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我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

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发表于 2008-12-21 12:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
Falling in love
: b' T, l; Q8 F! k1 A: f
$ H* A6 O( Q! C6 e/ A* BI fell in love with you ! p. D6 r3 @  ]1 F$ D5 Y
At the first week we met
1 m6 L- M% t& L) |4 \$ Y. S" H' s; r' c6 k
You have charm, you have looks
: C$ L4 s+ s) j' T6 e- Hwith full of pimples in face* D0 L  w+ j: p& g7 y
As spotting sky at a summer night3 @5 `; X/ m7 r" Q+ a5 u# N
They are shining stars
3 U0 S5 a1 r+ a! x# r5 ?/ X2 Y  }) D
Your lip is so big, e: j2 h4 J( c
And that’s good for a kiss
( F& P- d( F9 `( h( yYour body is chubby
( R1 ?7 h) A: {  X3 n2 x: {" [And that is good for sex
$ X  ]* {- t! u2 N# Y7 T5 j& e6 e. s- I- j4 z% Q( I" o% G
I was deeply in love
6 N! Q6 W3 @' j' ]! m2 [Everything from you is positive- a$ V* w9 q2 B/ z( R
You blame me everything and everyday+ P# c8 W8 C& ^4 E' w- N% f6 x. ~
And I think all girls sound like  v5 x4 T' C; Q" y* \- P  u  _( K

1 Q* f- M* a* w& M  a8 e7 P; M8 F$ DYou could not stand my eating
' `2 H1 ?$ z% W/ f9 g* d. x5 KSaying no good for making funny sound# w/ U1 e/ z- m" ^. R5 M/ z
I think you are perfectly right
7 I  z& I" x* q% t% t7 }( lEating with sound is a pig
  l1 m5 k0 {# L2 n7 R$ w( R% q5 V3 c& [0 |/ m! K
I fell in love with you / _) k6 U( [  W( i
Become a fool to think
& A/ C& a" O5 }2 m9 p% JAll trouble things you did! U0 o9 n2 z' R* w! N+ e! C
And that is the price for love  U2 p/ [- C& E) i; J

  y$ A* }+ Z- x6 d9 T! _you are deeply in love
6 i' Z! G" u: @" ~# t% }1 u& pEverything from me is negative  T# y/ V! H& {0 I* P: L3 s# Q
"My man should be like this," ]/ O4 S( c, ^7 C- E0 i) x2 @
and I am helping you to improve'! E8 @) w1 T% g* M  H& q9 K& \8 U
+ S- J: {4 [; M
You are loving me . k: u6 }& O. }( d
or that one in your mind?
# ~0 }+ t" d6 {: F$ D# wMy mind is like a mud
% l9 f$ H. w: J. z7 Y0 ~can be shaped whatever you want
1 \% d2 \2 t0 v6 D/ ^2 s) I
2 k4 X) y8 V& k2 V. ]) funfortunalety not my heart! N) |) A- c( |' F4 {! J1 G) W' Q
It is slashed by you ! W  A" z& j8 c$ ]: z( Y
and I am seriously hurt
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I will never love another 7 v0 C, u* m9 q
If my heart can be fixed
鲜花(657) 鸡蛋(3)
发表于 2008-12-21 19:53 | 显示全部楼层
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.
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发表于 2008-12-21 19:57 | 显示全部楼层
这个,能不能叫情人眼里出西施,连小痘痘都升级作STAR了=。=
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发表于 2008-12-21 20:46 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队 追求完美
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 17:44 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表 + G+ g7 e- H, I  l* l- \
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

5 h5 M1 a/ q; t/ d; e/ F7 T
8 f; R2 s3 ~% Y$ c咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧
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发表于 2008-12-22 18:06 | 显示全部楼层
配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了,呵呵
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-22 21:34 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?
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发表于 2008-12-23 19:24 | 显示全部楼层

楼主的诗很雷人

强!强!强!SEX!SEX!SEX!4 j1 d) L2 O/ Q, U4 o$ l
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人,对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦!顶一下。
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:04 | 显示全部楼层
sweeite, 5 ?+ ]2 I2 K# h5 v  p2 D  m1 Q
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
& k0 ~: V" `: _* Z/ s! yAnd this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed3 F! \, m9 Y$ `5 ~$ q+ k9 @$ H

* b6 A: p! r, `! P* B2 Twith the charm,3 k5 x+ c7 C) u9 u- i9 [3 i$ f
with the simles.
, J: G% f& H" D$ M% wI fell in love with you 1 B( [. M/ a/ H+ ]  a0 @9 Z( U! K3 M
In the first sign.
! y) A# y3 O9 i" cAs spotting sky at a summer
# Q/ s  x( I6 h; q$ O2 U) w/ f; P9 P
Your lip is so soft
6 ?4 m: |, Q+ l$ cthere is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss, [' C+ Z3 e& s7 |+ J! K0 p* ^% i0 `
Your body is so sexy7 E0 e2 d! P4 ~* B% \- S
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.4 O' z! e5 P: W6 A7 K/ r
7 V& |2 O3 A4 X* s5 @4 W
I am deeply in love$ E; r, D6 D& r' y
Everything from you is so charming
  y0 \# `, \1 l7 b4 \4 k+ x6 [although You r so picky for me
* F! C) L+ L3 S5 W/ ~- f/ G4 GAnd I take them as ur buttefly feelings.
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发表于 2008-12-24 07:16 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.3 F9 b" t8 E& W  J
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
: }" R8 G0 @3 D7 k, o: ?# Z
. v( a6 V. l( b7 X& j  c
- X  g8 L( ]) c2 ~4 W% j0 G5 w0 ~His hello is the end of her endings# u7 }0 ~% X( n
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle5 v/ j( m( o$ E3 h
His hand would be hers to hold forever
8 ^4 B% Y* {/ y$ eHis forever is simply as her smile 9 u4 l. [3 p0 x( v
He said she was what was missing
/ H( a, w. S' q, }She said instantly she knew
; s+ N% g1 V  [3 X6 cShe was a question to be answered
+ d9 W8 i0 Q( \' q' ]And his answer is : d) M; X% P  I
I do
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:37 | 显示全部楼层
Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
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* e& _( Y9 n1 a  _Below is my new one, any comment?
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 14:38 | 显示全部楼层
It’s amazing how I felt" ^& x5 ?1 q6 a+ m8 u

; X5 g" u- t5 u) V5 L% W6 LIt's amazing how I felt ; l( z6 t( |5 ?7 X+ s
when I was with you) E+ O0 [7 G* L8 v% p; ]
My heart beat so fast: c" C+ a) N0 H) l0 }& a6 ^
I looked at you and thought, M! y) |/ Y) O" }0 z6 s5 V2 j
Holy Jesus, you were so cute4 m' G$ }) ?# O% r: s8 s

+ x; z; _6 ^& s+ y. eYou left me without a word
, k! a0 W$ I# c: U! P5 J4 XI have nothing except my emptiness" d& X4 l- {5 c8 F" q6 Y' X
My mood is like a cloud
: o4 J+ n1 u! a. X# v; a6 K0 A& DHow could it be dispersed?
# T' I" _7 L: }+ m& W) X0 w1 K* z% V' o% W4 g* T0 O
Feelings bite my heart 5 Q; C6 ?( |5 a+ I" T9 _4 A
You are the right one I wait
& v# [# ]' }. v5 D8 F; wIn the depth of my soul6 z% \2 W/ `' \$ `. J: E7 A
I will love you till I'm dead
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:24 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
/ g% l0 A6 c/ p1 D# M你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
8 C& H+ U( a" J; ]0 S就和用中文写一次2 `. H1 l8 j: y' ^) T" E  ?$ f
阿,我爱你
% e" Y2 F4 ~8 J" Q你让我心跳好快1 Y/ l/ [" T9 [' N, W
你让我脸发热7 }& b  O: K# p* e, c( P
我爱上你的大嘴唇
6 ~( o3 ]8 _9 `2 N( x" eXXXXX7 a4 W6 i: d, i$ K6 K
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
; `0 D2 _" J4 l' D% C' J& r' b: K# O& J2 J/ a1 y8 q8 x! i; ]
如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
( w% W+ p- U3 M, b5 {% ?) F4 o至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西
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发表于 2008-12-24 15:31 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
楼主的湿,绝对要赞一个,那叫做雷死人不要钱!强就一个字!!!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2008-12-24 16:03 | 显示全部楼层
原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表 # s5 g9 ~% J8 q6 W8 g3 \
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
* G1 M/ j& W, f$ x+ f# f  u9 o2 @/ L你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道$ w) p( ~- [3 U" b: p
就和用中文写一次
4 `- G: w3 q& b$ l. |阿,我爱你
+ U4 C* q" n! a* |/ `你让我心跳好快# [% S" d4 K$ Z) i( H8 o
你让我脸发热
# }) l3 d6 b9 C+ d& v! ^我爱上你的大嘴唇
: L7 {& {4 P& D, ?+ g$ `' OXXXXX
2 B$ i. p" P3 o7 |+ A% U不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

2 [( m. ^) y( e% P" d9 S: ?7 ^
+ k, s, w$ J8 ?0 s靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?
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发表于 2008-12-25 00:13 | 显示全部楼层
恩,我无语了
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发表于 2008-12-25 07:37 | 显示全部楼层
同言同羽 置业良晨
这也叫诗,勇气大大的.
鲜花(1115) 鸡蛋(0)
发表于 2008-12-25 12:22 | 显示全部楼层
Match the following Song! Casablanca.+ T& G5 o) Y* i4 p- o
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发表于 2008-12-25 16:55 | 显示全部楼层
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发表于 2008-12-31 02:08 | 显示全部楼层
老杨团队,追求完美;客户至上,服务到位!
码字能连句,转行也成诗。。。
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