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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
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2 _+ c2 h9 [  T  b% W& II fell in love with you
1 l) }3 b  t! I. j% {; k3 EAt the first week we met! h  G9 f2 u9 d2 I4 I

9 j7 m3 ~; q, D& i$ j/ q5 IYou have charm, you have looks0 k; M. |- i4 W. Z3 j
with full of pimples in face* K9 `. q: h# c
As spotting sky at a summer night& u2 u8 g8 w; z# c: y1 a% g8 Q: V
They are shining stars
/ A9 X$ v9 V' q: u3 B0 [! W& c' ]. @( G0 B' F
Your lip is so big
7 y# `* {! N" O5 b. ], yAnd that’s good for a kiss
1 j& P3 L& R0 h. l6 u. aYour body is chubby
8 g4 }( F6 _/ R/ K1 Y8 T  aAnd that is good for sex
' S1 d5 y2 Z; p- p; I* ]2 A5 Y* y1 z2 Q( J; c9 I5 V7 ~2 @
I was deeply in love
1 t0 U/ s4 b; s! YEverything from you is positive( n) q# l2 K% l/ g2 `, i3 K
You blame me everything and everyday
  y- n* n3 H4 ^/ P; `" r8 x9 QAnd I think all girls sound like
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You could not stand my eating' {  y$ f5 h9 n5 r% ]
Saying no good for making funny sound5 G) p- {8 O2 |. ~  \# e3 z+ s
I think you are perfectly right
' m1 N4 M5 G# W$ C) CEating with sound is a pig
8 `: R" D( M% ^" |: J
5 _* m$ x5 b8 OI fell in love with you
) @: [* B. P" |Become a fool to think7 O- s1 `+ U% W! g8 w- u$ V
All trouble things you did
2 h6 _# k2 S$ _! o/ }And that is the price for love
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' F' O. t6 I- }5 _1 \you are deeply in love# \& e0 A+ V( Y6 g
Everything from me is negative6 ^4 f# V4 f2 l/ J0 g" u3 o
"My man should be like this,& P7 X! o9 Y9 W; O7 A! q# d# b
and I am helping you to improve'
& \% ]4 |6 m+ w6 e: b: \. k
4 @" H' b" M1 S* h( ^5 v# C. nYou are loving me . ^$ }* ^, D3 X' d) g% Q) g. w4 M
or that one in your mind?
6 b, B6 f; o8 M" U# AMy mind is like a mud3 s5 c2 E( b- D$ U  g
can be shaped whatever you want. K( T- e# ]$ i) F
/ U8 r7 D  p: T7 |
unfortunalety not my heart. n! b8 |, x* N0 J6 G" W. A! m7 @5 [3 D
It is slashed by you
3 X- m4 u) y7 [7 Nand I am seriously hurt
5 U9 w) _3 H; \3 h; o: \' L: }9 J, B
I will never love another 1 k9 k0 q0 X0 `% @1 P- [( }
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 5 W& ]# w; ]! D! f
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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0 Q& D* L9 G" ?: g3 J* K咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!4 v4 e+ Z) |" d' T: e! w5 v
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
6 v, S$ U" z3 r% [, j) V" Fi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.1 r) Z: M  Z' e* F, k3 }
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
" t; N  q/ d# \3 @" w+ }' ~6 y1 _8 F" P- }* W) i
with the charm,+ ]/ _2 `0 h5 b( z( I) W
with the simles.
3 i6 |! J% L0 r7 f" c( L4 N  jI fell in love with you
6 K. r, J- h2 i* c5 ?, T! DIn the first sign.- c4 O: u! q9 r
As spotting sky at a summer / a0 q% h# C8 I, a

/ F' ]# w2 f* e% W6 qYour lip is so soft 9 o! |" t; z# ^) U& i- q+ v
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
3 v" g# Q+ e9 e( L, HYour body is so sexy
8 ^. D9 j& [/ O" A! D; A: GAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.# Y7 V5 m5 j! o

9 W: C1 t1 P4 b0 J! \1 \I am deeply in love
2 v# ?# f* E7 G  P) b. @" E# p. J1 S; JEverything from you is so charming
6 O/ O* b6 z/ e' s' Ualthough You r so picky for me $ w7 N) H# v- w$ h
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
- s4 p- ]$ t0 e1 pBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem7 l. Z. {- f+ v7 s6 c5 X5 l
# Y( p1 X! ]+ `+ y8 z/ Y  J

/ X" @% T' ^* E6 ]0 P  j1 P! FHis hello is the end of her endings5 h; |% I: y6 J. G
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle, y1 U3 l8 n3 U( H7 J
His hand would be hers to hold forever0 q$ B% N/ O& P. `+ r; y& q' {9 G
His forever is simply as her smile 8 ]8 B/ K* @, [/ t/ j7 a
He said she was what was missing; P. \" o0 r; `( d
She said instantly she knew
) G, Y4 O3 r+ a+ N: z4 ]/ DShe was a question to be answered' x- J) F& [2 |8 n! o; l
And his answer is # x& O1 z. H% p4 O
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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! c, u) w6 @8 _* Y- ~' ]0 tBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt# B( A8 v+ E" s# ?& k, {. k

/ e/ F6 ^, g% qIt's amazing how I felt
! |- f! x- G" ^: R9 q) D: c% U, jwhen I was with you2 l% @* \/ A' ?' M
My heart beat so fast
9 f; D7 K: h# S% U0 EI looked at you and thought; }# l. R. l7 N: Y/ O7 \; v
Holy Jesus, you were so cute6 Q2 P9 g. o0 b# \; M
6 D1 n( M* p  Y& q/ u
You left me without a word/ G* M6 S9 Q* \5 a7 O# h0 c
I have nothing except my emptiness
: O# I- q, K$ w5 G1 sMy mood is like a cloud
+ N7 v& W: B9 t# h( _/ D% M  bHow could it be dispersed?% I; V+ o3 d& v2 t

( A. B; r9 E# r2 F& N$ pFeelings bite my heart 7 U) ]; H* `- t. y/ l0 ?, ]. j; e! }
You are the right one I wait" E9 Z6 I* k3 u- J$ T1 a) b
In the depth of my soul: X* a: b* k; Q# n* J1 o
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美: q% i# ]4 z6 t- S
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道! P4 T( i7 X* {: p: m
就和用中文写一次7 b! j  E3 U& I4 M, L) C! H
阿,我爱你, ^8 z: N8 \/ b; G- ?5 L- @" m
你让我心跳好快
4 u& ]1 b- o( W, Y( {/ u9 O/ J你让我脸发热: i5 U6 P: M9 E5 J: V
我爱上你的大嘴唇; H& \% v  K/ i; T) ^, H
XXXXX
. |* t1 p3 W8 N不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
% u3 C8 B+ w. A8 e" m; ?$ F! Q: R+ J) r' h6 f' {
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER& M$ H6 l& |  E: c; N
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 # L* [# B# [# e
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 c. B  J+ _; M6 S你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 {+ R9 J% c% O/ x
就和用中文写一次
. S: r4 u; [6 K. ~阿,我爱你) Y  D6 g2 ]) g6 ]1 _
你让我心跳好快
  ]  a' y% C+ w3 Y: b你让我脸发热2 [& o9 G7 I2 {/ b
我爱上你的大嘴唇( r% f. p+ ?0 ^- N1 p' i. ?
XXXXX- S* G& ~' W1 f0 I% o3 V8 v" C9 r
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

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靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca./ N  r0 Q5 S; D( m$ H
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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