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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love! ~4 m. S/ W* X  U

4 b) a, k3 C6 q, Z3 Y- tI fell in love with you
/ I) @0 e* Y  @3 `At the first week we met
7 h  ]$ Y4 U7 ^
. t3 j* a! j- Z, W! v" h4 d0 IYou have charm, you have looks
9 [+ @* r. f# b" g! U* wwith full of pimples in face
3 |' h( R  d/ k! _As spotting sky at a summer night
4 N: P& A8 D. Z% N' f1 e. _, HThey are shining stars. U6 Z/ W# a$ Y8 u& [  e# [
3 O) B6 N% `$ K# ]% Z
Your lip is so big( h! L( |2 L( x9 o! v
And that’s good for a kiss* _9 @9 B3 {! m. X! {# S6 R
Your body is chubby8 T- G' b& P3 V( [1 ^4 B
And that is good for sex
( I/ N$ H$ J4 c. s% W
& |) F2 i. @' i1 w7 k0 ?3 a; ~' FI was deeply in love8 v  ~! x% W0 i) C/ O: q% p6 d& H
Everything from you is positive
6 z1 G$ x2 [5 {1 ?, ZYou blame me everything and everyday
- C* }- Z2 h5 l7 y. C2 uAnd I think all girls sound like& O/ V+ ^8 z2 E8 q# s/ J

3 A+ [% M' l# @6 k+ XYou could not stand my eating) o! j* E3 o- E0 Q
Saying no good for making funny sound: q' k, y7 _$ N. r( n# C. u
I think you are perfectly right
8 Z3 G' a, v! \Eating with sound is a pig: U0 k2 ?% _" p$ Z) u0 ?% P! V
5 e5 o. ]* w* x4 W$ b! |
I fell in love with you
  g# G0 r- b! [0 f1 lBecome a fool to think! t( b3 A1 X9 U7 `' ^
All trouble things you did" f8 [: {8 R' k. B$ e
And that is the price for love7 @" d; x$ O3 [$ a3 K3 l' u( j- r# ^1 @
) M# c" {8 \4 Q7 g
you are deeply in love4 Q9 w+ f' g3 B$ O
Everything from me is negative) ^+ _/ M3 u% R# p$ f: I
"My man should be like this,2 z/ ^  O% i; U" b0 f5 @, U
and I am helping you to improve'
5 T6 ^! U/ ~; r2 L2 q! D, \
2 ~( V$ F4 w6 e! B6 vYou are loving me 1 m; X, i  e, A4 y
or that one in your mind?" Y+ v) q4 k" f# J) q/ [% E
My mind is like a mud1 m# @* i$ I/ ~. T
can be shaped whatever you want
+ E4 X  A; c- S. }
7 y% a! u' O$ junfortunalety not my heart0 |5 l4 E3 H3 i! n$ x
It is slashed by you 1 N/ E3 p: M. s( ^4 X
and I am seriously hurt0 e5 q- g! I: Z+ p5 C4 f. P

% Y8 M) x9 l; qI will never love another
  X( e6 u* t1 C7 t# s+ VIf my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
鲜花(40) 鸡蛋(1)
发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
, L* h9 e3 E+ t7 z: N# I& @my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
1 i8 A- y$ F* L% }8 d$ h4 s$ ~. Y

+ [- j+ k5 L# H7 t咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!
/ Y% B3 y1 @  N2 z9 W0 O# H不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
sweeite,
  q& u7 d$ l6 S9 a( {+ P6 W3 g, hi am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.( `# n+ L* A/ v0 k9 h
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
% H/ C1 S+ L) e8 `& F+ P# ~: y6 N- Y; ]0 ]8 y* q" P+ m
with the charm,1 M4 [! B: }6 X5 x- I3 y2 w
with the simles.% E. ?9 K& M* h  s' {+ a
I fell in love with you 8 t- v; j9 r: l" h1 ~8 P
In the first sign., c+ I) `6 H7 B& `" V2 B, R
As spotting sky at a summer
. j. I# `4 m  e% \
% S; F+ C) J% ]) r' O  l- JYour lip is so soft
- \2 [4 E* J- z! Dthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
* B5 g3 F5 u( ]Your body is so sexy
' v# [9 B. e# ~2 C. xAnd I cannt image the moment I  touch u.; x$ x( T4 z" [: u6 g

3 A/ m3 ?1 h$ d! YI am deeply in love6 D$ ^' j& s" R  J9 q0 K% H
Everything from you is so charming) ?7 F- ~: D- v  A' G6 Q# A
although You r so picky for me
- s; M3 M* V0 B; S* MAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.  c0 W1 g3 o- d- e$ n" Y1 v" u9 X
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem0 D0 B- A% x, u* I: A

8 U7 e3 S7 {, z) ~& r; @- L, F# C. G
His hello is the end of her endings& R% X7 K+ G! \9 e: X4 ?
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
0 r  a4 Q$ V3 S9 EHis hand would be hers to hold forever4 S! U6 e" I1 n7 S4 k8 m
His forever is simply as her smile
/ @0 q& d$ t9 ?9 R* X' KHe said she was what was missing, a1 ~; Z0 \, x& r# x& p7 L
She said instantly she knew
: f* c0 ]" V6 D* L3 rShe was a question to be answered
: E* q5 }3 ~/ c! W; f: W' FAnd his answer is $ W0 |/ U- G, F0 n% Y; c, A  O
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas, n4 y% U" ~5 i' T2 O
% S+ E! J; o$ M/ B7 t
Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt
3 j2 t  a$ V3 r0 t. H5 G% p4 D- p# e0 R; D9 s7 ?( {0 a
It's amazing how I felt
* D4 N1 M7 N- w- Bwhen I was with you" B7 _# G. M* l7 O$ F
My heart beat so fast
1 C) K- E7 P! A2 ]! y2 CI looked at you and thought
! a& {8 m5 i1 O  r  ^Holy Jesus, you were so cute. [# y5 @  |0 |+ `/ |' c

6 Z/ K" K1 _  r1 q# n3 bYou left me without a word
# l, X8 J. @( P7 A0 |" I2 y' DI have nothing except my emptiness4 x  l6 Z" g! A, m" f7 H5 Y: |
My mood is like a cloud
2 b# ~- Z" W- EHow could it be dispersed?
/ Q: s' F% v7 z8 Y9 l8 E! T! z2 n( S- a  J! f
Feelings bite my heart ( a% {( Y$ u5 I
You are the right one I wait; g2 D7 L6 X' d5 D0 [
In the depth of my soul4 Z8 J  I% k7 d$ n
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美4 N- [2 \2 y$ P
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道% ?* L. m1 Y2 @$ l  D2 r% ]
就和用中文写一次& [$ X# H; Q* O9 m! Y# H
阿,我爱你
3 f- Y3 s4 ?5 l. p你让我心跳好快
& @& {! A3 i2 [7 V$ a你让我脸发热& _# F/ b" N' Z5 U
我爱上你的大嘴唇. A: P4 }0 u/ U" a. ^, D
XXXXX8 U/ n) ^4 r" \  ^
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?  f& L- [9 f1 @! N, U3 I
+ |# x) L  i) P& V8 I
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
1 g: P  i) Z9 g% ]* Z至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 7 ^7 L8 z9 \* P
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
* F4 Z" @+ |' H( B" q你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
! I% ^: b+ Q3 Q2 q# ?# d就和用中文写一次, X4 y; c) l1 l8 ?  w
阿,我爱你4 K# ]% q( G4 H6 k
你让我心跳好快
: g/ Q4 }7 z" J, a# r9 M你让我脸发热6 p0 q5 e) |1 B5 W% }+ p& e2 O
我爱上你的大嘴唇2 X+ j" K* n& C, h
XXXXX
/ H6 W/ u% V5 s% z, Q) C* k不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...
# A% }/ |: E* t4 n7 X- t2 H! [
: ^) O( ^$ j+ W
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
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发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.
6 ?7 ^4 S0 Z4 `7 c
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
理袁律师事务所
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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