我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
& B, B/ V2 N0 M. {0 E! o9 O' H
I fell in love with you
% P& i/ i+ U: f$ l2 IAt the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
0 x( s3 z2 N" V8 I0 ]As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

. {- d+ H$ f8 p0 zI was deeply in love
- E8 {5 B: W. F3 ^Everything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
! S! g' [5 X' x  jAnd I think all girls sound like

& [6 y# P5 G' m2 q+ J- m2 ZYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
( {4 P% P. u% X0 j7 v# r1 z1 xI think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
4 N% Q: T2 ~# j; {" f/ S5 {And that is the price for love
8 Z: R: Q) J; h) V9 [+ \
you are deeply in love
3 U. c8 A7 u- `& v% cEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
& f4 _4 i( C* I. F. Z  ~  @and I am helping you to improve'
0 }. L5 L% Q% f0 _( W3 j6 ^# W
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
2 S( w: R3 X) x' k' YMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
/ O8 g  S" e1 Q( B5 q
5 @" M- s6 H6 s, V9 _unfortunalety not my heart
8 g" t7 F& j. A! ?It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
$ O6 E5 v6 m% p8 B* Q" ~! s
9 g4 |5 C% g: DI will never love another
. P7 S4 V3 U/ v# ]: k+ ~If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

: }2 K  _: y' \# F* N% r1 p5 C
) @# w- F4 @6 n# a/ ?+ d$ v咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

" M. J) y' H+ F% \2 bwith the charm,
- l2 H$ h3 v! E; z% }with the simles.
I fell in love with you
/ y2 H4 w$ f- R2 qIn the first sign.
8 ~1 ^7 I# p* F% e" BAs spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
  i+ ?+ S# H) b7 `0 J, v4 Bthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
2 E1 s/ H; X& ^4 r9 xYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

3 ]0 M! r! W* ^. c( e5 f# A" MI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
: S) w5 x8 z! c; O) k  m, WAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
) @. `6 p) L( u$ J1 E; KBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
* D2 {2 M1 |# n9 g( {3 ?Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
* R* P+ E: I2 eHis hand would be hers to hold forever
7 v+ k+ d( I8 y9 R7 g' B  I2 dHis forever is simply as her smile
  `2 x" \1 X% \& X- ?* YHe said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
* d# d, w  F: |1 H( g( pAnd his answer is
) g: W6 B4 _! |9 b( T" U( p5 MI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
4 t# u2 ?2 a1 K9 B  @4 o9 ^' g: ^. {
. a$ h  E9 z0 v2 WBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

3 \$ r: x0 C9 n( |6 r& sIt's amazing how I felt
5 I6 L7 ~9 L# Q% t# l/ M8 _' Xwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
$ w) h6 v% B$ y& G- C- o! c7 hHoly Jesus, you were so cute
0 J- R' }$ r: G( H2 t& g9 s/ N1 \. L
5 y& s5 ~+ ~6 ?2 V0 pYou left me without a word
) N. C, Y* U! n) i: _I have nothing except my emptiness
: _% b$ @$ G6 w9 nMy mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

! G* z$ v( x8 D  D5 t' kFeelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
# N7 H  P# b( Q你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
1 J& E- N6 r+ f7 B9 P# T- k我爱上你的大嘴唇
) ~+ j& G. [0 |8 ~# Q. R& M! TXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

) Q) c! V* R9 X如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
, ~3 i% a0 q& S& s2 g0 E/ }/ y至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
9 q8 u! Z( _2 n1 T! P& H2 s闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" L2 D& E* N8 x$ o7 }4 b你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! Q% p9 P: M% \+ v! v9 [就和用中文写一次
( q) o: R. h( m$ u) ~1 d9 a0 m. s阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
3 k1 U$ d4 P; z1 ~* }你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
2 Q& x2 ?0 y  y: l3 J不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

( u7 [! p' S2 l5 q1 Q
; N* [6 G2 h5 P! w. I靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
& b/ j1 A: v" l; w3 j

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。