我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

" y/ p- \1 X" }% q* |3 a8 \* L# UI fell in love with you
At the first week we met

9 r! k2 F$ Y1 v% |6 _; q$ Y2 _% BYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
+ \2 T5 b3 v" M; o' U/ \3 kAs spotting sky at a summer night
; @9 h" d" P" n2 TThey are shining stars
9 \: U; Z7 v5 n$ n; m1 f, h- q
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
Your body is chubby
And that is good for sex

- V# z) r: v" n- C  y  rI was deeply in love
" o3 q3 {/ x4 X  f' ~2 f6 w, wEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like

( ]4 E1 `7 x" U, A6 gYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig
, {" ^- Y! Z% x, P
. r. U2 G! D  d0 P1 D- b; ]I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
3 u. B) p. o/ iAnd that is the price for love
: Z, W! g1 A( i7 }1 ^
9 z$ b5 s# C$ f( m6 C. z/ w3 wyou are deeply in love
, m1 ^& X5 f6 [Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
+ v( B1 ?- L  o+ zand I am helping you to improve'
7 u' l' s' p: E( E1 q1 c4 L
' h9 J. u: y" i4 a( I! k4 b0 S+ i4 }You are loving me
( H! ~+ A+ o) O7 U$ F* W* por that one in your mind?
6 z/ u: P1 Q6 z  q2 TMy mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want
* p) F& D9 E! O0 O; X6 ]- W  d: N1 k
3 W( j3 E  p' Q" punfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt
$ a" E  G$ d/ g. T3 D6 N+ H8 F( X: h
* M7 |$ T' k) t1 ]I will never love another
% M# |0 w& J) gIf my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
" ?# K1 K: ~8 F% k; W+ X) w& wi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
! }6 l7 J5 b' d* E( e# y3 ?, A
with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
; V1 l# w  G) r$ m' tIn the first sign.
3 \- ^( p& w8 ?7 m& FAs spotting sky at a summer

9 r/ m" `# ]4 C* C8 I% lYour lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
5 U. ^: p; d# QYour body is so sexy
) c% C* R8 m9 \- q2 I4 dAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
& u. }, j+ N3 W0 i5 ~: [
I am deeply in love
Everything from you is so charming
% N" R1 d( h4 A( _# N5 Ualthough You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
! y. E" U4 j: PBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


0 |; A" a! b) q) i' Z. l! B: lHis hello is the end of her endings
8 q- e3 {" E3 ^( x: _" p7 }Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
3 g& _$ X9 C5 e: ZHis hand would be hers to hold forever
6 R: n; E* T; T8 G' W( g  |His forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
$ l. N( _' y' N1 P9 t) U* MShe said instantly she knew
$ s2 S, P5 }6 P0 s! o8 Q8 B7 uShe was a question to be answered
0 J% Z- o+ k' e! N7 w0 W- NAnd his answer is
! s) {! C/ U. S5 ~5 mI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

! u7 c# \& f6 ^4 q. ^Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

: Q% ~# g' X" ?. c1 OIt's amazing how I felt
4 Z5 L7 n1 N( a) \when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
I looked at you and thought
# L8 x6 N* K" r( l$ U, \Holy Jesus, you were so cute

You left me without a word
I have nothing except my emptiness
+ d5 k; ]0 S( D# k* J/ C2 vMy mood is like a cloud
$ @# m( z+ u2 K4 B2 j0 s5 h) sHow could it be dispersed?

3 d7 @' I6 H/ w) N* rFeelings bite my heart
- r, {" D. t) K) ?' T5 r% iYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
1 U" h1 }. E" \" f! `+ V你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* j4 s: ]$ G. l9 D6 z就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
+ h5 ^/ T3 n0 I0 ]; W8 ?你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
7 _! k2 {2 a2 O9 C7 u5 V. K不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
5 s6 ]( b- L; D
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
* f& x& _+ {  J' B至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
7 Y$ R% e& c* Z* A* D9 D% n闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
* U% N* v3 v+ J  P就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
! a8 T+ S! j+ G6 U# F* m我爱上你的大嘴唇
6 n6 V, V6 K) @. O! D) X' wXXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
+ \( L6 M. X# K

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。