Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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+ t2 g" y& O1 M7 F2 E' J" G7 S2 S" N3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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) C  k' Y& L0 ~. V1 O0 S% ?4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

! K9 e" k& |. z5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

2 j6 d* R+ C; \: J/ L2 A% j& o8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

1 X& i$ r/ v* }4 p! |3 o8 j2 |9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
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11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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  n; g( @1 P1 u- Y15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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$ P4 j+ X! K$ O  S5 G+ q& f16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.