我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
At the first week we met

6 Z' Y7 U" B2 b  Z* qYou have charm, you have looks
; C4 G& M) }* R$ r% d1 P' W  Hwith full of pimples in face
" u$ u6 L. u1 u% @/ bAs spotting sky at a summer night
/ x0 g  V4 n' m5 P( `  WThey are shining stars

& r- P) @9 j7 o. n( k3 fYour lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
, d; I$ U, [8 b0 q, b) k5 lYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
; U2 x6 \5 p0 M. Z
7 [, X1 w2 P9 l, B: CI was deeply in love
1 }/ e) s0 u( G' k) l9 IEverything from you is positive
( P5 p& ^, U6 zYou blame me everything and everyday
8 J5 y1 y  L. h6 M% |2 [And I think all girls sound like
0 i1 X2 L5 l7 U) l+ B5 B/ l4 o( q
* B- B9 h( {, w2 M* e: qYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
6 `5 j# v# q, H  [6 c, S8 }+ FEating with sound is a pig
, t) T0 g- A% _
+ a8 {; n" I! O" ZI fell in love with you
9 Z  T3 q- J$ p$ T, s6 ^2 W8 YBecome a fool to think
: A% c+ N- P5 m3 t+ q3 bAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

you are deeply in love
; ?1 l( \8 M% L% Z7 kEverything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
% ]' K, ?8 W& C/ _3 T7 Iand I am helping you to improve'

You are loving me
or that one in your mind?
$ V* U# l9 L3 c9 i8 BMy mind is like a mud
+ q4 w* x. e6 V' z7 Ucan be shaped whatever you want

unfortunalety not my heart
It is slashed by you
1 b" ^: s- p3 K% cand I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

1 Y( s. t. |9 m) i" i
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
$ }1 ]7 ^) \- ]1 L3 P3 [2 g, aAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
) b. i  _6 l3 O/ o+ Owith the simles.
" J; q4 @6 t5 s8 `7 pI fell in love with you
+ v0 x1 R/ a4 J+ |: {: HIn the first sign.
2 K$ l: d+ u3 l, c1 bAs spotting sky at a summer

Your lip is so soft
3 R" ?) u+ h$ v6 K  c1 [" o7 Fthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
Your body is so sexy
  R2 J  u+ d7 J, \( u6 NAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
% T+ ^0 @* T, \" M' q
I am deeply in love
4 \  J9 o$ y+ Z  D' tEverything from you is so charming
! h2 H4 }6 m, Yalthough You r so picky for me
9 m& O5 o* Q9 G2 a7 e' t  xAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem


& d) W) D/ s% J2 bHis hello is the end of her endings
  k& E( i6 ]$ K- r2 ?Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
- l/ i: _8 J' }1 D9 ]3 qHis forever is simply as her smile
He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
9 w% f2 |) w( I8 R& zI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
/ }- b; q# p% x) e: {4 g  C1 h
- T- q; {7 C0 C6 `6 H& _Below is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt
- [$ _) @( j* P6 F: U6 B0 C
It's amazing how I felt
! e* G, X$ L; ]: S9 W- zwhen I was with you
My heart beat so fast
! ^" C5 S" f, N  e8 W  l* fI looked at you and thought
! C, e" }! }6 ~6 }7 AHoly Jesus, you were so cute
! \3 Z8 T) I9 A' ~4 W9 y
  d& ~- Y$ x$ EYou left me without a word
: K0 ~2 K- j  u; AI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
% ^( u0 Y0 e0 Q' C' l2 {! M' D! zYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
7 E6 h; [6 ~1 n: p2 kI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
( k: P/ W/ O9 C2 L你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
" l4 x: B; U1 H就和用中文写一次
! H  a% k& @5 M' p阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
& @' q  o' m3 v) X" U8 SXXXXX
& @6 I3 k5 D# [$ ^3 y& k7 u2 |不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?

如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
% [+ R# N" G# c- R6 Q; c. Q) O至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
" u: M* |3 [: P; L1 i" F你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
$ f  W. m9 h/ B- |$ h$ w你让我心跳好快
$ a. n& R7 {- v0 X; [( Y你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
" c, Q% p. }4 E. z. Q# `XXXXX
. x6 M# J1 v6 _  a( P' d1 n: x不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
$ h# U. C5 G; ^7 M: }

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。