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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love  U& B6 U: G- \% @* X
" e- ]" M% r; |0 U6 g# F
I fell in love with you
% ]- N2 ^0 |0 kAt the first week we met2 U7 P" h% ^* D6 b
2 a7 l$ b, w6 o5 e- Z4 Y
You have charm, you have looks! U( y8 u) ]3 f& E2 S( H
with full of pimples in face
) C" S, U2 y9 K0 e2 G, D9 zAs spotting sky at a summer night2 y! ?; H. y" {2 k/ m' [
They are shining stars
" O7 c. g* F8 q. L% {
9 }; v* V" y# [) f! e$ d1 XYour lip is so big9 p  V( q$ g& {* g
And that’s good for a kiss2 I1 n! q$ A) w& I# `; j
Your body is chubby- J3 h  o- O% z) Q" A5 t' ^0 W8 B
And that is good for sex4 T2 O0 X4 Y' {) b
7 }/ V) Z4 w3 U4 e9 X/ r" U
I was deeply in love# W( z2 d% ~3 ~% c- H/ C  T
Everything from you is positive4 A8 h. q" N( o
You blame me everything and everyday
, P* S, l5 g, M8 V6 f, gAnd I think all girls sound like
' L7 w  @0 G7 s, ~3 B% t
" f8 w, O* w4 {# z& e- vYou could not stand my eating
0 n( e9 }) X. v9 ^/ A# PSaying no good for making funny sound- {, J$ w3 c5 Y
I think you are perfectly right% u# d* x0 m  ~! \
Eating with sound is a pig$ {# `9 I9 m4 A) r. J
5 e* N; n1 U( m+ I% p8 ~
I fell in love with you
% h* l# R4 L- E3 }Become a fool to think
, }+ R% d: x8 W) E' q$ eAll trouble things you did
. P0 r6 T1 i- x5 K6 xAnd that is the price for love& E8 Q& f9 S6 j* p
4 l; A' u. @% x9 T+ M5 e
you are deeply in love" q, ]4 o# C4 Q6 D' ?
Everything from me is negative- q4 Z+ _+ b! T  }: ?8 k
"My man should be like this,  |, V/ F$ l- @7 e* D5 ~
and I am helping you to improve'5 m/ V6 q4 H8 T$ t# L6 v' J1 d
, _$ y8 \" l; x
You are loving me
& W2 o/ o* O: g% P* cor that one in your mind?4 C6 q$ R4 u+ \1 W2 ]
My mind is like a mud
+ F2 `4 K/ M  ]- u# Z! Y3 Zcan be shaped whatever you want
$ p/ d& n: H2 J5 I6 A% o
9 v9 X$ D( T% J+ K1 [unfortunalety not my heart
5 ^9 y3 y# y; q% m7 I0 Y8 `2 NIt is slashed by you 0 C7 \9 P! N9 ?: I  {) J5 a
and I am seriously hurt2 m6 E- r- O1 A; K- J4 B3 k9 `
# J$ I% k# P+ n1 G6 E4 I
I will never love another 9 Z4 n" h, ]0 ^3 m
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 , a! }' a9 m9 z0 C, ?7 ]! Z
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

* J  o" r. ]5 O4 F4 w$ A. E. i2 K1 q( h8 R
咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
6 p* z) W# d1 d; G4 t/ q% ]: b( l9 r/ H& v不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, % J2 b1 a- F6 l* c( W. ^
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
/ q" d4 i5 Z: [* K! bAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
" |" l, e+ t* H/ O6 A
- t$ `. x$ H# ]% k& Z( v$ z, g  \with the charm,, {9 F! n7 h+ F. R, b4 c3 u
with the simles.
0 s1 x3 h+ S7 _4 x/ e0 OI fell in love with you 6 l# R# Y; U, Y/ G; o
In the first sign.$ i" P' G) b( l
As spotting sky at a summer
! C  [) f6 E: d3 U1 E" E' [
4 z- @4 ^& |3 D! |' KYour lip is so soft 2 j4 P3 E2 {# _2 x; C+ @
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss; H' Z% G- h9 P. L
Your body is so sexy
! b3 {1 q) ?  `: U* x$ W# w1 j5 RAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
1 c; i! N1 g* Z% d" }4 L& p
- O- Y0 i' K6 T& e( cI am deeply in love
8 ?% [. {# s- ]Everything from you is so charming1 i& I* Q( M- ?- H  p' C5 Z
although You r so picky for me
( B) d, d& B7 Q" E8 z3 `And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
鲜花(0) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
& h9 s5 O5 y& n/ C! {! V% fBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem5 P  W/ ~# r; a. S8 I

1 g+ t$ `6 `. N: z+ b: X4 a: V# p6 C
4 X/ D1 R( o" W1 N  EHis hello is the end of her endings
5 a- P* k7 G% @' O5 K+ {6 ZHer laugh is their first step down  the aisle
: i; v* R  e0 [; I2 {His hand would be hers to hold forever
5 M. h' E& V" i0 \  R% J: eHis forever is simply as her smile ' F- {& Y% h# C3 n" H" l. i
He said she was what was missing: F0 n! r+ Y) o" ]" q$ w
She said instantly she knew) T1 f$ R% Z! C- {
She was a question to be answered
7 F& s  A' N% b: _And his answer is
" w7 G$ v7 _5 V, j* @1 D/ pI do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas/ @' ^5 @- Z1 I+ V! d  J

0 l3 D. L, Q6 pBelow is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
/ a# C* L  K. t! C8 N1 u) \% o' `2 G& ~7 X. ]9 r+ M7 Z3 O
It's amazing how I felt   Z9 {! D) S! O
when I was with you* \- I& ~3 }: j+ a0 L" T
My heart beat so fast
: ?& {" G) b# N  G; V0 y9 KI looked at you and thought' u5 U+ R) N) @( c7 O
Holy Jesus, you were so cute/ j  l! B( t/ N, W/ m

# N# g! x; A% s' }6 ^% zYou left me without a word0 H; _" o# a4 S9 T  Y' T! B- e0 P
I have nothing except my emptiness" f2 z" C" u8 s  C- F
My mood is like a cloud+ o" f! o" l4 ^5 I. j2 V
How could it be dispersed?" a$ j' t3 ?1 G) z, N. }( s

; V3 P: T' e  [. v0 c: U8 s6 SFeelings bite my heart : Q. b0 ?- a) @  v. p0 F' u
You are the right one I wait/ v5 P) M2 {% D8 B
In the depth of my soul6 c1 A0 L) K$ k! \- b9 F
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美6 G1 o1 H6 h1 n4 b, M
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
1 l( t; U9 ?6 X$ ?7 h  y就和用中文写一次( j! Y8 o& U  v+ J( A8 Q% k6 ]; ?
阿,我爱你
4 c; k( t: q# W# X$ t你让我心跳好快! t: A- J0 }# T
你让我脸发热
. Q8 F3 ~) T9 ?6 e, T我爱上你的大嘴唇$ p& P& c0 e: _6 A
XXXXX# ^- x# U' _0 v. C  f9 w
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
9 M3 N8 H/ G3 L) k4 s; H; l
2 o5 q8 {- P8 E如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER& @9 i+ X6 p0 L9 i& w) Z
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
鲜花(4) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
0 b4 c- \9 ?% w闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
& A5 q* l! \% o; T$ W* }  N你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! X$ i5 S3 Z8 s1 ~就和用中文写一次
+ D- a, q) l( {& I! {5 D阿,我爱你
) K' x# h3 c# h9 _你让我心跳好快; w5 C0 L, c' ^# h9 _; y
你让我脸发热: m, j  y& J2 V  r! `3 t
我爱上你的大嘴唇' o  j7 K+ Z( [' B; @/ ?9 Y
XXXXX
) r/ B8 _6 b9 V/ ~不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
5 J. l+ S( A; y- }

$ j" y7 u" B& {: w9 q# d4 W) E靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
鲜花(5) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
+ `) G0 J) i9 P/ Y& p) r3 G' b
鲜花(14) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
鲜花(120) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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