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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
5 A# Z$ [5 F# B: U: t* @: {& S
/ o8 ^) |1 c! `8 H  Z; O4 G+ ZI fell in love with you
, l2 I: r; v/ _* \7 i& s1 Q5 oAt the first week we met
$ l1 [( c' K1 P9 W. @
# o! ~% z- E8 n1 D* d; v: eYou have charm, you have looks
0 v9 j7 |! C3 C9 s" p) ]with full of pimples in face
4 P1 ]/ [, [8 t+ ?( QAs spotting sky at a summer night3 u3 C2 V/ K! T6 y7 N' n% }
They are shining stars! r3 ?/ I" U# _" o; S& a2 |: o

% h7 Y( ]# _- @Your lip is so big% d- b2 U" p$ }# S& _: M- F8 G
And that’s good for a kiss
! Q% W. M- u2 E% v  g( EYour body is chubby
. B' U& y- G. R  ^And that is good for sex0 a. S: X; G' n' x

( ?" I! R! k8 G6 Q6 rI was deeply in love
: o; \/ ?6 b. B5 c# l. f, lEverything from you is positive, i' r" Q  L" V1 \: w/ K
You blame me everything and everyday
6 E# s" |( V8 w2 }: d3 K) s9 NAnd I think all girls sound like
" U/ K' a9 r. a  ?  V- z8 H* [
# @) \/ [" R  MYou could not stand my eating/ J  X2 j5 Y) ]
Saying no good for making funny sound
8 g3 J( Q% B2 N# `4 _  z& X$ cI think you are perfectly right" w' T9 H4 r  O: d: s
Eating with sound is a pig
5 e4 U8 z0 D- T
$ y% w- Q. ]# _8 H- WI fell in love with you
3 z% y( O4 f6 o! [3 xBecome a fool to think
. I3 M. X( h& A% lAll trouble things you did
8 F& |  Z" `6 q# C" l1 NAnd that is the price for love* h& c9 Z: u5 t/ h
/ Z- p! W, X9 F  a" y
you are deeply in love+ G: O0 i! a# Z% S( U. ~/ J6 x" E
Everything from me is negative( L+ s7 ?+ n" |! w6 L
"My man should be like this,
4 t" Q, f; T% fand I am helping you to improve'
5 ^9 q, Q( R/ F8 L* `, m8 b7 ~+ M* [$ ?& A* e8 A3 X- l% r
You are loving me % \* i( V1 J- B4 U" L
or that one in your mind?# F! Q- G9 T1 |  ~' M
My mind is like a mud# S) u6 ]& f& c9 [% v' V/ H7 Q
can be shaped whatever you want
. L% P8 Z" k  H3 Z: s, \8 V& g6 j* C- ^. L& B( j
unfortunalety not my heart
6 ~$ ^+ e1 L4 A' X/ G# Q0 W2 dIt is slashed by you ' G. [( R7 M) M3 H2 y- f; L
and I am seriously hurt
! b' r8 P, y3 E" j/ S* H8 T/ |! q% q- f+ g5 n
I will never love another 8 R6 N8 U6 m  T* u8 ?2 v
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
理袁律师事务所
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 3 w; G  G1 }/ N3 ]8 t+ t- ^) ]0 k
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
1 }6 h% b- ^7 R4 ?# x7 q% v6 t
  x* p& A/ I" b9 v' b
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
  \) {! `3 S; y3 `% H不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
# R+ `4 _. ~' g, E5 Ri am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.* v# @+ C5 q  R5 `7 j
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed- d8 u& E5 v+ V0 S1 D% _
0 W5 b3 j9 Q8 w" J4 s5 P+ d3 R( `! U
with the charm,6 i# u3 I8 @& O' U6 W
with the simles.
+ f  [! E$ F9 ?6 z, q. xI fell in love with you
1 G" b7 \& X" y' r, g2 k! f+ ZIn the first sign.( C4 {( ]$ E( d0 V
As spotting sky at a summer
7 H& L$ X* w2 x6 j* y; f( D1 Q* O- `  d' T! r0 }
Your lip is so soft
$ G* ?& Q' {. h. r( u0 |0 Othere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss$ P- x# m" i# R8 O. D! D; B
Your body is so sexy
0 K- w: d) w6 eAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
7 G4 X7 t0 i" l0 x# |, C. w/ J" m* |4 _2 p
I am deeply in love
* c2 |& B( s! x8 p9 I( xEverything from you is so charming
7 _% Q/ C2 y" y' u4 D/ Lalthough You r so picky for me $ C/ t" g4 Y& l) g% L7 [6 B
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
" a' L" d; c/ d0 fBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem( P2 _& G3 `7 Q  @; y+ k- a

+ y2 K" t0 x0 |
+ {- e  s% k3 Y) PHis hello is the end of her endings& c2 v  H/ S$ d4 i
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
! f# x$ J  N2 g8 n, L+ LHis hand would be hers to hold forever
, v/ I2 T' j4 C+ JHis forever is simply as her smile 5 k  U2 B2 v+ [4 t  [
He said she was what was missing. _6 `3 M8 s: i/ e+ f
She said instantly she knew
$ F" r% j4 Y+ {- ~, Y4 ~/ O/ SShe was a question to be answered% i. U+ q& H$ Q- a0 h
And his answer is
3 s' i) B$ \& q+ _4 @' I, P- W6 n% I; oI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas% q) V' W- T9 q. y6 I/ V
4 Q5 f, V' S8 K. o8 c
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt, C1 B; j1 I9 H; X4 o( x: W
/ O- }1 o& [" u3 b# J
It's amazing how I felt
. _& C. Z7 r) C/ |" Mwhen I was with you
5 x9 M6 Z2 u- k! F2 \. e! yMy heart beat so fast# c: w& b: o# m0 j% Q7 D' Z
I looked at you and thought
, u7 S# ~! f  ~" {2 Q+ a: s6 KHoly Jesus, you were so cute
0 _- L' I) t6 a; z( k% S# z; Y- I; w' ]) Q
You left me without a word7 S- |' s3 Z+ u
I have nothing except my emptiness1 V9 H, F4 u- B. R
My mood is like a cloud$ ?8 D" j6 ]% r% O2 U5 v) K. p7 K
How could it be dispersed?
6 h  J* b! l6 R4 g9 d* s# _9 @7 H( T2 j: t' a8 O4 U
Feelings bite my heart 6 w0 z6 H, q# \) w
You are the right one I wait% [) D4 p( P/ @8 s9 Q( X* J$ \
In the depth of my soul
. J+ l8 E3 j; N2 ~5 {" B2 `7 y6 |I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
& n# m8 a5 p% }; ]你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道( H6 u1 I% z4 |, |/ C% P
就和用中文写一次
; {- @8 S/ S! c8 U7 {4 P阿,我爱你7 F, C$ g! Q: J' e. H  ~3 B
你让我心跳好快; m  h4 M4 X9 H8 ^% z7 j0 Y+ N
你让我脸发热4 e$ y9 t  `& `% I; ?
我爱上你的大嘴唇' o: _% }0 m; X, o- H
XXXXX
3 g& i: l! z/ [0 t' l# `; N不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
; L  @' y4 t) z* P0 A# M9 Z' d5 `7 D3 [1 b( I; g) \
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
  ]. a' f. p3 K至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 / y6 @* @2 T# b+ U$ x
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
$ k" V; I5 S: W0 d你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道* F8 u  S7 z$ x' q/ z
就和用中文写一次
- [7 [* [; B  B  A/ Y6 i- z阿,我爱你
" D$ ], w5 b3 `你让我心跳好快+ P7 [1 a4 l) z& N. @
你让我脸发热. w+ ^6 G& ^9 J* [9 G7 j) y
我爱上你的大嘴唇+ y# `5 t2 ]5 i' }+ J% q) T* g- Y
XXXXX
( C; M6 c+ n- v2 I1 i不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
! x2 b" P) }" Y$ i9 ~' j

" |$ F; H3 q2 B4 H# f3 n* c靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
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鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
大型搬家
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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