Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:
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# `, ]) K+ E9 A# x2 }$ e1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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  M+ l/ k5 m  G5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

8 X7 c+ g" q) ^5 p7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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" t0 G" U$ a( y  A' F' g3 l2 |10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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4 w) h8 c( Y( M0 R: \12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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# _. I3 `* J9 ?* E15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.