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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
7 B7 |, @4 p- }8 _
  y8 n+ C# p( q* lI fell in love with you / _6 g) J. _3 z0 ]$ R7 z' D" R
At the first week we met
+ ~$ ^7 T0 _  K7 E# f8 c) m) I) c' D3 E" Y% J2 `+ o- ?
You have charm, you have looks
! {' w, q/ }' I0 C  Uwith full of pimples in face
0 G. e* H$ t9 }) O2 `As spotting sky at a summer night
3 ?/ F" b; P( G6 K" P4 u# O* bThey are shining stars6 u, a' [- D; I4 Z9 C) H
! ~2 l( t8 ?  J  g
Your lip is so big/ U; Y8 t* V/ _0 t# _
And that’s good for a kiss. Y4 w1 N- e4 X* U
Your body is chubby
# Z9 q7 |8 s7 F/ r' z& ~$ gAnd that is good for sex2 Z& _- a: X8 V/ C7 {; G
" f( `6 r2 c. F  N, V: B$ r% I
I was deeply in love" S* Q: A  I4 x. x2 X; w
Everything from you is positive
# q, n6 E5 J. ~, ZYou blame me everything and everyday
) y- R& F; e" Y! h4 TAnd I think all girls sound like
/ j) Y6 I- G4 P1 Y* S# u! t
& |2 L7 W" D5 P) ~3 n3 U5 u! sYou could not stand my eating
+ j4 s* p9 \/ J7 b. ^1 ~: aSaying no good for making funny sound5 q% S) F3 [/ H  \- ^& d) i
I think you are perfectly right
( e% N! y# i4 v: {( nEating with sound is a pig
8 Q  a$ G5 Q, C$ k' m$ ~+ g2 i( v
5 y6 p: }0 M& k3 cI fell in love with you
( k' v8 \% I  r8 D. N7 EBecome a fool to think
. j% R7 [7 m( P8 CAll trouble things you did
; x! ^5 B0 W. h( M2 X: AAnd that is the price for love
& H& V4 o& e1 R7 k9 Z; W- q9 R  U  L! o1 g3 z3 A* q5 P, G8 `' `
you are deeply in love$ L* S1 f0 k  k. J8 ^0 @" l
Everything from me is negative) W% G0 O$ O1 E8 O
"My man should be like this,, u' b/ O$ b  Y) R
and I am helping you to improve'9 \! N, A; O, Z; q$ ?

+ ?( @8 g% b! C0 C# f1 H4 a3 G( bYou are loving me
7 ^, v& a& K8 t* A, ?' d- x$ r( aor that one in your mind?
! [' H! J' ]% H3 vMy mind is like a mud" h, Y! X% ^% @4 X5 X
can be shaped whatever you want
/ K/ Y0 P7 P; s& G+ W) T- N3 p4 g" o' V: z. b, k$ {+ I
unfortunalety not my heart
- h# o4 Q+ _1 U0 vIt is slashed by you . Z/ F. z. O# h' L" j5 v: b8 t
and I am seriously hurt
% g$ |7 w- ?2 i# b5 b' I5 [( {, a5 s
I will never love another
2 Y- d, c; f2 o+ G  zIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
, K# ]3 y$ r: {* jmy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
$ u  r0 Q0 E( e; Y$ ^3 ]% j
; o" m2 P- G; f$ b2 n
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!( q* `5 [8 \6 C( l4 N
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, , z  z3 A* G) d; r
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
$ o( ?7 o, ^8 e7 T" c+ bAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
7 G1 I& C' @6 R$ Q) k
# O: }2 m1 G* \with the charm,
( j! g" S' i' g) O" }3 {with the simles.
# b7 y: m# Y! m4 X( fI fell in love with you ( u, [% T3 V8 S
In the first sign.( i5 p+ M( Q. `2 O
As spotting sky at a summer : b/ ?/ B/ N8 g0 g$ U. S" W

5 c+ C5 i  {( Z7 h8 Z9 X7 U6 [Your lip is so soft 4 C- T* W/ Y7 G
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss8 J" Q7 ?* c. @+ e
Your body is so sexy& f: `* b* \/ ]/ P
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.% U  s& |& ^9 \+ ~9 O- f/ u; Y
/ R& Y) t( u0 T4 F. x
I am deeply in love- J3 I; V7 h# {* _7 h# {$ f1 e
Everything from you is so charming
0 ^: n' V4 O- S$ q% \* S" U. Walthough You r so picky for me
* b4 c4 j' e4 m" d1 d( Z9 _  zAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.# h1 v2 Y9 h9 J8 v. Z/ k- ]) Q
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem/ \# r( N: G9 H1 [$ {* ]9 V

7 G' N9 p( j7 J, S' ], ~7 k( e: J' u& l1 s5 G. @4 u2 x- Y0 o
His hello is the end of her endings
& H0 N2 E$ o4 AHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle, `. B  ^) K1 `5 t# i" g
His hand would be hers to hold forever
8 T0 d" v' }+ e5 ZHis forever is simply as her smile
1 m" n- v& k8 }0 [; f. \He said she was what was missing  T! I$ ~4 }! R0 R3 W, Z  b
She said instantly she knew
& z4 r7 ~" S5 g9 Q2 LShe was a question to be answered5 n  I+ B9 s/ G9 Y
And his answer is " r$ ~& v1 p6 z
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas5 B6 @. e  W# t  D) S7 H1 j0 a

6 R4 I3 j/ e; _2 \: ABelow is my new one, any comment?
大型搬家
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
9 G, n3 h' x& T& d/ p0 R; ~$ T9 A( H/ k8 j; n% B
It's amazing how I felt
* L& q5 v/ ]& X, l! @% kwhen I was with you+ C; \, G" r9 x& }! J: n: y* C: ]& _* ~
My heart beat so fast
$ a/ C* c& d* y% f7 l- ?' II looked at you and thought5 l4 v9 p$ H% D& z& N9 M
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
/ l! F, l% x3 W) b! g) h) D
* S& X6 [) l: [' ]0 V/ ?" LYou left me without a word
! C3 z3 }0 y1 S7 d2 C! i" |  iI have nothing except my emptiness2 A2 k# I% ^" g
My mood is like a cloud+ e9 D7 V0 F1 ?8 ~$ m
How could it be dispersed?8 k* k2 {. A. N3 a6 z

+ Z+ U4 D8 E, ]  ]8 ?2 SFeelings bite my heart
. b1 c& }: P" L3 L: q- uYou are the right one I wait
7 X, n2 D% b; j. HIn the depth of my soul
! a9 f2 _! h+ L, II will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ w4 U0 e% _5 U8 i: l0 J1 n9 w" d. m你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道! e+ i3 R  c0 d2 \1 ?2 q: {$ f) B
就和用中文写一次
' j$ ]4 {2 B4 G: h! O6 a( C+ C阿,我爱你6 N3 y' Z- w) Q
你让我心跳好快
: u* F+ x3 d# y" q0 f你让我脸发热
4 i. W0 W, |) C9 {& G我爱上你的大嘴唇' U% ]# R% k' t9 a; I8 c( V
XXXXX- C4 q& X+ p, J( q5 I
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?5 C/ Y9 p( m0 q  _" ?9 u
* }6 n/ ?" G3 V$ D6 q
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
$ C& b% B, z- c/ @至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
: O1 S+ T+ V; H  \$ T闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美. {6 g0 D/ K' _+ C
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! a4 q- f. Y' ]+ G就和用中文写一次
" n* F3 P3 k7 q: `阿,我爱你
5 y7 c5 b; T/ A( J" i7 L" y4 S你让我心跳好快
- T% H3 g; d  _, t8 r6 |你让我脸发热
) M3 x1 N: f2 _6 d. @" h我爱上你的大嘴唇3 F4 @) G% u9 e* a8 x9 Q& e8 t
XXXXX
& m6 F+ C. e; k3 |; c不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

( Y; D! V3 ~4 G  c# q- l
  `6 U0 `5 O+ N0 }* t# v2 P+ _靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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