Modern Definitions

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The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.
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The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
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) m. L& P* U$ C+ @% P/ u) G4 M2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

" C1 k; O# U2 B' p3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
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5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
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3 I1 O: Q2 I8 c  _' r% M/ f7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

1 j' C/ ~7 y# q0 _8 K) H" ^' j$ a8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
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) t' e, B4 E' z; N# A9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
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! Q9 h" `7 j3 h12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
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13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
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/ B  Z+ j* c4 i  v15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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16. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.