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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love5 e. i- Q% ~; @  n

, o: q6 _- a. }3 _I fell in love with you 5 h- r) k3 ^( O: Q8 ?6 U) Z0 ?
At the first week we met
$ N0 T, k# E$ h2 ^3 i) c- P$ U, z+ P2 b$ W" h$ P6 J
You have charm, you have looks( A8 K2 ~* J- N
with full of pimples in face
2 {" D1 g& q4 {8 yAs spotting sky at a summer night: e( B, v0 n3 C4 A$ f
They are shining stars
9 v5 N0 S2 x$ D" E* g1 G9 P& P  F% I; D/ m! x  X
Your lip is so big
! u2 F9 ]8 I% Q. L! n* O' tAnd that’s good for a kiss4 w7 B+ f  L" Q7 u
Your body is chubby8 _+ v/ ]+ I6 H* g- Q) r' Y
And that is good for sex
( W- ^) f& j. K3 N3 J- p! n+ _% B& r  _9 b& a
I was deeply in love
3 }& d) ]$ O9 I' D" o' F/ `% lEverything from you is positive/ }& n) _7 K/ r& s2 Q
You blame me everything and everyday7 e$ U& m! X4 y* E: ]. S  ]
And I think all girls sound like8 ?$ a) e, Z, |' [& q. y
  i/ ~5 z  T! h/ e$ f4 i
You could not stand my eating
# n+ y3 Y- v  C9 u' JSaying no good for making funny sound
7 y, k! f$ X2 F, G- GI think you are perfectly right7 n" V$ c( U& k0 i
Eating with sound is a pig
# L: I" Y+ @) b) t, c! {8 b- H1 @2 c0 W) A5 Q& ^
I fell in love with you
6 m* \. u  H$ L" m& vBecome a fool to think7 L6 I& J* d; ?, r
All trouble things you did
" }# ?. @2 Y# ]5 NAnd that is the price for love' r/ [$ n6 Y# M! Q
( \& G) X0 \0 k2 h6 \, s! o+ C
you are deeply in love
8 V+ O3 B7 p: i! l9 f( dEverything from me is negative
8 u: C5 H1 H, d3 {4 J4 n"My man should be like this,
9 X* J& K# a+ Q, W' j) Q5 \, g$ Jand I am helping you to improve'
' i; F/ s' ^7 g8 L+ O- C$ z3 q/ ^0 [5 W& z, o# u5 u2 \
You are loving me 2 {* A8 R) Q1 Q( F1 z
or that one in your mind?3 g: y6 K$ O3 k! }( }
My mind is like a mud
5 |# J' C  Z+ d% |3 Z' ycan be shaped whatever you want$ ~* I+ b& t  i4 P0 T

$ c+ G% E$ a* v; V9 eunfortunalety not my heart
7 r  g6 x: N( d) k$ ?0 y% s" p" jIt is slashed by you $ Q/ N* z# B6 C
and I am seriously hurt
4 g5 t; x0 [- k, l2 ^
! j( @; m! ?1 a  p9 NI will never love another & Q7 {0 ~2 y. }! B# e, ]
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 1 o# _, V# |3 h' K' W/ G: |
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

# ?) s# V1 c0 X; o  I5 L$ F' r" G0 m3 Z/ l: t
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
大型搬家
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
" a4 L. e1 G) R' O5 `, V  R) x不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, - ^( B3 C7 x7 V0 ~* l4 N2 ?
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
4 D8 m3 Z! W2 T  ZAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
6 |' P  Q- L. e0 t# a! e1 h' u, `' j) s) t+ _
with the charm,
+ p$ G$ v# X+ Iwith the simles.
$ h9 c$ m0 ^% a% J# sI fell in love with you
- j8 @( _5 R( j) e& iIn the first sign.
8 y! z( S( o) K, ?8 v" JAs spotting sky at a summer
  ?8 T7 m* X1 `8 m- v9 B6 j. Q9 p6 x) s( c4 H/ H- s
Your lip is so soft : w2 R: z3 l  w5 a9 \
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
7 \& R$ G; M; ~8 DYour body is so sexy3 L; X: h. x8 }* _: I5 F
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
1 C& N$ k0 Q7 M
' o5 ]( X1 n- G: y. E& _0 K  Z( @: GI am deeply in love
$ S! J! ]( G" v1 E% X0 G2 fEverything from you is so charming
! b6 A0 E8 n( {4 {' z$ Q6 R0 zalthough You r so picky for me : l/ [4 M  f5 Q- t& M
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.' f+ K( m) b6 u" B9 x9 X6 A
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
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/ b" V! h: g3 \8 E4 d) B. vHis hello is the end of her endings8 {) b) B  M' a2 d& \
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle: l/ d+ n1 M/ C0 I/ h$ _6 w) |
His hand would be hers to hold forever
5 [; \) R& ], G! _& _' @, j7 p: {His forever is simply as her smile $ y9 C/ f3 @  P9 N
He said she was what was missing
/ E) p( e  i' p$ u% GShe said instantly she knew
1 v( r  n9 M& Q2 C; ]9 Z! fShe was a question to be answered) V* r2 \0 Y8 I2 g% |' P, A
And his answer is 5 m+ ]' M# W  U! i) n( Z, ~4 |+ q1 i
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt0 ~. ?- V" J( `

+ S. E7 ~  h; IIt's amazing how I felt 3 D3 f. G" Z+ f
when I was with you
$ v$ I% j) f- g1 M8 r# N: zMy heart beat so fast& V) k# ]( G6 ?$ K4 \/ q* V
I looked at you and thought
0 Z- Z* S1 N% ?/ L0 f, R( h+ {Holy Jesus, you were so cute
3 [: l$ R0 h4 H$ b2 n$ t9 G- ?; i4 @0 k: Z
You left me without a word8 Z. k. V+ r1 [9 V
I have nothing except my emptiness
  u* M, V; j' iMy mood is like a cloud
1 M- ]% v3 S$ h- t- p$ eHow could it be dispersed?
$ z' P! F  i1 E# Y" b5 @( R1 G  L( l  v0 T) p- V
Feelings bite my heart
' W2 k+ v# p, l. I0 }You are the right one I wait
/ ^5 l  c( F, \1 YIn the depth of my soul& c% H+ \2 E. g
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美7 w2 V" e" x% a3 }2 K: R1 F
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道, B9 M( i7 w: w* r+ U3 @7 D
就和用中文写一次
5 P/ [& ]2 ~! t! E3 Z阿,我爱你
# C; a; _4 A- r8 ]你让我心跳好快
7 |  c0 N, c1 _# b0 k7 Z你让我脸发热
2 e9 t6 ]9 W! |3 _* V, R( ~5 X& K我爱上你的大嘴唇6 q! H: N6 `6 P: t9 N
XXXXX, I* P: k% F) z1 u, @
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
; b4 m$ c3 f$ ]) {7 M) w7 f' _8 O+ s* j. k1 k* k2 j# l8 Z- M
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER+ Q% t% L4 S/ N' a. b3 U5 ]+ _( h
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
5 {$ A+ F- {4 i闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* d: s) A6 E8 S$ L1 P7 g# l
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
) \. V/ ], g/ x1 E就和用中文写一次
1 O$ D9 x8 o: k9 V9 m- _" a阿,我爱你
' L) k% J+ c  u% S! E你让我心跳好快8 J' r5 s6 w- y' Q
你让我脸发热
5 r9 X7 ]% Y- w% P我爱上你的大嘴唇# h4 t) _/ `( f. O
XXXXX5 `6 m& ~- z4 G, F# F: G  ]* V4 p4 p) y
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

& K6 ?. A1 H4 M" r  ?( F: [, h# @* r( A+ O6 H5 {% q8 w3 V4 F1 q
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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