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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love( o, [4 \) |0 [) f( y7 r0 f

& G" ~: ^3 `' l( P! C" rI fell in love with you 0 M  s& R$ ^  I0 O  F
At the first week we met
2 B- L7 r1 S. U& k# I3 y) ~) O
6 z2 X9 Z1 p# L( P, T- WYou have charm, you have looks
; S, Y, }$ g  N  H7 Hwith full of pimples in face+ p. b8 e+ U4 i$ _* D$ H% Y
As spotting sky at a summer night9 W8 F/ O% `$ n, T+ ?
They are shining stars1 K6 r4 R# h3 b

7 P. u7 g0 d) B6 w- M* l3 BYour lip is so big$ i# Z0 C' d9 A8 y& A6 H0 B
And that’s good for a kiss
) \$ X% e$ G# W; x5 C3 RYour body is chubby! {3 W- n! C: e$ T5 ?' U# ?( Q
And that is good for sex" P% u9 L- c+ R7 j. y

0 ]4 P3 t: s( G6 B) V  ?1 LI was deeply in love0 p+ N. _: m& t: P
Everything from you is positive* K) a) Z& X7 b. |& a
You blame me everything and everyday
! ^. g" u* [$ I$ v3 sAnd I think all girls sound like) _+ b' ^) e* k7 n% v

8 e: K3 r1 v; e* hYou could not stand my eating
# l; P& t7 E6 ]* r$ aSaying no good for making funny sound
; a; s/ R# o( a5 t2 ~" i. WI think you are perfectly right
. `- [" K: `7 p/ X4 [Eating with sound is a pig
2 o/ ?% A' M: ?4 j, s3 c; J" V# w! O. b, s4 w, @, Q& e
I fell in love with you " j- {* B$ x) }
Become a fool to think
1 E* R+ ^9 ^4 {. R* p2 Q% vAll trouble things you did$ |1 ~" E$ N, Z3 F  ?) ^
And that is the price for love% @# u' F. l; E, k" G
6 ?( ^$ V+ m+ [: ~% w4 B
you are deeply in love  n7 ?! @! h: J' y: I
Everything from me is negative
  g& l4 Q' R" }, r5 p"My man should be like this,6 N0 M9 ?5 S5 o2 d2 X: h
and I am helping you to improve'
' B3 s$ A( o. j1 n( m7 w& a
" V/ y. s" v& f8 W. V0 y' ^You are loving me ! ~* G  L+ F' h6 L# r8 }) \, u
or that one in your mind?
0 J8 `- d5 L9 S0 }) ]/ eMy mind is like a mud/ s3 s- l$ B7 o# \6 s
can be shaped whatever you want  I! W# I/ e7 H6 ?/ K

$ t* |' v% u7 Z: nunfortunalety not my heart% H. Q( K: d- |2 x/ \/ D
It is slashed by you
" r! _" P( F' A0 ^! _and I am seriously hurt2 v5 L6 C  ^6 s

* c0 G1 i2 D+ oI will never love another 4 E' D9 c( m  [1 R/ N) k1 u
If my heart can be fixed
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 . I9 j% [' I0 W1 b0 I5 b
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
  }; N4 L/ G  t: c9 X; D# E

: `8 F* P, r3 L& L' `/ C咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
# I8 Z' q$ c% R3 N9 i. Q1 ?不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
( T! x8 Y" f9 `# o8 R9 L' Mi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.: w/ p% Y6 \0 e4 M7 C
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed; g4 t" I6 H+ D) |. l
$ ]7 ?! U0 R6 ~, [0 z7 Z; j
with the charm,7 C) E; ~: Q1 @+ X& u( p
with the simles.
& W$ a( O1 [8 ]* G/ }I fell in love with you ' I7 g: S1 T. n# t: m; r9 z7 S
In the first sign.
9 J9 k; y9 C( t% {As spotting sky at a summer 2 e( S6 G# ?& U! Y" b4 h/ b+ `2 A
" M3 f/ m( C1 ]1 z, c
Your lip is so soft
0 z# ^! N7 n1 l, e. M/ mthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
" L# A6 W3 Y  B. K9 UYour body is so sexy
: ]% }; I) _! K  g, O  eAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.2 L% u6 X# J9 {7 S6 j. p
5 r" _2 P2 D, k7 f
I am deeply in love7 K2 F+ B  D- Y$ h
Everything from you is so charming& G$ i8 F/ Y% S" ^2 w" z
although You r so picky for me 7 I5 b+ x' P. q  l7 L# L, Q/ R* W$ @8 _
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
7 Q. I" l$ ^) Y9 Q! @' cBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem# R/ [( D; v- T. z+ |6 e/ O- N  c% k
# o; o9 J+ O! a

# j/ R5 \4 r* I: ^' YHis hello is the end of her endings, I$ h8 C2 z) r( Y% ~7 I
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
* u3 }  N  \; }  Q" ?% i! Y0 e3 wHis hand would be hers to hold forever
1 A; o3 ~$ Y+ EHis forever is simply as her smile 6 n0 I6 A" Q$ [6 j, R
He said she was what was missing$ h5 q  O* [( Y3 p; _/ |
She said instantly she knew" z, _3 l& A4 }" |/ K7 x3 Z- ?( P
She was a question to be answered
4 W0 v- ]. d! f" B* L, u* PAnd his answer is
2 n! f, e( M7 u+ q5 t3 Z, KI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
2 P" j; t! e2 w7 T8 l& Y$ Z
: k" ^3 k7 `( o, ^, _6 lBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
2 V  Y% \" E8 D( m# B% U9 C. I; _4 a1 ^
It's amazing how I felt
- }; [* [: Q4 k: I$ dwhen I was with you) k8 ^0 ~! j- y/ ^
My heart beat so fast8 c- q: S+ H# e0 F$ g6 S
I looked at you and thought
6 ~6 Y& O, F6 S! s. w+ Z* LHoly Jesus, you were so cute
% z" q$ ], ~+ d6 D" r  U
0 ^5 Z: u% Z5 hYou left me without a word: s# s& y0 B+ A+ n7 \- Y7 o
I have nothing except my emptiness
, M1 D+ i9 E4 L7 B7 \My mood is like a cloud
0 {! u" ?7 Z6 L  \/ F% M9 H; pHow could it be dispersed?1 {$ ]2 U. B. P

$ v, G) z, Z& j$ Q6 hFeelings bite my heart - W/ m: {' j# P. x9 E
You are the right one I wait$ O3 `$ B  X2 `, W' j
In the depth of my soul
& P, K; E  u8 ]3 DI will love you till I'm dead
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美% U3 q2 [- K" r
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" e( L/ H. \* f* j. p就和用中文写一次% h, @4 x% s2 w* x" |/ t
阿,我爱你
. H; X; O$ e2 \& {7 w你让我心跳好快
9 Y: G/ F4 O1 z/ P. |  G% u3 x你让我脸发热3 o8 V0 [9 B3 z6 g" M8 ~8 H
我爱上你的大嘴唇
8 t4 G& m# H2 G. i5 }, TXXXXX" w; P3 N0 w, a  s! {
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?2 r7 Y1 R9 b: _2 ^5 D

! m$ e+ y/ `0 C+ o如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER+ u1 u! d: ]& V5 G1 }
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 5 n; n+ w* Q* T% h4 k1 v
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. q2 U- l" z# `8 C) i5 h
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
4 W# ?/ y( ]( T. N& ~9 q就和用中文写一次
$ h. k4 f2 b) z, K阿,我爱你
# ^# m7 H& ]7 d; L( p4 c你让我心跳好快- R1 E  M% p8 s% J6 d' Q
你让我脸发热
- o+ p+ J+ B7 ^+ g9 C1 h- t" L我爱上你的大嘴唇* Y. e8 [4 h( N) _- i: t
XXXXX5 P8 L$ ]1 m% C- d! E/ n7 H
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

. z% ^3 @) F8 @! @# |
' s1 E0 \) k$ X7 ?' q  g: j靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.. G+ D3 w  D+ i3 V0 Z3 D/ M
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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