我今天刚写的英文诗, 高手给提提意见

我在故我思

Falling in love

I fell in love with you
) ~* ?3 W$ w% ]0 @, yAt the first week we met

8 w/ v" n! m% u* c; j0 }: lYou have charm, you have looks
with full of pimples in face
/ b# }! X: _* ^5 cAs spotting sky at a summer night
) U0 d0 f$ i4 M; ?7 T1 z$ M9 }They are shining stars
  c& l( h. ]; I! D; ^4 p
Your lip is so big
And that’s good for a kiss
. _. N2 F, Y" q. b% M- @+ J* GYour body is chubby
# g8 }% P& v, Q1 Y6 B9 o$ KAnd that is good for sex

I was deeply in love
Everything from you is positive
* `0 o3 R! q& X" q, g* Z$ r. nYou blame me everything and everyday
And I think all girls sound like
6 P6 B; I' y) x& m- s
- b) f9 H4 V/ j6 l6 EYou could not stand my eating
Saying no good for making funny sound
I think you are perfectly right
Eating with sound is a pig

I fell in love with you
Become a fool to think
/ E4 F5 W/ y2 K/ ]/ kAll trouble things you did
And that is the price for love
' O$ `' x1 z& s' m
you are deeply in love
& k# l3 ?9 i8 V3 L4 ?Everything from me is negative
"My man should be like this,
and I am helping you to improve'

% i# @% G* {  S! S! mYou are loving me
or that one in your mind?
My mind is like a mud
/ j7 b: x1 F6 T$ h0 p5 c; ]5 \can be shaped whatever you want
6 h+ W) T, \2 @, t) [
unfortunalety not my heart
1 x! O- h: W. }+ E- D7 nIt is slashed by you
and I am seriously hurt

I will never love another
If my heart can be fixed

冰山上的来客

my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

米兔丫

这个，能不能叫情人眼里出西施，连小痘痘都升级作STAR了＝。＝

犀牛图拉

我在故我思

原帖由 冰山上的来客 于 2008-12-21 19:53 发表
my english is so poor, can't understand your meaning.

% |! A% E, S! N5 z: y- x
0 G3 h% O# C# h7 a5 C1 X) A咱可是请高手指点, 你都不明白, 我看就算了吧

肆贰叁

配上卡萨布兰卡的旋律就可以唱了，呵呵

我在故我思

楼上, 卡萨布兰卡的歌好听吗?

raymont

强！强！强！SEX!SEX!SEX!
不过像我这种对中文诗都没有什么研究的人，对贵作就更不敢胡言乱语啦！顶一下。

therainbow

sweeite,
i am sorry to say that ur poem sucks.
And this is something I change. Whatever left r too sucky to be changed

with the charm,
with the simles.
I fell in love with you
In the first sign.
$ S/ i0 v; K9 ~% h& CAs spotting sky at a summer
* r2 [% v, p& y8 v
Your lip is so soft
there is not honey can sweeter than ur kiss
$ s0 Q  s& v; i8 g% d: eYour body is so sexy
And I cannt image the moment I  touch u.
$ _5 j. c+ x/ C' L% H
* j& |/ q' |. C, u, T2 ~I am deeply in love
) T5 }0 Z9 h4 \Everything from you is so charming
although You r so picky for me
And I take them as ur buttefly feelings.

therainbow

THis is the poem in SNTC S2 and it is not a good one 2.
But u can copy the way how she ranges the poem

. M3 R) a/ Q0 D+ ^+ e- E. e! L
His hello is the end of her endings
Her laugh is their first step down  the aisle
) [+ }! |. a2 ]8 ~: E: HHis hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever is simply as her smile
, ?. k1 X5 C6 B- w- Y. T3 AHe said she was what was missing
; N, y- N% A. A& `0 d0 v" |; R0 o7 w7 sShe said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer is
. F3 v% a2 U$ `1 S: A! G2 MI do

我在故我思

Rain bow, you are so right. You improved it , and now it is much better. Seems you also like poems. that is good and wish to keep in touch with each other. Merry Xmas
  S) z) L* B3 B
3 Y, U6 ^# A- h2 k: M7 k3 {# bBelow is my new one, any comment?

我在故我思

It’s amazing how I felt

It's amazing how I felt
' \% s  O; `! Z& o, N8 jwhen I was with you
# N0 k, g1 ?$ A2 ^$ E+ v& C+ zMy heart beat so fast
' h! a- r6 ~* S( s8 W" o1 e' rI looked at you and thought
Holy Jesus, you were so cute
7 D" l7 Y& F1 Z8 {
9 U& z5 B4 F. _1 ?: WYou left me without a word
9 ]- _/ Q1 Y, T1 B& S9 fI have nothing except my emptiness
# i8 C4 \$ v) x8 ], }My mood is like a cloud
How could it be dispersed?

Feelings bite my heart
. I( B: k! E0 x+ S2 ~/ xYou are the right one I wait
In the depth of my soul
I will love you till I'm dead

therainbow

闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
; r$ B3 g" L  M+ x0 ^1 c" Y你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
/ N& w, D7 @3 v2 W* y5 ^阿,我爱你
% x1 e  b  o1 ?你让我心跳好快
+ n! T. o+ h% a7 I你让我脸发热
; o. q7 l, G, f7 M- d( N& g; P我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
不知道你能不能受得了这样的中文呢?
4 x9 f- L, j; z4 Z6 v- R
4 |3 C; u% x+ K如果你写得如此白话文的话,不如向你喜欢的女子写封LOVE LETTER
: @0 r) h; s2 y1 [4 R% J! I7 o5 t至于,你最缺乏的意境,强烈要求你参考我给你贴的诗歌, 看看别人怎么用最白话的文字,写出有绘画美,建筑美和音乐美的东西

蓝言雪

楼主的湿，绝对要赞一个，那叫做雷死人不要钱！强就一个字！！！！

我在故我思

原帖由 therainbow 于 2008-12-24 15:24 发表
闻一多怎么说来着,诗歌有音乐美,建筑美,绘画美
8 ~' ~7 S4 G4 T你的就是白花文,而且很多英文的用法根本不地道
就和用中文写一次
阿,我爱你
你让我心跳好快
你让我脸发热
我爱上你的大嘴唇
XXXXX
: |. a7 K3 y& c/ N不知道你能不能受得了这样的 ...

6 ^. N7 @4 I: x
靠, 你要是不爱女人的厚嘴唇和性感的身体的话, 难道你会爱女人的脚趾头和胳胳窝不成?

therainbow

恩,我无语了

ram

这也叫诗,勇气大大的.

费莫

Match the following Song! Casablanca.
* J9 {. f, d" g" \! U, D

爱中成长

竟陵残雪

码字能连句，转行也成诗。。。