Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

7 B, r2 N+ d9 n! `: n. f. U1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .
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) n2 J2 V5 I" M. S4 Z& b3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

1 }1 U7 Q$ v+ j6 Q: b! H6 \4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

# p. E5 V) V/ C' Y6 k7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
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: k& c* @/ X' y2 W8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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: U: d" r. J6 j+ ?" L9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

  r6 I: U: b$ L+ N$ M$ z4 i/ P# E10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
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! a4 M. d- @) S! ?14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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7 c$ n9 Z/ X; |* g* U16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.