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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love( P5 T" y# K1 |; C: a0 H; K
! X! A! B- z6 U- n1 L" D
I fell in love with you 1 n' U- k" ?" A; H
At the first week we met
( k" Z* e, {" K9 Q8 J# E3 l  p2 i" X. E% J; K) J8 y
You have charm, you have looks
; A* P- d5 s0 K+ @4 K# H; g# zwith full of pimples in face2 R0 B1 u% G7 J) n3 |" L
As spotting sky at a summer night4 g! I  u# C3 x: w. D/ k' C
They are shining stars
2 y& s# g+ F# d9 v0 p/ o  a. I- [
0 T" m9 ^: y2 Y/ z% B; qYour lip is so big
4 n, C; X  \6 d8 ~% [And that’s good for a kiss
8 A6 R1 E+ Z" _6 {* OYour body is chubby0 V( b7 Q) @2 ]5 N5 [
And that is good for sex5 o1 z3 }- S% [3 [8 i
; a- K+ {- ?" H/ M* L2 D
I was deeply in love
- f8 s4 R5 O" a2 r3 u5 wEverything from you is positive2 g! \: ?- T! u
You blame me everything and everyday
* y3 M" ]3 M2 JAnd I think all girls sound like. c* Y/ V0 a$ A

1 G# z' [4 p  p" bYou could not stand my eating
5 _- I/ d2 j' e0 QSaying no good for making funny sound" J. K: V2 A9 O9 ?5 t
I think you are perfectly right
- I! ?+ h9 d/ Q4 j# |Eating with sound is a pig
* O2 E. u( `9 Q% U- h, T0 |3 o- c- j. z" @
I fell in love with you 6 D4 K3 w* L; L( G# i& y
Become a fool to think; I# c( ~' \- B
All trouble things you did
. w3 ?+ m/ u2 u4 v. @* `8 a  o! g4 S6 UAnd that is the price for love6 x2 z8 b0 N+ N+ a$ T

; N& C0 r7 v, ?# u' j1 b! fyou are deeply in love
6 x0 p: @( n) h% d# e5 |6 m' ]Everything from me is negative
# f# |# ]' `- @2 r8 }: E9 S"My man should be like this,5 i. Z5 Q0 H2 Y, x
and I am helping you to improve'  C( L7 c5 g+ x) C/ ^9 z& {

2 d2 ]* `. Q) G$ l& ^You are loving me
- t; h4 g4 Z7 [# n( _  |or that one in your mind?
7 i) x, {  r5 T2 C3 f$ i0 a' BMy mind is like a mud$ l; y- ^' M. p/ p" S5 O, Y
can be shaped whatever you want! g  F2 t% f8 n  |7 h6 A! W
: g# H! T; ?6 H- h6 U- L* I3 e
unfortunalety not my heart6 _5 D' o, l2 _8 @7 w1 v
It is slashed by you ; f, A, W' y9 S0 Z
and I am seriously hurt
' Z) p* H5 [/ t2 [, ~% G8 g. A2 ]' {8 Z- l2 _
I will never love another 3 B& {7 H* @3 \6 M$ M
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 + u+ n! M: a6 X/ I$ Y: B5 G- @! v1 p
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

! p' ~- Y9 V# _9 n  H" H+ B' c) x3 `+ @* f! y( i0 h- G) R
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!5 ~( C- c! s7 ^. S) V, U
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
) B0 _- B6 T; A8 A$ gi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; {. S* ^) S4 J6 G7 U1 e  I- aAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
( J# G8 b' Y. ~. q# H- ]& Y$ G8 @' _6 o+ F9 R$ t5 r, n
with the charm,( k7 O6 `+ n2 c6 n7 C% n6 R
with the simles./ i8 F8 ]8 P6 f0 u- H
I fell in love with you
( S) @* z: d, ~' l& w6 AIn the first sign.$ Z/ L7 f) N, C2 E: a
As spotting sky at a summer 1 |9 K1 j6 K( i: g

; @: c- W+ {% v* c& t  jYour lip is so soft " ~' c3 k) [+ u& V1 z% `
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss. Z9 T; y( I7 p
Your body is so sexy* ~+ v# q' n! t( [! Q0 [
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.' z: |! c& d# r$ T3 w0 e% \
6 ~9 E/ {' s+ A9 E2 ^3 h# K
I am deeply in love  B9 @* t, o7 O" Y# ?
Everything from you is so charming0 I* d( f4 K+ I$ K+ H, h
although You r so picky for me
$ w* J; t- i: [! g5 @, U/ sAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.2 J' O' S/ x, T+ r# g8 q' ]3 q. B
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
: B5 s1 O. O  E  B5 a0 A% D6 R1 [

. ^2 p% B6 g, ]  y2 F1 UHis hello is the end of her endings/ E: y) M& z: `. G: h$ Y( C
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
* D/ s# B! |" b8 K. z  @3 hHis hand would be hers to hold forever
! t7 C' V3 ~6 ]& ?' ]  Q% B1 X8 GHis forever is simply as her smile
; U$ k* v% n+ E, rHe said she was what was missing- O7 f4 t+ b3 r% I  u6 y( N2 C# \
She said instantly she knew" n' B# m1 d$ O( _7 D/ ^
She was a question to be answered
+ Q# \7 ?8 z! o* R* PAnd his answer is $ r# x% Y& q! y/ ?4 p1 E6 U9 X) E6 v
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas0 |; ?. ~6 q4 |; `0 `! O
: n" j1 s( a  b: q( a; f! X2 `
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt( D- s+ {% m  w+ V

6 A% ~8 x! x7 f4 c/ a; U! }It's amazing how I felt
. _) K6 I5 N* Rwhen I was with you7 F; v0 s; B- R* `9 u) y
My heart beat so fast6 Z! h0 D' k, e7 ]1 @( y5 a
I looked at you and thought" E: \7 B8 l: ~/ [4 }
Holy Jesus, you were so cute& P9 h0 p# x$ J* T4 [( _# ]1 l
$ N4 t5 K- `3 P
You left me without a word
# l- J1 t, I4 a2 _+ V+ _! i* }I have nothing except my emptiness
4 o! }" I2 v% E" @4 RMy mood is like a cloud
) h" t0 h/ B) }: l. e! K- aHow could it be dispersed?( H4 x7 L+ C. H# s2 I

8 S: b* ]: R* pFeelings bite my heart
) Z+ C: M9 D4 |$ EYou are the right one I wait/ H7 O7 s5 v' Z' u. T3 e
In the depth of my soul
! ^: s$ q( J3 j3 [: SI will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" n% @5 o% s- c( \
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道9 ?' U; a  {4 R; ]5 \1 S% ^, R
就和用中文写一次
( }! a! G2 e0 Q; G  y, Z阿,我爱你2 H, ^5 p9 u5 D, H, p; S
你让我心跳好快
4 n3 N. K4 D# ~+ P" X9 F7 j" Y' O你让我脸发热# x2 k6 p+ v5 n% A
我爱上你的大嘴唇2 r" k' C0 X7 f( S+ x
XXXXX
* f" M7 N2 v. d$ e不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
, B2 P; l- J- |: ]2 y# F
8 l+ ?5 r4 e  }- m9 {' O, {& `% E如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER7 v4 |! t6 ^1 v$ U
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
理袁律师事务所
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
+ O9 Y( D9 L; W3 ?$ L0 n- K1 n闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美* n) U- |. Z1 s5 k' {- c4 R- h
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道3 v9 ~" Z2 k' n3 t3 g- M" S+ N7 p' S
就和用中文写一次
6 A5 [$ ~* w5 h- k2 Z4 J, w阿,我爱你
* _  G/ t  s/ A+ t6 o- ?7 Z你让我心跳好快  g8 Y& n  ~4 C, g. T
你让我脸发热  P) I$ U0 |* b1 O2 o
我爱上你的大嘴唇
- V% y2 t2 G. z0 i& ZXXXXX
8 x- ^1 Y- M# r$ U不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
9 H# _( Y& }# `% o1 _
! i6 @4 N* o& K. ?
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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