我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

! o/ H' T3 I: ?% ~, s; j; ?! HI fell in love with you
3 u" u9 B# Q6 I% p. \" R6 dAt the first week we met
' L7 e+ h8 g+ V8 Y, q9 w- ]: F
8 n1 w9 i6 M% C8 l; YYou have charm, you have looks
4 \0 \: Q  G, J# |  twith full of pimples in face
& n% b4 x, U. G9 eAs spotting sky at a summer night
# j# a  P9 d9 r9 u% YThey are shining stars
+ t6 e: H6 n, d: {! @
Your lip is so big
2 Q: f" g/ `: _; _/ H  U7 Z) \7 p; xAnd that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
" T: }( K, C1 `! q  _/ J- T6 [And that is good for sex
: Y! B$ h2 w8 a; K
2 q1 J) z  O" p) q" SI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
* g1 X% D- b/ p2 E) uYou blame me everything and everyday
0 d; Y: a; u8 C7 {% jAnd I think all girls sound like

$ H& c' F: w# `7 [$ U6 vYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
8 d' V" }0 c# a7 Z- P# X! WI think you are perfectly right
: [9 j2 U- J# ^& jEating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
2 M+ U+ V, L* H( B2 i" u7 j; c' E) {/ vBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
) P2 I: _- C5 q
1 W2 _& E" K6 I' b( G* }you are deeply in love
9 m) b6 w: h  FEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
5 U7 D1 H: H$ h2 \' n. ]# S( \
You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

& Q' i' h* Q+ {. Hunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

  N/ h5 k* b% c5 \5 W. u. AI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

' ~/ J* g; p8 a1 J- [2 w咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
7 _1 N# k  ?4 l! J- ]7 s2 P不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
: E9 t7 \: z0 c+ c* Yi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

/ q3 p, i7 S2 s2 O& J( f0 Xwith the charm,
* I. W0 h, o  Owith the simles.
2 E1 N! a; A$ H! h$ ^I fell in love with you
1 R) a- F8 s+ W- s6 R& y4 P3 nIn the first sign.
  @2 v  m7 {% s9 q' ~As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
) M, _8 v* a* [9 T) w* V6 qthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
$ v9 q% o+ L; {, b8 o9 PAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
: V* F! ~% [0 T, O3 {8 U% o) T
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
! d" h: k$ a" e- X) s+ JBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

5 @! Y* j- s* h( g# `0 B
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
$ n( Z! a6 w' R* _) A9 O5 o& fHis hand would be hers to hold forever
2 Q7 Y! M0 z0 u4 U% a6 X# NHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
  X% u2 B( o9 Q, U( NShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
0 D; ?- o9 w* \$ Z6 H, @' V, v$ g1 vI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
; d6 l$ T  z- `# R( ^
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
2 y" `# O2 \7 |# O
4 l9 V) u: Q# s5 w' Z+ L6 n, c* B9 hIt's amazing how I felt
( m7 t8 O4 ^: `& Awhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
* Y8 b6 S. a/ H: g6 Y% G- p( j0 ?Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
8 Q# u+ V5 b+ d; K6 bI have nothing except my emptiness
: G$ m$ i& k5 c* s) z0 GMy mood is like a cloud
  N* T- f8 U1 j& ~3 e1 I' }How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
4 ?1 k8 A4 h1 w9 @  V' B% K阿,我爱你
& r- W# B; q0 S你让我心跳好快
5 Z2 Z, a0 Q0 c) c3 L你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
5 ^3 ?. ]) g; V& a4 T# ?不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
- o5 j: D! A0 y  Y- s, B3 f8 N
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
! C4 I# x0 n0 q$ Z至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
+ q; j9 x9 T2 I) D你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
7 Y5 T& e% X2 [! r/ l+ O0 R" E阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
* a3 h: P: ^  W4 W0 i我爱上你的大嘴唇
( I4 z) Z% ?9 W  u# h" z# N3 i4 YXXXXX
+ W' R& N* }. \$ G不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

' t( Z( ]% c  m, }6 W7 D5 m靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
0 n  c4 K4 i" @. w+ o0 S

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。