Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

& I: a5 }. S' e$ h. M  a" {3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

3 {$ G2 B9 n. C6 I6 l4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

/ q9 u: t+ Y3 L! W2 [/ D" {5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
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5 I6 r% A* P+ r7 M  }/ V% H4 U6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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3 X6 M+ _+ O1 x0 ^# z! e# x( c) N4 g8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
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% j/ L* u0 B1 ?/ N10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

5 u" K( S. S6 {6 b# L12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

6 @; T; K4 @: c. s4 b16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.