Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

9 U4 b3 ]; {3 B  |: y9 d' m0 W2 E/ P" W" v) HThe following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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, b8 }: A0 T# W# F& z7 g4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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5 i- D: S! V4 g  c- W0 r6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

/ ?/ C0 Y$ F+ R3 A4 o7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

& U7 a9 |* ^& k  r9 @10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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+ c- q. P) c2 n/ m+ W11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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3 E& _% b9 }9 }& \12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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; V% y6 p3 E( H; l14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

) I; [/ `6 F. b1 e7 V15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.