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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love9 _8 I5 q: n  g( Z
* O" I8 D7 s7 ^# z+ K' c
I fell in love with you : B+ f7 ?! P2 x! ^0 N/ s
At the first week we met
+ S  J- k2 x, ?' D5 e- c; \* }4 J) V* \, i5 e
You have charm, you have looks
: y! a3 o! x. L5 _5 mwith full of pimples in face
: U$ _! p* ?: [8 T) JAs spotting sky at a summer night5 t3 T" P0 g# X) H6 L% D& S+ E
They are shining stars
& s+ Q( }( v3 K3 u3 k+ O8 Q6 T8 [6 t0 p* \
Your lip is so big
9 A8 W4 t  J8 \7 l; ~And that’s good for a kiss( x6 x5 b  n* G. r( g4 K: o
Your body is chubby
: L1 b0 V) i) ]& ]And that is good for sex
" }" \- A5 }) A4 o& w! o
: m3 a1 H, \% l  j$ |I was deeply in love8 u3 f5 Y  E9 E. q0 ]7 @
Everything from you is positive. X, `& ~5 q# j/ ^
You blame me everything and everyday5 \& v/ x& Y  k# R! e/ L% \6 }
And I think all girls sound like
' H1 H+ @8 T  e5 c! |+ g1 ?0 L" `# k! [5 b, P
You could not stand my eating
% n; n  ]2 H  B2 Q5 gSaying no good for making funny sound, W4 C+ Y4 q6 h1 @0 F0 c" P
I think you are perfectly right
/ d- I: j- M) c/ l+ @Eating with sound is a pig
5 B, P( m1 R5 o& h- ]! J9 r/ }
4 `# e4 O, w& v+ O. D+ `3 x5 |5 p8 ^I fell in love with you
# p4 T2 c, S- R/ ]Become a fool to think3 `8 d- b: A5 v! L4 i% O' B
All trouble things you did
: M# q. w8 K) K- A/ bAnd that is the price for love
7 [4 d/ [, }) s+ X; p9 Y
! S: [) v7 _0 I8 y7 L2 v* iyou are deeply in love6 \1 h: f" X7 d  @. Y) V
Everything from me is negative
2 p$ K5 c, N+ z4 C9 S6 ^"My man should be like this,8 F* B7 T1 X- f9 h) h$ \* j
and I am helping you to improve'6 E/ m" _+ K5 q3 @7 H

) o6 i3 W8 S3 g. cYou are loving me ) ?: A; m& B) D6 ?+ ?4 ]
or that one in your mind?
% s* m+ S2 C. D0 B3 {' tMy mind is like a mud: h+ B' P1 Q. I2 H0 d
can be shaped whatever you want6 g& F7 Z5 w; N' B7 v6 L$ O2 A5 T; k
( ^% J, {- w1 c2 \, q: ?: s) f
unfortunalety not my heart, b7 K+ Q, t2 o
It is slashed by you ) g( [3 s3 a0 K& p1 |
and I am seriously hurt! [& _4 l7 T. D/ \
- [) P% Y' q. _& ?1 u
I will never love another
3 r, y' M4 x. F# T; q1 FIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
( z9 `# V7 ]1 T0 @5 M( Z( q, x+ K9 E+ Smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
- N2 N  P1 w- T4 L  o$ X. I2 j$ ?5 a不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
. i8 m: v6 q8 m/ f% a+ Zi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.( g5 r- ]: e% R! c. X5 Q, h: S
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed6 F: p# u3 _9 A1 q

) v% t+ W" K- o' g% o6 {4 `with the charm,: R. ?* u2 L& ]  d" T2 @  J, w& }
with the simles.8 ~& C4 i& M2 ?8 Y, c( F/ B
I fell in love with you
9 N% X5 S- s- _! K( wIn the first sign.
# F, `* t3 C; `! rAs spotting sky at a summer ; U4 y" @/ p+ U& M3 X
( L6 _/ m0 b0 y: {
Your lip is so soft 0 x1 i! R% J( ~" H6 k. P; L5 P# P
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss6 o7 z6 }0 \+ ^! T7 {
Your body is so sexy
& q. y+ d/ X. r5 H! _8 D9 U% X* L$ bAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
  A) C0 r8 d( A. M# j
9 w. F8 [' _9 R+ _I am deeply in love2 y- ?$ ~' T6 u4 C
Everything from you is so charming
3 [0 ]+ x: [$ h1 `3 h" nalthough You r so picky for me . d% \, U) c. a8 K" G/ q: U' P: l' M
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
# ^6 W4 Q' E0 T. ~1 d, V3 \3 jBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
1 k7 K0 D2 g% ~4 G9 G0 c: \4 B; d8 S' h% z' a* S) U% |. H
9 h' L0 q) {8 l5 ^
His hello is the end of her endings# a2 m0 [7 l5 [2 [- X
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle4 G# @3 q+ W( q% {
His hand would be hers to hold forever
& ]$ T# ~1 K; {2 AHis forever is simply as her smile
7 W7 f5 k1 A0 `# X* e: d2 XHe said she was what was missing8 _; @2 A4 _7 U! P; e4 [5 n/ D. [
She said instantly she knew
' N8 c! C0 V2 _; e3 t- i1 MShe was a question to be answered
+ M# Z) I3 o. T* v1 V' i$ Q5 R% bAnd his answer is : f& ~9 ~: h4 Q5 e1 `% c) C
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
3 V+ X# V9 o* Q: h; @2 I' ], o# ]) J% @4 c8 P
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt, s4 j4 Y! t$ D. R$ @* S7 s
6 l$ x9 M1 Q: M7 Z8 f- o
It's amazing how I felt ) a, [7 }, o1 r
when I was with you
, ^5 B5 i( O2 d, w4 sMy heart beat so fast
" ^$ J1 h% r9 ^4 {& B# b, _; MI looked at you and thought
( _! T' b; ^% y5 j9 M+ V5 ]Holy Jesus, you were so cute7 C+ X$ K7 }. V

* {( z2 o2 A' V6 P5 m$ [2 M: qYou left me without a word& P7 [) p6 K- k0 ^0 \/ t2 R
I have nothing except my emptiness0 b' J. [0 w2 `1 [7 a9 L& l
My mood is like a cloud
: @9 L1 a+ [" UHow could it be dispersed?! ?: ]% v: f) N' a3 \6 R

5 T; [8 t0 ^3 M5 iFeelings bite my heart   H9 j, h: T0 a9 E, x$ v
You are the right one I wait* C1 G) r! h6 y4 ^! ]: `' c+ W
In the depth of my soul
) z" E! L" j2 h1 Q( sI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美; M$ V9 H2 h- _- s
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
# S8 j" ?0 R: s就和用中文写一次
2 x( ~+ L! C* E+ ^阿,我爱你, c9 p) |, N) q: W- \0 K2 Y
你让我心跳好快
5 G7 I! h& r7 ]- ?你让我脸发热  a) [* ^( q; o
我爱上你的大嘴唇' T) }  K# c, ?4 [; z. ~# Y
XXXXX; ^7 Y. P& I% |% o( X
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?3 X' P' l9 d/ h8 z1 }4 A# J

: a  m$ D9 ~7 v3 ]如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER7 }3 G2 O$ y! o
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
1 b, D; |1 H6 |( c+ Z* |闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" D* g; L  T2 W1 ?6 b7 w
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ x- D% a9 i0 H0 L: g& c就和用中文写一次. e  j! i0 t/ c
阿,我爱你$ z1 U% W" k$ w. Z  W! Z
你让我心跳好快, D% V2 ^5 \7 h* d* {8 {6 ^
你让我脸发热
7 _  b# h3 z- D6 O( a我爱上你的大嘴唇. G' x1 o# @0 C0 ?7 S& u
XXXXX
; ~7 B( X1 d0 H7 W不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 f5 y" n& C2 [9 X
9 S% `& [- r/ {9 [' @7 V5 X6 ]靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.$ Z! q2 |4 d: ]- J6 Z
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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