Modern Definitions

l8eac

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
$ s! @% r% A5 _  T
1 x! f( X1 T" z0 |7 d0 {( X4 V. `The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
" @6 z# ~1 g( I% R* k. [3 D
1 J+ O( g+ I3 r- }2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
; s2 N" n& S- ?5 J
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
/ m1 b1 r0 D3 y' \
. |; k7 E! V5 Q. Y3 _. I: ^9 y4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
' @4 v" D0 |% g) _7 p- _
$ f* \3 h+ N; i* G$ M; d, @+ D5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
" ]4 [% q/ K: `/ k
; G  K: L+ ?/ @  i6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
  K8 m' m  O& `6 T+ i% g$ ^
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
( _" r; [7 q# k- J: b% J
0 O$ e2 |3 T6 ^- \) I. T( F+ O8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

4 @1 X% H3 k0 |5 H9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
8 U- c$ A* i8 i
( j# ]/ e" `/ _. }$ `; _10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

- {" m; P+ b% c" ?  U6 ], ^11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

9 K& x  Q$ H4 \' t2 O) D* t12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

/ N5 q7 O" l! p$ ?, L13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

( r6 k, `" z; r8 m& J# N8 X; `, X14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

2 @2 i9 O, D2 C6 m( R# a' q8 f% g16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.