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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
) n, |0 G: ^; b6 H7 n; u6 ?7 e/ e, A  L$ {$ A8 [; j* n
I fell in love with you $ s( r0 s* g2 c  i  }, P
At the first week we met$ z2 d  v2 S3 h8 ?
. ?) v  @/ _4 u! L" v
You have charm, you have looks' g/ Q! p! ]' }; S' x* ]' Q# p, w
with full of pimples in face
6 M- ]) U, u0 D9 {As spotting sky at a summer night
* X% D2 K  ^. E+ N5 l! b5 \& DThey are shining stars1 Z7 Y9 O' _! g* r! I4 j/ D" q

" `3 u; I# s; @9 }8 s3 i; |) fYour lip is so big
% h! b& S& `& V1 X$ S7 ?And that’s good for a kiss: L5 H) f* Y: {  ~0 p) L; A
Your body is chubby% Q! H1 ]8 M3 }! M; W) ?! h  `6 U5 c
And that is good for sex
8 `- u* s" N# }# T& N4 E! H6 C$ f" V5 K* p+ }0 _- r" |7 H# {& M9 ?5 F$ S
I was deeply in love4 P+ N  X$ {$ J$ e
Everything from you is positive8 ?' g, X+ R2 c+ S  h. z' @* n
You blame me everything and everyday8 Q" t2 ?: `+ v+ X4 L
And I think all girls sound like  T' G! p  \) Y$ U) j
6 l9 W4 X1 p5 H$ D- A
You could not stand my eating
1 \' |9 G, h; l( _4 `Saying no good for making funny sound& X: z' w' x7 U! E. a
I think you are perfectly right8 |$ N0 j( B# P" x+ @
Eating with sound is a pig. {- G6 [5 F* W
( `3 F6 I7 |0 ^# M( t4 G2 U2 _
I fell in love with you * J* R; y7 f( Q" w) {' O3 P
Become a fool to think
5 F' D! h9 ~" h- y4 QAll trouble things you did
) K. Q$ O1 }7 I- X  i' B: y* GAnd that is the price for love7 ~; M: b; i% c2 l* Z# a( d" j

$ c( r# G3 x) ]3 Kyou are deeply in love
. \* k/ M/ {' k& q/ j5 B, eEverything from me is negative/ Y) ]/ a' u, D, \1 F' @* a
"My man should be like this,
# b1 J$ E0 J3 g7 n/ s2 p- ^3 U& Dand I am helping you to improve'
5 ^+ q9 `$ y( l, d) o4 @! d6 v+ i! [. t  s
You are loving me ' d) w8 x! f+ l! G3 N
or that one in your mind?
: h1 G$ a- H6 ]% ?My mind is like a mud6 M, u* a( W5 n) z. E' S" ]
can be shaped whatever you want
+ f8 @. ?* s8 k0 w/ b& K
8 H% \3 m) }( y2 U8 q9 lunfortunalety not my heart! _2 c6 T7 l9 n9 D3 ~
It is slashed by you 9 _0 E% H8 B, u4 u
and I am seriously hurt
0 D, V' g& ]" v
/ H( B+ F9 e- a$ [+ C$ G* eI will never love another 9 T) _6 e) W+ `* `' {, ]8 Z
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 - h6 \: h; B( ?7 N: R. Z- I( ?
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

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: S( W$ C) F0 x+ M# e9 f咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!  ?( \( {% K  z( k
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
" }& ~* g  r$ Li am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.8 s$ R$ I# {, E5 I2 m# b4 m0 J* Q6 _1 L
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
* x3 E/ g( b; G  v: J
) a9 \" N& w( [* D+ f) Y6 l7 W3 T3 xwith the charm,4 x3 c2 \! `! d7 ?. W
with the simles." [7 o5 d1 k: \0 `" o9 ^5 f4 L
I fell in love with you
2 S1 s' r7 z8 v: ?% `5 J- QIn the first sign.
. T% r4 F$ H5 GAs spotting sky at a summer
' b0 h) c7 z" w8 {+ G; f4 Q+ z# p0 e6 }: @; m. z3 d
Your lip is so soft $ X: ^+ l5 i& y, X- S+ e* o
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
- \8 u0 [4 K. b7 Y/ i# b7 l( mYour body is so sexy, Y& q, c# u: @& y5 R4 H& @
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
  D. w) \6 Q  r# l8 e
9 t# F, S# H+ \5 w1 o+ z5 X. [) hI am deeply in love1 g' a4 t, S% Y' W; v$ Q4 m( N* U
Everything from you is so charming% x( d" D. F9 q
although You r so picky for me
/ U" A1 S- i  R2 z" UAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
5 J5 J- q2 K& X$ m# z  ?But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem9 Z2 l) M3 P: @
$ ?, S+ z7 O4 q& R; F
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His hello is the end of her endings
& m$ B! ^5 l# d8 s- W' u" BHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
# _3 v  e1 B9 R7 k1 [His hand would be hers to hold forever  p) d+ S8 O% E) L% k9 J* G( k
His forever is simply as her smile 0 E2 _5 }& t( z& }! M5 Q
He said she was what was missing
, a: t7 [0 @9 }- ~She said instantly she knew; @& J% p( q+ N1 o7 q1 @
She was a question to be answered
& ~6 e% L* k6 Y+ e5 k7 BAnd his answer is # x  A* w, K, H' @) M! r
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas9 E6 q# F6 R0 L: z

/ Y8 T9 o( i% P2 b9 g5 LBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
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It's amazing how I felt ( g3 N/ q( [2 [1 \6 \/ D
when I was with you. U+ J( i/ @' B! j, H
My heart beat so fast
  P: U4 X. o0 R: K0 sI looked at you and thought
3 Q  ?# g7 E; R3 m7 ~+ THoly Jesus, you were so cute
" ~" E6 A1 q  U: w5 h  }8 [5 m( J% {
+ q( `* J; b5 J1 aYou left me without a word+ |* L* T! t  W2 H0 p
I have nothing except my emptiness+ V* f9 q4 R; m. m5 R9 q
My mood is like a cloud
1 ]3 W- ~0 c7 f, j+ H5 dHow could it be dispersed?
$ N/ J$ l9 @- P6 a8 C- G5 c5 w- E( u+ U
Feelings bite my heart " j2 N, i% |! j$ l
You are the right one I wait  u8 g  a/ M2 G0 U7 w
In the depth of my soul
1 s6 p% f9 O, k& O; R% HI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美! i6 r& O; C. H
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
. h! ^; {% F* E" D就和用中文写一次5 Q) J, ]0 g/ R4 I
阿,我爱你% O0 r  }9 e- u( l0 J# }
你让我心跳好快! w! m, O" ?8 X& Z4 a; x. q4 ]
你让我脸发热
$ x6 ^# l. W8 `9 U* I" @我爱上你的大嘴唇( v) e8 L' k0 ?
XXXXX2 c* D5 ^9 r, P3 l( P9 k; E
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?! b2 n# p3 p4 Q  \; ^

; ?7 P2 F7 }  M2 _& _! J0 W如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
$ D* E6 n9 f( \  ]& i1 _- w至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
! ]3 {5 G: A1 o2 [& N0 }$ H闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
8 \' p% f- o' E7 v你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
8 B" g) ?5 E. Y就和用中文写一次) b* F8 ~$ t! q# H$ i* |% v
阿,我爱你
* X$ s4 d6 k. ~: S7 m3 l" q$ E你让我心跳好快
0 S0 m/ T7 a- _# ]你让我脸发热
, O% s- V6 c) k# N% j我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ ]8 o/ o2 w# t" D' @XXXXX
/ [3 H5 L6 M7 D. N( j9 ~) J不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.. ^3 I7 _$ c9 ]% J( t- P
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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