我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
* m1 }& K: A% ]7 u6 d. A5 pAt the first week we met
/ o1 N, \( q/ P" |: m/ Y7 v
4 n2 t6 _: T* d  GYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

4 m3 r8 U' p7 ?1 U( _Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
4 a8 u; ?4 S$ x8 _- |2 N" yAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
# s& r! w5 L6 ^0 wEverything from you is positive
) E: C- _$ q. _2 SYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
2 S) r- _0 s) f: GI think you are perfectly right
8 i0 i% \0 j5 dEating with sound is a pig

2 {0 n8 W, G  i' Z. C. E+ C- ?I fell in love with you
' Z& J4 w/ d* Y+ l$ m) nBecome a fool to think
All trouble things you did
0 C% a2 v# c1 X, p4 s5 R7 ^# cAnd that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
* @5 ?9 r, a6 H6 \- Lor that one in your mind?
& H9 _6 K- i( a# {! jMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
) L( O8 c! p+ U+ z4 PIt is slashed by you
; x: m. m* a3 n% o4 O  H' e' X8 ?. A- gand I am seriously hurt
' `7 b5 g5 A3 T- \: L' q
I will never love another
5 O7 }  Y! l. m3 TIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
1 L5 m7 f$ l) e/ h" ui am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
9 g3 J( K7 x1 Z! _And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
% P2 T, p. a& m2 T0 |# t
with the charm,
9 W  T4 t7 w* X6 L  a) l, Lwith the simles.
! F, @/ f6 Q5 Q. Z9 Y, Q- {I fell in love with you
) e: Q" n6 i% LIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
, @/ M3 N+ K9 H  P
Your lip is so soft
1 A( d9 b% p) n5 lthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
6 ?: C, d' ~1 {* l; c9 g. HYour body is so sexy
) C  N) f- a: u+ M- h3 dAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
* J3 }, L+ h0 _9 u1 \
9 j: l( k9 O% v2 q4 {# DI am deeply in love
3 q, B& F$ ?1 m& {+ [0 aEverything from you is so charming
3 ]$ H; w; f' D. k0 z) jalthough You r so picky for me
1 d8 I% y4 P" o5 ^. BAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
5 s$ F6 Z# o' P- @0 bBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

" O" ?7 a7 y: [: K! J/ N! a/ h: J
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
( t1 x3 k3 Y0 h( e0 p- F& h% `0 JHis hand would be hers to hold forever
. o6 Q1 ]" [! q+ S& K6 M4 GHis forever is simply as her smile
6 S1 L/ }7 |. W3 zHe said she was what was missing
) N* |; y4 u0 b3 UShe said instantly she knew
" [% W1 l$ e) K- D: FShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
- _% U& f% C9 X+ ZI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
- ]- V- j3 x: u8 l9 J- M
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

4 H" j, a2 @9 U+ HIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
4 s& M: q( V2 o/ j9 }- p" f/ HMy heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute

+ t7 W1 ]- @/ v4 O: @You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
2 _4 |6 c$ \- r  F- ]" T" QHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
3 j8 ?3 D& _& }+ K1 bYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
, R; v0 }" Q8 E7 J5 g就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
& }  T) U9 ~2 ]' o6 W) b( r- o你让我心跳好快
, c6 m* ]0 a% K# e* v! R3 z+ h你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
- m- [4 J* P' o2 m, O至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
6 @  ~5 {$ o9 S闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
9 o3 c; R! J6 D就和用中文写一次
2 Q8 m: i& q# K; `, ?4 a  l阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
% a. N5 f  G& Z7 @不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

% C9 `" h: b% J2 Q% P靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
1 c( N( N; ~6 J0 X3 v5 m2 e; i# A

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。