) sAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
: c, O; K$ {; n4 w8 k. o8 A# U# \; v1 M, \
with the charm,
& y( K. P3 N& d  w1 W8 u% Awith the simles.7 U. V. @5 y  ?/ u
I fell in love with you ( C& W  J6 S1 t3 _% r! J' U* U- u
In the first sign.
& ^( S: N" Y( `As spotting sky at a summer
- |1 f" s! J, a2 _; B8 x
# `" {2 D5 D+ c( ]$ P7 ^Your lip is so soft
' G5 ~0 a" P9 E( Athere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
' w8 h( _! Z$ F7 u; P0 |Your body is so sexy% n( l7 W; b# F4 B- _
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
) X5 \1 O4 A* ^2 S6 z1 `# d: v4 M4 d- H
I am deeply in love% F7 H6 h. B4 Q' X; X/ @
Everything from you is so charming4 b  x+ t! X) ?
although You r so picky for me
$ E; R* n! }. dAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.3 v/ ?/ a% Q* u" b& _5 ?
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem: G' i# C; N) B& d2 n

9 ?$ d" Q4 l* i3 V( v0 M" N$ f8 |. G5 j
His hello is the end of her endings
. @6 ?1 M- l3 r9 IHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
0 l5 C' h$ X: ]# s, h0 VHis hand would be hers to hold forever
+ B( H5 e  M- S8 G. ~His forever is simply as her smile / Q+ ]$ h: V+ \) X2 H5 S
He said she was what was missing
5 |+ a1 f, s3 N8 q7 s7 h2 r. [She said instantly she knew; v+ K/ `4 a2 F
She was a question to be answered9 Y; F7 L1 G0 {9 M3 o/ @( O6 F4 t
And his answer is
7 _6 x5 k0 E4 F  ?- ?I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
8 o4 @. K" T- O* w# c0 E
5 D/ j# |5 W( e+ \$ d6 kBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt: o* ~: u) J# ~: K2 H5 W

& `6 A3 y/ {: D' n7 IIt's amazing how I felt
1 b. x: u( n9 k* _5 f8 X- M( W- nwhen I was with you0 I. \: |5 X$ Q
My heart beat so fast- t4 x! |; r1 P) E
I looked at you and thought
: D4 r+ b# }2 T( y2 w& i9 p5 RHoly Jesus, you were so cute$ s' R, ^+ e/ A( s
3 U0 @' |3 V& h2 d
You left me without a word, J8 I  [- E1 A8 x
I have nothing except my emptiness
+ o/ o1 Z; ~5 r- h( LMy mood is like a cloud
, z1 V: F* o8 |3 x7 NHow could it be dispersed?' H0 q6 G% s# |+ J
+ H8 D5 R7 L& G
Feelings bite my heart 1 Y4 L, R! o! x5 p- e" f+ y
You are the right one I wait
% ]) Z( h% r! J2 @( nIn the depth of my soul. W; [7 \% O! I/ ~4 I
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ D7 l9 G. ?2 T你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道6 P; S* |) C$ f- T2 ?# `) d
就和用中文写一次" W0 W8 ?' H! N7 q/ H
阿,我爱你
, u" h1 s2 Q- }1 T你让我心跳好快
1 r0 A8 D9 H! t+ _" f' c% h- ^9 N你让我脸发热% l* O6 |: f1 G# K* _
我爱上你的大嘴唇# t5 B: d9 N7 X, k: \, U
XXXXX
( t7 M0 e; e, N$ N不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?! l9 i- o6 T. z+ d! G2 t
+ Q- O& q, _, P( u$ ^! k+ a
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
4 c- p  D" L" R4 }) k* f/ u& D至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
4 \& C) A' n$ u8 z闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 }- Q9 x" e$ V. _你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 P/ M0 p- K) P$ b$ I; Y- G. d: H
就和用中文写一次
  _+ I/ `( T% p. B$ ^6 x阿,我爱你- a* n. D( |8 F9 @! A
你让我心跳好快, N- {8 L" M$ C4 E% }9 P
你让我脸发热
/ Z' V/ Y7 ]) x$ T$ |- G我爱上你的大嘴唇6 _6 V, x% k# A5 C8 q6 m; G1 h
XXXXX
/ V8 X5 |9 W$ K. H% D+ n不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

+ U' A, q8 F0 w, L0 X) H
) b2 Z  V. a5 A! J5 z靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
, [3 |$ D: ~* @( y
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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