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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love3 |; |3 ?; Z+ ^0 {) W. Y

2 r  g" Z" _6 iI fell in love with you ) c; d. K( z0 H. I' o
At the first week we met* a+ q% `. J* G5 G
3 Y) Y& q6 L7 A% |5 `3 a
You have charm, you have looks, n' X% s! Q& K& n; _: V9 p
with full of pimples in face# V4 R8 O- ^3 T  U* x" {
As spotting sky at a summer night
! T: p, d( F/ q4 e: i0 Z* NThey are shining stars: w1 f3 o( |+ N$ G4 H8 w+ u3 n
6 L( H( }% |$ Q, N5 F3 p1 g
Your lip is so big( K0 ^  A: F* l( Q6 M* r4 Z
And that’s good for a kiss% N# x/ S! o: n5 o5 R
Your body is chubby$ ?( w  A; [! ~1 v6 @9 I. ~% T( d
And that is good for sex
/ x4 Z$ D$ L. O; r# S* \0 O# Y, ?/ J7 I
I was deeply in love
) X7 A1 L4 T8 N8 R! V9 u. C2 oEverything from you is positive$ b2 V0 m) J2 j+ A
You blame me everything and everyday
& e+ `% p. ~" D) W$ YAnd I think all girls sound like+ v7 }: u& `( Q4 r* @8 e' ~  D
$ ^5 u+ l& t3 q& T( [9 O5 J
You could not stand my eating
/ P3 o# i7 ~6 G. kSaying no good for making funny sound9 P. N. T7 C; _$ W
I think you are perfectly right5 X  o- w* ?( x8 h( O, O
Eating with sound is a pig: f) U. R, B$ ?3 m: u: b
' V5 E2 Z2 B+ E9 n9 s+ [6 }* T
I fell in love with you 2 Q  d* D. Y) F( _! U
Become a fool to think: [, Q) Z# w& T) {3 r9 f/ G9 W
All trouble things you did+ o2 h" j. G* S; J3 g
And that is the price for love
- T. v7 y  F$ C( g
8 G0 V  h2 G8 j* Y1 ]5 z; b' kyou are deeply in love
- t: A4 ]* g5 U3 w2 VEverything from me is negative
( H& W2 y! Z9 O1 F"My man should be like this,: ~6 h5 O8 h+ @3 m3 s& @& X
and I am helping you to improve'/ b  L5 `2 X  k3 x
6 m: b) \5 J5 L( U$ I
You are loving me
; r& G6 e/ L2 u7 {1 Gor that one in your mind?
) r. r+ H6 t* Z5 T! z, a5 |My mind is like a mud
: n+ x. V! i8 m1 W* b" Jcan be shaped whatever you want
' H  y% E3 Z6 y% Z/ q% [$ O
4 I9 ~9 J8 V& P, }! aunfortunalety not my heart
5 S2 ^- m) L. WIt is slashed by you 7 W' c9 m: A/ J' l3 k$ g
and I am seriously hurt9 M: N7 D/ _( k
$ [/ G; o# X9 f; L' X2 Q
I will never love another
1 [" N7 [9 C: l' p1 `If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 6 m  |! T$ b: b5 Z
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

. z/ o4 N4 Z- y0 Z
: K4 ~$ W' ]- @4 g% a咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
大型搬家
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!* Y% a$ e/ q5 H6 W- x/ u
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite, 0 L: ?7 P# j; Y" u3 s% F, {0 O9 g- C
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
6 A, G  R8 [3 _# h: a# c! qAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed! n! F' M  {/ H) M9 H: g  ]

' ~1 W* B# J3 }$ Uwith the charm,% w; {9 {& v0 e  t- A3 A
with the simles.
1 M6 k; B, S9 ]! N/ d0 k/ mI fell in love with you
0 r3 R! |. Z2 I; j8 oIn the first sign.
& v( N% k: H+ Q, N* S, ~$ _As spotting sky at a summer
1 `( Q/ b4 S1 d
# g: D! K1 \) W' l3 _% eYour lip is so soft
% T4 ^/ g. X. e* Jthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
6 d' I2 _/ j# k. U* X8 w" _Your body is so sexy/ z! |; H( ]- c" }
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
: g! J9 _0 k9 ~$ X- }/ t8 e" ~2 ]0 a/ [! {
I am deeply in love3 F5 U6 y/ {( z/ B' W$ D: J
Everything from you is so charming
# |$ v7 n9 m  S! K. r, Balthough You r so picky for me ; ~5 A) b/ _) I5 E& }- d& h/ ]
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.5 ~0 g" y) C( N5 y& F! t
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem4 ^2 Y" j0 V+ o; e9 r8 E

" M# [0 n# C1 W4 G5 a4 ^) V6 v! }6 G# D( S/ F
His hello is the end of her endings  H9 {& |. G" X( {
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle: \  a9 w/ C( G1 E
His hand would be hers to hold forever
) t* X0 Z+ h$ cHis forever is simply as her smile ( }4 j4 X; h- _8 d/ Q: l: ~
He said she was what was missing
( {' N" ^9 J' zShe said instantly she knew4 i+ r8 d, Z  ~/ q4 M5 {  a
She was a question to be answered+ C2 ?; U; \) K( g5 D1 u. G) u5 x: B
And his answer is 7 q. o4 o6 E! Z$ y- A
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
: j4 r8 n3 _/ Z/ `2 y
4 A2 ?6 c  s5 CBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
) l7 M: K6 w6 a1 G
9 Y+ R4 w% B# m5 }It's amazing how I felt
- g+ b5 Z% v1 q) U6 S! s) zwhen I was with you
9 Q7 r3 g, w5 d# H5 F% |My heart beat so fast2 n  ]5 }6 Y% ?0 e0 _
I looked at you and thought' P% o. S  J' f& L
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
- s1 W# X. X9 N% \, i; ]
/ n* M+ {6 ^. g; \You left me without a word
& x8 i  t4 O7 P$ H+ \I have nothing except my emptiness
. F. n+ s  n# v, A8 dMy mood is like a cloud- O5 k) B, E! z2 n/ H0 y
How could it be dispersed?
* L" o7 Q' X" p4 n6 ~/ ?
* Y1 j5 r) p  K& z+ BFeelings bite my heart
2 }; @7 s+ S. F, H* J& lYou are the right one I wait
$ J: j& @+ U, L6 W6 QIn the depth of my soul( D3 Y8 z# U+ L
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
7 O& C7 d1 ?# A- N# ^$ V+ M1 G你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
5 a" l& {; s% b" E  z- T7 D就和用中文写一次
) [3 h9 u/ w4 V/ Q0 Y! i阿,我爱你
$ H3 j  Z: f2 m你让我心跳好快
4 G1 |1 I8 T4 o: i+ z你让我脸发热$ G: @! C  `  ~0 n# L! O) S* J
我爱上你的大嘴唇% e5 j; Y! v0 \( Y8 e
XXXXX/ ]$ j2 C: @% s# p
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
0 q& z. `  l  k# c+ H
$ J/ n' o2 j7 z- |% F- ~如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER# w: s9 w7 U# F( b
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 . w' G3 R8 D5 Y9 x; [: k. _6 J- a
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美" w" i8 v' `( ]
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道; y2 K6 A( i7 z( |: c/ y8 \7 `+ e8 t
就和用中文写一次
( ?0 |3 V: m! T" x' c! z阿,我爱你
  N8 c+ i- I2 h& Q1 M) v你让我心跳好快9 C6 l9 G. X- a* @
你让我脸发热. P) E7 z, q9 H% v" }
我爱上你的大嘴唇2 Y  v; ]4 t+ l6 J5 y4 L% X( X& ]
XXXXX( H% a7 p8 [6 p0 f' |
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
8 P3 o6 f" u; Z3 T8 ~
; _; g( y+ }4 {  z. x6 d( N
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.& r7 e9 h2 ^& ~& G/ b3 U) \
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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