我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
% I8 Z1 t0 E! _1 A, t4 ]/ N7 i' j
I fell in love with you
; ]3 C4 A+ R4 Y2 o5 {5 {At the first week we met
" K: r1 x+ \; Q( F8 z
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
As spotting sky at a summer night
They are shining stars

Your lip is so big
3 k( W: a. z( O5 @% zAnd that’s good for a kiss
) b) L* [# J! L5 c  W. w' ]& iYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
8 i' I$ i0 Q8 e% A2 e' u
& {8 v' D; H% v7 s3 F) S6 v: SI was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
7 b% x2 u& ]8 B% J! xYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

You could not stand my eating
% t# A" Z) b! E' d2 E$ f+ NSaying no good for making funny sound
/ G7 Z; }# v" R# ?" ^I think you are perfectly right
& @) m  s6 v4 v- X( S! `: mEating with sound is a pig
8 d$ I: @, k7 e" {6 ?
. }5 j- Z$ @2 T) T9 g8 AI fell in love with you
6 w. L! t, Q$ S  B0 rBecome a fool to think
7 F) [" ]4 d% N& l4 ~8 z! ^All trouble things you did
, B& x+ D- L  {: Q. {2 i/ jAnd that is the price for love
7 V( \+ G6 w1 O, C
; a6 e; a6 O: D8 h$ `you are deeply in love
  `; l' T  K5 ^6 ~Everything from me is negative
7 V6 Z9 R' {1 U9 _* o"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

" C: \# ]8 C5 U* PYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
* O1 o* k; ^' ]5 s+ P: ^& oMy mind is like a mud
: X6 }6 ]+ p# Jcan be shaped whatever you want
4 E8 q/ `. L7 G* `4 d& E
2 d6 |- S' d$ N# A$ M9 munfortunalety not my heart
% l3 U% Q  {+ U  X, n, o3 {$ KIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
1 u6 _1 d0 U( k3 E/ N3 @) l/ Jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

2 {7 q& j1 ~, B3 J0 d1 A9 }咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
; N- ^( s8 H- O" D不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

0 \8 y  r' n5 P2 L5 fwith the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
, J& P- M$ {# m) r! @# ?there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
  G: F( c+ j. z( pAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
" e- x, m* e6 ~
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
5 ?; t# w1 B1 ]0 uAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
4 g. ^& a+ B, t  E9 _. T, ^9 K! J

% w3 F. t+ J7 [/ n2 w" gHis hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
- c- E9 i1 n( J$ t- m) o! aHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
0 q& J0 V3 Y+ b8 \! Q. s/ H0 ]She said instantly she knew
1 N' ~; Q8 P8 j# l) r' PShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
! ~9 C9 S9 n& e9 \2 B" A, E
Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
$ \; h# ^; t! U5 K
) N+ n7 [! x$ u% q# x0 s/ z/ YIt's amazing how I felt
: l% }& Z" \3 N* Cwhen I was with you
" g  u0 v# J# C" y  D- @$ A3 kMy heart beat so fast
6 I% {$ ?: Q& N8 Z+ c/ o+ ]I looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
( |) Y  u$ M+ A0 ?" f: [( P3 v, H' @
You left me without a word
0 r+ G8 m1 D# t+ k4 Z; [I have nothing except my emptiness
. d+ w( G2 s0 u0 nMy mood is like a cloud
4 z; s6 Q2 [, Y, oHow could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" v( A1 K5 T+ _; n' b你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
; R: _1 C8 y9 Z5 _$ `就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
1 s0 [$ }% w1 o你让我心跳好快
: c; q9 u" I& ?2 n+ y( Z% Z你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

1 p9 i0 q5 y: ~3 X0 B' f如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
, x# V+ ]3 y0 a1 v' q: y4 G闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
- o+ E' W- v- d1 j+ F/ o8 y0 ]就和用中文写一次
6 x# S& G7 w) `3 g1 t$ U, ?8 R& V阿,我爱你
9 @2 P/ D9 m/ a' h, [你让我心跳好快
! e1 }, ?7 D7 Z4 }6 S% j; T你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
$ C; f5 l" |" Q) w: b不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

1 j, H5 t" w/ ^
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。