我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love
$ N: ]2 t6 e$ ?1 W
6 A0 }* ]# d' x9 C  Q5 xI fell in love with you
At the first week we met

You have charm, you have looks
& p3 }9 B: H% o5 s  Jwith full of pimples in face
$ X+ v) a9 ?" H. cAs spotting sky at a summer night
5 f, U4 Y; |7 vThey are shining stars

Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
4 t' D* D; S4 K( Z" W. SYour body is chubby
And that is good for sex
1 J/ ]( x" w; @9 j1 b
I was deeply in love
7 {* O- z" _( NEverything from you is positive
You blame me everything and everyday
9 ~* J5 Z8 H9 fAnd I think all girls sound like
3 q8 z; [+ Q  q  R
& }8 W  n& p" E  {9 _7 g8 UYou could not stand my eating
6 m2 ~; p4 `: @  u! p( uSaying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

3 W7 E, V8 ]) W; C" x( L' ~I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
All trouble things you did
And that is the price for love

  ^1 }/ ?1 F# myou are deeply in love
Everything from me is negative
  {; ]3 n* Z% y! C$ T$ I7 Y2 o"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'
# s% z0 B$ ]+ Y0 H' e
! L0 V- P: l7 j5 D* K7 @7 ?& q% KYou are loving me
! l+ b5 s* Y. L( v6 n8 H" _or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
can be shaped whatever you want

) C/ l- x7 v0 E+ Z/ ], F. sunfortunalety not my heart
" E9 C! {; G* Z) A2 N! ~6 a! J! y8 LIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
3 i: n: ^7 b' C3 w5 l) |i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed
, B" N* C0 ~+ D. [2 @  ^& o5 o( q
  O6 a# b1 h" Pwith the charm,
! B( C8 B3 u5 _with the simles.
I fell in love with you
* c' n! U# N( s; f; r5 P" x( lIn the first sign.
As spotting sky at a summer
" m: t! o6 C9 e7 c; \
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
' h( w2 [* w2 Z; @. uYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.

I am deeply in love
1 Z$ H  l% N1 w, vEverything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
2 t& ~4 K: K+ \4 ]And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
  K9 f" p! y% J2 v$ Y4 `  g, LBut u can copy the way how she ranges the poem
+ k6 {/ p8 |( Y- [  Q

His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
$ g2 H4 n, X- G7 s( [) _! h3 q+ m8 jHis hand would be hers to hold forever
% b  B1 a4 j- n1 }! ?% r  qHis forever is simply as her smile
+ M% X; ^2 _* v7 T1 VHe said she was what was missing
6 a5 s& j% E0 W# B3 SShe said instantly she knew
! b5 L$ o5 H4 ?% x6 o# n! G2 t( k* OShe was a question to be answered
And his answer is
I do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas

& {# U7 S6 H0 R7 t- s4 B$ IBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

1 b1 B1 L9 y; fIt's amazing how I felt
when I was with you
My heart beat so fast
; G) F2 d$ g7 v% z( Z& aI looked at you and thought
$ ]# X, D$ I# E6 yHoly Jesus, you were so cute
# L( A9 q8 e+ Q. X% G
" U- F3 s- A1 E$ o" ~4 iYou left me without a word
6 j0 V5 _' G) G% e: LI have nothing except my emptiness
My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
4 E: _) N3 V3 W5 @+ n' ^You are the right one I wait
* Y! {. a4 q6 Z: ]  p2 DIn the depth of my soul
$ P, X+ B0 h8 I1 a  cI will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
' Q% ~, a; t% r$ ~+ V阿,我爱你
/ B, W# s$ E! c; k3 j* H  h你让我心跳好快
. x3 e: [  y+ w& G9 ~6 V" _你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
  Q3 n( k4 z* Q) t; }
/ a* f) j* e/ }( y/ ]如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
! e( r3 j) G; R2 k$ W阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
4 J+ K1 W  H2 S0 x) e+ _XXXXX
( @' t9 W9 C, L4 `- H5 g+ B: L不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

' v' q* h: H" Z" B靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。