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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love$ k# [0 G! Q- D( U2 w) [
& c( t8 U) l- Z# {% w8 i- ^+ V
I fell in love with you ; F1 `* z0 r4 Y, ~! q
At the first week we met5 t9 Y& C4 \* }9 K  e* \9 S! ]+ }

/ W8 o8 B6 C) S$ R! r6 S& HYou have charm, you have looks! K6 c0 ^. C5 Y: B+ o2 {3 i. Q
with full of pimples in face
- g# D3 x0 Y0 q# x! d( b" }% v) ?3 hAs spotting sky at a summer night
+ x: k- Y& q* |; w1 g$ }They are shining stars/ p) g4 \9 r! ]4 A# [
7 P1 c% L  V6 V) U: N0 C
Your lip is so big* v% t6 S5 x1 x
And that’s good for a kiss
5 H5 {: k# G& k( RYour body is chubby2 @- [! k5 U! z, J8 y
And that is good for sex/ k2 Z* i) n4 i  L

% P4 K5 P; B1 Q4 B1 o  V  \I was deeply in love
2 m. g; S* w- WEverything from you is positive
( q+ R! m$ `4 \9 p, f* W- [8 HYou blame me everything and everyday
4 r, f' M, u) I3 e4 f; fAnd I think all girls sound like
" I; {# {. t; ~/ Y! j# E5 m
, z+ U+ |! y8 nYou could not stand my eating
( A; y) P4 N/ F$ U  iSaying no good for making funny sound9 J5 R! g: E; f# }  V
I think you are perfectly right, b7 ?2 L/ Y' E5 O# e) I; X' s  f# i
Eating with sound is a pig
! }' @. ?: R! x/ }% m" j+ j) M& \6 w2 m+ t: d& [% F
I fell in love with you 1 \# {- H2 e" e+ o
Become a fool to think" i/ F- ]% P- z2 e
All trouble things you did& a4 k7 e: K9 I6 Q. c* k5 S6 d  n
And that is the price for love
# {# I. G, |; p0 k3 _$ [
3 b* H5 N# W4 U& O1 u# Syou are deeply in love
7 p* e2 d" T- l  ~$ ]Everything from me is negative5 q  m/ Q/ W5 Z5 e4 R
"My man should be like this,. k: {, g5 v* g2 _( \
and I am helping you to improve'9 l- @! K* ?$ }' j

* r! {3 e' j7 d9 jYou are loving me + y0 X! e) d0 u- O% [4 r$ H9 `
or that one in your mind?: P/ A3 u6 Q2 Y5 i
My mind is like a mud  m0 L" w! n4 ^5 f8 `
can be shaped whatever you want
* a  _4 P0 T! P
7 P6 v7 N2 ^2 \4 [% Xunfortunalety not my heart
5 Y! `5 [% X' B+ k  rIt is slashed by you
4 m0 `& m( d% X0 x  Dand I am seriously hurt
4 o) v$ Y# z) t/ k9 k, V
. i1 {% z3 x6 f0 `I will never love another ' v- o+ e( n- Z5 X# z8 [8 r& v
If my heart can be fixed
大型搬家
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
3 S6 z6 F: H+ d& Cmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 X$ m3 ]% t& L) i1 f9 P& A
) ~7 ?7 m! p& \( _: ~1 k! Z8 v咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
1 Q, i. J6 m" y6 l不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, ) z# Q/ T  S& c( K
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.) h* \( O6 G! l) u
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed; g# `4 x$ S! z) ]* A) q( ^! _
+ C6 t2 d- F+ V0 r; f
with the charm,/ A! M' ]1 B! _" v. Y
with the simles.2 I8 s1 W& o3 o$ e/ p# f5 Y& `
I fell in love with you
5 Y# o+ k0 t9 oIn the first sign.
* ^: x4 Z  u* W3 V0 L( H! V6 HAs spotting sky at a summer - ^, n6 w/ H& P  q7 o, N% |

' S  m" `; D8 \6 P( }+ h0 l8 A9 X9 vYour lip is so soft * }4 x. P2 _! {% t0 d: C: i0 b
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
+ N+ G) E1 T, t/ d$ p3 |Your body is so sexy
1 `- [5 V) U- N. f& Y% f# QAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.' H; u5 w3 }- X) t! L0 M3 [

, \( w0 M0 c% O5 ^  }; SI am deeply in love
  I8 X* h" ~% t8 w6 {1 qEverything from you is so charming
% ~2 @& Y# i8 C0 J% m+ @although You r so picky for me
. U! k  m- E: R( ]$ e. xAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.8 d0 B$ x& H  I  T- Q* c9 q) _
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem5 L, S2 R& y- ^( F
3 X) M- ^/ P& d

7 j% q7 g) H- F0 @3 c$ _. wHis hello is the end of her endings' N2 z7 m! D, f- o: T8 ?/ u
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle/ r- i' d0 |; g& w
His hand would be hers to hold forever
5 u6 d" F) O$ c4 y1 P4 U' i% wHis forever is simply as her smile , Z% c6 ?+ M2 l0 t
He said she was what was missing0 @* i2 Y9 j% q8 W: p. F" H; Y
She said instantly she knew% M9 s; ^! C  n0 `6 |
She was a question to be answered
5 |2 G6 j7 d! d- J7 EAnd his answer is 7 i/ b) p  p; q2 B" ^; z
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
/ u/ Z/ b! j" P: f9 K" K( ]! B
8 j  y  R0 \4 n3 J5 M" p( Y) sBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
5 s& o0 o6 `. x+ U. D1 Z3 j5 C+ h* h  S
It's amazing how I felt " W  O( ^% E' J& t! b% x  Y; l
when I was with you
# i$ M; v$ p. h9 N! ^: C% z( IMy heart beat so fast: B$ h) e( T; j9 }8 J- x
I looked at you and thought: [, I1 N9 u, \+ P) z
Holy Jesus, you were so cute$ m0 Z7 O4 L% I  s; ^5 K* U

0 ]2 u1 r: b  {6 a  d% w  r0 o) @You left me without a word9 [# d* t' \: s7 u% X! I
I have nothing except my emptiness3 O" |' {6 I. v1 S7 k. K9 o
My mood is like a cloud
/ W! J. ~- Q1 A$ ~  tHow could it be dispersed?
. _5 C' q6 p. X1 T* y
$ |9 r+ s( D, gFeelings bite my heart . [; I2 O4 c0 J9 c) Q
You are the right one I wait4 {2 P% u: X6 x7 Y! i; |
In the depth of my soul
0 n3 S# f. k. W) A4 VI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
! \: d9 \8 k. q; |# z2 k你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% V- m' c; z* _1 V. p! ~
就和用中文写一次- c& c' @) U2 b+ G2 \: R2 ?
阿,我爱你1 d( |+ J! }% S0 T
你让我心跳好快
* w. Z6 h2 ?5 V3 [- s8 H你让我脸发热
7 P) o3 j! d2 f' r我爱上你的大嘴唇( |4 n9 d8 h( s& F
XXXXX
8 A1 V- l6 f" K* p0 F; w不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
# o$ [' ]% E/ [( T4 [. y
' m$ _0 U6 ?4 V& T- G: _如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER, f; b& z+ T: k; I# P
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 - m9 p4 {+ W- B  s  O0 ]! ^" d
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
  v7 m% ^( ]7 @, B你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道! q$ {" o' R5 J1 B) p
就和用中文写一次
2 b, J6 T) A' q阿,我爱你* q7 u$ x+ W* M- }; O2 _$ g; C
你让我心跳好快$ |0 t- M8 Z! W% h7 d
你让我脸发热% L; p4 D2 ^1 {4 E9 a4 G/ E# t
我爱上你的大嘴唇* S9 n  p+ v% P6 E  x# L2 b: t
XXXXX# \! F# _8 J1 z$ i, V) ~" p
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
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% f0 D/ h: V- u1 ^' z. \' q, F+ z
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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