我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
& E- T' R& x' y1 X" j
4 k; M  M  e0 L7 j3 SI fell in love with you
At the first week we met
! d. T) P" O- b) ?7 g$ j
You have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
9 T* U2 K* t- F+ S' RAs spotting sky at a summer night
( L$ I6 U8 z+ k1 }They are shining stars
% X& m1 F3 y% E& A
Your lip is so big
$ {! O5 o0 }3 \, PAnd that’s good for a kiss
4 k* G1 C6 ?0 v; S: r6 m- NYour body is chubby
2 r$ v, |5 a7 ]8 J4 AAnd that is good for sex

9 q8 [8 I# ?3 N' q* A0 w7 XI was deeply in love
0 \( u9 Q  O2 e: XEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

% P0 t" p3 p+ {1 p3 \6 R0 AYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
$ z- @/ ?- X6 d& W9 M2 ]# {Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
8 O$ P6 p5 ?( mBecome a fool to think
! {& ?  C0 [1 Z) u# U; B7 HAll trouble things you did
* T+ B4 N) N4 \0 _6 {6 ~And that is the price for love
9 d8 v3 b. U+ _* y% G
you are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
( r2 V9 N+ k: n, c9 ]"My man should be like this,
. W0 o  v4 O* A. e6 B- Dand I am helping you to improve'

+ i$ j7 J0 y( _% j, h. A1 P1 r" RYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
7 Q$ k& X# S+ ]3 h: k* rMy mind is like a mud
$ H, d, p) d1 u* [% o. d- pcan be shaped whatever you want
3 L0 [. b! _' ?3 K3 x4 Q* N
$ U: O$ |# h. j+ X& B$ _) Kunfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
) Y7 z% R# ~* |4 q
& B8 y& p; A# s9 sI will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
3 h. F: Z3 `4 _+ Smy english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

3 {' q6 z! T8 k3 A
! W* z8 x8 N5 O, c0 }3 U; G7 r1 F咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
; Q4 n* ?. n  n6 S$ D4 q- dAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
' f9 D  ^9 s& P" Y
with the charm,
with the simles.
8 j3 n! G7 l0 a. e( M$ WI fell in love with you
In the first sign.
( W9 ]- X+ j  o% o1 n: _# yAs spotting sky at a summer
  R- T5 z3 x& _, I4 E
Your lip is so soft
! k7 B+ ~1 r+ {; C( {" tthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
3 k1 p4 N" d6 E$ j; qYour body is so sexy
- j0 i7 V; C8 R/ RAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
6 f0 I0 D6 d8 Q4 E7 N! s# D
2 ?4 ^  R2 c# v; H; fI am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
% Z# e' A# R. oHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
) W( P  Q7 U5 j% B& G8 y1 ]" @He said she was what was missing
8 u" {  j* t+ k( PShe said instantly she knew
" b! V, j9 R( Q  b2 ]4 ~" HShe was a question to be answered
. @& h7 ^* a8 D* M; Z( R6 V7 XAnd his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
9 G- a) p, x2 b8 G; t: l. J2 X
0 l; K! d% b! v5 t2 B- [/ ~Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
8 _" _% _  ^; g: o5 Q/ I9 o4 s
It's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
, Q# r2 Q4 w0 N: }My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
$ S+ Y- k% \  R6 K* FHoly Jesus, you were so cute
9 d* j$ w# d: T8 [5 J+ c' W
; U9 R, [, s+ m3 h! V5 FYou left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
% b! X8 n6 t( A" Y1 @My mood is like a cloud
$ U* C% b* F; ]# H: VHow could it be dispersed?
! z0 p1 _8 ]; b2 b& l. I5 t
8 U- a8 h' s/ _Feelings bite my heart
You are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
- U% L& s' _' d; r; T/ \. zI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
+ Q, K3 ~9 a* q1 w8 ]) V就和用中文写一次
) O6 x1 ]( X9 i) N9 `/ R阿,我爱你
( F" n$ o" h3 a" C( b( }你让我心跳好快
; q3 v  ?/ @) q0 S9 o9 [8 C5 e你让我脸发热
" Y: y, h! {0 ^1 u1 N! ~我爱上你的大嘴唇
$ |- ]9 D: [& h8 h9 w  V4 _' j, uXXXXX
6 q  j2 f$ z4 x9 H" K6 p# H不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
7 L6 O8 U" q( R% ]5 k
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
5 `# y, F7 w/ c2 x. C, c! e你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! r  Z0 p$ h. @8 W; k就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
& w4 O  [' k; {, _+ {你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
5 z, v" g/ o1 D) I5 E不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。