埃德蒙顿华人社区-Edmonton China

 找回密码
 注册
查看: 5024|回复: 20

我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

[复制链接]
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
: O; v( O/ j$ A
1 o* N" H4 Z! m% i% ?' a4 YI fell in love with you 4 P, ~: _: E* e8 q7 ?
At the first week we met
9 l5 D  O- w: L8 `1 o
8 s9 a) j8 s& U# }/ vYou have charm, you have looks) ^! {! j' n- _3 [8 r
with full of pimples in face
0 v! C" T' G0 h8 [( d7 ^* m8 iAs spotting sky at a summer night
& e/ \5 A+ b: S1 ?They are shining stars
1 j, }. N2 ]5 X, M, M5 q% y2 b1 y& A! [; W
Your lip is so big
. r+ j; l4 Y1 S3 @+ f9 wAnd that’s good for a kiss
: f& L5 j  ~9 s9 y% zYour body is chubby! j  p5 l& s' W: W3 z/ s
And that is good for sex
$ J% Z+ K0 |/ I+ J- V: X# r9 k% R  T  H( w. z
I was deeply in love
" ~0 M5 P5 P. M6 b1 EEverything from you is positive
% g" L# Q, x, ~% j) h  q0 eYou blame me everything and everyday9 }) `0 X% x* k6 c$ m4 ?
And I think all girls sound like
/ L+ X4 u' ]0 Z1 [
# ^; D. F& d6 |You could not stand my eating
0 `) t' y( l3 B2 [3 N' jSaying no good for making funny sound" R5 R2 t7 @- h& `, z
I think you are perfectly right
# s8 h) [5 ?7 |! m5 HEating with sound is a pig
7 y9 R% g. ?# W  |0 p$ ]
) J3 C. l* p; V$ aI fell in love with you - ^% i4 k$ _3 i0 |9 a
Become a fool to think: d; b, _+ b9 R, t0 ~( Z
All trouble things you did. V0 k  {! _# ~% y. A
And that is the price for love% S) i  T: D* n! ]: l( a

! f# E6 `9 m8 @8 ?you are deeply in love+ h. ^( G, k! G
Everything from me is negative
9 C& S/ [  A6 M1 T3 Q"My man should be like this,5 e3 ]: L; ^( K+ `; o  h
and I am helping you to improve'
# E7 K1 [) V; G. R& o: g
; _# ~5 ], [: Y9 gYou are loving me
( L( y0 s- [1 aor that one in your mind?6 V5 N; H. M4 A
My mind is like a mud& S( {% y" S- v2 F2 V$ e1 R5 J8 X
can be shaped whatever you want$ N* p, C9 ~9 [# B
1 v( _0 D& J1 W$ @5 P$ o: b  {
unfortunalety not my heart7 _: P* v, j& `- @
It is slashed by you
6 G" _# j* \; P; X1 E6 I! I+ s1 aand I am seriously hurt0 ]6 u- p2 X7 t* l

( t( r% W2 o( q- B. |I will never love another
9 p( K" h2 r- h* [% @# F" `If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 8 r$ x. l9 `8 `3 i" s
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

+ C+ _' S0 ?7 ?6 }6 G3 i! O, ]6 y; @
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!" p7 ~/ n, a& @& T2 Z
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
: Z3 y, W5 y0 Hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
2 z% x5 d0 C; o, l; _$ FAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed, E2 W# M8 y' d8 a" h3 N
- w! J2 J$ O! v3 e
with the charm,% Q( @( d; F3 E2 j+ A: U# F1 Q  F/ W5 t
with the simles.0 `: b. z9 p8 v4 g
I fell in love with you ' D  ?5 ~8 X' j9 p6 y1 |$ c
In the first sign.
. _% t1 f2 o* g) `! m1 v4 gAs spotting sky at a summer " L+ L; v+ q/ Z
! a4 n6 ?' B; W! F
Your lip is so soft " |& h" C& W) g0 r8 t
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss) B  P: ^) a# h
Your body is so sexy
, H+ i& O. e5 u; f$ R( r2 nAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
/ B: ?! c; W( U% K3 g' E# i
7 D3 K8 P4 ~/ [) c2 o- |I am deeply in love
9 l% T. k2 a. p9 nEverything from you is so charming
. O6 H0 F( z* _. I+ }) valthough You r so picky for me
- ]" ^, L+ o1 [. |' @And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.: T1 j2 {, D6 w/ U1 ^; g; t
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
+ h7 I$ m+ M3 j0 O2 u* F# P. m, o2 c1 I, ~$ m' F8 `" w

, {, Z& f& g; pHis hello is the end of her endings7 v* Q- s0 s: R* D& P9 Q
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
% S. y& m- M4 T: N8 mHis hand would be hers to hold forever
' [& Q1 Q9 A8 J' g2 \5 T& v8 v7 qHis forever is simply as her smile ) \8 p# \! m4 d- V& `
He said she was what was missing5 x4 `5 ?- U% T4 h, }1 [
She said instantly she knew
- t* `2 D* p( ZShe was a question to be answered
; c1 r3 \/ Y% n$ }7 |And his answer is : s( h3 x2 t. y: n. n1 C' K
I do
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas/ f) S& U- L4 ]7 T4 z* S
1 t! y" z# R$ B7 Z
Below is my new one, any comment?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt& A0 |# o: q5 @
( _1 i. k& A# s+ m  ]
It's amazing how I felt 6 d! |! _0 T2 u/ _& }+ a& U5 z% j' F
when I was with you
4 m0 Y6 ]  L6 y/ {5 lMy heart beat so fast" o0 |* B/ B2 _& m' {: c
I looked at you and thought
6 D; F( s7 K% n5 {3 c3 [Holy Jesus, you were so cute: n/ A* |; |! S5 f4 V9 |% ]  w

  ^: L! v" R. HYou left me without a word2 J9 [" O8 Y# @6 ^
I have nothing except my emptiness
2 P+ Y5 Z, N6 N9 e4 o( EMy mood is like a cloud4 [* |/ v9 A! E/ |) p8 x
How could it be dispersed?( z' x; ?3 G2 P

% z5 A! R" }1 L- bFeelings bite my heart
  _& f1 R  S" p4 \$ C+ A" }You are the right one I wait
- b' S* B) s8 ~8 y1 [In the depth of my soul  R4 v9 W  C/ w
I will love you till I'm dead
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美  a" l5 G: A8 X1 i; V
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( e  [& c' H; U% R' B6 \0 ?
就和用中文写一次1 @! A6 o0 @+ A" u# U
阿,我爱你5 k0 ], W5 }3 O3 n
你让我心跳好快
7 p, C  O- y4 S你让我脸发热2 v- b8 O4 l! n' ?5 x$ A# }+ W
我爱上你的大嘴唇  }/ u% i" L' Q3 v) n# A! j" s" W
XXXXX
/ p8 `" G  A. V5 Z不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?  g& b0 `* H& K  b

. Y$ p8 ~+ [7 e6 w" U, {如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER7 w0 L8 K# I( Y2 k' j, f& n; W
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - B7 l* I& C! n4 U7 i/ ?
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美& v$ K  E) u; Z) v; d
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道0 b. {- a& Z7 x7 }( t
就和用中文写一次
( n" v( e: Y; ?  j阿,我爱你3 l; O/ u& r' c% F) T, B5 q
你让我心跳好快
& }0 J& ]; v& J# C, A' @- e你让我脸发热& ?, @5 X- Z3 h3 v. Q
我爱上你的大嘴唇, m/ k7 O- f$ u9 S2 b
XXXXX, V; Z" w7 [4 j/ n. G/ q" U, T
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

0 n7 T* g$ @% o+ N( u" k5 h" r. w" w5 t% j. s# b
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
0 `9 X" L, S) h; J) `% j+ A; u
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册

本版积分规则

联系我们|小黑屋|手机版|Archiver|埃德蒙顿中文网

GMT-7, 2026-2-5 10:57 , Processed in 0.139859 second(s), 33 queries , Gzip On, APC On.

Powered by Discuz! X3.4

Copyright © 2001-2021, Tencent Cloud.

快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表